Professor Pwnage

Found this old video on one of my drives.... "professorpwnage.wmv" couldnt find an upload of it anywhere. The professor deserves the gift of immortal failure for having a PhD in Grade A Bullshit...
Associated articles here:
www.theinquirer.net/inquirer/n...
and here:
www.engadget.com/2005/04/25/la...

[@donlennios7139]

"I have also contacted the avengers"

[@northstar4601]

This is an avengers level threat.

[@WhatTheHe11isTHAT]

Burst out laughing so much just now

[@Nightlightz-ug1vj]

Assemble!

[@diamond_dogs]

Lmao

[@elegantcat1496]

@@yoda301 yes, the fact that your tastes are of a superior kind is being noted.

[@michellegodwin6567]

Next class: "sorry guys, I left it on my desk at home"

[@mobili2]

LMAO

[@Jonas-kr3on]

hahahahaha

[@christophermaine4085]

More like “I left it at home. Good luck getting an apology from me.”

[@rickrick5041]

lol very funny

[@Hgh38]

l wonder why did the woman stole it

[@evan6963]

As an IT guy. I can say with 100% confidence that this teacher is bluffing.

[@alextilson9741]

Exactly Laptops do not have transponders You can only tell when a file was last accessed, not necessarily copied. If these secrets are that important, this man would be held liable for negligence for not taking adequate steps to secure them.

[@marvtomson574]

yeah same here. He was spounting a lot of gibberish. However, I learned C++ programming and wrote my own phone home app, should my laptop ever get stolen. If the laptop should ever go beyond its GPS boundry the add-in hardware activates. I've already had 2 computers stolen from me.

[@c.l.368]

tell us more...

[@c.l.368]

@@alextilson9741 Laptops don't have transponders until you install one because you have very important data in it lol

[@jadedplover1851]

Well it worked, because he came back next lecture saying it was handed in.

[@marshmelows]

Even if it was a bluff, he did a pretty good job on giving that 3 minute speech while not breaking character. The mad lad

[@xxxuselesspricksxxx1481]

The exact moment he turned Heisenberg

[@Clone-up2ge]

@@xxxuselesspricksxxx1481 Jesse, we need to get my laptop back Jesse

[@kishascape]

@@Clone-up2ge it was in his trunk the whole the time.

[@michaeln.2383]

The thief cares more about people than him.

[@robjackson5245]

​@@xxxuselesspricksxxx1481dumbass more like Stalin. Nazis were not Nordicist.

[@ll_Assassino_ll]

"I've also informed Batman of the situation."

[@ianm3262]

“And even the joker himself was disgusted by this foul play”

[@frankcabanski9409]

Batman: "Alfred, I'm calling in the whole JLA for this."

[@KentuckyHick606]

😂

[@adammead8197]

😂

[@njuren2768]

😁🙏

[@jackbarry8847]

1st rule of cybersecurity: don't be the guy who left his million dollar laptop unattended and logged in

[@mika2666]

Yup, or atleast have a second form of security for accessing files that are extremely valuable

[@trat1x]

Seriously you would think this guy’s data is a bit more secure, say, a password?? What the fuck is he doing hahaha...

[@DJSteezy]

It’s an obvious bluff. Any company I’ve worked for with proprietary data or PHI comes with pin security and passwords. It’s very easy for them to track the device and even easier to disable access immediately. The FBI would not get involved! It’s your responsibility to take care of your device!

[@LucasRodmo]

Hey guys he made out the whole thing

[@wednesdaysmith922]

Damn that's what I was thinking. He was probably just panicking because he realizes that ultimately he's the one who was responsible for this information and will probably never get a high level consultation again. Lmfao leaving sensitive information laying around so some random person can take it is pretty negligent. He even had the foresight to record him making a bunch of shit up threatening the students with legal charges while admitting his negligence. Also let the thief know that hes in possession of sensitive data that he might be able to leverage. China would love to get whatever trade secrets/data you had in your laptop. I worked for a fortune 500 company and was aware of people who got fired for forgetting their company laptop for less 30 minutes in a conference room you have to badge in to open. Personally had to go threw multiple corporate classes on information security, turns out major companies are crazy about proprietary information... Not like a startup could totally be ruined if proprietary info was leaked before they even entered the market. Had to wipe computer and work phone of all images and documents daily. Maybe a little extreme but damn if someone got access to company info with my devices I would be terminated with an orbital laser beam with extreme prejudice. Doesn't matter if someone broke into your car to steal work phone... It still got stolen under your responsibility, due to your negligence.

[@Stew282]

Translation: "I've got myself in a world of shit through my own incompetence, and I'm desperately hoping that threats will get me out of it."

[@FardtilUshid]

right, anyone with the kind of energy doesn't scare me in the slightest. it's almost a form of groveling

[@jamesong.a.7695]

Exactly what I was thinking.. each entity he referenced is going to be more concerned with why the thief even had the opportunity to steal that kind of info, rather than who stole it.

[@rudugger_5188]

exactly he sounds scared .. not authoritative.

[@stradleybidley8893]

All four of you tard guards have a combined iq that's probably lower than the pH of your saliva drooling out of your mouths, this man is abviously trying to assist someone who's made a GROSS error, that will end with them being in federal prison. Not state prison, federal pound your ass prison. And the fact that all of you have the ineptitude to say that he's "afraid" is a fat crock of shit. They (being said companies and federal agencies involved) are not going to get on a man who has obvious use for them, and has gone in depth why,instead they'll go after the theif of said secrets, this is because this man has done nothing illegal. He's a consultant with the right to review data given to him.

