Narcissistic Parents Behaviors that Cause Deep-Rooted LONELINESS

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@Portia620]

I need to focus two on parents that are helping their children to make good decisions with regards to relationships. What’s a healthy relationship? What’s not a healthy relationship because kids could come from Narcissistic families, and one parent not being narcissist was a victim may be raised by narcissist, is trying to figure it all out, and help their children from going down the same path.

[@Portia620]

I wouldn’t say that churches are exactly the healthiest places, especially when we’re talking about narcissism I think you’re leading people down the wrong path. Sometimes it’s better to practice religion on your own mini religions are cold like and they take a vantage of people and many people than sexually abused, or taken advantage of in churches. Just an FYI.

[@Portia620]

You need to find narcissism very specifically for people because it’s hard to tell sometimes who’s in our system in Hwy Isn’t, and you might teach people to run into the wrong direction and especially to churches you have to be very careful

[@barryduff5058]

@@Portia620 I think you've completely missed the point. I find it very refreshing that Jerry, a pastor understands 1st hand how damaging having narcissistic parents is. It sure beats those who ACT like they've arrived & have zero empathy on those of us who are still struggling. Jesus is indeed the answer, but we often need a wise person (pun intended) to lead us to Him

[@Tass3030]

@@Portia620excellent “fyi”and I can vouch for all u said!!

[@Oldbroad1]

This explains so much. I never really had a chance to grow into a happy, confident adult. At 68 I’m still trying to put the pieces together. Thank you, Jerry. ❤

[@WhiteRabbitProphecies]

I used to lie against the wall to feel like I wasn't alone in the world. Even , when I was dying in 1971 from brain inflammation my mother wouldn't talk to me or comfort me in death ....but after 3 months I survived alone. At 64 I still get nervous as the sun goes down and my wife goes to sleep. I play a radio by my bed and sleep in thick Gund like blankets to comfort me. I will overcome this in some way as I overcame so many obsticles in life. I guess we share that and I thank you for speaking this truth.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Me neither.

[@rosieleat6868]

me too at 62 xxx

[@knit1purl1]

I'm also over 60. I was a thing to my borderline mother, not an individual with needs. Age appropriate growth and autonomy is squashed and I was very isolated. The isolation is horrible but it's what the abuser does.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

@@knit1purl1 yes, I agree.

[@vanessajoycecollett6607]

The sad thing is kids that were abused this way tend to attract the same kind of narcissistic people😭

[@HaakSO]

Yup, my sister and her now-ex-husband for instance

[@itsAmeOFP]

And/or become narcissists themselves

[@BlackPhi1ip]

I had my first relationship a few years ago and it lasted 2 years (I’m 30 now). She was a textbook narcissistic and it destroyed my life all over again. Silver lining was just awareness, I understand now that I’m at risk to fall in with the same sort of people my mother was because it “feels right”. Never again. I’m still healing and am going to trauma therapy now.

[@jds6964]

I had a "friend" who know when I look back at my relationship with him, I finally realized that he was the same way as my mom and that was why I liked him. I finally got rid of his friendship and never looked back.

[@tspencer661]

I did. I was 43 years old when I discovered, through counseling, that I went from a controlling mom to a controlling husband. (My counselor told me that you marry what you know. I knew control, so I married control. I divorced my now ex-husband. I have not “divorced” my mom, but I limit my time with her.

[@tania5012]

The pain of loneliness is so intense inside, it's been with me for as long as I can remember.

[@senselessDesires666]

Something happened to you recently. The source of divine oneness has touched your soul. You are awakening. You are quickening. You have an understanding, a knowing of your true power. You now stand as a sacred source of your true power. You are the power. This power is changing you. This power is changing your reality. Look around you, you are at the center of a sacred circle of creation. You are now aware of the illusion of the world. You feel more deeply now. You feel the suffering the world has caused. You realize that your actions are significant. You create your reality. You are the power.

[@febee5285]

i understand you completely, me the same. My whole life was lonely. My cat is everything to me.I I wish you all the best!. 🙏💐❤️

[@ericscott5224]

Sometimes the loneliness is absolutely crushing

[@febee5285]

@@ericscott5224 i wish you also the best! 🙏🪷🌺

[@Calligraphybooster]

I wish you all the best. This warm feeling in your chest. ❤

[@karendotson230]

This touched so many nerves. My mother never wanted me to do anything, have friends, hobbies, music lessons, etc. I’m still dealing with mentally at 60.

[@noklarok]

I also missed out on music lessons as a kid, trying to catch up now

[@hazel_basil7415]

Never too late to do the things you want to do

[@sp3357]

My mom was the opposite she put me in piano lessons because she wanted to do it growing up and my instructor told her that I was not interested and she was wasting money my mom got so mad 🤷🏾‍♀️ I didn’t care at all you should ask your children what they want to do instead of forcing them to do something they don’t want to.

[@suelutz5364]

​@hazel_basil7415 that's not really true. One might be able to "do" things; achieving some level of competency is a different thing.

[@ckr_444]

My mom was the same! I wasn’t allowed to do anything. And was constantly compared to my older sister.

[@jenninexus]

Shoutout to any kid who went through this. I'm 40 and just now realizing, w/ the help of a therapist.

[@timorthelame1]

Ditto and right back at you.

[@aeonsbeyond]

I can't find a therapist because they're all such narcissists too.

[@kristina7901]

Me too just finding out :(

[@TheREALLibertyOrDeath]

Same, keep on keeping on. Narcissistic parents SUCK!

[@anja4755]

Please try again. I just starting therapy and she is very clever and supportive!@@aeonsbeyond

[@waynec369]

The worst feeling in the world is being in a room FULL of people and being lonely. Feeling as if you're a post holding the roof up.

[@TheREALLibertyOrDeath]

I’ve always felt I can go anywhere and be completely unnoticed. It’s kind of an odd trait

[@user-ii1iy8fz1d]

Sucks hard 😢 x

[@brera2434]

Yes! It's a real curse, this ability to make yourself invisible...maybe we should all become secret agents, turn a curse into a talent?​@@TheREALLibertyOrDeath

[@katjabischur9292]

You speak right from my heart! 😢

[@marypatton1122]

I feel great when alone by myself. I am the happy queen of quarantine. I feel most alone and exhausted around people. The more people, the more alone I feel. Most people don't seem to feel this way.

[@michelleduncan9965]

I've heard victims of narcissistic parents say that they don't even try to find/have/build friendships - as attract unhealthy abusers like their parents ... so they just give up & stop trying. It's heart breaking.

[@noshame5791]

Precisely me.

[@tonyarussell8419]

I stopped trying to make friends years ago .

[@sl-te2xh]

Yes...and my mother hated kids wanted to be my friends, she made up so much lies...blocked friendships...I was popular, she hated me so much,I was better then her and she destroyed me, after awhile..like you said, just attracted people like them....it is a living hell...hope you heal..

[@valpurgija]

Very true, some abusers were a bit more obvious some it took me years to understand. Only in very late 20s things became a bit more clearer.

[@1980shameka]

I can see that…

[@-MakeItGood-]

You spend your life undoing what was done in just 10 years at the beginning of life.

[@tsmith3522]

I'm so tired but I'm worth searching for my healing 💛

[@ClassicTrucker]

My parents never taught me anything.

[@xenatron9056]

Well, they did teach you stuff... but not the right stuff.

[@noklarok]

my gran said "some parents don't teach their kids how to tie their shoelaces so that the kid will have to keep asking them to do it"

[@joanndeck4315]

They’re too self absorbed to care….sometimes I wonder why they even have kids other than to have people to emotionally abuse….they fell “good” doing this….and don’t know that loving relationships would feel ten times better. Just completely incapable and uncaring.

[@CaseyDavies-od7ir]

Same

[@francescarb]

same

[@MarcSmith23]

Loneliness can hurt. But the most painful, grinding, sickening kind of loneliness is you missing yourself.

[@EnigmaticAnamoly]

Damn, I was not emotionally prepared to read that... You're spot on.

[@slimshany4602]

Spot on..! 👍🌼

[@Abwmusicdk]

Wow, that hit the spot

[@MarcSmith23]

@@Abwmusicdk There’s a Swedish musician who wrote many hit songs who was openly looked up to by the Beatles. He said, paraphrased, “I had everything; beautiful wife and children, fame, success, work I loved and was good at but I never had one thing…..myself.

