Why healthy relationships seem BORING when you’ve been fed toxic love all your life.

[@ruthiemenzies6956]

I think people think the relationship itself is meant to be the adventure with all of the ups and downs generating thrills but actually once your in a stable relationship where you both feel safe then your can both make LIFE the adventure and have someone at your back and on your team to do the SCARY things in life WITH. The drama and excitement doesn’t need to come from the threat of your relationship ending, the excitement can come from doing new things and facing new challenges together or supporting each other take on their own challenges. But we don’t see that in film very much for women, lots of her supporting the man live out his exciting life but not much the other way around.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

I adore this comment so much 💖

[@ambermaggi1446]

My perspective on dating changed when I realized that I get to choose the father of my children. That notion changed everything for me!

[@marianapagan7067]

This is why I love the guys at Cinema Therapy. Cuz they teach why some movie romances are really toxic and what people should actually look for in a relationship. I think because of the high divorce or family abuse rates in families, people looked to the tv to seek what they wanted in a relationship because they don't have examples of good relationships in front of them. And people like Cinema Therapy address why many of these TV romances are not good at all.

[@D.C.626]

Omg Cinema Therapy is a recent discovery for me, and as a psych student and movie lover, its honestly heaven!

[@Safi-Dee]

They're the BEST!

[@seabreeze4559]

Just stuff like lovebombing but they tend to blame women for the feelings of men like their misread of Devil Wears Prada.

[@crisscorreag]

Cinema Therapy is the bees knees!

[@hannasophia18]

A friend asked me recently how much time my spouse and I spend together. We live together but we're both autistic so we need a lot of alone time so my answer was ''actually not a lot'' but talking about it I realised that the time we do spend together is just so good in a very boring way. In past relationships I loved fighting with a partner, feeling like it made us communicate better lol. One of the best memories I have with my spouse is us in a car together for 5 hours driving the british countryside. Extremely boring, but very happy.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

🥹❤️‍🔥 picturing that car journey and beaming

[@rribbonss]

The thing about fighting making people communicate better is a really good point though. Something I’ve always said in healthy relationships is like. don’t be afraid to confront me for little things. Don’t wait for the frustrations to build up into something bigger. Just bring it up, talk it through, the problems get so much smaller when you communicate and then we can figure out a solution so it doesn’t keep happening! Or even if the behaviour that was causing frustration isn’t something that can be changed, just understanding the reason for it can make it less frustrating and we can figure out ways around it! You don’t need to be in a fight and listing our all your frustrations in order to communicate that there’s a problem.

[@Anna19093]

@@rribbonssYes, you have a great point. No relationship is perfect and everyone gets into fights. It’s normal. But there’s a difference between the occasional butting of heads and getting into screaming matches multiple times a week. I also agree that if my partner has a problem I want them to come to me and not be afraid to speak their mind. But (unless there’s a damn good reason) I’m not gonna tolerate you screaming at me either.

[@dagmarschonova9746]

After a lot of toxic and violent relationships I just wanted boring one. No drama, no fights just something permanent and healthly. I have it and we are now expecting second child, I am so happy. But it was a lot of work for me, lot of therapy and realize that I am worthy of this.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

😭😭👏🏻❤️‍🔥

[@EyeGlassTrainofMind]

Only a few minutes into this video I paused it to call my partner of nearly 3 years to check in and talk about how our days went (we live apart for financial reasons but also because we're not inclined to rush into cohabitation as 2 introverts). What resulted was a delightful conversation about food and friendship. So thank you, Melanie, for making this video because you inspired me to appreciate that I am in a beautifully non dramatic and supportive relationship. ❤

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

🥹❤️‍🔥 I teared up reading this. Love this silly website xx

[@farrahaliceblack7453]

Me and my partner were having dinner with his brother and sister-in-law the other day and they asked if we ever fight. We thought about it, and were both like well no? But not because there are no issues. But we have no reason to scream and shout at each other when issues do come up- we can talk them through, have some quiet time apart if we really need to ir if we just need a minute to collect our thoughts before talking it through. They said they're the same, none of us can fathom the idea of couples yelling at each other so this old school TV/film depiction of married couples fighting and bitching about "the old ball and chain" to their friends... yeah, no thanks. I think younger generations are really changing the game for what healthy relationships really look like, and the divorce rate lowering shows that. No more normalising hating your partner! Woo!!

[@bettinak.4]

Same.❤

[@elizaveta_youtube]

I agree that people should try to stay calm and level-headed at all times, but sometimes there's so much frustration when your closest person doesn't get you that one can lose control. Now, I don't mean yelling at people you love, but heated conversations or tears do happen, and that is also ok. We absolutely shouldn't normalize hating your partner, nor should we shame the couples who can't always stay calm.

[@bettinak.4]

@@elizaveta_youtube of course, no shaming here. But having some time alone helps a lot when there are intense emotions. Sometimes I need days before I can talk about something without tears, especially now being pregnant. 😀

[@farrahaliceblack7453]

@@bettinak.4 Yeah absolutely this! It doesn't help that I am someone who does just cry at EVERYTHING so sometimes when me and my partner do have to have difficult conversations if I start crying, I always make a point of saying "this isn't because of you, it's just happening because 🤷‍♀️" so he knows he didn't make me cry, I'm not so upset with him that I'm crying, sometimes feelings just get very big and burst out my face 😅 but if ever I did feel very upset or angry with him, always take the time apart to cool down first. There's just nothing constructive that's going to come from that place, and the point is always to find a solution to the problem together not to prove the other person wrong ❤️

[@milycurrently]

Melanie, please start a podcast. Oh my gosh, I would give so much to just have you chatting away in my ears all day about all sorts of enlightening topics such as this one. You’re just wonderful and such a pleasure to listen to. Your insights and perspectives always speak to my little soul. 💚

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

🥹🥹🥹❤️‍🔥

[@Supercell33294]

