Jennette McCurdy: Enmeshment, Individuating, & Coping Mechanisms

Jennette McCurdy, writer, director, actor, and singer (iCarly, Sam & Cat), inspires Mayim with her openness and vulnerability as she shares the harmful coping mechanisms and profound revelations she experienced following the death of her mother - leading to Jennette’s one woman show "I’m Glad My Mom Died." Jennette discusses the pressures and anxieties she faced at an early age as a hugely popular children’s TV star and the source of financial support for her family. Jennette unpacks how her identity was tied to her mother’s perceptions of her and how the enmeshed relationship impacted her. Mayim breaks down the psychological concept of enmeshment, including the effects of removing an enmeshed relationship from one’s life, the reasons we tolerate emotional discomfort for so long, and the elements of the power struggles surrounding love. Mayim and Jennette deeply connect over their self-discovery journeys, including their respective paths to recovery from disordered eating. They also discuss their personal and professional plans for the future, and Mayim confesses her feelings about her upcoming feature directorial debut.
In a new installment of Ask Mayim Anything, Mayim explains the origins of self-sabotage and insecurities in an otherwise healthy relationship.
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Theme Song Written, Produced, and Performed by Ed Robertson. Mixed by Kenny Luong.
#MayimBialik​​​ #BialikBreakdown #JennetteMcCurdy

[@shoujosadpop9904]

"If you're mean to your child, they won't grow up hating you, they will hate themselves " DUDE THIS WILL BE MY MANTRA IF I EVER DECIDE TO BE A PARENT ONE DAY

[@Gigilovehugs]

And when they learn to love themselves they will hate their parents

[@michellegash1319]

@@Gigilovehugs spot on

[@lisarodriguez6966]

@@Gigilovehugs I wish it always was 'when', but it's more like 'if'.

[@Gigilovehugs]

@@lisarodriguez6966 are you saying if someone learn how to love themselves?

[@lisarodriguez6966]

@@Gigilovehugs yes.

[@violet3002]

"i started acting very late in life, i was 12" that is the most child actor thing i've ever heard in my life

[@summerrose8110]

How would you feel if your parent, who is supposed to protect you ended up pimping you to a child molester?

[@crumbsandcobwebs]

painful! poor bb.

[@CuteBrainiacGirl]

I mean, she was on tv almost immediately!!

[@avery8852]

@@CuteBrainiacGirl I bet in her world, where she was always surrounded by other child stars grasping for the spotlight, it seemed to her that she came into the game late

[@anna_banana7019]

So true. The uneasy reality of child stardom though is it’s easy to make a child look older but far more challenging making an early teen look younger. Take the stranger things kids for example. The show aged up the characters quickly because once the actors hit their teens there was no going back. Casting directors want to hire as young as possible to get maximum use and profit

[@solo_alien]

The moment you realize your parents are just people is incredibly life changing.

[@littleripper312]

I'm in my 30's and I still view my parents as more... capable maybe? When things go wrong I still call my parents and expect them to tell me how to fix it 😂 I still have a hard time viewing them as flawed as I am but that's probably down to more life experience.

[@MiguelPlata26]

Oh by fifteen I already knew this. But at some point you gotta stop blaming your problems on your parents.

[@nicolewilliams2468]

This resonates with me, too.

[@leahswenson7776]

Facts

[@vanessaultimo1926]

I had a literal breakdown when I came to this realization in a very painful way. Now I find it kind of silly to think that my parents were somehow perfect beings but that's just how I thought for a long time.

[@jellyrcw12]

Jennette is truly a walking example of healing and setting healthy boundaries. She deserves nothing but the absolute best in this lifetime. I really hope she is always surrounded by love and doing what matters to her.

[@Noclaf555]

A year after this people need to read her book, it's sad but a great book.

[@feezible]

And she will.

[@jpx8793]

@@feezible REading her book helped me realize I've been lying to myself. I've endured abuse too, but had buried it deep down.

[@Wetcamerainc]

Book was great. She was fighting for happiness from 6 years old

[@kalalea_gordon]

I hope she reads this comment, and believes it to her core. I want this for her too, and for all of us. 💗

[@kirstyrussell7633]

I just got done binge listening to "I'm glad my mom died" last week. Excellent book. Incredibly sad but also very relatable. Finished it in one day.

[@thearbivs]

Jennette came out of this ordeal as a down to earth, thoughtful, and mature woman. Really impressive interview!

[@TheBostonYanks]

Ha mature I can send you a screen shot of her dissing a fans tastes because she was binge watching sam and cat calling it "a terrible show" and saying she felt bad for the girl and when I reprimanded her for saying that she deleted the comment and I think since then deleted that video she posted which she always does. Also via her grandmother she "blames me" for her bad relationship with her grandma. Because I was facebook friends with her. You cant write this shit.

[@Guilherme_Silva1990]

@@TheBostonYanks So basically she gave her opinion on a show she did, and you got your feelings hurt because it wasn't a positive one... Hmm, that says a lot about you!

[@TheBostonYanks]

@@Guilherme_Silva1990 no actually I didnt get my feelings hurt from that I got mad that she dissed another fans tastes. You dont diss someones likes when it comes to media. I mean I know the show isn't the best but you dont say to fans I feel sorry for you. Thats fucked up and thats only one of the fucked up things shes said or done.

[@bhhb4326]

Really? Feels hard to believe but I need proof.

