Cartels and A Good Man - ralphthemoviemaker

[@trygveplaustrum4634]

He sounds like it's a chore for him to talk.

[@viscountrainbows6452]

I wouldn't be surprised if he's sneaking naps between takes because he ALWAYS sounds like he's groggy from a pill-induced sleep

[@markclayton8977]

He’s either on something or has a cognitive disorder, like a prior stroke.

[@Vorbis1199]

It's a chore to listen to him, too!

[@somedudefromTX]

@@markclayton8977 It's his brain cells being steadily replaced by fat cells

[@UberDr009]

It's in his contract. They have to add an extra 0 to his pay per decibel

[@StevePhoenix]

I love how Seagal constantly sounds like he's on his deathbed delivering his final words.

[@user04683]

Lmfao 🤣

[@diesinjapanese4754]

-Famous- last words

[@durkadurka5044]

I like how he runs as if Van Daam broke it off in his a$$

[@NINI-xc6my]

i like to think that Seagal was in so many bad action movies that even on his deathbed , while being surrounded by his family, he will try to sound like a badass.

[@vintagetoast3038]

Always a threat A big, bloated, always-sitting threat

[@citsune174]

Steven Seagal bringing an entire fucking Katana with him on a Spec-Ops mission has to be the most blatant example of a self-insert, edgy "tough guy" I've ever witnessed in my life.

[@AztecUnshaven]

He's a legit martial artist though, 100 percent.

[@chironjo]

@@AztecUnshaven Yeah, and Sen Pai and Dalai Lama incarnation, in his own words!!😂😂😂😂

[@simronmwana3889]

That Katana came out from nowhere.

[@pokehybridtrainer]

@@simronmwana3889 Pulled it out of his ass.

[@ahall9839]

@@AztecUnshaven Wanna buy my essential oils?

[@alik250]

He needs two watches on each arm for the time zone difference across his body

[@nickk.2055]

I feel like such a piece of shit for laughing at this, but this comment is the funniest thing I've read all week

[@MarcelYT16]

👏 nice one

[@iflexx39]

Hahaha!

[@henrijs1733]

bruuuuuh i'm taking notes. legendary roast

[@amirh4733]

Glorious

[@TheFurboFin]

He always sounds like he’s running out of breath- or, well, I guess sitting out of breath

[@viscountrainbows6452]

He wasn't born on a turnip truck, man. He *is* the turnip truck.

[@narcspector]

FUCK ME THESE ARE BOTH SO GOOD🤣

[@comixproviderftw_02]

“Look at his lips, you can see the PLEH on his lips… It’s cause he’s so fat.” That had me crying 😂😂😂

[@gagnorblu]

@@comixproviderftw_02 I think my favorite description of his acting had to be ‘Fatly running around corners.’

[@bananaempijama]

Badum tss

[@CypherIsland]

“Almost 70 Year Old Man Lives Out Murder Fantasies Because He Was Too Scared to Join the Military”

[@jcdenton2187]

Almost 70 year old man who never diversified his acting career continues to believe his own lies about himself, pretending he's still a great action hero.

[@beircheartaghaistin2332]

@@jcdenton2187 *Still pretending he was ever a good a action hero

[@patrickbateman312]

@@beircheartaghaistin2332 Hard to Kill is a solid flick. His initial foray into action movies was pretty respectable. He's just a shit person, who let his ego get in the way of his limited ability.

[@beircheartaghaistin2332]

@@patrickbateman312 I stand by what I said

[@patrickbateman312]

@@beircheartaghaistin2332 Respectable

[@GleeChan]

I love how Steven Seagal needs a body double even for sitting down scenes.

[@comixproviderftw_02]

He’s the reverse Bruce Willis

[@MisterSpinalzo]

I refuse to believe he's on set for more than the absolute minimum

[@HE13272326]

@@comixproviderftw_02 I'd rather have Bruce thought (if the Budget alows it) He actually used to be a real actor.

[@chrisredfield6274]

It's because he won't even show up on set half the time

[@panonymousbloom5405]

I don't think he needs one, I think the producers just prefer to frame a shot in a shitty way and place a body double than try to get him to do another take. I genuinely think he has like max two takes of every scene and gets bitchy when anyone tries to question his "acting choices".

[@Zhoniin]

Why is Steven always doing a half whisper? He sounds like a doctor writing a prescription.

[@Chuked]

Dunno

[@MTdaBlacking]

"I'm gonna prescribe ya some muscle relaxantsss for yer jaw..."

[@isaacbenzing5686]

A white doctor pretending to be black writing a prescription

[@demoman87]

drunken slurs

[@comixproviderftw_02]

“I will snatch every motherfucking birthday(?).”

[@onewingedangel2479]

Steven Segal's speech makes me understand how English sounds to non native speakers. Amazing

[@pokemons1]

Ralph: "Say Hi to everyone Steven." Steven: "はいー"

[@colerogers3681]

😂😂😂😂

[@terrealexander4442]

I'm ded

[@comixproviderftw_02]

Steven “Weeaboo” Seagal

[@papayer]

He does look like he's ready to attend an animecon.

[@sallobo777]

Ralph in 30 years at Steven Seagal's funereal; "He was indeed a good man;He put my kids through college, thanks for the views Steven."

[@Gonzalo-gr7ov]

"30 years"

[@Brainwarts99]

Yeah he’s 70 years old I’m not sure he’s got that much longer lol

[@MrSergayfgtxd]

@@Brainwarts99 he's 70? daaamn

[@Mantis42]

he looks like he already died

[@lucasrodillo6739]

@Mario nice

[@planetschlock]

When Steven Seagal delivers his lines, he always sounds like he's trying to begrudgingly make conversation on an abnormally long elevator ride with someone he hates.

