Narcissistic Abuse Impacts You Forever, But How?

When you receive abuse from a narcissist, it is an unwanted, damaging contributor to your quality of life. Dr. Les Carter describes how people differ in the ways they respond. Identifying three common possibilities, he highlights how you can still find your inner strength in the aftermath.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his KZbin channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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[@yukio_saito]

Positive impacts for me: 1. Got rid of toxic people ✂ 2. Early red flags detection 🚩 3. Trust intuition and body 💪

[@Fer-vq6ru]

Yes, I can say that in my case as well.

[@GiantSlayer-rr1vu]

Absolutely.. I am getting rid of toxic covet religious narc. I saw red flags at dating but was blinded by the love bomb assault. i definitely trusted my intuition. folks telling me I need proof. I'm like take a hike. The person I married never existed.

[@randy_cbc8811]

Amen, STAY AWAY from these evil, demonic people. They are of the Devil.

[@TimErwin]

Early red flags detection is a superpower if survivors of narcisstic abuse use it. Once we stop rationalizing and making excuses for narcissistic behavior we can see it coming from miles away when others can't.

[@Aimeefoodandtravel]

Meditation helps…makes me more grounded and peaceful

[@fred.k9875]

It just occurred to me, we are the clothes narcissists wear to look good and we are the worn out clothes to be replaced,but they can never wear and worn out our essence.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good analogy!

[@yhwhzmyking.4243]

So beautifully expressed! We become like their worn out, out of date, concert T-shirt. We may become full of holes...but we are wise enough to stitch ourselves up again and move on...

[@Bea_Survivor]

Yes, great analogy! I love this! Yes, the core essence of who we are. Thanks Fred.

[@Benjaminleo815]

Great comment

[@An-mei]

Yes, Essence.

[@user-zs7xh6ot4u]

I think that a sign of having been through narcissistic abuse is worrying about "getting in trouble" as an adult - especially for things like taking vacation time or taking care of yourself.

[@surlif]

Yes! I was constantly worried about "getting in trouble" on my jobs. I was a nervous wreck and would work myself into a mental breakdown and lose my job. I had over 50 jobs before I retired. For 5 decades, I was working like a maniac on a job to stay out of trouble, cracking up on a job, resting a week and then frantically filling out applications, driving to interviews, or adjusting to a new job and starting the whole thing again of working like a maniac to try to keep it only to crack under the pressure.

[@michelepascoe6068]

Yes! Getting in trouble and not being enough ... not deserving of happiness, rest, or love. Always striving and inclined to feel responsible when others let you down or feel sad. Having a vague feeling of guilt when you take time to do your own interest ... and it's always the lowest priority. I am loving Lysa Terkeurst's book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes.

[@llhannah9297]

Yes I always look guilty when Im not. Im so afraid of getting in trouble I look like the culprit.

[@visaormastercard]

I had my narc mother in my life until I was 34. She knew everything about me. I'd tell her plans I was making & she'd say, - oh yeah? Well don't forget about these bills we have to pay- 😠😡🤬 it's a mixture of fear & anger for me.

[@melissahale6645]

Yes! I got on “trouble” so much at my abusing narcissistic church. Still have trouble with ridding myself of “ guilt “ when I do something they don’t like. Hair, fake nails, etc etc.

[@aaronkwolfe]

I either over-explain, or descend to silence. Neither are good ways to maintain a healthy relationship.

[@wendyg.2664]

Same here. 😞

[@Mrsvragica666]

You overexplain because you care, sir❤

[@Zeepjeliefs]

Me too. I now try to listen to my own needs more often and try to speak my mind more. It's a challenge because I'm quite scared of conflict. But will continue to practice. 🌸

[@user-zp1sr8kn6k]

It's a waste of time explaining. When they keep repeating the same things that are wrong then it's time to leave them. They feel they've 🏆won but I'm free to do what I want to do.

[@An-mei]

I'm tired but I am not confused or giving up, I am working toward a transformation.

[@Lemana28021989]

It literally changes connections in your brain, affecting your way of thinking and feeling, your health in general, cortisol levels, and so on. Long term. Depending on the severity, it can impact your emotions and whole style of living, communication, how you approach people, how you perceive your self-worth and so on.

[@lauracoussens6207]

100% truth.

[@1wickedgroove]

I'm living proof. Wish i knew then what i know now...

[@camarorules1]

FOR SO MANY YEARS! I could have done sooo much more with my life!

[@Benjaminleo815]

I understand this!

[@indiaandrews6996]

Same. I’m forty nine and still struggle a lot.

[@melissahale6645]

Same

[@jojo1960uk]

64 here and I've only just realised the massive impact these people have had on my life. At least we DID realise and that's a positive, we have a chance to change our future, although I really struggle with trusting myself now.

[@melissahale6645]

@@jojo1960uk same I’m 44 and now struggling with the same.

[@Hatbox948]

It can take a toll on your health.

[@yukio_saito]

It's taking me long to recover from physical symptoms. 😖

[@Hatbox948]

@@yukio_saito So true. I've never had high blood pressure in my life until now. We're not even together anymore, and it's still high. I really think it's from having to deal with the nex. They're dangerous.

[@An-mei]

This is where I am at.

[@dakoderii4221]

They use your declining health as an excuse to abuse you more and paint the picture to the world that they are helping by doing so. You're just so ungrateful and difficult to get along with.

[@dakoderii4221]

@@Hatbox948 Magnesium and potassium helps with that. Magnesium feels like taking a weak valium or xanax.

[@kathysturk7877]

When they can't control you they run around telling people your crazy.

[@AndeThompson-ex6sv]

Amen, to this! I didn’t know what narcissism or smear campaigns were. I learned the hard way. I have paid a dear price.

