Therapy & Theology: Can We Talk About the Porn-demic?

Welcome to a new series of Therapy & Theology: "Let's Stop Avoiding This Conversation: 6 Topics Women Have Big Questions About."
Parental warning: Some of the topics in the video may not be appropriate for children. Please watch and listen with caution.
Join Lysa TerKeurst; her licensed professional counselor, Jim Cress; and Proverbs 31 Ministries' Director of Theological Research, Dr. Joel Muddamalle, for a conversation about therapy and theology.
In Episode 4, we discuss the problems and effects of our world's "porn-demic" and the hope for healing.
Related Resources:
Want more wisdom as you navigate hard relationship dynamics? Find practical next steps, powerful scriptures and timely guidance on how to set realistic, healthy boundaries in Lysa TerKeurst's new book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. In the pages of this book, Lysa's personal counselor, Jim Cress, also provides therapeutic insight surrounding the topic of boundaries, helping you confidently apply what you read. www.p31bookstore.com/products...
Ready to take a personal next step in finding a Christian counselor? The American Association of Christian Counselors is a great place to find the right fit for you and your circumstances. aacc.net
Want to dig deeper? Dr. Joel Muddamalle put together additional biblical context for this episode. proverbs31.org/read/resource-...
Has the Therapy & Theology podcast helped you personally gain a fresh, biblical perspective for what you’re facing? Tell us about it by commenting below.
#lysaterkeurst #proverbs31 #therapyandtheology #therapy #theology #womensissues #mentalhealth #emotionalabuse

[@Scottish_Rose]

This destroyed my marriage. He disclosed 11yrs ago that he'd been watching when his computer got hiijacked, taking a snapshot of him through his camera and the site he'd been on etc so he had no choice but to confess. He woke me at 1am to tell me. I was 7 months pregnant with our 4th child. Everything you described in terms of the woman's reaction was spot on. I spent 11yrs of my life forgiving him daily as flashbacks to that night dominated my mind. Later found out that had a term. Betrayal Trauma. I'm a victim of childhood rape, and so I was already traumatised, and emotionally and mentally abused by my mother who turned to drink after my father betrayed her, so my stance on adultery is intense. It destroyed me heart mind and soul. I couldn't believe he had hidden this major violation of our covenant from the beginning. My entire view of him changed that night. I suddenly had major insecurities I'd never had before...and they never went away. I'm ashamed of my body to this day, carrying four kids has taken its toll and I don't look like these women. I told him I wasn't going to tolerate it. If he did it again, consider me gone the marriage is over. He didn't do much to reassure me I just had to choose to trust...and it was a daily battle. It took so much out of me. Then this past year, he became mean and unkind to me, becoming bitter and we were walking on eggshells around him, I went to avoiding him, working 13hr days and then going straight to my room because his changing moods triggered my adolecent trauma from living with my unstable mother. then he decided to come at me about what he took as snide remarks (I'd answered our son's question as to why he got up at noon instead of morning with the rest of us, and I didn't want to tell him that daddy stays up to 3am every night and I suspect as to why) and so I told him that's just the way it is. He got mad at that and said he didn't know if he could forgive me for that. All the while I was forgiving him daily for betraying me and breaking our covenant probably from the moment it was created. it went south from there. I went to his work place and saw him staring at a group of scantily clad girls...that was pretty much it for me, but I stayed, feeling numb Then one day God urged me to check his phone. On his KZbin shorts history, there were girls in short skirts bikinis etc etc and told me to leave. The kids came with me, and he didn't fight me. He just shrugged and said okay. we haven't spoken since. He's acting like I don't exist. It absolutely destroys marriage and women. on multiple levels. That aside I will never trust a man again.

[@DawnPhillips22]

"I never thought my husband would do that." The first feeling is being thrown aside, disgraced, disrespected, shame for not being enough. It sucks. And the flooding back of ALL the previous betrayals in life takes you to the darkest place. Devastating.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

We're saddened to hear your story, Dawn, and are pausing right now to pray over you.

[@angiewigington5500]

Wow. Just my exacts thoughts ! Devastated!

[@Lful101]

Dawn, I feel everything you have described. Praying for you. It is devastating.

[@shelleyd9910]

Yes Devastating! Until I heard Leslie Vernick say this “A diamond ring does not lose its value if someone throws it away” I really thought it was a personal rejection. I don’ t think I will ever have the capacity to trust a man in marriage ever again. And that is devastating too! All I wanted was to be cherished and all he wanted was the illusion of control.

[@angierose222]

We have to remember that this is a sickness, it's quite literally an addiction. Something that these men have always used to cover up their pain God loves us, we are not our husbands Holy Spirit.

[@saraheck7898]

What's disheartening is there aren't enough resources/support groups available for Christian women dealing with an addicted spouse. The groups are full and the wait list is long. Finding out is like being hit by a Mack truck. Feels like you're in a desert because it's not something a woman wants to openly discuss easily. Not to mention the high cost of Christian counseling that is out of reach to the average American woman. The churches need to step up and help with this epidemic.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for watching, Sara.

[@saraheck7898]

@@zo1820 Thank you for sharing. It seems as though we are on the same journey and similar time-line. I also grew up in church, but didn't desire to have a relationship with Jesus and lived life on my terms for many years. In the nearly 4 years since discovery (and recent 10th wedding anniversary), my faith has grown beyond measure. I've learned to lean into Him. Your comment about things not bothering you as they did really resonated with me...a true testimony of The Holy Spirit. I'm still fighting for my marriage, as more discoveries have been revealed. I'm also praying for wisdom. One of the hardest things for me to accept is my husband not seeing it as a big deal/sin, or really understanding the pain he's inflicted. Lysa and the crew do an amazing job helping us navigate life through a Christian perspective. It's such a valuable resource to have. It's also helpful to hear others testimonies, such as yours.

[@zo1820]

@@saraheck7898 I will pray for you Sara. Yes it is hard for me to understand how one’s spouse cannot see the pain they cause. We’ve been married 36 years. One practice that helped me when I felt unheard/ disrespected was just to envision Jesus standing in between us. Jesus knows the sin; Jesus knows my pain. I’m so glad you understand the power of the Holy Spirit, and the journey that life really is. I’m not glad this happened but I cannot believe it took this to draw me close to God. It seems that if my mind is occupied with big picture, I can tolerate the insensitivity. I’m not gonna lie some days are hard…….but I’m not ready to give up yet!

[@lolasen1206]

Sara, I suggest you watch Leslie Vernick -she is amazing addressing this issue. This is abuse and neglect. Just praying about this is not going to help your husband. Something needs to be done!❤️

[@ashleyv.5107]

Check out Heart 2 Heart counseling, Dr. Doug Weiss. He deals with this exact issue and has a lot of resources for women.

