My Partner Doesn't Believe Her Best Friend Is Bullying Me r/Relationships

[@malayshamorgan3918]

I’m sorry but if ALL your friends aren’t a fan of the guy than that’s gotta make you stop and think “ how is it that practically ALL of my friends have an issue with this man?”

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

It's like the principal Skinner meme "Am I wrong? No, it's the children who are out of touch"

[@beansquee2383]

When she ends up alone with JUST him as a friend, she still won’t get it for a long time.

[@catT5236]

Sounds like the "friend" is actually the controlling/abusive one in her life.

[@dream6562]

But don't you see, she has known him longer

[@RequiemPoete]

TBF, how many times has an Op been the victim of their SO's entire circle of toxic friends screwing with the relationship? The only reason you are asking this question is because in this case we know the friend is actually the toxic one, and the friends are trying to help.

[@ItsYaBoiV]

Story 1: How many relationships is the gf gonna have that turn "abusive" before she realizes her friend is a sh*tty human being?

[@bryanklar427]

Probably alot before she realize

[@Ma5jay5dontxdoxthat]

​@@bryanklar427 Most likely considering shell even cut off all friends thar would agree with op.

[@maggpiprime954]

She may never. ...until his husband plays the same trick on her.

[@mage1439]

@@Ma5jay5dontxdoxthat She's too stupid to see the common denominator, so yeah, it'll keep happening. I want to be sympathetic, but how dumb do you have to be to think everybody else is the problem and not the one person they all dislike? They can't all be manipulating her.

[@LunaP1]

​@@Ma5jay5dontxdoxthat and when her family eventually starts to intervene, that psychopath will try more mind games to make her think her family doesn't love her. This is literally in the abusers handbook of isolating a victim.

[@malayshamorgan3918]

Comment straight from the post! Gotta hit her with "i hope your next relationship works because if 7 of us telling you john is the problem and you decide that the 7 of us are the issue, theres no helping you"

[@JuanRodriguez-tf7fh]

Hit her With it

[@LadyBern]

A new Scott Pilgrim premise

[@ZomBeeQueeen]

@@thecursed01…she never went on saying crazy shit about them though 😂

[@ShubhamBH22]

Story 1 update: Wasn't expecting the ex to defend her 'friend', especially after the proof she was shown. Her and her friend deserve each other. OP dodged a bullet.

[@PriestApostate]

I was expecting that, when learning that she didn't support her SO when he expressed his issues (or otherwise downplayed them). The way that she downplayed the information implies (to me) that she knows...likely that the last ex mentioned the same.

[@brianaschmidt910]

That's the update!? Damn. I thought she was going to come crawling back since she was somewhat effectively isolated herself.

[@irimac1806]

I think ex-gf and her bff are both toxic and co-dependend

[@chrisa.k.1531]

I’m guessing the best friend was also whispering in her ear say saying things like op is just as abusive as your ex, he’ll try to separate us, he’ll make fake claims or manipulate. It’s a common tactic and unfortunately there’s nothing you can do but hope that she’ll wake up from the fog but it’s better to move on.

[@veezopolis]

Why wouldn't you expect the ex to defend the shithead? She's been doing it for 25 years. No part of me thinks that this is the first person he treated like that

[@madambutterfly1997]

Maybe her ex wasn’t being controlling but did a more assertive version of what Op did

[@Fenrislokisonsuncut]

I heard this story yesterday and came to the same theory/conclusion

[@niq872]

yea im thinking the same thing.

[@maggpiprime954]

Yyyyep.

[@catT5236]

Yeah, in all honesty it actually seems like the "friend" is the controlling/abusive one in her life. He's already isolating her.

[@miminana-hd6nf]

yes, because of the abuse her BFF is spewing at all her significant others, if they complain to her about it, they are controlling her. She needs help. OP is well rid of her. I am also wondering if OP's girlfriend was in on it so she was not the bad guy in the breakup.

[@queencars802]

Sounds like the bestie was planning for OP to have that talk and was putting the doubts in fiances mind. Like oh hes abusive just like your ex, he's controlling, blah blah. Honestly it makes me wonder if her ex was actually abusive or if the bestie manipulated her into believing he was

[@spibow]

Exactly what I was thinking. I was in a friendship like that, they led me to believe everyone was toxic and manipulative and cruel, and I thought a lot of people were abusive when they weren't... and that abusive people were just looking out for me and being my friend

[@messinalyle4030]

My theory was that John might be overly protective of the girlfriend due to her past with the abuser and he was going about being protective in an extremely toxic way. Like maybe even low-key hazing OP. And I thought that if John's partner was so much of a jerk, maybe his jerkiness rubbed off on John. But you could be right and I could be too optimistic in my assumptions about John's motives. Abusive people are often attracted to each other, and a lot of people in they friend group said they didn't like either of these guys. Regardless of whether John is one hundred percent gay or whether he's bi, he might have been the one who has been abusing the girlfriend all this time. You don't have to be in a sexual relationship with someone to be abused by them.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

I haven't listened to the whole thing yet but I wonder if OP can get other friends on his side to bring it up to her? I would set this dude up hard though, hidden recorders are very affordable now and I would carry one in a shirt pocket and kind of bait him into talking shit. Just a remark where you can deny provoking him like "hey too bad you can't join us in Japan" when you're alone and then watch him go off and record everything. Then you show her and either she dumps him or OP dumps her.

[@nephtys369]

Makes me wonder if the ex was abusive after all. Sounds like the bff is the manipulative one.

[@PriestApostate]

Fairly certain that her "friend" is running off her suitors - and she is enabling her toxic friend. When she can't believe her ex, a recording, and MULTIPLE friends of hers who mention this toxic friend is being toxic - at this time, I lose pity for her.

[@jesterbrown90]

Story 1: isn't isolating the victim from their friends/family a big piece of the Abuser's playbook? John and/or his hubby probably have some fucked up plans for her.

[@LunaP1]

I was thinking that too. They would later adopt a child and make her be the in-house slave-nanny.

[@jesterbrown90]

@@LunaP1 could potentially be much worse if the "secretly bi" theory turns out to be true.

[@13thMaiden]

Or force her into surrogacy and take off with the baby when it's born. Any line of theories still will have her living as a miserable single *@$ hag wondering why she's so alone. (There's nothing wrong with being single, but clearly she doesn't wanna be single). John isn't a friend, he's frenemy who's destroying her so he can have someone to "pity" and focus only on him. Also his line about software developers offering nothing to society while _literally using an app_ is peak irony.

[@goawayleavemealone2880]

​@13thMaiden - Irony is wasted on some people... OP dodged a bullet, Ex will not and I have no sympathy for her.

[@neoncrossGRIMEAGLE]

Either way I'll laugh and tell her 'Congratulations! You played yourself!'

[@gH-bo9kd]

I have never wanted a ex GF to find a reddit post so bad to explain herself

[@rowanmaxwell2713]

Story 3 reminds me of when I was in school during an active shooter situation. I had a classmate that would cry loudly and tell everyone that they were going to die while everyone was sitting there in the dark. Everyone avoided her after that. Crying, screaming, and being fatalistic doesn’t help during times of stress, it only makes it worse.

[@amokay746]

I'm so sorry you were in that situation.

[@blakethememe3840]

that's... genuinely heartbreaking for you and for her. active shooter situations are absolutely horrific. im so sorry you've experienced that.

[@chamab.6800]

Crying and screaming makes it easier for the “monster” to find you. She’s probably the type to go in the basement with the light out asking who’s there.

[@rachel-in-the-208]

@@chamab.6800 I always wondered about people like that … I mean, do they really expect an answer? “Hello there! It’s me, George from down the street. I’m here to kill you!” 🤣

[@keythealien]

Sorry you had to endure that. Did anyone try to calm her down? Like did everyone literally sit there with a blaring alarm at your exact location and not try to turn it off?

[@paolagutierrez2568]

Story 1, John is trash and the ex gf is delusional! The OP will find a supportive gf.

[@jasonrustmann7535]

He should have just decked him, size difference be damnd, whoop his behind so hard he calls you daddy lol

[@wimsylogic65]

​@@pervysage4392 Right go for the ankles. Weak point with all that weight put down on them.