[@wyattc.4455]

I can imagine Steven reciting the navy seal copypasta.

[@papayer]

@Hou I don't know about no pauses. He's out of breath every other letter A.

[@krishanuA]

You have won something with this comment. I don't know what it is, but you've won something!

[@aarondavis8943]

And then snatching all the mother fucking Labour Day long weekends.

[@dmichael7144]

Imagine Seagal going through BUD/S training. He would drown after… Imma be generous and say 6 seconds!

[@Ivebeenbleak]

It sounds like something he'd write in one of his scripts

[@Rampy470]

So that line about being born on a turnip truck is a severe butchering of an old idiom, "just fell off the turnip truck". It means the same thing as saying someone was born yesterday (naive easily fooled etc) but more popular in rural areas. Now how the hell he turned that into "I wasn't born on a turnip truck" I have no idea.

[@jackmeeks2294]

Lol he also took "I was born at night, but not last night." And turned it into "..and I was not born at night, I was born on a bright sunny day."

[@Kickiusz]

@@jackmeeks2294 King of improv, ladies and gentlemen.

[@brianlawson3757]

I was about to say the same thing. It's a turn of phrase that my father used often.

[@devforfun5618]

@@Kickiusz that explains everything, he changes completely normal lines into dumb lines that make no sense, just so he can claim he wrote his own lines

[@jwanbesande2734]

"I didn't fall out of yesterday."

[@ssharkbait]

The stunt men putting in all of the work while he just stands there waving his arms around is hilarious. It’s like when a parent lets their kid think they’re winning in a game.

[@DreadedEnding]

“This is the fuckin come to Jesus moment; and I was not born on a turnip truck man.” Honestly some of the best dialogue I’ve ever heard

[@SAMSARALIVEEEEEE]

Get to the fuckin nitty gritty here

[@AfferbeckBeats]

The turnip truck line was almost kinda cool, and you know the writer/Seagal thinks so too because then they overdid it with the lame 'wasn't born at night' follow up.

[@GigaChadh976]

@@AfferbeckBeats Like what was wrong with the actual expression? Y’know “I was born at night, but not last night.”

[@madmanpecos]

“I will snatch every motherfucker birthday”

[@user-sh3vz3ol3j]

What does it even mean, and how is one supposed to actually react to that? lol

[@IAmNumber4000]

I feel like he's going for a "too cool to deal with the villain" persona but instead it just comes across as "too exhausted to deal with the villain".

[@SureWhyNot777]

it comes across as "too exhausted to deal with the film"

[@suezuccati304]

@@SureWhyNot777 too exhausted to sit up

[@roxzannezook3269]

That old family guy skit where there’s that massive fat detective just sitting there wheezing and he solves the case somehow.

[@etrs]

@@suezuccati304 nice pfp

[@MinscFromBaldursGate92]

@@roxzannezook3269 Except Seagal doesn't have problems with cheese.

[@manicpixiefangirl4189]

Someday someone’s gonna write the great American novel and the first sentence is gonna be: He was born at night on a turnip truck.

[@finp_c2857]

"I was born on a bright sunny fucking day man"- Segal sigma male

[@comixproviderftw_02]

“I was not born on a fucking turnip truck, man..” You know he thought that speech was fucking awesome.

[@davidjames579]

@@comixproviderftw_02 He is the King Of Improv, after all

[@papayer]

@@davidjames579 if you'll excuse him saying so. I wouldn't blame if you didn't, I certain don't myself.

[@varegab]

Oh, you think the sunlight is your ally. I was born in it.

[@connorfinnigan263]

Steven feels like an AI based character when you type in the characteristics "fight" "martial arts" "fat" and "god complex"

[@sacramentocheesehog9195]

Lmfao 🤣

[@beef_drink]

@Prayingmantis211 AI also implies that his intelligence is artificial

[@ROYBGP]

He doesn't actually know any martial arts or how to fight.

[@jeevithrai7994]

I wonder what AIDungeon would come up with, using those traits.

[@da_vincii5719]

Don't forget "American"

[@DeepEye1994]

Good lord, the South Park parody was super accurate when they make fun of how poorly he handles the gun

[@TheTexasDice]

"This is an actor..." Okay wow, Ralph. I'm already not on board with your script 3 seconds in.

[@Qmontun]

Ralph dropping hot takes on the first five seconds as usual

[@papayer]

I can't tell whether you're being serious or not and that's sad with how bad the comments on his videos are getting as of late.

[@nan0artz92]

Doesn’t matter to me, I’m here to be entertained

[@comixproviderftw_02]

“Look at his lips, you can see the PLEH on his lips. It’s cause he’s so fat.” That had me crying 😂😂😂

[@narcspector]

@@comixproviderftw_02 bro that and "his miniscule penis" I was scream laughing like a maniac 😭

[@AEFarnam]

Here's why so many of Steven's scenes use doubles stand ins or are shot on separate days: he's unbelievably horrificly, awfully, impossibly hard to work with. My Uncle Rick was on the lighting crew of SNL from the late 80s til about 5 years ago. The guest house that came on over the years that he worked there, Steven Seagal was the absolute worst guest host ever to work with. Why? When he showed up on Monday the week prior to airing he did so with his lawyer, and the lawyer informed everyone, from lighting to camera to catering to cast that they were not to speak to Steven, but to speak with him and he would relay to Steven, who was often only a few feet away. He tried to control the lighting aspects of the show, the camera blocking, re-writing lines mid rehearsal, all mind you through his intermediary, the lawyer. He said Al Franken, normally a completely composed cool calm guy was so worked up over Stevens attitude he said he would kill him if he ever set foot on set again.

