r/Relationships - My Fiance Hid His Dark Side From Me...

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[@lizslocum2600]

Pretending to be open-minded around someone you’re physically attracted to but don’t respect is one of the worst kinds of deceit to start a relationship with.

[@Me-wk3ix]

So glad that first OP isn't getting married to that guy. He is the type that will turn violent after they do.

[@maheenahmed6653]

Imagine how he would treat their kids. He sounds like he’s the kind of man to date op because he views her as an exotic plaything.

[@melodyharpole8272]

And if her kids ended up turning out like she would treat them like trash. Because she's made it clear that she hates white people.

[@froggy20362]

@@melodyharpole8272 What the hell are you talking about??

[@jordyn.24]

@@melodyharpole8272 pretty sure the only “white people” she has problem with are the ones who act like this.

[@l.michelle3497]

I've seen this happen...some of his talk, exactly what one of my ex's . This 'man" is a very unsafe person to be around .

[@jalexoneschanel1356]

The redditors were being way too hard on the sugar baby OP. I really think they all have a lot of resentment towards her past in sex work even though they aren’t in that relationship. I really think that friend of his convinced him to act on his jealousy. I’m really disgusted with how people in the comments of that post treated her. She’s not less of a person because of a job or relationship agreement she had in the past.

[@damien678]

yeah fr, they were mad disrespectful to her and im really mad because a lot of responses are normally pretty protective of women 🙃 sex workers deserve better

[@troubleinthevalley5884]

I thought they were really hard on her too. She was open and honest with a grown man who made his own decision to stay with her having all the information and then just sat silent about it stewing for 3 years? But everyone's cool with that? This world is so backwards anymore.

[@ultimatewolfexists2378]

Sex Work is not inherently bad. But the OP cheated on her boyfriend, and used excuse after excuse to get out of her responsibility. People just are excusing her because she’s not male.

[@troubleinthevalley5884]

@@ultimatewolfexists2378 okay but after 3 dates was it cheating and was he really her boyfriend? She was up front with him and he agreed. To me cheating is going behind somebody's back.

[@nikki5399]

Less of a person? No. Less of a candidate for marriage? Absolutely.

[@lightlouis]

story 1: he unironically said her brother would be treated differently by police because he looked threatening and that (in a joking manner) his genes were superior? I hope sis is okay and is away for this brute of a human

[@Grouchbox]

He means that her brother SHOULD be treated differently. He is a racist who thinks he is better than her; he outright said it with that “better genes” crap. This guy seems to have very few redeeming properties save his athleticism tbh. She loves him, but she can’t fix him. The only person any of us can fix is self.

[@nyteshayde1197]

Wait, he's human?

[@NationandState]

She gets what she deserves. She's the one that chose him. Play stupid games: win stupid prizes.

[@NationandState]

@@Grouchbox AND OP chose him and is still with him while posting on Reddit instead of being intelligent enough to figure it out on her own.

[@Lady.B0420]

Do you think this woman finally figured it out? I don't, I am sure she is doing just as bad today as she was back then. She was dating a racist willingly. She has no common sense. The signs were there.

[@pegacis]

I felt like I was taking crazy pills for the sugar baby story, the OP literally didn’t do anything wrong. She was upfront with it from the start??

[@GreenKnight1982]

Not everybody wants to date a former prostitute

[@pinkflower5428]

⁠@@GreenKnight1982that’s the comments point. He knew she was a former prostitute

[@stephjovi]

​@@GreenKnight1982 than he should've never started dating her. As a reminder she told him on the first date that she is a sugar baby. So he knew and years after it ended he started complaining

[@mimilapin]

​@@GreenKnight1982 I stg men are as dumb as rocks. He knew before he started dating her.

[@KCohere33]

Why is the OP spending two seconds with this man? She has a long list of reasons why she shouldn’t have anything to do with him and still asking what she should do? I don’t know why she is making excuses for this guy. How many red flags do you need?

[@aliquot8404]

At least 39, apparently: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 abusive -- arrogant -- belittling -- *controlling* -- derisive -- devious* -- egotistical -- entitled -- fat hating (people) -- gas-lighting -- health menacing -- immature -- imperialistic -- intolerant -- judgemental -- law breaking -- *manipulative* -- *narcissistic* -- obdurate -- obnoxious -- obtuse -- physique obsessive (male) -- *racist* -- *sexist* -- *un-empathetic* -- vindictive -- (* brought in *his* friend (and wife) to provide "couple's counseling") •-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-• After update (8:30) add: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 accusatory -- gaslighting × 3 -- jealous -- lying -- manipulative × 5 -- martyred, self-pitying

[@atinyevil1383]

Sometimes, people want to believe that the person that they’re in a relationship with will do better. Logically, you should want to drop someone like that. But when you’ve put so much time and effort into a relationship, you don’t want to just quit. I know I went through that with my last ex. When you look back, you know the whole thing was ridiculous and you should have dropped that baggage sooner, but at the time, it doesn’t feel like that.

[@RhondaB4thesong]

@@atinyevil1383 But why did it take me 30 years to become an ex? SMDH

[@wplains]

Just shows how intelligent she is.

[@BumblebeeQueene64]

She could make a whole blanket by now from all the flags he's raised

[@vannajade1216]

Sugar baby girl didn’t do anything wrong tho? She told him and since they were still in the early stages of figuring out if it could develop into a serious relationship, she continued seeing her SD. That was Toms chance to walk away cleanly, staying around meant he was acknowledging and accepting her work. There’s literally nothing wrong w what she was doing, when things got serious she ended the SD/SB relationship. Toms insecurity doesn’t make her the a-hole. She did her job by telling him early. If you don’t want to date a SWer, don’t date a SWer. It doesn’t have to be your cup of tea, but Toms wrong for leading her to think he was okay with her past work when he clearly wasn’t.

[@pollypockets508]

I'm a woman and I'm dating someone on the spectrum. He doesn't like being touched in certain places on his body. I simply respect that and don't touch him where he doesn't want to be touched. It's not that difficult.

