Michael Cohen Testifies in Trump Trial, Trump's Matching Allies: Late Night's News of the Week

All the news and jokes you missed from the week of May 13.
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Michael Cohen Testifies in Trump Trial, Trump's Matching Allies: Late Night's News of the Week
• Michael Cohen Testifie...
Late Night with Seth Meyers
/ latenightseth

[@alphabrainwave]

Correction: The Chinese zoo wasn't painting dogs; they were dyeing dogs. Not to be confused with dying dogs, which can be found at Kristi Noem's farm.

[@anitatimmons9525]

Seth , Hey You & Stephen /Jimmy /Jon & John should all dress up in matching suits & go to the court house next week . THAT WOULD BE EPIC & BEYOND HILARIOUS ..... LMAO

[@beckydavis1820]

Agree!!

[@marshamariner7897]

They should try and have half of u in the courtroom and the other half outside....then switch after lunch😅😂😅😂😅😂😅😂🤮🤢🤬🍄🧠

[@mammawlee]

Dress up like women, but you know, good looking women, wearing colors flattering to your coloring.

[@RobVespa]

"He looks like a ghost that haunts other ghosts."

[@angelsindolly]

"The four treasons"😂😂

[@travisgessler6283]

He was so proud of himself for that concussion joke

[@teamvlcn6820]

Rightly so.

[@Bystander333]

Those Kristi Noem gags get me every time.

[@seantlewis376]

The Star Wars Oreo joke was the best of the week.

[@dm-heart]

emotional support turkey that I got for my half birthday.🎉

[@oldauntzibby4395]

The Star Wars joke was more subtle and requires some knowledge of the franchise history, whereas the turkey is not the joke you're looking for.

[@dm-heart]

@@oldauntzibby4395 AND… 1/2 birthday 🎉

[@InksplatOops]

The panda dogs are seriously adorable

[@franklinmarkram8284]

“Deck Stain” 🤣

[@margueritemccann8580]

Lots of favorites today, but this one was my most favorite favorite!!! MM

[@bold810]

Seth, you should tell Lindsey's MeeMaw stories about America, with the Sea-Captain, in the Covid-Attic. Miss them times.

[@dm-heart]

11:04 emotional support turkey that I got for my half birthday.🎉 well done. Kudos.👍

[@TheRealcdawg22]

"The average American has 5 reusable shopping bags." Why am I the only one at the checkout that is using them?

[@Y2B123]

More like the average American says they have 5 reusable shopping bags when asked.

[@whimsysmith2835]

Well I have about 30, so that’s five people without any just to average people like me out…

[@sidoniegabrielle269]

in my family's case, my mom left them at the house by accident and then i borrowed them to bring food and shoes to a housesitting job

[@TheRealcdawg22]

@@sidoniegabrielle269 The reusable bags can be used for just about anything. I use them for library/book bags too. The point is to cut down unnecessary waste like plastic bags.

[@mammawlee]

We forget them!

[@aandrus2169]

"Lost and found bin" 😂😂😂

[@jodyjm13]

The Celebrity Jeopardy line was the best joke of the week, I don't care what anyone else says.

[@TolyTheTolerBear]

The Four Treasons 😅😂🤣

[@basvleeskruyer]

Great monologue Seth!

[@ray.shoesmith]

The Four Treasons

[@trey3905]

i'm disappointed we didn't get an impression of mike pence haunting other ghosts. seth's pence voice is hilarious. / that star wars joke is so good because it's so true.

[@derkeheath5172]

I honestly believe Trump thought that Hannibal Lecter was the hero of "Silence of the Lambs".

[@marshamariner7897]

2 that lying pig Hannibal IS THE HERO🤮🤢🤬🍄🧠

[@mikehennessy6766]

he kind of was. without him Clarice wouldnt find buffalo bill

[@marcopaulo5052]

@@mikehennessy6766 So that’s one tuck and one no-tuck.

