Our Marriage Story: What We Wish We Knew and Did Differently

[@chelseabradham3889]

My parents aren't a perfect match, and their marriage has certainly never been a fairytale, but gosh darn are they committed to each other. They've been together almost 45 years. I asked my mom how they did it, and her answer was 1 commitment, 2 being a team (meaning show up for each other and don't just talk at each other when you disagree but find a solution together), and 3 having realistic expectations of the other person and being willing to adjust those as you learn more about each other and you grow and change.

[@activatedcharcoal]

This series of videos has been so surprisingly reassuring. When you first announced the divorce, I felt soooo pessimistic, like "Well if *they* can't make it, then what chance do the rest of us even have??" and even a little resentful "Why in the world are these two handing out marriage advice while in the middle of a divorce?!" You two have really done a wonderful job of walking the viewers through the way that the principles of therapy have benefited you both through this process and have really made me understand how this IS the best outcome.

[@pinkitten1712]

From the videos, y’all’s opposites were y’all’s strengths. Coming together as a power couple. I’m not surprised you guys are strong after the divorce. Theres a lot to admire from both of you in each of your different ways.

[@SaucyJTD]

This video is fantastic. You both absolutely do not have to share these things, and I'm grateful that you guys decided to share them anyway. The insights are incredibly helpful ❤️.

[@MendedLight]

Thank you so much! 💜

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

None of us can predict the future. The wise person greets the unanticipated future with humility and ability to always adapt and reassess who we thought we were and where we are going

[@carokanal1896]

I find it incredible that you are turning a divorce in a tool to learn from wach other and appreciate the time you had with each other and still support the family in the future. It is so rare what you two accomplished.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

"Commitment is a thing; hopefully that commitment is equitable" beautifully said

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

@@whitdent2031 If it's not equitable, it's exploitation. Commitment simply means 'I will put in maximum effort and good faith on my end' NOT 'I sign up to be exploited indefinitely'.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

@@whitdent2031 Ab*sive dynamics exist my man. And can happen decades into a relationship. It is a very common dynamic for women to find themselves married to someone who becomes abusive only after children, or after they lose their job, or after they get drinking issues.....Your take is not empathetic and is close minded. Listen to women instead of talking over them.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

@@whitdent2031 Yes you did imply that. I do not care if it was wittingly or unwittingly, but you used the exact same rhetoric that is used to guilt abuse victims to stay, even at great risk to their children and themselves. Society puts more than enough pressure on people to stay married. If someone is seeking divorce, they have tried more than enough to make the commitment work. ALWAYS be aware of whether someone is treating you fairly. Always. And the people on this channel, including myself, will have no patience for your rhetoric encouraging women to be taken advantage of. There is zero tolerance for that on here.

[@Falcon89]

One of the most compelling things about relationships (romantic and platonic) I ever heard another person say was a professor in my interpersonal communications class in college, and it was simply "collaboration, not compromise". The idea is that in compromise, the context is both people are sacrificing something for the other, whereas collaboration is bringing together what they have that is compatible to accomplish the best resolution or build the best result from those parts. It shifts the perspective from "I'm giving something up" to "I'm getting to contribute to something", and it all has to do with moderating expectations, going into challenges without preconceived notions that don't pan out and leave unfulfilled desires that rot into resentment.

[@micheleosullivan3122]

That photo you shared tells your whole story. That’s so beautiful and displays the commitment you and your children have made to be an incredible family for yourselves and each other. You’re fortunate to have each other for this journey, and your children are blessed to see such an example of grace and generous in sharing your with us.

[@HopeWarrior22]

This all makes sense to me and resonates deeply within me. The issue is my husband doesn’t feel the same. Even though he sees our marriage deteriorating and the resentment and frustration growing to a point I’m worried there will be no friendship left, he still is determined to stay married. I don’t have the funds to just go…nor do I want to cause a rift in our friendship by just leaving. So… still praying and wishing for either a change of my heart or a way out that causes the least pain. Your story series is really helping me feel my epiphanies and emotions are not evil and perhaps healthy. Thank you!