[@sylh9410]

I am not even finished listening to post one, and I am already screaming, “Abort! Abort!” I was in her position, and I married the man. I am transgender, and most of our relationship was long distance. He knew my gender identity, and he kept his prejudices mostly concealed until we were married. He then proceeded to become very controlling/abusive and to try to change me. Before I married him, I overlooked a lot of red flags. I am divorced and safe now. I hope that OP is ok.

[@stampandscrap7494]

9

[@barfrodgers1202]

I'm sure he was a bad man and you're totally not a mentally deranged wierdo.

[@bearb.7406]

Wait a minute... He is essentially studying to pick up MULTIPLE women. And you guys look down on OP? She had ONE SINGLE LOVER over months or years and many of you shame OP. I call BS....

[@MOlsen-sg3yi]

He just wanted to swing his willy around to multiple girls. Her post found the wrong side of reddit Aka the "I'm going to just bully you and not use logic" side.

[@mmason9836]

Yeah and call her the sex worker.

[@emilybarclay8831]

She was with two men when she was ‘seriously’ dating her bf. She won’t accept no for an answer when he wants to move on, and only seemed to care about how she felt guilty and not how she made her bf feel. I don’t think she’s a bad person but she’s clearly not ready for a monogamy when she’s this self centred and unable to acknowledge her partner’s feelings. The OP’s ex is going down a dangerous rabbit hole, but having a partner that’s stringing you along while getting paid to fuck some old dude will do that to an insecure person

[@jam2727]

@@emilybarclay8831 he agreed to the terms since the first date, OP was honest to him as soon as things got serious

[@emilybarclay8831]

@@jam2727 now she refuses to take a no since he’s now confident enough to admit he was never comfortable with the relationship. Once OP realised her validation ATM had moved on suddenly he’s the only one for her

[@carolsimpson4422]

Ops bf is just throwing her past in her face so he can blame the breakup on her instead of just admitting he wants to go be a pickup artist. My theory: he actually pursued her long term BECAUSE of the sugar daddy. It was a contest, and he won. He rested on those laurels awhile, but now he's ready for a new challenge.

[@drkatbun8566]

I feel so disgusting about how people are talking about the sugar baby OP, so she's somehow disgusting and did this heinous thing for being in a sugaring relationship before her boyfriend and once her and Tom got serious, she broke it off (I personally would never see two people at once but so many people do it), and somehow people are praising tom for becoming a "pick up artist", which is lying and manipulating people into sleeping with you, what in the actual fuck

[@rannvamacdonaldarnskov4794]

From my interpretation of american dating culture, saying you're dating is non-exclusive so her not breaking off the sugar deal by the third date was... really not a big deal in my ears. Pickup Artists are scum though, they prey on insecurity and making their targets seek validation. The things they get taught to do are straight up gaslighting techniques and emotional abuse to break someone down and control them. If they did those things just because they'd enjoy causing pain and didn't get any sexual stimulation for it, we would call them sadistic psychopaths.

[@rannvamacdonaldarnskov4794]

Ew just got to that guy who was like "I did some PUA myself years ago" and he straight up starts negging OP in his comments! "Your power dynamic changed, he outranked you when he became confident, and you will always be tainted from being a sex worker, it gives you an automatic -1 on your overall score..." I hope he someday realises what a vile, cruel and disgusting person he's been

[@drkatbun8566]

@@rannvamacdonaldarnskov4794 tbh I only became aware of the seeing other people before dating ("we are only seeing each other, we are not serious") from American culture, I think it's just mostly a preference and between who ever your seeing. tom was bother by it, he should have said something

[@natsolomon7849]

Rannva Macdonald Arnskov ty that made me so uncomfortable I was literally searching through the comments waiting for someone to say it

[@kiralonely1307]

Ty ty ty I feel like I'm searching through the comments and even in this KZbin comment section there are people dogging on her for no reason, jesus.

[@Doublemonk0506]

What I found rich about Dave in story one was that he claimed to have superior genes, yet he said he was destroyed by OP saying no. Guess those genes really aren't superior 😏😏

[@elisejackson2854]

The fact that she stayed with him throughout this is really odd.

[@tracybarber-kier1669]

She was a loving and trusting person who was manipulated by a gaslighting ahole

[@wplains]

@@tracybarber-kier1669 Oh of course, she has no blame in all of this. Reddit’s bias is so blatant! 🙄

[@polly_nah]

@@wplains I think it's about learning the lesson. If you've spent your life with genuinely kind and honest people (jealous) you might not notice the obvious red flags because you assume everyone means well. Or just the opposite - if you grew up in an abusive house or been bullied you might think this kind of behaviour is normal. Anyway, hope she moves on to better things now and girls (and all genders, really) can learn from her story too 💕

[@wplains]

@@polly_nah i think she’s just clueless. Or desperate to have a boyfriend.

[@polly_nah]

@@wplains true, but hopefully doesn't waste her time on another 💩 head again

[@puli_dreadhead]

Leave Dave. He’s not going to change if he says he’s hiding his true self. He’s not going through active change if he’s relapsing and sees nothing wrong with views before you confronted him.

[@SnowyWolborg]

Right? The fact that this dude had to hide these opinions for years just shows he was not trying to change, he was just faking to secure a woman. Anyone who wants to unlearn negative behavior cannot argue and get defensive when confronted with why that behavior is wrong. Better off finding an actual nice person, rather than someone pretending to be nice.

[@michaelmorris8302]

Bs story why would a black woman put up with a racist white guy they barely put up with black men and our issues

[@browhattheactualfu-2659]

@@michaelmorris8302 You underestimate how desperate some people are to keep a relationship despite clear red flags. Did you hear how manipulative Dave sounded? 99% sure he kept OP wrapped around his finger

[@michaelmorris8302]

@Dusk I don't know a black woman who will put up with that never even heard of it bs story

[@michaelmorris8302]

@@browhattheactualfu-2659 unless he has real money I don't see anyone putting up with a racist person unless she's explaining things wrong

[@Me-wk3ix]

I hope that the woman with the boyfriend who refuses to accept no takes the reddit advice and leaves him. If he really did get where he went wrong and truly felt it, he wouldn't be making "jokes" about taking advantage of her.

