Narcissistic relationships: Trying to fix issues after the DAMAGE is done

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@youngblood8540]

You can't fix someone (narcissist) but you'll ruin your life trying.

[@BustedFlush7096]

Word

[@TheListOf]

And your mental and physical health.

[@laylakeket6279]

Oh definitely 😔

[@lorianttila9698]

Oh, but he will try to "fix you" because you are "the broken one".

[@jeremy19175]

​@@lorianttila9698which is manipulation trying to convince someone that your the broken one when it's them that are the broken ones you yourself will end up broken trying to fix them because you can't fix the unfixable

[@CS-iv8tk]

It just piles up until you realize it’s not fixable

[@user-cx2jj9sj2p]

This is what's happened to me, I haven't even got the energy to fix it

[@vb1816]

This sounds so familiar! I got engaged to my narcissistic abuser because I thought he couldn’t cope with ‘no’ or ‘we’re not there yet’. He was adopted and suffered from terrible abandonment issues, so acted out when he felt someone rejecting him. I decided to sacrifice myself to prove to him I wasn’t abandoning him as his birth mother did. When I knew he was cheating, I told myself he was trying to self-sabotage making my leaving a self-fulfilling prophecy. So I doubled down, proving I was strong enough to withstand his BS... While telling myself it would be okay when we got married, or it would be okay when we had kids, giving him blood relations. In the meantime, the abuse ramped up physically, sexually and psychologically. I became a shell of my former self, losing my confidence and self-esteem. I realised that being a martyr was not the answer, as bringing children into this dysfunctional situation would be the worst type of abuse, so I left. To this day I have never truly regained my confidence, never been able to commit to another real relationship, nor have I allowed myself to be a mother. 25 years on, I still suffer from the abuse that cut so deep. I never fixed it in post 😢

[@elizabethbettencourt1116]

This sounds a lot like my story! My heart goes out to you. Painful to accept. I'd love for Dr Ramani to speak about adoption as it relates to narcissism/psychopathy Take care of yourself love. We are free! Healing is an arduous process but worth it for ourselves. Xoxo ❤

[@matikramer9648]

Very sorry for you, but you just admitted to the truth. It is the first step. Believe me when I tell you, you escaped scaved, but I hope you don't have my mental disability... I know not all are equally strong, and situations and personalities differ. We are still many too. And 27 years ago I have heard of NPD nothing yet, and had already 6 kids, and didn't knew nothing of influence of dysfunctional families on their young... and was very naive, knowing of what's wrong and what's right either (real wrong and real right). Please, help yourself, and don't loose all hope for yourself either. My prayers and my blessings 🙏🍀🍀🍀🍀for you

[@aig2991]

🎶🎵🎵🎶"Baby if we tryyyyyyy, things will get betteeeeeerrrr"🎵🎶 Song reference: "Something in my heart" By Michel'le

[@joeprimal2044]

Good job dealing with that. You did the best you knew how at the time, faced the truth when you finally saw it and toughed your way through it and did what needed to be done. Most people don’t manage that, they just get crushed.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Wow, if you can see all of that, you've actually done a lot more healing than you might realize. I'm inspired! As Dr. Ramani would of course recommend, therapy. I tell everyone these videos are the next best thing to therapy.

[@yukio_saito]

It was already broken from the beginning. They didn't reveal it until the moment you realized how it was. You're not responsible for fixing it.

[@Charlie-bc6yg]

Listen to this, everyone. She explained it perfectly. I've been in an abusive marriage for 23 years with someone I'm certain is a really bad kind of narcissist. I'm just now finding my way out. I remember the first time the abuse happened. I should have been a clear indicator for what was to come. It wasn't. These people are monsters. Get away as soon as you can. Much love, y'all.

[@user-pj1mz1on3q]

You are not alone! I did about 25 years with a very mean malignant narcissist. I had my own reasons for staying and I have no regrets for doing so. What a complex subject this is! I feel for the victims of abuse and I partly feel for the abusers to a certain extent. You can feel the pain in the person with NPD when they say nobody loves them, (they don't know why). When they know that their past behaviour was shown to be wrong but they still don't know why it was wrong! It's sad that people with severe NPD probably can't be fixed "POST"! I have faith that people on the lower end of the NPD spectrum can be made aware and possibly make changes to better their relationships and get closer to a feeling of well-being for themselves and others close to them! 🙏

[@carriemccurley-th8gn]

One of the best things I heard in dealing with this, "You can't counsel no demon, you must cast it out!".

[@lindac6919]

Like the line I read once: "You can't educate scum. It just stays scum."

[@jude1987]

I or she need an exorcism

[@LSMH528Hz]

Was this in a Harry Potter movie ?