[@RockinTheBassGuitar]

The last story OP is NTA. Someone reacting like that in a true emergency isn't just unhelpful, they are downright dangerous. Hysteria can be contagious and cause widespread panic which can get people killed. If the OP likes to do things that can be dangerous as a hobby then he should retching this relationship.

[@Schwiegermutter]

I like how they did it in the old movies. Someone gets hysterical? Wack!

[@JuanRodriguez-tf7fh]

@@Schwiegermutter yup All those comments about “gender roles” are so demeaning and wrong 😑 😒

[@zoe9190]

Ive been in a stressful situation where the persons life was in my hands, and you need to be able to calm yourself quickly and be productive instead of focusing on worrying. Taking 5-10 seconds to focus on breathing while eyes closed to calm down works wonders. What if she had caused everyone fixing the problem to be unable to work because they couldnt hear over her screaming or caused other to start screaming because her terror pushed them into believing things were dire. If it was a horror movie the wife would be the first one killed in a home invasion so the cops wouldnt be called.

[@elalogar7340]

@@Schwiegermutter Tossing a bucket of cold water over them should work too.

[@nejikath]

If she reacts that way to every single emergency situation, she WILL get someone killed eventually by not reacting at all.

[@poohbear4515]

Once I read the title, I remembered this story cause I heard it a couple days ago. EX gf is gonna be completely hated and forever alone if she actually used her brain she unfortunately was born with, and see the real asshole everyone has been telling her for who knows how long! At least the trash took itself out on her own. It’s mean to say cause it sounds like she is being brainwashed by the tool, but she’s not standing by, or listening to anyone who has shown literal proof of how horrible he treated them.

[@kaykay8855]

LostGenre covered this story and a comment pointed towards a possible theory that friend have been sabotaging ex gf’s relationships in case friend and friend’s bf wants a baby, and with no bf around ex gf is a possible candidate.

[@poohbear4515]

@@kaykay8855 Thats pretty petty from the prick if thats true. If they do have a kid, I’d feel extremely bad for them to be taught how to be a cruel bully.

[@kaykay8855]

@@poohbear4515 I mean, he could be a textbook narcissist since all her friends pointed out his sh*tty behavior. Narcissists do tend to manipulate people who can’t stand up for themselves, especially since she just got out of an abusive relationship. Then again, another commenter suggested that her previous relationship wasn’t abusive and friend was putting doubts in her mind.

[@deusdamnit]

There were no winners in that story. Abusers manipulate victims into enabling their abuse. It's a big part of why housewives will remain with abusive husbands; you can't leave your abuser when you think you're the one to blame. If her ex really was abusive, then that's a shame. She left an abuser because of an abuser; but, she's still under the same abuse. As someone that was abused (verbally/mentally) through childhood, on top of having siblings and many friends who have experienced abuse, I'm betting OP has also experienced lifelong abuse. His responses are indicative of the kind of person who was taught not to rock the boat, but instead to turn the other cheek. He is pushed well beyond a reasonable person's limits here, and it's because to him, avoiding confrontation in the moment was more important than feeling comfortable. It's a really fucked up situation all-around, because GF clearly didn't trust OP. OP couldn't rely on GF. And GF's best friend was manipulating her to believe that only best friend could be trusted. In the end, OP should've stopped trying to solve the problem and sat to evaluate the situation. Could he ever trust her, again? Why should he need to provide proof of abuse against himself? Why doesn't she trust or respect him enough to even hear what he has to say? OP tried to fix it by finding a solution that proved he was right, rather than considering what was actually going to happen. She knows who her best friend is; she enables it, because he saved her from an abuser. She allows it because he was there for her when she was at her lowest. She ignores it because someone that would be so kind could never be so cruel, not without reason. OP should've understood all of this when he first approached her about it, but he was too focused on fixing it to see it wasn't possible.

[@fabiancaceres1473]

remide me of the story of a guy who had a VERY unhealthy friendship with a crazy woman ahd he couldnt "leave her" because "he was everything she had left", eventually OP (who was this guy girlfriend) say "screw this" and broke up with him, thing is, the friend group of this guy decide to left him as well, they were tired of him and his unhealthy friend behind cuz they didnt bring anything good to the table and he was shocked this happened

[@maggpiprime954]

I finally remembered what I was going to say about story 1: Ex gf is gonna find herself frozen out of her bestie's life by his husband the same way she and her bff did to OP, and she'll have NO self-awareness to see it. Those three have the exact same, base, primitive mentality. 🦀 bucket

[@akl2k7]

Before or after she bears children for them?

[@Tigersaurus]

Last story - It's a NTA for me. The "hysterical crying woman" thing feels like something from a 1970's horror/disaster flick tbh, but taking the story at face value, she was the problem. If everyone is trying to either save the boat or keep calm except for one person who is screaming and blaming their partner, they're the problem. It's fine that she was scared and freaked out, but yelling "we're going to die" and telling OP that it's all his fault, is over the top. She also had time to calm down and apologize afterwards, but chose not to. OP's delivery wasn't great, but tbh I don't know who would have a perfect delivery after such a harrowing experience. Imagine working your butt off to save your partner's life and the lives over everyone else onboard while terrified, only to have your partner screaming and yelling at you the whole time. I'm pretty sure I'd have some not so perfectly phrased words for them too.

[@chamab.6800]

This. Maybe the car ride wasn’t the time to bring it up but I honestly think he was frustrated and embarrassed and just let it out without thinking. His adrenaline was probably still high. Smh. I don’t see how he was an a-hole here. And he’s right, when it comes to situations like that, if you don’t know what to do you stay out of the way. I thought everyone knew this. I will say this though, one way to help perhaps ease some anxiety is to teach her how to sail.

[@michaelmurray3800]

In those old 70s horror movies that gave the hysterical woman a quick slap the snap her out of it. lol

[@marikaaromaa8165]

​@@michaelmurray3800 Or few if the first one didn't do the job. I hate people who stir panic in situations where you have to consentrate.

[@michaelmurray3800]

@Marika Aromaa I've witnessed panic during scuba diving and it kills people.

[@marikaaromaa8165]

@@michaelmurray3800 i can only try to imagine. My dad is an avid sailor and I remember a time when me, my dad, my uncle, cousin and grandpa went to a weekend trip by boat and when we came back we were hit by not quite a storm but stronger winds. The boat was rocking from side to side, but my dad just told to me and cousin to stay inside and try not to throw up on the bed. Worst time then, but I can laugh about it now 😂

[@dakotasan8719]

Trash took itself out. If I were in OP’s shoes I’d be calling the ex “John’s loyal little cultist” every time we crossed paths. But I’m petty.

[@locusxe1411]

Story 3 might be controversial but it’s a NTA for me. I get that it’s definitely scary to be in that situation but you need to keep it together. Her screaming at over and I’ve that they were all going to die and blaming Op for bringer her there was probably making them feel worse about the situation than they already did. Like Op said, they were all scared but they had to handle the situation as best as they could. It’s a valid concern for him to have especially if they plan on spending the rest of their lives together. What if they have a child and something terrible happens to them? Will she collapse and start crying or will she immediately take action? Again, it’s understandable she was scared but Op needed to tell her that

[@Rose-yt5hi]

And he definitely should take it as a massive red flag if he intends to have kids in the future. Imagine never feeling safe letting your SO be the sole caregiver of your kids for even a minute because if something unexpected happens in that minute, GF is just going to make it worse. Like she’s going to be George Costanza in that birthday party fire, shoving kids out of the way in hopes of securing her own safety first. Lmao.

[@blakezummo264]

Exactly. Last time I screamed and cried "we're all gonna die" I was in 1st grade on a fieldtrip where the bus broke down

[@JuanRodriguez-tf7fh]

Not controversial at all Get your emotions in check They are no one else’s problem but your own

[@tgbedini]

I really disagreed with the long winded commenter who accuses op of all kinds of sexism and favoring trad gender roles. Thing is, he was asking a grown woman to be more mature, more capable, and less the gender stereotype of a woman who falls to pieces in every single emergency. If anything, it was her that was not acting like a feminist, but rather like a burden in a dicey situation.

[@willSugar]

Yeah I am a woman and a feminist and I did not get sexism vibes. But I do think if you can't rely on someone then being in a relationship with them isn't a good idea.

