Navigating the Maze of Confusion: Clarifying Emotional Abuse Signs and Stonewalling in Relationships

[@pilarspratt2085]

No one could possibly explain what I went through for over 30 years with more compassion and clarity. 100% accurate and SO validating. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@chilloften]

It’s crazy to me how rampant this type of abuse is. As an adult, I’m running into this in every workplace and repulsed by it. Staying focused on my work and my things is not helping and the smear campaign just increases.

[@annetteoltmans7190]

Hi there. I'm sorry you are or have, in the past, experienced covert emotional abuse in the workplace. And seeing that you wrote, "Saying focused on my work.....is not helping." I'm really sorry about that. It places you in a challenging position. I hope you will prioritize taking excellent care of your mental and physical health. There are healthy work cultures, but you may need to dig deeper to find one. It would be worth the effort. Warmly, Annette

[@carolynrogers6218]

My health has taken a dramatic turn into breathing difficulties, major ptsd, solar plexus feels like someone is sitting on it at times, and because I can’t tolerate the yelling from him or the smashing of objects or the knives being thrown in the walls, furniture destroyed, I go across the street from the apartment to the park and set up a tent to be in for a few days. I immediately feel more relaxed, and my breathing gets better. I’m watching this right now actually in the park outside my tent. As I write out all these words it is again a reminder of the total insanity of what I have made “ok” to be treated like. I know I have a part in this because I’ve taught him how to treat me by not doing anything about it 10 years ago.

[@annetteoltmans7190]

Hi Carolyn, It's not your fault. You didn't teach him to behave this way by your enabling. Abuse is a choice. It's not an accident, and it's never the victim's fault. It is, however, imperative that you come to terms with the fact that nothing you do will change your partner. You can only change yourself. Part of the process might be to self-reflect on why you have a low sense of self-worth. This could have begun in early childhood. It needs your attention. It might be that your abuser began slowly and methodically, and now it has escalated to dangerous. It's not something to feel shame about but to get help for. I highly recommend you keep your distance and find safety. Someone who breaks things and throws knives is just one step away from domestic homicide. It happens every day. Setting a firm boundary by calling 911 and allowing the dispatcher to hear his ranting and violent behavior is one way to convey that you will no longer tolerate this behavior. I'd love for you to take our self-paced course so you can become educated on this topic and jump-start your healing journey. Be safe. Love, Annette

[@jasminebarratt1809]

Just to say EFT (emotional freedom technique) can be helpful for ptsd, I found it helpful. It reduces cortisol and help to release emotions from the body.

[@dianesellers2654]

These M3ND workshops are so helpful in bringing clarity and integrity to relationships! Thank you so much!

[@annetteoltmans7190]

I'm so glad you find them helpful. Take real good care of yourself. Love, Annette

[@alysiahite7086]

Been through it all. Left 7 years ago. Divorced 6 years. Went through all this. I ended up just not talking to him about anything. Was married 32 years and two adult kids. 5 grandkids.

[@themendproject]

Thank you for reaching out. I’m so sorry you were in an abusive marriage for decades. With that said, I’m proud of you for taking good care of yourself by leaving the abuse. Making decisions about one’s future after being systemically emotionally abused for years, takes courage and heroic strength. Good for you. Continue to take good care of yourself. You deserve to be validated, valued, and loved. Love, Annette

[@mariahernadez9702]

Wow, you’re right on point, I’ve experienced this by my ex abuser, I could literally see how much he struggled to hold himself back to get physically abusivo with me, he lost it twist in our 7yr relationship. I left him then he even cried & got all soft but never accepted that he hurt me, he said he never did that. Mostly he’d get so emotionally abusive with me, I definitely shut him down & am on a No contact basis with him because he turned out to be covert. I couldn’t believe how evil he really is!

[@annetteoltmans7190]

Hi there. I"m so glad you went no contact. You are brave and smart. Warmly, Annette

[@ivadedeva7005]

In my case between 2 narc parents very confusing! My therapists told me is - communication issues. Well I am great communicator and very intelligent, they too. I wonder those therapist what they are studying and why they take money for incompetent job! The most confusing part is that it looks like they are defending something, their immaturity, their lack of skills exc like they do not want to experience their uncomfortable emotions- but this is just another tactic to GAIN CONTROL and EXPLOIT your pity!

