What are some of the best out-of-context quotes from your campaigns? #3

What are some of the best out-of-context quotes from your campaigns? #3
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What is the smallest way your DM has driven home how "evil" a villain is?

[@koryh9802]

"your secret is safe with my indiffrence" Warlock confiding his backstory to my druid

[@monkewithinternetaccess6107]

That’s what I love about d&d. The improv. Sometimes, you come up with gems on the spot, like “you’re so short, a gnome could trip over you” Or, you end up with gems like, “me gonna die you to death!”

[@JoeThomas-lu6fy]

It might be a coincidence, but that's a quote from Critical Role.

[@GlassedGamer]

"Do the hands speak common?" "Even with divination spells we didn't see that coming." "We need more. More power. More experience. More strength. More people. We need to grow. To train. We need to _BREED!"_ "MY NAME IS KEVIN!" "This looks like a wonderful place for an earthquake!" "Bridges don't get constitution saving throws." "This is the greatest 'Useless Lesbian Moment' we're ever gonna get!" And my own personal quote, said in the most matter of fact tone while standing in a Zone of Truth; "I'm jaded and horribly depressed."

[@bobwalsh3751]

Useless Lesbian Moment?!

[@lotrian9016]

An elderly man: "Don't you realise how perilous fires are? I have lived through three!" Barbarian: "And I have started three."

[@aiodensghost8645]

Elderly man probably wanted to kill your PC after that xD

[@Mrmotivationalone]

"The fighter plays with her beaver."- Literally describing our fighter playing with her pet 🦫.

[@schizophrenic_rambler]

Was it hairy?

[@hogfry]

1)Barb: "Imma lick it..." Artificer: "DO. NOT. LICK. THE SCIENCE! 2) "So the dragon just took booty-hurt damage?" 3) "Turns out getting to third base with a swamp hag gets you free acid breath... also shame!" 4) Druid: "Just because it's evil doesn't mean it's not an adorable floof! No stabby stabby" 5) Me Dming the most random death ever at my table: "so Kyle is dead from 2d8 potato/choaking damage but...your attempts to revive him invented popcorn. So there's that" 6) "it's a special kind of flailing and failure. I call it flailure." 7) "yeet the unicorn and RUN!!!"

[@mjsfalcon986]

"yeet the unicorn and RUN!" HAHAHAHA!!! Edit: All of these are quotes that my...OK that I would somehow end up saying.

[@EllpaFox47]

“DO NOT LICK THE SCIENCE” had me laughing so fucking hard Also IMMA LICK IT ANYWAY!!

[@aiodensghost8645]

Wouldn't he have to choke on CORN to invent pop-corn, though?

[@hogfry]

@@aiodensghost8645 The party rogue tried to steal a potato to throw it. Nat 1 on the check. As a joke he said he tried to pop it into his mouth to "hide the evidence".... A few poor roles later: the little spud was thoroughly lodged in his throat. He then failed his death saves They then failed to stabilize him. Soooo as a last ditch effort the party cleared the murderspud from his airway. THEN the wild mage tried to shock his heart to save him. Wild. Magic. Surge! The cart full of corn (the one the party is hiding behind) is hit with a massive electrical discharge, the now VERY dead rogue flies thru the air and bodies a 74 year old priest, half the party is downed temporarily, aaaand the town square is covered in a fine layer of what the locals refer to as "Gideon's snow corn." (After the random tragic death of a traveler hit by a freak lightning blast... who actually died of potato damage) The best part is the group managed to resurrect Gideon at a temple a day later but the fee was exorbitant because the head priest was in traction so two lower priest had to act together. It was like Mel Brooks had possessed all of their dice during that session. It was just pure chaos

[@monkewithinternetaccess6107]

“I would like to weaponize the goose” “Keep your hands off of Gerard, hellspawn!”