[@Salazarsalsa]

After knowing someone 25 years, you should be able to tell they're garbage

[@AndyyWithAY]

The dad scolding the monsters under the bed is so frikkin adorable. That's such a parent thing to do. I just can't. And that twist that it was Mary writing? Chef's kiss 😘😘

[@ThatsViews]

I was frightened of monsters as a child due to too an abusive mentally ill teenage girl who lived next door. I was also frightened of Daleks so I created in my mind my own personal full sized Dalek guard to patrol the upstairs of our house where the monsters lived When it was time for bed I'd look up the stairs and I could see the Dalek rumbling to the head of the tairs to wait for me.

[@ThatsViews]

Does he have any evidence it was FIL he met in the corridor? It might have been the monster posing as FIL, smarting from another scolding from Dad!

[@LoneTiger]

FIL is very, very wrong, monsters are very real, they just happen to disguise it, and look very human, teaching the kid to identify them is important.

[@nataliereeves3594]

Sounds like father in law didn't have much to do with his daughter as a child. The daughter saying "mom did it for me as a child," but father in law didn't seem to know that.

[@divyanshvashisth6537]

Story 3: NTA, I once read a story about the time when a father was on his way back home and got a frantic call from his wife telling him that the kitchen had caught on fire and she ran out of the house. Luckily the father was almost home so it did not take him long to reach there. Once he got there he saw his wife was sitting on the pavement alone, he asked her if she had called the fire department. She replied with a no. Then he asked her where their daughter was, she told him that the daughter is still in the nursery sleeping (yup, this woman left her child alone in a house fire and ran out and did not even call for help). The father rushed in brought his daughter out then put out the fire with the fire extinguisher that is always there in their kitchen. Not sure what happened after that but i think the father in the story ended up divorcing his wife. And anyone with even half a brain cell can see that the OP is NTA as his wife's reaction in that situation also put others in danger. I got some details wrong but i found a narration of the story. kzbin.info/www/bejne/hmSbomx7lttpq6c The point still stands. (Ignore the narrator he is trying to make himself feel better about himself LOL.)

[@Chuckf66]

God yes! I remember that story! She was basically sitting outside having a meltdown & completely ignored the kids.

[@Bucketus.Lord.of.Buckets]

Interesting, you have an abusive friend who has an abusive husband, who "saved" the ex from an abusive partner in a previous relationship. Just spitballing here, but abusive friend and their partner manipulated the old relationship and got her to think her ex was abusive. That will be the story she says about OP now.

[@ScooterBond1970]

And it will be the same story she tells about her next STB-Ex, and the one after that, and the one after that, until she finally takes off her rosey glasses.

[@liyo210]

🎯

[@ciomaria6137]

The scolding the monster under the bed story was so cute… In my house, I give my kids invisible utility belts and/or boots that have tools against scary dreams. They only work in dreamland. 😉

[@WyntheRogue]

OK, THAT is heckin' wholesome that being said, I concur in the second story being wholesome as well. With the update from the now 20 yo daughter, it shows us how it's the little things that leave the biggest impact in a child's life. Her dad is definitely a major MVP.

[@Hogwarts_dropoutt]

Story 1: I guess that according to the girlfriends friend John this will be the second “abusive” relationship he has saved her from! She better prepare to stay single forever if she’s gonna keep John in her life!

[@Artem2034]

Then she will be one of those that says all of her ex's were crazy and abusive.

[@crowdemon_archives]

And the funniest bit is the twist: the crazy was all just her "friend".

[@catnoir1333]

Story 1: I kinda feel sorry for OP's ex, she doesn't seem to understand that her best friend is actually the abusive controlling one. She believed him over her boyfriend and cut ties with her other friends for her bestie too. I'm glad OP is out of that toxic situation, but hopefully the ex realizes that she is believing the wrong person sooner rather than later.

[@sharyebethancourt3660]

Kinda just wanna knock some sense into her, like Oh honey sweetie baby, you’re being abused.

[@Drezha3]

Story one: alright, show of hands people, who thinks that the Ex BF told the GF that John wasn’t a good guy and John spun it to the GF that the Ex was being manipulative?

[@vanzy01]

🙋🏿‍♀️

[@sharyebethancourt3660]

🙋🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

[@xydis.06.03]

🙋🏾‍♂️

[@heathermiller5765]

🙋🏻‍♀️

[@michellegayle2222]

🙋🏽‍♀️

[@OGK-1414]

Story 1 is why it's important to ask why past relationships didn't work.

[@BW022]

You think the GF is going to honestly tell anyone why she broke up with her BF? No, there is no point in asking, as she's never going to tell you the whole truth. He'll be controlling, falsely accused her friend of lying, couldn't hand her being friends with a married gay friend, etc., etc. Asking is pointless unless you are going to ask for his name, email, and phone number and make it clear that you are going to call him. At which point, she'll break up with you as you are controlling. You are going to have to spot the red flags yourself. Assume anything she mentions about her past is a lie, look at social media, reach out to ex's yourself, talk with her friends and family for inconsistencies, and of course, make requirements without wiggle room. "I don't commit to women who have guy friends." ... "But he's gay."... "But I don't commit to women who have guy friends. So, let's keep it casual and I'll continues seeing other people."

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

She's delusional, he would never get a straight/honest answer from her.

[@OGK-1414]

@@Aaron-kj8dv who said anything about a straight answer.

[@OGK-1414]

@BW022 🙄 no one said anything about "straight answers". Everyone's story is from their own POV, which is never the full story either way. gf said "ex was trying to control who she was friends with". Obviously, she would say that was controlling, but as soon as the friend started behaving badly, OP would have had a better chance of spotting it as a "red flag" / reason the ex didn't want the friend around. Op wouldn't have spent so much time angsting over what was really going on etc. It would've been obvious far sooner that it is pattern behavior. More information is never a bad thing. If you don't want to talk about past relationships, just say that.

[@sunshinedrop158]

Reminiscent of a relationship I had in fist year of university. His best friend was insanely jealous that my boyfriend at the time wasn’t spending all his free time with the friend anymore and he went crazy. Sent me all kinds of emails from a throwaway account that was clearly from him. Broke up with the boyfriend, still have mutual friends and 20 years later the friend is apparently still a massive jealous asshat of any of his relationships.

[@damien678]

20 YEARS LATER......

[@binkao2938]

Friend is gay

[@damien678]

@@binkao2938 and?

[@sunshinedrop158]

@@binkao2938 they’re both married with kids to women… but yeah, friend is totally obsessed and probably in love with him

[@animatorstanley]

Last story, OPs gf is the one in the horror movie that does nothing but scream the whole time and everyone around them dies trying to save them. 😂 The way he told the story did sound a bit off when talking about the boys this and the women that, but he's right about one thing. Going into complete panic mode like that does no good for anyone. Could he have talked to her in a better way? Yeah, but she does need to get herself together. What she did only made it more stressful for everyone including herself. Op could have been more sensitive when talking to her about it tho, and waited at least until they got home. Honestly tho if I had been there I would've told her to shut up. I've told my friends to stop there screaming when they freaked out before, bc screaming doesn't help.

[@madgevanness4011]

It’s not so much men and women as sailors vs landlubbers. Just so happens the men were the sailors. I’d have set her down and told her to shut up and pray or I would slap her - as an only occasional sailor, I wouldn’t have been very useful.

[@LunaP1]

I was thinking about the horror movie bit, too.😂 Hell, the killer/monster would immediately get fed up with her because she would start screaming before they have a chance to do anything.

[@leegraves8878]

You're right they should have asked the ladies so their feelings don't get hurt how dare they! who cares if they all die?

[@mindyschocolate]

Yeah, I would have told her to shut up too. I can’t stand high pitched wailing. Jesus.

[@ACCER]

The OP apparently has to not ONLY handle all stressful situations BUT he also has to handle his GFs emotions for her as well? That sounds exhausting. He's entitled to have the conversation he wanted to have when he was comfortable having it. She behaved horribly. He seriously needs to rethink his life plans because she is NOT going to be a good and reliable partner in high stress situations. An adult acting like a scared toddler is NEVER a good look.

[@sakurased101]

Story 1 Gay best friend wants for her to carry his baby. So that he with his man can adopt and you stand in the way of it.