[@1wickedgroove]

@AndeThompson-ex6sv I'm right there with you buddy. And im still paying. If you ever need to vent, im here.

[@danemartin5674]

Life is so much better just not being in the same house with the narcissist. They were and are black clouds on any sunny day. Maybe that's why I planted lots of sunflowers. Thank you Dr. Carter.

[@sandrab2589]

The lesson learned from narcissistic parents is that we CAN’T TRUST ANYONE. When you realize you were used and manipulated, but never loved…that is a deep wound that never heals.

[@randy_cbc8811]

Only God can heal you of past exposure to these evil people. And he can, it may take a longer time than you expected but he can.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It's called sanctification.

[@randy_cbc8811]

@@SurvivingNarcissism No truer words spoken, by a good Episcopalian. 🙂👏😇

[@brucefriedman1]

Breaking through a narcissist's false reality results in their perception of you as the enemy. You can break free from a narcissist but you will always have to look over your shoulder.

[@randy_cbc8811]

Well you also have the option of some legal remedy against these demonic individuals.

[@Anonymous-gn3ly]

@@randy_cbc8811How can we get legal remedies?

[@deborahrichardson3731]

that's just a boundary challenge for a narc​, @@randy_cbc8811

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

Maybe. Move far away and start a new life. 500 miles is probably far enough. That's what I did. Getting a whole new everything view really helped me a lot. And I read the excellent book by Mike Hutchins entitled The Captivity of Trauma. This put everything into Eternal perspective! God heals!

[@sharonjones5173]

My mother (who has now thankfully passed away) was a classic covert narcissist. Argumentative, mean, bullying, nice one day and full of anger the next. Master manipulator, super sugar nice in public but a sociopath behind closed doors. She abused two husbands and all us kids left home as soon as we were able. Thankfully none of us kids carried this behavior to another generation.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Be the change!

[@user-vu7we4sr5v]

Feel like you’re under a microscope… they are looking for something you did or imagined you did THAT WAS WRONG

[@Skazoonit]

I still feel like I’m being scrutinized even though I’ve been away from my abusers for years.

[@catherinerhea6336]

The BEST "revenge" is to NOT BE ANYTHING LIKE THEM!!! **FIND YOURSELF AGAIN!!!** THAT led me to re-examine who I was BEFORE THE NARC....I STARTED THERE, then slowly moved forward from there, doing quite a bit of "house cleaning" in the process (I got rid of ANYTHING that reminded me of the NARC- I HAD TO....if it made me cry, IT WAS GONE!!!). I used to LOVE long drives...I started doing that again... there's something deeply soothing (to me) about the sound of the tires humming on blacktop. I retreated into the woods ALOT...did a good bit of crying there. Slowly, & it took more than a year, I began to start to feel like myself again. Each day I resolved to actively seek out beauty somewhere...& embrace it...made a log entry every night before bed, focused on what beauty I had observed that day... I slowly redirected my attention away from the raw pain, to something worth living for.... Yeah- I got real close to giving up...I think ALOT of abuse targets get to that crossroads, especially if the abuse came from someone who was SUPPOSED TO CARE, over an extended time period.... decades in my case. It's the hardest thing you'll ever thank yourself for... walking away from that crossroads!!!!! I'm now almost 9 years out...& I STILL have good & bad days. A bad relationship breaks your heart, but a narc BREAKS YOUR SOUL.... THAT'S WHY IT'S SOOOOOOO HARD TO HEAL... But.... you never forget...& when someone else comes along & starts to show those same patterns of behavior, NOW YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. Aaaaaannnddd now I'm GRANITE in enforcing MY boundaries. There IS NO OTHER CHOICE.❤️‍🩹💥

[@timcaldwell4126]

Good stuff-I had to reparent myself -it’s ok-I’m free to be me

[@lindamarcola1324]

You are so right. Been divorced 3 years. Listen to videos and get tough in my mind. I'm thru, no more, move on, etc. My narc was good to me. Considerate, loving, kind but cheated and told me 2 yrs later. Reverse discard. However. He was 77 when happen, 79 when told me, now lives in an assisted living. No new supply, perse' but does approach women there. Most there are good Christian Southern widows and won't give him time of day. Then I can hear a song, see a scene, go to a familiar place and absolutely fall to pieces. (Patsy Cline had it right) I realize it was all an act but here and there a real human trait came out and I hang onto that. So crazy! It does brak you deep.

[@Mike_Cosentino]

Since I’ve been out of that narcissistic fog, I’ve done a lot of healing and introspection. Unfortunately though, my faith and/or trust levels for most people has gone down the gutter. I’ve just been trying to be kinder to myself in the face of the abuse i endured in many forms. I try not to let it get to me. Some days are hard though.

[@lizpetruzzi7700]

I totally relate to this. I have lost the ability to trust. Anyone who seems “great” is hiding something. I also have learned to be gentler with myself but still have tough days as you said.

[@jojo1960uk]

Same here. It's that fog that you only realise you were in after months of trying to find yourself again. As for trust, that's gone too and my ability to spot the dangerous ones. Yes it's a really tough journey.

[@secondhorizon]

By scarring your personhood ~ so that you will always see your scars instead of seeing yourself.

[@dark7angel456]

Or just seeing how they want you to see yourself that distorted person. Instead of the good thing

[@camarorules1]

I'm moving past this now But the scars ran so deep it almost seemed like the narc wanted me dead!

[@secondhorizon]

@@camarorules1 they did

[@lauracoussens6207]

Thanks for this perspective...it's much better to have the goal of seeing your true self (like the N can not do) and those scars are just part of the road map that gets us to a better place.

