Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine

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Contradicting the long-held belief that they would just go off and destroy anyone who tried to mess with them, a Department of Health and Human Services report published Thursday revealed that U.S. males would be on average 4,000 percent less effective in a fight than they imagine.
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[@centrelink6003]

Been boxing since I was a kid. 20 knockouts. And then I eventually won one.

[@mr.ramblast4064]

Lol

[@joshuabeeler1930]

He had us in the first half, ngl

[@loydlondon3205]

Please tell me what happened to the kid you knocked out what became of his boxing career?

[@2tongorilla]

Underated comment

[@ejimmichael5768]

What a legend! 1-20 record. He finally did it.

[@jakerose20]

I could mess up every guy in this video.

[@Gackra]

I could fuck up every single person in this comments section and the video, and still have time to make myself some eggs and bacon. Well, egg whites and turkey bacon, gotta watch my weight. Well I mean not bacon, cause the grease really hurts when I cook it, and maybe not eggs cause the shell has a chance of cutting me.... I mean I don't want to swallow an egg shell.

[@HarrisonRocks]

I could mess up the pair of you, you don't know how much boxing I watch.

[@NoDuhJonah]

I'm one of them. Bring it. :) haha Glad you enjoyed it!

[@StandardGoose]

I'd be like KI-HAI!! And karate chop them so hard.

[@flyingtanks9313]

+Dead_Parade i can fucking eat all of you for dinner

[@Wehdeo]

I love the insinuation that the only way for them to get these stats was to send someone to beat these guys up after they were interviewed

[@enzoh7151]

Lmaao

[@bait5257]

Lmao

[@meco7956]

LOL NICE CATCH

[@ScorpMatoro]

Genius

[@MultiChrisjb]

well how else can you do it?

[@Phil-ui4tm]

It’s good to see the Onion moving away from satire and doing important scientific studies now.

[@triplespamlegend]

Yep!

[@anmol2757]

underrated

[@petitio_principii]

It's a report from the Department of Health and Human Services. The news channels don't do studies themselves, they only report on studies done by scientists. At most they'll do polls.

[@Phil-ui4tm]

@@petitio_principii it’s America’s finest news source

[@TheMilenkata]

That woman voice is like - "Good morning and welcome to the Black Mesa Transit System. This automated train is provided for the security and convenience of employees of the Black Mesa Research Facility personnel. Please feel free to move about the train or simply sit back and enjoy the ride. "

[@charliedsurf1267]

Got in a fight last night. After a couple punches he got pretty scared and almost started crying. He thought he'd killed me.

[@missmcphee8859]

😂😂

[@kermitator8345]

This comment section is npthing but god tier jokes

[@Jafran_Helstorm]

I think it's other way around

[@RedorBlueDaily]

@@Jafran_Helstorm i think you missed the joke buddy but don’t worry you still have time to reevaluate before people r/woosh

[@Jafran_Helstorm]

@@RedorBlueDaily Ironically, It looks like my humor went right above your head, buddy. I was pretending to be serious like him

[@HelixMaster12]

Once had a guy try to mug me, I knew though if I fought him I probably would have killed him so I just gave him my wallet. Money isn’t worth a life.

[@danielmazloum3620]

Exactly

[@j.leonardo260]

I would have finished him off with a spinning back kick that I learned from watching Georges St Pierre

[@ichijofestival2576]

Exactly. I've got the skills of a cold-blooded killer in me, but at heart I'm a pacifist. It is the greatest samurai that let's his sword rust in its sheathe.

[@manayeager1384]

Always keeps two wallet in your person, in case something like that ever happening again.

[@FffffffffffffffffffffffffffffL]

@@manayeager1384 wait thats brilliant. Give the mugger the empty wallet with fake ID and no cash haha.

[@NovatusRSGaming]

Can we just admire that 1/10 of these hypothetical men were able to “tear someone a new asshole” lmao

[@iwbmo]

ah but did it work

[@user-vr1uh2nq7w]

Self inflicted. They tore themselves a new asshole in a freak accident while running away.

[@ohboi2119]

Xra moment

[@coryinthe2499]

@@user-vr1uh2nq7w AHAHAHA

[@bu11ymaguire]

She said fewer than 1 out of 10. Means zero.

[@knock_knock3007]

My friends: "Nice black eyes." Me: "You should see the other guy's fists."

[@captainobvious8037]

There is a lot of truth to it. The most common injury in street fights are broken fingers

[@captainobvious8037]

Or knuckles if you will

[@brrttaa]

Thanks Captain Obvious

[@captainobvious8037]

@@brrttaa My pleasure

[@bulllea]

@@capturedflame try breaking a skull . the pain lasted a year in my case . and I was under 30 back then . this was the first sign that I was experiencing ageing and was already kinda old for that shit . I was like : "damn ! I still have the speed , I definitely have the power , but I'am not Wolverine anymore !!!"

[@revolreggin160]

I'm a legitimately undisputed world-class fighter. I've never lost a single fight in my life. I've never been in one either.

[@revolreggin160]

@Reunite The British Empire R/whooosh

[@aligamiles]

same

[@greatbullet7372]

@Reunite The British Empire winning means no fighting is involved ;)

[@theeguy9022]

@Reunite The British Empire any fight is always a loss because either way 1 is hurt or dead and neither side is right or wrong it is best to avoid all violence

[@ayandragon2727]

The watch Guy Ah yeah, neither side was right or wrong in WW2, the nazis should have just been let be.

[@redking36]

I don’t know why this is on the Onion, this is actually accurate.

[@TheNervousnation]

Prophecy

[@dissturbbed]

Yup

[@autofox1744]

What are you talking about? You say I couldn't take you?! I'll kick your ass! I'll kick anyone's ass!! I'll kick my OWN ass!!!

[@TheNervousnation]

@@autofox1744 I'd like to see you try, punk!

[@tek6423]

And funny

[@aherrns1894]

I once was surrounded by seven guys. Got the shit out of them like in 30 seconds. Of course I am not allowed in retired people centers anymore, but who takes away the dance.