[@delindasmith5993]

I heard from a the sex trafficking rescue operation organization that, when you watch porn, you are in the sex trafficking business. If every man stopped viewing porn for 24 hours the sex trafficking would end. If realizing that your viewing porn is responsible for a child, young girl or boy, is being ABUSE, is on your hands, as an accomplice to a crime. This is a sobering thought and should drive anyone to repentance.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for watching, friend!

[@santerra1]

😢

[@tammiepulley7167]

My favorite comment so far. Let’s remember when someone is abusing drugs or pills, the pills don’t get hurt. When someone engages with porn it is so wrong to the actors on the screen. I never believed the actors were happy to be doing that job. That’s why I’m so disturbed be people who watch it. In my mind it’s similar to watching a cock fight (I mean the actual rooster). It’s deeply disturbing.

[@forgivemore4488]

Absolutely!!!!!!

[@lisaworcester-sx6xk]

Porn addiction destroyed my marriage. 10 years of dealing with my husband’s lies and preferring porn queens over me. I left last year after years of supporting him and his manipulating me to stay by apologizing over and over. But no change in his behavior. I had no idea how much his destructive behavior was destroying my emotional and physical health. I so hope that the Lord will get a hold on his heart and he will overcome it

[@sassafras988]

I totally understand your pain. My husband and I have been together 36 years and still continue to lie to me causing resentment and bitterness. I love my husband but I cannot compete with the fantasy of it all . My husband will gaslight me thinking/saying " it's no big deal,or. Don't start that with me again. . sorry to ramble.

[@jo.herselman]

Me too. 😢

[@shariveracruzstepp1833]

Your story sounds so much like mine!! We were married 13 years, and I tried to be supportive to him, but not for his addiction! I put up with it WAY TOO LONG, and finally I'm done and realize I should've left a long time ago. I'm praying that he'll change, and not give up eternity for a small amount of satisfaction here in earth😢

[@forgivemore4488]

Porn ended my 4 yr marriage. I was a widow. Then I married my high school sweetheart, who had become a widow as well. He love bombed me..we married...blended our families..then a bomb was dropped! He had been a porn addict for over 4 decades. I was absolutely clueless. Horrible things happened in my home! Horrible! I could not put my finger on what was going on. My spirit felt it, and I was looking, but in the wrong direction. Again, I was stunned! Porn blurred his boundaries! The world normalizes porn. It's not normal. It's selfish. It's evil, straight from the enemy! It caused so much pain. There is so much betrayal and deceit. Divorce was MY answer, as sad as it is. There was no way to salvage my marriage, after the damage he had done. Porn is not normal, it's not a joke, and it is dehumanizing. I know God has my back. I can't imagine going through this awful struggle without the Lord. Thank you Lysa for being vulnerable. You have ministered to me so very much!

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

We're saddened to hear the details of your story, friend, and are pausing right now to pray over you. Thank you for watching this Therapy & Theology video!

[@AmosandEllie]

I'm so 😔 ❤️ sorry- heartbreaking- feel your sorrow- 🌱God's tender healing, springs forth the green shoot- hugging you and will be praying 🥰🙏

[@forgivemore4488]

@@OfficialProverbs31Ministries 💓

[@forgivemore4488]

@@OfficialProverbs31Ministries 💗

[@ramtuffmama8060]

Mine disclosed at 38 yrs married. Now at 43 yrs, we separated a yr ago. Waiting to see what is the Father’s will for me.

[@jamiev7165]

Honestly, this makes me not want to be in a relationship. I feel like I'm never going to find a man who doesn’t look at porn, it just sounds too good to be true at this point.

[@bkandy7165]

Is anyone addressing the CAM GIRL era. Its no longer porn actors and sets. It is now live everyday women performing online sexual acts and personal interactions with these men. Its a new level i have yet to see addressed

[@just_bee9482]

I struggled for 30 good years. In the end my brain was literally dead. I couldn't think, work or nothing. It was about time to face reality and make a drastic change. I was not a prayerful Christian and that's virtually the case with all the "Chrisitans" who are struggling in this area. No amount of theology will help you. If anything, it will make you more confused. I had to learn to pray and fast, and study the bible for myself. A real Christian must have a daily, monthly and yearly prayer and fasting programme. If not you will never live out the victory, which is in Christ Jesus. I am running into a full year of total freedom. I will write a book about it!

[@taryndodds1390]

Thank you for having a honest conversation on this. It is long past due to for porn to be addressed. Jim I am so proud of you for fighting the good fight! A little of my testimony: I was five years old when I was introduced to porn. My babysitter was a child pornographer. I was exposed to his dark world for over a year and having to perform and engage in sexual acts until I was 6. I grew up thinking love and lust were the same thing, since no one addressed the elephant in the room. I struggled with this alone for years because no one would make space for me. As I got older this developed into a secret porn /eroctia addiction. It got to the point I didn’t even see myself or others. BUT GOD!! Thank You Jesus for seeing me, pursing me, healing me, and redeeming me. How I view relationships, others, myself, sex, and purity has been been renewed. I am so thankful I am not in the dark pit anymore. It’s not easy, but I don’t ever want to go back!

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Taryn. We're so grateful for God's redemptive work!

[@shellyt7173]

Praise GOD!!🙌🏽💙🙌🏽

[@vicwei4302]

I still experience the pain of all that went on in our marriage. I am divorced now and feel like there is a disgusting hangover. He drew me into his actions and I complied for the "sake of our relationship" and a most perverted sense of submission.

[@sandynogle8147]

I’ve been invalidated by my own mother in law, who is a Christian school teacher & her husband is a pastor, who told me that “all men do it” when I tried to talk to her about my husband. She was probably protecting her son which showed me her enabling behavior.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

I'm so sorry you're walking through this, Sandy. We're praying for you right now.

[@mirandataylor6385]

Protect your heart at all costs!!

[@annamineer2521]

No, all men don't do it. I guess her husband and her son both do? I'm so sorry. My first husband was abusive and into that. After 15 years, I couldn't take it anymore. After 9 years alone, God brought me a wonderful man who is repulsed by such things and would never disrespect me, himself or any other person in such fashion. I'll be praying for you. God has better in store for you.

[@sandynogle8147]

@@annamineer2521 Thank you. It was been devastating dealing with the gaslighting and the refusal to take responsibility for his destructive behavior. His mother 100% contributed to his attitude. I'm getting healthier and taking care of myself now. Your prayer are so much appreciated!

