Narcissists treat you badly for loving them | The Narcissists' Code Ep 845

[@annmariemccooey6731]

That's how you learn that someone is a narcissist. You're nice to them and they punish you for it.

[@yeaitsmae6277]

They hate you for loving them but when you walk away they stalk you 😵‍💫

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

Bingo. I wonder if this guy is a stalker when he's not making vids?

[@sabrinaguedouani]

The reason why they stalk you has to do with control, nothing to do with them missing you when you leave.

[@marionwilliams424]

Or move on to the next person only for temporary happiness

[@trishybug8830]

Weird right? Them folks are literally walking contradictions 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@candyc6057]

oh they love to stalk mann🤦‍♀️

[@williamdemarrais8318]

Narcissists don't make any sense to a logical person!

[@kyki8512]

AMEN! AMEN! And AMEN again! Your comment says it all! 👏👏👏👍🎯🎯🎯🎯💯

[@tesskaiser2190]

It creates cognitive dissonance in my brain. I'm like why why why are they doing that it's illogical... lol

[@Topanga.]

Omg yes!

[@ItsSoarTime]

WHOYOUTELLIN'!!!!!!! PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@babydii3487]

💯💯💯

[@KvonD9836]

They just hate the fact we CAN love.

[@MentalHealness]

😭

[@Play-jv3oi]

no, we all have to make changes in life, they call it sacrifices because aome behaviora are toxics, we all have to change toxic behaviors, it is not about being narcciatic but changing toxic behaviora

[@ImreadyforJesus]

I do believe that's true

[@ImreadyforJesus]

My husband tells me that I deserve to be abused and that's why I've always been abused and that's just justifying himself I know this already and that's why it makes so hard because I don't want to hear this things from the person that's supposed to love me I know he don't but he says he does it's a constant state of confusion for sure

[@ItsSoarTime]

OOOOOOO!!!!!!! sad!!!! VERY SAD!!!!! PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@PassionateFlower]

They're angry at you for loving the version of them they had to pretend to be in order to pull you in because it took a lot of energy for them to be nice to you to get what they wanted out of you so now that they revert back into their true self once they are comfortable as their horrible real selves again they resent you for holding them to the same expectation that it took to get you as it would to keep you and they are too tired and lazy for that but they will exert that energy for new supply because it's exciting to them but now you're boring to them and not worth the hassle because they already took what they wanted from you.

[@norcal1009]

All true. They don't miss you either because you no longer matter to them. It's scary to reflect back on times when ppl could have just done away with me without a second thought. My heart goes out to victims who are no longer alive to be survivors. 🥺❤️‍🩹

[@melindajackson378]

True

[@trishybug8830]

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@valiizajames925]

💯

[@jadeforth2024]

Unfucking real, I can't believe I'm 4. Well, 38 and had no idea what the h*** narcissism was like? I know my boyfriend's a very narcissistic. But not a complete narcissist snooze. Why? I'm still single thirty eight fuck me running bud

[@eking4937]

This is literally what I said to myself about my narcissistic ex: “It’s like he punished me for loving him”

[@MentalHealness]

😔

[@ninanightnurse]

Me too😔

[@teresascott310]

That's good Lee! Why don't you just be the real you in the beginning? So the one you want to be with can make a true and real choice to be with you? Cause I think I would have loved my ex anyway. But I would have made better informed decisions for myself. I could have handled myself accordingly 😔 instead of leaving. I pray for you and I thank you dearly!

[@yeaitsmae6277]

Same here....

[@southerncatlady]

Omg, I know how that feels, and I'm so sorry you went through that! It's awful to feel that way, to feel punished for loving someone. You deserve SO much better! 🖤🤗

[@thepurestbashir-xr5ex]

I didn’t get love from my parents growing up , I was neglected as a child but I didn’t turn narcissistic I’m a empath with a pure heart

[@coolchick568]

Same here. Became empath. Had a narc mom. So I picked up some tendency for it, but certainly does not make me one. I got messed up with a narcessist, only because it was comfortable for me. Red flags others see are really normal things for me, so I tolerated so much. None of my other relationships were/ are like the one with a narc.... so I know I'm okay.

[@LashonBates]

I am a humble pure sweet woman an I don’t blame it on no one !! It’s up to u if u wanna bitter an a hater of everyone but u don’t to the people u pick an those ones are gonna have bad ass karma from the amazing Man up above

[@TheVioletMagic29]

I think most kids go one way or the other depending on different factors. It is fact that a narc parent creates either codependent or narc children as it is a coping mechanism.

[@LV4REAL]

Same. 🫂♥️

[@NatashaEllis-tf8vd]

Same Here Sad But So True Be Strong 💪🏾 Though We Got Got This And God Got US 🙏🏾

[@MegaRose1958]

When I look back at my Toxic Relationship I do remember the nicer I was, the more Toxic my ex became.

[@MentalHealness]

😞

[@norcal1009]

Interesting, while good spreads good, bad spreads bad. I'm on your side.

[@mint_soup9743]

Yeah

[@naylaharris6632]

I just had an AHA MOMENT! This makes perfect sense. That’s why they love the people who treats them like sh*t bc it resembles the „love“ they got from their parents.

