Real Time with Bill Maher: New Rules - November 20, 2015 (HBO)

[@packr72]

Message to all Syrian refugees: Enter at your own risk, the politicians don't give a shit about the people already living here.

[@Miranox2]

+packr72 Also, you're likely to get shot. Got colored skin? Make that very likely.

[@Dr_Callidus_Corvus]

+packr72 we are warned.

[@3214lifelol]

+packr72 Or just don't go to the South!

[@ClosedOpenness]

+Miranox Especially if you live in the hood, that is how the majority of colored get shot after all...

[@susan8282]

ufck yessss...dead on.

[@shadowlesswarrior]

When I first saw that painting of Carson and "Jesus " I thought it was Billy Ocean and Berry White album cover , or some crazy shit from the 70s

[@MattSingh1]

+shadowlesswarrior I immediately thought Billy Ocean.

[@jonathanblaze1648]

+shadowlesswarrior "Barry" White.

[@shadowlesswarrior]

+Jack Stubbington That's indeed a pretty shitty creepy painting !!

[@trysometruth]

+shadowlesswarrior The good news is Carson is basically just entertainment (creepy entertainment). None of those Republican yahoos have a chance of getting the majority of popular or electoral votes in a national election. It's just popcorn stuff (rancid popcorn).

[@AnEntropyFan]

+shadowlesswarrior And did anyone notice the hilarious irony of a descendant of a slave having a retro-re-forged "white"; Jesus? Besides, if there were a creator god, it'd be the culprit when it comes to the need for most surgeries to begin with - medicine seems to be perpetually fixing "divine"; mistakes.

[@SelfReflective]

I loved this line: "It's like believing in the Wizard of Oz AFTER Toto pulls back the curtain!"

[@rockyknotts3958]

Bill you are our soldier.. We love you dude.!!

[@RIXRADvidz]

Join In, Make the Stand in Your Community. don't put up with the bullshit. VOTE

[@anthonysthomsen]

I find this guy hilarious. It’s jokes, sarcasm, mixed truth with the opposite. I’m an Adventist. Free speech say what you like, believe what you want. Do research for yourself. Keep up the good work Bill.

[@justinaacuriouswanderer1496]

omg I wholly agree. I am a liberal Christian. Bill rocks!

[@bobbyknight3589]

​@@justinaacuriouswanderer1496 So your a commie Christen

[@theevilascotcompany9255]

2:50 That's not Ben Carson with Jesus, that's Ben Carson with Yanni.

[@AgentClank]

Tigger Warning ahah The real hero is the guy who comes up with these puns

[@MikeBenko]

I never understood religious people who have religious stuff in their bathrooms. Are you praying while taking a dump? Reading the 10 Commandments while doing manscaping? Or making eye contact with Jesus while rubbing one out? It's all very strange.

[@Aeroldoth3]

+Mihalis Benko I always think of religion when smelling shit.

[@416mcp]

+Mihalis Benko I Have a cross in my bathroom. I matched the decor and I had a nail there to put it on.

[@Aeroldoth3]

416mcp *and I had a nail there to put it on.* Was that meant to be ironic?

[@416mcp]

Aeroldoth3 wow i didnt even notice that.I got it as a gift. Its actually a pretty cross

[@josephmainez9319]

praying before manscaping means no nicks on your balls, everyone knows that.

[@tmillz331]

haven't really been all that into politics but bill actually makes it entertaining. also I feel the exact same way about religion that he does

[@joeortiz7734]

and a Merry War on Xmas back to you you Bill.

[@packr72]

Happy Holidays.

[@TalladegaTom]

+packr72 Solstice Salutations is what I will use this season. :)

[@Aeroldoth3]

Baby sandwiches for everybody!

[@carlfernandes4849]

That painting of Carson with Jesus can only be compel Trump to have his own, with Gordon Gecko.

[@theevilascotcompany9255]

I want someone to paint a picture of me with Dan Fogelberg.

[@9095jp]

okay but this monologue was everything tbh.

[@scottsteele427]

When he said a "street fight with Satan" he sounded like the church lady

[@MarionetteSaviour]

The fact that the first segment includes a gag on a Dire Straits song ("Sultans of Swing") amuses me probably more than anything else.

