Narcissism And 2 Way Dishonesty

Narcissists operate with dishonest features leading the way. Their entire persona is built upon a false narrative, meaning they cannot be trusted to relate in a fair-minded way. What is worse, those relating with the narcissist also get caught in dishonesty since they have decided that openness is too risky. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter discusses how to stay out of the trap of dishonesty in your relationship with the narcissist.
Dr; Les Carter is a best selling author who maintains a counseling practice in Southlake, Tx. He has conducted many workshops as well as 60,000 counseling sessions.
Are you ready to break free from the controllers in your life? If so, sign up for Dr. Carters brand new course Free to Be HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/go/fre...
Dr. Carter's books: store.bookbaby.com//bookshop/...
www.amazon.com/Enough-About-Y...
www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-You...
If you are interested in online counseling, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: betterhelp.com/drcarter
We receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.
Dr. Carter's other KZbin channel: / drlescarter
Dr. Carter's video workshops on narcissism, anger management and overcoming affairs: drlescarter.com/video-workshops/

[@kesmarn]

"Have you ever thought of people-pleasing as a dishonest way of life?" Wow. That's a powerful question.

[@kesmarn]

@anonymous , there seem to be so many different definitions of the term "political correctness" that I'm not even sure what it means in 2019. I do believe that freedom of speech doesn't mean that we have the right to say things that are cruel. People pleasing, though, is a different thing. I think it's suppressing your own moral compass and sacrificing your own dignity so that others will "like" you at any cost.

[@kesmarn]

@anonymous Likewise!

[@wendyg.2664]

He definitely caught my attention with that line!

[@eurokay4755]

I think you could say that people pleasing is sometimes being dishonest if you are accepting responsibility for, or spending your time doing, things that you wouldn't if it were left up to you. You're doing those things solely because you fear that if you say "no" to the person, they won't like you. Political correctness, I think, is acknowlinging that as society evolves, certain phrases, names, jokes, etc. are insensitive, at best, and cruel, at worst. It used to be o.k. to generally speak the n-word out loud in public; it used to be o.k. for a male boss to pat his female female secretary's behind routinely, it used to be o.k. to tell "jokes" about every possible human category: Jewish, Catholics, blacks, Polish, Japanese, Italian, Irish, gays, disabled. . . At some point, maybe society recognized that these are demeaning and that we're actually better than this. You can disparage political correctness, but if you or someone you love falls into any of these categories, or you're capable of imagining how it feels to be categorized, judged, minimized, and joked about for something you had no choice about being, or have every right to be, then perhaps you can appreciate society'a effort to continue to better itself by calling out "politically incorrect" conduct.

[@kesmarn]

@Quiche Lorraine Like any right, though, free speech carries responsibilities with it. Otherwise we wouldn't have libel and slander laws as well as laws against inciting violence, verbally abusing children and other vulnerable people, etc. And of course, freedom of speech doesn't guarantee that the speaker will never have to face any consequences (like being divorced or losing a job) for reckless speech. It only means that you shouldn't be prosecuted in the legal system for expressing a sincerely-held belief.

[@pachamama8586]

So true! I tiptoed around those narcissists my whole life in trying to accommodate them... I ended up feeling like a fraud myself. And the worst is that after so many years - even if you're finally rid of them - you don't know anymore who you are, what you want; what you need, where you come from and where you're going. Thank you and all the best!!

[@daniellapawl6508]

No kidding.

[@GabrielsTears]

I love your voice. So matter of fact and kind.I relax when I hear your voice.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for these comments! Dr. C

[@josephinenm7932]

Me too. I could listen to him all day

[@Lovelybones1973]

Yes! Your voice makes me feel relaxed, too! You make me see that it's not me who is the narcissist, as I lived in fear of because I am made to feel like everything is MY fault! My husband is a narcissist. There's absolutely NO reasoning with him, and I just feel mentally and emotionally drained after he is done with me. Thank you for helping me see that it isn't me.

[@lissacablerware8475]

GabrielsTears I also find Dr Carter’s voice very calming and a good replacement for repeated negative self talk. Just having his videos running in the background is inspirational and keeps me focused on my personal goals.

[@cr69569]

Me too. So comforting.

[@jerrys13]

I used to have to edit everything I was going to say before I said it because I would be afraid something I said would upset my malignant narcissist wife- man was that exhausting! I’am so glad to be away from this person.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It feels a lot better just being who you are, doesn't it. LC

[@jerrys13]

Surviving Narcissism - Yes, it does! I’am no longer walking on eggshells.

[@creator2149]

Jerry, he used to say that about me. Big mouth said he had to weigh, his words around me. Ain't that a laugh. I was astounded and befuddled that the abusive, pushy opinionated big mouth was saying that to me.

[@susaville]

Jerry S I grew up not knowing how to say anything at all because I felt I'd never be able to say it right. Mom would take offence or use everything I said against me for days... sometimes months. It caused a lot of trouble for me to not know how to communicate when I got married. I'd just keep it bottled up till I exploded in a rage. Still learning, with God's help.

[@ship-dittery2237]

You said it Brother! I'm not quite near relaxed yet, but 2 days have passed since my narc wife has been banished from my home......and even in my present state of anxiety, I can tell that I'm going to get better and be ok. Just scared to death right now.......she is a demon.....

[@carlottaventi9556]

When I realized that I had to lie to my ex-narc just to avoid being punished all the time, I knew that it was time to go. When you can´t be honest with people, there´s something wrong, no matter who´s responsibility that is.

[@lightoflife7795]

I recognized that in my situation, also. Lying to keep the peace, while losing myself.

[@Dastardly_X]

🌟 💥 💥

[@valeriegriner5644]

Speaking of dishonesty....I had to stop giving my mother "mushy" cards for Mother's Day, birthday, etc. They expressed sentiments that i did not feel. It's hard to find a greeting card to give to a narcissist. I know this sounds silly, but it's true.

[@sapphiya]

Yes, this is so true. Not silly at all. Thank you so much for making this comment. You will never know how much it has healed me to know someone else feels and does the same. I now know there must be many others.

[@7777Melchizedek]

Get a blank card and write, “It is your birthday.” Or “It’s mother’s day.”... sign your name, the end. That’s about the only things you can write if you’re honest. I get it. I didn’t send my mom a mother’s day card and she sent my dad after me to scold me. Probably fake crying and playing the victim card all day. I told him “Mother’s day is reserved for good mothers.”

[@lynnfincham6839]

We don’t send anymore not feeling the love

[@blgallas]

The dollar store.

[@martyvirtue4051]

Take a dump in the envelope and send it

[@kevindavis1281]

Holy frig you are a breath of fresh air. On the scale of positivity, you are off the charts!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You made my day! LC

[@kevindavis1281]

Back attcha! Cheers!

[@waaapanda2608]

Kevin Davis, I completely agree with you. I feel the same way when I watch his videos.

[@cynthiaowens1639]

I’m grateful for your videos. Thank you so much.

[@dianaevans7102]

Love your videos. Your voice is so calming!! Plus you are a cutie!!

[@mrsblondback]

"People pleasing is part of dishonesty"---genius!!!! Literally the first time I have ever heard it put that way. So very helpful!

[@donnawoodford8145]

Targets have to self-preserve until they can safely escape.

[@Ah-ed6ie]

Its hard to preserve when the narcs are microscopic with everything you do. Even worse when you sit around having to listen in as a third party discussion watching fake kindness and sharing, one-sided discipline because the other side "doesn't matter"..it's not even a bases support on both sides...so long as they control anything that needs a signature, foods, clothes (not in the means of help but to control) they will not care. The make you feel dishonest about what you earn because you have to lie because they will squander your earnings and make you believe it's your own fault. I even have to be dishonest about simple thing to move forward like studying or taking driving lessons. I will not see the time of day to be able to as the person now knows. Same with this job I have I'm not going to hold my breath on whether they keep me. Small county and I never grew up here.

[@lass-inangeles7564]

Targets need to attack back and stop playing victim. You have nothing to lose.