[@KittyCatFurbabiesMaria1972]

My narcs mother showed him no love , but his dad showed him immense love….narc treats me like s h I t….says nobody has ever loved him as much as I do , and it makes him uncomfortable …also he says the trouble with me is I’m “ too nice” 😭

[@Carolwarr448]

I did not mistreat my narcissist daughter or Granddaughter. Her father was in prison majority of her life when he was out, he wouldn't buy her a pair of shoes and beat her while I was at work. Now he's living with her. She treats me HORRIBLE and MY Granddaughter is the exact replication of her mother who mistreated her. 😢

[@HealedChakras777]

Yep. I became aware and started to take away my love. Punishments were less, though not nonexistent because I was still in the devaluation stage. The love bombing part of the cycle simply showed up more because he felt I wasn't as locked in as before. Save your energy folks, they hate when you love them even though they seem to vie for it. You get better treatment (though still not good) when you treat them terrible because they already believe love is chaotic or bad from their childhood. That'll give you enough mental stability to talk away

[@candyc6057]

Yes my ex narc his mom never raised him, she did something to him as a kid but the attachment he has to his mother is weird unlike his sisters who keep their distance. N his addiction to prostitutes all circles back to the childhood he grew up in

[@ladyredd6857]

​@@candyc6057my husband

[@Natalia-gi1jh]

They hate you behind your back but In the open they say " I need you , don't leave "

[@MentalHealness]

💯💯

[@norcal1009]

All in all, ANGER is a choice, staying ANGRY is a choice, living ANGRY is a choice, and defining ANGER with criminally-minded actions is a CHOICE. 🤬☠️

[@MentalHealness]

😡

[@michellegaines3568]

I agree 💯 percent

[@tranquility9325]

​@@MentalHealnesslolllll

[@camanou1430]

Grits or toast for breakfast is a choice. Anger is an emotion. How to handle it can be a choice, depending on the level of skill you have been taught or had to teach yourself how to do so. Overall I'd say compassion can make a lot of things so much better. Towards yourself and others.

[@norcal1009]

@@camanou1430 so true, and like any emotion, even anger can be gauged! I can't imagine the deterioration of the world if most ppl didn't know how to put a cap on it. Violence is bad enough as it is.

[@CristyB66]

The real question is, why are we in love with people who treat us like shit?

[@NatzTalk]

Trauma Bond. We were in love with ppl we THOUGHT we knew

[@MegaRose1958]

@@CristyB66 Never again will I let someone mistreat me. I value my " Peace of Mind " to allow that to happen again!

[@MegaRose1958]

@@NatzTalk Yes this is true. I thought I found someone who truly loved and cared for me. We got along and did so many things together. I thought I had met my man in shiny armor. I was so wrong as time went on. I did ignore some Red Flags because the good at the time outshined the bad. I will not let anyone ever rush me into a relationship either!! That was the first mistake I made!! He became more and more controlling and would look at me like he was mad at me for no justifiable reason, Rage and act like everything was ok a few mins. later.

[@ileanaprofeanu7626]

it's even sadder when the narcissist puts on an act but you see through it (truth seer/teller) and you fall for them anyway because you know, trauma bond, familiarity, you don't realize how bad the bad is, and you try to make it work and all the while they think that you don't know, that they are soo good at hiding, and when they finally realize that you know, this fact causes so much shame that they can't stand being around you anymore

[@norcal1009]

They know that they are wrong

[@RayneyKayLa]

Yea but it's codependency to see that and not walk away in the first place or second place or third place or fourth place or fifth place........

[@ileanaprofeanu7626]

​​​​@@RayneyKayLaputting the dot on the i! this is correct, but codependency comes in many flavours. liking a narcissist for who he is and also being codependent are not mutually exclusive, although you could argue that a narcissist's toxic traits are part of who they are. but this is something that I have to work through as someone who sees behaviour as something you can work through, the proverbial "seeing the good in everyone". something that attracts toxic people to me and which later toxic people hate about me

[@dvaldez8688]

@ileanaprofeanu7626 I’m at that part 😢😭 I leave but I always think of his safety his being in my presence just so I know he’s safe AND I FEEL SAFE 🤷‍♀️idk I’ve acknowledged and started studying about why he like this and it’s sad BECAUSE I NEED TO LEAVE LIKE NOW 😢 but I choose the part of taking back

[@RayneyKayLa]

@@ileanaprofeanu7626 codependency is saying you like the person who treats you like dirt over and over and claiming to still see the good. That's what codependents do.

[@TheOfficialWiFiFairy]

They love bomb you but the minute you love them back - it’s over. If they start to love you - for sure it’s over!!!!

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

They are fun for the first date and the first sex. Maybe even two or three...but after that, it starts to stink.

[@labazoops]

Absolutely !

[@feistyphoenix]

I find it so interesting that the whole time they are punishing for loving them there is no recognition or accountability for their original deception. I struggle between my own anger and empathy for the kind of trauma that creates the kind of person capable of the kinds of punishment I’ve heard, read about, and experienced. We divorced a year ago, I went mostly no contact for about six months, and then relapsed in Mother’s Day weekend, I’ll spare you the details. I’m now on day six of no contact, again. I know that I CANNOT give him ANY empathy, concern, anger, or pain. I can’t giving him anything. Thinking about him is giving him too much energy. Stand strong fellow warriors and know that you are not alone ❤

[@norcal1009]

I love your carefully selected words and compassion. It is easy to slip into feeling sorry for needy ppl. My 'gifting,' to friends and loved ones, for example, can be a letdown. I get a 'thank you,' but it's hard not to expect something in return. These kinds of basic customs and courtesies are not uniform, and I realize that. Giving freely in general is often taken for granted. 🤔

[@HealedChakras777]

We've all relapsed. Some more than once, twice or thrice. Stay strong hon! ❤️

[@labazoops]

Correct! A lot of us relapse! 5:37

[@Thatgirlygirl75]

​@HealedChakras777 "relapsed"...interested choice of words. This, certainly, was an addictionship, we're going through recovery, and celebrate periods of sobriety. 😊

[@tarakonjolka5140]

Lee you are literally saving my life. Thanks so much. It took my husband trying to kill me and almost succeeding until I finally left after 25 years.

[@bigsisterology]

If a narc feels that way about themselves then you are choosing to be unhappy for the rest of your life and I’ll be damn if I waste my time and empathy towards someone who’s ungrateful and unhealthy. I went through this toxic cycle for 6 years with a narc and finally god came and whoop my behind so bad in May of 2021 and I was done and over it. There’s no way I’m living my life in misery I knew I deserved to be happy and live my best life. I wasn’t going to sit around and feel sorry for myself and be a victim to the choices I made as an adult. I own it and constantly growing and changing myself each and every day.

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

Right on!