[@petarniciforovic6543]

Same, kindergarden

[@946towguy2]

I was once surrounded by 8 guys. I gave the biggest guy a forearm to the throat and ran like hell. They all got tired out within a mile. I then circled back and slashed the tires on their van.

[@KangazRooBoyz]

@@946towguy2 same but it was their wheelchair tires I slashed

[@bulllea]

I once was surrounded by 7 stray dogs ... I pulled out my leather thick belt and I managed to get out of there ... ALIVE . then ... I have lit a candle at the nearest church .

[@aherrns1894]

@@petarniciforovic6543 You know the feeling then, right? Amazing!

[@kaosone3631]

Got into a fight with this group of guys the other night and I thought they were going to beat me up. Than I realized I have a particular set of skills. I ran cross country

[@rodrigofiallos669]

Then you ran ACROSS town lmao

[@navixaxa5023]

😂😂

[@weedsoldierreal]

The best skill to have in a fight is track and field to get out

[@CH-vv2hr]

Hey you avoid felonies or hospitalization that way. smart move

[@crispypotatoes67]

Ive knocked out 20 people in a fight those 3 year-olds never new what hit them

[@bro26mohw]

Can i got to the kindergarten class with u?

[@anthonyeco440]

#top comment

[@MarkCuda]

Ok, Anakin.

[@edgelord121]

They nevek knew why it hit them either

[@arsalek]

@Rock Ironsides Indeed

[@culwin]

This doesn't take into account internet tough guys. They are probably 8,000,000% less effective than real life.

[@yellowblanka6058]

Easily, though I'd put that number at closer to 12,000,000% less effective.

[@GatsuKS]

They are over 9000!!!% less effective.

[@ashchaya7676]

The difference is that internet tough guys actually know how shit they are.

[@94Newbie]

oh yeah? how about you say that too my face?

[@Power5]

Lets meet IRL or are you just another keyboard warrior? Huh?

[@ETGK]

I punched someone once. I don’t remember why... or what happened... or what they did... or where I was... what I do remember was that the food was surprisingly good, a lot of people say that hospitals have bad food but I was pleasantly surprised.

[@bgos4727]

🤣🤣🤣

[@fishyc43sar]

Underrated af

[@VED110508]

As a 14 year old who spends roughly 60% of my alone time throwing haymakers and uppercuts at invisible foes, this is definitely true

[@theiaraine]

average teenager:

[@martimlopes8833]

I'm 18 and also do that shit, I should really be working on losing my virginity

[@outis439-A]

@@martimlopes8833 *reading the bible

[@phantominway]

Well I'd say your first mistake was throwing haymakers. Those things are weaker and significantly more obvious then regular punches. Uppercuts can do some serious damage if done right but they're also easy to block hence why they tend to be finishers in video games.

[@legendgames128]

The Onion really hit only the truth here.

[@tompenno]

"Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face" -Mike Tyson

[@Bonez0r]

"In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable." -Dwight D. Eisenhower

[@Xezlec]

@@Bonez0r ...the hell does that even mean?

[@Bonez0r]

@@Xezlec it means that things almost never go as expected, but if you've planned ahead you're prepared for multiple scenarios.

[@rustinstardust2094]

"It was when I fought Robin in Steve Lott's apartment. She really offended me and I went BAM. She flew backwards, hitting every wall in the apartment," - Mike Tyson, describing "the best punch I ever threw in my life."

[@SmashLiXs]

fight or flight. i choose flight

[@looz_]

1:18 I'm more impressed by the fact that 5% actually managed to tear someone a new asshole

[@gregledbetter5942]

Amen.. one time I was asleep in jail, in a pod of 80 + inmates... I was awakened by four men attacking me. Thank God I was able to get to my feet, and once engaged in combat maintain on my feet otherwise I would be dead. Long story short I severely f*** up two of them by the time the Corrections Officers barged into the Pod with their bean bag shotguns and dogs... so although there is a little truth to this video which mostly is found in barrooms... the truth is yeah a majority of guys start s*** that they can't finish, in my experience 2 of them punk-ass scrappers got their ass handed to them and had the Corrections Officers not came in all four of them were setting a horrible example for the rest of the pod. Although this video satire the story I just put forth is truth. Fight or flight, when there's nowhere to run you'll impress yourself, either that or you're a pus a bleeding one. So I must be somewhere in that 5% the other 95% are you guessed it pussies.

[@hamzigangur3408]

@@gregledbetter5942 actually they were 6. 2 you F up and 2 trying to calm you down and last 2 fainted from the sight of your vicious attack. Btw i was one of the 80+ inmates 😂😂

[@Cheeseanonioncrisps]

Turns out by random coincidence 5% of the people responding were trained surgeons specialising in proctology.

[@sossiepie2243]

@@hamzigangur3408 coincidence? I think not!!

[@hamzigangur3408]

@@sossiepie2243 it was "sarcasm" becouse hes story was clearly BS

[@josephwinkler4863]

This is why fighters train two months to fight 20 minutes

[@zerc1]

Im a man and never have been in a fistfight in my life since I was a little kid, I also never ran mouth or try to antagonize arguments with others even when i was drunk. I could always talk my way out or run away if I had to. I have no shame in saying I can’t fight.

[@polishguywithhardtospellna8227]

What if you're a natural born killer? You actually don't know 😂

[@cahzinarx904]

As a man you should. You going to run away when rude aquaintances talk down on you? Learn mma and take the time to invest in that skill. Fuck being a man in this society who cant fight.

[@polishguywithhardtospellna8227]

@@cahzinarx904 yup, MMA is so effective 1v5 or 1 v knife to the stomach. There is no telling in a street fight. And every street fighting school will always say:"unless you can't run...."

[@zerc1]

I can’t fight, I will avoid a conflict and put aside my ego. If it becomes a life or death situation and I need to protect myself, I carry a concealed weapon.I’m not a pussy, I just know I can’t fight.

[@lazarblanusa6622]

@@cahzinarx904 depends who are you fighing agaisnt and what are you protecting. Some fights aren't worth it and aren't winnable.