[@alexandrajohnson4551]

Like I’m realizing that my ex showed narcissistic traits.. what if they are the ones that leave? :(

[@alexandrajohnson4551]

@topherh33 because i loved him so much and was blindsided at the end... I had rose colored glasses on till the end. Like I was thrown off because I thought he was the first nice guy I had dated (because he didn’t hit me, rape me, yell at me or try to openly directly control me [he was more passive] )

[@alexandrajohnson4551]

@topherh33 like I didn’t realize he like hated me until he actually said it. Like I could sense something was up.

[@susancollison8524]

Omg. 27 years with a narcissist, this video made me really look at myself, husband filled for divorce 3 days ago out of the blue, I’ve been living like a zombie and guarding my life and personality around my husband, I had to listen to this 3 times because I can’t even stay focused to listen😢

[@dovelove1920]

It's true. I started lying about still being at work so that I could spend more time alone and away from my home since my ex boyfriend is a narcissist. I used to sit in my car in a parking lot for extra hours so I can call my friends and family to actually be truthful about how I'm feeling. I've been narc free for a year and dumping him was the best decision I've ever made.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Authenticity is the best way to go! It's based on trust. Thanks for your comments. Dr. C

[@danholt7480]

Thank you lord

[@danholt7480]

It is helping me to understand me

[@jcherry664]

Way to go girl! 👍

[@ladennayoung2939]

Yeah I used to sit in the car for awhile right before I broke up with him. Being around him was very draining.

[@prescottlady290]

I really don't see myself as dishonest by limiting interaction with the narc. It's part of, as the Bible recommends, "guarding your heart" It's all about the core motivation- is it fear, or is it wisdom? I have told him of my true feelings, and have said he doesn't get another chance at my heart. But I still treat him with kindness, as part of very basic mutual need satisfaction that seems to work. It's Agape love, not being "in love", as I once was. And, yes, it's lonely, but friendships and finding truth and insight through God's word, friendship and fellowship compensate greatly. Also, through videos such as yours, Dr. Carter. -thank-you, very much!

[@jenniferanne8338]

It’s easier to be honest with SAFE people. Sometimes with narcissists they put you in double binds which is; lying to them is bad, and telling them the truth is bad....= fear of consequences

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

I have indeed kept information about my daily activities from my Narc husband- not because I've done anything wrong, but because he is not only highly critical, he "saves" things I've shared with him to try to use against me at a future date. The times I have decided to share things with him have always ended in regret on my part. And if I censure myself in a conversation with him to avoid his judgment, he complains that I'm not sharing with him- that I'm boring! I have no desire to provide him with the ammunition to shoot me. Am I being dishonest in withholding? Yes, but it's become necessary because he has systematically made whole areas of normal communication so painful.

[@lanadeltorro7663]

Nancy Luckhurst isn’t it awful how you find weird ways to cope with things that should be a normal part of a relationship but aren’t in these situations. My ex would repeat all manner of things I confided in him about to other people. It was incredibly shaming and isolating. If I could go back in time I’d have listened to my instincts screaming right from the start this guy is not a healthy person.

[@Quantum36911]

Nancy Luckhurst, You nailed it.. "systematically made whole ares of NORMAL communication so painful"... you are left wondering, what just happened? That is so crazy-making, I hope you can protect yourself.

[@annatkinson2197]

Hit it on the nail because trying to communicate with a narcissists is a waste of time and exhausting. But it might be good in some instances to state your boundaries and enforce them. The narcissist hates boundaries - that’s their problem not yours.

[@DesertlizzyThe]

Good for you!! Yes I get that. Its an armor a shield of protection. If thats dishonest in that scenario, its called survival not lying. Not sharing can be considered lying bcz you're hiding the true feelings. But continually getting beat down no matter what you say is mind control.& you become a robot with a distorted mindset. Confusion To Be or Not to be. That is the question.

[@denellelloyd1280]

I do get what you are saying. I can't talk to my S/O with out his judgement. He will say things like doing so and so shows me what kind of person you are. And it is always in such a condensating way and then in the same breath he tells me that I don't talk to him I'm not but I don't feel like I can be I don't trust him because he's so critical and judgmental

[@suemick8709]

A woman comedian, I'm sorry I don't remember her name, said," I married Mr. Right. Mr. Right all the time."

[@loriennemec4823]

😂😂😂

[@dieselmutt8865]

^^^^^ And that works both ways between Mr. & Ms.

[@heartwisdomlove]

was it phyllis diller or joan rivers who said that ??

[@dylannaenzo9737]

Excellent line. Almost lost my coffee.

[@nathaliedufour3891]

Survivor of an overt malignant mother , co-dependant father and golden child brother, i feel like i have escaped a sect. i had to learn life from scratch.

[@okramoffacebook1381]

Well Done

[@ruby-qv5bd]

Oh my gosh, I know exactly how you feel. It is like starting all over and re-raising ourselves. It is so painful. Wishing you well. Your comment really hit me. Take care.

[@okramoffacebook1381]

@@ruby-qv5bd my thoughts exactly :-)

[@flgal7788]

Same. Then I married a narc husband. When you are raised in dysfunction like this, you have no reference for normal.

[@Misslotusification]

@@flgal7788 Funny how people share the same kind of 'fate'. As Carl Jung stated: Make the unconscious conscious, or it will run your life and you will call it fate. Glad our new awareness is burning our karmic seeds. This deserves a victory dance Sista!

[@kam0406]

Yes! Exactly right on!!!! I always had that voice inside that was telling me I could and should be doing better and leave this person!!!! Listen to your inner voice!!!

[@loriennemec4823]

This was so helpful to see. It perfectly described what happened to me within my eight year marriage to a narcissist. And I was wondering why I was so depressed! Of course I was depressed-one of my core values is honesty, another is authentic, intimate connection-neither of which was met or valued by my husband. I internalized his manipulation, really believed I was defective and worthless in some way, and yet I was so committed to marriage and to working things out that I tolerated this insidious abuse-until he discarded me for his new supply. When I’m lucid I’m actually grateful for the discard, because now I have a chance to reinvent myself and my life. Right now it’s tough because he allowed our marital home to go into foreclosure (and blamed me for his sinking credit, as if I made him leave our marriage and told him not to make the mortgage payments!)...now I need to find a new place to live for my two kids and me, and as the primary caregiver for eight years I didn’t have gainful employment this whole time, so I’m of limited means at this point. Anybody reading this, please say a prayer for me to step into my power and thrive, become financially autonomous, and live in such a way that I embody my core values in greater service to my children and our future!

[@flamingowen]

exactly. You have to tip toe around the narcissist and you absolutely can't be honest with them or you get the rage.

[@lightoflife7795]

You're so right. When I worked out I'd lost myself and that was a problem for me, I started living authentically. That's when the narcissist flipped out and now we're divorcing.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

He can't see that authenticity is the only true path toward love. Stay your course! Dr. C

[@lightoflife7795]

I agree Dr C. He doesn't see that honesty has value. Dishonesty has worked for him in the past, so he continues with what works.

[@Fluffimuff]

@@lightoflife7795 that is so true. I used to try to talk about honesty with my now ex husband. Like a foreign language to them. Trying to explain how dishonesty breaks trust doesn't compute either.

[@lightoflife7795]

@@Fluffimuff absolutely. They have no understanding of it at all. Initially I was confused about why he would lie to me about an issue that I actually supported. He was adamant it was the issue I was upset about and no amount of telling him it was the lies about it that was upsetting to me made a difference. He always said 'we can't have a relationship if you dont trust me'. I totally agree. But, I was always catching him in lies though. So I had to come to the conclusion it is what it is.

[@Fluffimuff]

@@lightoflife7795 Mine told me trust is a choice. Welll he actually yelled it after I told him I had not one bit of trust in him left and nothing he said bore any weight anymore. He also told me I couldn't handle the truth.. Blaming me. After 19 years of his lies and gas lighting I was done. But probably didn't actually have the strength by myself to leave him. I gave an ultimatum ...I needed the pain to stop and truth no matter how painful. He divorced me. It was rough. I'm sad we had to go through this. Glad to know others understand.

