What are some of the best out-of-context quotes from your campaigns? part 7

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[@tinydiicethief2227]

"So if we use the baby as ammunition...."

[@AzaloonyToons]

Tell me more.

[@BuffaloBaymax2187]

Both are from the same campaign, about 5 min apart: "That tree has 'Resting Birch Face'" and "Try to make a solid ring of poop...a dookie donut, if you will." Details available upon request

[@TheBadAxe]

Context, please.

[@markuhler2664]

No context please. It might make sense and that would ruin it.

[@TheBadAxe]

@@markuhler2664 then... Don't read the context?

[@morissaedwards7348]

I'm here for more details lol

[@jdizzlegaming1178]

The dookie donut has me losing it

[@fiascothe63rd]

My favorites are: "We should keep stealing these chairs" "No, Jack has to roll initiative for the moon" "You hit it a second time. The negoi is now evenly toasted" and, from a game happening nearby: "Oh no! Minus two!" followed by the entire table cheering

[@ShinSquall]

"You don't need medical equipment for consensual bloodsucking" Also (We were looking for a Baatezu) Our resident tiefling : I cut my hand and use the blood to scrible runes on a door nearby. DM: What are you trying to do exactly? Tiefling : I'M CALLING THE FAMILY LAWYER, okay?! DM: ...Roll religion (nat 1) DM : You forgot the number.

[@leaf0nthewind625]

Me: “No we can’t do that’ll violate the Space Geneva Convention!” Other Player: “Wait that’s actually a thing in this world?! I thought you were joking!!!” Me: “Deploy, Florida Mech!”

[@shawnmorgan6791]

still my favorite "you can't eat the nun"

[@davidschmelz8061]

This happened four weeks ago. We have a VERY enthusiastic player playing a moon Druid for the first time, and having a blast. Third level, his “go to form” is giant frog, and he loves to swallow enemies whole and doing digestive/acid damage. He’s so confident in this, when we were facing off with bandits and we were trading threats, he blurted out (in human form) “I’ll have you know I’ve swallowed bigger men than you!” This got some uncomfortable looks from both parties, the player Immediately realized what he said, and the supposedly “mature” 55 year old man sitting across from them collapsed in a giggling fit that lasted five minutes. As soon as he calmed down, which took five minutes because when we would try to continue and he relapsed we would lose it as well, the bandit leader gave us a confused look and said “Wait, is this supposed to be a threat, or a bribe?!?” We have many levels to go, and I can ensure you, dude will live it down.

[@paulhiggins6433]

Dm.exe has crashed. Reloading. Dm.exe has crashed. Lmao

[@flooferdooper6206]

I also would've collapsed into a giggling fit so I don't blame 'em-

[@ptdevil2563]

DM: "The Intellect Devourer devours your intellect and has left you effectively brain-dead." Player 2: "That's okay, he was already like that when we started." DM after (badly) failing a stealth check: "Suddenly, the entire forest seems to collectively sneeze all at once." Player 1: "I've seen enough brain-creature-on-dwarf hentai to know where this is going." Player 2: "How much brain creature hentai have you been looking up?" Player 1: "I am not at liberty to say." DM: "The creature that has you grappled motorboats you for 0 damage." Player: "Sure, let's have the alcoholic dragonborn try to negotiate with the clearly insane hobos from the Underdark. That'll fun. DM: "For the last time, you can't roll insight on a creature that you do not understand." DM: "Are you wearing armor made of metal?" Player: "I'm not even wearing clothes." DM: *sigh* "Of course you're not..." Player 1: "Where's a good pest control company when you need one?" Player 2: "Trust me, I've been looking ever since I joined this party." DM: "Thanks to the power of Ed Sheeran, you successfully broker a peace treaty with the aliens." Player to a hostile plant creature: "Your mother was a shrubbery!" Later: "You have a tiny stamen!"

[@ericb3157]

reminds me of a line in a book, "the barsoom project", a sequel to "dream park": "Kiss my Pistil."

