My Husband Doesn’t Engage When We Hang Out

[@fornx8574]

I would get my act together overnight if I discovered my wife called a national show about my behavior within the family. I can't think of a bigger wake up call. This is a dedicated woman and very family oriented, hoping her husband is brave enough to meet the challenge she is requesting from the other adults in the home.

[@Jeremy-wp4yh]

​@@jonsmith8746sounds like you're an absent father. You know your own kind.

[@87alock]

That would piss me off more than anything

[@HollyTheTwisterSister]

Mine would be furious if I put our issues out on the internet for everyone to know. It would be unforgivable to him

[@fornx8574]

I think the show uses alias names and locations but I could be wrong. I know this is not the focus of your argument but there is same level of anonymity to help maintain privacy, I suppose lol @@HollyTheTwisterSister

[@missk2559]

You’re a good man for seeing this! Whenever I hear calls like this, no matter how broken and angry the person sounds.. they wouldn’t be calling unless they cared SO much and were truly trying to salvage the relationship

[@tristamarie7115]

This is good insight into how to approach a man.....I'm a woman with workaholic tendencies and if my husband approached it that way, I would be extremely overwhelmed. For me, it's another thing on a to-do list and I would do it just to appease him vs. asking him the best way to approach the situation. For example, 'I miss you and feel like we don't spend enough time together, any ideas on how we could fix it?' and giving him the time to formulate a solution that he can maintain/provide him some solutions if he asks vs. telling him.

[@jennteal5265]

Not to mention there's nothing wrong with having different interests. The best point in marriage is when you both can be in the same room together doing different things and just enjoying being near each other with no expectations. She's got a _lot_ of expectations. He may be exhausted with her expectations of him.

[@mariahconklin4150]

I'm the opposite of my ex. He is a workaholic and I hate working because of the gossip, back stabbing, unnecessary drama. I find staying home working on myself is better or watching a documentary online is more appealing who wants to be around drama all day that's what I grew up in with my family no thank you. I'm finding out now thats a trauma response but I just find all of that annoying I have better things to do.

[@mariahconklin4150]

Oh this is good advice I need to start doing this!

[@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933]

I question that "doing the same things" is not the real issue. I have been married to my husband for 27 years and he no longer emotionally engages with me. The only things we engage about now is our rescue dog. Your speaking on "not having the tools" resonated to me. He is age 78 and I believe he does not have the tools and honestly, he does not care to get them. I realize that we both have health issues and our energy is limited and I try to empathethetic and understand his needs too but it ends u always being about his needs. I tried suggesting weekly weekend meetings, he agrees with them but they never happen routinely for a variety of reasons. All we get is coordinating our calendars. when we met we camped, fished, danced and bird watched etc. He just wants to sit on the couch and play with his phone or laptop and I like to do fun and social things from time to time. He would rather stay at home and take care of the dog because there are no demands on him that way.. I tell him exactly what I need. He agrees but then does not follow through. Honestly, my patience is gone after 27 years of his not following through. Now I just give up and go to our local senior center for socialization and lunch and let him sit on the couch and veg.

[@BrendaBaBoom]

He’s strongly utilizes PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE strategy to buy time and remain unaccountable while ignoring your needs …. him, the dog and couch are what really matters. Take good care🌸

[@mariahconklin4150]

That's how my ex boyfriend is and he's 40 years old. But staying home all the time isn't healthy it can lead to alzheimers. Why not go on a vacation with your dog? lol! That may work for him! I know down here in CA they have resturaunts you can take your dog to. I"m also noticing that my ex dad is older in his 70's and he does nothing he doesn't want to go out ever it's really scary to see that that could be my future. He is single though.

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

My husband is like this and we are 36 and 38. It is hard. Granted, my family is a LOT to handle sometimes (all in each other’s business but always there to help and provide love and support. And I am the oldest of 5, with an extended family of more). My husband is the oldest of 2, being the prized boy (though his mom is hesitant to admit it, but she has before), so he gets upset if things don’t go his way. He is unable to see how truly blessed we are with our friends and family

[@punkrockgirl488]

Hope all of you are doing well today. Read these comments and I’m thinking of all of you. ❤ sending love from NY

[@joesillamanrs7189]

The dude is checked out

[@dbtech4562]

Probably wants out of marriage but trapped. It is a terrible experience but in a few years, it will eventually end and mutually accepted.

