Pay attention to *THIS* when meeting someone new

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In this video, I share the one thing I pay attention to when I'm meeting someone new or deciding whether to be friends with another person: my level of safety.
Intro music: Church of 8 Wheels by Otis McDonald
Outro music: Lensko Let’s Go

[@levidwashington]

I am also reminded of the quote: “be careful of who feels like home, when home was not a safe place to be”

[@DockClock-rp2ro]

What about when someone feels like how home "should" have felt? There's a lot of contradiction with this stuff. Ideas like "attraction to familiarity" and "attraction to unmet needs" are an example. Or how an Avoidant can't trust their gut with partners, but should listen to their intuition. It seems like we're just operating in the dark still.

[@FigureOnAStick]

Whoa fuckin callout much 😅

[@Sirenology_Studios]

Oof...I needed this reminder

[@lily-ks4no]

😀

[@hellspawned666]

@@DockClock-rp2ro true. a lot of it just comes down to emotional intelligence/maturity, and can’t genuinely be boiled down to any blanket statements lol.

[@moonriversou]

Personally, when I meet someone new, I look at whether they are thoughtful (i.e., whether they're ego centric or thinks of others,) approachable, whether they ask about you, etc. Also, I tend to prioritise making a good impression with a person when I meet them so I think I need to prioritise how other people's first impressions with me are too.

[@AnaPsychology]

Those are great things to notice!!

[@moonriversou]

​@@An_Gha_ making a good impression ≠ being fake. It's trying to show off the best side of me to the new people I meet. I know myself, I know my best qualities. Besides, faking certain things like confidence or charisma aren't necessarily bad things as long as you don't do things that false to the authentic side of yourself.

[@jmfs3497]

Checking in with YOURSELF is a huge part of emotional intelligence and boundaries.

[@ssfourvegeta]

Never dismiss your intuition. The uncanny valley response is real and could save your life.

[@growing.flowers]

Yeah!

[@Alessaria]

I had a date a few weeks ago, after meeting that person all my body wanted to do is run away as far as I could. I gave the date a chance, the person was very nice ... and the date went well, but I just could not shake this odd feeling... Apparently he lied to me about several things and pretended to be someone he was not. Trust your instinct!!

[@Portia620]

Agreed!

[@Wishfull171]

Same! Was on a date and something was just very off and told me not to even kiss him. I didn’t and later he admitted he had a gf and was trying to cheat. Very glad I listened to myself!

[@pronoydutta614]

I'd say one red flag is if the other person isn't reciprocating your engagement at a social event. If they're being bored or coming off as dismissive/laconic with you off the bat, that's concerning behaviour.

[@blue-uv4mh]

The only thing I‘d like to add is to be careful about gut feeling if you find the person "exciting". The brain, especially if traumatized, is sometimes kinda bad at differentiating between the feelings of attraction and fear, as they both have very similar bodily symptoms. Sweaty palms, not knowing what to say or do, shallow breath, etc. If the brain gets a person you should probably fear mixed up with the signals of falling in love, the gut instinct of of "do I feel safe with this person" might also be trown out of the window, again especially if the person asking that question to themselves never really learned what safety really feels like. I also think this is probably why the "bad girl/ boy" trope in media exists in the first place 😅

[@growing.flowers]

OH NOOO 😭

[@lorenzo6777]

Intuitively, it seems that the body keeps the memories that are no longer fresh and can trigger feelings from the past by specific cues.

[@carloscampo9119]

The subconscious sometimes projects our deep fears into the world , and sometimes catches important signs that the conscious either avoids or fails to grasp. To listen to either is important, it could really be a life changer

[@katherinep708]

Thanks Anna. The older I get the more I struggle to make friendships--which I think partly because of my avoidant traits--and this video is helpful.