[@chalkwarrior5542]

Peace was never an option

[@monkewithinternetaccess6107]

@@thenorfnonly3486 it was indeed

[@skeepodoop5197]

Some of my favorites; "It's not cannibalism if you're a different species at the time." "Can I use Defensive Flourish on the Goose?" "So... I poisoned 60% of the guard outpost with apples?"

[@greatazuredragon]

"The Power of hugs!" The barbarian shouts after the cleric asked if she could hug the army comander that was having a breakdown in order to comfort him and rolling a nat 20.

[@aesiro1336]

WHOLESOMENESS *SUPREME*

[@aesiro1336]

WHOLESOMENESS *SUPREME*

[@Art3m1s07]

as a barbarian who decided to hug the party member she was fighting in an attempt to stop the fight she had started, power of hugs

[@electronauticon9617]

Best quotes from a DND group I play with that consists of many moments of pain, hilarity, and sorrow. "We're only borrowing your grandmother" "I throw the fireball beads at the party" "I will start a goat cheese empire" "We don't need a plan" "I would like to place the door back on its hinges and hide behind it" -Waldo The Dragonborn Barbarian "Hug me!! Now roll a con save :)" "Butterfly net of devouring!! Think about it guys!" "Lets fill barrels with oil and roll them down the mountainside" "If I use a wall of force and enough oil, can I make a nuke?" "You know the goblin barrels from Clash of Clans?" "The chaos twins are at it again..... Ugh" "I throw tadpoles in her food" If anyone would like to hear more context behind these quotes or ask questions about the group, feel free to reply, although I may not be quick to respond, apologies in advance.

[@ceylonwilliams8353]

Context

[@electronauticon9617]

@@ceylonwilliams8353 Each one has its own rabbit hole, some are ideas on how to handle future encounters, some are grudges, and others are pure chaos related to something dumb.

[@KC-dx3cy]

I have notes I’ve been taking on the campaign I’m playing in, a lot of the paper is just random out of context quotes. “I’m in it for literature… and rats.” “I throw him at the hole like a football” “Dirt doesn’t dare touch me, I slap it away” “I’m not going to do it, I’m not a nerd, I only have two Rubik’s cubes and I’m at dnd club” Also some interactions I thought were funny DM: “So where do you want to go?” Party: “The right” Bard: “*American politics*” A: “I’m diseased unless I’m not” B: “I’m diseased regardless”

[@RainaThrownAway]

Our temporary Monk PC: "I'm a vegetarian." My Paladin, who spent a rather invigorating night with her the night before: "I know from personal experience that you do eat dragonborn."

[@RainaThrownAway]

Also there were totally quotes from my game in this video. I maintain that "Sometimes a statue is just a statue," made a lot more sense in context. If only I could remember what the context was.

[@cosmoniums5990]

@@RainaThrownAway probably attacked and checked a statue in case it was a monster or something

[@bobwalsh3751]

This quote earned a snort from me.

[@MephiticMiasma]

"I have much better uses for your throat"

[@hexagonalchaos]

“I may have lost my medical license, but I gained a gun”

[@Hunter-ze3my]

Did the PC in question by chance lose their license by stealing a patient's skeleton without killing them?

[@hexagonalchaos]

@@Hunter-ze3my maybe

[@fantasyshadows3207]

Medic

[@JacobL228]

Worth it!

[@nullblasterthevoidmaker1750]

Medic?

[@timmoreed7970]

The best out of context, because there is so much it could be used in. "I'll kill it if I don't roll a natural o....ne.... Damn it. New character then."

[@NoraMakesSounds]

"I want to rage cook the steak" Was mine. Upon further review, I entered the quote wrong. "Can I rage-cook the steak recklessly?" -Emen was the real quote, and I feel badly now.

[@mel3216]

2:37 this u?

[@NoraMakesSounds]

@@mel3216 yes

[@petervoros262]

Indiana Jones style-rogue in a generally Good party: "It's only grave robbing if you don't have a license, and since I have one, it's archeology. If anyone asks, you're my interns."