[@carriemccurley-th8gn]

@@LSMH528Hz I think it was a pastor I heard on YT once, but it stuck with me.🤣

[@noormohamed2991]

Once the sanctity of the relationship is broken 💔 it's virtually impossible to fix it😢! ! It feels contaminated and it can never be the same 😢

[@BearfootBob]

I could swear Dr. Ramani is psychic with her timeliness. As a sound guy, you can re-balance good recordings in post, yes, in those cases the live mix was bad but the channel recordings were good. But you can't really fix a bad recording in post. No amount of processing or declipping or even AI can restore what isn't there. It just becomes band-aid upon band-aid ad infinitum.

[@HopelessAutistic]

I’m a lousy sound guy… so I keep my gains so low because if the gain is so “hot” it’s too distorted, I could crank it up in post if it’s too quiet.

[@ktbiwk]

Well said: "What isn't there" 💯 = this analogy works with photography, or if you think of recording actual film movies. You can't create light that wasn't there. You can burn and dodge the image to alter it, but you can never create what just isn't there.❤

[@goldbrick2563]

As a fellow professional, i can attest it will never be as good as it could be. It will only ever be adequate and maybe thats good enough sometimes...and for some people it is, but i feel its because theyve never had the experience of hearing or seeing the best or thinking its not possible to attain or achieve that precision or customization

[@brightbite]

Don't fall for the religious version of "fixing it in post," either: "Well, God can change him/her."

[@DzsM-rz7gu]

Especially that this statement is not in the Bible,nor in other religion holy books.God seperated the light from the darkness or created more soulplanets for the souls.After the time of the devil,the harrasments, guilt,fakeness,brainplays by bad forces what we shall take as probes by God or spiritual journey to higher consciousness at the end everyone gets what it deserves.Bad forces are left behind.

[@carriemccurley-th8gn]

THIS! The parable of the sower of good and bad seed was the first one Jesus taught. Last time I checked a seed can't be changed, but you will know it by its fruit.

[@thompsonlauren1004]

Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done [e-mail]

[@shainanash8518]

It is not my responsibility to fix the narcissist. I simply "no contact" with some and gray rock with others.

[@scooterwoodley195]

Let’s just get thru this new job adjustment. Let’s just get thru this postpartum stage. Let’s just get thru this hectic schedule. Let’s just get thru this perimenopausal period. Let’s just….

[@julieannemichelle]

I guess that’s why they hoover. I completely agree with you. I would never go back to that kind of abuse or any type of abuse again.

[@lindac6919]

Those of us who were reared by Narky parents... ...the only thing we CAN have is Post-production fixes.

[@cathytai]

Dr. Ramani, it occurred to me after watching this we CAN fix "in post " one thing.:We can fix our knowledge gap We can watch your videos, make sense of what happened, what was done to us and how it (in most cases, probably) harmed, damaged and distorted us. Then we can see more clearly and make better decisions going forward , including leaving the narcissist if possible. Now after having left, I am "in post production," cutting , splicing and healing whatever damage I can identify from enduring 5 years of gaslighting, bullying, walking on eggshells, and suffering actual physical abuse from the volatile , raging narcissist (I still have the photos to remind myself, should I ever start to question anything.) Now , in post , I can reject the damage, heal, find new joy, new meaning (which hasn't been easy until some recovery time had passed) and lovingly edit my life into a brighter, gentler, more life-affirming and coherent whole again. I do have two understanding, savvy and very good listeners/ friends who have helped tremendously, but honestly even they may not have had the tools except for your videos. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, yes you are helping. You are also saving lives. ❤️

[@nopereradicator]

Hard lesson learned. No more benefit of the doubt.

[@Greenwings701]

Wish I'd had this advice years ago. We think we can just be the cleanup crew rather than speak up or let others help us as we go. Doormat syndrome. It gets extended to relationships of all kinds.

[@janeloraine6231]

Oh my goodness, you really do look at the world through your narcissist awareness glasses all the time! While I appreciate it from the vantage point of someone benefiting from your eagle eye hypervigilance, it must be exhausting for you, dear Dr. Ramani. Thank you for flipping this behavior over so we can identify its underbelly and be cautious. You are a gem of great worth! 🧡

[@theyoutubeanalyst3731]

I think it's because she enjoys working on this, and she enjoys it with her heart, it's her passion 😊😊

[@janeloraine6231]

@@theyoutubeanalyst3731 I agree with you completely. We are the beneficiaries of her diligence. 🧡

[@csfiskus610]

I've been fed this myth about killing people with kindness and that you can change people's toxic and hostile behavior towards you if you get to know them better and regard them with empathy and respect. There was a time when I badly wanted to believe this was true.

[@beth7804]

Thank you 🙏. I'm thinking this is why early intervention regarding severe mental illness and lack of capacity is incredibly important as opposed to being exploited for entertainment and "science".

[@lydiaanderson824]

I fell into that trap for 25 years. It took another 5 years to safely leave.

[@triawillow7682]

Exactly where I'm at, almost thirty years in and I've been planning and saving for about five years, not yet no contact but your post gives me hope, thank you and congratulations on you big move💜🫂💜

[@lydiaanderson824]

@@triawillow7682 I’ve been out for almost 7 years. It took 2 of those years before I could go no contact. Keep it up, you will never regret taking the time to plan and strategize. Baby steps saved me and my son.

