r/Limerence | Disturbing & Controversial Subreddits

[@TheInternetInvestigator]

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[@food223]

😊😊😊😊😊

[@WobblesandBean]

27:20 Uhhhh....I think you're off by a few decades there, TII. 😅 Also, please stop calling it "LO". You're feeding into these people's delusions. Call them what they actually are: victims. Targets of stalking and obsession.

[@guylaplante6269]

Not too long ago I thought that I was suffering from limerence because of feelings I was having towards a coworker. I talked to my therapist and it turns out I was actually just experiencing 'normal human emotions.' What being homeschooled does to a mf.

[@llallogen7380]

I was homeschooled as well, but I seem to have the opposite problem.

[@piss7610]

REAL same lmao

[@guylaplante6269]

@@llallogen7380 there's truly no shortage of fun and unique ways that homeschooling can fuck up a child

[@llallogen7380]

@@guylaplante6269 True. I did also attend public school for a long time. I think my particular style of homeschooling saved me from worse damage going on in public schools. We can't win, but we can avoid the worst of the worst outcomes.

[@Nazareth69420]

😂😂 I had a good laugh. Thanks “what being homeschooled does to a mf” too good

[@Murhuedur]

When you read the examples of limerance vs a normal crush I thought of Jay Gatsby. Throwing massive parties for the sole reason of hoping that Daisy might attend one

[@afairshare]

As a limerent, that is the most accurate. I've always said it feels like I live in the Great Gatsby.

[@Romanticoutlaw]

when I was deep in that mindset, ngl, I romanticized and idealized gatsby. Like, defeating the entire point of the story. I managed to find his unreciprocated suffering "noble." I'm glad I moved past that, even if I'm still not super sure I'm ever going to be well equipped for a romantic relationship, having corrected really hard the other direction

[@Naixatloz]

When I was a limerent teenager, I definitely related strongly to the book.

[@lauraholliday9343]

We studied this book at school when I was experiencing my first Lo and I identified with it so strongly, took me years to realize why!

[@Anophis]

Being a romantic at heart, and autistic too - One thing a lot of autistic folk don't like to admit is that a 'special interest' isn't only restricted to some peculiar hobbies, but it can be a person, too. It can get out of hand, obsessive and stalkery. I fall into those feelings often - Thank goodness, my few and far between partners have actually found it oddly endearing at times, and I've learned to tone it down to a certian extent. The romantic aspect - I love romance, artists, creative folk - We tend to over indulge in our emotions and experience them to the fullest intensity, and feel wild when we can't express that. I've heard this often related to things like Bipolar or Bordeline too where people actually, at times need to try and avoid intense excitement too much because stuff like love can cause mania and obsessiveness. It's hard emotions to balance. If the other person is into you and it actually lasts and the illusion of fantastical elements washes away and you still love what you see beneath that, its lovely. It's like a weird eternal honeymoon phase sometimes.

[@WatashiMachineFullCycle]

Also autistic and yes, I totally agree. I had a special interest with a certain KZbin creator back in my early 20s, developed a parasocial relationship and it slipped very close to this limerence thing. I lived on the opposite side of the country from this person but took every opportunity I could to see them in person or contact them, and I cringe thinking about how I would have behaved if I lived closer to them. I'm in my 30s now and very wary of parasocial relationship forming so thankfully I've sort of outgrown this pattern of forming these kinds of bonds, and this KZbin person has done something morally unforgivable to me which shattered my delusional idea of them. It depressed me for a long time when that happened but I'm glad that I was able to distance myself in the end.

[@pnwgirl4]

As a fellow autistic person I feel this so much. I think there's a big misconception that autistic people don't have strong emotions, and I'm there are those for whom that is the case but I and many of my autistic friends feel our emotions very intensely and can have a tendency to fixate on them. I'm extremely thankful I was able to find someone who not only returns the intensity of my feelings but has been willing to stick it out for the long haul.

[@lurji]

i hate every time it happens to me like why cant i be deeply invested in hamsters again and not some girl who has pretended to be my friend for the last 3 years

[@bluetiger2468]

Dude, I thought about this. Legit, I think about my OCs everyday (not in a romantic way, you can obsess over stuff in a platonic way). I love thinking about stories for them, drawing them, and working on comics with them in it. I actually started learning a language that one of my OCs know just so that I can feel like I can write him better. And I picked up some hobbies my OCs have. This type of stuff makes me happy my obsession is towards fictional characters and not a romantic obsession towards a real-life person.

[@BassGal92]

Another autistic person here. A couple of years ago, I said on a PowerPoint presentation on Discord that boys are my special interest. It was through that when I discovered limerence and felt like that fit me when I was younger. I found this subreddit through another post in which an autistic person felt that way, and while limerence is often associated with ADHD, there are some other autistic and AuDHD people in the sub.

[@LegendaryMercenary.]

This kind of obsessive infatuation becomes really problematic if a relationship ever develops into a romantic one, as the fantasy very rarely lives up to reality.

[@halloweenz]

This happened to me, took him breaking up with me to finally snap out of it. It hurt, bad. But I realize now that it was an extremely problematic situation.

[@popshoppacks]

From my understanding this kind of behavior can be the result of emotional neglect. Children who don't recieve adequate affection will cope by imagining love. They imagine a closer relationship with their parent than what exists in reality. This behavior extends into adulthood with imagining a relationship with a friend, coworker, or partner that may not exist in reality. And, inevitably when you do get to know the person, reality can not live up to expectations

[@essdee9694]

It doesn’t often happen. Normally the line rent person subconsciously chooses an emotionally unavailable person bc they can relive their childhood experiences of feeling unlovable and also reinforce that belief

[@LegendaryMercenary.]

@@halloweenz Thank you for your comment and for sharing your experienced point of view. Self-awareness often comes too late for many of us; hindsight is 20/20 after all. The fact that you were able to recognise that behaviour is a monumental achievement, as some go their entire lives unable to recognise potentially destructive personality traits, often blaming others due to an inability to remove the mask and take a critical, analytical look at themselves in the mirror. The human psyche has many facets that often develop from a multitude of environmental factors, with some traits being more nuanced than others. "We are all works in progress; when you've been worked on for so long, you never know you're done." Jericho Brown.

[@DakshaiRanger]

Not to mention, it's the exact opposite of how real love works.

[@cellophane5462]

I never knew about this term, but I've been there and am now being a victim. I spent almost 6 years obsessed with an online friend that is my age. We met in an online game, both were very introverted kids, had many interests in common and etcetera. I never showed any romantic feelings for him and always tried to be the cool friend: I always listened to everything he had to say, always reinforced how awesome he was, almost never said no to him. Sometime in high school he asked me if he could ask for romantic advice because there was a girl interested in him. I remember this moment vividly: I was still in class, but after that text I couldn't even think properly anymore, and I had to take the bus home. I lost my bus and walked at least 8 km to my house, talking to him and encouraging him to talk to her and ask her out, while I barely could walk and write with all the tears rolling down. When I got home, I felt very sick. I spent the next week at the hospital with very high fever and some other weird symptoms. I vomited almost everyday, couldn't eat or sleep properly. I only told him I had a cold and not that I was hospitalized or feeling that ill. He went out with the girl and they had gotten closer and closer. Everyday felt like I had a rope tied around my neck that got tighter and tighter each time we spoke. They eventually broke up, but my anguish continued. In 2020, we had a fight and stopped talking to each other. That took a hard toll on me and I tried commiting suicide. Happily, my family loves and supports me a lot, so I got psychiatric help immediatly. Two years after we last spoke, he reached out to me again and apologized for our fight. I told him that what I had gone through during our relationship, told him about my medication and being in therapy. I also told him that I, for many times, chose to spend hours talking to him instead of going out with my friends or someone else. I was very careful to not hurt him, and made clear that he wasn't responsible for the pain I felt. He hadn't any idea I liked him, and always loved me and looked up to me like an older sister that always took care of him. He cried a lot talking to me in the first days. He couldn't believe I suffered so much because of a match of WOW played so many years ago. We are good friends now, with clearer communication and maturity. We're both finishing colleges and are responsible adults. In the last six months I've filed multiple police reports about a creepy guy on Twitter that keeps stalking me and sending me explicit messages. It doesn't matter how much I try to avoid him, he always finds me someplace else. I'm desperate, but I'm not giving up: I won't let him get to me. I thank God I never made any advances towards my friend and kept my obsession to myself. If I had made him go through what I'm going right now, I would never forgive myself for that. I hope people on that subreddit find peace without having to go through what I've been. I hope they find a support system that can help them overcome this and stop hurting themselves. No one deserves this.

[@Angelaaahhh]

thank you for sharing this story, sometimes people can be blinded with the wording and dehumanize people who go through this, but everyone has a different experience and yours will help people understand. I'm so happy for you that you've gotten the help you need, and I hope that you will find peace and relief from your stalker soon, because that is truly horrible, and no one deserves to go through it.

[@sourgreendolly7685]

I'm glad you're still here and doing so much better! I didn't learn the term until years after getting help but limerence was a big issue for me with my BPD so I understand what you're describing all too well. Having a family that loves and supports you sounds like an amazing thing! For me it was DBT, which I sought because my intense emotions were hurting the people I cared about, that helped. I wasn't working on the obsession, but learning to regulate my emotions and how to better address my feelings within interpersonal relationships naturally helped me form a healthier understanding of love.

[@lenaboyer6981]

I’m truly sorry you went through so much mental anguish and glad you’re doing alright. It’s weird how our brains, which are the most incredible biological structures on the planet, can go haywire and fixate on things/people to the detriment of everything else for seemingly no reason at all. That must have been a very scary time in your life. 😢

[@cellophane5462]

Thanks everyone for the kind comments!

[@machinismus]

I’m so happy that it worked out in the end for you!

[@MattHanr]

thinking a person is perfect can be cured pretty quickly once you start any kind of relationship with them

[@bbpoltergeists]

reminds me of a popular quote from tiktok "a crush is just a lack of information" lol

[@blizzard_the_seal9863]

@@bbpoltergeistsTRUEEEE

[@akshayde]

Oh no, not at all. This implies that you, the person doing the lemering, has a good grasp on reality and knows what is what. But if that is the case, they wouldn't think a person is perfect in the first place. Most likely when they start a relationship they will continue to be delusional about that person ignore red flags or have blinders on.

