my husband's hiding from me 🙄 r/JustNoMil

In today's Just No Mil, we explore unwanted touches, pregnancy boundaries, having a party straight after an op, and very cowardly husbands! grab a cuppa, let's dive in 🍑✨
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Be kind and have a great day (:

[@gracelovely3838]

"There was me, going through all of these steps to try and understand some form of logic, and it turns out that they're just a-holes! How frickin rude is that!?" I was rolling with laughter because this describes my online experience as an autistic person PERFECTLY

[@princessofhell4639]

I also heavily relate to that

[@nergregga]

The second story, I would seriously reconsider my relationship with a man who doesn't consider your feelings, and enabling his parents' blatant ableism. I would probably divorce that whole family, they sound like terrible people, who don't deserve grandchildren.

[@sava-smth]

Yeah not to jump the gun but runnnnnnn op run!

[@s.a.4358]

I agree. Once the husband went AWOL for hours he completely lost me. Even if upset, at least text so the person is not worried. Or at the very least if they call to ask if you are there, don’t lie about it! To me at least that is crossing a hard line. The in-laws are horrible but the husband is being an AH too.

[@Amethystar]

I normally don't like to jump to advising divorce, but it sounds like this kind of stuff has been going on for a while and it's now coming to a head. The husband is not only permitting his parents to berate his wife, but he's allowing them to insult his kid and is then asked to be the one to call his wife out when they are offended. I think she would be wise to say least speak to a lawyer and see what her options are. If the parents are going to be verbally abusing to her kids, they need to stay away. If her husband is having "secret meetings" with his parents, it's good to be prepared in case HE decides to separate from her and take the kids with him. I'd feel a little paranoid if my husband and his family refused to tell her where he's been.

[@Beccanin]

This exactly, this absolutely screams divorce 500%, especially with the 'oh we'll retaliate' stuff. I can see both father and inlaws behaviour escalating.

[@elliest55]

How HORRIBLE are those in-laws, wtf - disgusting. The shittiness of people never ceases to amaze me. The partner is also clearly influenced by them.

[@FarraigeQ]

Omg as a cerebral palsy disabled person story 2 majority angers me… I’m non verbal and my sister can fully talk normally and I am in university with a 3.4 GPA honestly leave him before his family can make your child have ableist and sexist views…..

[@arualblues_zero]

#1: I don't care what the doctor says, if I'm the mom and I'm in pain, it's off. End of story. MIL, this is your grandchild. #2: That family can go straight in the BIN, including husband. DIVORCE his a$$. At 18 months, most babies are just uttering their first little mushed up words anyway. They don't "talk". #3: That's exactly the way my sister's ex's family treated her when she was pregnant, nothing more than a baby container/factory. She also went to the hospital uninvited, grabbed the baby and smooched his face *during c0v!d lockdown*.

[@theashwoodfaerie2]

The last one is awful. Kissing babies even without COVID can me extremely dangerous

[@mandyb2245]

@@theashwoodfaerie2 I saw an episode of SBSK where a baby who'd been kissed on the mouth by a relative as a newborn had contracted a near fatal illness. It wasn't Covid, but it was bad enough to almost kill her. She has incurable complications from that kiss now.

[@theashwoodfaerie2]

@@mandyb2245 yep I've seen that too

[@pencilpauli9442]

Shaaba thought of a grapefruit because it's a cystrus fruit.

[@shaaba]

🥲🥲🥲

[@Kaenightowl]

Story 2: I found some additional context to this story from OP’s Reddit profile. According to OP’s words, she is a SAHM “Every day SO gets home and complains about the house. He says that this is "my job" and I'm not holding up my end of the bargain. I TRY though. He gets home and sits down and watches videos or snacks, and I'm still watching our son. I've told him this and he said I should put our son in a baby carrier on my back while I clean???” “His complaints today were that I didn't dust in the laundry room, or clean the inside of the microwave. Never a thank you for the food, or acknowledgement of anything I had done, just complaints. Tomorrow if I dust the laundry room and clean the microwave he'll just complain about some other thing I didn't have time to do.” Apparently this woman is also having anxiety about her husband coming home even though she feels nothing but joy with her baby, and they work on playing and flashcards for most of the day. OP does ALL of the shopping, cooking, chores, and all of the necessary household errands. Sounds like this husband wants a childcare, maid, and cooking service and not a partner in my personal opinion.

[@ktm9292]

This is abuse, and his parents are abusive too. He's engaging in classic psychological abuse tactics where you constantly criticize your partner to undermine their confidence and the belief they are worthy of better. He's set impossible standards so he can feel justified in his abuse, the classic 'if she were better I wouldn't have to' when in actuality they are intentionally creating a system where success is impossible. All failures (by his metric, a baby that doesn't talk isn't actually a failure) are hers and successes are his, nothing is shared. He's also shifting the victim narrative so that she's the bad guy. She's walking on eggshells and I truly hope she's able to safely escape and keep custody, because he's showing no sign of motivation to change. If anyone actually reads this and has been, or is currently, in this position, I hope you know it's you're not at fault and you are strong as hell - though I'm sorry that strength has been necessary.

[@missnaomi613]

Holy crap, that's even worse than my now-ex husband, and that's saying something!

[@undefinederror40404]

She needs to leaaaaave she needs to leave. I hope she still has family that she can go back to, and rely on for support so she can eventually live independently. This is the kind of situation people describe when they're going for a worst case scenario, exactly the reason why mothers now tell their daughters (where I live) to make sure they have lived independently before committing so they know how to do it all alone- makes it much easier to leave abusive situations.

[@sisterskaoi]

#2 was basically a red flag factory. Also at 18 months old, it's not that uncommon to still be non-verbal; one of my nephews was nearly 3 before he started talking, and then he started with full sentences.