[@ericgavidia291]

This is the reason why it's so effed up when people say, "eventually the kids will learn the truth" implying that all the harm and irreparable damage their Covert Malignant Narcissistic mother has caused will eventually be ok.

[@matikramer9648]

No, no post production It is futile And it would be devoted effort and work entire few good generations, to try and fix that sh.. . " Resistance is futile ", unless you cary virus for narcissism.... PS I need an advice - how do you change deep seeded hatred for narcs to total indifference? Any tips?

[@a.b.2850]

For girls, they pretentiously say “the day you’ll become a mother yourself, you’ll finally understand, you’ll deeply regret every disrespectful thing you’ve said and done to me!”. Mine added “your kids will be terrible!! You’ll run crying to me, begging for my forgiveness and help the day they grow into the nasty lil’ teens, just like you were with me, and that day I will humiliate you and piss myself laugh at you while rocking myself in my chair… You kids will 100% make you pay by doing 10x worse than what you did to me, and I’ll be here for it! For the spectacle. You’ll feel incompetent because you are since you never listened to me, you’ll have no clue of what you’re doing and will end up fvcking them up both badly and making bums”. In other words, don’t you dare ask for my help when you’ll become a mom, I’ll be enjoying my retirement, and peacefully rocking myself, laughing at you, seeing you rushing to be a mom and fvcking them up cause you’ll be the worst mother ever”. She’s that nasty. Well, ‘mother’, fvck NO! She couldn’t have been more wrong 😂 I love my teens, love teens in general, I have my way with them where I’m strict but not asphyxiating, my kids are respected and I’m a respected parent. At 14 and 16 yo, they both still wish me good night and tell me they love me back. They say I’m the goat mom (took me time to figure that one out lol). I couldn’t be more proud of them. Sure they have challenges, they both have special needs (ASD/ADHD/..), one has Crohn’s disease, they’re a load, but they’re MY load, and I fvcking rock at parenting them. Here’s I said it!! Both work hard in school, they’re both very much invested in their education, and take it seriously, too seriously even at times, they’re mature for their age, have a good judgment, are empathetic, and they know they have a good mama that’ll always be there for them, a mama they trust enough to tell her the truth, however bad it is, they know that as long as they don’t lie to me, I am and will always be there for them, to support them, to help them, to protect and defend them. The day I held my first born in my arms and fell in love with him, is the day I realized I couldn’t even imagine myself doing 1/10th of the harm she did to me, I cried just thinking about it. Becoming a mother allowed me to understand the abuse I suffered and its severity, understand what they did wrong and the things they should’ve done but didn’t that have hurt and harmed me deeply in all possible ways, the unfair treatment compared to my older brother that was still undergoing as married adults, the unfairness even became obvious to my (ex) husband, and was extended to my brother and I’s kids.

[@ktbiwk]

Radical Acceptance. ​@matikramer9648 (look up Tara Brach's work). For Anger, Jack Kornfield "A Path With Heart," chapter called: "Naming your demons."

[@ktbiwk]

​@@matikramer9648a very intelligent observation ✔️ i.e., that it takes * generations* to correct 😢

[@ericgavidia291]

@@ktbiwk yes. That's exactly right! The notion of generational trauma is true! And... It's also true that he who is compliant in permitting evil to persist is also complicit. The buck stops here. Now. Take action NOW. Don't wait. Ramani is right, there's no such thing as "post edit".

[@lindac6919]

We need to give each other permission to LEAVE a relationship quickly. Like if you get married and you know it was a mistake on DAY ONE or DAY TEN or whatever - it should be OK to bail. None of this "give it time, you're not settled in" bullsh*t that family and friends give you. After all, if you get divorced or annulled or whatever...you can always get married again, later. And this time, they KNOW you'll enforce the boundary.

[@user-dy7iq5fy5n]

This is the most sane advice about marriage I have heard on social media. God wants us to iron things out before acting on our feelings, because there maybe deal breakers that was not discussed that will ruin everything to where you both just wasted you're time. Deal Breakers can not be handled in post.

[@doreenm8693]

Things don’t get fixed on post in a narc relationship, they only get worse.

[@Xenophanes198]

My experience is the gaslighting and manipulation intensifies. They not only continue to construct a fake reality for you to believe in but they become much more cold re: ghosting you, taking forever to get back to you, etc. It's a waste of time.

[@sharonl4872]

Love how your brain works. I know at times it might seem like a curse! But you help so many of us…thank you!

[@viviankirkham1677]

My person was smart enough to let me know the bits and pieces a little at a time. Later on, he even told me that he did that. Now, picking up my pieces is hard and hell.

