Refusing To Let My Fiancee Have A Song Dedicated To HER Late Fiance At OUR Wedding r/Relationships

[@der23]

Reddit has jaded me lol all I can think is "will there be an update where ops wife wants to name their first son after her ex?"

[@CensorshipVictim]

Exactly 💯!

[@aikikaname6508]

It might not go that far, but guarantee in the future if OP and she gets into a big fight, ‘my late husband would never have done this! He was always X Y Z’ will get thrown out. Or she’ll run to his grave if things get rocky

[@lovinglifebutnotonearth3909]

There will be in a few years. And I'll laugh at him. He deserves it

[@mamakitty6549]

Legit thought the same thing. I was about to say "how would you feel if she said she wanted to name your first boy after the ex cause that's what is coming" lol she doesn't sound like she's ready to remarry

[@thomasjoseph5876]

You know it's going to happen. The OP is kind of a doormat and will cave to her when she wants to name one of the kids "Luke" either as a first name or middle name. You can't win against a ghost. They only remember the good things in that relationship and none of the bad so you are basically competing with a "Saint" for your entire marriage. This marriage will crash and burn within 10 years unless she is able to wash her dead ex from her brain.

[@RekiTheRyvian]

For story 2, it feels like redditors would be the absolute most insufferable people to ever be in a relationship with. Never memorialize a preferred-sex friend because you don't want them to feel jealous. Never be friends with anyone of the preferred sex beyond casual work acquaintances because it's emotional affair. Never do anything to make your partner happy unless it specifically benefits you. Like, oh my god these people are just the worst. And in this story, OP even talked about how she was totally fine with the male friend, it was just an issue because the friend in question was his preferred sex! In fact, I remember a few years ago when these kinds of things were the "crazy/overly attached girlfriend" meme, and were bad things!

[@simonO712]

I know right?

[@dionysus_adores]

Yeah it's a strange way of thinking, by that logic I wouldn't be allowed to talk to anyone. Op might needs to leave that relationship if the unfounded jealousy continues.

[@JuanRodriguez-tf7fh]

Death drugs & “ “ my kind of story

[@iris5678]

A lot of Redditors are teenagers with little mature relationship experience or are brainwashed by the masses that any relationship means you must never so much as look at the preferred sex ever again, or do anything nice to your partner or it's manipulation and love bombing

[@myconfusedmerriment]

@@dionysus_adores Bi/pan crew fist bump. 🤜 This shit annoys me so much lol.

[@artemisia457]

the wedding story... tbh, i'd genuinely have second thoughts if i were op. it really toes the line of him being a second choice to a ghost. there is time and place to remember your late fiance but a wedding to someone else isn't it.

[@lovinglifebutnotonearth3909]

He is a second choice.

[@pippo17173]

Ya I'm sorry but this is just so pushing it for how much the wife wants to remember her late husband. Like op really is being a good person knowing more and understanding but then this wedding situation came in and I'm like *OK this women did not handle the tragedy well.* At the very least it ended well this time. I think there are other stories like this that ended so horribly no matter who the gender is.

[@tikimillie]

I haven’t heard the story yet but if she doesn’t show any more warning signs, then it could be her way to sort of like, “my last moment with my old husband, now i go to live my new life with my new husband.” If you’re marrying someone who is a widow, then you will always be the secound choice. Cause the first choice was already made. That doesn’t mean you can’t be loved to the same extend. You’re not them afterall, you’re a different person, probably loved for other little things thats different from them.

[@kitkakitteh]

@@tikimillie it’s not a contest. There is no “first choice/second choice” unless you are dating them at the same time.

[@lovinglifebutnotonearth3909]

@@kitkakitteh except there is. It's obvious she just wanted a man to keep her company but not to love. She's stuck in the past

[@samoanjoseph1457]

At first I would have said if OP is still getting tattoos in her memory, then it's not really accurate to call her "just a friend", she's obviously a major friend. But upon the mention that he does this for other dead friends... he needs to be with someone who can accept that type of devotion to not just one fallen friend but multiple ones. And they may be hard to find.

[@YourXavier]

"Just a friend" isn't a statement about the depth of the friendship. It means "we weren't f***ing".

[@audioelitist3677]

@@YourXavier No, it means they want you to think they weren't f***ing. Truth is rare.

[@UltimateOtakuGirl100]

@@audioelitist3677 Bitter, much? Look-just because you haven’t experienced that kind of truthfulness/legitimacy in you own life, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Lots of people can say that and mean it. Hell-in plenty of circles, it’s commonplace. It’s certainly commonplace in my own circles! Don’t let your suspicion taint your worldview. Being cynical is a self-fulfilling prophecy-if you assume everyone around you is dishonest about that sort of thing, you’ll probably be dishonest yourself and/or treat everyone around you with some level of suspicion, which leads people to be suspicious and dishonest in turn. Speaking from experience with both, btw… Being genuine (and trusting that people close to you are also genuine) is just… a much nicer way to be.

[@audioelitist3677]

@@UltimateOtakuGirl100 That's not a terrible outlook. Yeah, I think you have to stay positive, but you have to stay realistic too. People lie. All of them.

[@stan8479]

@@audioelitist3677 People lie, but some people don't lie about things like this. It'd do you good to let yourself trust others. Men and women can be very close friends without being romantically involved.

[@ellorasg4525]

Story 1: It sounds like she has not moved on yet. A wedding is not the right place to mourn a dead person. Sweet sanity!

[@bluecat7478]

Actually that happens a lot.

[@laxusdreyar7838]

@@bluecat7478 No wonder divorce rates have skyrocketed.

[@weltonvillegal6258]

We had pictures of my grandma at our wedding.

[@KiltBill2]

​@@weltonvillegal6258 safe to assume your grandma wanted you to marry someone else. It's unlikely her fiance would have, had he lived. So this is just a "I'm mourning that I have to settle for OP", dance.

[@BNezzy]

2 minutes in and one can already see she has gaslit him by guilt trip to accept this total stranger of a lover of hers into his life and home forever. A picture of him on your home mantle? wtf? this woman shouldn't be marrying anyone because she is mentally broken still. The fiance to be needs to get the hell away or snap her out of it. so messed up.

[@jlyo1991]

Yeah that girl is NOT ready for another relationship, much less a marriage. I can’t wait for the next post about how she wants to name their kid after her late fiancé.