[@cassiebennet4262]

😢

[@wissn2112]

They transfer drama to avoid getting important things done. They run their mouth at anything to disrupt any peace and focus to wreck any plan on accomplishing anything.

[@An-mei]

Health Broken Trust Self Doubt

[@user-fz5my8zj6z]

Thank you so Dr C. At 66 and a therapist myself, I have been supply all my life. It’s different than codependency (alcohol, drugs, sex addictions in my high functioning wealthy families). Narcissistic abuse is the unseen by most people, , abuse towards my soul on purpose. That’s how I am realizing it today. So darn painful. It’s something I thought (and so did my 2 therapists of decades) believe could change. Parents, sister, husband and “friends” I was told and believed it takes 2 to tango and I didn’t know their dance wanted to purposely step on my toes so they could say sorry and not mean it, or spin me into a wall and laugh or rage. It’s all a lot to see and know and accept it’s truth. I’m grieving deeply for how hollowed out I’ve become truly loving them.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I so appreciate your comments.

[@Bea_Survivor]

@user-fz5my8zj6z - So well said. You described my reality too. "Abuse towards my soul on purpose" and "unseen", "believed it takes 2 to tango", and "It’s all a lot to see and know and accept it’s truth" all hit the nail on the head. It is so impossibly hard to reach radical acceptance not only that people like this exist, but in one or some we've known all our lives. The massive grief and pain runs very deep. 💔

[@sorcindy]

The positive thing for me is that I had a deeper conversion and my faith got stronger as I have relied on God’s grace alone for my survival.

[@dnk4559]

Yes, very true! The pain of being the family scapegoat has brought me nearer to God.

[@treesab2823]

Once you see it, you start seeing it everywhere 😢

[@donnaperkins4800]

In my experience, narcissists want to "disconnect you from you" so that you are emotionally unbalanced and driven crazy. After this is accomplished, you are then able to easily be emotionally manipulated and controlled, since you no longer have any self respect or discernment. Mission accomplished for the narcissist!🤩😄😛

[@kimhumiston2686]

I definitely was a people pleaser.

[@lisatilling716]

Me too

[@SusieBear-ji3hq]

Whyyyyyyy ala Nancy Kerrigan whyyyyyyy

[@surlif]

I want to be on Team Healthy. Sometimes I wonder if it is possible and then I realize I have made a bit of progress. After two years of listening to Dr. Carter, taking some extra courses, read his books, and listened for hours to other psychologists and therapists who have studied the subject of narcissism. I feel myself reacting from a place inside that is the real me!! SO I will keep working. I married a narcissist 49 years ago. I was naive and unaware. I trusted that people who attended church all their lives, and whose families had such ideal images could not possibly be so different that what was projected. I went down a road of insanity but am turning back and finding my way even at my age. Thanks for our wonderful teacher, Dr. Carter!

[@diane19456]

Me too At 77 I am finally realizing who I married 60 years ago!

[@Benjaminleo815]

I totally understand this! Inspiring to hear your perspective.

[@WalterSaunders-dk9uw]

you matter to me and make sense. thank you for choosing beauty and love. ❤

[@user98dlk7hg6vc]

GOOD ON YOU! Well done for putting in the effort! These things are so important to sort through, no matter what age we are, for the sake of our OWN well-being. You deserve peace, and I wish you all the best on your way 🙏🙏

[@user-vu7we4sr5v]

The fact that you know ‘ something bad is going to happen’ is telling . Who in a normal relationship already knows something bad is going to happen

[@lane6216]

I never thought of it this way. Thank you for sharing this. You’ve opened up a new line of thinking for me. 💕

[@lauracoussens6207]

And then there's the boomerang effect...whatever you say or do can and will be used against you at any time in the future...and your brain is always on guard for the whack up side your head

[@SomeGuy-xf9bc]

I'm still trying to get back to who I used to be after a long term relationship with a narc. 30 years is a long time.

[@janetfreetobeme5721]

I feel the same. Me - 47 years.

[@conniemarines667]

Me tooooo.

[@shannonluck5066]

Thank you Dr. C for your work! I find it very supportive. I'm five years out of a 39 year marriage to a Cluster B abusive man. Better every day... 🎉

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep leaning forward!!

[@Hatbox948]

You become reclusive and wary of everyone. Plus, depending on the severity of abuse you're exposed to, and the amount of time you've been exposed, it can impact your health negatively. Oops, I said that about health in another comment below. My bad. But, I'm just reiterating it.

[@Bea_Survivor]

All so very true, and deeply sad. I am in the same boat. My physical health was totally destroyed; no possible recovery and a significantly shortened lifespan. And of course I have been left entirely alone in it all. I just hope no one ever minimizes but takes seriously the very real impact these toxic, chronic stress, harmful relationships can have on our health. It's hard to believe it can affect our physical health until it happens to us.

[@kathleenwharton2139]

You become Sooo Grateful for a Kind and Considerate Person! 😊❤

[@malwads1836]

While we should NEVER give any credit to narcs for the (POSITIVE) long-term impacts on us....We CAN absolutely recognize how we PULLED FROM WITHIN OURSELVES our positive RESPONSES to the abuse.For me personally 1 such impact that so many of you folks out here can relate to is...I allowed it to actually make me even more empathetic with the people that deserve my kindness rather than just letting the abuse rip my humanity away from me when I was growing up.

[@dnk4559]

I agree!

[@kimberlys.7097]

My self esteem is very low to the point I have trouble even looking in the mirror or being in photos or on social media.