[@addicted2mako]

Seriously, that’s really messed up that he’s trying to pass those off as jokes.

[@squirrel670]

She left him

[@brittnyraup905]

@@squirrel670 thank you! Was hoping she did

[@lynnw7155]

He's definitely not getting the message. But OP is also sending mixed signals. She says no, but then goes back to kissing him? Once you decide it's "no", it's time to back away from intimacy that could lead to sex, especially to reinforce boundaries with someone like him.

[@jakeand9020]

OP says "no, stop," etc jokingly on a regular basis and expects him NOT to take it seriously. He's supposed to be a mind reader and know when it's said seriously and when it's joking/teasing. Either "no means no" or it doesn't, you can't have it both ways, then blame the other person when they misread it. I've had the opposite problem more than once, girl says no, I stop, always, no matter the context. They get pissed at me for it. Seriously, make up your damn mind.

[@franl155]

There's nothing like a man constantly whining and harassing for sex to make a woman think: "Actually, a nagging whiny brat who tramples all over my clearly-stated boundaries is exactly what I've been looking for all my life". [sarcasm, if it wasn't immediately obvious]

[@squirrel670]

They seriously get mad and don't understand why the women don't want them

[@missfoxglove8989]

Unfortunately, military men like him are prevalent in the service and also with veterans. He will gain weight when he gets out of the service, especially if he's wounded. Sounds more like he's projecting his insecurities onto overweight people because either he was fat at one point and got a big head after he lost the weight or it's his fear of turning into one.

[@WobblesandBean]

THANK YOU, I'm not the only one who noticed that! What is it with military men and being bigoted conkwockets?!

[@WobblesandBean]

@Jim Bob Jim, don't even start with the sarcasm and snark. You're just proving our point.

[@kirstenornelas881]

@@WobblesandBean soo pointing out that this too is a stereotype and not actually the rule for those who served is sarcasm? That's pretty hypocritical don't you think?

[@missfoxglove8989]

@Jim BobFunny, did I say ALL wounded vets who are also PT jocks gain weight? Or did I some how specifically, and preemptively singled *YOU* out to be an example of this type of guy? Are you also similar to this guy, beyond being a wounded vet, who projects his BS onto others? I'm just curious. 🤔

[@missfoxglove8989]

@@kirstenornelas881 If it's a stereotype, then you should check out my hubby's Infantry unit to see them fulfill it to a T. 🤭👍

[@kayleaross3641]

Op's safe word should be mushu because if it's used and he doesn't listen.... then dishonor on him, his family, his cow... xD

[@eponymoususer8923]

OP 1: the dude has an obsession with physicality, feels entitled to endanger other people’s health, and has a sense of superiority over other people. That guy has characteristics that are HUGE predictors of abuse. I’m glad that OP is going to be free to heal up and pursue more promising people to partner with.

[@WobblesandBean]

OP3: "My boyfriend s..ually assaults me on a regular basis, but he's such a great guy, I swear!"

[@sacilexi231]

Yes, but if all your relationships have been toxic, your parents have toxic relationships it can be very hard to actually see it from the inside. Throw in sexual abuse and that's multiplied by 100.

[@esthercox9631]

Great guys don't assault anyone especially someone they care about

[@Kelseyzj]

@@adambartlett114 I think you’re replying to the wrong person? She was replying to OPs comment?

[@pollypockets508]

I don't think Tom wants to get into another relationship. I think he wants to play the field and use his pick up artist skills. I'm confused as to why that one responder thought he wanted another relationship.

[@squirrel670]

Yeah pick up artists aren't really about relationships, especially the sexist type

[@pollypockets508]

@@squirrel670 Exactly

[@rozethefox8755]

Also why is everyone saying that she is a sex worker? A lot of sugar baby relationships are platonic. I been a sugar baby before and I have never had sex with anyone in my work. I really feel like OP was bullied into calling herself a sex worker and even if she did have sex, her boyfriend was with her for two years and okay with her past but when he suddenly gets more confident and think he can score better. Op mentioned he was beginning to express sexist opinion of women who had casual sex? He is in for a rude awakening if he continue down that road of opinions.

[@squirrel670]

@@rozethefox8755 remember friends with benefits is only okay if they only benefit you with sex and not money or gifts. He has become trash and she is better of without him He has an ego now because a pretty girl loves him. Now he can go around and be a whole for free (not sex work so it's okay of course). They aren't compatible and he was trash for wasting her time. People are acting like it's her fault for being pretty so he HAD to lead her on because she was the best he could get. Pretty sick. She went on 3 dates and was honest when she thought it would be more serious and he goes around for 3 years. They explained it to her like a science of how partners will be snakes in the grass and seize any opportunity to leave you. Whatever it is the relationship is best over and should have been over a long time ago.

[@nixxyhasthoughts]

The comments were just shaming. She was upfront with Tom. If Tom as a grown ass adult he was responsible for saying if he was happy with the relationship as it was. Blaming her when he accepted it and shaming her was just shitty behaviour. Claiming it hurt him for her to have that relationship is terrible. The “work on himself” is code for sleeping around and it’s ok because he’s male.

[@agingophelia9812]

When someone says "you're cute when you're mad" it means they don't respect your feelings, don't take your feelings seriously, and don't care how you feel.

[@Nooom91]

This is the most infuriating thing. I would dump anyone who says that to me under any circumstance. Because they can’t argue they though you were play fighting. They know you’re mad, and not playing. They say it themselves. But they simply decided they don’t care

[@katphish30]

Absolutely. That is a deal breaker phrase right up front.

[@mysticsaru8577]

No, it may just mean, ya know… that they actually look cute when they get mad

[@agingophelia9812]

@@mysticsaru8577 No. Actually thinking someone is cute when they're mad doesn't mean you have to say it. Feeling it is one thing. Saying it is disrespectful to the max. Though I would argue that if your partner is hopping mad and telling you why, being busy checking them out instead of listening to them is a jerk move.