[@Twiggyanajones]

There is a VERY fine line for this sort of thing, and I've walked it. (My first Fiancé died tragically.) The first part of any situation like this is to be very open and honest with your partner. If it progresses to involve a wedding, EVERYONE needs to be on the same page if a subtle nod to a former partner is potentially planned. In my case, I told my Husband that I loved him and I wanted a life with him. I was upfront about the fact that occasionally I was going to feel sad. When we planned our wedding, my subtle nod to FF was a brooch he had bought me for my wedding dress. DH and I discussed it WELL in advance. Note: This wasn't widespread knowledge either. The only people privy to the brooches meaning were Dh and myself. No one else needed to know. I've now been married for 18 years, we've have two crazy kids, and life has been wild. DH is the Mac to my cheese and we balance each other out. Do I sometimes get sad when occasionally remembering FF? Yes, and that's normal. I'm open with Dh about it. I'll say I could use a big hug and he'll squeeze me to death. The fine line is- it's OK to remember and feel sad. That's normal. But if you are actively pushing a persons memory to the detriment of your significant other, to your relationship- that's not healthy. You need to seek counseling, couples counseling, or exit the relationship all together.

[@MrBuns-yi2hk]

I was kind of thinking the same thing. If I was in OP's shoes, I wouldn't be able to help but compare myself to the wife's late fiance. I understand loving and remembering her late fiance, but playing a song dedicated to him at there wedding is a bit too far for me.

[@arnold-shortsnigga]

In my opinion, no matter how you feel about losing a person they were attracted to (no matter how), if you're getting married to someone else your wedding should have NOTHING to do with ANOTHER LOVER, that's extremely disrespectful to your current relationship, an ex is never someone to be acknowledged at your wedding. It's so tacky. There's quite a few hundred days left in the year to think of someone you love (romantically/sexually) that isn't the person you married.

[@blix_xo]

Next would be issues surrounding their future children. "if -- hadn't died, I wonder who our children would look more like" or "Can we name our son/daughter after him. Yeah it's not going to be pretty. While sure naming a child after a loved one I think it is a bit different naming them after an S.O dead or alive.

[@littlestrawberryfaery]

Vanilla twilight is a very romantic song… it’s about wanting to be with someone that you truly love, missing them but you can’t be with them… She needs therapy, she can still miss him, love him and all that but she needs to chill down with it

[@wimsylogic65]

Yes it's romantic but is it appropriate for her wedding to another man?

[@littlestrawberryfaery]

@@wimsylogic65 I think you misread my comment…. I’m saying that’s a weird a$$ song choice for a dead man on the day that you’re marrying your would be husband…

[@kolonarulez5222]

Stories like these make me feel selfish bc I couldn't handle this as a partner. The perfect ghost of another person is floating around in their mind forever and it would seem nigh impossible not to feel like "I'm only here bc this person isn't"

[@ISIIN15]

Its not selfish. Everyone wants to be the first choice. If she's acting like the wife in the first story don't waste your time. Being selfish would be finding out she had a fiance who died and you left her because of that not because they're Constantly bringing up an ex or a dead boyfriend or whatever

[@DrewLSsix]

It's not selfish but it's also not unique, whoever is most important in your life now is there thanks to many circumstances, including lost people in one way or another.

[@Pastel_Dreams]

It's not for everyone and it's not selfish if that's a condition you're not willing to break when it comes to a relationship.

[@samiulhuda4001]

its not selfish at all. if she is so hung up on the dead guy she can go be with her. its unfortunate he died and i would be very accommodating in terms of her feelings of loss. But about NOTHING else. she would need to undertand its her thing not my thing. i dont know the guy i dont care about the guy and is not going to mourn the guy or include or cast a shadow in my life. if she is not ready for that she needs to be on her way

[@keifferlindsey965]

Nobody wants to hear about the ex from their SO. Damn sure don’t want to hear about the dead ex. Just saying.

[@brittany9747]

I love that you have lilies for your mom. When my mom's best friend died(he took on a father figure when my parents divorced), I took a lily home from an arrangement. Watching it slowly open was sort of therapeutic for me then. Now they're my favorite.

[@samanthacarpenter3336]

I’m sorry but, the wedding between you and your new husband is absolutely not the time or place to be mourning and honoring your dead ex. That day is milestone for new couple making the dedication to the most important person in their lives, and taking the titles of husband and wife. It comes off as the bride not ready to get married again. I’d have a problem with it too.

[@samssams666]

I just want to clarify something there's a difference between being over your dead love and being over your best friend because in some cases that's the same thing and no one can be over someone they care about. The love for them is always going to be there. But the question is are you letting that love affect your daily life and negative ways? If so then you need to rethink your relationship status. I think the dance is okay and that the song needs to be changed. But the idea the girl was going for it I completely understand.

[@Pastel_Dreams]

Yeah. The actual problem when it comes to the permanent grief of losing a love one is whether or not you're going to let that grief destroy you. But both in the reddit comments and the comments here, so many people seem to be missing this issue and just focusing on the person who lost someone as someone that isn't worthy of finding love again with someone that is empathic and strong enough to help them through it instead of being part of the problem. Too many jerks saying that the person choosing to stay is a doormat and isn't going to get anything good in the long run

[@ginathecookie]

@@Pastel_Dreams this As long as the fiance is empathetic back to him, theybhave a real chance for working through this

[@PrincessQ-fj9ly]

@@Pastel_Dreams I agree with you. Everyone grieves in different ways. And I think some people just prove how we as a society have forgotten about love and what it really means as well as how unrealistic our expectations can be. I think as long as there's love, patience, trust, respect and empathy on both sides, the relationship is a healthy and loving one to me.

[@randomusername3873]

If she needs closure from her death husband She Is not ready for a new relationship, let alone getting married. Now, remembering him would be one thing, but the day of the wedding is supposed to be about the relationship between her and Op, not between her and her death husband. She's being extremely desrespectful

[@tikimillie]

I mean it could be seen sort of like the same thing as a father walking his daughter up the alter. A handing off sort of thing? It really depends. Should probably talk it over eitherway.