[@lucstockdale]

If you have to use your religion as an excuse to be good willed, you aren't good willed. You should help people out of the kindness of you're heart, not because God said to, and would reward you with Heaven. You shouldn't rape because God said. You shouldn't rape because you shouldn't rape. Stop being a child. Parents reward their children for good behavior. Quit expecting an award and just be satisfied that you helped someone in the world and made their life a little better by doing it. Isn't that enough?

[@fadein99]

Exactly

[@tommymarx391]

+Jean-Luc Maske-Stockdale You just hit on one of my biggest pet peeves. If someone needs a god or goddess to tell them how to act, I'm staying the hell away from them. I don't need any mythical deities to tell me killing is bad and helping others is good.

[@WadeWilson-]

+Jean-Luc Maske-Stockdale I'm agnostic, I do believe in some religious stuff, but I never do the right thing just because I think there will be a beam of light to take me to "heaven" someday. That's why I agree with you. What I don't like about a lot of religious people is that they say "I'm a christian" but then go like "I would love to shoot this mother f*cker in the face... BUT I won't do it cuz Jesus will send me to hell" or "Oh crap, it's sunday, I got to go to the church". So bottom line... you're totally right. People don't need be to good just because they have to. They should be good because they want to and because its the right thing to do.

[@sharonconway4303]

+Jean-Luc Maske-Stockdale I am not religious. The people I have met who claim they are religious are extremely hateful. The three Catholic friends STILL blame the Jews for killing Jesus. How insane is that? One owns a business and would not hire a Jew for that reason. Two priests in my city raped boys under the age of 11 for years. When it was finally revealed one was moved to the Vatican (years ago) and the other went to another diocese. The Nazis were religious. There has been more harm done in the name of religion than in secularism.

[@jarrodw6438]

+Jean-Luc Maske-Stockdale Agreed. Anybody who has to be threatened will hell before they don't kill somebody isn't actually a good person. What they are is a single crisis of faith away from becoming the next Ed Gein or Jeffrey Dahmer.

[@pattonsullivan4586]

As a Christian, I agree. I don't understand why some are so obsessed with the End Times. And I hope it doesn't happen for decades to come. World's a beautiful place, doesn't need to end.

[@SFO14]

Can we file a class-action lawsuit against the Bible?

[@panther196321]

While you're at, try Jehova as a war criminal?

[@MyMaideMusic]

Purely awesome!

[@tracim3080]

God said he wouldn’t flood the planet again, he said nothing about preventing us from causing one or helping us when it happens. It’s on humanity to solve our own problems.

[@Thaddeus61]

WHOA WHOA WHOA, WINNIE THE POOH IS A GIRL?!?!?!

[@jdgrahamo]

+Thaddeus61 'Winnipeg was the famous black bear who inspired A.A. Milne's beloved children's book character Winnie-the-Pooh.And now her skull is on display at London's Hunterian Museum.' (It was a female bear) uk.ign.com/articles/2015/11/20/winnie-the-poohs-skull-goes-on-display-in-london-museum

[@Thaddeus61]

+Gammel Prutte Ohhhhhhh, thanks.

[@phileas007]

+Thaddeus61 Do not be troubled. As always, things are different in Russia. The Russian Winnie Pooh (without "the") is still a boy.

[@barkasz6066]

+phileas007 Yeah but that's not Winnie the Pooh, it's a Russian knock-off.

[@Thaddeus61]

Gammel Prutte That isn't creepy at all.

[@JnEricsonx]

When you have blatant personal views that are DIAMETRICALLY opposed to the job you have, as in the case of those Senate group LEADERS, shouldn't that disqualify you from the frigging job?

[@RIXRADvidz]

that's the thing, if you ask them if their religious beliefs form their decisions the answer should be 'no'. to maintain the division between church and state in the constitution they are sworn to uphold, so being the good Christians they are will LIE about their decision making when it's all quite obvious their Bible tells them so.

[@JnEricsonx]

@@RIXRADvidz Almost 6 years after posting this-I'm even more depressed about the whole thing.

[@plaguepug2091]

@@JnEricsonx 1 year after you posted the reply. It is truly the end times now.

[@JnEricsonx]

@@plaguepug2091 Well shit.

[@xsuaava2700]

1:02 died at "Cmon Indonesia" 💀💀💀

[@WilliamHBaird-eq2hp]

Brilliant Bill!

[@BoogieBrownMedia]

The exact point Bill made is why I left religion. Awesome.