[@Colorado_Arise_4_Corners]

Around 18:45 it was said that there are not consequences for porn hurting others. I think to those in porn addiction, they want to believe that. Lysa also brought up the human trafficking side. I would say all these women are abused women or they would not be in this.(or men) Beyond that, which is nothing to ignore, there are many others who are affected by this addictiin! Its not only about himself. His wife/girlfriend, the kids through sins of the father and through not having real bonding relationship with their mom, and so many ripple effects. Sometimes it affects the job and his growing inability to have relationships of any kind from the shame. Then there is not hearing from God for himself and his family because of the sin. It goes on to affect multitudes! Let's break that lie from satan! This show was powerful and a well needed discussion. It needs to be seen by many many people including pastors and counselors! Thank you!

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for watching, friend!

[@jeanwold8939]

I am in total agreement. There are consequences to both the addict and the wife. The dehumanization enters the eyes and hardens the heart. I would lay in bed after sex raw and sometimes bleeding because he took so long to satisfy himself, because I was not that woman on the screen. I thought for so long something was wrong with me. Not to mention the ugliness in his heart that spills out all the time. He’s tried a half-hearted attempt at counseling but said to me he likes his “sin”. I pray for my husband continuously. Pornography is Satan’s attack on humanity. But God, He is my husband, my bridegroom, my all and everything. I cling to Him. ✝️🙏✝️

[@danielkempton9659]

Great and sooo needed talk. Here's a clue Lisa, for a man, we get the beauty without the effort. As a young 12year old boy I was exposed to it from older brother. Ruined my life. I have dealt with it now, had to retrain my brain. Satin still temps me. My weapon is prayer. It works. Remember men are far more visual.

[@WarriorLeslie]

It destroyed my marriage of only 3 years. No intimacy in my marriage and not that I did not so much desire to be with my new husband. I tried to encourage him to date me, to create a romantic environment around us. Still no response. He even blamed me when I felt rejected and abandoned by him not wanting me was because of me! I am now divorced. The Lord in his mercies has healed my heart and continues to do so.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

We're so sorry you've had to walk through that, Leslie. We're praying for you right now!

[@suzannemaroney4579]

Most men don’t even see this as a problem.💔

[@naominoble6629]

As a woman and a former porn addict…this is spot on! I look back at the life that I lived, and I cannot even believe it now. But the correlation to the drug addict is very accurate and Im to the point where I don’t allow myself to watch any movies with sexual acts in it, no commercials where they’re in their bikinis, no shows where men have their shirts off.. etc. because it can pull you back in so quickly, especially if you have a photographic memory. Because some of those things that your little eyes see… cannot be unseen! When I started to break away from that lifestyle God allowed me to see him in any situation where my memories took over and now any time those thoughts try to creep into my mind, I just picture my husband! God is good and is in the business of healing!

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for sharing part of your story with us, Naomi! We're praying for you!

[@naominoble6629]

Thank you.

[@sarahrickman6609]

Amen sista girl!! Hallelujah!!

[@MyjourneywithVanessa]

Oh my goodness 🙏 It’s so horrible what it does to people.

[@MaryOKC]

I knew my husband was lying about it and he was participating in sec chat rooms back in the day when there were chat rooms. He’d look at it and then come to me for his satisfaction… that was insulting and me being a Christian (him not), I felt like he was cheating on me. After 34 years of marriage we are now divorced - he is no longer accountable to anyone but himself now.

[@eb3644]

Yes, I kept my pain to myself for many years (though I did voice my concerns to him). 26 yrs of this trauma. Knew b4 I married and he promised it wb different. Didn’t want intimacy w me so I went down a rabbit hole of deep depression not being able to create a family w children. He’a been through at least 2 programs w no change. I’ve even offered to walk through the wife recovery program if he goes to the husband’s and he wouldn’t do that either. Breaks my ❤ for him as I know he has shame. He would say he’s a believer. He’s in bondage. I wanted so much to be cherished by him, but also wanting to be the one to meet all his emotional/physical intimacy needs. Divorced in recent years, but still praying for his miracle. This video is helping me realize his addiction runs very deep.

[@frankieweber7144]

no matter what your addiction is.....NOTHING is easy about recovery!!! This is such a huge problem in our world!!! I appreciate the topic being discussed! Addiction is selfish (I am addicted to several things) What this conversation made me realize is that my addiction HURTS others and needs to be cleaned up! we are trying to fill the hole in our soul...even if it is shopping, food, or ___ Fill in the blank...we are trying to fill that hole with a substance that will NEVER fill our empty tank! GOD is the only source that will fill our emptiness....THANK YOU LORD FOR FILLING OUR SOULS!!!!

[@yoyo19583]

How interesting that knowing we worship God, that is Spirit, and that we have an adversary (Satan) that is also spirit, and that we are body and spirit, these people do not even mention what happens in the spiritual realm-that is very real- when people watch porn. Paul says we struggle with principalities, etc, that are spiritually evil and can only be defeated with spiritual weapons. Why is the focus only on human flesh. We are definitely missing a very important part on this analisis.

[@troyannbladsacker1811]

And what about the question of soul ties. Is a soul tie formed when a man or woman has "sex" with pornography. It generally leads to masturbation. If yes, is that soul tie brought into the bedroom when having sex with the innocent unknowing spouse? I have so many questions?

[@lisaclaire4679]

Porn is demonic, period.

[@danaljohnson4]

Question #6: Is pornography adultery? A betrayal against a spouse?

[@annamineer2521]

But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. Matthew 5:28

[@TheRueann4]

Yes. I went through counseling with a Pastor & yes ~ pornography is adultery.

[@awomansstory.2019]

Yes. Even looking for the bikini model sites. It hurts when you are made to feel "not enough."

[@awomansstory.2019]

​@@annamineer2521 amen

[@troyannbladsacker1811]

This was excellent. Thank you. I've just found this site yesterday and I can't get enough of the teaching. This may have been addressed as I've just started watching but what about a biblical discussion of a spouse who flirts, whether male or female. It is painful and humiliating. I feel it is a form of cheating.

[@jo.herselman]

If I had to rewind. I would take my healing more serious than his. I'm getting a divorce after 13.years... 6 years knowing... trying to help him but at the end, I just broke myself. I should have taken my trauma healing more serious because now I'm doing the work to heal from past trauma plus post betrayal trauma plus seperation phase of divorce... Got your books Lysa and it's helpful. Thank you.

[@shellyt7173]

Many years post, I’d say to any young man or woman who gets hooked to pX, “your own heart failed you, failed to acknowledge truth. Find the truth about your fears and relate to the Right One” so you can walk rightly with yourself and stop harming others”.

[@christineskead1663]

Thank you for addressing this topic.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for watching!