[@Calories_To_Calibers]

@@tikimillie she didn't fuck her father, so definitely not the same

[@thomasjoseph5876]

The OP is a doormat as most guys wouldn't allow her this much leeway to "honor" her dead fiance. I wonder what the OP will do when she wants to name one of their kids after him??? You know it is coming. You simply can't win against a ghost, especially one that she is still grieving over.

[@clairebear-96]

I only have 3 tattoos but haven’t regretted mine at all yet! 2 of them are dedicated to my family (the first is the birth month flowers for my mum and all my siblings; the second says “Love, Mum” in her handwriting, from the last birthday card she gave me 💛 Can’t imagine ever regretting tattoos meant for loved ones, why would anyone even say that! Btw my other tattoo is a bike with the spokes in the colors of the bisexual flag - it’s a BIcycle ahaha

[@FeeBee3001]

That tattoo story at the end makes me want to cry. It was such a sweet story but so sad about all the wonderful people the OP has lost.

[@paulastiles5507]

Story #1: OMG, a marriage saved by improved communication before it even started! What a breath of fresh air for Reddit! Seriously, though, I'm really glad that OP cleared up what his fiancee really wanted. It sounds as though she just wanted to honor her dead boyfriend's parents, not show up her new husband as the consolation prize. And it got OP involved more in his own wedding.

[@kevinr662]

no that is not it - did you not hear that they have a picture of the dead ex in their home? smh this is a woman who need to still grieve and mourn her loss and not suffer anyone until she does. smh

[@paulastiles5507]

@@kevinr662 So, what?

[@astronautviolet153]

story :1 Op NTA it was just a miscommunication and both of the families are very loving towards each other and need to talk about.

[@Cannibalsnacks]

he said that but it's really not, you're memorializing the love of your life on your wedding to someone else. I'm not saying they shouldn't have gotten married eventually , but I would have had em at least go through some counseling to verify and give it another year. Even the way he writes makes it seem like he feels lucky and shes settling, and this is him trying to put a positive spin on the thing good luck OP any argument has a prefect ghost love comparison who would never have done . dot . dot . dot.

[@kimberlyplatt2382]

OP from the first story needs to walk away. She is not over him.

[@Uneclipsed]

Listen. I'm the first one to advocate for understanding when it comes to lost loved ones, but... Idk. This one has me considering if she's ready to get married. It's perfectly reasonable to have some type of feelings about it, but taking a moment to perform your grief over a lost love in front of an audience on your wedding day feels so wrong to me. Edit: I'm really happy it turned out well. I'm so glad they were able to talk about it and turn it into a beautiful experience. Also, so relieved she didn't pick that song lol

[@thomasjoseph5876]

It didn't turn out well. A happy ending would have been the poor OP understanding that you can't win against a ghost when it comes to the emotional part of a relationship. He simply "accepted it". What is going to happen a few years down the line when they start having kids and she wants to name one of them after her dead fiance??? We will see how much of a doormat the OP truly is because he will get pressure from her and probably her parents and the dead fiance's parents to allow it. This is a marriage of 3 people, her, the ghost of the dead fiance, and as the third wheel, the OP. She will only remember the good things about her dead fiance and none of the bad while the OP will have any bad things thrown in his face. I have a friend that married a woman who was married for almost 2 years to her high school sweetheart before he was killed in a car accident. There is a lot that happened when they were dating and engaged that showed she wasn't really "ready" for a new relationship with my friend. I could fill a page describing things he had to go thru. Luckily, with help from our friends, his family, and his fiance's family, he was able to see the toxicity of what the marriage would be if his fiance didn't change her mindset about her dead husband, part of which was pressure from his parents. My friend gave her an ultimatum and was willing to follow thru. There was also an intervention for her with her family, her friends, my friend, and the rest of our friends where we explained to her that she needed to essentially close out her life with her dead husband and his family or she would never be able to move forward. She saw what everyone was saying and she got rid of literally everything that was part of her marriage to her dead husband. Since then, my friend and his now wife have been living a great life, have 2 kids (NONE are named after her dead husband or anyone from his family), and they are very happy.

[@Uneclipsed]

@@thomasjoseph5876 respectfully, I disagree. Yes, there are people who never move on, but it’s not up to the partner to dictate how a person who’s suffered loss is to feel about it. It’s the partner’s job to decide how much of a support they’re willing to be for it throughout the relationship. For some people it’s a deal breaker. For others, it’s not. But previous relationships don’t just disappear because you fall in love with someone new. This applies to all kinds of losses and trauma. OP was willing from the beginning to be supportive as much as he could and respect the relationships his wife had previously established. The dance wasn’t the issue, it was the song and the possibility she was using her husband as a stand it for her dead love. The fact that they talked about it and were able to come to an agreement both were happy with means that they’re on the right track with each other. They turned it into a beautiful thing and that’s what healthy relationships are about.

[@thomasjoseph5876]

@@Uneclipsed They didn't come to an "agreement", SHE DID. The OP simply caved because he is a doormat. She still made a day that is supposed to be just about her and her new husband, instead, about her dead fiance as well. Sorry, but that is a HUGE RED FLAG. She should not have been getting married let alone in a relationship if she is STILL GRIEVING. That's the problem I have with this. The dance is just a by-product of the main issue. I would never pretend to tell someone how they should grieve, but I have a problem with someone pretending to move on when they aren't ready and are still grieving as it will only hurt other people. C'mon, you know there is NO WAY the woman is not going to want to name one of her future kids with the OP in honor of the dead fiance. She needs to be able to move on from him and at that point, he should only reside in her memories.

[@Uneclipsed]

@@thomasjoseph5876 lol okay. You obviously know better than to believe what OP says he feels.🙄

[@myconfusedmerriment]

@@thomasjoseph5876 A lot of y’all in these comments keep predicting this woman’s future behavior (naming a kid after the dead fiancé, using him against OP in a fight, etc) and you act like they’re foregone conclusions. I’m not saying it can’t happen, but it’s entirely dependent on how the wife acts moving forward. It sounded like they came to a mutual understanding, had a conversation like adults, and everyone is still pressed in the comments. You’re never “done” grieving someone you love. Should that disqualify the remaining partners from ever marrying again? Also, “Lean On Me” in this context feels way more like a dedication to the fiancé’s parents, thanking them for all they’ve done to support her. That dance could even be considered a kind of threshold moment, a changing of the guard, opening a new chapter in the bride’s life. Obviously we only got the husband’s perspective, so there’s no way for us to know for sure what’s going on in her head. But I don’t think wanting to honor her dead fiancé at her wedding is inherently a red flag, it’s more about how she chooses to do so.