[@therealskeledragon558]

Theoretically, they're right

[@fabiansuckfull9446]

"No you can not stick your finger in his mouth to give him advantage on the deception roll" It kinda made sense in context.

[@Hunter-ze3my]

What the heck is the context to that, if I were to get context for only one of these it may as well be this one.

[@centric3125]

Someone trying to forcibly vomit? Presumably to fake intoxication as either a diversion or to cause anyone nearby to go away.

[@fabiansuckfull9446]

@@Hunter-ze3my They were in a town that had been dominated by an Aboleth that had turned all the people into squidpeople that sounded funny when they talked. Someone futzed their stealth check and they got a squid person calling out for them. So one of my players, thinking quick, tried to impersonate a squid person. Another player offered to stick his finger into their mouth to make it easier to talk like a squidperson

[@TheOboebunny]

Mayor of the city, wanting explanations about the case we just solved: "Tell me everything from the begining." My very clueless character: "It all started the day of my birth."

[@trinalgalaxy5943]

This one does not come from DnD, but gets constantly referenced. "They may know" "They know" "There is no way they dont know" "You died to drones."

[@Amarok1886]

GR:Breakpoint? happened to my squad too

[@trinalgalaxy5943]

@@Amarok1886 no. Halo 2. end of delta halo, a friend tried sniping the zelots. he missed: "They may know" he missed again: "They know" he missed again: "There is no way they dont know" he finally kills the elite but...: "You died, to drones..."

[@Amarok1886]

@@trinalgalaxy5943 Are you kidding me? That is exactly what happened to my squad, except, you know, I'm the idiot in that case.

[@ultrapoof6967]

"Does the dragon know draconic?" "There just guards, they are pretty squishy" "Why am I always helping you hide bodies" "you guys don't eat babies" "how could it evil, it gave me cool murder magic?" some of the best ones that the rest of the party has said.

[@MatthewSchooley94]

"...Did you eat the pigeon?" - Gnome NPC to her druid friend (also an NPC) "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BUZZARD?!?" - Kenku NPC to my rogue "My name is not Jerry!" - Our halfling warlock (real name Jerenneth) "You wanna make me happy? Fuck off." - My atheist/anti-theist rogue to an aasimar NPC "That was my second favorite kneecap!" - Random bandit Oh, and the best one (from a separate campaign from the ones above) Warlock (played my me): That guy's a bit sus. Paladin: Sus? Do you think he's an impostor? The kind that lives among us? DM: ...Seriously, dude? Paladin (IRL): The door was wide open! Me (IRL): I think you mean the vent. DM: -just done-

[@exquisitetoast3859]

TN Sorcerer: how are you such a nightmare! CE Rogue: Oh, years of practice

[@otterbanana1556]

“I want a girlfriend” “ don’t touch the bag” “And then a the black ooze falls on top of all of you” “I killed a man with a fart” “We buy ice cream” “Alexa play Wonderwall” “Me and bard fly away on never more” “And her name will be called catness” “He’s definitely evil” “We almost killed shreck”

[@potentpotassium5776]

"Let's start a drug company with magic mushrooms" "I will kill Capitalism" "How come I turn into cheese and he turns into Godzilla?" "I require butterfly wings" "Eat the door"

[@brightlord3963]

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the world's most infamous horny ghost" "Would you like some slaves with that?" "Crabs don't care about your feelings." "Jokes on you, my celibacy protects me from your heathen magic." "Dragon or not, you're going in the bucket!"

[@gamedokter]

"WHO MILKED MY MOM?!?!?" No, I will not provide any context. Ok I lied. Here you go. Greek mythology campaign, a player's character's mom had been turned into a cow by Zeus. We had left the cow at a farm owned by a friend while we went to slay medusa. When we come back, the first thing the player says is the line you see above.

