Unhealed Fearful Avoidant: Identifying Healthy Relationship Feelings | HealingFa.com

[@nikstar1313]

I have literally left SO many “healthy” guys.. I convinced myself they were repulsive and deep down it felt boring and the lack of passion omg yes was unnervingly strange as I was so used to chaos with those hits of intermittent reinforcement. I can’t believe myself, I am triggered by my sicko irresponsible father and highly codependent mother (both narcissistic but mother is covert) who chose to taunt each other until one died. Three years into my journey and really in the thick of it. Thank you so much Paulien

[@neko_neko9]

Omg I remembered how me and my husband started dating and he said that he liked me no matter how I looked that day. After anxiously clarifying and realizing he meant it, I felt so EMPTY inside and the accompanying thought was, "Well, then what's my reason to take care of myself and try to be beautiful, if he just accepts me?" I like taking care of my appearance and now I do it primarily for myself, but I vividly remember that disappoinment, as if my only reason to do that was "working hard " for some guy who might otherwise reject me

[@bobcascaddan8850]

Taking care of yourself and trying to be beautiful is not a prerequisite for his love, it is a way of you showing your love and respect for him. It isn’t about perfection or performing, it’s about giving and providing. It’s a gift.

[@peacenquiet77]

“Love is meant to be found in the depth of THIS moment” -Paulien Timmer ❤️

[@GraceNgo]

I know! How profound and beautiful. 😭

[@turbgar]

Very relatable. I only recently realized I am a FA. I usually leave or won't enter into relationships with people who are kind and "healthy" by convincing myself that I am the problem in my past and all I'll do it hurt them and they don't deserve to be traumatized like I am. :')

[@bennyton2560]

thank you for touching on the fact that SA's can behave or leaning towards anxious or avoidant when dealing with an insecurely attached person tho! It is never a fixed state of being, and as people connect and form relationships, even the SA's are going to "shift" and adapt in this common space, even if it can seem unhealthy by its direction. It doesn't mean we are false or unhealed, it just means we are human

[@Zoe88859]

Hi Paulien, I just wanted to say a sincere thank you for everything you put out. It feels so scary and amazing to finally understand - everything resonates so much and makes my behaviour in ALL of my past relationships finally make sense. I also want to say a huge thank you to your husband for being comfortable with you speaking honestly about the all of the negative thoughts you had about him and the relationship. His lack of ego will help SO many people, as a lot of these thoughts I had no idea were simply due to my attachment style, and I still wouldn’t unless I had heard you mention them. Thank you both so much 💗

[@rocwilder85]

So I came to this page because I was dating someone (or rather many women) who was emotionally unavailable. I wouldn’t understand why and we would have a great connection as well. Then I found your videos and realized how she was like this. Well she had parted ways w/ me but now I’m the fearful avoidant with someone who actually is available, loyal and a great person. She is there for me and very supportive yet I just want to run away. We have a great connection as well! I realize now that I too am a fearful avoidant and I am just rewatching your videos and fully understanding now how I want to run away so bad to something I think is “good and safe” when it really isn’t. It’s interesting how life is! Thanks for your videos because I felt like I was the only one. Glad to know I’m not and that it takes work to change your old ways.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

So happy you are here Christopher!

[@sylvievachon1020]

Yes I dont want that up and down anymore ..I love being stable

[@rebecca9949]

I would be interested in a video on your entire healing journey!

[@tarfahalhosinan2368]

Yes please 😍

[@tinywhiskers30]

I can definitely see these things in my relationship, so I’m glad you talk about them in this video. Through my healing journey I been able to enjoy my partner more and the relationship doesn’t feel as boring anymore but I still have to hold my self back from blowing up a minor flaw into a situation just to get those highs and lows. I know I can heal it though! You taught me that Paulien❤️

[@mariea.1015]

Hey Paulien! Yes we are interested in hearing your healing journey from start to finish 😊

[@jessiz-]

Aww, I'm FA with a secure / anxious-leaning partner, and I could relate to a good number of these things! I feel heartened by the progress I see... things are seemingly getting more stable. I still struggle with feelings of how to be, when things are normal and stable. Ah, I can definitely relate to questioning their love (not being repulsed though), yes, feeling like I had to work for it, be better because I wasn't deserving enough. It's becoming easier for me to accept and give love now though 💖 I loved what you said about feeling the love in the depth of the present moment. Thank you, Paulien!