[@Halfstep2024]

A tale as old as time

[@revengeancer2.019]

This is like when the police say, "Look, we already have all the evidence, so please turn yourself over" when they have absolutely no idea who did what.

[@rdaws73]

That's why you never talk to cops

[@damontan4749]

@Patrick Schmalstig nope, interrogation is about keeping your mouth shut until your lawyer appears, dummy

[@steviewolfeofficial]

This is literally what a detectives job is

[@revengeancer2.019]

@@steviewolfeofficial Thanks, Shaggy. Say hi to Scooby for me.

[@revengeancer2.019]

@@steviewolfeofficial You look like you just stepped out of a Time Machine from the 90’s, where nobody let you play bass for their band.

[@FourthDerivative]

"In addition to this, I will have you know that I am trained in gorilla warfare and have over 300 confirmed kills"

[@confucamus3536]

@@cuteface88 the copypastais gorilla

[@ashchaya7676]

@@cuteface88 THAT'S (one of) THE JOKES

[@ashchaya7676]

@@cuteface88 The 'that's the joke' meme has always been in all caps. How's your first day on the internet going? You liking it?

[@ashchaya7676]

@@cuteface88 Lol :)

[@cowboyanimal6700]

@@cuteface88 WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH?

[@Julian-yh9fd]

"You're in possession of the krabby patty secret formula"

[@KonElKent]

Is nothing sacred?!?!

[@kimberlydelrey]

😂

[@jakebulette6485]

The ingredient is crab meat

[@Jason_Reis]

Jake Bulette I thought it was crack cocaine??

[@SmashMan94]

Ravioli ravioli. Give me the Formioli

[@js5584]

I can just imagine him thinking that some programmer at Microsoft HQ is picking up some red emergency phone and saying "Sir, patch me through to Mr. Gates, we have located a duplicate copy of Windows." 🤣 The entire monologue is so ridiculous and he is making absolutely everything up. Some kid working in the IT department basically told him "yeah, you're screwed boss."

[@larion2336]

Lmfao, right? I have been using hacked windows copies for the last 2 decades. Never paid them a dime.

[@FranktheDachshund]

Microsoft definitely went to defcon 2 after that second Windows login.

[@Q-Bits8]

most copies of windows can also be used on 3 computers simultaniously

[@ace7467]

Best bluff I’ve heard. There’s no way he tells his customers that 100 million dollar data has been stolen by a student. Nobody will ever hire him and he’ll get sued and embarrassed

[@DNFUT-dh7nd]

“In addition you’re disrespecting a future US Army soldier”

[@samiamohamed683]

Gold

[@grahamsmith5975]

win

[@diljot6482]

*Fortunate son* playing in the background

[@zooso3785]

@@diljot6482 *Fortnite son*

[@Tag-ux5eb]

Diljot Singh nah, “AMERICA, FUCK YEA”

[@travisjones9071]

Teacher: “This man, this young boy actually...” Girl who stole the computer: *N O I C E*

[@Alexander_Snowden]

I mean he did say they had a partial image and two eye-witnesses

[@TehmasKhan]

😂

[@user-yv3zk1lk6c]

@ "this gay duck..."

[@jamesgentry13]

Travis you fail

[@LoveIncest]

😂😂😂

[@BashTagg]

So this guy has: One "Transponder" that provided exact locations One "partial image" of the boy 2 eye witnesses But still has Zero thief...

[@shadynumbers8561]

this guy has, "I'm faculty" vibes written all over him Also sounds like he has incriminating evidence stored on that computer and is more worried that his secret is out

[@somnuswaltz5586]

he reportedly had illegal and very offensive porn on it

[@thecaynuck]

I never saw anything about illegal/offensive porn. Apparently his computer had the database for graduate students with all of their SIN numbers and information.@@somnuswaltz5586

[@Crantick]

Professor - “My dad works for Microsoft”

[@john.stolec]

"and he'll cancel your XBOX Live subscription and block Minecraft for you"

[@Deader-Than-Dead]

@@john.stolec *Block*

[@jackbarry8847]

Professor - "I am Bill Gates. I am Microsoft."

[@marshaul]

His brother works for steam.

[@bobkin611]

He is the dad that works for microsoft lmao

[@youreadisgracepod]

Sounds like the professor is scared someone will find his "Homework" folder

[@hj2479]

Actually, he was scared that the companies information would be leaked because he is the founder of the company and so he loses out on a boatload of money and ruins his reputation in pharma and biotech if he is the source of the leak.

[@hj2479]

@@erseshe As I said exaggerated. I know Jasper, he's a technologically challenged man, there is a reason he is a biologist. The full story is quite hilarious in hindsight. By the way, most professors that are any sort of decent university have national contacts of some sort. Jasper is at Berkeley, every experienced Berkley biologist has national contacts.

[@Runner2959]

This loser is visibly terrified someone is fixing to find his “kiddie stash”

[@deadopsgx8578]

@@hj2479 tf

[@Andrew-fr1tp]

@@erseshe unfortunately yes.

[@TheDUIGuyPlus]

Plot twist: The thief wasn't in class the day this speech was given.

[@brinsonharris9816]

He was home doing bong hits and surfing porn on the computer, after he gave himself and his bros an A for the term.

[@user-hc1fo6qp4s]

You can't be the real DUI guy.... That would be too weird to have a channel I've been watching lately to post a comment on a video that's 11 years old. That would mean (does complex math in head) you are getting recommended the same videos I am and that's NOT possible.