PHEW now THIS is what I needed to hear. My partner and I have had issues and ended the relationship a couple months back. We’re recently together again and I find myself daydreaming about celebrities. But when I tell you this person is amazing to me and gives me that boring but secure feeling…which is why I feel safe enough to fantasize..I know I’m chasing a high. I know I want excitement and confusion and those butterflies you get when things are new. Part of me doesn’t WANT security, in a way I want to live a life filled with passion and excitement. But in my soul I know it’s not what I need. Also, even if I did get with someone new it’s only a matter of time before I get the ick for them too if I don’t address the root cause.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

This this this! 👏🏻👏🏻

[@surlespasdondine]

Yes! Whenever I have a friend tell me about their relationship drama, cheating etc I go to my husband and tell him how grateful I am to have such a wonderful "boring" life with him. I still get butterflies (the good kind, not anxiety) after 15 years but it's so calm and peaceful compared to what you see in movies.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

It’s wild to learn what butterflies feel like when it’s NOT from anxiety 😂😭💖💖💖

[@CatterinaPoe]

Been there 😅 What helped me was 4 years of being single and slowly shaking off the last spectacular disaster. Met my soon to be husband on a sailing trip. Dumped him cause boring. He respectfully kept in touch. Gave it another go two years later. Best thing that ever happened to me 😊 I remember thinking, after I broke it off, that I would genuinely recommend him as a partner to any of my dearest friends. Like, he's amazing just not for me cause I need the crazy and the electric. That should have been a clue 😅 I'm happily childfree so I can't imagine what relationship I'd want for my kids but if you find yourself thinking of a person as someone your best friend would be lucky to have - give them a shot.

[@Bill.C.49]

You explained well what your therapist would call 'repetition compulsion' and 'symptom substitution.' Trying to rewrite your childhood, and needs that weren't met doing so through a romantic partner.

[@eve4xo]

I feel like I'm the opposite, maybe I need to be studied. Any signs of toxicity turns me off and watching that in movies just gives me anxiety/makes me mad and stop watching lol. If any guy pulled the BS some movie men do, they'd be out the door, and those movie girls deserve better 😭

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 wish you could bottle brain cells and sell them! 😂 so us damaged souls could have some transplants and ‘get there’ without spending a fortune on therapy!

[@Emma-nl5wk]

Omg me too! I was literally going down into the comments to write something like that. One of my biggest pet-peeves in shows/movies is when there's a problem which could easily have been avoided by the characters just talking to one another - it's so frustrating 😂I crave the simplicity and boringness and tenderness of healthy long-term relationships being displayed in movies and TV-shows!

[@Anna19093]

Same! My biggest pet peeve is when fellow Gilmore Girls fans seam to turn a blind eye to all the crap (spoilers up ahead) Jess did! Non of her boyfriends were perfect, they all did terrible things let’s be honest. But Jess was by far the worst! I knew that at 10 years old!😂 To me, Rory was more like a fantasy to him. When it came to actually stepping up and being the boyfriend he was supposed to be he’d just storm off and throw tantrums. Not to mention the fact that he literally tried to pressure her and then got pissed off when she didn’t want to sleep with him. I get by the end of the series he grew and acknowledged his mistakes and genuinely wanted to change. But to me there’s just some things you can’t get past. To me it’s very telling when someone isn’t willing to change while they are with you but decide to change once they can’t have you.

[@Thehennies]

How did you become this.. I hope my daughter is like this ❤

[@lisasusanna7896]

Gosh, this video popped up just in time... I am in the longest relationship I have ever been. We've been together for almost 5 years and are talking about buying a flat and starting a family. And I am scared sh*tless, because I have no idea how to "properly" navigate a healthy relationship. I never know if I do everything right, if the relationship is boring or if it is just peace I finally feel. I self-sabotage a lot and I am really working hard on my inner demons. This video was really helpful with helping me with that.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Ohhh that’s so great to hear! 🥹❤️‍🔥 I have a video about anxious attachment style, not sure if that’s you but you MIGHT get something out of that! Xxx

[@p.s.itsaudrey]

Thank you for mentioning the comfort shows! Sometimes I feel really alone in my dislike in watching new things (or rather, an aversion to frequently watching new films or shows) but you absolutely nailed it when you said it is calming especially for us anxious folks. I feel some measure of control and safety in films that bring me joy! Excellent video as always

[@molly2642]

This is literally the perfect timing. I came out of a relationship of a year where the highs seemed SO high because the lows were so incredibly low and I knew, and he knew, I was too good for him. Now I'm speaking to someone who is perfect for me and it is terrifying. Our brains sabotage us to think that because something is so good and simple it can't be real but also makes us question if we will still feel the highs so good. In reality when you're in something truly healthy for both sides most of it is linear while the highs are still incredible once you give yourself permission to be at peace for the majority and to actually allow yourself to to feel safe. That beats having extreme lows and extreme highs because love should be mostly good with a few bumps in the road, not mostly bad with a few happy moments here and there that you cling onto because you have been deprived of it while you gave so much of your love to away.

[@annaj3170]

Melanie!! This healed something in me. This makes me feel much less alone and regretful and broken. People don't talk about this enough!

[@pragyasingh2297]

I love hearing your thoughts bc it always opens me up to a new perspective ❤ I’ve never had a steady relationship that’s “boring” and people hardly ever stick around in my life, so I’d personally really appreciate healthy love.

[@tamaraj8214]

Okay, I am 8 minutes in this video, but I will watch it till the end, but I have to say this: i am 23 years old girl, I am currently in a realtionship with a wonderful guy, we have beeen together for a year and a half, we have a very healthy relationship. I have never been in a toxic relationship but used to have a toxic female friend for 5 years therefore I kinda understand toxic relationships (i personally view friendships and relationships as something similar) also I have an unhealthy relationship with my family therefore I know what toxic feels like. Before I commited to my partner, I knew the relationship would be boring but I willingly chose that because I wanted love that is peaceful. No rollercoasters of emotions, no fights, just peace. Yes it does seem boring, but it feels wonderful and I wouldn't change for anything

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻❤️❤️❤️

[@brihannonstrathern8801]

There is deffo a lot of confusion surrounding boring. And like people 'settleing' and being 'content' like people think those are all negative words but like I can't wait to wake up everyday knowing that I'm gonna be treat the exact same way as I was yesterday and I'll be treat like that again for the reat of my tomorrows. I can't wait to settle for the type of love I've always wanted for myself. I can't wait to feel content

[@seabreeze4559]

settling is good, settling FOR- is bad. HUGE linguistic distinction. Settling WITH the one v SETTLING for who's available.