[@neilwagner4100]

"Everybody has a face till they get punch in the plan" -Tike Myson

[@833Rowan]

you have a son named tike?

[@Ryan-br6ic]

@@833Rowan it was a joke if you didn’t get it

[@833Rowan]

@@Ryan-br6ic yea im joking too

[@GianASMR]

lmao

[@bait5257]

Bruh

[@Reviresco]

If a guy ever pulls a gun on you during a fight, simply stick your fingertip into the end of the barrel. If the gunpowder can't get air, the gun can't fire. 100% effective.

[@Yoyothenicedog]

I'd prefer a trusty hurticane, the bullet will simply be too scared to leave the barrel, thus rendering the gun permanently useless.

[@drollfurball2863]

(Mythbusters tested this....)

[@NDOhioan]

It worked for Bugs Bunny.

[@rongusta11]

Didn't I see that in a Jim carry flick? Lol

[@freedustin]

Reviresco this actually works against certain pistols. Not many though.

[@yourfirstsecondlanguage4782]

So true. Doing boxing for years and even competing has actually made me more and more doubtful and questioning of my ability in a ‘real’ fight because I’ve got just a glimpse of the brutality and chaos it can involve. In almost any potential fight situation that didn’t involve protection of myself or someone else, I’d run, even if the odds looked good on the surface

[@god1284]

Yeah this could also go both ways. Since humans naturally aren't meant to fist fight, most untrained guys are horrible at fighting and even with a bit of training, extremely easy to beat. But, you never know who's carrying weapons, who's behind you, the legal trouble you could end up in, what could happen if they landed a lucky shot ect so it's best to stay out of altercations when possible.

[@bendover8897]

@@god1284 we're not?!?!?!..... So what are we supposed to do?? All my life I thought we were giving these natural clubs to fuck shit up.

[@god1284]

@@bendover8897 Nah I gave you guys hands to grab shit and make weapons. In prehistoric and tribal times if you tried to punch predators you’d break your hands. Punching is a thing humans created, it’s not a natural thing.

[@bendover8897]

@@god1284 I was made in the image of GOD. I am an apex predator. I can hurt bears with farts and kill lions with my bare hands. I am unstoppable

[@johnaeryns5364]

(Serious reply) yeah, I will confirm. I'm a serious force in a street fight. I have been in many. So I decided to try my luck in the ring thinking things would translate well. Long story short, they don't.

[@arkhamb]

I was in a to-the-death fight once, boy did I make the other guy pay ....... all my hospital bills.

[@bobdotexe]

I thought the onion was supposed to be satire? is it April fools day?

[@MasterSoko]

You see... satire is when you take some folly, abuse, or shortcoming and ridicule it. In this case, The Onion is making fun of the folly of over confident men. -its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon and as a tool to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in society. ~Wiki

[@thethpian]

Accelerator The joke is that this is an accurate description of reality and therefore not exaggeration thus, not satire. You're welcome.

[@MasterSoko]

Al Brown I agree this is an accurate description of reality and that it is not an exaggeration. However, these points are not required for a piece to be considered satire. It needs only one of 5 characteristics: Humor, irony, sarcasm, exaggeration, or ridicule. This piece contains ridicule, sarcasm, and humor, therefore it can be considered satire. In fact, satire at its basic principal, is used to show the weaknesses or negative qualities of a particular subject in a work, so the fact that everything in this video is true only augments the ridicule.

[@thethpian]

Pedant

[@jelliesdonot]

Not a very original comment on an Onion video.

[@SandroAerogen]

I imagine I can probably take down 100.000 heavily armed spec ops elite soldier with my bare fists, so in reality I can only really take down 2.500 of them.

[@thomas.thomas]

😏smart

[@MrCmon113]

I could take down more, but I don't want to evaporate the atmosphere.

[@yoavravid7893]

Fortunately the statistics have something to tell you

[@ianpgmusicfanfictionart]

Once when I was stomping a scorpion I stomped to hard and created the Sahara desert

[@fabilie8178]

We are still talking averages, right? ... right... ?

[@vladtepes97]

my friend told me a story of a time that he and two friends were accosted by a man who challenged them to a fight. it came down to him choosing which of the three he'd fight one vs one; he picked the smallest guy. what the attacker didn't know was that all three men were kickboxers, and the smallest guy was the instructor.

[@sethleoric2598]

I remember getting into a heated arguement with a thief who was stealing money from my house which eventually evolved into a fight, the guy i was fighting with acted all tough but in the end i hit him so bad that he ended up crying for his mommy. Then our mom came into the room and told us to make up, so i apologized and we hugged. Sorry for hitting your eye little bro, it was an accident.

[@gamingeugenics]

I find urinating wildly in the direction of your enemy will stop most fights before they start. If that doesn't work quickly drop a deuce, bite one end off like a grenade pin and then throw it at them.

[@lightningchegg4823]

Bless you

[@AAhmou]

Actually I thought that throwing some rocks and some pennies before retreating to the most populated place around was a good idea... You bring a whole new way of thinking.

[@tally9542]

People will fight stupid, they won't fight crazy...

[@positrondecay4784]

If you're a woman, through a tampon at them instead of urinating. This technique is most effective if it is freshly plucked from your very own bleeding iron rose.

[@magicjohnson27]

Positron Decay too far

[@Arcsecant]

I read that true Kung Fu is actually mental, not physical, which is good because I haven't spent any time preparing on the physical side of things. In my mind, I'm already a great fighter.

[@Ranstone]

I'll risk being r/wooshed and pray to god almighty you're not serious.

[@blacktrick3029]

Ranstone r/wooosh

[@Ranstone]

@@blacktrick3029 LOL, I just got this reply. I was sick as a dog when I wrote that, and had a high fever. How did I think this guy was serious?!? XD I'm so sorry. XD

[@blacktrick3029]

Ranstone it’s fine👍🏾😁

[@dak_black]

Ranstone I’m fine with that too but did you seriously just XD

[@FLS96]

"Men who were 90% sure they could tear someone a new asshole tended to succeed in fewer than one in 10 fights."