[@juliemohn305]

After a few years of accepting I’d never have a relationship with my sister she bread crumbed (my fault) me into having hope again. I feel sick to my stomach watching this. As soon as I responded positively she began the discard. I worked very hard even after years of first hand experience to try again. She ignored, excluded & insulted me all in the short interaction. I wasn’t alone this time. What I mean by this is as soon as I recognized the pattern I pointed out almost exactly what she was going to do (what she’d done before) to the others she involved. That brought me a little peace knowing others can see she’s not a victim. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now. I’m grossed out with myself more than her for still being able to believe she’s anything but a shell, an actress, a narc.

[@HopelessAutistic]

lol as a former videotape editor - this made me smile! This catchphrase well known in the industry. However the deadline example is the narc sense is probably the reason why I’m not editing anymore or perhaps working with toxic people and editing in post at the same time is another challenge of unhappiness I’ve been working in the last couple of years.

[@goldbrick2563]

I feel you, for me it is competitive people that are a turnoff when working with a creative team. You have to find the people like you, people that are proud of their own gifts and don't envy others. Then it feels good and is fun to create something together. Not everyone needs to be a part of a team though. With things like youtube, people can create their own thing and do all the work themselves

[@HopelessAutistic]

@@goldbrick2563 _With things like youtube, people can create their own thing and do all the work themselves_ Just because they can doesn’t mean they should. I’ve had experience with one man bands and it’s not cool

[@ginkgo2021]

After ghastly devaluation and abrupt discard via divorce, which was followed by a cruel flying monkey smear campaign, my ex narc partner tried to “fix it in post” (or perhaps it was gaslighting). He said in the last email I received from him, “we had a good run.” We didn’t. He did. Fortunately, the timing of that email coincided with the finalization of the divorce and after the finalization, I was able to completely block him.

[@PenninkJacob]

Awesome!!! Thank you Thank you!!👍❤❤❤

[@anitaallen3163]

Absolutely brilliant all so so true talking from my own experience of narcissistic relationships friendships family members I have been listening to Dr ramana for many years she has educated me and again this video is very timely as a narcissistic is trying to get back in my life, not happening. thank you dr ramana

[@demian_SilentNoMore]

What a powerful comparison! Truth. ❤

[@esthergoldberg6407]

Its as tho u read my mind dear dear dr ramani ..thank you from the bottom of my broken heart!

[@Ariela-ApostolicA238]

❤You're brilliant❤

[@ytbillybob]

Doc, you are beautiful inside and out. After watching literally hundreds of videos about narcissism I finally found an expert!

[@aq5121]

It’s quite frightening to have a controlling sister with a vindictive mindset now have your elderly mother living worth her. I was off last week. She went on holidays, never told me and arranged with our SISTER IN LAW to mind mum while she was off. She would have created the impression that I had declined or was too awkward.

[@BustedFlush7096]

I’m sorry…😢

[@kimberleyhartley6631]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. What you have stated in this video is true, and very true of romantic relationships. Narcissists are so busy lovebombing you in the beginning that oftentimes clouds your sense of judgement rather than to slow down to see and hear what they are really saying in real time. Thus one is carried away into a time warp of what they want you to believe of them. They are controlling and want to dole out what they have to offer to the relationship if anything. The substance of the relationship is usually shallow and superficial. You are right, in post analysis the narcissistic relationship is way far out. It leaves one in limbo. Thank you and God bless you for your knowledge and expertise as to what occurs in these relationships. It really enlightens and reinforces to me what stable normal relationships are supposed to be.

[@lysaarvideo]

In ANY relationship - personal or professional - if there are problems in the beginning, it only gets worse down the line. If you hire a new guy/girl, you should be able to see the positive impact at work during the first or second work day. Similarly, if your new romantic partner is late for your first date he/she will be later for the second date and probably absent from the third.

[@mamabear090]

Oof. When distant mutual friends think it can be fixed in post. Post divorce, post physical attacks, post addiction damages. We would have to film a whole new production, and the leading man isn’t willing to come back to work.

[@roccocarbone7829]

You can be strong as a buffalo , the narcissist will consume you

[@remowilliams1459]

Sad but true 😢

[@noormohamed2991]

Excellent insight ❤! Thank YOU 🙏 xx

[@embrj1453]

What a timely video, i've being fixing in post for the longest and i don't think i can postpone the final production any longer, the editing is non ending .

[@MENTALHEALTHWITHLUKE]

@Dr Romani Thank you so much for these videos. Very eye-opening and educational.. I split with my ex 4 months ago just over 2 months no contact. I'm now going through something I've never experienced. It is what it is. I've decided to stop watching these videos. It's about me and my healing. The longer I watch, the longer it will take to heal. For those going through this, remain strong 💪🏻 believe in yourself. Give yourselves the love you wish to recieve from others, and remember, you fell in love with yourself. Thanks again. Happy healing 💙

[@user-uz8np4iv8g]

I hope you have the support you need to recover. In Midwifery, to new parents, we say, it takes a village to raise a child!! I found it difficult after moving on from my Narc, wondering why can't I help him Why am I not enough..... Without my village and especially Dr Ramani and her village, I would not be here today. I wish you well on your journey.