[@drygnfyre]

Hasn't he also in recent years become a slightly unhinged alt-righter? Maybe I'm thinking of someone else. But I've heard that he's pretty much burned through any goodwill he's had and this is why he has to do these terrible movies to stay relevant in any way.

[@nickk.2055]

@@drygnfyre LMAO, youre not wrong. in ralphs previous seagal vid, he cuts to a fucking completely unhinged TV interview with seagal where he is goes on and on about some dumb conspiracy theories about the Democrats, it's honestly hilarious watching the news anchors trying to process what hes even trying to say

[@Im__Andy-f6x]

@@nickk.2055 not to mention he's publicly defended Putin and said he's one of the greatest living world leaders

[@Gta4isgarbage]

Here's my question, Why can't people talk to steven?

[@henrijs1733]

@@Im__Andy-f6x putin's not even top 3 by Russian leaders. the fuck Stephen. i trusted you.

[@Bhubnipz]

Segal saying “fuck you, bitch”, as breathlessly as I’ve ever heard anyone say anything, is the laugh I needed tonight

[@hronnoc9532]

I'd love to see him preparing for his action scene. *stretches back* *tries to touch toes* *coughs* "Alright let's do this" *lumbers away*

[@codysubways5117]

💀💀💀💀💀

[@Youcifer]

best comment

[@agent-xqj3733]

Your comment deserves more likes

[@Qira.]

_"If ah stretch too muhch..."_ [Heavy inhale] _"-I throw ma back ou[t]."_ [Sleepy wheeze with eyes closed]

[@dundun8640]

Hahahahaha

[@Maxisamo1]

Imagine being a fit and professionally trained fighter, appearing in TWO MCU media. And then you have to pretend to get your ass kicked by Steven Seagal

[@mezmerizer0266]

How much you paying me?

[@sopronunciareglignocchi7255]

Not only that, but Georges St-Pierre is regarded as pound-for-pound the best mixed martial artist to ever exist by many mixed martial artist fans. He gained the UFC Welterweight and UFC Middleweight belts and finished his UFC career as champion of those weight divisions, whilst retiring with a professional mixed martial artist record of 26 wins and 2 losses (he avenged his two losses by beating Matt Serra and Matt Hughes in rematches). Steven Seagal is nowhere near Georges St-Pierre's level and Georges deserves so much more.

[@Maxisamo1]

@@sopronunciareglignocchi7255 Steven Seagal could get his ass kicked by any Joe Schmoe

[@fattiger6957]

@@Maxisamo1 Steven Seagull is def getting his ass kicked by high blood pressure and diabetes.

[@mannypardoacedetective856]

Yeah I was shocked to see GSP, I guess he needed money

[@geofff.3343]

You know, when I think about these Segal films I think about good films with aging action stars. The one that comes to mind is The Foreigner with Jackie Chan. As someone who grew up on Jackie Chan movies I wasn't expecting him to do a lot in the film. The writers knew this. He plays a realistically aged man, with a family. He's not got everyone talking about what a badass he is, he's not running around competing with people half his age. So when it does come out that he is a bad ass it feels earned, and even when he is in fights he wins them either through preparation, some fortuitous good luck, or escapes them by the skin of his teeth. Yeah, he's able to fight, but like a proper martial artist, he has an awareness of his limitations and knows how to fight to give himself the advantage or run away to continue his large goal. He rarely takes on anyone in a straight fight and when some random muscle does track him down it's almost harrowing because you know he can't win against them all. Segal is just living out puerile fantasies, which hey if you can get someone to front lots of money so you can play make believe more power to you I guess, but it's just so sad.

[@sacredswordaikido]

how she living out fantasies? he's in movies.. they ARE fantasies. these are just roles. for entertainment.

[@maromaro1337]

There are a handful of things I love in life. *One of them are reviews of shitty Steven Seagal films*

[@TheSquad4life]

Me too

[@Kaiden-9226]

There movies are funny to shit on

[@thema1998]

Same here! 🙋

[@thatguyintherain3168]

Correction: just Steven Seagal films

[@w4rlock348]

You gotta love MistaGG ones then

[@phffffbt]

I love how despite claiming to be a Martial Arts Expert, Seagal sounds out of breath when he's just sitting down.

[@alexthemoviemanoutofmymind7897]

His bs no one taking him seriously in the Mma community

[@gaiusjuliuspleaser]

He was supposedly a pretty good aikido practicioner. Of course that was 40 years and 400 pounds ago.

[@pentelegomenon1175]

breathing exercises man

[@Roccosfilms]

I have asthma and I'm better at breathing

[@Sky_Cloud]

@@gaiusjuliuspleaser 4000*

[@TheHockerman]

The reason he only holds the gun with one hand is so he can use the handrail lmao

[@at2425__]

The devil works hard, but Steven segals body double works harder.

[@kuyarickkelley4719]

Hard enough to give Bruce Willis' body double a run for his money

[@wetstinkysocks490]

Steven works hard too ya know! Like he works so hard to read a wikiHow on how to hold a gun and I think he understands the gist of it. Like he knows to hold and point it lol and if you speak a different language other than English that's okay! Steven will just kindly ask, "hey why don't you speak English?" Problem solved 🤗

[@silversurfer6360]

Not really his body double just have to stand

[@nemanjajovanov]

It's tough to find him a body double, because Steven Seagal is already double the human body. That's why they tried to get him a stand-in, which was also weird because Seagal rarely stands.