[@IloveItachiandGaaru]

In all honesty, de-escalating the situation before the actual fight starts is almost always the correct way to go. Also, being scared of hurting the other worse than needed is legitimate. Smash a bottle on a guy's head and you're somewhat likely to kill him. Even knocking someone out clean can crack his skull open if he falls down bad. And even without all this, the blunt trauma always has a tiny chance to cause some permanent brain damage.

[@FalseProphetFallacy]

Well, you're obligated to apply the force necessary to defend yourself. If you feel your life is in danger(when getting into street fights you should, there's no guarantee they won't keep hitting you if you fall) you should defend as such.

[@IloveItachiandGaaru]

@@FalseProphetFallacy well yes, but in most developed countries, that's gonna give you a lot of trouble later on. It's hard to prove that you had a reason to think your life was in danger. It might be a mitigating factor in the end, but not enough to let you walk free. Honestly, not that many people you'll fight do want to kill or cripple you, and so if you do that to them...

[@thirsty7281]

To be fair, in their defense you can clearly see the damage they're dealing to the air. Just imagine if that was some other dude now...

[@bobjones2294]

Now that's a lot of damage

[@JoeLoBro]

Imagine if that shit crits

[@thirsty7281]

@@JoeLoBro Might tear a hole in time and space itself.

[@bait5257]

@@JoeLoBro lmao

[@The_Ghost_King]

Come on, seriously? Their breathing might be damaging to the environment, but I doubt it would harm another human that breathes out the same shit they do.

[@BoneBullet]

I like to overestimate my overestimation's that way when you deduct it by 4000% i still turn out an average fighter. I have won exactly 742 fights in my head, it's all about mental preparation. Unfortunately I'm not physically prepared.

[@drollfurball2863]

Ripley: "How many drops is this for you Lt?" Lt: "38" Lt. "...Simulated." Soldier: "How many combat drops." Lt: "Uhh, two. Including this one." ~ Aliens (1986)

[@obiwanfisher537]

Earl would definetly say that irl. Haha.

[@Imi4000]

Hey Earl.

[@JASDKA1]

Don't worry champ.

[@markiyanhapyak349]

😆 😁 😆.

[@TucoBenedicto]

As someone managing a boxing gym for over ten years at this point, I can tell you that this comedy is dangerously close to be factual science.

[@RealNewsMMA]

1:30 is actually realistic.. anything can happen in a fight and while hitting someone so hard they die is highly unlikely, someone can always slip/lose balance and hit their head on the pavement, a wall, or awkwardly on a curb/fire hydrant/anything really, and receive life altering injuries and even death. Meme it up all you want, it's a realistic fear to not want to kill someone no matter if you're trained or not in any martial art

[@delinquente1444]

so true

[@JasminMiettunen]

In our country you get punished worse for killing a guy in self defence if you have combat training, because you should be able to control your actions, while a noobie panicking and smashing someones skull in is more understandable

[@connor3288]

@@JasminMiettunen what country?

[@JasminMiettunen]

@@connor3288 Finland

[@JasminMiettunen]

@Hernando Malinche actually the alcohol consumption per person is quite similar when comparing something like the USA to Finland.

[@FC-nr4ot]

I’m just too strong. I’ll never get a heart attack, my heart isn’t stupid enough to attack me.

[@mikee9511]

Lmao this is the most meathead shit I’ve ever heard and I love it

[@kenyaaragon3944]

I hate this comment so much how dare you you've brought me so much problems i had to clean the water i spilled and i had to get up and clean the water i spilled while cleaning up the water i spilled.

[@willdejong7763]

Whoa! F C must be short for F'n ChuckNorris.

[@brrttaa]

I am this mans friend I once saw him rip out his heart and swallowed it then the heart immediately went back to place

[@AeonsOfFrost]

I don't overestimate my fighting abilities *at all*. My clinical depression powers include realistic self-assessment!

[@LastBankJob]

Good one! I'll be laughing about this tomorrow.

[@gnarlessagan6558]

That's one of the things about depression. It seems that depression is diagnosed by stupid wide-eyed optimists who thumb their noses at realism.

[@1001011011010]

Universal Kombat I do believe the idea that those with depression are more realistic about their own abilities has long been outdated.

[@gcg8187]

@LagiNaLangAko23 life's not about being realistic, no one ever accomplished anything meaningful in human history by being realistic it was by being a dreamer

[@reckyourself6948]

@@gcg8187 That is false. On several levels.

[@Daniel-sy6xl]

We are at a point in history where the onion reports more accurate news than big mediahouses 🥳

[@utrak]

yep, funny news isn't necessarily fake news, while fake news is definitely fake news.

[@jamiejam9976]

Fox News really ruined media credibility, huh

[@tammywhitworth6331]

Yea, this is my news channel now 😂

[@immortalsun]

What do you mean “at the point”? This is seven years old. We’ve been at that point for a long time.

[@Daniel-sy6xl]

@@immortalsun ..at the point. Seven years ago. Apparently. You win an internet point: 🎖️

[@jpthesteampunkartist5847]

That is what I like about Jiu-Jitsu, it reminds me how easily I will die if I ever end up in a fight.

[@oc7759]

Why would you die? Is Jiu Jitsu not effective for selfdefense?

[@jpthesteampunkartist5847]

@@oc7759 It is effective, it just that training Jiu Jitsu gave me a realistic view of fighting, and I have only been doing it for a short time compared to my instructors.

[@ErikCrowKrahe]

I’m surprised nobody said “these hands are registered as deadly weapons”.

[@dhgmrz17]

Lol, not sure if it's true or not, but I actually had a friend who claimed he knew a guy (I think he said it was his uncle) who registered his leg as a deadly weapon.

[@dtheengineer2746]

@@dhgmrz17 That is such bullshit lol

[@BirdMoose]

Most guys: I could break him down in one punch. Me: I could tell him to meet me out back in 5 and then immediately leave via the front.