[@mysticsaru8577]

@@agingophelia9812 you can do both, and still understand them. Doesn’t mean you have to be a dick and not listen to them. You may just have an insecurity about it

[@LamisonJamison]

So he went into the relationship knowing she had a sugar daddy? If there's an arrangement you're uncomfortable with before you even start dating that needs to be addressed before you start dating. He knew she'd been with a sugar daddy for a while already but still went on to be pissy about it?

[@squirrel670]

People are acting like she's in the wrong as if he was right for leading her on the entire relationship when she told him 3rd date. Like he had a right for just waiting for a chance to leave her because he wanted to stay because she was pretty?

[@cowbot1489]

@@squirrel670 dude he was insecure and if the op actually cared about him then she would have stopped and known that having a fucking sugar daddy while in a relationship is not a good idea.

[@LamisonJamison]

@@cowbot1489 you're acting like this is a universal belief when its not. I wouldn't break up with someone cause they had a sugar daddy/mommy because they had that arrangement beforehand and I went into the relationship knowing that. He went in knowing she had this job and only got pissy after he was associated with the toxic community of pickup artistry. Sex work isn't everyone's favorite career for their partner to have but you cannot act like he was blindsighted by her having a sugar daddy when he KNEW. Sex work is not something to be ashamed of as long as its consensual.

[@damien678]

@@cowbot1489 she did stop sugaring though. when she felt like the relationship was serious. that's reasonable, ESPECIALLY since he didn't tell her to stop before 🙃

[@cowbot1489]

@@damien678 lol I forgor this existed

[@MOlsen-sg3yi]

Contrary to popular belief a sugar baby is NOT a sex worker. A majority of sugar baby and sugar daddy/mama relationships are actually just platonic and just people looking for companionship.

[@kiralonely1307]

ty ty ty, just passing through and glad to see someone other than me having to reply to comments here about misconceptions on it, so like, ty for being another person who knows this, oof, I feel a little less crazy

[@ultimatewolfexists2378]

That’s partially incorrect, while your general point is true, the situation OP was in WAS in fact Sex Work.

[@jakeand9020]

Sex for money/"gifts" IS a sex worker. Sure, a platonic sugar daddy/baby relationship is not technically sex work, that doesn't apply here.

[@liquerinfrnt]

That has to be a meme post. Dude is literally a neonazi and OP is like, "idk, maybe he's actually just fine"

[@TheDarwinProject1]

BF not understanding "NO": Autistic woman, late diagnosed, here, I'm sorry to say, dissociation isn't technically a symptom of autism, but rather c(PTSD). Parents & educators (ABA) who do not know how or are not willing to adapt their interactions & methods to work with autistic brains can get very frustrated & that can lead to maltreatment. Childhood maltreatment is especially likely if they either don't suspect or deny that child has autism & /or the frequent comorbidities like social anxiety, adhd, & depression that also come with autism + life. It's not often that autistics exit childhood without c(PTSD) & autistic girls are also highly susceptible to sequel assault, eating disorders, & abusive partners starting in middle school, which is also coincidentally when girls start to display symptoms of autism. Boys will show symptoms often as infants & toddlers. Girls also have very different symptoms (as well as some boys & NB/trans) so even though the symptoms begin to show in middle school, unless they fall into the typical stereotype that most boys display (as far as we know currently), autistic women (& some men, NBs, trans) are diagnosed until well into adulthood & many, despite self knowledge & other autisrics' validation, are never able to secure an official diagnosis due to lack of knowledge of what autistics look like beyond the stereotype in the medical/psychology professions. C(PTSD) is also hasn't made it into the DSM, even though it is recognized already by many psychologists & psychiatrists who specialize in trauma & other neurodivergent mental health comorbidities. Most primary care physicians have very little knowledge about mental health issues in general. They will often label female & NB presenting patients with complex health issues beyond their limited know as histrionic, or officially, as having borderline personality disorder. Most late diagnosed autistics had been misdiagnosed with bpd prior to any mental health or neurodivergent assessment, making healthcare much harder to access since bpd has a heavily incapacitating stigma attached to it, which pcps are aware of & still recklessly blacklist their patients with. All of this can cause & increase trauma in autistics. So, back to this story, OP is in an abusive relationship & she's dissociating when he is violating her & her boundaries. She shouldn't be worried about "offending" her bf, who thinks it's "funny" to push her to the point of vulnerability. I hope that she does break up with him & doesn't fall into the trap of "I won't do it again, I promise" again. She really needs to examine her friendships as well and/or how their partners treat them.

[@Orinatl]

Sorry but the sugar baby one? If your upfront with you partner. Which it seems she was it’s there choice how they move forward with the information given. It’s totally on him, and his built up resentment is on him. You do not have to cater to people insecurities. He let the resentment build. And he was the cruel one to lead her on for so long after that happened. This fell apart because of betrayal, plain and simple. And the betrayal was because he lied about his feelings about the situation and stayed when he should have left. 🤷‍♀️ People can't read minds and if your honest with them you assume that another person will make an informed adult decision. Also good, God. So many misogynists in those comments. It honestly made me nauseated to hear them talking about sex workers like there damaged material. As if a woman is a material that can be damaged. They need to rethink their existece and check if the material they’re made of is worthy of being here at all.

[@emm_uhh]

You summed up my thoughts exactly! I know it's reddit but it surprised me the amount of people telling the OP is damaged goods, not worth marrying, and being a sex worker is a negative on the hot scale. 🙄 I think he's in the wrong for leading her on so long if he was having these thoughts and staying silent.

[@Lauria2875]

I wanted to punch the "oh, come on now, you know....." one in the face!

[@karendaniel620]

I was looking to find a comment about the misogyny in those comments and just the lack of respect for sex workers. Icky.

[@Me-wk3ix]

Glad I found this comment, so true. Seems like she can do better, and find someone a bit more progressive and will know her worth.

[@videofan1010]

I agree with you on this. But I really wish this girl would let this man go. He's told her no so she just needs to drop it.

[@kellyb5167]

Sis, superior, breeding, and threatening. All those key buzz words and you were thinking of marriage with this guy. He probably has a tiki torch and khaki color pants in his closet.

