When Your Relationship Is ALL RED FLAGS

[@RachelOates]

Check out more of my videos on the Pearls and their books: kzbin.info/aero/PLy7tng2VLw1-qCzLd2JVR8g9n3ytLGUsb 0:00 Intro: Who are the Pearls? 2:17 Book Summary 4:33 'Just let them be...' or not? 5:50 Chapter 1: 'I was a kid, he was not...' 9:58 'I'm finally 16 and he still likes teens' 11:42 'He needed a flunky and I was there...' 16:24 'There was never any deep sharing of feelings' 18:17 A proposal... of sorts! 21:07 A summary of 10 Red Flags Get the new merch here: racheloates.creator-spring.com/listing/abstract-rachel?product=823

[@fusionspace175]

Train up a child was 3 years ago? My god, where does the time go? My first video of yours I saw. This does not bode well for the story in this video. Super cute outfit, I love it!

[@godlessrecovery8880]

It seems like you're in a really good place at the moment. I'm so happy for that! Even Kyra seems to know too, she's not staying right next to you for support. That's awesome, hope it keeps going👍

[@hqstan6952]

Great video, it's really therapeutic to hear someone tear apart this kind of crap. My mom had all the Pearl's child-rearing books (luckily for me I was a well-behaved child). A couple books that I think you would have a field day with are "raising maidens of virtue" by Stacy McDonald, and "before you meet prince charming" by Sarah Mally. I was given these books when I was about twelve and it makes me a little sick when I remember how much sexism and slut-shaming they contain. I read them several times as a teenager, along with most of the girls in my church and I can't imagine how much damage they've caused. I'm still battling feelings of worthlessness for not being the "ideal godly wife" and it took me years to come to terms with the fact that I don't want to be a mother either, because of course no good man would want a wife that won't give him children 🙄

[@Spice983]

I'd like to object to the notion that "men play women against each other and make them compete for the mans affection." (shitty paraphrasing, I'm sorry) No, men don't play women against each other, abusers play their victims against each other. Once upon a time I (a man) was in an abusive relationship with a woman and she played me against three of my friends, two of them men as well and the third was a lesbian woman. I feel as though saying "men do it to women" misrepresents the abuse tactic as a uniquely gendered thing. That was all, thank you for another great video.

[@followthewhiterabbit884]

I love your make-up and clothes in this video. Really cool Look with the big flowers and the colors.

[@theobsidiansimp8626]

When you look at the world through rose coloured glasses, all the red flags, just look like flags - Wanda Pierce (Bojack Horseman)

[@saltydinonuggies1841]

One of my favorite quotes

[@Everyyoueverymiau]

Love that show

[@lemsip207]

There are also what I call yellow flags as well which means that you need to proceed with caution and not necessarily end the relationship.

[@marm.8469]

Wanda Pierce (owl) said the line I think

[@theobsidiansimp8626]

@@marm.8469 thanks, I just couldn’t remember her name for the life of me. Just that she was voiced by Lisa Kudrow.

[@AnyDrug]

Basically he was conditioning several teens to become his "perfect" future wife and Debi was most feasible and shaping up best. I feel sorry for her, she doesn't even have the slightest idea... She is indeed caught in a fairytale.

[@lemsip207]

And each teenage girl in his life most likely thought she was the special one and the others were being used. I reckon a few of them walked away from him when they saw the red flags or had met someone else. When I was in my teens I had crushes that lasted mere months. Nothing lasted more than two years. I feel sad that she had a crush on him throughout her entire teens.

[@lemsip207]

But I think she was chosen at random as she was probably around just as the time he decided to get married as well as being prepared to get pregnant on the honeymoon and have a son first. You can't dictate what the sex of your baby is though and it doesn't come about by wishful thinking. That's why stupid people wish for a son and get surprised by a daughter or somehow think that boys must be born before girls in a family. A lot of fundamentalist Christian men get married at a time when they decide is the right time as there is always some woman around who wants to marry them and they don't care how suited they are to each other as long as she's also a fundamentalist Christian.

[@melaniescribbles]

Yup, an unedited brothers Grimm version to be exact: not the Disney kind of fairytale, but the 'ravens pecked out their eyes' kind of fairytale.

[@miscellaniac3367]

I don't feel sorry for her. She's a battleaxe and is perfectly capable of leaving if she wanted to. She actively contributes to a culture that victimizes hundreds of thousands of women who don't have her edge.

[@Pajali]

@@miscellaniac3367 I’m inclined to agree. I forget who I was watching (probably Fundie Fridays), but they commented on how Debi “softens” the image of her husband to make what they’re promoting seem more palatable and reasonable. She may have begun as a victim, but she’s actively promoting abusive practices at this point, and people actually LISTEN to them. 😟

[@nineofswords.]

The fact she exposes him for being a predator in this book and she nor the people proof reading it sees this as bad just speaks volumes but is also fucking bizarre

[@Roadent1241]

"Because it normal just like or liump it lol no changing it it way things always been it best god know best" seems to be their mindset. -_-

[@xletragedyx]

And they have a violent marriage and she has the nerve to criticize other people and give advice. Crazy

[@webofstarlight]

Rachel, I don't know if you'll see this, but I want to thank you. My parents and my friends parents used "How to Train up a Child" as a parenting book. They loved me, but still I felt a lot of anger and confusion about the way they raised me. I actually searched for reviews on that book and that's how I found you. Your video was one of the first things that made me feel like I wasn't too sensitive or weak by feeling like it was wrong to treat your children that way. I've come a long way since then, and saw this video, and wanted to thank you. I bet you've helped a lot of people realize their feelings are valid. 💜

[@chatnoir9038]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. There is nothing wrong with you and you are worthy of real love that doesn't hurt you. I wish you peace, strength and healing.

[@webofstarlight]

@@chatnoir9038 Thank you, I appreciate that. Wishing you peace and happiness as well!

[@saaryachowdry2205]

That must be hard.....I hope you're fine now.