[@sanjaypaul9159]

I especially loved the timing of this clip, Dr. Ramani! It was exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you!

[@joannejohnson7006]

Thank you Dr Have a lovely rest of your weekend 😊

[@erhardtharris8727]

The opposite/reciprocal/passive/receiving of future faking. I like how all this connects & maps. We've all done it to some extent. But not to every extent without being pathological. Relative: Sunk Cost Fallacy. How far can you go to rescue a ship, before it becomes more cost than it's value yields in returns? In my early life it was being roped in to defending, fronting, preserving my family's ethos, even as my family was busy destroying itself and ignoring its own ethos. Then the crisis of rescuing a ship long sunk, all facets of my lifestyle. Cut and run - or stay and salvage: one falls behind either way. Cast adrift into completely new life without ready social narrative, fluency, efficiency, or skill set - and feeling/being optimistic about one's 'new life' yet stone cold and utterly disconnected from the old whatevers (?): that is what I was faced with. Either-Or, and Very Quickly (better be prepped!). OR try to spin the old into something new while still forming one's own vision and bearing... That is the trying path I took, out of momentum, uncertainty, and already-developed numbness, naivity, and skill-set for the situations I was born into. This question is important - because in the short term, we aren't in an era of prosperity where 'cut and run' is as feasible as it was in the times of recent broad-based security & prosperity. So, pessimistic and cautiously optimistic, I have a hunch that many people will be 'remaining' and dealing with old things for longer periods (perhaps getting lost in social media and one's own selection of local groups to manage). This can also be a good thing, aiding in maturity & recognition of patterns. But it can also prolong complex dealings with those who cohabit in WHATEVER building arrangement (or institutional, governmental, tribal, economic) in which one finds oneself. And, in a sense, world civilization in modern times is increasingly finding itself unable to simply 'cut and run' from old struggles between competing narratives. Find a new place to live? We are now entering a time when NEARLY everything is online - and tracking YOU down. So narcissist or not, enabler or ostrich or fiercely independent, one must face it, study it, outwit it, out-endure it, out-compete it. The question is (especially pertaining to political environment) HOW DOES one get distance from an aggressive economic regime? How does one understand and then frame distance, boundaries, responsibility, freedom? I was faced with (tackled by) ALL of these things before & ON my 19th birthday. I did not pass the test then. It was a combo of stuff that would have left any 40 year old befuddled & reeling as well. And it left me all alone, reeling inwardly, without ready-made cultural frame and nobody who would understand AND know the situation. For decades, I was left further behind (in maturing process) healing retroactively & restrospectively. Maybe I'll achieve a robust healthy normalcy in my 60's. At least now I know what is needed, what to appreciate, and how long the steps will be (time constraints). In modern society, we were duped by the cogs & microwaves & chairs-faced-forward. Just be seated, and presto, you will become mature. LIFE. Doesn't. Work. That. Way. Sure, you may find a niche specialty & spin that into profit that buys time for competency in other areas. But not if you aren't keenly aware of what is needed in those other areas, and how to appreciate & form your own niche specialty into something that makes monetary profit and respectable communication! Modern school ethos in the 20th century was usually un-practical for the individual, much less the well-rounded individual, much less the individual already struggling with a lifestyle and inner life already crippled by school-ish narcissists. My need for advancement was mirrored by an equally urgent & real need for escape and greater, more healthy context. And no schoolroom could fix that by teaching me deadening ideas related to darwinian/naturalistic determinism (or in today's world gender confusion distraction from practical career advancement). My family had been schoolish narcs (in religious AND secular AND family-triangulation contexts), hollow and immature, mostly impractical, with only some keen ideas. And the very institutional learning that I needed - is also the form that I needed to learn my ways out of as fast as possible. (Raising your hand in a schoolroom does not life-success make. Reading books alone and learning to dialogue about them? That may. But try teaching a nerdy student the difference between the two: even tho the difference is often that of collectivist impracticality & narcissism vs individual learning and interdependent respectful critique & sharing.)

[@cherrybacon3319]

I kept trying to fix something on my own without his help before I realised there was never going to be any fixing because then he wouldn't have got as good a supply. 🍒

[@NolaCaffey]

This is the best case for always using birth control if you can't keep your knees together, dear people! 🌷🕊

[@michelleleeschaeffer3482]

In a narcissist relationship when it goes to post, 99% of it gets redacted and that’s when all the gaslighting and projection comes in. It’s like “ I was there when they wrote the scripts and I read it out loud !” but now it’s completely censored from me, completely redacted and in most all cases the narcissist likes to rewrite the whole thing himself. They are “ The post editors!”