[@themendproject]

Hi there. Thank you for reaching out. I’m so sorry that your therapist is minimizing your experience and your parent’s culpability. Your therapist is correct in identifying your parents as having a low emotional IQ and lacking the ability to accept your differing perspectives or process your emotions in a respectful way. This may be a myopic explanation, but it is not an excuse for narcissistic behavior. Narcissistic parents cause significant harm. It sounds like it’s time to change therapists to someone who is trauma-informed and who understands narcissistic abuse and the effects on the child long-term who grew up in a narcissistic household. I would want to work with a therapist regarding how their parenting negatively impacted the way you view your self-worth, traumatic memories, and triggers. Then I would recommend working on changing those internal beliefs to build you up and to learn to love yourself well. Learning to truly love yourself and see your true value is essential if you are to choose a healthy spouse to share life with. Warmly, Annette

[@carolynrogers6218]

Yes

[@themendproject]

Thank you Caroline. We recognize the strength it takes to acknowledge and express your experiences. You're not alone on this journey, we're here to support you as you navigate the path toward clarity and healing.

[@ColetteJoseph-jb4fz]

This is so helpful

[@annetteoltmans7190]

Yay! Thank you for letting me know. Big hugs, Annette

[@andreinaescala2420]

That’s why I feel like I’m trying so hard? And only feel alone, not heard, sad, powerless, small, doesn’t really feel that my word counts. My partner always get mad at me for not finding the hostel where we are going to stay in the trips, but when I found one, he just ignores it and do it himself, and this time I actually said let’s go to this one, when we arrive he gets really mad because he didn’t liked it, found another one, and then said, I’m not going to ask you anymore to found the hostel. This off course is not the only time when I have felt that, my decisions are wrong, or I’m not capable to do things

[@annetteoltmans7190]

Yes, working and trying so hard is not sustainable for you. It might be time to ask yourself, "Why am I staying in a relationship where I am not valued?" Think about how you feel about yourself. Do you have a lot of self-doubt? Ask yourself where that comes from. You are worthy of love and respect. You can't change another person. You can only change yourself. It's up to you to determine what you will and will not accept and then to express that with firm boundaries. If you haven't taken our self-paced course, I highly recommend you enroll in it on our website. I promise the course will help you gain clarity, confidence, and love for yourself. I hope this helps you. Warmly, Annette

[@ivadedeva7005]

How much is the course

[@themendproject]

It's $57, you can sign up through this link: themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/. Please reach out with questions anytime as you move through the course. We are glad to have you a part of the community!

[@ivadedeva7005]

@@themendprojectthank you!

[@cw4091]

While I appreciate this video greatly from the aspect of understanding and empathizing with self....my concern here is the complete dismissal of the abusvie person and the relationship as well as the effect of DIVORCE on children. Yes, it is damaging for kiddos to grow up in these sorts of households. You know what could be worse? Growing up without a daddy. People do tend to grow and mellow as they get older. They have more and more to lose. This is true for both the abuser and the victim. By encouraging people to leave their spouse (which IS what you are doing, despite implying that you are not), you are stopping a natural process of family growth. Modernity doesn't value either suffering or martyrdom. Marriage is a form of both. You may have chosen wrong, but you DID CHOOSE. Your kids did not. So you are really going to tear their lives apart instead of just learning how to deal with the person YOU CHOSE? No thanks. I have four adult children and am married to a man who does everything in this video. I thank God daily that I did not "do what was best for me" and tear their lives apart so that I could have a more comfortable life. My kids are all pretty well adjusted, empathetic people in healthy relationships with non-abusive partners. This vague threat/fear you are laying on women of "your kids might be permanently screwed up" is, in fact, a form of manipulation. You don't know HOW someone's kids are going to be. You don't know HOW they are going to react. You have a bias because this was YOUR choice and you want some confirmation that you made the right one. Me telling you that my kids are healthy and happy isn't confirming your decisions. Having grown up with a mom who kept "looking for the right one" my entire adult life, let me assure you, most of the time, taking it on the chin and keeping things together "for the kids" is 100% the right choice, unless they are being sexually or physically abused. Your husband is a jackass. Check. I live with that on a daily basis. But I HAVE seen growth and change in him (albeit slow). Yes, this is exhausting. Yes, it's a pain. But who told you marriage was easy? It's a martyrdom. Narcissistic abuse is not an excuse to leave but a reason to learn and develop a backbone. Guess what your kids will learn through THAT process? You got it. How to deal with their dad or others when they try to manipulate THEM.