[@VampireNahga]

Every time there’s a scene of Seagal walking, he looks like a glacier slowly moving forward…

[@courier6960]

If Seagal was a glacier, then the titanic would have probably had enough time to get out of the way

[@BoogieDevil]

I love how when Steven talks, it sounds like he's about to pass out at any moment.

[@YouTubenostalgia914]

That whole "turnip truck" monologue was the best I've ever seen Segal act. I bet that was just him flexing on the other actor, and they just happened to get it on film.

[@LowRentLefty]

Which is weird because Luke Goss isn't that bad of an actor. He was great in Blade 2 and Hellboy: The Golden Army. You'd think that he'd be acting circles around Segal.

[@STARDRIVE]

It's such a rake expression. I actually think he WAS born in a turnip truck, and is in denial. Why else would he bring it up?

[@q.parablesque5610]

He got both of those saying wrong. It's "I didn't just fall off a turnip truck" and "I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night."

[@flamesofjihad4069]

@@q.parablesque5610 Finally someone gets it.

[@fromvault801]

Anyone else see the Seagal "reality" show where he was a Cajun sheriff? It was the pinnacle of the genre

[@Chuked]

T h e p i n n a c l e

[@talkinghoorse6936]

It's also the show where he ran over a dog with a tank.

[@RegionalRadioShackManager]

@@Chuked pineapple

[@max850]

Is that the one Tom Segura makes fun of?

[@So1oman23]

@@max850 yes!

[@First.And.Final.Fury.]

Steven Segal is the type of Sensei to get his ass whooped and say he took it easy on you And then you get kicked out of the dojo.

[@treefingers6572]

"They didn't just cross the border They crossed the line" sounds like a fucking joke made to make fun of these movies. Holy shit this stuff writes itself.

[@knowledgeanddefense1054]

Edgar Wright: "write that down, write that down!"

[@drifter402]

To be fair I'd it's not funny then what's the point

[@Red-jl1qr]

The whole "I wasn't born on a turnip truck" spiel had more swears than a middle school old bus ride

[@kolonarulez5222]

It's like whoever wrote the script was being paid an extra dollar per f bomb

[@doctorferdinand1003]

In addition to his roles in the MCU, Georges St Pierre is also the consensus greatest UFC champion of all time, making Seagal's easy handling of him all the funnier.

[@shelfenthusiast]

seems like a good man. i doubt he'd ever be in the cartel.

[@zleep9182]

Someone needs to make one of those rage comic “he will never be” memes with this

[@comixproviderftw_02]

“That’s part of the life… BITCH!”

[@devilmaycrysarockingdontcome]

@@comixproviderftw_02 wanna be a gangster?

[@shawklan27]

Cause they don't want him there

[@superlombax1561]

I see what you did there.

[@nickkiller-0710]

He does his dialogue like a shy child reading something for the first time, the pauses are so off and he just emphasizes words weirdly all the time, but at least he can snatch every fucking birthday

[@Theevil6ify]

Seriously what does "snatch every fucking birthday" mean??

[@KORNEWARRIOR]

snatch every mudafuckin bird day

[@Lilferiby]

@@Theevil6ify I think it means he'll take every future birthday away from the guy when he kills him, but it's still a fucking lame threat, hah.

[@KORNEWARRIOR]

@@Lilferiby well i'm sorry to hear that

[@Lilferiby]

@@KORNEWARRIOR Well your version would have been better, haha.

[@FilthTribeFTP]

Lol, "I wasn't born at night"? That makes absolutely no sense. The saying goes, "I may have been born at night, but I wasn't born LAST night", meaning "I'm not stupid, I've been around and know a thing or two."

[@snapdowndarsee4959]

How much did they pay GSP to lose. Steven probably taught him his secret front kick as payment.

[@alexl2679]

The secret is just to weigh as much as a small hippo

[@richardcheese4680]

Silva would’ve never destroy the middleweight devision if not for Steven “the Sensei” Seagul.

[@jakey14344]

I'd rather watch Jake Paul beating Manny Paquiao than Steven Seaboomboom kick GSP's ass.

[@PeachBoi_Real]

literally whatever his role money was. He was paid to act, not kick ass.

[@satiregoat41]

Shoulda brought in Matt Serra for a surprise 3rd act fight scene

[@ShAd0wSh0ckEr]

Steven wasn't actually intimidating him, he was just legit telling him the very details of the day of his birth.

[@b3nl555]

Just to clarify, he wasn't born on a turnip truck.

[@henrijs1733]

@@b3nl555 that's impossible to know at this point

[@b3nl555]

@@p0KerViK1NG67 EXACTLY, THANK YOU. Contrary to popular belief, he was born on a bright fucking sunny day

[@redbigun]

1. Will Sasso portrayed him so accurately on MadTv. I was young and saw it when it aired, but I was clueless about what kind of person Steven Segal is. 2. He is a complete creep and that Katherine Heigl story confirms it.

[@Takimeko]

Steven Seagal has mastered the art of speaking in Cursive.

[@KalisShort]

No he is speaking braille

[@P-P-Panda]

@@KalisShort I CANT EVEN 😂

[@DrDestructo]

7:32 Keeping your muzzle off an ally in a situation like this is actually a thing people do constantly in combat, it's really important. It's just that Steven Seagal is clumsy and lazy, so even the simple act of keeping a loaded gun off a friend looks like something showy and labored. Also, folks with tactical training learn to shoot off of both shoulders because it's easier to stay in cover when you can just adjust your firing stance- don't have to peek out as far, just switch the shoulder you're keeping your gun on. It's just again, Seagal is an idiot walrus and he's doing it to look like a Tactical Badass.

[@Hawkinszm1]

Yes.