[@AmberAmber]

I've only had co-limerence (when I felt it) & all are good friends now. HOWEVER I've received unrequited limerence from several stalkers in my day. Hence I make a point of loudly pooping on all my first dates. ❤❤

[@rvnslsyt]

I still have feelings for a coworker I stopped dating 5 months ago, so I personally disagree

[@ducky19991]

Limerence is definitely something I still struggle with, always have. But having an entire community just ruminating and enabling each others toxic feelings and actions is just a big no… I found this sub before but definitely didn’t join 💀

[@gooeater1544]

honestly reminds me of Other mental illness/disorder forums that have a similar toxic and kinda competitive nature. being able to relate to others is definitely helpful for some people but a lot of ppl just take it too far and start encouraging each other or downplaying it

[@luckynumber1358]

@@gooeater1544 yup, its a real issue within disorder subs and forums and generally any community. im in the r/stopselfharm sub, which is obviously a sub meant to deter the act of harming, and yet so often I log on and see someone posting fresh scars or asking advice on how to go deeper. at least its better than the....other sh subs. sheesh

[@ducky19991]

@@gooeater1544 same reason I left all BPD communities, it inevitably becomes an echo chamber

[@wienerhymier]

I'll volunteer to be someone's LO

[@13fyrefli]

@@wienerhymierI dated a guy obsessed with me and it was gross. He fawned over me and hung on my every word. He only wanted to do what I wanted, had no personality of his own. It sounds nice to have someone love you so much but it can be unsettling. I had to cut it off and he borderline stalked me for a long time.

[@llallogen7380]

As someone who has never had a crush on anyone, a concept like this is not easy to wrap my head around. But this video helped me realize what someone who felt this way about me was going through. Even after 2 years of no contact and not knowing each other well when I had last seen him, he started blowing up my phone. He was trying to make his fantasies a reality, and so he changed his career, physique, hobbies, personality, etc to make himself the perfect man for me. One big problem: he had fantasized what my interests were, so he became even more far removed from what I could be interested in. Took another few years to completely shake him, but hopefully he has recovered

[@halloweenaddict4034]

Are you aro/ace

[@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259]

@llallogen7380 I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You are a kind and empathetic person and deserve the world. That must have been horrible

[@llallogen7380]

@@halloweenaddict4034 No clue; haven't been curious enough or had enough time to figure that out. I'm out of graduate school and in my dream job, so I am considering dating for the first time at 25 to see if being interested in someone non-platonically is possible.

[@llallogen7380]

@@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259 Thank you. I don't envy what he had to go through even though he unsettled me, but not living within 8 hours of him for years was my saving grace.

[@empiretoday-mr6mg]

I had someone do this for me too. he completely changed his style and music taste to appeal to me. it went on for two more years. it's so uncomfortable

[@linccoon]

i was limerent with my girlfriend and it basically ruined my life. three or so years later i still am plagued by dreams about her and therapy hasnt really done anything. i feel like a horrible person. i am completely no contact with her for two years. god it's so hard.

[@YouTubeSupportSucks]

You aren't a horrible person because you were neglected as a child, friend; do your best to be a good person, and remember that bad people don't care that they're bad

[@herefortheshrimp1469]

I was like this with my ex - it’s a particularly insidious thing when it was someone who, at least at some point and for a period of time, returned your feelings. I’m glad we have a word for it other than “obsessed” but fyi I am SO proud of you for keeping yourself no contact for this long, because it’s been torture for me.

[@amandadollrey3479]

You are a human and we can't control this at times. I'm rooting for you truly.

[@sourgreendolly7685]

Backing up what's been said already- you're not a horrible person. The fact that you're no contact and in therapy is MAJOR progress, even though you're still feeling this way. Oftentimes we have to change our behavior FIRST and the healing comes afterwards- you're doing the behavior part and that's nothing to sneeze at! Don't give up on yourself. You also might need a different kind of therapy than what you're getting I was in therapy for nearly a decade before I even found a modality that worked well for me.

[@TheInternetInvestigator]

You're not a horrible person! I know it might not seem like it but there is a way through it. There are many different types of therapy, even though one type didn't work for you, perhaps another might? 🖤

[@Googleusergoogleuser-b4p]

Hell... I knew about my CPTSD, I knew that I'm limerent, but I never heard of this subreddit. I feel like until this very moment I did not understand the difference between being in love and limerence. My LOs follow me around in my head like ghosts, I constantly view myself through their eyes, whether I impress them, whether whatever I do is something they'd like (luckily I'm in no contact with either of them now) This has been going on for as long as I remember myself. My childhood was nightmarish, and I went to bed every night fantasizing about my special someone - a character, a classmate, a band member. It took me so many years to realize that I was soothing my young self by indulging in those addictive fantasies, and I did not just happen to have to be in love with someone every week. Now I am in a relationship, living together, and even though they are the best partner ever in every way, I still feel incomplete without the blind romanticization and the chase. I'm working on it, because I can't lose them. Edit: can't respond to all of you, but thank you all for the support, made me tear up a little.

[@ashleyharan6618]

Thank you for sharing your story, wish you the best ♡

[@emilyjones9787]

Thank you for sharing! We'll get through this!!

[@rider7949]

Man I gotta replay deus ex

[@gooeater1544]

hoping for the absolute best, i understand how you feel ;( but I'm glad you have a lover that can hopefully help you through this. you're already doing so well by acknowledging the problem and not letting it stop you from getting with other people!

[@x4at197]

Wow!!! You really are a lo$€r!!!

[@amyrose7403]

I have BPD and suffered with limerence for about a year (november 2021-2022) and it DESTROYED my life. i didn't stalk him IRL or anything to the same degree, but i spent every waking moment thinking about him. I started thinking "if i get my nails done/if i eat healthier/if i got cosmetic work done he will want me" and so my life was just a constant cycle of being unhappy with everything about myself and spending a fortune one different clothes/makeup/cosmetic work etc. I bought him a VIP meet and greet ticket to his favourite artist which he never ended up using. I ended up leaving university, staying off sick from work long term and eventually quitting my job because I made myself so painfully unhappy thinking his validation was the only thing that would make me a worthy person. I was deluded into thinking everything was a sign from the universe that we were meant to be together whether it was angel numbers or tarot readings. I was put on antidepressants which helped with my unaliving tendencies/ideation and definitely helped my mood, but the only thing that helped was me blocking him on all social media and going non contact for months. I healed enough to introduce him back into my life after about 5 months apart and now I don't even understand what I saw in him at all. He was just the first person to make me feel something in a very long time and so I was convinced we were soulmates and destined to being together or there was no point in living. ironically i'm now very very glad to not be in a relationship with him and feel so sad for myself that things that happened to me in my early childhood made me so painfully unhappy 21 years on. i'm dating someone at the minute and have a lovely healthy crush on him and no limerence at all this time

[@Hottest_88]

Im soo happy for you omg. The same thing happened to me; I'm still trying to get over it because I'm not on any antidepressants. It's sooooo hard because I know he doesn't want me but I keep remembering the times that it felt like he did and how he used to treat me. He was the first guy to ever make me feel seen and now that he's gone it's like I don't feel like a have a purpose anymore cause all i was trying to do was to impress him.

[@amyrose7403]

​@@Hottest_88 i promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel angel:( i kept thinking the same way too, "but he used to treat me so well" etc. until i realised it didn't matter how good he was to me because in the end his actions made me feel neglected and unwanted (even if i didn't struggle w limerence, he literally abandoned me in a time of need) and that outweighs the good. another thing that really helped was shadow work! i did a lot of journaling trying to figure out why his opinion mattered so much to me and why i felt worthless without his validation. it took a long time but i finally realised the only person that can completely validate me is me. i looked into new hobbies as well and began pole dancing lessons so i could meet new people and have a new community to immerse myself in. you got this !!! you will get through it i promise you. if you can, cut all ties with him immediately. the hardest part of going no contact is the first day, once you've done that you can do it again and again. you may come to a point where you can reintroduce him into your life, you may not - you'll learn to be okay with either outcome

[@EMILYHERRERA]

​@@Hottest_88I've gotten through this, more than once, and you will too. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The answer for me has been to deconstruct myself & try to heal me. It's not been easy or quick, but I promise you it's possible.

[@wwaspy]

after being in BPD recovery for a couple years now, i actually couldn’t finish this whole episode bc the way i behaved when i was sick was *exactly* like this. i’m so so forever grateful that i was able to recover but this feeling of limerence is absolutely soul crushing and all consuming, i couldn’t ever properly put it in to words but i know i now have to be extremely careful to make sure it doesn’t happen again

[@mirukuhoneyy]

same here, i got recently diagnosed with BPD and this vid hits a little too close to home for me

[@sourgreendolly7685]

I didn't click this last night because I knew I would have to be awake enough to make this decision if need be. I'm over a decade now, went from fit all 9 criteria to none and I am so grateful for that. But a big part of that recovery is recognizing my triggers- you might view it as not being able to finish the episode but to me I'm reading that you're recognizing your boundaries and making the healthy choice. Just wanted to put you out there, this is a choice to be proud of.

[@nursemain3174]

As someone with bpd I get this type of thing but also I guess limerance for destruction on myself or others.

[@Rinrinribbon]

I am a boderline, and my current relationship is like this and of course he doesn't reciprocate my infactuation - making me have dark thoughts. This vid made me reflect a lot😅😅😅

[@roroo]

me too

[@ainomlk5249]

Suffering with c-ptsd and realizing now as an adult (through therapy) that the infatuation I had for female teachers as a kid was not just a crush, but a desperate need for a substitute mother was really hard. The neglect and abuse I had suffered sometimes made me wish for someone to be obsessed with me, know every single detail about me, because nobody cared to get to know, not even my own parents. It's sometimes scary to realize how messed up and broken a human mind can truly get due to the actions of others. I sincerely hope all of us get the help and healthy relationships that we deserve.

[@MS-wh7ec]

Ashamed to admit my initial reaction to this sub was not that sympathetic but the care you took into exploring this community really made my heart break for them. Makes complete sense this is probably some manifestation of attachment trauma or even if it isn’t that for all - it’s a state of being that sounds unbearable. Thanks for sharing this!