[@jordanwendt3359]

That was a mistake

[@Studeb]

+Jordan Wendt He said, giving no reason, cause the only one he could think of (I would look silly if I admitted my fault after all these years of preaching stupid shit) didn't hold up to his ego.

[@freethinker5594]

+Jordan Wendt Why?

[@jordanwendt3359]

+Free Thinker the bible is true, it's a mistake not to believe.

[@MultiUnreal]

+Jordan Wendt The King James version of the New Testament was completed in 1611 by 8 members of the Church of England. There were (and still are) no original texts to translate. The oldest manuscripts we have were written down hundreds of years after the last apostle died. There are over 8,000 of these old manuscripts, with no two alike. The King James translators used none of these anyway. Instead, they edited previous translations to create a version their king and parliament would approve. So, 21st Century Christians believe the "Word of God" is a book edited in the 17th century from 16th century translations of 8,000 contradictory copies of 4th century scrolls that claim to be copies of lost letters written in the 1st century. That's not faith. That's insanity.

[@zangetsu9196]

Alright, if they think prayer is better than actual healthcare, how about next time they get sick and/or injured, they pray instead of going to the hospital? If they think it will work for us, then it will surely work for them too right?

[@glandrecht]

They usually let there children go that route

[@CaddilacJoe1]

Bill Maher for 2020

[@Fawkerout]

Awesome Bill Maher....this is the kind shit I count on from your show.

[@Saanichian]

Ah, such innocent days.

[@westwass]

Damn, wish he wasn't going on hiatus - we really need him right now!

[@zzzzImTired]

+westwass how long is he gone for. Hopefully for good. If he said one more thing about islam they would have strung him up.

[@rrbaggett7]

@@zzzzImTired So much for predictions

[@shebofodo]

I love Bill.

[@michaelrg3836]

I'm so glad I'm living in a time when Christianity is seen as the problem.

[@corrado]

Bill is the best!

[@phatos_says]

"Why fix the streetlights if there's just going to be a big fight with Satan?"

[@strawberryfields9762]

Satan already duked it out with Manbearpig😂

[@lukassnakeman]

I agree with the question of why wear pants. Who knows if society might be better off if we moved to a robe based fashion. They're just comfy

[@zissou6928]

I feel dumb arguing either side of religion

[@aubrilayton4149]

Thank you Bill, for reminding me I am not alone in the fear I have had since childhood. Even then, looking up at the churches surrounding me (I live in Salt Lake City), I wondered, "What will happen to our world, when the people running everything think it was thrown together in 7 days? When they beleive that mother nature is just a side bitch and we can always get a new one?" I was infuriated by this, and still am. By the time I was 12 I was a steaming short-stack of cynicism and contempt. I've become more complacent with age, but my concern for the environment may be the one priority (aside from my family) that has remained constant all these years. Yes you can be a prick at times, but I want to personally thank you for raising awareness for important issues like this, and doing it in a way that's interesting enough for even the most incapacitated viewer to absorb and remember the next day. Your forever loyal friend, Aubri

[@aubrilayton4149]

Not even close. We have people from all walks of life. If you're thinking of Mormons, they currently make up less than 40% of the Capitol city's population (and dropping). (=

[@MrAyangan]

Yep giving them launch codes to someone who is disappointed in the world still existing is a good idea I guess..

[@chaseberwick7801]

Ah yes, the old prostate exam trope. 1: Doesn't make you gay 2: Doesn't even hurt 3: DOESN'T MAKE YOU GAY

[@Willskull]

Amazing as always!

[@ahlamalbertmassoud]

love your analysis and critic of politicians , you are Amazingly funny and smart , Love listening to you !!

[@vp6750]

I became a full-blown atheist watching Bill's show. This snippet just makes me laugh over and over and remind me why I abandoned religion.

[@petergreen2552]

Ben Carson seriously needs to see a doctor. 🤤

[@oldishandwoke-ish1181]

All those rich so-called Christians have a ready-made excuse for not spending money on anything that might help poor people don't they? No point (same reason given for not sterilising needles in Mother Teresa's " hospital"). The bottom line always is: Heaven forfend that they should have to pay their taxes.

[@thegreatmonster]

Nice and sharp show before the new year. See ya next year people of +Real Time.

[@coolidgedollar2154]

I honestly don't think apocalyptic beliefs are the reason that so little gets done -- that's giving politicians too much credit -- but I'd be interested to find out more.

