Self abandoning with the avoidant

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Күн бұрын

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@tumbleweedconnection7906 Ай бұрын

Man you are spot on with this one. I experienced this first hand but we can't just blame the avoidant like you said we need to hold our boundaries and not neglect our own needs .

@Liza-Loves-You Ай бұрын

Exactly, someone else who's mostly unaware of their own mechanisms doesnt excuse our contribution to confusion. When we are clear, we might be able to better the situation. I see avoidants as shy. We should have friendship and trust as the first goal, support eachother and go from there. I have learned a lot from "my" avoidant. They need time, respect, space and loyalty. If we can give that to them, share it basically, something can grow. They can learn about their own needs, wants and boundaries and face toxic shame, aquire better communication skills and heal old wounds like feeling not good enough, defective and deactivating and numbing strategies, isolation and addictions. They have never been prooerly emotionally supported, don't do it for themselves, instead ignore and avoid, therefore treat others the same. Our life is a mirror I am so happy I learned so much. Me leaning anxious here and there, have learned to support and value myself when I saw that my avoidant, although fond of me, didn't have the skill set to build on a relationship with me. This is not even about romance or pairing. It is about vulnurability and emotional intimacy. I see both anxious and avoidant as trust issues, be that trust in ourselves and or in others. I ve also learned that the beter I know and honour myself, the more I feel i will always take care of me and not let any chaos jumping world around influence me, my heart, my way, my path, my life, the less I "need" to trust others. In time they will show me who they are, true colours, loyalty, worth my time, energy, effort. Imma be okay anyway Life is a game, we can choise to heal, to celebrate and enjoy. You choose, choose you. Friends first ❤

@chelsy2255 Ай бұрын

I've never been so anxious in my life as with this man, I was usually the avoidant. It's scary how some people can change you, make you abandon yourself. Don't abandon yourself because you won't win anything but lose yourself. When they pull away, let them go, it's the best you can do.

@kashikkg9 Ай бұрын

If you are usually the avoidance, then have you considered that what you are feeling and experiencing now, is exactly what you made others experience when they were with you? I'm curious if you are self aware of this.

@chelsy2255 Ай бұрын

@@kashikkg9 where are you going with this? are you trying to be the attachment police? no, we're not aware or in control of being either anxious or avoidant. these are learned coping mechanisms coming from our subconscious. until you heal it's nothing we or anyone else can do about them.

@kashikkg9 Ай бұрын

@chelsy2255 nope. Not any police of any kind. I'm an anxious attachment type and I am self aware. I simply asked if what you are experiencing is something you have become aware of having others experience with you. I asked about your own your self awareness. I disagree that you say there is nothing you can do about it. Yes, avoidant and anxious attachment styles are learned coping mechanisms. But we can make choices to try and improve ourselves. Make the choice to learn about attachment styles. Make the choice to get help. It is difficult to do but not impossible. Saying there's nothing you can do about it is still a choice. I'm not demonizing anyone. I just asked a question as someone who wanted insight and has a different attachment style than yours.

@chelsy2255 Ай бұрын

@@kashikkg9 Being aware doesn't fix it. I still feel the way i feel, I don't have any control over how i feel and I react. I react as I'm used to react cause that's all I know. I'm now aware of these things but it doesn't change my behaviour. If it was that easy to change our feelings and actions based on our knowledge there would be no need for psychology as a science as it's based on thinking-action gap. I personally think is impossible to change feelings and behaviours in adult age, to do that would need consistent everyday self reflection and action and even then still would be so easy to default to the initial behaviour. we have lifes to live and things to do, cannot always self reflect and work on feelings and behaviour.

@kashikkg9 Ай бұрын

@chelsy2255 Thanks for your honest response. I'm glad to hear from another attachment style. I want to mention I never said it would easy. I said it would be difficult, not impossible. I also understand the life thing, but I still think it's possible. I am someone who has had to work 12-16 hour shifts 7 days a week without much time to myself and I have severe panic attacks, ones that would literally make it impossible for me to move. Despite the circumstances, I still have managed to make progress on working on my attachment style even if slowly. I just want to say that I don't think it's impossible for everyone.