[@lindaduncan4871]

After 52 years of marriage, I realized how I was so entrenched in all that a narcissist can possibly destroy. I didn’t understand my broken life was not normal. My heart and intuition was obviously on guard and broken. I was an enabler beyond the norm. Finally I found my way out. I am living a happy life in recovery and finding and liking myself. I buried myself in sadness, his control physical and verbal abuse not realizing this was not normal. I had no boundaries until the last 5 years and started to see the truth of my distorted marriage. He is gone and there never will be contact. My anger now is that I gave my life willingly due to being loyal and weak, yet living with loneliness, feeling unloved. I am now in a community living residence and have changed without the control, and misery. I gave away the years and am angry now that I know the truth from studying from people on line, like yourself. Once I saw it for what it was that was the end of us. My health suffered to where I lost my job, developed Rheumatoid Arthritis, and other autoimmune disorders and dementia which has improved. Slowly these symptoms are improving. I look younger and am active, I’m social and thrilled from being bedridden for years. I am 72 and I’m anxious to be in a healthy and loving environment. I studied for a year, read The Human Magnet and anything I could learn from experts online. The progress of becoming educated once I realized there was something I could do to have this bully out of my life, He is an Engineer and I thought with our education we would have a wonderful life together. Well, it’s over and recovery feels good. I have shared that we have separated with the residence who admired him. To not keep my secret has giving me freedom. Thank you for your input and calm explanation of my part of enabling.

[@happylindsay4475]

God bless you in your journey- you give us hope that it never too late to start over and heal. With everything you have endured you still decided to get on with the horribly painful job of healing. You are an inspiration.

[@ruby-qv5bd]

You are amazing! Wishing you all the happiness now to come into your life. It is so hard to be an older person awakening to all of this dysfunctional abuse. Good luck to you and stay strong. Many of us are on the same journey.

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

Linda , I was in a 30 year abusive marriage. Divorced when he nearly killed me 12 years ago. He just died November,2018. I see what our kids (3) went through loosing their father, 1 was never good enough, 2 was the the perfect child, and 3 was is is the strongest, I think, went into the military and said mom," I will never be treated like dad did you." She is doing very well, not married but has a great guy going on 4 years, works though 12 hour days, so anyway, they all 3 went through pain and I fell apart. Went to my Dr to get something for stress, my Dr said " stop putting him on a pedestal, he was not a good father nor good husband" I didn't take anything but was told to get busy and it will get better. So I know what you mean when you say , you lost yourself, but we will be ok and that's all we need to be. I'm 10 years behind you and looking forward to seeing my future. Be happy. Be yourself. I try everyday.

[@carolquesnel4215]

my narc was so nice always giving nice words but not DOING anything ... worked on manipulating ... and broken promises... horrible way to live

[@lucygoose6237]

"They lose their sense of self" WOW - hit that one on the head! I could go on forever about that point!!!

[@barbarabrennan1753]

I stay to myself to keep from getting involved in things around me I can't handle.

[@shannonkrusekruse1226]

These videos may not have had many views, yet, but they are the best videos on not just how to deal with narcissistic behaviors from people, but how to communicate in general with others in healthy ways. I can't thank you enough. You are changing lives for the better of all in a multitude of ways.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks. The # of views will grow, so I'm not worried about that. In the meantime I glad you found our channel. Dr. C

[@RaschelleLoudenslager]

Very good and very true. Listen, Adjust, and Rest. Encouraging and freeing words. Truth does set one free. Thank you.

[@Gloria_All_Day]

Narcs gives themselves an A+ everytime.. My ex Narc said he was perfect. I always had to walk on eggshells and being dishonest to keep the peace and not get yell at.. Even if I did something nice for myself I kept it to myself to not make him mad.

[@shaunbarnett2972]

I knew someone once who said these words exactly "I honestly believe I'm one of the most amazing people on the planet" hahaha and he truly meant it. And yet he was a total loser lol.

[@SunandSunflowers]

I definely did the people .pleasing but I became something I didn't like at all. He was really teaching me to be dishonest

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Reclaim you! LC

[@rohithreddy75]

Dishonesty isnt a bad thing.Just dont do it to a honest person.For a narc dishonesty is a good thing.

[@buddha8910]

Excellent video. Over the years I changed and had grown up so much so (I am essentially a honest person) that as time went on I railed against the ex narcs way of living. However, it was difficult because it was/is a domestic abuse situation. So I was ruled by a tyrant who employed fear, and bullying methods. Eventually I stood up to him. As my mum always used to say, honesty is the best policy. And it is. In all honesty my ex expected in a very arrogant way that I would accept his bad behaviour, his cheating, lying and betrayal. Until I filed for divorce. At thus point I knew something I HADN'T ever known, which was that he'd NEVER loved me. He was too busy loving himself and his selfish desires. Many stay within a domestic abuse situation because they do truly believe that their partner will change. We invest all our years, energy and love in something that was, in hindsight, never real to begin with. A lot of women and men find themselves in the situation of being almost blackmailed into going along with their behaviour, despite honestly knowing its not right. Simply because they control the finances or feel there's no way out. I stood up against his tryany. And I'm about to change my life for the better.

[@anneoboyle426]

Yes! Dictator, Tyrant, Torturer and Executioner - unless you can escape their Prison - and you are left in shock, disbelief; changed from the person who you once were, dealing with a Reactive Mind, Dissassociation, and Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, unable to sleep, or having frightening nightmares, isolated, broke and broken, alone and suffering the Loss of Will to Live, crying inconsolably, or feeling nothing at all, reaching for something - what? And praying for God to save you from this dark pit of depression and hopelessness - your own living Hell, where you know Death is a welcome relief...then, in your agony, you start to miss the love of your life, how it was in the beginning, that higher than the clouds feeling, sickened and shocked; shattered to know that it was not real, and here you are, all alone, and he's out with his next victim....who he'll probably marry, cause you never were good enough - try to tell yourself he can do to her what he did to you, and you're not Nissan a thing, in fact, you're quite relieved, but you sit here in stony silence, heart broken, wondering why were you ever born how could he do this to you, when all you gave him was love, when will Karma reward you, and punish him?

[@buddha8910]

@@anneoboyle426 Yeah I have experienced most of what you have experienced. This year has been hell for me. However, with my divorce well into the final stages I can now see a light at the end of the tunnel. Which brings me to your point about death, I had fleeting moments of such deep despair that I did not want to carry on. However I shall NOT give up. Under any circumstances in my life, be it this or anything else. I am more than aware that life is full of suffering. And that we make of life what we will, we find our own happiness. And in this terrible time I have found strength and hope I never knew I had. I found support and love that has simply astounded me. And it is that which makes me want to live, and succeed. Because I will NOT, ever give my ex the satisfaction of taking any more than he already has done, including my future. And nor should you. No ever escapes the consequences of the actions, ever. So Anne, all the very best to you. You WILL get through this.

[@debbiewagner6248]

JD so proud of you for getting out! Mine walked out on me without any warning after 23 years! I have major health problems and I gave the best years of my life to him! It’s humiliating to think that he’s just going to find a younger woman to have a life with! It’s so hard for me to let go! How did you ever get brave enough to leave?

[@buddha8910]

@@debbiewagner6248 I never left the family home, and neither has he. He has not left, as yet. But when the divorce is settled, he will. Its not easy I have many health problems but I am blessed with good friends and family. None of which he has. He values the hedonistic lifestyle, and his sorrows will follow him. Its unavoidable with how he lives, and his utter lack of responsibility. I made use of my angry energy, in separating the house, dealing with divorce matters. More importantly if I visit any memory or sentimental thought I just remind myself how he has treated me, and what he has put me through, then in cold light of day I am able very easily to leave that behind and move on. Best wishes to you Debbie, I hope you find happiness and peace.

