Setting Boundaries In Toxic Relationships Part 2 - Gary Thomas

[@Dgirl2]

My husband and I have been dealing with toxic people to the point that the stress is destroying our health. We love them but we must walk away. Please pray for us. I truly believe that our loving Lord brought us to this message to help us. I must remember:Jesus walked away when it was wise to do so. 🙏

[@deb9784]

So true, besides toxic people don't want to change! Most often they want their own way at your expense! Sending prayers for restoration and a community to come along side you and your family!

[@adelbarnardo4465]

First time I ever heard that it pains God's heart that we are bullied by others. This was so helpful.

[@mmyabaki]

When a toxic person does not know their need for truth. Walk away and give them to the Lord to deal with

[@daughter_of_the_king]

Thank you for this. I'm a new believer and get confused between loving others like christ and letting them control me. This clarified which boundaries are needed and where I should invest my pearls

[@somethinggood9267]

I hear that!!

[@KayGee4319]

Exactly, so well said! I've been a Christian 20 years and was very deceived that being a Christian means you have to be a doormat. The book, Boundaries, is really great - I've done the workbook too and it's great, but the most important thing is to put those and these lessons into practice. I urge you to do so sooner rather than later because I have lost years of happiness due to false guilt of this unBiblical false doctrine. I love how this guy explains that yes, Jesus allowed Himself to be crucified ONCE for a purpose (there's a time and a place to, "turn the other cheek"), but that this was not the PATTERN of His life, every other time He moved on to plant seeds upon fertile ground. That is the key to the whole thing. Blessings to you!

[@daughter_of_the_king]

@@KayGee4319 thank you so much. I have read the book boundaries, not done the workbook. I found it insightful and I loosely apply it to my life. I also gained in my case reading Codependent no more side by side as it applied to my situation. Setting healthy biblical boundaries are necessary to guard our temples. It frees me up to invest in people and projects that actually need it.

[@JacquieDestrampe]

I’ve had to walk away from an abusive, toxic parent. Not easy, but necessary to live in freedom with Christ.

[@wayfarinstranger2444]

Same here...

[@kefirkaren571]

J M I’m walking away from toxic sister

[@VM-123]

I did the same after my mom passed away. Walked away from an extremely narcissistic father and siblings.

[@YuraCura2006]

I walked away from an extremely controlling, manipulative, meddling, and hateful, lying mother in-law. I tried. And she claims to be a Christian too... please pray for her.

[@wwilloww995]

Thinking about you! I pray that you have so much joy and peace knowing that you will have even more in this world and to this world to come as it says in the Bible, as you follow God’s voice. 🙏🏼💗

[@celebratejen95]

I had to go to CR because I am in multiple Narcissistic relationships, and it is affecting my health and self-worth. I was responding to the abuse with anger and I needed to learn how to set boundaries. I am trying to learn how to walk away before I become toxic.

[@wayfarinstranger2444]

Yes, don't give in to anger. Surrender all to Jesus...and walk away.

[@VM-123]

It's not only learning to walk away before coming toxic. The toxicity that you feel is in reality their own projection of toxicity onto you. You have to get away before the stress of constantly walking on eggshells kills you. It's not if but when. I am still dealing with the after-effects of being abused by my father. It's been well over two years. The amazing thing is other people do eventually see. God will send the right people into your life 😊🙏

[@charlotteboyett-napper4780]

I went to CR for this too. It helped me by seeing other ladies in there. 90% of them were not addicted to anything but were codependent and loved children and spouses with addictions. Women are wired especially not to walk away from loved ones- especially their children. The toxic people in their lives love to project shame on them.

[@Cissy318]

Some toxic people are just hurt, traumatized and scarred. Hard to just give up on them.

[@leandrahackwith3168]

You can have compassion and concern for them, perhaps even help with specific problems. If you become enmeshed that's a toxic bond. You are not their savior, one is already provided

[@Antonia777fly]

this is where prayer is necessary

[@chinelodillimono]

Walking away does not mean giving up on them. It’s actually taking yourself out of harm’s way so you don’t turn toxic yourself. Shalom

[@sssttt2211]

Longer you stay in their presence, your mental, physical, emotional health suffers. It's never worth to be with toxic people. I suffered once and I started journey to seek solution for this suffering. Even if these people pay you millions it's not worth if your health suffers and your very essence is affected.