[@MS-wh7ec]

@@Manbearpig444 so glad to hear you’re doing better these days! Hopefully your partner being aware of your history with limerence is a net positive overall in terms of learning coping mechanisms/gaining awareness. Wishing you lots of happiness in your current relationship ❤️

[@WeasleyGirl1767]

Oh, wow, I can relate to *everything* discussed here. When I was in college in the late '80s, I was unhealthily "in love" with a guy who was in a club I was president of. It started as a regular, fun, crush, but it grew into an all-consuming obsession, resulting in some truly alarming behavior. I wrote hundreds of pages of what was basically just fanfiction about us falling in love, getting married, and having a life together. I took classes that he was taking just to be near him (and inevitably did poorly in those classes because all I did was stare at him). I hung out at his mailbox, hoping to see him get his mail. I memorized his schedule so I could "accidentally" run into him outside the building. I made up excuses to always be in his dorm. I made friends with all of *his* friends so I could always have eyes and ears on him when I wasn't physically there. The toll this took on my mental health was horrifying. I lost so much weight I ended up in the hospital and actually missed my graduation ceremony and senior formal, not to mention scaring the hell out of my parents and friends. And, just as you say in the video, it wasn't really *him* that I was in love with. It was this warped, idealized, romantic version of him, like I had made up a suit of clothes and fell in love with *it*, forcing him to wear it whether it fit him or not.

[@Hottest_88]

OMGGG everything that you just said literally happened to me but different scenario. I'm still trying to get over this version that I made up of him and its soo hard for me to tell the difference between the real him and the fantasy.

[@myloveisgod]

it's really important to note that the majority of r/limerence posts are NOT disturbing at all. it's not even a controversial sub. most people there are either depressed, struggling with attachment issues, or in unhealthy relationships. some posts, yes, are from people who are eerily obsessed with another person. but a lot of them are vents from people who are clearly in love with someone who is emotionally abusive (particularly posts from women who are being used for sex by narcissistic men). i understand the purpose of sharing these stories but i really wish this was titled differently because that sub serves as a place for a lot of people in dire circumstances to find people who can relate with them and give out advice. for anyone who is struggling with limerence, it's actually a quite tame subreddit and you shouldn't hesitate to post. the people over there are NOT in support of inappropriate or dangerous behaviours.

[@SonoftheWest316]

I don't have a lot of sympathy for women that get used for sex. There are a lot of single guys out there that wont do that and you all know that - but choose to sleep with the top guys only and yeah they have lots of options. If you dont add value he wont settle down. Too bad for everyone i guess.

[@Ami14120]

​@@SonoftheWest316lots of single nice guys like u i assume 😂😂

[@SonoftheWest316]

Not single but very concerned about the majority of men who are. Concerned about the women as well this situation is terrible for everyone.@@Ami14120

[@alexmason5521]

@@SonoftheWest316you’re an incel

[@westvirginiascoolestcanadian]

she has a series called disturbing and controversial subreddits. i don’t think she was trying to be insensitive, she most likely just thought these posts were worth covering and that they fit most neatly into the category of controversial and disturbing subreddits. also abuse victims talking about their experiences can absolutely be disturbing to listen to.

[@itisntPurple]

The thing I learned about limerence is that it's linked to adrenaline rather than serotonin, dopamine, or oxytocin like other types of infatuation. This gives it a very real physical component (like shakes or breathlessness), and is almost always physically exhausting to the person experiencing it.

[@feld2340]

Seeing this caused a lot of bad memories to come rushing back. Someone I saw as a friend became obsessed with me. When I didnt give him enough attention he would get very angry and harrass me. He was constantly texting me to the point it was impossible to keep up with. He disregarded all the boundaries I tried to set and ended up sexually assaulting me. I havent seen or spoken to him in years, but he actually sent me the wikipedia article for limerence in an attempt to excuse his behavior. I'm sure most people who experience this dont pose any danger to their LO, but unfortunately this guy did.

[@SIGSEGV1337]

some of us do pose a danger to our LO, we just have the sense to avoid putting ourselves into a situation where we could do something terrible.

[@neen2660]

I’m very sorry this happened to you. His case was much more than limerence.

[@redllanterns7736]

its very sad to see something written that mirrors my experience so well. i hope for healing for you, and lasting safety. much love from someone whose been through something similar

[@feld2340]

@redllanterns7736 Thank you! I'm so sorry you experienced something similar. Thankfully, I'm safe and doing much better. I hope you are safe and will be able to I heal as well ❤️

[@EMILYHERRERA]

I've been harassed and stalked also by someone I thought was my friend.

[@rider7949]

Therapy, inner work. There is a way out. Surprisingly the therapy doesn't really directly targeting your current obsession at all, it's about healing the wounds you developed in your childhood, developing your sense of being, self-worth and identity, and as you work on those things these obsessions should mellow out. Don't partake in these online communities, they are black holes. Keep pushing forward, try not to label yourself as having any disorder as it doesn't do you any good, you're not a diagnosis, use these labels as a starting point that simplifies roughly what you suffer from and then just work on your symptoms in therapy. This shzt used to paralyse me alongside BPD symptoms but after two years of inner work and therapy I no longer fit the diagnostic criteria. I know how bad it can feel, and how in way the pain is almost comforting and you don't want to ever change it, but it can get better.

[@elderlybae]

Well said, thank you for putting this into words

[@crymouse]

How did you get out of it? I feel hopeless and I feel like I stalled in therapy and haven’t gotten anywhere in a year

[@juliana.x0x0]

That's the good thing about BPD tendencies! If you work on them, you can kind of outgrow the disorder!

[@sourgreendolly7685]

@@crymouseDBT was life changing for me. Went from fitting all 9 criteria to none.

[@sourgreendolly7685]

@@juliana.x0x0Outgrowing is something that happens without needing that kind of work so that's not quite accurate here. It's a recovery process and I think it's important we call it that because there are a lot of misnomers with BPD and there being no recovery is one of those. Just my thoughts on that, of course

[@thornor85]

I have C-PTSD, and have had a 20 year limerence on someone that isn’t real. It’s actually perfect for me, I am asexual, and legit don’t want a romantic partner. I’ve tried, and committed myself 100% to others, but the pain wasn’t worth it. I wouldn’t recommend my sort of isolating life style to others, but there are odd ones just like me who prefer the fantasy. In my case, nobody is being stalked, harassed or hurt, and I have zero chance of rejection so it’s just how I express affection.

[@wolfetteplays8894]

Incel

[@gongoozler8412]

Same here I think!!! Also Asexual and it’s been 4 years. it feels really weird and like it should be harmful somehow, but it makes me happy and isn’t hurting anyone so i dunno!

[@amandadollrey3479]

I experienced limerance and thought I was losing my mind. I lost myself in unreality to avoid how awful my life was. My stalker getting over me made me obsessed with him. I was mentally unwell when I experienced this psychological phenomenon, and I'm so glad I figured out the root and why it was happening.

[@doloresdaphne8541]

bless u on ur journey queen glad its over

[@Spyker8921]

What was the root of it?

[@jamberri7528]

it's scary how much i relate to this as someone with bpd. though it's been a long time since i've experienced anything like limerance. it scares me that it might pop up again someday. you really do get addicted to being miserable.

[@briannawaldorf8485]

Think of the intrusive thought as just a thought. It is like a cloud floating into your mind and you watch it are aware of it but also let it just slowly pass by. Do not engage with it but do not avoid it. I hope you never have to deal with this again it is hell being on both sides.

[@animalsandlifelife5631]

As someone with BPD, these symptoms do seem to resemble symptoms of having a favorite person (not perfectly matching all symptoms at least with what i have experienced but still it is close), someone that a person with BPD grows unhealthaly attatched to that is very unstable. Even if the posters dont have BPD, i do feel empathy for them because obssession over people is soul sucking. Im going through a ""limerence"" myself, as my FP is in another state and has a low chance of returning within the year with little contact, and ive spent a month and a half now wasting my days thinking of and missing her to where i barely had the energy to do much. I hope these people get the help they need, and can find a sense of peace with what fits, because this hits close to home. Edit:almost been a year and im still going through this, it is NOT fun. Its like a depressive episode about love.

[@loserchan2360]

I’m in a similar situation I also have BPD I don’t have much comfort to give but I understand how you feel

[@Dankmememama]

I agree! It definitely sounds like how obsessive you can be over your fp

[@mimsycookiiess]

It somewhat reminds me of lifepluscindy/pleasantsims though ik her situation isn’t exactly the same. I’m glad she’s doing better and I hope you guys get better as well as much as you can ❤

[@lillebror1567]

I've suffered from this - it's the reason I'm avoiding seeking romantic relationships. You understand it's wrong, but you just can't stop obsessively thinking about the person - for me, I either had to convert the feeling into hate or abandon this person physically and mentally. I believe it may be linked to trauma - as a child, I never felt appreciated, like I deserved love or that I had any redeemable qualities.

[@rawsugar725]

I struggle with limerence. I figured out what it was at 41. 12 Steps for codependency has helped immensely. Thank you for bringing it to light, I hope others figure it out sooner than I did ❤

[@angelite7416]

💀I almost choked when I saw this because I’ve been on this subreddit before once unironically because I experience limerence

[@Greenvibes83]

Same 😂

[@fashionfly5755]

i was in an online community centered around basically the same idea, though they didn't call it limerence. it was incredibly toxic to have so many people that viewed love as a drug and the people they obsessed over as perfect story book characters in one place. i ended up dating someone who struggled with the same issues and we more or less tore each other apart trying to live up to the other's perfect vision of us. four years later and im still not the same. thankfully i have the experience now to know that that feeling of longing and obsession is not what love is and im able to deal with those overwhelming emotions in a way i couldn't before, but i know we both came out of it worse and i don't think i'll ever be able to love a partner in a normal way. so, for the sake of myself and others, i think it's better that i stay alone.