[@chacha-Ce83]

Twenty years post the post and I’m still struggling to be ok I’m 59 years old why

[@nenai.8526]

😢❤❤🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 I'm SO scared to be where you are... im in the post now.. all this talk of wanting to fix things now...but...its not really happening. I let go and I let God. I'm doing my best trying to maintain what sanity is left for the kids sake for now

[@samramajeed5315]

Dr Romani your background library is so beautiful I every often end up looking at it 😅❤

[@ChristianaBonelliSmith-mo1ox]

And this all happened last time I was in Vancouver Washington when my mom died. So there are some specific patterns here there's no doubt.

[@conversationswithcory3730]

I'm 1 week no contact but he still tries... Today i suffered really bad and almost reached out but then i remember how he made me feel and makes me feel. I'm still in our apt and put him out... He only moved 4mi away..... I can't sleep because of the crazy dreams... The flashbacks... And Everytime i walk out the door i think he's gonna be there so my flight out flight is still on high alert. When i sleep, if my roommate isn't here and I'm alone....i wake at any sound thinking it's him.....i have the worst nightmares about the physical fights.... He would beat me so bad that neighbors called the cops 4 times in one year.... Then turn around bloody and all and talk me into sex, is only do it because i knew that would calm him down. I've been so traumatized, I've never been in anything like this. I have to find a job which is tough right now for me because of my depression..... He left me with the bills knowing i only had enough saved for my portion....i had to get help from friends..... Then turned around and sold money..... The first day after he left i was a mess... He talked me into staying the night in his new place, got me boozed up and off course sex... Then proceeded to tell me that it was time to call his new guy and I'd have to be quiet............. I left, he got mad and i told him i didn't wanna hear him talking to his new guy. After that, it's been a week of no contact but he sends me a message everyday asking how i am.... Or a love song..... I'm afraid to block his number because i figure at least if i keep that line open, I'll at least know he's not stalking me... Out for proof of he tries some crazy mess.

[@Anne_W64]

That's exactly how I've thought about relationships. I always figured I'll cross bridges as I come to them. Sadly, two divorces later, here I am, trying to figure it out from a different angle.

[@heidik5109]

Thank you ~

[@RichLux713]

Love you

[@natalieforwood2651]

Thankyou.

[@PehlaDusra]

Please please help me 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 in this moral dilemma. My sister is trapped in a bad marriage with a narcissistic person. He doesn't give her any respect their family gets her to do chores like a maid even though she is pregnant. I have clearly told her that we will take you back home , just say the word. But she is just being dumb and cant think clearly. She knows she is miserable but she don't want to leave him. He gaslights her about her previous relationships and always puts her rown saying if you try to tell about him outside, he will tarnish her reputation spreading rumors. She hopes that he might change cz he sometimes behave with love back to like before marriage. We have clearly told her a person's true nature never changes, he might act like that for few days but then he is back to his abusive nature. I feel like I can't just take her away until at least she herself accepts that she needs to get away, otherwise this might get thrown to me that I broke their marriage instead of saving her from abusive marriage. I don't care about the society all that much but what my sister thinks matters to me coz she will be living with me ( she is an idiot who romanticize ideal relationships and gets manipulated easily even in the past).

[@rudrap-x4w]

Man as an outsider, if your sister can financially support herself help her out this instant, but from what brief description you have given, she doesn't strike like a bright one in which case you should be prepared to handle her bills for the foreseeable future.

[@Susan-hg3rw]

They grow roots.

[@LisLara]

I learned that lesson the hard way

[@Leesa1303]

My ex narc is not able to be fixed... He beat & tortured me last week and believes that I'm not telling the truth...5 years I've tried to love him...and I almost died...

[@szaskala86]

Run away while you still can; it will only get worse with time!!!!. Trust me, I've been in in such a relationship for 40 years and only now learning it's NOT fixable. Find your strength and run, please!

[@MizrahiChick]

I keep seeing comments from other posters about forgive, forgive, forgive . Am I the only one that is offended by asking an abuse victim to be on the hook to repair the damage ?

[@NatoshawithanO84]

I did this, now I’m divorced 10 years later

[@moniqueteal7153]

I tried so hard to "fix it" during ... burnt myself . He doesn't think he has anything to fix 😢 Running in cement ...

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. I've always wondered if this persistently urgent need to "have someone" goes back to the days when couples didn't get to know each other until after marriage. The goal was to secure someone, period. I can just imagine how many ended up in Narcissistic relationships that were never going to fixed in Post.

[@goldbrick2563]

Fix yourself fixers

[@LSMH528Hz]

Didn't Dr. R have a video on the narcissist fixers ?

[@privateprivate8366]

This is like being too positive, kicking the cam down the road or sunk costs fallacy. You can be positive and invest yourself, right into a grave. I’ve been guilty and many people will coerce you into this positive mindset, where it’s unrealistic and over the top. But, although you may not be able to foresee the future, if you’re too positive, without being realistic, you will likely lose. Although I’ve been too positive on certain things, people haven’t been one of them. While that’s a pretty sad, unfriendly and unproductive thing to say, I may have done well by it. Once I see how people are, I don’t fill in the goodness they aren’t. Sadly enough, they typically show themselves to be even worse than that and I’ve saved time.

