Social and Personal Relationships on the Autism Spectrum - Sarah Hendrickx

Video by Lexica Films - www.lexicafilms.co.uk
Camera Operators & Editors:
Alex Carter & Nate Kiley
Music:
Starry - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
creativecommons.org/licenses/b...

[@hayleyquinnx94]

it's taking me hours to get through her videos because every time she starts a new topic she starts just listing facts about my life and I have to stop and tell everyone that I can't fucking believe this.

[@emmaslifeofriley6545]

I feel the same

[@adhdancer777]

Same here. I'm almost euphoric!

[@barblupole6257]

I know just how you feel, I kept saying " omg , this is me , this is all me !!! Lol

[@sherrym5556]

Lmao!!!! Same except I don't have too many friends probably because I'm autistic lmao 😂 newly diagnosed at 58

[@carolinecollins8246]

Hi beautiful you 🌸 yes me to ! I'm 56 yes old. This just resonates with me so very much in many areas. Years ago being dyslexic to, I was looked upon as stupid and lazy 🙈 I'm going to get some guidance with this. Thank you 🙏 for sharing 🙏💙 blessings and love always for you 🙏💙

[@cad0420alice]

I cried when you said Autistic people are generally very reliable people, but they become unreliable because of these pressure…I didn’t even know myself was like that before I heard it. It is really true for me. But I was so clueless about my own feeling that I blamed myself for being lazy and careless of other people…

[@desmondbrown3595]

Bingo!

[@thesunnyroad]

You are not alone ❤

[@turtleanton6539]

It is true

[@Lynee5290]

Very true for me. 😢

[@adelacortes958]

Most brilliant presentation! Very no nonsense to the point, very educational and therapeutic. Knowledge and acceptance are the key to live a satisfying life.❤️❤️❤️!!!

[@laurelissen2887]

31:00 "But your way is ALWAYS better if you're Autistic, you're usually right, because you've done the logic, you've done the research, you've worked it all out, and actually it is correct, but this whole compromise thing means you have to kind of water down your own brilliance and take on the opinions of other people who just haven't done the research." Wow. Wow. Yes. I really love the self-awareness in this with just a playful pinch of humour, but it's so true. Please, is there any way this can be understood and accepted by the people I work for? It's not that I think I'm better than they are, or smarter, or that I'm not listening to them (all things I've been accused of often), it's that I considered those ideas already, and I discounted them because those ideas were not as good as the thoroughly researched conclusion I came to. But if I give them my detailed analysis and why "my" way is better (I don't see it as an ownership thing really), not only do I end up drowning them in detail they can't process, they think I'm arrogant and aggressive and not a team player!

[@danieldaniels7571]

Relatable. And I’m definitely NOT a team player; I’m a solo act.

[@deanna4healthgmail882]

Water down my brilliance… all the time *sigh*

[@alanking4980]

I find now on some subjects I used to drone onto people about over and over (no it’s like this, can’t you see?) that they suddenly catch up but still don’t realise you got there first. Feels like your a year or two ahead of them as life unfolds. Seeing patterns earlier.

[@barblupole6257]

Yes ! I completely relate

[@dorothygale7666]

Is there a way to be understood and accepted by the people you work with? There's no easy answer. I think people probably care more about how you make them feel than they care about what you have to contribute towards whatever the goal of the company is. If you have the time and inclination to read some helpful things, I would highly recommend How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie and/or A Field Guide to Earthlings by Ian Ford. The Carnegie one more directly addresses the kinds of issues you are dealing with, but the Ford one can help you get a much better understanding of neurotypicals in general. Unfortunately being a team player can mean putting your ideas on the backburner. It doesn't necessarily matter if your ideas are the best, it is a social privilege to have your ideas taken seriously and utilized. To quote Carnegie: "When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity." Good luck!

[@Leena79]

I was diagnosed with Asperger's just last week, at the age of 41. Seeing this video any many others was a big reason for why I decided to seek diagnosis. I can relate with pretty much everything in this lecture, and it was amazing to find an explanation to why I've felt like an alien all my life. It all makes so much sense now.

[@yessacruz3283]

Good for you

[@jonesy642]

I’m 40 and still haven’t been heard… at least I’m willing to try again after finding her videos. Thank you Sara

[@sarojailangovan9669]

My son is 42 years old with a different diagnosis but he actually fits into Autistic spectrum. It is an awesome lecture.

[@krmccarrell]

Hi Leena, thank you for your comment. I feel the same way. However, I don't know how to get help, how to get a diagnosis. These videos are a great help, but no one has talked about getting a diagnosis. Perhaps you can share that, how you navigated to get help?

[@Leena79]

@@krmccarrell I was diagnosed by public healthcare here in Finland, I assume the process is different in other countries. I had been a client of the mental health clinic for years, and because my problems didn't get better with therapy, I started wondering if my diagnosis was correct. I had seen some articles on autism and the symptoms fit. I brought my suspitions to my doctor, and I was referred to a psychologist who tested me over a couple of months. And, I got my diagnosis. 😊

[@Catlily5]

I used to freak out if I lost a good friend because I had so few friends and I felt like it was the end of the world. Finally around university age I realized that I would never have that friend again but I would meet someone else who would be just as good of a friend in a different way.

[@zedstrange]

My childhood makes so much more sense now.

[@studionightshade]

SAME.

[@katrinakollmann5265]

Same.b

[@oliviagreen7423]

Same. I'm 43 and it's a huge relief to discover these vids 😳

[@eilzmo]

Right!? It’s like I’m reliving every life experience (NOT in chronological order cause that would be far too sensible) as and when they occur to me through the new lens of autism and it’s so therapeutic and liberating

[@yessacruz3283]

Eilzmo reminiscing and self acceptance

[@gaillewis5472]

I keep hearing, "...but EVERYONE loves you!" yet I am so lonely. I invite people to movies, meals, small venue concerts, they all say yes, then stand me up. When I go alone, they tell me my social life must be so exciting. No, I'm going to a place with a bunch of strangers and not speaking to anyone. I could just as easily be in the supermarket, but I was looking to socialize. I really want to socialize.