[@c.edales740]

Infortunately he has. Not being negative its not going to get better.

[@thejakelegion]

Some of you don't know what it's like to have little kids, work 80 hours a week and feel so stressed you can't connect with your wife. It can pass and it can be hard to do, but to say he's checked out and wants out of his marriage is unproven.

[@GardenerEarthGuy]

It happens, she sounds real passive aggressive, with a heavy dash of controlling confrontational- not sure the John map list is the right approach. I kinda feel like she'll have a pad and pen with her...

[@c.edales740]

@@thejakelegion I know too Well and to have a kid with delays does not help.

[@aimeerebecca1]

John is missing the boat on this one. The husband isn’t just clueless, he’s CHECKED OUT, he’s disconnected. And she KNOWS it!! She feels it!!! Sure she could communicate more directly and bravely, like he said in the end. But it sounds like he is completely tapped out and is dissociating.

[@SaystheTruth3]

💯 Agree!

[@aprilchow-chee5281]

Been there done that. He was cheating

[@brown_eyed_girl]

I think John is suggesting this bc it is either going to reconnect the relationship OR identify to the wife that her hi and no longer wishes to work on it. Either way, it will help the husband and wife identify things more clearly with one another

[@mariahconklin4150]

Wow that makes sense my own father did that I think and it led to him cheating. Not a very healthy coping mechanism. He basically fell out of love with my mom cause he was cheating. Hopefully that's not her case though. Yikes. I've noticed to that I also check out and dessociate and I have to snap out of it.

[@kcourtney6826]

Yeah, and she probably feels vulnerable even more so because she’s pregnant.

[@giantfatberg]

My wife was pulling away from me and practically dating a coworker. I went to Jewel, Kenny Chesney, Zac Brown, and others just to be with her. I went to midnight showings of Twilight movies. I desperately hung on. She ditched me in multiple cities where I stayed in quiet, lonely hotels. I went to 5 concerts all alone. In our 22 years together she has never watched The Shawshank Redemption, my favorite movie. Is that love or what? It sticks with you and hurts forever This stuff is so important. Even if you are not interested in the activity, take part in it and watch your partner’s response. Their happiness can be enough to pull you into their world of interests.

[@brittneydavis8662]

I’m really sorry. You deserve to be valued and have someone invest interest into you as well

[@ludwigvonsowell5347]

She outright ditched you in cities?

[@giantfatberg]

@@ludwigvonsowell5347 yes she didn’t bother to travel there with me even though we had two tickets. I went to the shows alone

[@user-pt4xx4wu2i]

Why are you with her? It’s a genuine question. You need to let her go.

[@missk2559]

This is me currently… and I feel so stupid because I’m just starting to realize it after we had our baby… I’m on maternity leave and still paying half the bills.. I have to tell a story 3x for him to listen to me, and the things I get excited about I can tell he just thinks are stupid…. I was 8 months pregnant on my birthday and he canceled my dinner because he was too tired after work. :’( What have I done :( this is my baby’s dad

[@crystalduque7559]

My brother does this to his wife , and around my family. It’s quite odd to watch. I haven’t seen him in nearly 2.5 years and he barely had a reaction to my existence during Christmas… like no reaction . Don’t know what is going there

[@anneshirley9560]

My husband started doing this to me after I gave birth. He's also made eveyone at work mad and his family. All of a sudden he's becoming self destructive. I wonder if your brother and my husband might be depressed? It's hard, because he won't even talk to me, so I can't help if he won't tell me what's going on or try himself. It's been hard. I hope your sister in law and brothers marriage heals.

[@zlol_ssbm]

They are depressed because he wants to be left alone and she demands 100% of his attention

[@blueseptember2174]

P@rn addiction zombies

[@DudePlays]

We don’t enjoy doing the same things… Let’s get married!

[@joannahepworth2230]

😂

[@emmarose6590]

My parents don’t enjoy the same things and they’ve had a happy and healthy marriage.

