Relationships with Covert Narcissists are Always One-Sided

[@talia4192]

Yes. The moment I started standing up for myself, the discard began.

[@aleshat6127]

Same... it was around year 4.5 (I was his second wife)... he soon found someone to cheat with and spent the next 1.5 years in the discard phase. But I'm soooo glad its over!

[@jaguarpawsrealityvlogshow6844]

Same here

[@sparkygump]

Me too!

[@madametia5379]

She is correct! He NEVER cared about my well being. I always cared about his. So glad I finally woke up!

[@Saruri]

So true! Their situations always overshine any problems you are having at that time, so you end up up feeling alone when you need them the most.

[@yorubabradley5707]

I'm just now realizing who I married after 26 years & 3 children. I gave him everything. I'm devastated 💔

[@ajmaynard7986]

I've always thought something was just broken in me, as I'm usually always the one who loves the most...regardless of whether it is a friendship or a romance. I don't know where to find people who have genuine love to give....at least not to me

[@miraclewarner7215]

Story of my life!!!!

[@john7148]

Narcs are everywhere, but just be yourself, all the time...then you will. 😉

[@vibehigh5280]

Yes! I agree!! When they are having a bad day we notice it and give our all bc we truly care and love them but when we are the ones having a bad day they don't notice it, and still wants our full attention on them, this is a hard pill to swallow.. they never got our backs, ever.

[@creator2149]

They were always struggling with something.Way too much stuff.When you need a friend to talk to, they get mad.

[@katemcl1124]

Yep, mine used to say “I’ve got a lot going on right now” all the time! He never told me what it was but I’m pretty sure it’s just called LIFE.

[@SHimes66]

Right?! My husband would say to me, “You put too much on my plate, you know I’m too busy!” Yet I RARELY asked him to do anything (be it a physical task or emotional support of some kind) because he would act like this when I did. Project much?!!?!

[@ChangeisGoodwithPam]

Exactly! Married over 28 years and he left me when I found my outside voice! He discarded me like trash, yet still hasn’t filed for divorce after over 4 months

[@nicolamills8003]

28 yrs here, found out 6 mths ago what he was,, now selling house and getting divorced, he says!? Cos I stood up to him, didn't take bait, stopped trying to validate my point etc etc etc etc... Arghh

[@anno0a]

It was 2 years for me and I've been waiting for him to change for 1,5 year. After love-bombing phase, things turned bad, I was never good enough and his bad behaviours were always my fault, never his. He started to compare me to other women, would tell me how I don't look like his type. How his ex was better at keeping the house clean. Would constantly try to ruin my self-esteem. He never EVER complimented me after those first 6 months. I'm so angry at myself for staying in this relationship so long.

[@joanne7533]

I am in the process of leaving a covert narc. Hope I am strong enough !

[@melissaclemons9003]

Joanne you can do this I did it I’m here for u

[@joanne7533]

@@melissaclemons9003 thank you.

[@rachel243]

You can do it!! Stay strong!

[@PennyJackson123]

Same

[@breannamarie5072]

Don’t fall for their mind games and don’t second guess yourself! Stay focused and stand your ground!

[@uh3696]

You can't put a timeline. A narc can start acting out after 6 months. And even then, the red flags show up all the time.

[@ferraripure9970]

But she's talking about people with very bright lights !! The better of a person you are the longer they can hold their mask.

[@claudiacastillo5898]

My ex narc took 1.5 years to love bomb me, and only after then he showed his true colors, and veeery slowly. Now, a decade later I am barely finding he was a narc!

[@rlm9898]

@@ferraripure9970 That's not true. The brightness of a person has nothing to do with when the mask falls. Mine dropped his on several occasions just during the first year then kept the mask off almost continuously, with a total turnaround every couple of weeks that lasted maybe 2 days when he was sweet, then mask off again. Didn't matter whether I myself was full of goodness and light or a sociopath myself. They are what they are. This speaker putting these super long timelines of 15 years, 20-24 years, WHAT? it can be a few weeks or months. They have to keep the mask on long enough to get what they want from you, and when you're committed fully so that you won't be willing or able to walk out easily.

[@ferraripure9970]

@@rlm9898 it does because the better supply you are the slower they are to burn 🔥 you

[@jameygormanjr5908]

Took 2 months for mine

[@karanfield4229]

This is me. Oh noooo. I'm such a rescuer. Iv been paying his doc bills, rent, food, wine, clothes, for years. He says he's too broke to cope. I'm going no contact, day two. Every time I weaken, I binge watch this. It helps like a dose if medicine. And the whole time iv been in this, something's off. Never felt quite right. My intuition I guess. Yes, I totally pamper him, and its never reciprocated. My dad was similar. Healing starts......you clever lady. Thanku.

[@angelawatts260]

Survivor of 3 consecutive narc relationships which totals 20 years of my life. I've experienced 3 different kinds of narc and I can say without a doubt the covert is the worst because they are the most subtle to start with. Mind mash. Just realized I've been in a covert narc relationship after an 8 year rollercoaster ride. Let the healing begin. Again!

[@stonedbunny5721]

You poor woman. My sympathy. (Don’t waist any more years!) I’ve had similar luck, but for F sake. I’d rather be single then do that again! Just learning that the person I slept with & took care of scored very high on the unofficial covert narc test I took for her. 😱 The lies, cheating & using; is their anything more to these vampires?

[@carlottaventi9556]

So funny, that I always felt light, love, joy and freedom - just not when I was around the narc I was with. When I was with him, I felt bad guilty and depressed. And not once it crossed my mind, that it´s not because of me but because if him.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I totally relate Carlotta. I'm so happy you are able to see things more clearly now. xx

[@karanfield4229]

Carlotta Venti Me too. I get so excited to see him, and then it spirals Down into anxiety. I thought it was me too. May all yr traffic lights be green, Carlotta, my compassion is with you!!