[@Xaxtarr_Neonraven]

For me, it was a series of interactions, and my own incomprehension. I eventually lost my confidence and my friends. Everything became a struggle. The pieces no longer fit, while the small traumas compounded. Years later, I am still trying to put the pieces back together and reconnect with myself. So many misunderstandings. I became fragile and frail. I never understood how people could turn their back on you, but I understood what happened. Doors close. I broke. They aren't interested. Communities fail. You're nobody to them. You're left with your pain and broken heart. But I finally understand, to my core, even if it took a lifetime.

[@daniellemeenach4418]

At this point it's been four months since I got away from the covert narc I thought was dream but instead a twisted nightmare. Still healing, isolating a lot, lots of Dr. C ❤️🙏 Enjoying the peace after chaos...but so gun shy to trust or expand my social interactions, nor get out in the world too much. It's perfect peace so long as I don't have to interact with many people. Which is the complete opposite of who I was before. I feel like I'm doing okay but super risk averse and can't imagine ever wanting a romantic relationship again or trusting a man again. Lol so in a nutshell I'm fine as long as it's mainly me, myself and I 🤣🙏❤️

[@user-rh5mz2td6r]

I so identify with you. It’s been 3 years since the discarded by him and I went total no contact. I am in a peaceful place, no chaos, drama I am processing, healing and watching Dr. C everyday getting clarity. The experience left a stain on my heart but it also made me stronger and wiser. Slowly letting some people in my life but very cautious. I have no desire for a romantic relationship. Maybe that will change one day🙄🙄🙄.

[@Sofedup70]

Congratulations! Hang in there.. I don't blame you for not wanting to trust anyone. Hopefully, that will fade away..Sending positive thoughts your way!

[@soniapolsen7948]

I am exactly the same only I’ve been out for 6months. Just wanted to let you know your not alone in the way you feel and the isolation because I am doing the same we probably have a long way to go in order to get better but from the comments I have read here it’s possible. I hope you heal with time.

[@daniellemeenach4418]

​@@soniapolsen7948Thank you, wishing you the best! ❤ Sure makes me appreciate my inner peace and discernment skills!

[@lizpetruzzi7700]

Connection = pain and chaos. Love = control and always coming up short. I isolate and have a very hard time trusting anyone. Who the heck knows who that person truly is? I’ve come to a place where I don’t want to find out. The price is way too high. Never again.

[@avanellehansen4525]

Yes. Amazon sells a doormat that reads, " Did you call first?" If I'm.not expecting someone I don't open the door.

[@megn1670]

This is me 💯

[@wissn2112]

They always have a a negative comment directed at you. To trigger your response and then point the finger back. When they want something. They want it now. Relentless burning up all the phones in the house to attract attention.

[@HotSeat17]

Lifting you up in prayer Dr. Carter. 🙏✝️❤️ Jesus led me to you and you saved my life and sanity. Praying that your voice gets better. Blessings to you and your loved ones. 🙏✝️❤️😘

[@ChildoftheLIGHT]

Transformation is what every follower of Jesus Christ is called toward. You can trust God and His Word to heal you. Never doubt that and keep moving forward. Be merciful and be grace-filled toward yourself and others. Thank you, Dr C for guiding us to dignity, respect, and civility on our journey. I choose option 3 and pray many will too.

[@rogerhare7886]

Use their memory to become a better person. Good advice. Living well is the best revenge.

[@istateyourname4710]

I'm still learning to slough off the role of people pleaser, to cease saying, 'I'm sorry' too often & to quiet the voice of my inner critic. These aspects of behavior were chiseled within @ a very early stage of my development.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Me too! I hope you are well 🤗

[@ute3349]

I can't really describe it, sometimes there is such an inner emptiness. 💔

[@julieforsyth6163]

Me too.

[@Bea_Survivor]

I hear you. Me too. Recovering people-pleaser. I try to focus on self-care, self-compassion, self-love. 🌱💚

[@avanellehansen4525]

I have apologized to a wastebasket that I bumped into!

[@indiaandrews6996]

I ignore and avoid my mother as much as possible.

[@kelleyluna2057]

Dr Carter I am blown away how much this resonates with me. I have lived my life in the reactive and rebellious mode to the point of self sabotage. I have done a lot of reading and have head knowledge.The missing piece for me was opening my heart and connection and have found this in a twelve step program. which I resisted for many years. Now it is all coming together. I thank you for helping me and so many other hurt people. Bless you.

[@lindalarson5468]

I think addiction, of many forms, is a common reaction to narcissistic abuse. You try to numb the pain. I know I did. I'm proud of you for recognizing that you had a problem. Things will get better. I know from experience. Wishing you well.

[@MissPril]

For a long time I thought my inner self was going to be a wastland of scorched earth, I had been destroyed. . I find hope in such a comforting style of grace and wisdom. I want to be just like you when I grow up 😉 ( 65 and counting)

[@crystal.knightrwe]

Again, he's spot on. My healthiest and most successful moments in response to narcissists live out when my mind turns to options, choices....."alternatives". That's what Dr. C called them, right? Alternatives. Alternatives are the answer for freedom from narcissistic abuse. I've had 60 years of narcissistic control over me, so these alternatives have taken time to germinate, but this new world is unfolding for me, and it's very good.

[@Benjaminleo815]

Really good comment!

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

I love the content of this video, DrC! It’s so encouraging! I remember back when i finally figured out what was going on and how it was narcissism I was dealing with, I remember thinking- “Ok, but how do I move on and be me again?” I also wanted to say perfect timing with your recent “disconnect” video! I chose not to spend time on Mother’s Day with my mum. It never fails, something always goes badly. So I made the tough decision to simply spend time with my kids and enjoy a peaceful day. I’m still feeling guilty about it but I would rather feel an unwarranted emotion that I know and understand for the sake of peace than to feel chaos that I don’t understand for the sake of her narcissistic fix. I hope you got some good news from the allergist!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for sharing this, Kelly. See if you can learn to interpret that "guilt" more accurately as grief. Guilt implies blameworthiness. Grief implies sadness due to loss. You know I'm pulling for you.....(he said as he sipped his afternoon tea.)