[@auntlynnie]

I’m a twin. My sister walked early; I talked early. It’s almost as if physical development isn’t really dependent upon who you watch tv with.

[@Nyxxeonn]

normally the forums love to immediately scream divorce/run/etc, and I often think it goes too far, but that second family.. she needs to RUN. If somebody called my sister the r-slur, you would need to hold me back from swinging! My sister also did not speak until she was 5, she would read books and listen a lot, and then one day she just spoke in full on sentences and sound like a wise old woman.

[@ImagineItColoring]

The second family is way too much. I would be running so fast in the other direction with my baby.

[@ShinyTillDawn]

Luckily for the woman, she's more likely to get custody of the kids instead of her partner

[@Amethystar]

​@@ShinyTillDawnTypically, yes, but I wouldn't leave anything to chance. I hope she talks to a lawyer soon before anything else happens.

[@A_T216]

In-laws in the second story are awful, obviously, but I *really* hope that OP is also understanding how her SO is letting her down in a significant way too. How are you meant to trust someone as a partner and as a co-parent when they pull stuff like that? My mouth was hanging open throughout that story.

[@SLYKM]

The second one, I'm sorry, but divorce. What a pathetic worm, using literal silence to punish OP for speaking up for her family. I think the MIL is prolly a helicopter parent, since the husband is not even capable of having a disagreement with his wife without his parents helping him. Edit: mil is awful attempting to get OP's mom against her. If OP has been passive the whole time, then this could be new behavior, but not new for them.

[@tyghe_bright]

With touchy MIL, a red flag is that she said, "My sweet baby" right at first. Some grandmothers act as if the grandkids are their own. They feel entitled or possessive, and may dismiss the mom's needs and desires. The poster needs to very clearly and explicitly establish the boundary, using her words. If she doesn't, then MIL will not respect boundaries regarding the child after they are born

[@elliest55]

I know it's not appropriate, but I LOLed so hard at the suggestion to touch *her* belly next time JNMiL touches hers 🤣 But yeah the solution is really very simple - use words - establish boundaries sooner rather than later.

[@mandyb2245]

The OP in the second story needs to divorce her husband and go no contact with his whole family. What a bunch of a-holes! The MIL in the third story is infuriating! If someone tells me something I've been doing is making them uncomfortable, I'm gonna STOP DOING IT! It's called courtesy and consideration and empathy. This MIL seems to have none of those. Plus, touching a pregnant person's belly every single time she sees her, with both hands? That's so cringy! Don't do that! Ew.

[@EdibleStars369]

The point of them having a banned dog, would lead to the assumption that the dog has either been bred by a backyard breeder (unethically, maybe health issues, no guarantee on temperament, and likely been taken from Mum dog too soon) all of which could cause behavioural issues. Alternatively, smuggled in, which again could be totally the same issues on how that dog has been bred and how early they were taken from Mum. Unfortunately, its not the breed, its how the humans have created and handled them before they arrive with their home and then how that family then cares for and trains the dog. However, no matter what, a baby/or kid should always be so cautiously interoduced with a dog, and always supervised or separated if no one can be in the place with them.

[@gracelovely3838]

I will say that people often get confused and think all bully breeds are the same dog. But based on the fact that these people owned an aggressive German Shepherd, I would not want my kids near any dog that they have.

[@EdibleStars369]

@gracelovely3838 I work with dogs and totally agree, however I was under the impression that Pit Bulls were still banned, and were banned long before the XL Bully that only came in affect this year. "Both the ownership and breeding of pit bulls were banned in the UK by the Dangerous Dogs Act of 1991" - Did that change?

[@rebeccajesse4604]

I have a mini Aussie that is horrible around kids. Absolutely hates them. Sadly, he’s really adorable and some parents let their small children charge him because they are so excited. I’ve had to get a bit stern and be sure to put myself between them. (He is reactive due to being mauled as a pup and I don’t have children in my life so just easier to avoid them) Just because he’s cute and doesn’t look scary doesn’t mean he’s friendly, and the opposite is true too. Scary looking dogs can be absolute sweethearts! Just like with any animal, careful and safe introductions is important for both sides to have good, safe, experiences.

[@nikkimansell2760]

@@gracelovely3838there are a number of breeds that are banned in the UK, including Pit Bull, Dogo Argentino and Japanese Tosa. The XL Bully is definitely the most prominent at the moment due to it being added so recently, but the pit bull is absolutely still on that list sadly. I think the biggest issue is that these are all breeds that are bred for fighting of some kind and they’re also used by the less responsible people in society as ‘guard dogs’ and so are trained to attack anyone who is not their owner. Its awful really as you can see so many of these breeds who, because of being loved and have had the best training to make them well behaved animals who can be family pets, so to be a banned breed is very sad. I know that’s not the case for all, but I hate that the dog is blamed when, in most cases, is the humans who should be held responsible for the behaviours…

[@3chovine]

I hate how people see all pitbulls as aggressive. Yes, breeds do have instinctive behaviors that we bred them for(look at shepherds), but that's just another aspect of training. Should judge based on both of those factors, and the fact dogs can be dogs. I say just don't let dogs around children under 3 without close supervision. I don't care how well trained a dog is or what breed it is, you can't always predict what they do and a small child could be hurt by them, cause they don't always understand how they affect others. One of mine loves clawing me as a play behavior and doesn't get that it really hurts. Also back to pitbulls, my family had a pitbull mix and he did have his territorial moments around other dogs(wasn't socialized well) but overall he was the least aggressive, most clingy overprotective dog I've ever met.