[@lucybrindlebrownie8994]

AGREE !

[@sherileenlambert2784]

It's very hard to walk away from the person whose supposed to be your mother. I've now realised that when its time to walk away, it's just time, regardless of who they are. Just because someone gave birth to you, it doesn't necessarily constitute them to be the mum you want them to be.

[@MrAllysonn]

Giving birth does not mean that your mother has a right to do anything and everything to you. I have cut ties with my birth mother a decade ago. It was so easy because I have never liked her ever. I am far more happier. ❤

[@hadassahj7366]

I love that the Word of God gives us a way to measure these things, teaching us, by our fruits we known.

[@carlaaustin7223]

Amen

[@kimspencer7677]

We must learn to go before the Lord and learn to listen to our Precious Counselor, the Holy Spirit per each individual...Listening wnd hearing His voice takes practice. Its the Spirit's job to train us to hear. ✝️

[@theforeigner6988]

No conviction, no counsel. Wow👍🏿 I have been talking to much in my 20 years of marriage.

[@annmarievalenti9264]

27 He can't hear.

[@noryloydnarvaez327]

No conviction, no counsel. 😊

[@pauldalizu3989]

I think it was counsel

[@teresadexter9965]

This happened to me. I spoke out about abuse......spoke the truth, only to be accused of being judgemental.....

[@RebekkaLien]

Teresa Dexter that’s all you can do 👏

[@VM-123]

When you are with a toxic narcissistic abusive person, they twist everything you say and do around. They're projecting their own toxicity on to you, making you the scapegoat for something that does not belong to you. Those things will build up inside, it can cause a lot of health issues. I saw what it did to my mom and it killed her. My dad also scapegoated me and it was even worse after she died. I witnessed he and a brother absolutely ecstatic after my mom passed away, and they laughed when she took her last breath. When you have to walk away from a parent like this, you are grieving the fact that you never had a "parent." Anyone that is a flying monkey is also someone you must stay away from. It is not our job to fix or try to figure out these people.

[@RJ0321]

I love how he explained how to differentiate between a difficult person and a toxic person. 1. Controlling 2. Love to hate 3. Murderous spirit-death wherever they go (small group, work, church, etc). It all comes from pride. And they never see themselves as toxic. "No conviction, no counsel."

[@missmlb3842]

This is so on point! Now to implement! Self awareness is the start. I loved the part about being bullied. There are so many great nuggets

[@callielang-mangram4239]

Great WORD!! MUCH NEED, WE DON'T HEAR MANY people speaking on this subject. No conviction no counsel.. POWERFUL!! 2 Timothy 2:2

[@bethanyatkinson6944]

I think many people who end up walking away from a toxic person just don't want to set boundaries with them. For example, if you're going to hide in your own house and not confront the person that's peering through your windows and showing up that way, tell them that that is a boundary for you and unacceptable, then you really just avoiding confrontation and running away from your problems. If you set the boundary you are giving them the option, if you want to be a part of my life these are the boundaries that you need to hold to. And if they continually break those boundaries then they are choosing to not be a part of your life - but that's not "you walking away from them", that's "them walking away from you". I had to do this with one of my parents to the point where we were barely talking. But I always left the option open for them to start respecting my boundaries, and communicated very clearly what I needed. if I had simply walked away there would have been no avenue for reconciliation, which is well underway

[@ruthshafer5410]

The problem with this is that toxic people don't recognize boundaries even if you hit them over the head with it! I have a toxic mother and my sisters and I have tried to deal with this all our lives. Fortunately by God's grace she is now at age 89 realizing somewhat that she needs to ask forgiveness for what she has done. But even though when I go to visit her (we live out of town) she still insists that I stay with her even though I always stay at a hotel in case her controlling gets out of control. It's something that's very hard to understand unless you've lived with it.....I have! You can't just simply "tell them"....it doesn't work.