[@areuarealman7269]

The choices I made make me an angry person I don't give a f anymore but that doesn't make me a narcissist I'm actually a sociopath I thought I was a narcissist nope I like too f people up but I'm aware .

[@dvaldez8688]

Same unfortunately I HAVE REALIZED how I’m getting treat I acknowledged the problem! For me rn IM TRYING MY BEST TO LEAVE unfortunately I still can’t acknowledge that part 😢

[@bigsisterology]

@@dvaldez8688 don’t worry you’ll acknowledge it sooner or later don’t give up hope and remember to use safety precautions when it’s time. When I left, I didn’t announce it, I did it and never looked back now life has been good to me. When you do the right thing for yourself everything you wished for comes into full circles.

[@cora4short]

“If your looking for a sign to go back to your toxic ex this ain’t it”….Lee 🤣🤣🤣

[@s0me0ne1se]

He always got angrier when I insinuated the relationship had changed (he changed the way he behaved toward me) and he said bluntly and rudely: “what you see is what you get”. Above it all they become hugely CYNICAL. So sad.

[@shapeeps]

They hurt you when you love them too much, give them space, work on them, work on yourself. No matter what, they're unhappy. My ex often said "I feel like I don't deserve love," and it was so funny and confusing in the beginning because he was so kind. Now I understand since our break up, but the frustration of being an empath is knowing that even though they hurt us so much, they're stuck in their childhood trauma of being abused or being the golden child. I wish the best for him, but not at the expense of my happiness.

[@chanel82593]

Beautifully stated

[@ginawillis4]

Yes!!!!!

[@ashleyarlese6200]

My ex would literally cringe at how much I loved him and cared for him. I would literally make sure he felt loved and considered because after gathering information about his childhood I felt it was something he never experienced. I would give him love attention and affection and he would reject it.

[@esthersingletary5800]

This is what I’m experiencing now.

[@norcal1009]

His loss for sure. They will make a mockery of you and everything you hold dear.

[@JJ-nd6sm]

In fact, narcissists should be viewed positively. They hurt you, lied to you, stole from you, etc., but you become stronger, smarter, you no longer believe only in good words, you love yourself and now you think about priorities in a different way. So that punishment should be seen as a lesson to love yourself.

[@lovelifexx726]

Love this very true!

[@MentalHealness]

Sometimes it helps to have a silver lining

[@norcal1009]

I love your rationale 👍

[@JJ-nd6sm]

@@norcal1009 I think it's the only healthy way for survivors.

[@csibiedit8046]

Yes ,mostly if fe hurts you to send you to meet with the God. Than you will learn a lot of about these experiences . You will become the first intelect person of the heaven ..As I remember already my father had these kind of teachings and who learned my broder and my neighbours that they have to save me. Seriously I had enough narcissist in my life with such of tendencies and was not anything new to learn .

[@teairawalton385]

Thank you for making this video. 😢 Being in love with a narcissist is so hard... but what's harder is knowing you truly love them with every fiber in your body and knowing they will never feel the same... I pray the man who has my heart gets help. And realizes he is capable of being loved and he accepts it and welcomes it with open arms... even if it's not with me. 🥺😢

[@kellithomas9080]

I believe we are deeply in love with who they present themselves to be at first. Over time, at least for me, the love diminished and became a very unhealthy attachment to him. In my opinion and experience, no way you can love a person who continues to hurt and abuse you over and over. That loves turns into resentment and you don’t know what to believe and can’t understand what’s happening. Then you’re so trauma bonded that you convince you are deeply in love because of that feeling you have and desire to want to help and make it work.

[@cazjay017]

“Presenting who they need to be”. That is an eye opener. My ex husband was so nasty, critical and extremely angry behind closed doors. I was always doing something wrong. There were definite red flags before we got married that I didn’t listen to. His family was very dysfunctional but his cruel behaviours didn’t really present themselves till my 2 sons were born. It seemed like he just wanted to be single and do his own thing. It was like he hated being committed to a family. There were definitely signs there early on but he couldn’t really settle himself into family life. In fact it pushed me away over the years. He is now engaged and acts like the perfect partner and father to his partners daughter.

[@angielaree5506]

key word “Act” trust me behind closed doors he’s either treating her the same way or eventually will.

[@NehaSharma-777]

It's very simple. Narcissists fight is with their maker . This battle they have to fight themselves to reach the light , understand what that is , who they authentic self is , and to fight the demons in their space that tell them they are nothing . All this is going on inside and is the reason for how they behave is

[@tbyrdrandom]

It would be interesting to see Lee and his brother discuss their dynamic as siblings. We always hear about narcissism in relation to romantic partners or parents, but rarely the impact of growing up with a a narc sibling.

[@philancianaidoo1195]

Towards the end of our relationship, I told him I truly believe that he hates me. He cant understand why I think that. This video hit home. I may have been trauma bonded, but years later I know I loved this man. The fact that he hated me weighs so heavy on me 💔

[@MentalHealness]

stay strong

[@latoyawoodson2019]

Praying for you 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@IsabellaPiesch]

See it in a positive way. Narcissists can´t love... So what in fact does it matter? If I am hated because I set boundaries and didn´t let to use me anymore - so be it. (I don´t care about that. At least I love myself and don´t have to built up with shit anymore). Just love yourself and leave a happy life. With such a person you will never be happy and never be loved the way you deserve.

[@majorsolutionsllc]

Riddle me this Lee😆"Why is the real version evil as Hell?" No one would like that?🤔

[@Breakingfreefromnarcissism]

It will be 3 years ago this Wednesday that I took the initiative to study these behaviors and now this makes the most sense to me.

[@MentalHealness]

♥️

[@Analysis_Paralysis]

@@MentalHealness Hey, Lee, is it possible that a narcissist finds someone (who is either so broken, or so naive, or so toxic themselves) that they fall in love with the "real" version of the narcissist? Couldn't it be possible? People/partners who enable abusive lovers do usually have knowledge of the bad things they do. Couldn't it be possible that they actually like the "brokenness" of the abuser?