[@elii1i]

The second story!!! The way the husband says she "can stop all of this by apologizing" just sounds like a threat! He knows his mom is tormenting his wife!

[@tobyatlas6480]

I feel so validated about the way people are talking about the grapefruit cyst. I had an ovarian cyst that was about the same size, a little bigger, a couple years ago, and it was so painful I was fainting and couldn't walk. It ended up bursting on its own (which was awful) and took about a year for the pain to go away fully. I felt really dismissed and ignored by doctors at the time and it made me feel like I was being dramatic.

[@606Jelly]

When I had an ovarian cyst, two different doctors said to me "you know, most women don't even feel them". I was in pain, and they weren't saying it out of concern, they were saying it as part of the "this isn't a problem speech". It felt like they didn't believe I was in pain. Why is a complete stranger's lack of pain relevant to me, when I've come to the doctor because of pain?? Both doctors were women, too. Your cyst sounds a lot worse than mine (mine didn't burst), so I'm sorry to hear you were dismissed like that.

[@watsername]

It took me about 3+ years ro get surgery on a recurrent periclitoral cyst, in the meantime I was on antibiotics on a disturbingly regular basis, often in pain, and draining it myself which was pure agony partly due to location but was told oh well you're managing it (I was using sewing needles and craft knifes to assist often and they still didn't care...) eventually got surgery when one refused to stay drained, they complained they'd have to get me to sign multiple surgical option forms because I was in too much pain for them to examine me by that point and I was like I don't care, knock me out and just do what you think is best from there! They even tried to put me off by saying how I'd end up with a scar 😂 I already have one on the side from a burst regular ol skin cyst and I don't date people who would care about a scar in that area, and if they did care they can gtfo tbh. Had the surgery a few years ago during covid and haven't had that agonising problem again! I'm now hardly ever on antibiotics and just wished they'd done it sooner like I begged for!

[@ShinyTillDawn]

Physical touching towards women without consent is such a big no-no. It baffles me that some people don't learn this.

[@qweeesh]

Big no-no for all genders

[@saraquill]

If my mom is anything to go by, a person who violates boundaries is the only one allowed to do so. It’s other people who are the problem. Yes I have issues from living with her.

[@joanfregapane8683]

The first story - if the $ is not the issue, then MIL wants the shower mainly for HERSELF - attention, thanks, showing off for her friends, etc. Love the idea of the dad to be going instead.

[@whoahanant]

If someone not talking can stop others from talking then my entire family would be non verbal since we have Deaf family. On top of that I know some studies are looking into if baby talking your kids actually stunts learning certain words for longer since you are saying words "incorrectly" on purpose when you baby talk. That family sounds absolutely awful to be using such language against others.

[@s.a.4358]

I do not doubt the truth of what you are saying, but I also understand Shaaba’s initial thought that if the toddler was spending really a lot of time with the non-verbal sibling, that might impact his speech development due to words being less important in his everyday life, to have his needs met, express himself, etc. I assume that the toddler and non-verbal aunt are still communicate with each other but not with words, so the child IS developing skills. It’s actually pretty cool because even if the toddler is not using words, he is learning another way to communication, which is a plus in life. It’s of course not the same but children who grown up in multi-linguistic environments tend to start speaking later. It has something to do with the different languages and getting them sorted out in their brain. However once they start speaking these kids catch up to age mates in terms of verbal communicate and even tend to have better communication skills due to being multi-lingual, which developed brain connections. Maybe it is similar with a child who grown up in an environment where a primary person in their lives communicate other than with words?

[@petrastedman669]

Can confirm: it is *incredibly* dehumanizing to be ignored as the person carrying the baby in favor of talking to the belly, or have your expressed boundaries disrespected. If the mom asks you not to do something - before or after the squish debut - PLEASE listen. I dont want you holding their hand after you wiped your nose (esp if you refuse to wash or use sanitizer) or kissing their mouth or trying to feed them things that will make them sick. Be nice to the moms. They're doing their best.

[@susanharris6959]

Story #2- I agree with previous comments. Run. Far away from that entire family. They are awful.

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

I had a cyst under my ear that was more grape than grapefruit, and that was incredibly painful and sensitive as it was. I can't imagine having a much bigger one in a much more sensitive area while heavily pregnant. What is that MIL on?!

[@mr.honeycomb]

As someone who doesn't like physical touch, but is married to someone that does, returning the physical touch does not convey that you are uncomfortable. You need to set boundaries.

[@lostinmymind8147]

2. story: RUN OP! RUN.

[@BrigitteDiessl]

My husband had a friend who I ended up refusing to see when I was pregnant because he touched my belly without asking. I did not know this guy that well and, although I tried to tell him it made me uncomfortable (not that politely) he still did it. My daughter is nearly 27 but, thinking about that makes my stomach squirm. I'm 55 and this whole thing reminds me of older men in the 80s who thought it was ok to grab your butt like you were public property.

[@razorangelfreak]

Speaking as someone with CP, I was very steamed by the attitude of that person's in-laws. Geez. People can be really nasty, and it sucks. The OP there is so much not in the wrong. I would suggest marital counseling if they want the marriage to move forward. If it were me, I would not want my child around such attitudes. Yeesh.

[@emris2697]

I didn’t start walking until I was 2 years old, and still developed just fine once I got the gears running. The family of that woman really needs to calm down and unlearn some outrageous ableism.

[@katharineeavan9705]

I knew someone who reportedly didn't walk until they were seven. I met them at work in a care home for people with learning disabilites - they were one of the staff members. They grew up into a completely average, job holding adult. People act like "milestones" are things kids absolutely have to hit to be "normal", but the truth is that they're just average ages and should only really be applied as a way to look out for underlying conditions - there's really no cause for concern if a kid doesn't hit them all at the time people say they should. It can be an indicator of neurological disorders or other disabilities, but it means nothing on its own either way and even if disabilities are present, it's usually far too early to say with any certainty how they'll affect the child in the long run. They absolutely aren't caused by hanging out with other disabled people. If anything, having a close relationship with a disabled peer is likely to be very beneficial to a child's social development, and even more so for a child who is disabled themselves.