[@Tammohawk1]

1. Let her have the dance, but to a different song. 2. Girlfriend is jealous of a dead friend. Talking cleared everything up. In both stories.

[@bluecat7478]

Listen to the update for story one.

[@samiulhuda4001]

no this wedding is not about the dead guy. if she wants to grieve him at the wedding she can take 5 mins in the washroom when she gets ready. that is ridiculous

[@Cannibalsnacks]

Story 1: It's not a problem that she had a past love, The problem is when that love is being invited into their future. Imagine marrying anyone whom is still burning a candle for someone that is unassailable. The problem is quite literally he's dead. and the longer he's dead the better they're relationship will seem, annoyances forgotten, till he reaches sainthood. You by contrast are just a living man with ups and downs. You're competing against the best love ever, one that will only improve, while its failings become but a distant memory. When young we all remember that teenage summer night under the stars but quickly forget how uncomfortable the car was, or the mosquitos, etc.

[@msredux]

Don't marry someone who isn't over their dead ex, and I will waiting for the post where op ask if he is TA for not wanting to name their child after her late boyfriend

[@upyourasteriod4494]

Wtf

[@natnuss98]

It's not an ex. They literally died.

[@jlyo1991]

@@natnuss98 no longer fiancé. Dead or otherwise.

[@natnuss98]

@@jlyo1991 lol heartless. Do you call your grandma an ex because she died? Is she an ex grandma then?

[@randomusername3873]

@@natnuss98 this day should be about her and the Op, if she feels the need to think about her late husband during her wedding then she is not over him

[@KatMarshmallow]

For Story 2, I personally think tattoos help share the journey of the persons life and help decorate their lives. I have no tattoos yet but I have 3 ideas for when I’m can afford them; a ship with an aspect that symbolises each of the 3 dogs I’ve had, a matching silly little tattoo with my sister and a matching tattoo with my college friends when we graduate together

[@lalvarez5151]

Story 1 -NTA. Imagine if the roles where reversed and it was the male trying to push the deceased gf on the wife? Reddit would have a melt down. That poor op having to play second fiddle to a dead man. They have a picture of the ex in the living room mantle? She wants to dance to a love song with the dead ex's dad? Sounds to me like if that was the song she picked to dance with her late fiance, and that the dance is in rememberence of him. Regardless the fiance has not let go of him and sounds like she has issues. The Op should break up with her because celebrating another man (and his family) at a wedding is an AH move.

[@kitkakitteh]

Or, maybe You’re just insecure and have never needed closure after the sudden death of a dream.

[@Norinia]

@@kitkakitteh the problem is it screams your spouse is your ‘back up plan’, that you’d never have picked them if your ‘true love’ hadn’t died. Anyone would take offense to that.

[@randomusername3873]

@@kitkakitteh I mean, you shouldn't get closure at your wedding

[@aikikaname6508]

@@kitkakitteh Yeah, no. Her wanting a first dance with her former FIL is fine, maybe even a song that was special to them, but a lamentation with lyrics like ‘I’ll watch the night turn blue, it’s not the same without you’ and ‘I don’t feel so alone … I’ll think of you tonight.’ Who wants a lamentation of the deceased former partner at the wedding and a public emphasis that it’s ‘not the same’ without them? It’s supposed to be a celebration of their love and future together. This is a beautiful song to remember him by, but damn unfair and I appropriate at her wedding to a guy she’s supposed to love and be excited about a future with. If she honestly is he’ll bent on playing such a lamentful song at her wedding, I would question if she’s truly at a place in her grief where she’s ready to start a future with someone new

[@mrgrooveytwoshoes]

@@kitkakitteh or how bout... don't get into whole ass fuckin marriages if you're still grieving/not over your EX dead or alive calling somebody insecure about wanting to have THEIR wedding day about them and their partner to themselves Is the stupidest selfish shit I've ever heard 🤡 and if you've done this to your partner they deserve better

[@cattyanamontes5996]

I don’t regret any of my tattoos and never will. They all mean something to me. I detest when people say that crap to me. “What about when you’re elderly?” “I’m gonna be a cool looking grandma that’s what.”

[@sandracox4341]

People use to say that because tattoos were counterculture or edgy. Now they are mainstream and it's more unusual to see someone that doesn't have tattoos. You'll just be one of many Grandma's with tattoos.

[@myconfusedmerriment]

Something I’ve learned is that older generations have this really strong association with tattoos and being promiscuous and/or criminal. My little sister has 2 tattoos, one an artsy horse head and the other is her dog’s paw print. Very innocent. She’d like to get more, including a memorial flower tattoo for lost family members, but our parents are so weird about them, it’s irritating. Even though they are normally pretty reasonable people, they have this thing about tattoos (they also threw a fit back when I dyed my hair pink lol). The best we can get from them is “I don’t like it, but whatever, it’s your life.” 🙄

[@samiulhuda4001]

actually depends on the tattoo. there was a stigma before but now its more so how many what kinda tattoo. patchy tattoos all over body is ugly. anything on your face, neck knuckles horrible.

[@ChrisSmithBass]

Just reading the title I’m going “fuck no.”

[@ChrisSmithBass]

Yeah I was wrong.

[@juanhaines7295]

Story 1 nta this reminds me of the ring story. Like why is she with another guy if she hasn't made piece with it yet.

[@mattl6300]

Why would the first dude want to play second fiddle to an idolized ghost for as long as he's married?

[@novabrilliant4510]

Listening while baking cookies and putting up Halloween decorations. Hope everyone is enjoying their evening.

[@opalanuitchoutte3038]

Now I want a cookie

[@sidahmedt6422]

Uhh nobody gives a fuck !

[@novabrilliant4510]

@@opalanuitchoutte3038 I would happily share

[@heatherdickau5335]

First story The bride is not ready to marry. She needs more time. Op will always be playing fiddle to a ghost.

[@rapsack7058]

Story 1: Again a woman shows low empathy and put OP in a loose loose situation. Some questions you just dont ask. Some things you just dont do. If he says no he is insensitive and controling. If he says yes, he says yes to embarressing him self, accepting that he is just her secound choice. I would realy think about the marriage. With the question she made clear im in a competition with a dead guy. I competition i cant win. If he would realy be the center of her life, she never would ask something so insensitive.