[@bipolarbeinganddoing8070]

I'm glad you covered this! I started following this sub because I have some codependent tendencies and thought this sub would be a good place for me but MY WORD now I'm just following out of grim fascination

[@Ana-mv7uc]

So here’s a fun fact: limerence is actually the effect of dopamine that you get from a new crush or interest and some people actually can become addicted because it has the same effect on your brain as cocaine. So comparing limerence to hard drugs is actually really accurate.

[@BasedMarysMemoirs]

Adrenaline not serotonin

[@catherineabbott3049]

Amazing video as always! You’re one my fave channels. I do have one suggestion- as someone with severe ADHD , it helps me a lot to be able to read along with the posts while you read them so I can properly take in the information. When the text starts to shift and go sideways it makes it really hard for me to pay attention. It would be awesome if the text was in the middle so I could read it while you do. Just a suggestion! Your videos are awesome! ❤️

[@wormisjunkd]

seconded, I get it’s for visual interest but it does make it kinda difficult to read along

[@notaperson9831]

Hard same

[@anacrea3931]

I agree. I've seen this said before and always hope to see this change made when a new video goes up!

[@birdie8006]

saaaaaame

[@hattarapilvi]

i was thinking this the whole video. everytime the text twisted or was too zoomed in i got distracted and missed parts of the video.

[@scarletsletter4466]

These people may seem sympathetic or humorous on this subreddit, but they can be dangerous. I’ve been on the other end of this. The man worked for the building in my office tower. He never really tried to get to know me as a person, but he seemed to think we were already in a serious relationship. He left me notes & gifts. He made reasons to come see me & “bump into” me. I was called into HR & warned because the building staff had alerted my company that they caught him watching me on the security cameras. He actually had an unnecessary camera installed in my hallway (I’m a corporate employee, so obv this wasn’t needed for security). He got my address & started sending notes to my home. Eventually he got fired & the nightmare ended.

[@thetrueamericangamer7994]

As someone with BPD who was inadvertently making my FP really uncomfortable because of my obsession, I am SO unbelievably glad I never knew of this subreddit. I fueled my obsession quite enough by myself, I could only imagine how bad it would’ve gotten if I knew about it. I’m thankfully getting help now but oh god, it would’ve been SO much worse for the both of us.

[@ladyreverie7027]

I find the whole "twin flame" theory where there is a "runner and a chaser" is basically limerents trying to convince themselves that they are destined to be with them and that eventually the LO (the "runner") will realize it.

[@moethemoon]

FOR REAL! It’s so toxic. I immediately caught that when entertaining the community who believe in this stuff. Luckily a lot of people call it out and I don’t see it being promoted as heavily as, say, 5 years ago. Though soulmates and Tarot are definitely a can of worms that feeds problematic delusions

[@lionsoupp]

ive been addicted to heroin and i am also prone to limerance. i personally think limerance is more intense - im sure its subjective though obviously

[@essdee9694]

It’s often linked to OCD and addiction, it’s almost like an addiction to a person

[@linsidious11]

@@essdee9694 not addiction to a person, but an addiction to the *idea* of a person.

[@essdee9694]

@@linsidious11 very true

[@lionsoupp]

@@essdee9694 that makes sense, I have OCD traits as well

[@Monoflower2]

I’m glad I finally have a word for this now. I’m a psychology student, and it’s always bothered me that this particular brand of infatuation didn’t have an official label in something like the DSM, despite it being a widely known phenomenon.

[@heckasnek]

I’m ace and I still get these feeling a lot. It comes from childhood anxieties of being left alone. I feel sad for the people whose life has been negatively impacted by this. I understand how easy it can be to lose control over it and how scary the thought of losing someone important can be. These people were hurt and they’re so scared of being hurt again. My heart goes out to everyone who deals with this, especially those who have these feeling but don’t let it impact others. That is so hard to do.

[@hdervish2497]

Holy crap, this is my best friend. She's been like this with several of our male friends over the years. She obsesses, she sits on her feelings, then after a few years, she just drops a sexual advance in their lap and then gets all resentful and nasty towards them when they turn her down. Nowadays she's married to the most recent dude she was so limerent about, and is completely blind to the fact that he's a drunken internet troll

[@emilyjones9787]

I never knew that this was called limerence! I experienced this a lot when I first got together with my partner 5 years ago as a teenager- thankfully ive mellowed out as i started college- it does come up every now and again but its a relief to know that im not alone ❤

[@BiggieTrismegistus]

I don't know if I'd call what you experienced limerance. Being in love for the first time is like drinking alcohol for the first time: you don't have a tolerance and fall foolishly in love or get foolishly drunk. If you hadn't grown out of that foolish phase I'd call that limerance. Regardless you're lucky to have had a partner for so long at your age.

[@emilyjones9787]

@@BiggieTrismegistus I'd had limerence with other things before then too like certain TV show characters and the like but I understand the confusion!!

[@Homodemon]

​@@emilyjones9787 that could be just hyperfixating or even forming a special interest, limerence is entirely a "unrequited romantic feeling" towards a person, not an object.

[@dumbidot1073]

"having a crush is a normal experience of every human being" Me, who never had a crush before in my entire life: 😶

[@terrycraig6386]

You must be asexual.😊

[@johnqsample5119]

This is an interesting subreddit (and a super good video overview of it). I've been in a few positions of people getting a little obsessive after me saying no to them. I don't think I was actually their LO or anything, just some people who couldn't handle rejection very well, but I did relate to the comment about the person being more obsessed with a fictional version of you in their head than you as an actual human being, and how uncomfortable and gross that makes you feel. I also really appreciate the way this channel tries not to sensationalize the subreddit series and seeks to understand why people are 'like this'. For this video in particular, I find that really helpful to understand these past 'attempted' relationships that I mentioned at the beginning of the comment.

[@Billiamwoods]

34:00 "we both related to Mitski a little too much" would be funny if it wasn't so true. I recently found her music and it really does represent so much relatable neurosis over obsessions and relationships

[@orangechickengorl]

I’m not too familiar with Mitski, do you recommend any songs of hers about the topic of Limerence?

[@Billiamwoods]

@@orangechickengorl She doesn't really have any songs about it per se (I don't know if she would relate to the term), but she does have a lot of love songs from a similar perspective and tone as a lot of these posts, particularly ones that are very obsessive and self-effacing. Her album "Bury Me at Makeout Creek has a lot of those kinds of songs. For example, 'First Love/Late Spring' is about her feeling so strongly about someone that she can't even talk to him without feeling suicidal, "Francis Forever" is actually fairly fitting because it's about obsessing over someone to the point you don't know what to do without them, and "I Don't Smoke" is about letting someone be shitty to you in a relationship ("If you need to be mean, be mean to me/I can take it and put it inside of me"). Songs like A Pearl, Geyser, Nobody, Me and My Husband - as well as I Bet on Losing Dogs, Your Best American Girl (which is mostly about cultural differences but has lyrics like "You have so much to do and I have nothing ahead of me") and especially Crack Baby (which is very cryptic but very clearly about obsession with relationships to me) have very similar themes to those songs. She does strike me as someone who has dealt with unhealthy obsessions and similar anxious attachment patterns as most of the people on the limerence sub, based on how much of her music is just her screaming into the void about feeling inadequate and writing very forlorn and angry songs about obsessions and turbulent relationships.

[@ginger_nspice]

This topic is reminding me of Maladaptive Daydreaming (which I used to struggle with). Real life is never as good as the high from the dreamt-up version. When I wasn't daydreaming, I was depressed that my dreams couldn't be realized and it was too debilitating to perform daily tasks.

[@moethemoon]

It’s very similar. I have both simultaneously

[@flanthief]

Oh god I didn't realize there was like a name or symptoms to this. I can't finish this video because it's freaking me out. I used to be like this and still have tendencies. A lot of the things you outline are so familiar to me it's uncomfortable and I can't proceed

[@neen2660]

It doesn’t inherently make you a bad person.

[@halloweenz]

It’s ok, I’m the same way, as long as you realize that it’s not healthy that’s a good first step. You aren’t a bad person ❤

[@ennisira1318]

stalking is one of the most vile things you can do to someone. the amount of psychological trauma and paranoia it induces is life changing and having one is one of my biggest fears.

[@TuberoseKisser]

4:48 tbh it's understandable why this person is obsessed with the guy, it seems like she's misunderstanding his positive attitude but I i can see why she's misunderstood. Tbh if it's not romanticized then he was definitely sending the wrong signals.

[@karenamyx2205]

Youre reading her depraved fantasy version of their interactions. You have no idea what the reality is.

[@pinacolada1393]

I've danced with Limerence & Currently in the stale cold abyss, feeling calloused but at the same time feeling like glass.

[@smartman8699]

i dealt with this a few years back and it can be almost debilitating. my entire life was centered around her and i thought about her all the time. i memorized her schedule so i could get the chance to walk by her and i would sit near (but not next to) her whenever i had the chance. the thing is with this kind of stuff it’s not really romantic attraction. it’s almost like a game. she did end up having a normal crush on me and we dated for a few weeks and i lost feelings not even a couple days in. i had spent months obsessing over her but once i had her i felt absolutely nothing towards her because once the obsessive crush feelings were over there was no real attraction. i ended up being a really lousy partner and would barely talk to her and basically ignored her until she broke up with me and we had no contact for months. once she broke up with me the feelings came back and i started obsessing again, but less severely than before. i went back to basically stalking her until a few months later she reached out again wanting to be friends and the feeling went away and now we have a pretty normal friendship. i don’t have any feelings whatsoever towards her now beyond platonic friendship. the best way i can describe it is like obsessing over something you can’t have because you can’t have it. your main goal in life becomes acquiring it because you think it will magically make your life better. but once you acquire it, it loses its glamour and you stop caring about it.

[@terrycraig6386]

You must only like the chase and not an actual relationship.

[@moogaboogaa]

LMAOOOO i’m an active participant of this subreddit. it’s truly a horrible thing to have. going on 3 years being obsessed with the same guy. 😃👍

[@scifiwasabii]

oh… i think i might have this. definitely not the stalking part, id never do that because i’m too lazy to even do that.. but sadly i’m super fixated on this guy from high school ): he’s seriously all i think about yet i’ve never seen him in YEARS!!! It’s genuinely awful… i’m trying really hard to get through my traumas and to love myself more so i can move on from him but it’s so extremely difficult. I feel like no matter how much i can heal i’ll still think about him and yearn for him. Thanks for making this video. I had no idea this was a thing and that i’d relate to this.