[@JessAGamer]

Sounds almost like you have ASD friends, too! Try asking someone *where* they'd like to go or *what* they'd like to do; plan around them, coordinate something that will be interesting/exciting *for them* (ideally you'd enjoy it too, or at least not mind doing it). When you demonstrate an interest in others' activities, they will be more likely to reciprocate, e.g. if you invite them to lunch at a Thai place, their response (or at least thought process) might go something like "Well I'm not a huge fan of Thai food, but I don't really mind it, and you did come with me to see Frozen 2 last week even though you're not big on cartoons... sure, let's do it." Sometimes they're just self-absorbed though or have other issues of their own. Do they cancel/show up late/stand up others in their social groups? Some people are just flaky, or bad planners -- that's not on you, that's on them.

[@gaillewis5472]

@@JessAGamer Will do! Thanks for the advice.

[@danieldaniels7571]

I’m usually happier out alone like that

[@barblupole6257]

I'm a very social person , I know how you feel , it hurts over and over . I try to see what I'm doing wrong , I can't find it , Im not bossy , I'm loyal , caring and definitely not needy , So I understand , but now at 60 year's of age , I still hurt and feel lonely at times , but I also do like my own company , and have learned I also need to reach out to people I like, , call and visit, send nice little calls , and remember their birthday , I have always struggled with dates . And it's important , I talk less and listen more , but I'm still a loner , but I do believe people enjoy me , my company, I believe we have to be self assured with ourselves, first . The others, regular people don't get what's up with as if we have low self esteem, so that's what I work on ,my self esteem and things got much better . People I think saw me as different, which is fine , but when I was freaked out and insecure, I was seen or perceived as unwell, I wasn't , only full of fear. So build up your self esteem, your beautiful, unique , creative and very cool . I can literally talk for hours with people like you , like me .

[@ithacacomments4811]

When I first met my Aspie husband...we talked on the telephone for 6 hours straight! It was like we had come to earth from a different planet and .....we finally found each other.

[@misty_moss]

i'm so glad this happened to you both

[@mycupoverflows7811]

🥰🥰

[@WilliamFontaineJr]

Yep same with my wife.

[@forrestkey9132]

I think i frequently step on social landmines and im left dazed and confused. Accidentally lost friends just doing my thing. Still got friends but it really sucks to put effort into someone and they discard you when they tire of putting up with you.

[@barblupole6257]

Yes , many times this has happened, and has left me with a fear now , cause I know , . But it's ok , I have met friends right here , we understand each other, that's friendship to me .

[@yannickbr4383]

I find it hard to imagine not everyone feels as what she says

[@TransistorSounds]

I, too, was shocked to discover just how different allistic people are. No wonder I could never predict how they'd act!

[@katrinakollmann5265]

My whole life is changing because of you. Thank you.

[@eilzmo]

Katrina Kollmann congratulations :) I hope you’ve kept on the up!

[@birela_]

Same thing

[@mina-the-walker5258]

I t

[@benjaminjiin8432]

I would go to a coffee shop for my dose of socializing. This included me sitting by myself studying while having loads of people around me. Living in a foreign country where I look very foreign was also a similar type of socializing for me.

[@katrinakollmann5265]

I've missed thar during covid..

[@crescendo2441]

I like living in the city surrounded by a lot of people, but tucked away in my own cocoon.

[@Finne57]

Yes it's a b******* that we can't go to coffee shops as that was my socialising too. (Trying hard) it must also be so hard for the cafe owners and workers. After listening to Sarah Hendrickx I actually want to try and see others' perspectives.

[@danieldaniels7571]

This is kind of how I am at bars

[@clareu9539]

I also do the coffee shop thing.

[@Water88Rabbit]

‘Where do you hide ?’ Haha 29 and I still have my hiding spots 😁

[@rengsn4655]

A potential romantic partner told me he was thinking of traveling to Brazil for a holiday and then he asked if I was interested in going. I said not really. He stopped talking to me and it took me a few days to realize what happened 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@barblupole6257]

I'm so sorry that happened to you, glad you didn't marry this person.

[@0000song0000]

i have never understood those guys... the ones that ask you too much too soon, and then dissapear (or their approaches stop). I would have dated them months after meeting them, but not when i havent met them 😀🤷🏻

[@mackfin8869]

Funny

[@Maggies87]

Good answer. Going out of country for a weekend with someone you barely know is unwise.

[@crescendo2441]

Wow the jumping circles really hit home, I've always had a problem with wanting to behave with friends/aquaintences/strangers like I do with family. Can't comprehend why I'm not allowed to interact the same way with everyone.

[@yessacruz3283]

True, it’s just hard not to me polite especially when interacting with other people. It’s not faking either, it’s like you can’t turn it off

[@heather333]

I'm not diagnosed but at 52 I don't think I can be bothered with the nightmare of jumping through all the hoops of requesting a diagnosis. I'm a confident introvert who needs hours and hours of alone time after work/social interaction. These talks have been amazing for me. It's given me huge clarity about my past and other family members. I'm so glad I gave up pretending early in my life and learnt to say no to social invites.

[@thecompletebasquiat6872]

Me too. I turned 60 this year and what's the point. Here in the US a diagnosis doesn't come with a disability check. But I was happy to gain clarity. It happened for me when my son was diagnosed, and I also realized other relatives on the maternal side were likely ASD. It helps me accept myself knowing all the "negative" behaviors I engage (generally, avoiding most people) are just natural to my cognitive function.

[@brianmeen2158]

“Gave up pretending early in my life” Good thing you did . I have pretended up and into my mid 30s - I just cannot do it anymore.