[@arnold-shortsnigga]

The second story reminded me of the story where a girls bf had "Jess" tattooed on the bottom of his foot bc he was into his friend at the time and now it's an inside joke between them but he went to get it removed even though gf told him not to bc it's painful and expensive just to make her feel more comfortable

[@sabredesatanas518]

Okay, 1st story. I would call off the wedding and go on my way. Sorry, this is totally ridiculous and the fact that any of you are saying is okay is laughable. I sincerely hope he is ready to always take second place to a ghost in his own marriage. Hell, he is taking 2nd place in his own life period. If he went through with this (no I haven't finished the story yet, I came down here to read the comments first) none of you talking about how mature and wonderful it is would be feeling the same if you were walking in his shoes. Oh look I just found someone who agrees with me. This isn't a man, its a mouse. If he goes through with it he deserves whatever he gets. Finished it, yep..he deserves everything coming to him, and it will!

[@cjandauntieyaya1446]

Story 2 Update: Now we can see how an OP's initial post can sway people's opinion because the OP left out critical info. He didn't explain to her that Jane was his BFF. She just thought of it as him pining over another woman. People! Please COMMUNICATE with your SO. Drop your walls and let them in. Then, if they screw you over by using your intimate info against you, read the r/prorevenge to come up with good ideas to remedy the betrayal. In other words, Trust is a thing you can't receive until you give it to the other person. You must open up and trust that your SO will "get it" and have empathy, compassion and respect for your situation. Then, you, in turn, must do the same for their situation.

[@hungrymusicwolf]

"Drop your walls and let them in. Then, if they screw you over by using your intimate info against you, read the r/prorevenge to come up with good ideas to remedy the betrayal." I can see some r/AbruptChaos in your future.

[@aikikaname6508]

Nah, sorry, vanilla Twilight was not ‘just an example’. She said that it was ‘along the lines of what she wanted’, and what she wanted is a song of lamentation and trying to cope with the void of losing a loved one at her own damn wedding when she’s supposed to be celebrating her life with OP. She wants a song about the loss and grief of her first husband to be the first song played. She is not in a place where she’s ready to fully commit to a future with someone else if she wants to kick off her wedding with a lamentation. It’s understandable that the loss will never truly go away, but OP will never be the other great love of her life; Her late husband will be the great love, and OP will be the one she settled for to try and fill the void. He deserves better than that and i think this is slowly going to eat at him. Just waiting for the first time they get in a big argument and his wife throws ‘My late husband would have never done that!’ In his face

[@GoldenLeafsMovies]

“For those who remain, death should never take precedence over life." -Avallac'h Weddings are a celebration of the future not the past.

[@browniewin4121]

1) It is reasonable for her to always have love in her heart for the man who was tragically taken away, and this dance would mean a lot to her 2nd set of parents, but it would also be reasonable for you to want your wedding to be about love between you and not her X and I think it would be cringy for this song to be used in this way at your wedding. Some other song would be better for you, but I think you should allow her that. After update: I'm happy to hear you came to a better understanding and the wedding was what you wanted and all is well. 2) Very happy this led to more openness, better communication and understanding.

[@Cannibalsnacks]

it still seems weird, ya the dead will be part of you but inviting them in to a wedding in which you're quite literally the replacement is just a bad look. Trying to think what the comments would be if a guy wanted to have a dance for xgf he knew since childhood and was set to marry. just gonna slow dance with her mom to lovesong hun, you're cool with that right....

[@Weirdandwonderfull19]

Story 2- I want a tattoo saying "Like a bull in a Candyfloss shop...... In 2 parts" underneath a gothic image. My best friend died in 2020 (not from Covid). We had a LOT of silly conversations which ended up with us laughing hysterically until we were crying. Those are a couple of snippets from our conversations. Yes, I know bulls run around in charity shops, but my friends hypothetical bull seemed to get around, charity shops, candyfloss shops and some shops that I probably shouldn't type on KZbin 😂. Happy memories 💜🖤.

[@zapheil]

Why are people calling that song choice creepy for the particular situation? If anything, it sounds like it would have been wistful and bittersweet. It read less to me like she was telling OP “I miss the man I was with and wish I was actually marrying him” and more like she was telling the parents “your son was very precious to me, and though I’m moving forward in my life, I will always treasure the time I had with him.” Also, I think this song could fit for any deceased loved one. An SO certainly, but it also would fit very well for a parent mourning the loss of their child. I dunno, I just feel like if they’d gone with that song and I’d been there to see it, I would’ve considered it to be a beautiful and touching moment.

[@floraposteschild4184]

A beautiful and touching moment--at a funeral. Not at a wedding to another man! Listen to the lyrics again. They imply the singer has never and probably will never move on from the relationship.

[@SakuraMoonflower]

I'm like, "Bro, just break up with her. You're not strong enough to accept a partner with trauma who loved someone else once. She deserves better than you." That's before hearing the story. After hearing the story: the song is a poor choice. I understand being in mourning, but this song choice is disrespectful to your future. I would have chosen something loving and memorial, but not disrespectful to my future. "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey for example. That being said, I stand by my advice: it's hard for the inexperienced and the weak to love someone who used to love someone else. Not everyone can get over their ego and accept a lover with a past. If you're not that person, have no shame, but walk away. Leave her to someone worthy of her. After the update: I'm glad she didn't go with that song choice! I'm glad y'all talked it out. Here's hoping for the best!

[@lindah3803]

Story 1: I was happy with the update. Lean On Me is a more appropriate song. OPs got his hands full in the future. If they have kids I can see his wife wanting to include Luke's or Luke's Dad's name if they have a boy. It seems that right now they are able to discuss things. Hopefully this will continue.

[@LaineyBug2020]

I just want to give O.P. from Story 2 a big hug!

[@Lily_of_the_Forest]

I love lilies! Mark’s lily tattoos for his mother are a beautiful memorial.

[@sckanersfofolle]

Tbh a table with dead ones pictures should be enough imo. You get ex-fiance, granny, grandpa, friends... Every loved ones can be there despite not making it.