[@TheBostonYanks]

@@bhhb4326 what do you need proof of because I have a lot of it TBH but its understandable considering who raised her and messages she was told. Shes lucky shes doing better physically and got over for the most part her ED

[@Peldyn]

My mother’s death was a relief. I never liked her as a person. Even as a child I knew she was manipulative, emotionally, and physically abusive. She was a human being and I respected her as such but not sure I ever loved her. I know that may sound awful. I do wish she had sought out help with her mental health much much sooner.

[@marythomson4117]

❤️

[@apostababelindajames7461]

No darlin, that does not sound awful. If I wasn't a carbon copy look alike of my mother, I would swear there's no way I could have ever came from that woman. I experienced my mother the same way as you describe yours. As I grew up physically, she along with the Doomsday CULTure she raised me in, made sure that I wouldn't develop as a person. I could never make sense of what they presented to me as my ( because it was their ) reality. I had never signed up for the competition that her behavior eventually proved to be. What I came to find from researching abusive relationships is that her characteristics were found under the categories of a malignant narcissist, bordering on sociopath. My mother is still alive. As long as she is, I will remain on tactical alert untill she departs.

[@elijahgavin6706]

No one is owed respect for existing. Narcissists are always deaths for celebration

[@betsybabf748]

My mother was one of my best friend's. I married young, but we spoke every day. I told her everything. My husband and I invited her for everything we did. I woke one morning, Valentine's Day, at 41 and found my husband dead. I was in shock, beyond devastated, barely able to function. He was my world since we were kids. Just 4 weeks later my 61 yr old mom was diagnosed with terminal lung & brain cancer. I spend my in shock days as a new traumatized widow, with our 5 grieving kids, watching her die, handling her end of life care because my sister was 'busy'. It felt like the world was ending around me. Then her will was read. She gave everything to my sister and her boyfriend, who lived off my mother their entire adult lives, and gave me, her oldest, suddenly widowed with 5 kids with primary income gone, life blindsided, with no explanation. Sometimes you know nothing about the world and the people around you. Sadly, you can only truly trust yourself.

[@lauraw.7008]

@@betsybabf748 I’m sorry that happened to you. Hoping you and your children have since found a supportive community.💝

[@eponymoususer8923]

It happens with moms and sons, too. This sounds similar to emotional incest, a type of abuse in which a parent looks to their child for the emotional support that would be normally provided by another adult.

[@sugarsore]

Thats what my mom did to me. I remember being 8 or 9 years old and her telling me I was her best friend.

[@eponymoususer8923]

I’m sad to hear that’s your experience. Hopefully your adulthood will be full of healthier attachments. Therapy can help you do the work to untangle the mess enmeshment creates. Without the work, many survivors find it difficult to create healthy attachment in life. Good luck to you.

[@sugarsore]

@@eponymoususer8923 thank you.

[@fraufuchs9555]

@@sugarsore as a child my mother taught me that if someone asked me who was my best friend I should say she was.

[@fraufuchs9555]

My mother has always treated me either like her spouse or like her mother, not her daughter. I remember being about 9 years old, wanting to play, but couldn't because she wanted me to listen to her problems, like job issues, the house renovation, and so on. She even expected ME to giver her advices!!! She treated me like an adult when it came to her problems, but she treated me as an incapable child even when I was adult if it came to make choices for my own life. That's absolutely insane.

[@cathiehealey4608]

I grew up with undiagnosed ADHD, so basically grew up always being wrong (and often not understanding how or why), because of this, I never really developed any sense of internal validation. So the conversation about discovering what your internal validation is (vs looking for external validation) actually is really hit home. It's one of the things I'm working on now in therapy (I'm in my 50's and this is the first time I'm considering internal validation). Thank you for the conversation.

[@drebugsita]

Wow, I didn't connect these things - ADHD and validation. Was diagnosed in my mid-thirties. Have been working on validating myself

[@josiahrickens4556]

I grew up being told tht I had ADHD told I was to smart for dumb classes but to dumb for smart classes when in school till I graduated early before my sister did in 95 while she graduated in 96 and I have been a volunteer firefighter and rescue since I was 18 and out of high school

[@livialobo4428]

Me too

[@moniqueengleman873]

@@josiahrickens4556 Living a great life is the very best revenge for your parents, who had absolutely no idea what they were doing when they raised you up. They were just humans too. Forgiveness goes a long long way. And change. By both sides. I found that keeping my promises to Myself was important. Because I would not take care of myself in order to please others. To thy own self be true. and "No" is a complete sentence.

[@leireipas8537]

Thank you so much for this comment. I don't want to overshare my private life over a yt commentary, but I just wanted to say that it really resonates with some parts of my life, and this new narrative really helps understanding, forgiving and is extremely useful ♡ take care

[@enterthenameyo]

Omg this was a crossover I did NOT expect

[@elizabethrace5406]

Me neither! But I am SO glad! I love Jeanette. So excited you had her on!

[@estefvallejo6048]

You should listen to Jeanette’s podcast. It’s great, too!

[@salaltschul3604]

I have BPD and DBT changed my life. Helped me figure out that the addiction/self-harm/eating disorder cycles were symptoms of a much bigger, more concrete issue...turned out my core identity was empty. I had to learn to like things, to choose things, to want things, to think about myself as someone who is deserving of choice. It changed everything and I'll always advocate for those kinds of therapy.