[@arklestudios]

I feel weird saying this as I often think people on forums like this and AITA are too quick to jump to "divorce" as a solution but with regards to that 2nd story that is where my brain immediately leapt to. The temerity. The unmitgated gall of her husband and in-laws. Jebus.

[@cathleenc6943]

Wow, that mil with the dog, and the son and fil are pieces of work. I'd be making recordings and screenshots of all of these conversations and then seeing a lawyer (in secret) to file for divorce.

[@lostinmymind8147]

YES I NEED POSITIVE SHAABA CONTENT! I had a super exhausting day and just got home and still habe to do homework when my brain is really mushy. But while eating I can enjoy this!

[@rachel6910]

I feel this! You are doing a better job than you give yourself credit for 🥰

[@shaaba]

manifesting relaxation and rest for you, peach! 🍑✨

[@petrastedman669]

Had a shirt made that read "Ask before you touch the bump or you'll be pulling back a stump" in glitter script. I ended up not wearing it (would either catch the person's hand or sidestep the touch if someone went for the belly without permission) but I gave it to another friend at her shower and she wore it for the last half of her pregnancy.

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

"So let's dive into the mother-in-laws... I don't know why I keep saying that." Because you're bisexual, Shaaba. (Disclaimer: This is a joke)

[@gracelovely3838]

MILILF

[@blaireshoe8738]

@@gracelovely3838 😂😂😂

[@TheDopekitty]

Second story, in the bin with hubby AND his family.

[@theashwoodfaerie2]

Some MILS are extremely possessive over their grandchildren especially if they're boys. And then there are the MILS who are in love with their sons and treat them like their husbands. And then you have the normal ones

[@OfficialCourtesyCourtie]

31:21 YES! This! But instead get a spray bottle and scold MIL like she's a cat trying to attack a bird or something.

[@JS-zm2xq]

If she's 30 weeks and she is able to go full term, she's got at least 2 months to go! If they can't safely remove the cyst she might be starting 10 weeks of bed rest and excruciating pain! I would lose it on that MIL!

[@theashwoodfaerie2]

Yep. 36 weeks is 9 months and 40 weeks is 10 months

[@kiryanna]

I find the MIL (and FIL and SO) in the second post really concerning, especially where MIL has said she will "retaliate". She's coming across as the kind of person who might do something like taking the baby or having the SO bring the baby over and refuse to give them back to mom

[@wingedjellifish11235]

Oh my gosh that second one??? Words cannot express how absolutely infuriated I am. I'm currently studying both linguistics and communication sciences/disorders (double major; language is basically my entire life, and I love it) and if someone said anything like what those in-laws said about those children in front of me, I don't think I could be held responsible for my actions.

[@malter95]

Imagine if the husband in story 1 went to the party wearing a fake pregnancy belly and made a whole bit out of it. It would be funny, people who wanted to celebrate would either still get to celebrate or get appropriately served humble pie, and most importantly OP would get to rest.

[@Chronicaleenie]

Wow I have a lot to say about the baby speaking story… this screams internalised ableism! The baby has two speaking parents around all the time but they blame a disabled 9 year old? That family need to get in the BIN! Also, just wanted to say my youngest brother didn’t speak until he went to nursery so he was around 3 years old… my mum did take him to a speech therapist who said “he will talk in his own time, your child has you, his dad and two siblings that pick up on what he wants and therefore hadn’t had to use words to communicate” and the speech therapist was right. I’m 11 years older and my mum explained this to me so I started asking him to use his words whilst my brother who was around 7 at the time (he got the nickname rent a gob) would just tell me or my mum what my little brother wanted. Youngest brother is now 20 and talks all the time, everyone is different and we all develop at different times!

[@Chronicaleenie]

Sorry forgot to add to this message that my other brother and I spoke in full sentences before we were 18 months old (which is now called hyper verbal) which is why my mum had the worries about my youngest sibling. I’m 31 and my two brothers are 26 and 20, the dynamic between me and my youngest brother was so different! So much so my mum says now that she had all the time to say words to me and repeat back which helped me but youngest brother had us all talking and doing things for him… we all develop on our own timelines ❤️

[@nergregga]

That’s not internalized ableism; that’s when a disabled person has ableist thoughts about themselves. This is very blatant, and obvious

[@bradiedean7466]

Oh! I've actually been to a baby shower that took place about 6 weeks after baby was born and it was a really great experience. Momma had already had a shower with close family that her sister threw and a shower her bff threw for her with friends and work colleagues, but the extended family (the mom's cousins and their adult children and some great aunts) wanted to meet the baby and show their support too, so my mom and Grandma (the aunt of the new mom) threw a diaper shower after she'd had time to recover and bond. The momma brought the baby (which was delightful for everyone involved and gave her the ability to get out of the house and have a break without having to deal with pumping or separation anxiety. Everyone who came brought a big box of diapers in varying sizes since the cost can really add up and then some people also choose to bring little things that hadn't been bought off the registry, they thought she'd like, or that they'd made (like the baby blanket i made). It was such a great time that we decided we'd start doing that for all of our baby showers on that side going forward

[@DragonFae16]

#1: Tell the MIL that she's free to hold the shower, but you won't be there. #2: Toss the husband. #3: At a family gathering, making sure MIL is there, stand up and say 'I just wanted to let everyone know, physical touch makes me very uncomfortable. I know that my belly is tempting, but I'm asking everyone here to respect me and not touch me. Thank you in advance.' After that, any time MIL tries to touch the belly, loudy say 'MIL, I said very clearly at the family gathering how uncomfortable being touched makes me. Please stop disrespecting me and ignoring my wishes'.