[@arkane1732]

May I have the context for the second to last one???

[@noahjones5595]

" We re-orphaned a child" our cleric Artorius said to our druid as she joined the party after she asked if the minotaur fighter,that she's been searching for for weeks, had been stay out of trouble. Mafia campaign "Does anyone have a spell that can make him forget?" Asked the bard who didn't want to kill the undercover cop. My paladin instantly "my hammer can"

[@markuhler2664]

Re-orphaned a child. That's some harsh play. Better be careful - imagine if Batman lost Alfred a couple of years after his parents.

[@noahjones5595]

@@markuhler2664 yeah, although in my party's defense we didn't know about the child until afterwards so at least in wasn't intentional

[@Adam_Gunia]

All I had to read was "We re-orphaned a child" and I was laughing harder than I should have, no context necessary :P

[@noahjones5595]

@@Adam_Gunia yeah, although the fact that it was the players first session with us, she missed the first three, her reaction in and out of character was a genuine "y'all what?" And a look of concern as she questioned what she just got herself into.

[@skeepodoop5197]

"As the god of death begins to speak, he is unable to as pink bubbles start to come out of his mouth. He looks really annoyed."

[@squizzlygrirrel6227]

All from the same player "It's pronounced Livia but you may call me your grace" "I'm really invested in Rufus the pirates redemption arc!" "when its my turn I shall acquire leopards" "I will return to playing a psychopath soon"

[@connormeriwether4486]

Where is this player finding leopards!?

[@Ells5103]

"I touch you with my guidance. I put my guidance in you." "Cant go hungry and... worms.." "I'm simping for my father's sins."

[@whitemink0939]

“You’ve just been flat Stanley’ed by a wall. Add wall PTSD to your character sheet.” (My DM to my friend after she ran straight into a trap)

[@1Ring42]

"Will you marry me?" "Wait until the adrenaline rush wears off and then reconsider that question. "While I understand the merits of experimentation on nonsapient creatures, remember we have a druid in the party." OoC: So apparently Aresse is a twink now

[@Mangoloonikus]

I love fillin holes with different seeds. An average Tato thought on the farm

[@chrissys.d.7676]

Most of these are from my DM: "It's like when Edward stops the car in Twilight, but there is no Edward" "You're reading the emotional state of a tree, which inherently has some difficulties" "Right before the climax... I didn't mean that as an innuendo" "Tracking you is actually the best defense against kidnapping" "Roll persuasion, at advantage, because he feels inherently guilty about putting you into this world" "As you cast see invisibility, you see me, the DM, pointing at you and saying 'stop metagaming'" "Welcome to chaos and consequences" "It's like Beyonce showed up to a Chucky Cheese and started performing" "Tell my kids I love them. Also tell them to start existing because I don't have any" "Friendship is magic, but fireballs hurt" "Don't yuck the unicorn's yum" "Will you double-down on the assumption that you're important?" "I named this ability Self-Doubt... I don't know what kind of mood I was in" "The squirrels are mobsters" "I'm not going to get weird about trees again" "Everyone has an alter ego that is a squirrel"

[@jacomananzan312]

“The Dwarves send their regards”- my character’s final words before his death.

[@whitemink0939]

“So yeah.. that’s how our resident tree developed asthma in the first 5 minutes of the campaign”

[@preyasmanthedemopan2854]

"OK, so that's 9 slut-damage to the wolf." (The context makes it even better.) "That message spelled in blood won't stop me, because I can't read!" "You see the cat dimension door out of the toxic gas room" "I shake the goblin in my jaws like a rabid dog!"

[@georgemeyers7172]

In that case. Context pls.

[@preyasmanthedemopan2854]

@@georgemeyers7172 ok, so we're doing an online dnd thing, and sense the DM temporarily didnt know how to get a dice bot into discord, we had to use the dice bot in the Owlbear website thing. it HATED us! the party rarely got good rolls all session, the few times we did get good rolls were when we were trash talking it, so after i got a hit off on a wolf, one of the players told me to trash talk the bot, so i said "you better roll high you dirty slut" and i got near max damage, so that's where the quote came from :>

[@Adam_Gunia]

I second the context please

[@treequeen2313]

I third the context please

[@georgemeyers7172]

@@preyasmanthedemopan2854 Haha. Oh that's kinda funny. Now to actually Plow a wolf.