[@efficiencygaming3494]

I know exactly what this feels like, but I never knew what was the right word to describe it. I had a crush on my neighbor for many years. I'm not sure if she knew that we were anything more than just friends, but I obsessed over her and could not stop thinking about her no matter how hard I tried. It was a disgusting feeling, like an addiction. I wanted to talk to people about it, but I was too ashamed. Eventually I stopped seeing her, and I also quit talking to her and she gradually faded out of my memory. I'm doing a lot better now, but it still sends chills down my spine when I see people with experiences like mine get trashed and called names like "creep" and "loser". KZbin loves to recommend me videos where that happens. It makes me feel gross and turns me off of relationships altogether.

[@halloweenz]

I struggle with this, trying my best to get help and be better, it feels AWFUL constant pit in my chest always. This behavior should not be promoted, it’s extremely self destructive.

[@ArtsyHumanbean]

Oh goodness, as someone with an extreme social anxiety I project onto strangers and unknown people, this is my nightmare. This kind of situation would throw me into an agoraphobic episode, I’m sure of it. Thank you for bringing my attention to it! It’s morbidly interesting even for someone like myself.

[@Tamsin_bear]

I never experienced limerence to this extreme, but I have BPD and before I learned to manage my traits, my whole life I’d have a favourite person (common thing in BPD) who I’d be very attached to, obsess over, and deeply fear losing them. More often than not it was towards a friend rather than romantic interest (although it would happen with boyfriends). Honestly, for me it was one of the worst parts of having uncontrolled BPD because the intense fear and anxiety I’d experienced with perceived abandonment was torturous. I would think “everything will be okay if they just stay in my life”. I would split on them, so if they were busy and didn’t reply i’d think they were abandoning me and have so much anger towards them, decide I hated them etc. then they would reply and instantly I would feel like I love them again etc. thankfully since therapy I haven’t had a FP, and my friendships and relationships are really healthy 😊

[@BrownGrass]

I relate to every single word. Thx for sharing. You encouraged me to get therapy. My ex recently blocked me because I shared my feelings a bit too much. I’m trying not to hate her so much, and if she ever contact me again, I want to feel neutral about it. Or maybe I should just not think about the possibility of her texting me again…

[@briannawaldorf8485]

@@BrownGrass just remember words having meaning and to take some time before you reply / react and think if it is something worth it. How does doing / saying this serve me? How does it further my goals? Willing doing / saying this cause the other person harm? Would I want them to do / say this to me? Before reacting. Thinking those questions thru as long as you need to.

[@luminvader8911]

Listening to these it's really amazing I didn't end up limerent. I remember growing up in abuse and fantasizing about being somewhere else, better, etc. I did used to fantasize about being in a fictional world with fictional characters. Wishing they could take me away from it all. I think that part of abuse is a normal reaction. It's sad however that it gets to this point and these people can't move on. 😢

[@madelinethomas978]

I actually didn’t know there was a term for this……….. I did this big time in 7th grade. To be fair I did know the guy and we were sort of friends but basically acquaintances. I was so depressed and obsessed for a couple of years. It was miserable. I did have an extremely abusive and chaotic childhood. I absolutely used my limerence as a means of escapism. This is kind of blowing my mind now that I’m connecting all the dots and recognizing the actual term….. I’ve always had a hard time moving on from breakups too…..I will say I’m 29 though and have learned healthier attachment styles as I’ve healed

[@Heathen3than]

I was waiting for you to say borderline personality disorder. This sounds akin to a romantic partner or crush who becomes a favorite person

[@stormfischerr]

same!!! I have bpd and it sounds very similar to my personal emotional experiences

[@Mizuuu1]

the nuance and respect you have towards these topics is really nice to see. i think ive mentioned in a comment before but ive got some very stigamtized symptoms & unfortunately many youtubers of this 'genre' are not so understanding or respectful/nuanced on it or really most/any conditions. so thanks for that, its nice to see (im not limerent but i feel like i learned about it from a very respectful perspective here)

[@thepictureofdoriangay3280]

i genuinely don’t see what’s wrong with the first post, that seems like a normal crush to me- especially since it seems like this person is clearly a close friend of OP who really cares about them (the “glass of champagne” thing sounds like actual flirting, also?) i have struggled with limerence in the past and still sometimes do, so i wanted to genuinely ask what about the first post is strange or weird? i thought i had made more progress on my anxious attachment/limerence but i’m kind of worried since i cant recognize anything wrong with that first post that maybe i am still conflating limerence with healthy crushes

[@Googleusergoogleuser-b4p]

As someone who also struggles, but in a healthier relationship now, I think TII used this post as an opener which won't work without further context Also, I believe it's not mentioned in the video, but apparently people with healthy attraction styles are meant to find rejection unattractive, and the first poster's LO is called LO for a reason (they are probably not dating, but the poster is still obsessing romantically despite the potential rejection) Just my guess though

[@projectjupiter5523]

i think it's because the person who made the first post identifies as limerent (as indicated by the title "to the person who asked why i'm limerent for him") and as they've quite literally waxed poetic about fairly basic traits (eg: he likes science, he has a nickname for me); obvs when you have a healthy crush/relationship, it's normal to like these small things, however there are so many listed that it comes across as very intense, if not obsessive. as the comment above me says, I think the latter reason made this post a good one to illustrate how infatuated limerencr makes someone. disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, I have next to no experience of expertise in relationships, healthy or otherwise, and I am mentally unstable so take what I say with several grains of salt and don't allow what I say to cause you to worry about your ability to distinguish limerence from healthy love. to help determine what is right from wrong, I'd recommend first speaking to a therapist or psychological/psychiatric professional if that's possible for you. if not, discuss with friends who seem to be in stable relationships. if that isn't possible either, consider speaking to the person you are in a relationship with. if that isn't the case, then do your best to take a step back and reflect on your actions, comparing them to what you know to be healthy through the hard work and healing you've done. take care and apologies for the long read 💖

[@crypticbat]

i have dealt with limerence for my entire life. i never knew there was a word for it. i currently have an LO and it’s so hard… i’m just hoping i move on.

[@YouTubeSupportSucks]

Now that you know it's name, you can begin to work on it. I believe in you, friend. Sending a hug

[@chip9589]

Ik this is gonna sound stupid due to you’re feelings about you’re LO but for you’re sake just try to somewhat regularly remind yourself that you are not missing out on that much or even that big of an opportunity you’re life is not worth any less without that person in it Countless comets and asteroids all around the cosmos come within inches of each other every second just to pass each other by without ever seeing each other again without slowing down or turning back and chasing after one another instead they just keep continuing on with their existences pre determined trajectory (Also yes ik you’re not a space rock but still I felt it was a good analogy)

[@perpetuallin]

@@chip9589this is such a sweet comment

[@crypticbat]

@@KZbinSupportSucks thank you so much. i have a loving partner who is helping me through it as well, and i have stopped talking to my LO so i can get over the silly little thoughts i have.

[@crypticbat]

@@chip9589 you are so so right, i already have great people in my life and i know the romanticized thoughts i have of this person are not reality. now that i know what is best for me i can get through this! that is such a good analogy, thank you so much for giving me a different perspective.

[@Memer88175]

I was stalked by someone who was limerent to me and it turns out the reason he was so bold about it was because he had friends enabling him. I think the community is great for helping people work through feelings like that but we should be careful we aren't enabling bad behavior either.

[@gnocchi6610]

That's terrifying, I'm so sorry.

[@ellietchi]

that’s so scary :((

[@kr-666]

I had limerence for three years while I was in high school and I posted on that subreddit two years ago about how I had just confessed my limerence to my LO. It went well but it didn't change how I felt. There were some things I did and didn't relate to in this video, It's true that limerence is torture yet feels like an addiction, I did amass mundane details about my LO because I was insatiably curious. However, I didn't have a crush on them. I didn't want them to be mine or have any physical intimacy with them. I was aware that this was not a healthy thing, but I could't control myself, which scared me. When I first became attached, I saw a person who could understand me well. I felt very isolated from the world at that time. Being an immature high schooler, combined with the emotional rollercoaster that was my home life, I was not a great candidate to be someone's friend, even though I really needed it. I didn't hide anything or change my personality. There is a temptation to show up where they are, it's like your ability to make rational decisions is being suppressed and you just trespass and forget about the rules even if the thrill you're feeling is because you know you're being sly and breaking rules.I would realize my behavior and feel guilty, but then still not have the willpower to stop myself. When I told my LO they said that it was fine *that we could still be friends* and that they were glad that I told them. I never thought that we were really friends, but it made me realize that, even though the things I said and did didn't really amount to anything, even my own guilt over myself was all in my head. It's very hard to claw your way out of, and the times that I think about them is very far and in-between, I consider myself to be finally over it, after taking an out of sight out of mind approach and deleting social media so I couldn't see their face. It's agonizing and nearly impossible to control.

