ROCD: Why Can’t I Feel Love?

Jade talks about the chase for feeling love, connection and attraction towards our partners when suffering from ROCD.
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[@aguy559]

It makes me feel like a FAKE around my girlfriend. I HATE it. She left me, and I almost DIED. It was beyond miserable. Somehow I got her back and now I doubt the relationship again almost incessantly. This is pure HELL.

[@jadet1337]

Hi Adam, I'm so sorry you're having this difficulty. Have you watched our videos covering unconditional self and life acceptance and adopting rational thinking? It's useful to see that while situations are undesirable they are usually not awful and terrible, though it certainly can feel that way. ROCD is likely latching so hard due to your extreme feelings around your relationships, when we can relax our views in these areas ocd tends to turn down the heat

[@aguy559]

@@jadet1337 I appreciate that. If something doesn’t change soon, I’ll have to breakup just for my own sanity. I wouldn’t start another relationship anytime soon. I would use the time to get straightened out. p.s. Your feedback is always welcome.

[@zevza]

@@aguy559what did you do?

[@moulee7448]

Try to go to therapy ❤ you can heal

[@aguy559]

@@zevza Still with her; still struggling.

[@daffodill90]

I feel like my mind is finally shifting when it comes to the strongly held irrational beliefs related to how a relationship should be or must be. There are no rules that are written that state that a relationship must follow certain steps or be a certain way. I enjoy my time with my husband so much more like you said when things aren't exactly planned or I'm not trying to control the situation. It can be very hard and an exposure for me to not be controlling of situations, but I'm working on that and truly seeing positive outcomes from not trying to control every aspect of my relationship.

[@theratlovedu60]

You have truly helped me with my rocd, knowing you have been through it really gives us hope. Thank you so much Jade for you wisdom

[@aguywhohikes1271]

Jade will certainly appreciate these kind words!

[@snakedogman]

Very relatable! At the same time, relationships do seem like a big investment of time, effort and carry a lot of risk for only 10-15% of life happiness. I'm starting to think it's not really worth the hassle for me. I was single for a long time when I was young (in my 20's), it made me feel defective, like I wasn't normal, not good enough. I know this is the reason I place so much worth on relationships. The first relationship I got into when I was almost 30, it felt amazing for quite some time. But we grew apart and didn't communicate so eventually it fell apart in quite a dramatic way. Ever since, I get heavy ROCD when I attempt a new relationship and it feels very much like you describe. That I wouldn't mind that much if they weren't there, that I can't feel any love for them, that I feel it isn't "right", that I don't even actually find them attractive, etc... It does become very difficult to be a decent partner. I don't mind being single so much now, at least I've started to defuse the irrational belief that I NEED a relationship to be happy a bit. But so far that just seems to push me towards wanting to break up. How do you deal with communicating with your partner about this? How do you deal with just not being attracted a lot of the time?

[@jadet1337]

I've just recorded a reply to this in my latest Q&A keep an eye out when it's posted in the coming days/ week!

[@Mistical1982]

I feel this too. After years of struggles I’ve only just been able to admit to him that I struggle with attraction at times and that’s why my behaviour towards him changes. It’s an awful thing for both of us. I wonder if it’s even possible to live like that? Are the good times, where I feel attracted and bonded, worth the bad times? What is it doing to him and to me??

[@aguywhohikes1271]

Always great to have you back on the channel Jade! You provide terrific insight.

[@Jesusandmentalhealth]

Really really great video. Such great reminders and such great insight. Thank you!

[@michaelcarr4915]

This was the most relatable video. Thank you.

[@sophieryder9407]

Thank you so much for this!

[@pattysmith5924]

wow Jade. So many amazing principles and examples. I really enjoyed this discussion.

[@aguywhohikes1271]

We are glad the video has been insightful Patty 🙂

[@jadet1337]

Thanks Patty!

[@rebeccaegly6318]

amazing explanations, thank you ! very practical and helpful !

[@Andrea-jl2wc]

Amazing video! I love watching it. Can we get a video on ROCD in the day and age of social media? Particularly triggers and obsessions coming from engagement and wedding posts, and wedding pages (the current video for social media is about compulsions)

[@RichardHale80]

This was helpful. Thank you.

[@missl1586]

I love your videos on rocd! I like the way you explain things, Jade. And despite rocd you managed to have kids and live your life, in other words, to recover. It's nice to hear that that's possible. My question for your next Q&A: how did you manage to commit to your relationship, concretely, to have kids despite rocd? I feel it is something I want but I am postponing because of my rocd spikes. It's a feeling of needing to be fully recovered before commiting to that.

[@aguywhohikes1271]

Hey Miss. Jade will answer this too of course, but the best piece of advice that I applied to my marriage, not kids of course, but everything else - There's no better time than right now. OCD will always make it seem like we need to wait, but that's one of OCD's largest traps. I had this with moving in with Erica, starting a business, everything.

[@missl1586]

@@aguywhohikes1271 Thank you very much for your answer. Indeed, I relate to all the feelings you describe of postponing everything due to wanting to be sure or get better at OCD. I appreciate your answer as well.