[@curiousj1287]

Me too, I can’t bear the thought of going through all the hoops either to get diagnosed at my age. I recently came across a yt video, and it all resonated with me immensely. I have been living in my anxiety laden life, with no idea of why I struggle so much…until now. i’ve managed to cope and make an ok living . I’ve beat myself up so much trying to …do better, be a better friend, not be so anxious, be able to fit in, and it has led me to self medicate. I’m just trying to manage and be productive…seems no one understands my struggle.

[@noelgibson5956]

I was diagnosed ten years ago, at age 45. I just wish I'd known thirty years earlier as I could have aligned my life path to better suit it. I could have searched for friends and love in more appropriate circles. Decades wasted in churches, nightclubs, etc looking for women who weren't compatible. I'll never get that time back. I'm heading into old age single, childless, Autistic........and forgotten. I can't state enough, the importance of an early diagnosis.

[@ildyivy]

😞 similar situation, but no diagnosis.

[@LittleSeasonSurvivor314]

I'm 50 and, not only was I never properly diagnosed, I was misdiagnosed with a personality disorder at age 35. I feel totally screwed having faked my way through life as long as I could until I could no longer fake it at all; only to spend whatever is left of my life alone.

[@LessThanThree76]

Damn, the more I listen to her the more I realize that I tick 90% of the boxes she’s talking about. No wonder I’ve struggled in my life, I’m 45 now and COMPLETELY exhasted from life. Not sure what to do to be able to cope.

[@owlslight]

I'm 54 and in the same boat. Understanding your needs and limitations, is key. I'm learning and trying to figure out how to restructure my life in a way that keeps me from burning out.

[@brianmeen2158]

I’m in my late 30s and feel similar - my ability to mask is pretty much gone. Not good

[@davegunner49]

Actually, I do not have a lot but usually quite deep friendships thanks to my Autism. People value my down-to-earth, humble and authentic presentation which they do not often find with neurotypicals. The area I struggled most were relationships. I had two short-term ones but dating overall was pretty difficult as I do not seem to find any sort of fulfilling connection with the other person. But I am thankful for what I got as a lot of Autistic people sadly do not find love at all. Also I cannot hide my daily struggles all the time and being honest about your Autism, at least in my country, is usually a killer. At times I have the feeling I am the only Aspie where I live. It sucks just being surrounded by neurotypicals. My best friend has ADHD, he is a real blessing as we can both be our natural selves in each other's company which would be totally weird and unacceptable to NT's. There should be a dating site for Aspies...

[@phoenixmiller7353]

I totally agree with this

[@manuelmanzanero5057]

@@davegunner49 "Experts" say that the problem in the interaction between neurotypics and people with ASD is in their different way of coding the information they communicate. In my case, the main problem has not been that: I never had a problem understanding the double meanings or the ironies, I speak very fluently and I also do not openly emit signs of stress in a situation that causes it to me (in other words, I go unnoticed and even seem to enjoy interacting with neurotypics). In my case, it is the mechanics of verbal exchange that I find cognitively exhausting. Writer L. F. Céline said that the mechanical effort of conversation is more complicated and painful than defecation: that sums up very well my feelings about these exchanges. All social relationships are, basically, verbal relationships. Face-to-face conversation with only one person (or with two people) is tolerable, because we have some room to negotiate. With one or two people you can agree on the contents of the conversation, make them understand your silences, agree on the rules. Instead, group conversations are a nightmare. Because with a group nothing can be negotiated, since the group imposes itself by its number at the will of the individuals that compose it and dictates rules that everyone must follow. A group is a phagocyte: either you are part of it or it swallows you. That is why I believe that the feeling of isolation does not always come from the absence of other people with ASD, but from having to develop our life in an environment that forces us to constantly interact with large groups that follow rules and rituals we can't feel part of. True isolation is that one experienced in the midst of a crowd that we feel alien to, but that forces us to participate. This is what Bukowski said, writing that he only felt truly alone in a stadium full of screaming people. I agree on almost everything you wrote, except when you say that a person with ASD / Asperger's cannot find love at all. For a while I believed something similar (with a lot of effort, an effort exclusive on MY part, I had several relationships in the past... but definitely not love). Until I found that this is not always the case, certainly not in women. (You didn't say what your gender is, so I won't ask about it). To my surprise, they not only had it very easy to find relationships... But more often than not, their male partners were empathetic and understanding with them, they offered them emotional support, they strived to learn about the syndrome to treat them better... And, above all, they DIDN'T judge their female partners for the symptoms of their disorder. For me it was a shock, because my expectation and my own experience has been totally different, and my different female partners were more judges or prosecutors than partners (and of all the male Aspergers I know, there is only one other than me who has ever had a stable partner). So, let's say, the experience the world offers does not help us to feel comfortable, either in public relationships or in intimate relationships. Therefore, it is useful to learn as soon as possible to break all dependence on others and their approval, and that we can only count on ourselves.

[@phoenixmiller7353]

@@davegunner49 okayyy?? I didn't disagree with anything you said, Im autistic myself, I don't understand why you commented that

[@schneeroseful]

I recently learned about a FB group for autistic dating, but it is US only

[@eilzmo]

Phoenix Miller I think he posted it because it’s his way of asking for help and/or advice. Or possibly he was hoping that someone already created an Aspie dating site and was hoping for a link 😉

[@dianalevans9125]

OMG I needed this 30 years ago.

[@euanelliott3613]

I like to travel on buses. I'm amongst people but noone really needs to speak to me. The journey is always more interesting than the destination because when I arrive I then have to negotiate the possible pitfalls that come with living in a predominantly neurotypical society. In cafes I tend to sit away from others, not because I don't like people, I just need space so I can think, rather than be caught up with them. Thinking is vitally important to me, and if someone else is there they seem to need reassurance that nothing is wrong. I find this wearing.

[@amberevol]

between you and Yo Samdy Sam, I'm finally understanding myself and how to better coexist with people. I'm finally not comparing myself to NTs, I can't believe the difference it's made. thank you so much

[@Uvvibes]

I'm so beyond amazed by the helpful information she puts out and how well articulated, and how much courage it takes to do the public speaking she does! She being on the spectrum herself she really really gets it. She's helping so many people understand more about ASD and especially how it affects girls and women, this will change people lives. thank you so much!