[@TheDUIGuyPlus]

Oh but it is possible and it happened.

[@user-hc1fo6qp4s]

@@TheDUIGuyPlus No way!!! That's so cool. Love your channel bro. Sorry about that LegalBytes drama but you're rising to the top of that BS anyways. Keep up the great videos! :)

[@insani-tv]

You can feel the desperation in his voice. The moment he said "transponder" and "bio tech company" I Immediately knew he does not have any idea who stole the laptop. My professors do this all the time when they think someone cheats on an exam. Plus if he really knew he would not wait for the student to confess because what he said is on that laptop is some top-secret shit, there should be a SWAT team to arrest that student at that moment 🤣🤣🤣.

[@toddeubanks802]

“You are in possession of all 6 infinity stones, the Avengers are very interested in this”

[@billabong9215]

I really want to like your comment but its at 666...

[@frankcabanski9409]

This is your last chance. You can't go back a second time...or, at least you can't go back a 12th time...er...OK, yes, you can go back as many times as you want.

[@vic2097]

hmn

[@joeyv2083]

LMFFAAOOOOO

[@logandogan272]

Guy in the back who accidentally grabbed the wrong computer yesterday: sweats heavily.

[@ferrinheight]

the sweating jordan peele meme

[@ferrinheight]

the sweating jordan peele meme

[@ThaWhiteKnight777]

lol

[@Xdeadlyxphantom]

haha

[@Scorch1028]

Professor: “You have until 11:55 pm tonight to give me back my laptop - otherwise, I’m going to off myself!”

[@gldmj55]

The countless hours of lectures, presentations, and public speeches he gave over the decades were merely all in preparation for this very moment.

[@markraby1665]

The fact that his mind races very quickly to "young boy in federal prison" makes me think he has more than just trade secrets on that laptop

[@het314]

When you forget to delete your browsing history...

[@hawapxwa]

This. This. This.!!!!

[@JoeyLutes]

i almost choked on my noodles 🤣🤣🤣

[@jonnyjib]

Ahhhhh me thinks you're on to something?! Lol

[@aaronthomas8834]

Anybody else on a “professor outburst/threatening students” video spree because KZbin put the video about Professor Accuses Class of Cheating video in your suggestions?

[@cavestoryking8761]

Yes

[@someperson3549]

H o w d I d y o u k n o w

[@Hoxt]

Yep

[@etiennecauty6250]

@@JinnaiT holly I GOT BENNNNN TOO ?!?

[@teamnatejohnson7482]

Yes

[@stanknight9159]

The main lesson here is: 1. Never store your porn on a laptop 2. Never have that laptop unsecure in a place that it can be loss/stolen 3. This guy is worse at lying than he is at not losing things.

[@zenoohshit5498]

Literally the first thing I learned in my cyber security class was to *NEVER* leave your computer or work station unattended without logging out. This guy is utterly incompetent

[@ccshumshum8104]

>my cyber security class maybe you should have just listened more when your parents were teaching you basic right and wrong i.e. not to steal things. maybe you also should have thought harder about why, as a child, you stole something, got found out and it was you who was punished instead of whoever you stole from. retards talking about incompetence then go on the internet to embarrass themselves and their parents

[@tomr6955]

It's scary that that is even mentioned in cyber security.. I thought this was basic knowledge.

[@nukingjapanwasok6265]

He's obviously bluffing to scare the kid to give the laptop back. He most likely has anime and furry art on it instead.

[@unbreakablefootage]

Yeah true. how can he have data worth millions of $ on his computer and not properly secure it.

[@Diditallforthexp]

lol "art"

[@thatnormalguy9]

@@unbreakablefootage maybe because students are expected to be adults and not steal/ cheat. teacher computers have future lessons and test Q'S&A that can be important to pass the class in order to get a degree in whatever they doing. that could be a reason. no one wants their stuff stolen anyways.

[@marcusrosales3344]

@@thatnormalguy9 Pretty sure it turned out the professor left the computer in his car or something. Yeah, this was all a bluff.

[@thatnormalguy9]

@@marcusrosales3344 if that's how it went down, idk what to say. other than he's an idiot lol

[@Badlevhusky37]

“There are 17 Russian snipers aimed at our heads right now”

[@qadir1626]

@@joelpark3075 Go fuck yourself

[@darthmaul7477]

Lmao

[@atimy]

Lmao

[@bigboymatthew7471]

@@qadir1626 what happened bro he deleted his comment

[@qadir1626]

@@bigboymatthew7471Damn, that was a year ago. I sadly don't remember. I'm curious to know what he said now too lmao.

[@davis4555]

Just so everyone knows, when they threaten you the most, they have the least. If he had all this info, there'd be no need to threaten anyone; they'd just go pick the suspect up and get the laptop back. The fact that he has such important data on it, but still hasn't recovered it, means he is out of luck. It's a time sensitive matter.

[@TheGreekGodOfWallStreet]

I put pens in my pocket after I’m finished using them. One time I accidentally did this with a teacher’s pen that was provided so students could sign up for something. The teacher acted about the same way as this professor. After the speech, but before the class ended, I realized my mistake. Instead of getting crucified I dropped the pen on the floor, the teacher found it and was still convinced someone had stolen it to mess with her. Thank god it was a Friday.

[@johnlowell5833]

Fun fact: This was at UC Berkeley. The students knew he was bullshitting and the thief called him on his bluff. Never got his laptop back.