[@alex_blue5802]

Or her husband could say it if she's not comfortable addressing a big crowd.

[@dp9828]

That 'no touching' comment reminds me of Edna Mode's 'no capes' haha

[@BAdtnl]

16:20 YES! THANK YOU!! Sincerely, a dog trainer :)

[@bradiedean7466]

I totally agree with what you're saying about not blaming certain breeds for the damage caused by no/bad training, though i do think OP isn't wrong for being more concerned by the breed since an aggressive pit bull (or any large breed dog) is going to be capable of a lot more damage than a small aggressive dog

[@Mx-Alba]

Talking about pitbulls... All of the dogs belonging to "dangerous breeds" that I've ever met (like pit bulls, staffordshires, dobermans, rottweilers) that I've ever met were the sweetest doggos you could imagine. I've only been bitten by dogs twice, and both times it was a damn chihuahua!

[@rebeccajesse4604]

lol the small ones have big attitude (problems). The size/breed of the dog only affects the damage their bite can do, not how likely they are to bite. Many other things go into that and most of that is on the human. (Also, even small dogs can do major damage to small children, so people need to remember, small dogs are still dogs and should be treated as such. Introduce calmly and safely in a controlled environment).

[@AceOfAros314]

Props to your editor for being on top of their emoji/stamp game- I cackled at “dear cyst” 💀🤣❤️

[@carolinareader6386]

You are so right about how differently kids develop. My nephew was very verbal at a young but his sister took a little longer to talk, however she was better with with ffine motor skills. As a person with mild cerebral palsy OP was much nicer than I would have been. Those in-laws need to go.

[@abigailforney7348]

For the last one, in addition to using your words I’d recommend always carrying something large in your hands like you’re a pregnant actress on tv whose character isn’t pregnant. A bouquet, a bowl of food, a beach ball, a pile of blankets, whatever!

[@arcanepriest]

My first child ended up being a preemie, with an emergency c-section... two days before the planned baby shower. I stayed in hospital and focused on healing and baby, and my mom and aunt handled the party and thank-yous by proxy.

[@tarapizzimenti946]

The second story was giving me major red flags about the dynamic of her in-laws completely disregarding her feelings about everything. Also I totally agree with her concern about her kid being around the dog. Considering her in-laws haven’t proven that they are capable of doing the work to properly train a dog I would also keep my kid away from them. I was badly bitten by a dog when I was 5 and know the life long ramifications that can have on someone.

[@nicolefaith9972]

A lot of people do showers after baby is born so people can meet the squish all at once. All I could think of when you said watermelon and grapefruit was that she is making fruit salad.

[@nikkimansell2760]

So many thoughts! 1. I feel that the MiL is the one who is wrong and should not be pressurising the OP to do something they don’t feel up to at an advanced stage of their pregnancy, and with this added complication that is causing them so much pain… Irrespective of the reasons behind MiL not wanting to postpone until you’re feeling better, they are the one being unreasonable and OP should absolutely do what is right for them and their unborn child. 2. Sooo many red flags for this one! As someone who is both disabled and has family with other complex disabilities, I find the attitude of the MiL abhorrent and, the fact that the OP’s partner is choosing the attitudes and beliefs of their very bigoted, ableist and plain rude parents is a huge red flag to me. The fact he went AWOL, MiL ignored calls and then FiL was then so rude and lied to the OP about her partner being there, suggests to me that the OP should absolutely be packing up their partners’ belongings and kick him out. He and his parents have overstepped the mark and I would class their behaviours as psychological domestic abuse, putting OP and their young child at risk of it escalating… my advice to the OP? Get out of there and cut ties with that family as you and your child will be so much safer and happier without them being around. 3. This OP definitely needs to have the conversation with their MiL about this issue as they need to be made to understand what the issue is. OP could be on the autism spectrum, which commonly leads to them having issues around physical touch from anyone. There is also the potential that OP has been assaulted at some point in their past which has left them with that trauma and potentially some PTSD which the MiL is then triggering… so many possible reasons that could cause OP to feel uncomfortable, but ultimately, they need to take charge and remind them that they are the one growing the baby, it’s their body, and therefore the MiL has zero rights to disrespect the OP by ignoring previous comments on this issue by OP’s partner… as with #2, there’s a number of red flags here, just not quite as huge as the others.

[@miramirror9382]

17:28, she needs to divorce him and get full custody with the baby. Don't apologize, don't go to the in laws house, and keep away from that dog the in laws just got

[@Raddiebaddie]

18:52 sounds like the whole family is a nightmare including her husband. When she said she used to be more passive it became clear that they don’t like her trying to set a boundary

[@JessBagherpour]

I agree with you on basically anything, but I have to applaud you on your statement about dogs. Whether animals are aggressive or not entirely depends on the people caring for them. Certain behaviors or personality traits can't be "trained" out, but aggression is about how the pet is being parented, even if the dog has a traumatic past. And if a person can't handle a potentially aggressive animal, they shouldn't have that animal in their house. The in-laws in that story sound absolutely awful. I wouldn't want my child around such ableist people or a moody, manipulative grandmother. Also, what does "retaliating" mean in this context? It's bizarre and honestly this situation sounds unsafe for OP.