[@stirlingarcher7972]

I can’t believe a commenter thought it was weird for you to get tributes to lost loved ones tattooed on you. It’s incredibly common for people that are into tattoos. Sometimes even people that don’t usually get tattoos will get one to honor someone they lost.

[@lovinglifebutnotonearth3909]

Story one: the Op is second to a dead man. He's just a doormat. A photo of him? Celebrating his birthday and death day? The Op needs to leave. It sounds like it's about her and her dead fiance. The OP is just a backup prize.

[@OZARKMOON1960]

And here is where my thoughts go - especially this bday and death day celebration. Do they do the same for OP's long-gone mom? Not hearing anything for him here, just for her and her four 'amazing parents'. Would not be surprised to see OP posting about having a gullet full and the big D less than three years from now.

[@Bucketus.Lord.of.Buckets]

I'm someone in a similar situation to the fiancée in story 1: Picture on the mantlez celebrating his birthday? OP is doing way too much already. Wanting a love song dance for him on the wedding? WTF. She's not over him. She's not ready to be in a relationship. She needs to seek therapy and grief counseling. I never got over it, and recognized that it would be unfair to anyone in the future to dedicate their life to someone who still has someone else occupying a huge part of that special place in your heart.

[@lovinglifebutnotonearth3909]

People are placing bets that if they have a son, she will want to name the baby after the dead fiance. The OP is just a backup prize. She's his first choice, he's her backup

[@Davtwan]

It’s so refreshing to see a relationship story end so well.

[@sidahmedt6422]

It didn't end well for op though.

[@cl5470]

Except it didn't. He will be back in a year or two when she wants to name their baby after the late fiance and wants his parents in the delivery room because "it should have been his baby". This will not end well until she gets grief counseling.

[@Knives7777]

why would u even want to marry a woman like that?

[@Talmorne]

Tattoos are a very personal thing, good to see OP from story 2 having a heart to heart with his girlfriend to give her a better understanding of what the tattoos are for

[@ohreally1997]

That's the thing. Tattoos ARE very personal, making discussion of their significance relevant to the "getting to know" someone phase. The timing of this convo kinda weird, though, don't you think? He mentions that he's in love with girlfriend at the start of post, but then goes on to describe a relationship where she's never asked him/he's never explained all these very personal tattoos. He later says that the current convo about tattoos only started because she "noticed" he'd just gotten a new one, as in, he just went and got one while she was away for the weekend or something? Just seems odd that the convo/scenario didn't come up prior, if they're already in love with each other.

[@Talmorne]

@@ohreally1997 Yeah idk, it does make you think that if the tattoos were so important he would've had this convo sooner. But better late than never I suppose XD

[@reptiles3244]

@@ohreally1997 never had someone ask me about my tattoos not even my wife, I don't think tattoos really have a meaning one is my son's birthdate and name it's pretty self explanatory the others are obvious I wanted them because they looked cool nothing behind them at all

[@ohreally1997]

@@reptiles3244 Yeah, legit, some people get tattoos solely out of aesthetic interest. I don't think I've, personally, ever known anyone like that - but I know they must exist, because those Pam Anderson barbwire arm bands were a thing in the 90s. There tends to be an notable difference when a tattoo is uniquely personal, though, like song lyrics vs the generic grim reaper that was obviously picked off the wall of a tattoo parlor. Even then, there could be a story, I mean why get a grim reaper? Even something that seems like a generic tribal tattoo, may have been selected to pay hommage to genuine tribal heritage. This guy described himself as being covered in tattoos that carried meaning, ie the broken car window. That's something I would've assumed had a story behind it, and asked about, because it's a rather unique and peculiar tattoo. He has two separate heart tattoos with names (one female, one male) in them. If a guy I was dating had a heart with the name "Steve" in it, or something, I'd definitely be inquiring. The only time I know I wouldn't inquire at all, is if the tattoo is so painfully juvenile/generic/poorly done, that the awkwardness of drawing attention to it outweighs my curiosity. My husband has one particular tattoo that obviously didn't come out the way he envisioned (I hope), and I have spent five years actively avoiding any discussion about it, as "who did this to you? what were you thinking?" will inevitably fly out of my mouth.

[@200yearsago]

Any time people gets offended by my tattoos or the tattoos I'm planning to get I get so confused. Like why the heck do you care what I put on my body?? I promise not to sneak into your room and give my tattoos to *you*, Jeez

[@bluecat7478]

What we learn from story one is communication is key.

[@jesterbob828]

First story: RUN AWAY!! YOU CANNOT COMPLETE WITH A GHOST!!

[@stirrednotshaken4823]

I don’t have any tattoos, but have wanted to get one for my father. When we were leaving his funeral, there was a brown butterfly on the top of our truck bed and I was like there’s my dad (myth is butterflies at funerals are love ones saying goodbye). When I climbed in, the window was down and that butterfly came in and landed on my arm for about 30 seconds, then flew away. I later looked up the butterfly online and it was called Horace Duskywings…my father’s name was Horace! 🤯🥰❤️

[@carlrood4457]

Sounds like she hasn't really moved on. I think this guy needs to realize he's a second choice and he's a stand-in.

[@b.c.9358]

It's a father-daughter dance 2 electric boogaloo, I'd be fine with it. Another classic "we shoulda just talked about it" reddit problem. For story 2: I think the tattoos are not a problem.

[@utatanepiko7087]

The straightforward reading of Vanilla Twilight is my favorite part of this video XD

[@arnold-shortsnigga]

Mark is such an amazing singer as we've all heard here today

[@bhutehole]

story 1. run away, see is not ready to get married. she is not finished grieving

[@Cannibalsnacks]

Amen D&T thought I was the only one... like umm you're there looking at the love of your life and she's looking out the window remembering the one she wishes was at the alter ..... ya totally gonna end well

[@delilahbelle2125]

S2: Everyone grieves differently. OP needs a significant other who understands his way of grieving and marking the passing of those who mean something to him. The GF sounds immature in the initial post. "You're getting lyric tattoos for another woman," but if she were to recontextualize it as "you're getting lyrics tattooed for a friend who passed unexpectedly," it probably wouldn't get under her skin. Julia is a lost friend who just happens to be female, not a friend who's most significant trait was that she was female. After hearing the update, I'm glad OP and the GF were able to better understand each other.

