Reflecting on the Healing Journey back to SELF

I’ve just been having a lot of feelings lately and wanted to share them.

[@ElaineKrieg-ip5qi]

No girl. You do you wherever you are right now. That's your authentic self. Live what you missed for awhile and embrace it. When you're ready, let it go. You're in mourning a bit for the time that you weren't present. But just like you say, there is healing going on all the time, you have been present in spirit in some way, a way you might not realize until you gain perspective after your visit with family. It's a special situation that might be too much to reconcile at one time. Just be you, like always. You haven't lost anything. ❤

[@beautifullybroken1591]

I was medicated at 17. I'm 32 now and feel like I am still a 17 year old. Now going through horrendous withdrawal. I'll get to your stage one day but when I get there I've told myself I will let myself do whatever the hell makes me happy. So if you want to dye your hair you dye your hair. If you want to dance then dance the night away. You earned it.

[@user-vf8ti4dq3d]

Hey i was also medicated at 17 and am still suffering at 32, we have similar stories

[@mitch5222]

​@@user-vf8ti4dq3d it is so scary when we dont know who we are.

[@mitch5222]

​@@user-vf8ti4dq3dwhy was u medicated for?

[@lonnievisch6009]

Makes a lot of sense. It’s like being born again and finding you’re identity. You will get there. Explore… you will find you’re peace in this new emotions❤❤

[@ennuied]

I noticed that in me as well. There is unconscious relation to other people wherever you go, there is pressure, but I have to be honest with myself, I will never be my past normal ever again, and that is normal, change is normal, and change is not something definite, it is intense.

[@elainewalters460]

You missed a big chunk of time where your focus was on surviving and nothing more, both on meds and recovering. While not feeling grounded is a scary place to be, and lord knows we have spent way too much time feeling unsafe, it makes sense this is where you are today. It’s just the next phase of you ☺️ That said, I think a lot of us come to this place at this age (is this where I should be? Have I “arrived” as planned? I’m still not sure what I want to be when I grow up…but here I am, GROWN) whether we were actively or passively living life. So, try everything, color your hair and definitely do all the dance parties! You have a lot of life to live, so do that. Things will fall into place as they are meant to if you let your passions guide you ☺️

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Thank you 💜

[@maryogle6865]

It’s ok Ang, you can do whatever you want now. You know this. You can dress however u want, you can do your hair however you want, you can be whoever you want! You’re only 44! You have another 50 in you! So happy for you that you were able to take your first vacation ever! That is so huge! I am only 2 years off benzos in February and I’m winding down (hopefully)from a brutal recovery, and a cleaning job that I’ve had for seven years that has taken such a toll on my body and I’m hoping to retire in the next 3 to 6 months and then I will get quiet, rest and heal my body soul and mind. And then I will figure out what the next chapter in my life is and I’m so excited to do that. One thing we can count on in life is that it is ever changing and change is good just keep growing Angie and continue to be the amazing woman you are you’re helping so many people. And as always, I can totally relate to everything that you say love you girl! Xoxo

[@katrinamenzies9398]

I relate 💯

[@lauragandee9864]

I totally got it. I feel like I just woke up from a 20 year nightmare of trauma and medication injury. But now I am 60 and feel like my whole life has been wasted. My goal is just to get out of my mom's house and back to living on my own and even that seems insurmountable. Thank you for giving voice and comfort! I believe you got this and are going to soar. ❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@bethgra2007]

Maybe your brain stayed stuck in your 20's and you're now back online but from that point in time. You're never to old to celebrate life the ways that make you happy, especially after the hell you've survived! Grateful for the hope you provide me that only one who has been through it will understand ❤

[@pamela9270]

I sadly can relate to this so much. It's dealing with a loss. A loss of my life. I'm 14 months off Klonopin use of 20+ years. Before that I was on Lorazepam for a panic disorder following a car accident. I'm 60 and feel like I woke up from a coma. I'm lost right now. I first had to survive the taper and withdrawal. I had bad tolerance withdrawal for years and no one knew what was wrong with me. Lots of other meds to counteract what the benzo did to me. Its been a horrific ride so far. Now I'm left with what happened to my life. It was taken away from me, I'm on disability. I do not feel or act my age. I can't even believe that I'm 60 except when I look in the mirror. Yes, I totally understand how you're feeling. I'm looking for a trauma therapist now. I really hope it helps. Where do I go from here and how do I get there. Praying that you and everyone else find that peace and healing you all so deserve. I do wish everyone a Happy Holiday and that you find some calm in the storm. ❤️🎄❤️

[@ellenkeeler9616]

I get the feeling like coming back to life, wondering who you are, where do u fit, the sense of amnesia and the grief.