[@kostandina99]

I just want to say that your channel and new programme has saved my life. I’ve learnt so much about myself, even things I wasn’t aware of. I can’t put into words how it feels to be so understood and heard, and for someone to articulate how I have felt since I was young, so very well. Everything you mention in almost all your videos is pretty much everything going through my head. Very grateful ❤️

[@naomiyehdego6119]

this channel is amazing.

[@kathyhoedl9151]

Thank you So much for sharing your insight. I just found out I have a fearful avoidant attachment style. I was freaked out by this at first but now I want to heal and grow up out of this. You have brought me some comfort by listening to what you are sharing. Thank you for being there!!

[@lynntritton7029]

Please make a video about your whole healing journey ❤

[@yellowrose0844]

How do I know if it is my attachment style making me doubt the relationship, and not because I am just with the wrong person? It is so hard to know what the truth is :( I keep giving it more time but I still feel so confused x

[@inthedetails5467]

I think that’s just your mind trying to find or make up faults as a means to justify ending a relationship to protect yourself. If you have the same core values, mutual attraction, and there’s no abuse or cheating, then I think you should stick around. I think you might feel you’re needing something subconsciously, so try communicating to yourself and your partner what you feel is missing. If it objectively is fixable or insignificant, then I think it was just the fearful avoidant brain kicking in.

[@gisseller9761]

this happens to me too. I get a lot of anxiety or uneasy feelings when i am with my partner which I never had before. Now every time we spend time together i get this urge or overwhelming feeling to tell him how i feel or what i’m going through. I end up feeling bad because i notice i tend to talk about my feelings so much and it started to affect our relationship so I am trying to change that. It’s hard to communicate with my bf what i am even going through or what i need. sometimes idk what’s worth bringing up or if it’s my anxiety just blowing things out of proportion.

[@nature.j]

this is the hardest part

[@daniP4728]

In the calm and because my partner is so calm and so steady...i feel so uncomfortable and lacking the bliss. Its so hard because i pick fights to create my high again and being unaware i am even doing so

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for sharing. ❤

[@karmified]

I am SO grateful for you Paulien! You help calm my heart 🥺

[@lizzzarduh]

Watching this video for the second time.. so good. How do we thrive not just survive? I frequently say to myself how I am just trying to survive each day..

[@segri3697]

Hi! I'm so happy that I found you! Thank you for sharing your own experiences. It means that I too can heal ❤ Greetings from 🇸🇪

[@daniP4728]

Id love a video on ..in the calm when you become discontent..how to soothe yourself and cope. I lack coping and i truly do not know how. Thats what im trying to learn now

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thanks, I will look into this!

[@prestonk2933]

Hi Paulien thanks for the content :) Can you make a video that dives deeper into anxious-avoidant relationships? Thanks

[@angelina659]

I would love to see a video about how FA’s approach friendships. Love your videos! 💕

[@jaredjohnson2761]

Once again, you have told my story exactly as I have experienced my relationships. Thank you so much for sharing your life, so that others can find healing.

[@StudioSGS]

Would very much LOVE to hear about the healing process between a secure (leaning anxious preoccupied when with an fa) and a fearful avoidant who is trying hard to figure out how to let someone love them. A couple I care about is experiencing this. One was mostly secure but became AP with a severely FA partner, who is just beginning to heal. They both very much want to stay together but they are both suffering due to the FAs ongoing emotional trauma.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for sharing. I will definitely look into this for a video. ❤

[@LuckyStarCorral]

Even a secure person can become insecure being pushed away. I am/was a healed insecure attachment style, and waa even alone 8 years by choice. When i was with people who could allow themselves to feel, i was carefree, but being pushed away can erode the most ibdependent partner. I say that because if me and my FA partner start judging and blaming and labeling each other we will only continue to polarize

[@linesyverinsen9215]

Dear Paulien, I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on following intuition, strengthening your relationship to it, and to yourself on the healing journey. ❤

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Wrote it down on the list to make a video about! (The word intuition can be super triggering already for FA's, so I've been holding off on it)

[@medicinemusicmama3273]

I would definitely be interested in a video where you talk about your healing journey and what that look like. Thank you

[@lizzybeedman7260]

Wowww that is so amazing you were able to get over all of those issues. Its so important to get control back I think especially for FA. This gives me hope for my FA ex.. It would be amazing if you could make a video just on the last point you made about feeling your missing out on something and if you choose the relationship you're throwing that away. I know my ex felt that greatly and deeply and carries that in all relationships and it just seems so detrimental to shift that mindset in order to create healthy relationships that last. Thank you so much for touching on that I think it could really use its own video to really go into depth about where that belief comes from.