[@veetee4826]

Dbt has been something I've always been off about. The house was way to chaotic

[@veetee4826]

Dbt has been something I've always been off about. The house was way to chaotic

[@veetee4826]

Dbt has been something I've always been off about. The house was way to chaotic

[@suzbone]

I did DBT too, for anxiety and anger issues, and it was the BEST THING EVER. In order to change your perspective you have to be OK with being corrected a lot, but it's SO worth it.

[@bellab8639]

I have BPD as well 😊 I’ve only had one year of DBT, but it has helped me see things differently. I hope to continue!

[@happispaces]

I was hoping to hear Jennette talk more all the way through and hear her story. The same happened when she was on Toxic Mothers and Lea Walters talked so much about herself, and Jennette just listened intently. She is such a good listener too. Can interviewers listen more. You learn so much when you allow your guests to open up without interruption or disturbing their flow.

[@BasicYutuber]

I assume she was saving up her content because at the time unbeknownst to us she was in the middle of writing her book

[@Aelffwynn]

Read her book! It is incredibly well written.

[@iamindia_4913]

- Lol !! I was literally thinking the same thing . I appreciate the flow, but I wanted to hear more from the guest & I wanted her to open up more about her mom & personal issues .. It was a good convo, but I feel like I needed to hear more from Jennette on a different level .

[@victoriadecastro8334]

I had never seen a Mayim Bialik program nor watched a Jennete McCurdy interview until today and I loved this, actually. I think it really added and that it had everything to do with how Jennete responded well.

[@michelleallred8521]

I was just thinking the same thing when I saw your comment!! Talking about eating disorders & she's like "I have a story..." This show she's supposed to be interviewing Jennette, not herself. She even said "no ones life is worse than mine. No one has it as bad as me". She needs more questions & listening than talking about herself

[@catloverKD]

I've had both of these realizations recently: At 33, I have no idea who I am, only that I'm not who I thought I would be. And, while it's perfectly normal and healthy to have an idea of how and what you want your child to be, children do not exist to fulfill their parents' expectations.

[@TheKillahKyla]

Now your life has started 🌠 🌃

[@lindacruickshank7833]

L😊

[@lindacruickshank7833]

​@@TheKillahKylagh a yg

[@BB-nz5sk]

Profound. I’m 51 years old and identify with your comment so much!

[@vanessaelsa5983]

"With alcohol, with drugs, the rule is, you put it down, don't pick it up, no matter what. [...] But I have to pick up food three times a day and twice for snacks, you know. We live in our decease." Yes! Yes! Exactly! Spot on! Couldn't have said it better myself.

[@eponymoususer8923]

This is the common thought, but I think it’s wrong. The measure of healing from addiction isn’t your ability to abstain. Addiction has little to do with the substance you’re addicted to. It has everything to do with seeking comfort from pain and filling voids (missing community, control, loss, death). To support this, any escape will do. A food addict may switch to running to get the dopamine fix that binge eating used to fix; cigarette smokers often become attached to food as a replacement. Alcoholics often become militant Christians.They may have healthier lives, physically. Nonetheless, they’re still addicts. Freedom from addiction comes when you resolve the issues you’re using your drug of choice to numb out or replace. Like with relationships, you’re healthy when you have healthy boundaries and an amicable relationship with your former fix, not when you’re avoiding them at all costs and living in fear of them.

[@vailsoftgod]

One day I will be fluent in English and I will see all these Interviews without the auto-generated google subtitle. I'm Brazilian.

[@skaultra2095]

One day they will put proper subtitles for every video and further in the future they will put proper translations for each video, making it more accessible to all.

[@babygrl78]

English is my first language and I still need them to understand !! Dont ever beat yourself up

[@JustMeELC]

Boa sorte! 👍

[@nitaparker2042]

I really enjoyed getting to know Jeanette. She is delightful. On I Carly she played the character Sam. Part of Sam's persona was that she was always hungry and thinking about food. I would like to have asked her how that affected her food disordered thinking. She is a strong woman.

[@meganharper6566]

She talks about this exact thing on cbc's "q". It was a really good interview, you should check it out. :)

[@AriseandShineSleepers]

I’m sure the creator was aware and did that on purpose. He wrote weird episodes after the other actress had his abortion at 13 years old. Dan Schneider

[@Mondlerrrr]

The fact that she refuses to even say “iCarly” in any interview without saying it in a mocking/uncomfortable tone just tells me she has a lot to work through in that department. It’s nice to see her comfortable talking about something she hid for years. I followed her since I was a preteen/teen and it’s crazy how much her outside personality has changed compared to who she actually is as a person. The real Jennette is coming out and I’m sure she has plenty more to offer.

[@pwk22]

I am a 66 year old man, and I watched that show all the time. I thought it was hilarious. And I don't watch much TV.

[@NJGuy1973]

*Long story alert* There was a baseball player named Tony Horton. He was playing for Cleveland in 1970 when he had a nervous breakdown on the field at Yankee Stadium. A few months later after a suicide attempt he quit the game. He's still alive but since then has not had anything to do with baseball. He won't speak to former teammates, he won't do interviews, he cut himself off from the game entirely. He did let a friend speak on his behalf at a fan convention, the friend said that Horton went into business and has done well, but will not make public appearances. So here's the takeaway: Jeanette McCurdy doesn't even need to utter the word "iCarly" ever again if it's too painful. She doesn't ever again need to do this podcast or that show. If, in the name of mental health, she got some regular job and spent the rest of her life doing that, good for her. She doesn't exist for our entertainment.