[@danthompson5797]

Honestly that's the ONLY kind of true loneliness. I you have yourself, you will always have others as well. It's the same basic principle that people parrot: "You must love yourself before you can love someone else"

[@sponkmcdonk3898]

Imagine how frustrating it is to experience this and then not having the parents accept any accountability. They consider your mental health issues ‘genetic’ when it benefits them.

[@rowantic6539]

Yes you were born with it.

[@shalinicarnis]

or as imagination cos they cant admit their mistakes nor apologise. They'll rather hurt inside that they lose us than to be sorry n converse with us to save the relationship.

[@coolfer2]

"If you know so much better than your parents, then go build a family and raise a kid yourself. Then see if you can really do any better" is something my mom often use, without any consideration that all the traumas they've caused actually give me so much anxiety to build relationship with people, let alone having kids.

[@shalinicarnis]

@@coolfer2 I assume you’re from Indian household too, nonetheless 💯 relate

[@monicaluketich6913]

My narcissistic mother : "You must have gotten that (whatever the 'that' was in a particular situation) from your father's side of the family."

[@tonyd7994]

To this day, at the age of sixty five years old, I still carry a deep sense of loneliness inside of me. This is coupled with an instinctive understanding that I don't belong to any family or any place. The bonds of being part of a family were never forged and set in place for me, even though I grew up with two parents and and three siblings. I used to comfort myself by saying "even though I'm on my own I am never lonely". This was a lie, as I can still feel lonely in a crowded room full of my family and friends. Thank you Jerry for these wonderful videos that are helping me to heal one step at a time.

[@jerrywise]

Glad to help! ❤️

[@cc967]

I’m 64 and my family still follows the assigned roles my 93 year old narcissistic mother assigned us as children. The cruelty never ends.

[@mollymclean-xj3qd]

Whoa. I’m 54. Thanks for the heads up.

[@lomalindaamaza3984]

She is old God giving her a chance to repent from her demonic ways.

[@heikeschroeder8538]

Thanks for sharing that. I still struggle with the fallout in my 70’s and feel like I should have been over this long ago.

[@carol22368]

​@@lomalindaamaza3984It ain't going to happen. She will never admit that she did anything wrong. It's always how she was wronged, the constant victim. At least that's been my experience.

[@chuck3999]

You hit the nail on the head. I'm an adult of a Narcissistic mother. Yes, I'm extremely independent and very lonely. I was also Parentified. My life is nearly over now. I feel I've been cheated out of life. Currently living in Survivor Mode. A life of quiet desperation. No one understands me or cares to get to know me. I also have a real fear of intimacy.

[@gabriella8797]

Same. Never felt I had a life. Stayed by myself most of my life. No husband or children. No family as I was the scape goat and had to go no contact with siblings.

[@Bat_Boy]

Same. But be kind to yourself, it’s only at an older age (your legacy years), do you have time, to look back and ask, “what was that all about?”, to finally get an answer. It takes time, for life to be the teacher.

[@winterqueenkel]

Same. No family...just invisible.

[@maryannbaretta1989]

I can relate with everyone's remark in the comment link here ..Thank You for sharing.everyone!❤

[@ColdBaltBlue]

You took the words right out of my mouth.

[@margyrowland]

I wasn’t allowed to have friends come over to my house when I was young, and when I got older I didn’t want anybody to come over because my mother would embarrass me.

[@RonSafreed]

Same with me, my parents were both 'anti-social' & as I got older, the friends my parents had, stopped communicating & associating with my parents & it was an embarrassment to see my parents becoming 'loners' fighting all the time!!

[@thomasayele5389]

Same here. If friends did come over she'd hover over us and make it uncomfortable.

[@tspencer661]

I could have friends over, but I always felt more comfortable at someone else’s house.

[@elamanecera]

same

[@kahnoriportee881]

I went through the same thing😔

[@Christycat927]

Yep, it was like listening to my life story. Was to "be seen and not heard"... My feelings never mattered, I was never allowed to be completely happy- pets were taken away while I was in school and was lied to about it, my dreams were ridiculed- I was told I wasn't going to make it anyway... told I was worthless constantly etc... and that the very few boyfriends I had back then... was told that "they probably don't love you" etc... (and when she was right...I got the whole "I told you so...." ) .... the list goes on... I grew up with no self-respect, self care etc... I didn't follow my dreams because of deep self doubt... attracted people who treated me the same way... I had no boundaries or control over my life etc.. I still feel like I don't exist... the loneliness thing is actually preferred now because I have zero drama in my life now and it keeps me from having to deal with other people's issues which I no longer have patience for. I am burned out and just want quiet.

[@Christycat927]

And yes, was not allowed to have close relationships with people. My grandmother (the narc) would actually be jealous of my aunt (her daughter) when they came to visit because she knew we were sharing notes about how awful she was. She also didn't like it if I became close to other female adults- she would immediately cut those people off from me. I finally had one woman ask her to take me out for a girls day because she knew my grandmother wasn't going to ever do that for me...and the first thing she said to me when we got in in the car, away from my grandmother was something like.... "I know your grandmother is not good to you".... I was shocked and relieved that someone saw right through her. Of course, my grandmother made up an excuse to not be friends with her after that...

[@lisawanderess]

Yes! I had my beloved pony sold off while I was at school. Told all those awful things but my mother would now deny ever having said or done anything but “absolutely adore” me! Classic gaslighting!

[@beegeesquirrel]

I received the same treatment from my parents. I feel your pain. The good news is, we are free to go. We do not have to suffer anymore. We can change our lives without looking back.

[@websurfer5772]

@@beegeesquirrel We're free to go, but wherever we go, there we are. It may not be there all the time, but we wouldn't be on this channel if we could just walk away from it all.

[@beegeesquirrel]

@@websurfer5772 because there is healing to do

[@alainroger-r8b]

With the quality of people, being alone is a blessing, not a curse I assure you.

[@Bronte866]

The quality of people has not changed and I have found I will have to seek out the caliber of person I want to be with. They won’t fall into our laps. I try to think of where a quality person I would like would be and go there. You are describing mediocrity I think, which I refuse to wallow in. You are right that who we spend our time with says a lot about who we are. It does take concerted effort to find people you really want to be with.

[@maryj7950]

IF I could give THIS remark 10 thumbs up...I would. It's THAT dead on

[@amerubix185]

That resonates with what I stated earlier: Contrary to the common belief, dark triad personalities are not so rare as one would expect. And this is why the "therapeutic" narrative that victims have to solve "patterns" to not further stumble upon those is simply just another gaslighting.

[@Brizzi414]

I wasn’t allowed to be a child and then I became my parents’ parent in their eyes. It’s a very confusing way to live. Isolating has been the most comfortable way to live through it. I guess I’ve stepped away to raise myself…finally.

[@godsrichgirlsllc8234]

Wow! This resonates.

[@happygoluckystar8069]

❤ I experienced the same… stay strong! You will overcome it some day. ✊✊

[@websurfer5772]

I was amazed that my birth chart tells me I'm supposed to stay on my own and re-mother myself. That's what some people are supposed to do though. I've been reading about that for years ever since I first saw it.

[@happygoluckystar8069]

@@websurfer5772 wow! 😳 Is this eally written in a birth chart? Where? Could you kindly share what is the aspect or planet/ house placemet? 🙏 I am big fan of astrology, so that would hugely contribe to my learning process! Thank you and all the best in your journey 💖

[@websurfer5772]