[@KonFry]

I want to believe you

[@Bb-xq7gk]

@@johnlowell5833 Yo wtf seriously? Puts a whole new spin on this video

[@stephenledford3808]

@@Bb-xq7gk I knew he was full of shit when said he installed the same copy of windows ,10 mins later and said the people at Microsoft contacted him lol

[@Slazors]

There was no thief you little liar. He misplaced the laptop and found it later. Fake news spreading moron.

[@samleaf7882]

stephen ledford gold

[@ashchaya7676]

Professor, I am the one who took your laptop. I'm Chris Hanson. Why don't you have a seat over there...

[@mftripz8445]

LMFAO nahhh

[@Bulskee]

🤣🤣🤣

[@BobbyValenzuela]

Police? We'll get to that in a second

[@matthewwoelfle5533]

You know what? I don't even want this laptop. I'm just trying to go to the beach.

[@rukascool]

Can I just leave sir?

[@annacross5562]

Jasper Donald Rine (born 1953) is an American scientist, a member of the National Academy of Sciences, and a Professor of Genetics, Genomics and Development at the University of California, Berkeley. Rine received his B.S. from the State University of New York at Albany in 1975 and his Ph.D. in molecular genetics from the University of Oregon in 1979. He then joined the Berkeley faculty in 1982. He is also a former director of the Human Genome Center at Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory and a fellow of the American Academy of Microbiology, an honorific leadership group of the American Society for Microbiology. As a graduate student with Ira Herskowitz Rine codiscovered yeast SIR proteins, conserved chromatin organizing proteins that modulate gene expression across taxa. As a professor, Rine was also one of the organizers of the Dog Genome Project. He was named a Howard Hughes Medical Institute professor in 2006. His work focuses on epigenetics and understanding the impact of human genetic variation. Stolen laptop incident In 2005, a video was posted online depicting Rine speaking before a class and explaining that his laptop had been stolen. He warned the thief, whom Rine believed to be one of the students, that there was extremely sensitive data on the laptop from various sources, and that as a result the thief could end up serving time in federal prison. This was a bluff, as the laptop merely held confidential student information. The laptop was later recovered, and a man from San Francisco was subsequently arrested and charged by the Alameda County District Attorney's Office with possession of stolen property.

[@bornaasi8734]

I feel his pain, he could have years or personal info on that laptop, it would be no different to losing a photo album with old family photos. Still funny watching him make up this story

[@bharris010486]

Professors name is Jasper Rine. This was a bluff, that didn’t work. They later recovered his computer from a man in San Fran and arrested him.

[@theprez98]

This comment should be rated higher.

[@KantFromEC]

@@theprez98 Agreed but its more fun to think of all the wild shit without wider context. In my own head cannon this dude had illegal pornography on their and tried to bluff his way out of it.

[@hamzamahmood9565]

Wait really? Why hasn't anyone mentioned it so far?

[@bharris010486]

@@hamzamahmood9565 give it a goog. I don’t even remember posting this comment, but if I know me, I’d assume I had researched it.

[@bh8199]

@@bharris010486 You don't remember posting a comment from 10 months ago?

[@melr.5492]

"The computer you stole holds the location from where Cotton-Eye Joe came from, as well as that of where he went."

[@PWNasaurusREX48]

best one

[@Wurstfinger-rl1zi]

Clearly underrated xD

[@henrahmagix]

Yep, best one!!

[@Eckalicious]

Rumour has it it also contains the information on who put the bomp in the bomp-de-bomp-de-bomp.

[@PWNasaurusREX48]

@@Eckalicious youll never be Chris R.

[@agent475816]

"You are in possession of the Krabby Patty secret formula. Plankton is very interested in this."

[@bilsid]

Prof3ssor: You are also in possession of my duck pics... Thief: Say no more, here you go boss

[@Luketochkin]

Plot Twist: This is a third grade class

[@timothyalan34]

😂

[@samleaf7882]

Gold

[@UnknownUser-cn3rv]

By far the best comment

[@erichuang7524]

That made me laugh (:

[@rufus5208]

Stolen comment.

[@BloominOnion1]

In middle school somebody stole something from the teacher. The next day, she gave this impassioned speech about doing the right thing and returning it. Then she closed her eyes, turned her back, and gave us 1 minute for the guilty person to return it to her desk anonymously. Some kid went up and mooned everybody, then retook his seat.

[@woahnut]

this is the greatest story ever told

[@MissSakumiU]

Chad

[@hamzamahmood9565]

Sigma grindset

[@TimeTravelingFetus]

And then the whole bus clapped?

[@linearmemories]

Bro that is sigma

[@sese182]

Dude just wants his porn collection back.

[@jimscalm3231]

The more someone tries to convince you they have evidence, the less evidence they actually have.

[@pizzamoviez2]

"You are also in possession of the Death Star plans. The Galactic Empire is very interested in this"

[@theevildrummingsithlord1492]

"Lord Vader has dispatched the 501st Legion and several Inquisitors to hunt you down. If you do not willingly submit, we will take everything from you...by force."

[@pizzamoviez2]

Manthan Shah I’m dead😂😂😂he’s also employed boba fett and his team to take u down

[@theevildrummingsithlord1492]

@@pizzamoviez2 Can't forget them! I was actually playing the Battlefront 2 (2005) storyline when I saw this comment, so I decided to have some fun.

[@rorycalhoun6484]

so THEY'RE the inspiration for ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY!!! 🤔🤔🤔

[@theevildrummingsithlord1492]

@@rorycalhoun6484 Indeed.