[@Amandala_yoga]

This hits the nail on the head. I couldn't agree more with you. I'm with my partner 7 years now and was only ever in toxic relationships before that. Always chasing the drama and rejecting and stability. I have to check in with myself regularly when I feel our relationship is lacking something. It's generally me expecting old behaviours to be at play, but we're so beyond that. It's boring at times, but I wouldn't change it for that old rush and high I used to chase. It was never real, but this is ❤ Beautiful video Melanie. Thank you for sharing

[@dmn4747]

All this obsessive love is so toxic. I knew my husband was the one bc I didn’t feel like I couldn’t live without him. But I knew I didn’t want to live without him. It was so…..calm. He just felt like home. But a safer home than I’d ever had. If people want passion and butterflies that’s fine but then you can’t have both. Butterflies cannot last because of biology. And that’s ok. Because that was a BLAST…..but this is better. Knowing I am known is deeper and better. A spouse who sees I am tired and just says I’ll make you an Omelett isn’t exciting, but it’s LOVE. And to be known like that is incredible.

[@lauriewromar5478]

Singing Mummy Pig at the end. Classic. My husband and I have been together since 1999 We were passionately mad about one another. Became raging heroine addicts together, kicked that, then became raging alcoholics together. Then quit the bottle and got into fly fishing, bird watching, camping etc. Somewhere along the way we got married. I’ts all fallen apart for us, and all come together again for us several times over the decades. We’ve never been what I’d consider ‘fully functioning adults’ like I’d imagined. Yet our love for each other, our commitment to each other and our friendship is the most consistent ‘feeling’ I’ve had in my adult life. We’ve done it all together. Now we’ve got a 3 year old. I’ll be nearly 60 when she finishes highschool. My husband will be over 60. Life with a baby is so different, yet so the same. Having so much of our history already behind us, prior to her existence is not the average scenario to starting a family. I can’t wait to one day share with our daughter all the life that was lived between her father and I before she came along. It’s quite a history. And quite a story. Marriage, partnership, love, whatever you want to call it, can be crazy at times, and blissfully routine sometimes. The crazy always looks different in retrospect. We’re lucky when we get the routine, consistent days of stability. It’s a beautiful thing.

[@santao1560]

Than you for this video Melanie, I completely relate! Me and my amazing boyfriend have been going out for ~9 months, and in the beginning stages I nearly ended it multiple times because my brain was like "No there's too many boring moments, you must be incompatible" or I would create problems out of the tiniest things he said, even if i KNOW he didn't mean them in that negative light. It's been rough to rewire my brain, but oh how rewarding. :)

[@annika_27]

I totally relate! My boyfriend is the emotional stable partner that I needed so much, coming from a difficult childhood. Even though, like you, I almost ended the relationship a few times (now in hindsight it’s also partly because I simply didn’t know better back then) he stuck by my side. He accepted me fully for who I am, accepted I have a lot of emotional baggage and instead of running away from me, he chose to be with me through it all. I have matured so much emotionally through and because of him that I can with no doubt say he makes me a better person every day. We have been living together for 2 1/2 years now, been dating for almost 7 years and it surely looks boring from the outside looking in, but only us two know better ❤

[@georginachard8604]

I saw somewhere online, ask yourself, if someone said you remind them of your partner, would that be a compliment?

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Oh. Oh damn. That is SO GOOD!

[@MRJarwson]

People always joke that my husband and I are a boring married couple, and to me that is the best compliment. Love this video topic, more people need to know!!

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

The best compliment for sure! People tend to project, I know I did…my ex’s partners were in stable relationships with lovely people and the pair of us would be like ‘us!? Never! Never will we be like THEM’ lol yeah as IF being in OUR relationship was better! 😅 Fuck sake. The judgement can come from fear - fear of the thought of facing the choices you yourself have made

[@thecityofangels.]

Always choose the Stefan and not the Damon ladies ✨ I've always been drawn to guys who were caring, protective without being possessive, and respectufu, too bad I didn't meet many - they were either with someone else or we always remained just friends :( I still hope I get to meet more but I'm really losing hope here

[@meghanmagowan2101]

I realized that I felt so hard to love (because of my past experiences) that when someone just absolutely loved me and treated me well, it was hard to feel like it wasn't fake and like I couldn't trust it... like it should be a struggle to therefore be authentic.

[@peachylu]

melanie, thank you so much for this video. it has given me clarity in a way i didnt know i needed. it was definitely devine timing seeing this, as i’m just coming out of an emotionally unstable and toxic relationship (my first one in 6 years) and really needed a message to tell me not to go back to him, no matter how much he begged or said he would change after treating me badly for 9 months. thanks to you, this really has helped me see clearly! sending so much love to you and your family 🩷

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

😭😭😭😭😭 feels wonderful to be able to make some ripples simply by opening up…sending so much love! 💖

[@D.C.626]