[@webofstarlight]

@@saaryachowdry2205 I am doing better, thank you. 💜

[@noel090909]

I’m seeing this late, but I want to send you love. And as I’m sure others have said, I wish you continued healing. ❤️

[@danydevina7246]

Debbie's description of her "fairytale" are so hauntingly similar to my own experience being groomed by an older coworker--- the cognitive dissonance required to interpret manipulation as love comes from a deep sense of internalized shame, one that is central to the theology that Debbie and I were both raised in. The difference is she married her abuser, and has to continue to romanticize their early days to avoid coping with their impact. The dream she is promoting to young girls has been my unending nightmare since I was sixteen, and it is absolutely NOT the product of some divine interference. I'm an agnostic now, but if I still prayed, it would be for all those girls she's trying to persuade into loving abusers.

[@lemsip207]

I've been reading articles recently about women who fell for abusers and refused to notice the red flags as they were feeling vulnerable at the time because of life events such as a death in the family. In every case they married the man within months of meeting because he asked them. Abusers do rush their victims into marriage.

[@snikrdoodls14]

@@lemsip207 It's the perfect way for an abuser to trap their victim through marriage. Especially if they are fundamentalists or other such religions that have a big red tape on divorce, no matter what the circumstances are. Getting someone to depend on you whether it be financially, emotionally and so on, gives the victim an incentive to stay despite the abuse. It really is a terrifying process of brainwashing and pretty much the reason why cults work; as it is the exact same thing but on a larger scale.

[@nessagardner2253]

This is the perfect comment and everyone should read it. Thank you for sharing your experience, as awful as it must have been

[@16poetisa]

It's extra prescient because a lot of fairy tales about women being held captive by posters and falling in love are seen as exemplifying romance 😬

[@amberb.6395]

@@lemsip207 can confirm. My emotionally and sexually abusive ex wanted to get engaged and married asap even though we were both under 18 at the time. I thought it was pretty normal because I know a few people who planned to get or got married after high school. But marriage was brought up relatively quickly in the relationship

[@lizb7271]

The fact that Michael presumably read this and was totally fine with it being published telling about how he as a man in his mid-twenties was 'checking' out teenage girls he was supposed to be looking after says a lot. But there again, they published books about beating children.

[@irisl4498]

Yeah, and don’t forget how normalized it is in fundamentalist Christian ideology to look for a younger wife because she is easier to "mold" to your expectations aka exploit her inexperience and manipulate her. They likely accept this as normal behavior

[@darkstrifequeen1458]

sounds like pedophilia to me. gross!🤮

[@deathsecretary2055]

Instructions unclear, became a lesbian.

[@psycherevivedby]

LOOOOOL

[@18Hongo]

Honestly that seems like a sensible response to this.

[@FischerFilmStudio]

😂😂😂

[@FHT1883]

based

[@sarahrobertson634]

Best comment ever

[@francoislacombe9071]

"God's ways are not our ways." This sentence may be the source of more pain and hardship than any other.

[@crimsonnin2]

The fact that she had a very reasonable and realistic concern about a creepy older guy staring at children and somehow gaslighted herself out of that train of thought, the absolute mental gymnastics!

[@SA-mo3hq]

"Don't worry, It's not supposed to make sense!" Wow, you wouldn't have to even gaslight someone who believes that.

[@mrahim1342]

Fr it’s giving major Handmaid’s Tale vibes.

[@BlackEpyon]

That explains why "God's ways" don't work.

[@reality-matters]

@@mrahim1342 Well, remember that religious conservatives have been actually praising Handmaid's Tale as "a utopian society."

[@generaldreagonlps6889]

Man, if I have a girl randomly telling me "I want you to get me pregnant" I would also run away. But not to come back and marry her. That is one of those things that definitely needs some relationship building first.

[@RachelOates]

Ohhh... maybe that's where I've been going wrong by saying that to men on the first date?!

[@generaldreagonlps6889]

@@RachelOates Probably. Try it on the second date, that might work better :P

[@openspace3687]

I can testify for your statement. Especially if she is the already engaged in her early twenties sister of your friend. I just guided her to not doing that and then let her leave my place with her brother after us meeting for the first time.

[@SA-mo3hq]

DDLG + breeder kink + groomer + hopelessly naive TEENAGER = Me wanting to claw my own eyes out

[@astolat2262]

@@Blox117 bruh

[@jamiejam4588]

All I can think of when I hear about what spurred Michael’s proposal is what she wrote about their honeymoon: that he was insatiable in the bedroom and kept her up for hours at a time until she was so exhausted that she snapped. This relationship is so beyond disturbing.

[@lemsip207]

I bet that was only at night and not during the day as well so she was missing out on valued sleep. It was what put me off Christian marriage when I was in my twenties as I needed my sleep more then. I would be in bed by 11pm most nights and struggling to get out of bed before 7.30am.

[@stewieismyhomeboy]

Not to mention he also made her go out crab-digging barefoot, and when she was pinched by a crab, he laughed. And the moment when she snapped was when she was literally throwing up, as in he had exhausted her so much she had become PHYSICALLY ILL

[@reality-matters]

@@stewieismyhomeboy Michael Pearl is a psychotic abuser, and she's his Stockholm Syndrome'd victim.

[@cam4636]

@@reality-matters I mean, she most definitely is, but she also perpetuates abuse--towards her own children directly and towards everyone who takes her "advice" indirectly. She didn't deserve the abuse she got, but she is herself an abuser.

[@Slayy05a]

@@stewieismyhomeboy Ik, it's fkn gross. Debbie must seriously flipping hate herself to allow some dude to treat her that way, gross. How can you even be attracted to that?

[@mountainhun]

I used to be homeschooled, and after I started college I started looking into homeschooler support groups. I was shocked when I stumbled into the Christian homeschooling culture, and learned about the Pearls. Read an in-depth review of each chapter on the Love, Joy, and Feminism blog, it's just... Just gross.

[@jfm14]

Yeah, I know a lot of people who were homeschooled and most of them weren't/aren't religious at all. Kinda sucks how homeschooling has become so associated with fundamentalist Christians.

[@GardenBoat]

Former fundamentalist christain homeschool student. Can confirm it is a nasty and abusive culture, with an emphasis on "cult".

