Narcissistic Family Detachment: CALMNESS IS EVERYTHING!

Watch this dynamic workshop-length video to help you achieve greater calmness and less reactivity. Jerry Wise has been in the helping professions for 40+ years. He offers tools and strategies for viewers to use to help them detach from unhealthy relationships. Maintaining calmness and lowering reactivity is essential for healthy relationships and self-directed living. Jerry uses Bowen Family Systems tools to help you reduce your own systems anxiety in your life and relationships. Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC has been a social worker, addictions counselor, marriage and family therapist, pastoral counselor, and pastor. He now practices as a life coach and relationship coach for clients all over the world. He offers coaching for individuals, couples, families, family businesses, executive leaders, pastors, and therapists.
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** Escape family roles (Scapegoat, hero, golden child, black sheep)- • Escape Family Roles: S...
** Overcome Toxic Guilt & Shame - • Overcome Toxic Guilt &...
** Going No/Low Contact with Narcissistic Family- • Going No-Contact with ...
** Build Your True Self- • Self-Differentiation: ...
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
***DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. BE SURE TO CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU INTEGRATE AND UTILIZE THESE CONCEPTS.***

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@velvetbees]

Your calmness and wisdom is helpful to me. I share your videos. I have already had many years of personal therapy. I think whatever you went through to overcome your difficulties, and your advise is well explained so people can understand deep things. I learn from your videos. Thank you so much for explaining these concepts of recovery.

[@andrearush6209]

😊😊😊

[@onlyonce1707]

Have come back to listen again after one year. This is a long 2 hour video but life changing. Well worth listening the whole way through!

[@illyria7756]

Thank you, your talks are very helpful. I left the free vid stream a few mins early by mistake and didn't get to say thank you on there, that one had some extremely useful things, made notes to remind myself.

[@nathaliecomsa3509]

Thank you. As an empath, you explain with your body language and tone of voice, without absorbing the chaotic feelings (or lies) of people we live with. (By talking it out with my neutral neighbour, I am able to indeed bounce back. (And only observe, and stay as neutral as I can)

[@anAngelisHard2find]

Dear Jerry, a counsellor once said to me " There will come a day where the importance of meeting with one of your NPD family members will be equal to walking past empty trash cans by the side of the road "......on that day you will know how far you have come, how strong you have become, how powerful you will feel. AT that time I did not believe it, but after 11 anniversary years of going no contact with them, I can assure you, seeing them is now as meaningful to me as walking past empty trash cans by the side of the road. I feel so totally calm and totally in control of myself. I actually feel really sorry for them.

[@catherinesinclair7727]

That's heartbreaking but also wonderful.

[@iw9338]

Thank very much for sharing this, Encouraging.

[@Ashley.Morrison54]

Wow! I have been no contact 2 days with mother of orgin

[@judyd6414]

@@Ashley.Morrison54 I have been 28 yrs no contact. I was totally broken in the beginning, but I have learned so much and healed so much, we have nothing in common now. They are the same people they've always been. I'm a new and different person. There's a bit of grief I believe will always be with me for the loss. I am happy and I love life now, but mostly I'm free. I'm not carrying their baggage around anymore. Best wishes to you!

[@verovero4766]

Well said. Thanks for sharing 😊

[@coolash706]

Jerry wise is a gift to us who can't afford a therapist. I have no words to thank him ❤🙏

[@susanlarose4721]

I have learned more from 10 of Jerry's videos in the last 2 days than I learned from working with a therapist for 4 years. More about MYSELF. More about my damaged upbringing. More about my narcissistic parents and siblings and other family members. More about the many managers and coworkers I've had the misfortune to work with. I have learned SO MUCH from your comments!!! Thank you so very much. I am surprised at the age of 68 that I have navigated through these murky waters as well as I have, using the recommendations Jerry has, without knowing I was, out of self preservation. But I have learned so much MORE to improve the rest of my life, my children's lives, and to understand the previously confusing parts of my past.

[@renus6015]

Observe...Dont absorb... Powerful!

[@Sizzln-Rozes]

“It’s not real anxiety. It’s anxiety from the system.” That helps in its simplicity

[@tycoona1]

This concept alone has helped me so much. It really summarized so much in its simplicity.