[@sterlingwoodruff3562]

This is your best video yet. You did such a great job explaining the reasons why people become narcissists and how that is still not ok to behave that way. We’d love to learn more about how narcissists are made. That’s fascinating that you have a twin and one became a narcissist and the other didn’t. Thank you

[@MentalHealness]

🙏

[@Analysis_Paralysis]

@@MentalHealness Could talk more about the potential reasons why you and your twin brother might have developed differently? Could there be a "scientific" or empirical reason for it? Was your brother maybe treated differently?

[@bonnielee316]

There are identical twins where one is schizophrenic and the other is not. It just depends on how those genes turn on or stay off. Kind of like a roll of the genetic dice.

[@rememberselfcare]

The only thing i ever did wrong to this man was love him and he hurt me every day bc of it. Can't wait to hear what you have to say on this matter

[@MentalHealness]

Stay strong

[@InvisibleBorderline]

Same. All I did was love him. I accepted him even when his situation wasn’t what I expected. Nothing was ever enough. 😢

[@yored8853]

Makes a lot of sense. Whenever I told him I loved him, which I deeply did, he would say, “No you don’t” and I mean I knew he was insecure, but always thought that was such a bazaar comment.

[@MentalHealness]

💯

[@vivienonwuzulike8467]

It must be so very horrible being a Narcissist.....

[@demigaines5644]

Thank You For Sharing This. I Loved The Narcissit So Much I Was In Love With Him And He Destroyed Me For Loving Him He Destroyed My Life

[@JJ-nd6sm]

It's not just that. I talked to my narcissist and told him that I like what he hides, vulnerability, timidity I told him that I don't like that he tries to be the opposite of that, because I like that inside him. I just don't like how he treats me, but he continued to act the same. I think they don't understand that love is not a one-way road.

[@MentalHealness]

😔

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

He doesn't CARE that you love him. To him, your love is just another square of toilet paper. There are so many, and he has only so many times that he can wipe...so why would he stick with your square after he used it a few times already? On to new tissue.

[@JJ-nd6sm]

@@whereisyourhumanity7557 I know he doesn't care, I'm just saying that everything is much more complex, you can't draw one conclusion about them.

[@zykira2010]

This shit is crazy. NARCISSISM IS SOO BACKWARDS AND CONFUSING...IT GIVES ME A HEADACHE JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THEY THINK

[@MentalHealness]

‼️‼️

[@ClassicOpinion]

It’s my opinion: agreed ~I’ve observed struggle with cognitive dissonance (behavior and thought does not match) in the mind of a Narcissist and what’s missing is simplicity of thought… that simple understanding of the thought that, “I simply need to stop the bad behaviors of hurting others(treat others how you’d want to be treated)……

[@tangelagilchrist2460]

I get it! You have such a way of explaining! I get it. The Bible clearly talks about peace. If there's no peace it's not of God. It's like narcissism it's not just one part of the person, it's the whole. It's not just one verse, it's the entire book... narcissist people are not peaceful 25 years married .... divorced since April this year

[@norcal1009]

I agree that narcissism pervades the 'whole' person. I've seen in with many ppl, and the harm it does to themselves and all those around them is unmistakable.

[@johnbell638]

18 years in a relationship with my delusional arrogant lying irresponsible disrespectful condescending narcissistic husband. Finally kicked him out. I just want to give you a hug. God bless.

[@johnbell638]

I forgot manipulative, insensitive, cruel and self-centered. Thank you Lord Jesus for finally freeing me from him! I can finally have some peace. God is good. Thank you.

[@marmeg1118]

Thank you for bringing up the Bible. People need to rethink how they pick the word of God. They need to also remember that their are strongholds and principalities going on here too. That’s why we need to let God and let go. Why? He/she doesn’t belong to you but to God. Also they can of course change with God BUT BUT BUT, it’s their free will that NEEDS NEEDS TO BE AUTHENTICALLY INVOLVED. If not they’ll fail. It is what it is and nothing we do, pray or say can override their FREE WILL. It’s up to them and if they do exercise their free will to change AUTOMATICALLY then good but if not you must hand them 💯 to God and let go. It’s the only way. Btw if you say to God he/she is yours and I am letting go and letting you God then do so. Do it authentically too. Prayers to all and trust Gods plans for you and your life and move on with that mindset and heart. God does not want us to suffer or be mistreated relentlessly. Remember the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy. They steal your mind, your heart and try to destroy your everything of peace within. Worse some even kill themselves or their partners. Please take heed & don’t pick and chose t be a slave to these people who truly need God on their own and you cannot be their God. Actually supply is idolatry. If these folks become your center of every thought and attention they become your supply and need to help and change and to fix. You just fell into idolatry too. Be careful and stay mindful and spirit healthy bound ❤️❤️❤️🙏🏻

[@MentalHealness]

‼️💯💯🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@abihailhill6372]

This makes sense for them to be upset with you for loving the fake version of themselves. WOW‼️ just straight bamboozled us!

[@nicholecornes1915]

Accept them for who they are far far away

[@CrisCole2022]

In reality Narcissist get angry with themselves because they know that person is in love with something fake they created! They know its a fraud so they project the anger they few for themselves!

[@alanageldien5120]

Thank you, Lee! My ex is also a twin. His brother is not a narcissist and I don’t believe his family sees his covert narcissistic traits. They know something is “off” with him though. When I left my ex, his brother gave me a hug and said from our entire family we apologize to you because he will never apologize. I wish he was willing to work on himself like you. When I offered to get him help he refused and that’s when I knew I had to leave.

[@renadahines9994]

Well dayum I did not look at it this way that he mad because I love the one I met not the one that he turned out to be lord this makes total sense.

[@ao6685]

Oh my goodness, this is so true. Both my mum and ex 😢

[@MentalHealness]

😢

[@tranquility9325]

Even in non romantic relationships like family dynamics...someone in the family who has done for them repeatedly, they have the audacity to say, you have never done anything for me!