[@Mondlerrrr]

@@NJGuy1973 I never said she did. I’m happy for her and she can do whatever the hell she chooses. Just an observation.

[@bhhb4326]

I think she did mention “iCarly” title once. Even in a positive way. She mentioned the title and not the usual “The kid show I was on.” I don’t think she flinched or anything. She was actually laughing talking about it. I think it’s because she met that guest there and it was probably funny to her that they had a crossover. Although that was probably one of the few positive talks of that show.

[@Mondlerrrr]

@@bhhb4326 I remember her saying it once on her podcast. To me, she sounded like she had to force herself to say it and was kind of doing a slightly embarrassed laugh. I suppose that’s open to interpretation, but I think we’re thinking of the same thing, lol.

[@jamie01an]

Love the opening piece around enmeshment, although it can definitely be more nuanced. It’s not always the “best friend” parent it can also be the more “authoritative” parent too. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not black or white. I remember desperately wishing I had a mom like Lorelei and Rory from Gilmore girls because my mom was so severe, moody, authoritative, and controlling. She constantly made me think that I couldn’t do things on my own or make my own decisions but then would resent me for being so needy and desperate for her validation and “help.” She constantly took all of the air out of a room. I wanted a mom that I could talk to and who seemed to actually ‘like’ me, not ‘like’ me only if I did what she wanted. Enmeshment can look different for each person but I liked how you stated it in a really clear way that I think everyone can understand. Jennette holds herself so well and I know that this book is deeply healing for lots of other people out there, including myself, to hear similar stories around abusive mothers especially when it’s not palatable to talk about.

[@themaggattack]

My mom was authoritative, judgmental and overbearing... but then she'd flip and try to be my "friend." Of course, what she considered us being "friends" was her dumping all her grief, fears, frustrations, resentments, emotional dysregulation, gossip, and stress on me. And manipulating information out of me to use against me later to control and humiliate me with... or use me a a tool to control or humiliate someone else. If I tried to set boundaries to get some peace, she'd say I was cruel, unloving, and spoilt. With friends like that who needs enemies?

[@jamie01an]

@@themaggattack Ugh, ditto. I would always feel so humiliated and ashamed for thinking that "this time it's different" and then have it all blow up in my face as it always did.

[@carolynanderson2705]

@@themaggattack yes. Totally relate.

[@Sunshine-cc7hq]

The Mormon talk really is refreshing to hear more people are connected to the Mormon indoctrination but made it out. Still healing here from the expectations and glad to see someone come out the other end.

[@EverMeadow]

Religion is a code or cypher people use to talk about their families to others and Mormonism is an American verison.

[@mwillis7791]

What is so interesting about her relationship with her mom (around the 20:00 mark) is the parallels to Mormonism. Being raised Mormon we were taught we were nothing without Mormonism, our identity was Mormonism. People at church would talk about how they would have no idea who they would be or what bad things they would get up to if it weren’t for the church. Jennette’s relationship with her mother has, from this ex-mo’s perspective, seemed to take on a lot of the dependency from Mormonism.

[@skylaann3492]

Enmeshment just explained my whole childhood to me.. wow. My mind is absolutely boggled.

[@janethomas78]

just telling people they need to set boundaries is not clear. Removing all NEGATIVE people and stepping away from negative communicators is clear. Often people cross talk as a way of abusing and controlling others, manifesting and projecting their own hyper vigilance and more on to you as a coping skill. This really helped me- Thanks!

[@jeniffervenceslau9252]

I cried the whole time. I had no idea this would be a trigger but hearing you guys talk about all the toxic things It made me realized how toxic my own family is too.

[@dianamoncada6734]

Facts. It’s sad to see how toxic one’s family is.

[@ireneryan7654]

" Everything's broken & we're all going to die. " LOL- Mayim, I wasn't expecting you to say this😅

[@lamorrafierro2573]

I mean she’s right 🤣

[@devernepersonal3636]

Two famous people i never expected to see in the same interview. of course that is not the point. Mayim, thank you for putting all the effort into these interviews with your calming nature and expertise. It's very special to see an interview where the host is learning just as much from the person being interviewed as they are learning about themselves from the host. And I like that I learn little tidbits about myself. The anxiety episode with Grace taught me a lot about myself.

[@lisavanderbye5047]

Mayim... I've over 60 and I so agree that when I close my eyes I still see and feel like a teen. I feel that inside, but the out side just laughs at me. You are not the only one who has those quirky thoughts about body image or even those odd thoughts you express so well. Thank you for this podcast. You and Jonathan... and of course your guests... add a bright spot to my days.

[@littleripper312]

I'm in my 30's and feel this way. It's funny because when I look at teens I can see the baby faces and lack of life experience but at the same time I can still see through the eyes of my teenager/young adult self. I think the weirdest thing though is that I'm actually loving the sort of invisibility that getting older gives you. There's so much less pressure with each year and I feel like age gives a confidence that I could never have as a younger person.

[@moniqueengleman873]

I absolutely agree. These are certainly human experiences. I still feel 16....but that has been true for the majority of my life. Now I hardly recognize the person in the mirror.! But I like myself and feel comfortable in my skin. This body doesn't match my mind. And that's ok. I am completely grateful for the good and bad times. Forgiveness is key.

[@carolynanderson2705]

Just turned 60 this year and it still doesn’t compute. I’m in agreement with you: these shows are uplifting and thoughtful and thought provoking in good ways. I’m cheering you on also, Mayim and crew! Keep going. You’ve got something unique and useful.