[@michellehill718]

Someone needs to transform this experience. And, it's going to be me! ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Exactly.

[@IamStreber]

I didn’t even know what a narcissist was until my brother called me one. I looked it up. I thought to myself maybe he is right maybe that’s what is wrong with me. The more I learned about this the more I realized I do need to work on myself, i do have CPTSD symptoms that has narcissistic traits and also realized I will never be happy with this. My brother who stonewalled me and a few days later discarded me gave me the insight I needed. He lead me to Dr. C ( he doesn’t know it) who is teaching m what I am dealing with inside my self. If it wasn’t for him calling me that name I would not have figured out what was going on with me. Now I am on the path of healing and I am thankful he did what he did, my eyes have been opened. I paying closer attention to my behavior which I never understood, now I have direction watching Dr.C and the Crappy Childhood Fairy.

[@vickiparsons5698]

Team healthy strong emphatic people ❤ thumbs up for team healthy and Dr Carter 💖 thank you for this knowledge..and again thank you ☺️🤗

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're welcome!

[@stayblessed584]

My narc is my mother-in-law. She slanders me to everyone who will listen, and she has managed to turn the whole entire family against me. Including people who have never met me. Everyone in her family is brainwashed and goes with whatever she says. This woman is the most cunning person I've ever seen. She's very convincing when she lies. She treats my husband and I like crap. Her Son, daughter, and husband's sisters are all flying monkeys. None of these people have ever taken the time to get to know me or ask me anything regarding what this woman accuses me of. It affects me because she has damaged my reputation. I've never ever done anything to this woman and she thinks she can abuse me how she sees fit without other people noticing. This woman is inherently evil.

[@kimhumiston2686]

Sounds like my former boss

[@vijayarao4809]

Same experience with my mother in law.. The smear campaign was really devastating and how she could tell lies to others with such an authority and smile on her face.. I can't believe.. I had some good friends and relatives who came back to me for checking and letting me know what kind of a manipulation she did. But it's heart breaking. And it crushes your soul..

[@DogMomCMF]

I had that as an ex mother-in-law, so when she died snd my kids called me with the news, all I could muster was to ask them if they're ok...I had no feelings about her death, and honestly, my boys didn't even have a "relationship" with her, but try to explain that without blowback.

[@patriciafry8634]

Can you get away from her at all?

[@laurenlowery5799]

I am so sorry. I hope you having personal counseling to help you deal with her. I had counseling to help me deal with the narcs in my family. It really helped to have an understanding ear and support until I could disconnect.

[@patg.7192]

My father's temper! Fight, flight, freeze or fawn. I froze and fawned. When he spoke or yelled, everyone listened! There was no escape and it has affected me for decades after he passed away. 😢

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

I know this is true even though I have it under control, that it affects our entire lives. I was raised in a narcissistic family who demeaned and mocked me daily up until this very day. When I do a good thing for someone, a feeling that I was foolish for doing it arises even though the person I did it for was happy with me. I was trained that everything I said and did was stupid, so I battle regularly "feelings" that what I do is stupid even though I know intellectually I did nothing wrong and even did good and my friends appreciate it. I seem to have fallen into a culture where this demeaning is common, I began to think something was wrong with me no matter what I said and did. Then I prayed and began to watch intently a conversation to see what was happening and found that I was the target by the entire family not because of anything about me but because they needed someone to pick on. When I began to withdraw they came back with love-bombing texts of "Happy birthday" and that is all no other conversation. It is as though they are attempting to come back in without ever feeling sorry for how they treated me all these years and I am over 70 now. It is amazing how adult people can treat another adult sibling as though they are still six years old. I avoid them as much as possible and am polite if they worm their way back through my husband. Thankfully it is rare because they live so far away.

[@denisem4575]

We must be part of the same family 😏. You’re not alone. I relate to every word in your comment. 💛& ☮️ to you on your journey past this nightmare we’ve lived.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

@@denisem4575 Thank you, when I tell my story many others come out to share theirs too, it is common now.

[@user-zz2dx3qf7u]

@@gwendolynwehage6336 That's very good! It helps to know this is possible eventually.

[@amnahaque9058]

I have anxiety , over thinking problem and insomnia. And autoimmune condition.

[@user-dn5bi4si5w]

Being brought up by Cluster Bs is like being a hostage or a POW. You're not going to like people after this experience. Yes, you'll be superficially nice enough, but that's just done to avoid the viciousness that lurks in others. It's a smart move, actually.

[@Skazoonit]

But a lonely one.😢

[@user-dn5bi4si5w]

@@Skazoonit That's OK. Anytime I want to hear empty-headed twaddle I can sit in the courtyard and shoot the breeze with my neighbors.

[@mireadossantos4610]

They don't understand themselves how can they understand others? Does not matter what you do, you're always wrong. I became quite abrupt towards people that I love and that makes me sad.

[@mariaawake4502]

Looking back at the time of absorbing the narcissist´s attitude and of emotional dysregulation can (will?) produce embarrassment and shame. Now I can accept the fact that I trusted the wrong person .

[@roxannetaitano1490]

Hello Dr. C! I never wanted to be anything like the N-person! but I did become dis-regulated when things started to happen around me. Like you said, it was easy for some around me to point that out to a fault and basically, make it exclusively about me and my problem. Those folks could not see the actual source of the problem. Some still don't. But those who did as the mask started falling off and those who really knew me started asking questions about my Narc husbands role to him, things started making sense. This surely boosted me and helped bring me back to my senses. I was not crazy. I have since moved on to the 3rd choice and reclaimed my dignity letting some people go and moving out the way for anyone else who would challenge my newfound freedom and commitment to myself.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Growth is a process, Roxanne, and I'm glad to be on the path with you.