It's a bit of a read, but be patient with me - I'm baring my soul here:💚 I'm 31, and have never dated. Not that that was necessarily a conscious choice over the years. I was a shy studious teenager, and boy-girl dating dynamics were what you'd see in a typical teen movie at my school (ie. Dramatic, fighting, and almost always involving sex). While curious about sex (I was mad about sexy historical romances at this age), I had no wish to date because of much of the hurt I'd witnessed others experience when sex came to play in a relationship with little to no foundation. Come to my 20s, doing the university thing (going on 12 years now), never been a social drinker and preferring to cozy up with a book or film, or take in a theatre show, I wasn't exactly spoiled for choice when it came to peers who shared my interests. I suppose I feel that my current place in life (still in school, living with my parents, not currently employed, can't drive - though just got my learner's) is an "obstacle" when it comes to dating. While over the years I feel I've developed a good sense of who I am and what I want for my future, how to communicate effectively, and how to be a good friend/ team-player, I feel that my "obstacles" limit what I can contribute to a relationship. Add to this how uncommon it is to reach my age and not have engaged sexually with anyone (especially if it's not due to a faith-based reason). Perhaps I'm a little old fashioned, but I want to be in LOVE with the person I sleep with. And I have never been in love. I've never experienced wanting more than casual friendship with guys I've met so far (not even old crushes, I realized much later I barely knew them personally and moreso admired qualities they had). What so many people lament about "boring" relationships is exactly what I crave! I want my partner to be my best friend, to make me laugh, to be the place I feel comfortable being my wierdest, who wants the same things, wants to work toward that future together, who I can look over at the other end of the sofa and smile at because I'm just so damn blessed that they want to be here as much as I do. So the words "I love you" will never be something I say to a partner lightly (and I'd actually prefer to say and feel it first as it would take a lot of pressure off 😅). I LOVE YOU doesn't just mean "I really like you", or "I find you sexually attractive". To me, it means "I think you're extraordinary. That I don't care what you have, but I love who you are. It means I TRUST you. It means I see my future with you". Melanie, I've watched your channel almost since the beginning, and I've never seen you happier than when Thomas came back into your life. The way you talk about each other, celebrate each other, make fun of each other, support each other, to me it's the stuff of movies and stories (one I'd definitely watch and read). I love seeing people in strong loving relationships - the sunny heart squeeze moments when couples share a cheeky grin, or my dad comes to cuddle and kiss my mum. I so deeply admire your relationship and all the work you've put in to get to where you are. And though we've only met briefly a few times, the sense of who you are has always been the soul of your videos, so I can honestly say I know no one more deserving of the happiness you have found with each other and your young family. Thank you for always being so vulnerable and honest, so warm and funny. You've positively impacted my life in more ways than you will ever know 💚

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Aaaaand I’m crying into my coffee! 😭💚 Thank you so much for sharing! Xxxxxxx

[@TeegsKJ]

A moment of appreciation for the top! It’s lovely! This is a great video, I think when someone is serious there’s no games there’s no bullshit. There’s just two people who know what they want and I honestly find it much more refreshing than the narrative we’re fed in books and movies. I’m glad that my husband and I can demonstrate what a healthy, loving relationship looks like to my son. I didn’t really date much at all before I met my husband, when I was 26…I wish I spent all that time not feeling insecure about people ‘not wanting to date me’ and interpreted it for what it actually was which was ‘I don’t want to play games - I just want someone who’ll treat me right’. I feel lucky that I was able to skip all that uncertainty.

[@Satsukii98]

Thank you so much for your videos about attachement styles and relationships. I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm learning to unpack all of this. Your videos feel like I'm talking to my auntie. I feel seen and heard. Thank you for creating this safe space for your viewers. You're the best! Lots of love from France.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Such a beautiful encouraging comment! Sending you so much love! 💖💖💖

[@vernamckinnon129]

One of my favorite movie relationships is Evie and Rick frm The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. They are goals! I prefer to see these couples band together against adversity in the story. They do not fall apart. They are together. They still had chemistry. They are exciting characters because their foundation was more than just them falling in love. The rule that once they marry the excitment is done is bull. Also if you are a fan of old films (I am talking 30's & 40's) the banter of opposites who fall in love was never toxic the way they are now. Now it is a lot of harsh extremes. Yet they fall in love???? The Ugly Truth is an example. Did a man conceive that one? ugh.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Ugh YES I loveee them! Absolutely goals! ❤

[@eleanorhenderson9896]

I feel this so much - you’re in love with the potential the person / relationship has, not their reality. And yes yes yes to the trying to redo trauma from your childhood. It’s why so many people end up in situations similar to their parents. They try to avoid it and ‘fix things’ but they end up repeating patterns

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

This. When you read into the psychology, the evidence of how common it is…it’s fascinating and heartbreaking. Makes me so aware of how important it is to work on our relationship all the time to ensure its health - our kids will model that when they are older! We had a period of bickering a lot after my daughter went through the 4 month sleep regression (we were exhausted) so we had to have a biggg talk and we laid down new rules of communication for when we’re around the kids! Sometimes we slip but it was a really important step xx

[@eleanorhenderson9896]

@@melaniemurphyofficial Honestly well done to you guys! So many people don’t think about what their bickering does to their kids and aren’t willing to put in the work as a couple to correct behaviour. The fact you’re so conscious of it already puts you ahead of so many other parents. You are also lucky though, to have a partner that’s willing to put in the work with you. I see so often that one parent is conscious of this and wants to put in the work and the other one just doesn’t care. I don’t have kids yet but my partner and I are already trying so hard to form habits and discuss patterns we don’t like so that we’re able to set a good example for our kids. I’m very aware how lucky I am to have a partner that’s willing to do that with me though. Truly adds meaning to the word ‘partner’. I hope you’re well Melanie! You’re so wonderful, I love the angle your channel has taken lately!

[@jadoreux]

I love this so much! I think for me I'm so used to feeling like I'm putting 3 fires out at once that when the opportunity to sit in peace came up it just felt wrong. I had to really sit with it and think boredom in a relationship doesn't have to be a negative. For me, boredom in my relationship means there are no external stressors making me "aware" of the relationship (the extreme highs and lows), but now we're in a good point where we need to take the time to bring our attention to our relationship instead. And that is something special! Something that my partner and I can do together as a loving couple. I find this is even more true now we have young children, we need to be reminded to take that time to be present in the moment and enjoy our "boring" little life together. It's not boring, it's comfortable. If I can sit the same way with my partner as I do by myself and not feel on edge, fearful, but just feel like myself, we're on to a winner. Even if it feels boring sometimes!

[@tvbrain22]

There ARE most definitely sweet moments in unhealthy relationships, because that is what we grasp onto for dear life, to hold us over between the toxicity. "oh well there is some good in them because of that time we had".