[@websurfer5772]

It is real anxiety. It's as real as it can be. It's just not self-generated anxiety. You have identified the source of the anxiety which may be helpful.

[@paiiininthebuttt2477]

It’s exactly what I needed to hear

[@jojo1960uk]

Doesn't it just

[@loft27ss]

@@websurfer5772yes!

[@LHydro]

My mom told me I would never make it in the Air Force. I am going to school today as a civilian and have help from the military bc my four years have been done for some time. I finally have the power and resources to write a new story. I still fear it will all collapse in an instant since that is what has been done before. But no. With God and therapists like this, whom shall I fear? No one. Not even myself. I got this and whoever is reading this, you got this too. Much love and peace easy 🌊

[@jefffrederick8648]

Blessings to you and thank you for your service!

[@AngelaDumont-i2q]

Yes thank you as I need to remember

[@MarthaMcCrum]

“We keep going to wells that are dry trying to get drinks.” ❤️🤦🏼‍♀️so true

[@avleck]

Aaaaaaa-men. Whew.

[@monisantini-kelly6581]

Powerful

[@sunnyadams5842]

This little platitude has helped me So much over the years.

[@rochelledenise3426]

“Take the focus off them. Think, What do I want? What do I want to do? What do I feel? Instead of, What are they going to think or feel if I do this?” Whoa. 🤯 Why have I never thought this way??? This was the best advice I could EVER have received. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

[@nicholastosoni707]

You've never thought this way because your other way of thinking _was so rolled into your mind as if with a rolling pin_ that it became second nature to think so.

[@sunnyadams5842]

@ 58 I struggle with this. I have a bad habit if running everything I do through other people's eyes... Becoming aware of when I slip into "teaching mode", has helped catapult me ahead thusboast week it so.

[@kristamanahan8114]

Because just being you wasn’t accepted or encouraged. No feelings allowed, not yours anyway.

[@92660dolphin]

I was indoctrinated from age 4 to my last conversations with parents in their 80s that you can't have what you want! Who do you think you are?! It wax their life goal I live like them and suffer and live an unfulfilled life. Broke free for a decade and was poisoned again because I tried to have a relationship with them before they died.

[@LinYouToo]

1:28:29 “ my mother cannot love me the way that I want to be loved.” The grief I felt when I realized this - that she could never love me unconditionally-was unbearable. I grieved the loss as a parentified child and gave her the greatest gift I could. that is, I chose to love and accept her for who she was including all of her limitations, and know that if she could do better she would. I relieved her of the need to make me happy and I decided to make me happy. That meant setting boundaries with my mom for the first time in my life. She hated it. After a few years now though I can see that my boundaries were a gift to her to own her own personal agency and take responsibility for herself for the first time in her life in her early 90s. When I took the focus off my mother, I was able to see the other women in my life who have been a mother role model for me and and to truly appreciate the gifts they have been giving me all along that I could not see because they came from a different kind of “mother.” It was gratitude and acceptance that thawed my broken heart.

[@sanjayseroha4219]

There is so much wisdom in your message. Than you Linyoutoo.

[@tintina2753]

@LinYouToo👏🏾👏🏾❤️❤️

[@tnt01]

beautiful.

[@corro100]

This is a adorable message. I want to learn from it. 👍

[@LuxMeow]

I cut mine off, she does not respect boundaries and gets everyone else involved. People I barely even know emailing me and trying to aid her in breaking into my apartment. Best decision I ever made.

[@marywolfe6598]

It seems that the "systems Feelings" that create anxiety are coming from controlling people who want their needs met and to keep a person in their "role". And, their role suits them. We need to dare to be the real us that God created! Thanks Jerry.

[@websurfer5772]

That is ultra-insightful! Thank you.

[@christinerobertson9596]

My son notices a change in me since I've been listening to your videos. We have a calmness between us now. He knows I'm aware of how I pressured him to make our family whole and Hallmark -like. Now we have more trust and understanding between us when we talk on the phone. Can't thank you enough!! I've honored him to be his own self.