[@ChestNoot]

A favorite of mine is "In an ironic twist, the DM has derailed the player!"

[@madbro8848]

"Teeth are your luxury bones! Everyone knows that!" My gobo paladin, to the party's dismay as my character collects teeth. Some gold... Some not.

[@Lord-mittens]

“Don’t touch her! She has AIDS!” my sister yelled after watching a man explode when he touched her…

[@NexeL_NKC]

“An Orc and a red pepper are wanted for arson.” “So a green pepper and a red pepper?” 💀 That got me so good. That must’ve been an interesting toilet journey

[@EclipseDoesArt]

“I can’t be Scrooge! I’m anticapitalist!” “The gods are not on your side tonight.” “YA *THINK?!*” Other Player: Is it Yugioh? DM: No. Me: It’s time to D-D-D-D-DUEL! “That sound you just heard was my forehead hitting the keyboard.”

[@EclipseDoesArt]

I’ve since had another session and would like to add: “It wasn’t like what happened with Dionysus. It was like… a really violent C-section.”

[@vincentstuart9562]

"At least the Barbarian has ice for his nuts."

[@matthewmarchbanks8211]

"*This* is a battle axe. It does not speak." -My fighter interrogating a sentient battle axe

[@BothanJedi]

Bard: "I trace my finger around the keyhole seductively." Paladin: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how Smite-able is a door?" Wizard: "If nothing else, the place does look pretty flammable..." Monk: "Sure! Let's add Arson to Breaking and Entering!"

[@nightninji5849]

"That's not the right goat!" Player: "Do you have any strong poisons?" DM: "This is a drug store!" "You were nearly killed by a chest."

[@firelasercat]

I have a few: "the magic blender has won" "it wasnt manslaugher if i used a fishing rod, right?" "I have his brother hidden away somewhere"

[@creativeusername7366]

Here are some of mine: “Stop being horny for ghosts, Andanto!” “VENGIR, SHOW HER THE HOLE!” “You practice necrophilia? That’s pretty weird, dude. That’s pretty weird.” “What is ‘consent’?” “Now, hit the pedophile!” “You wake up and see that the monkey that just killed you is now kissing you.”

[@bigshot2123]

“It’s either death or working in the pickle factory and I rather not become a rat ok?” I will not give you guys the context

[@Mr_Nubs]

Player 1: "Wait what's that?" The sound of guards approaching the tavern gets louder. Criminal boss: "damn we're caught! Run!" Everyone is confused as they leave. Me walking down the stairs: "I heard the commotion and used an illusion spell while on the toilet taking a fat one! Haha!"

[@warrenokuma7264]

You are not allowed to throw bags of flower at air elementals when the fireball kid is watching.

[@Ruggun0971]

I remember Im playing in a 2eadnd campaign as a magic user. And since I was the only player who didn't do oneshots with his story constantly I got some pretty cool perks. One that I have that's still a running gag was whenever a player or dm said to ready a weapon, my character would cock his quarter staff like a shotgun and make the loading sound. Cracked us up everytime it happened.

[@charcarter9182]

Yes the red panda is more intelligent than the barbarian. 19 of the villagers are now tripping balls. You track the wear bear using a pie crust. As the horses trample the guards you see one of them now have made in Baldur's Gate stamped into his face.