[@amyseales9323]

My family member got the narc rage his character.trashed and his home trashed. Not they skip around like it was all his fault not theirs

[@tranquility9325]

@@amyseales9323 yup

[@SteveThePisces]

Please please please continue to put out the disclaimer that this is not a reason to go back. Thats so thoughtful and helpful.

[@TsukuyomiChi]

I had stopped watching stuff about narcissistic personality disorder because I wanted to move on from it, but this one caught my attention because it really did seem like the more I loved and cared for him, the worse he treated me, and it would trigger me how completely different he was to other people. Even after hearing him say "I just cant be as good to a partner as Im to a friend, I dont know why", I felt like that was bs, and eventually I realised that the supply from the friendship is different, the mask is easier to maintain because his friends are mostly flying monkeys, but still I wanted to understand how it worked in his brain. Thanks for sharing Lee. I dont feel bad for him, this is just projection, I been through childhood trauma too, and even though I have my own thing to work on, and I understand how narcissism is difficult for the ones dealing with the disorder as well, I stand on accountability, as in, we are all responsible for our actions. If he hadnt pretended to be someone he wasnt just to pull me into a relationship I didnt even want at first, I wouldnt have asked him to go back to who he was, the same goes to if he had let me leave when I wanted to instead of making fake promisses and manipulating me. I lived a lie for a whole year, the pain I felt from the betrayal of being used, cheated, and all the other awful things he did to me for so long, while I was just giving him all the love I had, is much greater in my opinion then his "I dont deserve love" self pitty thing. In fact, it makes me feel even more disgusted thinking about how every time he did me wrong, was basically him trowing a tantrum because he didnt feel good enough because he knew what he was doing, like a vicious cycle that only got worse and worse. To think thats how he saw me and our relationship, it makes me feel a bit repulsed. This is a sad way to live. Thanks for educating me in this.

[@helenlesleysmith7559]

I can get where U are coming from

[@jamela6020]

I can definitely relate. 21 years here. He actually tried hard 13 of those years to maintain a good healthy relationship but last year he did a 360 and decided that he changed and have to find himself. So he reverted back to his narcissistic behaviors and said that we can be cool..😢 I tried to maintain friendship but soon realized that he is doing this push and pull thing and as of 41 days ago after an incident, I just took myself out completely with no words other than for him to take his car out my garage. He said that he would but still has not. I did a speedy recovery by meditating day and night and I feel so free. Heard from someone that he's mentioned that 'he would be lying if he say he don't miss me'.. I think he wanted the message to get back to me. I have been feeling so peaceful and empowered in this past 1 and 1/2 months. Making myself busy and making up for time Wasted in the past year putting so much energy in trying to save us. I do have a lot of great memories in my 20 years...he really did his best trying to be a good human. He really treated me well in past 12 years so I cannot now accept his reverted bad behavior..

[@Opinionatedcancer]

I feel the same way. I didn’t want the relationship at first either, should’ve just stayed alone. I’ve honestly never dated a man so vile, so I was surprised when he showed his true colors

[@MentalHealness]

stay strong on your healing journey

[@lala5061]

Yea, i told him we are supposed to be honestly the best of friends...meaning be ourselves with each other, be vulnerable and safe to go to each other...i understand a male best friend and female bestfriend are different because u can talk with that person that understands other tooics because u are the same sex...but ge told me "we can't be friends U are my woman" and I was like "what does being your woman mean then?" He had nothing to say but I asked him this a while back and he didn't have an answer then either...smh...he doesn't and never really taking me anywherr not out to eat, bowling etc we was rogehter for for almost 18 years but he had spent more quality time with his "homboy/s" 🤔 and going bowling with them but he has never asked me out...he always talked about how he gonna take me out never did...i started feeling like a side chickor something after a while basically...then I was just done and he is mean as hell very cold...he stops doing things when he's mad too but if i stop anything i been doing it turns into a big problem smh it was exhausting and I became very reactive, and disrespectful to him after that it was very, very bad and scary

[@charlenehill8630]

Lee thank you for making this video. I love it. My ex friend who is a narcissist tells me I miss you. I tell him I am not interested. I don't like how you treated me and how he was mean to me. My ex refuses to get help for his toxic behavior and, I refuse to be back with him. My ex seems to think that I need therapy but, he needs therapy as well for his narcissistic personality disorder. He doesn't love me. I feel he just wants to use me as a card placeholder. In the three and half years that I have known him. He has never introduced me to friends or family. Also, hides me from his mother. Lies about getting a job. I am good. I am just trying to heal and restore my life.

[@valerieg7568]

We first meet the fake personality, begin loving that "representative"... then it's our fault because we don't know that you're hiding your true identity. Very sad and waste of time😢🙄

[@Unbreakablechic]

He would treat me like crap and move mountains for people who treat him with disregard. Their life really is their karma. Incapable of giving or receiving love. He once told me he cannot tell when someone is genuine, I feel like this is the reason why they just play games with everyone.

[@melaninandaura9713]

This is SO true. And they think you MUUUUSSSTT have an ulterior motive. You can’t just love them for being who they are in their minds. They are convinced you are “loving” them for some vile, selfish reason. They punish you for this as well. Because they have to believe you are self serving trash just because you love them. Then you end up in this cycle of constantly proving over and over that you love them.

[@suzannemunoz8719]

Accepting both versions without judging makes them hate you even more. They never will know how to understand how even the worst actions and hate can be met with the kind of love they have always needed, the kind that wants to see their soul at peace. The kind a good mother, wife, sister etc just gives without any sort of conditions, like normal people have while growing up. They always wish they were someone else their whole life, but who is that person? It's sad. Not so sad you let them back in, but sad because no one should live in that kind of hell.

[@Angel-gp6tx]

So true. They want unconditional love from people but hate them for knowing how to give it. They also hate that you don't love them conditionally...because then you wouldnt be perceived as better than them.

[@kjbrocky]

Wow, this is the deepest, most profound of all your videos. And they're all excellent. So many thanks to you!