[@anneoboyle426]

@singby pass what? Why would you even put me down like that? You must be a Narcissist: sick, cruel, hostile, arrogant, entitled. Inside you must really hate yourself, so you take it out on an innocent, kind person, who has done nothing but good; yet you get joy from my pain. Why are you even here? Karma will get your smirking self.

[@Fluffimuff]

I had chronic headaches which I thought were migraines. This went on for years. I also had chronic back and body pain which I attributed to fibromyalgia. After 19 years, he left and I was devastated. All his true feelings for me , his lies, his unfaithfulness and crazy behavior went off the charts. He went from covert to overt narc. This helped me cut him off. It was incredibly painful for me and my now adult kids who still deal with his crazy control freak, dishonest, outrageous narc behavior. For me the headaches and body pains left me after he left me. I had begun having terrible anxiety and panic attacks 14 years into the marriage too. Took me longer to shake those but living free now. All that lying to myself that he really did love me in spite of evidence to the contrary, believing he would change and trying to make it work with someone who secretly dispised me had created all these health problems. We've been apart for almost 19 years now and I'm still trying to regain my sanity. These videos help so much! Thank you

[@usedabusedandmisunderstood8205]

Once you know they never loved you, only used you, you learn of the spirit of Jezebel, and the sanity returns

[@aspiritualsense]

Two way dishonesty....yes, the awareness of this showed me the different stages I’ve been thru concerning my own ‘dishonesty’ and now am at the ‘silent’ stage towards him...I don’t relay how my trip went, how my class was, how my day went, etc. I keep a lot to myself now instead of attempting to discern what I can and cannot say. Thanks to this video, I will remind myself, even in my thoughts, to be honest with myself, in word and action. Best I can as ‘a work in progress’.

[@debiburns8228]

I am going on 3 weeks since fled from my narc! He "love- bombed" me in the beginning ! It's very disheartening when you awaken and realise it was all lies, fake relationship! I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone.

[@tjszuch]

I found out so many lies my Narc told me after she discarded me. Number one on the list, that she was married and divorced before. Yes, she hid that she was married and divorced before she met me.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It's disillusioning to learn that what you thought might be love was exploitation. I'm guessing the relationship became serious quickly. That would be part of the pattern.

[@tjszuch]

Yes and i kept trying to slow it down the whole time and tell her that look, all these things you want, will happen as the relationship unfolds. Just let it all happen naturally, as forcing it doesn't work for either of us, but you know once you say something like that to them, the will do anything and everything to get their way, and their way only.

[@rsunrise7038]

Todd Szuch my narc hid his marriage from me as well. They only talk about things that make them look good. In other words, things that they can brag about.

[@usedabusedandmisunderstood8205]

@@SurvivingNarcissismThe rage was incredible. Once the mask comes off, they want to destroy you. Mine wanted me to hit her so badly, she pushed every button, and got angrier. I knew I would never see my kids again if I hit her. They are pure evil.

[@privateprivate8366]

Yes, I’m DEFINITELY dishonest with my narcissistic mother. It’s for my protection. If I tell her I had a bad day at work, she’ll capitalize on my fears of losing my job or she may psychoanalyze someone who I’ve mentioned reacted in a certain way in order to keep me worried. For her, it’s also growing a situation that she’d like to see happen. She’s tried to affect my job before and has called the job I currently have, after I told her I wasn’t providing her with the number. For her, it’s about being subtly threatening and crossing boundaries. So, I sent her a cease and desist letter and, if necessary, I will take her to court. I also lie about my inability to go to her house. I do have issues with my car but, I could make it to her house if I needed to. But, I don’t wish to see her. Can’t stand the sight of her now that the mask has slipped and I’m not interested in having all of my personal time devoured by her needs. She runs a business that has positive social impact and the initial goal of the business was, indeed, good. However, in what I’ve seen of her actions and possible motives recently, it seems that, for her, the business may have morphed into something to use to control and overwork her 2 daughters, for free, which is also a security blanket for her false self. What better ego boost than to have someone work multiple jobs and then take on anything you assign to them, without any empathy about their need for personal time and self care. I don’t personally have multiple jobs but, my flying monkey sister apparently has 4 and just hasn’t the finances and clarity of understanding of what our mother is to know to cut and run.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sounds like keeping your distance is a good remedy. Dr. C

[@allidad98]

Two way honesty, I've done a lot of research on NPD and no one has addressed it. I've done it and it sucks. I don't do that with anyone else. Thank you for this.

[@wendyg1995]

wow!! I finally can put a name to what was wrong with my mother. I am almost 70, my dad just passed away in 2 016, my mothers in 2015. Too bad my dad could not know exactly what was wrong with my mother. His life was hell. He had lots of depression and my mother tried to put all the blame on him. My sister was the golden child. I spent my entire life trying to do for and get along with my mother. Thank you for all this info on narcissism. Finally sets me straight that it was not just me. It is not easy to know if you do t have an explanation. I am finally free, but what a long time to be in that circle of deceit. Thank you so much!! Wendy Cc

[@WhatBigEyes]

Wendy Greeniaus I had a narcissist mother. My poor father never escaped legally from her clutches. He did the escape with a job that required him to be gone for weeks at the time. My narc mother was neglectful but I had a great paternal Grandma. God bless you dear.

[@bernadettekutch5240]

Thank you so much for posting this video! I was actually crying by the end of it because I feel that this is so true of my life with my husband of more than 34 years. I've been telling my brother that I am becoming a person that I don't like because I don't feel free to be the person I really am around my husband. I'm guarded and secretive, even though I've done nothing morally wrong. My husband reacts to everything with anger when it doesn't go along with his beliefs or his plans. I'm afraid of his anger, and try to avoid causing it whenever I can. I literally breathe a sigh of relief when he leaves the house, and when my son and I come home from somewhere, and we see my husband's car in front of the house, my son will sigh heavily and say sadly, "Oh no, Dad's home again!" or something similar. My daughter couldn't wait to move out. I recently retired a couple of years early because of anxiety issues, but the anxiety is mostly at home, it's just that I couldn't face it at work AND home. I had looked into trying to leave my husband, and taking my grown son (who has Down syndrome, and is a lot of the time just "tolerated" impatiently by my husband) but there was no way I could afford it. Now, living on social security, it would really be completely impossible. This is why I'm looking for ways to improve myself and acquire some skills to combat the narcissistic behaviors of my husband (which I didn't realize were narcissistic behaviors until friends and family members called it out and I started watching some of your videos!) Anyway, God bless you, and thank you so much for giving myself and other people in similar situations hope, by learning how we can change our behaviors and reactions to the narcissists in our lives.

[@Bintang221]

Totally measured and guarded for months, couple of years. Yes, cancelled many plans for him because the fear of saying no to him would have caused mood swings on his part and retaliation. Yes, and I had to lie about going to see my therapist because he hated her and I HATE lying and lies.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It doesn't work, does it, when you have to cease being your authentic self. LC

[@lindor1695]

Bringing- I live next door to a narcissist so I try to keep interaction to a minimum. My heart breaks for people who actually are in relationships or live with one of these monsters.

[@fritula6200]

Bintang221 ..... you didn't lie to your husband... you protected yourself from from him. The best thing was that you made the decision to go a therapist... that took courage... it felt as though you were backstabbing him.... don't take on the guilt, for this life saving decision.

[@gracea9932]

This hits so close to home. I've become someone I don't recognize or like. I hide doing things that I like because it makes them unhappy and then I feel guilty and ashamed for hiding stuff and then when they 'catch' me at it, that allows them to pile on the guilt and shame.

[@crshia]

These videos are SO helpful, positive, and reassuring. Thanks for pointing the way in a way that brings out confidence, not boxing gloves!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

No boxing gloves. I approach these situations with the notion of not exchanging insult for insult. That seems illogical. We truly show strength when we take the hight road. Dr. C

[@ladennayoung2939]

Yep I kept feeling like I was losing a piece of myself towards the end of the relationship.