[@fainitesbarley2245]

I totally identify! Just the fact she’s got no make-up, hadn’t combed her hair, is wearing a ratty old tee shirt and doesn’t give a toss speaks to me

[@Rainy333]

I love this lady so much. I've struggled with imposter syndrome in regards to my diagnosis, but the way she describes us makes all the pieces align and I feel whole and legitimate 💚💚💚💚

[@sayusayme7729]

Just finding this out at 60. Thank you so very much. Still processing. 🦋

[@sandraluthi4015]

Me too. :) Thanks for saying... Um- a lot of double-edged sword stuff, I think, at this late age.

[@rimulo2800]

I listen to her videos when I have to leave the house and travel in a bus. Her voice calms my anxiety.

[@Eirene628]

Quite the opposite for me.

[@debbiedebbie9473]

I just listened to her while driving and shopping at target and it was so calming.

[@brianohamill7236]

I can’t say enough about how much this meant to me. I’m 51 and undiagnosed but relate to almost all of these aspects.

[@alanking4980]

52 and awaiting diagnosis, it’s mind blowing

[@barblupole6257]

Yes I'm 60 , dyslexic , but that's my only diagnosis. I somewhat knew that something has always been a little different ,

[@haleyhowell7889]

I think that higher percentage of non-heteronormativity is more related to a lack of needing to conform. We can be honest with ourselves and throw societal expectations to the wind

[@jennifer9047]

Actually, due to my PCOS, I've found that my female libido backs off in year long cycles because my ovaries are weak and not sending out enough hormones. During those low libido times, I'd be interested sexually in a girl. But when the hormones cycle back in a year or so, I feel sexy and want a man.

[@jogower2987]

Are you saying that heterosexuality doesn’t exist? It’s just a bunch of people “conforming” and not giving into temptation?

[@bridaw8557]

@@jogower2987 I think the person is saying that there is less inhibition in order to conform. There’s no one to say what your sexuality “should” be or less motivation to conform. Some people are very heterosexual and know it from a young age. Some are more on a spectrum

[@KDavidson828]

I'm watching this for a work training, and after watching this, I've started contemplating if I'm exhibiting signs of autism. Everything just resonates with my personality. I don't really like to socialize, and I can't maintain relationships, everything is just spot on. I love how informative this video is, and the presenter is a delight to watch.

[@_Trakman]

I assume you work with folk on the spectrum

[@barblupole6257]

I worked in mental health for years , as a diagnosis of dyslexia, but this is really me , I'm so relieved. And makes so much sense

[@TMIvey-gk4mw]

There are so many people on the spectrum that are at the Sci-fi and Fandom conventions. Gaming groups affiliated through comic book and game shops. They find each other there. They join historical re-enactment groups and cosplay groups and then they can hide behind a costume and are encouraged to research and obsess about some element to their heart's content. If you learn enough and your social skills can handle it, then you can teach or maybe make specialty items to sell. run a gaming group, etc. which is a good way to meet even more like minded people.

[@tjbarke6086]

I haven't been diagnosed, but everything I hear about it in these presentations, the more I feel that it perfectly describes huge aspects of my life...

[@dinorahdarby4499]

I so appreciate these videos. My daughter is 16 now and she has always been fantastically unique. It wasn't till she was 13 that I took her for a diagnosis. She wants an education in veterinarian medicine. I thought with a 'label' she would more likely get the right help with her studies. We have homeschooled her and her social variants did not stand out till later. She wants friends but only wants to spend time with those who converse with purpose. Frivolous chatter is like nails on a chalk board for her. While my heart hurts that she doesn't have the friend she desires, I am grateful she has a filter.

[@yessacruz3283]

What a loving mother. I wish my parents were like you

[@barblupole6257]

And she has you, her needs are different, and you are her, " that" friend, she is blessed . You a wonderful mom .

[@samanthamansi1184]

S

[@julian-xy7gh]

I love that we get so many side shots. Now I don't have to think about looking at her eyes that much

[@anwirlolol]

I really like listening to professionals talking about autism because they are teaching me about myself. And i didn't know myself as well as i thought till now that i learned more

[@theaspiebridge]

My greatest difficulty is in understanding a man's authentic interest in me and wanting to make love to me versus someone who goes out of his way to turn on the charm in order to score some naïve sex with me??? I even tried to have a one year friendship with someone I worked with so I could study his behaviors, but behaviors can change from the workplace to the bedroom.

[@MissShembre]

I agree. There was a guy in one of my college classes that was well-behaved and looked like he was fine, and then as soon as he got my number he didn't want to talk, just hit on me, even after I told him multiple times to slow down. Which, why would date someone who doesn't even listen? Why date without the promise of companionship?

[@LadyAbstracted]

Suzanne Plumley Yess!! I‘m only 22 but my first and only boyfriend that I had was really just so I can learn why people get in relationships and what the hype was all about. The whole courtship process just doesn‘t make sense to me.