[@joachimschoder]

@@mikehennessy6766 If I remember correctly Hannibal Lecter murdered more innocent people in the movie than Buffalo Bill. That would be a really weird hero. And yes, I consider the faceless security card to be innocent.

[@JDrevolver66]

The FBI is always the bad guy for him…

[@amelliamendel2227]

With the Hannibal lecter thing, I'm just very curious did Trump not really know who Hannibal lecter is or whom's name did he mean and mess up?

[@madeleineprice9645]

@amelia - I try so hard not to be a grammar nazi but “whom’s”REALLY????

[@amelliamendel2227]

@@madeleineprice9645 No, whom's name is correct as he could of been referring to an organization of more than one person, nobody knows what he meant, lol

[@teshlafreeman4040]

Chow dogs painted like pandas lol

[@teamvlcn6820]

"MUI" is genies, and I will die on that hill.

[@TerrenceBoudreau-bf7cq]

Boevert can show up for Trumps trial but not her sons😂

[@Fronkensteinen]

That keeps her from doing damage in DC.

[@MS-we9lj]

"The Four Treasons" and "Magapella" lol

[@christopher8136]

Dog in witness protection from christi nome

[@bold810]

Kristy Nope.

[@IJayAmLegend]

*_"The Four Treasons"_* ...delightful. Subscribed, twice. Waxing, and not impiracle-y

[@Cancun771]

The worst thing about the Star Wars Oreos is the guy that keeps breaking into your home to add mustard and energy drinks and hot sauce and such to the first three ones.

[@xy6845]

He's clearly fallen to the dark side if that's what he favors on them.

[@ronaldmello1831]

His V.P. choices are between Hannibal Lechter and some guy out of Metropolis named Lex Luthor.

[@quesadilla79]

looove the Kristi Noem jokes

[@YeOldeSpellbooke]

@quesadilla79 Indeed! And also that your comment had the "Translate to English" add on. But when i clicked it, it did nothing 🤣 Guess YT got confused by "looove the Kristi Noem jokes" and thought it needed translation. Have a great day quesadilla79 :)

[@radicalross7700]

​@@YeOldeSpellbookeWhat do you mean it did nothing? It translated English to English, didn't it? 😂

[@dougofthewoodsdouglasb5505]

Me too! Kristi is cra cra! Noem sayin?

[@WendyPamphile]

Love you Mr Meyers. You make the G O P look so funny. You crack me up

[@anro7137]

I thought the “sidewalk sale” was a funny description but you surpassed it with the “lost and found bin”!

[@frogdogink4415]

Seth, your still the best! ✨️

[@cindygentry6821]

Loved your jokes zeth keep rockin😊

[@NeilCrouse99]

10:02, ... Matt Gates has always reminded me of "Quagmire", except Quagmire was an intelligent aircraft pilot. And Gates is ... well ... Not.

[@halwakka504]

Could someone explain the Ireland/Amazon bit? It went over my head.

[@Lycius]

Online shopping while drunk. You end up buying things you regret buying.

[@halwakka504]

@@Lycius Ahh gotcha. Thanks!

[@xy6845]

@@halwakka504 Which can often also happen when you're sober. So, wasn't the best one imo 😅

[@karenjeanmooney-kelleher8583]

Oh. Hurtful.

[@gryjffrs]

I don't think trump understands the Hannibal Lecter character, or that he's just a character.

[@wailinburnin]

Really good writing, Daily Show and Colbert teams also miking this era inspiring for comedy in a time of insanity.

[@xy6845]

Plus Kimmel. The Avengers of Late Night! 🦸🦸‍♀🦸‍♂

[@merrygangemi]

Nailed it on Gaetz!!

[@Pattiemarie3]

I laughed my arse off. Best joke in my opinion in a while was the skydiving,over a hundred yr old guy, his balls hitting the ground before he did. I am pretty old myself so feel no embarrassment at lol😮😂🤣good job to your writer and of course your presentation of the joke

[@sherinameless1618]

The writer was Scollins. He should not be enabled. 😉

[@bethb7965]

A former patient of mine(am a retired Occupational Therapist) who I took to the bathroom and helped onto the toilet hollered out, "my balls are in the water, it's cold!'