[@oviyaravindranath6860]

Glimpse of us was written for people like OP's fiance in the first story

[@TheHellsHobbit]

#1 If I was OP I would cancel the wedding, she is not really to marry, OP is the second choice. Not that song.

[@ApocalypticEmu]

On tattoos: I just got my first tattoo this last summer with my best friend, who I’ve known since we were 4. It’s a trio of watercolor koi fish swimming in a circle, and in short, we both want to be authors, so it represents three characters we’ve been writing together since we were 14. I walked out of the studio knowing that this wasn’t going to be my last tattoo. I haven’t gotten any more yet, but I’ve got plans 😁 Most of them are little things from various recurring phases that just make me happy to see. One is a witchy bat for another character of ours, to join the koi fish. But the next one I get will probably be a Black-eyed Susan with some other symbolism on my left forearm, for my mom who passed when I was in middle school. As you can imagine, I have no issue with memorial tattoos and think they’re sweet and incredibly personal. My little brother’s first tat was a memorial tat for her.

[@julias2855]

Vanilla Twilight is our “I miss u” song when we r apart.

[@danishaussie63]

My beautiful dad died in 1989, and ironically to this story, the song that always reminds me of dad was the Mike and the mechanic's, 'the living years'. Not a damn day that goes by where I dont miss my dad or think of him even after all this time. It still feels like yesterday he was taken from me/us.😭😭😭

[@heathermiller5765]

I must say that is ironic...such a sad song but a beautiful one as well 😌

[@danishaussie63]

@@heathermiller5765 It sure was... and yes, both sad and lovely, even after 33 years :(

[@pattiboyd7223]

I have 7 tattoos. I got one with my grandson Jeff, his says STAY PURPLE. Mine says BETTER THAN YELLOW. Standing joke between the two of us.

[@fhuber7507]

1... OP is right to not want that particular song for the memorial dance. Something differnt would be more appropriate and it would not be inappropriate to include the woman's former fiance's father in the wedding.

[@sickofsnow1506]

Oh my god!! She is not over her ex. Postpone the wedding she isn’t ready yet. It’s very disrespectful to OP

[@artemisameretsu6905]

I'm so glad 1st OP communicated with his partner, when you lose a loved one you never stop loving them, you never stop missing them, it's completely natural for humans to grieve things occasionally especially on such an important life event she planned to share with the person who died. I'm glad OP is so mature and emotionally nurturing, they're the kind of couple you'll see holding hands at the park at 80 because they love each other and communicate so well even through misunderstandings. To be fair if it was my wife mourning the loss of a dead person I wouldn't even mind Vanilla Twilight because I know what that pains like, if my wife wanted it I might just consider pushing our song til after the fathers dances and have it be a song about new love coming along, it's a little theatrical but some people have feelings that big and that's okay as long as everyone communicates

[@cl5470]

He's not emotionally mature, he's a pushover who knows he will always be a silver medal. The marriage will likely end when she names his first son after the late fiance.

[@laxusdreyar7838]

Rugsweeping because you do not have a backbone is not being emotionally mature. Mourning a past lost love on your wedding to another person is not emotionally mature. A lot of you throw around words, yet not know the meaning of it, or fit its meaning based on your comfort.

[@drunkbillygoat]

My wife's x died in an accident too. I know he was a huge part of her life. Hell his sister invited us to her wedding. I watched my wife break down and cry when a video of the brides life was played. She talks with his parents often. I get it. He helped turn my wife into the person I love and I'm grateful to him. I personally wouldn't mind a song. But not that song or anything close to it

[@tophesshtzgiggles609]

story1: YTA Fiancee is treating former bf's father like a second father NOT a love interest. it isn't a tribute to the late love, but a tribute to how much the man supported and continues to support her. My friend had "You look wonderful tonight" for her daddy/daughter dance(with the last? verse cut out--about being drunk)

[@MrsGump]

My 18 yr old daughter & I (44) got matching inner wrist/forearm tattoos about 12 months ago. We've both suffered with bad depression & I had a nervous breakdown/suicide attempt at 23, she had the same in May of 2021 (she ended up in ICU & it was terrifying). We both got the semi colon tattoo with flowers around it - it reminds us both that u can get thru it, suicide isn't the answer & that we are NEVER alone & will always be there for each other in the hard, low times. She's not just my daughter but my best friend, I have the same relationship with my mum & her & daughter are also extremely close - were like weirdo versions of the 3 amigos LOL. Now it's just a matter of talking my mum/Grandma into getting her first tattoo at 67 🤣

[@CatAstridphe]

Oh my goodness. The commenter that met their new partner on their passed ones birthday. Had me tearing up, like a "meant to be, could be taken as a sign that the passed person helped to get them together." kind of thing.

[@thomasjoseph5876]

The OP should have run away immediately. She isn't over that dude yet and she should not be in a marriage let alone a relationship yet. Being the OP is a big doormat, I wonder what he will do when she wants to name one of their kids after her dead fiance. You know that is coming.

[@kennethbarkley1491]

To be honest OP should never have gotten this far with her. She is not ready to move on. She is still in love with her deceased ex. Ex will be remembered as perfect while OP will be a person with problems and not perfect. This is disaster waiting to happen.

[@rollerdavem]

That song, Vanilla Twilight... I had a chick dump me, I posted that on my fakebook and next thing I knew, we were back together! Lol

[@JohnDoe-kt9em]

Personally I wouldn't let that slide

[@robinwhite4148]

I got all 5 of my tattoos inmy 40's. They are meaningful to me.

[@dm9078]

Never marry someone who is still grieving their dead SO. Even if she wouldn’t be listening to the lyrics she will be thinking them.

[@ian7064]

It's a battle you're never gonna win. You'll never be able to compete with the deceased SO bc they're effectively a martyr

[@leegraves8878]

@@ian7064 He was just always so much better than you at x. I hope op plans on hearing that a lot.

[@lovinglifebutnotonearth3909]

@@leegraves8878 oh God. That poor OP. He will never measure up

[@MissKillingQueen]

Holely moley I'm never this early!! Was hoping this story would have an update.

[@yobabycolin2933]

Same.

[@stellamccoy5259]

I have a tattoo of my husband's name. He passed a little over 4 years ago and I would never, ever get rid of or cover up for anyone. I myself have other tattoos for family members who have passed on. I would never ever expect anyone to get rid of or cover-up a tattoo memorializing a dead friend or relative.