[@LewisPC]

oh yeah this is big brain time

[@unbearabletruth4310]

Most guys: I could break his face Me: If I try to hit something, I am certain that I will somehow manage to punch myself in the process

[@fynncarey5030]

Or show up out back naked holding two beers

[@coolbreeze2.0-mortemadfasc13]

🤣🤣🤣

[@snafuequals]

@@fynncarey5030 3 beers, the last one is a surprise

[@eff_gee321]

I had this friend who actually believed, like for real, that he could tear a guys head off with a good punch.

[@ramiseket9566]

Lol

[@sapateirovalentin348]

The guy un question has glass bone obviously and also suffer from cancer,but your friend indeed could TEAR his head off with a punch lil

[@AxeKick80]

I mean, if it’s his finishing move and he inputs the correct commands it’s entirely plausible 🤷🏻‍♂️

[@MrNote-lz7lh]

Does you friend happen to be a brown bear?

[@aircloud1795]

man plays mortal combat

[@FirzasWorkshop]

Basic rule in a fight, when your opponent bigger and stronger than you, just run with your tail, that's what they called survival.

[@bashlivingstonstampededojo882]

Indeed

[@god1284]

Eh, being big doesn't equal fighting ability. It helps for sure but most untrained guys suck anyway so whoever lands a lucky punch tends to win most of the time, tall, short, skinny or fat.

[@nerosteel77]

@@god1284 I am large and untrained, I beat the crap out of two skinnier guys by basically throwing my flabby arms around as slingshots using my large fists as rocks just yesterday... I always wanted to kick God's ass, want to prove you know what you speak of there daddy?

[@god1284]

@@nerosteel77 Yes 😩

[@nerosteel77]

@@god1284 😈 Excellent... I will show up at your place this Saturday (on Sabbath because you know my sense of... Irony) Do not ask how, just expect me... "Father" Alternatively you will simply learn why people most do not impersonate hum... Us "deities" if I so only temporarily consider myself one of such... Expect!

[@RedesCat]

Me in my dreams: Punch force reduced by 70000%

[@katakai7117]

Hell yeah why the fuck does that happen Like the whole dream is normal speed and your punch is slow motion

[@Ak-de5yv]

I know, right. I always felt that I can't win a fight in my own dreams

[@dreamingblue3939]

In dreams, it always feels like I'm trying to wade through molasses while fighting someone or running, while the other guy can move at normal speed or faster. It's the most annoying, frustrating feeling.

[@BL4CKSTEEL]

Same with running sometimes.

[@katakai7117]

@@churck2267 Do you have the choice? Lucid dreamer?

[@chbend]

I remember when I came home from Afghanistan and I was visiting my parents. I got up in the night to get some water (I think, I cant remember the exact reason) but the sliding glass door came open and my parents new dog came bounding through with my dad (who had taken the new puppy out to pee) after four years as an amateur boxer a year training in the army and a deployment in Afghanistan my body and brain decided the best course of action was to jump in the air, flail my arms wildly at my dad and let out a a terrible cry of "blaghghwahahaha!!!" In an octive I haven't been able to reach since I was 12. My dad laughed about it my entire visit.

[@robmarley363]

awesome

[@freyamiles3718]

It hurt itself in its confusion

[@torrent8446]

man, i wish i had that superpower

[@zackarychristian9489]

@@freyamiles3718 you win the internet

[@madalindragan7722]

Great story to share wisdom, my friend!

[@mstelios4259]

Always thought that The Onion was a satirical show but this was actually a pretty accurate news story.

[@ericwalker6546]

That’s the reason people are packing. They know that they can’t fight.

[@roadrunner6694]

So true all mouth

[@xzqzq]

no proper training, and / or too old, as in my case.

[@LJAndrews1986]

Anyone who carries a gun that doesn't live in a war torn nation is automatically a bitch in my eyes

[@ericwalker6546]

@@LJAndrews1986 America is not a war torn area and a whole lot of people are carrying?

[@MilitantMountaineer]

@@LJAndrews1986 lol that's funny.. people who make statements like yours are automatically a bitch in my eyes. I don't carry but i don't blame people who do seeing as how leftist are running around in packs attacking the elderly and women.

[@jesseasner7330]

DOn't mess with me, i know karate! And several other japanese words!

[@unbearabletruth4310]

That genuinely made me ch7ckle

[@arsalek]

This comment will get 1000 likes soon

[@johnyshinde129]

Nani?

[@MadBadAndChad_A_]

Omaewa mou shindeiru...

[@azaratheonwolf5164]

Ara ara~

[@mr.butterworth4216]

*Three things all men think they’re good at - Driving, Lovemaking, and Fighting. The vast majority are sadly mistaken.*

[@yellowblanka6058]

More than a little ironic considering your Ron Jeremy avatar, lol.

[@IkissyJesus]

I can do all three with my left pinky toe.

[@count7340]

Ha! Joke's on you! I don't have a car, I'm single, and people ignore me.

[@samblack5313]

Once I backed a trailer in on only the third try.

[@FecalMatador]

Sam Black I need you at my warehouse. Dudes can’t back a trailer into the docks for shit

[@AleQuag]

I'm just scared of my own strength and power. I mean, just a punch from me could kill any other men and I could go to jail...

[@amai2307]

@Jonathan Langley you nailed it. I mean his punch can kill a man, imagine it landing on a kid. I am not him, yet I am scared already.

[@MultiChrisjb]

@Jonathan Langley yeah hes probably a good person

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

I was going to stop a schoolshooter once, but the bell rang.

[@robertogarcia1797]

I worked as a bouncer for 3 years and I can confirm that fighting in the street is completely different than in the dojo or ring, and never happens as you pictured it in your mind...the best is to avoid conflict at all cost...

[@jaybruz.5688]

this comment, 100% this comment. no matter how good you are, just walk away, sure your pride gets hurt, or if you see something that looks sussy up ahead, walk away.

[@joetroutt7425]

Fighting is not the problem. Its the ones who like to grab weapons if they are losing. When that happens I walk away bc it's clear who the winner is by then.