[@anabluu]

My struggle for the last decade is actually being the person that has a secure attachment style , and constantly dating people who are anxious. They require so much effort from me to reaffirm them emotionally, that I give up after a few months. I want to be comfortable, bored , content, but they end up picking fights and wanting drama and huge poetic declarations of love after some weeks that are just not me.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Yup I say this with zero sarcasm - we can be unbearable. It takes a lot of patience and blind faith as ultimately Thomas didn’t KNOW I would be able to sort my shit (therapy and getting sober). He definitely would not have married me if I didn’t address my issues…I am really relieved he managed to stick it out through the fear. The fact that he was so stable meant that for all my (for lack of a better word’ ‘efforts’ the relationship never became toxic, it was just…a girl essentially fighting with herself while a nice guy watched on and tried to give her the space she needed to return to baseline, over and over 😅 He didn’t engage with the dragon within me lol. I’m so sorry you have been in that position many times. You should absolutely seek out the same kind of partner I needed to seek out - someone without work to do, or someone who has already done the work! ❤️

[@May04bwu]

Not to be rude, just something to think about. My ex was also convinced he had secure attachment style, while he really had avoidant and I was anxious avoidant. He didn’t see his style and I didn’t see mine. So I just want to say this can happen. Anyway, personal acountability is what it comes down to, no matter the attachment style. It’s up to each of us to take responsibility for our action 100%.

[@anabluu]

@@May04bwu how can he have confused a secure attachment with an anxious one....? The anxious is always anxious that someone will leave them, it's right there in the name....

[@nihalhathaway4089]

I NEEDED THIS

[@thecranberrytruth6437]

Yes yes yes. This hits deep. During my 20's I was in and out of relationships, because it just got boring after few months and then I was bonding with some "bad guys" and letting my soul being destroyed like this...only after meeting my husband, finally...I got to know what love is, gentle, deep, in layers, caring, friendship, loyalty...and in the end it is not boring after all, we don't have children yet, so we have time to spend whole days on the weekend just talk to each other, but that alone is enough. I'm grateful for this and I wish anyone can feel what I feel.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

💖💖💖 my hearttt!

[@Rand22.2]

I remember watching your vlogs with him back in 2019; i was desperately in love love with someone i knew i should let go of but i just couldn’t because i was terrified of being sad forever after the breakup while also watching your videos gave me hope that maybe someday someone will love me back; so i went for it and that was the best decision of my life ; im 24 now but i definitely have much better understanding of what i want in life and trusting that love will find me at the right time just as i found your channel at the right time…. Surely i miss being in love i miss the glimpses as you described them with those i love but i keep reminding myself that i deserve real love… and i feel scared when i hear the word leaving …. Like for example my father is traveling right now for work and i keep worrying because when i go to the sitting room and his chair is empty its just makes me want to cry… even though he will be back next week … i want to be with someone who understands my needs for calmness reassurance and even boredom that i look for … because for me seeing someone i love everyday can never be boring just as seeing my dad being home every day is never a boring thing … its a blessing that i just cant ignore it …. I need someone who understands that his hug will never be a boring thing for but rather a powerful foundation for our love …. ❤️ thaanks melanie i truely love you ❤

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

😭😭 omg I love this so so so much! ❤️❤️❤️ (have you ever seen my video about separation anxiety!? I have struggled with that all my life, had it bad with my dad…now have it with my kids to an extreme level! Working on it! Stems from the divorce for sure) xxx

[@Rand22.2]

@@melaniemurphyofficial yeah and actually that video really touched me because i felt like finally not alone with this thing , my parents are togather but i just love his support to the point that im afraid of losing it . And yeah im doing my best to find solution for that

[@niamhay4122]

I can't tell you how much I needed this video at this specific moment in time - I relate so much! And I self sabotaged a lot with alcohol and almost lost my very healthy almost 5 year relationship - I'm trying to heal from this with therapy but this just gave me a whole new perspective thank you for sharing Melanie ❤️

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Ahh this comment made me smile so wide 💖

[@seedsandfishhooks]

I'm happy for you Melanie, truly.

[@caterinagentili1034]

Side note, those earrings look absolutely gorgeous on you, great pairing with the lipstick too

[@Silica-black]

i think there's * boring * in the sense that a person may not be an engaging or satisfactory partner (i.e., no common interests, incompatible intellectually) then there's ~boring~ in the sense that things are comfortable, reliable and stable.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Oh absolutely that’s why I mentioned confusing ‘boring’ with a lack of uncertainty and chaos…often, that’s what people mean by boring. But also, what others mean when they say ‘boring’ can be that they’re expecting too much from one person. It’s not my role in life to make sure Thomas has an exciting life and vice versa, we are each responsible for ourselves and for communicating the need for novelty…which we do! Each of us will say to the other when we want to mix things up, have new conversations watch new shows go to new restaurants etc etc but I think a big step for me was accepting our differences - example, I LOVE to have DEEP, longgg chats about a movie after watching it but Thomas just likes to move onto the next thing 😂 So I fulfil that need in other ways! I listen to reviews, I text friends…one person cannot wear every single hat if you get me. There are definitely core differences that can result in incompatibility but I don’t thing boringness comes into that equation because the most compatible couple will experience boring moments, days and weeks punctuated by excitement! Xx

[@Songbird-et5qt]

Thank you Melanie, I really resonated with this. Love how transparent you are and speak so eloquently on this subject. Undoing those core beliefs is work but it's so worth it!

[@fromlianawithlove4147]

ahhhhh I loved this video! Definitely a topic which I think needs to be spoken about more. I've been in a wonderful long-term relationship since I started university (coming up to 3 years) which I felt confused about at times, mostly at the start because it was SO healthy from the get go (my first relationship). Yes, we've had some moments like all couples do that are a bit more emotional and rocky (usually due to my PMS or alcohol...) but even then my boyfriend has such a secure attachment style and the fact that I myself like to talk about feelings etc that our 'conflict-resolution' and overall communication has always been good - obviously not perfect but a good place to start and build from. Now having experienced a healthy, loving, secure relationship in real life, movies and tv shows frustrate me to no end! Yes, they are entertaining and I love a rom-com but my god do I want to pull my hair out whilst shouting at the characters to communicate! But I feel sorry for my peers (and me before the relationship) that this whirlwind, rollercoaster, toxic, drama-filled portrayal of what a relationship is, is what's presented to us - how are we supposed to know what is acceptable or what real, sometimes 'boring' love is?

