What are some of the best out-of-context quotes from your campaigns? part 6

[@postaldude1200]

“You’re a werewolf, your best friend is a vampire, your biological father is the LITERAL *GOD OF CHAOS,* and you’re telling me you don’t believe in fairies?”

[@HUNR-up4gt]

i've heard crazier stuff, some stuff that made me wonder what folks were on at times, but this...i require context.

[@praxusprime5392]

"Let me guess, he don't believe in da moon either."

[@jebkerman5422]

No you can not use a clone spell to resurect Vecna and farm Vecna clones for infinit eyes and hands of Vecna. No you can not pick up the dog and use him as a shield. I don't think most DMs would allow you to flavor a Broom of flying as a B-17 Flying Fortress. Oh a magic book. This might be usefull... I cast firebolt on it. GHETH TO ZHE CHOPPEHR. In my headcannon, whenever my character casts haste, what he realy do is slam a pack of cocain into someones face. Can I cast enlarge on someones d*ck to give them advantage for persuation rolls? No you can not mix two bottles of acid to create a giant cloud of Cyanide gas. Wait, if I cast Mendig on a plaque, wouldn't it just errase all the carvings? Good point. The Ancient, historicaly important plaque is now empty.

[@littlevirus3562]

Oh! Something similar happened in my campaign: Rogue: Big rats? That's gotta be a legend, there's no way it's rea- My character Jessie (a kid): WAIT WAIt hold on hold on! We are talking to a vampire, we have a werewolf and a magic user, we fought a GIGANTIC FAIRY! And you don't believe that a unusual sided rodent is REALISTIC?!?!?! Rogue: now that you talk like that way... Yeah, it doesn't sound unrealistic anymore

[@EvilAutisms]

Reminds me of my plague demigod player who’s father was death and mother/other father was life, his best friends were a guy from space with wings and a tiefling thief, the newest party members were a gnome that controls plants and a dragon person with a double sided blade that can change what element it uses to attack, he had a pretty good intelligence score and this mufucker and his entire party believed the bbeg’s explication for getting them to collect magic items which was and I quote “I’m something of a historian myself.”

[@ShrankTheFirst]

Cleric 1: "Father, you're drunk. Here, 'Protection From Poison'" Cleric 2, slurring: "Counterspell..."

[@ShennaTheShinyEevee]

"no, no, I don't sell guns to children, I sell guns to orphans. Totally different"

[@trueblade39]

"It doesn't matter if he's a half-elf. If you eat him it's still cannibalism. Cannibalism is not something that's done in half-measures."

[@Scorpious187]

Oh my goodness, that's hilarious!

[@rustyshackle8000]

*slams down fist* DWARVES DO NOTHING IN HALF MEASURES

[@benitoswagolini3410]

"No half measures, waltuh"

[@Catarinasunnergren]

Cassandra: "So you don't know who made you?" Creed: "We all have our makers. You were made by lusts of the flesh." Cassandra: "Are we really going to sit here and talk about my parents' fleshy lusts?"

[@lurkyb0i602]

“Let me get this straight, you thought it was a good idea to let the paralyzed gnome drive the carriage?”

[@ShrankTheFirst]

The priestess: "Lay bare your regrets" The bird: "I regret the hundreds we sacrificed in the name of our cause" The paladin: "I regret the bird" The bard: "Yeah, so do I"

[@Catarinasunnergren]

Caria "Don't worry Charity, I'll put a leash on him so he can't just run off." Harding "I thought we agreed not to use leashes since we almost choked the halfling to death last night."

[@humanprobably]

"No, I won't sleep with you, I'm not THAT gay" "The gods are on my side" *proceeds to take of his overcoat, revealing the faces of all the gods sewn to the sides of his shirt* "I make vague insults about his ancestors" *rolls nat 1* DM: "the insults are good, but you mix up his mother with you own"

[@ShrankTheFirst]

The Monk: "Now tell us where Glasstaff is!" DM: "You say, as the man clutches his staff made of glass"

[@ExorienGaming]

The Bard asking a giant: "Are you a dragon? Legally you have to tell us if you are." The Bard to the Cleric: "Let's dig his grave- I mean contemplation hole." The Paladin: "I touched ALL the balls!" The Artificer: "Do you have change for a platinum?" The Fighter/Rogue: "Yes! Now I don't have to look at books anymore!" Spotify Ads: "An era is over."