[@carlottaventi9556]

Ya, when we´re happy, they get unhappy and want to make us unhappy. It´s really very sad actually. Thank God I´m not with him anymore. Much love to you!!

[@pixie8361]

Yes!

[@torrihoward9729]

Because they Live off chaos and all negativity!

[@suzylogan3524]

Yep the fifteen year timeline fits. At eighteen I tried to confront it. At twenty I got him to leave! 3 and a half years into the divorce now. Determined to get my life back. Living by the sea now and painting and teaching art.

[@RAP-qb6cy]

Suzy Johnson omg PLEEEEASE tell me how u got him to leave!!!!

[@torrihoward9729]

Praise GOD 🙏💕💪

[@JennySieck]

Beautiful!

[@kendradamm1428]

You go, guuuuurl!! 🙌🏻💕💪🏻💪🏻

[@incisiveshadow5593]

How do people last 25 years? I went through the entire cycle in 3 months and that was enough abuse for me for an entire lifetime!

[@debbiemirza1744]

the more covert, the longer the abuse lasts because it's so subtle

[@tenialspencer3563]

Me too

[@LethalWeapon73]

27 for me thinking he'll change. We have 4 kids now grown and he's in one mood one day and another mood next. I've been so dumbfounded for all these years

[@JoeVolz]

30 for me. They're all on a spectrum somewhere. She walked out on me cold as ice like I was yesterday's garbage to her affair partner, moved right in with him.

[@BinaBina221]

Omg this is crazy cuz it’s comin up on the 15 year mark and it’s breaking down more and more! When you said 15 years I got chills! 😱😳😞

[@torrihoward9729]

Make a plan 🙏💕 I'm sorry it's not going to get better. He'll even pretend to want to change when he sees you're serious about letting go. That'll last a few weeks, Going through a HONEYMOON PHASE 😧 That's want it'll feel like.

[@conqururfear]

@@torrihoward9729 I’m 50 years old I was with mine from May 2008 until August 2020 when she ghosted me

[@jamesjosephwaskiel1841]

Accurate and precise! Thank you very much for your gift of showing me I am not alone

[@haddienuff3158]

I am just finding your videos and OMG! You cannot imagine how much this is helping me! The timeline you talked about was spot on in my case. I have now been with my spouse for 24 years as of July. I started noticing my perfect, comfortable relationship changing around the 10-15 year mark. OMG! Sending you love and hugs and many thanks!

[@steejayk]

15 years mark? my god.. I had 9 months of it and had to exit.

[@Mysicalgreenunicorn03]

I exited mine around the same time but I’m still not over it

[@zentient8840]

Try 25 years 😒

[@rlm9898]

I don't see how anyone can last this long! 15 years?? 25 years? 35 years? How?! I was contemplating divorce after only 2 years, actually crazy stuff started at 3 weeks after wedding date, I was thinking and thinking and adding it all up, while we were on a vacation no less, until when he hurt me so badly, so coldly, and when I asked if he had ANY remorse or apology at all for what he did, did he care at all how I, his wife, FELT and how his actions HURT his wife, He just stared at the tv, away from me, and said to the effect of "No. who cares, ....you'll get over it." "You'll get over it" was his go-to response when caught in a lie or betrayal. I knew then and there, that he doesn't care how I feel, EVER, never did, all kindness previously portrayed was all an act, and he is never apologetic for the pain HE HIMSELF creates in me and his children, needlessly. Oh well. Nothing I can do. I realized I was completely alone in the marriage, and that he hurt me simply for his enjoyment and entertainment, made him feel powerful apparently. He actually smirked in satisfaction when his outrageous statements hurt me badly. I saw a look of pride and victory, like "Ah, That got her good. I did great!!" The reality was that the drama, turmoil, and upside-down, wrong -is- right, no boundaries, sexual perversion, pedophilia, porn, no human empathy, pain is "fun" to him. And he is sadistic, perverted, and evil. I filed for divorce the next day. I knew then and there!! That if I am completely alone in a marriage and I am the receiver of intentionally caused pain, atrocities and pathological lying, all for his fun and never remorse, that I must leave. It would be 2 more years after the divorce, before I discovered (through online research), that the person I married was a "sociopath". One of the most extreme levels of overt narcissism. Save yourselves. Get out as SOON AS YOU SUSPECT.

[@jameygormanjr5908]

Same

[@darylbeiler3012]

Absolutely spot on! Your videos have been so helpful in my healing from 36 yrs of covert narcissism!!!

[@livingforfree2]

They crush your spirit. Started around the area 15 mark.the rage but I think prior to that I was dealing with his depression but didn't know what I was dealing with. They shape-shift.

[@torrihoward9729]

What do you mean by"the 15 area mark"?🤔

[@MsJoanieg]

@@torrihoward9729 I think she meant the 15 year mark.

[@wakeup721]

Nancy happycamper .....oooooo shape shifter, yes 100%.

[@seabreeze8894]

What’s painful is to realize these people never loved you. I’m six months out of my 2 covert all-my-life family relationships, and I’m still kind of in shock.

[@westcoastvibes1193]

Sea Breeze 10 months for me. I still can’t believe it.

[@rebekaht3077]

that's what hurts the most. is that the special bond and connection was nothing more than a facade.

[@LethalWeapon73]

27 years for me

[@justinpaiva6162]

@@LethalWeapon73 your not alone 27 years also

[@mariagomez5893]

Yes a million times yes! That’s the most painful thing about being with a narcissist. It was all a lie.