[@catrionamackenzie5460]

My gran says she gets a fright when she sees herself in the mirror, as she expects to see how she thinks she looks, like she once did. I think it's a shame as I think she looks beautiful but I also understand how difficult and untalked about ageing is. Most people I've talked to say they feel just like they always did but society ignores them more... at least in western culture.

[@karinalafayette8814]

Christina Crawford really paved the way for us to share these stories. My mom was exactly like Jennette's.

[@jackyleblanc6460]

Was....hope you healed

[@lauraindira8421]

Yes , so grateful for CC. My mom was like her too.

[@busofgrunge7430]

Consuming media from women who look like real life women is so healing for my ED. 🖤🖤

[@dnshuezo]

I just finished Jennette’s book and came directly to this episode because I wanted more. So inspiring! I want this 2 women to be my best friends hahahaha

[@carriemcmahon8613]

Me too I loved her book and wondered it Mayim had ever talked to her .

[@vailsoftgod]

Waiting for the day that Jim Parsons will sit across from mayim to be interviewed.

[@thathomegirl324]

I was maybe 10-ish when it hit me how toxic and just how badly my parents shouldn’t be parents. Your parents really do affect your mental well being. I’m disconnected from both of them and am a better parent for it. I feel sympathy for the little girls we were.

[@xx-qn7bc]

Tears to my eyes when i read symphathy for the little girls we were..i could feel that for myself as well 💛 Its understanding what someone has been through because you know the feeling too well 💔

[@angelatrimm7122]

“Seeing myself as my higher power sees me” WOW I can’t explain how much that hit me in my heart and soul

[@r.m5883]

It’s an AA maxim

[@Niakoda]

Hearing out loud the "I have to live in my disorder every day" hit me so hard... Like tears hard. The word IN means so much compared to WITH in that statement... My SO is a recovering addict who has been able to be clean for over 5 years. I am currently still struggling to understand how to navigate my own binge and overeating disorder... Our paths to recovery are so different.

[@AmeliaOak]

I've read Jennette's book, and I was horrified honestly with how much of it I could relate to, and watching this, I'm even more horrified. Even watching you two bond so much over these things is relatable. I didn't have an eating disorder, and I'm a nobody (never been famous), but my mom was very emotionally abusive, and my dad enabled it. I was also homeschooled and my family was intensely Christian. We weren't Mormon but I can still relate to the whole kind of hierarchy thing within the church and our family not quite being at the top. I've thought about writing about my experiences like Jennette did, but I'm not famous or anything so nobody would actually give a shit, lol Sooo much of what you guys said had me nodding and saying "wow" to myself. Sometimes the voice in my head still tells me that I didn't really go through anything all that traumatic, but then I hear things like this and it's validating. You two are incredible! Edit: Come to think of it, I don't know if I would call it a disorder but I did fixate on food a lot as a kid. We were poor, so we didn't often have the best or a lot of food in the house. I would wake up and wonder if today would be a "good eating day" or not. I would watch kid shows on PBS and I would be angry at kids if they had food to eat when I didn't. I remember fantasizing with my mom about all the good things to eat that we wished we had and crying because we just had saltine crackers, and asking the kids at school what they ate for dinner. My mom used to buy a jar of peanut butter that was supposed to last all week long, and my brother would eat it all in one night. My mom would scream at him for being a thief and tell him he was going to hell for stealing from his family. He was probably 4 years old at the time that this started. I still focus a lot on food these days...just in a different way. Oh, and I was accused of being anorexic in high school. Turns out I was just malnourished...

[@gloriouslyimperfect]

Write it down. Write it for yourself. You have no idea who you may help by being truthful with your experience

[@AmeliaOak]

@@gloriouslyimperfect my mom is alive though

[@gloriouslyimperfect]

@@AmeliaOak So is mine. I wrote for my own healing. Never shared it with anyone else - at least not yet. I may someday but thats not why I wrote it down. I wrote it down to remember to not repeat the cycles of my family dysfunction. I wrote it to heal myself. Your story and your feelings are not less valid because you're not famous. Even if you write it and put it in a box and never look at it again you've shared it somewhere and maybe in writing it healed a little bit of yourself

[@AmeliaOak]

@@gloriouslyimperfect I love this, and I actually have written some of it down for myself. I journal a lot because it’s cathartic.

[@gloriouslyimperfect]

@@AmeliaOak I'm glad to hear that. In case no one has told you, you are worthy of healing and love and laughter and all the good things in life. Dont let your brain that was programmed by the people who hurt you tell you otherwise. Light and love on your journey!

[@browneyedgirl4637]

I am so bad about not using stuff that I love in hopes to not use it up too quickly and have it longer to the point of letting it spoil. I did not know other people also dealt with that. Thank you.

[@esmeraldagreengate4354]

I thought it was just me!

[@cutiepie71181]

Saaaaaaame!!!

[@nataliaalfonso2662]

Very common hoarding/OCD trait

[@AnnaGirardini]

Same here. My clothes get old and out of fashion while still brand new because I wear them only on occasions.

[@ragedef7ms]

This is mind blowing. I’ve also done this my whole life. Wow.

[@jenjuuu]

When I realized my parents are not perfect I felt extreme shame that I suddenly saw their faults and had negative thoughts about them. It took a long time to get over this feeling.