[@megcroi]

Thank you for all that you do, Angie

[@paulafisher7124]

Yes, I can relate to this for sure! During w/d I had my identity stripped. I remember about a year ago I wanted a more minimalistic life so I did some purging of my belongings. I was just so confused when I looked at all of the stuff I was getting rid of. I didn’t know who that person was. I think part of that was getting divorced in my second year of w/d. I lost a lot of my identity then. I was no longer a wife, business owner, homeowner etc I am now wondering what it is I want to do with my life after I am healed enough. Its like I don’t really remember the last 10 years that well and I am actually excited about the person I am becoming. I just feel lost sometimes about what is “age appropriate”. I also feel sad for the years of myself that I can’t get back. Great video, Angie! Sometimes I think it’s just me that feels these things. Nice to have it normalized.

[@rickp.6251]

Tim Fletcher is a good addiction and complex trauma counselor. Holidays trigger emotions. The devil tortures people, coffee can be overdosed, I'm an expert at knowing nothing I've known it all my life. I was born knowing nothing and developed a deep understanding of it the past 63 1/2 years.

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Best comment I’ve ever gotten on KZbin ever. Thank you 💜

[@katrinamenzies9398]

Yes 🙌 best comment

[@christinedemello5810]

Wow i feel just like you i started benzos at 23 now im so old 47.i feel like i was in a coma all thise yrs flew by .i did nothing .i need to get off these n try to have a life i never was married no kids .i have been isolating myself for all those yrs i havent seen any fam in yrs .its just so bad .im not gonna have ant help once i start my tappering .....this is so do tough to go through .thank u for all your videos !!❤❤❤

[@ryebreadnocrust]

DYE YOUR HAIR QUEEN YOU GOT THIS!!!🖤👏🏼

[@user-bq7tc2xw6z]

I'm 63 and was put on benzos at 15... antidepressants at 18. I'm off those and other horrid meds for fibromyalgia and ADHD now for 5 yrs..just before Covid plandemic hit. Than God I did it before I died. I'm scared it may not get much better for me....it's a bizaare situation looking back and forward for me. I lost so much of what I could have been and done...but finally turned away completely from toxic family...only once off the meds..sad....its ALOT..the grief and rage at the system is paralyzing but i am still grateful. And cannabis saved me all along. Good for you Angie. We love you. You're going to surprise yourself. You're quite the star and rising. 💜💜💜 Shelli

[@rmguest]

Yes! Can relate to this. So many factors that catch up to you post w/d. It really feels like being in a time warp. I guess this is still another phase of the healing process with some rumination thrown in. But you've accomplished so much over time and I applaud you! I'm 70 years old, jumped 5 yrs ago and while things have gotten about 80% better, I still don't feel fully grounded yet with little access to my emotions. It's as though my relief valve is stuck.

[@mbd2901]

Soo happy to know and see you’re feeling your normal and healthy self again Angie! I’m almost seven years off from an Ativan that I took only for a total of 33 days on and off, cold turkeyed and still suffering from lingering withdrawal symptoms, mostly body aches and pains and some off balance issues when walking. Also, I haven’t attended any of my family’s get together like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Birthday celebrations for all these years which I felt so bad but there’s nothing I can do but to take care of myself and my healing. Merry Christmas and hope your new year brings you more peace, joy and good health. 😇🎄

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Happy New Year to you too. May this year bring you some more healing!

[@kerrijodierberger]

You’re are never to old to dress like you want, I’m 60 and I dress like I’m in my 20’s this is Julie, not Kerri, I used to dance like no other and hiked, fished, camped everywhere. I’m still in tolerance withdrawal, going down again Thursday. Good to hear you have emotions, I pray I will get mine back, from his DPDR. Take care.😊

[@kerrijodierberger]

I was writing to you like you remember who Kerri and Julie are, we just had a meet and greet I had think Thursday, can’t remember, but it was just a couple of days ago. So I’m Julie Walker the one tapering, and Kerri is my wife. Before all his happened to us we felt 20 years old too, that’s natural I hint so do as you please, don’t go with the crowd.m

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

I remember! How can I forget fellow burners!