[@pnwpariah8691]

@@emmarose6590 this! Couples don’t need to enjoy all of the same things, they need to be a team and build a life together. Give space when space is needed and support when support is needed. It’s healthy!

[@todd2324]

​@@pnwpariah8691You don't need to enjoy all of the same things, but you should enjoy doing some things together.

[@pnwpariah8691]

@@todd2324 completely agree!

[@Whatorwellsaid21]

There is no way these phone calls happen without any prior red flags long before. They had to know they were different and the desire to commit emotionally wasn’t there.

[@vickimerritt2832]

People do not have imbeded crystal balls in their brains. Should they have had a trial run baby then sent it back to the " stork" if it didn't work out for him? One expects a reasonably evolved and mature partner that can adapt and improvise as the situation warrants, not run away from it. Geeze.

[@CaToRi-]

@orwell you will be surprised of how many people hide their true personality before marriage (consciously or not) and after a couple of years they can’t continue faking and then take his/her real personality, putting their partners in a difficult situation.

[@iomis2001]

This is my parents. They love each other, but they never do anything together. Somehow it works for them though. So I guess it depends on what you want.

[@tokelomphahlele1544]

Same here 😂😂😂

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

OR, they just pretends it works

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

As, in they settled.

[@chiiix33]

No they don't. They might appreciate, even respect, each other but they don't love each other

[@iomis2001]

@@chiiix33 You can love someone and not get along. People are complicated.

[@BassBwoy3]

Wow...I love this marriage/relationship advice. I used to think the best couples liked doing a lot of the same things, but a couple can like very different things and still be very intentional to do what the other is passionate about, whether they themselves like it or not. Guess opposites/different people can still attract.

[@mariahconklin4150]

huh. That's how me an my ex are but we are so stubborn. lol! We like different music, different movies, different everything now. Then people will say odd things I've heard, "You look like brother and sister" or "Oh you two are so cute" and we aren't even together. lol!

[@Matt-cr4vv]

It’s a challenge I think. For me when we dated we both did whatever the other wanted and didn’t really object because that’s kinda how dating can be. When we got married and communicated it we learned how many things we didn’t enjoy the same. But that doesn’t doom you it just means working to find some common interests but still carving time for each other to do the things you like doing but the other doesn’t. For example, for a time in my younger 20s I was at the bar all the time. She enjoyed that for maybe an hour. So the solution there was if usually carve thsh time for evenings she was working so that was time to get my “fix”. Or we’d compromise on that and have dinner and drinks for a short time period and it worked for both. But other things we either go along or let them enjoy it with a friend. She enjoys Broadway so she takes a friend to tnah. I enjoy football I take a friend to that. But we also developed things we both like. For example we both love concerts so we go to a ton of them together because it’s something we both love so she’s mh concert buddy. Or we find stuff at home to do like play a game etc. Whag people often ignore us that it takes some intentionality to find commonalities over just saying we don’t have a common interests and giving ups

[@janestephens7062]

Wow ,I was city girl growing up husband of 49 years a country boy 100%thought ride horses, hunting, fishing, mudding was 100% Was totally gross. As he saw it going to the opera, museumsThings like that are stupid. We had to come to a compromise. And I do find riding horses, Fishing kind of relaxing. Not So much on the hunting, Or the other country stuff. He also learned to like some things I like to do. Marriage is a give and take every moment of the day. This girl needs understand people grow and change everyday. I sure if he was the one on show he be saying he doesn't know were girl he married went also. Yes children changes things alot but you need to make space for each other. Are after children are grown up they look at each other like they two strangers. Then they'll end up getting a divorce. In my 67 years I've seen it many times. People who live in their life like robots Go to work 5 days a week I'm home clean house hall weekend go shopping for groceries. Then go back to work for 5 days a week. I have very short quality of time together what if you put the kids to bed 1 or 2 hours together. The Warriors one of them either playing video games or watching TV. I have 3 son in laws And believe me I've seen this happen. My daughters busting their asses cleaning up get kids off to bed a were are their husband's play video games are watching TV. Not cleaning or helping with kids. I've never been a troublemaker but I did get ahold of their mom's until their mom's the way their sons were acting Believe me that got them motivated. But I'm not a doctor I'm not a psychiatrist I'm just a woman who's lived my life married for 49 years have 3 daughters and 6 grandchildren .