[@Catarinasunnergren]

Lasyr: "This is... uncharted territory." Sapphire: "Oh I'm all about that, look at me, I am super uncharted!"

[@jamesrowell901]

Sorcerer-"I don't care if its a troll, I said I wanted Chicken for dinner and he's the first creature we came across" *Casts Baleful Polymorph ````````` Barbarian-"Look ill give you a ten count head start, but I got to warn you I can only count to two." ````````` Bard-"So how do you feel about Gnomes?" Elf-"I only date tall guys" Bard-*Holding a scroll of Enlarge Person* "Gimmie a chance, I promise Ill grow on ya" *winks*

[@johnrimes9311]

"ha, idiots. I can't be put to sleep. I'm an elf" -Gravna, seconds before disaster DM-"A solid rock ironing board hits you on the head as you now pass out from a concussion"

[@blazeofglory2882]

"Jimmy, Jimmy. You cant interrupt me when im praying to candle god." - My Kobold Hexblade

[@koryh9802]

"BARBARIAN, GET IN MY MOUTH, IF YOU WANNA KILL THE BRAIN LIZARD" -One cracked out beholder NPC during a fight

[@viodre6652]

"So my character has an ac of 20, a rideable steel defender backpack of holding, and a turret all on his back. Man's now a literal tank"

[@rolandogutierrez6152]

Nah, just a walking A10 warthog, it's a tank if you have a cannon and covered in armor

[@SamWeltzin]

"The way the stars intended, your meat stored into your fur." - Grazer of the Cosmos "Oh no, he turned into an alligator, because of the avalanche!"

[@MudDragon723]

In Character: “I cast summon creepy grandma!” Out of Character: “What? A Sea Hag is a fae creature of CR 2 or lower!!” “Congratulations, y’all have successfully opened The Container of Poor Judgement.” “It has bug-mouth-face and is trying to eat me!!”

[@ceo3238]

Popped in my quote channel to see what my players wrote down in my game. "I got some PTSD in that area" "I'm well on my way to be a creepy creature from beyond" "Ignore your concerns, ask your questions, and prepare for your comments to be worthless" "I don't have all the time I'm the world!" -the literal god of time

[@Gamer88334]

To be fair, the god of time probably has a schedule to keep. Hey, we don't know what his life is like. He could have responsibilities that we aren't aware of.

[@admiraltonydawning3847]

@@Gamer88334 We'll know when Hades 2 rolls around.

[@atomictomfoolery4400]

“Hey guys, wanna see me fire this thing?” “That’s a ballista and the goblins on 2 health.” “Oh okay… I aim for the groin”

[@rolandogutierrez6152]

Whyyyy?

[@littlevirus3562]

@@rolandogutierrez6152 because rule of cool and rule of killing something with something that can kill a god on a 1/2/3 health goblin baby!

[@rolandogutierrez6152]

@@littlevirus3562 oh I know that, I'm asking why the groin, I mean that's just an insult to those who can see them closely to what happened

[@atomictomfoolery4400]

@@rolandogutierrez6152 apparently it was funny so he decided that would be the best thing to do. Unfortunately that pc is still much alive and the goblin very neutered and dead

[@rolandogutierrez6152]

@@atomictomfoolery4400 oh I highly doubt that golbin survived without his goblibits, but I have a feeling that,that pc, is going to get it the same way somehow

[@BeanLord69]

“I should’ve brought more lions” NPC - “This is a gun” Eltoris - “Why is this a gun?” NPC - “Y’know, no one’s ever actually asked me that before” Both quotes by Eltoris Daewraek, Shepherd Druid

[@trained_jolteon4988]

Here's a few favorites from my group: "Peer pressure is so cool, we should do this all the time!" "Cat...derogatory" "Ms. Leaf Vision, asshole!" "They're POTATOES, LAD." "You grabbed one of it's nipple clamps."

[@13thMaiden]

Paladin:. "STOP FEEDING HER DEAD BODIES!!" Me:. "Mmm...crunchy!"

[@anwd8646]

The tale of the sapient and intelligent mimic expanded. Not gonna spoil context, you already gave it in another comment section anyways.