[@bigshaggy6742]

Just finished the first major arc of my campaign. Here's some of my favorites: DM: "Up next is the Big Boys, a group of Dragonborn guys." Sorceror: "Are any of them handsome?" "I'm gonna roll for pie." A: "Happy John Cola Festival to everyone who celebrates. Looks we got a drinking contest ready to go, ain't that right, W?" W: "That's wassup." Monk: "He finished last, but he did win...well, he finished last." Paladin: "Hey, Mapmaster - can't you teleport those bandits out of here, like you teleported us?" NPC: "Sorry, I can't - that was my last 9th level spell slot for the day." Paladin: "I swear to Liqui'id if my room's the closet again." Cleric: "Why are there textbooks in the bathroom?" DM: "That crocodile's slithering, he throwing it back, and I think he's gonna hit you with a tail whip."

[@Dani_77709]

*party is fighting a beholder* "Remember guys this is somebody's basement."

[@QuillStroke]

OH GOD I ATE THE BUTTER BABY. It's like she's Wine Tasting...with your bodily fluids. Just keep thinking "dead puppies, dead puppies"...NO IT'S MAKING IT WORSE! I'm a Tabaxi, not a house cat. I don't lick myself. * proceeds to lick hand*

[@gabbilyebie6107]

I have a great one- it was our final session in this campaign before we started with new characters. Our ranger and sorcerer tried to kick down a double door. (Against the rest of the party’s wishes) The sorcerer failed, the ranger succeeded. Then, they both said to the room “I CHALLENGE YOU TO A MARSHMALLOW!!!” We still joke about that today

[@fifty4021]

"Empty the compartments from your pantaloons!" Said Roman, the large Dragonborn fighter to the group of currently unconscious and bleeding group of bandits

[@PistonWorks]

Our Warlock Screamed "FRIEND OR FOE" at a pile of rocks and no his character is not insane

[@Zyra-Not-The-LOL-One]

“Do that one more time, and I’m unretconning the ball kick”

[@EvilAutisms]

“I cut the bugbear’s balls off” -my Dragonborn sorcerer named atlas, the Bugbear later returned as a cyborg with no balls

[@kevinskinner4986]

"I am just worried that they have the funds to add missiles to the skunk."

[@The_AuraMaster]

Me: "I rip the pressure plate out of the floor" DM: "roll strength" Me: *rolls nat 20* DM: "okay, you just ripped it out of the ground apparently. Nothing happens, now how do you get over the walls before they crush you?" Cleric: "I back flip over it" DM: "Uh, roll acrobatics I guess?" Cleric: *Rolls Nat 20* DM: *Sigh* "Okay, you get over it perfectly fine" Ranger: "I back flip over it as well" *rolls nat 20* DM: "Uh, okay. You got over it." Me: "Well I guess I follow after them" *rolls 16* DM: "Fine, you get over the wall, but the spikes lightly scrape you. Take two damage." Me: "Wait, what about the NPC? Did we leave him to die?" DM: "Clay makes it over perfectly. Also you guys didn't even look around, you were supposed to find a button in the wall that stopped the walls."

[@treequeen2313]

Personal favorite from the campaign I'm in: "He's resistant to poison. Could also be the fact he doesn't need to *breathe.* "

[@totallyseriousgamer]

Couple of my favorites from recent memory is "Is [player] considered a food?" "Can a stale baguette be used as a cane?"

[@jonathanhancock470]

The first time we ran into the BBEG’s band of cultists, we interrogated one for info. When we questioned their big plan to destroy the world, they said ‘You must break an egg to make a new egg.’ We all lost it, DM included. From then on, that improv line become one of the core tenants of the cult. Eggs became a key part of official campaign lore. All hail the Great World Egg.

[@lordfics6660]

"YOU LET THE CITY CATCH ON FIRE BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BUILD A SHITTER" "How long does the Everlasting Hunger last?" Ranger (on the ceiling):"Does the staircase go up or down?" "He hits you very precisely on Henrique's arm, which is impressive"-DM "Barbarian is a caster"-me,but I was kinda drunk "you wake up from the tent (which you slept in the middle of the cafeteria). You notice two muscular guys and a horse, sticking a bunch of grapes up a gnome's ass."-DM to Player "the bat's mother is old"-that's an approximate translation "better never than never" "What's the difference between an angel and a cockroach!? Both have wings and give milk!" Me,a Renegade Fighter:"I shoot the baby with a pistol" "You didn't kick the baby hard enough now he's going to suffer more" "I'm a combo" "Penis, therefore I am" Player 1: "Sorry I ate you, I didn't know you were alive" Player 2: "Alright, I found a nice chair" "If anyone wants to test the HDI of the water..." "If I sleep in the cum it's mine. What if I want the cum to be mine?" "I love to take a beating" "If he stays here for a week he will become decomposed"