[@ritabailey6267]

Finding the porn was hard, but seeing the online dating porn sites was devastating

[@forgivemore4488]

Same

[@flowerchild3312]

I have a suspicion mine is doing the same , If you don't mind me asking how did you find the online dating porn sites ? Thank you for responding

[@lauraward6883]

Very good again. Such a good group you three are together. Many healing things were brought up for the first time on such a shameful subject. Thank you very much.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for watching!

[@trinacox5135]

Makes my stomach sick but very much appreciate this talk and information

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for watching, Trina.

[@YouTubeUtah]

Also, please address the issue of loneliness. I control my life overall very well, and I'm extremely stable. Home owner, business owner, KZbin personality. I just live in a very remote area, where the dating pool is quite shallow. I sleep alone every night. I know that God is with me, and that is comforting to an extent, but the temptation for me, stems from a deep desire to be in love with a woman. I scarcely even get hugs from anyone, and society has been globally conditioned to touch others less often, since early 2020. It's easy to let my imagination run for a moment, if I'm not in control of my thoughts. Keeping busy seems to help.

[@jenn_jean_kent_artist]

Thank you for addressing this…ravaging to families.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for watching, friend.

[@teresafrancis8289]

Thank you for this Lisa.

[@tracyblake5638]

If I may, could I request that we talk about romance novels/erotica/ sex in movies and/or tv shows, especially as it relates to women? This has been a topic I have really been concerned about amongst Christian women and I’d love some incite.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for your suggestion, Tracy!

[@Webbgurl2000]

It’s pornographic too. Thanks for mentioning this

[@tracyblake5638]

@@Webbgurl2000 I don’t disagree with you at all. The defensiveness I’ve encountered when I broach the subject is heavy. It’s so rarely talked about and I see that often pornography is looked at as primarily a man’s issue. I think there’s a lot there, but I don’t think that pornography is limited to video content (especially for women).

[@annamineer2521]

Yes! Romance novels with sex in them may not be visual porn, but they're still porn in my thinking.

[@bethann80]

Romance novels are soft porn and more. They get women in there emotional needs and are a deceptive trap. I learned this the hard way!

[@abigaledavis1223]

I know my husband is into this. That’s why he dehumanizes me and wants to always throw me away .

[@nikkik4603]

Thank you for covering this tough topic.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for watching, friend.

[@susannew5940]

This was incredibly helpful and produced. Thank you SO very much and God bless you all.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for watching, Susan!

[@krisztinacadwell8602]

I really appreciate that you addressed this. And I’ve bought Lisa’s most recently released book and study guide, “Good Boundaries and Goodnyes” I hope that I can get to do the study guide with me. Unfortunately, even after separating from my husband in hopes that he would acknowledge his addiction and pursue therapy, this year and a half apart hasn’t prompted any real change, because he hasn’t been willing, in his shame, to be humble enough to even consider being so vulnerable. And besides, as he has convinced himself, this my problem, because the whole world (majority of society) has accepted regular use of porn (a porn habit), as normal. He is not a Christian, and for so long I thought that meant that I couldn’t hold him to such high standards, because the expectation that he would not be given over to porn as he pleases, is laughable to the world- simply not understood. So, he really has rationalized his addiction as a normal thing that “everyone does” and I just need to get over it and get over the past, too. I don’t see a way forward in our relationship, and I will not return to the way things were for 15 years. But I’m feeling so much less angry and certain of what I know and the boundaries that I must uphold for everyone’s good. Thank you so much, Lisa and guys for your podcast. I am learning more all the time!

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Krisztina.

[@jessicavetter3478]

I'm in a similar situation. My husband has told me that he doesn't see his addiction to porn as wrong at all. I did try to take this to my pastors for help, and was told they'd give me money for therapy, but that was it as far as their "help". The pastor told me that because my husband hides his porn trail (not well, and he has never hid it from me and has a few times openly watched porn in front of me and my daughter and I had to scream at him to turn it off) that he feels that my husband sees it as wrong - even after I told this pastor that my husband has told me multiple times that he sees nothing wrong with porn. I truly feel the pastor was projecting his own habit into my situation, and now I'm feeling even more stuck than before.

[@FearofGodmom]

Loved Joel's sobriety! Amen!

[@ronstopable23]

amen. gives me hope.

[@kellyvining7163]

This is awesome,I was there and saw it hurt my wife so bad but I thank God that she came to me and helped guid me in the right direction

[@SarahS-ix5hy]

I hate when people mention pastors using/watching this trash. That disqualifies them from pastoring, end of story. Also we only talk about "de-personalizing" a spouses betrayal with pornography. Never with any other serious issue. "OH, your spouse is on meth? Had an ongoing affair for years? Fathered a child with someone else? Just do not personalize it. You don't understand what's going on with them neuro chemically." WHAT! That is absolutely absurd! Call it what it is! It's sin. It's cheating. There is never an excuse and we need to stop making excuses. Let's talk about how the p*rn industry contributes to violence against people, including children, human trafficking, the outright abuse of the people in the industry. We need to stop talking about this issue like the people who are "caught up in it" have no choice and someone held a gun to their head! Will I catch a lot of flack for saying this? Absolutely I will! I always do! Do I care? NOT ONE BIT. The more we rationalize this disgusting behavior by blaming "dependency" the worse things get and the more families are destroyed by it.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for watching, friend!

[@jeanettedini7259]

Amen sister!! You are right on the money! And asking a partner to not “shame the porn addict” is so insensitive to the betrayed partner! If she is angry for his sin, betrayal and abuse, why is she not allowed to be angry? Jesus got angry about sin! If a man came to his wife and said I’ve had sex with hundreds of other women, would she be allowed to be angry then? Well, this is exactly what’s happening and asking her to come to him with kid gloves is more gaslighting and abuse of that betrayed partner! I CANNOT believe this is coming from a supposed man of God. But then again, I can. This is how the church continues to abuse women! This is not how Christ treated women!

[@pamelaericson2577]

Agree with you 100%...

[@TryingTheHardHikeATAdrieWashne]

I think the point was to explain the physiology. To let you know what’s going on in their body. There needs to be an understanding not only of the obvious-that it is sin, that they are an addict, but what is going on physically and mentally. It is a broader look.

[@annamineer2521]

I'm not on board with the gaslighting and excuses either. The spouse who's being cheated on feels shame that their husband doesn't find them attractive enough or desirable enough. Been thete, done that. The porn addict can stand the shame. Shame can be a powerful motivator for good. It convicts. And everyone indulging in porn should be made aware that more often than not, the porn is being made by sex traffickers with victims and not willing participants. And all children in porn are victims. And that's a whole other level of depravity. Anyone who looks at child porn is a pedophile.

[@DW-yo4eb]

Thank you and God bless!