@@happygoluckystar8069 Sure, I have notes on this. I tried to keep it short but that's super difficult for me. The following aspects are where re-mothering myself comes up: North Node 1st house Cancer South Node 7th house Capricorn Scorpio Moon on cusp with Libra Black Moon Lilith 6th house Pluto conjunct Uranus and Zeus 4th house Virgo in opposition to: Chiron 2* from Sun in Pisces Moon trine Mars in Pisces Libra/Scorpio Moon opposite Venus conjunct Jupiter and Admetos in Aries Vulcanus at 0* Cancer 1st house I'm only 5% through the notes I have on my chart so I'm going to stop there with the aspects because re-mothering myself is a major theme for me this lifetime and that list is already getting overwhelming. If you want to know what else I might find in my chart in regards to this topic, just ask and I'll see what there is in addition to this because I'm making notes about my answer to you concerning this matter too. Revisiting this from time to time is good for me. Here are some of the things my chart says in relation to these aspects regarding re-mothering myself: North Node (NN) Cancer: Amplifies caring for myself and nurturing myself. Cancer is ruled by the Moon and this is a feminine Moon, so I have to honor and foster my feminine side and learn what that means as I navigate my way through this lifetime. Cancer: "The more Cancer in a chart the more abandonment issues a person has because Cancer is the most abandoned, orphaned, adopted, and basically left on their own to raise themselves sign out of all the signs in the zodiac. Some astrologers say that Cancer is the sign of family, but it isn't really, it's the sign of people who are looking for family because their family has disappeared in some way." - Sloan Bella Cancer North Node craves healing and heartfelt connections. This cuddly soul feels called to nurture herself. In this lifetime, she is being called to dive into the emotional world and honor her feelings. The Universe pushes her to pull off the band-aid and reveal any emotional wounds that have not healed. These wounds may also be from ancestral traumas. Through divine self-care Cancer North Node heals herself which will also help humanity evolve and heal. NN 1st house - I'm not supposed to worry about whether others approve of my life or not. I'm supposed to go with what my heart and soul tell me, and my gut instincts. The 1st house is the house that forces us to ask ourselves, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am ‘I’?” (Individuation) If you “do” Cancer badly, then you make yourself vulnerable in inhospitable environments, and you get hurt. Also, you make yourself invisible and vulnerable by nurturing others, but keeping your own wants and needs safely hidden from view. If you do Cancer well, then you make yourself vulnerable in appropriate environments. You open yourself up to trusting others. You let others experience your imagination and feelings, and you allow yourself to be loved. _(But this is totally unsafe to do with narcissists, obviously)_ I need to be fine with people being resistant to me, or rejecting me. South Node (SN): Capricorn to Cancer is the Mommy-Daddy axis. Saturn is a dot-your-(i)s and cross-your-(t)s, and eat-your-broccoli kind of energy. Saturn rules Capricorn and my mother was a Capricorn and she wore the pants. SN Capricorn: I need to let the mommy energy in to get out of this Duty, Order, and Structure and into my Heart where I can help myself. The Moon opposite Venus transit is very good for taking long baths and just lying on the couch watching videos. Transit of Moon Opposition Venus: This transit is good for staying home and for self-pampering because spending time with others can become irritating during this period meant for arguments. Lilith in 6th House can flow by honoring nature’s cycles and the body’s signals. I could go on, but I'll stop there, because astrology is like diving into infinity on any topic. I hope you find some of this helpful for you, and please let me know if any of these aspects or similar ones are in your chart. Your username is awesome, btw. 🙂🍀🌟

[@amberinthemist7912]

I felt lonely my entire life. Even in a decades long marriage. I didn't know about narcissists. I had no idea what I was doing by allowing my family the access to my life the way I did. Once I cut them out of my life and distanced myself the loneliness is starting to fade.

[@moonrabbit9621]

I can completely relate... narcissists really destroy you from the inside. I'm so sorry to hear about your past but I'm very happy that you're on the road to recovery, just like I am...stay strong, you got this

[@LukiGames0]

I survived bullying at school, parents arguments and divorce, then father remarried with another narcissist and they both gang up on me as i stayed with my father, now i am in my 30's and looking for an apartament to live on my own as it is not a life with them. I do not know what love is and probably will never know as i am to affraid of another narcissist in my life.

[@m.f.richardson1602]

So happy you got away

[@websurfer5772]

@@SB-xw9rm In my case, I put it up with it because they were also good to me too, a lot of the time. That makes it more emotionally confusing for me.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@websurfer5772 Known as "intermittent reinforcement".......this is what abusers do that can cause Stockholm Syndrome in their victims.

[@Coach.Kallista]

1.) Lack of emotional support --> low self esteem 2.) Invisible & Neglected 3.) Emotionally manipulated --> self doubt --> hinders connection 4.) Lack of Boundaries --> no autonomy or individuality & self individuation 5) Role reversal --> not set up for age appropriate relationships or connect with peers. 6) Fear of abandonment --> Narcs undermine your successful relationships 7) Isolation from supportive realtionships --> sabotages your positive healthy relationships 8) Internalization of Narcissistic Traits --> hinders emotional intimacy 9) Narcissists demand the spotlight from their children --> don't learn to self soothe

[@noellenicolas9436]

Wow, all of the above. I’m so proud of myself for first surviving and now thriving (a little bit;)

[@DianaKirkpatrick-d8k]

Child of narcissistic father, and victim of sexsual abuse from a teacher in high school for 4 years. Nothing good came from that.

[@O.O.O.K999]

I've spent almost my entire adult life living without other people, by choice. People think it must be lonely but truly the only time I felt really lonely was in the parental home (and a short period living with a boyfriend, when the relationship was dying). Compared to the loneliness I felt growing up, living without other people, is bliss. I use that term 'without other people' because I don't feel lonely because my cats are better, more welcoming, more loving company than most people I've known.

[@HANZELVANDERLAAY]

Yeah..my dog is lovely..best wishes to you

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

Yes! I agree with everything you said. I really want a puppy or a kitty too, but I can't afford one.

[@box2519]

@@PerrySkyePhoenix Get a rescue pet from a shelter. They are free. Let the animal choose you not the other way around then you will have a true friend. Cats are excellent to lay up on your chest. They pull out the depression energies felt and heals your spirit. Dogs can send healing energies at you. Both animals are very intelligent spiritually but you must find the ones who naturally connect to you first. From out of a crowd of animals that want to just sniff your hand there will be that one who knows you better than you know yourself and that is the animal you need. One may stray into your life which has become common more these days with so much neglect by others who did not care for them and kicked them out of a car to the side of the highway. God is ready to listen to you and make that easy miracle come true.

[@Kvinnie424]

My dogs are my family. They love, respect and are more loyal than any of the people I have ever met especially my family of origin. They were abusive and I am better off without them.

[@camillapalmer82]

I hear you! Plants and animals, books and art are my constant companions. I’m so happy.

[@somedudem8]

Relationships are dangerous, because you never know what the other person is going to pull once they reveal their corrupt selves.

[@CaseyDavies-od7ir]

No one is perfect, just depends on If they are willing to change there bad habits and behaviour.

[@NikkiC777]

@@CaseyDavies-od7ir I think if you are seeing someone and the person reveals something bad about themselves, you can't really expect them to change, and even if they say they'll change, they hardly ever really do. People don't make true changes to themselves for other people. They only change, if it is a change that they actually want to make like they realize the specific behavior isn't working for them. So if someone reveals something bad, and it isn't something their partner can accept, it's better if they just end the relationship at that point. That's my opinion on that anyway.

[@MultiSUNFLOWER18]

@@NikkiC777Well said

[@MsEagle20]

Just like politics.

[@abvincent12]

100%

[@islaadele1212]

I think a lot of us feel like we need to hide. From other people, mostly, because anything more than a superficial level will quickly find us wanting.

[@islaadele1212]

@kogo8107 True. We learn to hide as a survival strategy. I think that's kind of encoded pretty early. If you get burnt as a kid when you reach out to people, you don't stick your hand in the fire as an adult. It's sad, cause life is all about risk and even as we shy away, we probably know we're missing out on the good stuff while not necessarily being safe from the bad. Hard to break the habits of early learning, though.

[@louisecampbell2628]

OMG!!! YES

[@tspencer661]

Yes. Hiding as a survival strategy. For years, I had to keep track in my mind who I told which story to. Person 1 knows story A. Person 2 knows story B. Person 3 knows stories A, B, and C. It was exhausting. It was after therapy that I started working on being honest with everyone. I no longer have to keep track of my stories. The only person I can’t be honest with is my mom. I still lie by omission. Yes, I’m 50 and I still have to lie to my mom, so she’ll leave me alone.🤦🏾‍♀️

[@amerubix185]

@@islaadele1212 I took the risk, even succeeded in living the life of an extrovert for a period of time, and oh boy, let me tell you now I am really hiding bc now I know what lurks out there in the shadows waiting for an opportunity. And if you don't have a family that has your back, you are hell of an opportunity. Just look at nature. Predators make use of opportunities. And prey without protection from their herd is an opportunity. That's the sad and bitter truth.

[@nancybartley4610]

Parents have to teach kids that life is hard AND that the difficulties are not their fault. (Yes, we have to take responsibility when we create a problem, but we can't possibly be the source of every problem we encounter.) We were not taught to calmly assess in a detached manner. We were not taught that we have to believe in ourselves, that we will fall down but we must get back up and forge on. Instead, we spend our lives thinking we are having a hard time because of our inner defects. We take what is handed to us because we were not taught that we deserve more and that we are the ones responsible for structuring our lives to be what we want it to be.

[@macareuxmoine]

My parents taught me that life is one big f***ing problem, that everyone was my enemy and they were happy & convinced I deserved every piece of that.