[@Ohmz27]

I love when he holds guns like a hairdrier

[@pretzelstick320]

Yep , it’s just the execution that’s horrible

[@jtwilliamson3723]

"Tactical Badass". Ha! Bet he has a gorgeous henna tattoo that says that across his stomach. Probably the name of his upcoming biopic! Starring Joey Diaz, as Ste.... Ugh, couldn't breathe.

[@Mikehawk906]

Yes, but you wouldn’t aim your gun towards the ceiling when you’re near a teammate, you’d aim it down at the ground. And the switching shoulders for firing is generally only used when mounting your rifle against a wall, car or other cover. You wouldn’t swap shoulders to turn around to shoot in the open like he did lol.

[@253Monty]

That turnip truck line is delivered with the most conviction I've heard Seagal use in like a decade.

[@ShamankingZuty]

The MadTV skits with Will Sasso playing Steven Seagal hold up to this day and perfectly portray Steven. I highly recommend checking them out.

[@sethlopez7769]

I remember those! Steven Seagal's America

[@sandyn3384]

I almost peed myself laughing 😂😂

[@theville9885]

Will is amazing in those. The one where he is convinced he can fly kills me.

[@briansimmons2723]

@@sethlopez7769 Put the sweet N low back on the table

[@sethlopez7769]

@@briansimmons2723 Proceeds to break neck lol

[@AscendantCorn]

“No joy” is a military term meaning “no information” or “no visual contact” on an enemy. It sounds cool when you say it once, but he just keeps fucking saying it.

[@joshfennell2257]

"More joy, then!" --Niander The Moviemaker

[@luliu4572]

I've been in for years now on both the enlisted side and the officer side in the field. Not once have I heard anyone say that

[@AscendantCorn]

@@luliu4572 it’s an aviation term. Not a flyer, but I served as a radio operator in the Army. I too never heard it actually said over comms, but it’s a real thing.

[@izzeypally]

"No joy" is what you get while watching Steven Segal movies

[@zleep9182]

so glad Steven Seagulls took a break from his job as a policeman to deliver such fine kino as “a good man”

[@ozymandiasramesses1773]

He protects and craft-services.

[@chefburns7482]

Pretty sure he got fired for driving a tank into a house and killing family dog

[@swedishhousemfia]

“Kino der Seagull”

[@relaxationstation7634]

I think Steven wanted to be a part of "A Good Man" so when you googled his name it would say "Steven Seagal A Good Man". But that's just a theory.

[@bigkmoviesandgames]

Definitely a possibility.

[@krishanuA]

That settles it. Good work!

[@khamulthewack4732]

*A game theory*

[@krishanuA]

@Mario Hey, thanks Mario, for taking the time out from saving the Princess 👸AND putting across a pretty good point! Hopefully, 'Sensei' Seagal's Social media marketing team, or whatever it's called, will take note of this. 😂😂

[@PlatoonGoon]

'Steven Seagal: A Desperate Man' calling it

[@BernardGarcon]

18:41 Steven's totally real sword wiggled like a 3 dollar prop after impaling that man who questioned the validity of his creation of Anderson Silva's front kick

[@CurtisDyer]

Nick Mullen: "fatly going around corners."

[@iamjester1]

Hell yea dude

[@gruntpocalypsenow]

Yeah, I’m thinking I’m fat

[@nsh1980]

Also I’m gay

[@orenthalgregoriasmudbone7988]

I'm black actor Steven Seagal

[@MartKencuda]

"And that's Steven Seagal's definition of 'A Good Man'"

[@greengarnish1711]

Once Steven gets up from his chair that's when shit gets real.

[@colonless7512]

Break it down for me

[@MrVictor1227]

We are on the move

[@volpeverde6441]

when he shits his pants, more like....

[@jtwilliamson3723]

Yepp. The poor circulation, the labored breathing, the dizzy spells, the incoherent mumbling, the numbing and eventual lack of use of limbs. Yes, that's when the stroke - er, shit - gets real!

[@chillhour6155]

Steven Segal, the only actor that needs a body double for sitting down

[@calmgoodfire4662]

I still can’t believe he’s sitting down and is still tired asf

[@MacBreezyy]

Well when you’ve been 450 pounds since 1992 I mean…. His hearts had to have been replaced several times at this point.

[@somedudefromTX]

He's Eric Cartman IRL

[@josephc.highjr.2947]

He's the new Cameron Mitchell.

[@narcspector]

He's clearly on drugs in addition to being fat. And I don't mean like illegal narcotics necessarily (that'd be hella ironic tho lol), more likely Opioid Painkillers or some kinda like tranquilizer, or even a benzo like Xanax or Valium. If he's stone cold sober talkin like that; then I want to be paid for the fact that this mutant is allowed to live on the same planet as me, getting paid to sit down, read words, walk around, and start to pretend to throw a punch or kick before they cut away to a stuntman. HE DOESN'T GET TO HAVE FREE MONEY BECAUSE HIS NAME "CARRIED *WEIGHT"* (gottem) IN A VERY DUMB PERIOD OF TIME IN AMERICAN CINEMATIC HISTORY

[@somedudefromTX]

@@josephc.highjr.2947 At least audiences could understand most of Cameron's dialogue

[@bigsboy2863]

I wanna be like Steven Seagal when I get older. Imagine getting paid just to sit in a chair, saying your lines horribly while out of breath, and just walking around sets pointing a gun wrong. That sounds easy to me. Not fun but easy.

[@Sorcerers_Apprentice]

He's a washed up has-been, you wouldn't want his life. He's a sexual predator who's beaten his wives and girlfriends, everyone in Hollywood hates him for being such a massive douche. He's burned all his bridges and can't get any legit work, all his films are being done by company fronts that launder money from organized crime.