[@lbpblitz]

"You hear the thundering of approaching footsteps when from around the corner comes a familiar drunken Scottish halfling werewolf riding a sled pulled by a team of 5 angry honey badgers covered in war-paint. The guard is bowled over and very quickly torn to shreds."

[@MasterZebulin]

Awesome! 😎

[@connormeriwether4486]

No wonder that guard was torn to shreds, there was a werewolf and 5 of an animal that can fight off a Lion from time to time.

[@kellythekitty5190]

This gem came from the campaign me and my friends are in "it's not kidnapping, it's forceful adoption" Context: We found a raccoon in-game. We adopted it, and now he's part of the party. We just. Casually have a little raccoon on the party now.

[@Nyghtking]

Here's a couple: "He's the literal Anti-Murder hobo" "Release the chickens!" "Can I roll roll to run over the hobo?" "So i'm sitting in the drive way smoking all my meth." "is no-one going to bring up that i'm burning a cross?" "Jesus is on my side!" "You could try launching yourself at them with the cart." "Who drank the ranch?" "A tiny skeleton using a normal skeleton as a mech suit." "If we set the chantry on fire the other town will see it and know something's up."

[@amberkat8147]

I have actually drank ranch before.

[@archmageknight5829]

"We are not giving crack to the 16 year old!" Also "My entire character was built to make chloroform."

[@SymbioteMullet]

Here's a few out of context quotes from games I have known: "Crack its head off with your staff between my legs again!" "Oh, wait, i've just wished him craftsmen..." "Why does this sword summon a fire-breathing duck?"

[@lucielm]

The better question is, "Why don't we all have a sword that summons a fire-breathing duck?"

[@SymbioteMullet]

@@lucielm actually, on that point, we never figured out the robotic duck, that quest never got resolved. I'll have to track the DM down and ask. (It was a different but related duck, I think the DM was going through a phase...)

[@magenstaffarts]

"Listen, it's not my fault the fey took my attention span."

[@boomkruncher325zzshred5]

“Please, BEFORE you go invading our minds… please just ask consent first.” What the animated skeleton wizard said to the Crystal Dragonborn (he was REALLY into Psionic Mind and really pushed the limits of it).

[@sagescarletwing4330]

"What do you mean I can't suplex Baphamet?" "It's not genocide if no one likes them." "Dose a 39 hit?" "Yes, the rat is no more."

[@InquisitorThomas]

Note: This person was a new player. Player: “Okay I want to sneak up and cast snare and use it to subdue the enemy.” DM: “Okay, what’s the casting time.” Player: **Without Hesitation** “Eight Hours.”

[@E-6969]

And my brain has just gotten nuked

[@backonlazer791]

I'm just imagining the caster following the target for 8 hours xD The casting time is actually 1 minute, but it would be a silly scenario anyway.

[@Jessie_Helms]

“This guys biggest crime is being 16.” “He likely murdered 2 people.” “His second greatest crime is being 16.”

[@Atma_Weapon]

"Oops. Shoulda used white chalk. Uh-oh. Sulfur is never good. A fire? That wasn't supposed to happen." me, playing a curious and inquisitive kender with a knack for bumbling into and out of trouble, who also tried to draw a protection spell on the floor.

[@timbitslunatic6319]

Dm: “You hear it Clittering above you” Dm: “You see the Paladin healing you, and the Tortle groping you”

[@GymbalLock]

Ducky: dry heaving... *belch*... sticks head out window Griffin: "Ducky, NO! Not over the playground!.....Sorry, kids down there!"

[@Catarinasunnergren]

Sapphire: "What is happening? Did he just say he was super duper sorry about MURDERING YOUR FAMILY?" Harding: "He did. Maybe he's changed. Maybe he's sorry." Sapphire: "So he brings us a ham?" Harding: "He could be trying to make up for what he did." Sapphire: "He is not going to do that with a ham, Harding!" Harding: "I don't know, maybe two hams?"

[@zinmaster24]

"My name is Bucket, and I'm a Knife Wizard!" "You guys really want to give this ring to.... Bucket?" DM: "You feel the room get darker around you and your feeling a shift in your alignment." Me: "I'm only a Cleric through circumstance."