[@rmguest]

In the same boat w/you as far as access to emotions go. I think I would gladly endure my some of my other symptoms if I could get my feelings back. Wishing you peace and healing!

[@kerrijodierberger]

@@rmguestI’m sorry you’re going through the same, I have dpdr 24 7 and it scares me, I look at my family and I can’t feel my emotions. I would gladly go through any other withdrawal, but that’s the worst.

[@rmguest]

Please hang in there! I know we'll get thru this. Pulling for you! ❤👍

[@oceanefred3041]

Hi Angie!! I'm definitely there, too and can relate a 100%! 42 years young 😁 dealing with the same questionning... Not knowing where I belong now, wondering who I am, not recognizing the girl I was was prior to withdrawal (I was polydrugged for 20years among which 4 years of taper and post withdrawal). I have hard time to accept I am in my early 40! I sometimes feel am still in my 20s or 30s when I went into a deep "coma" as you describe it perfectly! It's very disturbing at times... When I am around yourg people I feel the gap in age and mentality and when I am with people my "age", it just feels the same (mostly because I am single, have no kids, not a "normal" life for a midlifer).. I don't know what is that I want, where I am heading, almost like wanting nothing at all... Just moving on and seeing what life brings.. sending lots of love from France, to you Angie, my favorite Benzo warrior ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Merci! And let’s just keeping walking and see what happens!

[@matthewluke8056]

Angie you’ll find peace and acceptance in this particular aspect of the journey just like you have at every other step. I just wish that society recognised the sheer tonnage of your bravery and resilience. It feels particularly cruel when the privileges of a conventional life uninterrupted by medication injury or other types of chronic illness - raising children, a steady career, property ownership - are the things we celebrate and acclaim, and the battles fought by the injured go unnoticed. But we see you - your community sees you. And we thank god you are here with us. You are loved and needed by so many, and that is the true value of a life. The rest is for show.

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Thank you for seeing me and what it has taken for me to get where I am. Yes, I’m 18 years behind the rest of my peers on home ownership, retirement, savings, all of it because I was on disability all those years. The losses are immense for some of us.

[@matthewluke8056]

@@AngiePeacockMSW 18 years behind in some ways, light years ahead in many.

[@c.taylormorgan3668]

Love this comment ❤

[@Goree5157]

So glad for you! You deserve every moment of happiness!! we feel so isolated and alone in this brutal journey, as talking about our sufferings ( due to meds. as prescribed) is still a taboo, you are a real inspiration and hope for us. ❤

[@kmkeenan]

And I agree with what others have said, if you want to dye your hair, go for it. Wear the clothes you feel good in and do the things that bring you joy. Life is too short to live according to other people's rules. Besides, we (in the withdrawal community) tried that already and look where it got us.

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Amen!

[@user-lm7hl8zr8q]

God work Angie 💜

[@vikasgupta1828]

Thanks

[@anjasbackwelt1768]

❤ ❤️❤️

[@minty2455]

Angie ❤ Sometimes the answers are in our reflecting. Just go with your gut feelings as you move through. P.

[@semidor1]

Do you Angie! Research things that attract you and celebrate you! Every chance you get.

[@MsCarmel55]

Several years ago I had tapered off effexor, I looked up at my husband at Costco and realized how much he had aged, part of my brain had "woken up" such a scary feeling. Of course I had lived with him every day but part of my brain woke up and noticed that day! Thanks Angie for sharing your feelings we might experience once we are off and healing.