[@Zanavor]

"Don't worry, by the end of the campaign you'll be proficient in coconuts"

[@theeprotagonist1355]

When had a Kenku through a Campaign and it was pretty much the greatest hits of this sort of thing as they recorded random quotes to use. My favorites are: Kenku: *Not having the word for pawnshop.* Go to the Booty-Shop! Me: Pretty sure that's called a brothel. Me: *Looking upwards* Nope, sky's not falling Me: You wanna kill a homeless man? Druid: You just say 'Sup' to a guard? Paladin: We will wait for the amount of time we respected him. Moving on.

[@dukeofbourbon3063]

Three lines come to mind: "I knock politely with my mace." "You fight pedantically!" "I volunteered for this." *rolls for Diplomacy AND Intimidation*

[@SleepyKatAlt]

"Can I use Heat Metal on spikes in a tieflings bed to do extra damage?" Prison campaign

[@lowesgameing2003]

Sorcerer: "you're supposed to slay the dragon."

[@connormeriwether4486]

Who got that one said to them?

[@pokebrosstinky1125]

A famous one that I have said at on session: “ARSON NOW ARSON LATER”

[@an8strengthkobold360]

"The hydra is terrifed of bubbles"

[@knutandersson4606]

"TRY TO COUNTERSPELL THIS!" *throws goat*

[@osoblonco3613]

“I summon the frogs” high tech military base precedes to fall to amphibians.

[@19ohNate]

"Fortunately, I have depleted my capacity for shame"

[@kaseymathew1893]

"Asside from being dead, she appears to be in perfect health."

[@lillianofcordova6772]

I kept an in-character journal for one campaign and my favorite line from that is, "The effects of the hallucinogenic mist wore off and - contrary to every assumption engendered by belief in a rational universe - things got weirder."

[@nvfury13]

Here are a few of my favorite at the table quotes, which without context are even funnier: 1) Save me, dust bunnies! (Pure panicked cry for help) 2) I’ll burn that volcano to the ground! 3) Damn it! That’s my third body today! No more “shiny things” touching! 4) I just watched a Muppet kill a man! 5) (sigh) I’ll look around for my legs, *again!* 6) (chainsaw noises) That tree moved!

[@TheRoseWolf]

"How do you know it's their children?"

[@GlassedGamer]

"Do the hands speak Common?" - Paladin Wilte, attempting to communicate with disembodied hands in ToA.

[@rebeccamount50]

"I'm gonna lick it." Our Rogue in response to a locked door that may or may not have been a mimic.

[@otakubancho6655]

Oh my god,nobody told us the cheese was sentient!😆😆😆

[@yugiyama2943]

"Oh no, that means bad luck. You might even break your ribs!" -May Snowcup, the ex-pirate drunken monk, moments after casting druidcraft to predict the upcoming rainy weather, and moments before breaking the guy's ribs

[@koryh9802]

"I frew up" translation "I NEED HEALING FAST"

[@vaguerabbit4162]

Fighter: "I have news for you, wizard. I am not your meat shield!"

[@Ent1ty12]

Both in the same scenario and same time which proceed to end the campaign "But I'm too drunk to rob you're tavern" and "I want to roll the dumpster like a wheel while in it"

[@hyperdense8589]

“A foot’s worth of masters!” My goblin NPC named Rat

[@TheSelfishEnd]

I have 2, and they're both from the same campain. Quote 1) Mordrid: Can't you see that I'm not in a good state of mind right now?! Mera: You're never in a good state of mind. Quote 2) Mera (to Stone Wrath): Truth be told, you've been the best person out of all of us. Stone Wrath's player: *checks character sheet* That says Chaotic Neutral, right?! *Edit:* This 3rd quote is from a different campaign. DM: He'll cast Disintegrate…82 points of damage. Me (who's at 1 HP): *I'M STILL ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!* DM: His buddy will cast Shocking Grasp.