[@floxendoodle942]

Yes, exactly! I always thought I was super close to my mother! It took me until age 55 to learn what NPD is and to realize that it was just me pursuing love from her all these years! I also see now that it was me who had the empathy, light, humor, and kindness. No wonder she was jealous and competitive with me!

[@hollieiriksdottir]

Wow this is crazy. I'm about to hit my 16 year anniversary and we just separated. I've had therapists try to tell me that I don't have problems - HE is my problem and I denied and never went back. Looking back now, I see it.

[@garimaheath]

It was 13 to 16 years in when things went dramatically down. He never gave me his all, or anything really. It was very, very one sided - it was really hanging on to crumbs. No I didn’t get what I gave.

[@porshalynn1733]

Same here

[@captaint1180]

My aunt would be like “You need to reach out more!!” “We never hear from you!!” …but I don’t ever hear from them. Do they not know that the phone works both ways?

[@Suzu52]

Thinking I was "so lucky" is what got me into and staying in a long marriage ,which in actuality held nothing for me .And as you said, as soon as you start getting stronger, they are out the door.weak people. P.s....oh yes, he made sure to make tropical drinks for my girlfriends, and rushed from the holiday table to do the dishes so they would remark how "lucky" I was...I would beat myself up because I would think"he s so great, everyone thinks that, why are you so unhappy? well, might have something to do with he was completely unavailable emotionally,, physically disinterested in me sexually, secretive, lied by omission, didn't TALK to me, wasn't interested in MY dreams at all......it's amazing what you can make excuses for when you are in denial......he had me snowed, still has everyone else snowed....

[@miraclewarner7215]

Almost exact same story for me!!!

[@kathiejl1]

Ditto to all!

[@SusanBame]

Fascinating. It wasn't me who noticed it, it was my colleague who'd call me and line up freelance court reporting jobs for me who would call my house, talk to my husband, and noticed that he started complaining about me. She told me about it. This was at the time when I'd started back to school, working on a master's degree, and we'd been married 20 years by that time. The closer I got to graduation, we both noticed then, the more threatened he felt, apparently, and the more negative his comments about me to her became. I realized I **had** to get out as soon as possible the day he told me to my face, while holding the phone with one of my thesis interviewees on the other end of the phone, that he could just hit me right now. He'd never said anything like that to me at any point during our relationship, and he'd never hit me. But I realized through listening to thousands of stories in court that when someone thinks it, and then says it, eventually they do it. I decided that I still loved and appreciated him for being the father of our children and that relationship would always be there, and I did not want to force him into the role of now becoming "spouse abuser." So I instantly started planning my departure. It took months. And of course **I** had to be the one to leave, because he needed to remain looking Saintly in the eyes of our community. After I left we went into marriage counseling for 3 1/2 years. Finally when the therapist and I both saw that he did not hear me, and more than that, **could** not hear me, he was unable to hear me, never did hear me or see me as a real person who had any reality other than as an extension of him, that's when I had to make the decision: stay, remain in this paradigm as his "thing", obey him, which to him meant to go back to the 17-year-old I was when we met, or continue with my spiritual growth and change, take care of myself, and leave. I've made it through. That was 2001, when I left. It hasn't been easy. I wouldn't be here today, I'm sure of it, if I'd stayed in the relationship. I would have either contracted a terminal illness and died, or killed myself outright. Choosing to stay in that relationship would have been choosing a death sentence. So, your timeline was exactly on target for me. 20 years was 1998, the year I started my master's program. By 2002 I'd graduated, separated from him, and we were in marriage counseling. All in all we were technically married 25 1/2 years before the divorce decree was final. What helped me heal: a dog. He showed me the love. Real love. He brought me back to life. I've never been without a dog since.

[@ThePowerAndControlWheel]

My ex partner left her husband after 24 years. At 15 years she decided to have another baby because she thought it would help the relationship. She said to me that she never loved him, but was with him because he was kind .. 24 year marriage and three kids!! Only with him because he was kind!! Also, my ex wife, I left her after being with her for 15 years .. it was devastating to do that, especially because it hurt the children so much, and oh my goodness the pain, physical pain. But I had to do it, I was dying inside and the finances were wrecked, and it seemed that nothing I did had any value or anything being built on. Financially it was like pouring money into a sink. Couldn't just enjoy being 'dad', I was guided and told how to be and what to do and, well, the 'gift' of being a dad I just was not able to enjoy it as any parent is supposed to, like figuring things out, being able to use my initiative, being on the same page as wife, buying things for the kids without needing approval of choice or purchase .. couldn't enjoy any of that, it didn't happen. Like others here, I could go on and on and on. I'm now battling my 22 year old son who is showing very strong narcissistic traits. Nothing you do for any of them is of any value. They want a relationship where it's just fun and we're always happy and joyful and not bringing them down when we're struggling or ill or worried etc. Yes, the timing seems spot on. I left my last partner after 5 years of 15 discards and .. I can't even call it 'heartbreak' .. it was more like 'soul break' .. absolutely wasn't there when I needed, hurt me so much, nothing I did was ever good enough, I truly truly gave my heart to her and she knew about my ex wife relationship .. they 'empathise' with you at first, then turn it all against you, even said "I'd love to talk to your ex wife about you, I'd learn so much, and I can relate to why you made her feel so uneasy" .. yeh, I bet she can relate!!

[@nickbargas7352]

Debbie, you are very authentic and beautiful with an inner light that shines very bright. Your words of wisdom are spot on.

[@debbiemirza1744]

Thank you Nick!

[@trhair1]

You are spot on it is right around the 15 year mark. I divorced a covert narc and in my experience that is when you have exhausted all options and you start searching for the route cause to all of the problems your having. This is so true. I divorced at 23 years wow it is scarily accurate.

[@jangandy1709]

So true. I split up with the Narc after 17years. But yes, the mask slips after about 15 years.