[@kawiianimekitty7472]

"No we are not pissing in the canal to float it downstream to piss off the wild elves"

[@childofthecity6181]

Small note: spelljammer. "Can I use Sharpshooter on a barrel?" "I have become Death, The Destroyer of Worlds." "We literally have a ballista for that." "I don't touch it THAT hard!" "Where is my femboy alchemist?!" "He's BBEG now." *Input Darth Vader screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO".*

[@strongestcardaceofspades]

"I- This is stupid! It can't possibly work!" "It *does* though! Do you want to check my math?" "...I want to put in my two weeks."

[@hexagonalchaos]

I once had to say to my players “Okay, you hotbox the cave with the boss summoning drug flower”

[@meadowsinfernocompany1482]

Man, nice to finally catch a new video (edit: another quote; Rouge: Why do you keep casting fireball into large crowds?! I'm usually hiding! Caster: Guess that's why fireball's are designated to "whom it will concern"

[@Drunken_Monke]

"I don't care if he's a genocidal maniac he owes me 40 gold."

[@tabletopgamingwithwolfphototec]

*"The iceberg is coming at you intently"* *"I'm taking notes"* *"here's my notes"* *"So you are going to fireball a group of dragons"* *Ohh no, not more owlbears"* *"Where are all the goblins coming from?"* *"DM/Me : @ the raging barbarian , Your allies are in the doorway" ( happens to many times )* *Player : "Not judging but why are their two gnome kings"* *"Me/DM as a gnome inventer : It sounds like you are judging them"* *"Me/player : Some times time is stuck on a outcome"*

[@councilofcringe5520]

"I hugged a mind flayer and lived to tell the tale, what are you gonna do that's any worse than that?"

[@Lenoh]

“I make the boat, I choose the music, and my sailors sing nothing but Alestorm. That or you can make Swim checks until you die. Your choice.” Hanspur’s Flotsam Vessel and Skeleton Crew, fuck yeah.

[@alexmcmahon9420]

“We can either work together or fight, but we are absolutely not talking this out.”

[@szkox4000]

you even got accen perfectly on "i use grandpa to tame the wolves" lol

[@dannyzninjawriter9653]

I have so much stuff to retort/add to, but I'm going to stick the most basic one: Drunk dwarf speaking: "You damn high elves think your better than me!" Drunker Elves: "We ain;t high! We're Drunk Elves!" Drinking contest ensues.

[@mittens-cat-lord]

“Did you just… bottle flip a bear?” “No… bottle flips weren’t invented yet” “Did you just invent bottle flips… by flipping a bear?” “Man, this party is wild!”

[@YesThatWasa]

"For you, a flute that can rivals dragons breath. For you, a stone to infuse yourself with demonic powers that compliments your magic! For you, powers to bring you closer to your goal of lichdom. And for you, a sandwich."

[@jordanpickering6912]

"Why are you interogating the Dragon about his lairs health code violations? OSHA isn't going to kill him for us"

[@Catarinasunnergren]

Elonine: "Your healing abilities... They have served you well but it troubles me not to know where they come from... or if they have a price. I will try to learn more about them." Darnak: "Please tell me if you want to try something." Elonine: "You.. Think I wish to stab you?" Darnak: "Just give me fair warning." Elonine: "I'm not going to stab you, Darnak!"

[@praxusprime5392]

*"Halfling" player throws Rune of Summoning at leader of a Tiamat cult, then runs away while Mario-screaming*: "MOOOOMMAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tiamat yelling at cultists: "Which one a-y'all been hurtin' mah bay-beh!?!?!"

[@benjaminehren7965]

“imagine a lime taped to your cargo shorts” me trying to explain the metaphysical implications of one player absorbing the raw essence of pain into their weapon. even with context it still makes no sense, and my players still give me crap for it.

[@Jamie_Coleman]

"Dude, my Judgements are BROKEN!" "Does the AIDS i gave you affect them?"

[@BlondieHound1]

"You are not Putting crocodiles in the Bag of holding." -Me, the DM to the Druid. "So you set all the beds on fire" -Me, the DM to the Druid. "Oh no, I don't squawk as a bird. I SAY Squawk as bird" -The Druid "Yeah, he's essentially a Slavic folk story with the shit he does." -Me, the DM talking about the druid.

[@broomthegodofdestruction561]

“Why the hell are you riding a bouncing chess and why does it have teeth” -tie fling paladin

[@Ariyala]

*shopkeeper screams in the background* "He shoulda taken the money."