[@manuelmanzanero5057]

The only way to be with a person to whom we have a reciprocal interest is to take the initiative to actively know, treat and negotiate with that person, since this is the only thing that will provide us with information about their intentions and their behavior. You are manifesting what the problem is: you are waiting for men to show interest in you. If you want to have elements to assess the sincerity of a man's interest, why don't you put an active interest in the type of man you're attracted to? Of course, it is much more comfortable for you to passively wait for the other side to do everything. Women have everything much easier because they have a full-time male attention pool at their disposal without lifting a finger, but that ease carries with it a responsibility. Letting the other side move in our place will not free us from that responsibility. In that sense, we men are clear, because nobody gives us attention for free, we have no choice but to be active, and the ASD is no excuse. Everything we men get in terms of relationships and love, we get thanks to our active investment in time and effort. And with the risk of failing 100 and 1000 times. I assure you that this is a perfect training to assume our responsibility in an adult way and to learn to evaluate the intentions and behavior of others. Naivety is not an excuse when we are not willing to do anything. The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

[@LadyAbstracted]

Manuel Manzanero If I understood you correctly, you think that the problem is that women, with this issue, are waiting for guys to show their interest in us rather than showing interest ourselves? I don’t think that this is the issue and I don’t think that women with ASD use this as an excuse to not show interest in someone. At least for me, my issue is that I never know if a guy is taking me to lunch in order to get to know me as a person with the intention of being friends or because he wants to date me. The ASD, at least for me, comes into play when you just can’t work out men’s intentions in this sense. So it’s not really a matter of showing interest in someone, it’s showing the right KIND of interest and this involves being able to determine in what way someone is interested in you which is annoying and exhausting trying to decipher. I’d rather someone just be blunt and tell me, none of this covert hidden message bs.

[@manuelmanzanero5057]

@@LadyAbstracted My friend, men often make their intentions very clear: there is no kind of twisted bs in them. There are no hidden signs, no hints, no double language, nothing like that. They go straight to their goal. Among other things, because they have no choice but to be active, often temerary, take the first step and expose themselves to failures while women are accustomed to passively waiting for the other side to do everything. And what I wanted to say is that: only with activity do you get results that you want (with many failures in your path, of course). The difficulty to read the intentions of others is common to we people with ASD, male or female. But our behavior is different due to the dominant sexual dynamics: women have it easier, because they have male attention without any effort. But what I was saying is that this ease is the other side of a responsibility. My answer was addressed to a user who said exactly this: "My greatest difficulty is understanding a man authentic interest in me and wanting to make love with me versus someone who goes out of his way (...) in order to score some naive sex with me". What she was saying is not about not knowing how to distinguish between intentions of sex vs friendship, but of not knowing how to distinguish between true love interest and to "score some naive sex". And my question was: and why do you just wait for men to approach you, and then assess their attitude, instead of being you who takes the initiative? Why should men approach you, what is the reason why it has to be this way and not the other way around? Don't they tell us that relationships must be egalitarian and symmetric? So why do you assume that men have to show interest in you and do all the work in your place? Of course: men approach you because the sexual dynamics forces them to have the active role, while you are comfortable assuming the passive one. They approach you because they know that the only way to have an emotional or sexual relationship is to take the initiative and compete with your other orbiters. But if what you really want is a meaningful relationship with someone who shares your emotions and interests, maybe that is an effort that you have to do, because it is an objective that interests you. If a person is not willing to act, it makes no sense to later complain about not knowing how to interpret the intentions or initiative of others. If you want someone who shares your interests and intentions, take the task of looking for him. That is what men do. We do not wait for anyone to give us anything, nor do we wait passively for others to reveal their intentions. We take a step forward to manifest ours, exposing ourselves to failure, to misinterpretation, instead of waiting for the rain to fall from the sky.

[@kaiven2429]

I'm 81 and all the comments below explain ME as well as the video. I am so glad to know I am Asperger's.....No words can describe the feeling I have....I don't need an official diagnosis. I was officially diagnosis ADD in the eighties, but Asperger's fits much better....

[@ithacacomments4811]

I am 71 with no official diagnosis. Definitely an Aspie!

[@barblupole6257]

Yes , I'm 60, diagnosed severe dyslexia in 7th grade , then diagnosis of ADHD at 57 years of age , but this definitely is my , I don't need a doc or meds , I'm happy to be me

[@CB19087]

Totally relating to this. Personally I cant be bothered to try and keep friendships with neurotypicals anymore. I'm starting to unmask and it's such a massive relief. Luckily I do have neurodivergent friends and access to more if I need. I'm tired of pretending and tired of trying and tired of being rejected by neurotypical folk. It's time to start being myself and showing up as myself ❤

[@scorpiotech123]

Thank you so much for this talk. It helped me to understand some difficulties, which I have encountered. I am so glad that you talked about your own relationship, because it made me understand that relationships that don't follow the neurotypical model can be satisfying, enjoyable and helpful to the participants.

[@nicoleruser4909]

I had soon-to-be friends "harpoon" me in middle school, high school, even undergrad, and it was such a RELIEF. "The other nerds found me! I don't have to go through the exhausting process of trying to find these nerdy needles in the chatty, shallow haystack of a new school!" In 7th grade it was literally, "We saw you reading for fun in study hall. You're one of us!" By 18 it was, "hey freshie, wanna go grab donuts with us and then watch Dogma?" :-D There were usually 1 or 2 ASD or ADHD kids in the group and many more of us who were just... not quite neurotypical. We annoyed each other sometimes, then forgave each other and moved on; we had less drama overall than the cliques that were obsessed with dating and social status. My mom called my high school cafeteria table "The Island of Lost Toys" but I didn't care, we had fun and introduced each other to new special interests. Part of me wishes more adults still did this, but there are fewer safeguards against friends-you-barely-met taking advantage of you (financially, sexually, etc.) so I get why you have to go slower. Still, I miss the Island of Lost Toys. :(

[@drzeworyj]

I mean, sometimes while being autistic you can totally understand how it all works but believe it to be superficial/not desire such social connection/know that you don't have qualities that would make you largely popular because you value other things. being autistic can start with you not understanding all those things intuitively at first (which seems to especially be the case in males), but it doesn't mean that being autistic is equivalent to not understanding those things in the end, at all. I do understand the basis of social interaction, but for many reasons I choose not to participate. and I don't see it as my flaw, quite the contrary.

[@TheDavveponken]

I was sort of looking for this comment. I have little to no issue with most social interaction - except for romantic relationships where I haven't gotten the same amount of training (since my anxiety founded in early childhood, due to my family and bullies, made me shy). I just see all the possible ways an interaction/relationship might go wrong in an instant. I very quickly calculate and ruminate which causes the anxiety. I also have adhd - a nightmarish combination to me.