[@LauraLMcneil]

Unbearable at 15, years, separated at 23 years, divorced at 25 years. Your explanation is SOOOO accurate.

[@brettneuberger6466]

Holy cow! You just blew my mind with those stats. I recently divorced my wife after 24 years of marriage. We started having major issues 8-9 years ago (right around the 15 yr mark) when I started asserting my voice again. I can’t even begin to describe the crazy since then, particularly these last two years. Everything...and I mean everything...you discuss, I’ve experienced. I’m still trying to put my life back together, but I’ve learned sooo much about myself through this ordeal that I’m convinced it’s what I needed in order gain the insight. It’s just too damn bad that I’m such slow learner, or that my ego had such a firm grip on me that I needed to experience this the hard way. Oh well...such is life; we all have to learn this stuff eventually, right? Thanks so much for your work!

[@debbiemirza1744]

That is amazing Brett! Thank you for sharing.

[@robinrevell5873]

brett neuberger I'm in "the process" of getting out of Dodge after 32 years!! The marriage was never, ever fulfilling or happy but around year 25 it really started to fall apart. #1 reason is that I got so tired of the one-sidedness of the relationship and he was having none of that. Any push back gets one of a variety of responses...gaslighting, denial & boldface lying, stonewalling, but almost always includes days or weeks of the silent treatment. I have wasted so much time in my life and it's really a sad reality I've had to face.

[@porshalynn1733]

It was around year 15 for sure. I was out by. Yr 16

[@alanaelliot1074]

I was love bombed in the begining all via messaging. It was a red flag I ignored. Intuition told me it wasn't right , I ignored it Then the silence began he barely looked at me always on his phone. Came out with alsorts or uneccesary things. Left me confused always wanting to question why he said such things. Everytime I'd bring things up it was because I was unsure he always ignored it and eventually withdrew looking back I feel he saw me as a threat I am highly independent and caring woman always giving love. He suppressed it with his actions. The last time I saw him I hadn't seen him in 9 weeks I took him out for a meal and in the restaurant he told me that my jeans were tight and I was hanging . I laughed it off at the time then a couple days later texted him told him I loved my figure and I'd not be disrespeced like that ... His response "you are confused" That was it for me and adding up all the other things that had been Said I wrote him a card told him I wished him well and that I hope finds his perfect woman.

[@emiliaa6175]

Whoa, you literally hit the mail on the head…I noticed that when he was struggling I was always there for him, giving my all to help him and encourage him. I went through a hard time recently and he had no regard or care, it was very hurtful. He showed no empathy, encouragement, he was just worried about playing his guitar on stage and didn’t care if I went to church or not. He showed his true colors, and I’m able to see more clearly what soulless creature I have been married to. Pretty horrifying, actually.

[@pixie8361]

The timeline of my marriage fits this pretty closely, only I stayed for 31 years, just waiting for my youngest son to go off to college. 😕 I’m just now in the process of getting a divorce.

[@torrihoward9729]

Praise GOD 🙏🤗

[@Moonbunny55]

Pixie Me as well minus the child going off to college. 🙃

[@robinrevell5873]

Me too. 32 years and I waited for my kids.

[@gracewright7938]

I see that light in other people's eyes when they see me. Just even opening the door at the Deli, when they hold the door. You are right Debbie.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I love that you see that light in others eyes when they see you! Thank you for sharing that Grace! xx

[@odette8905]

Wow Debbie. As always, you totally get it all from the inside out. You speak the language that so many do not understand (that we didn't ourselves understand until we began to slowly learn and realise it). You are a shining light and an angel. Thank you!

[@debbiemirza1744]

Thank you Odette! xxxx

[@JillyBeann77]

I am mind blown and have realized I am married to someone like this. I am drained, exhausted and have lost my joy...I have left once n returned with a promise of change...I have now have three children and without a vehicle..,I’m unsure of what to do n where to go...I’m ready to be free!!

[@karo1564]

Absolutly true! I am wondering if there are any "normal"- not high problematic men still existing somewhere. I got very disillusioned after the last 2 soulcrushing and heartbreaking relationsships.

[@debbiemirza1744]

There definitely are. I know some and they are beautiful men with genuine hearts. But I totally understand the disillusionment. I hope some wonderful, good hearted men come into your life at just the perfect time. xx

[@Raven4508]

Karen, it sounds like you need to take time to heal. I split with my covert narc nearly 5 years ago, and I haven't had a relationship since, because I have got CPTSD, and I have just finished domestic abuse counselling. I am happier whilst I am healing , I don't need a partner, and I will when I am ready... not telling you how you should run your life, but we all need time to breathe. x

[@karo1564]

Raven4508 - thank you for your comment. I am definitely not a relationship- hopper. Now I am 2 years out and single, and feeling good and confident again. I overcame the Cptsd, but I lost my hope and rosy color glasses towards men and the world in general. Maybe I was before too positive and delusional, because I concluded that most people are straight and honest like I am, and that's unfortunately not the case.

[@karo1564]

Lisa C- Now 2 years after the break-up I noticed that my taste, which men are attractive for me, totally changed. From time to time I spot or meet somebody (at work usually) that radiates kindness, clarity and positivity. But they are always married ... but it gives me a spark of hope. I thought I 'll never be attracted to anybody ever again.

[@nisreen]

Please Debbie, I beg you to do the video you mentioned about how the NARC is good with his kids, because it drive me crazy, I'm sure that he doesn't love any one but himself.

[@breannamarie5072]

My father acted like he was a good person while my mom was dating him and right after they got married he was the total opposite. My mom is getting a divorce after 27 miserable years.

[@petersz98]

I couldn’t put up with one of these crazy people for five minutes so I don’t know how people cope with them for years!