[@las9582]

Lol that's what I thought aswell

[@akl2k7]

Either that or he really is bi and wants her in a triad with him and his husband. The guy is super controlling so who knows

[@CeruleanStar]

Story 1: I think that the gf is being abused by her best friend. To me, it sounds like he is manipulating and isolating her. He's pushing everyone away from her while making himself the only "reliable" source of information. It sucks that OP found himself in the middle of this, but I'm genuinely worried about the gf.

[@Detector1977]

True, BUT gf is not a child and should be able to use her brain like a normal adult and actually see through the bullshit and the disgusting behaviour of her "friend". But she is delusional and WEAK and lets her be manipulated...

[@CeruleanStar]

@@Detector1977 It's more complicated than that. If she really is experiencing that kind of abuse, what you just did is victim blaming. Victim blaming is not okay. The kind of abuse I mentioned is very similar to gaslighting or grooming. The abuser takes advantage of a vulnerable person. The abuse starts unnoticeably small. Like a frog voluntarily sitting in a stove pot as the water rises to boiling, the person is unlikely to notice what the manipulater is doing, as it's very gradual. While slowly turning up the heat, the abuser becomes the only person the victim can rely on for the "accurate" view of reality. The abuser becomes the only one they can "trust". The abuser isolates the victim from anyone who could try to teach the victim what is happening. The victim isn't weak in this situation. The victim was taken advantage of while vulnerable. The victim had their reality warped to the perspective of their abuser while the abuser ensured that nothing could ever truly alert the victim to it, as the abuser ensured they were the only source of information their victim will trust. It's a horrible form of emotional abuse, and many people fall victim to it, adult or no.

[@Detector1977]

@@CeruleanStar Well, there is ONLY one solution I'm afraid. And that is that she grows up, uses her brain and sees what everyone else is seeing. And that is that her "friend" is an abusive manipulate dirtbag. Noone else will be able to break his hold unless she takes the 1st step.

[@tom-qj6uw]

@@CeruleanStar The 'victim' has written proof of what her Bestie was thinking of her partner and yet CHOSE to side with her Bestie, call her partner manipulative and end the relationship. IF(!!) any abuse happened at all, at this point the 'victim' is actively participating in the abuse'

[@CeruleanStar]

@@tom-qj6uw It's more complicated than that. This sort of abuse can run really deep, and it can be really hard for the victim to notice. The abuser actively manipulates the victim to only make choices they approve of. Eventually, it isn't the victim making the choices, but the abuser's voice in the victim's head. This isn't a matter of maturity, strength, intelligence, or simple effort on the victim's part. The abuser makes sure of it. Of course the ideal would be for the victim to leave the abuser so long as it's safe to do so, but that is far easier to say than to do, and it is often a very long and tolling process, and that's after the victim finally manages to work past the gaslighting of the abuser, which is no easy task itself. It's not as simple as making a choice.

[@queencars802]

The fireplace poker as a way to fight off the monsters is cute... until the family cat is under the kids bed 💀🤣

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

I should not have laughed I should not have laughed

[@HubiKoshi]

Btw. the Nanny who beat the monsters is from Terry Pratchet's book "Hogfather". Not only are the Monsters real but she is Death's granddaughter and they are Terrified of her.

[@paulqueripel3493]

​​​@@HubiKoshi Susan Sto Helit, or something like that. The only human allowed to ride Binky (after her parents died) I believe. Oops, forgot Death's human servant.

[@HubiKoshi]

@@paulqueripel3493 Yup that's her. Also friends with Death of Rats XD

[@tgbedini]

@@HubiKoshi Sir Terry had no problem writing strong women. Miss Susan, Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg, just great characters. He was a treasure.

[@themayhemofmadness7038]

Story 1: John is going to ruin every single one of the ex-SO’s relationships. He seems to believe she should only belong to him. Given that even friends have been bullied by him, it means this is not romantic feelings. Just pure possessiveness. He owns her and he will be damn if she has any other friends or relationships of any kind. He will always bully her SO’s and gaslight her into believing that they were abusive, paranoid or toxic. And she will always believe him. One day she will wake up all alone and won’t be able to understand why everyone but John “abandoned” her. And she will think they abandoned her because he will tell her that. If he is gone then, she will be very sad, lonely and even seriously depressed. And there will be no one and no where for her to turn to. If he is still around, he will just use it to “prove” that he is the only one that has ever truly cares about her. Even though it is a double edged lie, in that others had cared, but were driven away, and in that he doesn’t really truly care about her. It is a power flex for him that he has such control over her life, what she thinks and feels and her in general. Story 2: I like the way my dad handled monsters under the bed. He made them sympathetic and said they only wanted to be friends and protect me from any bad monsters. He would pretend to be friends with them and the ones in my closet. I used this tactic with my son, as well. It has worked wonderfully. You’d be surprised how many monsters can be viewed as sympathetic under the right light. Frankenstein’s monster, the Swamp Thing, Creature from the Black Lagoon, and others. The dad who scolded the monsters is definitely NTA. Glad that things have worked out.

[@ivorynk752]

Are we sure that GF's Exbf was the abusive one and it's not the friend who is trying to isolate her?

[@InDeathWeLove]

Given how this relationship went there is a very good chance that the only toxic relationship she has actually been in is the one with her best friend. That's more likely given how she responded to OP and their other friends than that the actual EX was abusive and this actual abuser saved her from them.

[@AndyyWithAY]

OP is manipulative? OP?? 🤷🏾‍♀️ Just further adding on to what I said before about SO being the bigger issue than John. OP is better off without her. She would never choose her. Ex and John are on some Will and Grace type co-dependency and toxicity. Sometimes the jealousy is worse when you DONT have romantic feelings.

[@shanoc5902]

Story 3- Ah yes, because putting everyone's lives more in danger by making it difficult to stay alive is just a "soft" AH move, but being rude and stressed with how your SO put your and your friends lives more at risk and as such were rash and blunt with your delivery of your concerns is a massive AH territory /s. Everyone is entitled to their emotions, but it's up to us to control how we act on them, distracting and stressing out the people capable of keeping you alive is a *very* unhealthy reaction to things. Sue OP for not being a licensed therapist who has complete mastery over his emotions by coming at her hot when he felt they had a private moment (I'll note that his lack of emotional control was withheld until everyone was safe and took the emotional states of his friends and their SOs into consideration despite him being very clearly upset and shaken himself). I definitely agree he went about things in the wrong way, but it's important to recognize that if the SO's emotional state was fair, then her reaction was not as it actively added not just to the stress but the danger as if she delayed the people who knew what they were doing they might have all died. If her reaction did not put people's lives in more danger, then she was greatly over blowing the situation and working herself up over nothing. She either stressed everyone out over a situation that was under control, or put everyone's life, including her own, in more danger.

[@locusxe1411]

That’s what I’m saying, I don’t get the ESH or YTA comments. There loves we’re in danger and Op and the other guys tried to get them out of there because the women just didn’t know how to help. And his gf screaming they they were going to die was not helping them at all

[@janedoe885]

Honestly my self control is pretty good but if I’d been there as a woman and someone was carrying on and endangering the group in that situation there is a non-zero chance I would have slapped her. I have sympathy for panic attacks and mental illness. I understand having unexpected reactions to danger too. Her behavior and reaction to OP saying they needed to do something about it seems like a drama chaser who wants attention, or a coward. The lack of shame, accountability, or desire to improve things in the future spoke volumes to me. She is signaling she’s not equipped to be an equal partner or take care of her SO in return. Sounds like she wants to be a baby or something, taken care of while not doing anything. I hope she realizes she was an asshole and gets her head on straight but I wouldn’t want to associate with her as she is rn tbh.

[@maggpiprime954]

Ho ho ho ho.... you just put into words what I was feeling!! I don't think I'd be able to do any better myself, stressed, frightened, pissed off as all hell. I'd probably even be worse than OP. That car ride would be the breakup ceremony. I'd be so fucking calm and cold. I would never let my issues endanger other people's _lives_ like she did, I'd get therapy. Also; There's a reason lifeguards/ocean rescue have to knock out rescuees sometimes.

