making friends as an adult

The importance of common ground and small talk.

[@pastorbryson]

My wife has been telling me for a long time that I need to make more friends but I've always resisted it because I didn't think I needed friends. I've realized recently, though, that I'm actually kind of lonely. She has a really big and close-knit friend group and I actually find myself being a little bit jealous of that at times. What I thought, for a long time, was me not wanting friends was actually me making up excuses because I forgot how to make friends. It's funny, because I watch my son (he's 5 years old) make friends and I think "wow, I wish it was that easy for me." When I really consider it, though, I'm not even willing to go up to someone and start a conversation. It's not really that it's easier for him, he just doesn't have enough experience to be afraid of rejection. Anyway, all that was just to say that I really appreciate the video!

[@sarahshay4801]

As an introvert this definitely freaks me out BUT I appreciate the new light you shed and I plan to work on this! Thanks for the video. Found you on tik tok!

[@liukdraws]

I had 2 close friends since I was 10 ( now I am 33 years old grown man ) 2 years ago during the pandemic we had a lot to unpack and I fell in depression and isolated a lot. They could not bear this new version of me and decided to part ways with me. One with a message saying that the friendship was not meaningful anymore and the other just vanished into thin air. I did not have the mental capacity to chase or explain whilst I was fighting my own battles and I just wanted people to call me and tell: “I’m coming I want to see you and spend some time with you, don’t want to talk? Fine.” Things are definitely better now for me but it torn me apart to see 2 pieces of my heart go away like nothing after so Many things we experience together. I’ve respected their choices and moved on with my life but since then I’m kinda pushing back new friendships and even if I want to try now I struggle a lot.

[@User-nj4hr]

My therapist told me to watch this video. Appreciate you.

[@laurab9867]

I never stop learning about relationships. I'm an extrovert, a senior citizen, lived a lot, don't have a problem starting a conversation with anyone but... I noticed that along the way I lost my patience to have small talks with people. Sometimes, I talk too much or the topic is too intense and it just doesn't work. Now I know why. Your fresh perspective taught me a lesson. It's good to hear the advice of people young and old (which also keeps me young, I think :o), and that's how I got here. Thank YOU.

[@lauraanthony773]

True! As a reserved introvert, I’ve learned how to improve at small talk by marrying a salesman 😂 Small talk is a learnable skill, and well worth the effort. If you struggle with small talk, learn by observing people who are “good” at it, and then develop your own strategy. We can guide a conversation. If discussing the weather is distressing, *you* be the one to guide the conversation in a different direction. You can chit chat with the best of them, which may lead to a new friendship…

[@lyndamaloney4947]

That was very helpful thanks. Would love one on social anxiety as well...

[@imbewitchingyou]

Ugh... I struggle with small talk and I can see some things in this video as to what I've been doing wrong. Note to self... joking about hot flashes when I introduce myself I guess is frowned upon, lol 😂

[@BliffleSplick]

You'll have better luck finding friendship with the geeks / nerds / neurospicy / whatever because the social status check of small talk is boring, but what you're interested in? That, that is interesting.

[@Nieenaah]

I STRUGGLE with finding meaningful friendships and always seem to have those intense friendships as you mentioned. And I am horrible at small talk, this really opens up more opportunities to practice small talk and focus on not trying to be vulnerable right off the bat. Super informative, thank you so much!

[@morristaylor6310]

Could you do a video on dealing with grief ? Love you keep up the good work, keep fighting the good fight

[@PantherMarcher4Life]

This is one of the most helpful videos to me. We moved last year because of the military and I’ve really struggled to make meaningful friendships. I recently started joining Facebook group with other military spouses, trying to find common interests. I never really thought about small talk but you made some really good points. Thank you so much!

[@elizabethjoiner]

Yeah, friendships are hard. They used to be easy but it's not like that anymore. I do have friends. They are probably more important to me then they would have been in the past. I appreciate them. For some reason, I'm mostly friends with men. Not sure why. 😕

[@kristinmyoung]

This. Is. Everything. Thank you so much for your insight!!

[@tonyburton419]

A sense of mattering to at least some others, where mutual interest in what is in each others minds, & a sense of concern can be said vital for meaning, connection etc. Thriving rather than mere living. Agree with much of your comments & observations.

[@gauripandya9795]

Thank You soooo much Matthais. I like your name.😊

[@highjackedbike]

Great information…. Will try more small talk.

[@ashleyanderson3371]

Oooo good topic. Please talk about motivating kids to do school at home during covid. I’ve never seen my 6.5 yo more anxious. Thank you for your stuff I really enjoy listening.

[@yvonnebaxter2050]

I haven't had a friend in many years. I choose not to have friends 15 years ago. I lost my trust in people when i was held against my will by a friend.

[@AttackoftheHam]

I’m kinda at the same place in my life but I wanna hope not everyone is just like my old terrible best friend.

[@yvonnebaxter2050]

@@AttackoftheHam i'm very sorry you have been hurt. I'l be your friend. If you need to talk you can pm me.

[@Hemlocker]

I don't mind small talk at all, but I find myself constantly forgetting things that people have told me. Someone could tell me something about what they've been doing at their job recently, and then I see them a week later and I've totally forgotten. I want to be able to bring things up that people said to me before ("how is that work project going?"), but my brain seems to just not hold information about other people's lives. It extends to all kinds of aspects of people's lives that they tell me about, including things that are much more important to them. The fact that I forget so many things, and such important things, makes me feel guilty.

[@davidcooper7811]

I'm lousy at keeping/making friends. Autism gets in the way. I seem to prefer to bury myself in work that matters. It's a hollow replacement tho

[@AllThingsTashy]

Oh nooooo, not small talk 😩 lol thank you for your wisdom

[@ahmedeltaib6559]

What if no one chooses to spend their time with me?

[@SlackerCast]

Love the content, keep it up!!

[@blindguymcsqzy]

I am literally watching The Office while watching this video 😂. My 22nd run through the show

[@rhondamadore2500]

Thank you 🙏🥰💯💥👏

[@perrycunningham6625]

Lost 99% of my friends in 2016 when I left the church.

[@jasonbrown5736]

Do you practice EMDR? Your voice would be good for the meditation part. I'm looking to start EMDR therapy again

[@kns6958]

Me, who has no friends: So no one really wants to be around me. 😢

[@travisferguson6536]

How do I become a physiotherapist I wanna help people like you do I feel like it's a calling because idk what to do

[@brandongreen3077]

Well with my trauma, And you're help she might come back but I need to work on self love. I need your help. I need your attention and I need your help desperately. You're the only one that can help me. I will come to you if need be. I live in vancouver washington... And i've been message you nearly every day.. I need your help.. Helping matthias please