[@screamsintothevoid9968]

That ain't a life worth living tbh

[@bigsboy2863]

@@screamsintothevoid9968someone’s gotta tell that to Steven

[@KaaneDragonShinobi]

minus the out of shape and two seconds away from a heart attack part at least let me look fit while pretending to be an action hero

[@OhNotThat]

8:39 Steven: "I was not born on a fucking turnip truck man" Suspect: "Okay...I never said you were..." Steven: "I wasn't born at night, mudafuka. I was born on a bright sunny day! you hear me!" Suspect: "...alright. You were born during... the day?" Steven: "Do not think I'm fuken Do!" Suspect: "what?" Steven: "Do not think you can play me, get the fukin nitty gritty here!" Suspect: "What's happening?!"

[@astapler4808]

Kid: Mom can we watch Sicario? Mom: No, we have Sicario at home. Sicario at home:

[@tubeuser2222]

time to run away from home

[@jakey14344]

I'd rather watch the sequel. Sure, it had no Emily Blunt and the 2nd half was disjointed, but still enjoyable.

[@cavemanlovesmoke4394]

😭

[@bozotheclown1142]

@@jakey14344 You mean Emily Blunt?

[@jakey14344]

@@bozotheclown1142 sorry. I'm wrong.

[@vrapbrap]

They should just start making movies with a Steven Seagal png being dragged around and his dialogue being just random cuts from lines he delivered in older movies.

[@suezuccati304]

dont tempt me

[@devforfun5618]

why all that work, just find a new actor with an artistic name like stephen seaghoul, dressed in leather with an orange glasses, people dont watch his movies because of him, they watch because of the idea of him, it is not even as if his movies are making any money

[@more17]

@@suezuccati304 OMG do it! :D

[@more17]

@@devforfun5618 not making this up that's kinda what happened to Bruce Lee after he died. There was a run of "Brucesploitation" films starring imitators like "Bruce Le" and "Bruce Li." :P

[@devforfun5618]

@@more17 i know, even jackie chan was one, but he decided to change the style of his movies to stand out, and it worked

[@domantasdziakonis9629]

This was hilarious. Listening to Steven Seagal talk is painful. He's one of those people you just want to tell to stfu when they're rambling while drunk.

[@yurikendal4868]

Segals fights scenes are just one guy letting Segal throw him around while the others just stand watch patiently.

[@sparking117]

Just goes to show that he's a true master of aikido

[@marwapranata5698]

That's just how aikido actually is

[@MinscFromBaldursGate92]

@@sparking117 Also a master of Bullshido.

[@dmichael7144]

Fight scenes aren’t exciting when you’re hero doesn’t get hit once. It’s more fun when they’re challenged!

[@wtfaiwpodcast]

Attrition is an interesting one. He was originally supposed to direct it himself, but that would have been a lot of work, so he hired someone I consider a really promising talent to direct for him, and the result is weird and bad and self-important and kind of cool in a couple of spots but mostly just dumb. The Keeper is decent by the standards of direct-to-video Steven Seagal films, but that's not saying a lot.

[@RTX_Remix]

Can someone confirm this guy as a bot?

[@Odinsday]

@@PeachBoi_Real Or Seagal shitting himself?

[@TCFan25]

Anything Steve touches goes to shit

[@bigronnie9629]

I'm just waiting on him becoming "Born Again" and start doing Pure Flix films. You know it's coming.

[@MrPolicekarim]

Isn't he a Buddist though? But he is that person though, I agree 100%!

[@glitchedoom]

Nothing would make me happier.

[@daredevil6145]

Now, we need *Bruce Willis and Steven Segal* in a film called *Contract Kill- Absolute Death*

[@triggeredcat120]

I was squawk laughing at this. 😂😂

[@fattiger6957]

Can a film camera contain so much laziness and apathy on one frame. I feel like everyone who watches it will spontaneously fall into a coma.

[@colonless7512]

Break it down for me

[@Welcome2TheOhioState]

I can imagine the dialogue now “Break it down for every mother fucker birthday”

[@abc4781]

@@fattiger6957 you say laziness but keep in mind these dudes are as old as dirt lol.

[@somanytakennames]

I like that in A Good Man his nickname (Gwailou) is a Cantonese slur for Westerners. Not at all badass.

[@ChucksSEADnDEAD]

They probably thought of "Gaijin" but realized the story didn't take place in Japan so they looked up the equivalent online without looking at the context.

[@howie_potterYT]

Steven Seagal delivers his lines like he just finished walking up five flights of stairs.

[@therealgowon]

steven’s monologue 8 minutes in had me dying i thought it was gonna stop sooner but it kept going

[@sparthyslaysstuff2405]

I wasn't born on a fucking turnip truck man.

[@N4chtigall]

Steven Seagal is literally built like Teletubbies. He walk the same, run the same, move his arms the same.

[@HeyitsTom999]

Equally understandable when he speaks...

[@redwoodpartisan2433]

That’s an insult to teletubbies. At least they’re joyful adorable little creatures for kids. Not Steven though

[@doomsday24]

Lol more like a penguin imitating a human being.. he is able to teleport waddle away from a scend while he sends his body double to finish the job to show that he means business

[@Rhiggins5173]

Yo Bitch, I love you. Your content is so strong, I really like it when you pull back and have a running story, I get why you don't do it as often anymore but the extra work really pays off in the video. I watched your reviews when I had to pull all nighters in college and they really helped keep the mood light and awake. It's interesting to see people being creative and honestly really inspiring. Looking foreword to see where you go, if you ever need an effects artist lmk Ty

[@Glassandcandy]

Big props to the VFX guys who had to edit out Steve’s Dialysis machine out of all of the shots of him sitting down barely moving. They did a great job, you hardly even notice!