@RayLiotaToyota Ай бұрын

Thanks!

@mary_canary Ай бұрын

Self-abondoning leads to anxiety ✅️ .

@MissSarahGM Ай бұрын

If people would hold their standards and boundaries, instead of being led by their feelings and addiction to the avoidant, these avoidant folks will have no one to play with. They will inevitably be forced to reflect and be better persons if they want to connect. Society also makes it too easy for them to use people, engage romantically and then discard, without it being frowned upon. Teach them a lesson and don't enable the avoidant.

@jamie-r2034 Ай бұрын

Bingo! After 12 years with an avoidant I didnt understand why i was acting the way I was. When we first got together i was secure & confident & by the end I suffered from constant anxiety & panic attacks.

@alangriffin8154 Ай бұрын

100%....I've now detached and established boundaries, I've made it clear to her that I'm refusing to chase her anymore. Now, she's still her avoidant self...but I'm back to being my secure self and I say and do what I want....I've given her until our lease is up to make some difficult choices. Either way, I'm good.

@jamie-r2034 Ай бұрын

@@alangriffin8154 It's crazy, right?? Im sorry you went through this...it's tough. I moved in with family the same day she broke it off with me (by a text message. lol) It's been almost 2 months now & Im back to my old self, no anxiety, confident, money is better than ever, and Im truly thriving on my own. I truly let her go the other day and guess what...she texted me last night & it wasn't just 1 word things or telling me something about our daughter. It was Full paragraphs about how stressed she is, etc. I replied back with "sorry" lol This is when she starts to creep slowly back in but now that I understand what this is, im not falling for it anymore!

@Liza-Loves-You Ай бұрын

@@jamie-r2034 since you have a child, you've got to deal with her, right? Do you have a plan? Here in the Netherlands we write parenting plans, all with the best interests of the child in mind. Also, have you considered going to counseling together? As parents cooperation is important Then friendship would be nice off course and... Her choosing to work on things would be great. Adam Lane Smith has great info too I've studied this topic for some years now so feel free to ask something or give your reaction Take Care 🧡

@johnsonjj117 Ай бұрын

@@jamie-r2034Glad you stayed strong. Dealing with almost the same situation as you. It’s hard to think about how confident I used to be and where it went. I remember back when we were dating and she broke up with me I immediately moved on and she ended up telling me she made a huge mistake and asked to get back together. I thought her desire to get married meant she was past that crap. This was most likely the start of my downfall, went from secure and confident to anxious and insecure.

@DamianNix Ай бұрын

I wish I had enforced my boundaries ten years ago. You're right, they left anyway.

@citizenoz Ай бұрын

Oh gosh.. anyone who has survived the nightmare that a 'relationship' with a DA really is will so totally appreciate how on target the message in this video is. Thank you (again) Ryan.

@JETTSTACHI Ай бұрын

It wasn't so much fearful they would leave, but abandoning myself so THEY would feel more comfortable. But they didn't care one iota about making me feel comfortable. Duh!

@johnvillamil3138 Ай бұрын

Bottom line, stay away from DA’s. Too much work to keep a relationship with them.

@MaryamTaleshi-ji9pq Ай бұрын

Bravo 👏, very well said.

@kstevenson3504 Ай бұрын

Thank you because i was thinking i was anxiously attached until i took a test. Then i was wondering if my test was wrong of if i didn't fully understand something. Now i better understand. Thx

@Chris-jz8pu Ай бұрын

I think wife wife cheated and still is an avoidant. Must be guilt and shame. She would never admit it. Doing the no contact rule. She’s a bad human being. 🤮

@Ye80s Ай бұрын

I dont self abandone, but it is my subconscious mind that drives me anxious. It just occurs naturally. If I suppress it, one day I will become an avoidant. ❤

@SyddeMyzard Ай бұрын

Best coach

@housekartha Ай бұрын

As u said, Man its difficult. We should have this as a High school Subject. Man that fall is crazy bad.