[@lauraneira5086]

Thank both of you. I had a similar kind of relationship as yours. It’s been a roller coaster of feelings for me everything that you shared. It was difficult for me at first to understand the divorce but now I think I’m in a more open space to get it. You’ve definitely helped me to heal. Through this series I realized a lot about me that I don’t think I would have seen if not reflected in others. That helped me grow and finally I let go the goal oriented approach I gave to relationships. Thank you again, you really didn’t have to share but you definitely helped someone by doing it ❤

[@amandahelton4546]

I have also started the process of divorce this year: including moving out of the house, getting an apartment, splitting time with kids, etc. It's so incredibly difficult to maintain a positive relationship with an ex-spouse amidst all of the changes that both parties are forced to go through when the marriage itself falls through. My ex-husband and I maintain a friendship, but it has taken a lot of growth to get there. I admire letting others into your inner world in order to help others navigate similar circumstances and show people that divorce does not have to be the end of the story, and it does not always have to end badly.

[@brandycarr5378]

You have a great friendship and co-parenting skills! Things happen and over time people change. You realized that it wasn’t working. I wish you two the best and a wonderful, happy life. 👍😊

[@MendedLight]

This means the world to us. Thank you. - Jonathan

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

We all are on a healing journey. We are proportional to the work we've done. And this constantly evolves. Hopefully forward and not backward (and if it's backward, hopefully is to go forward).

[@MendedLight]

Amen!

[@NickWeddington-qc5sb]

The content that y’all have made through Mended Light I consider to be one of the most positively impactful influences I have come across in my life. I wish I could show the level of gratitude I feel for the opportunity to learn from the work that y’all have done. Best wishes

[@MendedLight]

That is so kind! Thank you so much for being a part of the community and watching these videos. We are so glad to hear that they are a positive impact in your life. What has been the most helpful thing you have learned? 💜

[@StephanieKatayamaLoayza]

Hi guys, I just wanted to say how brave I think it is to share all these insights on your relationship. It can't be easy, but I agree on how many people will benefit from your testimony. Also, I do believe that this part of the journey you travelled together has been an opportunity for both of you to grow in aspects you couldn't have done alone. So cheers to that, and thanks for your light!

[@whitdent2031]

Your family is beautiful. So beautiful and precious. I feel deeply melancholy listening to this, and yet when you talked about the light in your childrens eyes, I felt hope. I guess to reiterate what you said about your worth not being tied to outcomes, I felt the hope in the light of your children's faces. Thank you!

[@shereejoalan8006]

I appreciate your honesty so much. My husband and I just celebrated our 24th anniversary. I am an empath and my husband is a self professed narcissist. Our marriage was horrible until our 18 year and he had an affair I found out about. I put my foot down finally and our relationship changed drastically. He still doesn’t know if he has ever loved me, but feels strongly that he wants me in his life. I do love him very much and we feel strongly that we will stay together. We are very different, but he tells me I make him a better person every day.

[@redheadchick1585]

He needs therapy on top of that to overcome narcissism.

[@tankalove1749]

She knew better. Actions mean more than words. You can’t change your partner’s behavior or values. She knew but probably just wanted a good father. I’m sure she loved him but knew he wasn’t a match.

[@wendychavez5348]

Some couples are stronger as friends than in a marriage. You two are a poster for that idea! My ex-husband and I made a similar choice in 1997. I didn't want to go the divorce route because it wasn't supposed to be part of my universe, though after a few months I realized that, if only one of us were trying to make the marriage work, we'd only end up resenting each other. Instead, I chose to give each of us room to retain good memories of each other. 10 years later, he found me on Facebook, & I surprised him by accepting his friendship request. I never stopped loving him, he still has good thoughts toward me, and none of that would have been possible if I'd kept him trapped in a marriage that was no longer good. Im happy that you two have shown me how right I was! It was sad when you first announced your intention to divorce, though it didn't take long to see that you're still an awesome pair of human beings! You don't need to be a couple or a single entity in order to complement each other, and now you can keep what's good about your partnership without drowning it with negative elements. When I grow up, I wanna be you two!