[@monipipee]

I didnt watch ICarly and was only slightly aware of Janette before BUT Ive seen few interviews with her and now read her book and I am so in awe of the person she became after everything she experienced, she is an amazing writer and a real role model for the younger generations, not because of her sting on the Icarly show but of how she grew and transformed and fought for herself and now is following her dreams of being a writer and director. Loved the book and I look forward to read and see more from Janette!

[@Ifailedeverything]

36:43 I literally have notebooks and paper from 25-30 years ago because they are too nice and if I were to write in them it has to be 100% the perfect thing - which I’ll never come up with. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only loony that does this.

[@LoriWolfcat]

I love how Mayim is just being her, and she’s just so energetic and giddy. These interviews are just so wholesome and I hope they continue.

[@devlinmurphy4830]

"Everything is broken and we're all gonna die. Thanks for listening!" BUAHAHAHA I almost fell out of my seat! This is my first listen to this podcast and I am absolutely hooked. The honesty and the willingness to explore what can be so painful is cathartic - and to connect it cerebrally is helpful for practical improvement. And what an incredibly awesome woman Jannette grew to be. We don't have the same experiences with our moms, but a lot of the things she said regarding the after effects and continued self maintenance mirrored my own. Is it strange to be so proud of a fellow human I don't know? Maybe. But I am.

[@lindsayp1399]

Omg! SAME!

[@carolynanderson2705]

Jonathan, thank you for hitting the nail on the head re: so many of us don’t know what we want other than what we’ve been told by family/society. We have learned to look to the outside world for direction and affirmation of who we are rather than going within .

[@MitchellShilling]

I salute Jennette so much for being open about what was behind the scenes in her personal life and how getting help got her to the awesome writer and director she is today! While I do think it is kinda sad that Jennette isn’t doing acting anymore, the most important thing is that she gave up acting to get her life back on track rather than having to spend another day being trapped in the body of someone that’s been told that they’re not capable of figuring out their own identity when they truly are capable of really showing that need to make these big decisions and choices in life that aren’t going to be easy, yet doing so will truly show their inner self in the end.

[@Kjj17]

The moment they started talking about "enmeshment" I knew this was gonna be tough to listen to- which made me listen all the closer.

[@katieb1312]

Jennette is very mature beyond her years. This interview, and Jonathan and Mayim’s interview with her own podcast is must-see 💕 I ended up squealing after watching this episode. Mayim’s happiness and laughter on this day is contagious and radiates a complete opposite on her aura when she interviewed Glennon Doyle, where you can feel her anxiety. Here, she’s just very happy, and it’s palpable 💕

[@katielizsmith]

This episode spoke to me tremendously. And Mayim - I'm 46 years old and still don't really know who I am.

[@carlyblack42]

This whole podcast series has given me so much to research and look into about myself. And one thing Mayim said sounds so much like something I said to myself-- life is just a series of coming to terms with one thing about yourself after another

[@jjaredzz]

i was a DBT case manager working with youth and DBT saved my life. Loved this interview so much.

[@HEARTProgramOR]

Jonathan was wonderful in this episode. Thank you for letting him have more mic time. I am so impressed with how Mayim has shown so much authenticity and vulnerability in sharing with Jennette who tells her story eloquently and with such bravery.

[@brittanycamille6460]

“The more I love something, the less I use it”. omg I was the same way but I’m learning not to do that! I relate to all of this so much. I’m so glad I found both your podcasts.

[@omg-ch9yk]

Jennette is the bravest person ever and she certainly is contributing to the society and helping and inspiring millions of people She's just great ‼

[@kellysartthrob]

Best podcast yet, and they're all good. I adored Sam in iCarly (my son watched it and I tagged along) and felt a little disappointed for Jeanette that her acting career didn't flourish after that show ended. It seems like that was a blessing for her, though. You never know what's going on behind the scenes in a public person's life. She seems like a really strong, resilient person and this was inspiring. Thanks!

[@nab-rk4ob]

#enmeshment When you define it as one person having an emotion, the rest of the family revolves around that person. I grew up with it and then recreated it in my own family. It's a terrible way to live. Thank you for your compassion and giving us the interview.

[@jenme2390]

Yes, Jonathan! :) I'm giving you snaps of agreement on so many things you said. I just heard that quote for the first time the other day and it was such an eye opener. The version that I heard went "A child who is abused doesn't stop loving the caregiver(their abuser in this case), they stop loving themselves." It's a strange phenomena, but a key to understanding in order to unravel in moving forward.

[@candyskinner6710]

It’s safer to hate yourself than to hate the person that society dictates you are supposed to love.

[@adrianaavila8853]

@@candyskinner6710 damn. 😭 this is so healing

[@kendallrogers7401]

This quote really spoke to me thank you

[@jenme2390]

@@candyskinner6710 For me, I wouldn’t say that is why. As a child you don’t know any different. You genuinely believe that this person has your best interest at heart and you are supposed to follow their rules. So if they are telling you that you are x, y and a then it is kind of difficult as a child to have the fortitude to recognize, identify and the opportunity to say hey, you abusive grownup l, are actually wrong. I am not what you say I am and I actually don’t deserve to be treated this way. It’s a bit of brainwashing if you will…that takes a LOT of time to undo.

[@walpurgisnight7]

This has to be my favorite interview to watch of all time. The type of immediate connection you can feel with someone who shares trauma is so validating and makes for such honest and accepting discussions. Seeing these two women who I have grown up looking forward to hearing about makes my day so much brighter.