[@Catarinasunnergren]

Revina: There were two birds, a good bird and a bad bird. The bad bird attacked the good bird. Qenmar: Revina you are not making much sense.

[@minimishapsgames894]

"No, I think it went - the Archmage puts you back in the real world, the volcano temple crumbles to the ground, the Yetis are confused, and then the princess proposes to the Paladin." "Can the tiny Centaur ride in my pouch-house?" "I skewer turnips onto the silent singing dagger." "Rufu's Tutus sells shoelaces, yes." "I rub the troll's back, and will make up a song to..." (Monk interrupts), "WAIT I HAVE THAT BARD ROCK THING THAT INSPIRES FOR THIS ONE!" "I cast Catapult on the Dragon's loose tooth." "I cannot be killed, I am the new owner of the Cannot Be Killed Tavern." "I cast Prestidigitation on his stupid face."

[@Redtail45044]

"No, you may not pet the creature." "T'will be but a single friendly boop upon its noggin!" ~Party discussions

[@brandontsosie4514]

"Oh yes my relative did create that he was renamed butt chuggington the third after that"

[@robertheinrich2994]

somehow this reminds me about something I heard at the channel of skydieray. DM got the info about vecna, and incorporated it into his own campaign. so, there is schmeckna. He tried to become a lich but realized that the head was becoming evil, so he cut it off... the players found the body without head trying to solve the situation. the head (vecna) is trying to get world domination or something). fast forward a year (in reality) and they track down vecna on the astral plane, about to do his ritual. disturbed by the party, vecna spots schmeckna, and says: "this is some body that I used to know".

[@JamisonthaBRO15]

“Who pissed my pants?” - our Variant Human Monk

[@davidluong3251]

“I have a army” “We have a GigaChad horse”

[@hayhay509]

this is from the shadowrun game i'm in. "Okay, how are we gonna get his attention?" "lets knock on the door and say candy delivery!" "...candy delivery? at 11 o clock at night?" "I knock on the door and say candy after dark delivery"

[@Legendi-chan]

Me in absolute distress "You're actually taking my sock away?!?"

[@fixed2113]

Player trying to figure out what creature they are going against: “Is it *insert creature*” Me (DM): “No I home brewed this one.” Player: “God f*cking Dammit! No!”

[@hohenburg5497]

Some of my favorites include but are not limited to: "Am I racist enough to cast Speak with animals on a Hobgoblin." "Holy Sh*t what did I smoke when writing this plot?"

[@amberkat8147]

Let's see, from mine there are: "Um, can I knowledge local the lock?" said by a rogue, and not a good one. "No, I'm not taking time to pull my pants up. I'm going to hop around the battlefield with my pants around my ankles shooting at them." "The dragon starts talking about how soft and adorable it thinks the catfolk is." And I'm probably forgetting a lot.

[@micaldomlancer1494]

"It's not kidnapping if she agrees to come with us." Said about an 8 year old noble girl we took on an adventure to the church to help get a certain group within the church into power.

[@gokification]

"Since seeing the other thing the other day, I don't think they're that big..." - Shride (my character) "God damn children should have tried to eat us!" - Shride

[@Gamer88334]

Wait, "should have"? You WANTED them to eat you?

[@DawnzeenaMcGill]

My best out of context quote: “I yeeted him at a gnoll” Follow up best “When his stomach is ripped open and stuffing falls out you’ll be the one telling Fairy Tales!” If anyone wanted the context just ask I’ll explain

[@somedudewithaniqof2795]

One context please

[@DawnzeenaMcGill]

@@somedudewithaniqof2795 which one? Or doesn’t it matter?

[@somedudewithaniqof2795]

@@DawnzeenaMcGill all of them

[@DawnzeenaMcGill]

@@somedudewithaniqof2795 Alright, so the first one my ranger Annie was asked where her rabbit, Scruff was by someone who doesn’t like Scruff and was worried she’d brought him with her again. Scruff is actually an enchanted stuffed toy rabbit given to her by her elven mother during one of her visits to Annie and her human father. Scruff protected Annie from a witches curse as a child; however he took on the curse himself and at night he becomes a demonic little rabbit that wreaks havoc if he’s not given a sock or copper coin to eat right when his transformation starts; however most people in Caer Koning believe he’s a real rabbit due to him being enchanted and lifelike. Annie said this to the same person when she said she should just kill Scruff and sell his meat for coin, but told her to stop telling fairy tales when she reminded her that Scruff isn’t a real rabbit, but an enchanted toy. Scruff is actually based on Plushtrap from FNAF 4 and I have no clue how my dm let me get away with it

[@PhoenixofEclipse]

“Just a reminder: The whirlpool is no longer blinded.” “I wish to dabu dee dabu die…” “Can I use fireball to make this thing go faster?” “I would like to shove the cart to make it speed up.” “I would like to seduce the owl!” “Ok gang, who’s up for a rousing session of Offices and Managers?”