[@bruhsoundeffect2801]

I feel like he takes these roles so he can convince himself he's as cool the people he's casted as. Like a kid on a playground.

[@fattiger6957]

That's Seagul's entire life. The guy constantly makes up complete bs about himself to sound cool, but he just comes off as a joke. According to him (at different points of his life) he's been Italian, Japanese, Mongolian, Native American, and Russian. He claims, as a teenager, he hung out with Bruce Lee and James Coburn. And he magically predicted Brandon Lee's death. And yet, Sly Stallone told a story about how Seagul was badmouthing Van Damme at a party. Then when Van Damme called him out and challenged him to a fight, Seagul wimped out and ran away.

[@jojbenedoot7459]

@@fattiger6957 don't forget he's the only civilian to have diffused a nuclear bomb

[@maximummatt73]

And Van Damme studied ballet and shit

[@xkidgey]

He's like Tim Heidecker but real. He's on a level of narcissism that is a spectacle to behold

[@Tim_the_Enchanter]

"I wasn't born on a turnip truck ... and I didn't fall off at night." No ... wait ... "I was born in the morning ... but I didn't have breakfast ... " No ... wait ... "Fool me once ... a fool has no money ... " No ... wait ...

[@A_Dopamine_Molecule]

I'm at least 30% sure that these films are a money laundry for drugs...

[@seanmatthewking]

@Google Account Laundry

[@theflanman1986]

It would be funny if the budgets were 100 million

[@dionsyndrome6929]

Without a doubt

[@docwho2828]

I am 90% sure Matt is Kylo Ren!

[@chippo5616]

Look at my boy Steven, running and everything, so proud

[@danitho]

🤣🤣

[@viscountrainbows6452]

He jogged a whole 3 feet, that's a risky stunt for a man of his composition.

[@aokproservice9324]

Lmfao!!!

[@shawklan27]

Very cool.

[@arthurvix5380]

13:05 It was French, bad French but still French, he was saying : « C’est bon, viens » which translates to : « It’s okay, come on »

[@oneinathousand2156]

Now every time I doubt my writing ability I’m gonna remember “I wasn’t born at night, I was born on a bright sunny day” and know that even if my writing sucks I’m not ever going to write a line like that. It’s like Baby’s First Attempt at Themes.

[@justincruz5720]

That’s a pretty comforting thought.

[@buried4430]

Exactly how I feel, lol.

[@pentelegomenon1175]

I could make it work.

[@justincruz5720]

@@pentelegomenon1175 What do you mean? How can you make it work?

[@Sky_Cloud]

@@justincruz5720 change sunny to fucking and swap Steven Seagull with someone actually intimidating, make sure the guy is standing and being expressive and getting more aggressive, per word, in his delivery and you *might* have something. “I wasn’t born at night, *I* WAS *BORN* ON *A* *BRIGHT* *FUCKING* *DAY*”

[@theytsnapbacks7776]

You see the thing about Steven Segal is that even though he's an actor, he doesn't like being in films he stars in

[@somedudefromTX]

If he didn't star in films like these he just wouldn't be in movies anymore

[@nazarenomilohanich4883]

Bold of you to assume he's an actual actor on the first place

[@theytsnapbacks7776]

@@nazarenomilohanich4883 Good point

[@guitarman64100]

AND PRODUCES

[@pentelegomenon1175]

@Damian Rubio Maybe he's always short of breath from being so flabby, and this is all he can physically muster.

[@beens2203]

8:10 this is like, the most least threatening spiel/monolouge/speech thing I've ever heard. Steven Segal is unfortunately not the most imposing man

[@vanroyal244]

Doesn't help that he says "I was not born on a turnip truck."

[@ethanisfancy]

“He’s a good director. He knows editing, looping.” That reminds me of the Red Letter Media video where they cover The Last Vampire on Earth. All of the director’s compliments were like, “They always showed up!”

[@WittyOriginalUsername]

“He showed up on time and memorized his lines”

[@ethanisfancy]

@@WittyOriginalUsername That's how you KNOW an actor is great. Good job, Shrek!

[@rudeboyjohn3483]

"What's your favorite scene.... ... . I like..I like all of them"

[@redcomet_622]

"My name is Vitaly Versace and im a film director"

[@gaiusjuliuspleaser]

@@redcomet_622 Versace Entertainmen

[@caladamson7281]

My sisters are I get together to watch bad movies once a week, and we went down the Steven Seagal rabbit hole after starting with On Deadly Ground. In terms of bad movies, he really is the gift that keeps on giving.

[@sdot5389]

On Deadly Ground was actually released in theatres. All this recent garbage is an even lower level of direct to video garbage.

[@skookyskellingtons]

My man literally named his main character Gweilo. Gweilo does mean "white ghost" (technically) but it's used as a slur.

[@mitchdouglas9844]

Bully-proof windows, troll-safe doors, nothing but kindness in here

[@bRETTfAVREatgbnyjmni]

In my safe spaaace

[@JonathanLewispartypenguin]

To be fair, he thought we'd all be super stoked on him.

[@JoeChillton]

"You may call me a pussy, they won't hear you in your safe spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace."

[@bRETTfAVREatgbnyjmni]

Let’s all get togetherrrrr And make bullying kill itself!

[@theequivalent3138]

Are Steven Seagulls lungs wet balloons or something? Like every word seems to literally be taking away years of his life (his life as a stool of course). I mean should he sit harder or what?