[@raulestrada6372]

Blessings family in Christ. Children and teens also dabble with pornagraphy as well. The Lord has delivered me from this life dominating sin. 🙏🏽 Amen! Educate yourself with a program called "FIGHT THE NEW DRUG". To learn the science and mental disorders that is caused to the consumer and to discuss this major problem with our weak love ones.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for watching, Raul!

[@raulestrada6372]

Your helping me in many ways. I've been in a toxic marriage for about 5 years now. Thank you for the guidance

[@be83]

This was excellent.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for watching!

[@faithwhite3175]

No man can understand the depths of this esp when narcissistic behaviors and intimacy anorexia resulting in reactive abuse are present.

[@m.i.n.d.y]

As a friend he got me to lower my standards of not dating or marrying a man who struggles with watching porn. Then he repositioned himself to date me with my lowered standards that he helped influence me to lower. Three years of marriage and a divorce later, I now know porn addiction is often indicative of other future problems far more painful and destructive than I could have ever imagined. Never let a man influence you to lower wise, reasonable standards.

[@robzee5038]

It’s sad men/ woman who call themselves Christ followers continue to let this sin rule them for years, we will either love God more or our sin more. It’s an addiction like any other unhealthy addiction and we need to choose whom we will serve, it might take time but we must eventually choose to continue in sin or not. True repentance leads to being completely free with the help of the Holy Spirit. It might take time for it to completely leave but it will leave when we choose to exercise self control, meditate on the word of God and remain in Jesus. Our minds are meant to be transformed not stuck in this sin. Love and a pure heart cannot remain in such filth.

[@shaleshaandrews2280]

Everyone who is a Christian struggles with something and we all continuously need Gods grace and mercy.

[@SarahS-ix5hy]

@@shaleshaandrews2280 sexual sin is VERY different. "Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Corinthians 6:18-20. Abusing God's grace to live in habitual sexual sin is a very big program.

[@shaleshaandrews2280]

@@SarahS-ix5hy Yes, I know the scripture.

[@shellyt7173]

Px is an absolute tool of deception: “this won’t harm anyone, this will provide what you need when you need it and you deserve this. This will make you a better performer and improve things for you. And hey, you totally have control over this. You know where to draw the line.”

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for watching, friend.

[@yvettebennett6170]

Wow! This was amazing. To find out it was not about me, the porn addiction, but that it was something within him is so helpful for my mental state. Thank you for this talk about pornography. It is ruining a lot of peoples lives, marriages, relationships, selfworth....its all about the evil one. Thanns to you all for sharing with us here. It gives me hope. The Lord is slowly healing me. Renewing the mind is a lot of work. I can not change anyone but I can change me and how I think and respond to people and situations, the Lord helping me every moment. Blessings. 🙏

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for watching, Yvette. We're glad this video was helpful!

[@shannonwilley5246]

Some people.....become very dark after.....not the same. Christians especially. Feasting with thieves.

[@jessicalc7]

As much as possible yes.. don't condemn.. but pornography is lust= adultery! You have every right to turn tables, be filled with righteous indignation and place boundaries! Rise up and fight for yourself!

[@kristineewert6248]

Thank you

[@jld4870]

Thank you Lisa, Joel and Jim. Question that comes to mind: if porn is SO prevalent in and outside the body of Christ, why is it kept in the dark/denial? Let’s say and agree it is because of shame-what if we define shame as condemnation. Could it be that many live in condemnation because they are unsure that Christ died for ALL sins, that only through Christ-not by us (good and bad behavior)-are we free of condemnation. Another thought: again if porn is so prevalent within the body of Christ, yet many if not most church’s/bodies are silent, is that not a form of spiritual gaslighting? Why are we encouraged to remain silent…shame and condemnation? Neither of which are from the Lord. Thank you Lisa, Joel and Jim and thank you Jesus for saving us-bringing us from death to life. From Condemnation to grace.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for watching and sharing your thoughts, friend!

[@danaljohnson4]

Spiritual gaslighting…. Wow!!! I never thought about it that way. It’s funny how the church tends to sweep sin under the rug.

[@karinteeples9715]

Because pastors and others in leadership are in unrepentant sin. They don’t want it in the light. And no; it’s not because of shame it’s their narcisstic demonic spirit that keeps them quiet. Holy Spirit showed me that Narcissistic disorder is really theJezebel spirit in disguise for Christian families. It’s a spiritual problem

[@tammyculp7274]

This was heavy yet so needed! Thank you for this podcast and as always, keeping it real💔❤️‍🩹❤

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for watching, Tammy!

[@bethann80]

This is a problem for women too. Watch out for addiction to “Romance” novels. No different than visual porn, and just as dangerous. Jesus can set you free.

[@auzzygirl8175]

It's impossible to help a spouse who doesn't accept that what they are doing is dangerous, destructive and just plain wrong. Having sex with my husband after discovery and denial was like being raped. In some ways it was worse because this is a man whom l loved and trusted. Using the excuse that he might fall again as a reason not to try to get help to move away from his addiction.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

We're saddened to hear your story, friend. Pausing now to pray over your heart.

[@auzzygirl8175]

@@OfficialProverbs31Ministries Thank you so much. Much appreciated. I just found out that he was making passes at my best friend, telling her it was ok because he and l didn't have a marriage relationship. We are just like brother and sister, living together. Just when l think it can't any worse! And he doesn't understand why l don't trust him. Thank you again for your prayers and for your informative videos.

[@annatevesbanzon1359]

I didn't know that was a thing, oh my!

[@smileytheresa63]

Fantastic topic! It destroys woman!

[@MidlifeEdit]

I know this may not get seen but as someone who is the child of people who misuse substances, the term addict is very inflammable and harsh. The journey of any stronghold is hard and many move from shame and embarrassment. I know we don't want to take this lightly because all have probably struggled with sin no matter the kind and we would all want to be met with grace.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us, Christian. We're pausing to pray for you and your family right now!

[@ShawnHale-li1yp]

I appreciate the conversation at the end about men who refuse help. But one question remains and I know the answer is up to the individual and the Holy Spirit within them: Do you stay or go? When it's been years with no sign on their part to understand where you are coming from or a refusal to get help, what do you do?

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

We're stopping and praying for you right now, friend.

[@jeanettedini7259]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! I know the devastation too! Check out Wetonglen.com for some great resource for partners. Also look up Terry Crews and his wife on KZbin. He says that she set a strong boundary and that’s the only way he changed. When we continue to allow sin and betrayal, they think we are okay being abused. Sometimes separation and asking them to get into therapy with a sex addiction therapist (NOT marriage counseling) may lead them to seek help. You letting him know that you will not tolerate it any more is what is needed. And he can’t just say “okay. I quit.” There has to be fruit and actions to back it up. Sending you prayers! 💕

[@annamineer2521]

What is God telling you to do? He will make it clear if you ask and listen. Praying for you.