[@alex_blue5802]

It's a good PSA in general but it seems like OP did acknowledge that and I think shaaba was a little too harsh on that point

[@Redthreadwitch]

Ugh, that first situation was a horrible mess. I feel so bad for OP having to deal with that. You’re right about the motor skills/language skills thing in babies and toddlers. My kiddo started walking at TEN months old, but had very few words until after he turned two. My pediatrician told me that if one develops super early, the other is usually later to develop. However, he was still in the normal range and we weren’t concerned. His language skills exploded between two and three. He’s six years old now and never stops talking. 😆

[@Redthreadwitch]

Oops, I meant the second situation.

[@jessgoldsworthy8892]

With the second story (I haven’t finished watching it yet) but I just gotta say… it’s actually so amazing that a baby/toddler can actually learn to spend time with someone with CP to learn how to communicate with them and feel comfortable! Such an poetant life lesson. Babies learn to speak in their own time anyways. Yeah that family are the drama.

[@ClaireCaoimheRaeMoonshadow]

My cousins (one from my mom’s side, one from my dad’s) are two days apart. One was a chatty little baby, always making lots of noises, and took longer to walk. The other was a super quiet baby, but was up and walking well before the other. It was fun to watch them grow up together. They’ll be 30 in August, both moms. They still get together on the day between their birthdays to celebrate.

[@everogersdownunder1242]

Yes, also Pitbulls are also banned as a breed in Australia overall. It's quite sad, as it's usually due to people and the training or inter breeding. But, it's what in place nationally in Australia. Also, in councils we live in, we have to list if we own a dangerous breed and they have a list of said breeds e.g. rotti's, German Shepherds, etc.

[@dramaqueen6736]

I have a younger sibling with a disability that causes her to be nonverbal. If I found out that my hypothetical partner supported their parents over me if their parents said ANYTHING negative about my little sibling, I genuinely think that would be an immediate no.

[@twinning1944]

No one other than pregnant lady gets to decide what she does, especially when there’s another complication. Also if mum-to-be doesn’t wanna do it, the baby shower doesn’t happen. End of.

[@mossy_rocks08]

Yay these videos always come at the best time

[@lostinmymind8147]

Right?!

[@PaniPunia]

I'm blessed with wonderful In-Laws, but if my FIL told me his son doesn't answer to no woman I would personally deliver a suitcase to his front door with said husband's things. I'm his partner, we share a life, I deserve respect. He doesn't want to "answer" to me? Fine. He can be a fully independent lone wolf away from me. I know my husband wouldn't, nor would his parents, but I'm kind of pissed of thinking there are people acting like this.

[@Kat-uu4jc]

As someone who was non verbal and Autistic till around 10 years old, even every single person in my life speaking to me, actively encouraging me to speak and ‘modelling’ speech 100% of the time with a speech therapist too - no one’s ability to speak ‘rubbed off on me’. Also it’s been shown that babies and young children who use sign language or a second language before and while they are learning to speak actually have IMPROVED language skills to those children who only have one primary language spoken at home. Not to mention that there’s strong evidence that growing up around people with disabilities or different care needs positively impacts on a child’s ability to empathise, show kindness and consideration for others, have less prejudice towards others that are different from them and show better problem solving skills than children who haven’t experienced disability. The ‘grandparents’ are just being ablest assholes and not only that but actively teaching a young child to discriminate and call someone with a disability inappropriate names. I’d be keeping my kid from THEM not my 9yr old sister.

[@MurdocsMinion]

At the mention of the danger of pit bulls; Basically, while their attitude is reliant on how they're trained and raised, much like any dog, they have a physiological difference that does make them dangerous. That being that when they bite down, they lock their jaw, making it nearly impossible to pry it open. This can increase the damage done to whatever or whomever it is biting. You have to have a lot of patience to raise them in a way where they never feel the need to bite in the first place.

[@haveaballcrafting8686]

We taught our babies sign language, which has a lot of research that it reduces tantrums and helps kids communicate earlier. When eldest turned out to coincidentally have a speech issue (articulation), MIL said it was our fault for teaching her sign language and making her “lazy”, because she ‘’didn’t need to learn to talk properly”. Basically, if your kid is perfect, you’re “lucky”. If your kid has any difficulties at all, it’s your fault because you did something differently to how other person would have.

[@MochiTheAxolotl69]

In regard to dogs and their stereotypes. While owners and their training can 100% make or break a dog, it’s very important to remember that all breeds have certain traits/characteristics which have been bred into them, or still remains from their more wild ancestors. This can mean some types, Pits for example have a much higher disposition for aggression. A good owner that can keep that under control, make sure they get all their energy out in a safe and healthy way, it can definitely be a good and friendly dog. Alternatively if it’s mistreated, or the owners allow something to annoy the dog repeatedly, as with us, it will be more “high strung” and likely to snap. Sometimes even the best and friendliest dog can snap out of nowhere for many reasons. When talking about a breed with aggressive tendencies, this is more likely. After all, it’s an animal, it can be unpredictable. Many of these more aggressive breeds are big, solid, heavy and muscular dogs. Their jaws can take your arm off, and we must remember this for everyone’s safety. Once they bite, they don’t let go easily, and as they are so strong it’s near impossible to get them to let go, dreading away only rips off more flesh. Dogs such as chihuahuas are also known to be aggressive, and often their size leaves them feeling vulnerable and anxious, increasing the chances of them snapping and biting someone. The difference is, it’s small enough to do more minimal damage, and can be easily picked up and removed, and its jaw can be easily forced open. There are also dogs that have non aggressive characteristics, that are still very important to remember as they can still affect your lifestyle. Terriers for example have a very strong pray drive. Some types can be more snappy than others. If you have small furry pets, getting a terrier is a terrible idea. Dogs such as Greyhounds have a lot of energy, and will need a lot of walking, space to run around, and a special diet to keep them a healthy weight. Dogs such as Shepherds are working dogs, they are very intelligent and need to work, they need a dog to keep them happy and occupied. Getting a shepherd as an old lands who never leaves the house would be a terrible idea. It’s ok to admit that sometimes dogs that have aggressive tendencies aren’t always good family dogs, they don’t always get along with strangers, and sometimes something can tip them over the edge, sometimes without warning. It’s ok to love them and give them a good life, but it’s also a part of good ownership to do everything in your power to prevent aggression, and prevent them being in a situation that could cause them to snap, muzzles are a good tool, and should be seen as a tool and prevention, just like a lead. I have a Jack Russell Terrier with a very high prey drive, it is my job to keep him away from prey. I would not buy a hamster because not only would my dog go insane trying to eat it, but the hamster would go insane constantly feeling under threat. That is the same as having an aggressive dog and a baby. Babies crying is a stressful situation for us, and them. It’s a new thing that the dog won’t have experienced before, and a baby’s cry can sound like prey. It of the owners dog to make 100% sure that even if that is the most friendly and well trained dog ever, that there’s never the chance or opportunity for there to be an accident.