[@ParkityParkPark]

My wife and I are very similar to y'all - we're basically polar opposites and there's a lot of typical gender-role reversal. On top of that, she comes from a totally different culture and language background on top of growing up in a very abusive home. Literally everything about our relationship has been growing pains and dealing with conflict, but what's made it work is that we're always trying to move towards each other. One of the big things I've been learning about lately is the boundary between what is and is not appropriate/healthy to sacrifice or to ask your partner to sacrifice. There are obvious things like needs vs wants, but some things are less obvious like wants vs comfort which can have different levels and is more nuanced at times. Sacrifice is important and is a major pillar of a relationship, but sacrificing too much or too little can result in a relationship that is unbalanced, distant, and lacking in the energy and attention it needs to thrive. What general advice would you give on the concept of sacrificing for your partner in a relationship?

[@gyongyverdr.tamas-kovacs7164]

No easy way. Either you heal long and then have to struggle with creating a family, dealing with integrating your spouse in the family, or you don't heal enough and then struggle in your marriage, even divorce. Noone gets away from doing a huge, disguisting amount of work. I was shocked when You announced that you were getting a divorce, but I feel like I healed enough from the experience. Thank You for being transparent, God bless Your individual love lives! Emily from Budapest Hungary

[@loulouober62]

So sad to hear this . I remember thinking when I first found you that having 5 kids and 2 careers is so hard to make it work. You both are very honest and smart and have helped a lot of people . I remember worrying a bit when I saw that he was not wearing a wedding ring .... not sure if that was before or after. Nevertheless you have wisdom for all of us even with this compassionate coparenting phase because a lot of people need this information.

[@MendedLight]

Thank you so much!

[@babak-k6t]

So educational, so up to the point. One of the best videos out there ever.

[@MendedLight]

Jonathan here. Thank you so much!

[@ck2d]

The rain makes it look better. But maybe I'm not the best judge - I draped my tree with garlands made of pale orange, baby pink, and silver disco balls. But I never wear my glasses at home, so to me it looks like there are massive bronze bands of light wraped around the tree.

[@flixfixonyt]

This is beautiful! You guys are so brave!! 💞

[@MendedLight]

Thank you so much! - Jonathan

[@Piecesoftheshadow]

I think people can absolutely be incomparable to a point where no bridge can be built. I really appreciate how you guys share your experiences with all of this. I really admire it snd aspire to heal to be more like this in relationships of any kind.

[@MendedLight]

This is so lovely to read. Thank you for seeing us! - Jonathan

[@KyraClark-j8j]

The ad in this video was like “there’s one sure fire way to get your wife back when she wants divorce. And it’s definitely not couples therapy

[@Dottywalkers9]

Those pick up artists saw an opening and went for it 🤣

[@asknikkiculpepper]

You guys seems to be textbook Enneagram nine and enneagram eight in a relationship! I hope everything feels good in your future relationships.

[@tinamcguire3660]

It's interesting to me that your children are doing so well. It seems like you've basically said or implied that because the two of you have a healthy relationship your children have done fine with your divorce. Is that the case? I'd love a video that goes more in depth to that. I've wanted a divorce for over two years and one of the reasons I won't is because I know it will hurt my son.

[@sorshae.elsbernd]

I've also found Keys to the Kingdom as well as The Queen's Code, both by Alison Armstrong to be really helpful!

[@MendedLight]

Thank you for the suggestions!

[@libbyannbest1723]

I asked my husband to marry me. It took him a few months before saying the magic words, "Okay". We are happily married for a few years now.

[@Kaseyjusthereforthecake]

Okay

[@andreafeelsfantastic]

Alyssa Grenfel talks about how the Mormon cultures insistence on dating seriously only if you’re on track for marriage causes people to get married sooner than they really probably should. Do you feel like that played into it for you?