[@bethanyatkinson6944]

that's actually not what I said, I specifically said that part of setting a boundary is giving the person the option to not be a part of your life anymore if they can't respect the boundary... I have a toxic mother too. She chose to almost leave my life for almost a full two years because she wouldn't respect my boundaries. But that wasn't me choosing to walk away from her... That was me letting her know what I needed in order to let her in my life, and her choosing not to follow it... I don't think you read my whole comment? I just don't think that following through on a boundary is the same thing as walking away from someone. Walking away from someone doesn't leave the door open for reconciliation, whereas enforcing a boundary, the person knows exactly what they need to do in order to restore the relationship, and that option stays open. I know exactly what you mean... my mother is still not safe enough for me to rely on her for transportation, because when she has that sort of power she just can't help herself. But using boundaries has very very slowly lessened the toxicity of the relationship, and it has allowed me to not be a toxic person or allow any of that behavior, and still love her/have a relationship (even if it's not the kind I wish it was).

[@bethanyatkinson6944]

In fact my mom DIDN'T recognize the boundaries when I set them... For almost two years. She still has trouble recognizing them. But she values having a relationship with me, and when I require her to accept them in order to stay in relationship, after experiencing the consequences (via my boundaries, she had chosen to not have that sort of access to my life) she eventually came to her wits end because of the disconnect and asked "what do I have to do?" At which point I told her the same thing I had been telling her for 2 years... And she could finally somewhat hear me. She didn't like it. But she doesn't have to. And the process repeats itself. And after 10 years of this, even she can see that our relationship is much healthier than it ever was before.

[@bethanyatkinson6944]

People have the misconception that a boundary is something that requires other people to follow it. In fact, a boundary that is dependent on someone else's cooperation it is not a boundary at all... A boundary is all about what you are going to do with you in a situation (ie, unless trust is restored, I'm staying in a hotel.) Sometimes it is giving the other person in the heads up that their choices will influence your choice... "If you do this, I will do 'A'. If you do that, I will do 'B'" .... Or in my situation all those years ago "if you can't respect my right to make my own decisions as a 25 year old, I am going to hang up" Followed by another attempt at telling me what to do, followed by "I love you, and I told you if you continued I would hang up. goodbye" followed by a click. Sometimes she never heard my final words and thought I just hung up cuz she wouldn't stop talking.... That was a successful boundary. By definition, a boundary cannot fail... people can fail to respect it, but that doesn't mean the boundary fails. I can enforce the consequence of the boundary disrespect that the other person has chosen... To me that is very very different than just cutting a person out of my life. A book that was life-changing for me in dealing with my toxic mother was "keep your love" on by Danny silk. I still go back and read it a couple times a year... I finally have peace that I can love her at the level of connection that we are currently at, in a way that doesn't compromise my own values, where I am in no way powerless, and finally feel like I'm able to be the person I want to be, even in my relationship with her. There is no longer a disconnect between my faith and the love of Jesus, and my relationship with my toxic person. Because I know that my goal is to have as much connection as our relationship can handle, and my goal is no longer "a safe distance."

[@christinamck4398]

@@bethanyatkinson6944 Thanks so much Bethany. This is timely for me.

[@luv2travel2000]

Mark 12:31 b "... Thou shalt *love* thy neighbour *as thyself* . There is none other commandment greater than these." ❤️ ✝️ ❤️ ✝️ ❤️ ✝️ ❤️ ✝️ ❤️ ✝️ ❤️ ✝️ ❤️ ✝️ ❤️ Yes, we are to love ourselves so that as we are patient and kind to ourselves we can be that way towards others.

[@slightlyimperfect4011]

its hard if it is your child who doesn't receive counsel

[@blessedforever3325]

Amen to that.

[@arod5002]

🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

[@suzannegerster839]

I've never truly understood casting pearls before swine before. Now I do. Thank you

[@RosemarieNorton]

Wow, the Lord sent me this message today!

[@johnrivas5363]

I ve been in ministry, missionary, pastor, and I know toxic people. Even before this term became popular, I was calling them Drama people, who love to get u I to their "fair wheel." BUT, many people are using these teachings to abandon their spouses and children bec "you re hurting my health."