[@raven4090]

​@@macareuxmoine Same here.

[@kris_ty685]

Yea my dad couldn't even go into my apartment or listen to me talk because he would get so mad and frustrated with all the things wrong I'm doing in my life. Yet he would never guide me on how to use discernment and navigate my challenges...He would just tell me how I screwed up again!!! He told me " I was a horse he wouldn't bet on".... I felt so much anger at myself and the world at large because I just couldn't get everyone and everything to do what I need them to so things would go as planned lol. I literally was just winging it through life and had no idea until just recently why I felt so inadequate and unlovable...

[@David-eu1ms]

I remember a psychology professor walking in on the first day of class and asking the class what they thought life was about, the room was silent for a few seconds before he shouted out pain, life is about pain and if you haven't realized it yet you will eventually. I didn't understand what he was talking about at the time.

[@kris_ty685]

@@David-eu1ms so why do we bother?

[@cgp1442]

You have completely described my childhood. My narc mother even interferred my engagement to my true love . Years after she convinced me I'd be making the biggest mistake of my life by marring him because he was " too close to his family" , I had a light bulb moment where i realized she was losing control over me and she wasnt going to let that happen.

[@LKH165]

It's all about control, they can't let go of it. The biggest mistake of my life was listening to my mother, that robbed me of so many life choices and opportunities. It's been nearly 10 years since I last spoke with her and I still have nightmares from time to time.

[@LavenderBlue-g1j]

My mom tried to sabotage my engagement while helping me prepare for our wedding. God helped me, but it was rough.

[@Livingspirit35]

My narcissistic father sabotaged my marriage proposal to prevent me from getting married and created rumors stating that the age difference btween my ex and i was not enough. He was letting me know that he did so much for me and this is how i thanked him

[@notsoseriousmoonlight]

I was so isolated as a teen that I would talk to pictures. I'd cut them out of magazines and keep them in a binder. I'd spread them out on my bed and have long conversations with them. They weren't mean and never judged me. I've never told anyone this. Narc mom. I used to beg to go to church, but she said no one there would ever want to be my friend because I was too sad and depressed. I never got to go.

[@BloomingBriars]

I did the same, even taped them to a broom to talk to them at my height. So sad for us.

[@ChillPill365]

At 32 years old, living alone and drinking every night this video hit me hard.

[@jelkel25]

Feeling abandoned and lonely was a step up from being micromanaged by someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart. When their attentions were elsewhere were the best times in my childhood. The problem is it becomes a state you actively work towards and it's a tough habit to break.

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

This explains it. Unfortunately, I grew up being attracted to men and women who turn out to be exactly like my highly covertly narcissistic mother. Now, at nearly 60 years old... I've become avoidant. I self isolate, but through all of the loneliness and the heartache... I've learned to enjoy my own company. Even so, I sometimes wish that I knew how to have healthy relationships. I wish that I could just be "normal."

[@michelleduncan9965]

I know what you mean Perry.

[@GingerPeacenik]

Same.

[@TheKristin43]

Very much same

[@Einstormer]

I can confirm that I suffered all of these mistreatments and abuses growing up, and that it never, ever stops.

[@JaseekaRawr]

It can stop if you go No Contact! But then you have to seek therapy & healing for the unfair damage they've done. I'm 36 & moved 8,000 miles away from my entire fam, yet still have them inside my head 🥺 The programming & brainwashing is strong. I finally went officially NC a couple months ago. I can finally start healing, now 🥲 I wish the same for all of you, my fellow scapegoats! 🐐❤

[@judywillis7593]

Separate yourself from anyone and anything that robs you of your peace. Let peace keep you.🙏

[@ladyincityoflights6449]

No kidding, my mother never stopped and my dad was in lock-step with her. They bitched to my little brother so much about the way I treated THEM, he started on me about it last year after both of them died (my dad at age 84 in 2019 and my mom at age 91 in 2022), and I'm like that was 45 years ago! What did I do that was so bad? I moved out in the summer after my junior year in high school, took the high school proficiency exam and passed, moved in with my Vietnam Vet boyfriend and went to community college where I finished my AA in a year and a half and went on for my BA and MA, but was still black sheep/scapegoat of my family of origin, which I kept at arms length ever since leaving home. Somehow tho when they got very old and frail, I forgave them. And the money they had didn't run out in their old age as it does for so many, so now I own a house with no mortgage and got some money inheritance too. It feels like getting a legal settlement for the damages of my childhood. At least now that I am a (young) senior, I have a better life financially, and it is getting much better psychologically as well..

[@Einstormer]

@@ladyincityoflights6449 Since such parents see children as resources, they are upset if the child doesn't provide the "return on investment" that they expect. Up until the end of life, as you've described so well. It's a truly toxic behavior.

[@deborahmiller3455]

We need to band together. That's how we win. I work on improving my life, make progress, begin to feel better, get excited that I'm on the path to recovery, then BAM. Some idiot who knows nothing of this suffering will talk down their finger at me in public...and I nosedive again into isolation. Round and round. We need a script for these occasions, so we can better deal with the setbacks. Emotional confrontation will not do the trick, yet this is where the crap sends us, we react instead of respond. Then people label us as crazy or unstable or worse.

[@Brandiafinegirl62]

OMG! I'm in shock and disbelief. I recently discovered my parents were narcissist and I was definitely codependent. I find this to be a miracle and the key to unlocking the pain I live with daily. I've never had a clue who I was, why I was in so much emotional pain. So much PAIN on the inside !!! My mom had something bad to say about anyone I was fond of. The girls and woman are all dirty good for nothings. I've never been able to see that until now. Thank you.

[@aammssaamm]

That's a classic way to ensure no women compete with her. The other part is that "girls and woman are all dirty good for nothings" comes from her own experience she keeps as her own secret. Extremely painful.

[@tinkingtinking2134]

I hope you find peace. I've known for 8 years now and the pain doesn't go away, infact I see more now I know what to look for. My parents and daughter are narcissist, she creates alot of jealously to hurt me, so did my parents She told me the other day she has no attachment to anything or anyone and blamed me for that. When I tried to defend myself she got nasty until I admitted it was my fault. She's the last of the narcissist in my life I have to go no contact with, but its hard when there's grandkids involved, but I am pulling away more. Goodluck . ❤

[@probi99]

Yeah my narc mom used to love to make fun of everyone's appearance on tv. Nonstop everyday. So critical.

[@miss19lolo]

What I struggle with now is the loneliness from people generally being judgmental and making themselves distant whenever they hear that you do not have a relationship with your parents, even if they were/are toxic. Thay do not care AT ALL! I have extremely rarely, if ever, received any empathy or sympathy whenever I have shared that part of myself with people.

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

I still have a relationship with my a-mum even though she has been toxic over the years (not as bad as other relatives), but I still really hope that cutting family off will become less stigmatised over time. People who judge don't have all the facts, and are probably projecting something onto you, too.

[@noshame5791]

Same

[@johngoldsworthy7135]

Same here. Many see it as a character flaw on your part. It’s pretty sad really but suffering turns into grace with God’s love

[@deborahmiller3455]

They either do not understand, as it is not their experience, or they are suffering the same sick and have just not ever even tried to better themselves.

[@NikkiC777]

The reason they see it as a character flaw on your part is that they've most likely been blessed with at least halfway decent parents, and so they are viewing your life through the lens of their life. They don't realize and probably can't comprehend that you were raised extremely differently, and your parents may have been much crueler than theirs, and even if their parents don't deserve judgement for how they behaved maybe other people's parents do.

[@burnindownthehouse]

My mother was a narcissist and my father had an incredibly terrible temper. It was a toxic combo. Nurture and empathy from parents was something that I have never known. I'm 48 now and I have lived a life of loneliness. Is some of my loneliness my fault? Maybe. I'm not sure. But not having that support early on has hindered me in some ways. I never really did recover from that emotional punch to the gut from my younger days. You know when you watch a boxing match and a boxer gets punched behind the ear or in the temple in the first round and he gets knocked down and gets up off the canvas and he continues to fight but, because of that punch in the first round, he lost his equilibrium a bit and he never really fully recovers throughout a 10 round match? Yeah, that's kind what I am talking about in my situation.

[@websurfer5772]

I'm always saying to myself, "I'm down for the count."

[@freywatson752]

I can relate

[@dannomusic47]

Well said.

[@elizabethshannon24]

"How do you be a friend, how do you do that? I don't know". Exactly!