[@Pecan215]

I've been in recovery from narcissistic abuse since my divorce in 1979. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will never recover, in spite of trauma therapy. Sometimes I feel as if I am recovering, and then something happens that makes me aware of how little I actually know about recovery. This is due to what Dr. Carter is saying: Narcissistic abuse impacts people forever. The best thing I do for myself is to set boundaries, but just setting boundaries often isn't "enough".

[@sandyhenry3238]

Yes, I was not free. Had to obey always or mind read so I was at a Damned if you do Damned if you don't

[@vshearer5370]

I find healing work helps me. Journal your deep thoughts & let the emotions flow. Talk about your experience. Also meditation, yoga, dance release, being in Nature, gym, art therapy, self love, gratitude for the beautiful people in your life. Empower self. ❤

[@vshearer5370]

Sound healing also. There is so much you can do for Self. 🫂🌈

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

Work can be a trap too.

[@vshearer5370]

@@Rachel-mz8ko Explain how please?

[@valeriehayes5555]

They will fill your life with fear and negative emotions. They matter - you do not matter. But regardless, they are fixated on destroying you - so you are actually a threat to them. And a threat to them does matter, because they live in a bubble of delusion. On some level, they must know that.

[@Kenzie_Hill]

My daughter is about to be 18 and is asking many more questions about her narcissist father. I don't give too much details, but I let her know she has to protect herself or she'll never find her own self. I remind her I love her unconditionally and she has my support to make her own decision. It is very hard for her to disapoint her father -- he says this to her frequently

[@fr33829]

When you realise your entire family are narcs..

[@maxahissou7574]

😯

[@LisaSimplified]

1. Imitating the narc (check / an awful realization) 2. Become dysregulated, (check / in all it's forms) 3. Transform yourself (check / that's why I am here.) Thanks for all your help Dr. Carter.

[@alfyoung9299]

I'm seven years in now from losing my career following 9 years of daily abuse from my narcissistic female boss. Completely broke me and I'm still struggling. Horrendous for me and my family. No therapy has worked so far. Can't see a future.

[@thebestperson1697]

You're still in the cognitive and emotional fog of pnasd. There IS a future that's good. You can't see it but its there, ahead. Keep going!!❤

[@lpfx777]

Same

[@delacari444-re7dt]

Thank God you're free of them now. Keep moving forward. There are evil people in this world. It will shock someone who is a good person to see their capacity for inflicting pain- and damage. There is a future for you and for your family. Hang in there!

[@elcee7800]

This poignant talk really pulled my heart strings. Love you Dr. Carter🌹

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated.

[@rosemaryallen2128]

NOTHING has to impact you for ever! Rational self re-assessment may take a while, but only self-pity has the power to prevent recovery, and self-pity is pernicious.

[@Nanuchick2222-dc6lf]

This is the point that was killing me with mu narc,the inability to sit down to talk things out and to reason...its so crazy but it really doesnt work....and that was for me the worst part like no matter what you do around the narcissist and how you dance around them its never good enought or ok to have peace and get alon ,i dont know how many know the movie Schindlersvlist ,but there is a scene with Amon and Helena when in the Celler he beats her up and he has this crazy love hate relationship with her and she actually says in the movie that no matter what she does she can never get peace from him all is always wrong and her fault....very sad i was treated the same...

[@m.o.t.h.studios]

My father is so emotionally fragile, that Ive feared ever confronting him about a behavior I dont like. He’s also gotten violent with my brother, brother in law and said he wanted to beat up my 26 year old nephew for talking back to my mom. What a display of immaturity and just untenable behavior. His and my mom’s highly controlling behavior has caused a lot of fear and people pleasing tendencies that are so hard to overcome. I currently dont see them anymore.

[@steadypace1262]

I threw myself into work and overworked my body like I had to prove something to others and myself. Something had to give and eventually a work injury put a stop to all of that. Once I was awakened to who my original narcissist was everything became clear to me. Narcissists don't want you to know your worth, shine like the diamond you are Survivors and pay no attention to the negative, jealous narcissist.🌟

[@patricksicard2023]

My level of trust with people, in general, has been severely compromised. This is a result of being a VNA for 8 years. I find it very difficult to let people in. I may appear stand offish but I know that this is a defense mechanism. I tend to ruminate after almost 2 years apart. I'm not sure that I'm trauma bonded but I'm stuck. I have grieved what never was. I was deeply in love with an illusion. I remember the good memories. Perhaps I should start journaling in an ICK book which Dr.Ramani has suggested. Journaling about everything, not just the good times may offer me a new perspective. What are your thoughts Dr.C?

[@lorinotarius]

So, I'm caregiving for someone with dementia now and I ended up stunning the caregiver trainers because I already knew how the brain changed in Alzheimer's Disease. They were wondering why I wasn't shocked when the person wasn't himself anymore and I'm like, "Oh, I lived through this already when I was 20, I dated a charming covert narcissist. A year later, his eyes looked dead and his brain was gone." I had no idea at the time that my college dating life was preparing me for 30 years later to manage all sorts of dementia cases in the elderly, but it's very similar with parts of the brain suddenly missing and the memory center gone.