[@nathanfredette]

Indeed they all are and none are together

[@erinward2983]

⚠️ Danger: ⚠️ I almost lost my life thinking similarly with my parent. I learned he’s a malignant narcissist. He tried to eliminate me!!! He intentionally made me sick and now he’s tried to recruit me through others to return to his aid (aide ). ⛔️ NO!! Blocked for good!!! No fixing. No-contact.

[@JubeiKibagamiFez]

2:32 If only humans were like movie film and audio. I love movies and a lot of movies are great, but the fallacy of movies is that eventually people start to think movies are real life. Perfection is an illusion and we all have our flaws, some flaws are great and some flaws are not, but some people have flaws that they don't see as flaws and therefore those flaws will never get fixed. Not now and definitely not tomorrow.... Maybe when they are on their deathbed and they see the end of their life racing towards them, maybe then.

[@mindoftheheart]

Aside from what has already been said when it comes to relationships with narcissists specifically, about how they won’t change and they’ll ruin your life while you try, I also think it’s worth mentioning that getting into a relationship for the potential of it isn’t a healthy way to go even in a partnership with someone who _isn’t_ narcissistic. I’d argue it’s even worse, ‘cause it may lead you to become the toxic one, and it seems awfully common. I’ve seen and heard of a lot of people - and mostly well-meaning people - getting into relationships without thinking it through, avoiding questions they fear could unveil incompatibilities, like their partner is a project to be fixed later, or assuming they’ll be able to learn to love, like, or tolerate what would have felt like dealbreakers from the get-go, had they admitted it to themselves. And then, months or years down the line, either one of the parties has suppressed half of their personality or the other is trying to trick, guilt, or nag them into changing, or simply resenting them and acting like they’re a bad person for not dressing right, not wanting the right amount of kids or the right job, not cleaning enough, not showing love or communicating in the “right” way, or not paying them enough attention, and instead being the person they always were. Idk who needs to hear this, but don’t get together with someone - or straight-up chain yourself to them as fast as possible - for who they could be or because you like part of them. No matter how much you fear being alone, the idea of letting go of the parts of them you like or of what you think they could be, peer pressure, or your biological clock. And, if you do and things don’t work themselves out healthily and organically, do everything you can to get both of you out of that situation instead of doubling down on the disfunction. No matter how sure you are - and you may even be right - that they should be different, unless they’re objectively abusive (then you totally get to also report them or warn others), let them be who they are and go find someone you actually like.

[@mindonthespirit1543]

Once we say our vows and make the commitment... sounds good in theory. 🤔

[@lizmadura777]

You are super incredible at teaching on this subject. I find myself most certainly learned on the topic while fearing all the more to run into another narcissist. Is it normal to 'diagnose' everyone you meet once you have more knowledge on narcissism? And is it a bad thing?/I find myself doing it more now.

[@matikramer9648]

... and thank you, doctor Ramani... No post production for me. Too old, 64. Luckily, no close relationships with narcissistic people now either.

[@SherryTomlinson-mk7gm]

No fix - void

[@HelenMitchell1984]

Yes I got stuck this way. Tried gottman method. Just don't even try it. Nearly destroyed me.

[@InkdNXS]

I wish you did one on ones 😔

[@shortperson781]

How do you handle a narcissist who is your child? He/she can manipulate you into giving them money until your account is spent. He/she seems to always need money when your Social Security Check comes in.

[@Altakanne]

You know how so many people say "stop thinking everybody is a" or "everything is about..." when you learn about a new phenomenon or you have been through a specific thing? Well, imagine living with Dr Ramani and her going "everything can be a parallel to narcissism and how to heal from it"... And not being able to say anyhting because she is right? ;)

[@mattdeese298]

I feel like I’m in this stage of my relationship with a narcissist

[@tinabunton8678]

19 years seperated one year we are trying to work things out. But im noticing he has not worked on him and i have on myself i noticed im seeing his same behavour even more so because we are seperated but together is what he says . im so feeling confusion like why am i allowing this to gappen again to me living together i fir years coverd a lot of things that i ened up bringing out!!! I was no angle i. Take responsability for my part. One thing is why am i allowing him to continue oh its not physical now but still mentally abusive still because im the one leaving wondering why is it still my fault praying for a change im changing but he has not !!! He says he wants our marriage to work!!!

[@soulTraveller144]

Leave

[@ktbiwk]

Im wondering why my posts always get deleted, even though as a rule i post positive comments only, have a degree in psychology, and offer answers to the questions people ask, and im part of Dr. Ramani's network. Its depressimg, I come here for community and gwt removed constantly, why is this?

[@spacegirl226]

This happens to me all the time too. KZbin's algorithms will find any suspicious word and remove the entire post. And considering YT thinks just about all words are suspicious, you get deleted. I have that happen to me all the time in narc videos and on some of the political channels I follow. You're right, it is depressing and frustrating to be here for community and fellowship and then THBBBBBBBBT your reasonable comment gets yeeted because a machine that doesn't understand nuance thought there was something "bad" about it.