[@noracoyle4988]

I get you. I'm 66 never married my life has bin incredibly lonely. Got punched in the gut in my childhood.

[@senselessDesires666]

Her hands held me gently from the day I took my first breath. Her hands helped to guide me as took my first step. Her hands held me close when the tears would start to fall. Her hands were quick to show me that she would take care of it all. ❤❤what i wanted all my life❤❤

[@Bronte866]

You are describing God, not a mother.

[@MsKariSmith]

At 71 years, I have to say I have had a lifetime of loniness. I am now in the 3rd year of....realizing what my narc. mom did to my life. There is so much to absorb, then grieve then finally get some peace.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

I have no doubt that environment contributed to me being a loner to this day.

[@m.f.richardson1602]

I don't feel lonliness. I feel safe.

[@princessak21]

I feel safe and happy now

[@9000ck]

I know this happened to me, but I feel it is too late to change. I also don't like people very much.

[@yamlwoz]

The main reason I feel so lonely is because my mother has everyone completely fooled. Hardly a day passes where I don't have someone in her retirement village tell me how sweet she is, or how lucky I am. I can't say a word because nobody would believe me. It's heartbreaking 😢

[@natasjaverhofstadt6854]

Gaslichting

[@yamlwoz]

@natasjaverhofstadt6854 that's so true. I hadn't thought of it that way. The laugh is that she's accused my Dad of doing that (on only one occasion), with incredible horror and shock in her voice. She's a piece of work, as the saying goes.

[@AbXy-rg2th]

i've finally realised it's normal not to want to being here anymore

[@websurfer5772]

I think so. I've read and watched thousands of non-religious, near-death experiences and almost everybody doesn't want to have to come back here, even if they just gave birth, or have small children. That tells me alot.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@eternal7346 If you escape your body in that manner a demon will possess it and you will be trapped in hades (hell). I wouldn't advise it.

[@rupinderh01]

where did you read that about learning enough (to go in the akashic records) so you dont need to come back to earth? thank you@eternal7346

[@linhuang5267]

Jerry, you are the first one I heard from talking about narc parents isolate their kids from extended family. That was one of the most confusing parts in my childhood. Thank you for pointing it out!

[@websurfer5772]

My entire family made sure to smear me real good to all our relatives. I have no family other than my spouse now.

[@TaShaBeNz85]

Same… my parents would take my siblings and their friends and bf/gfs on trips to see our family in another state…and leave me bc they were embarrassed by me. That kind of stuff was so hard to deal with in my younger years..hugs❤

[@websurfer5772]

@@TaShaBeNz85 I'm so sorry to hear that. Hugs back.

[@carolnahigian9518]

Allmy family: nuts! from age 4 Iwas in charge if Moms EMOTIONAL LIFE: she was a NeedyEmpty; Raging Void! ouch

[@squreshi8413]

Me toooooooo

[@paulczubryt8644]

My dad is - I believe - a narcissist. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home, and it can all be caused by my dad. He's done so much damage and I feel like I've been ruined. I've struggled so much with loneliness and relationships. I don't know if I've ever had a truly loving, non-toxic relationship. I just want so much to be loved.

[@etaokha4164]

Growing up I was never allowed to have friends, make friends, play, go visit Friends and I was never allowed to be myself. As an adult am raising my kids in a healthy way as I was the scapegoat who escaped

[@christabelleblue9901]

Same here, however I was rebellious because I realised if I didn't disobey I would never get to do anything. So I would lie and sneak around... I was beaten for it many times but it was worth it! I left home at 15, was dragged back (literally), but eventually left for good just before my 18th birthday

[@Bronte866]

I would like to hear from your kids.

[@heifie2540]

Same here. I was an empathic child and teen but my mother destroyed all my friendships with telling lies. As a young adult I had to hide my first friend because I knew her reaction. I was never allowed to be happy. Not only she destroyed reletionships but also things I liked.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

​@@christabelleblue9901I used to lie and sneak around as a teenager as well!

[@dottyp137]

Self soothe? I wasn’t allowed to cry as a child and if I did I would get the cr*p kicked out of me. I wasn’t allowed to laugh either. I remember my first day at school another little girl came into the classroom screaming her head off and her mother came in behind her and said she doesn’t want pigtails…. I was so confused because a) she dared to cry in front of her mum and b) her mum was smiling I can relate to this topic I felt painfully alone and afraid as a child. I just wanted someone to hold me but it never happened. It’s a difficult thing to deal with as an adult. The only thing I know what to be in relationships is a servant. Even the dogs every whim is more important than my basic needs…. The guilt I feel if I don’t do what people/animals want is unreal Thank you for the video 🙏🏻

[@reesedaniel5835]

We are the Cinderella's of the world.

[@noshame5791]

Woah. I felt this.

[@naazahs9045]

Oh jeez ! I feel so so sorry that you had to go through this and what it did to you. Why do people inflict such cruelty on their own children, their own flesh and blood. Why ?

[@dottyp137]

@@naazahs9045 Because they went through worse. Adults still trying to get their childhood needs met. My mother went through a lot in her life. She wanted to be good she just couldn’t handle her emotions and tbf to her she had my extremely selfish and manipulative stepfather to contend with on top of everything else. He would gamble all the money away and leave all the responsibility to her. He was the real monster in the equation. Despite everything she was lovable 🤷‍♀️. Take care x

[@ColdBaltBlue]

For me, the realization wasn’t that there were parents unlike my dad, but that I didn’t deserve to be treated with kindness because I was doing something wrong while the other children had valid complaints.

[@ZombieWoOgumz]

I'm 29 years old and have dedicated the last 9-8 years of my life to heal from a narcissistic father. I've gone no-contact with him for two years, and according to what my sibling has told me, he just sits there waiting for us to come back and take contact with him because he doesn't understand why we don't talk to him. I can relate to every single thing you said. He mistreated us and belittled us during my whole childhood and to this day I have a hard time finding partners and feeling love. I have friends, but I'm scared to reach out and connect to the majority of them in fear of being a nuisance to them. But I've started to learn that that's not the case and I'm starting to gain some healthy and deep connections with people now.

[@nuevesc]

I'm very glad to hear that you're making progress

[@claussorensen4269]

Yes this really hits home. Relationships are difficult and uncomfortable. The self doubt and insecurity are ever present. I'm 69 and have been sober for almost 20 years and I still struggle.

[@senselessDesires666]

yeah ...😰its ha rd for me too look back on my life and not feel like it's been a selfish waste...yet thw past is over...renewal and revival is possible..if we are willing to let go of the past completely...and be the best versions of ourselves in the now..also completely... kzbin.info/www/bejne/f3vddZyvib6Ad5I

[@Brummiebythesea]

I feel the same. Very well said I’m trying to stop drinking this year did 3 months now I’m back to week 1 as I drank on dads 1 st year death anniversary but I will keep going and my mom is the narc. I feel the same as you I’m 54 ❤

[@claussorensen4269]

Drinking doesn't help, it important to remember that, life is very difficult.

[@deborahmiller3455]

@@claussorensen4269 Alcoholism does not work, but an occasional well placed/earned drink...Relaxing!

[@thenativist7625]

@@deborahmiller3455alcoholics can’t just have one. It’s a terrible disease. I’m been trying to stop since I was 13 years old.

[@somo2142]

Point 7. Isolation from supportive relationships really stood out for me because when I was a child I always wondered why my parents never wanted to have friends with children. I remember christmases and birthdays where I was sat quietly around adults enjoying themselves but I felt so invisible. This did nothing for my social skills at a young age. I would later as a teen often get criticised by my parents for not having enough friends and hobbies but I never learned how. The only kids I was ever around were those I went to school with who I’d been bullied by. I was a very stressed and very isolated child but didn’t know that until I needed therapy for internalised emotions and severe anxiety. Thanks for these videos they shine a light on and explain a lot. All of these points describe my childhood and ongoing family dynamic (I’m in my 40s). Point 7 was something I was aware of but never understood why.

[@irinamladenoska7539]

I am on this road. I am a child of a narcissistic mother and an alcoholic father. I am the only child. Previously golden child, now a scapegoat. In a process of divorce from a narc husband. I was parentified as well.

[@GodiscomingBhappy]

lack of emotional resilience..... i think this could come from adrenal fatigue, lack of magnesium, zinc, copper..... so much stress for such a long period of time damages our bodies. i was born alone, grew up practically alone and frankly death is a path we all walk alone....sometimes alone is better than with certain people around

[@jesussson3467]

dealing with this nonsense is a major headache, i was looking for answers for decades until i got my answer... you are absolutely right

[@user-he6pd1nw1t]

This explains the profound feelings of loneliness, even now in my '60s.