[@jerrywise]

Wonderful! Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@jojo_rose341]

I'm so happy people change like this, it gives me hope that my brother and mom might change one day. ❤

[@orianam9835]

'Hallmark like'. Very narcisistic but well done on your journey 👍

[@yveqeshy]

This is definitely the content and context I have been missing, it's not enough to learn how to be calm as a individual, you need to understand how the family system in which you exist affects your emotional reactivity

[@jerrywise]

Exactly

[@teresadexter9965]

I feel able to be coached by someone who is humble enough to admit to having had difficulties in their own life, the way Jerry does

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for your kind works Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@ozsoyluceyhun]

@@jerrywise Hello Jerry, I love your videos, happy to have come across your channel. Paypal doesn't operate where I live, is there another way to donate? Have you considered using "Wise" instead of Paypal? ;) Its exchange rates and service fees are more customer-friendly than Paypal's. Have a nice day ❤

[@Gwen13061]

“Accept the things we cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference”

[@1996Pinocchio]

"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

[@RealLadi228]

Learning to stay within yourself is a gift opposite of codependency My favorite is gaining a poker face I never knew I needed responding not reacting. Generational curses are broken by example and the word of God.

[@cellosong]

Beautiful video. I love the health emphasis on lowering expectations, practicing calmness, reinforcing internal focus and accepting that other people are NOT going to change.

[@carrielumley4609]

Jerry I wanted to tell you that my healing is spilling over into the rest of my family. I have three teenage kids who argue all the time. On the way home two of them were arguing and my son say to my daughter, "Penny, stop pinging me," and she did. That is not a word we've ever used before they are just hearing you in our car when I listen and seeing a change in me. God bless you and yours this season!

[@jerrywise]

That is wonderful Carrie!

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

I was one of Jerry's clients n i decided to go nc w/my toxic mom. Trust me, you will get plenty of opptys to practice "getting your family out of you" w/difficult individuals amongst your "friends who are your family".

[@LHydro]

“The best time to confront them is when you don’t need to anymore” this is WHY becoming independent financially is critical. I was reading Brene brown the last time I was kicked out of my parents house for NO REASON (when I needed them and had just left an abusive relationship of five years). The lies they had to make up to push me out. Whoever said they are trash is correct.

[@TeamsouLX1]

I finally realized why I became a fighter. I was always hit in my face by my parents. It made me a good liar because I wanted to prolong the hits. I knew if I told the truth they would hit me way faster. Now I don’t let anyone get close enough or touch me without freaking out. When I get in the cage I relive every time I was hit and couldn’t defend myself from a full grown emotional adult. MMA is my therapy session. I need help still I’m glad I found this sir thank you 🙏

[@soniahathaway1]

I get you; it does get better as we start to understand and heal ourselves. Abusers are weak and pathetic and you are so much better off without them. Find your own safe people over time. 🤗

[@sophiaacierto7509]

Jerry, You give me hope in my recovery. Many thanks for your experience strength and hope.

[@firesign4297]

🙏🙏🙏❤

[@slothsluethe177]

This is absolute gold for me! You're giving us tools to navigate the messiness of relationships. Thank you!!

[@monisantini-kelly6581]

I read Harriet Lerner's book "The Dance of Anger", in Italiano, years ago. It was edited by Feltrinelli. I still have it. I learned from it about triangulation dynamics, which almost always happens in my family. I somehow new that my mom, who suffered abuse in her childhood, is a schizophrenic person. I believe she is also a covert narcissist, acting often as borderline. I applied resisting to enter in the triangulation, but it's still very, very hard for me resisting the reactivity to her pinging, because my mom operates with strong sarcasm, insults and tantrums, all accompanied with loud and visible Tourettes gestures. Oftentimes, she gives me the impression that if I stay calm, ine of these days she is going to kill herself with her Tourette theatrical noises and gestures. She is a very good actress and surely miserable inside her soul.