[@debbiemirza1744]

When they are very covert, you often don't see it for years, sometimes decades.

[@cathy-ud5ed]

@@debbiemirza1744 40 years and then I clicked..Everything you have said confirms it..I think I truly woke to him when at my lowest ever he turned on me..Then all of a sudden the pieces started to fit. Everyone else thinks he's a lovely guy and I'm the one whose over reacting..Oh he's very clever at making me look irrational. In some ways I wish I hadn't clicked..now at my age I have to rethink everything and it's so confusing

[@Suzu52]

@@debbiemirza1744 especially when you have low esteem and are co dependent, it's very easy to be convinced we are the defective one.......

[@davidtucker4676]

I have recently learned about the covert narcissist and now it all makes sense. My sister is a covert narcissist and has been very abusve to me for years... I thought she was bipolar... what gets me is that I find it hard to explain this to others... that someone and in particular a sibling can be so full of hate and rage! Thank you Debbie... I will definitely be reading your books and following your channel!

[@adamh9271]

@Debbie Mirza First let me thank you so much for your book. I discovered it early 2018 and that was the answer to what I have been struggling with in my marriage. You saved my sanity yet still in the relationship because we have a young son. Please do another video on parenting with a young child. She was a great mom when he was very little, still a terrible partner but good with our son. Now my son just turned 4 and when I talk to him about his day or try and see what he enjoyed most about the day he ignores the question until I encourage him to talk about it. Then he gets a sad look on his face and says "why is momma working all the time, why is she ignoring me, why is momma so mean to me?" I'm heart broken and try to validate his feelings letting him know I'm a safe, secure, stable support for him and I understand exactly what he is feeling. The thing is my wife is a stay-at-home mom that doesn't want a job and doesn't do or help around the house at all. She just stays in the spare bedroom where she sleeps watching movies and tv shows on her phone "working" on her art that she wants to do. Anytime we are together as a family she has her ear buds in so there is no talking with her (which is actually more peaceful anyway). I'm just not sure how to protect my son's development and feelings. Any advice short of divorce would be helpful. A divorce may happen but not while he is young. Thank you so much for all of your books. I have and refer back to them often usually listen to them while I'm alone in my car. You are a gift from God.

[@denisedevoto2834]

When I was down and struggling, he was really angry.

[@DocFJB]

Oh em geeeee.... he totally dimmed my light and the minute his mask fell off, he choked me and told me to get fucked... never spoke to me again! The most confusing and heart wrenching thing I have been through, I even begged publicly for him to speak to me 🤦🏽‍♀️ Now that I have recognized he is a covert Narc, it’s helped me move on!! It makes sooooooooo much sense and having an explanation is the closure I needed! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ you’re videos are so helpful!!! Thank you!!!

[@stonedbunny5721]

No reciprocation!

[@janethomas78]

i no longer try-- I no longer attend to any of my relatives. I am no going to be kicked by them any longer-- I feel sorry for all of them.

[@monalisa2662]

Wow! So grateful there are others who understand the devastating affect of living with a Covert Narcissist. The challenge I have now is where do I go from here? We have 8 children together and have been married for 25 years. I feel my husband has systematically soured his family and our son together against me so I always look like the "bad guy". I feel such peace and joy when I am away from him and out of his line of fire. Thank you Debbie for being a light (speaking about light) at the end of the tunnel and giving me hope. My husband never asks me questions. He makes inaccurate assumptions and when I do try to talk he asks: "why is it always about you?" which dumbfounds me because I am not a selfish person. Until yesterday, before I found this... I did think I was going crazy. I have had many years of "the dark night of my soul" already. What I would like to really know is this... are covert narcissists able to change?

[@Moonbunny55]

Mona Lisa Emphatic NO! They don’t change. As a matter of fact they worsen with age! In the process of divorce after 33 years of marriage, separated the last 6. The last six years he really showed his true colors. I stayed for the children and TOTALLY regret it. Contemplate a plan to leave now. Sometimes it takes a while to put it all together. The plan will become your anchor of hope for when the time comes that he tries to crush your soul for good. You’re worth WAY more than that 💕

[@rachel243]

Absolutely not. Educate yourself, get support and get out

[@robinrevell5873]

@@Moonbunny55 Yes, I'm at 32 years and the past 5 or 6 years have been especially miserable. And you're so right, they really only get worse with time and age. I cannot stress that enough.

[@truelove7407]

You nailed it!

[@marcremillard4052]

My dog watched this and now he says my wife is a narcissist.

[@john7148]

He's not man's best friend for nuthin' 😉

[@webeducation]

Seems she tried. Everything loving seemed like it took so much effort. Felt like I was in a relationship by myself. You could feel the cold. If I got sick, then later that day or the next, all of a sudden she has an ailment that has been bugging her. Empathy from her seemed like such a bother. She would do it, but you could almost sense a bit of resentment. Each time I showed love or did anything for her, it was quickly forgotten. Each time we did something, it had to be "what we did before" + 1 . Always had to up the experience. And when I ran into financial trouble getting a place for us to live and get married, she got really resentful because we couldn't do as many fun things.

[@AhsanKhan-eo8dv]

I was in a relationship with a narcissist and it all ended in 1.5 months.

[@mohamedabib0]

Yup

[@puresoul1368]

Its kind of true around14/15 yrs is when I started realizing the relationship was becoming more and more difficult, and he was becoming very distant, openly relating with women. He dint want intimacy, the silent treatment became more pronounced tho I dint know what it was then. I think his mask was off and he dint care anymore. During that time I was so frustrated one time I heard a voice tell me to leave. So yea its us who maintaine the relation and its about them, you cater to them and they do nothing in return in terms of caring. They always are playing victims pretending to be unwell but they hate it if you are the one needing their attention. I became seriously ill thats when my search began of really understanding this individual. The condition has prevented me from exiting and other logistics that am unable to resolve. Am in prayers.