[@Spiceodog]

I was assuming you were playing a Minotaur

[@austinmatsche9466]

"Ok, so on the enemy's turn they are going to teleport to the other side of the map and touch themselves." - Me, the DM, last session

[@flameofmage1099]

Laughed way too hard at this

[@foxoninetails_]

My campaigns have a ton of gems: - "Mark my worms." - "What's my religion again?" (said the paladin) - "I thought we were rolling for fetal alcohol syndrome." - "Considering the universe doesn't have a Charisma bonus..." - "God damn chicken shit spiders!" - "That's not very kosher of you." - "I was just gonna say you seem constipated, but ascended works too." - "I am no longer taking recommendations for cave diving songs." - "Where is your scar?" "Emotionally." - "I licked the back of a potato, and it was super salty." - "I licked the potat again. It was a different potato this time!" - "Jesus gave her bottom surgery." - "What's a bed?" - "Oh boy, time to see how my mental health is doing!" _rolls_ "Oh no!" - "Question not the actions of the enemy, just hit them." - "No, I vored myself." - “I didn’t know you worked here?” “I don’t! :D” - "Fine, I'll sit, but I won't be happy about it. I won't stand for this!" - "Shouldn't that levitate spell have ended by now?" _thud_ - "How big is this spider's mouth?" "No." "How big are its other holes?" "No." - "I envy you all for being only children." "I'm not an only child, my family just likes me!" - “ can’t be the satellite dish, he doesn’t get signals well enough for that.” - "I am a single-celled organism." - "NEVER STAND NEXT TO THE FUCKING ARCHER!" (to the tank)

[@joelhaggis5054]

The hilarious and extremely underrated Oxventure campaign has some incredibly one-liners, but my favorite will always be "have you considered that your dad... isn't real?"

[@torgranael]

The rest of my group still looks at me in utter confusion whenever I make an Oxventures reference. Having to explain the context behind Orphan Paste, Merylwen's Meat Grinder, and The Spicy Rat Caper is always amusing.

[@JaelinBezel]

“Have you considered that you might not even exist?”

[@talis2513]

@@torgranael I know two of those, what's the Spicy Rat Caper?

[@torgranael]

@@talis2513 The very first adventure they did with M. Chanail's Miracle Elixir. In part 1, Luke uses prestidigitation to not only clean a rat, but made it spicy to deter predators. The community unofficially named the adventure "The Spicy Rat Caper" in honour that single throwaway gag. Episode 1 - Meet The Party, timestamp 24:05 - 24:35. The name is confirmed in A Spot of Bother part 1 (1:10 - 1:20).

[@talis2513]

@@torgranael Ooh I see!

[@panpan1287]

"I was the bride and the pastor at your wedding!" "I'll play 6 love interests! Come at me!" "So anyway the child just killed 7 people" Just a few lovely quotes from our lovely DM

[@dragonqueen1474]

To rage cook a steak, you basically slap it enough times that the transferred energy is equal to what cooking it over fire would be.

[@keylimepython641]

Someone at my table said, "Nonlethal burrito murder"

[@Sam-yi9qe]

“because dragons don’t brush their teeth even though they’re ambidextrous”

[@NinjaTheRaboot]

Our sorcerer: don't walk in on me when I'm playing with my wand.

[@matthewparker9276]

A quote from the DM in the last campaign I played in: "I like the logic of 'they're your ally, so you should kill them'."

[@Nostripe361]

Let's see "Kill the difference!" " To be fair, the problem wasn't that he was peeping but that he got caught. He was just practicing spying."

[@Spiceodog]

“ yum, this bread is good. Is it vegan?” My characters daughter, Lorena “ I think so, all the blood was from people so there was no animal cruelty in making it” “ out of respect for my friend , I will give you one chance to surrender Yayyyy!!!!! * swords clatter to the ground * Surrender your lives willingly and I leave your corpses intact enough for a proper funeral …. Or I’ll try at least.” - aasimar using her radiant soul feature for the first time in the campaign “ well I was hoping to save this for something actually useful , but roleplayers got to roleplay I guess”- right before using a single use magic item that ended up dealing 243 damage to a single ghoul. “wow, you look even shittier then your music. Anyway I picked up your favorite soup cuz I heard you got hurt🥰” - bard to her friend/rival bard “ But MOMMMM, you said it’s only cannibalism if it’s human :( “ “ I have an intelligence of 4, how the fuq did I become the voice of reason?” - squirrel through speak with animals “ I know the Geneva convention is your bucket list, but come on , you’ve checked the box you can stop now”- bard to artificer