[@cathyssimplicity8707]

They are covert, dirty little fighters. I recommend more people should watch these type of videos to protect themselvesfrom covert abuse from narcissists

[@rhamm2469]

This IS SO TRUE!!! I lived it in a 28 year marriage!!!!! Misery , you feel like the crazy one & yes you lie to avoid the RAGE

[@karenbonnici6204]

You are right. I have been dishonest with the way I answer or bring up the conversation. I HAVE BEEN CALLING IT USING TACT. Never wanting to stir up the debate, anger and conflict.

[@princessvictoria3540]

Waw, so true. I find myself pre planning our conversations, and now the narc is calling me sneaky😱

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

When they blame so easily it reveals the shallowness of their thinking. Dr. C

[@princessvictoria3540]

@@SurvivingNarcissism very true, they're very childish

[@ronw484]

I can tell a ton of stories about the narc I knew for thirty some odd years but will just give one simple example right now of his sense of entitlement. He called me up one day (a Saturday) and grandly announced that WE were driving to another state so he could look at a car he'd seen on the internet and might want to purchase. I told him I had no intention of driving a couple hundred miles away (one way!) and wasn't going to do it and he shrieked on the phone, "NO?!?" in the iciest, most offended and outraged tone he could muster. He'd already decided that it was a foregone conclusion that I would do it and he demanded to know why I wouldn't as if he would judge whether whatever reason I had for not doing as he commanded was sufficient. After all, his highness had snapped his fingers and commanded the grubby peasant (me) to do his royal bidding and when the grubby peasant refused to drive him where he wanted to go, it was a massive affront! He was shocked that the grubby peasant would defy his royal orders and not bow down to his grand command to haul his royal ass where he wanted to go. It made him absolutely furious! As is, I simply told him the truth- I hadn't gotten much sleep that night, felt tired and besides, I had other things I needed to get done that day. He began badgering me to do those things another day and said I could do the trip, that it really wasn't all that far. I still refused and by the time I got off the phone, his tone had become even more cold, offended and dripping with hostility and outrage. Later (the next day) he called and told me how someone else had taken him and what a grand time they'd had on the road and how much fun it was and how that person had agreed immediately to do it when he'd called (summoned?) them. All of this was said in the haughtiest of tones (almost sneering at me) as if to somehow make me feel that I'd missed out and that the other person was "nicer and more helpful." and a "better person." The childish attempt at emotional manipulation was so completely transparent that it was a bit comical as was his attempt to verbally punish me for my "disobedience." He then regaled me with tales of how the car was no good and the seller was a rip off artist and a creep and how he hadn't fallen for his tricks. He'd shown him! HE was too smart to fall for it. That segued into how when he sold a car he used to own, it had gone for an honest price and was in perfect condition- he wouldn't do anyone like that salesmen had tried to do him. Thus, he established his "moral superiority" and how much better he was than "that person." So, that's just one little vignette illustrating his narc behavior. Other things were far, far worse such as when my significant other was in the hospital dying and the narc showed up. I was out of my mind with grief and when I said to the narc, "I don't know what I'll do without them," the narc shrieked, "Well! At least YOU'VE been having fun for a few years!" in a display of rancid jealousy. Earlier on when he'd first arrived, I'd been overwhelmed with emotion, had my head down and when I looked up, I saw the narc was gazing at me with a supremely pleased and oh so satisfied smirk on his face- he was gloating and enjoying the pain and suffering. When he realized I'd looked up, he quickly "put his mask back on" and started acting concerned but the mask then slipped again and that's when he shrieked, "Well! At least you've been having fun for a few years!" I've been full no contact with the narc for 2 years and 11 months. Please excuse the long post. I didn't mean to get into all that- especially the events at the hospital. Talking about the narc just brought back all the horrid memories and feelings.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

What a story! Glad you have moved on. You deserve so much better. Dr. C

[@ronw484]

Moving on was the only logical and sensible choice. Besides, the narc used to try to punish me by pulling a vanishing act every time he was "offended." The first major vanishing act lasted 6 months, the second lasted 18 months. There were many others of far less duration. The third vanishing act occurred because I dared to speak to someone that I knew at a restaurant for about ten minutes. The length of the conversation was unintentional and I got back as fast as I could and apologized for how long I'd been gone. It didn't matter. What made the narc furious was because he wasn't the center of attention and the sun around whom everyone else revolved or the most important person to ever walk the face of the earth. When I returned to the table, he was sitting on the edge of his chair absolutely fuming and almost trembling with rage. He wouldn't even speak to me except to coldly say he was ready to leave. So, I drove him home and on the way, I could tell his temper was like a volcano on the verge of eruption and that ~ here we go again~ that he'd pull another vanishing act to punish me. So I tested the waters so to speak in the following days- phone calls wouldn't be answered, emails wouldn't be responded to. I knew from past experience that no matter how long the petty sulking lasted, he'd eventually try to resume contact and pretend he didn't know what had happened or why we'd not been talking or associating. After a few months, he tried to contact me by phone and in mid 2018 by one email but I'd already decided enough was enough and ignored the attempts. It's simply impossible to associate with someone with whom you constantly have to walk on eggshells around lest they throw a monstrous fit- especially when it's impossible to know everything that will set them off- it could be anything. That's one of the things I couldn't stand about him- the episodes of colossal egotism. When I first met my significant other and we were spending tons of time together, the narc got pissed off at me and screeched, "Aren't I important too?!? He was absolutely livid. I got angry and said, "You know something? If you knew a man and a woman and they decided to get married, you'd expect to go on the honeymoon and be the center of attention! What the hell is wrong with you?" That resulted in a massive sulking fit. I kind of think the narc relied on acting offended and pulling his vanishing acts to punish me because he knew that if he got verbally belligerent with me that I'd blast him full force and he wanted to avoid that. Physical violence was also out of the question too as I was taller, heavier and he knew I had martial arts training. So, that left only sulking and vanishing plus telling others what a rotten bastard I was, how I was doing him wrong and how I was disrespecting him. Of course, everyone he knew was doing him like that according to him and he was some kind of sacred martyr. Additionally, everyone else was inferior to him and stupid by comparison. Essentially, if he was with persons A and B, he'd be downing persons C and D and if he was with C and D, he'd be downing and bad mouthing persons A and B. All to make himself feel superior and also to play the martyr who's been done oh so wrong. Another thing I noticed was that if some controversial event happened between himself and someone else, he'd always twist the story and add elements to it that were purely fictitious ( outright lies or misrepresentations) in order to appear as the aggrieved party. He'd try to get everyone to go against the person he was demonizing so he could gloat over how he had everyone's support and how that proved he was righteous and his target was a rat. He tried that with me one time and since I knew the facts and was tired of his games, I told him that "That is not what was said. No one ever said that or even implied it. You're making up stories to play the victim. You're the one that was in the wrong." He was at my house and instantly flew into a monstrous rage and stood up stomping towards the door and screaming that "no one was going to talk to him like that! No one was going to say things like that to him!" and that he "wouldn't stay in this house another second!!!" He then barged out the door and left and vanished for weeks on end. Anyway, enough. I've written too much already. I guess what disturbs me a great deal is how all these behaviors weren't apparent in the first two decades I knew him. Sure, there were little things here and there but it was only when he grew older that these behaviors escalated dramatically and became more and more frequent and severe as time passed. It was like watching someone transform into some kind of hideous monster and not being able to do anything about it. Still, I guess the only way I can look at it is to think that it's like some virulent, incurable disease or illness that lies dormant until it eventually bursts forth and all the horrible symptoms become manifest, overt and completely obvious.

[@BEEBEE159]

This is a great video. Having lived with a psychopath for 25 years, I have become a HUGE people pleaser. I consider myself to be a very honest person; however, my people pleasing behavior causes people not to trust me. To be honest, though, I was a people pleaser before I ever met my wife.

[@usedabusedandmisunderstood8205]

The narcs chose you

[@Quantum36911]

Dr. Carter, you are a lifesaver. I'm so glad I found you, thank you so much for making these videos, I can't afford to see a therapist right now, the fact that you are doing this for free is truly a Godsend. Trying to get out of narc mother's house, living guarded is the only way to survive, boundaries are not allowed and will be met with severe blindsiding punishment. I had no idea how far she would go.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're the reason I'm uploading the videos. More on the way. Dr. C

[@Quantum36911]

Now I'm in tears, thank you thank you!