[@spirit.1999]

Knives are sold in stores like candy and guns are now being 3d printed.

[@macjnjoku9274]

@@joetroutt7425 if the guy grabs a weapon in the middle of the fight, it's too late to walk away.

[@joetroutt7425]

@@macjnjoku9274 no it's not.

[@uswdkb]

Bruce Lee said, "Before I started to study fighting styles, a punch was just a punch, but after I began to learn, I realized that a punch really hurts, so I quit fighting"

[@icegamer7486]

not even a good quote. him just being a pussy

[@legrandliseurtri7495]

@@icegamer7486 I prefer to call him a reasonable person.

[@Ryu1ify]

@@icegamer7486 -one of the guys in this very video

[@amireal5458]

@@icegamer7486 wow such an alpha male

[@lonigaming5880]

@@icegamer7486 so you are in fact 4000% weaker than you expect

[@apocsoviet3813]

True story I was in med school. During a night shift, a patient came with some cuts on his arms and body. Looked nasty but not life threatening. As we treat him, we asked where is the aggresor? He said he didn't know. Later that night we found out the aggresor was already in the morgue.

[@fishyc150]

My mate was a black belt in karate. He literally stood there as a guy beat shit out of him and smashed up his car. He completely froze and could do nothing.

[@FilosofiadiCazzeggio]

It's interesting to consider that freezing is actually one of the most common reactions in such situation. The animal part of our brain knows that fights are extremely dangerous and fleeing or feigning death is probably safer

[@fishyc150]

@@FilosofiadiCazzeggio agreed. Most animals in a domination rather than eating type situation arent going to kill or even (relatively) seriously injure the opponent. In nature I'm guessing not fighting back and surviving basically unscathed is better than fighting a battle you know you'll lose and could end up maimed or dead. Just my take on it...

[@bashlivingstonstampededojo882]

Best just to talk your way out of a bad situation or if you can run and get away getaway that's why I'll practice jogging and running hit the treadmill the bike trail get good at sprinting

[@Kma99107]

Traditional Karate was originally used as a way to increase discipline in troops. Giving karate a try in the real world is not a high chance of success in a fight.

[@CalculonTV]

Then your friend did train for nothing. If you are a black belt and can’t defend yourself, I am emphasizing on defending, not tearing the attackers ass apart, you definitely made something wrong. If you don’t do sparring regularly, your martial arts training is useless. You won’t be able to translate your knowledge and techniques into a fight situation. And freezing I imagine is the worst. Better run away with all the adrenaline.

[@hydrogenmissle]

One thing ive learned in my years of being a boxer is that when u want to win a fight, you need to windmill your arm round and round and round and round, once u have charged up enough energy, then you strike WHAM!! at least thats what donkey kong always did.

[@robstimson4234]

And Peter Townshend.

[@AxeKick80]

Nah man, what you gotta do in a fight is suddenly crouch real low to he ground and then explode upward with an uppercut. That’s how they do it in Mortal Kombat and MK is about as accurately real as fighting gets 👍

[@janewick509]

The part where you say "you need to windmill your arm round and round and round and round" gets me😂😂😂

[@jojojo5145]

Don't forget to prepare your protagonist speech beforehand. It increases your punch's accuracy and damage by 300%.

[@randomone8811]

I almost laugh cried!

[@jackladig5284]

Ok so here is a pro tip, always carry a fork in your pocket, if you get in a fight pull out the fork make eye contact with the aggressor and say "Thank you lord for this tasty meal im about to eat" and rush him with the fork.

[@Ghostly-00]

Good strategy! I like to take my pants and underwear off right before a fight. It catches them off guard and makes me more aerodynamic.

[@paulworgan6599]

I'd love to see that lol!

[@paulworgan6599]

I'd love to see that lol!

[@MiguelAngelIglesias]

@@Ghostly-00 you two should definitely fight

[@bait5257]

Not if the enemy is into that shit

[@navroopdhillon1209]

I once fought a 6'5" 120 kg dude me being 5'10" i had way too much confidence thinking if I believe in myself.... if i had ran that sucker couldn't have made it past the block

[@SootyPhoenix]

This might be the most accurate satirical video ever made.

[@Rearmostbean]

When did the Onion start doing straight news?

[@siyacer]

They stopped smoking

[@that-one-guyfrom-that-one-1239]

When all the other news started being gay.

[@Thymed]

Issa joke, mario

[@firaxolegirein9816]

@@siyacer , or maybe they were already gay, and they smoked, then their gayness was cancelled out?

[@siyacer]

@@firaxolegirein9816 perhaps

[@TacitusR]

I've found that wetting myself and crying like a frightened infant while pleading "please don't hurt me" works every time. Don't judge me, a win is a win.

[@paulworgan6599]

I hate it at the beginning of a fight when you're trying to talk tough and you stumble over your words and then gulp with fear, and they smirk at you lol!

[@TheInterestingInformer]

If they ever accidentally release a lion in a zoo and IM there… tranquilizer me first.

[@LastBankJob]

This is so on the mark. Listening to men talk about how to fight is like listening to a 12 year old talk about how they would shoot the tires of a car that is being chased in an action movie.

[@Xezlec]

I mean but why *don't* they shoot the tires though?

[@thecheese4255]

Ever meet a kid who believes good at video games translates to good with firearms IRL?

[@nickcara97]

MegaSkilla are you trained in “gorilla” warfare and have 300 confirmed kills?

[@thecheese4255]

My understanding is soldiers are trained to shoot engine blocks and drivers, not tires

[@thecheese4255]

MegaSkilla You are full of it None of what you babble is supported by review from people who actually provably served This video is PERFECT for you No effective checkpoint strategy from the military involves shooting tires You should do more research before playing internet GI Joe

[@bluecat6902]

"my mind would just go blank and their bodies just started collapsing"

[@emachine556]

bro i black out man and i go crazy. you dont know me bro you dont know me

[@bluecat6902]

@@emachine556 exactly😂

[@sunshineslowking5025]

"i just see red bro"

[@harveyknguyen]

@@sunshineslowking5025 "yeah man i'm a threat to myself and others"

[@CyclismHS]

@@harveyknguyen you better stay away from me... because when I'm angry - it's not funny to be around me.