[@annaburns2865]

Yet people still say, “Loneliness is a choice.” Actually it’s a disease brought on by narcissists. Most children of narcissistic parents feel neglected. However, I technically never did. When I got Baker acted, I had a “weekend” doctor on Saturday, which was pretty much the only real doctor I saw, even though I only saw him one time. He asked me to talk about my childhood. I explained how verbally abusive my dad was. Even though I didn’t know the term for it back then. I got to the point where I would withdraw in my room to get away from it. Therefore I never felt neglected because I actually ENJOYED being neglected. It was way better than dealing with the verbal abuse. Also, my mom would never let me have friends like my brothers got to have. It took me 30 years to realize that she was just as bad as my dad. Actually she is worse.

[@whatevers9055]

I had some friends in HS and my narc father (and also my mom...) got so angry at me, they never liked when I had more than 1 friend over at a time, and got really angry at my male friend even though he had no romantic interest in me or others in the group, he was just goofy and had pretty hair. My narc father started calling my female friend a lesbian even though she wasn't one. It was so scary and weird. The part that really baffled me is how they treated me during that time, like I was evil or something just because I had normal teenage friends. They even read my journal. I was so confused. I stopped venting my feelings as freely after this and honestly, I think it really affected my mental health. Now I understand it was my father's issues, and he was wrong, I wasn't doing anything wrong, and they handled the "situation" badly. I mean, I already knew that, but now I know it's because narcissists don't want you to have friends and create connections, actually, even though this is a normal part of life. They see everyone else as enemies, I guess? This sucks!

[@ari-jv]

My mom was the same way. She acted like I was evil cuz I wanted to have friends. I only had 2 friends in high school. And we barely hung out. One time I went to the mall with one of my friends and my mom followed me and her around the whole time but my friend didn’t notice It was sooo creepy. I then realized my mother did this cuz she wanted to make sure I wasn’t w a boy. She also called my friend a lesbian

[@carolnahigian9518]

my Parents EACH scored 100% on every red Flag Dr Wise said!!

[@kingkazma3246]

When I was a kid I knew something was wrong, usually blaming myself, because the narcissist seems to act perfectly. If they're religious they're even more dangerous! Because they accuse you of sinning or having the devil inside if you defy them! 😢

[@こなた-m1o]

THIS. they absolutely use religion as a weapon.

[@janetiscute77]

Amen. I have so much self doubt, I need a tanker truck to store it. After work, I avoid both parents for at least 2 hrs once I get off. I want to avoid my mom's incessant criticism and my dad's inability to shield me from it. She controls everyone, all the time.

[@gingermaynor495]

Thank you Jerry Wise. Not only did parents not respect boundaries, but they taught not have them. You feel lonely because nobody even knows who you are. You feel invisible because you are not acknowledged unless you are playing out the role they need of you. Unfortunately, you can internalize this negative shame, etc., and it can become self-hate. You can turn to self-harm or substance abuse as a method to cope. The havoc created by parents can be enormous. I am No Contact with my FOO, and I believe I literally saved my own life by cutting them off. I believe the loneliness is not from lack of people around me, but rather a state of acceptance and worth in my mind and in my heart. Heaven bless all who travel the road to recovery and those who help them such as Jerry Wise. Thank you.

[@monicaperez2843]

My parents were toxic alcoholics and my three brothers and half brother were sociopaths and alcoholics. Growing up, I would be friends with children younger and older than me, but never my own age. Also, my mother wanted me to take care of her my whole life, saying that was the job of daughters and that sons take care of their mother-in-laws.

[@WhiteRabbitProphecies]

I call BULL SHIT and a free slave but a nice try. Tell her I said 25 years working Psychiatric and I think she needs a good Psychiatrist.

[@lovetodaylisa3967]

My dad would wake us up every morning at 6 am calling it a "family meeting" but it was him talking for hours on end. It was boring and torture for me to wake up so early to listen to him prattle on about bullshit.

[@ccalexander1924]

What did he have to say at 6 am that couldn’t wait until dinner time. That is crazy

[@boop79]

I’ve felt deep loneliness ever since I was 6. Took me a long time to realize why I always felt such an emptiness and sadness. Great video

[@SketchCraftRepeat]

You said in the video narcissistic households don’t teach you to self soothe. I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks since i was a small child. I have toxic stress as an adult and have a very hard time with constant anxiety. I always have struggled with feeling different and alone. Not able to connect with people my own age, etc. We were definitely isolated in a lot of different ways. Having healthy relationships sabotaged to keep us more controllable. The list goes on. Only now at 27 am i learning what all of this is and why my family is the way it is. Why I have such a hard time. I definitely feel like i have C-PTSD from narcissistic abuse growing up.

[@Rrashestone]

My parents didn’t encourage us to have friends and my mother often bad mouthed all extended family including her own siblings. They created this us versus them mentality and made it seems like the only safe haven was “home”. The home however was emotionally unsafe so I retracted into my shell but I always put on a front that everything was ok. In my last years of high school I started having constant breakdowns (obviously in private) and I didn’t know why. I have been working on myself ever since then and I could never really figure out what I felt and why I felt the way I did in those moment . This video gave me the understanding that I had been craving do so long. Thank you. ❤

[@nightnurse7777]

This is exactly how I grew up. My parents kept me isolated from other kids and extended family members. I remember my mother making me stay home from the christian school I went to and my chosen church at times because she knew I enjoyed them too much and it would isolate me and make me suffer. My parents were viciously critical of everyone. I dealt with a lot of low self-esteem, self-doubt, loneliness, and even self-loathing. I never had close friends as an adult, had difficulty communicating, and I wondered why I was so mentally damaged. Thanks to videos like this, now I know. I only recently realized that narcissistic parents cause traits in their children that some others may mistake them as being on the autism spectrum.

[@limelightraver5690]

“There’s a grief that can’t be spoken, there’s a pain goes on and on.” - Les Misérables

[@dark_fire_ice]

Imagine how fun it was being raised by a narcissist mother, as someone with ADHD, and ASD. After this video, it makes sense why a developed schizoid-schizophrenic complex

[@jlovesj3335]

Same!!!!!

[@cristinagonzalez6591]

Same!

[@divinefemininevibehigh6011]

This makes my inners cry so much.

[@greenleaf1635]

I believe that I'm also a victim of narcissistic abuse and when I tried to express my issues to others even like my doctor I only got blamed for it myself like if everything going wrong in my life was just my own fault. I really don't like being a victim, so I really don't dare to ask for help anymore as well. People only keep hammering on that I should respect my parents.

[@NikkiC777]

I think that is because many people with normal parents, just can't imagine how awful some of the crappy parents are. So they think people venting about their awful parents are just being disrespectful, or exaggerating. Even though they usually aren't exaggerating at all actually. Quite the opposite really, I think most people tend to omit a lot of the terrible things their crappy parents did.

[@deborahmiller3455]

You found help. This open discussion is help. We need each other. Late in coming, as we are just unwrapping this trauma, and discovering how BIG our group really is. Narc is a relatively new discovery. CPTSD is another key/but newly discovered part of this sick as well. I finally beat the depression, only to realize I also need to deal with CPTSD! Both are sicknesses that take years to a lifetime to cure, if you find the right help. So hard to meet this reality head on.

[@melinarodriguez8395]

And this is typical of our very individualistic culture, everything is one's own fault and responsibility. I too am afraid to even talk about what I've been through and often feel guilty that I haven't been able to overcome it.

[@greenleaf1635]

I'm sorry to hear and I hope you will overcome your struggles but you are right though I believe, there is no sense of community anymore in our societies. Everything is about success and money and it's exhausting our soul.@@melinarodriguez8395

[@VintageQuirky-ql4hc]

I had two narcissistic parents who both worked and I was frequently left alone or with sitters who ignored me. I did learn to self sooth because that was the only option . I love solitude and don't get lonely. I don't know how to make or keep friends and I am surprised when someone actually wants to be my friend. I always assumed this was because we moved a lot but now I see that was only part of the equation. I can also see how modeling what I was exposed to as a child is part if the problem. I

[@MichelleMM-e8j]

Thank you, Jerry. I still have a long way to go at 61 years old to be finally free. 😢😢

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

"being an adult for an adult"- powerful and true.

[@reesedaniel5835]

When you are a child, they shame you for not behaving like an adult. When you are an adult, they treat you like a child and remind you of all the mistakes you made 20+ years ago (when you were a child being neglected and abused by THEM).