[@LevelheadedMind]

Thank you for being vulnerable and allowing us to see this side of your healing journey. I think it's very important to reflect on things and re-examine where you are and where you want to be. Despite losing that time to the medication and trauma, you can still grow from it and live your best life the way you see fit. Don't try to fit the "norms" you do what feels right for you. You deserve it! ❤

[@amycatwest]

It also sounds a bit like spiritual awakening to me🌃💕 The quest for radical authenticity is a spiritual one IMHO. I have had a different journey but still relate to these sharings on some levels, to me healing is like accessing a new level in a video game..."where TF am I now? what's the quest of THIS new reality?" And the internal has to catch up to the external - it takes quite a bit longer to FEEL as good as our new life truly is (to really FEEL the freedom we've created for ourselves, when we are simply alone - with ourselves - without distractions...e.g. on vacation). Literally experiencing this now myself as I just posted a video about this yesterday!!! So I think that means...you are right on time💫 (And, uhm, NEVER to old to dress how you want or express how you want!!! Aside from direct messages from the body, age is a social construct ;) )

[@kmkeenan]

Even though I'm not fully off, I find this so relatable. I also don't feel fully integrated in my family and it feels like part of me is still 15 or 16, the age when I was put on meds. I've wondered if I'll sort of go through a second adolescence when I'm off. TBD.

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

It kind of feels like that! I definitely live life like a teenager kind of hahah

[@idesigncutethings2196]

Hi. I want you to know that I hear you sharing how you feel at this stage. I am listening. I still feel a bit odd around friends & family because I feel like I know this big ugly secret, unfortunately by having to live through it myself, & that they are all clueless, but I still have healing left to do and I am not sure how that part of it will look even a year or two from now. Also, I know that I am 9 years older than you, & that YOU HAVE A LOT of fun life left to live. I got married at 44 years old and I had parts of my hair dyed blue for our wedding.. then later on purple. Now, we are 53 years old, & Travis & I got pictures taken with Santa last week. A few weeks ago I bought silly reindeer and snowman beanie snow hats for us, & he asked me "Are we wearing these to the Christmas craft show?" .. My reply was "Yes. You could be dead tomorrow. Wear the silly hat." I'll be damned if I'm going to wear "age appropriate" clothes. I was "young at heart" before this med injury, and I am definitely going to remain that way. The point is dye your hair, wear what you want .. "Middle age" are just words. Yeah, your body slows down some, but you can still be yourself & have fun in whatever way pleases your authentic soul. 😊❤

[@kmkeenan]

I'm 49 and sat on Santa's lap today 😀

[@katrinamenzies9398]

@@kmkeenanaww cute

[@user-cv5ow1yn2h]

Heya Angie…your vulnerability and openness has been such a gift to me…up here in Canada and starting my tapering in mid October…been on zoplicone 7.5mg and Valium 3mg for a couple years as I had some serious health trauma and could not sleep….anyway it’s a long story AND you have been with me now for about six months on my journey back home to the self I may not even recognize…as you know every day is a grind and your shared open quick talks inspire the shit out of me…keep being YOU …and know you’re a gift beyond measure…

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Im so glad I can help even a little. I believe in you!

[@user-cv5ow1yn2h]

Thank you for your belief in me….I have had a couple rough days hardly being able to cope with life…with Christmas coming and my family wanting me to be with them I’m struggling a lot…anyway…bless you for responding …it’s like I’m talking to a hero of mine…dam! And listening to you again I’m just blown away by your beauty so what ever you change or don’t …know that!💜💜💜

[@youngneo2956]

I just start taken Buspirone for anxiety its helps with the anxiety but leaves me tired and numb.

[@kierstenstevens]

I’ve been taking Zoloft since I was 15 and got off about 7 months ago (I’m 23 now) cold turkey due to a lapse in insurance. I never got back on it because I felt like it was time to experience life without the crutch of medication, although I never would’ve questioned getting of of it without it being forced upon me. Over the past month or two, I’ve experienced a lot of progress, but as you said, once I got through a lot of the basic healing/survival stage, a lot more questions and worries have popped up. I can’t differentiate the normal issue of anxiety and feeling lost in my 20s vs what is withdrawal and finding a baseline version of myself. It’s like I’m 15 again but with the added responsibilities of needing to “adult” crashing down on me all at once.

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

It’s a hard place to be but think about it like that you are exploring who you are and building your life. I know that’s scary but it’s also damn exciting. And you are doing so without chemical interference! I am proud of you. Let it unfold. Follow your impulses and instincts. That is your flashlight in the dark.