[@BimmerWon]

This is the main reason I avoid fighting at all cost. It’s because if I ever do get into a fight, my opponent has a very good chance of dying from the first punch and I don’t want to have to live with that.

[@hilariousname6826]

You were that one guy in the video, right?

[@AlexM-vh2pu]

"Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face". Mike Tyson.

[@nicholasplesko533]

Some douche said my shiny white skin was blinding him, so I threw my shirt in his face. He said I bet you won’t do that again and, I said you’re right because I don’t have another shirt to throw.

[@chadpowell1832]

Lol

[@eljahihamgottin4540]

@Swarley751 No that's gay

[@ahmir5798]

@@eljahihamgottin4540 even better

[@yewtewbstew547]

@@eljahihamgottin4540 it's only gay if you take your socks off.

[@eljahihamgottin4540]

@@yewtewbstew547 It's only gay if you don't have your WWII Confederate uniform on

[@brennanmartin808]

I thought these things were supposed to be fake

[@olasdorosdiliusimilius2174]

Satire is based on reality, so therefore it is not entirely fake.

[@firaxolegirein9816]

@ClandestineOstrich , lol

[@xygour1445]

They seem to have forgotten the fact that I have that dawg in me

[@user-qv2mx4yo1m]

Once I fought an actual kickboxer. Within a few minutes he ran away petrified once I played dead

[@Mineav]

I don't overestimate my ability at all. I know I could kick everyone's ass here in a fight. I'm sure many guys do overestimate, but I took a karate class one time when I was 5 years old. Fuckin learned a lot. So yeah, I think I know how to fight, thank you very much.

[@janmilasin4502]

Yes butt..if 2m tall guy with brass knuckles comes in front of you wouldn't you be scared, not even tiny bit?

[@lubiehue7177]

Damn that’s some shaolin temple training level shit

[@Vlozh]

Guys the commenter was obviously joking... one karate class when he was 5 😂 Dont get angry about this

[@jenniferyu2828]

Lubie Hue LMAOOOO SHAOLIN TEMPLE TRAINING IM HOLLERING AT THIS

[@FC-nr4ot]

Eat Your Cereal nah, I’m like 7’. I’ll just pick him up and he’ll get scared, then I’ll throw him 20’ away

[@tdvwest9514]

1:17 I am honestly impressed that there are some people out there that can actually tear a new asshole in someone, even if it is less then 1% of the people who claim it.

[@procerusgigas]

I always say, ladies, it is very big, point to a hole for it or I will make one myself.

[@talonstrike01]

So if I set my expectations 4000% higher I will be as effective in a fight as I think I can now, seems legit

[@schecter5035]

You imagine your fights like straight out of a film

[@catbangs276]

I 100% win fights with kisses. They either run or want to start making out.

[@Samuel-I]

Prove it

[@MrLastlived]

Fight me bro, pussy! I'll knock you out! Fight me, at the club, all night, bring some ex

[@theeguy9022]

I'd like to have a round with you

[@elSethro]

So what I'm getting from this is that if I get into a fight, the other guy will likely be 4000% less of a threat to me. That means I could take on almost any guy easily. This is really encouraging.

[@eo6637]

THIS IS THE TYPE OF NEWS WE NEED 🙏🏼🙏🏼😂

[@prointernetuser]

that last guy made a pretty good point about putting someone in the hospital. It's a valid concern. You don't even have to learn how to fight, a random flail at a right angle can knock people out and they could fall head first into the pavement. Lawsuits and stuff. Street fighting is never worth it. Don't do it.

[@aaronlol6703]

And then there's the guy who never talks that kills someone with their pinky.

[@tomascanevaro4292]

You watch too much anime.

[@miguellopes2452]

@@tomascanevaro4292 you clearly never met anyone from special forces/shock trooos

[@nickcara97]

Tomas Canevaro no that’s guy who deviantly smirks every 30 seconds and miraculously knows everyone’s secrets

[@TruffleSeeker54]

@@tomascanevaro4292 I think it's a reference to Ratatouille

[@Fx_Explains]

@@tomascanevaro4292 or maybe Indian Bollywood movies. Lol that shit is worst.

[@Frodocious]

I just want to know why I can’t beat people up when I’m dreaming.

[@Ghostly-00]

It's like trying to punch someone underwater or something.

[@i_biscuit7140]

I can't stop walking forwards in dreams or when Im imagining something pls help

[@samliedtke]

@@i_biscuit7140 unplug your controller and plug it back in

[@i_biscuit7140]

@@samliedtke nope now I keep falling on my face whenever I stop

[@Frodocious]

@@capturedflame damn 😔

[@AImighty_Loaf]

Everyone imagines themselves as the main character, of course we're less effective in reality. I imagine being able to take on a group of men solo but reality is quite different.

[@Mushruums]

I’ve won 50% of the fights I’ve been in... although I’ve only been in 1 fight

[@vincenturquhart1370]

I was expecting them to say “so we hosted some real deathmatches to see if these men are as good as they say they are”

[@coryinthe2499]

UNDERRATED, ID HAVE LOVED THIS

[@LuxAeterna22878]

"Some of the guys actually knocked *themselves* out, it was pretty funny to be honest."

[@krombopulos_michael]

Fighting is like driving or playing piano, you can watch others do it and think you'd be great all you want but without at least a few hours of doing it you really have no idea. The difference is that unless you're involved in MMA or boxing, having a lot of practice usually means you're a criminal.

[@bp56789]

Nah bro, not me. I'm a natural

[@Timonsaylor]

Self-taught martial artists exist. Just saiyan

[@WandererTheLost]

Timonsaylor So do self taught pianists. That doesn't make what he said wrong.

[@Timonsaylor]

WandererTheLost you missed the point of what I said. I'm skeptical that criminals are "usually" the only others with fighting experience. Are bouncers criminals? Are veteran soldiers criminals?