[@mercyme8014]

The ‘no win’ paradox of having a narc parent: Damned if you are a child, damed if you’re an adult. Just damned period. 🤣

[@HB-sd1nc]

This helps me so much. Nobody understands me when I tell them how I feel. This video is spot on.

[@websurfer5772]

I wonder how many of them are in denial about their own upbringing. Not that you should be the one to try to wake them up, I'm not advising you to do that. But I'm beginning to wonder, just how many people are actually emotionally healthy out there?

[@CaseyDavies-od7ir]

​@websurfer5772 not many from my experience, most people are emotionally immature

[@websurfer5772]

@@CaseyDavies-od7ir Yeah, and that's been shocking for me to learn as an adult.

[@3nrika]

Indeed I never felt so much loneliness as when I was living with my narcissistic parents, that was in spite of being in and out of relations all the time and interacting with all kinds of people. These days it's just me and it's fine. My take-away is that blurry boundaries make us feel unseen and therefore lonely, not so much the lack of company. I learned from you Jerry that we need a self to begin with in order to gain self-functions. Not sure exactly what the opposite of loneliness would be, but perhaps self-assuredness, a function of self, and seeing myself more clearly has overcome my loneliness a great deal. Appreciate your guidance. All the best,

[@aldrogo7510]

I can relate. My mom probably meant well but put crushing pressure on me to get good grades. I always felt like I had to do something to be "worthy" of friendship like excel at a sport, buy other people drinks, make people laugh constantly, etc. I would often resent friends and over time do something to sabotage the friendship. I struggled with dating for years (I'm a straight male) and would always convince myself whatever girl I was interested in was too good for me and end up pushing her away. I'm doing a lot of soul searching now because now I have a high paying but very stressful job and work long hours. I don't say this to brag - I feel like if I took a lower paying job with better work-life balance my friends and family would think less of me and this makes me resent them- even though this may not be the case. I'm a pretty simple person and don't really care about luxuries, travel etc.

[@irksomecodger9667]

You are literally me, holy shit. I, however, made the trade off and switched to a lower paying but less stressful job. Fuck trying to impress others and live your life.

[@こなた-m1o]

@@irksomecodger9667you’re an inspiration. best of luck to both of you

[@patrickglaser1560]

I like that you give some advice instead of just describe the symptoms

[@lovesings2us]

Thank you, Jerry! I needed this. You took the shame out of my loneliness and sparked my self-compassion.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

It seems like I wasn’t really lonely or sad until they told me I was. My mother was like this perpetual “poor you” machine. It was sometimes loneliness and other times it was like bemoaning my lack of capabilities or circumstances. It took me ages to actually see how she was always stoking that self pity fire in me. Now it is blatantly obvious to me how she comes around and tries to set that up. I think now I just feel lonely from time to time Bcuz I feel like a lot of people really don’t understand what I have basically had to learn myself for my own survival. I do feel alone in that (sad fact of narc abuse) but as far as overall, it’s all relative ya know. As I go forward, I realize how I can better frame my perspective or vantage point. Finding gratitude has played a huge role in keeping all those self pity demons at bay, whether this is loneliness or any of the other stuff. Solitude has also become quite a great companion to me. Who knew? Lol.

[@lisawanderess]

Your mother sounds exactly like my mother! Always telling the “tragic” story of my circumstances to anyone who will listen and I still can’t work out what she gets from this but for me it feels like a lifetime of focusing on what’s “broken” about me rather than celebrating my strengths!

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

@@lisawanderess It is pretty sucky isn’t it? The more I examine things, the more I think she’s got covert narc traits. Envy. Competing. All the things they typically do. I think by now tho she makes me the “identified patient” and it seems very Munchausen like. Infantilization. Tries to control with money. Sabotage at times. And she likes for others to see me as pathetic. A loser of sorts. (Aka “can’t make it without her help”). She plays the role of saint, caretaker. “Nice.” And she does all this way under the radar. As far as why I guess I can only speculate tho. What I suspect. Seems like she has envy and doesn’t want me outshining her. Is never happy for me and rains on my parades. She also flips her own mirror onto me. She’s the pathetic one and the one who thinks she can’t live without me (or alone) and insecure and she tries to put that on me. “Loving caretaker” is only a role she plays. Her mask. What she really is tho isn’t at all loving. Wants me as her hostage and supply forever. Of course I’m not going to let her chain me for life eh? That’s why I’m all up in places like this. I finally told my one aunt like hey. Really? This is such bs. But anyways. Not saying anyone else’s mom is the same things but def I think if everything was fine then none of us would be here working on all this stuff. ☺️ Recently tho it just kind of hit me that infantilization is some serious stuff. Bcuz a “forever child” can’t ever self differentiate. It’s tricky Bcuz I have to keep reminding myself that she doesn’t do these things from an innocent place. (Such as how she plays dumb or gullible or like some pretend enabler etc). Innocent is only what she pretends to be. So insidious. It’s like my whole life with her has been a total gaslighting fest. But yah. It’s what I see that most nobody else sees as she often will say she’s for me. Wants me to go be an independent adult etc. Loves me. Etc etc. One lady put it so well. She isn’t really concerned about me. What she is so concerned about is holding onto what she needs for herself FROM me. And while some parents struggle to “let go” I def think what she is goes way beyond just that…And Bcuz a “nice” hostage taker is still a hostage taker.

[@mariecait]

Thank you Jerry. I’ve been lonely since birth it seems. I’m catholic so I figure it’s because this is not my home. Heavens home. Loneliness is natural on a planet where we’re just passing by. Still the best part of life no doubt is connections. Even having someone like a comment fills me with joy because I finally feel seen which I’m not at home. Quite the opposite. 😢

[@HANZELVANDERLAAY]

Ha..I doubt you'll be lonely for long..your quite... beautiful...I imagine inside and out

[@joanndeck4315]

You’re words brought me to tears 😢…I feel the SAME way, and so do many others it appears….you’re not alone even if you feel lonely…

[@walkingrace1233]

Yes, this is not my home, heaven is home. When one becomes detached from the things of this world, it is truly the road less traveled. Sadly for many, they believe this world, this life is the be-all-end-all. Thanks for sharing.

[@valerieteahan-tebby2440]

Because of my childhood things that I have gone through suffering, and I still suffer but through that it has drawn me closer to God @@walkingrace1233 I see the world, how it is, I have a longing to go home. Not to be part of this world My suffering is a gift to help me focus on my eternal life

[@marleenstukkien5384]

I too do believe in "not being of this world", but I also believe that the form of loneliness described in this video is not the same thing at all. Don't let anyone, even yourself, fool you into believing that that "not being of this earth" is formed by trauma endured on this earth. It is a safe bond with the other world, not a traumatic, hurtful bond with this one.

[@divinityeaster6610]

This brings up memories of my horrible childhood with a mother who didn’t meet my needs and waged wars with me. Thank you for the insight. I was there to serve my mother.

[@lillianbarker4292]

My narcissistic mom did want us to date, get married and have children. The exception was for my sister and I to marry someone rich. In my younger days I was terrified of the loneliness, living alone. I learned to live alone and then married. But loneliness is a way of life for me. I don’t feel bad about it anymore.

[@sandyhowell164]

I've been aware of these things for some time now but for years I didn't know why I had this "homesick" feeling at the end of each day around dusk.. thank you for validation. Thank u for sharing these videos help so many people "see".

[@Ekalb-r6d]

Oh yea.. that homesick feeling

[@sl-te2xh]

2 narcissistic parents...very rough..I am not like them, thank God. My parents took us away from our familly, Church, and community, which was so positive and normal....they isolated us and moved to a horrible place...everywhere was hell...this makes so much sense...

[@vhollund]

My father is covert narcissist and non religious but used unprovoked "this is my house you have to do what I say"

[@RonSafreed]

My narc. father, always was saying this is my house & I will do what I want to do here!! He even destroyed with a sledgehammer a motorboat & boat trailer my uncle gave to him as a gift, because he was not going to take the family boating or fishing, anytime, anywhere "period"!!!! His hobby was watching sports on tv & he told a group of people one time & I heard him!!

[@styracosaurusqvt4841]

My father said stuff like that.

[@cindimcreaken1260]

This is so true the part you said about the way the narcissist wants you to be and you acting the way I expect you too .. My ex husband was this way with our girls .

[@claredelamer7940]

I am an adoptee. This is how my adoptive 'parents' treated me. I developed a watchful, silent persona to survive - I think because I had an inner existence that was strong + they were not going to destroy that.