[@darkkitty2830]

Oh man, I have many. "Roll for lactation." "While the catnip grieves keep you from having a DIY amputation, the cleric is still going to chew on your arm." "If you go 'Evil Owl', I will give you advantage on intimidation." "Suddenly, you see the drunken monk riding an enraged bear that was once your owl friend." "CURSE YOU CEILING MAGICIANS! " "All the guards are now zooted as fuck from the edibles that the granny gave them. Never trust the cleric to make food." "WEED CALMS HER DOWN, CATNIP IS LIKE CRACK!" "The baby dragon seems tired of your shenanigans." "WE ARE NOT FEEDING THE ORPHANED KITTEN IT'S PUREED FAMILY YOU MONSTERS!" "Congratulations, the cleric has now turned over half the encounter into a smoothie." ""I think she just invented a new type of war crime.' 'SHE CREATED A CORPSE BLENDER, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT??!!"'

[@ashbradshaw6835]

List of my favorites, same campaign. No particular order "There's no fucking trees love, they're not real!" "He is chucking his soul at a ghost, but it's better than chucking a rock at a ghost!" OOC "The left one's the wizard!" "Tits are holy and only a wizard would make their tit a poison sac!" "Yeah, I'm definitely faster than a baby." "Scribius doesn't have a Dex score, they're a pen." OOC "They can be French if they want to be." OOC "Because the government is also dragons." OOC "I am two levels higher, and twice as stupid." OOC "The pen passes the Harkness Test." OOC "I didn't ask, I begged." (This is NOT what you think it means) OOC "You always need to have radiant light come out of your tits." OOC "Do you know what bees are?" "Stop being gay before you reawaken a character's trauma!" (The character was mine) OOC "I am.. a little bit.. quadrapedal." "Nova (me) becomes a roadrunner but backwards and slow, beep beep." OOC "Horse go beep beep." OOC "You can only die so much." "I am going to make the strategically bad decision as a Warlock and use a spell slot." OOC "Gwyf is only marginally taller than a subway sandwich." OOC "You summoned a goddess?" "On accident!" (It was me who did it) "Local demigod signs a contract with an 8 year old." (Yeah I did that) OOC "This is one of the stupidest things I've done in this game." "You've done dumber." OOC

[@SolaceHuntsman]

Me as the DM to a player describing their eldritch blast killing blow: “so, you edge this guy to death” Yes I knew what I was doing.

[@SolaceHuntsman]

Okay so I actually just checked the quotes channel of my discord server for more stuff my players said. Here’s one of my favorites. “I’ll say it again, I will raw dog some cookie dough” “We’re not condoning gay on gay crimes” “It’s Chekov’s cumgutters. Once you mention them, they have to arrive later”

[@Catarinasunnergren]

Harding: "Hey, Sepp, say hello to this wonderful lady!" Septimer: "Hello miss wonderf- I mean miss Lady- I mean what's your name?"

[@starrybook]

"Rose would you PLEASE sit down??" "Why should I? Someone can't handle my appearance?" "No you're crushing the bard beneath your feet."

[@CroobieLetter]

"We're going to need to find a shop and ask for a magic saddle so the cavalier can mount the dwarf, oh, no you don't understand, she wants to ride his snake, oh, no you don't understand, it's green."

[@dysphoria_1.040]

"I would like to spit on my boot and punt the rat into the ceiling."