[@radfoo72]

Beware the theatrics of Chameleons who will say and seemingly do all the right things, for a time. They sing a song and dance a dance and maybe they even try to play you like a fiddle once they think they have you "all figured out" in order to create the appearance that the two of you mesh well together when really they have devious ulterior motives. One big red flag for me was them doubting my honesty while casting an unfounded accusation my way. I thought we were "friends" but if they didn't ever come to truly trust me as a friend, then perhaps that's an indicator that I shouldn't let my guard down just yet and trust them. I've been burned by friends and ghosted a lot in the past so over the years I've become a good judge of character and getting close to me and earning my trust takes time. Other red flags to be aware of are Inconsistencies and Incongruencies between what a person is saying and how they're actually acting and behaving. Presentation can tell you a lot and the test of time can be used to reveal if someone is really tried & true to who they say they are💁🏻‍♂️

[@lenaschneider7706]

I am a social chameleon but not really because of any ulterior motive other than not wanting to be rejected. I don't like that quality about myself very much but I always notice the impulse to say what people might want to hear or what might make them feel good around me - impulse sounding like I don't act upon it, but I do so a lot more often than I'd like. I bet there are also many instances where I do it and don't even notice. It's hard for me to let down my guard but not because I want something from people but just because it doesn't feel like I'm safe. At the same time I'm very aware that it prevents real connection and makes me quite lonely and it doesn't feel good when I say what people want to hear either. It is just something that is very hard to stop doing. I imagine there are a lot of people who just don't know how to be more genuine yet and aren't being fake to get something from you or anything.

[@Juliebear122]

Thank you I needed to see this 😊

[@awesomeziza]

​@@lenaschneider7706 Thank you for this important perspective

[@Viviyouknowme]

Ana, I just loove your videos! Posting this regularly must be super challenging, but thank you for that!

[@AnaPsychology]

Thank you for saying that! It can be a lot to keep up with but I feel blessed to do it :)

[@DianaDolphin689]

Thank you, Dr., I loved this video! It's so relevant to me. There was time when I listened to my gut feelings about how safe I felt around a new acquaintance I met at a cooking class. Even though we had some differences in opinions, I sensed genuineness and respect that really made me feel comfortable and safe. We became good friends and it's now is one of my closest relationships. Another time, I ignored my feelings of discomfort around a colleague. I thought I was just being overly cautious, but they turned out to be pretty manipulative. The entire time we worked together, it was a stressful work environment. I really wished I trusted my initial feelings about my safety and comfort, since it was so tough to sever myself away from them after we got "close". Thankfully I don't work there anymore. Thank you again, this is really helpful for me moving forward :)

[@jellyrcw12]

I love how simple and helpful your videos are. Very relevant information and digestible. Thank you!

[@TaoMoksha]

Good advice. I really appreciate your discussion at the end on all the details to pay attention to while analyzing how safe one feels. I’ve seen ppl do this, judging others as “bad” when it was their own unresolved issues they were projecting onto the other person. Self awareness and being honest with oneself is important.

[@TaoMoksha]

If I may add, personally what I like to watch for is how they treat different kinds of people. Are they only nice to me? Are they rude to certain people? Do they go out of their way to be mean to others? I guess this could also fall into your category of safety too but it’s not so much a choice about feeling unsafe…it’s more so to do with them being a good person.

[@apocalypsgoddess1]

I have a fairly new friend who I thought was restoring my faith in friendships. However, she said something a few weeks ago that really rubbed me the wrong way and reminded me of an old friend of mine who I’ll never forget, due to how shitty she made me feel. Based off what my new friend said, I feel like her and my old friend have the same type of mentality and that my new friend would definitely secretly compete with me if she isn’t already doing so. Luckily life’s circumstances are keeping us apart because I began to feel sick to my stomach. My gut told me to run, I listened to it, and fate took care of the rest.

[@smilesallround]

Great video as always 🙌🏿 this has given me a lot to think about regarding people in my life

[@SoVidushi]

Cool video. I'm personally not very in-tune with my gut feelings but I can tell whether I feel connected or disconnected to someone and that seems close enough. I really admire people with strong intuitions about these things.