[@hedera1332]

The one about leaving corpses intact reminds me of when Aria in Mass Effect 3 says: "This isn't over until your next of kin can't identify you!" One of my favourite insults xD

[@kiritotheabridgedgod4178]

In line with the last one, a convo between my party. "For the last time, it's not against the Geneva Convention." "It's torture, it's against the Geneva Convention" "Show me where in the Geneva Convention it says that you can't leave an Elf locked in a small room, tied to a chair, in waist deep water, with an Octopus." "It's the spirit of not fucking torturing people. You realise that." "Okay, okay... 5 more minutes then we can interrogate them and let them go." *From the other side of the room, by the door to the Elf Captive.* "I don't want to alarm anyone, but the only way I can describe what I hear going on in there, is a six digit number."

[@bobwalsh3751]

I could see a squirrel angrily yelling that in a really squeaky voice!

[@NoBodyUKnow100]

"Familial problems require patricidal solutions" -Final boss turned NPC.

[@masterpiece1817]

You successfully have polymorphed the Illithich into a baby bear. *NEXT ROUND* Rowan manages to hit the baby bear with the Arrow of Bear Slaying

[@mylesmcnary3584]

(1) "You walk into the living room and see Joey and Evelyn sitting on the couch holding hands." "Are they married?" "No. Why?" "I start berating them for being perverts." (2) "the squirrel speaks to you in infernal" (3) "Zues' surprisingly small jockstrap! Who's bright idea was it to have a drinking contest before a quest!" (4) "warden now has a nat 20 ass" (one of our players accidentally sat on a d20, it shot out from under him and rolled a nat 20.)

[@virgiljericho664]

“If you go rooting around in my pocket again i’ll throw you in an oven at 350 degrees and leave you there for 20 min” My paladin yelling at my Artificer’s homunculus made of cake batter.

[@Wolffang1996Hyano]

"... I'm already half dead." "Oh! Me too! :D" "Do you REALLY think it's a good idea to have that out right now in a lawless town that's got a bandit problem??"

[@retrogamer9119]

"Dont make it easier to kill you, than to deal with you" my ranger to the hostage (spoiler: hostage alarmed several enemies to our presence, and I decapitated him for it)

[@Reestar-jv5jh]

Truly elemental indeed

[@cosmoniums5990]

Just wait until we reclaim our toaster…

[@flameofmage1099]

"Yay!" - My monk after pouting a whole bottle of alcohol on the centaurs head while riding her "Stop! You're not in Berk anymore" - Fighter to my Dwarf Paladin

[@JohnnyPanini1876]

"You chuck the solid gold sofa towards the portal."

[@pickedlockpierrot9706]

“What does it mean, if I am a plant?”- My druid, who was actually a sentient clump of moss inhabiting a half-elf’s body

[@amberkat8147]

That one at around 10:45 is epic. "sadly we do not have the facilities to hold you all so we may have to kill most of you." *Wipes out half of them with the bleeping SUN* "So, it looks like we may have the room now . . . "

[@virgiljericho664]

“You wake up and one of your party members is absent. What do you do? My paladin: I take a shower” “That’s what you get for making your pet out of food” “Get out of my pockets or i’ll throw you in a 350 degree oven for 20 min”

[@BusterBuizel]

“I CAST SHIT YOURSELF!”