[@WandererTheLost]

Timonsaylor True, that is completely valid.

[@maxjohnson65]

So if I estimate my fighting capability as being barely able to throw a punch, my actual level would be...oh. oh no.

[@jjbb3148]

I go to MMA and i am pretty good at it, but the reality is i don't remember the last time i picked a fight with anyone or even disrespected anyone. In the back of my head, when i remember those pros at the gym, i always know that there is someone better than me out there. So stay humble guys.

[@jaybruz.5688]

you can train but none of it means shit until you fight, when you fight for real in the ring everything you've learned comes into play, all the decisions have to be made in an instance, the outcome is based on how fast you can evaluate the sequence, analyse a response sequence into the correct chain that allows the most positive outcome for you, this has to be done within an instant or you get fucked up. if this hasnt been done at training through compound repetition of drills when it comes to an actual dangerous encounter when fight or flight is engaged, none of these attributes will be triggered. street fighting is far different from ring or dojo fighting where there is still some safety measures. if you are about to be mugged and you know you are going to be assaulted your focus needs to be like you are about to step into the ring, you need to be able to clear the slate and tell yourself, tonight , this guy dies if he has too.

[@jjbb3148]

@@jaybruz.5688 That is how we train, once or twice a month we have a 2 rounds of sparring, the only difference between the real MMA and the sparring we do, is we use face safety and also it is just 2 rounds. Other than that, we beat the crap out each other. The reality is, even on the street fight, someone with training would have a huge advantage compared to someone who just looks for trouble without training.

[@chrismiksworld]

Everyone has that friend who says all you need to do is Kneecap em and then Palm strike their nose into their brain.

[@gpk9482]

Hey that's what my cousin said to me he said I'm gonna kneecap me and palm strike my nose to bad when he tried to punch me I dodge his punch grab his arm and twisted it He surrendered so fast

[@Kma99107]

@@gpk9482 know the feeling man. Training is the only way you can be better.

[@gpk9482]

That's how I beat him he was stronger than me so I studied and train my self to fight people that is stronger than me

[@Kma99107]

I read this once. "A man will never rise up to the occasion, but simply fall back down to his training."

[@gpk9482]

@@Kma99107 I don't get it

[@skullymanewhoa]

“Whenever I get really angry I just black out” -iamverybadass Edit: this comment thread gave me cancer thank you everyone! I was referencing r/iamverybadass . For the record, i am an mma fighter with plenty of cage experience. One of the things people often say when they don’t know how to fight is “ whenever I get mad I just black out” and it’s ultra cringe because basically at that point you’re no better than a fedora wearing devil Snapchat filter “I let my demons win” kinda person. So, stop with the internet badassery, train martial arts (real ones like BJJ, boxing, Muay Thai) and get the heck off my thread with all of this cringe material edgelords!

[@strawberrypoison7964]

Tyson McGill How?

[@hendrixhotel]

@@strawberrypoison7964 it's a commonly used joke that when someone says any sentence including the word 'black', regardless of context, someone will respond with racist. Obviously it's not actually racist just to use the word black in a sentence, and it doesn't necessarily have to be political and ridicule overly politically correct people either. Sometimes it's just silly, senseless humour.

[@annoyedchef7124]

What the fuck you are supposed to call a guy who is so dark that he isn't any brown tone... Black.

[@skullymanewhoa]

This comment thread gave me cancer! thanks everyone

[@hotdoghub6690]

Rare, but this actually has happened to me a few times. Obviously it’s just me forgetting what happened because I was too angry, but it feels like I just blacked out.

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

I drop kicked somebody into tomorrow, and the next day they were waiting for me, prepared.

[@Comedy-Cult]

1:05 “if you need to draw a little blood” 😂😂😂

[@rodneybadwater4073]

I'm not as good of a fighter as I think? Did you even see my tap out shirt bro?

[@henryskipper5507]

What even is tap out, I know what tapping out is but those tapout shirts dont seem like mma/grappling related.

[@Anticulation]

This is so accurate that it should not be classed as satire. A majority of Men have some bullshit story about a fight they once had. In their minds they had a massive rumble like Muhammad Ali when in reality they threw an awkward slap that slightly grazed the other man's cheek before both men embraced in tearful guilt.

[@sk3ptik0s49]

Misandry

[@Anticulation]

@@sk3ptik0s49 Far from it but congratulations on marching for the PC parade.

[@Vitorruy1]

Things look a little different when youre drunk

[@gorillaguerillaDK]

My best stories is from when I got my ass handed to me - nothing fun about all the other stories well maybe except for a few that were completely bonkers. But hey, almost two decades as a bouncer, so of course there’s a fair amount of stories...

[@Volkbrecht]

On the other hand I found it interesting how much fighting we seem to have built in at bone level. Like a lot of men in their youth, I got into a few accidental fights, and I had never had any form of martial arts training. Still, just throwing my digits at the other bloke and trying to get them between my head and their digits worked pretty well just on reflex basis (avoiding punches to the stomach, now that didn't work at all^^). Not saying I was very effective, but I also didn't feel like I didn't know what I was doing. Even though I actually didn't.

[@anthonyruiz1493]

. . . Is this satrire? Because these numbers really seem accurate. 😂

[@narutohuntmendemon6354]

A wise man once said "All bark and no bite"

[@UnknownXV]

So if everyone is 4,000% less effective in fights, we're all pretty much total amateurs. So if we win, we're still probably terrible.

[@yellowblanka6058]

Pretty much - have you ever seen videos of bar/riot/random fights? People pretty much just randomly grab and windmill fist with complete abandon. If anybody involved in the fight had any skills whatsoever they would be able to dominate everybody else because they're all pretty terrible, that's why when you see a video with some random douche trying to mug/pick a fight with a trained fighter they're usually just instantly dropped to the pavement.

[@fostertiersky1716]

The dislikes are the guys who think they could take you on in a fight.

[@OLDSACKS]

"Maybe if you’d ever been in a real fight, you might not be so keen for another" -Wayne

[@Zzz_Gamer]

This isn't even satire, this is just accurate.