[@jennifera777]

My ex narc responded with disrespect when I displayed my love but when he upset me and I called him out of his name, it would make him cling to me and I got my way. Weird..

[@luna_soleil]

This makes so much sense... How you prove the narcissist right by falling for them, that their true self isn't worth loving... The more and more I tried to address issues with my ex, the more our relationship started to fall apart... He kept up the act for a long time but as time went on more of who he *really* is started to show and I had a problem with that... Looking back every time I tried to address this with him it was one narcissistic injury after the other and he went further and further down the rabbit hole.. he realized he couldn't keep up the act anymore

[@freiagalacar5786]

Omg, this makes so much sense. This is actually incredibly insightful. That must be a lot of pressure always feeling the need to perform your best and wear the mask of perfection.

[@virtuousnaj3573]

SMH I went through this I thought it was just me. He would complain I’m not affectionate but I felt like everytime I try to be loving and affectionate he would get mean and nasty which would make me upset and put a wall up where I don’t trust that I can be vulnerable and loving with him. But when I acted cold disconnected busy and like if I was in control he was so sweet. But I didn’t want to be like that it didn’t feel healthy or natural.

[@winegyalfitness5757]

I’m NOT going to accept this mess anymore! And he told me that I need to GO GET A MAN” and he is my husband. Smh and so I shall !!

[@amyludwig8685]

People who tolerate narcissists actually suffer the same belief.. That's why healing from this kind of abuse takes self love in true ways..

[@mellyjlovell]

Yes, I understand this now.

[@PebbleBeachSouth]

This is a good one, Lee. We may have empathy for the person who doesn’t think they’re lovable for who they really are; but who they really are (emotionally) is an 8 year old brat who wants to play with you when they want, put you back on the shelf (where you’ll STAY), leave to play with someone else, then come back to play with you some more - no questions asked. These should be unlovable traits for anyone, because we all deserve more. During arguments, my ex would often tell me he will never be good enough for me. He would say this expecting me to coddle him and tell him he’s wrong. I did that until he cheated and I finally told him he’s right - he’s not good enough for me. It’s difficult. I love him. But I definitely deserve better.

[@doloreswilfong416]

Out of all the hundred of videos I've watch this is one of the few that helped me understand. Its Weird how I have to hear things over and over again to get my head wrapped around this insane Situation and extremely painful situation I was in.

[@MentalHealness]

🙏🏽🙏🏽

[@Yesitsmandisa]

Same!!! So hard to wrap my head around like you really out the thought, time, and effort to get me to destroy for what.

[@kbnakids]

Omg. This is very good. Helps me to understand why this happened to me. He was getting angry suddenly and now that makes sense. He knew if I knew what he was doing behind my back I would not love him anymore and leave. He made it actually happen

[@slfox28]

Thanks Lee! I never thought of it that way!!!! I've been done with mine for over a year now. From a 10 year relationship. Thought I heard it all. Sometimes I still need to come back to narcissistic help because of the trauma he put on me. But I'm 80% better! Thanks for your help. This was my favorite episode of yours so far!!! It made perfect sense and I needed to hear it! And I don't love the real him! Sorry, not sorry.

[@angel2dogs]

Wow you have totally blown my mind saying we prove the narcissist right!! WOW! That is some kind of revelation!! THANK YOU!!!

[@MentalHealness]

you’re welcome

[@JJJRJJJ1]

Wow. Ok. Makes sense now. Thank you.

[@bellaluv4890]

WOW!! This is huge revelation to me!! I get it now why he says things like, "Forget about the beginning" and "it will never be the same as it was again". I get it, a different perspective now. Thank you🙏

[@MentalHealness]

You are so welcome

[@majorsolutionsllc]

A-MA-ZING episode Lee!🔥🔥🔥Wow! Hella deep!

[@ninanightnurse]

That is so on point Lee..its unreal! He was so different in the 1st 2months...why did he just not say from the start who he was?? At least you wud have known from the start what u were dealing with...instead of a lie😔

[@MentalHealness]

😞

[@Angel-gp6tx]

​@MentalHealness Lee you still respond to people like those bread crumbs you speak of...or love pops. 😂 CUT it out. Of course u can't give a thorough explanation or response to everyone but at least do it with a couple of your followers.

[@emmajackson5139]

He lied to get you. If you knew who he really was you wouldn't of been interested. They need validation not rejection

[@wifey8752]

Dang that makes soooo much sense and I never knew it

[@danielskyles6184]

Good word Lee

[@MentalHealness]

appreciate it

[@chriswalls5831]

They got issues

[@te6842]

I went from an overt narcissist boyfriend to a covert narcissist friend. These people are everywhere. Moving forward I'm being extra selective with who I choose to be apart of my life. Thank goodness for channels like this so we know how to deal with these evil people. You can't even sympathize with them because the minute you do that they will have you stuck. BLOCK AND DELETE !!!!!!!!!

[@MentalHealness]

‼️‼️‼️‼️

[@marvelouscookie1]

OMG! You described & confirmed everything I already knew about my possibly soon-to-be ex-fiance perfectly! His mother is a covert narcissist who's never loved & supported my fiance in the way that he needed growing up. Not only that, she raised my fiance to be her son-husband. She also likes to control & manipulate him like a puppet!! His mother was never loved & supported in the way she needed by her own mother (fiance's grandmother). So yeah, it's a generational trauma for that whole family. I believe my fiance is a great guy but his mother is sabotaging his life & he can't stand up to her & when he does try she "punishes" him smh!! I am so loving this episode!! Please do more episodes like this!!

[@norcal1009]

It's so awesome that you see all this now! Some ppl don't/won't/can't change for the better.

[@marvelouscookie1]

@@norcal1009 I just wish it didn't take 14 years to realize this but better late never I guess.

[@MentalHealness]

💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽

[@motherofintuitives]

this is so important to understand this is one of the less obvious insights and aha moments...but so significant.....I am always trying to really love someone despite any flaws and then only getting punished.....so now it feels weird restraining my love but then getting better outcomes less punishment......training myself to be less loving to people is challenging but worth it in some ways....