[@lemsip207]

@@jfm14 Same with me where I live. Most are secular and often new age. They get involved in courses and projects in the community. They are homeschooled because of a variety of reasons and among them is the National Curriculum being too academic and not practical enough.

[@Isaac-hr8ug]

Why, why is it always with the Christian shaming? What’s the problem?

[@thepinkestpigglet7529]

@@Isaac-hr8ug Am Christian let me explain Fundamentalist Christians often don't believe abuse is abuse and thus encourage abuse

[@davidgriffith598]

Whats wild is that there were other adults aware of all of this and at no point was someone like, "this is wrong" or tried to stop it... instead they were like "yeah this seems very reasonable. Go for it, kid".

[@Yume03]

When you think about it those adults were women in the same cult… and looking at Debbie now promoting this to young girls… it’s probably a cycle through generations of abused kids 😔

[@LambentLight00]

@@Yume03 absolutely : (

[@MassimoConnolli]

And presumably those adults held themselves up as highly moral pillars within their communities too

[@soyevquirsefron990]

And these are just the red flags and creepy abusive behavior that she thinks are good to brag about... Imagine what's she's keeping secret

[@ArnisKaye]

Exactly!

[@codyjoco]

7 years ago I was in a Fundamental Independent Baptist (IFB) church and they recommended these books heavily. The entire IFB movement is so toxic and abusive. I packed everything I could into my mini van, left my wedding ring on the table and moved 500 miles away to escape.

[@eimeartheirishstitcher]

I'm so glad and proud that you escaped!

[@snooganslestat2030]

So happy for you!

[@bellahawthorn4575]

I’m so happy you got out!! Hope things are going better for you now

[@chesiresays]

You’re very brave, glad you got out.

[@Keznen]

Funny how Debi said it's like a "fairytale", when fairytales include things like Little Red Riding Hood, which was originally created to warn against child predators. And that original version definitely did not end happily ever after for the girl. If anyone has a relationship like the little girl and the wolf from that story, it's anything but healthy.

[@DrawciaGleam02]

Yeah, hearing the original ending to Little Red Riding Hood REALLY disturbed me. I understand why that ending is there though.

[@cam4636]

It...wasn't, but the point still stands I guess.

[@Keznen]

@@cam4636 We literally just quoted Debi. We didn't agree with her.

[@Hannah-xm6fn]

What do you mean with "Little Red Rding Hood's original ending"? As far as I am aware, she is alive by the end and killed two wolves in the process

[@Keznen]

@@Hannah-xm6fn Not in the original version. The wolf feeds the girl her grandmother's remains, and then tells her to strip naked and climb into bed with him. He then eats her (or rаpes her, depending on the interpretation). Granted, some variants have her instead escape by convincing the wolf to let her outside with the excuse that she has to use the bathroom, but that's still more of a bittersweet ending considering everything that proceeds the girl's death still occurs (granny death, cannibalism, molestation) and she will no doubt be traumatized for life.

[@humanbean852]

This story sounds like something I was desperately looking for as a kid. Every male I saw as a kid, I would latch onto heavily looking for any sign that God meant for us to be together and that we were meant to be together. It was pretty weird. When I was an older teenager there was this dad I would babysit for and I was convinced I was supposed to marry him. Luckily, he either didn't notice or just ignored it because he's a good person, but the part of Debby getting over excited about the hand holding is so real! At my graduation, this man I had a crush on shook my hand to congratulate me, and I was convinced this was the sign I'd been waiting for to confirm who I was meant to marry. I ended up marrying someone else, so my story has a better end, but when you grow up in a religion that hyper fixates on predestination, you get into weird territory. Like growing up, every male teacher I had, I was like oh I'm probably destined to marry them and looking back it's creepy. Basically just saying, not as weird as you'd assume. Just depends on how you raise your kids 🤷‍♀️

[@irradiated_woman8016]

>when you grow up in a religion that hyper fixates on predestination Not to mention hyperfixation on "wife" being the ultimate aspirational role for every girl/woman. Needing a man to give us purpose and "lead" us... so gross.

[@mrahim1342]

I also feel like in a lot of fundamentalist religious circles marriage is heavily romanticized. You grow up seeing so many couples around you that have been together for years and you think they’re perfect. As you get older you start to realize that this has to do with how divorce is discouraged and there is immense pressure to stay in relationships. As well as the fact that a lot of problematic and down right abusive behaviors is trivialized, overlooked, and not talked about. And then they have the audacity to brag about how low their divorce rates are and how modern society is falling apart because of the increased normalization of divorce. What they won’t talk about is the reason their divorce rate is so low. I guess my point is they act like they have a better way but the truth is toxic relationships, abusive relationships, marital rape, and a menagerie of other things are occurring in their communities at alarming rates. The difference is they are constantly suppressing, covering it up, or flat out ignoring it. Where as the rest of society is talking about it. It just makes me sad. I am immensely happy for anyone who has escaped these types of relationships and communities. I hope they can continue to prosper after bc I know all of the traumas can way people down. My heart goes out to them.

[@saltydinonuggies1841]

Thats awful. If my mother hadnt kicked me out i probably would have gone down that path. I still get giddy holding my bf's hand but its for different reasons.

[@humanbean852]

@@saltydinonuggies1841 Oh yeah, I get that. No yeah, I'm the other cases it's like 'this guy shook my hand, which means he also knows I'm supposed to marry him and he's letting me know in a covert way.'

[@tymondabrowski12]

@@mrahim1342 don't Christians actually have higher divorce rates? Mostly because of pushing kids to marry? Important not talking very fundamentalists but just religious ones.

[@jennaimgrund]

My husband and I listened to this together and he said, "This story doesn't just have several red flags... it's one red banner." Also, Debbie's parents failed MISERABLY. They dropped the ball through the floor.

[@rishabhanand4973]

Dropped? No they fucking threw it down

[@tyrreloneal5178]

Dropped it?! The ball was never in their court!