[@jadet1337]

Hey there! I’m so glad the videos are helpful, for me it was about accepting the fear around why it would be scary to have kids with the wrong person- I realised that my fear was that it’s forever and what if it’s wrong - scenario A : live forever with someone I’m not happy with - not ideal but can stand it, scenario B we split up and my kids have seperated parents - also liveable! Once I was at peace with both these through working on my irrational beliefs the decision didn’t feel life or death anymore - it felt there abouts right and I didn’t think on it too much, now that I have two kids I see that splitting up would be a huge shame but also totally fine in the long run. Flexible thinking is the key xxx

[@missl1586]

@@jadet1337 Thank you so much for ypur insights! I have many irrational fears surrounding big decisions such as this one, so your comment as a mother of two is truly valuable. I also relate to the story you told in some videos about ypur husband being smaller than you and ypu obsessing about that. I can relate to that because I obsess about how my partner is not attractive enough and if I can have children with someone that may be not attractive enough. But there is of course the core fear of splitting up. Again, thanks for your insights!

[@jadet1337]

I've just recorded an answer for you in my latest Q&A video so keep an eye out for when it's posted in the next few days/ week

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

Me again! I remembered another question I wanted to ask! Virtually everyone with OCD I've seen say that they get "clarity moments"- times of feeling their "truth" and feeling free of OCD. I don't get these. Once my fear is latched to something, YEARS can pass without me having any clarity. My theme feels like reality with no breaks. Is this something you've experienced or heard of before? Thanks again❤

[@user-gm4bq1jq3b]

Hi Jade, love your videos. My story is in a nutshell: Got Rocd in a previous relationship, broke up thinking I had to. In a new relationship but ROCD has latched to previous partner since I left her (4 years ago and everyday, ironically switched from having to leave previous to now obsessing over going back). I have also never had the honeymoon period with my current partner, however have had glimpses of love. Stomach churning with anything love related, relationships of others, attracted to others and not partner, etc. Any help with latching to previous and moving forward would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

[@jadet1337]

Hey I've just included this is in a Q&A video I've just recorded, keep an eye out on the channel over the next few days/ week

[@JGTeee]

Hi@@jadet1337, I can't find the Q&A video where you discuss this. Can someone share a link, please?

[@Indis_world]

Is it OCD if it’s a thought from the time you wake up to the time you sleep for years to the point that sometimes you dream about it.

[@missb416]

Dear Jade, thank you so much for your helpful video. I was wondering what your recovery journey looked like roughly? Did you go to therapy, if so was it cognitive-behavioral or depth psychology? I am currently in depth psychology since my symptoms looked like depression. However I am thinking whether I might suffer from rocd and should change therapy. Thank you too much and best wishes!

[@OCDRecovery]

Jade had coaching with us 😊 📧 [e-mail] for info on our services thanks

[@robyndawn]

It feels like im getting stabbed in the stomach non stop but its not killing me

[@moriahj3266]

Thank you Jade but tbh this is all so confusing😅.I also saw from another ocd coach that you shouldn't be afraid to leave for fear of "leaving because of ocd" aka meta ocd. That if you genuinely have doubts and think you deserve better you shouldn't settle. But what is even "genuinely" lmao? Because there were times where my ocd was weak and I felt like myself where I really yearned for more out of my relationship...but it just didnt feel urgent. But then I've also heard ignore the feelings for a long while EVEN if not accompanied by anxiety once its your "theme" before making the decision. This is all a maze and a girl is tirrrreddddd. Fed up. Done sigh. Like just shit everything😂😢😭. Sigh help?

[@yuria8850]

Hello! I'm sorry that you go through such a complicated labyrinth, but if I have learned anything from this whole issue with my partner, it is that the majority of times I have these labyrinths are for reasons that are not true. All those fears and doubts I have, most of the time are not real (much less the reasoning by which I find my 'answers') All this is complicated especially when each person is different, but you can. With my partner we have this thought of "I don't stop believing in the Moon even if I don't see it." In the same way, I don't want to stop believing in my feelings even if I think they are gone. 'healingwithhan_' has helped me a lot 🤍

[@latenitehvac868]

I got into a relationship about 3 years ago, for along time I was dating for looks and not for personality or values and after talking to Some people I felt like maybe I was dating the wrong type of person, so I starting dating for values and personality, and not looks, I got involved in a church and felt convicted by the sermons and the people and her that we should get married, dispite feeling on the inside that she isn’t the one, that I don’t love her. And now after two years and two kids I am absolutely miserable, everyday unhappy, thoughts racing through my head, I don’t feel like myself at all. I have had thoughts of ending it. I don’t know what to do. I obsess over everything all the time. Her looks, her personality seeing the worse and wanting any excuse to run. All i want is to be at peace and happy in my relationship. Previous to this I was in a 6 year relationship I had 2 years to be single before this one. I wonder, should I have waited longer? Should I have worked on myself, why do I feel so constricted? I feel like I have completely lost myself and don’t even know who I am

[@maeregtesfaye6101]

Please get some help. You’re gonna be ok if you just deal with your fears head on. Even if you made a mistake, it’s ok, you’re only human, everyone makes mistakes.

[@latenitehvac868]

@@maeregtesfaye6101 thank u

[@latenitehvac868]

@@maeregtesfaye6101thank u

[@Cnblanco]

I see a green aura on you or am i spacing

[@yorocco1]

I could never be in a relationship with s/o with OCD. Everything is all about them - constant talking - 24/7.