[@rebekahsommers4744]

My husband was addicted and I often question if he is really free from it or not because he's unable to be intimate with me. He will NOT and has not ever initiated sex. Is this just the damage from the addiction or am I really not attractive? Very difficult life to live.

[@lifestylehomestead]

It's a symptom of porn

[@kimousley7625]

I was a new bride 35 years ago when my husband wanted me to watch porn to enhance our intimacy. It made me physically ill. He cheated many times. I worry about our adult son. I pray he's not attracted to porn.

[@bodymindfaithco7697]

You should talk to your son and ask him if he does

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

We're saddened to hear of your story, Kim, and are pausing to pray for you and your family right now.

[@kimousley7625]

@@bodymindfaithco7697 he doesn't want to talk about anything. I respect his marriage

[@amywaite4083]

What about if there is also verbal and emotional abuse and physical intimidation to me in front of the kids on top of lying about recovery? What then? I had to leave 3 months ago with my kids and stay with family friends because he wouldn't leave? Isn't abusive mindset it own problem outside of the porn addiction?

[@heatherslaminski6105]

I am heartbroken because my fiancé thinks every single women is me and I am cheating. (Drug use and mental illness)

[@suebell6556]

Thank you so much for this podcast. I can imagine there is more to say. I see and hear Jim's energy as he talks about this and then briefly gives his testimony. And I love Joel calmly saying how against the image of God and our humanity Porn is. What Jim is asking women to do- be calm, don't heap shame, is asking too much. I am not my husbands therapist, and good grief, look what he has done to me, it is not wonder I am acting like a mad woman.

[@jeanettedini7259]

You’re exactly right! Many think that love and kindness will heal their porn addiction. The opposition is actually true! Strong boundaries and learning that they may lose their partner, marriage, family and life as they know it is many times the only thing that will make them uncomfortable enough to want to give it up! It sounds counterintuitive. But, it only enables them if you do not stand up to them.

[@jessiegrant9930]

Absolutely. You are not a neutral party. You are injured to the core. Jim's advice here was so disturbing to me too

[@susiemccoy7]

They need Rehab for Porn just like drugs or alcohol.

[@swissmiss857]

I totally agree. It is sin. Sin that has been hidden and protected and entertained in secret. While his thoughts are on other women he is secretly betraying his wife. This deception in itself is enough to cause one to file for divorce. And one other disturbing factor is you have no idea how far or deep their "addiction" has gone unless he tells you. Otherwise, that is another hidden secret. They are not babies they are men. The Bible says, spare the rod, spoil the child. So if we are to spank our children for sin how do we deal with our husbands who have been given the role to protect, honor, and love their wives? They also are obligated to obey God's commands. This is the point where decisions must be made by both party's individually.

[@classact9557]

It also doesn’t help when some pastors unintentionally shame you for your porn addiction when you are trying so desperately to get out of it. Saying you aren’t a true Christian if you struggle with this addiction. Citing how if Christ “freed” you from the addiction, yet a week later you go back to it, then you haven’t truly repented, and you’re bound for hell.

[@DW-yo4eb]

Is there a transcript available of this Podcast?

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

There sure is! Here's a transcript: therapyandtheology.transistor.fm/episodes/s2-e4-can-we-talk-about-the-porn-demic/transcript

[@kimpaulson4708]

What is so available now is live cam women. What is your thought on this?

[@chrisdovale1255]

Where can I join these men’s groups/communities? And what kind of counselling do I need to attend?

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Hi! We recommend finding a trusted counselor from the American Association of Christian Counselors: aacc.net

[@melissaann976]

I just finished watching this in its entirety and I still have questions. I really don’t know how to ask this tactfully, so here goes: Is it ever ok (for either male or female) to masturbarte? I understand both the therapy and the theology on pornography, but what is the therapy and the theology on masturbation in and of itself?

[@melissaann976]

@@yezkex thank you! So I guess my next question is, where is the line (that I don’t want to cross) that it becomes sinful?

[@melissaann976]

I found several articles that it is considered a sin according to the Bible. I thought I shared one here, but I don’t see it now. But in regard to your reply, I don’t know what other point there would be for it than that… 🧐

[@tammymcginty123]

​@@melissaann976 It's a wide open door to demons & the person needs deliverance. (The demons need to be verbally commanded to leave the person's body IN THE NAME OF JESUS....after the person has repented from that sin) Repentance...& renouncing the sin removes the legal ground of demons. As born again believers, Jesus Christ gave us power & authority to cast out demons. It's called the believers authority.

[@MyjourneywithVanessa]

It’s true it is on par with heroine.

[@lynnschaeferle-zh4go]

One of the reason I ended my 40 year marriage. I understand that some couples like an enhancement. When it became a 365/he a day habit. Then I started throwing up thinking about how the ladies he was using for masterbation were more than 10 years younger than our daughter. Control? Ya. Control over my lack of love in a STABLE marriage. Just as long he controlled everything we were good. Frankly it’s just sick misogyny. Women do want something else besides a Jessica Rabbit

[@shannonwilley5246]

What is original intent......no one talks about it......the true beauty......

[@seekeroftruth4591]

Is that Jim from Andy Woods videos?

[@angierose222]

We have to remember that this is a sickness, quite literally an addiction, something these men have used to cover up their pain. We are not our husbands, Holy Spirit, pray pray pray. God is faithful ❤

[@Rush4Life70494]

My husband (of 1 year, together for 3) has disclosed to me while we were dating that he has a problem with pornography. We have had dozens of conversations, and he is working to stop doing that. It is harder because I am trying to not feel insecure because I have a condition where sexual intimacy physically hurts. I'm being supportive of him, but when there is another relapse, I don't feel emotionally close to him... Advice?

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Hi Emily! Thanks for sharing part of your story with us. We recommend partnering with a counselor to help you walk through this. You can find one near you by visiting www.aacc.net/.

[@mrsh2167]

have you been evaluated by a gynecologist?

[@Rush4Life70494]

@@mrsh2167 I have been evaluated.

[@mirandataylor6385]

Do you have vaginismis? That is cureable.

[@ralph5476]

The biggest elephant in the room in the church today. And the cause, I believe, of powerless, ineffective, uncommitted men in church. And the men hush their women by saying that all men do it.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thanks for watching!

[@tilu3303]

It's not just porn - the hit can come from any imagined good and pleasurable and sought for fulfilment alone! A thing doesn't have to have anything to do with sex to be addictive and it can "look" sexual to an outsider who's looking for that angle.

[@kimberlyleonard154]

It destroyed my marriage

[@dianajin3861]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@branver1172]

When he talks about a woman discovering her husbd watches porn, what does he mean by “she revised that history back”?