[@topherdalrymple6535]

I'll fix it. Bye. Don't ever call me again.

[@kathleendouglas9893]

no. that one chick..about the movie and her partner..NOT COOL. boundaries please..it was a while back but it bothered me..definitely set boundaries moving forward..

[@kathleendouglas9893]

because u are still susceptible, we always will be

[@joedurt2220]

My goal is to move away, preferably another country, 8 years till my nest is empty.

[@kathybell3299]

My narcissist EX and I were together for 2 years but now separated for 5 years. Throughout the years he has tried off and on to get back with me and I refused. Fast forward to now my son is almost 7 and has a lot of behavioral issues. He has severe ADHD and ODD. We will be attending family counseling very soon. He is willing to go to counseling. The therapist doesn't know he is a narcissist. Should I attend family counseling with narcissist to help my son?

[@t_nels]

💯💥

[@daykibaran9668]

Hey 👋🏻

[@youngblood8540]

Hi 👋

[@Susan-hg3rw]

Don't worry. This is just a dress rehearsal.

[@merlinwizard1000]

75th, 6 July 2024

[@metaljakesnake]

It can also be narcissistic to have a KZbin channel and talk about yourself

[@matikramer9648]

I need an advice. How do you change deep seeded hatred to narcs to total indifference? Any tips? Somebody? Please.

[@ktbiwk]

1) Dr. Ramani's book It's Not You 💓 2)Tara Brach's work on Radical Acceptance 🕊 & 3) Jack Kornfield on naming your demons (ch. 9 I think although I lent out my copy) from the book A Path With Heart 🫶

[@ktbiwk]

@matikramer9648 I tagged you in my first reply and it got removed, so I tried again.

[@notagain779]

@matikramer9648, Indifference can take time to get there, but what helped me was to realize, it's not personal. They don't know you, or have the ability to "get" who you are. There most likely are, in their mind, big misinterpretations and misunderstandings about who you are, and how your mind works. They're not likely to try to find out. You're different than they are in many ways. Therefore, in their minds, you're wrong, or strange to them. Since that's not okay for them, they'll need to punish you in some way for not conforming to how you ought to be for them. All of this is about THEM only, and has nothing to do with you. All you can do is leave them to themselves. I'm 70 years old, and have known FIVE of them!! The last one dropped off pretty quickly when I wouldn't allow her to manipulate me.

[@SailboatDiaries]

Do you have deep seeded hatred to mountains and clouds? They are what they are, do YOU

[@notagain779]

@@SailboatDiaries , mountains and clouds don't try to deceive and manipulate.......

[@xXNoMoralzXx]

I mean but thats exactly what Im going to do though. Im going to fix it in post. If you think im just gonna sit here and never plan to undo some of this BS you're crazier than me, and I talk to my feet so.

[@dopplarwaves]

But why not fix it now? Why sit here thinking about how in the future you're going to fix things when you could sit here and address it? I think that's more of what Dr. Ramani was talking about it. Don't get me wrong, there are situations where it's not safe to address things in the moment, but she's talking about seeing problems in a relationship and not addressing the problems in that moment, but rather later in the future. And how this thinking will trap you in an unhealthy relationship.

[@ktbiwk]

What's done is done, there is no un-doing , there is only the need for a change in behavior, which unfortunately you will never get from a true narc, and unfortunately you'll be on the edit crew for all eternity. Like she says at the end: if it works= well then you'll have a meaningful conversation about what needs to change, and you'll see a change in results. IF-No change, or worse, you tell someone what they do is hurting you and they double down and hurt you more... its a waste of your energy - you will loose you're whole life force in post-edits, metaphorically speaking, you will waste all your energy going backwards instead of moving forward with changes. She wasn't saying don't try...you absolutely have to try to communicate your boundaries- she's saying the idea "we can fix this later," will compound the problem. The mere idea of a post-edit is unhealthy in a narcisstic dynamic especially, because they never change. They lack this capacity. And if the person is a true narcissist- they unfortunately can't change without monumental effort in lifelong, continous therapy. If you have a meaningful conversation about the BS and they respect you, honor you, and change their behavior = wonderful!

[@xXNoMoralzXx]

@@dopplarwaves The circumstances are far from normal.

[@chynamcgee12]

It took me years to figure out everything you are saying. Now what?

[@ohdontchaknow]

🥱😴

[@bindibud23]

I believe the Travelling Willburys got their name from George Harrison's frequent remark, "We'll bury it in editing (i.e. post-production)."

[@ktbiwk]

Thank you for sharing

[@RachelSitea-mn2qk]

A traveling wilbury is a piece of equipment that goes missing, per the band.

[@RachelSitea-mn2qk]

Hi- per the band, a travelling wilbury is a piece of equipment that mysteriously goes missing.