[@therocknrollcook]

You’re brilliant . Thanks for this ❤

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for being here❤

[@sally_bowles]

but how do I know as FA when I'm not actually attracted to someone vs when it's my attachment style making me feel that way? it would be interesting to hear more about this ❤️ thank you

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I talk about that in this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/e2KXg3yYjrNkhZY

[@FloraSora]

Beautiful. You hit so many good points. I really like the point about being present--that tied everything together.

[@zoeysealey3045]

Can you do a video about how fearful attachment can be triggered by romantic relationships, and putting up walls emotionally and how to stop that from happening. I can feel myself reacting differently (not crying) while telling a story to my partner I’ve cried telling when I tell a friend. It’s been difficult on how much work I know I still need to do but I’ve already put in years of therapy. I’m just tired and want a secure attachment

[@tinywhiskers30]

I’m pretty sure she’s made a video about something similar before, you should check out her videos explaining EFT, the emotional freedom technique, that technique she uses helps release unhealed trauma.

[@freemind7388]

Doesn't brainspotting get rid of all those fears, l i heard its supposed to be the cure all for those anxieties and traumas

[@jamiepugh7627]

Also how do you know when its legit red flags your partner portrays or us FAs trying to talk ourselves into wanting to be with this person or us deactivating?

[@SweetSerenadeXyWem]

Well, a red flag is: they treat you or others badly. I mean for example when they say mean things, are very self centered, don't listen to you etc. I don't think this is something which happens because you're a FA.

[@LaisCordiolli]

That was very helpful. Thank you so much❤

[@sarahs7524]

This is a really good and helpful video. Thank you. I would love to see a video about your own healing journey.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you so much!! I will definitely look into that!

[@brookenicoley90]

What would you say about a fearful avoidant in a relationship with someone who has narcisstic behaviors? Because I feel like I am going crazy over here 😔I have been growing and healing but I feel like he is a major roadblock but he is my husband and we are married with 3 children. It's so hard.

[@aminabelloulou6099]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 💕🤍

[@angelglumac486]

Yes

[@sincerely_zane]

Thx my n****

[@ilovelearning6529]

what is a “solid foundation” means to a FA?

[@Ladieedemo]

Why did you make a decision to get therapy, cos an avoidant attachment person is quite resist the change?

[@nature.j]

im FA and now that i know im the problem im looking to get help because i hate hurting people i love without even being aware i am doing it and without even being aware that i love them until its too late. fearful avoidants are not the same as narcissists who dont want to change

[@lucyinthewild]

I'm wondering what your opinions are about being an FA and having ADHD (inattentive type) I've been late diagnosed and only just discovered my FA attachment style last year. In a relationship with another AdHD 'er and its been an interesting journey so far ☺️

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Don't know enough about ADHD to really speak on this!

[@neko_neko9]

As an ADHDer let me butt in. I believe the two are separate, but FA can exacerbate the negative manifestations of ADHD. I discovered my ADHD having healed the FA to an extent already, and learning about it helped me see it as a neurological makeup that has a lot of potential within it if you work with it and accept it! But the curious thing is that FA seemed to mask my adhd a lot, as in I was generally not late and would be so anxious to do things perfectly I would end up with a pretty good result even if that meant binging my way through writing a dissertation or something like that.. now I feel I can relax and my authentic ADHD er can come out and I can focus on her strengths, but that also means no longer being able to force myself to do certain things and needing to find ADHD -friendly workarounds (because I cannot abuse myself anymore) That said, I think FA can make it even harder to be in the moment, to sleep and all the things we already struggle with, leading to many vicious cycles and even health / mental health problems cause it's just too much. Bottom line, I think working with the FA helps minimize some extreme aspects of ADHD while allowing to use it to your benefit and not feel so helpless when you do make mistakes

[@neko_neko9]

PS I also think the ADHD need for dopamine and excitement can exacerbate the FA tendencies! So being in a stable relationship can be even scarier when you have ADHD. I know that was the case for me. Now I'm better, the thought that helps me is, if I am secure with my partner, then it frees the energy to chase all the dopamine and excitement I want in life, in my jobs, creativity, free time etc, whereas otherwise the energy would be spend on fighting an unhealthy dynamic, with life remaining fundamentally stale. I feel I am free now to risk and experiment in other areas to satisfy that ADHD itch, and for the first time it serves me well

[@TransparentLabyrinth]

@@neko_neko9 Thank you for sharing your experiences on it. Idk if I'm FA, but I resonate a lot with the idea of masking ADHD via anxiety and as I work on getting past anxiety, there are moments where I realize I'm going to have to cope with it another way.