[@kelbel7168]

This video just changed my entire life. I have worked HARD, but THIS is that missing piece. EVERYTHING that hasn’t worked, it just clicked for me. I REALLY appreciate it so much...& u are NOT the worst therapist in the world! 😉Lol Thank u, Dr. Wise.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you so much! Please join as a support member here on KZbin for only 1.99/month. This will help keep the free videos coming. They are time consuming to make and take many hours. Thanks for your support of this channel. I have a workshop coming up February 6, 2021 Saturday 1-5pm EST hosted on Zoom GETTING YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN OUT OF YOU, please sign up. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/getting-your-family-of-origin-out-of-you-workshop

[@ElyJane]

Sweet Jerry You have absolutely given me the best Christmas present ever this Christmas Eve with this video. Your wisdom is just so uplifting as I was so miserable up until today with my dysfunctional family excluding me and leaving me all alone whilst they all just laugh and jeer at my speaking out about how messed up our family is! I was in such a dark place going into Christmas alone…. Now after your wise videos I know that now I must protect and look after me first after having a full nervous breakdown because of how I was raised in my dysfunctional family! Thank You ❤ Sending Inner Peace and Calmness to all of you💕🌈💕

[@neitsytmaria6401]

I love how you have such a calming presense :) This really gives me energy and hope I'm gonna solve my issues and manage to separate from my crazy family. Thank you!

[@anAngelisHard2find]

looking absolutely fabulous Jerry, you are the ace of aces at the work you do and powerfully transforming the lives of many of your followers around the world. immense thanks from australia

[@keridesireeGerBaldi]

Truth!

[@Marco-g2u6l]

You are

[@GilbertFleming]

Dont feel someone else's feelings! Thanks for that

[@viviane_casella]

The universe is speaking to me. I realized I'm addicted do stress and all that jazz that comes along with reactivity. As I found it out, your video and others started to be posted, amazing! Thank you, Jerry!

[@nickidaisydandelion4044]

Same happened in my life I reacted for over 50 years and fed the narcissists everything they needed to know about me. But if I had not yelled at them off and on many times my immune system would have suffered. My best friend Birgit didn't yell at her narcissistic family or her husbands who were of course narcissistic. She got the c word and died way too young. I even made her an art work out of a cardboard box with a face on it that showed large teeth and I told her she needed to show her husband Rainer her teeth more often. But she didn't because she learned early on to withhold her emotions and needs from her mother. I yelled at my German family and did all kinds of stuff out of rage and I survived because of that. Not saying that my punk life style and no future attitude in the eighties was good but at least I stood up for myself in dysfunctional ways but at least I did stand up for myself and showed them how I felt. As I got older I learned more about myself and was more clear in my communication so I pointed the issues out to them more and more in detail. Of course they didn't accept the explanations because the truth hurt them. But I did it anyway. I finally moved to the USA. Long long story. I don't want to overwhelm you with all of that. But anyway freeing myself from my parents and brother was massively healing.

[@DeeDee-zo7rv]

Hahaha I love it! “Well I’m not a good son” cuz that’s what they’re insinuating. Reverse polarity. Thanks Jerry

[@jgilbertson636]

Systems anxiety still causes fight flight reaction in the body like having gun held to your head. So in that sense it is still "real" anxiety.

[@squarepeg418]

The way he describes systems anxiety is that people in the system don’t even recognize it is there because it is woven in the fabric of the family dynamic - like asking a fish about the water he is in. “What water?” Is the water hot or cold? “What water?” He doesn’t know life without water. Sure does cause adrenal fatigue, but it’s not the same as the acute anxiety of threat to life. If you are experiencing the background, chronic systems anxiety as life or death 24/7, 365 days a year, you may need medication to make the anxiety manageable.

[@freedomwarrior5087]

@@squarepeg418 - Maybe like the difference between 'complex ptsd' and ptsd from combat.

[@squarepeg418]

@@freedomwarrior5087 exactly

[@t.f.6297]

Jerry, Ive watched a lot of your videos. But for some reason this one gave me the biggest light bulb moment. Its like the lights just turned on for me and I feel so relieved because I get it now. This was such a great video. Thank you for explaining the concept of letting people feel their own feelings. That really helped me today❤

[@jerrywise]

That is awesome!

[@jasminegenovesi]

I was *literally* just telling my bf that my new goal to work towards is to become more benevolent and calm. It's scary to see that the KZbin algorithm can be pinpoint exactly what I want.

[@jennylynn82173]

I’m so glad to see a video from you! You’re by far one of my favorite advisors, Jerry! Thank you 😊

[@mrdennis1038]

The “heart technique” is heart rate variability. It’s also useful to use EMDR for trauma. Definitely the body work of yoga and meditation, especially body scans, is very useful to deal with the emotional and cognitive hijacking that comes from dealing with dysfunction.