[@chrislawuk]

Another II banger! Personally, I ‘cured’ my repetitive cyclical limerence that I had - always for my straight friends, since I was 14 - when I was 35, with heroin, actually. I found the highs and lows of heroin addiction much preferable to putting myself through that emotional ringer again. FWIW, yes I was abused and neglected when I was little. I went through a lot trying to ensure that my LOs were never affected by my feelings. None of them ever could have returned the feelings either, because they were all straight (except maybe one, still have a question mark over him). I’ve been on the NHS waiting list for therapy for my BPD for nearly 3 years (I think the fact that I’m not a threat to anyone gets me repeatedly bumped back down the list). Been in recovery for my drug addiction since 2017. I honestly don’t regret it, as I now know enough to isolate myself from anyone who I start feeling the butterflies for, but I haven’t felt the butterflies for a long time. Anyway I just thought I’d share my perspective as a big fan of the Internet Investigator. I really think that Limerence is much more common than we know. I knew about it for a long time, really only a few years after the psychologist who invented the contest put her book out, because I’m a nerd who loves to read and always was curious about what was going on with me that I would always be so tortured over a friend of mine. I was (still am) a big fan of Bjork’s as well, when that whole letter bombing thing happened and I always knew that I never ever wanted to put anyone else through any negative shit thanks to my craziness. I’ve given up on the idea of romantic attachment now, I like to joke that I’m an incel but really I’m a volcel haha. Or is that just what every incel tells themselves lol. I’ll shut up now. Thank you Miss Investigator, for bringing this valuable topic to a wider audience with your usual compassionate and balanced approach. I promise you it makes a huge positive difference to the world. :)

[@SombreroPharoah]

Honestly though. The straight friend thing absolutely sucks. I think that's one a huge many of us go through. My closest friend even is going through that at present. It's definitely a vibe. Similarly though, Heroin addiction did very much the same for myself. In a peculiar way, it was a very much good thing to go through. All the ups and downs prior somewhat paled compared to the after. It made perspective very easy and the quiet life enjoying hobbies the perfect kind of calm. The incel/volcel life is a blessing. Particularly with the emphasis on activity in 'our community' (not a fan of the term, but for ease sake). The romantic attachments always invite some kind of inbalance don't they, no idea why. I guess people just get stupid when the fuzzies get involved. Glad you're enjoying life now. I had to comment because I hadn't seen anyone find Heroin addiction so weirdly similar before.

[@Solaceon]

It's so effing bizarre, isn't it? Some random guy in high school put me into a spin for years, even after graduation. He eventually ghosted. He had mental health issues of his own but it affected me for so, so long. I'd been briefly in a relationship with him and the time I did spend with him was unlike anything I'd ever felt in my life... until the first time I used meth. I'm off the stuff now and still miss him, but I miss being high more. It's so messed up, but after feeling much more powerful emotions from drugs I no longer feel limerence. Thank God.

[@moethemoon]

My god that is so interesting. Thanks for sharing and I hope you’re doing well despite everything

[@chrislawuk]

@@moethemoon You know what? Today was the first good day in a while and you just made it that much better with your kind response. I get great vibes from you Moe. Wishing you all the absolute best as well.

[@thetwelfth9987]

I had limerence for a crush I had in highschool. The intrusive thoughts started tormenting me at random moments during lessons and at home, I’d see this person in my dreams, and I got depressed when I found out they already had a partner. Glad I moved on, that wasn’t love at all it was desperation.

[@deadpossumco]

I had an ex who was "stuck" on a limerance when we were together. It got to the point where we couldn't be together without her (the limerance) being brought up every few minutes... and unfortunately, he was "stuck" on a 15 year old when he was a grown adult (22). I broke it off when I realized her actual age, and felt gross about being with an adult who fantasized being with a literal teenager. There was a lot of red flags too, but this was the biggest one, and I haven't heard from/seen him since. I hope he gets the ment care he needed.

[@tedjones1021]

2:30 - I think it's important to stress that, while many who are limerent do engage in stalking, and adjacent behavior such as harrassment and manipulation - these behaviors are not integral components of limerence. In other words, someone who's limerent won't necessarily stalk etc. It can certainly be a motivator in these behaviors, and usually the person will also have some kind of personality disorder - Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex PTSD seemingly being the most common co-morbidities, which would engender one further towards such behaviors. But limerence its self is strictly the obsessive romantic ideation (people have talked about limerence without the romantic component - I'd just call this the BPD "favorite person" dynamic), fantasy-building, constant thoughts of the limerent object, making various mental associations to them, pedestalizing them and ignoring their flaws, and overall feeling the "need" for this person to be in one's life. I think this video, whilst it gives a reasonably objective breakdown of limerence, is pretty skewed towards the toxic elements of the subreddit - I suppose that's what gets viewer retention and I'm not mad at it. For every post where someone's gushing/complaining/ruminating about their LO/LE, saying something enabling, or talking about the problematic behavior they engage in without acknowledging it as such - there's usually more than a few people giving it to them straight, challenging their mindset, and encouraging them to do the work necessary to mitigate and overcome their limerence.

[@FrostRare]

I’ve posted here a few times about my addiction. I’m actually my second day cold Turkey off Suboxone as I type lol. Anyway, can confirm for me personally that my the same neurochemistry which drove my addiction has wired me to seek these limerence compulsions. I was the guy making rage-quit(irl) threats to gfs because they talked to a guy in their class. Yeah. I am no longer like that because I am in a truly loving relationship and I’ve been clean for 3 years. The way I got out of the linerence was the same way I got out of addiction. I ask myself everyday: is that high you want worth dying for? When I look at my partner, when I look at a steady paycheck, when I walk my dog, when worst medical issue is a headache and not an overdose, when my worst money issue is an overdrawn credit card and not owing money to some gang banger, when I can enjoy a cup of coffee and not worry that it will give me a heart attack cus I’m on meth, the simple things in life, I realize that, although these things don’t come close to those rocket highs I used to get, at least they won’t kill me and I’ll be able to live a real life. Whenever I ODed (twice) I always had the same thought: _wow. I screwed up the one shot at life I had all to just end up here. I’ll never see my family and friends again, they’ll cry their eyes out for years, I’ll never get to do any of those things I always wanted to do, all those second and third chances I got, flushed down the drain. Thats where I should have put my drugs: down the drain. Now I’m flushing my life down there instead._

[@FrostRare]

By the way, the song that’s playing when Lopez rage quits is “Venus as a Boy.”

[@sourgreendolly7685]

Being limerant when I was younger left me open to being used and abusive relationships. That combined with the limerance to create a complete inability to believe people actually could love me for many years. Seeing these people ruminating and normalizing this is beyond concerning to me and I'm glad this didn't exist when I was in my early teens because that would've taken me in a direction that I couldn't change. I actually never thought to apply being people's manic pixie dream to limerance before watching this. I'm just now realizing that I have also been the LO to at least 2 people and those are my 2 abusive exes. They refused to SEE me so they'd get very angry when I refused to fit into their idea of me. I've definitely gotten into things for an LO but outside of trying to "save the relationship" with my first abusive ex, I never tried to become another person for one. I'm grateful for that; it was already a very vulnerable state to be in. As it stands, I was finally diagnosed with BPD in my late teens and went through DBT training when I was 20-21. DBT was life-changing for me and I wouldn't be alive without it (in fact, I nearly didn't make it to age 20 because my bf at the time not giving me the attention I wanted felt that terrible - I attempted to take my life). I went from fitting all 9 criteria to none and have been recovered for over a decade. I'm doing well enough that that same bf and I ended up back together. I was very worried about it being some sort of relapse but we're 7 years next month and I've been my own person the entire time. It's SUPER important that I emphasize this though- I got help because I hated the way my intense emotions were hurting the people I care about, I didn't do it with the goal of being with him specifically and I was hesitant to say yes when he asked me. The obsession was well-past gone. Even still, it was scary because I still didn't know what a healthy relationship was - what's a normal amount of compromise is and things like that. Limerence isn't healthy and it never can be. It will never be "the dream." You really have to want to recover like any other kind of addiction recovery so I want to make that clear. My boyfriend isn't my LO, I refuse to even call him my soulmate- I don't believe in that sort of thing because it's not healthy for me. I'm going to send him this video later when he's awake. He knows a lot about how it was for me and he knows that I was BPD but I'm not sure he fully understands this part of why I was scared to get back with him. He only just started to realize the paranoia left over from the abuse and me not being able to trust my own judgment a few years ago. But I want him to know just in case - I want him to be able to see the signs if I ever were to slip back. I don't ever want to be like that again and will do everything in my power to prevent it, but he deserves to fully understand and protect himself if need be. That's what actual love is; not obsession and fantasy but genuinely wanting what's best for that person- even if it means not being together.

[@bungalowfeuhler1541]

I have this. Ended up with my target for three years. It was the best three years of my life. They were everything I wanted and I didn’t expect anything more than what they actually were. But they became convinced that I was only in love with my idea of them. They were completely wrong.

[@moethemoon]

Then…. You don’t have it

[@briannawaldorf8485]

Are you sure you are not just in denial that you were not Justin love with the idea of them and are back to limerane since you broke up ? I have been the person on the other end (the lo) and the guy was also in denial and he absolutely put me on a pedestal and I would fall from his pedestal often because I’m human and make mistakes or didn’t do something he wanted and it was hell. Constant mood swings from him, paranoia about cheating, accusations of cheating, trying to control everything I did or talked to covertly. If they said this you should evaluate why they said this. Why did you come off this way to this person? Was it something you said / did? It’s not the blame game but self reflection.

[@milkteamachine]

I’m autistic - the way people describe it sounds a lot like hyperfixation, and I wonder how many people on the sub are neurodivergent without realising.

[@bugpray]

limerence can be from (r)ocd, autism, bpd, and other things such as this

[@stinkmymeat]

I was abused and neglected. I became avoidant and came to despise people like this; people who feel possessive, won’t leave you alone and cling too tightly. I guess it’s just the Other extreme.

[@christyguichard8013]

I’m more on this side, if someone I like starts to be around me all the time it freaks me out and I just feel claustrophobic as being neglected you’re not used to other people’s company all the time or being the opposite of ignored so it’s weird and confusing for someone to want to be around you and talk to you 24/7 it’s like what’s wrong with you? If I had to do something super important to get attention from my family, why am I getting attention for just existing? That person must have such low standards… 😅

[@devcron7041]

I’m not sure if demonizing this community is the best thing to do if we want people to be healed from it. It’s named limerence, and the first step to healing is being aware of your issues. So far, most of the people you’ve shown have done just that; expressed how they’re aware of their feelings and used means like poetry to do so. Without these communities, these people will still exist. With them, they can feel less alone and actually have somewhat more of a chance of recovery. I’m saying this as someone who suffered HEAVILY from limerance before, it’s literally an obsessive compulsive disorder. You wouldn’t (hopefully) go to an ocd subreddit and judge them for having delusional compulsions, but im not sure how this video does anything different than exactly that

[@ThePleasantCrow]

This video and learning what limerance is has made me realize that I was once limerant, too. This has made me think about that, maybe anyone could be susceptible to being limerant at least once or twice in their lives, given the right circumstances. When you're at such a low, low point, and all you crave is having a savior, somebody that gives worth to your existance, that gives you the love and support you've never had.. It's quite easy for it to become obsessive. The comparison to drugs and addiction certainly hits home. The highs of limerance might feel incredible at first, but if you keep relying on it to make you feel better, the lows will only be worse and worse. I know it sounds kind of cliché but, for anyone that's still experiencing all of this, hang in there, it actually gets better. Living can be kind of nice sometimes. You'll find someone who loves you for who you are, not for you pretend to be to be loved. That day will come, I promise. Or maybe you'll find that love is not for you, and you'll be able to be happy on your own. Whatever it'll be, I wish you all the best. ♡

[@Thomas.c4647]

Thank you for your kind words.