[@thethirdtime9168]

Empathy, my dude. There are so many factors to consider in this that could increase or decrease the expectations on the woman with regards to her response - such as how familiar and comfortable she is on boats, if she can swim (considerably increasing the risk to her life in comparison with those who can), and if this is a general response for her in other actually endangering situations. People are different, and people's skills are in different places, and CLEARLY they were capable of fixing everything up even if she was being irrational cause they managed to fix it without calling for assistance. There is a VAST difference in how people handle a crisis in an unfamiliar environment where they have no control or ability to impact the situation. Being on a boat that could capsize leaves her with NO options - she's on the ocean far away from civilization, there's no assistance to acquire and the ground is literally disappearing from under her. It has nothing to do with how she might respond in a more familiar environment, such as the OP passing out or getting hurt, as she likely knows at least some first aid and would be able to quickly call help. As a person who's sailed, being on a crisis on a boat is vastly different from one on land. It's more similar to a crisis in the wilderness. It requires the right kind of mentality and a degree of personal choice - and the fact that Fiancee tagged along probably means she's there more for OP than out of her own interest. OP, on the other hand, had poor problem solving skills (and frankly sounds a bit paranoid with how he talks about assessing and being in need of controlling his surroundings, but I guess if you live in a very unsafe environment that may be fair). If this truly was a thing bothering him to the point of bringing it up with her, talking about it in a moment where she might still be rattled and directly accusing her of being incapable isn't the right strategy. I don't even see what he hoped to gain by bringing it up in this manner, cause what's she meant to do with that approach? Other than feel bad? If he told her it kinda bothered him, he felt a little unsafe with her like this, what can they do about it?, it'd have been a lot different, but her it felt either with no goal in mind or intent on shaming her for a response she likely herself was embarrassed about.

[@maggpiprime954]

@@thethirdtime9168 This is a good point. I don't have sailing training, so my level of reaction to her panic would be poor. I think the ONE thing I'd do differently that might've prevented the emotional fiasco was to put the other passengers in charge of taking her into the cabin and soothing her fears (despite it feeling rougher below deck). Them having a mission would give them more control for themselves and a practical distraction, leaving the sailors free to do what was needed. But, I'm just extrapolating hypotheticals, and I might've actually been more compassionate irl than I give myself credit for.

[@Grace_x68]

S3 Have a sick hubby who gets a lot of seizures. My daughter still lives with us and every time he has a seizure she freaks out. It's really a problem because I need her help with him sometimes (has bashed his head open due to the falls ). She only stop freaking out whenever I'm really rude and scream at her to shut up and get the medical box. I undestand OP's reaction to his GF 100%. She needs therapy. He shouldn't have kids with her if she is like this.

[@mortimerbrewster3671]

Hearing this story, I remembered the scene in Airplane! where the woman is freaking out and there is a line up of people waiting to slap her or worse (various weapons) to shut her up or calm her down. If I were one of the other women on the boat, the boyfriend wouldn't have needed to say anything to her later because I would have been "saying" something at that moment. I can't stand people who freak out.

[@tacooflove6175]

I can imagine her freaking out in the delivery room “you did this to me!” Kind of thing and just seems so annoying.

[@Grace_x68]

@@tacooflove6175 she has the same sickness (it's incurable) and doesn't want kiddos although she loves kids.

[@phtevlin]

#1 SO went from abusive relationship to another. Her best friend is abusive.

[@fluidwolf]

Honestly I think she didnt. She was always in the abusive relationship to start with John. He likely did the same thing with her EX. Her friend is an abuser and she is an enabler

[@PriestApostate]

Yeah - I'm thinking that the previous relationship was also sabotaged by her friend. The fact that he seems way too comfortable doing this implies to me that 1. he has done it before, and 2. he had a good idea that he can manipulate the ex. And the ex is enabling her abuser.

[@akl2k7]

I get the feeling the ex wasn't abusive. He just wouldn't put up with John's crap either

[@goawayleavemealone2880]

She never actually left the abusive relationship, just like OP is not abusive her Ex was never abusive. The abusive relationship she is in, is with John.

[@MsUnamusedNerd]

STORY 1: honestly, if this was a repeated pattern of my SO’s BFF being completely two faced: treating me like garbage and denying everything to my SO I would start recording that stuff so there’s damnable/credible evidence that jerk wad cannot lie his way out of. And if my SO where do you get angry at me for recording proof that there BFF was bullying me behind their back then I would break up with them. ATU: Maybe she’s personally not ready to be in a relationship if her ex was that terrible to her. Or maybe her BFF was also crappy to the ex because her gay Bestie cannot share his gal pal so he tried to sabotage my relationship by doing the same crap he did to OP. Op’s better off if she thinks it’s perfectly normal for her besty to make her partners feel like crap behind her back.

[@d.delgado4585]

Story 3: NTA. I’m someone who is very calm and focused during a crisis, and that’s not only her being unhelpful but being distracting when others are trying to fix the situation. She might have been scared, but he was scared too. The issue isn’t her feelings but her actions. If they have a kid and there’s a car accident or the kid breaks a bone, is she going to freak out? That’d be exhausting and unhelpful to deal with. The person you spend your life with is supposed to be your partner, and it doesn’t sound like she was being a great one.

[@HyperactiveBunnies]

On the last story, I got to read the thread and a commenter gave a very interesting tidbit of informatio: lifeguard and water safety are trained to leave people like OP's girlfriend for lat since they present a danger to, not only themselves but to their rescuer as well. Basically, she is the person in a horror movie that gets all her friends killed.

[@LetholdusKaspyr]

Story 3: OP has the emotional maturity to deal with a crisis, and expects a partner to have some as well. Good for OP. I HATE people who scream and wail in emergencies. They make everything worse.

[@juliearmfield2634]

I just wonder if she isn't partly doing it deliberately a little bit for attention

[@NeuroNotTypical]

In most emergency situations, they don’t just make everything worse, they make it significantly more dangerous for everyone involved. Especially thinking about having kids, my toddler is a psycho (as toddlers are), and is inclined to put herself in dangerous situations all the time. If I panicked in those moments, I could cause her harm unintentionally, make her panic and hurt herself, or cause her to adopt a panic response that borders on traumatic to every potentially dangerous situation. All of these options are not good. Also consider situations like natural disasters, building fires, active shooter scenarios. When people panic in these types of situations, other people get hurt, period.

[@bonefetcherbrimley7740]

Story 3: NTA, as usual Reddit leaps on Op for being a guy. Op's GF needs to try to learn how to manage her panic. Panicking never helps.

[@eye-chan1711]

Reddit when a woman nearly kills everyone on a ship: “soft YTA/NTA. She just went through a traumatic event and needs comforting.” Reddit when a man saves everyone’s life, but gets mad at a woman: “Hard YTA. Why are you mad that a woman almost killed you? Must be sexism.” I hate Reddit so much some times.

[@rabeaw6646]

I think the carride was the worst place to discuss that situation amd i think op wasnt goalorientated when he talked to her. What was his plan? Blaming her into what? I think he could habe handeld that part much better. He is the a hole in that situation. Gf is not at fault for her panic, thats probably learned behaviour or shes just soft. She is the ahole for how she handeld herself after though. She needs to realize that her panic was unhelpfull and downright dangerous and she needs to work on that. That she gives op the silent treatmend doesnt make it any better, for that shes an ahole too. In the end i think both have something to apologize for and a lot to work on. So i would say a soft esh because everyone showed human emotions and flaws and it was an unfortunate situation.

[@eye-chan1711]

@@rabeaw6646 Idk… I think the almost dying bit thanks to her would excuse the yelling and anger for me.

[@bigheadache]

@@eye-chan1711 LOL. But you missed the obligatory ESH fencesitter "yeah she was wrong but you hurt her feelings. Have you considered couples counselling?'

[@eye-chan1711]

@@bigheadache “I know you just helped save everyone’s life in a really stressful situation were your partner was the opposite of help… but did you consider her feelings?”

[@OZARKMOON1960]

#1 - Whatever is going on in their twisted, sick little triangle (the ex GF, her bestie and his hubby) at least OP is now out of the loop and away from those toxic people. If she wants to let 'John' run her life, more power to her - I hope they are all happy together. OP - it sucks that you went through this, but things will get better. Now that you are not brow-beaten on the regular, life will be so much happier for you!

[@sharyebethancourt3660]

I still can’t get over how cruel John is.