[@Anna19093]

Now I feel very bad for her. She’s been groomed, abused, and manipulated for years. She grew up in a family that considered this to be normal, so therefore she thinks it’s normal. It doesn’t excuse all of the things she says people should do, but it makes sense why she has these views. It’s very sad when you think about it and you can’t help but emphasize with her.

[@cam4636]

I can help empathizing with her. I can help it very easily, actually. She absolutely is an abuse victim who deserves to get out of her abusive household and get some therapy--and if that ever comes to pass, hopefully she'll realize what an abuser she is herself and try to make amends, because she's gone on to harm many, many others.

[@Mels0103]

And for that I feel terribly for the YOUNG Debi, who was a victim, groomed right from the start. The older Debi who sees no problem with every and any type of abuse to anyone of any age gets no sympathy.

[@SA-mo3hq]

I miss-read the title of the book as 'Help Me' I maintain this is a WAAAAAY more appropriate title

[@desperadox7565]

The Pearls are monsters. And Debi's life story sounds more like Stockholm syndrome than like a fairy tale.

[@SA-mo3hq]

It sounds to me like what happens when you develop a DDLG kink in a setting where no-one can explain healthy kink to you

[@desperadox7565]

@@SA-mo3hq I had to look up the acronym but yes, that sounds about right.

[@cam4636]

@@SA-mo3hq I'm not even sure it's that--conservative christianity forces "get married have babies" on girls through their entire lives; the way the other girls in-story (assuming it was a true story, I don't actually believe a word out of either of the Pearls' mouths) all wanted to marry their pastor too speaks to it being a lot bigger than just Debi's f'ed up mental state.

[@SA-mo3hq]

@@cam4636 I'll settle for 'conservatives have a really broken worldview on sex and relationships and everyone gets hurt in the process'.

[@andromeda_va39]

Aren't some fairy tales kind of Stockholm syndrome? Like Beauty and the Beast?

[@thisurldoesnotexist]

Terrifying! The angels are not grooming you I promise. Michael is, definitely, but not the angels.

[@RachelOates]

THIS.

[@wolfie1234100]

My thoughts exactly!

[@finnilyenough]

This book was gifted to me by my first boy friend. 💀

[@RachelOates]

ohhhh nonono, I'm so sorry!

[@katefriend4085]

I hope and assume it was a short relationship!

[@finnilyenough]

@@katefriend4085 it was. I was "courting" him so we were supposed to get married after just a couple months of knowing eachother. I dumped him after he made fun of my weight and said that I wouldn't be allowed to see my parents after the wedding

[@katefriend4085]

@@finnilyenough I love a happy ending! Hope you're in a better place now!

[@serpenking]

gotta throw the whole man away😬😬🗑️

[@mayarae6272]

rachel is the lovely, feminist older sister we all need who steps up even when she doesn't have to

[@over-the-hilltop6003]

We will be the Oates Sisters

[@chatnoir9038]

@IceCat7 Bruh... That is wrong. Regardless of laws, that is just immoral. A 16 year old is still very much developing their frontal lobe whilst a 24 year old is like 1-2 years away from being completely developed. A 24 yo is usually already working and/ or in university whilst a 16 yo is still a kid in school, usually not even old enough to drink or even drive, or barely so. You cannot honestly say that 16 and 24 is a good age gap to have, that's 8 YEARS!

[@emiliap8790]

@IceCat7 it is very bad and inherently abusive

[@emiliap8790]

@IceCat7 I mean 24 and 27 year olds are more or less the same. 16 IS. A. CHILD. Take that from a 16 year old: many things about your personality, your boundaries, what you want from a partner are still getting developped. At 16 you are unstable, vulnerable and most likely just craving validation from an adult. There are absolutely no well-intentioned reasons for an adult to pursue a teenager

[@peanutbutter4949]

@IceCat7 lots of 16yr olds want to do stupid shit and make bad choices because they are still developing, that they later regret. If a 16 wants to get married, thats a RED FLAG and not normal or okay

[@generaldreagonlps6889]

If it's not a healthy marriage then it really is a fairytale relationship. They aren't exactly healthy either.

[@RachelOates]

haha that's actually an excellent point!

[@generaldreagonlps6889]

@@RachelOates I was a little surprised you didn't bring it up in the video. Seems like a very you thing.

[@estefanylopez453]

fr, like the original sleeping beauty? completely fucked up!

[@NIHIL_EGO]

People really need to understand that Fairy Tales aren't sweets and rainbows, many are cautionary tales destined to everyone.

[@katashworth41]

This whole thing makes my skin crawl. A friend did meet her husband when she was 15 and he was 18, but they did go their separate ways for a few years and then got together then when they were adults.

[@Roadent1241]

That seems a lot more sensible.

[@criticalmaz1609]

I really hope this video can help someone. It's not just about looking out for the red flags, I think, but recognizing our own vulnerabilities. Creeps like this seem to hone in on certain types of women. In my own experience, coming from an abusive background, having a disability and several mental illnesses, being new in the country and having NO STRONG SOCIAL CIRCLE were the biggest contributors to leaving me open to abusive partners. Another reason why us gals gotta look out for each other.

[@lemsip207]

We go against our better judgement when we are vulnerable and drop our own personal safety rules and boundaries.

[@valorandstrength2829]

Dang right we do!

[@Kartissa]

*"None of this screams fairy-tale to me."* I don't know... marrying somebody after an 8 day engagement is very much in line with a classic fairy-tale romance. (It's actually quite long, to be honest.)

[@lemsip207]

It would take much longer in the UK to get married even in a registry office because you have to book the registry office first. In a church banns have to be read out.

[@drtaverner]

You're rocking that outfit. You're really looking much more comfortable in your own skin from even a year ago. You're absolute proof that women can flourish on their own and are often better off w/o a dude living in their space.

[@chatnoir9038]

When I see people like you I wish I was able to grow a beard. You rock, sir.

[@drtaverner]

@@chatnoir9038 Cheers!