[@lurkyb0i602]

“ No you cannot put poison in the poison antidote”

[@mitchellhasto3003]

“Everyone hang on and get low! I’m gonna kick flip the carriage!” It worked and allowed us to escape the eldritch horror chasing us

[@IsRickIV]

Alright here’s mine. “I would see the king, but I have an STD...” -Friend’s Tiefling Bard *finds the letter we needed* “Oh, right. I’m stupid.” *shoves it into his mouth* -Friend’s Bugbear Rouge “How old do they have to be for me to be able to kill them?” -My Deep Gnome Rouge

[@deathiscookie]

"Rats have souls?"

[@lucasstrong9208]

"It's not necrophilia if we're BOTH dead" Darakhul (Undead) Warlock about his wife.

[@dragoninthewest1]

"Your vote doesn’t count, you're just a figment of my mind. Yes, that means I have doubts but I am still going to trust them."

[@bobwalsh3751]

12:50 dat rage noise doe

[@laargboolag9147]

Thanks for the replay button

[@wyvernknight]

"I don't give a shit, I push the cat off the boat" The context is we had a tabaxi character who had a weird name, so my character him called them 'The Cat' who at the time was being annoying, so my level 5 wizard pushed him off the boat, which actually made us enter combat early

[@deoxysman9854]

"I may be out of spells, but I ain't out of breath" -Maria the Dragonborn Paladin. *Shoots lightning out poor unsuspecting enemy*

[@caolanochearnaigh9804]

"Stop slapping your weiner!" -Druid to the Barbarian, who has never seen a sausage before.

[@melissaquinn1463]

*dagger thrown nearby* “I flop onto the floor and start gliding across the floor like a Roomba” -the Air Genasi bard “Is he a pretty boy?” “Does he look rich?” the dark elf -bard- fighter “Sit your horny ass down and shut up!” “Who gave Jimmy a knife?” -the Tiefling rouge “I’m going to make an animatic about you, and it not gonna be flattering!” -me to the walking bard stereotype “Rogan doesn’t like humans, so he won’t push their food closer to them” -the dark elf again

[@scattershot666]

"After stumbling into the naked practice routine of the towns half orc dance troupe, they attempt to violate you" (he then failed the saving throw). DM was tired of the guy derailing the campaign by doing whatever he wanted regardless of consequences.

[@cosmoniums5990]

When it comes to the doing the fire quote, the player was not mentally all there. So when the dm described the tavern having a fire place, he assumingely believed the fire place was something important we had to deal with. When it comes to the “Elementary Watson, I’m going to burn their limbs off” it came from the dm summing up my plans for the magical toaster I had stolen from the mafia and was planning to use as a torture device

[@e.regular3501]

"Ok, but to be fair, that tree had it coming" (In response to questions why I allegedly punched a tree, causing an entire forest worth of spiders and Ettercaps to attack.. and one of my party members to try and sacrifice me in return for the rest of the party's lives) ... I survived and went on to punch many more things, including a superpowered demon, a river, a bunch of rocks, and yes.. many more trees

[@amberkat8147]

"please don't eat me, I taste like regret" has got to be one of the single best lines EVER! Although the one about putting on layers but only getting so naked is similar to how I phrase my preference for cold weather, but I usually say "I can always put more layers on, but I can only take so many off."

[@ReallyTwistedHumor]

"Cow-abunga"....Whilst surfing the corpse of a cow down the side of a pyramid.

[@e.regular3501]

"Sometimes the only appropriate word is fuck." (My DM, probably in response the endless parade of dumb and chaotic decisions that come from my party on a weekly basis)

[@dragonbreath9999]

"Is an unconscious person willing" paladin about to cast dimension door

[@postapocalypticnewsradio]

PANR has tuned in.

[@Atma_Weapon]

possible context: some awesome dude fiddles with his radio and finds this channel by sheer luck. also, hi panr.

[@postapocalypticnewsradio]

@@Atma_Weapon isn't that how any broadcast is found in the wasteland? Morning big cat! How've you been?