[@kierstenstevens]

@@AngiePeacockMSW Thank you so much Angie. This means so much coming from you. You were my light in the darkest of times. I hope for continued healing, growth, and self discovery for all of us going through this 💜

[@tracymassimo2114]

Wow! I hate that i can relate to this. I too sometimes describe this as coming out of a comma. Im 3 years out from a 3 month prescription. 😢

[@diefilmkitchenjohannessand2173]

I understand you in total. I came off benzos 12,5 months ago and i'm realizing now that i wasn't living for "real" while on benzos.... I m 43 years old now, but i feel so much younger... i ordered a parfum last week, which i used to use a lot in my early 20s... when i used it today it hit me emotionally massive... its quiet scary but in total i think this are good signs! What do you think about your healing?

[@GrandCynth]

Angie…..I wish you never heard those words “you’re middle aged!” Age is just a number, and not a rule book! YOU do what makes YOU feel happy…..despite our circumstances. I always say, “age is just a number, and mine’s unlisted” ❤

[@Radhey2223]

You are really an inspiration for me. Watching your videos and getting the strength to pull myself. Now when I am 3 months off xanax, and my physical pain are less, sometimes in the midnight, I feel like my mind is floating and spinning, my blurry vision makes it horrible and I feel like swiped away and have no gravity in my body, so detached from the ground. It's so scary. Please tell, is this common in benzo withdrawal?

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Yes I had all of those symptoms too they are gone now!

[@Radhey2223]

@@AngiePeacockMSW I feel light weighted, no pain, no feel, not grounded, just about to swiped away in vaccum ( it's really difficult to explain, so sorry for that). Why am I feeling this way? all numb, is my nervous system shut down? Will it revive and come to normal? I am so scared. Please help

[@angel_2022M]

I always watch your videos to get some hope that one day I will recover. But after using benzo for 18 months, I stopped it 4 months ago, but it's difficult to hope that with time I will heal, as I feel myself getting worse and worse day by day. In earlier 3 months, I could manage the symptoms and used to go out, and able to distract myself, but now it seems that I am more terrified, stuck in loops of weird thoughts, severe dpdr, heavy head with no clearity, no confidence in myself, out of my mind feelings. Loosing hopes to recover with time. Please help

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

I can’t provide support back and forth on KZbin so if you need one on one, please book a session through my website. But yes sometimes wd gets a little worse. I see it build up over the first few months and sort of peak. Then it will start to slow down and go in the more healing direction. This takes time and you are early in the process.

[@mitch5222]

But even if i recover one day. How to deal with this life if i have anxiety? It feels that i am not strong like other ppl.

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Anxiety can be healed. I worked on mine through using the Anxious Truth Podcast.

[@mitch5222]

@@AngiePeacockMSW angie. I have permanent damages in my legs. I have neuropathy for more than 10 years. I know i am not healing. I went through hell like u for more than 10 years. And even if i heal i think life is too scary. Always working on anxiety and depression everyday. Dying is scary, getting old is scary. It is too much for me. I don't know what to do.

[@ranim7618]

Hi Angie, I am now 4 months 10 days off xanax, but getting worse day by day, I am really scared, lost all my confidence and hope to heal with time, as I was much better in last 2-3 months. I want your support and coaching, so that I can pull myself in this frightening process and understand whether it's withdrawal. My speaking English is very poor, so I find it difficult to talk and understand in limited time. Please suggest, can I book a session and get your support in writing? Please help.

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

Please email me your needs at [e-mail] . I generally do not work in text as I always have a lot of questions for you to really get to know you and your history. Going back and forth in email is very time consuming and I can’t really get to know the person.

[@ranim7618]

@@AngiePeacockMSW thanks. I have booked a session with you, describing the details. I am really hopeful that with your support, I will get strength and recover.🙏

[@djammer]

Have you ever considered the carnivore diet?

[@AngiePeacockMSW]

No and to be honest, your comment feels insensitive in the context of this video. Did you even watch it?

[@djammer]

@@AngiePeacockMSW yes I watched it but either way I’m really sorry Angie. I wasn’t thinking about how it’d come across or how it’d make you feel. Was just thinking about it in the context of healing. Peace&Love&MerryChristmas

[@djammer]

(I’m in zoloft withdrawals)