[@sarahalderman3126]

Couldn’t agree more with you here, especially on the quality time together during those “little kid years”. As a mother of 9, 22-10 years old, soon to be grandmother and wife of 23 year’s all I can say is the husbands ability and effort to take part in the “hustle” can make or break a marriage and family. ❤

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Wow, way to go!

[@luminous6969]

2:11 "Have you told him that?" *Long pause "Um, I feel like I've tried." That means she sat in the corner and sent smoke signals for him to interpret.

[@maybug88]

Oooor, she explained every way she could think of and he still didn't get, so it made her question if any of those atempts event count. Ask me how I know.

[@dbtech4562]

Wow, two different prospectives.

[@nicolcacola]

She communicates in a way he doesn't understand. Obviously its the same way on his end. Calling them "smoke signals" is dismissing delivery issues.

[@luminous6969]

@@nicolcacola It was a pretty obvious metaphor tbh 🙄

[@lot2196]

100% Agree.

[@sharonamadi8656]

I'll never understand people who can't bring themselves to open their mouths and actually say what they mean or want to say. It's mind boggling to me.

[@ireefree2024]

It's a thing which some people need to learn. I'm end thirtys and learned it a few years ago. Today, I'm totally on your side. Growing up, I learned to keep my needs down and just hoping my environment will do things I like without asking for it. In a relationship it's catastrophic. I have to learn telling exactly what I want to my husband. Still once in a while I "forget " it.

[@spursfan5742]

Usually it's because whatever you say is turned against you.

[@maddiec.3061]

Sounds like you grew up in a functional household lol

[@sharonamadi8656]

@@maddiec.3061 actually I did. I worked to improve myself. I don't see the point in blaming your childhood for things you can easily fix

[@strawberykiri]

Underoath is my favorite band I'm so happy to hear that you like them too!

[@diggernash1]

He's thinking about all the other stuff he would rather be doing...so do the things he wants to do.

[@aliolivi]

What you're asking her to do is what women are craving in terms of leadership from men.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

He can just be a busy dad and she’s a hormonal pregnant women . No fire here , just real life .

[@em77775]

No, she's being neglected. This is how it started for me. Over the years it got worse and worse. He cheated, got super abusive and completely abandoned me. I started off trying to say hey, let's spend time together and he just said no.

[@anneshirley9560]

@@em77775 oh that's awful! I'm so sorry that you went through that! I hope that you'll find or have found somebody who loves you.

[@em77775]

@Anne Shirley95 HI and thanks 😊. I'm happily divorced. Met an amazing man at church and we're getting to know each other 🥰

[@anneshirley9560]

@@em77775 that's awesome! I'm so happy for you!! 😁😁

[@Spaceman99966]

​@em77775 things are usually simpler than they seem. And your protecting your experience onto that situation

[@emmanuelale4868]

To be honest with you, this is the reason why I'm not going to get married because I'll probably end up doing the same thing

[@athenag745]

I've been married twice. I find it a bit suffocating tbh. I am very independent love my own company, sometimes men need to feel needed and I'm not that. I'm not a nut 😂 and open to love, but he would need to have his own stuff going on.

[@somethinggood-sy1ed]

Thank you for staying single

[@emmanuelale4868]

@@somethinggood-sy1ed lol 😆. Is that meant to be a caring response or is that meant to be a snark response?

[@athenag745]

@@somethinggood-sy1ed thank you for taking the time to watch a generic advice giving expert 👍

[@GoKU-xx2vg]

​@@athenag745at least your honest. The best marriage for you is where both of you agree to be like roommates.

[@MariNic8]

As someone who LOVES Dr. John, this is HORRIBLE advice. I’ve seen this with some of his other videos, where he essentially gives women the training seminar to “teach” their husbands. You’re teaching wives to be moms…. Recipe for resentment and men continuing to not be better. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@kristinrichmond8185]

Wives shouldn’t EVER see their husband as another child. When she has to “teach” him something about their relationship, that’s what begins to happen.