[@dariquedixon8658]

Fighter - " he isn't normal, I know I rolled high enough to punch a kid in the face."

[@TheKoriKasai]

"just because it smells like fish doesn't mean it is fish!" "Oh you can try to kill me but it won't work!" *Character removes head* "No I'm not depressed, I'm just an idiot" "I forgot birds can fly" "I can resummon the echo but he can't resummon his life" "Just because I'm half-elf doesn't mean I like elf's" "I put the skull into my bag beside the one with the bunny ears" *And these are just ones I've said amongst my groups

[@admiralcl4ptr4p8]

"Light a fire for a man, and he'll be warm for the night. Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

[@maximumdm9612]

Perfect my group has its own chat devoted to these. Sometimes I just read through it to get a laugh its great.

[@snbleader001]

I don't have many so have this one " With enough magic, steel, and determination, anything is possible"

[@kingmidas1072]

"We were getting our ass kicked by wind" -Greeb the Hobgoblin, 2023

[@ElectromagNick]

"I don't care if the golems only speak in muscle flex, tell them to break the door in!" No, I will not be elaborating upon this.

[@ajh22895]

Blinky thought you were going somewhere nice. He did not expect to be dragged out of a water weird's mouth by the tonsils.

[@sportsnut1473]

I may have shared this previously but I still find in funny. “Nope I’m going to swallow the cactus”

[@KieranH612]

"Can I roll to aim Hyphon's head?" "You need to roll to see if you're still under the alligator's control."

[@Sammich004]

"The only superpower you're gonna get is cancer." Said during a conversation about a magical radiation.

[@gammagong9435]

'You might plunder me cave, BUT YOU'LL NEVER GET ME STONES!!'

[@JakeABee]

“So you decided to buy the uranium sword.” The shop keep speaks up “so do you want depleted or non-depleted?”

[@Kualinar]

«I'm surrounded. Surrender or die !»

[@MadMikeRyan.]

"I just don't think you're being very good friend to me right now if you're trying to give me hepatitis" You had to be there.

[@Alicel3urned]

"are you talking about sheep--the horse, or sheep--the sheep? one of those is a human, you know."

[@DHTheAlaskan]

"Why is your octopus familiar the smartest member of the party?"

[@GZilla311]

5:19 As a Raven Queen worshipper in several games, I’ll be saving this.

[@runikvarze6191]

What did he do with the watermelons? He made them... impure...

[@CheesyKnobby]

"How do I know he is a bad guy? He brought a meat grinder to a morgue."

[@wingwhacker]

“They have all that blood, and they aren’t using it!” (From the next table over.) “What’s a ‘Project Manhattan’?” “Starscream”. (In general) “Armored battle corgi.” “Redneck lizardmen” Amputee Goblin Midget porn.

[@wastelanderstark8555]

*whispered in an air of aw and terror* "The dreaded clipboard"

[@mikewinans5091]

“The gods have spared you today, but know that they are **fickle.**” -My cleric Tikaia in a Theros campaign.

[@ira-jay]

"First of all, the rabbit didn't beat my ass, my ass was already beat" from a character of mine who got beat up by guards, arrested, and escaped still low health, to get beat up by a harrigon bounty hunter, to be re-arrested, to escape again and get beat up by the same guards

[@dianaferreria]

Loved the bard beholder thing, would love that to happen to my character

[@jubilantwolf9798]

"That's it... it's going in the book."

[@williamstoneman6977]

My best one was "take these damn potatoes and save that man's life."

[@adadakaka2835]

Player 1: "I'll name the cat Sir Whiskers Player 2 ,who is currently high from a dentist appointment: "He'll be Sir Ashpile soon"