[@billy9497able]

I was brought up Christian. And I mean basically fundamentalist. But even when I believed, I always thought it was strange that I was taught to love everyone, yet long for the Lord to come back. Causing more pain and death and suffering than you could imagine.

[@stevie68a]

Ben Carson believes god guides his hands during surgery. But he never explains why god creates, for instance, conjoined twins at the head, in the first place. His god is either evil, a practical joker, or doesn't exist.

[@Pravdacz-tp8zu]

I'm inclined to the latter.

[@RIXRADvidz]

a little from column A, a little more from column B and the entirety of column C

[@hobnob666]

Also some of the twins died from his surgeries. I guess God was absent that day. 😂😂😂

[@davidjones3165]

It's always hilarious when people who don't believe try to explain how God works. Keep it up you're very entertaining.

[@stevie68a]

@@davidjones3165 you've been fooled.

[@sea_triscuit7980]

Ahhh back when things were less frustrating

[@Rydonittelo]

Alot of the Christian beliefs your talking about are pretty unique to America. The book of revelation isn't seen by most European Christians as either literal or soon and the Rapture thing is totally American

[@aarononeal9830]

I love you to bill

[@mickeyamf]

I was following everything bill said until 6:53 ... I can list several reasons.. good reasons why we all shouldn’t be wearing pants. Unless we’re sharing them bill (:

[@christinastow1079]

We love you, Bill - will you be our next President?

[@juliothompson3621]

He's so funny!

[@Brian-nt1hh]

The laughs are real and the host priceless. Thx Bill

[@progKansas]

The world isn't going end it will just become unhabitable.

[@Nebuchadnezzar31]

*uninhabitable

[@daveweldon5481]

The earth is gonna be here...people may not be, but earth will be

[@aegilmoth]

I have to wonder if Ben Asslick is screaming "racist" about this Christainophobia.

[@chamberofrelics]

This is reality, not some phobia.

[@Nebuchadnezzar31]

Minor correction to what Bill says here. 7 Day adventists have tried very hard (With not too much success) to distant themselves from their millenarianist roots. They gave up predicting the end times way back, so that's not what they stand for now. But I still agree with his point.

[@bessieking3797]

The song say" it won't be water but fire next time.

[@asunnykay9833]

#feelthebern

[@yewwood7547]

+ASunnyKay Herpies.

[@RIXRADvidz]

thank you for giving us President Trump, because of Bernie Babies and non-voters we have President Donald Trump. you did a very big thing by giving us President Tronald Dump. phuqque youe

[@thegreatcheesedemon]

Being a Baha'i, I knew about the Millerites, but was not aware that they were related to the Seventh Day Adventists. Some wikipedia-sourced knowledge on what happened when the world didn't end: 1. The Great Disappointment is a general term for Jesus not coming, not a term specifically used by Seventh Day Adventists. 2. The group isn't based around Miller (the guy who said the world would end/Jesus would come). They agree with him that the Bible verses he looked at were referring to that day, but it was basically them saying "Well that religion didn't work out. What should we do now?"

[@pace1869]

Love thie guy Bill

[@donware]

i love this show and will miss him can't wait tell the new season starts

[@geoffdearth7360]

This reminds me of Stephanie Miller's "Screaming Baby Airlines".

[@claudiaquat]

New rule: you can't talk about a prostate massage toy then segue to talking about the end times.

[@Sloozen1]

BRAVO. !!!!

[@Cspacecat]

1:59 As a liberal, you shouldn't knock it until you've tried it.

[@verilyheld]

Yes, the original Winnie the Bear was female. More than that, Winnie is short for Winnipeg. However, Winnie the Pooh is/remains male. Lastly, really, how is this news? Of course the original Winnie was female, it's amazing people are treating this like a revelation.

[@badjokemaker3051]

Maybe some unseen hero is fighting for us and stopping one world ending after another. Just....thank you whoever you are.

[@ralphplummer1239]

The Rothschilds.

[@antonhiett2843]

Happy hanukkah to all of our agents 😂😂😂😂😂

[@salamander5318]

Bill Maher's right about the Saudis. They buy the most expensive HOs and the most expensive Boos in Beverly Hills.