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Hi, Brandie. We recommend reading the transcript for more context: therapyandtheology.transistor.fm/episodes/s2-e4-can-we-talk-about-the-porn-demic/transcript

[@dominiquerivero6611]

Control = dangerous

[@amyvalone5335]

What do you do when someone thinks that they can just drop a porn Addiction after 11 years, what type of therapy is available

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Hi Amy! We recommend finding a trusted counselor through the American Association of Christian Counseling: aacc.net

[@emilydetterer8511]

My husband like his "short stories ". I've been able to sneak a peek and what he reads is like harlequin on steroids. My problem becomes, I feel like he is wanting me to talk and act and do things the females are doing in the stories. He says he just can't read the Bible or other books, devotionals because reading puts him to sleep. Yet he reads these for hours. He hids his screen if I get too close. I've asked him what he is reading, "shot stor" is all I get and he changes the subject. He has no password on his phone, but he has the link to the stories buried very deep. Yes, I looked when he was in the shower, because he would not give me a straight answer and I was getting concerned with his behavior and avoidance. I also have had experiences with what I feel are sexual demonic spirits in our bed.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Praying for you today, sweet friend.

[@angeladrake4769]

“No excuses” (but) “he engaged in this behavior since age 12” somewhere along the way he should have GROWN UP and become accountable!! A wife should never have to hold her “poor baby” husband’s hand to make him live right. A man who looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed ADULTERY already in his heart. He’d better be on his knees begging forgiveness from God and his wife!!

[@karinteeples9715]

I’ve been going they this for 32, years , childhood trauma is devastating to their emotional growth. I know you’re hurting, but putting your bitterness on him will just hurt you both more. If you still love him, be committed to being neutral And you both heal your marriage. If you’re too pissed and can’t, then separate but Don’t tear him up. I know those feelings. They won’t benefit you or your marriage/ I hope you choose restoration. God is good!🔥🙌🏻

[@angeladrake4769]

@@karinteeples9715 I'm sorry your husband has inflicted this pain into your marriage for so long. I've experienced this in a previous relationship, but for almost 23 years I've been married to a wonderful man who remains lovingly faithful. Yes, God is Good and He is able to heal but He still expects accountability and repentence. Childhood trauma is painful but is not a license to sin. A man may try to play the poor me victim card and possibly succeed at winning his wife's sympathy, convincing her to look the other way while he continues his sinful, selfish behavior. But God sees it all and sin will not enter the gates of Heaven. I have no reason to feel bitterness toward my own husband, but I do find it disgusting that a grown, married man - especially if "claiming" to be a Christian - would disgrace his wife in this way. There is help if he wants it, but if he refuses (and you remain married) perhaps remaining neutral is the only way to have any peace. Dave and Ashley Willis have a lot of good tips on this issue and more. I wish you the best.

[@lifestylehomestead]

I so appreciate this! The Bible NEVER coddles sin. We don't get to make excuses! We are commanded to simply STOP and REPENT! No wonder men are so weak when they get all these ridiculous passes by "well meaning nice ladies" to stay babies.

[@geraldsauceda9951]

Michael Todd speaks on this

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Thank you for watching, Gerald!

[@blakelewis857]

Thanks for this video, guys, and much needed. I'm curious why often the action of masturbation is not discussed with this topic as they often go hand-in-hand. I've seen in my own life that in taking porn away I still have what almost feels like a physiological bent towards towards sex (which is natural I think) but then goes beyond the natural in just giving in and choosing to mbate, which is unnatural and unhealthy as well. I remember the process of quitting smoking that it was often like trying to kill an urge and habit that just felt too strong to overcome/get victory over. Its like that w/ mbation.. If you have thoughts or resources to recommend on this I'd love to hear them. Be blessed!

[@jeanettedini7259]

Maybe it’s still trying to “medicate” a painful past in some way? I think working with a CSAT therapist and getting into a support group might help to unpack what’s going on. Dr. Doug Weiss also has some great videos, resources and Intensives. I’m currently reading his book The Final Freedom. I highly recommend it! 🙏🙏🙏

[@Psalm_27.4]

@Blew It could be a demonic stronghold on your impulses and emotions. I recommend that you start with a short fast -like one meal- and pray to God and ask Him to reveal the root of your issue. You may find that more than one fast may be very insightful. I also recommend that you learn to RENOUNCE the strong emotional and physical urges, verbally out loud, AND by writing down your renunciation. There is no magic in writing it down. However having a written record of your renunciation will certainly strengthen your confidence in your warfare. I actually believe that demons like to make our yearnings MORE intense than they really are, and they seem SO REAL, when they are amped up by supernatural demonic powers. You will likely have to renounce these feeling more than once. Eventually I believe that they will simmer down. One of Satan’s secrets is to HEIGHTEN/AMP UP fleshly desires and cravings, so that we feel overwhelmed by them, and we think that they are OUR feelings. Well, I think that they are our feelings, but that they have been supernaturally TAMPERED with and EXAGGERATED !! This is why RENOUNCING the feelings IN THE NAME OF JESUS may be very important to do. I had to do this with missing a boyfriend that I broke up with. I had such deep yearnings. I believed that the Holy Spirit revealed to me that these feelings were tormenting and were over the top! I renounced them-whenever they came. Finally they simmered down, and I was allowed to heal. I’m not saying that renouncing the feelings is a panacea, but I believe that it is a good strategy to use. Please do not hesitate to seek professional help. However, just realize that since porn is rooted in demon powers, and that Ephesians 6:10-18 tells us how these demon powers are, and how we are empowered to deal with them. This passage will take some study, so don’t look for instant insight. It may take time before the Holy Spirit reveals light, but it will be TRUE LIGHT! All Grace to you, in all ways.

[@blakelewis857]

@@Psalm_27.4 Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts here!

[@suzannemaroney4579]

I think another important question, is why women even betray themselves to choose this occupation.

[@jillebeling8237]

There is porn in anime incase parents don’t know. My husband is entering th field now.

[@solideogloria6569]

Porn addiction is really a PRIDE addiction.

[@denisemciver4947]

I believe that you have broken covenant from him watching porn! Right? Because the Word says that if we even think about it we’ve already broken the Marriage covenant.