[@totallynotaneel_8216]

“I turn into a goat and let her milk me.” -Druid to my female wizard trying to find a way to feed a 8 month old baby after her mother was killed. I named her Noel

[@sgtf4356]

"I spoke to the ocean and it was mad." -my bladebarian failing a persuasion check with a water elemental during a pirate themed campaign "That's wasn't so bad. Only a boulder and a grey ooze meant to remove the boulder and the only thing we lost was our hope." - party rougelock after failing a DEX save to outrun a boulder with 2 other party members and consequently being crushed then cornered by a grey ooze

[@samuelplyler1511]

6:53 In response to this I just have this to say. Esau sold his birthright to his brother Jacob for a bowl of soup because he was clearly going to starve if he did not have a bowl of soup right that minute.

[@TaranAlvein]

10:25 - Oh my God, after all of these stories, it's finally happened. Somebody has ACTUALLY committed a war crime in a game, instead of just doing something and calling it "war crimes"!

[@SethPentolope]

“Racist towards people with eyeballs on their hands”

[@umbrebac]

"I draw my sword and smash all of the plates"

[@willepher1629]

Barbarian: “I would have negated 1d12 like a chad.” Paladin: “1d12 of death?”

[@samloyd9287]

"I mage hand the statue's rod" - Our bard, activating the then unidentified immovable rod held by a statue from a distance

[@n0xViat0r]

"Is it going to crawl out of the hot sauce and Bite me?" DM: "What do you think it makes it so spicy?" DM: "im going to roll a d20 to see how uncomfortable the parrot makes him" ,If it comes to it, at least I didnt oil myself for nothing." Warforged after pouring oil overhimself, and sortly before lighting himself on fire to intimidate a Noble After attacking a Brain in a Jar and failing the Fright save: "If you bite the Brain, it bites you back" "I do the thing where i shoot him in the back of his head, non leathaly" "We weaponized the homeless People" 1 hour discussion about how to ambush the pirates that are tracking us at the Harbor, Pirates decide to go to the bar and have a drink instead "Papa will fill you with Knowledge" "He seems like a guy" Chess playing chicken: "I dont play against Losers" I am always messy when I "come" "Bob does not know of the Existence of Spanish" "Verbal Dhiarria" "Oh you mean Physicist Ai Sack New Tone" "did they penetrate you anywhere?" "I think I am about to be grounded and taken home by mum." Worlock after upsetting his Patreon "I cant use boobs to defend myself" "If we work together, I can just suck the guy" "Aren't you one of those spooky guys?" Warlock eldridch blasts the floor "If life throws lemons at you, throw hand grenades back."

[@shielfoxftw8279]

"The last time I accepted food from someone they impregnated me." -my Male Tiefling Paladin

[@thatsmuggamer]

My warlock, to the Paladin: "WE ARE NOT USING THE BASEMENT AS AN UNDEAD BROTHEL!"

[@TheSimpleMan454]

"Figs Saint-Pigeon, or was that Pidgeon Saint-Figs?" "Piggs was the Saint of Pidgeons. Figs Saint-Higgins is the guy you're thinking of." "I- am too pigfiggin' pidgeon pi- you know what. I'm to sober to be funny, pass more Fig Hooch."

[@Glimare]

"Avon Calling!" This was a distraction so the rest of the party could rob the thieves blind. It worked! They even sold products to the thieves! XD

[@attilareeves3080]

"How high can this hog jump?" "I offer the dragon a beer"

[@7Celestron]

I sat here laughing for 3 minutes at "Fireball is a touch spell, if you ain't a little b****". Lol

[@BeanLord69]

DM(playing NPC): This is a gun My character Eli: Why is this a gun? DM: …y’know, no one’s ever asked me that before

[@abracacursedcosplay8366]

"What I hear is that you're a very good guesser" "NO NO I'VE DONE IT BEFORE I AM A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL, I am offended that you would doubt my medical prowess" - my life cleric talking to a Dragonborn about how to determine the sex of Dragonborns and other reptilian species.