[@dungeonsanddacnomania4731]

Sorry for long post, but I have lots of good ones. I have kept a list. - Player: I would like to steal something on this Bandit. DM: What? Player: His soul. - I just realized....I killed a lot of people - I unclench my hellsphincter and release the armies of the Abyss - Your armor is made out of macaroni and cheese, and it's better! - I don't eat pre chewed hands - You may have killed me, but I bet you won't do it again. - Anyone have something they are willing to sacrifice? An appendage perhaps? - I'd like to take whatever gold is on the naked guy and run out - I never said he wasn't the Devil, I just said he's an optimist. - You underestimate Dwarven artillery - I "wonk" at him secretly - The problem with you kid is being alive is gonna get you killed, so we're going to make you unalive so you don't get dead. - I am resistant to a great many things...God is not one of them - We've been trying to reach you about your blood's extended warranty - You ain't gettin any wizard treatment - That's a misplaced marsupial if I've ever seen one - Player: you got a basement in here? NPC: yeah Player: can I see it? - Fetish Unlocked, take my strong foot - We don't negotiate with Awnings

[@frosteelx7633]

“Your character is now in love it Lucia.”

[@Nidhwal8me]

"Sorry I'm fresh out of human corpses is pepsi ok?"

[@sarunokoguard211]

Dragon- Why are you looking at me with such a wierd face, or are you just constipated? Bard- (trying and failing to cast detect thoughts) No, I'm just trying to see if I've made you mad. Dragon- If you'd made me mad I'd have eaten you by now.

[@EvilAutisms]

Me: “Asmodeus grows 12 arms out of his back and flips you off with all of them” The bard: “I cast minor illusion to create 10 arms and flip him off with all of them.” Little bit of context: Asmodeus exits his room after making the party wait an hour for him to come out of the room to get the a boat to escape hell Asmodeus: “sorry I was doing stuff.” A human wearing strange clothes(a hoodie) sticks his head out of the room and says “I’m stuff.”

[@viviangrimm6105]

From a campaign that happen recently “The two of you watch as the 8-foot giant picks the goose up and throws it so hard into the vent, breaking the vent. You watch as the goose just walks, seeming enjoying the throw.” And then further down. “Jim just destroys the front doors of the building.” “OH FUCK,it’s the middle of the day. The entire mall is staring at you.”

[@MadWritter]

"Cartoon Action Hour: Season 2" = "They caught a flying fish!"

[@manmadethings6986]

"I want to trade one of my balls for 50 rations" It did not go well but we did end up with 350 lbs of corn after the event

[@zacharyzurawski5516]

Been in a few campaigns that fizzled out or left due to undesirable behavior. Finally in a campaign that feels like it's going to last. Just had our first session last weekend and we had some gems. "You'd look better as a stain on the bedsheet" -Me, the satyr bard, casting vicious mockery on a pirate. "Sure, the goodberry suppository will give 2 HP of healing" -the DM after my wife (wood elf ranger) asked if she can shove a goodberry up my ass while I was on death saves...causing a discussion among a table of STEM grads about the increased efficacy of suppository medicine vs oral medicine.

[@TheRoseWolf]

"So, just asking, y'all are dating, right?" "The rest of the guards and us are in an agreement."

[@MitchT97]

“Yeah I guess you can give the chicken a level in a class of your choice since he killed the vampire frog.” “The chicken rages.” “Malbis please put the cat down this is obviously a trap.” “You’re pretty sure you did in fact convince the bandit to go back to the wizard academy in Neverwinter.” “And with that failed save he digests the Baba Yaga.”

[@daffodilduck9145]

"I'm spending rest time, doing your mother." "How many babies can you fit in the average basement?" "You can be a warlock and have two dads. A dad and a *daddy*." "We must go to the shop to buy socks for the short one."

[@Catarinasunnergren]

Revina: Where are you and your uncle going to sleep tonight? Some inn I suppose? Kerberon: That was the plan originally. Unfortunately, we burnt it down. I hope we don't make a habit of it...

[@Catarinasunnergren]

Effie: "He's a musician!" Faramar: "So he's a beggar?" Effie: "No! He's a drummer!" Farmar: "That's what I said..."

[@GingerNinja0424]

"My grandfather told tales of a creature that sounds similar back in the area around my home town. It was called the 'O-hio'o (oh hee oh oh) grassman" - Dad DMing random NPC.

[@NikemanBOOM]

“So you’re telling me… the blood-red sword you’re holding, still dripping, was not used to stab the bartender right over there, with the obvious stab wound and blood trail leading right to you.” “….yes.” “Roll initiative.” “Shit.” The arcane trickster has been rolling like complete and utter shit all night lol.