[@frenchibi]

I've been watching your videos since... I want to say 2017, 2018 maybe? and it's been so lovely to see your whole journey with your relationship through the snippets you've shared! (I was a big monthly vlogs enjoyer :D) Funnily enough, my own experience with my current partner mirrors yours a little - we were friends for 8 years before we (finally) got together, and he is the rock to my stormy sea, the exact kind of calm, securely-attached person I needed to let myself breathe and feel safe and loved. And our relationship, in which we are happy and fulfilled and we don't fight, is anything but boring to me - though to be fair, I've also never desired a relationship full of yelling and back-and-forth and drama. Still, I see these patterns in SO many people, and I think it's super important to talk about them! Great video, sending you & your family lots of love from Germany!

[@rachelpennington8091]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 15 months after meeting on bumble. I spent a few years dating before that - mixture of online and meeting through friends and had a few situationships. Whilst I had a great time with them I’d always get home and feel so confused and be crying because I didn’t know what was happening. I finally spent a bit of time figuring out what I wanted and being very clear with that when I went back to dating and promising myself I wouldn’t compromise on certain things. With my boyfriend I felt so comfortable with him from the start and never questioned things because we talked honestly about what we wanted. We’ve had to do things a bit long distance but we know it’s worth it. We’ve had disagreements but talked them through and constantly check in. Yes it may be boring in that there’s no drama and I’m not constantly crying on the phone to my sister but we’ve enjoyed plenty of adventures together as well as the mundane bits of life. He makes me feel safe and content and that’s exactly what I want.

[@hayley581]

Just watched this and you are my new favourite youtuber I can't believe I didn't know about your channel until now! You are so smart and I wish I lived in Ireland so we could be besties haha! I am trying to unlearn some of my dating habits and this helped me so much. Thank you:) -from Canada

[@TheDreamer1618]

I've tried everything: meeting people, dating apps, blind dates, etc. The closest I got was an engagement but he turned out to be hiding a lot of big stuff from me and lying to me so I ended it. I'm 29 and I've...not exactly given up? But I have no intentions of being in a relationship unless 1) they treat me then I treat me (which is a low bar lol), 2) they add more to my life then they take away (because I'm an introvert), and 3) they're securely attached (because I'm anxious and avoidant and working on being healthier). Besides all this....I have little hope of finding someone good for and to me. That's ok. I have my books and cat and nieces.

[@TheDreamer1618]

Better than I treat me*

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

I think your criteria = spot on 👏🏻 After toxic relationships it’s so important that we develop standards that we don’t budge on in order to break the cycle! ❤️‍🔥 I too became okay with the idea of not meeting the right person. You have to! We need to become happy and fulfilled by ourselves in order to attract the kind of person who will make our life even better. I firmly believe in becoming the kind of person you would wanna date yourself! That became my focus when I was single. I wanted to make my life calm, fun, inviting and it became so good that I was cool with being single, genuinely! 💖

[@Samalys71]

I never saw healthy relationships growing up and I thought verbal a*use and other awful things were normal. Now at 32 I'm finally with a good man ❤ and yes it is boring but I'm so in love with him 😊 so for all the toxic relationships recovery's reading it is possible!

[@TheEpicPlace]

Why not have both? ☺️ I often tell friends of mine, including myself, who have trauma that does make them drawn to really toxic patterns that you can role-play those turn on, and still get the benefit without it being your every day life and I know not everyone’s in the role-play that’s not the thing for everyone, but I would suggest for people to just can’t quit, someone being a bit mean to them being a bit possessive maybe try dating someone who gets turned on by treating you like that in the bedroom consensually but then immediately can return to that healthy wonderful person in real life. ❤❤❤

[@yiyangremus]

As an 18 year old, I have to thank you so much for this video! It's really put things into perspective for me and while I think part of being a teenager/young adult is going through experiences to reach conclusions, I think everyone should still be taught these things at my age :) 💕 wishing you and your husband all the happiness!!

[@brihannonstrathern8801]

Is it because of the traumatic ways in which relationships are displayed in the media? Particularly films - they meet and initially hate each other, end up falling in love, one of them betrays the others trust but then wins them back with some kind of grand gesture. What an accurate representation media, great job 👍

[@emmanobbs6527]

Thank you Melanie❤️ I love this and I feel this and I am so grateful you express this so that others can hear.

[@roxanacardenas5284]

This is exactly what I needed!! Thanks Melanie for sharing your thoughts on this💚

[@fruityeva]

Great video☺️🫶🏻 I struggle a bit with this. I grew up in a narcissistic family with a lot of chaos. Now I’m in a healthy relationship with a guy and I really have to do my best not to create chaos or sabotage it.💛

[@imani5020]

Loved this video, thank you for sharing!

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

You are so welcome! 🥰

[@pankreas2195]

Seems like so many people don't know what real love actually is and keep seeking the thrill of passion which is finite unless you go out of your way to create drama in your relationship "to keep it interesting". I grew up knowing real love looks boring but worth it because my parents set a great example. Now I'm in an amazing relationship that absolutely looks and feels "boring" and I couldn't be happier because real long-lasting love isn't passionate and that's ok. Many people just don't want to grow up and face that reality.