[@Pattiemarie3]

@@bethb7965 lol

[@typicalhguy9290]

I would fully support Hannibal Lecter as Trump's VP choice. A few months in, Trump's liver becomes foie gras, and we get a comparatively sane, law-abiding, intelligent new President.

[@toober1066]

comparatively! 🤣

[@jkap34]

Only if Trump wins

[@Pattiemarie3]

Yes in comparison to Trump. Maybe as a VP he could invite Trump to a private dinner 😉

[@andy21475]

Charles Manson found love after lock-up. So can Donny

[@marshamariner7897]

They never got married... CM said he knew she was using him✌️✌️🙄🙄

[@jaykay3784]

8:48 The stoner "aw man" might be the funniest thing Seth has ever said.

[@NECCO8001]

Dear Ukraine, the news may make it appear America is too corrupt to support you. Please know that many of us are horrified that unified political support for your efforts has collapsed. For the moment. Praying for you all, especially until we can vote in politicians that will fully fund and support you. You haven't been forgotten. Love, America's Silenced Majority

[@JimIBobIJones]

Lol. Dude. Ukraine is plenty more corrupt than any western country including America... don't get me wrong I support Ukraine in the war and we definitely should stand up to Russian fascism, but that doesn't somehow mean Ukraine isn't a country captured by Oligarchs and corrupt politicians.

[@sherinameless1618]

Seth's telenovela staring was superb. I would like to see more of the fiery hate triangle between Lauren, Matt, and George. I picture Lauren and Matt falling into a tempestuous affair, based on their love of Trump and distain for common decency. But Matt will soon dump her, because although she never graduated high school, she is 25 years too old for his tastes. But what of her feelings for Eric Trump? Tune in next week.

[@jopyhenriques8161]

who wrote the brain worm joke? lol

[@TommyTippy598]

Correction: Giuliani couldn't have been the line sitter since he is hiding out in his apartment (which is for sale) while trying to avoid being served a subpoena.

[@amelliamendel2227]

As a huge Stargate fan, the series not the movie, I'm convinced the brainworms ARE the aliens, but they keep failing to take over the right people😮

[@noreenconstantine4612]

Loved the "chorus"

[@dwdei8815]

Are there no Fridays in America?

[@dorothykidd2888]

I think the dogs were dyed to look like a panda because they were in witness protection from Governor Noem.

[@jeremyalexander9119]

Shes working her way up to pandas

[@lindawellner5415]

Just a rew more vows before the cake...lol

[@ShirleyYooGeste]

How about a no holds barred fight to the death match instead of a debate?😂

[@madeleineprice9645]

@shirley - Only if Drump’s weapon was a rubber Ruger 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫

[@user-eb4zi5hu1t]

Do you think Christie Noem thinks places that do Goat Yoga is a shooting gallery like at the fair?

[@mammawlee]

Maggapelo is my favorite

[@Christine-jz1qj]

I loved the dis (disrespect comments) about the elected political attendees at Trump’s election violation trial.

[@Shamrock3d]

Anyone else notice how much Seth's Trump impression resembles a Reagan impression?

[@Gram-ue3px]

Ask him about selling America's most sensitive secrets to the bone-saw kingdom

[@susanbarrett4603]

Always love Seth! But what’s with the laugh track?

[@JacoDeltaco]

honestly Hannibal would be a better leader than Trump

[@blakethebeast3174]

First I heard about the Star Wars OREOs, kind of hoping they don't do a lot of spinoffs of the product and I'd end up only liking the Mandalorian one.

[@krisfrederick5001]

Cross your fingers donald when you double cross your former fixer 🤞🏼

[@sherinameless1618]

During the show's two-week hiatus, the world should agree not to do anything risable or maddening.