[@elfascisto6549]

​​​@@kristinrichmond8185 he should just be expected to know ? And if he doesn't then resentment grows anyway

[@documentariesbycategory1483]

UNDEROATH!!! Yesssss

[@umiluv]

My husband is like the Dr. He loves loud music and going to live shows. I’m the opposite. I actually prefer to read and do things in the quiet, like embroidering while listening to audiobooks. We do things together like watching movies/shows and eating dinner together. We have kids now so he finds friends to go to shows with while I stay at home with the kids. He leaves me alone and plays with the kids while I enjoy my quiet time. As a family, we go out hiking or to the museum or to the playground together. The kids need dates from the both of us too. =)

[@kahrhoshe]

i freakin love john. hes my music spirit animal. love metal AND folk.

[@saraojala6283]

Being a parent of a special needs child is mentally and physically draining. 80% of marriages with handicapped kids end in divorce. I think this couple needs to get in counseling ASAP or they won't make it.

[@KennedyIvy]

I dont know about other men. But the last thing i want to do is "sit down and be vulnerable", lol

[@David-wo9un]

It’s a safe bet that most men feel the same way you do; I don’t believe women actually want to see their man being vulnerable.

[@thaneros]

@@David-wo9un There noting wrong with being vulnerable, its not weakness. Weakness and vulnerability aren't the same thing.

[@davidjonburke2729]

Agreed..i can, but..Anytime I do it ends badly lol

[@CoffeeSA96]

The woke mob is trying to make men feminine, watch out and don’t fall for it

[@erismana2105]

Big ego hides weak men

[@janicajohnson9727]

My daughters husband wants her to always watch sports with him. She wants to crochet too. He won’t allow her to do that, so they don’t share that.

[@Jane5720]

Wow

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

​@@Jane5720 .....just wow.

[@starlingswallow]

He doesn't _allow her_ to do that?!?! Mom, please get your daughter to get OUT of that marriage! QUICK. That is controlling and abusive. She is an adult and is allowed to do what she wants!!!!

[@pnwpariah8691]

@@starlingswallow or maybe recommend therapy/couples counseling instead??? Tearing apart a marriage is the last thing that should happen.

[@CrystalM1917]

Wth?

[@flyandshy00]

Working so much? He has an affair 100%. She served him only as a sex machine, now she cannot give him that, so he goes elsewhere, I bet he was never engage emotionally with her from the beginning, just settled for her. Women, observe red flags and do't settle, or will end up like this.

[@RespekfulFungus]

No phones until they are driving to work. No compromises , ever.

[@tacooflove6175]

I wanna see that DO NOT ASK LIST sounds like a good laugh especially for obgyn doctors

[@gmoney0987]

Stressing this hard with 1 kid. Oh boy. Life is going to be hard for these people.

[@louklein3916]

Kid with special needs. Maybe they care more about their one child than you do your many.

[@carylhalfwassen8555]

Developmentally delayed kiddo and pregnant.

[@chez0788]

Saw Underoath Live in Calgary two different times! Oddly enough, I live in just outside of San Antonio now 🤣I know this has nothing to do with the video just that he mentioned Underoath lol

[@danilaroche1156]

My ex-husband completely checked out. Never spoke. Never was home. Turned out he was sleeping with other men. For REAL.

[@Aloha4Maui]

Dr. John missed the boat on that one. This marriage is already in trouble, she is already alone and overwhelmed with the care of their older child.

[@GoKU-xx2vg]

Thanks professor!

[@sneakerfreak2002]

Time 2 power up the baloney slicer! I sense there’s a giant delivery 2 process real soon!

[@vickimerritt2832]

no fun to be tied to little kids needs and find out you married an escape artist

[@Deans-jm3uf]

Excellent advice

[@christywilson2177]

I think she means he is checked out which is a whole other level other than “putting a 60 day calendar “ together. There’s a lot bigger issues here. Superficial answers on this one. 😢

[@nunyabusyness762]

My husband and I have completely different interests. I wanna hang outside all the time, he's a ginger that wants to play video games all day and bursts into flame when exposed to sunlight. I like hunting and fishing, he sometimes passes out when he sees blood. But there's one interest we always connect on. Sex. I enjoy the space, I don't like discussing feelings in general so I guess it's easier for me. I hope y'all figure out something in common that interest you both. Sometimes I'll ask about his video game and his progress and he willingly talks about that in detail. But in general we both do our own thing, I enjoy that space. I don't like going out to eat or shopping, but if I had any inclination, that's where I would try to connect. Or the bedroom.😉

[@Hiddenplace414]

Lol u said he's a ginger

[@user-rr3yw9dn1l]

Is this guy an actual doctor or just some guy that likes to hear himself talk like dr phil?