[@CraftKitty007]

woah woah woah woah woah. pooh is a girl? waaaat? I shan't be declaring my whole childhood a lie unless A A Miline signed off on this xD

[@CynAnne1]

+CraftKitty - It's a technicality, really... "That's right, the real Winnie the Pooh is actually a girl. (Side note: Yes, we know the cartoon Pooh bear was referred to as male, but there's a difference between the character and the original bear.)" www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/winnie-the-pooh-girl-finding-winnie_5640c72ee4b0411d3071b273

[@CraftKitty007]

+CynAnne1 interesting. Ive always known his as being Edward "Pooh" Bear. learn something new every day :D

[@jdgrahamo]

+CraftKitty Winnie the Pooh has the same middle name as Attila the Hun.

[@jonathanbell5328]

+Gammel Prutte And Ivan the Terrible too!!

[@bestatnba2k]

He's a boy , it's in his name "winne"

[@Frank-cj3nh]

#NoTimeForEvangelicals

[@pooshoveler]

Ben Carson is a nut.

[@pooshoveler]

+Lisa Swayne Jesus said screw the poor? lol

[@msazal90]

that Jesus looks like Dacula. !!!!1

[@jarrodw6438]

+Mahfuz Sazal Count Blackula?

[@davidbroughall3782]

I'd take Ben Carson as president right now.

[@kerrynicholls6683]

Omg 😮 the moment I realised that, being a Christian ✝️ in America, most likely means your 😜 crazy. Thank god I live in Australia 🇦🇺.

[@daveweldon5481]

They all are

[@moemunny4903]

If you think the world is coming to and end soon, and you think that's a good thing, NO potus aspirations for you!

[@pdoylemi]

+Moe Munny It worked for GW Bush... not so much for the rest of the world though...

[@moemunny4903]

Sorry, wrong reply...

[@twaodood5106]

I DID NOT KNOW...JESUS WORE A BATHROBE!!!

[@davidbasset7557]

That’s fucked up they keep switching the camera to the gay guy during the prostate massage bit 😂

[@holdindown8935]

Have a very merry unbirthday Bill.

[@hitcan79]

well you can tell by the way I use my walk that I take it dry! lol

[@Uahmedtahaalnady]

Bill Maher is a fascinating intelligent awesome person ... he criticize everything simply & politely ... he use the scientific thinking rules when he criticize ... unlike people they that rather than use their minds like philosophers to analyses the universe around them they format their mind & put god , religion , miracle , etc ... in ever problem they face

[@richardrodriguez9151]

That painting looks like Carson and Jesus are a gay couple.

[@jacobzaranyika9334]

Nice one 👍

[@elsahelgason]

All those is for you only.

[@Aeroldoth3]

Isn't Kim Davis 7th day adventist too?

[@margueritehudsell4454]

My doctor told me I needed calcium supplements and estrogen.

[@plgfritz]

That's Jesus? I thought it was Worf.

[@thedrake1954]

There’s a great book out called “Bible Stories Mother Never Told Me” by CL Putnam that will blow your mind! It re-tells several Bible stories, but from the point of view of God’s “enemies” and his “victims”. There are also chapters that reveal some amazing facts about homosexuality, killing your children, and the REAL “Ten Commandments”. If you really want to know the WHOLE truth about the Bible, THIS is the book to read!!!

[@pdoylemi]

+drake i Good old Exodus 34! The REAL Ten Commandments that NOBODY knows! The set that says nothing about murder, stealing, or bearing false witness, (the only sensible ones from the Decalogue that people _think_ are the "TEN") but instead is a list of required rites and rituals, including sacrificing your firstborn children (though it does give a loophole there - you can kill a lamb in his place). The set with such great wisdom as "never appear before the Lord empty handed" - sure, that's just common politeness right? You don't pop into a guy's temple without bring a knosh, or a nice bottle of wine! And that really important command to "never boil a baby goat in its mother's milk".

[@smeyer9507]

What about REAL science, Bill...the ice caps are melting and FL is supposed to be under water in 10 years...I'm moving.

[@computerstar9883]

As a Muslim even that logic is way off

[@bluchocolate123]

At least it's a black Jesus on that painting.

[@chipmunktubetop5097]

Prostate massage is the best.

[@hitcan79]

like the black beegees

[@elsahelgason]

Okay, I do hope my next trip to US, I won’t wanted to let you know!

[@austinkelly5804]

It looks like. Fantastic Video. flagrant grin 11

[@Fahrenheit4051]

Apparently, Jesus is a Klingon.

[@jasonvanveen-d3f]

WHO IS THAT AT THE 57 SECOND MARK ........