[@russellknight7729]

Ahh yes, Debbie Pearl, the gift that just keeps on giving; like a toothache. Great that you keep an eye on that one. Thanks for the vid. Love the outfit by the way. Cheers

[@lemsip207]

On the shelves of cell group leaders in every fundamentalist church I attended. What is strange that the couples who lead cell groups are host, organiser, provider of refreshments and facilitator in one as they are reluctant to share or split their roles. I walked away for the final time. Then I tried a Buddhist meeting at the urging of a friend who was a Buddhist. The host of the local group wasn't always facilitating so there was a rota for that and various members would bring cakes to share. I digress. It was the same in every secular group I had joined.

[@LoveKillFear777]

Thank you for covering this often overlooked book, Rachel. My mom loved the Pearls when I was growing up, and I had to read Preparing to be a Helpmeet as a teenager. It hurt my heart and put so much fear into me, that it would be “god’s will” for me to marry an abusive man. Even when I was a Christian, I knew something about the Pearls and their beliefs were deeply disturbing and poisonous

[@plaguechild24]

I just wanna thank you for talking about this kind of stuff. I'm a very sheltered kid who never learned about this stuff. I'm autistic and my social interactions are very limited. I know I would fall for this kind of this so quickly. But you talking about this stuff is very helpful and informative! Thanks Rachel!!

[@sherilynm9271]

RACHEL THAT OUTFIT IS EVERYTHING!!!!!!! I love how you matched your eyeshadow to it, and I love how your pup smiled when you kissed her.

[@SpyderQueen1988]

It's very 1970's chic and it really suits her!

[@Shake69ification]

The outfit looks great on her!

[@DjDeedzD]

It really is!! I won't lie. I want to find where to buy that outfit because I'm living for it.

[@Hudson316]

first thing I thought when he went from nothing to marrying within 8 days was "He wanted to sleep with her ASAP without doing premarital sex"

[@FeministCatLadySpinster]

"You can only learn how to be a woman from men." Truer words were never spoken.

[@The482075]

I know you're being sarcastic. However will everyone reading your post realise you're being sarcastic?

[@FeministCatLadySpinster]

@@The482075 If they're here watching Rachel, I would hope so!

[@cam4636]

@@FeministCatLadySpinster ...putting a lot of faith in people on the internet, there

[@PaigeThePuppet]

Oh my goodness! That family is horrible! Mama has hated them for 20 years…She read “created to be his helpmeet” when she was still a Christian and knew it was as big a steaming pile of crap as her husbands book…which Mama literally threw across the room when she tried to read it the first time.

[@lemsip207]

I read a lot of Christian books but drew the line at the Pearls's and James Dobson's books.

[@snooganslestat2030]

Good mum!

[@iquestionexistence8730]

'He was talking about how the bible proves aliens exist' *Alizee has entered the chat*

[@Sableagle]

He: {does thing} She: {throws rocks at him until he stops doing that} They: "Aren't you supposed to be _helping_ him?" Me: "Maybe she finally understood what kind of help he needs."

[@Threshermaw23]

Thanks for reminding us to be fair to „the other woman“. Place anger towards the real source of your disappointment and not a scapegoat. Sorry to hear you had your heart broken. I hope you heal well and find joy in people who are honest and respectful to you! Thanks for another video, I really enjoy your content!

[@lemsip207]

There are countless men I left because they played me off against other women. Some I wasn't even in a relationship with as I was just being pursued by them and they started treating me as if we were already going out as they were jumping the gun.

[@christinabutterfield1801]

My mom made my sister read this book! I imagine it's severely contributed to her low self-esteem she had as a child

[@nkbujvytcygvujno6006]

@@villaintoon2350 Abusive parents who are fans of the Pearls do exist, otherwise they wouldn’t be writing so many books...

[@snooganslestat2030]

So sad ☹. Hope your sister is doing better.

[@elizabeththompson8511]

no bc it really is the adults responsibility to not act inappropriately. i feel like all my childhood friends and I had massively crushes on a 20 yr old camp counselors or lifeguards when we were like 11-13 to the point it almost seems like a right of passage. girls deserve to go through kind of a silly, crush filled phase like that without being preyed upon.

[@annadau8612]

Yikes! I was raised in a sheltered Christian family where my mom and dad read many of the Pearls' books and listened to their parenting seminars. My mom gave me this book as a premarital book to help me prepare to be a wife and mother. It made me think like I was wrong for wanting a Christian man who loved God, his family and his wife genuinely, was respectful and resourceful, challenged commonly accepted beliefs held by the church and many other qualities I eventually found in my husband. I thought I'd end up with a man much like Michael Pearl and I was terrified of that. Luckily, I'm now happily married and that book got trashed. 💙

[@Nopee906]

Yes. Yes. I'm going to need that outfit.

[@KellyDVance]

I have to disagree. Their "love story" does sound like a fairy tale. Specifically some of the misogynistic original pre-Grimms' (not that Grimms' versions aren't misogynistic) versions, like Sleeping Beauty actually being r@ped in Sun, Moon, and Talia.

[@SA-mo3hq]

Speedrunning Abusive Relationships Any %

[@zoecoom]

When I read Grimms fairytales all I could notice was that every single 'happily ever after' seemed to be the man being gifted a human woman to posess like some kinda trophy or consolation prize and the reader is told that like it's a joyous occasion

[@KellyDVance]

@@zoecoom those tales were meant to be cautionary tales to children, when they weren't for adults' entertainment. When it comes to girls they were primarily "be good, chaste, and obedient and one day a man might come to take care of you." The Goose Girl is a good example of this. For those that don't know the story: a princess is sent to a far kingdom to get married, on the way her wicked maid servant forces the good princess to switch rolls and swear never to tell and the presents herself as the princess. The princess is forced to work as a goose girl tending the flocks. Another flock tender makes advances, which the princess calls for help to God/spirits/her mother's ghost, and the boys hat flies off forcing him to chase it. King hears about the strange happenings, tricks the princess into revealing the truth, without directly violating her oath, punishes the wicked maid servant, and marries the true princess. It is all "suffer and be rewarded" in fairy tales, except for Hans Christian Andersen's. Those are just kind of tragic no matter what.