[@billrymes6682]

The timeline that you mentioned describes my situation. We've been together for 21 years, but its always been a steady decline.

[@daringgreatly8473]

This is my mother in law! My husband was the light, joy and goodness growing up and he always saw the glass half full. But reflecting back as an adult he sees how it was all one sided. He has good memories because he was good and he brought positivity in every situation. As an adult he sees it clearly though. No matter what hubby goes through his mom is mentally and emotionally absent. When I broke my foot she never cared, my grandma passed away she didn't say anything. My hubby had a mental break down as a young adult because he was being bullied and overwhelmed by his dad and bro and all his mom could do is throw her shoes at him and tell him to shut up. She just doesn't care! She also plays games! I would love to see a video on the scheming and game playing of these covert narcs! The stories we could tell 😩😩😩 but hubby and I always look crazy because most ppl do not understand covert aggression.

[@CeliaSasser]

Wow! I just celebrated by 25th anniversary and I am an empath. Just recently with the eclipse season I have been shown that my husband is a covert narcissist. I am so blown away that I was not aware. I have been doing the inner work and have surrendered to spirits guidance. This guidance has led me to work with women, but I had know idea it was me who needed the healing from a narcissist.

[@aclaar877]

The 15-year point...wow...I'm at 17 years and figuring it out. Tired, drained, losing myself, always emotionally off-balance.

[@darlalong3097]

Reading "Becoming" and an excerpt "If your judging a person from the outside in, your going in the wrong direction"

[@HealandInspire]

36 years Married to one. I have no energy left. Filed for divorce finally.

[@julianaguilar8434]

So calm and confident. I appreciate your knowledge and energy you bring to these concepts of human connection.

[@debbiemirza1744]

Thank you!

[@julianaguilar8434]

@@debbiemirza1744 Sending harmony your way 😌

[@Lol-cd4ii]

This was put perfect my ex of 3 years is a covert narc. Always the victim everything was my fault no accountability of her actions but mainly victim status and very thin skinned. No deep emotional connection no deep intimacy no nothing. Very Ill ppl

[@Sunshine_str]

my covert husband did give support emotionally but only when i complained about his lack of empathy. Now that i started to ask for my independence, he went back to his old ways. That can seem to change but their core personality won't. When things happen where they won't benefit from it, they won't be there for you.

[@miraclewarner7215]

Mine never wants to spend time with me and has every excuse to get out of it. If he does spend time he either falls asleep while it’s happening or pick a time when our special needs son is awake and making lots of noise so that way the time we spend is sure to be disrupted and he’ll have an excuse. Then if he gives me maybe an hour of time he brags like he cured cancer because he’s trying “so hard “. Am I that much of a bore that he has to psych himself up to be around me??? When I tell him it’s normal to spend time with your wife and not go in another room for 12 straight hours. He’ll keep asking what time it is like he can’t wait to get away from me. If we didn’t have a son together (whom he loves to be around) and who’s more than I can handle alone, I would have left a long time ago. I feel so unloved and unwanted and like a burden every day. I wish I lived near MY family who does love me and enjoy my company but with COVID and many other things going on I haven’t seen them in 2.5 years. Sometimes I pray I don’t wake up because I’m tired of feeling isolated and lonely and I know my son would be loved and cared for. Just not me. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@lc-bb6bd]

That time line was right on the money with my marriage. The 15 year mark things changed. He walked out in November at the 24 yr mark. Wow. Thank you

[@uknpdsurvivor660]

Could the 15 year mark also be age related? As in the covert narcissist hits middle aged and supply declining. The biggest clue is if you're googling to find out why the relationship is going wrong...I felt confused, felt drained and started to have physical symptoms of stress as each interaction was so difficult. Our relationship only worked if I gave up my needs however I also has to perform (job, activities) so that I was adequate supply.

[@sgildeasg]

OMG add me to the list. Yes my time line was the 15 yrs and Bingo at 24 years of marriage , the divorce.🔎

[@loveystar78cloud46]

For me the covert narcissist was my sister. We are half siblings that weren't raised together, but established a relationship in our teens. And everything Debbie said was 100% true. The relationship was completely one-sided, and I always felt drained after talking to her. I never got what I gave, and since I'm a giver by nature I didn't notice that there was no reciprocity. And it was around the fifteen year point that things did get difficult, and I made excuses for her and was just trying to be patient. Around the 23 year we got into an argument, basically because I finally stopped having mercy on her. I didn't talk to her for months and I felt great. It has been almost three years an guess what? I feel excellent. She has been calling and calling and I have refused her calls, and will continue to do so.

[@teresatrimm2454]

My ex called me stupid and an idiot for not having the same opinion as him. He took me from my family and even though we are not together he still calls me names in front of our daughter. He says my opinions are stupid because he is smarter than me.

[@stellar52]

Staying with someone like this for decades? I'm a survivor of narc parents, sexual abuse, raised my kids alone, been working my whole life, have various traumas, Fibromyalgia, I've had a BPD, am hypersensitive and introverted. And amazingly resilient. My relationships were of course never easy but still quite normal and happy. My covert narcissist ex who isn't even capable of cleaning his place, getting along with his money, a desperate porn addict, has made me want to commit suicide after just two years. I couldn't leave, felt so sorry for him, though only I gave and he only took

[@lifegratitude7264]

Thank you for all of your work, you've really helped me with what I've gone through.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so happy to hear that Debbi! You are so welcome! And might I say, you have a beautiful name! :-)

[@fightqueen9974]

That timeline is completely accurate for me. 100%.