[@evavargas5826]

NTA for the last story. When i was pregnant, I had unexpected bleeding. My husband fell to his knees and started crying. It was a lot of blood, which was scary. I had to tell him to pull it together. I had to make the phone calls (mom, mom in law and doctor) while I cleaned myself up. When there is an emergency, keeping calm even when it is hard is very important. He pulled it together, but I needed him to be calm from the beginning. Ps. He never improved even after having multiple conversations with him. He again started crying and went to his knees when my oldest daughter was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

[@eldeano9964]

When you end a relationship and some friendships, because you'd rather double down instead of self reflecting and/or call a 'friend' out on their toxicity. Stubbornness is a pathetic trait.

[@katiekates4416]

The stuffy army from story 2 is great! My mom had to do the same thing after I saw the Doctor Who episode Don't Blink. I was terrified of the weeping angels. We ended up stationing stuffed animal guards all around the house. They never blinked so the angels could never get to me 😂

[@oOMargariitaahOo]

S3. I can relate. My mother is a hindrance in emergencies, she's only helpful if everyone else is perfectly calm and she knows exactly what to do. I remember as a child, my father having a sciatica episode that left him screaming in pain, completely unable to walk. I assessed the situation, told her to go downstairs and get an ambulance, or a taxi, while i got him his emergency medicine and helped to position him to minimize the pain. After he was no longer screaming, i went downstairs to see if the ambulance was coming. It wasn't coming, my mother called the ambulance, and when they said they would take a while, she cancelled, panicked and didn't try any other alternative. So i also took care of it

[@oOMargariitaahOo]

So, a few months ago, when i had a car accident (i was waiting on a red light, two random cars crashed and one was sent barrelling towards me), i was "eerily" calm. I was the only one hurt, but whenever anyone came to talk to me (i was immobilized on a stretcher), i was calm, reassuring everyone and cracking jokes. Eventually my parents appeared and even before seeing me it was obvious she had been crying a lot and well... SHE MADE ME COMFORT HER. I didn't dare to show any pain in front of her, and waited till i was alone with my father in the ER to ask him to help me clean all the glass pieces i was laying on.

[@riley6740]

When my girls were little, we made a solution with water, and some lavender oil, put it in a spray bottle (a cute little one) that we kept on her nightstand. It was a “protection spray” that made the scary things run away. It’s like a repellent spray that she could use either before bed or if she woke up in the night. Worked like a charm! We refreshed it every Saturday morning. They were thrilled with it. Every one of the girls had one when they were little.

[@1911odisea]

Story 1: People will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. OP should have put a stop to this a very long time ago. He's a man in his 30s - plenty of time to grow a spine. Nobody would ever disrespect me like that and I'm not bragging - just normal adult boundaries.

[@xydis.06.03]

That final comment for Story 3 set the tone for the entire comments section of the actual post. I read some of them and nearly all of the ones I read are actually calling OP misogynistic for his "the other wives weren't screaming..." bit.

[@madambutterfly1997]

I don’t want you to cut your best friend out of your life, but you seriously need to rein in his nasty attitude and exercise boundaries.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

Nah, he's a cancer he's gotta be cut out completely.

[@tgbedini]

He's not her friend. Friends don't do that to your SO, friends aren't massive bullies who manipulate you and destroy your relationships. And if everyone else says he's the problem, and you still ignore them, you are co-dependent, not friends.

[@vampire9545]

You're controlling just like my ex by telling me who I can be friends with! Literally the opposite of what u n op said lol

[@andysheepleton]

With my little brother we used to have all the kids in one room and my older brother and I were moving into a new room which left my youngest brother scared of the monsters. Every night I would go to his room and leave the door open a very tiny crack which created a tiny line of light that for some reason looked kind of green. I told him that was the green snake and that he had been protecting Shepherd children for generations. Worked like a charm.

[@bkr323]

Story 1: Good riddens to bad rubbish. The trash took itself out.

[@madcatlady]

monsters are real , mostly they are manifestations of your fears but still real, sometimes they actually people, regardless knowing your father has your back is priceless

[@madambutterfly1997]

Everyone and their mother is ready to run to Japan now that they’ve reopened for tourists.

[@HobieInTheBox]

I've seen several people go already

[@tatkkyo9911]

It was nice.

[@dennisthrush2835]

🎉

[@DiabolicGoth]

Going to Japan annd living there is a really bad idea.

[@LunaP1]

I never went but would love to.

[@wmdkitty]

Monster: NTA. It makes perfect sense, really, telling the "monster" off. And it's adorable! This is going to be a core memory for her. MIL and FIL can kick rocks, the kid is freakin' 4, she'll grow out of it in time.

[@romiimaggi9624]

Came for the drama, ended tearing up with story 2. Love it ❤

[@TonySamedi]

The monster under the bed story reminds of a song by Aurelio Voltaire, "Goodnight Demonslayer" It's a lullaby that's basically telling the kid they can kick the monsters ass. He ends the song on the album continuing it with "I won't tell you that there's nothing neath your bed, I won't sell you that it's all in your head. This world of ours is not as it seems. The monsters are real, but they're not in our dreams. Learn what you can from the beasts you defeat, you'll need it for some of the people you'll meet"

[@NightcoreNewbie]

1st story. I say let the girl wallow in her insecurities and being a doormat for her "best friend." Hopefully, she removes the wool over her eyes fast before she ends up alone just like her friend want so he can have her to himself, but I honestly doubt it. She likely went straight to him and told him everything and then got told she needs to remove all of her "toxic" friends because of some bs excuse from the best friend. It's going to suck for OP but it's better in the long run.

[@theresaschuebel5151]

The book that was mentioned by Mary about her daddy scolding the under the bed monster was Nanny McPhee

[@Iflie]

Myeah if you want to have kids, marry an adult, babies can have a lot of emergencies and they need an adult who can react to those. Freaking out may be involuntary but it's unsafe for everyone around, if she doesn't think that's a problem she needs therapy for nothing will change. It's not the same thing as having a panic disorder, usually those people behave better than this in actual real emergencies. They may freak out later but they will first save the kid from inside a burning building.

[@damien678]

I have a panic disorder. When I'm stressed out I freeze up and go quiet if I don't know what to do. My fight response is strong so if I had to stand up to someone I would, because I know how to handle myself in that situation. But afterwards I'd be very quietly freaking out. I'm glad she's been so supported throughout childhood she feels her screams will be heard and she'd be comforted, but. She's not. A child anymore. Her behaviour was honestly pathetic

[@Iflie]

@@damien678 I expect this behaviour was encouraged/rewarded as a child instead of helping her control her emotions, she's acting like a child because she never went through that development stage of toddler hood. We learn to control our emotions at that age. my mom always told ne "no crocodile tears" or "dramaitis: allowed. And now though my body decided to spaz out from time to time it still goes into action mode in emergencies. The worse the emeregency is the less I feel from my own ailment.

[@impagain]

Omg i just barely finished watching the Mini Series of The Hogfather with my dad, and it was so good! Low budget mid 2000s, but STILL excellent! Saving up for the audiobook of it cuz I loved it so much. When they talked about the nanny with the poker, I thought of that immediately

[@BruinPhD2009]

First story, Good Lord! 1. John and his husband are two bitter fools whose only passion is making other people feel miserable. Lost causes, the both of them. 2. Girlfriend is gonna wake up alone real soon. Jeez, if she's desperate for a gay best friend, there's plenty of people who would build her life up, rather than lurk in the shadows and tear her down. She needs some serious counseling. 3. OP is *WAY* better off.

[@GhostBear3067]

Story 2- That story is straight up adorable and a genius level solution to the bed monster problem. Maybe next time while scolding the monster threaten to start charging ot rent if it insists on living under the child's bed.

[@annienunyabiz6627]

Story 1: Based off her reaction to OP trying to get proof and set a boundary for himself to no longer be subjected to abuse, I'd say the prior relationship was much the same. She claimed OP was trying to say who she can be friends with just like her ex. My money is on John sabotaging every relationship by being verbally abusive, the ex-boyfriend decided he doesn't want to deal with an abusive person anymore, and John twisting it to be controlling abuse. OP, and I suspect the other ex, are better off without that drama.

[@toxicginger9936]

YUP.

[@sharyebethancourt3660]

I’m dying imagining FIL telling Mary in story 2 to toughen up. Like, she’s 4 sir, bffr!