[@norcal1009]

It's so weird that something that once came so natural is under scrutiny. I know what this is like ❤️‍🩹

[@christinaalyse]

This is so true. When I would tell my husband I missed the being stages of our relationship he’ll get upset and say it was toxic. Lol I would be so confused when he said that, because in the beginning it was amazing. There was hella dates, excitement, flowers lol sweet cards and gifts the X was good. I’m getting a divorce tomorrow!

[@WalksfortheSoul77]

Great insights Lee. Thank you for helping us to understand the narcissist way of perceiving. Because it is mind boggling to those of us on the receiving end of everything. "They push you away and keep you at arms length, while the other hand has you chained by the collar so you won't get away." SPOT ON. I just went through a lot of the texts for the last month we were together trying to make sense of it all. He spent 80% of his time avoiding me and making excuses or even outright lies, then spent the other 20% of his time love bombing me or saying he's sorry and he wants to make it up to me. Which of course he never ever followed through on any of it. WHY? WHY spend so much time running away from me, making excuses, angry with me, and then cheating on me, when all you had to do was text months ago that you weren't happy and wanted to end the relationship. It would have hurt no doubt, but not wasted my time and messed with my psyche with all the daily insanity! A long time ago I had found out a past boyfriend cheated on me and while it hurt for sure I knew they loved me despite the betrayal. So for some reason it didn't hit me the same way. It's like the violation with the narcissist is more about finding out they never loved you then it is the actual cheating. It's finding out they actually despise you when you believed in them, loved them, wanted them. But once again. It's not you. It's them. Yes, I'm not perfect God knows I should go back to therapy too. But I tried, I had an open heart and dialogue (that he ignored) and I swallowed my own pride to try and work things out over and over again.

[@jenniferscott7960]

Yes! Punish the good in someone. Disgusting!!!

[@shirline.dumes19-lf5xn]

They love love love to emotional abuse their partner. Punish you..Silent treatment.. they get off to it. It's sick.

[@mackamacmillan5875]

Lee, this is the MOST ENLIGHTENING explanation for what happens in the narcissist's mind and their resulting behavior in the beginning. A lightbulb finally went off! I've never heard or read this insight anywhere. Thank you!

[@elizabethcampbell9474]

My ex husband told me frequently, almost daily, and at least weekly that I didn’t deserve him and he was a pos. Since the beginning of the relationship . And I always told him that I loved him more than he loved himself. It’s all come together for me now. I wish I just believed him.

[@xo_walkertxrngr]

Thank you so much Lee for your insight! I wish I had known what a narcissist was before I met this guy. I had a covert narcissist that’s in the military. I didn’t notice all of the red flags until it was too late. When he found out he was getting a new pcs we broke up but decided to stay friends. Of course I wanted to try a long distance relationship but he wasn’t having it. He said that his person has to be there physically so we agreed to stay friends. That lasted a year until he recently ghosted me. Now I’m thinking he used me until he got a pcs and it’s a cycle that he most likely continues every 2-3years. He never belittled or verbally abused me but he wouldn’t answer personal questions, never really asked me personal questions besides the initial questions we all ask and after the love bombing stage he would ignore me and play on his phone when I’d come over. He never addressed me by my name or pet names either. When I asked him about it he said he didn’t have a good enough reason to call my name but he’d do so in the future. That ended up not happening and so I brought it up again. He said he didn’t think it mattered via texts (even though I would always call him by his name and pet names as well. I eventually stopped because he said pet names was indifferent to him. Also texts were our primary way of contacting each other. He doesn’t like talking on the phone unless he has to.) I’d only heard him say my name once when he had a visitor over as he introduced me. Whenever I’d try to get to know him more by asking questions he would always say he doesn’t want to talk about it or he’d shut down and not respond just to text me the next morning just to start over. When I’d call him out on it by telling him ignoring certain things and starting over from scratch the next day doesn’t solve anything he’d just say he doesn’t deny that he’s done it before and start a new topic. When I’d tell him that I wanted to I want us to be able to talk through/work through things together and communicate effectively and honestly with each other no matter what he’d leave me on read or say that he’s stressed from work related things and that thinking and talking about how we feel is too much. I asked him once if he was afraid to get close to me and he said where is this coming from? I told him I’d been thinking about it. He never answered me. His birthday and mine were a month apart and he had moved to his new station by this time. Months ago he had said he hadn’t celebrated his birthday in a long time and that no one really cares about it.I sent him a super heartfelt text because I wanted him to feel special on his birthday. When my birthday came around he waited until around 9 o’clock to send me a gif that was totally unrelated. I didn’t text back until the next day and I was like did you know what yesterday was? He said your birthday. Happy belated. He even made plans with me the weekend before the week he was set to leave for his new station. When the time came to get together he didn’t respond at all. After about two days I drove to his house (we lived an hour away from each other) to check on him. He wasn’t there. I think he left on purpose because I texted him to let him know I was on the way. Two more days passed by with no contact and all I could do was cry. My mom ended up popping up at his house out of concern for me while I was at work and he was home. He texted me saying he had been on a camping trip and he hadn’t had a signal in days. He sent me a gif once of a minion shrugging and walking off. I told him I feel like he’d do me like that in real life and oh did he play the victim. Talking about it’s upsetting that I would think that and asking me if I think so little of him that I think he’d do that. I said I don’t think little of you but because you’ve ignored me plenty of times via text I think you would. I apologized for upsetting him and he continued to say it’s tough for him to go from negative to positive. He then said “okay everything’s my fault” which made me feel bad and once again and tell him nothing’s his fault and he went on to say that I know he’s bad with communicating. Since he’d travel a lot I would send him pictures of myself every once in a while of my daily life and when I’d ask him for pictures because I wanted to see his face he’d say he was self-conscious so he wouldn’t send any. The first time I told him I love him he said “I don’t want to get into it now but thank you” and when I asked him what does that mean he said he didn’t want to talk about it, that it’s stressful to think. I later asked him if it’s hard for him to love people. He said it’s not hard for him to love but hard for him to trust. He then said he trusts me. So I was like well if it’s hard for you to trust but you trust me why don’t you love me? He disappeared for days without answering. His many actions overtime did hurt me. I would be emotionally exhausted all of the time but I didn’t want to give up on him and I didn’t want to believe that he was a liar. I still didn’t know what a narcissist was at that point. I see that now ghosting me was a blessing! Only after him ghosting me do I truly see all of the red flags I missed. Now I need therapy 😩

[@joviedwards1064]

Very similar for me... but I stayed and now I'm broken as hell. Still don't understand my actions to this day.