[@Dastardly_X]

🌟 🙏

[@debraanchante3661]

You are right on the mark about the double dishonesty.. I do not tell him what I’m thinking.. if I like something he’ll take it away. If I’m afraid of something he’ll use it to scare me.. so I don’t tell him. He doesn’t want my opinion.. he doesn’t hear me if I talk anyway. You don’t cast your pearls before the swine to have them trampled in the mire. My narc is abusive so I have to protect myself. I am becoming more and more depressed. For me there is no way out. I have to learn to deal with this while living in it. I’ll be reading your books.. thank you for these videos.. education is power.. I need all the education I can get on dealing with an abusive narcissist.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Obviously you want to exercise discretion, but the best course in to be as open as common sense will allow. Thanks for your thoughts. LC

[@penelopelambson9128]

Debra Anchante I hope you find a way to leave. It's not going to get better. You can't change a narcissist.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Debra Anchante I keep thinking about you and am concerned. Why is there no way out? What keeps you from leaving? I hear so much fear in your words. Your partner sounds dangerous and especially cruel. There has to be a way for you to begin planning an exit. There are domestic abuse shelters in many countries. They don't require money. Please look into this option. My prayers are with you.

[@iwantthetruthandnothingbut6521]

There's always a way out hun... You have to learn to love yourself enough to understand that you deserve the best in life... Until you come to that realization you will stay where you're at and take the abuse that you're getting...

[@karenkelleher989]

oh, so true!

[@DeniseBond1984]

Oh my gosh, just wow. When I first saw the title of this video I had one idea in my mind of what I thought you were going to talk about and I was so wrong. I thought for some reason you were going to say that because the narcissist is such a dishonest person that it would have been chilly cause me to be dishonest, as in with other people or whatever. I never even thought about being dishonest in the ways that you have described and let me tell you, it is so true. I don't feel like I can be myself with the narcissist in my life, who happens to be my husband. I have even told him on many occasions that I don't feel safe talking to him because I don't feel validated, accepted, or heard. This just totally blows me away and really really makes me look at things in a completely different manner.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for these comments. After all, the point is to encourage insight. Glad it's happening! Dr. C

[@gracea9932]

I thought exactly the same things! Didn't feel safe to be vulnerable and honest because I felt unloved, unheard, and invalidated. My feelings and concerns were insignificant. But I've also withheld things and let in unhealthy habits and owning up to them, especially with a narc makes you feel worse- guilty and ashamed. They're things to be used against you.

[@ruebensfilms]

This is one of your very best videos. My gosh they're all outstanding. This one really speaks to me directly. Thanks kind doctor. There is no hiding the fact that we need to be accountable to ourselves. Don't play along with their falsehoods as we too become false. Bravo.

[@dr.elizabethmartin7118]

Thank-you, Dr., for this brilliant "2-way dishonesty"!!! I have been involved with narcissists (I was brought up to be kind, happy, perfect - like my truly beautiful Mum - always deeply kind, but mysteriously DISTANT), and found - eventually - that repressing/suppressing my normal self because of "love" - marriage, etc. - became intolerable. I was unable to express myself honestly........a horrible stitch-up for an honest, decent person. I never became hateful, even now I still love (from a distance, or in my heart) but see the terrible dysfunction and DO NOT ACCEPT. I have to NOT make the same mistake that I HAVE made several times. I had to leave, even though I still loved. Narcissim is torture when it shows its true face. I am NATURALLY, truly, kind and happy - but NOT "perfect", and the narc seems to pounce with ferocious cruelty when you are not "perfect" to their warped standard ..................What a strange life-lesson to be learned!! I hope that help WILL be developed for these poor injured ones. (Not talking about psychopaths - that's a level into evil..........) cheers

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks much! Dr. C

[@amjPeace]

Les, I struggled with the concept of "boundaries," because the word evokes the image of "walls." I didn't want to erect walls. I was trying to maintain the relationship while saving my own self-respect, health, and sanity. When I began to think of boundaries as my own personal "standards" it has made a tremendous difference. My "standards" are like boundaries, but not so much a line in the sand as an idea in my own head of what I will and will not tolerate. I no longer have more respect for my partner than I have for my very own self! This is a huge change in the dynamic of our relationship! Each month that goes by it becomes more comfortable for me to be in touch with my own needs and desires vs automatically going his way while resentment and hurt built up. It can be a struggle, but I'm learning to shrug off his control, and he is learning to deal with it.Regarding honesty, I have been dishonest with my husband of 46 years, and it did put a strain on me, not being able to be fully who I am around him because I couldn't stand his disapproval and devaluation of my attitudes and perspective on life. Because we finally stood at the crossroads last year and have decided to continue on together, the standard I have set for myself is to honor and respect myself regardless of any disapproval he may express, both verbally and non-verbally. He can "like it or lump it" LOL and it's not the end of the world!

[@AJ.943]

The last part of this. This is what I really needed to hear. I will play this every time I need to hear it. Thank you Dr. Carter. ❤️

[@FRMHEVN]

Your instruction is invaluable! Thank you for helping me and others to be whole and healthy. Very thankful for you Dr Carter. 💖🙏🕊

[@kathycallison8724]

I am so grateful for this video! I've thought so many times that I am just as dishonest as they are. How many times have I edited myself to avoid the tantrums, the arguments, the silent treatment. Appeasement is exactly what it is! I'm trying to work on being more authentic with this person, but it's hard and I haven't worked up the courage yet.

[@StoryMotoADV]

man... sheez... you have a wonderful gift. Thank you. My kids and I are dealing with an ex wife / non existent parent. When she Flickers on occasion back into their lives she is ruthlessly domineering, overwhelmingly demanding and instantly rageful. she jumped ship 3 years ago when they were 12 and 14. they had a lot of growing up to do really fast and they're amazing young adults but she still treats them like children. I just had to drop my fifteen-year-old daughter off with her mom who hasn't seen her in a month. within 15 minutes they were bitterly arguing. I used to blame my daughter and try to tell her that she was just being unreasonable until she started recording their interactions. it was devastating to see the abuse and we are desperate for some sort of solution Beyond waiting 3 years for her to be 18. your video was very helpful and I sincerely thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

This puts a heavy responsibility on your shoulders to model the healthy way. So pleased you are tuning in! LC

[@narnia139]

Gosh...your daughter is a warrior...!!good for her!!!it took me 3 years to think about recording the interactions with that excuse of a human being that was thoughtful and kind with literally anybody else except me...I think it was the instinct of survival that led me to do it so I could anchor myself to a truth that only I was enduring...horrible horrible abuse...

[@Quantum36911]

So glad you are there for your daughter now... my Dad did the best he could but there wasn't much that could be done to get us away from our mom's abuse. My brother lives in another country now, I am stuck back living with her after she put me in a psych ward. I will get out again. Please protect your kids by any means necessary!!

[@socalindi8241]

My son is 6' 2" 200 lbs and my ex-narc would try and feed him the kids meal. The damage he did was all him. Finally at 16 my son chose not to go over there. Your daughter can choose after 14 years old in a lot of states.

[@lisas1625]

Sup. Me and my 5 kids are healing too. Good luck 💜💙💚

[@cathrynestone260]

I’m so very tired. There are times I just want to go away.

[@TheLoveweaver]

Oh, wow! You hit the nail on the head. I've recognized this two way dishonesty. It's exhausting and I've felt inauthentic. Yuk! I feel dirty. Sometimes I just don't want to deal with the drama. It's supremely frustrating.

[@fabiobonetta5454]

Vastly helpful. There is real wholesomeness to this man’s words, something that’s just impossible to fake.

[@DeborahLArmstrong]

I really enjoy your videos. You explain things so clearly and your voice is nice to listen to. I mean this in the best way, you remind me of the narrators in old Disney nature movies.