[@runeanonymous9760]

@@KellyDVance I got confused there, because I was thinking of Annie the Goose Girl, a fairytale that, in a radical turn, has the *female* protagonist be the rapey one- Annie (or Aase, or Lucy) is a goose girl, one day she meets the prince who tells her that she can never hope to be with him, then through some elaborate nonsense Annie trades places with a princess in the night for reasons not adequately explained in the Wikipedia articles, and she sleeps with the prince in place of the princess and ends up having his kid and then they get live happily ever after

[@KellyDVance]

@@runeanonymous9760 it is an easy mistake. A lot of fairy tales have similar titles. Example: Snow White vs Snow White and Rose Red

[@adamfaulkner-stanheight6628]

Thanks for covering this and showing how dangerous these books are. Also: I love your outfit!

[@zoecoom]

Sooo all the girls he preached to believed that god had told them they were going to marry him, and instead of that making her doubt her assessment of the situation or making her think maybe that's just a normal experience for religious hormonal tween girls, it made her MORE sure of herself? W h a t

[@snooganslestat2030]

🤮

[@Aging_Casually_Late_Gamer]

The real relationship goal. Make someone smile as much as Kyra smiles.

[@jaash7981]

Seeing Debi Pearl in the thumbnail immediately made me go "well shit time for round 3"

[@lemsip207]

When watching this video first time around I shut my mind off from the passages from the book and only listened to Rachel's words about the book as it was too painful to hear. Now I can listen to those parts as well.

[@ARGHHHHHHHH]

People don’t realise how harmful these kinds of books are. It’s so sad that this is the stage we’ve reached after all of our progress in humanity.

[@ano.theart3050]

But we have also reached the stage and progress where people like Rachel can see and illuminate through it

[@ARGHHHHHHHH]

@@ano.theart3050 that’s the only good thing about now lol

[@nova9973]

When Rachel posts a new video, I open it, click "like", and then watch the actual video. Haven't regretted this order of doing things as of yet.

[@snooganslestat2030]

Same 😁

[@Kartissa]

1:41 I was just thinking that top looks incredible. The matching flared trousers are equally amazing. Also loving the eyeshadow.

[@Raztiana]

This is just sick. It's easier to be angry at "the other woman", because you have no other emotions towards her, but usually she is just as little at fault as you are. I started a beautiful friendship like this, when we realized that we had no reason to be mad at each other. He was the only one responsible for our pain.

[@Poke-Chann]

The fact that all these teenage girls thought that god had told them they were his future wife sketches me out, and it’s more than a little coincidental. Do you think he somehow slipped it into his sermons? That hed say something like, “the partner god has chosen for you will be right in front of you”, and then meet eyes with teenage girls in the crowd briefly, and then they’d confuse their fluttering feelings with a message from god? Very suspicious

[@j.kaimori3848]

He's a preacher in conservative circles, he barely needs to do anything, just talk of messages from God and husbands and let his status do the rest.

[@j.kaimori3848]

@@Peonies925 perhaps evangelical, but anyway.

[@tricksterflame]

"Eight days later, and we were married" quite literally made me choke on my tea. Gracious. You really do break this entire chapter down in the kindest way possible... much kinder than I would be reading it!

[@superdrwholock]

The story about Rachel being led on by that guy who went to meet another woman is sad but also it's quite scary that internalized misogyny led her to start blaming the other woman before she realised it was his fault. Like just the fact that internalized stuff such as misogyny, racism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia etc can affect us so much and sometimes we don't even realise it as well, kinda messed up

[@dontburstmybubble686]

We need more Rachels to combat the Pearls of this world.

[@d.w.stratton4078]

Rachel, you were born to wear that outfit. It's 100% you. It's got pizazz, flair, it's bright and colorful, it's sexy, it's fun, and it is smart looking. I'm thankful that we can all be multiple things. We can be beautiful and visually full of character while also being highly intelligent and deeply insightful. Your videos are always a very cool deep dive into what is often very painful or traumatic subject matter and I'm glad to see you having fun and keeping life light hearted with a spot of color and fun design, as well as with Kyra who is a love. Don't ever let anyone tell you you can't be all of those things.

[@nichellecox4846]

And i thought fiction authors were bad for romanticising abusive behaviour...yikes!🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

[@robinchesterfield42]

"I was *13,* and I saw the man I knew I was going to marry" NOPE nope nope. Nopity nope. All of the nope. Boarding the train to Nopeville, right now. IF she _just_ had a crush and he absolutely did not respond to it at all that would be one thing, but as we all know, that's not how this turned out... Fairy-tale romance? Yeah, maybe one of the oldschool Brother's Grimm versions!

[@GeneralBolas]

This use of "prayer" in Evangelical circles is really, *really* weird. They treat it almost like spellcasting: if you say the spell right, if you do the ritual enough times, and if you believe enough in it, then you'll get what you want. And it's 100% cultural. None of this is in the Bible, and none of these people ever bothered to read it to find out. Indeed, there are explicit warnings about people who proclaim loudly about their piety and that these are the people most likely to *not* be in God's favor. It amazes me how anti-Christian Evangelicalism has become.

[@reality-matters]

I mean... these are the people who actively state that "faith without works is dead" and the entire meaning of the story of the Good Samaritan are "satanic lies." You know, the words directly from Jesus, according to their holy book.

[@lylyv5631]

this book is absolutely wild. i genuinely just can’t grasp the level of delusion you have to have to read this and agree with any of it. i’m so glad you made this video. also i was going to comment about how cute that top was as soon as i saw it, and then you said it was a SET! i love it!

[@adrianpintea9675]

The balance of power does exist and teenagers should be protected (fuzzy word) by the adults in their life. But even people that can't support themselves should be more careful when entering a relationship with any other person regardless of age gap. If there is mutual respect and love why would an 8 age gap matter?

[@cam4636]

An 8 year age gap between established adults? Doesn't matter, except when planning for retirement. An 8 year age gap where one is a child? Uh, yeah, one of them is not capable of thinking through their decisions--in terms of mental development or legal status. I also wish people didn't jump to 'age gap' instead of 'power imbalance' because it's a smoke screen for all the other ways someone could potentially manipulate their partner, but in this case the age gap _is_ the power imbalance.

