Reading my teenage diaries - as an autistic adult

Reading my teenage diaries was quite the illuminating exercise. I thought it would be a fun idea for a video to look back at a randomly selected diary from my teenage years (when I was living with undiagnosed autism, among other things) and see if I could detect any signs of autism that were missed back then.
Oh boy, there were plenty! I kept diaries from about the age of 11, and believe me, the video would have been a LOT longer had I included everything! Growing up with undiagnosed autism clearly took its toll on my mental health at the time, and although I am much happier today, my wish is that no one else ever has to go through what I did.
Trigger warning: frank discussion of teenage mental health, suicidal thoughts, disordered eating, and more.
Making this video was actually quite hard - to film and to edit, but I found it rather therapeutic in the end, to release all the pain that 16 year old Sam had bottled up inside.
What I didn't expect was that it often felt like I was reading the diary of a completely different person (which was a relief I suppose!) and instead of cringing at myself, I just felt compassion for the person I used to be.
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Credits where credit's due:
Greta Sting Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
creativecommons.org/licenses/b...
This video idea was partly inspired by Mortified: getmortified.com/

[@YoSamdySam]

Please let me know I'm not alone and share something cringey that you did as a teen...

[@laughatdarkness1286]

I’m 21 and every day my mood changes from “everything is terrble Im the worst” to “yo Im amazing everyone else just sucks”

[@terig8974]

This isn't the first time I heard an autistic person bring up the fact that they quickly become obsessed with a person to whom they feel a connection.

[@rorscach1]

I threw away all my old journal writings. They made me feel sad. I didn't want to look back at my depressive years, I wanted all those feelings behind me.

[@jacintagundrum2159]

I’m seriously mind blown by how relatable this was.

[@catz537]

The part you said about being a "new soul" intrigues me, because I have always thought of myself as an old soul. And I am also autistic. My grandma always called me an old soul, from the moment I was born, as if I had this internal wisdom, sixth sense, intuition, or past life...whatever you want to call it, she saw a wisdom in me that most people don't have from a young age. And I still have that wisdom today, and it's a huge confidence booster. I wonder now if it is somehow related to autism, like we may know things other people don't, because of the way our brains work. Like you've said in your previous videos, a "superpower." It's a nice thought, and I truly believe there is some truth to it.

[@electrapoptart]

I relate to a lot of this, particularly the obsessing over people part. I've been learning a lot about attachment theory in the last year and this feeling of being infatuated with a person to the point of feeling destabilized is called limerance. It develops from having deeply unmet needs and/or seeing traits in a person that you feel you are lacking. I struggled with this through high school and college and I agree it absolutely sucks. I am sure I could have had a much easier time with school and work if I didn't have this, but I saw no way to deal with it effectively. Now that I understand it better I can have more compassion for myself and take better care of my needs

[@Bonefield]

I'm not sure if this is alexithymia or autism or the combination of both but the way you describe the discovery of feelings, wondering if it was love or not, trying to figure out why this person would trigger this rather than someone else, thinking of ways to be worthy, leading to dark places and everything else you describe, is the very first time I hear someone describing exactly how it is. At least I know it's not just me so thank you very much for sharing about it. You are probably already aware but just in case, obsessing over people is a trait of PDA profile of autism.

[@Alex-gz2no]

As a teen I was unable to articulate the feelings or thoughts going on inside me, so I wasn't a diary kind of person. But looking back now, when hearing what you wrote in your diaries, I've got to say that those words could have been mine, too...

[@fleurboisvert8816]

Ahh yes executive functioning issues if you anything like me on top of it you added the pressure of "if I fail it's the end of the world and I should just self-destruct" on top. Extremes thinking sometimes great sometimes a nightmare.

[@Cyanmoon1]

I have had obsessions with various people throughout my life, from the time I was in primary school. Always with people I only know marginally, like friends' parents (as a child) or, more recently, colleagues/coworkers. This is not at all an attraction thing, but a kind of inexplicable fascination to know more about their life. I have not figured out how to predict who will spark this in me and who will not, although I think it happens more with people who are kind or go out of their way for me somehow. If I go on to become closer/friendly with the person, the obsession fades. This tendency has always struck me as really strange, and I do wish I didn't have it... maybe because I feel the object of my (undisclosed!) interest would feel uncomfortable if they knew, or because I am always low-key worried I'm telegraphing weirdness when I'm around them. Haven't learned how to keep it from happening, though :-/

[@phoebelianna7226]

This was mildly painful for me to watch, because I relate to everything you said! From about 15-18 I had two instances of becoming obsessive over a person. I was so wildly confused because I thought it was love but really it wasn’t. I NEEDED to constantly be in the presence of these people, and if I weren’t I was obsessively thinking of them. I’d be thrown into depressive states if they canceled plans with me, or chose to spend time with someone else. It kind of destroyed me. I thought it was okay though because I ‘loved’ them. I’ve finally made peace with the whole situation at 25, but I’m so scared it will happen again.

[@charlimorris1545]

I relate to the part with the repeating the phrase. Before I go to sleep and I go into stressful situations I learn all the lyrics to a song and play it over and over again in my head.

[@anaa7303]

OMG Only 5 minutes in the video and it feels like my own diary (except that I was so much harder on myself) and I AM SURE I QUOTED THE SAME THING AT SOME POINT! I was obsessed with Buffy ahaha best show. I haven't been diagnosed so I'm still lost but thanks for your videos, it's giving me some insight for me. (Also afraid to ask for an assessment and then be told I'm not and be even more confused because I obviously have something but don't know what and have been through many possible diagnosis)

[@fleurboisvert8816]

Ah yes that thing about looking like you don't want to be there, facial flat affect and all. Also get "you look grumpy" type stuff.

[@thevirtualjim]

"detect any signs if i was autistic in them" - reminds me of when i was 8 and I had an analysis by the school psychologist (1980). I have a copy of it now and it has suggestions that were never followed. But if you read it now, its like 'oh yea this kid is totally on the spectrum!'

[@hightalk]

I strongly relate to this video and your reaction to your past self is actually really cathartic for me.

[@hoursandhours8204]

I’ve just recently come to understand that I am autistic (I’m 28) and it’s very difficult for me to accept. I am very grateful for you sharing this insight into your past because I felt this way very often during that time in my life as well. It feels healing to know that this isn’t how everyone thinks but it is how other autistic women tend to feel. Particularly the suicidal part. I thought I was just depressed but there’s something so fundamentally crushing about always feeling like you’re missing something without an answer. Thank you for this playlist. I’m going to watch them all. So much about you sharing is helping me. Thank you thank you

[@orth82]

The way your teen self wrote was exactly the way mine did too. It was so touching when you teared up and empathized with your younger self.

[@annjay2581]

This was hilarious and extremely relatable at the same time! 😂