[@velvetmau]

Last story: not the a-hole. If you can't quietly freak out inside your mind then you should not be participating in potentially dangerous group activities, the reason is sometimes humans have to rely on each other and themselves to get out of a sticky situation and having to drag along some unhelpful person who's freaking out is not going to help the situation.

[@madcatlady]

I had that one friend that screamed and panicked in emergencies what's worse is she is a nurse! I go into autopilot in such situations, not saying I do the right thing but I always try to do something like climbing out of my wrecked car and asking the other driver that crashed into me if they had insurance after checking if my passengers were alive 😹 logically looking back it wasn't a priority just what my quietly panicking brain decided at the moment

[@madambutterfly1997]

Why is he so damn invested in their relationship when he’s married for fucks sake

[@Barlmoro]

At a other Channel i hear the Story and one in the comments says: maybe he is bi or the try to get her later as a natural Egg donor for a child

[@madambutterfly1997]

@@Barlmoro and that's probably why she refuses to listen to anyone talking shit

[@alexlibby5087]

Story 3: NTA - all I can think is in situations in which I work with horses and train dangerous/large+intense breeds of dogs That reaction would make the situation not only 10x worse - but also the reason I wind up injured or killed. A calm or atleast “stay out of the way” mindset is needed in tough and scary situations; and if your a grown adult who can not control themselves in the situation than I’m going to limit what events i invite this person too. I couldn’t imagine having a person like that as a life partner. Edit; as others pointed out - imagine having children? Kids desperately need their parents too stay calm when things go bad, and they will go bad - imagine a mom with catastrophic thinking & reactions 😬

[@jennilynne1977]

I hope everyone is having a great day/afternoon/night! Peace ☮️, hugs 🤗 and love 😘!

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

You too m8💜💜🤗🤗

[@MarkNarrations]

You too Jenni, have a good one :)

[@maggpiprime954]

You too! 💙💖💚💞💛💕

[@lisear2926]

God l, I'm 56 and still feel uncomfortable hanging my feet off the side of the bed. I'm so glad to have your company Mark😊

[@keyboardwarrior3702]

Last story NTA. I don't care what gender you are. If you start flipping your shit, screaming, and generally making things worse while I'm trying to handle a crisis... you're lucky to get a calm discussion about it later. I think OP handled it pretty well. I would have been tempted to throw her off the boat right then and there. They were in a situation where attention was the difference between life and death. The last thing anyone needed was a blubbering banshee distracting everyone.

[@hilarymurray8741]

Boat in a storm story : NTA OP. I tend to be like you in tough situations, and don't panic easily. My fiance behaving like that and making everything so much worse would really wind me up. I don't think I could spend my life with someone as cowardly, and so defensive of their actions, as that. I would lose a great deal of respect for them, and dread how they would react in any possibly dangerous situation. She sounds like a self centred princess with no regard for anyone else. Major red flag regarding character imo. Run, OP. If you can't find a 'Wonderwoman', at least find one with a bit of courage and faith in you.

[@MarkNarrations]

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

I love the magical background 🤗🤗💜💜

[@BlankBrain]

Boat trip. I wouldn't want to get saddled with someone who freaks out during an adventure. I also wouldn't want to be with someone who is unaware of their surroundings. I had a GF who was totally la-de-da in a bad part of town with some bad people following us. She waited for the crosswalk sign to say "walk" before crossing a street with no traffic at 11:30 PM. I realized I couldn't count on her.

[@GIChiyo]

Story 1: She traded one abusive boyfriend for an abusive "friend", just wow this is really sad...

[@BloodShed4REAL]

One would wonder if her ex really was abusive. Because it sure looks like she and the friend are the abusers.

[@My9thMyJoy]

I bet the “abuse” was not liking John.

[@fluidwolf]

​@@My9thMyJoy Most likely. This likely wasnt the first nor will it be the last time he does this

[@mage1439]

@@My9thMyJoy No, I bet the abuse was being someone that John didn't want around. Which is pretty much anyone who threatens to be closer to her than him.

[@130shooter1]

Last story: OPs delivery was harsh.what his gf needs to understand is that panic is contagious. Her freak out could have made the situation far worse than it was.

[@taylorslade961]

I would bet money that if OP were to reach out to the "abusive" ex, they would relay a very similar story to OPs. The "best friend" sounds like a stereotypically catty gay guy, which is a shame, because his whole personality is a cliche.

[@ravenmagic2276]

Being bitchy and gay isn't a whole personality. Those types always crash and burn viciously eventually. I've watched it happen loads, but the worst part is they usually drag one or two friends that they got their hooks into down with them

[@nexutus8073]

S1: I would bet a good amount of money that her last relationship was also not abusive and that he uses his "heroic" save as emotional leverage against her. I don't know if his entire game has a romantic element or he is simply a controlling friend but he is intentionally destroying her other relationships and friendships. Important: It is not entirely the bestfriends fault. The ex gf is completely delusional and maybe mentally not stable. The moment her "my bestfriend is always right" world few is threatened in any kind she goes completely nuts and accusses anyone of abuse who questions this believe. At the end, when her bestfriend drops her she will be a world of pain and completely alone

[@toshi9742]

Story 3 reminds me of the kids who used to scream when the lights turned off in class. It’s extremely immature and ignorant to the fact that the screams fuel the panic of the situation. People are allowed to react the way they naturally would however at some point it’s simply hysteria that needs to be shut down (ie get them to snap out of it- especially if they won’t stop screaming about they’re going to die and trying to point blame at everyone else around them- I mean is that really what you’d want your last moments to be? Screaming and shouting vile nonsense?). My mum gets a similar reaction when bad things happen and the only way I’ve found to help (ie stop the hysteria without coming across as ‘attacking’ her) is to firmly tell her to stop and either sit down or move away from the threat (whichever is best for the scenario). Had our oven randomly catch fire and she was stood there for a solid ten seconds panicking and *went to open the oven* so I (accidentally) shouted at her to stop and convinced her to wait outside of the house while I got the dogs. (I was on the phone with 999 at the time). Luckily it was a small fire that was put out easily but there’s been several similar times where she’s reacted the same. I don’t blame her for not being reliable during a stressful situation, as again people react different ways, however she at least complies when others make requests/instruct her to stay back etc. Even though bad things happen, we’ve managed to figure out a way to work with how one another reacts to emergencies. The Fiancé doesn’t seem to acknowledge that and definitely comes across as someone who’s solely in it for herself (my mum gets mortified by her own reactions but I always reassure her that she can’t help it). The Fiancé showed no remorse and will probably resent OP for a situation that was out of his control. NTA at all but ffs don’t marry someone who isn’t mature and refuses to recognise their own flaws.

[@queenashantee1957]

LOVE HOW DADDY PURSUE THE 'MONSTER' UNDER THE BED. HAD ME SMILING AND THEN MARY ACTUALLY REMEMBERING IT ALL. THAT WAS WHOLESOME😄❤💛💚

[@TriXJester]

Story 1: OP didnt dodge a bullet, he barrel rolled away from a damn grenade. Story 2: Oh look unsolicited advice being given where its not wanted, FIL needs to keep his nose out of other people's business. After Update; Wow, yeah, the kid was right lol. Story 3: Honestly i'm kind of with OP here, I grew up in a pretty level headed household so crisis scenarios dont shake me as much as they would some, so I absolutely cannot deal with people whose reaction is to scream, cry, and freak out. It really just makes everything harder. Like, let's put it this way, if OP and his fiancée were in a car accident and he was knocked unconscious, how helpful would she really be if her instinct is to scream and cry?

[@myeternalteardrop]

I hate it when somebody's justification for not believing something of someone is "I've known them for a long time" or "That doesn't seem like something they would do/say" If reddit has taught me anything, it's that sometimes the people we know or think we know best can be complete strangers to us. The number of stories where someone was accused of something, only for it to be disregarded because "I know them" only for the accusations to turn out to be true is astounding.

[@infinitetranquilo]

Story 3: I’m gonna say NTA, I could be convinced it’s an ESH. You can feel whatever you feel, being afraid is understandable. But at the end of the day, freaking out in a crisis makes the situation worse. She was probably making everyone else feel worse and was even blaming OP for the reason she was there, fair if she didn’t wanna go but that wasn’t stated. I don’t think he’s the bad guy for calling her on it, that’s a serious issue. But I agree with some of the other comments A) 9/10 there wasn’t anything to gain, he didn’t make the argument she needed to find a way to cool it. He just called her out and didn’t really try to improve her feelings and B) the cat ride home isn’t the right place, I just don’t think that’s enough to make him the bad guy.