[@MrAllysonn]

So? You can't blame anyone for leaving a toxic person. Can you?

[@johnrivas5363]

@MrAllysonn it depends on the situation. If there is no hint of physical abuse and verbal emotional abuse, I will wonder. Also, the decision should be taken with the counsel of the pastor and elders, and they may recommend leaving. Also, I would like to know how u define toxic. Bec Gary T at the end, he mentioned that he is toxic, is he going to leave his family, and live like a monk bechr is toxic. Toxic Exit is easier than laying down your life, even for those who hate you.

[@sandyatha4444]

I have a verbally and mentally abusive alcoholic husband and I'm trying to walk away but after 30 plus years so hard buty health and life suffering because of him

[@danielmcguinness6192]

Freedom at last

[@sarawinger3166]

Thank you for writing on this topic.

[@graysonmacarthur7769]

create conversation is really something I'm dealing with and this has helped me immensely thankyou men

[@ginaprice2727]

Life Changing!! Thank you🙌

[@homeworkloungect]

You are so spot on Thank you 😁

[@chilloften]

Beautiful message.

[@carlaaustin7223]

Some people are in toxic relationships due to loneliness.

[@kayakins1709]

That’s true !!

[@southernjulip2403]

That's the number one reason.

[@somethinggood9267]

Absolutely

[@nancywidows463]

So true! And Satan preys on the weak and the sad.☹

[@christinavillalpando8223]

Thank you thank you thank you thank you 😊 🙏 I really needed this!!!

[@camille-bz2vp]

I needed to hear this at this exact time. Thank you!

[@mzsonsie]

Thank you for this. Very useful advice and encouragement 👍

[@rhondacreech6039]

Love this!

[@Cissy318]

Awesome and so needed in my life! So walk away from a toxic spouse?

[@lisadyer5151]

This is my question too. How does I Peter 3:1 play into this? How can a wife submit when her husband quits attending church after 35 years of marriage? He would like for me to quit attending also but I won't. I need other believers in my life and I am not going to isolate myself as he has isolated himself. Also, how does a wife submit when her husband tells her to slap her 17 year old son in the face if he smarts off to her? I bought Mr. Thomas' book and am hoping to find answers in it.

[@leandrahackwith3168]

Submission is to walk together, cooperate, share, seek the best for the other person. It's not to place your neck under a boot of oppression, degradation and slavery.

[@rlavender9684]

"Toxic self talk"- I find that interesting, can one actually be a toxic person towards yourself? if so, are there resources that talk about that and how to deal with it?

[@leandrahackwith3168]

Yes, the constant attacks become embedded in the mind and part of the belief system

[@April31963]

@@leandrahackwith3168 anywhere lies are believed and acted out the devil is involved. Lies ARE the devil’s mother tongue

[@marcibunn]

thank u!!!

[@rhondahollingsworth6764]

How do you walk away when the toxic person is your husband?

[@MrAllysonn]

You just walk away. If there's no self reflection, no work in himself to change his behavior? I'll tape it out.

[@amygentry7904]

How do you walk away from your mom?

[@dayanasa1289]

My mom is toxic for my kids. Not for me anymore because I am a mature woman and I learned how to handle her. I do my best make sure that she isn’t alone with them, and I set boundaries that she is well known of. I try to make sure that she is just not too close...

[@RebekkaLien]

First tell her how you feel. That it hurts you. If she doesn’t listen try to create physical boundaries. When my mother yells at me I ask why she is angry and I tell her how it makes me feel. She has become more receptive. But otherwise I have to just walk away. Www.rebekkalien.com

[@LizaLavolta]

I called my guy out for a toxic behavior. He agreed, but then continued flipping out -_- It's a process ya'll lol

[@noryloydnarvaez327]

How about when the toxic person is your husband?

[@promisekeepersdaught]

I wish your questions was answered. I’d like to also know.

[@escottn]

They didn't want to touch that one. It would create soo much hypocrisy or appear to. Do you leave a toxic spouse? There's no biblical grounds. That's why you probably will not hear that. He never discussed that. "Leave this person, leave that person, but do not split, separate, leave your spouse."