[@drmayday0015]

"Uh, professor your class is nextdoor." "Yeah, I know, I wanted your opinions on how scary that sounded."

[@primarchkhas726]

Not scary at all lol?

[@joelpark3075]

Anyways.... check out @daily_discourse on Instagram for debates and such! Won’t disappoint 👍👑

[@Meeminator]

@@primarchkhas726 wow you’re so brave and cool

[@primarchkhas726]

@@Meeminator how so? Not everyone gets scared of something dumb like that lmao. Not even a majority. Id say its not brave or cool. If anything the ones getting scared r babies. Dont assume so much from so little. Cause you obviously got the meaning wrong. Idiot

[@Meeminator]

@@primarchkhas726 nice

[@SawantSumeet]

Professor : you're going to jail Thief : No, you're going to lose that job with that million dollar company

[@Altum8bit]

He knows where it's coming from because he backtraced it, and it's been reported to the cyber police. Consequences will never be the same!

[@realbobafettx6367]

“The National Guard is also pending an airstrike”

[@prykris]

From all of the comments, I found this hilarious. Thanks!

[@lotsaspaghettimamaluigi]

At least he didn't get the cyber police involved

[@matth3002]

We've pinpointed your location! So please kindly point yourself out.

[@vuk8623]

Elias Håkansson 😂

[@ocpofficialrep7026]

oldest trick in the book

[@TurkMovement]

It's all a bluff ahaha! A lecturer wouldn't need to threaten someone that much 🤣

[@beebacheeba]

Hahaha, exactly, proving they haven't pinpointed jack sh!t LOL

[@Gerox566]

@Elias Håkansson 😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@alexanderbean7737]

He forgot to mention the blueprints for the new Justice League Headquarters and that Batman and Superman would be investigating.

[@adw1z]

Him after the lecture: ohh there it was, I left the laptop in my backpack this whole time

[@avigdormoon]

"With a sin of this magnitude, the Pope has also contacted us."

[@theMatch111]

Pope heard young boy n sent someone to personally investigate.

[@Ludwig1625]

If you don't want a life in excommunication then I suggest you repent for your wrongdoings, the Pope has also begun gathering a Crusader army

[@neuvocastezero1838]

@@Ludwig1625 When are you coming out with a new album?

[@thornzcarson9233]

The Match lmao that’s really not fair XD. I’m not religious, but the current pope seems like a badass and not a pedo lol

[@LoJahn]

hahahahaha

[@timtrainage]

Imagine my shock to find out a professor at a California university would tell lies.

[@spiderduckpig]

I've also contacted Darth Vader and the administration of the Galactic Empire and they are very interested the Death Star data that was located on my computer

[@therealHogmaNtheIntruder]

“The screen was forged from a single diamond on loan from North Korea. Right now I’m the only thing standing between you and Kim Jong Un.”

[@lk-py6iz]

😂😂 this is an underrated comment

[@kmartnintendork]

As old as this video is, it would have been Kim Jong Il, though.

[@rd_films8064]

"The computer also contains the plans for the Death Star, which Darth Vader and the Galactic Empire are actively searching for. You are in possession of data for an Imperial weapon that has the ability to destroy an entire planet."

[@captainantilles9094]

“I am a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan!”

[@Racc00nR1ck]

“Just so you know...you are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor!”

[@jorgearnoldson3107]

"And YOU, my friend, are responsible for delaying my rendezvous with Star Command!"

[@peetjepurple6408]

So funny

[@AlejandroGonzalez-rw9kt]

Yes, but keep in mind that the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the force.

[@runspace]

2nd rule of cybersec; make sure the threats you make are solid and not some cooked up scare tactic to have the thief make himself known to you

[@nonubusiness]

I was just waiting for some kid at the end to raise his hand and get called on. "Um, sir... isn't that your laptop right there?" Laptop sitting under a fallen map from the wall or something.

[@JerryHatrickShorts]

The kid is like, I don’t need an academic career anymore - I have trade secrets and proprietary biotech data!

[@bostonrailfan2427]

yep: he knows now, he’ll sell it to the highest bidder

[@nikushim6665]

"proprietary biotech data!" by that he means his coed nude collection and browser history.

[@caseykruger5357]

But they know who it is… And the FBI’s after them… And their a college kid probably with little resources…

[@spen425]

@@caseykruger5357 it’s a joke

[@typoking]

what part of "we know who you are, we have partial photo's and eye-witnesses" do you not understand? If he hasn't turned it in, he's going to federal prison for a ~Long~ time, you stupid genius.

[@Tyler-le6ry]

I went to the comments to see if I could find any information about what happened after and here is what I found. He did an interview about a week after saying he made it all up (obviously) in an attempt to scare the thief into returning it. No one ever came forward for stealing it.

[@Wtahc]

This should be the top comment. Not all these stupid memes.

[@mare1x2]

Wait, so the thief returned laptop to professor?

[@klittlet]

@@mare1x2 are you stupid?

[@khyzoo]

@@mare1x2 Bruh can u read

[@danbam465]

Hahahah dude just went back eating pizza bites

[@NervXT]

The moment he started talking about Redmond, WA being interested in "the same version of Windows" being used on two different computers I knew this was bullshit.

[@scottredford4801]

"I know exactly who took it, which is why I'm going to give a long winded speech to a large group of people in hopes that the person I know who took it returns it"

[@leonandrews7180]

The guy traded the computer for a bag of weed.