[@vernetta111]

I read your book in 2 days then re read it again it explained so much about the covert narc i encountered for only 6 months, but it was 6 months of pure hell im so glad i glad your book so i could understand what the heck happened to me the silent treatment he gave me was unbearable every part of the book was him and made sense especially the sex part 😢 thank you so much Debbie ❤ it has helped me so much

[@pamicampbell4265]

You're absolutely right. It was around the 15th yr that shit started happening. And I'm divorcing him in our 24th yrs of marriage. We unfortunately went threw our 25th year anniversary, separated...

[@Jkl306]

Yep I'm tapping out .. These people are psychos

[@hiverhythm]

Actually they're covert narcissists

[@gabriellmills9173]

I really like your videos.. I was only in a relationship with a covert narc for a few months. Thanks to a loving support group and family I was able to get out

[@RAP-qb6cy]

This is me 100% 15 year marriage it will be 16 here very soon I have already met with an attorney but I am trying to Greyrock method hoping he will initiate because as you know if you discard first it will make your life a living hell I already tried separating last year he scared the ever loving baJesus out of me so I halted everything hoover lasted a couple months went right back to the expected cycle. at this moment I’m just playing the waiting game and my life coach who is experienced in narcissism is walking me through it don’t want to say where I live but there are plenty of beautiful shallow women here that he can choose for supply. he’s never hit or cheated but I’m really hoping he latches onto a new supply and the discard happens soon I still have things to do to get my ducks in a row though so I can wait another couple of months luv u Debbie!!!

[@holdmie4ever]

What i notice is that he seems to be always full of hatred. The covert narc is very unpredictable that me and my kids are always on the fight or flight mode. Ive just finally discovered his being covert narc after 35 yrs of our marriage and they were very tumultous years that almost drove me insane. Thanks for this educational video. Its only that ive heard of this very exact term and know how to deal and what to do. God bless n keep informing the public about this topic. God bless.

[@robinrevell5873]

Ming Ferrer I can totally relate to your, "35 yrs of marriage that were very tumultuous years that almost drove me insane". I am on my way out at 32 years and I just stepped back and see how much havoc this marriage has caused in every part of my life. It's literally affected every single thing.

[@stephanieducharme7990]

Timeline spot on

[@sheilalapointe7828]

15 years, is correct for me! Celebrating 45 days of cov. Narc freedom. I felt he always tried to pry to get my feelings, toward the end, I knew he just wanted the information to use against me later.

[@torrihoward9729]

Exactly 😕

[@robinrevell5873]

Sheila lapointe Classic! Yes! You will learn that if they're acting interested in your feelings (or anyone else's), it's a performance and the information they collect will be stored away in a vault to be used against you in the near future.

[@amg8497]

I did 12 years and that was ENOUGH he was difficult before the end of year one! ... his WIFE left at 10 years .. I should have left within the first year .... the most one sided ever ... I had surgery about a year in and I got home ... I asked him nicely in a loving way if he would mind to lightly clean my bathroom ... like just counter and sink maybe ... WELL WOW ITS LIKE I ASKED HIM TO PAINT THE ENTIRE HOUSE !! He flat out refused to help me with that ... and that has haunted me since it happened .... it has always felt unloving and that kind of thing never goes away ... but unfortunately I did not go away !

[@gracefullygrateful6360]

angela gouldsborough I understand the exaggerated response to requests for assistance. I know now it is a huge warning sign of the 'entitlement' trait. Its like seeing a child pitch a fit about something they don't want to do.

[@robinrevell5873]

I can totally understand. At the birth of my 2nd son, the husband decided he needed to leave and feed the dog. Feeding the dogs and caring for them had been a fight for years, but all of a sudden, in the middle of labor, he suddenly cared about the dog. Then postpartum depression set in that was not present after baby #1. I might as have been on a deserted island. It's also been this way regarding any illness over 32 years. His famous saying when someone else is sick is, "Rub some dirt on it". Meanwhile, his headache is life or death.

[@juliecapper7637]

This book changed my life my jaw hit the floor when I read it, it was like it was written about my ex husband, it helped me understand so much after 20 years with a covert narcissist, thankyou for saving my sanity debra

[@juliecapper7637]

Sorry debbie x

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so happy to hear it helped, Julie! xxxx

[@gladysclansy8474]

That’s pretty much my timeline. Very on point.

[@SHimes66]

Omg it fits my timeline perfectly! I left him the first time at 15 years (and yeah I’ve mentally kicked myself in the pants many times over the decision to go back to him believe me! But I didn’t know about narcissism at all. I was gaslighted to heck and back. I’m done kicking though!! I deserve better!) and we divorced at 25 years. Although the difficulty started not long after we were married to be honest :/

[@catbee1452]

Oh, you mean the one sided relationship like when your wife ends up in ICU and respiratory arrests twice and your husband doesn't come to the hospital to be at your side because he has a "cold"? Or the husband who knows you are depressed (because I literally shared this with him on several occasions) and he just watches you cry each morning white he sits there silently and stares at you?

[@shesaid8494]

Married for 9 years and dated on and off for six! About fifteen years! That’s spot on for me!

[@jerrys13]

Like a lot of people, I never knew I was with a narcissist until after the divorce/discard, because I knew nothing about narcissism. Btw, mine lasted 10 years.