@derekazyan9942 Ай бұрын

This is exactly what happened to me

@DanHoller-eb6xt Ай бұрын

same here!

@dedbeeep Ай бұрын

if i had the dragon balls id wish for her to get better. shes all i want and shes all i need. shes just got toomuch for me to deal. fuck i love her so much. i wish i could help her. she wants to change but neither of us know how to achieve that. save us

@dizzyD1199 Ай бұрын

Real

@TestimonyOfYeshua Ай бұрын

Reach out to his website Is very rare and precious when both partners want change ❤

@kateaghaghiri2968 Ай бұрын

Good pep talk

@kateaghaghiri2968 Ай бұрын

I wasn’t afraid of him leaving. I was too compassionate for his situation as an FA. He didn’t want to be that way. So I hung on and on trying to give him space. When he had sex with someone else, that broke me and I left him.

@luciananerys6901 Ай бұрын

😢

@Nonfiction.Reader Ай бұрын

True. Thanks.

@zeebucie1875 Ай бұрын

Thank you❤

@sapnapandey5922 Ай бұрын

❤❤

@SuperSgaga Ай бұрын

I am learning to keep healthy boundaries, but it is so difficult at times! We started couples therapy and time will tell if my avoidant partner wants to work on himself and change his behavior or is the only option left to end the relationship...

@annaeidhis Ай бұрын

Could you please make a video also about avoidants and finances/richness in a relationship? He always said that he isn’t rich enough for me, but I don't see it that way. I just can't convince him otherwise. Why is this? 😫 I watch all your videos, they are great. I even share them on my page. Could you please answer? Thank you

@BlackWolf-gk8sn Ай бұрын

They loot for ANY reason, why the relationship will fail. My Da Ex even became Ableistic, because I am half deaf and Stupid, hurtful stuff like that. Believe me, the longer you are no contact with a DA Ex. The more toxic bs you remember. Why? Because you where Emotionally traumatized constantly and your brain pushed those memorys away on purpose, to protect you.

@Dottore-b4l Ай бұрын

Boundaries do not work because they violate mutual understanding, the nonverbal part of it. Asking to satisfy one's needs is bascally begging. If it did not work onece it will never work. Boundaries are for ppl whom we can easily leave - neigours, colleagues, sports mates - and then come back later or have easy shallow conversations about art and sports. If you need to hold boundaries in a friendship, it is already doomed.

@carolinacardenas2609 Ай бұрын

People aren't mind readers. Communicating your needs allows the other person to meet them.

@nuraycelebi5325 Ай бұрын

Avoidants are complicated to begin with, but let’s be objective, they need to KNOW what you need/want or they can not cross. They need more guidance than many people on the non-verbal part. Boundaries do work even with avoidants when communicated well and they are willing to work on themselves or the relationship. I dated a severe DA and speaking from experience, the nonverbal part was even more complicated for him. He told me to be as open as possible with what bothers me in my first disappointment 😂It was difficult for both of us but worked from then on. And assuming they value the relationship, they LISTEN when communicated in a structured, non-emotional manner (without crying and begging him to make you happy!🤦🏼‍♀️), without ultimatums. But in the end, if they do not respect your boundaries, meet your needs/wants for whatever reason, like Coach Ryan says, it is time to hold them and leave. You can ask them to respect your boundaries and meet your needs but you should not be begging.

@TestimonyOfYeshua Ай бұрын

Of course boundaries work To think otherwise is either manipulative or foolish

@Dottore-b4l Ай бұрын

@@TestimonyOfYeshua No. They work once... as warning. And then you have to enforce it... You cannot tolerate disrespect. If someone goes on and disrespect you, does not send time with you, is constantly busy with other things. At short - boundary means you walk away... it does not helf to fix the relationship.

@Amoki86 Ай бұрын

And yet, voicing out is the only way to find out whether the other person is secured enough to respect your boundaries or will become triggered, wholely self-absorbed, and react violently to your boundary. Otherwise your reaction is just expecting the other person to mind-read and not given a chance to respond. Mind read and covert contracting itself are anxious behaviours.