[@reality-matters]

No offense, mate, but you're sounding a bit like a paedophilia apologist at the end. There is a HUGE problem if the younger half of the 8-year age gap is a minor. You don't think it's okay if an 18-year-old grooms & dates a 10-year-old, do you?

[@adrianpintea9675]

@@reality-matters didn't say that. When I commented I heard Rachel being disgusted by the age gap only and don't think my comment says anything bad to edit or delete it. It should be read like a criticism of prejudice against relationships between responsible adults with big age gaps.

[@The_Leftysaurus]

Oh god,.. I think I read a part of this book, is this the one were she later described their honey moon? Ugh it was just awful! Ohhh it's soo romantic, he doesn't like the idea of me with another man, because being property is just the thing! =__= No Debi, NO. Such a good point about the internalised misogyny though! I always wondered that even as a teen when Jerry Springer was popular and there were all these women, pissed at one another because some dude was cheating on both of them. Hello! Who's the one screwing both of you, literally and figuratively? I mean look, if someone knowingly messes up your relationship, is aware of you and just doesn't care or even does it on purpose, yeah that sucks, don't be that person. But in most cases I think people just get screwed over by the partner doing the cheating/leading on ect. not the person they're doing it WITH. They're probably in the same boat as you are.

[@Roadent1241]

You say Jerry Springer, I say Jeremy Kyle. Maybe it's because it's Allo relationships where they just have to screw everybody all the time or whatever seemed to be happening, but it was just easily avoidable drama. Don't cheat. Easy. I never saw that the victims(?????) ever became best friends, it was just so much childish screaming and drama. I'm apparently able to think with the correct head, seeing I only have the one.... I will tell you though, I learned 'the truth is only what the other person wants to hear, even if it's a lie' from it.

[@lemsip207]

I couldn't stand Jerry Springer but went to see Jerry Springer the Opera as that made fun of it. The same with Jeremy Kyle.

[@Roadent1241]

@@lemsip207 Jeremy Kyle has an opera? Did that shut down after the death too?

[@thekatieshaw]

THIS IS THE COOLEST THING IVE EVER SEEN I LOVE THE OUTFITTTTT 😍 also Kyra is always adorable 🥰 love her and you

[@RachelOates]

Thank you!! :)

[@mattatron3152]

@@RachelOates Impressive how Kyra burped right on cue-haha...

[@Itri_Vega]

Loving the fact that the painting behind you, the makeup and your outfit match perfectly. Also I think the reason he married her this quickly was a way of making sure his servant and source of regular sex couldn't get away. Gross.

[@lemsip207]

So she wouldn't realise what he was like because it's after they start dating they reveal more of themselves.

[@spiceupyourafterlife]

I’m so glad your outfit makes you so happy because I was about to say how much I adore it! It kinda reminds me of The Love Witch.

[@thevuz]

Things I am obsessed with in this video: your matching makeup/outfit, your mermaid painting in the background

[@Resilient_Sage88]

If your child tells you the voice of God is telling her to marry someone completely inappropriate for her age range, Therapy may be warranted. Also slightly jelly of the Mermaids. I tried to paint one and it came out looking sooo derpy. 😅

[@chatnoir9038]

Just keep practicing, it will get better with time! And art is not about making a perfect end product, it's about enjoying yourself while expressing yourself.

[@Resilient_Sage88]

@@chatnoir9038 Thanks! I do enjoy it. Some of my family members sometimes get together for a paint night. It's fun even if the end result isn't perfect.

[@rava521]

Omg before you even said anything about it I was thinking your whole thing is on point! Not just the shirt but the hair, the makeup. You’re fabulous today!

[@Zugzug386]

Thank you Rachel for enduring that "literature" for us, I have been curious just how bad it can be but have not dared yet. As an ex christian male that even went to a bit of religious private school in my youth all I can say is yeah these type of stories exist and I hope one day they stop happening. Legitimate communication, age boundaries, protecting children, etc...., so many issues here.

[@cmmusic4721]

That outfit is everything, it’s so 60s-70s disco I love

[@r.t.7288]

That outfit is really cute Rachel, you look adorable

[@bananewane1402]

No thanks debi I think I'm good with my current relationship where the help and support goes both ways.

[@graphitebeans]

Hey Rachel - just spreading the word. In most states in the USA it’s perfectly legal to marry an underage child to an adult man as long as there’s parental consent. It’s completely disgusting that this is still legal (let alone considered okay) and I get the impression most people aren’t aware of this (I had no idea until I read the foreword on one of my favourite author’s series!). Look it up please and I’d love to see a video from you addressing the topic!

[@graphitebeans]

Just adding that you can also marry an adult woman to a child also

[@llatew7126]

I found the song "Most Girls" by Hailee Stienfeld really helpful in overcoming interenalised misogyny. It isn't my usual style of music but the lyrics are an absolute anthem agaist pitting girls against girls, and have helped me open many productive conversations on the topic.

[@joycewible8816]

That was so strong of you to acknowledge your feelings, and realize your anger was perhaps misplaced. That's really difficult to do on a good day, let alone when you've been hurt like he hurt you. I'm sorry you went through that 💜

[@SnakeMan448]

The amount of emphasis put on her being a minor with a crush on an older man does not speak well to the men overseeing this work.

[@jenna3781]

I was literally thinking about how much I liked your shirt only to find out it's a two piece with matching pants XD great video as always!

[@imthatbeach]

Thank you for this video! I read this book as a teen, and I went to KZbin to look for more content. There were no videos like this, so there was no one to warn me how unhealthy it all was. I am thankfully in a totally different place now, but the romanticization of age gaps and power imbalances resulted in some really unhealthy relationships in my life. I hope teenagers who read this book come across this video and are able to unlearn some of the harm it may have caused them!

[@snooganslestat2030]

So glad you are in a better place.

[@dr.gwendolyncarter5048]

Good job! Side note: The outfit is so cute! Also the old video thumbnails vs the current hair and makeup showed a very nice glow up.