[@BobGymlan]

Leon Andrews you win.

[@devofreqo]

* Louis Ck

[@Ben-vt8ne]

Worth it.

[@bahaxeldeen]

Leon Andrews W

[@cesaralcaraz3589]

You would know, COMPUTER THIEF!!!!

[@akashgoyal2313]

"You're in possession of the forensic analysis data that tells the names of those 1/3rd students that cheated in midterm, That UCF professor is very interested in this".

[@robertpaulson6036]

Lmao we attend the same college 👀

[@umang1737]

LMAO THIS IS THE BEST COMMENT

[@loganmozingo7162]

Lol I came from that video

[@peterrinderer4382]

@@loganmozingo7162 SAME XD

[@someone-cs1ix]

You already know

[@weskarcher483]

The professor just doesn't want his porn stash folder to be discovered. 😂

[@KOKOPIKOSS]

You all failed to realize this mans true plan...by this absurd monologue he was hoping to make the culprit laugh his or hers ass off thus pinpointing the identity of the thief....the genius.....

[@veggiebad2087]

This is the IRL, tech version of the navy seal copypasta

[@duvipearson6251]

kek

[@cavestoryking8761]

Hahaha

[@ashchaya7676]

With a side order of "backtracing" and "the consequences will never be the same!"

[@AZ-123]

*GORILLA* WARFARE

[@nigeriancrowbar6584]

I have a message for one person in this audience, I'm sorry the rest of you have to sit through this. As you know, my computer was stolen in my last lecture. The thief clearly wanted to betray everyone's trust and was after the exam. The thief was smart not to plug the computer into the campus network... but the thief was not smart enough to do three things: He was not smart enough to immediately remove Windows. I installed the same version of Windows on another computer within fifteen minutes. The people in Redmond, Washington were very interested to know why it was that the same version of Windows was being signaled to them from two different computers. The thief also did not inactivate either the wireless card or the transponder that's in that computer. Within about an hour, there was a signal from various places on campus that's allowed us to track exactly where that computer went at every time that it was turned on. I'm not particularly concerned about the computer, but the thief, who thought he was only stealing an exam, is presently, we think, probably still in possession of three different kinds of data, any one of which can send this man... this young boy, actually, to federal prison. Not a good place for a young boy to be. You are in possession of data from a hundred million dollar trial sponsored by the NIH, to which I am a consultant. This involves some of the largest companies on the planet. The NIH investigates these things through the FBI. They have been notified about this problem. You are in possession of trade secrets from a Fortune 1000 biotech company, the largest one in the country, which I consult for. The Federal Trade Communication is very interested in this. Federal martials are the people who handle that. You are in possession of proprietary data from a pre-public company planning an IPO. The Securities and Exchange Commission is very interested in this, and I don't even know what branch of law enforcement they use. Your academic career is about to come to an end. You are facing very serious charges, with a probability of very serious time. At this point, there is very little anybody can do for you. The one thing that you can do for yourself is to somehow prove that the integrity of the data which you possess has not been corrupted or copied. Ironically, I am the only person on the planet that can come to your aid, because I am the only person that can tell whether the data that was on that computer are still on that computer. You will have to find a way of hoping that if you've copied anything, you can prove that you have only one copy of whatever was made. I am tied up all this afternoon, I am out of town all of next week. You have until 11:55 to return the computer and whatever copies you've made to my office, 'cause I'm the only hope you've got of staying out of deeper trouble than you, or any student that I've ever known, has ever been in. I apologize to the rest of you to have to bring up this tasteful matter, but I will point out that we have a partial image of this person, we have two eyewitnesses. With the transponder data, we're going to get this person. Thank you. Just realized I typed all this out but there's one online someone already made, oof

[@niignastii]

Remember, when someone threatens you with evidence proving you did something but still want a confession. They have nothing.

[@georgebrantley776]

@@Keep701 He could just have the person anonymously mail/drop the laptop somewhere

[@georgebrantley776]

@@Keep701 I would suspect he was namedropping. It doesn't make much sense to warn the guy about it. Not to mention, the guy probably had no clue he had all this stuff anyway. This is a bit like, instead of just saying: Please return my book, you say "please return my book because the password to my google drive is written inside and my drive is full of top secret info" It's a security folly of utmost proportion. I may have believed him, but the part about dowwnloading 2 windows versions triggering a MSFT investigation makes me disbelieve him. Millions of computers are running windows, and there are so many illegal copies going around all over the place. I expect the same windows key being active on 2 devices happens several times across the world every day. It is rather unlikely that the "folks in Redmond" have nothing better to do than to chase after pirated Windows intances. Also, idk what he is talking about with the "transponder." He must've installed that himself, and if so, it would be very easy to have campus police simply walk right over and seize the laptop.

[@AsperTheGhost]

@@Keep701 My first thought exactly. A Uni Prof lying about being a consultant for companies, publicly and on record, would be a death-knell for his career. He *may* have been exaggerating a little to try and expadite the process, but you can't just say "I do all this important stuff" as a respected Uni Prof and expect no one to call you out.

[@danieljuno810]

Callejero3030 bingo

[@Wyllowisp]

@@AsperTheGhost Except it's already been confirmed that what he said was a bluff. They already recovered the computer and all it contained was information about students. Stop being so gullible, holyshit.

[@bartsola8349]

Classic futility technique. "We already know everything to put you in prison" but also "who stole the laptop?"

[@pooclan1758]

Hang on, he needs his computer back really bad but he's also "tied up all afternoon"? I mean surely he would make the time to get his pc back?