[@Yulises]

I love your suggestion of looking internally as opposed to trying determine who the other person is or how they feel about us. Asking yourself do I feel: mostly safe, partly safe, or hardly safe. I find I unconsciously share details with people I don't know very well because I find the stakes are generally low, thus I may or may not ever see them again. However, if I want to initiate a relationship and see this person again, I tend to be more reserved. It's uncomfortable sharing my authentic self, especially if I'm thinking of how my impression will influence the perception of others. I think I will make use of this suggestion in the future and check in with myself.

[@briannas.lasvegas]

Great video! Thank you. Not the answer I was expecting but love it.

[@bomaster4665]

Hi Dr Ana, could you do some videos on corporate life and how to navigate networking, proper way to think, and making connections with co-workers without exposing too much about yourself?

[@nias3202]

Thanks a lot for your helpful advice!

[@mullcrumthesage6303]

I appreciate you Doc.

[@user-wi9bp6cb7y]

Ana could you do a video on how to deal with difficult people? i would really love to see your take/advice on this topic ..💓

[@mariekolarikova9775]

Thank you🎉

[@pratikm3345]

Top-tier. Is this video also a result of your exploration of psychodynamic theory?

[@Well-beingCris..]

Intuition is this information going to your conscious awareness more directly.

[@moonchild2107]

Hey Ana, i am always drawn to people that are really dominant. I would be interested in a video about that because I tend to feel submissive to them and it kind of weakens my self image I think...

[@clockworkheir1835]

Could you please make a video about getting over limerence?

[@Thornton523]

What if your body doesn’t say this person is unsafe but later it does?

[@Mico-Xiyeas]

Always trust your gut. You can second guess all you want and try to get a 100%. But you'll never get 100% whether it's a guess or going based on your gut. But you're certainly more likely to be correct if you simply go with your gut. Odds are always towards the gut. Trust it like an instinct. You simply learn afterwards, as you would either way

[@meetandinspire]

That's why we need time to get to know the other person. The more you know someone, the more information you gather.

[@moonriversou]

Also, can you make a video on subliminals and psychology?

[@AnaPsychology]

I might! Anything specific you want to know?

[@moonriversou]

​@@AnaPsychology like subliminal video on youtube and research studies on whether they help reframing the mind, if you find any of them. because anything related to the conscious and unconscious mind confuses me so yeah.

[@e.k8548]

​@AnaPsychology Yesss please, there are a ton of subliminals videos and audios on YT, are they real or placebo?

[@adcaptandumvulgus4252]

I need to figure out a way how to get over my misanthropy

[@hectorpikipiki]

Beauty and brains in just one girl❤

[@NatureFreak1127]

What about butterflies from feeling unsafe vs butterflies that come with attraction? How can one tell?

[@meetandinspire]

Great questions! Good butterflies bring a sense of positive excitement, happiness, and security. You don't worry about the outcome; you're simply enjoying the moment and feeling good. On the other hand, red flag butterflies induce anxiety and provoke anxious thoughts. They may urge you to cancel your plans because he texted you last minute, and you fear losing him if you say no.

[@xanakinskywoker1817]

Can you make a video about purity culture/virginity ?

[@Dan0rioN]

Can you tell us where to meet girls like you

[@notthemlgtom494]

Hey do you have a Phd? I am just curious

[@user-fi7ih8yv2n]

You are beautiful.

[@mauricehickson8412]

You have a different metric for safety. Safety is a measure of my capacity to neutralize a physical threat.

[@growing.flowers]

This vid was very repetitive and word salad 😔 yet still helpful

[@asdfsnfw3u4348]

I haven't seen your content since before you earned your doctorate. Congratulations!

[@ycartxxx]

Do we owe an explanation to those friends we distance from, who don't feel safe? I made a similar decision to distance from a friend after several years, similar to what Ana describes from her own life. If she asks directly "what's wrong?" what should I say? I was feeling taken for granted and walked over after doing favors, with her flaking and ignoring me for normal friend stuff that wasn't transactional. She has cynical hater energy and talks crap about her other friends and their work, and I don't like that vibe anymore.