[@joachimschoder]

There is a pretty good chance the verdict in Trumps first trial will come down early in their second week. Maybe even end of next week

[@DimitriOG-73]

Hannibal hector is from Mexico

[@carolinelouisebruines8792]

0:31 noooo, he says 'silence of the lamb'!! Not lambs! 😳

[@courtney-ray]

Correction : you said Golden bachelor when it’s the Golden bachelorette that’s premiering

[@kathycasey8497]

An NFL QB, initials TB, drove a golf cart down the George Bush Pkwy once. I was there.

[@XtoriezNovel]

If Seth were honest he would tell you about Jury Nullification!

[@phil-anthrophist3960]

How is someone allowed to fall asleep during a trial?? I get that it's better than him talking but surely you've gotta be awake for your own trial

[@sderoski1]

Walmart produces more concussion based sales of cheap crap

[@teacherdkennedy]

Where is corrections? Are you going to make us beg?

[@leeobrienjonesjr.6294]

I thought when he said it was gonna be good practice for Gates that he was talking about being with an experienced woman. Haha! Way to get me.

[@gcullerton3303]

CJ is a great concept- do a skit

[@bcb7443]

The GQP members of the House are sooo Crazy!! 🤪

[@MaxModded]

Seth, that joke was... killed... by your call-forward.

[@lesleyghostdragon3149]

9:25 = the instant Seth realizes what he's done..."Celebrity Jeobardy...oh crap...I said it with a 'b'..." JACKALS!!! ATTACK!!!

[@sherinameless1618]

That's the reason for the 2-week hiatus.

[@lesleyghostdragon3149]

@@sherinameless1618 😂

[@Vecun]

Am I really first? Finally. So many years in the making xD

[@sherinameless1618]

You will remember today as the happiest of your life, and so everything that follows will be ashes and disappointment. ☺

[@stopthecrazyguy9948]

Oreos has come out with a gluten free cookie. Like gluten is what makes Oreos unhealthy.

[@M.KEY_HEMIN]

😂😂😂😂❤

[@j3cruz1]

Every picture of Trump grosses me out

[@billyrodriguez1878]

He must like liver with onions and faba beans

[@cjdingojames3715]

😂 ❤ 😂

[@kyerinbennett8391]

How many literal “Ghost” jokes are you going to do this year lol jk well it’s almost Halloween 👻

[@avengingmime]

Everyone give it up for Donald Von Schitzinpants and his fabulous backup singers the FOP (Friends of Putin) 🎙

[@megmeyering2644]

🎉

[@dm-heart]

1:32 78 year old narcissistic psychopath w/massive debt. yup. And con man, cash extractor, wanna-be mobster boss name-calling bully.

[@SafetySpooon]

Lauren Boebert would go for him. Or kellyanne Conway.

[@xy6845]

To where? Jail?

[@velotraveler]

😅

[@merrygangemi]

The possibilities ofKristie Noem are endless---- endlessly tawdry.

[@stephenbasaija1319]

Seth, you don't perform a closer look. you do a sneaky look

[@lanaowens8028]

Are you on vacation again?

[@Doodelz02]

And 3rd ... (Would you REALLY say "impossible"?)

[@andyseaward8816]

Watching that compilation, I had a sudden realisation, maybe a deja vu: I think the worst is going to happen. We all get so complacent, Trump, Brexit. We laugh at it all. But then.... Brace yourselves!

[@sjs9698]

the problem with making things foolproof is that they keep building better fools ^^

[@DARWINZOO]

May 13th

[@djksfhakhaks]

How are there only 158 - now 159 comments on this.

[@katalystkatapatheticalyssa5987]

He needs to get the hell out of New Jersey. Leave us alone.

[@lindawellner5415]

Bravo on brain worm...gold medal

[@michaelrowsell1160]

The four treasons .

[@crystalshaw8744]

It's the massive debt that would be a deal breaker for me. Everything else...meh...giggle

[@JDrevolver66]

That court drawing of Trump sleeping is way to forgiving of his weight; it looks more like a melting wax sculpture of JFK’s corpse.