[@nytroakina1940]

i heard the old spice jungle after “i am bob chumbucket “

[@clintonbeene504]

“My husband’s been dead for 10 years, who the fuck are you?” had me rolling in that voice

[@Anxious_Mess19]

" Hey! his name is Pot." the bard, to our demon manager,about his pet mimic

[@JaelinBezel]

“I give him the door I ripped off earlier.” Context: After the group’s long rest holed up in a room, my goliath paladin tried to open one door only to find it jammed by something so she just tears it off by the hinges and adds it to her inventory. A little later, we have to cross the firebolt spitting eye trap that another party accidentally rearmed and got slaughtered by it. We’ve noticed that it only shoots at living things in its line of sight so my paladin hands our tortle wizard the door to use as cover to get close enough to disarm it again by pulling the bedroll back over it.

[@michaelpeace8128]

“No! You can’t assassinate a rock!” Me as The DM telling my assassin rogue player that is trying to destroy a boulder blocking the path.

[@ericb3157]

7:02 reminds me of a line in an online comic: "that day felt like it lasted a year and 3 months." -this was 1 year and 3 months after the comic stated...

[@dannyzninjawriter9653]

You know, this topic is what made me want to have "well, there's something you don't hear everyday..." be followed by "Unlike that phrase."

[@iridadene4344]

Some of my favorites over various campaigns: "Your super buff rat does a sick flip across the twenty foot gap, sticks the landing, and is immediately kicked off by the skeleton, who then trips as well into the pit, killing them both." "The Toad Familiar Croaks menacingly, using its higher form of Toad intellect to intimidate the swarm of smaller toads into obeying it. The Toad Lord has been Crowned! Beware his croak of doom!" "So, uh... was that guy important or was that just too many smites for him to handle?" "He was Smitten with us." "Gods damn it." "Literally!" "The party laughs, the ghost laughs, the dress the paladin is now wearing laughs, everyone roll initative." "Warcrimes are still a crime against humanity, not an adventurers 'to do' list." "I use my prepared action to tie a rubber chicken to its foot." "Why?" "So we can follow the screams to the source." "The False Hydra recoils in horror at your calzone golem making an entrance." "Just because he has only skeletons and is a bone knight; doesn't mean he is 'The Lord Of Boners'." "Ratmen do ratplans better than fat man yes-yes? Leave the heist of delight to me!" "We are literally just trying to rent a room for a single night! Do NOT!" "You tried to sell me for a ball of DIRT!?" "To be fair we thought it was super rare medicine." "We aren't doctors." "I fire a Healing Hot dog from my crossbow into the bards mouth." "The Ogre is too angry to die. Hank is too angry to die. They could continue to wail on each other, but the mirror match up means they might as well have the most aggressive staring contest this side of Eberron. (Frenzy beserker Deathless Frenzy is crazy)" "You have killed your own wife thinking it was mine, and set my follower on fire when you meant to set your own ablaze for the mix up. Your day is ruined and so is mine! "In order to reach you and provide a ramp down to its mobile city, the giant city mech below you dabs to allow its arms to reach you on the cliff without falling over."

[@Giratina155]

"Roll a performance check on your throat singing"

[@wolfcub168]

“Are you sure you want to start reading the noble’s *naughty* book in front of him?”

[@WarriorplayzBeno22iscool]

"3... 2... 1... LET IT... RIP" (Quote used repeatedly in different situations, usually one where you pull a string, or a dragonborne belches fire, also in the case of persuasive farts. [Don't ask]" originated because of an artificer using a beyblade that was equipped with the spell eldrich blast.)

[@jimjim01938]

“Oh no step pyramid”

[@totallyspyratical]

My campaign has had so many, but here are a few highlights… After chopping a dudes head off, and to the tune of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes: “Heads, Shoulders, Off it Goes, off It Goes” “Jax drank roundup you don’t get to talk.” “I love being surrounded by dudes.” “No brothels, that’s a rule.” “I am a walking winery.” “You have become the Kool-Aid Man.”

[@GymbalLock]

"Anything unusual about the victim's death?" "Yeah, he was shot!"

[@Boundless-Boredom]

“His foot would be a war crime”