[@leelou36]

Rex Allen....yes!!! lol kzbin.info/www/bejne/j2m4l6J7oZ6mmqc

[@uteburragekruse9767]

I wish I'd had access to this a long, long time ago. As it stands I´m now wondering if it is still worth the effort to get out. But at 55 and after 30 years I so want to be free again to be my own person.

[@grahamscales444]

I know what you mean. So much time wasted and at 57 you just can't be bothered starting again.

[@tamko9563]

Im 52 and after 6 yrs I have moved on and happy

[@wendyg.2664]

I, too, wish I had seen these types of videos years ago. But its never too late to get out of a bad relationship & create a new and healthier life for yourself! 💜

[@cheche9528]

100 💯 totally, I found myself aways on the guard. Swallow my words. Search the words that acceptable by them. My heart jumping out my chest. I got nervous just saw them walks in the room. I found myself living in fear. My husband won’t accept all my feelings towards his grown kids and how they affect me . That they are narcissistic abusive behavior really eats me up . I was depressed. I wrote over 100 emails to him with so much frustration. He either ignore them or came back with narcissistic-rage. If we got into arguments, I found self going crazy by explaining the basic human needs. Or common sense. Or he gave me different realities I learned it’s call gaslighting! What hell I was in!

[@southernette6750]

Oh my gosh! I just had this awakening last week. I told my youngest daughter that I had spent my whole life trying to be the peace maker (at my own expense) and while I value complete honesty ... I recognize I've lived disingenuously. Because I couldn't bring myself to speak the whole truth to others I cheated myself. Thank you for the validation. Again. 🙂

[@erinriley7987]

Hang in there Kenny...you are 2 weeks ahead of me. I'm doing it!!! Careful strategies and I'm silently leaving...no contact forever!!

[@tacmason]

This outstanding break-down of inner consciousness dynamics might just be the game changer I have been needing-Thank you so very much !!!

[@jennifernewell9846]

Absolutely AMAZING!! I wish I saw this when I was 6 years old. I'ts OK now I'm 57, and Les's KZbins have changed my life, in fact..........saved my life!! No need to go into detail, just watch ever single you tube he made, and buy the book, and you will quietly see the narcissists, and finally side step them effortlessly. Thank you Les!!!!!! LOVE LOVE, Namaste!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased for this good input. I'm glad you have taken me along on your journey. Dr. C

[@LiveFree123]

This really helps me understand myself...thank you

[@bonniesedlacek615]

I am learnig so much, its like clariity finally through the smoke.

[@sezss4220]

I second that..... clarity... I’m an empath and have suffered through 2 relationships with narcissistic men. 1st one 20yrs and the second almost 3yrs directly after the first one, I am now single and very fearful of connecting with anyone again. Your videos are wonderful, thank you❤️

[@SiloMap]

Thank you Dr Carter - Your videos are really helping me on my journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, healing and knowing and standing in my truth. I survived an awful 3-year long acrimonious divorce process with my narcissistic abusive ex-husband. As soon as my divorce was final, my male business partner started to show his narcissistic qualities and is currently on a mission to destroy me. All of this has made me learn so much about myself as an empath, and I truly believe that if I focus on healing and learn to be assertive with my boundaries then I shouldn’t attract anymore of these types of manipulative destructive souls.

[@butterflymagicwithhottea9291]

Dr. C, Listen. Your videos are so pertinent and helpful. I have had depression most of my adult life and likely should have been treated in teen years or childhood. In the 70s and 80s, children were still best "seen but not heard". When I grew up feeling inadequate and absorbing all of the messages that I was seriously flawed, it came from multiple sources and social triangles. The thing is that there are narcissistic tendencies from many people in my rather large family so the sources of info were toxic. The thought was that, if I was abandoned, neglected, rejected and treated like a second-rate citizen from the "older" adults, the wise authority figures, then I must be ashamed of myself and nothing I do is right. It was always "damned if I do and damned if I don't". I carried that identity with me to school and it influenced the way I "attracted" ppl. Now that I am an adult, I have long since recognized that indeed, all of those ppl CAN be in the wrong and I am a valuable, sensible, beautiful person. I have also learned that other ppl in this family also have received similar damaging messages from each other (I was not the only one). Anyway, I still treat the depression with medication. QUESTIONS: Are the effects of a toxic childhood permanent? Is the depression purely biological thereby making me more vulnerable to toxic messages? - You may not have answers because these are complex questions but I thought it would make for an interesting video response, if ever you would like to field this topic.

[@ladyofthewoods2448]

Your a wonderful speaker.. so much helpful information. God Bless you and the work you do

[@shawni321]

Such hard-earned wisdom (and common sense) delivered with that charming Texas drawl. These are calming and really informative. Thanks Doc.

[@lainynicks8602]

Life is way too short to spend it being bullied and controlled by a sadist set yourself free and never look back ❤ love yourself enough not to ever tolerate abuse again

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes! Dr. C

[@sherryrichelle]

Dr. C, your words are where I have found the most answers to my lingering questions. God bless you for what you do. You have been a voice of peace for a heart who is starting to find her own.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Very encouraging feedback. Thank you. Dr. C

[@emiliadavis8247]

I'm so thankful God gave you the wonderful knowledge and ability to want to help so many of us!! I've learned so much, and appreciate you!

[@kathalanaoneg1456]

I can't remember the exact situation but remember saying"I can't believe that I had to lie like you because of you," He said" It's fun isn't it." I said" No it makes my heart have palpitations."

[@Quantum36911]

That is jaw-dropping... "When someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE them".. that is not human! You are a good kind soul, get out of there!!!

[@gamayun1224]

Yes, I started to become like him in the short 1.5 months with him. I didn't like what was I was observing about myself, nor did I want to be in a relationship where I am forced to withhold, lie, pretend, be angry.

[@Quantum36911]

NY MSK So glad you were able to discern what he was doing, you really dodged a bullet!

[@usedabusedandmisunderstood8205]

@@Quantum36911The narc would have killed me had I exposed them in court

[@Quantum36911]

@@usedabusedandmisunderstood8205 That's horrible, what happened? Were you able to get away from them? It's terrible when we don't get our day in court, but sometimes escaping with our lives is the best we can do and in the end, we still win. I hope you are ok

[@alanayazyam2432]

Yes I remember this from childhood...they pressure you into being dishonest with them. But I don’t do this anymore...I just let it all hang out, and it makes them insane with rage.

[@haute10in]

Excellent video. It was so validating. The three steps in the end listen, adjust and rest are a great takeaway:-)

[@kellyjoe6497]

Thank you. I am thankful I have found these videos. I wish I had seen them 3 years ago. So far all of the ones have hit home to me. This one in particular. I have lied or withheld information to avoid the anger that will surely come.

[@ayseg253]

Very helpful perspective. Led to much clarity for me. Thanx so much

[@le39o91]

Listen, adjust, rest .... the honesty in those 3 simple words of advise has brought to to tears .... happy tears. Thank you and God bless Dr.C 😇

[@swabby429]

Two-way dishonesty is a big taboo subject on most narcissist channels and discussion groups. Thanks for being unafraid of talking about it.

[@jessicarose4923]

I really appreciate your videos. The content is great, your production quality is decent so its easy to watch and listen to, and I particularly like the bullet points you put up on the screen. It's helpful for those of us who take notes.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Helpful feedback,!

[@handmadewiththoughthechoam9948]

Thanks a lot! I am still struggling after my ex narcissist abuse. He describe himself as being fed up of being a people's pleaser and always a 'nice' guy. He blamed me and his ex wife of being our fault that he had to cheat on us! After 2 years therapy and keep blaming myself to the point I was about to lose my mental health, I am starting to believe it couldnt be all my fault. He compared me with any other woman being better than me. He blamed me for having male friends, he blamed me for my moods, he blamed me of being all my way even though, it never was. He changed my words, he made me opened my emails, he checked my phone and so on. He has been talking about me in public channels even though he was the one dumping me and coming back. After dumping me he accused me of moving forward and getting tonned up to meet more guys, which never occured as I had enough mental damaged to take on someone else but he was the one trying to date more women and I only start practising sports referred by the therapies. He cheated on me with prostitutes and then published on youtube channels that he may have been infected with HIV and when I told him I have found out those comments he even had the guts to tell me it was nothing to do with me and so on....OMG I feel silly looking back and thinking he had something better to offer but I know he is a wolf disguise in sheep!!