[@colt45revolver456]

This man is the human embodiment of an anti piracy warning screen in a video game.

[@jk-474]

DRM in human form 🤣🤣🤣

[@ABCEasyas--]

Or the FBI warning in VHS tapes.

[@johnnycripplestar5167]

I say it's proper for small indie games. These are ambitious projects and deserve money unlike the modern triple A scene with shit like... Forspoken or Gollum..

[@manictiger]

I ripped the tag off a mattress once.

[@geoculus5606]

I'm afraid it's the rope for you.@@manictiger

[@Luke-nc6em]

Janitor: *remembers he forgot to put the computer back after cleaning the table* Janitor: Oh Shit

[@jimothycurrie.5285]

I'm the 455th person who liked your comment and your welcome lol

[@ipodmaster2688]

@@jimothycurrie.5285 you're

[@jimothycurrie.5285]

@@ipodmaster2688 "you are"

[@ipodmaster2688]

@@jimothycurrie.5285 that's the same as you're. Your however isn't.

[@jimothycurrie.5285]

@@ipodmaster2688 there's many variation of ways in fact you've typed in the first place this isn't quiz.

[@SawantSumeet]

If he had a partial image and two eye witnesses, then he wouldn't do this gimmick at all !

[@GTOAviator]

Zero people in Redmond cared about this dude's copy of Windows.

[@harryrs7293]

Judge: you're still looking at 20 years 6ix 9ine: I know who stole the laptop

[@amelia396]

lmao

[@surge127]

he do be back doe😳

[@vis_6916]

😂

[@jonathanpotter8760]

FBI wants to know your location Robber:Deny FBI: damn he’s good

[@murtajaalramahy8280]

bahsbfqvy asbhuvqb agh dg

[@philc648]

lol

[@pratiktrivedi6986]

hahahahahaha

[@David-ls4qp]

This is a good comment

[@Muz710]

First comment ive actually laughed to in a while good job lol

[@BuggingonBeeroids]

When you're not only incompetent both in technology and common sense but think that copypastas are an effective argument and threat

[@CallardAndBowser]

I bet this professor is facing charges himself for being careless with that kind of information being put on a universities computer instead of a safe private computer. A student easily walking off with this laptop is one of the reasons that data should never have been put on that laptop.

[@tommyv4980]

Legend has it, the thief is using the computer to watch this video on youtube.

[@nvcool1]

on pornhub you mean

[@zageri]

Tommy V damn, they found me ._.

[@PenisMcWhirtar]

2:03 - the professor predicts his own arrest for what was found on that laptop LOL!!!

[@natertater4024]

It twas' the legend27

[@bensosnowski1128]

SteinbrecherBack really?

[@guanqiaowang7586]

That man has something illegal on his computer

[@vilts]

Probably browser history

[@dougfoster445]

bingo

[@f.f5771]

CP

[@AinSoph73]

Well he’s fantasizing out in the open about a young boy in federal prison...

[@robg4472]

Yep

[@MelodicTurtleMetal]

I installed windows on my new laptop the other day - completely forgot to remove it from my old one first. Oh boy, what a mess. Bill Gates himself flew to my house, broke down my door, and came into my room with a gun. He saw me sitting there, and said "FameLuck? I got reports of a duplicate windows copy.. are you ok?" He seemed confused and very concerned. I explained the situation to him - that i thought it would be easier to transfer data over after - and he looked so relieved. He told me "next time, at least call me or disable the transponder". Oh golly.

[@thirdtemple9179]

“Batman has been alerted to the situation”

[@Raining345]

I have also contacted Professor Richard Quinn, and he is interested to have found out that 1/3 of the class has actually stolen 2/3 of the computer.

[@palmerstubbs4067]

OHH SHITTT THIS IS A GOOD COMMENT! actually makes sense and connected to the other professor who claimed 1/3 of his class cheated! wowowwwoow

[@user-ki4jc7il1n]

😂😂😂😂😂 Good one!!!!

[@mike5556]

@@palmerstubbs4067 Yea "cheated" by using the same test bank that lazy professor used

[@yanava]

Professor Jasper can prove with 95% of certainty that from everyone in that room at least one person could have stolen the computer. What he cannot guarantee is that 100% of the people in that room have aced the test because Federal marshalls helped them. That will require further forensic analysis.

[@cflo1386]

Lmao

[@turbostinky2978]

"The computer you are in possession of contains information regarding Obama's last name."

[@fb3798]

I personally hate Obama but the whole thing about his name is so pathetic and dark agish and reminds us about the horrible persecutions commit in the name of Christ who btw is the same "god" (according to Christian belief), or his god, that ordered the killing of women and children in the old testament! So anyone whith a Jewish/Christian name is more "worthy" to be persecuted

[@HazeAroundtheWorld]

@@fb3798 What the hell are you talking about?

[@MrJericho1100]

@@HazeAroundtheWorld lmao

[@Meeminator]

@@fb3798 lmao you are very confused, I assure you.

[@BustaSnape]

@@fb3798 this comment gave me the Wuhan

[@My_trashtalking_account]

And you just left it sitting there. YOU are in trouble.

[@YourFavoriteCommie]

The thief is sitting there thinking gee thanks professor for telling me about the millions of dollars worth of information on your computer that I stole, now I'm DEFINITELY not gonna return it

[@Slenderman454]

The computer had Obama’s last name in the files

[@zachsnyder4312]

Manny Dorsey found the person who had the computer

[@mwplaylist2890]

holup

[@user-uq4gr5nl5o]

@@dbe_manny No. It's Cur.