[@littleowl22778]

I have adhd and I'm continuously bumping into things, like its so annoying and constantly end up with random bruises. I get it doubly bad because I have dyspraxia which also gives me a lack of spatial awareness, couple that with adhd and well you have someone that is constantly and continuously, bumping things, knocking things over, dropping things constantly too.

[@littleowl22778]

I felt so strongly compelled, that I messaged the Op that the way he described his partner. could be a symptom of other struggles they might be going through but not realise that they don't have to go through life, struggling and constantly asking themselves why they feel like they are a fuck up or never can seem to get things right or get a handle on their life.

[@thomasquinn8886]

For the last story: unpopular opinion, but NTA. I was a kid raised by a woman who could not handle any stressful situations whatsoever. From the time my parents divorced, I never felt safe with her up to my current age of 31. I remember trying to calm my mom down is snowy weather, car rides, getting lost, flooding basements, etc..I suffer ptsd from trying to be an adult when I was 4 years old. Maybe an AH for this specific situation, but good on you for seeing that her behavior may lead to a very stressful relationship in the long run.

[@OhHeyItIsNano]

Story 2 Edit/Update had me caught off guard. I figured it was a recent thing. Damn. OP got me good. Glad to see they're making memories and know when to stick up to people. 👍

[@MsUnamusedNerd]

STORY 2: father-in-law needs to mind his own damn business. Children are not exactly logical creatures, especially when it comes to a four-year-old. Fear, even if you know something rationally like monsters don’t exist, fear itself is irrational. Even more so when it comes to kids THAT young. If my nephew ever has that same issue and I’m able to slide out of that bed, I will beat that monster’s ass, a.k.a. lightly punch/elbow the wall/floor to make it sound like I’m beating up the monster, so not only does he think auntie scared away the monster, but he can get a laugh out of it.

[@Digitalfairy]

Imagine if he did use the firepoker method or whatever makeshift weapon at him. Shove it as hard as possible under the bed and then say "If it's still in there, it aint happy."

[@MsUnamusedNerd]

@@Digitalfairy play a little game of whack-a-monster 😂 “you come back monster you’re getting another whoopin”

[@Wander85942]

I don’t know what you believe in but for me my grandparents house had bad energy. Every one of us saw something, so absolutely if we saw a “monster”. There was probably really something there.

[@tracybarber-kier1669]

2. Small children believe in what they see and hear... shifting light and shadows MUST be monsters, etc. And if the adults around them say there's no such thing, the child will just think that they don't believe what they are saying, and the kiddo is POSITIVE what they saw or heard. Then the child starts losing trust in the parents, & starts telling them less and less. You have to believe (or at least act like you do). Then when a real (human) monster tries to do something to them, they will KNOW that they will be believed, and will tell! They will know that you will act to protect them! Sometimes I think that this could be one of the reasons why some kids don't tell on predators. BTW, I did the stuffed animal guard thing with a friend's kid about 35 years ago.. worked like a charm!

[@dablackangel]

Story 1: You can't really blame the gf for not automatically believing him. There are guys who lie to their gf's about their friends in order to isolate them. The best thing to have done is to have recorded him.

[@InDeathWeLove]

Nah I would. If my SO didn't believe me about something this serious I would get the proof show it to her and immediately end the relationship now that I had proven I was telling the truth. It also sounds like he and others have told her of her best friends behaviour multiple times already so it's not like it's once or even coming from one person.

[@dablackangel]

@@InDeathWeLove I mean we all deal with things in different ways. One of my best friends had a bf who told her that some of her friends were x, y and z... and she believed her partner and cut off some of her friends and then emotionally abused her and really broke her down. Now they have a 5 y/o child together and he will now be in her life for the next 13 years. And he is still abusive. And it's draining for her. So while I get why you might not like it. I can understand why OP's gf or any girl might need proof before cutting off someone she trusts.

[@deettekearns9092]

Story 3 - I kind of understand why OP brought up what happened on the boat while in the car. The situation just happened. It was fresh in their minds. He addressed it, yes forcefully, for a reason. Had he brought it up at another time with more tact, would gf remember it as vividly as that same night? Would she play it down? I don't know but again, I understand his frustration. She could be mad but he was right in his thinking, she was making a bad situation worse.

[@socketyellow3]

People like her get others killed, having someone yelling they all are going to die would cause others to panick as they tried to focus on survival. That and simply communication is cut down

[@bridgetbenson6291]

Story 3. I'm a very weak swimmer. I try to stay in water that I can comfortably stand in. My hubby loves kayaking. One day we were out kayaking and my single kayak flipped in 8' deep water. I was terrified but l didn't want to scare our kid who was in the other kayak whit him. So when I popped out of the water I meowed like a wet cat. He helps me, we get to shore, and later I talk to him about how scared I was. Fear is a normal emotion but panic only makes things worse. OP is definitely not the ah.

[@Nathan_Bookwurm]

S2: both my kids had this nightmare/monster phase at around 4. It's exhausting but it will pass. OP did well and we used similar stuff to get through it.

[@SeraphsGenisis]

Good day and many greetings! I hope the day treats you all well!

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

You too m8🤗🤗💜💜

[@MarkNarrations]

Much love mate!

[@maggpiprime954]

🤗💕💛💞💚💖💙

[@kristlthompson4721]

Oh, the monster story! What an awesome dad! When my daughter was about that age, she had terrible night terrors and nightmares. While the terrors were definitely an obstacle to overcome and something she eventually outgrew, the nightmares were something she was aware of, so when she woke up from a “bad dream”, I convinced her that her pillow was upside down and that if she just flipped it over, the bad dreams would fall out and let the good dreams in. Worked like a charm on her and later, her baby brother. To this day, if she has sleeping issues, she’ll still flip her pillow over to see if it helps. She’s almost 21 now, btw. Far too many people underestimate how very true “perception makes it real” actually is, especially when young children are involved.

[@Mama_Bear_of_3]

Story 3. I am a very strong and level-headed woman. I am dependable in most crises. However, I have a huge fear of deep water. So, I probably would have reacted just like OP's fiancée. What happened doesn't make her a person that can't be relied on, especially because OP never gave us any other instances where she reacted the same way. She was scared, and that's ok. Maybe OP was scared as well, and his fiancée freaking out made him more scared, so he took out his fear and frustration on her a bit harshly. Yes it was ok for OP to talk to her about the incident, and how it made him feel. But, what he said to her was mean and uncalled for.

[@gmun2248]

I agree that his outburst was his delayed reaction, and being full of adrenaline, he did not handle that calmly. Hopefully that point hit the discussion as well. I can't understand nobody else taking over and helping her rationalise things though. Being 'good in an emergency' involves managing ALL factors. If all the other women (I'm going to just accept his claim they don't sail) were responding well, _someone_ would have identified her as a problem that needed to be eliminated (ie calmed down/ helped). Flight, fight, freeze isn't something we have much control over, although we can be trained to override our natural response. And some people do have natural controlled responses to danger.

[@draughtoflethe]

This was my thought too. How did he generalize this single situation into "this is how she will react to all emergencies" without considering that maybe she has a specific phobia that the situation triggered? Maybe she'd actually be perfectly level headed in a fire or an auto accident, but water and drowning happen to freak her out beyond the point of rationality.

[@damien678]

I have a diagnosed panic disorder, so I understand the feeling of fear and panic quite intimately. Her screaming they're all gonna die and blaming him while he was actively trying to save all of them is still very pathetic behaviour that is an utter liability

[@gmun2248]

@@draughtoflethe Yeah. I think it would be interesting to hear her version of events as well. I don't think there's enough information to make judgments on her entire life.

[@melissaj6322]

Please keep us posted with any updates from story 1

[@DJace3000]

Story 1: OP's gonna end up with someone better, the ex is gonna end up alone, and the "friend" is a POS Story 3: All the ESH and YTA comments just seem like they're taking the fiancee's side from pure emotion as opposed to being reasonable.

[@paulastiles5507]

Story #2: Awwwwwwww. Story #3: Yet another case of "Why are you even with this person?"