[@rayven6704]

Yes,yes you should offer an explanation. Everyone these days likes to ghost people for all sorts of reasons but they dont realise the impact it makes on a person to be suddenly abandoned with no clue as to why.its a lack of respect. These days people lack pretty much everything especially respect and wonder why their lives so miserable

[@middledog466]

it's up to you and what feels closest to your integrity

[@jinglechut704]

If she asks directly, tell her the truth. Otherwise I don't think you "owe" her an explanation.

[@adamsmith868]

If it's someone where you don't feel safe then I wouldn't give an explanation. I had a situation where I told the person and they tried to turn everyone else against me, if she has hater energy like you say you might get an adverse reaction.

[@myrtila]

How I dealt with something similar was that I first distanced myself and when she asked me, I told her the truth. You can’t really elude telling the truth if she confronts you

[@kevinbenitez42]

6:06 gyatt

[@P0150Ngmod]

what

[@Poppy-yx8js]

Whoa . Gaslighting from young folks is toxic. Never has the ability to take responsibility for toxic and even illegal behavior. Yes. Illegal. And superior attitudes.

[@ktefccre]

My girlfriend broke up with me because she said she didn't feel safe with me 😢 I don't know what I did wrong 😭

[@tordek7639]

Might be some convenient excuse, not a real one. It has happened to me too. IF you really are a decent person and treated her well, don't take it as truth, otherwise it will hurt you and you might put a stigma on yourself that dont even correspond to the reality of who you are.

[@lenaschneider7706]

Maaaybe (idk your situation so what do I know) she's telling you the truth but it's not really your "fault". It might just be that you have a different way of communicating or relating or different kinds of emotional or social expressions that make her uneasy or uncomfortable because they don't match her style. So she might feel unsafe with you because of that. If she didn't want to/couldn't explain what made her feel that way and you have no way to ask her I think it's probably not the best idea to interpret what she said as "something is wrong with me" but rather as "something wasn't right between us".

[@mattd2026]

This is very much a for girl's video

[@thebuccaneersden]

I don't understand the use of the word "safe". Safe from what?

[@moonriversou]

If your body feels relaxed, calm, not anxious, essentially like you're not hiding yourself away somewhere.

[@schmumlauf]

I understand the word to mean something along the lines of 'the freedom to authentically be yourself without judgment, criticism, or contempt.' It's someone you can be vulnerable with, where you don't have to be overly careful about your word choices, their reactions, or eggshell walking.

[@Liolia22]

Same from harm in its various forms. You’ve never met a person and felt viscerally unsafe around them? Like they may hurt you due to any number of reasons? Or simply that they seem “off” in some way?

[@thebuccaneersden]

So, in other words: friendly, kind, open, of good spirit and nature. Or “nice”, to put it simply. I don’t agree with the use of the word safe, because it implies that you are a victim and the other person is a potential aggressor/threat and that is a toxic way to view social interactions and to judge other people who you barely know and basically your outlook on life. Especially because it is culturally blind and can be discriminatory towards people with disabilities.

[@AnaPsychology]

Safety means the absence of harm. In this context, feeling safe means you don't feel like the other person will harm you, that they don't harbor ill will towards you or want to make your life worse in some way.

[@Chrissan_VA]

Youre a baddie

[@chumleyk]

YMMV depending how bigoted you are.

[@AnaPsychology]

Hence why I said in the video that your gut instinct isn't always about the other person and you have to assess what it's actually signaling to you before deciding how to proceed

[@xXxNoisemaker]

No clickbait, please.

[@AnaPsychology]

Clickbait is promising one thing in the title/thumbnail and delivering another in the video. I delivered what was promised in the title. Unfortunately, the way that the algorithm works is that the same video will hardly get as much engagement unless it's catchy, and that is something I have to be smart about while remaining truthful to the content of the video.

[@unholymayhem]

Can confirm it’s not clickbait

[@feamorana]

I just went on a date, guy looks good on paper, date went well, he wants a second date but i just feel like something is not right, like hes " too good" to be truth.. also my scalp started to itch a day after being with this person..

[@Eateveryfood]

So bro got flees…😳