[@TheYasmineFlower]

I really can't stomach the Pearls. They're so toxic. Still looking forward to the next video in this series though!

[@abieggleton7045]

Hey Rachel, I don’t know if you realised but you never finished this woman’s FICTION book, the incredibly islamophobic, racist, classist and disgusting dystopia thing. Would be great if you kept going with that - I loved the first part!

[@natalijatheghost]

I also want to hear the rest tbh

[@blindeyelullaby]

She said around the last few minutes of the video that she's planning on making part 2! So we're in luck!

[@lemsip207]

The best antidote to that book is The Fifth Sacred Thing by Starhawk. I read that book but not the Pearls book. It's like taking the antidote before the poison.

[@vidyasreeram2587]

The book sounds terrible, but I do have to say there's no such thing as "Islamophobia ". Islam is an ideology like any other and is not immune to criticism.

[@abieggleton7045]

@@vidyasreeram2587 I take your point, but islamophobia doesn't refer to genuine criticism of the ideology, it refers to prejudiced ideas e.g. that all Muslims are terrorists. Of course it's fine to criticise Islam, just like you would criticise Christianity, but in the west there is genuinely bigotry, hate and xenophobia directed towards Muslims which needs to be called out.

[@Zaddy-Lu]

I was staring at your top cuz I love groovy patterns and colors and floral. Then you showed us the matching pants! I LOVE IT!! I'd wear it every day 🥰🤩

[@joelkeene1278]

Wow the outfit! Fantastic! Do you think they make it for a 6'6" man?

[@RachelOates]

I'm not sure, I got this secondhand so I'm not sure what original sizes it was made in but if you can find it in a larger size, go for it! I swear this would look amazing on anyone :)

[@Sleipnirseight]

That top and pants set is everything!!🌻🏵️🌼

[@Ladund]

When the video started, I thought "mh, Rachel is looking sharp today" and then you mentioned your new outfit, lol. now I really feel like if given you a compliment.

[@notabear287]

i truly appreciate the breakdown you've given, especially with the ever present acknowledgement that you cannot speak on their relationship with 100% certainty, but that on the whole these are not healthy or safe signs 😔 everything about their relationship makes me want to scream and i can't help but picture the tense moments unspoken of... the way it's presented is so unrealistic in every way it seems on a different note, you are absolutely killing it looking so stunning!!! you GO!

[@gabrielamarques6538]

Just starting the video and Kyra is soooo cute and smiling that made my whole day better

[@dogkuny]

co-host flamingo keeping me sane

[@dawnlight7803]

No honestly hear me out. Their whole relationship sound very fairytaillike. Like the old gruesome ones where concent wasn't even invented as a word yet and you'd just be married of at twelve because the next door knight slayed a big boar or smth.

[@TootieVirus]

Rachel, THIS OUTFIT! Wow. Visionary.

[@00iReNeAdLeR00]

We studied this book in our Bible study group and even from a Christian point of view it was absolutely disgusting. We endured it for a month and then we just agree to move to another book. But as I hate to waste my money (though I wasted it in the moment I bought it without realizing that Debie was the author) I finished the book and really, really, it goes downhill from there. Our main theological problem was that Debi portrays the husband as the ultimately authority of the wife. You must agree to everything he says, and never mention his flaws (or abuse) to your family or brothers/sisters in the faith. For Debie the perfect woman is one who lives every second of her life to the service of her husband. She also says that men are made in the image of God, but women are made on the image of MEN, so we are second class humans whose whole purpose on life is to satisfay a man (any man because according to Debie as long as they (say) are Christian you can marry anyone. For Debie it does not matter if your goals and dreams in life are completely different, the age gap is too big or you openly dislike him) For Debie the ideal thing is that other men (it can be your dad, your pastor or someone else) decide who you should marry with because obviously women are too stupid to make that kind of decision for themselves. The fact that the less problematic thing of that book is that Debie is antivax and says that a kid with autism is the worse thing that can happen to a couple says a lot about the kind of BS that there is in this book. So, yes -1000000000000000000000/10 Won't recommend to my worse enemy.

[@shanicek5188]

This book is insane. I can't even call these pearls Christians bc this is a tragedy

[@Ninarezner]

Thank you for the comfort of this gorgeous warm tone pallet, this look was a much needed sight for sore eyes whilst trying to not explode with rage over the content of this book!

[@boredcheshirecat7962]

It's frightening how the abuse cycle goes on and on, from a child to her eventual children... And how a whole community has it so normalized >< The Pearl's books truly should count as a confession/testimony for their crimes, not only child abuse, but also grooming and pedophilia on the husband's part.

[@AMoniqueOcampo]

Who does Michael think he is? A Mormon/Scientologist?! I srsly love your outfit!

[@cam4636]

Same shit, just recycled through a slightly different sermon

[@DeCorachannel]

The age difference actually wouldn't be that bad IF and only if they were both already fully grown adults and consenting to the situation rather than him grooming an oblivious teenager. My mom and dad had a ten year age difference, but they met when the were adults and already had similar life situations.

[@RachelOates]

Absolutely!

[@maggiewilder8856]

I absolutely adore the print on that outfit, and it is very well used in that outfit. Material is epic. Outfit is awesome. And they work perfectly together 🥰

[@bluejay4960]

I’m sorry that guy did that to you Rachel :/ it’s upsettingly common. The one who tried it on me made the mistake of doing it to a few of us who already knew each other, in a group where he had already been caught doing it once but kept it all hush-hush… I guess they hope that if we take it out on each other then less backlash will get back to them, but I hope people have started catching onto that sort of trick. Sending all the support from someone else who’s been there 💙

[@bazza3664]

As a dude, I was cringing so incredibly hard at every sentence you read so I can't imagine your reaction. Honestly, I felt the shudders and that weird creeping sensation between the shoulder blades so much that I almost couldn't finish the video. The fact that this mentality can still exist in an age of science and reason scares the shit out of me.

[@baileymoran8585]

My husband had a 13-14 year old girl who had a crush on him when he was in his early 20s and single. He went to the girl’s mom every time this girl flirted with him.