[@Sizzln-Rozes]

What Is the heart technique

[@LeaselStien]

What do you mean exactly? Links?

[@LinYouToo]

1:25:30 I always thought that other families were just like the family I was raised in until I sought professional counseling. I was so shocked and in a state of disbelief at what I had experienced and didn’t realize how abnormal and dysfunctional it was.

[@mrdennis1038]

Jerry makes an excellent point of making sure we take care of ourselves when he uses the example of “let’s get done with our lunch” and “I feel like I have done enough “. As we learn to live and navigate systems some people will want to pull you into the mud to get dirty (“Never wrestle with a pig. You will get dirty and, besides, the pig likes it” said George Bernard Shaw) and the opportunity to lose focus and deviate from our intention to be and have healthy relationships can be derailed. I love that he also said in another video that there are no rules to stay mired in nonsense and dysfunctional system behavior and continue to do that dance. As I have grown and changed I have experienced a lot of blowback. His video on learning to go without love and approval is one I have watched several times. Thanks Jerry for this wonderful service.

[@hmmcinerney]

Every day I give thanks for people like Jerry Wise 🙏 😊

[@johnchacko1425]

hes the best on narsist

[@sebbimarti3988]

Listening to your talk was wonderful. When you said "believing them is insane" it really struck a cord. I will definitely use the coke a cola approach.

[@hearthart673]

what is coke cola approach ? need an answer, please !

[@RB-vh2pz]

Yesterday I was feeling so overwhelmed. Decided to watch this video again and was really blessed. It spoke to me at that moment and I started applying the technique. Had an epiphany and praise God everything fell into a calm place. The scripture, ‘Be anxious for nothing but by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your request known unto God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding shall keep your heart and mind in Christ Jesus’, was understood on another level. I was prompted to pray and meditate on this scripture. Thank you Jerry for your encouragement and subtle humor. I really enjoy your work.

[@lisad2701]

What a bunch of delusional crap.

[@dianezielinski462]

These crazy people PISS ME OFF ROYAL!!

[@jimgillert20]

I used to work at a job where the enmeshment was so severe that i was expected to feel and express feelings for the person i was supposed to be enmeshed with that day. A real sci-fi cult. The floor manager yelled at me to act out another's alledged feelings. Telling me, "look at the pain they are in you are raging inside." A total hive mind.

[@dorothynesbit6291]

I laughed out loud at your tip on lowering expectations! This is an awesome video packed with top tips that apply at work as much as they do at home. Thank you, Jerry.

[@Heathermathewhandhearts]

I’m in my finals year of becoming a therapist. Because of you, I have loved the Bowen family system. As soon as I can afford to get fully certified in it, I am! Thanks for all you do for us.

[@marlenaeva3813]

Jerry, thanks to you and your videos, I was able to maintain my calm today. My mother pinged me by asking me a private question and I could literally feel the anxiety in my stomach. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that was an inappropriate question and if I wanted to tell her that I'd tell her. Instead, I stayed calm and answered her question with just one word. Your teachings are powerful and should be out there for everyone to hear and learn-especially those in narcissistic families. Now I know that not everything others do or say needs a reaction and I can choose the feeling I wanna have when someone 'pings' me.

[@vladimiraofficial]

Dear Jerry, your videos are gentle, caring and deeply effective. Thank you for freely sharing such life altering wisdom. 😊❤️

[@jerrywise]

So nice of you

[@ER-ge9hr]

1:46:07 Jerry, when you showed the ocean to us I cried. Thank you for sharing that beautiful moment of calmness. Your videos help me so much. Sending lots of love and gratitude ❤

[@jerrywise]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@SylviaPacheco-v3g]

Mr.Wise I do understand exactly what you're teaching us, I do appreciate . The reason I changed the video is because if you talk about a diagnosis, especially if the diagnosis smears me, trust me, they'll use it against me. The haters will run rapidly with the rumor. I believe in myself, and I'm going to make my way. I'm gonna give myself a pat on back ❤ I know I've survived so much, and I'm going to enjoy the rest of my life without abuse. Thank God, you for your love and wisdom 🙏 My mind thinks about you, especially don't emesh .