[@pippabolton7837]

I can definitely relate to watching Harry Potter and Lord of the rings when I'm anxious! This video spoke so much to me as I've finally found a relationship that I'm comfortable in and I feel secure ❤

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

❤️❤️❤️ life twins! Feels gooooood doesn’t it 🥹

[@brihannonstrathern8801]

I genuinely, seriously a million percent believe that he will find me one day. I just need to be in places that he can see me

[@Thehennies]

God bless the men who stay on the journey with us whilst we work this out 😂

[@soloughlin11]

I see this in phantom of the opera. Why can’t I like secure, calm Roul but I find phantom’s fiery outbursts, bossy demands, controlling habits so exciting

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Yes! When I was a teen I had such a horn for phantom and Raul made my skin crawl 😂 After years of therapy it’s the other way around!

[@hannahbradshaw2186]

27 and never been in a relationship. The apps are horrendous and incel culture is on the rise. I genuinely think I'll be single forever.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Incel culture 😣😣 Unfortunately I experience a fair bit of that via instagram dms…liberally blocking is all that keeps me sane! They find me through movie related reels and spew their bullshit and I feel sorry for a lot of them but some of them are very stalkerish! One in particular who bombarded me and my friend Hannah Witton, unbelievable. The thought of being on apps with lots of guys like him…ugh I can imagine how hard it must be to find someone. But I promise, promise there are great eggs out there! It can be really intimidating to approach people in public spaces, I recall that from when I was single. Fancied someone who worked in a bookshop and couldn’t bring myself to just be like ‘wanna get coffee!?’ I was terrified he’d be like ‘eh I have a girlfriend I live with her’ 😂😣 Have you tried joining any local groups? In your community?

[@surlespasdondine]

When I was exactly your age I met my husband. There were no apps but dating websites. We met on one and it was an amazing way to get to know someone by writing back and forth and connecting and then meeting in person. This was 15 years ago, wonder if those more serious websites still exist.

[@maja8453]

Love these honest chats ❤ My comfort zone 😍

[@bm5_5_5]

I thought I wanted the notebook romance before I experienced it. Now I can’t think of anything worse. Obsession is not love.

[@lollsazz]

I'm not a boring person, but of course: if someone just saw the mundane parts of my relationship, it would look boring. However, I'm NOT boring, and therefore, I do productive things every single day. I wouldn't be able to be with a partner who couldn't be dragged out of the house when I want an adventure. Like, not every single day or anything like that, but they'd need to be comfortable with sometimes being tired after. I also couldn't be with someone who just stagnated and thought everything was fine as is, while having a half-renovated house, and not look at advancing their career, reading books, keeping up with the development of the world, etc. I just can't handle stagnation while I myself keep growing. Like, I'd not expect my partner to keep up with me, because that's hard, but I wouldn't want them to be fine with them just giving up on improving themselves while they're still young and able.

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Oh ABSOLUTELY agree I am the same! Having drive and being productive…completely possible to be these things and also be in a stable, calm, adult, mature, happy relationship which is what we’re talking about here. Boring being confused with ‘a lack of chaos’

[@lollsazz]

@@melaniemurphyofficial That I agree on 😊 I don't need drama, ultimatums, being together on-and-off, jealousy and all of that 😋

[@sianimay420]

Loved hearing all of this ❤

[@scourgeneo7834]

honestly, both men and women can learn a thing or two about relationships from this

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

💚💚💚

[@barbspedia]

It reminds me a lot of how you create a story arc, you need the drama, the plot twists and the conflict resolution. It seems like is what happens after that last page, actors and characters have gone home- no more work, it isn’t’ necessary a lot of plot, plenty of character development though.

[@daisy.709]

Amazing Video Mel, thank you 💖🥰

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Glad you enjoyed! ❤️‍🔥

[@cuteprincess441]

This is why I am terrified of becoming a parent! (Due in Sept :D) But I have been through enough toxic, shitty relationships, and am so thankful to have put in the work with my husband. Beautiful video. 💕

[@kmdkiki]

I find it very reassuring to know that this is a common feeling to have in a healthy relationship

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

So common, SO okay! Xxx

[@heyyjoannaa]

Well gosh darn Melanie. A great perspective

[@abbypierce4196]

I had never seen the Notebook before so my BF and I watched it together and we were both like “Woah these things would not seem normal at all!” I think Ally slaps him like three times in the movie? I was like oh neat, romanticizing abuse!

[@surlespasdondine]

And people find it so romantic😂

[@ethneclark7281]

You and Thomas are such good relationship rolemodels! 💚

[@adriennesamantha]

This video came at the perfect time

[@kulsumabegum33]

Thanks Melanie great video ❤ could you speak more about attachment styles and how you changed your anxiety attachment style please 😅

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

I talked about this in a video a few months ago! All about anxious attachment (well I didn’t go much into how I chanted it but - being with a securely attached person who was consistent with me over an extended period of time!) xxx

[@hollyheaton5305]

Life isn't meant to be a massive rollercoaster of excitement and emotions all the time. We've gotten into a situation where we almost expect things to be as they were when we first start dating someone. But there is beauty in the companiable silence you only get when you are happy, secure and safe with someone, when you can be 100% yourself with someone and don't feel you have to mask or change parts of yourself when you are around them, there is beauty in just living life with one person you are in a happy, healthy relationship with. I grew up with parents who had no business being married to eachother, so when i found a healthy relationship, I held on to it. I credit witnessing healthy relationships outside of my parents marriage and then experiencing a.chaotic dating life for helping me to recognise a good thing when i had it. Amazing video, thank you.

[@OmarAyusoVA]

I think from a literature perspective the reason so many people enjoy toxic relationships in media is because well humans tend to enjoy stories about other humans and fundamentally internal conflict is more compelling than external conflict. And toxic relationships often the source of toxicity is an internal conflict between one or both the characters that needs to be resolved. It's the same reason why alot of our favorite characters have tough lives or are morally grey etc. because it's more interesting and compelling to consume content about a deeply flawed troubled person and a complicated person who struggles a lot than a perfect person who never really struggles or has to put in effort. I think at the very least thats oke of the reasons

[@Thrivinginthespotlight]

I think attachment styles are huge in these relationships. Alot of problems came from dating dismissive avoidant partners.