[@stevelemur6113]

Tom knew what he was getting into, and now wants to throw that in your face? He is not over it, and he will NEVER be over it, Drop him and find somebody who wants you for who you are NOW. Anyone who regards you as "used goods", and he does, is not worthy of you. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you don't need anyone who tries to deceive you into feeling ashamed. Go out there and find the love of your life! Don't just settle.

[@protojager]

I'm most upset about all the sex work shaming. Whether or not you think a sugar daddy relationship is sex work, sex work is not shameful

[@driversuz44]

Touchy bf: "No" is a perfectly adequate safe word - as long as you say it ONLY when you mean it, not when you're "joking around."

[@owl7072]

Okay but was he _really_ referring to athleticism OP. Was he really.

[@RockinTheBassGuitar]

No means no, stop means stop. Period. I'm married and my husband respects this, there is no excuse for the BF who won't listen.

[@Marco_Onyxheart]

At first I was thinking that maybe he was getting mixed signals, since she also says no while laughing and doesn't mean it in that case. Maybe he's autistic and doesn't know how to deal with those signals. But from the edit, the two signals are very different. And then came the comment that he's not even on the spectrum. He should easily be able to differentiate the two signals then. And things still got worse from there on. She clearly explained her signals and he still got worse.

[@samx36]

That story made my stomach turn and eyes water, I hope she can break up with him and stay safe from him.

[@jimbobjones9330]

I agree with you 999%... the problem is that OP established that "no" doesn't always mean "no" in what they do (with her wrestling comment). I'd say that she either needs to lay down that "no" DOES ALWAYS mean "no" (and stop using it when she doesn't mean it), or set up some sort of "this is a definitive NO" safe-word, if that's what they need to do. (I'm not saying he's right. I'm just saying that OP doesn't help things by mixing signals like this) Edit: Just heard the update part of the post (need to listen to these fully before responding)... he's a shitbag, and she needs to leave him five minutes ago.

[@beckynorthey4876]

@@jimbobjones9330 Still doesn't change that she needs to learn to not muddy the waters with different "no" and "stop" meanings. That way with a clear agreed safeword she can vet others quicker and get a good partner sooner.

[@Lugialuvr]

Oh man the story with the guy not taking no for an answer. I admit the first story I was like 'well maybe she needs to make it a bit more clear?' The people suggesting 'use absolutely no' to make it clear. It was hard to tell for sure from how OP was describing it so I wondered if maybe she was just giving mixed signals. But after she sat him down and told him 'No means no during intercourse stuff' that to me was VERY clear. And once he started ignoring it AFTER that conversation I could feel the dread just coursing through me. I was so hoping we'd see an update that OP revealed she'd gotten out before it could go bad. But man, I hope OP heeds the comments and not her friends in this case. There's no doubt in my mind that he's not listening to her and is instead only being nice to keep her around to get what he wants. Hearing Markee talk about what happened in her story just made me so so sad. That should've been the breaking point. I hated hearing how she 'appreciated' his 'apology' because he should've never crossed that line. There is no doubt in my mind that OP needs to get out.

[@amandab8433]

I'm still wondering why in the world she stuck with "Dave" for so long. After the 1st few instances I would have NOPED out of the relationship so fast. His genes are superior? WTF?! She needs to realize that he isn't going to change, and stop hoping that she can change him. It's not going to happen.

[@Vipre-]

The answer is probably they barely saw each other. Together "three" years, actually in the presence of each other less than one and that number is probably realtime closer to 4-6 months.

[@jazzamethyst8225]

The op who has the boundary issue boyfriend is foolish: my ex started out with pushing boundaries like that which escalated to sexual assault and eventually rape(coerced consent) I was in high school and I ended up pregnant. They act all apologetic because they know if they didn’t you wouldn’t hesitate to leave. My only regret is not breaking up with him at the first sign of boundary stomping. It’s been 2 years and I’m still recovering from the trauma.

[@madeegaindraws]

im genuinley scared for that girl in the safe word story, this man isnt going to take the break up in a good way and she needs to run, not walk, RUN out the door

[@shammydammy2610]

Oh, he gets your 'no'. He just doesn't want to accept your 'no'.

[@chelbanna]

Story 1: why did she even stay with Dave this long? He's been actively racist to her and her family, and all the "little" things he has done and said about fat people have all been awful. He openly insults strangers? Does he have any redeeming qualities at all, because those are some hard-core negatives.

[@ruthhenderson5413]

His fascination with male physique may imply that he is living his life on the down-low when he is not with her. Together with all the other red flags, she should send him on his not-so-merry way.

[@jamiewulfyr4607]

He's an "imperialist"? Exactly who's empire is he in favour of? The last major empire in the world was in large part dismantled because of American diplomacy and soft power flexing. Edit: That being said he sounds like an insufferable individual.

[@aqxbjc5879]

I think China could reasonably be called a major empire

[@rosiecheeks.k]

Yo!!! That prejudiced boyfriend!! Jeez! Did anyone else get STRONG!!! The brother in 'Get out' vibes when he started talking about physique and his black friends 'breeding' ability! *rolls eyes*...soooo many warning flags here it is a wonder op can get to him with all those flags slapping her in the face!! Thank goodness she saw the light!!!

[@devorothknight4420]

I got some closeted vibes from how she described him drooling over "ideal male physique".

[@Lady.B0420]

It sounds like a BS story to me.

[@unxsuallxst3832]

For the story about the sugar daddy I blame the boyfriend because he could have ended it at any time and not waste like a few months or years so I blame him and not the girl 😶

[@flashingunicorncupcakekiss1436]

LOL 😂 " I will talk to an older man to talk to my boyfriend so we don't 💔 break up." Girl your delusional!

[@emotional.support.goblin]

Dear God, that second post was painful! All of those people who trashed on the sugar baby seriously need a healthy dose of karma. The amount of unjustified hate is unreal.

[@happysheepies7321]

100% Tom is the AH here

[@mariabarker2036]

Don't forgive someone who dated you after knowing something they couldn't accept, and then tries to make you feel bad about that something. Move on, and leave that gaslighter behind.