[@olympia5758]

@@dbe_manny His last name is Bin Laden

[@mitchderise73]

I feel so dumb because I've heard this like 20 times and it gets me for a couple seconds everytime

[@sakibassplayer197]

The minute he said "transponder" I knew he was bullshiting. This guy has no clue who stole it lol

[@lilmike2710]

Just butthurt. Probably had some incriminating files on the hard drive. We've ascertained that people of his ilk tend to "like them young".

[@calcmandan]

Did he ever apologize to his students for accusing them for stealing a laptop that was in his car's trunk the whole time?

[@ajperry3063]

I knew it was bullshit the second he said that Microsoft wanted to know why the same version of Windows was on 2 computers

[@michael654]

Homing beacon

[@FFFan3445]

@@ajperry3063 He misspoke, it's a CD key or serial number or whatever. Pretty sure they were able to track activations and let you know IP addresses of the different copies, kind of an anti-theft thing mainly helpful to retailers.

[@mrhaftbar]

A: "You really should have encrypted your laptop. Bummer"

[@PhalanxSpirit]

all i can think of is “if you had such data on a computer.. why would you bring it to school and leave it logged in and unattended?!?”

[@fortesfortunaadiuvat2181]

“I have also contacted PawPatrol and tasked them with finding and bringing you in.”

[@jshepard152]

No job's too big...

[@solobaricsrock]

Paw patrol is on a roll!! 🤣🤣

[@dogtags2010]

Best comment. Lol

[@scottshepke669]

Chase and Marshall Ain’t nothing to fuck with they mean business

[@dewnfps]

LMAOO

[@dangernoodle7700]

"This laptop has the secret formula for hand sanitizer that kills 100% of germs."

[@newguy3588]

"It also is recommended by 10 out of 10 dentists"

[@BossBoss-wx6mx]

@@newguy3588 hand sanitizer recommended by dentists, this is some serious business.

[@newguy3588]

@@BossBoss-wx6mx lol

[@seanm3644]

Dude's obviously in full panic mode, he doesn't know who took it, but he realizes that he either left it unlocked, or didn't put a password on or encrypt his computer/data.

[@simplemann101]

He is very John Malkovich from "Burn After Reading". I can imagine Brad Pitt being concerned about the sensitivity of his shit. The unauthorized dissemination of classified materials is a federal offense.

[@uncomfy5496]

Professor: "a young boy, actually" the girl who stole the computer: "yes of course"

[@farzein4002]

partial picture

[@hughmungus4979]

*meet the spy*

[@organizedchaos4559]

@@declansnyder2281 it’s a threat, when someone does have any proof they make up threats to make people nervous and admit yeh truth.

[@avory7938]

@@organizedchaos4559 Thing is, by the way the professor was speaking, he made it seem like whoever stole the computer will eventually and inevitably be caught, but if that was the case then it just doesn't make sense that he's speaking up in the first place, if all of what he was saying was true and if the computer really had all of that important data, then he would've simply waited for the person to get caught, because telling them about the importance of the computer might make them want to keep it even more. So yeah, bad bluff from his part i guess

[@cooldude2251]

@@avory7938 I don't think you know what you are talking about tbh. You are trying to sound smart but you make no sense.

[@kookie4nookie]

“The transponder was activated and has alerted Zurg, the sworn enemy of the galactic alliance” Dude, is crazy funny. 🤣

[@MyKonaRC]

HA professor lost everything!

[@airbolt6496]

MyKonaRC and the person got away with it

[@thechaun6631]

I must destroy the transponder to prove my loyalty to Star Command

[@JohnSmith-ib4zi]

No, comma needed, idiot

[@travisbickle01]

1000th liker

[@ONCICOLA]

You know this professor was practicing this flat out lie in the shower when his laptop got stolen.

[@muwuny]

"I installed the same version of windows" He's obviously bluffing tbh.

[@rje613]

yeah that was a big giveaway..."I installed the same version of windows and microsoft called me up saying "hey, two of you are using the same version of windows" haha fucking good one. He was clearly bluffing and that line blew it.

[@votaveri]

RJ he means same windows activation key, each key costs like 200 dollars. He wasn’t about to rebuy it

[@rje613]

@@votaveri but then he went on to say they were able to track the thief down because of it but thats not how it works. 1000 people could use the same registeration key if they wanted and microsoft wouldn't do shit. In fact, every version of windows I've ever owned was registered with some random persons key from the internet.

[@votaveri]

RJ Not the rebuttals I was expecting... the one you got from the internet as I have is a business key making it extremely cheap to get. If you activate 2 copies it will disable...

[@lanoche]

@@votaveri Check the video's upload date. It was before or during the Windows Vista and 7 Era and a lot of people still used XP at this point. You can literally use the same key for a bunch of computers before it stopped working then you had to call Microsoft to BS your way into them giving you a new one for free. Learned this from being a coop student during my highschool to a very scummy and shady computer store back in 2008. We used the same key over and over till it stopped then I had to call their customer service and tell them my pc broke and I'm just trying to reinstall it and now the key doesn't work at all. When I worked as an IT at a big engineering firm in 2012, I was surprised that half of their system were still in XP and I was the guy they made everybody switch to Windows 7 whether they liked it or not.

[@Bentami]

“Your academic career is about to end.” Kid: “Ah yes, plans are going as expected.”

[@hj2479]

It was a girl and her academic career did end.