[@laurenlowery5799]

I was devalued so by my narc father, exhusband and my narc older sister and her girls I never felt worthy enough to have another romantic relationship so never remarried or had children. I went to couseling for quite some time, but could never seem to get my self worth back. I did feel valued in my job, but that wasn't an intimate relationship. If you are kind, loving, and giving, being with narcs is like being in a den of snakes. After I disconnected I chose to volunteer, blossom in my creativity and nurture my relationship with G*d. It has helped to stabilize me and I am thankful for that. 😊

[@M-LFC491]

The difference between you and the other N experts on youtube is that I always learn something new form your videos. There is always an 'ah-ha' with every new video. Thanks Dr.C.

[@debbiehardy40]

Head games for decades. Some started out good relationships but started quaking like a duck...

[@sturobertson6791]

I think there are (or can be) some positive lasting effects too.... As we learn and heal I think we gain a deeper understanding of gratitude, appreciation, kindness, respect, etc. I'm finding this happen if I stay open to learning.... from everyone and everything, every day. But you have to learn, really learn to recognise genuine kindness and healthy folk. There's many, thankfully!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Agreed 👍

[@aaronkwolfe]

Stu, I saw this comment earlier, and couldn’t stop thinking about it. I went to the negative, but I now realize how many more positives I have are directly related to that one narcissistic relationship. For me, learning to forgive someone who didn’t think they needed it was a big step for me.

[@sturobertson6791]

​@@aaronkwolfe Hi Aaron and nice one! I get what you're saying. Developing the ability to forgive is amazing! I'm working atm, so I'll send you a better reply later... I learned a lot from Lisa Romano about forgiving....longer than I can say now, bur a brilliant, self empowering skill that allows you to let go of any feelings of anger, hurt, revenge, etc...forgiving is more to do with how you reframe bad stuff into learni g experiwnces...and learn healthy things...not negative, like hate or hurt etc... It's a discussion we could have over a cuppa or a beer! Cheers, and I'll respond more later👍🙏

[@Bea_Survivor]

Wonderful comment at top, Stu! 💫 Love it! It's a keeper. ☺ Yes! And gonna reflect on this one. Thanks!

[@sturobertson6791]

​@@Bea_Survivor Hi Bea!👋👍it's nice to see you!. I don't often post a comment. Healing for me was both hard and strange for a while, I was like, dazed or something, wondering what happened, what hit me, why did these crazy things happen etc, I was 'damaged' from being in a relationship with a destructive narcassist, and felt and thought all the bad feelings that others have written about on this vid. After a while, the healing journey changed into one of joy, as I began to RE discover my true feelings about positive things like mutual respect and appreciation (with healthy folk), and for the world around me.... the positive feelings began to outweigh the bad!! Cheers Bea, hope you are ok🙏👍

[@JohnOakes-mw5ls]

One parent and one sibling were both narcs! They also had OCD too, which meant I was trapped between the two. I only found out that I struggled with emotional dysregulation a few months ago when an understanding GP told me I was displaying symptoms of this. The whole of my adult life has been ruined by my childhood and being looked down on and treated like I was little more than a servant to my sibling! I did what they wanted, behaved how THEY wanted me to behave until one day THEY went one step too far! So, I up rooted and walked away to make a new life for myself! Most children are taught that there’s always consequences to their actions. However, narcissists do not understand that consequences also apply to them too! BTW Dr. C. Can you do a video on the Co-existence of Narcissism and OCD if this fits in with your plans???

[@curlygirl-sw3md]

Dr. Carter, you have helped me so much. I look after my elderly mother who is a Covert Narc. Due to her health issues I look after her almost daily. As she gets older (you have spoken about this) her contempt has just gotten worse over time. Before I knew what this was, I just felt like I was going insane, at the same time wondering if I was the only sane person in my family? (brother is the golden child, I'm the scapegoat) The impact that your videos have had on me has been so profound. I feel confident, more assured and in control, and I use many of your tools on a day to day basis just to keep my relationship with my mother somewhat civil and respectful. I grieved the loss of a true mother-daughter relationship long ago now and we are at a healthier place than we have been in years. I also listen to Dr. Ramani, but the two of you have really given me such a gift and I continue to grow and learn from you both daily. Thank you so much for what you do!!

[@roxymovie3938]

How abuse can impact you: 1. Constantly vigilant 2. Struggle with acceptance-projection balance 3. Very confused emotional structure 4. Little balance with compliance / autonomy 5. You are left feeling powerless Categories of personal impact: I. You imitate the Narc, which means your identity can meld into the Narc's way. II. You become disregulated, which means emotional collapse, anxiety indecisiveness, rebellion, anger, distrust, neediness etc. It can set up many broken relationships because you are external based. III. You can transform. Why should you perpetuate? What are your better options? a. Your adjustment b. Discern healthy from unhealthy living c. Determine to have mastery over your emotions 》》Grieve what you have lost 》》Let your driver be curiosity 》》Prioritize heart immersion 》》You are not complete but committed to lifelong learning 》》Be a reflective thinker 》》Be honest with yourself Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈

[@ute3349]

Either you become a rebel or a peoplepleaser. I became extremely rebellious. I had to regulate my feelings myself as a child / teenager. I was a lawyer for the most intimate matter of two adults. So I took one side (the manipulative and controlling) without knowing. No one to talk to. Guess what : Crazy relationships and marriage. 🤗

[@christineedwards1773]

One day it just clicks, numbness and just do not comment, just agree

[@biondna7984]

Thank you for all you do, Sir. At 70, having had somewhat narcissistic parents, one alcoholic, being a recovered alcoholic for 21 years, escaping a 24-year marriage from a narcissist, and having experienced a short but glorious 8 years of actually being cherished by my late beloved second husband, I'm reconciled to cultivating myself the rest of my life. I'll probably never be fool-proof with constant good self esteem and good judgment, but I have mindfulness and a stronger sense of self now. The effort is hard and so worth it.