[@viscountrainbows6452]

The next logical step will be movies where most of his scenes are him in bed.

[@courier6960]

Well, when you are almost 500 fucking pounds, old, lazy, and purposeless your body is just struggling every day to not just kill itself out of sheer spite for its owner

[@ameliadavidson360]

Ralph, bless you for this. I cannot tell you how many times my brother and I have quoted this video of yours. Priceless. This is art!

[@Gabagool802]

They didn’t let Steven finish his line, what he actually says is “Now I will snatch every mothafukin birthday cake”

[@Cyber_Jar23]

When you watch Stephen segal give interviews now, I get the feeling he churns out awful movies were he's a badass secret agent army Kung Fu spy guy because in his head he thinks that what he really is and he wants people to know how super cool he is. He humiliates himself so we all have something to laugh at and think to our selves in our darkest moments "at least I'm not Stephen segal" and for that, well done Mr Segal, we salute you, long may you continue on this journey

[@paulwhaleron1600]

Nah, he knows they suck. He's said in an interview that he's made more bad films than good films, and he isn't proud of most of his work. Don't get me wrong, the man has a delusionally inflated opinion of himself, but even he knows that these films are bad. He only does them because he can't get any other work.

[@Cyber_Jar23]

@@paulwhaleron1600 I strangely respect that he knows his movies suck, so he does feel shame, but he still collects bigger paychecks than most of us ever will. On the other hand, considering finding someone who likes his recent movies is harder than finding a gay bar in Mecca, I get the feeling money goes I to the movies he makes primarily for money laundering purposes, why else would so much be knowingly pissed away

[@schnarfschnarf5886]

@@Cyber_Jar23 to be that guy. In the middle east when a boy reaches around 10yo they dress him up as a girl and make him dance like a girl, and then they "pass him around"

[@rivera229]

@@schnarfschnarf5886 Are you referring to Bachi Bazi? That's in Afghanistan, not Mecca.

[@RapterLover13]

22:23, Ralph, my dude, that fly is a symbol of how bad, how dirty these Seagal movies are.

[@DonniedrakoE]

Personally always thought Steven segal was like the anti keanu Reeves. Both aren't the best actors and do a lot of action movies but you can tell which one is actually trying.

[@krismckasson]

I've never heard anything bad about Keanu....so that fits with your theory.

[@atticuskoch2965]

@@krismckasson Bram Stoker's Dracula

[@krismckasson]

@@atticuskoch2965 I'm not talking about his acting....

[@atticuskoch2965]

@@krismckasson Oh sorry I misunderstood. yeah I've never heard anything bad about Keanu either, but seagal has faced rape and sexual harassment allegations, domestic abuse allegations...

[@krismckasson]

@@atticuskoch2965 it's actually funny. I googled Keanu in Dracula to try figuring out what you were talking about, and he refused to berate Wynonna Ryder in one of his scenes.

[@duplicarus]

“All y’all mutha Fuhka’s goin home” Why Steven

[@stevenvannacutt1061]

Bruh I didn't even hear the "t" in "mutha" from him!

[@scottydu81]

Im gonna snatch every mutha fuckers birthdays

[@arcusma]

Ralph, I think he’s like an Elden Ring boss, you have to activate him so he can move around

[@6thsavage]

Bringing new meaning to "Edge of your seat" action, i.e. Seagal's in the seat.

[@KrisKringlez]

God bless you Ralph for continuing to shit on this broken down toilet known as Steven Segal

[@sacramentocheesehog9195]

Damn son ruthless

[@Ceaseless_Cischarge]

Toilets with threatening auras: Human Edition

[@cavemanlovesmoke4394]

@@sacramentocheesehog9195 these gen z kids are assholes . Funny tho ;) Look yeh Segal makes terrible movies for the most part and has done stupid shit or acted a goof but ppl saying they fuckin hate him and calling him a fat piece of shit etc? feels like they are using him as a punching bag lol like chill yall this is segals thing

[@sacramentocheesehog9195]

@@cavemanlovesmoke4394 factual, I grew up watching out for justice and marked for death he was the man in the late 80’s early 90’s I mean yeah now he’s like a nick cage esque actor but damn lol these kids ruthless funny tho

[@papayer]

@@cavemanlovesmoke4394 You've listed out reasons for why he absolutely deserves it lol.

[@victorm3237]

13:16 Segal is speaking French since GSP is from Quebec. Segal said « c’est bon. Viens » which the translation was correct « it’s ok. Come on. »

[@niklash6564]

A recurring theme of these movies seems to be Steven Seagal fighting and winning against people that would eat him in real life (Mike Tyson, George St. Pierre)

[@fattiger6957]

Seagul ran away when challenged to a real fight by Van Damme. The guy is a joke. The only person he's actually beaten is his ex-wife (not a joke, Seagul is a scumbag wife beater.)

[@niklash6564]

@@fattiger6957 looking at him that isn‘t really hard to believe😅

[@fatmooselips3110]

@@fattiger6957 he’s a coward he beats on people that’s smaller than him and when challenged by an actual man he runs

[@MrZackavelli]

eesh, a tad overmalicious on that one

[@Scatmanseth]

@@MrZackavelli if you knew Seagal's personal life you'd know it's hard to be overly malicious to that man.

[@grunkleg.2934]

Seagal is one of the most interesting people alive, but not at all in the way he thinks he is

[@t.fairuz29]

"I wasn't born in a turnip truck" is going on my Tinder bio. And probably also on my tombstone.

[@Goodbutevilgenius]

"I didn't die in a fucking turnip truck, man".

[@stealthysloth4348]

2 reviews in a week? We are truly blessed