[@Hatbox948]

Not sure!

[@user-qg6rf5ec3n]

Delony spent two decades working in crisis management and higher education, and has earned two Ph.Ds.

[@user-ky8je2qj3z]

His name is Pacey

[@ritamerringer2173]

Playlist is a mixed tape 😂

[@michaelhutchings6602]

Why doesn't my husband want to behave like my women friends?!

[@erismana2105]

They have a special needs kid If he cant be there for her he is a dead beat. Hope you didnt reproduce

[@sarahalderman3126]

Why would you want him to? Screw that, my friends don’t do crap for me. My husband on the other hand is always there and willing.

[@blueseptember2174]

No one wants their man to act like a girl friend. Just communicate is all all. Not hard. That is literally it. People overcomplicate it.

[@carylhalfwassen8555]

Mapping out the next 60 days includes child birth and poor sleep.

[@sherryd3299]

Do people not look at their partner honestly while they are dating or do the pretend while dating they are one way and once they are married their real they meet the real person? Or once they are married one of them think they don't have to try any longer?

[@mariahconklin4150]

Sounds like her husband has ADHD if not maybe he's just not intersted in what she likes I don't think my boyfriend's were into what I was into that's when you just go find a lady to hang out with.

[@Mudpaws]

Should go on Drumeo one day

[@Spaceman99966]

The comment section is always just full of women projecting their cheating stories to every women that calls in with a problem with their man. Yall are sad , problems can happen in a marriage without cheating or demonizing the man

[@mikesalas2683]

What happens John if the other spouse does not participate in planning activities

[@mikesalas2683]

ESP when the kids are grown out of the house and even when they where home I hit a wall and we have been married 26 yrs and we are young 57

[@exceedinglyaverage1179]

Beej goes a long way

[@Nah-ah]

Eh that’s what my girlfriends are for if I need emotional support.

[@djpuplex]

Be happy he's providing for you and not abusive or cheating. Amazing how so many people are just never satisified especially women.

[@axmaciel7]

So be happy he’s doing the bare minimum ??? Lol not being abusive or cheating should be the min expectation

[@appgirl25]

Be happy he's not physically kicking her ass? The bar is in hell.

[@Chet_24]

Yeah. It's almost like the husband is working more because the wife won't have an income for a while, and they'll have an extra person to provide for. Apparently, the wife lives in fantasy land where none of that is being taken into account.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

​@@appgirl25 What bar?

[@Toomies08]

This thread of comments from men! 😂 I'll guess you're either not married, or your marriage is lifeless. It must be SO horrible for a man to have a wife that loves him so much that she misses him and wants to connect. My God, the horror! 😂

[@AtlasZero13]

My wife goes to my metal shows and football games and i dress up and go to taylor swift concerts with her. Give a little take a little

[@lissettementado8744]

John listens to underoarh??? Yoooooo DOPE

[@jaqueitch]

Poor baby husband can't deal with his emotions.... What an f-ing baby. Man up

[@SaystheTruth3]

Typical story.... Mom is at home sad with the kids yet wanting more... while dad is working mad hours to provide for his family. Give the guy a break when he comes home... I think she needs to get her own hobbys and stop dragging her husband to things he doesn't want to do... I think she depends on him too much for her own happiness.

[@dominickmoura165]

👍🏽👍🏽

[@colindavidson6483]

Underoath… how old is this guy?

[@wonka4]

45ish

[@tdgdbs1]

Sit down and be vulnerable??? What a load of manure, that is the reason he checked out. Good luck with your cats lady!

[@braziliannigga]

That "sit down and be vulnerable" is just boring and pointless. I'd rather just do something fun...

[@appgirl25]

Probably why your wife or gf always has a headache....it's boring and pointless

[@Twistingmp4]

​@@appgirl25 at least we know your man's is gonna get clowned on lol.