[@xo_walkertxrngr]

I’m sorry to hear that😞 learning more about narcissism is what’s helping me but I still need to talk about how I feel. It’s crazy how they target us. He once told me that he chose me but now that I’m learning about who he is I see his words in a different light. I saw a video that said they tell on themselves overtime and now I see that for sure. I hope that we both will heal from what we’ve been through and that one day we experience the love that we deserve!

[@stephlm79]

Very interesting point on your twin.. a child’s temperament and thus perceptions in relation to parents plays a role perhaps.

[@aaronm.2718]

Lee is simply the man👍🏻✌🏻

[@Gracielaflores-g1fl]

I needed this info 16 years ago. Stay far far away from fake people nothing is worth all the pain you will go thru. They are not good enuf for you. Thank you Lee for helping us stay 💪. I apreciate all your efforts❤

[@MentalHealness]

💪🏽

[@justaskmomma1]

I am so very thankful and grateful for you being truthful and honest about who you are and your character!!!

[@MentalHealness]

Thanks for being here

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

Check your fawn response. Narky is always out there trolling for targets. Hang on to your wallet.

[@justaskmomma1]

@@sincere6358 well...at least he's not too ashamed to show his face. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@justaskmomma1]

@@whereisyourhumanity7557 please, go do something positive for humanity instead of negatively bashing someone else.

[@Blufnk]

The more I loved him, the more he hated me ....😢

[@Shanaevaz]

My ex did this. He use to tell me he never understood why I loved him he don't see why. I use to remind him he's human. An worthy of love. It's was hard I really liked him an was patient with him. But his trust issue his pull back his closeness his clingyness at times.pushed me away. Cause it gave me mixed signals.I also noticed an unhealthy narcissistics will rather be in a toxic relationship vs a healthy relationship. They punish themselves an they also punish you to keep you away from them while they punish themselves. I learned this just by paying attention to my ex They do alot of self sabotage because they don't see themselves as worthy. My ex didn't feel he was worthy to be with me. The truth is yah narcissistic people do tell you upfront they not good for us. But we tend to stay with them thinking we can fix them or change them. In my experience he would say things like I'm not good enough or why you want to be with me or i have a bad reputation We end up hurting ourselves trying to stay with them. An they try to hurt us because they feel we deserve it I observed my ex. We are surviours of narcissistics abuse . My mom always told me when someone tells you who they are believe them. Stop trying to fix who don't want to be fixed we not a psychologist or therapist

[@petterguevara6278]

Now I understand 😔 he told me so many times that he’s been a people pleaser his whole Life , is so sad to open your eyes like this , now I understand why he always treated me like that ! This shit really broke me , is even white to hear from a video but I’m thankful man ! This is why he was so in love with me at the beginning and at the end he literally was treating me like shit !

[@taajacooper-tt4zs]

This is powerful. Great message. Great insight.

[@MentalHealness]

appreciate it

[@KittyCatFurbabiesMaria1972]

I’m the same ….mine says hurts me cos the velocity how I love him as nobody has ever loved him the way I do , and it makes him feel uncomfortable because I’m “too nice “ he says

[@MentalHealness]

😞

[@KittyCatFurbabiesMaria1972]

@@MentalHealness hi Lee , hope you and family are well ❤️ Your vlogs really help ppl like me , Thankyou xxx

[@norcal1009]

They sound 'stuck' 🤔

[@KittyCatFurbabiesMaria1972]

@@norcal1009 he’s been like it with mr fir 4 and half years … I’m trauma bonded 😭

[@norcal1009]

@KittyCatFurbabiesMaria1972 stay informed and up to date. That helps.

[@rosameijering5161]

Thank you for the insight

[@DidemHoca]

We love and appreciate you so much! You deserve love more than you can imagine! ❤

[@MentalHealness]

thanks for being here ♥️

[@amyludwig8685]

You're on a great path Lee. Proud of the work you're doing!!

[@Moe-j2t]

Narcissism is weird. And it's very complicated. What do you do. RUN

[@MentalHealness]

🏃🏼‍♂️🏃🏼‍♂️

[@user-wu9oy1tp8p]

Great explanation 💯

[@mellyjlovell]

It's very sad and frustrating

[@miraclehands9040]

Lee you are becoming more and more humble and beautiful as you go on... thank you for your openness and transparent honesty. I did suspect this was the case with my x npd boyfriend. Is this phenomenon also fear of vulnerability/commitment? They are afraid of being seen for who they really are (as are a lot of people I believe) and if they are perfectionists, which they are, then they also think there is no room for imperfections- who can meet that expectation? They will forever be afraid bc they are also flawed. You are so right...this is not a sign to go back inot a relationship with them.. they have a lot of other issues like being willing to take responsibility for their actions, looking at their shit, etc which they are simply unwilling to do. They think at the same time they are better then everyone else (a coping mechanism in my view). So even while I still have feelings for him, I will absolutelyI not go back to him. Thank you.

[@angielaree5506]

i have been studying his behavior over the past year . after i came to the realization that this wasn’t normal average bad behavior lol that it’s was something mental going on so i began to study the pattern of behavior. once i found your videos the puzzle pieces came altogether. you teach so well on this subject. i may have to move on soon from my narc bc i know what i’m dealing with now . but until then i’m hoping and praying God change him the way he changed you Lee! 🙏🏽