[@tararichards1433]

Glad to hear I'm not the only "older" person just now figuring it out! I'm 67 and had a similar history of family and spouse. Thank you for sharing

[@leslierisan7603]

Concise and compassionate. Thank you so much.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome.

[@miriamcollins7587]

I finally chose transformation! Great message. Very accurate. I’ve been through all 3 phases, and the only permanent path to freedom is to choose transformation.

[@CPoh333]

Dr C My question concerns the behaviour of adult children of narcissistic parents? Is it common for an adult child to continue to seek the approval/unconditional love of the narcisstic parent to the extent of ignoring/taking for granted the love of the NON narcissistic parent? I have seen this odd behaviour in one of my adult children (who also struggles with chronic anxiety and depression)

[@bloodstripeleatherneck1941]

Yes. Very typical. The Narc is always getting showered with compassion while the empath is framed as the bad guy.

[@darinsmith2458]

I am still dealing with the effects of spending so much time with them and I am still learning how to deal with that behavior from so many of them...

[@WalterSaunders-dk9uw]

for those of us born into it just to be alive feels like an amazing accomplishment. you are amazing and beautiful. you got this.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@WalterSaunders-dk9uw Thank you..

[@davebennett4087]

The second most difficult and painful thing I’ve ever had to do was going completely NO contact with my abusive, disdainful and infuriating sibling. It is such a sad thing to come to the realization that there would never be peace and equanimity in our dealings with one another. Although my sibling treated me as though I were their enemy, constantly looking for ways to control me and abuse me, I still love them and worry for them daily. So you may wonder, what THE MOST difficult and painful thing I ever had to do? That was the constant emotional gymnastics I had to perform in order to maintain our relationship.

[@AnneReimer]

I ended my relationship abruptly with authority a few months ago.I am just now calming down from it...absolutely nessarary, and I found tranquility again.Dr.C I appericate your clarity and help..learned a lot😅

[@amac2573]

I become a narcissistic control freak when ever other people want to come into my home. It is like everything has to be perfectly clean and tidy, but also that people are going to search through my stuff and may be take things. The anixety, paranoia and hypervigilance is just driving me to hell and I am struggling to concentrate, remember things, make decisions and find inner peace. I really don't like the picky unreasonable and intolerant attitude I have towards other people and to some extent I try to keep away from them because of my attitude.

[@worzi3]

It is definitely hard to trust after a Narcissist.

[@VikingMom1970]

Thank you for confirming the way I’ve been feeling for over 30 years. Thank you for confirming that I am not the narcissist in my relationship.

[@TheRealVivia]

The imitation and dysregulation has been my life and maybe that’s why I’m having a hard time believing that I’m not the narc. I don’t know who I am anymore. I was never like this before and now I’m being told by my narc that I’m all these terrible things that I don’t really think I ever was. I never was, even questioning if I’m a narc. It’s insane. I really had to go ask my friends and families what kind of person I am because I wasn’t sure. They all said I am a compassionate, empathetic person. I show up for people, I stand up for people. They’ve never known me to be all the things that he says I am. I’m still questioning whether I am a narc. My therapist says that there is no way I am from what he has observed but I’m still having a hard time rejecting that I might be the narc because so much of my behavior has been reactive in this madhouse of devaluation, discarding and stonewalling. I became a very angry, anxious and controlling person and I’m not proud of it. I’m ashamed that I couldn’t see what was happening to me.

[@AmourofgodShinelight]

Thank you so much for this DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful, Understanding, This was absolutely tremendous and speaks volumes, I'm glad you're on my journey with me, I'm a long life learner, I absolutely love and get it, You're a great bloke and a treasure to humanity, Keep shining light and speaking truth, Educating people, Peace, love and respect to you , Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory to the most high God 🕊🌲🌹💙💗💛🌈🕆☘🚀😘🍏🍎🦄✌⚖😃❤♱💚🎆🍄🦁💜🐎🌌

[@rosieE121]

You get away from it and evolve and they'll try to control you through others.

[@lauracoussens6207]

For better or worse, we humans emulate each other. So, check yourself before you wreck yourself for bad behaviors where ever they may have come from.

[@marys33794]

🧡🙏Thank you Dr C. 👋 from Cork, Ireland 🧡

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome...Glad to be with you there in Cork!

[@petegotchannel]

you described it (narcissist relationship) exactly how it was / how I felt during it. I've been in denial.. yet the longer I stay no contact the more I come to face with the truth about what really happened to me. It's honestly left a really deep scar in me, my confidence is shot, I don't know where to go from here. But thank you Dr. C for helping me see there's hope.

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

I really needed to hear your message today dr Carter ❤ someone must be a responsible and honest adult and it’s high time we became ones. God bless you ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I nominate you as the responsible, honest adult!

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you 🙏 so much dr Carter. God bless you

[@dnwitte]

Apropos of "imperative thinking", my narc's most favorite phrases were "You have to..." and "You don't get to..."

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That captures it!

[@andreacook6000]

I have watched this a number of times now and every time it goes deeper and deeper. So important to learn these things and grow as far away from this whole world of narcissism as possible. Thank you for thinking so deeply about all of this so that we can learn.

[@ESLhills]

Itt affects us the rest of our life. Yes, it does. After a 20-year "marriage", I divorced a narcissist. I've been married 30 years to a kind loving man. I still wonder about the effects. I can sometimes feel it inside. I watch these shows and still learn. The good part is I can pick it up now. I can help other people. The effects are not gone, but I don't need my responses anymore. My ex is going to be 80 next month. He still works to be around people because he has no friends. His second wife died three years ago. He really loved her - or he loved who he thought she was. That was enough for him.