[@alex_blue5802]

Yes I agree, if the dog is very large and strong it could seriously hurt someone if it does snap.

[@kiri6562]

With the second story I would be really reconsidering the marriage. Putting aside how awful both the husband and in laws are I wouldn’t feel safe staying as part of that family. What if you were to have more children and one of them is disabled? What if something happened to you in the future?

[@twinning1944]

Love the idea of hubby going to the baby shower in her place and maybe OP could do a guest appearance via Skype if she’s up for it.

[@user-wi3yx3gy2o]

The people who throw out a level 6 insult that is also level 9 ableism, are met with level 1 resistance, and come back with level 9 aggression….this is what going no contact is made for. Significant other is obviously caught up on his parent’s narcissistic dysfunctional family dynamic. It might end very badly.

[@little_leaf_linden]

for the last one..imagine if it was the father in law doing it. that would be SO inappropriate and he wouldnt get away with it

[@jaymeamonsen7728]

For the last one, you can be firm and kind. "I'm glad you're excited to be a grandma, but I'm uncomfortable with being touched. When the baby is born, you can hold them a ton, but right now they're in my body and I'm telling you no."

[@CaptQuinnPool]

Not a baby, but I had problems with people touching my curly hair. I started wearing spiked headbands and the random head pats sharply declined. Combined with pulling up Solange's "Don't Touch My Hair" it worked fantastically. Maybe someone should make fashionable reversed Bowser shells for pregnant bellies that play "You Can't Touch This".

[@maggpiprime954]

"... different kind of pest control" I can't, omigod 🤣😂💀

[@aaronjoshuaa]

For the second story, I (19) have 2 younger sisters, one of whom has Down Syndrome (R) and is non-verbal at 8 years old. My other sister (C) is 6 and so has grown up alongside R her whole life, and it has not impacted her communication in any way (in fact she talks more than most people I know 😂In fact, C has learnt some signs as R relies on signing for communication, so she is actually able to communicate with even more people! The way I interact with C and R is different sometimes, but I don't find it more difficult to communicate with R, it's just in a different way. She's very emotionally intelligent and outgoing, and I think that having her in my life has improved the way I communicate with people too, with more patience and being able to think outside the box sometimes. I wish people would stop assuming that those with disabilites are some kind of inconvenience and realise that we can learn so much from having them as a part of our lives.

[@anniespring8986]

As someone who has various issues with physical touch I can honestly say that many people take it personally and some even do it more when you express you don’t like it.

[@lyndora33864]

It's horrifying how people seem to think all personal boundaries can be thrown out the window when a person is pregnant or a baby is brand new. The story of the MIL touching OPs belly made my skin crawl. (Especially when you think about the position of the uterus at that early stage in pregnancy. I know there's pretty much no chance of MIL actually touching anywhere near the baby, but still. But humorously, MIL is probably talking to her stomach or liver or other organs.)

[@elliest55]

I would have totally snapped at MiL in the first story. Pregnancy is such a tough time even *without* medical complications - like, every day there's some symptom you have to deal with on top of general exhaustion and discomfort. It's your absolute right to safeguard your health, comfort, and rest during pregnancy and it's ridiculous for others to get annoyed that you're doing so, even if they had the best intentions in planning whatever activities.

[@scottgiles7178]

My son didn't speak till he was three, but when he did, it was in full sentences. He just didn't feel like it. He is 40 now, and amazing. Everyone is different.

[@lilasmith9679]

If my so was gone for 4 hours with no response I would be trying to find him. Because I'd be worried about him. If I found out he was ignoring me I would be so upset.

[@r0siepurple853]

Shaaba is always so kind and compassionate in her responses to these stories! I get so judgy and on my high horse and then Shaaba brings balance to the force XD

[@akaneh1989]

Oooh that second story reminds me of when my mum told me a story from the time I was a baby. I have a condition that can include hearing issues, but not in every person. I was taking a long time just babbling and making goo-goo noises, without any sign of trying to start to learn the basics of speech. So my mum took me to a doctor for a hearing checkup, cos she was afraid I wasn't progressing due to hearing issues. The doctor told her "Ma'am, no worries, baby's hearing is perfectly fine, speech will come in its time, you'll wish your kid would shut up, believe you me!" 😂😂

[@Vahlee-A]

Hi Shaaba, it's Vahlee, I'm trans and American 🏳️‍⚧️🤟🏽

[@lostinmymind8147]

Wishing you the best! Be safe 💛

[@faithpearlgenied-a5517]

❤ Hi Vahlee, if that's your name it's lovely.