[@t.darrigo152]

I didn't have my 1 and only child until I was 30. Totally relate to alllll of this. No rush. Enjoy. You would be a great mother. You've come soooo far!!

[@ehurte65]

I had my one and only child, just 3 months shy, of turning 33. She is now 24 1/2.

[@roxyd7127]

This episode made me question and think a lot. I appreciated the humor sprinkled in.

[@momcatx2]

I can't believe I only just discovered this podcast! This is quickly becoming my favorite listen. ❤🌸

[@sarahyoungblood654]

Mine as well! I’ve never liked podcasts, but I love this one.

[@karenterrell8843]

I feel that Jonathan needs to contribute more. When he does it’s always great.

[@rachelmedling8695]

Came back to this after finishing Jennette’s book. Love both of these women ❤

[@Peem_pom]

I feel like i heard more about Mayims life than Jenettes here, and I'm halfway through but i think I'll have to dip because I wanted to hear about Jenette

[@nurache]

I’m watching this and the podcast for the first and can’t help noting this is how archetypes podcast wished it could do. Fabulous! This just made me love you 😘

[@melrox8809]

I'm glad your talking to Jennette. I've been following her story. She's a lovely woman.

[@TheBostonYanks]

Following her story since when?

[@CosplayZine]

@@TheBostonYanks Do you consider it self gratification or vindication or both during your constant efforts of trying so hard to get others to think and feel the way you do about something?

[@TheBostonYanks]

@@CosplayZine ok so who are you is my question and why do you follow me that closely? And no its not about trying to get people to feel or think the way I do. Its about letting people in on things i know that they dont. Im like this at work too. We have idiots that talk back and forth in confusion about where something goes and I have to help and tell them where it goes. It pisses me off that people blindly think for sure shes what they think she is without knowing as much as me. Its like me betting on who is going to win the supper bowl when I rarely watch football. Its like giving someone financial advice when you are in debt its not credible. Its one thing if someone is like she seems nice because I agree with that but when they make these blind statements based on what her videos from the last year? It makes me pissed off since I wouldn't make statements about someone I only followed for a year and not even that closely.

[@CosplayZine]

@@TheBostonYanks So I guess the question I have with that statement is, how do you define a person? By their response to a single post or by a professional or personal relationship with them? It seems like you're upset because she spoke up for her self when her work was being bashed at the time. Do you feel like if you went through each and every comment to express your feelings about her or give your opinion on who she really is as a person that it would be productive? Because I can assure you, it won't wavier people's perception. People tend to want to judge people for their self. You're in the comment section being the judge and jury for cancel culture and yet admiring her impressions and such in the next. Usually if someone doesn't like someone they simply don't listen or seek out everything they do..So if you like her at some level, why not show/have a little forgiveness or compassion on some of her faults and stop debating if she's this picture perfect person that you have in your head. I don't think she's portraying to be anything more than she is, so why spend your precious time tell others otherwise?

[@TheBostonYanks]

@@CosplayZine ok theres some things we both are unclear of here. First off she bashed her own work and I stood up for the person she was shamming for their likes because dissing someone else's likes is wrong like you can say i hated the show but if you say I like strong independent woman (the film Jenn made) then it would be wrong of me to say I feel sorry for you. So what you are unclear on is that you dont think that I never liked or was proud of anything Jennette said or did. Ive said things I was proud about. Just today I said I was proud that she was able to admit that she doesnt value charity even tho she put it in her "values packet" shes selling for 5 dollars but admitting the truth is a good first step and im proud of her. I know she has many issues and I've tried to explain to her what she needs to work on so people dont want to break friendships with her like my friend did. And she just blocks me because she hates me. I know her issues well because my father has the same issues but Jenn is further along in over coming them because shes aware of a lot of them and im proud of her for that. She just needs to work on them some more and learn how to feel for others properly. She cant handle emotions so she either is over emotional or she has no empathy for others. She cant individually help someone as far as I know. Someone told me she does but im assuming its because they pay her monthly and she feels she has to or its because she doesnt care about them. They are just a source of money to her and a cult she can manipulate which made me lose 2 friends because she made things up about me like her mother did to convince her church that Jenn playing a child prostitute was a good thing. I have a few friends in the fan group that will back me up on this. Shes a lot like her mother and her grandmother is sort of like her too. But I dont blame her for that I just wish she was as nice as people think she is. And I hope one day she can get to a place where shes the person she wants to be because I know she wants to be empathetic and not yet angry all the time and all these things because shes said she wants to. So i feel bad and I want her to get better but at the same time I remember how she treated me, my friends, and how she stole my money and 2 of my friends even tho one really sucked as a person the other one I miss talking to. So its mixed feelings because its anger about someone I loved for years. And she hates me because I told fans things like miranda and Jennette played nintendo one day because fans thought they werent friends anymore. And scott and Bev blocked me because a "fan" screenshot my comment and reposted it tagging Jenn so Jenn would get mad and yell at Bev. Also my time isnt precious because I dont live a fulfilling life really. Im not a happy person so I get her anger and I get her rudeness but if I had a fan I wouldn't diss their likes.

[@TheDiva143m]

Thank you!!! I’ve been bulimic for over 18 years and had an ED for over 30 years and what you described as financial anorexia is the story of my life! I can’t take things ending. I can’t handle it. Even a lotion I bought! Your podcast has been a game changer for me, someone in medical school and with a psychology degree and yet never heard any of this and it is all making sense! I’d love if you’d do a show focused on what has worked specifically for you based on your issues. 👌🏻❣️❣️

[@julierivera6835]

Can you bring her back again now that is been a year? Would love to know how she is doing but on your channel. I love how you both have a conversation and doesn’t feel like interviewing. Iam happy I found this channel! So informative!!! Thank you! 💛

[@EricaGamet]

Now that her book came out, I just saw her on Drew Barrymore's show and it was a great conversation, too!