[@Sealust50]

"A" No. 1 !!!!!!! I took so many notes on this video of yours, Jerry, that my hand got tired and I ran out of note paper! You are MAGNIFICENT!!!!

[@liveyourbestlife1513]

"The child is the father of the man." -Wordsworth

[@wldavidson5152]

I get it

[@wordswordswords.5422]

on other thing I have learned to lessen anxiety is to lower your expectations for the people who are making you crazy, abusing you, etc. it doesn't take away the pain or make their behavior ok but it does seem to lessen anxiety. for instance, my sister is a full blown narcissist. you could use her as a text book example. anyway, sometimes I get super angry and the crap she is always pulling but when I tell myself that that is who she is and all she is capable of, it helps me calm down a little. it has nothing to do with me. she is the one with the problem.

[@kara4590]

No contact should be advised not lowering expectations ,I'm feeling excellent with no contact,

[@dotsyjmaher]

It IS SO sad we have to spend the rest of our lives recovering from HORROR we had no control over... But thank GOD for INCREDIBLE teachers on you tube... Many of us are left financially depleted..so therapy is too costly.. But MANY therapists have NO IDEA WHAT TRAUMA IS... After Katrina/Rita free help was available... Holy Shhhhht... she was HORRIBLE.... Thank God for KZbin and generous people like Jerry Wise and a handful of other WONDERFUL teachers❤️

[@raqueltorresmba]

AWESOME Information. you can be empathetic and do not internalize others feelings. Observe do not absorbe. Respond do not react. it takes practice. Only real wokeup humans from the toxic-dynamic can really achieve it! ✨🙏🏼⚡️❤️

[@Lili-jv1zp]

I come back to this gem often, thnk you jerry for sharing your amazing insights

[@melissad.6722]

Jerry i just found your chanel today and I think its truly another answer to my prayer lately of telling God "I want to grow up" in 50 I grew up enmeshed with my mom and sister after dad left then 20 years of domestic abuse by narcissist. L Got out last year lost job due to covid and diagnosed with breast cancer in fall. But God continues to heal and recover and restore us. Thank you for the tools you are posting for both me a d teaching my kids. No more "generational curses".

[@drv9744]

(Deanna) Jerry, you are a precious blessing! Thank you, Sir for sharing your knowledge.

[@aylagwenarther2738]

This was worth every minute to watch. And worth re-watching. Thanks for giving examples of healthy vs unhealthy thoughts & behaviors.

[@Marla-k9y]

I come from and enmeshed family. My father has separation anxiety. I only realized recently that this was not normal. Maybe I always knew and tried to reason with it. I always thought that I was lucky to have a father who wanted to be involved in my life. He uses emotional blackmail and will say things like you are my world and I wouldn't want to live without you. I have anxiety issues myself and struggle with my confidence. I am working on detachment, but it is a struggle for him and me. Hope that it gets easier with time.

[@mrs_Q24]

Just had to comment. Thank you, listened to you all day. Food for my soul

[@jerrywise]

Thanks for listening. You are so welcome I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional

[@NorinneWong]

Flying our own plane in a focused stance to remain maturely detached in a calm manner.

[@jensmithe3624]

Jerry you bring so much light to my situation. Trying hard to keep my son out of the family system. My parents and I resolved our conflicts long ago. When I am around my husband's parents I feel danger for my child. He acts out and dad gets mad because of the mother's demands.

[@katherine6068]

This video is pure gold - I watch again and again. Thanks Jerry.

[@flgal7788]

They're not normal! Yes, I came to that conclusion several months back and stopped expecting change and that I could reason or fix them to normalcy. How liberating and sad at the same time.

[@Realg401]

This has got to be the best video I’ve seen so far all of 2023

[@RonJRoy]

Hi Jerry, you are indeed very Wise! You're helping me prepare for time with my Family of Origin over the Holidays, thank you! With all due respect Betty would not be ok with your mother telling everyone at the nursing home about your hair yet I get your point.

[@Denise-y2c]

Your videos are appreciated. You are appreciated. In 1960s 1970s knew my parents were hostile, rage filled. Didn't know what to do.

[@biancavonmuhlendorf2608]

...it is a road less travelled- so true...also for therapists, like myself.I read Lerner 25 years ago...nice to catch up with it now.