[@McGia]

I always also looking for a comment like this. In terms of empathy I feel like I almost have hyper empathy and am highly Sensitive to non verbal cues and can typically pick up on social cues and knows what is expected of me in social settings. It takes effort but I’ve gotten really good at masking to the point where people think empathy comes naturally to me when really it’s just a skill I’ve been learning since childhood bc of my desire to fit in and feel accepted and also human behavior is my special interest. I study people incessantly. They are my little projects and I aim To figure everyone out and I’ve become the therapist friend bc I am about to recognize patterns of behavior and accurately predict outcomes. I feel like this is a side of autism people are not really looking into bc again… gender bias male brain characteristics of the spectrum. So much research needs to be done on how differently autism presents and the different abilities we have. But my sensory issues make me a difficult friend to have and so my Social circle is small. I’m ok w that tho.

[@earthtojoy9640]

Totally agree with you!! The part I don’t understand is why bother with this behavior in the first place. It’s a waste of time.

[@amachine6556]

I am currently trying to get evaluated for autism by a professional but it’s much harder where I live than expected. Things basically started to go horribly wrong after the lockdowns because I could just be myself during this time. My friends knew me like that before but the rest of the world…well..is not exactly a fan of me not trying 24/7. I started watching this particular video waiting in my general practitioner’s waiting room. My parents sent me there because they don’t believe that it’s THAT because they‘d know. And because they can’t just send me to an asylum without my consent.. I can’t really be angry about this because they all have adhd and tend to react very emotional and impulsive. Unfortunately I can’t show them any of these videos because they don’t speak proper English. It would make things so much easier. This video amongst a lot of others makes me feel much better about me being me so Tank you very much for talking about it. And thank you to everyone who is listening, it’s much easier when we all try to understand each other better.

[@fakeyolk]

in 5th grade i moved schools because i was dealing with a verbally abusive teacher, but once i was at the new school i faced bullying for my gender non conformity. my hiding spot was at the back of the classroom, the cupboards were empty but only one had doors and no shelf obstructing the inside. i would squeeze my little body in there to eat my lunch, wishing i could sit in there during recess/break but would follow outside out of fear of being reprimanded for breaking the rules. kids thought i was weird for eating in the cupboard but it was the safest place for me, where i didnt have to deal with harsh overhead lighting and unbareable noise. i could just put my earbuds in and listen to music while being able to unmask online with friends who had similar interests. on days we ate in another classroom i would hide in the corner, feeling drained for the rest of day or even leaving because i wasnt able to have my 30 minutes of “peace”

[@rondarawson6236]

I'm very normal as far as being attracted to the Male gender....while women can be beautiful.... I am not attracted to them....at all....but I'd rather be alone then with an aggressive or egotistical male.....relationships are hard...its either one sided or overwhelming....I can put up with it for a while but eventually I will meltdown......as I get older....I realize ...it may just never happen for me...😔 who will ever get me and my son correctly....I don't need the fight....its exhausting...thank you for talking about it...your a wonderful person for putting this out there....

[@nleem3361]

Totally agree that I'd rather be alone than in an abusive relationship... I was very encouraged by her talk. I'd look into dating another ASD person. There are lots of them who want to meet someone who will get them... I'm adhd and this helped me know more about my ASD boyfriend and why we get along so well. It's been so refreshing. He gets me more than anyone else. He's also a lot more stable and dependable than anyone else I've dated.

[@scheimaa172]

When I decide that I want someone to be my friend I make them think that they chose me not the other way. Like creating a situation when we are alone and since I am not good at initiating a conversation they start talking and then i can talk about something interesting like how sharks don't like eating humans and just take a bite out of curiosity. And from here on I can do things with that person and we became friends. It works, but they end up being boring. One time however the friend of the target turned out to be more fun so it's worth it. By boring here I mean that they don't drop their social act.

[@sayusayme7729]

Thank you, struggling with undiagnosed autism only creates more anxiety. Harder at 63, but I will survive 🔥🎇🧡

[@iloveFreedom.]

❤hey/ sending love/ am 55/ just getting a clearer diagnosis/ feel like it's a new world😅 take care have fun x

[@debcurnock4202]

I've been diagnosed a couple of years now- probably had figured it out a couple of years before that- have plenty of ND friends, belong to some great supportive groups and have done plenty of reading and research,... Yet this is probably the most relatable and helpful thing I've come across. She's so good at articulating and communicating it all!

[@ianowen3157]

Talking about social events. Looking forward to going to them when the time gets nearer, not wanting to turn up and socialise. Or going out, then at a certain time in the evening leaving quietly, without anyone noticing.

[@drzeworyj]

I always preferred to be by myself as a kid, but it wasn't so much because of social failures (female here). I was just bored. other kids didn't connect at my level of interests (I was the only 5yo kid in my group who could read, etc.). I did feel their rejection, but more than that, I was unamused and tired when playing with most of them. I remember telling one friend who'd come to visit me that she could go home because my mum didn't let me do some experiment with baking powder, and it made me angry. that changed over a few years though, and I'd have hypersocial phases too.

[@barblupole6257]

Beautifully unique

[@lindafirth1562]

Watching Sarah is saving my sanity. Many thanks for all sharing all this expertise and knowledge. I'm totally invested in Sarah at the moment - need the t shirt!

[@moonmissy]

Intense conversation and personality is what people say about me!

[@tanyasidello7885]

LOVE THIS.....I FINALLY UNDERSTAND AND HAVE ANSWERS TO THE MANY QUESTIONS THAT FOR SO LONG HAVE PLAGUED ME.MY MIND IS STARTING TO FIND PEACE AND QUIET❤

[@elenmorgan5690]

thanks so much

[@tattooedcatlady3341]

Thank you, you have helped me make sense of myself for the first time in my life!

[@philchadwick9470]

I'm expecting an assessment in about 3 years time (that's the estimate I was given, not one of my own invention). 64 in a few days and a lot happier since I self diagnosed about a year ago. This lecturer really does know how to explain autism perfectly. The last 50 years makes sense now.