[@ilovelearning6529]

Would you share your journey getting back to your husband after breaking up with him on the first place? I’m a secure person but just broken up with an AF ex.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

We never truly broke up! I said it out of panic, and my husband (then boyfriend) knew that and suggested we would take a week. After that week we met and I said: 'Ok, so this isn't the solution either', since that week was still full of doubts and raging panic. Does that help?

[@ilovelearning6529]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Thank you Paulien. I recently discovered that my "fawn" response when he was triggered added more frustrations and doubt on his end. The fact that he made me feel like I was walking on an eggshell and came to me with accusations (projecting his negative thought) has triggered my "logical thinking" and he saw it as dismissing his feeling. This is a really eye-opening experience. I definitely need to work on this but I still, regret how I handled the situation. He broke things off because he felt I distrusted him, that we were not on the same page and he needs to work on himself. Hope to learn from your partner how he handled these situations.

[@Muse720]

This is a very basic question, but if you go on a few first dates with someone & the conversation is boring, is it an attachment issue or is it a personality mismatch?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Could be either!

[@jamiepugh7627]

How did your bf now husband deal with your issues and not leave or break up with you?

[@jamiepugh7627]

I mean I am happy he did not and I also suffer from FA. Im just curious what made him stay through your healing process?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Just made a video on feeling like a burden to your partner, that touches on this too!

[@sapnapandey5922]

I tried to help my FA partner by giving him space explaining him each and every detail when he was suspicious but amazingly he was just taking more space and asking more questions and I was like I am done and I was draining and hurt and called him out on it. It's not worth staying with them. They are just living for themselves in general not caring who is getting hurt in the process. They don't care coz caring for others take courage and these people are themselves scared and always suspicious who is going to hurt them. I am sorry your advice did not work well for me.

[@kazao4403]

I actually am feeling its too turbulent and long for boring and being seen. Don't like the feeling of not being seen or heard by DA

[@kazao4403]

Does this mean I'm healing?

[@cspace1234nz]

Just get rid of the fearful avoidant as soon as you are clear enough and strong enough to do so. They are extremely destructive in relationships and never change, I don't care what this person says.

[@nataliafranco2343]

I met an amazing person and realized how much of a problem I was. I got into therapy weekly and have made a world of progress. We can change. I’m so sorry you feel that way and it is very understandable why you do. I wish you the best on your journey

[@cspace1234nz]

@@nataliafranco2343 ….are you an avoidant type ?

[@nataliafranco2343]

@@cspace1234nz fearful avoidant but leaned heavily avoidant. Realized my behavior was hurting people and I was never going to cultivate the relationship I truly wanted. I’m 23 and it’s taken a year of a lot of self work

[@nataliafranco2343]

@@cspace1234nz fearful avoidant and leaned heavily avoidant.

[@oceansoflorewi]

I tend to disagree. If you are 'bored' in your relationship - your partner could very well be indeed BORING and there may not be drama between the two of you - but that doesn't mean you have chemistry with your partner either - for example one may need someone to make them laugh a playful partner and they end up with a quiet introvert who takes their life too seriously and becomes a empty drain to the other. I cant stand a dry boring guy- it makes me boring right back.

[@akcaseyp]

But anxiety can breed a bad response and make you feel like something is boring that is actually just stable. That's her whole point. This is for people who do NOT have secure attachment.

[@sunbeam9222]

When I was insecure I met this wonderful guy who I found so boring ( and unattractive) when I worked on myself I realised he was actually an amazing person and actually good looking. My perception was totally flawed because so far I had only been attracted to unavailable of some sort men. I guess if you are secure attachment style and bored in a relationship it might be a wrong match but if unsecure and bored it might just be that the relationship is too stable and we crave the toxicity of trauma bonding.

[@j_fitzu]

@paulientimmer-healingthefe98700 lingthefe9870 Does this mean (when im first interested in someone) if it feels really exciting and i find myself feeling anxious when he takes too long to respond or doesnt seem as eager as i am that this isnt going to be a healthy relationship?