[@tjd7964]

Thanks Jerry. It's 5 years later and I just listened to this in a few sessions. So do appreciate your sharing. It is helping me to hear and integrate some of these things.

[@adimeter]

Thanks Jerry for good teaching.

[@cindylou3708]

Jerry- but what bothers me is that while I have to be calm, thinking, focused, non-reactive, analytical, patient, etc etc EVERYONE ELSE GETS TO BE TOTAL NON-THINKING CRAZY MASSIVE EMOTIVE ALL-OUT SELFISH REACTIVE MANIPULATIVE MONSTERS - it’s just so unfair!!!!!! (and guess what - just to add insult to injury, the world will reward THEM and not me)

[@jenniferb4118]

This was pure gold, every minute. I laughed out loud at the haircut example - been in that situation many, many times. Helps to know i'm not the only one.

[@SpottedTiger89]

I come back to this every now and then. This has been helpful to me both as a therapist and as a adult child of a narcissist. Thank you for this gift. It is a constant reminder that there is a way out of the cycle of family dysfunction ❤

[@csr4479]

I wish THIS was the viral video that made headlines. Love this mans' perceptions and compassion! Brillant

[@jerrywise]

Wow, thank you so much Jerry Wise

[@kaiiids815]

Jerry, you’re a true hero. I hope you always know the impact you make 🩷

[@recoverme2473]

omgoodness Jerry, I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel💡calmness IS everything.. Sending you love from across the pond 💛🤗🙏

[@jerrywise]

Wonderful Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, Please sign up for the upcoming workshop “Getting Your Family of Origin Out of You” Workshop Date: February 6, Saturday Time: 1pm EST - 5pm EST Zoom www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events [Even if you are not able to attend, if you sign up for this workshop, I will send you your own copy of the full workshop and the workshop notes]

[@recoverme2473]

@@jerrywise Thank you Jerry, I will join in time. Blessings

[@hollywinberg13]

This is one of your best videos with regard to what I need to hear, understand.and learn from. Its so full of wonderful instructional and helpful info that I need right now. Thank you again for having posted this on youtube Jerry.

[@serenaatallah641]

I watched this as preparation for a hard conversation with my parents about my financial independence. I was cutting the final tie I had to them and they felt they were losing control so they did everything they could to make me feel guilty. As much as they wanted me to engage in the emotional pinging I stayed calm and disengaged from my feelings to keep the conversation on track. It was really hard but in the end I was able to accomplish my goal. Thank you so much for this resource. It is teaching me so much about how to deal with my dysfunctional family system.

[@dinezthompson9832]

Jerry, you are sooo excellent at what you do! Thank you!!

[@melonsoda123]

I grew up with loving parents but I have always been the black sheep of my family. Now, I’ve realized that the most subtle of belittlement from any of my family members “ping” me even though they were not meaning to.

[@USAcit]

Hi Jerry Wise. I find that I benefit to go back to this video, "Calmness is everything" when I find myself unglued or reactive to another (i.e. rude mean people trigger me). What a refreshing sensible video. I'm one of the sensitive or empath co-dependants. To that point most likely developed from my emotionally distant and manipulative mother ... And father too. ❤

[@abookhoarder7802]

I just love how you, unselfishly, share references to reading material.

[@TattedChristian]

Jerry, u r a genius! Even more than that, u r such a caring and beautiful human being. GOD bless u, and thank u so much🕊💓🙏

[@knowmore8914]

53:50 I watched this part three times getting emotional, then moved the feeling into my forehead, it felt very calm there, great advice will try this in future.

The 1st time I heard this I thought, "hmm that makes sense" But it wasnt until TODAY when I was responding to my daughter as I would with any adult (not the child) that it hit me like 1000 SLEDGEHAMMERS! I GOT IT. That simple and that complex. THANK U. Btw.....she in turn is livid. Her childish manipulations aren't working anymore. Ur awesome

[@BlazeIsBOSS]

this video is a life saver, jerry you truly are wise and a god sent. thank you

[@AWEdio]

This has been very helpful, I've been approaching this in completely the wrong way and I am surprised I've not realised this sooner (I'm now 50!). Why on earth am I expecting the people who have never met my needs, to meet my needs? Why have I been expecting them to change? So now I need to learn how to love myself and meet my own needs. Perhaps first I need to figure out who I am and what my needs are...