[@Maya_Ruinz]

Definitely one of the most important videos I have seen, it’s like describing my entire life in a 90 minute video.

[@Finne57]

Perry Como!!!! A definite no-no. Beautiful! Another wonderful talk.

[@debbiedebbie9473]

This is brilliant. Thank you. ❤️

[@Gibbsong1]

Sarah, I really appreciate your description of all the buttresses that allow you to operate as you do on a daily basis and how you highlighted the difference of how you might therefore operate in public vs at home when it feels more acceptable to confirm less. As an NT, so many videos I've watched have explained autism in such a way that it didn't sound much different than NT's but your descriptions helped to better illustrate. Thank you.

[@barblupole6257]

This is so absolutely new that I'm discovering in myself, what a relief because I'd wonder so often why I don't have friends , I anly have surface friendships, but when I have many people calling , and stopping by I become so overwhelmed. So I've been asking myself for years , whats wrong with my, I love people , I hate surface talk , I'm bored so easy so I'm so relieved listening to this video, this is so me,, the tomboy ,etc , and I require 90 percent of my time alone. I'm dyslexic but I know now, it's much more and I'm ok with it , I just turned 60 and love to create , love being with my grandkids, aside from that , I don't relate well, I get bored with people I absolutely relate to animals and children more than most , and people with severe disabilities find me in a crowd and run up to say hello, like I have a bullseye on my forehead. But I love these people and and completely comfortable with them . It has always blown me away how people with severe disabilities find me in a crowd , and run right for me to give a hug and say hi . Strange but this, I'm comfortable , it's like we have a understanding. I believe people even with severe disabilities have a very special trait to find others , I don't understand it but believe it should be studied, they have a insight the rest don't that they just know. Thank you so much for this video, I have felt different aside from severe dyslexia all my life as I too have some pretty cool gifts that have evened out my loss, which I really don't consider a loss , I like me and don't mind my own company .

[@heidihageman523]

This is actually really helpful explaining the circles of relationships.

[@rhllc8166]

Outstanding! Thank you so much!!

[@ripped_sushi1120]

Sarah you are a gem for the autistic community. Thank you for existing.

[@KeithMakank3]

Excellent talk!

[@cleftheart1969]

I have ASD and I never had friends or been in love and I am ok with. People are just complicating and hard to understand. I can barely keep up with myself, l love my isolation. I know it's bad but that's how I feel 🤔

[@BeckBeckGo]

Hey! Yup. I want to want that but I don't. I have had friendships that meant something to me. One in particular in adulthood. And I have been in love, but I find relationships very difficult. I always have to police myself very carefully. Relationships make me feel lonely because I'm missing myself. I'm my bestie. I'm not saying that in a sad way. I just really love being with myself and doing my things. That gets disrupted when I have to entertain someone else

[@cleftheart1969]

@@BeckBeckGo EXACTLY people are getting more shady these days. Men want women to be their mothers and raise them. People are moochers ... I'm done l find no use for people l can do bad all by myself IJS

[@barblupole6257]

Lol , wow can I relate!!!

[@julianlorenzen8548]

Amazing talk - thank you!!!!

[@Aloszka7]

Amazing speech! I'm 24 and just diagnosed, still a bit lost but slowly learning about myself again

[@Chirpstarable]

Very knowledgeable and a great communicator.

[@richardtyndall9311]

Thank you , this has helped me decipher a few mysteries and gain a deeper understanding of someone I care very much abut. :)

[@benediktornhjaltason7948]

This describes completely the history of how I have socialized throughout my life. I'm 38 and self diagnosed since 5 months, going in for assessment in 2 months. Glad I found this video, it connected a lot of dots and took my confidence level from 110% to 150% that I am autistic.

[@beatrizvignoli4053]

20:40 through 21:00 = all the puzzling little tragedies of my life explained away in 20". THANK YOU

[@nunnyabznz]

Oh no, that last minute stress when the realization of what you've actually committed to, re: social events. So crushing, every time.

[@thecompletebasquiat6872]

Autistic people generally relate best to other autistic people, but sometimes we have a hard time finding each other. I met my life-long best friend in 8th grade, both of us were the students who would sit alone during class, or wander alone during recess. We did notice each other and began talking, first about how uncomfortable we felt, and how unusual all these other kids surrounding us were. We connected through being the "outsiders."

[@karenwilliams3781]

I've been told I'm selfish because I don't always like sharing my goodies, but thanks for letting me know it's just a survival skill.

[@PAPPY8389]

Really appreciate this thank-you 🌻❤️

[@hazelpottage8898]

i always love to hear Sarah speak I enjoyed seeing her in York because as an autistic lady myself i can relate to her. Hazel

[@user-gl8lx6ft5t]

Some of my best memories: from childhood - drawing with my cousin (no talk), from relationships - cycling with an ex partner

[@PhrygianPhrog]

What a brilliant speaker, hilarious at times! :D

[@jasonneugebauer5310]

Thank you for the wonderful video. I really appreciate your presentation and the amazing working knowledge you have on how people are different and how to interact. I have tried to explain this subject to my wife and she finds it difficult to comprehend. The best analogy I can give her is "Normal people are like cows and autistic people are like foxes. The cows definitely think foxes are not very good cows and foxes think the cows are weird standing around in herds growing 'moo moo moo' all day long." Thank you again for your excellent presentation it is one of the very best.

[@l1ncs]

magnificent portrayal 👏

[@Beata8Glenn3]

She is so fantastic, the way how she describe our life, autistic life :)

[@lauracabe]

Thank you for this its so informational im part of the ones w no support no diagnosis

[@Dying.ironically]

Great stuff!

[@dianalevans9125]

You're really cool and humorous too. Thanks

[@markl4112]

Thanks for this helpful vid.