[@axepagode33626]

Nope, nope, nope! You never should have said yes. More importantly, SHE NEVER SHOULD HAVE ASKED OR SUGGESTED THIS. Honestly, if she is still tied up with him, then she is not ready to marry you. If it hurts her to not have him as part of your wedding, she is not giving all to you. This is not fair to you or your relationship. STOP THIS!

[@bluecat7478]

Listen to the update!

[@nai5949]

@@bluecat7478 exactly. These people think this is tlc. They live for drama and hate when couples on reddit talk it out. I could never post my personal relationship problems on reddit for this very reason.

[@elenapic6859]

I just so love when you let us know yourself a little more in your comments about the stories

[@MsMookalate]

The first story song is literally a love song. This is a no go. 😢 Edit: Happy to hear the update Story 3: makes me very emotional

[@MorganVsTheInternet]

1- NAH OP needs to have an open and honest convo with his FW. Maybe pick a different song for the second“father”-daughter dance. Or a group dance with all the parental figures and the couple switching partners for like two songs! Update I’m glad OP and his wife worked things out and had a beautifully wedding. Adults being mature you love to see it.

[@yobabycolin2933]

First story: NTA after hearing the lyrics.

[@AlbowaSinema]

What the hell! Dude is one of those who is comfortable with being a second choice. He has his picture in his house ffs. How pathetic is that? 🤦🏾‍♂️

[@fozzy1004]

If my future wife wanted to involve any previous partner alive or dead at our wedding I would immediately break up and ghost her without question or mercy, what the fuck is this man on, he is absolutely the 2nd man and is just the stand in man in 2nd place to a ghost, what the fuck, grow a spine and find someone who would put you first on your wedding day.

[@AzraelIbliz]

Story 1. is a typical case to just talk to each other. When he had mentioned his worries when she suggested it the missunderstanding would have been have a quicker resolution and he hadn't had to go through the agonie of what might be.

[@kitkakitteh]

Hah! That Julia tattoo made me laugh. I had to look at his (with a rose, too) every day of our decades long marriage. He died recently, and I’d kill to see it one more time. Who knew. ❤️

[@Sammvoy]

For the second story, I am personally a huge fan of the wonder years and the band very much has a community-like following as many bands in that scene do and I know a lot of my friends do get tattoos of their lyrics as the albums come out. I have also lost my dad, and for me it’s very important to carry on the memory of the person I lost through life, so I don’t lost the impact they have on you. I think i get it. It’s all about finding the right person.

[@itazuranakisu]

A dedication at the wedding is not being over the ex. And sometimes when it’s death related that may never come. Although keeping a memento such a photos or a ring is different. Some people are really threatened by their partner’ deceased partner still having by a small part of their heart in any form or shape which is concerning. If OP still wants to marry her a compromise would be to have a seat labeled for him as some people do for loved ones who have passed.

[@fyoutube9410]

Time to dump fiance. Marriage ain't worth it anyway.

[@Takeoverartist1987]

Story 1: 100% guarantee she pictures her late ex while they have sex. Poor guy

[@mewmew88]

The first tattoo I got was the day after my Mum died. It's a Lily on my right shoulder because that was her favourite flower. A year to the day of her death I got a Tatty Teddy Angel sat on a cloud looking up at the Lily on my ribs. On my left shoulder is a frog with a heart tongue that my Dad picked because he loves frogs and on my right wrist is a 3 of Clubs playing card with the words "Is this your card?" around it as tribute to my favourite magicians (points for anyone who knows who it's a reference to lol) I'm planning on getting more, both fun/just for me and sentimental tattoos to commemorate those who I've lost. Everyone gets tattoos for their own reasons and that's the way it should be in my honest opinion 😊

[@hannahseitz430]

I wouldn’t be okay with either of these situations. OP in story one is living in a ghost’s shadow and always will be, and OP in story two was incredibly stupid to get any woman’s name other than maybe his mother’s tattooed in a heart. He had no foresight for his future relationships and how that would affect them. The girlfriend just doesn’t want to seem insensitive but I guarantee it will continue to pick at her every time she sees it.

[@Talmorne]

Glad story 1 ended with a mature adult conversation and resulted in a good result!

[@upyourasteriod4494]

That is boy an adult

[@mogulmade]

Wait til she wants to name their first son after the dead ex 💀 🤣 😂

[@lovinglifebutnotonearth3909]

And will end up with her walking all over him and we people in the comments are betting she will ask to name their future son after the dead fiance.

[@Talmorne]

@@lovinglifebutnotonearth3909 Lets hope not XD

[@Talmorne]

@@mogulmade 😬

[@michaelschneider6106]

1st: Dude, she isn't marrying YOU, she's marrying her dead Fiance!

[@badkitty4922]

Hey, Mark! Don't listen to ANYONE who calls your sleeve or any other additional tats weird. They probably don't have/like tattoos themselves and don't get how very personal they are. I have ONE Godawful tat that I'd LOVE to have covered but, can't afford to. Thankfully, it's placed where if you're seeing it, it's because I'm showing it to you. You do you, mate! Much Love!😘💖👍

[@samiulhuda4001]

some tattoos are ugly and weird. i judge anyone with a neck, face knuckle tattoo. tattoos in itself is not a problem. i have 2. one on my chest another on my back. but patchy tattoos are also ugly.

[@ApocalypticEmu]

Story 2: I feel like people are slowly learning to accept that when your partner has lost a partner in the past, they shouldn’t be expected to just lose their love for them like it never happened. They should be allowed the room to continue to love and honor them in the future. What people seem to have more trouble with is when the person they lost was “just a friend”. “If you were just friends, you shouldn’t still feel this deeply about them. There must’ve been something romantic there.” Friendships can run so deep. It’s a different kind of love; not better or worse, just different. And it should be allowed to continue and be honored just as you would for a partner who’s passed. I don’t think OP’s doing anything wrong. I think it’s sweet. I can get where his gf is coming from, but if she doesn’t have an issue with the tat tradition for the guy friend, then I think she’s having trouble trusting OP that he and Julia were never romantic, and that’s an issue. EDIT: alright, thought the story was done, it was not lol. Yeah, we love miscommunications 😅 I’m so glad it turned out well in the end