[@themendproject]

Thank you for your message. I’m going to attempt to clarify what the data shows. I’m not trying to change your mind. MEND supports each victim/survivor’s choice to do what is best for them. The data is precise; however, children who grow up in a home with recurring trauma face the risk of their brain development being significantly damaged. If leaving an abusive spouse provides more peace and normalcy in the home, it is better to leave than to stay in terms of family member’s long-term mental well-being and physical health. The effects of recurring trauma are clearly outlined in the ACEs study by Kaiser Permanente and The Centers for Disease Control. It followed a group of children throughout their lifetime. Contrary to your statement, I did not divorce my abusive spouse. I separated from my husband for three years. During that time, I sought help from a therapist to overcome my complex PTSD symptoms and medical attention for the myriad of health issues brought on by prolonged stress. During the same period, my husband embarked on intense abuse therapy with an expert. For the last several years we have enjoyed a loving and healthy marriage. My husband and I only reconciled after I experienced longstanding and meaningful change. I do not however, recommend victims to take my same course of action. A victim’s trauma symptoms and physical health status need to be the priority. It sounds like what you are communicating is that you value the institution of marriage more than the victim or children inside the marriage. I’m not trying to insult you. Statistics and scholarly studies show that prolonged states of high stress from emotional abuse often results in complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This condition is very difficult to manage, overcome and heal. It changes one’s ability to cognitively function and often leads to significant health issues. My immune system collapsed. I had a white blood count of 2.4. I went to the emergency room by ambulance thirteen times in one year due to sudden and unexplained drops in my blood pressure and/or blood sugar. My endocrine system was overrun by stress hormones. I came down with Lyme Disease. I was very sick and it took a long time to recover. I would never tell a victim of emotional abuse that she needed to stay and endure more while her mental and physical health continues to be compromised.The effects recurring trauma had on my life are not unique. Most victims experience similar mental and physical health challenges. To adopt a position that despite how abuse is affecting them, they should stay because divorce is worse than staying, places value only on the abuser while everyone else in the family suffers. I don’t share your same beliefs that marriage is martyrdom. Your children, apparently, have not experienced two parents in a healthy relationship. I’m thankful they have turned out well, according to your account, and chosen non-abusive spouses, but I can assure you that the statistics prove most children are significantly damaged.

[@denisevalley9021]

30 years of being treated with stonewalling silent treatment triangulation gaslighting and making a responsible for everything he did that was hurtful and hateful. Only to be discarded after 30 years. Planned it for 6 months went up to a family reunion after a week said he was never coming back

[@dollarsmum3453]

Feel blessed that he's set you free; it can take avg 7 times to try to leave, and not for lack of wanting to, but for lack of safety--court broke laws to deny me protection in the face of irrefutable evidence, and even him breaking the DVTPO 3c--they told me I had to stop filing against him when I was broken (fractured pelvis) naked, bleeding, and in my own bodily fluids--police reported prosecutor refusing me the right to prosecute, and I did nothing to deserve it--it was recorded (proof I didn't instigate) and proved he devised the whole thing for his own sadistic pleasure. Sick.

[@themendproject]

Thank you for sharing a piece of your story with us. What you have experienced is very painful, especially after dedicating 30 years to a relationship that left you feeling discarded and blamed. Stonewalling, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation are hurtful and harmful. Your feelings are valid, and we are glad you are here where you will find support and healing. We're here to provide a safe space for you to find clarity and connection as you move forward with hope.

[@themendproject]

Your story is heartbreaking, and the injustice you faced is unimaginable. No one deserves to endure that kind of cruelty or be denied the safety and protection they need. The resilience it takes to speak out about such a traumatic experience is powerful, and I hope you continue to find the strength to heal. We're here to listen, support, and stand with you as you continue on this journey toward safety and healing.

[@MayuriPatel-iw5xo]

Please can someone tell me if the “abuser” knows what they are doing - are they doing it on purpose. Or are these behaviours out of awareness?

[@chilloften]

Yes, they know exactly how to do it and how to get others on board with it.

[@annetteoltmans7190]

In my experience, abusers know that they are controlling and unkind. They usually don't act the same around other people. They hide how they behave behind closed doors. Why would they do that if they don't know it's wrong? There are some things they might not fully realize, such as their attitude of entitlement, double standards, dominance, and patriarchy does not constitute abuse. He fully knows he is bullying you and placing his needs above yours. I hope that helps. Warmly, Annette

[@ivadedeva7005]

abusers are not defensive

[@annetteoltmans7190]

Abusers are offensive and aggressive, and when the victim raises a concern, the abuser is defensive. Defensiveness is one word to describe how the abuser stonewalls conversations with a myriad of manipulative tactics. For example, blame-shifting, deflections, blowing things out of proportion, powering over you, etc. I hope that makes sense to you. Warmly, Annette

[@ivadedeva7005]

@@annetteoltmans7190 Yes! Now it makes! Called DARVO

[@annetteoltmans7190]

@@ivadedeva7005 Yes, DARVO is one tactic they use. They have an entire arsenal of manipulative tactics they will employ against you to distract the focus from their part and lay all the responsibility for the problem at the victim's feet.