[@LaporshaXO]

This is why you hide certain things from men. They devalue you based on your choice to have a beneficial relationship, meanwhile they see no issues with them sharing their bodies with large numbers of women just because they can. Which is GROSS. He was insecure and could not match your sugar daddy in prestige, finances, or resources. Let him go. Don’t let him flip the script on you. You were always out of his league, he’s getting a power trip right now. Cut his supply and let him go. Don’t fall for it.

[@reannejarvis7098]

Run Run run as fast as you can. Leave Dave immediately

[@quentinstayskull2464]

Honestly, i think the only reason the Non consenting OP has brought up the fact that sometimes she says "no" while playing is because she feels like that would be the only logical reason he would disregard her words. No NT person would disregard context like that. He knows she doesn't like it, he just feels like he knows better. But he knows.

[@amyjorgensen2876]

For the first story OP needs to throw the whole damn man away he isn’t salvageable

[@jimbobjones9330]

I would say the problem with the "No" post is that in their relationship, "no" sometimes doesn't mean "no" (as OP said at the beginning, when they're wrestling). So a definitive "this is REALLY a NO" safe-word would probably work best for them. Edit: Just heard the update. She needs to leave this guy.

[@Noalmenclature]

It amazes me how many people still don't understand the concept consent. (read: of not forcing people to drink a cup of tea.)

[@rogertaylor7433]

If you are in a relationship where you feel like you are walking on eggshells with the other person... get out of the relationship.

[@WobblesandBean]

14:30 Oh, honey...this is what they do. PUA's deliberately pick away at your self esteem so that you won't feel good enough. Cuz if you have no confidence, you're easy to manipulate and he won't have to try hard to impress you. RUN. 15:00 And right on cue, here come these awful people being awful to OP for having the audacity to be honest and up front with her life, and allowing Tom to make up his own mind on whether or not he wanted to remain with her. She never manipulated him, she was up front and said "look, this is what I'm doing, if you're not ok with it you're more than allowed to not want to date me." This is on him, not her. Honey, be glad he's gone. I know it hurts now, but he's not one of the good ones like you think he is! When he says he "wants to work on himself", what he means is he wants to become a misogynistic conkwocket just like his friend, and together with him have an excuse to treat women badly.

[@kiralonely1307]

I agree with all of this and will also be using the term "conkwocket" more in my vocabulary lmao.

[@nancysadewater964]

1st story: Open your eyes OP, he has shown you who he is....believe him and love yourself enough to walk away.

[@rykercabler9756]

Story one: gtfo of there wth? WHY would you be with him after he said that about your brother? Seriously the guy ain’t gonna change

[@arawin25]

I seriously didn't even need to listen to the first story to know that the OP shouldn't be in a relationship with that dude. I'm actually pretty shocked that anyone would want to be in a relationship with that kind of person let alone a POC. Um that OP strongly makes me question there mental state and how they see there self/ insecurities.

[@aliquot8404]

🐊🇦🇺 *Index -- Relationships* 🦐⚗️ *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 00:00 • Intro • Hi, Markee! *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 00:14 • #1 • Dark-sided bf Dave 08:30 • #1√ • OP dumped him *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 13:00 • #2 • My sugar baby past 17:56 • #2√ • OP was dumped *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 23:30 • #3 • Bf ignores No/Stop 32:36 • #3√ • Assault × 2 🚩🚩 *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 36:48 • #4 • ILs made my kid sick 44:54 • #4√ • Little progress *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 48:34 • #5 • Dad is not *my* dad 55:52 • #5∆ • OP not evicted yet 56:30 • #5+ • Sister raises storm 57:06 • #5√ • Back to "normal" *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 1:06:26 • #6 • Friend's gf cheats 1:11:40 • #6√ • OP told friend *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 1:15:52 • #7 • Sterile; wife prego 1:22:32 • #7+ • Something's off 1:27:34 • #7√ • Positive end (?) *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 1:37:50 • #8 • birth -4; bf married 1:46:12 • #8√ • suing; wife is "ok" *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 1:48:50 • #9 • gf → her dying ex 1:54:44 • #9√ • she's ex; I go home *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 1:58:54 • #10 • I'm her last resort 2:04:08 • #10√ • alcohol = stupidity *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 2:11:18 • #11 • sex - bf guilts me 2:15:32 • #11√ • OP dumped AH bf *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•* 2:19:02 • outro • Bye, Markee! *•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•*

[@Alisha21210]

Imagine getting the miracle baby you wanted but then you end up believing your wife cheated to get it. And everything your wife does ends up being suspicious the entire time. He NEEDS THERAPY

[@pipr5070]

OP1 - this relationship has more red flags than a Chinese military parade. Run run run far away and free yourself from him. There’s plenty of decent blokes who’d accept you for who you are and all of you.

[@kc.p2003]

Story 1: whhyyyyy did op stay with him so long???? I know it's long distance but the comments he made were still ridiculous... he broke her trust, and hid it for so long (apparently very good) who's to say he isn't trying to manipulate her again 🙄

[@nyxx5357]

23:12 No, it's not. I don't get why someone being a sex worker makes them unmarriable. How is sleeping with someone for money any different than sleeping with someone for love, as long as they're both consensual? Why is one considered "dirty", while the other isn't? There's just as much of a risk for an office worker who has a lot of sex to get an STI as there is for a sex worker.

[@lisabagdonjones1950]

How is a pickup artist morally superior to a sugar baby? She's better off without him

[@kckc4955]

Omg this first guy. Run is riiiight. Yuk

[@Kati_P]

So, I'm demisexual, and for me sex is not something that I can ever see as casual or "just sex". Unfortunately, sex work or having a "sugar daddy/mama" would be a dealbreaker for me in a relationship. I see sex as the most intimate act one can do with another. You're vulnerable in several different ways, and that's not something I take lightly for myself, or my partner. You have to be on the same page on this as far as a serious, long-term partner is concerned, because sex is (for non-asexual people) typically a large part of a committed relationship. If you don't view sex in the same way as your partner it's going to cause problems.