[@jlo1372]

You have been such a blessing!!!! Can you list book sources that you reference in your videos?

[@mopanitrust9034]

Thank you, Jerry. What one man can do, another can do. May God bless us to stay in His divine calmness He has given us as His gift of grace ❤️ Jesus is Victor

[@jansimpson4364]

This video is really helpful - a lot of great tips - it validates one of the things I’ve used with my family of origin - as an adult I’ve been asking myself would I keep this person as a friend if they weren’t family? And often the answer comes back no. That tells me I need to decide then if the priority I’m giving having them is really justified… it was especially nice to hear you say that, Jerry - ‘then maybe I’m only going to see them every (few) months…’. It’s so empowering. I even have family members I only talk to if my husband is there, not because I’m helpless without him, but because I know they wont bring up certain things with him there. So they are on their better behavior… 😊 and we can make an excuse and leave early…

[@supersoft1793]

I just received your videos, I already love your content, thank you so much ❤

[@jerrywise]

Welcome!!

[@whitehorse3828]

Jerry is the best, the absolute best! You can tell he has lived what he teaches...that is why he is SO excellent at it. Thank you Jerry WISE :-)

[@Chahlie]

I had bought a couple novels by Lavyrle Spencer, on planes or something, and found that I cried all the way through them even though they seemed like light fluff. They are all centred around happy and supportive families.Can you imagine 3 sisters and a mom living together running a falling down Victorian hotel? And being happy and caring? My family is on tenterhooks just having a cup of tea. Now I'm starting to wonder about my love of murder mysteries.... :)

[@PreYeah]

"We all have to grow up", so true! For a long time, I was being run by "the system" and failing miserably at anything I was trying to accomplish in my twenties. When I'd vent to my distance/aloof parents, their response was, "life is difficult", "you're now no longer a child". So I naturally then internalized that to mean, "I just suck at being an adult, growing up is difficult, I can't handle it". Only some months ago did I realize that it wasn't the growing up that's the problem (we are, after all, hardwired to grow up. It's effortless and happens on its own). The difficulty is having had to grow up with no grace. The very concept of our individuality and everything it encompasses (a person's values, boundaries, outlooks, interests, preferences) just wasn't acknowledged nor encouraged in my enmeshed family. Instead, we were gaslit and dismissed when wanting to express these. That we have had a graceless existence this whole time causing us to not be in touch with our potential. This calm you mention is a byproduct of having had grace cultivated in oneself (whether on their own or by their parents). "We all have to grow up" is what has caused me to finally give up on trying to make my parents' see it, get their approval/permission/have them be on the same page cause I'm realizing how I'm prone to missing that train, just because they chose to sit this out. Thank you, Jerry! This was so well-described despite the nuances and complexity of this abuse.

[@gopal1035]

Thank you sir 😀

[@jerrywise]

Your most welcome ❤️

[@Limlani]

Thank you

[@jerrywise]

You’re welcome!

[@tammyturner8737]

This is a real thing and is an essential tool in understanding triggers and being able to self soothe during those moments when you feel not so in control of YOUR emotions and feelings👌👍

[@wordswordswords.5422]

the calmness comes when we focus on ourselves and not getting it from everyone else. so well put Mr. Wise. I sometimes do that instinctively when my crazy family makes me so freaked out that I want to end my life. I just sort of pull into myself and am like "ok, calm down. breathe. what do you need? what are you going to do for yourself today?" it's interesting that even without the knowledge our minds/bodies will sometimes instinctively do this for us. Having said that, it's way better to be aware and the info you are relaying in this video is priceless. thank you.

[@PhuongLe-gt7fu]

I feel calm listening to you. Thank you!

[@nikkinavarro6094]

Thank you for sharing this.

[@jerrywise]

Thanks for listening

[@takyiyakvsi]

Thank you so much, Jerry for this very detailed and inspirational video! Used it in my conversation with an ex, turned out just great! Will continue to apply instruments you suggested. I've almost finished "How to grow yourself up" book. Can't wait to start the next one. Growing up is the most exciting journey I've ever taken! Thanks once again for the priceless content you create and upload ❤️