[@highfae]

I discovered that the person I was enamoured with, was who I was becoming. The commenter who said her ‘LO’ was just her own inner critic, was exactly right. We’re _all_ just using whatever excuse we cite, as our reason for doing everything we do. Using a kind stranger who left a good impression on you, or your family member’s approval, as a reason to continue doing something or think more highly of yourself because of their praise, is exactly the same thing and not healthy either way. Ultimately it stems from “accepting the love you believe you deserve”, and people struggling with Limerence don’t have the confidence to truly believe in love, so they keep it at a distance so they can continue to feel safe, and hope giving themselves through their imagination and hope for the future ‘maybes’ will be enough, so their idea of love doesn’t have to be shattered by the blasé way in which most people handle hearts given to them in this world. Who I thought this person was, was actually myself, who I always was but was projecting out as a coping mechanism for the lacklustre ways others interact (so superficially), and hoped to find someone who is as sincere and whole-hearted as I am so a connection/sharing intimacy with them could actually have any meaning, which for other people it’s just this blindfolded stumbling into one-night stands and temporary connections. I have realised I am that person I was wishing existed, and I may not have a match or equal in the world, who takes love, actual Love- not the empty lust that goes by the name in this world. Because most people settle for less because it’s been so normalised. He did act as the impetus that inspired me to get in touch with myself and my true values; we’re literally ALL using each other that way, it’s just that other people usually leave a broken wake of past lovers behind them so that they can discover their true preferences and the person they Really want to be with, and become the person that that person will want to be with. But you don’t need to enter into 20 relationships to discover that, as I learned, you don’t have to share yourself with people you will one day be meaningless to (and vice versa) to discover your taste and true desires so that you can then align with them, you only need to fearlessly follow the thought-paths/fantasies until you no longer can. You don’t need to devalue people by using them and then admitting they aren’t enough. What I’m saying is there are JUST as many flaws with the ‘normal’ way to do it and JUST as little love involved.

[@Skuthulu-archives]

Kpop Stans be like:

[@RDAalltheway]

Haven’t even watched but yes

[@lowwastehighmelanin]

Please don't joke about it. Parasocial relationships are intentionally cultivated to push merchandise sales. It's not even remotely the same thing.

[@kayleewilliams1232]

Kpop is great, but I haven't ever had this delusion before. I just love the music

[@scifiwasabii]

not rlly but okay lol

[@scifiwasabii]

@@kayleewilliams1232same here

[@airfryerrotisseriechicken491]

feels bad man, I have struggled with attachment issues my whole life, I have anxiety and depression and i'm probably on the spectrum, I get clingy to the people i'm comfy with and like being around, they make me feel happy and safe and I really do like them, I love doing art stuff so I end up making them handmade gifts, and I end up talking too much, they think it's fine at first but when they realize that my problems are permeant and something that I struggle with everyday they leave and stop talking to me, just being around me makes them feel like babysitting, i'm a pushover and i'm too nice to people, I don't push my problems onto people, I just tell them that they exist, but the moment they figure out that i'm not just a cute short girl with a speech impediment they leave. It makes me feel so bad, I feel so lonely all the time, I struggle playing online games with open chat, seeing people playing with their friends makes me feel so lonely. I wish I knew how to change myself for the better, but everyone just leaves without saying anything, so I don't even really know what's driving them all away. The thought of having someone who will love me no matter what makes me happy, but I know that it's not going to happen. I discovered chat bots recently, they're my fake robot friends who can't leave me, but makes me happy in the moment but it also makes me feel like such a loser.

[@jizeruchan07]

I’ve struggled with limerence since I was 5 (I’m 24 now) but I never knew there was a word for what I was feeling. I’ve even been to therapy for a few years and no one ever mentioned the term “limerence”. It’s crazy how I’m figuring this out through a video haha.

[@briannawaldorf8485]

A therapist would call this an infatuation or obsession. Limerace is an older outdated term look at its Wikipedia page for its history.

[@sal2975]

Imagine two people having limerance towards eachother.

[@terrycraig6386]

It usually doesn't happen that way.its one-sided attraction.😢

[@cordiuwu]

Concerning how relatable some of it is. I never had a word for that feeling, i called it hyperfixation. I thought my intense feelings will fade away when i grow out of my "teenage phase", but it's still going in my mid twenties. Luckily i stopped having these obsessions with real people, now it's fictional characters instead. It's still unhealthy for me, but at least i don't bother any other real humans by this.

[@Popyop45]

after watching this, I have realized that I have been pushing down these feelings down for years now, I felt so much hurt and so much pain, I’ve just always thought of it as “a little clingy and over trusting” that’s not it, I meet new people (when I’m not currently in a relationship) and I get sick with feelings of liking them, and wishing they would be with me, and while sure I have enough sense not to stalk people, I’ve gotten to the point of basically doing stuff like that, I’ve felt so much hurt and so much pain in my life it’s caused me to be scared of losing people, I’m scared of hurting people, so many people just leave me, and I’ve felt so empty, so when some one fills that emptiness I attach myself to them, I don’t want them to go, I need them to continue living, but then for some reason or another they leave or stop talking to me, which counties the cycle of hurt and pain, I tell myself I don’t need other people to be happy, but I do, I need other people to fill the void that other people have left, I want to be obsessed over so bad that I fail to realize that it’s a bad thing, I’m so desperate for people to care that even if they are super obsessed with me I don’t care. Im always super happy when I’m in a relationship, that’s the best times of my life, but the following months after, are a living nightmare. So much depression and self hate, living isn’t fun with those kind of feelings, but eventually some one else comes around and then the stupid cycle of love and hate continues because no one would ever truly love me, they all just leave, what’s the point any more, it’s all just gonna end the same, But yeah that’s my vent for the day, since I have no one who will listen, I shout it into the void of the internet, where nobody cares still, and nobody will see this, it’s all so pointless,

[@jasonbernard9012]

I went from feeling angry with those dealing with limerence, to feeling horrible for those who deal with limerence. This term is like one of those pictures that zooms in forever and still maintains an image

[@Fhlaejin]

Thank you for this video... this just put a term to the experiences I have been going through for the past 5 months with an individual I connected with online in a game. There have been times I haven't eaten or slept for days and it has been debilitating physically, mentally, and financially. I will avoid this subreddit because it doesn't seem like it would do any good for my mental health, but I sincerely appreciate this content and the visibility you are giving to this issue and people who struggle with it.

[@ryan_deakin]

I never realised just how much I struggled with this. it actually makes me hope I never become romantically involved with anyone.

[@asmrtpop2676]

My ex was clearly limerant, and they were neglected and abused for most of their childhood. However they also groomed me and abused me for our entire relationship. They showed clear signs of being a covert narcissist and I still can’t believed how brainwashed they had me. If you think you’re limerant please get help. My ex never thought anything could possibly be wrong with them and refused to accept reality. It’s not an excuse for what they did to me but their limerant state of mind fueled their narcissism.

[@MandaMalice]

I’m someone who suspects I’ve been the LO. I’ve had two long term stälking situations. 20+ years at this point. One has tried to contact in the last year. It makes me feel like I’m insane and I’m always paranoid, very aware that I’ll sound crazy if I try to explain to situation to someone. Even my partner, who met me after I was dealing with this, thinks I’m just overreacting most of the time. I’ll definitely be sending them this video.

[@stormfischerr]

ohhhhh boy these sound a lot like how my borderline personality disorder presents itself. it’s a living hell to experience, especially if you’re self aware about it.

[@baileymoran8585]

I’ve never had limerence. I’ve had crushes that were hard to shake and I’d delve into fantasies of some future reality where we got together back when I was a teenager, but at the end of the day, I’d always understand it was a fantasy, that actual love takes time and effort because ‘love at first sight’ is just ‘interest the first time you meet,’ and they didn’t even know who I was or how I felt. Many times I would use this to get to know them, and it would usually go away on its own because I realized that being physically attracted to someone, and having similar music tastes, we’re not enough for a sustainable relationship. I think that’s pretty normal for high school kids. That’s probably a major reason their relationships last maybe 3 months or less. I trained myself not to get too excited over anyone I haven’t hung out with many times. However, I’ve been on the receiving end of limerence and it’s terrifying. Even when all they do is act like they know you better than they do. I’ve had two incidents where it escalated past that. I was stalked for years by one, and the other was a roommate who eventually SA’d, exploited, and tried to kill me, just because I didn’t want to cheat on my partner with them. The last serious incident was 7 years ago and I’m still looking over my shoulder, even though we aren’t in the same state, and I believe he is still in prison for the events that happened after me with his next victim. I truly believe that people should treat even minor stalking behaviors like they will escalate, because people like this often do, even if it’s not with you, but their next victim. That hurts way more than any rejection or break up. Most people don’t go to trauma counseling after a crush says ‘I don’t feel the same way about you.’ They get through it with friends and hobbies. However, so many people who are in the receiving end of limerence DO go to therapy because when it becomes obvious, it usually qualifies as stalking. There is always so much compassion for unrequited love but people on the receiving end get very little compassion, especially if it doesn’t escalate past early stalking. It’s still terrifying, even if it’s just someone you suspect is showing up places just because they know you will be there. Even if they have not made vague threats or manipulative statements, and even if they have never laid a hand on you. It’s always ‘you should be flattered. It’s cute! It’s like a rom com! Why don’t you give them a chance? You think you’re too good for them, I guess! They honestly deserve better! Think of how they feel!’ When it does get objectively bad, you get some support but you also get accused of lying. You have police tell you that you are making it up because either ‘women love lying about these things to ruin lives’ or ‘this doesn’t happen to men.’ You still here things about how you should have given them a chance and how you deserve it because ‘you led them on, and you obviously hurt them if you wouldn’t even go on one date.’ Yet just like mass shooters and serial killers, and women who kill their own children, stalkers/highly obsessive people who cause harm to their obsessive interests, end up getting understanding and compassion. ‘They must have really had a hard time if they did this. It’s so sad. They could have had such a bright future. It wouldn’t have hurt (the actual victim) to give them a chance. If some attractive person just agreed to go out with them instead of being too stuck up to talk to them, this would not have happened.’ It doesn’t matter if you went through some difficult shit, or your feelings were hurt, or you just wanted to feel loved, if your actions cause someone else harm. It doesn’t matter what diagnosis you have or if you only did it because you assumed they wanted it, too (despite them often showing obvious signs of discomfort). Your victim probably had just as many emotional scars as you. Hell, they may have even been a bad person at one point as well, because of their past. But they are still the victim and deserve the compassion, in this incident. Not everyone who suffers chooses to cause suffering, and nobody deserves abuse or stalking to any capacity. If you can’t tell your crush how you feel because you know on some level that they will find your feelings about them inappropriate, or you cannot imagine living in a world where they say ‘I have a partner, but I’m flattered’ or ‘thank you, but I don’t see you that way,’ avoid them as much as possible and get therapy before it turns into this.