[@completeposer8524]

I agree. But he did know from the start, and he should have told her if he was uncomfortable. He had 3 years and within the time she was with the sugar daddy he could have told her he didn't like it.

[@kiralonely1307]

@@completeposer8524 Exactly, if it was a dealbreaker for him, he should've been upfront about it like she was being upfront about being involved in the sugaring and stuff. Also, as a heads up, Katherine, not all sugar daddy/mama stuff is sexual. A lot of it can be platonic and stuff, and it's a huge misconception that it's all sexual. It's not something a lot of people consider as sex work, unless I guess it takes the turn it did with OP, but even then it lies in this middle ground between relationships and sex work and is not really easy to pin to one or the other. While I understand how you feel about it and stuff, I just wanted to clarify.

[@lifeofzoe6276]

Jesus the sugar daddy story. All of the comments were so toxic and horrible. You can do sex work and still have relationships people! He knew she had that arrangement and she didn't even think that they were seriously dating, so why does it matter so much? He could have left the situation, it was not up to her to change her profession just because some guy she wasn't even serious with couldn't communicate properly.

[@damien678]

seriously!! im so incredibly mad for OP.

[@phenomenal_woman]

This is not to say racist do not change. I am glad to see when they do.

[@canadalovesanime3137]

The story with the pick up artist friend. That ex wants an "innocent" girl who is "pure". Not a real woman who knows what she needs. He is insecure because he fears being compared to other men. In five or so years this guy will be jumping from conquest to conquest, living his "perfect" pick up artist life. All the things he claimed as reason for the break up, won't matter to him any more. He will not see women as humans with feelings. OP did the right thing by taking care of herself to the best of her ability. Even if what she did was "s*x work" that doesn't make her bad or less than. I hope OP finds herself someone who is confident enough to be able to accept her for who she is.

[@dawnsharp8524]

When you say NO and don't back it up, you trained him to keep trying. Use a safe word.

[@cheyennetrumbos]

He literally told her he wouldn't respect a safeword. She needs to leave him.

[@dinimueter539]

First story: Wtf?! Why is OP with this man in the first place? Forget counseling, you need to run! Where is your self-worth? I genuinely don’t understand why some people get together with a shitty person and then ask what they should do.

[@mgaus]

14:40 in the edit she doesn't think she was a s3cts worker?! She's delusional. That's exactly what she was doing as a sugar baby

[@Probablydeservesit]

Only comment that makes any sense

[@kbf9644]

Gurl, what are doing? He has told who he is. His actions reaffirmed that time and time again. Believe it and run far, far away. Whew! Thankfully she heard redditors.

[@kbf9644]

This applied to a second story too and I hope she gtfo 😟

[@charlottelake4965]

Shoutouts to Markee comin through with the trigger warnings I really appreciate it as other channels forget to do them alot 🖤🖤🖤

[@gayeenglund1907]

For the sugar baby: There are many very lovely men out there that will accept different relationships and life will be much more exciting for you with them. You are an open minded person trying to fit in with a closed mind - it doesn't work. If you could see your whole future with this current guy, you would be glad he is ending it now. There is a wonderful world of variety out there so ho on and embrace it.

[@videofan1010]

Ok - so OP#1 he told you who he was and you chose to have a relationship with him. Why are you still in this relationship?

[@jgw5491]

And what exactly do you love about him? Nothing that you mentioned is lovable. Is the sex that good?

[@BumblebeeQueene64]

Wait do people not keep hand sanitizer in their cars normally? 😳

[@QueenOfTheZombieApocalypse]

As someone with immune issues that was constantly sick as a kid because other children’s parents thought “they can go to school, it’s just a cold” PLEASE DONT SEND YOUR KIDS TO SCHOOL SICK!!!

[@staycejo1]

If by law a child can't go to school or daycare because they are sick then they are too sick to be going visiting people especially a newborn. OP is a new mother and she has been hearing about a baby in the family that died of SIDS. Of course she has been so upset, children don't come with instructions.

[@frogking6416]

Sugar baby story: the boyfriend was spineless back then he's spinless now except with ✨ confidence ✨. She told him straight into the relationship why drag a dead horse along when you could have just left it when it just died. He knew he wanted to break up he knew he wasn't comfortable with her arraignment, there's a solution that could have ended it much sooner than it did.

[@ImaNerdANDaGeek]

There is prejudice born of ignorance and there is prejudice born of callousness, and he definitely seems the latter.

[@rogertaylor7433]

No should always mean NO. Any confusing messages of no, (Sometimes) means that you don't know your own boundaries. If someone crosses your boundaries, and you don't know your own boundaries, you bring it on yourself wherever happens. That's it completely. Tickle = no (but don't really mean it) Sex= no (but do mean it) CONFUSING

[@jessicarose0528]

WOW. In the sugar daddy post: Most redditors practically branded OP with the scarlet letter. I don't agree with OP's treatment of her boyfriend & how she was baffled that he didn't want to be with her anymore. This is a lesson she needs to learn about considering a partner's feelings & communication. Not being obsessed with making it work, or if they'll be together again in the future. She has a lot of self work to do & should actually stay away from relationships for a bit. And therapy wouldn't be a bad idea either. I don't see how telling her over & over how a history of sex work is undesirable to literally any potential partner helps the situation at all. That's just flat out untrue. I understand her boyfriend not liking her other relationship when they were beginning to date & that is a fair dealbreaker. However, the responsibility was 100% on him to deal with a factor that was a problem for him. He shouldn't have proceeded with the relationship but the best tjing he could have done is end it-ideally would have been BEFORE the pick-up artist. Like, that wasn't a HUGE clue he's looking to get out of the relationship? There are ways to work on self esteem that aren't with a pick-up artist. I'm sure he'd say he didn't have the confidence to end it before but again, a therapist would have been better equipped to help him than a pick-up guru.

[@nyb3672]

Some of the comments were absolutely disgusting- calling her a prostitute (which has many very negative connotations) and sting that it makes her less attractive and a “negative 1 on her hotness”. Sex work is not inherently a detractor to a human being a HUMAN and all the people slandering her are misogynistic and horrible.