[@sharonmagdalenebooysen2874]

I am married to husband now separate from my husband for 10years,but to be married to a Christian husband is embarrassed 😭 for women,but i was angry 😡 not inform,but after researching,it opens a door for not satisfied their sexual lust,my husband end up incarcerated for rape,as 😈 old men,having his 60years in prison,it's painful 😖

[@evalizandrades6476]

Thank you all for this conversation. Just another point to explore in the future .Based on what jesus said in Mathew 5:28 , would that make pornography a form of adultery? And if 68% to 74% of men are engaged in this , including pastors, leaders, husbands etc… 😢how come the topic of divorce ( under the grounds of adultery) was not discussed? Or even the topic of the dísqualification of leaders in the church engaging in this? Why do we shy away from this kind of conversation and option/action plan for the victims? Just like Lisa said we hesitate to use the word “abuse” I believe in the christian community we also shy away from using the word - Divorce- because we value more institutions than individuals… thus disempowering ( and re-victimizing ) the most vulnerable members of our communities-(women, children, youth, the elderly, the poor, the orphans, etc in our churches) who are usually the ones suffering these types of abuses. We lean to heavy on forgiveness without the balance of justice and deliverance for the victims…

[@annamineer2521]

I absolutely believe that viewing porn should disqualify anyone from participating in ministry. If it doesn't at any church then I'd be finding another church.

[@kimortegastrongwarriorbrid5334]

Dopamine makes you feel loved and affirmed, and EXCEPTANCED. This is why the dopamine release is so addictive.

[@rosettemarshall3024]

How great is it when mixed with shame?

[@kimortegastrongwarriorbrid5334]

@@rosettemarshall3024 shame comes after the dopamine high comes down

[@suzettewalsh2854]

I knew my husband was watching porn from the time I had my third child because I caught him; I never made a big deal. I said you still watching this that, but it ruined my marriage. We stopped having sex later I found out that not only was he doing this, but he was a sex addict and was going to prostitutes, and eventually even transgender! I dragged him to a religious retreat before I found all this out! I really didn’t think the porn was such a big thing but when they watch porn like that, eventually they get erectile dysfunction because they can’t get aroused by normal sex! he said he would watch porn hub and switch from all these different images! From one image to another; how could any woman ever keep up with this it’s unrealistic! I just got divorced it’s heartbreaking. This is not what I expected at age 60 and he was doing this and he’s 70 years old.! will they ever grow up? It’s ridiculous.

[@suzettewalsh2854]

Btw he brought me home two STDs! That’s how I found all this out

[@jessiegrant9930]

I like listening to this show sometimes and I don't feel the need to agree with every perspective presented but I thought the therapist's take on what the wife's response should be to be invalidating, outdated and completely in opposition to the last episode about women's voices. Jesus reacted in non sinful, somewhat violent anger to His temple being violated by the "religious" people who ought to have been trusted there. Asking a completely traumatized wife to erase herself into a calm, cool, collected loving response to massive betrayal is inhumane and frankly unsuitable. She is not his biggest supporter in this "battle." She has just found out their marriage has been completely invalidated by her spouse's behavior so no. The therapist also sends very mixed and hurtful messages here when he says 100% of men in his informal survey would be turned on by walking in on their wife viewing porn. This showcases how out of touch with the actual problem he is here. Saying that a shaming response at discovery is inappropriate because these husbands are living in shame already, and at the same time normalizing some kind of "boys will be boys" attitude about it by claiming this is a "normal man's" response to a situation involving porn and his wife.....is just so out of touch. This kind of response in a husband would only show that there is a lot of deeper healing to be done and he still needs a more redeemed view of what sex and intimacy even is. It does NOT show that this is how a set-free man would react. Yes, we can expect better from men. And no, a wife cannot "fix" her husband's problem in the bedroom any more than she can fix it by stifling her own outrage and heartbreak for his sake. She can call him to account and tend to her own wounds. Cheating is a cheater's problem. Marriage therapy is not the solution to any form of abuse including infidelity. Individual therapy is appropriate for both parties before reconciliation can even be thought of. I had to understand this before any type of healing started to happen in my own life.

[@jessiegrant9930]

If you want healthy Christian resources on this topic that are not invalidating to betrayed spouses, try looking up Andrew J. Bauman, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Sarah McDugal

[@jeanettedini7259]

AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!! This needs to be shouted from the rooftops! This was SO wrong on SO many levels!

[@danaerakstad7924]

The response if a husband walked in was not okay.

[@jessiegrant9930]

@@danaerakstad7924 it really appears he was just telling on himself with that response. Unfortunately Christian porn user recovery back in the day (like "Every Man's Battle" style) had nothing to do with curing the mindset or getting to the root of the actual sin, but just focused on behavior modification--going from looking at women lustfully to ignoring them entirely if they're attractive because the lust can't be helped, A LIE from hell that hurts both men and women.

[@pamelaericson2577]

O my goodness...such a great response. Walking this walk right now.

[@theadvocate3006]

When the LORD spoke IT IS FINISHED over my marriage after I discovered him cheating. I listened and moved accordingly. The HOLY SPIRIT will lead and guide. Pay attention and be obedient. God's got you!

[@bree3]

I found out my husband of 9 years was watching porn and crossdressing. On top of that, he's an alcoholic. He wont repent and has been excluded from our church. I'm losing hope.

[@OfficialProverbs31Ministries]

Praying for you today, friend!

[@cathyschneider6640]

No intimacy

[@stephenknox7530]

Men are endlessly beat up for this. It is wrong. There is no way around it. However, if a man is experiencing intimate rejection in his marriage, the temptation is greatly increased. The church is very reluctant to teach today that sex is not optional in marriage and part of the marriage covenant. It is sin to deprive a spouse in a prolonged, habitual way. Why don't we ever talk about this? In my small church, there are multiple marriages in trouble because of this issue. However, it is never talked about.

[@pabs5270]

Yes, the dominate teaching is that it's 95% the mans fault. Men have a stronger sex drive (by far generally) than woman. When a woman repeatedly says "no", she is not a good wife. Sorry ladies, but when you marry, you need to take care of your man's sexual desires--even if you don't 'feel like it'.

[@pilatesstrong2621]

My husband masturbates (without porn-so he says) and it feels like he’s cheating on me. Choosing intimacy with himself over me, is cheating. Why should I be vulnerable with a man that cheats on me?! I’ve been sexually abused in childhood, so trusting him with my body is a struggle at that point. Find out why your wife is not intimate with you. Is she tired because she is doing all the cleaning around the house? How much help do you give her? Is she exhausted mentally? Sex for us is very mental. It’s better worth your time to be brave and ask and be ready to face the reality that maybe you need to step up. Also, is sex mutually enjoyable or are you getting more out of it than she is? Are you taking the time to figure out what your wife needs sexually?

[@pabs5270]

@@pilatesstrong2621 My wife is not sexual w / me because she said "been there, done that...and we're old now..get over it." I still have a strong desire towards her. She is hard hearted.

[@christineclark9443]

@@pabs5270 then get a divorce...don't justify or enable bad behavior on either side

[@karinteeples9715]

Why haven’t YOU talked about it? With her and your church. Only you know that answer 🤔 Stephen Knox