[@CZnLB]

I am so sorry you are still struggling with the aftermath of your relationship...and glad you were able to get out. Having the strength to do that is incredibly inspiring to so many more people than you know. I also had a question in regards to your comment where you mentioned your ex's cheating. Well, I'd like to ask how you were able to find out that he'd been cheating, in particular with prostitutes (asking for a friend 😉). If it's a bit too raw and personal and you'd prefer not to divulge those details here on KZbin to a stranger, then please know I completely respect that. And I wish you only the very best as you navigate thru your healing process and new life. Take care.

[@handmadewiththoughthechoam9948]

C Marquez thanks for your kind words!! I really appreciate it! Dont worry, I dont mind to tell you how I found it. He kept distrusting me and always accused me of his thoughts about me cheating on him. Nothing you can defend yourself when someone already accuses you of something you havent done. I told him: you will be cheating on me as you keep accusing me. You know when someone accuses you of something you end up being a better person and dont do it so at least you know yourself how truthful you are to your words and principles. He confessed he had only cheated on me twice and he was so glad to tell me that he went to this thai massage place where he could choose between 20 different women. The 1st year he accused me I was doing it but he told me he cheated on his exwife twice with prostitutes because she was cheating on him, so instead of being a better person and dont do the same that you dont want to be done to you, he acted exactly the same way...anyway...he eventually confessed it was sooooo many more times he cheated on her in the 12 years they were together. Obviously, he blamed us for 'having to do so'. The reason why he uses prostitutes is because he doesnt have social skills and see every woman as 'shagging material' and every men as a possible competitor. When he emailed me to confess he accused me of not keeping the passion but he had already dumped me a few times and he expected me to be sexually opened to him every time he wanted to come back. They just dont get the mental punishment! I know it is easy to think why I took him back when I knew it. Whether I feel silly about it now, at that time I really believed he was ashamed about it, otherwise, why would he have confessed?! And once again, I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking he was worthy and we all commit mistakes in our life that we dont want to commit again, if that makes sense. I am 7 years older than him and we are in different stages of our lives. Thanks again! Yes, I will get there and I know I am in the right path. Life is all about falling down, standing up and same again. Different mistakes, different learning experiences and all helps to grow! Take care

[@CZnLB]

ACA Thank you for sharing more details and now I'm curious why he confessed in the first place. But from what you said, it seems like he only "confessed" a very small portion of what he actually did anyway. Which is a total Narc move! Unfortunately, even a small confession doesn't seem to be in the cards for this particular "friends" Narc. This Narc will stop at nothing to keep up a facade and denies even the simplest of things to try and create diversions and doubt in the accuser's mind. Basically lots of crazy making and causing a person to feel like they are losing their grip on reality. Just so the Narc can continue living life, another life, as undisturbed as possible. Are you in the U.S? There's more I am so hoping to learn...this is a topic that not many people can talk about. So if you ever have time, maybe some advice can be exchanged via email? : )

[@handmadewiththoughthechoam9948]

C Marquez I am Spanish but I live in the UK. I dont think I am the right person to give you advice as I still have loads of doubts about it. I still question myself about my part of guilt, what did I do wrong, what could I have done better and how to improve my quality of mental health regarding the whole situation. I am watching youtube videos and they are helping me a lot. I know I have to move on and close this chapter of my life. Going over and over to my past experience will only bring more mental damage and bring up everything again without no way of changing it. But I am here if I can be of any help and support. There are loads of professionals on youtube. My experience is just one more and talking about him doesnt help me to forget the experience. I am trying to fix myself and get my confidence and trust back! I look back and I only have unsolved questions: why I felt used, why I didnt pay any attention to the red flags, how can I ever trust another guy's intentions, am I really such a horrible person who now thinks that I rather be on my own than making someone's life miserable??? And so on. I am quite good at prioritising needs and when I switch off from men, it can be a long while before I take that road again. I am surviving on my own means, I am used to work and pay for my things, I dont ask for a bank credit to pay for things and I only buy them when I have the money so, I am good at living with what I have. He mentioned so many times that he would wish to be my provider, but I never asked for that. I feel much better, though and I still use all the tools I was provided through the therapies. I also attended one of the best courses I have done in my life, it is called STEPS and it is a good path to bring my confidence back, to change self talk and to focus on positive thoughts. I am also reading some books: Russ Harris, Oly Doyle, mindfulness and now I also have Dr Les Carter, when pleasing you is killing me. It is a lot of homework involved to get me out of my mental damage but all of it it is bringing a positive outcome and a right path to follow. Thanks a lot! My best of luck!

[@mbaratucci13]

So true! Empaths attract narcissist like a bug to light. You get so use to walking on eggshells you don't even realize how much you changed. Therapy has been so helpful with finding myself.

[@christopherwigfall3844]

Excellent excellent excellent! I can speak from my own experience that what this type of person is putting out does makes you have to hide certain things which is never good!

[@districtbeauty90]

This is so true, I am keeping emotional secrets. So happy to have found this channel, am growing with each video I watch, so done with the abuse and wanting my power back!

[@monicaAdkins1207]

Thank you for your videos, very enlightening. Can you do a video on healing from the abuse?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Duly noted. Dr. C

[@ChantalCloutier]

Thank you so much! This video just confirmed my answering behavior to a narcissistic parent and his spouse was just right and left me with a fair-minded way of feeling about myself and the situation. I'm in peace with that and they should do their part for their own sake.

[@TheCanyonCritter]

Some videos on covert narcissists would be wonderful. My husband is not outwardly grandiose but withdrawn, indifferent and aloof. We are very isolated. Thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Stay tuned. I'll have some information up in the near future on covert narcissism. LC

[@usedabusedandmisunderstood8205]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Covert narcs are the hardest to spot, and the most dangerous. I am still trying to figure Romans 8:28 into this

[@kathasfaith7643]

What a wonderfully interesting way to approach this! I ended my relationship with telling him I didn't like the person I was becoming and could no longer participate in his games and deceptions, along with all of the other negative aspects of the relationship....that in retrospect the bad far outweighed the good for me and I needed to move forward with my life. Amazingly his response was "cognitive dissonance". I didn't know what that meant and that is how I started digging for even more answers and finding awesome people like you Dr Carter. Thank you so very much for helping me to make sense of the craziness! God Bless you!

[@stephenlopez4172]

Been watching your videos for about a week now. You, Jordan Peterson, and Alan Roberts are guiding me to be my true self. Thanks to you three, I contacted a friend in SC, and I'll be moving away from my sister and brother-in-law, two of the most manipulative people I've ever known. THANK YOU!!!

[@sundancer7381]

Powerful words here. You never realize how you were affected by all the nonsense......

[@christinaholland1254]

Thank you so much for giving me courage...and really see the reality I'm living in with my narcissist partner..I'm training myself through your very informative videos..and hope to find a way to "escape"..this is no life !!.. I've been with him for 30years...what a waste !!

[@charlotteslemp3687]

Thank You! I got so much out of what you said....

[@marisolpinney8406]

You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!! MY NARCISSIST THINK SHE IS THE BEST JAMES BOND DETECTIVE EVER !! THE LENGTH SHE GOES TO TO MAKE SURE SHE CONTROL WHAT I DO WHEN SHE IS NOT AT HOME!!

[@crystalwaters3471]

Wow that's a new knowledge & it's so true. Your a blessing with the knowledge you give. Thank you 🤗😒🙂

[@msdemeanor6039]

I so appreciate your wisdom and insight. I only wish I'd had access to it many years ago. Thank you, Dr. Carter.