[@Ann-eb8dp]

The inner existence is very important

[@bennymoreira1443]

Thanks to my dysfunctional family and narcissistic father and borderline mother, I have unfortunately also developed a BPD/NPD personality disorder 😞.

[@ladyincityoflights6449]

Please get help and end the cycle. It is now conscious decision for you.

[@Ekalb-r6d]

Chin up cob... 42 divorced narc dad affair dead brother cancer deaths. No car no job living near homelessness on flick of a dime.happy alone

[@Help_im_sad]

I'm so happy this realization happened relatively early at 30 years old, and I fully realized that every single... Literally Every single family member I have is narcissistic. I always try to check myself too, because every narcissist started by being abused by one. So the cycle stops here. ❤

[@IdealSilver6224]

At the age of 21, thankfully noticed that I am still worthy like any other person that I'd thought I wasn't, detached from my parents mentally almost completely, overcame my GAD, OCD, and PTSD, just being financial independent left. You're worthy too, guys and sirs, listen to your inner voice more and just say what's in you. (I recommend Jordan Peterson's lectures on how telling the truth only affects and heals person from many traumas)

[@hishealer]

My first healthy relationship was my marriage, after some counseling. My mom got so threatened, she tried to convince me he was cheating, "because he can." Zero actual proof. That was my wake-up call. She panicked so hard, she started trying to groom my cousin to be her next enabler. She was already a teen, so that didn't work. After years NC, I am finally starting to trust myself. Learning to be a friend seems like a fantasy, but a healthy marriage once was, so who knows?

[@TribeOfGaia]

Deep rooted loneliness😞 finally someone giving words to this feeling. It’s even more familiar than my image in the mirror. It’s intense and sometimes overtaking all. I’ve often searched the internet, but never found something about this subject. Thank you for posting🙏🏼

[@Marella2024]

My father is a narcissist & I have been through all the stages of narcissistic abuse with him over and over again until I put and end to it by pretty much going no contact. When I do have to interact with him, then I go gray rock. Stages of Narcissistic Abuse: Golden child, the scapegoat, discarded, hoovered, then here comes the smear campaign when I don't fall for the hoovering anymore. I finally understand that this cycle since childhood has left me in so much pain and confusion. It was like I was just a prop in his delusional world, and when I strived to break free from codependency he took that as a betrayal. I've come a long way from dealing with that abuse, but no matter what I do the pain of loneliness still lingers. It's like in the foundation of who I am and cannot be undone. 😔

[@victoryamartin9773]

Very insightful. Thanks for your share.

[@joanndeck4315]

😢😢….I have the same type of father. It’s heart wrenching when one realizes they are not capable of “love”….although this realization does set you “free” from feeling “crazy”…the eternal loneliness is indeed the hardest emotion to shake off….

[@Marella2024]

@@joanndeck4315 Yes!! You are so right about the feeling of freedom once their true nature is accepted and realized. Many blessings to you. 🙏🏼💕

[@Marella2024]

@@victoryamartin9773 Thank you & your welcome. Many blessings. 🙏🏼💕

[@Ekalb-r6d]

I feel that... like its never going to resolve

[@xenatron9056]

Thankyou Jerry for such a thought provoking video. I have always felt that my life was like window shopping. I could see everything and what people had in their lives and the benefits but like a window shopper I can't access it, I have come to the point now that I realise just how twisting this can be to ones self image and the basis from which you launch your world from. Never worthy, but always wondering what people actually did to make it reality. Of course I delegated people to always being better than me, that is why, because I am fundamentally faulty... told to me since I was 4. The nuns prophecies about me came true..."She will never amount to anything", but did nothing when I wandered in the schoolground for two years without a single friend, developing anorexia and being punished both at school and at home for throwing my lunch in the bin. I was only 7. Many times I can see that it is like a big institution where people learn how to play their games and manipulate. Now I am approaching my latter life, in spite of the dull ache I still feel knowing that I was never wanted or included in any meaningful way in others lives, I am letting it all fall away. I never really had anything to lose except fantasies and meaningless seasonal friendships......but now I am respecting myself for making it through and at least still wanting to be kind. Even now, still, I am alone. It is bitter sweet.

[@posingadult9633]

💟

[@cyndeetaylor]

Window shopping. You just described my life. I'm weeping, something I rarely allow myself. I've always felt like I'm standing outside in the cold, looking in the windows of others' warm homes, wondering how they do it. A constant gnawing ache that I've never been able to escape.

[@websurfer5772]

@@cyndeetaylor Just remember that alot of what looks happy from the outside for others is an illusion.

[@Belevaqua]

I am sending you lots of love. Lots of beautiful,sparkling hearts✨💖✨💖✨💖✨💖✨💖✨💖✨. We are a group of Gods angels.

[@websurfer5772]

@@Belevaqua Those heart emojis are pink when I click on your message, but in the message box before I click on it, they're red, and they look even cooler. And I was like, 'Where did she get the red, sparkly hearts? Those are so pretty." I've never noticed that before. Plus the sparkles are blue, pink, and gold. Your message is really nice too, but I just had to point out about the emojis because that's so neat.

[@elliewegman1846]

I'm so glad I came across you. Im in therapy, and have watched and appreciated many pods on narcissisim, but I think it was the accuracy of yours that really spoke to me. Im 73, alone. Lonely? Probably. Haven't known any different. The nicer people are, the more I run. No trust or faith in myself to screw it up or not, best just the memory there are nice people out there is uplifting.

[@marjo-riittareinikainen9740]

During my teenage years, when my parents got divorced, I ended up to live with my narcissistic mother who tried to stole my friends. Those very few ones! I have felt loneliness all my life.

[@illssolution5720]

The truth of me WAS the reason for the abuse/abandonment/exclusion so, as a little person, my strategy was to NEVER be seen/known - always ACT/SCRIPT as THEM and their ways, rules, and requirements. Add to that I NEVER had intimate relatining/relationships with my family so I don't have those skills. Therefore..... NEVER have had real, authentic, involved relationships even though my #2 goal/focus/reason for all things wasl TO GET Loved and belong. Never did.

[@bilbobaggins4403]

You can't know thus till you're older because your parents are your gods till you're older.

[@biadrum]

I'm 27 and still struggle with self worth. I also look younger, some people don't think I'm an adult and that only adds salt to the injury. I'm Brazilian and looking young is a social desire around here but I couldn't care less, I just want to be seen for who I am.

[@vvoveraite]

Now I know why I cry so much from this intense loneliness although theoretically everything seems ok

[@louisecampbell2628]

Same here. Everyday😢😢

[@TYGZus777]

My therapist introduced me to Self-Havening. I have a hard time remembering to use it, but when I do, I find it very satisfying.

[@Laura-cw5ek]

I grew up in an alcoholic family and from a very young age I acted as the adult of the family. I practically raised myself. I also became invisible. I tried to bother my parents as little as possible because they had no time for me, alcohol was more important. Loneliness is a very familiar feeling for me. As a teenager, my best friend was my dog. Now as an adult, I suffer from hyper-independence. Still, I crave deep relationships. It's hard to find good friends as an adult, everyone already has a circle of good friends. I feel like I have to market myself to get a small part of their time. To me they are everything and to them I'm just another person among others.

[@kesbo3216]

I understand that this comment is old, but im currently in the same spot yet i still have my sweet dog. I can understand your pain and i am very sorry if you lost your pet i couldnt imagine losing a true companion like that

[@kaleyjoplinRAWRR]

Isolation from supportive relationships is definitely what I went through. I was not allowed to have friends over nor go to their houses. I remember whenever I made a friend, their parents would want to hang with mine but mine would always shut them down everytime. My parents didn’t even like me going to family withough them. I never understood that when I was young but now I totally get it. They absolutely did that because they didn’t want me to realize what was going on. They were also abusive too so they just didn’t want anyone to know about it.

[@こなた-m1o]

disgusting people. so sorry you went through that.

[@sophiareijne9873]

In my 20 ties I began to introduce the sentence by friends and therapists. That I there was happening emotional incest in my family. And that my family was ruled by a child dictator, that was supposed to be my father. Thank you so much for Resumating this deep rooted Loneliness of children and adults out of the Narcistic kind of Family. By Lots of Innerwork, I feel myself becoming younger and more Alive, Less Lonely, although becoming older in age. Despite of all the crises I went through while wishing, I wanted to quit everything in Life. Surviving by trying to stay open for Light and Love. ❤️🙏🌈