[@saikumarsv26]

Very insightful. Thanks

[@leeow3n]

Beautiful talk

[@BeckyMarshallDesign]

Thanks for the tip on that airplane landing in Bhutan... !

[@Catlily5]

You might like community gardening in Albuquerque, USA. Every time I pass one I see bunches of veggies!

[@MissShembre]

I really enjoy these talks. This also kind of sounds like my boyfriend (first and only relationship for me), and we're also suspicious that his nephew is on the spectrum. Our favorite thing is knowing that we can be companions and we both struggle with being social around others/strangers.

[@DBeautifulOne]

Thank God you've found each other. ❤

[@RattieRae]

Omigod, I've known I was definitely neurodivergent for a couple years now. Been thinking it was ADHD for some time, but now I'm not so sure because all of this was... Me. 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

[@iwlbryste]

thanks so much, very helpful

[@badhairday_24_7]

Thank you

[@mayaventour5858]

this was so helpful thank youu !!!

[@vaksehund2]

Thank you for such uplifting videos on Autism. If I lived in England I would love to work at your school. :)

[@daniellet2091]

I love the part of the community gardening. Learning bit by bit out loud.. working it out together. Sounds like such a wonderful, respectful and caring relationship. Im so happy you found each other. I work as a psychologist and i am becoming more and more aware of how i check most of the Aspergers boxes. Except for that i am very needy for contact, although it drains me sometimes. Since my partners family does seem to have a above average autism level, changes may be that my partner does have autism too. It confuses me though, that he is more the 'living apart together life' -type and is not very chatty or romantic or intimate at all, but isnt a introvert at all.. at least he seems at ease and confident in social situations. Me, however, am the more needy type in romantic situations and have a high need for intimacy. I also value chatting and shared attention a lot - which makes me feel rejected sometimes because of my high standards. In social situations i tend to be more observant and set high expectations of myself for when i 'succeed', which is total masking the fact that i am struggling to be normal/enjoying the facade of small talk and i rather talk about 'useful' stuff or add some quality to the conversation, haha. I sometimes feel lonely in my need of romantic attention from my partner, as well as the same level of 'wanting to spend quality time together'. I think it would give some rest if i knew it was his autism thing, instead of me being less appealing or less loved. I really think he just does experience and express love a different way (which is really similar as Sarah is describing in some parts of the video) rather than it is a personal thing... but since my mind has thought itself the last 27 years to seek for behavioral patterns and use them to understand and improve my own behavior or self, it makes me insecure. My partner does not verbalize as much as i do, which is a 'need' for me to understand if things are going well. I really value my relationship, but sometimes i do not feel understood. He is the calmness itself as i am more the perfectionist and therefor stressed type. I just wish somehow we could have the same constructive conversations as the 'community gardening' aftertalks Sarah describes. Would give me more understanding and more rest, as i have subtitles... Which is funny, because the subtitles cure the hypersensitivenes (i am too aware of people around me, their reactions, possible consequences - i am reading too much between the lines), instead of the more known autistic tendency to be non-sensitive to social cues.

[@haleys4899]

everything you just described is what I’m experiencing currently with my partner! May I ask for an update on your situation?

[@daniellet2091]

​@@haleys4899 Hi Haley. Update is: im less Apsergers than i thought (but i tend to exaggerate my flaws/clumsiness), my boyfriend is more on the spectrum than i thought. For example: his ease in social situations is in small talk, but not more emotional or complicated things, then he tends to get irritated and avoidant. Also i learned in NLP course how people differ in sensory processing preferences I am more auditory (Tell me that you love me), and he visual (acts, support). This gets some puzzle pieces om in place. But still lack of communication is hard for me, as is the stubborness and lack of empathy sometimes (example: he refuses marriage, even though he knows it means te world te me). But in a way i feel more calm now, because i understand more of the situation. Maybe in some way i need to be more flexible too, because instead of marriage he builds a house for us to live in (he with the employees of the company he owns). Where i see marriage as the ultimate act of love and bonding, he builds a house for our future family to live in - which has kind of the same intention/purpose. All summed up: i can see things differently which makes it more easy, but still lack of communication and will to comply with my needs or to my opinion or perspective is still a struggle - for me at least, in the present

[@mycupoverflows7811]

The part where you talk about love... Made me remember when my husband and I got back from our honeymoon and I couldn't believe I still liked him and wasn't absolutely sick of him! Every other vacation I had ever been on with anyone, I was sick of them by the end of the week. Not my husband. 🙌👏 Two odd-bods. Now we have 6 weird kids we like being around too. 🤣

[@Queen-of-Swords]

There are a lot of people like me, listening, who are thinking this sounds like an introvert. I am introvert. Doubtless some people will think I am just not diagnosed or can't accept what I am. But actually I have really good people skills. Unlike my eldest who I suspect is somewhere on the spectrum. I'm cringing on holiday, in the hotel restaurant, when she wants to go and sit near the couple we sat next to at breakfast, who I noticed really didn't like us. They were polite and friendly on the surface, but my eldest has not noticed what I did. Urrgghhh I really would happily just barricade myself in my home rather than deal with the awkwardness and rejection of trying to be friendly with people. Because I CAN always read stuff like that, I'd be happier if I couldn't.

[@krzemyslav]

I really love listening to her. 😺

[@marcypan8219]

53:12 This is news to me. I just hang out with one person at school, my best friend, and I’m very happy doing that.

[@sheryl3274]

I wish I knew about this during my teens 😭 always felt something off, and it’s just so hard. I’m diagnosed at the age of 26.

[@slogger1345]

I might be different to my male piers but, I’m far more different to everyone else. I’m 52 Autistic and have managed to have friendships with my relative male piers, I’ve put a lot of effort into this. I have suffered the most damage and pain from women in relationships despite trying harder at this than with men. I would love to change this.

[@danieldaniels7571]

I sure hope you meant “peers”

[@barblupole6257]

I'm so sorry you experienced this , how hurtful. You were definitely in the wrong company. Stick with the likewise, who understand and accept you just as you are