[@torrihoward9729]

Mine lasted 18+; I didn't know what having Boundaries meet 😣

[@Juliannarvivas]

The guy I’m talking to seemed very genuine and that’s how i fell in love with him he said his wife cheated on him and she left kind of disappeared on him for a while and that’s why he hadn’t gotten a divorce because he couldn’t get a hold of her but they are separated so I decided to continue talking to him he told everyone he had a 4 yr old daughter who died in a car crash but I found his wife’s fb and turns out the “dead daughter” is very much alive and not even his biological daughter it’s just his step daughter and I caught him texting other girls and he Denys it even when I show him the evidence of it he was in the military he claims he has diagnosed depression/ anxiety /PTSD& adhd but I’m sure adhd wouldn’t make you lie to the extent he has I’m so confused to what he has because it sounds like he has both narcissism and bpd or im confused because he can apologize but he blames me for it so it’s like ??? His lies sound so honest lol he blocked me everywhere except on a game we play and he sends me gifts on the game and I’m sure it’s to get my attention the reason he blocked me was because I told him I know all the truth (I told him I know his daughter doesn’t exist) he never replied but he still sends me gifts on the game I send them back to him because I’m not mad at him for being sick with this mental illness if he has it but I wanna see what he has to say (I told him I wouldn’t question him) but idk

[@anaedwards6341]

Yes do a video on the parenting .

[@rachel243]

I love you Debbie Mirza (the real love). Thank you for sharing with the world a book that opened my eyes to what’s really going on. I will forever be grateful 💕

[@debbiemirza1744]

Oh wow! Thank you for this amazing, heart-felt message Rachel! This lifted my spirits reading your loving words and feeling your sincerity. You are SO welcome! xxxx

[@Troyster94806]

My experience was a little different and perhaps more educational because of it. I knew my narc for about 11 years as just a friend. I'm not sure exactly what I had done, but she suddenly became pretty interested in seeing me. I didn't really give it much thought at the time, but looking back, it was right after she observed me attempting to be helpful and generous with someone needing a place to live, but was taken advantage of. I think that was the blood that attracted the shark, so to speak. My narc suddenly was seeing me often. I didn't even realize it was happening at first. She was very helpful. She would fix me a lunch for work. She would actually pay my way at restaurants. She asked lots of questions. She was very competitive. Somewhat of a judgemental goodytwoshoes, and a church regular. All the warning signs just seemed like minor personality flaws. So, after being her friend for 11 years, she became more interested and more or less love bombed me for about 7 years. Within that 7 year span, she did ghost me once, for about 4 months, but I just ignored it because she wasn't my girlfriend or anything. So by now, I feel like I know her pretty well. I know she's not perfect, but no serious red flags. I remember wondering there toward the end, if she was really as honest as she always claimed she was, so maybe I was getting a little suspicious, but for the most part, I trusted more than anyone else I knew. Her romantic actions toward me seemed a little Hollywood, but I didn't see that as a problem perse. Finally we became physical, and that lasted almost exactly 2 years. Suddenly with almost no warning she ghosted me, and became cold and distant. I say with almost no warning because she did say a few negative things just before, but I wasn't super alarmed because of how long I knew her. When she finally started to ghost me, I just ignored it just like the last time she ghosted me. She called back apologizing, and I didn't make a big deal about it. I could have sworn I heard her say that I was hard to control. She just said that out loud. Well she started to turn up the temp. The cadence of her voice changed, and even the look in her eyes was different. She seemingly had planned things in advance before the ghosting, so that she could plant little seeds in my mind for future torture. She started triggering my temper with remarkable ease. She would call to make plans, getting my hope up, then calling back to cancel. She became what appeared to be manipulation on steroids. At first I was beginning to think she was cheating on me. I really didn't get it. I knew her as a friend long before we became romantic, so I didn't understand why I was suddenly being treated even worse than I was back when we were just friends. Looking back I should have been suspicious of her wanting to kick up the who relationship dynamic, but I had no reason to expect this. Before she turned into this evil Jezebel, I do remember commenting on what I referred to as her other personalities (I saw them as moods), and I mentioned that she never stops when I want to see something at the store, shopping was always about her. She finally admitted that her girlfriends complain about that too. I also asked her why she deserted her omp at such a young age. I was unwittingly asking questions I shouldn't have been. Long story short, she had masked this very ugly person for 20 years, just to spring it on me. I thought I had just opened the book of the undead without reciting the magic password. Finally after 3 months of this, I told her to get lost. It was the only time in my life that I felt relief after a breakup.

[@wildangel4452]

Troy Carpenter wow

[@kendradamm1428]

The timeline DEFINITELY fits

[@eyeoffthetiger2691]

He was very *generous* but now I know it was to keep me in the relationship. He was to good to be true kinda nice...

[@torrihoward9729]

Exactly 👍

[@sheilareynolds3755]

but always made it known he had the final say with the money because he was the " primary moneymaker"

[@p.f.h.2146]

I have a one-sided relationship with my father's side of the family. Never received a present, phone call, or visit even as a child. The only initiation was made by me. I had to learn about my great grandmother's death through a Facebook post on my half-sister's page that my mother saw. And recently, another grandmother, I had to call my half-sister to find out when the funeral was, after she stopped calling with me the day the grandmother died. None of the other family, including my father called to let me know that she was gravely ill. Prior to this, I was NC with them including my half-sister for three years. Looks like I am going NC again with my half-sister, this time permanently.

[@samtonge3403]

Thank you Debbie as my ex has my son I having seen him since Xmas even though we have 50 50 custody...I miss him so much heart is broke I was feeling suicidal and you helped me Debbie I'm crying her and I feel so sad mad angry guilt shame feel not good enough feel like a bad mother as he kept telling I'm a waster no good mother dirty junkie my womb should be removed..my son is my life and my ex tryed to break me cause I want let him control me and he wanted my soul...if it means I can't see my son that's what well have to happen as if I go back to him...I'll feel degraded humiliating

[@jamesjosephwaskiel1841]

Thank you for helping me

[@holographicc6974]

Best Narc demon video so far, you nailed it, Sister!

[@Queenofcups55]

That timeline fits me. Thank you!