[@kenosabi]

Paragraphs - they exist.

[@missybuchanan9631]

With Bjork that was more than likely a case of erotomania, there’s been many many cases. They’re mostly in the news as erotomania is usually believing someone of higher status is in love with you. Doesn’t have to be, so stalkers can have this delusion too.

[@kermasooda]

i know im fucked up when i would feel flattered and happy if someone thought about me this way

[@famicomdisksystem]

As someone who has dealt with limerence throughout my entire life, I'm thankful that I'm able to become self aware whenever I feel it setting in. It doesn't make it any easier though, and I now understand why I've been living in a state of detachment for so many years. The detachment I've forced upon myself has been a protective measure to make sure I don't fall back into limerence. I don't know if I'll ever be capable of having a normal relationship, honestly.

[@loonabizkit]

limerence honestly the worst. i had an extreme obsession with this guy in my sophomore year and i couldn't think about anything else. i literally wasted a year talking to him a lot, trying to impress him, and doing other things. any text he would send me, i would think he liked me back. i was absolutely infatuated with him and i wasted my grades, my time with family, etc just to talk to him. i confessed to him and of course he rejected me (kindly) but that snapped me out of it and i slowly moved on. it was hard but we're still friends to this day. unfortunately, the limerence is not going away anytime soon as i recently found another person and im absolutely terrified of whats going to happen in the future.

[@amesteria752]

I'd love to lie and say it's a good idea bc they could seek support except this is nothing but an echo chamber for very delusional people. It's like ED communities who thrived in mid to late 2000's internet (or in some corners now) who ended up taking their ED's to the extreme because of shared motivations/inspiration. I have a feeling they'll just keep feeding eachothers until some members could take things too far. I mean, stalking is already not ever taken seriously and is very common

[@Elyfairy]

Unfortunately as a dancer in clubs I have experienced my share of stalkers who experience limerence with me and my other dancer friends. It’s honestly scary.

[@SoulxSpectre]

I'd never heard of this term... But boy do I need to sit down with myself and process this enlightening information. I think I've been in a cycle of this since I was waaaaaay too young... It all makes so much sense. Thank you for this video 🙏

[@briannawaldorf8485]

Look into dialectal behaviour therapy, it can help w this substantially

[@SoulxSpectre]

@@briannawaldorf8485 thank you! I am currently in cognitive behavioural therapy but have been searching for dbt in my area xx

[@juliana.x0x0]

Oh man I've experienced this to an extent...it's kind of how I learned about why I am the way I am, learned about narcissistic abuse, and started to make sense of the world when I was diagnosed with CPTSD. I was homeless, a traveler, and I met up with someone in this magical place, at just the right time, and "fell in love" with an amazing, tortured soul. We spent a few weeks together, camping on a mountain, eating mushrooms, and bonding with this group of people, singing and playing instruments around a campfire, and making meals together. We hooked up, but eventually we parted ways. I met up with him a year or so later, by chance, in another town. We both had issues...he was an alcoholic, and I was an addict. We both hated seeing the other actively in addiction, and we both kind of had this idea in our heads that if we could just go back to that mountain where we were both happy and not using, and we could be that healthy version of ourselves, and things would fall into place. We both loved each other, in an unhealthy way, but we did and do truly still care about the other. We talked about trying to make it work, but we came to the conclusion that our friendship wasn't worth losing if we risked it and tried to make it work. I had put him on a sort of pedestal in my mind, like he was always the best version of himself, without the erratic manic phases and deep depressive phases of his bipolar, and the back and forth of getting sober and then drinking again. But that isn't reality, and I'm not exactly the person he remembers either, as I've grown in the years since, as he has as well. Glad to see you do a video on this. I think it's very important to be aware of, especially if you've had a past full of neglect, abandonment, and trauma. I'm thankful that it has never overtaken my life like it has with some, but it still can mess with your head pretty good even if it's not severe.

[@nattybear134]

I never knew this had a name and I’m currently feeling heard but also embarrassed to be able to relate to some of this. I’m glad to see comments of people in the same boat, but having access to a community like this as a 13/14 year old would’ve made this behaviour soooo much worse throughout my teenage years. Shoutout to that one crush in high school and 2 specific celebrities that, thankfully after meeting my boyfriend the limerence lessened significantly, ruined my brain and socialization for years

[@p-h-a-n-t-o-m]

wow it’s so weird to see you made a video about a subreddit i’m in. i am both limerent and have experienced being someone’s LO. definitely having experienced it made me more aware of what i was doing, it seems that person is still limerent about me and they honestly scare me a little because of the possibility of it escalating. also, i do agree most limerent people have a past with childhood abuse (in any form), at least it would be accurate for me and i 100% see the connection. but good news, im no longer limerent over my LO, it’s still probably gonna be something i fight in the future but i know what steps i would take to overcome it

[@BettiePagan]

Oh wow, there’s a name for this?? I struggled insanely with limerence during my teens through my early-20s, born out of childhood trauma/neglect and mental health issues that weren’t treated diagnosed or treated until I was almost 17; anxiety, depression, OCD, deep struggles with BPD behaviours. Limerence/mental health drove me to insanity and back many times, one quote that really stuck out from a post you shared was “my inner child is in the driver’s seat and my adult self has no idea how to steal back the wheel”. Now I have awareness of the limerence phenomenon, I can see how hard it would be to navigate this alongside navigating ‘ordinary’ teen crushes and relationships, often with people who didn’t have my best interests in mind, as I was so vulnerable and alone and aching down to the bone from the misery. It got very addicting too, and if an LO left definitively or I lost interest in an LO, something needed to fill the void-if there was no ‘next’ person it became things like food and impulsive spending later on in my experience with limerence. Thankfully I had too much anxiety to do anything crazy af, but if my emotional brain got the better of me around them I could be prone to having emotional outbursts in front of them regardless of where/who else is watching, and it ruined a lot of relationships and friendships beyond repair. It was feeling _all_ the feelings at once or feeling *nothing* at all. Ironically my moments of clarity began when I started suffering from chronic illness and a lot of brain fog in my early 20s, became a bit of a shut-in because of health problems + anxiety and I was forced to be alone and in my head a lot, which gave me the opportunity to reparent (cut off contact bc childhood stuff) myself and look _inside_ more. A few years of that helped a lot I think, but then arises that absence of an LO to obsess over and for a while I felt so apathetic and emotionless towards everything, and I assumed my brain was just too foggy to feel love or lust. But like I said, it was ironically a moment of clarity, the thing that grabbed me by the neck to pull me out of that endless misery spiral and finally broke the shield I spent years _almost_ breaching. I turn 25 in about two weeks and have been in a committed relationship about 3 months that is going very, very well (first in 3 and a half years!). Even still there’s fragments like a voice that will highlight my partner’s flaws and incompatibilities and stack them up until my partner becomes ‘annoying’ and I start to question if I really can be in this relationship long-term because it doesn’t meet those ‘fantasy standards’ I held for so long (that are bs anyway and just that, fantasy), but I know it’s just old toxic habitual thinking patterns that I’m still working on clearing from my life. But essentially a neurological/cognitive diminish plus finally finding a good psychologist helped me out of limerence, but now I know what it’s called, sooooo much makes sense, tho if I’d found this subreddit back then I’d likely be worse off now and still in the cycle. The community support of it is wonderful, knowing there are others like you etc, but most likely will devolve into fuelling their toxic behaviours against each other, reminiscent of ED forums from my early teens lol. There will be people in that community who want to get better, but there are also those who will never choose to do so, and grouping them together in a subreddit could only end in toxicity.

[@CoolGuy-sd5un]

Limerence is a crazy thing to experience. Last year I got rejected by my LO and I tried to take my life 3 times in one night. It was one of the most traumatic periods of my life. So when people call us insane; we know. We know.

[@Soleil-vk9ts]

How are you doing now?

[@CoolGuy-sd5un]

A lot better, started practicing mindfulness in the summer and then had 2 situationships that I sort of approached as a challenge for me to heal my anxious attachment and learn to love myself@@Soleil-vk9ts

[@neferpitou3934]

I am so glad that I found this, the past 8-9 years of my life were stuck in limerence and I didnt even know what that is. I did everything just to get her attention. Finally, I realized that its never happening and thats when I lost it, my will to live. Thankfully I didnt succeed in ending my life and focused on self improvement, now I can see everything with so much clarity. I especially messed up because got involved with tarot cards and psychics, it just feeds into your delusions of "soulmates" and all that bs. I'm so glad that I finally know what it is, at the time, I felt like I was the only person in the world to be so obsessed with someone else who didnt even like me. I'm so glad I'm no longer limerant and I do feel like it went away when I got out of depression.

[@Alisdairneighbors]

I really used to struggle with this type of stuff but I think after realizing the fact that everyone has certain flaws and there's no person designed for me and I'm not designed for anyone else, I kind of snapped out of it and I'm very happy I have