[@MendedLight]

Not for us. We got married late by Latter-day Saint standards.

[@jamesmoore-n1k]

sorry man im all messed up and sad. Much love to you and your family. thank you for cinema therapy, and all of your good works🫂🙏

[@fruityeva]

Love the video so much!❤❤❤ Thank you!!🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻I love your channel so much🥰🥰

[@MendedLight]

You are so welcome! - Jonathan

[@fruityeva]

@ 🥰🥰🫶🏻🌞🌞

[@katebee945]

I respect that you guys don't want to talk about specifics, but without specifics I find it really hard to learn anything applicable.

[@rebeccapiamonte]

This makes me sad 💔

[@smcb2202]

You made a choice to marry and unless one of you was unfaithful I think since you worked it out being divorced you could have worked it out being married… that is the for better or for worse. You give and take now, but you could have done the same married…

[@SS-hw9vu]

There's NO way to guarantee? I appreciate the video and that's your perspective based on your experience of life. But I disagree. I've seen dozens of examples of people who have married the "right" person and knowing that their commitment is the trajectory they were sticking to and made their decisions (yees, towards a happy life) in alignment with that trajectory.

[@geeky_sasha6813]

That’s still *not* a guarantee. Your partner can change, tragedy can strike. The only guarantees in life are death and taxes.

[@Morpha-Ahprom]

💖

[@johnphamlore8073]

In another channel there was a real-life story of a spouse who had a mountain bike accident, suffering permanent disability and brain damage. As a hypothetical to Jono and Alicia, suppose earlier in your marriage such a situation occurred. So what would have been your reaction -- would it be that's the breaks life dealt, but death do us part, so resignation to a possible lifetime of caregiving to the other; or would it be that it would be okay to divorce, because the other would no longer be any use to help you achieve your lifetime goals? Might I suggest that for at least one of you, the second option would have been chosen, so that in effect, at least one of you never really agreed to get married at all. You just repeated the words of your wedding vows as performance art without intending to ever follow through. Furthermore, if someone is divorced three times, there is little evidence they either have any idea of what they really want in a lifetime partner, or that even if they did, that partner simply does not exist in a realistic fashion for them. Even if you knew for certain all of the checkmarks you really require, what are the odds you do all of the following: meet this person, find this person to be available, convince this person to commit to you, and solve the problem of being together in the same time and place. I am sorry, but for most of us ordinary people, what is being advocated in this video as standards for remaining together after marriage is simply delusional if one wants good chances to meet and commit to someone for a lifetime.

[@misterwishart]

You've posted this hypothetical a few times now. Is this idea some kind of fetish to you? If so, how is your therapy going?

[@the_piano_nerd4960]

Delusional? Honey the guy is a therapist. Just because something doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean it can’t work and work well for someone else. No need to attack people and give unsolicited “suggestions” to people you don’t know?

[@MendedLight]

Apples and oranges. We believe in healthy relationships and mental health. The choice we made was the best route for both of those things. Do not judge an experience you've never had.

[@cmleibenguth]

​by that logic, you can't give advice to patients with mental health disorders that you do not personally experience. You can absolutely judge something without having experienced it yourself. For example, I would judge a relationship with domestic violence as unhealthy, whether or not I have experienced it myself. @@MendedLight

[@dylanhiroki9067]

Never go near a man who doesn't know himself or know what he wants. He'll just go along with anything. It's not a partnership. You're just carrying a loser.

[@Fireflies2202]

Well I think your words are a little bit harsh, but I know what you mean and I agree.

[@whitdent2031]

I don't agree. A journey to discover oneself can take a lifetime. If a man is agreeing to put up with you, it's because what he wants out of life is YOU. For some men companionship IS the goal. And if you find one like that, you're lucky.

[@fantasyrealms69]

Jonathan, I just need to say you looked like you aged 10 years since the divorce. Please take care of yourself. Your ex wife seems to be doing fine, but you look like you are constantly on the verge of breaking down but trying to hold it together. Am I the only one who is getting that impression?