[@shaaba]

hey Vahlee, hugs! 💛🍑✨

[@kamianya]

Having flashbacks of my own baseball sized ovarian cyst, which we didn’t know about until it twisted. Literally worst pain I’ve been in (and I have chronic pain of many types). Needed emergency surgery and then the recovery was a LOT. Can’t even imagine dealing with that pain + pregnancy or that healing + a new baby (I had a good week I had to stay half propped up in my bed, anything else HURT.) Really hope things worked out well for first OP!

[@RoboticComplexity]

I had a 'welcome home' party for my son when he was born instead of a shower! It was great and much less annoying than a shower imo

[@alex_blue5802]

If OP isn't comfortable confronting her MIL directly about touch, my idea is to have a code phrase she can say to her husband. Then she can alert him to the problem discreetly and he can deal with his mother.

[@Zapporah85]

From a linguistic perspective, speech dely is theorized to be something a child can get from not recieving proper stimulous. HOWEVER. Hanging out with one single non verbal person in a family of verbal people, with the TV on is not how that happens. It happens by ab*sing the child (locking them in the basement for years). I don't know if its possible for a child with 2 non verbal parents to be affected, but I would assume they would have that disccusion with their doctors and come up with a solution in such a case. It's almost like parents typically know whats best for their kids or something. weird.

[@5210smile]

All dogs can be dangerous. Pitties have some of the best temperament on average

[@alex_blue5802]

She said "a dog breed that can be dangerous if not trained properly," and i think that is fair. Any dog can be agressive if they are poorly trained, but the danger is greater if the dog is large and strong. An aggressive Chihuahua for instance wouldn't bite as hard and would be easier to restrain.

[@EliaAliceRaven]

Fun fact about young children : their brains can't handle more than one "big development task" at a time. Now, I have no clue if there's been scientific research done on the topic to back up this statement, but I get the information from my mom who DID do some intense research on the topic when I was that age, so I tend to give it credit. Quick example from my life, which will be a bit unconventional but anyway : when I was 11 months old, for funsies, my mom tried to see if I could recognize whole written words or not. It didn't work. But that's also when I was starting to walk. (Oh, actually : I think the "children can't handle two big milestones at once" came from a pediatrician who told that to my mom, originally !) Then she tried again when I was about a year and a half : it worked, this time. I learned to "read" (known words only ; the rest would wait until I was about three and a half) at that age. On the other hand, I didn't start speaking until I was 22 months old (and didn't have a "baby speech" phase - I talked 'properly' from the get-go). Which, considering how "in advance" I was on basically everything, seemed odd. ... I was something like 25 when my mom and I both finally realized that my starting to speak had probably been delayed by, well, my learning to READ. Because : ONE THING AT A TIME. Duh. Bottom line : I don't see anything strange with an 18-month-old not speaking yet. And : might the child be currently developing great non-verbal communication skills BEFORE verbal ones because of the time spent with the sister ? Yeah, possibly. BUT WHERE ON EARTH IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THAT ?! -_-

[@eline6731]

Completely understand people saying the dog breed should not be blamed for the bad training of the owners, but when you look at the history of why certain breeds are bred to be the way that they are, I don't think OP's concerns with this breed specifically are unjustified or unreasonable(not that you said thay but I don't think OP is stigmatizing a breed when the history of that breed is very clear)

[@SpoonieDoll]

5:29 in my experience, every time I was pregnant, and I didn't want it didn't feel well, my doctors had my back. I had an extra week off because I told them what my employer said when I was sick.

[@catT5236]

Story 2: Wow! That's not even ableism at that point but disableism, because it's definitely not unconscious or accidental. Made me really angry as a disabled woman.

[@PaniPunia]

Hey, polite and communication are great and prefferable. But sometimes it doesn't work. And then you have to decide if you want to go full drama, or petty and possible to salvage but also effective. "Stop touching me, I don't likebyou THAT way" might shame the MIL to stop and get a chuckle from others. Spray bottle sounds hilarious. "You're rubbing a burito I ate for lunch, takes most of the space right now". Placing a post-it on your bump with "petting zoo available on appointment only" while maintaining eye contact with MIL. Or spiky studded belt, as I suggested in another comment.

[@NRfun]

When people would talk to my belly before saying hi to me, I would litteraly feel like an incubator. It would make me feel like making a baby was my only purpose or something.I wouldn't feel good about myself. Unless that someone made really clear that it was a joke.

[@Gwenx]

I LOVE Pittbulls, but i do also see where the notion is coming from, if their previous dog who was a German shepherd (Which does actually require a lot of training despite of what people think) where behaving really bad and attacking people, why would the new dog act differently. The race should not matter, but there are many misconceptions unfortunately, and they have been bred for a specific purpose that with a owner who is extremely irresponsible can turn fatal - but so could the situation with the German shepherd.. (My nephew was attacked by a German shepherd and his entire face would have been bit off had his dad not seen the dog and tackled it.. They where just passing by the house it lived in, the dog was INSIDE, and the door was open, the dog RAN out LEAPING over the fence and was going directly for my nephew.. The neighbors had children younger then him and at his age... They had never experienced anything like it before, nobody knows why it happened. It was not put down. Dogs are animals, they respond to their surroundings, and sometimes even the best of them can act in unpredictable ways..)

[@alex_blue5802]

But if it's a big, strong dog that is different than a lapdog in terms of how dangerous they can be.

[@twinning1944]

Story two is infuriating. I’m so mad. If my husband behaved that way he wouldn’t be my husband much longer. The MIL is ****ing awful and so is her son. I wouldn’t put much stock in her parenting views. Edited because I was so mad there was a typo and I had to correct it.

[@LillithPlaysSims]

Love ya Shaaba❤