[@mollyburtonwood1781]

I really want to find a long, healthy relationship. I want to meet someone in person though, I feel like I meet a lot of people in bars but they just want a hook up, I’ve been there, done it, I don’t want that anymore. Thank you so much for this video, it’s explaining my emotions. I have had the hot and cold relationships

[@ulalume.]

I think I experience the opposite and I wonder if people relate to this. I have always LOVED the idea of being comfortable with someone, I would love to just be with someone without having to be a certain way or even have to talk. Doing your own thing besides that special person who is doing their own thing sounds like heaven. Just exploring the simple things in life together, growing together and having a solid emotional connection. BUT, it's not what I have attracted in my life at all. I sabotage my relationships because I am afraid the *other* is bored of me, and I get insecure, and project that onto the person I'm with and attract people who are insecure as well because I am. It's a struggle, and I dont want it to be like this and most of the times I just want to skip everything to the comfy durable love phase because the beginning of a relationship with all it's intensity and uncertainty triggers a lot of this in me. Now I'm thinking about it, I wonder if this has anything to do with neuro-divergency since I have adhd and possibly autism.

[@LemonLimeJuiceBarrell]

I heard someone use the term “limerence addict” once and that hit me like a ton of bricks. So glad I grew out of that garbage.

[@mariak75]

Loved the topic, will watch again later!

[@eleanorhenderson9896]

I wonder if this is more of a problem for eldest daughters? I feel so similar to you in this and trying to like put sticky tape around my parents relationship by doing it in my own. I feel like eldest daughters are very often trying to hold their family together and when they get into their own relationships they mirror that behaviour of holding things together

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Such an interesting point…I have for sure bonded with other eldest daughters from broken homes! 💖

[@surlespasdondine]

True to an extent! I put a lot of pressure on myself as the eldest. But I was so relieved when my parents split. So much better for everyone in our case. My sister was the one who was not happy about it and wanted ro force things

[@eleanorhenderson9896]

@@surlespasdondine I was happier when my parents split too - but I was still there trying to fix them, even as individuals. Trying to make them feel better and hurt less. Obviously everyone has their own experience and I was honestly just guessing about eldest daughters

[@surlespasdondine]

Oh I get it! I think 50% of why I'm in therapy is because I'm the eldest of 4.

[@gyccowrites]

heavy on the “constantly being mmmhhmmm”

[@JilTheReal]

"His ex is way more beautiful. ".. girlie, how? You're the most beautiful KZbinr I know, and I spend every evening watching KZbin videos. 😅

[@ariesmarsexpress]

The issue with great love 'looking' boring is the people who write about it. The vast majority of people have spent more time in toxic relationships than healthy ones, and a great many have never been in a healthy relationship at all, and that is especially true for writers of romance. I can tell because their tropes are pretty sick and twisted. The reason almost all romances end when the couple gets together is because the writer has absolutely no idea what happens next. This is the equivalent of getting all dressed up for a date, spending several hundred on a new hairstyle, putting on the expensive perfume, getting to the the restaurant, eating the appetizers, and then leaving and going back home and calling the date a success. Writers of all types shape what the population thinks is supposed to happen in relationships. I think the Asian GL genre (Not lesbian in general, toxic af) gets this right when everyone else gets it wrong. They put the chaos in the pre-dating phase and the romance in the relationship. They do this so well, the ships formed by the actresses playing the roles develop massive fandoms supporting their 'relationship', not of the characters, but of the two actresses, with none of the sick and twisted shxt that comes up in other genres. There is this subspecies of fan that is always attempting to insert their toxic wishes into the ongoing story. Usually, they are shut down by the larger fandom, but on the occasion when they are successful, the ship immediately sinks.

[@brihannonstrathern8801]

Why do I feel like you're my therapist 😂?!

[@user-cv3pr9xg8y]

I’d love to experience it - 22 years waiting lol

[@bettinak.4]

I was 26 when I've met my now husband and we've been together for 5 years. This is my first relationship, I wanted to wait for the right man. He is the best man I've ever known and I'm happy to say that we are in a healthy "boring" relationship. Don't give up! 💚

[@surlespasdondine]

You are still sooo young! Barely an adult. There is plenry of time.

[@kasselav47]

Love this 🧡

[@liamodonovan6610]

You are a very high value incredibly strong woman love you're video's wishing the best for i perfer to stay single

[@sophieirwin3497]

oh Big and Carrie annoy me now. Like they are adults but act like teenagers. Also watching SATC now, Carrie is so immature for someone in their 30s. But then I'm in a healthy relationship with someone who isn't bothered if I tell him my GI tract hates me. I didn't get embarrassed, he got me plain drinks and soups, and I love him more for what he did and we got back to trolling each other

[@EpistemicFomo]

No offence, you were super cute in that video from years ago, but you're now so much more beautiful, elegant, attractive 🔥

[@julietfirth8553]

Everything you said is so relatable! And I'm in that happy, comfortable long-term relationship now after figuring loads of stuff out. Although am only in my early 20s - do you think this is too young to be settling down?

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Absolutely not, if it feels right to you! I was fully prepared to settle down with my long term ex when I FIRST met him (I was 20!) but that relationship simply didn’t work out, I grew in a different direction…we bickered over everything…he became uncomfortable with my career online took off and that caused a lot of tension, financial tension in particular, there were many reasons why we broke up! But age was never one of them! I think if Thomas and I got together younger we would have had more kids, but yeah…we got together at the right time for US. As we both changed a lot in our twenties! When I was 20 Thomas was only 18 and VERY shy haha it never would have happened back then! 💔💖

[@TangerineHorizons]

Great video

[@anna14611]

Melanie, I am here once more this week to ask....is that a white top or dress you are wearing? Can you share from where it is? Its so lovely and feminine! Love the video btw!

[@melaniemurphyofficial]

Ohh it’s an old Ted Baker dress! 💖

[@auag19]

I rage quit sex and the city bc of the relationship with Ben. Couldn't stand it! 😂 Before I got in a healthy relation my core believe was that I was gonna become a fun/fun aunt, that romatic love was not on the cards for me.

[@strawberryRich]

What’s your lipstick shade and brand ??