[@theologytherapist]

I really admire Jennette's courage for sharing her story and so openly!

[@MrChrisbtacos]

30:46 Jennette: "I hope everyone will go back and re-listen to that, and save that" ....... OMG she says this just after I got done pausing, so I can write down what Mayim said. LOL. It really was spot on!

[@hulainwa]

I think it is very healing that we can laugh or find humor is the way we cope. Jennete and Mayim Laugh and cry about their life. Ladies thank you!!

[@koraldavis3474]

She seems like a sweet spirited soul ❤️

[@Helen_Magnus_]

I was 22 at university, deeply depressed talking to a therapist. I drew a self-portrait one day. It was a simple drawing of a woman with no face. Instead, there was a giant red question mark. I had no identity of my own (outside my parent's goals for me).

[@louisawood9967]

I love that we can access such quality content so freely. Thank you so much for making these!

[@tuneinwithtj2500]

This was a little hard for me to listen to. I relate in some ways I didn't expect.

[@heidisegelke6243]

You guys…this podcast means so much to me-you don’t know. Thank you.

[@maileseekingmagic]

I didn't realize that a lot of the journaling I do seems like the DBT work she mentioned. While working on my codependency and doing some serious identity reflection I made a list of 100 things that make me happy, I love doing, and enjoy. I had to keep removing things because I realized that a lot of what I was putting down was based on wanting to be liked by certain people, influenced by what I saw on social media, ect. With each item I literally had to ask myself, "If I was alone, could tell no one that I did this, or never post about it would I still do this and would it make me happy?"

[@NephelkaIndica]

“We live inside our disease” Never felt more seen 💯

[@samanthaworkman9994]

Listening to this Podcast really helps me through the day.

[@tropicalladyj8033]

Mayim laughing like crazy is endearing and comforting 😆

[@nataliesirota2611]

This was another awesome program. Thank you Jennette and Mayim for opening up and being so candid! I can relate so very much. Few words, other than thank you!

[@KristinM626]

Listened this morning & really enjoyed it. I love that you’re having guests I wouldn’t even think of being ones that I might enjoy listening to.

[@annie1671]

I learn so much from you Mayim! Thank you for everything you share ❤

[@smalls9852]

I really appreciate this conversation, especially about being honest with yourself and your goals. It took a long time for me to realize this, but I have been grateful ever since.

[@mrswhite645]

We should also acknowledge that the "ideal" body type is fluid depending on the decade. In the 90's, I was chubby for looking more like Jenna Von Oy than Kate Moss.

[@pricetaylor93]

I'm so happy you two do this podcast. It really opens up my eyes to what it's like behind the scenes for actors. It's hard to remember sometimes that famous people are just regular people too

[@PixelHippie]

This conversation is everything. Thank you both.

[@citrusreticulata5949]

Taking notes throughout this whole episode! I can relate to so many of your stories on a personal level, thank you for helping me put words to my own experiences

[@malik57981]

Loved hearing this conversation!

[@juliebaird4539]

Great episode! Mayim this kind of a work really suits you. Best to Jennette.

[@JamesZackJohnston]

This is a really great episode! I enjoy how respectful you are to your guests. Love you both!

[@Ann-fn7vz]

I feel like I just got a little therapy session listening to this. You are awesome Mayim!

[@Airbaggeneration]

I just finished your book Jennette and I can so relate! My mother is very toxic and I cut contact with her 14 years ago. The best decision of my life.

[@marythomson4117]

Yup another deeply thought provoking episode. A lot to unpack here. Thank you as always!! ❤️

[@ParisGappmayr]

Really loved this episode! Thank you for this thoughtful and insightful discussion

[@devernepersonal3636]

also the energy between you and Jennette and even Jonathan in this one is not to be overlooked. its very special.

[@bobbiek1976]

Can I just state I’m so glad you and Jonathan started this podcast. I’m happy I found it and so glad you had Jennette McCurdy as a guest. Great messages where received today 🧡

[@crazy4orlando2]

Imagine an interview with Myaim, Jennette and Bitney Spears. I know Brittany is high profile and would be more likely to talk to Oprah but the depth and sensitivity they could get to would be so amazing to see. The shared experience in the industry and how they coped with abuse and self Imagine and seth worth. Oprah could never.

[@nicholasluigi2719]

I'd watch that.

[@leahhberg]

Such a great episode! I love hearing both of them relate and reflect on shared experience.

[@sarahyoungblood654]

What an incredibly unique perspective. Thinking back to so many things we face throughout our youth, but are only able to fully understand as adults. I’m really enjoying these podcast, this one I believe is my favorite to date.

[@MrWeatherguy90]

I loved watching this! Jennette and her story has always fascinated me. Mayim is so fun to watch. I feel like her and I would have a great time together just hanging out.

[@mahaM19911]

I LITERALLY JUST LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF! THANK YOU!!! ❤

[@crisfd7203]

You are just fantastic, Mayim. Thank you for this podcast!

[@blindvisionary415]

Thanks for the show, learn a lot every episode. Some even hit close to home, and allow me to see things in a different light. Keep up the great work!!!