[@HarryVibes36]

Getting piped by a old man while your dating your BF, then when he breaks up with you, you say your gonna go find a older man to try to manipulate him back makes her trash, sit down

[@natsolomon7849]

The -1 in hotness took me out, the whole comment was almost laughable in how disgusting it was I can’t believe it was read with a straight face and then just moved on

[@nyb3672]

@@HarryVibes36 If he had a problem with it he should have dipped out at the beginning. Holding on to that just to dig up later is childish.

[@kiralonely1307]

@@HarryVibes36 Wow, so she's immature so him not being communicative, him blaming her, him becoming misogynistic, and then all of the comments that are borderline abusive in nature, nooo, nooo that's definitely not immature in terms of her being kind of toxic. Clearly. /s

[@bobcatred]

Wow, that first story was a train wreck of a relationship begging to turn into an abusive marriage. I cringe.

[@ceridwen04]

If I was with a partner who knew he was sterile and I got pregnant I'd be the first to bring up a test to settle any doubts. It's too much blind trust to expect, and actually I'd go as far as to say I don't know if I could respect someone that in that situation wouldn't have any doubts. I'd be the first to bring it up.

[@urbanedgeautodetailing]

The old saying fits this situation perfectly "drunken words are sober thoughts"

[@maheenahmed6653]

Op needs to cut and run. Run away and never look back. Like I don’t know why op is “unsure” and isn’t 100% sure about leaving. What kind of father would he be to any daughters? And sons as well.

[@adriennec26]

Girl why just why you should've just noped right out of that relationship as soon as you found out about the real him and you know why too ridiculous 🙄

[@nottori7]

Sugar Baby OP isn’t a bad person, and she doesn’t have some dark past, jfk. All of those hate-monger commenters sound like misogynists. She was upfront with bf about her sugar baby lifestyle (telling him within the first few dates), and he literally never shared with her his disinterest or otherwise disgust with her choices (until the breakup blowup). He should have told her it was a hard no from the very beginning. Instead, he let a wound fester without saying a word and is now playing victim, like he didn’t just blindside her with his resentment. No wonder she’s confused and wants to fix things. She only just found out there was a problem to address. All of the commenters that are being super aggro and complaining about how she lied to him or wasn’t honest or somehow took advantage of him are literally just pissed that she was paid for companionship and her now ex-bf was apparently too small d energy to speak up like an adult to express his issues. He could’ve at the very least ghosted her if this was so awful for him to express. In essence, he strung her along for 3 years only to gain the balls and hurt her good for daring to make life choices he didn’t care for. I hope OP realizes she isn’t a bad person and her past isn’t something she should feel ashamed of. She did what she thought was best to support herself, there’s a market for companionship, and she applied herself. She was upfront and honest, and that’s all she could be required to do, yet he didn’t do the same for her, unfortunately (in hiding his true feelings). She went so far as to leave her lifestyle behind for the sake of her relationship with her ex-bf. She did good by him. Screw anyone who says otherwise.

[@damien678]

she did so good by him and im so pissed off at these commenters. you just KNOW they lurked on pickup artist forums and bought at least 1 rooshv book. theyre just pissed that shes not only pretty enough but has a good enough of a personality to be paid to be a sugarbaby

[@thebacklashwaveV]

I'm genuinely sympathetic, but both of them are out of their damn minds. He could've blown up a building and she'd give a Val excuse for him

[@thebacklashwaveV]

Wait, he literally commented on the "warrior gene" ?! Lmao

[@dinimueter539]

Tom is not „more mature and secure now“. No mature and secure man needs this PUA crap. OP should be lucky she’s got rid of him. The very misogynistic comments make me speechless. „He’s upgraded now.“ seriously?? What a crappy mindset!

[@Graves933]

"It's a negative 1 to your hotness" I love how men consume all different forms of sex work but look down upon those who do it. If you look down on someone because of their profession, you're a bad person.

[@missyjune9014]

If you feel the doctor did not provide adequate information- get a new doctor.

[@ShatnerLover]

That last story is a huge issue waiting to happen! First of all, after only a month together, I find it hard to believe OP is actually in love with the guy. Especially if he’s spent the majority of the time harassing her for sex. Second, if the boyfriend can’t handle waiting for sex, he needs to find a girlfriend who has no qualms with rushing in. Using guilt and throwing positive emotions back in her face is not healthy and not cool at all. Sex is great, but he’s not entitled to it just because he has a girlfriend. Third of all, OP needs some serious therapy. From personal experience, it takes a long time to get over that kind of assault and having a partner trying to guilt me into sex would make things a whole lot worse. And she’s ready to say she loves someone who has waved the only red flag necessary to break the deal after only a month.

[@Mikey-jv5fv]

First op is a great example of how people can still be racist and also date/be attracted to/have sex with people outside of their race

[@MrKurtykurt]

Mom may be a coward, dad is also a coward but he’s using his anger about mom’s affair as a valid excuse, WHILE leading you on as a loving father which makes him also a GIANT PoS

[@revposton]

Omg the new look you are going for fits you.

[@zapacunotres59]

How the HELL is the woman to blame in the sugar baby story!? She told him by the third date, that is pretty quick. If HE had a problem HE should have said something. She stopped because she THOUGHT he had an issue, not KNEW. If he has issues, he should talk to her like an adult. Also, the PUA didn't make him misogynistic, he just brought it out. The one with the bf who wouldn't stop after she said no. I thought "maybe he doesn't get it. She can talk with him and they can sort it out Then the update. At first "OMG HE FINALLY GETS IT! AWESOME!" then...when he assaulted her...AND HER FRIENDS SIDING WITH HIM!?!?!? The one with the possibly infertile father...THAT UPDATE WAS AWESOME

[@shecoda4402]

STORY about Sugardaddy. OP needs therapy. I hope she finds somebody who can help her.

[@rayblacksmith8738]

To the op in the first story run like the wind. Go NC, block him from everything. You need a good man who will support you and do right by you.