[@MrAllysonn]

I'll divorce.

[@LALady1]

What about family

[@renaethompson9482]

I wonder what percentage of toxic people have psychological disorders such as being bipolar. That's the case with both of the two most toxic people I know, and I wonder how much of the behavior to chalk up to the disease.

[@pblonrongracie]

That's not fair and you are generalizing. I have bipolar and don't consider myself toxic

[@marthiepeden5551]

What do u do when ur son is in a toxic relationship that spills over into his relationship with us? We cant just walk away from him?

[@newlinsa]

But what if the toxic person...the bully is your emotionally and verbally abusive husband?

[@deb9784]

Focus on the family has ministry call Hope Restored that offers counseling! They deal with toxic marriages and often bring healing! It may be a great way to set down a boundary! Being in a toxic marriage can leave you so isolated and alone! BTW, they also have scholarships to help with the costs! Sending prayers and hugs! My husband and I are attending one later this month!

[@ignacioaguilar8366]

It’s very risky to call people toxic when they are kind or charming we want them to be. Jesus didn’t use this strong word ever.

[@DanielleOliviaM]

The number still working ?

[@aSdfgfgish]

Should I walk away from my unbelieving husband?

[@dawnmiller8461]

m m I’d recommend Godly council first. The Transformation Center out of Redding, Ca. does skype sessions and they are incredible!

[@aSdfgfgish]

@@dawnmiller8461 Thanks.

[@usa2342]

“That man who is an unbeliever is sanctified by the wife who believes, and that woman who is not a believer is sanctified by the husband who believes, otherwise their children are defiled, but now they are pure.” 1 Corinthians 7

[@aSdfgfgish]

@@usa2342 I ask because he makes personal attacks every day based on my beliefs. It's been a year now. It feels very toxic to hear that every day. I do respond with truth in love almost every single time. I'm worn out.

[@usa2342]

m m “Bless them that curse you, and pray for them who despitefully use you.” Jesus said When you practice that, God fills heart with patience and peace toward that person. Your husband needs your prayers and he needs you. Who else going to pray for him and bless him?

[@leeabe3932]

No conviction, no counsel? If they are convicted, the Spirit will be their primary counsel. I am tempted to adopt this principle because of the many toxic people in our lives, but his book feels more like the permission we've all been wanting - to write off people. But does this make us truly like Jesus? and truly different than the world? Jesus said it would be more difficult living an authentic Christian life than not. I'm wondering if the authenticity the world says is missing from Christians is not because we love our safe social enclaves more. What's so amazing about grace if God had preferably called the righteous and convivial?

[@celebratejen95]

Lee Abe I don’t see where he is saying to write off everyone. I heard he is saying to set boundaries and then The choice is up to the toxic person to be a part of your life or not.

[@callielang-mangram4239]

@@celebratejen95 True

[@ignacioaguilar8366]

Many priests and pharisees believed as Acts say. It’s better not to judge people as toxic or not toxic.

[@jamiebarrera3507]

What happens when this is your spouse. 19years, HELP

[@GuitarfortheGloryofGod]

Look up Leslie Vernick

[@arlenerice4639]

Toxic daughter how can I get to hear toxic progrsm #1?

[@oar-N-oasis]

😭😭😭😭

[@lucybrindlebrownie8994]

Sounds like the lied - about - Candidate may have been on g.o.p. side ... just my opinion/observation ... the m.a.g.a. minds (Bannon) are a lot more devious Now a Days ! May Heaven help us - huh ... Blessings to you 💞

[@lisamartin9785]

Ooo0oopoppoooooooopoooppooo9ooppooo99oopopooo9oo9oop999o999oo9999o99999o9999999999999o99999999999999o999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999o9999999999999999999999999999

[@theprolificnetwork4670]

I think it's pointless to complain, don't talk about sinful people they are doing what they're supposed to do. They are lost so this is like a waste of energy. Talking about the wrong they do. We know they do wrong? They are lost they are sinners who need Christ. We should not be talking about the problem. We should be talking about the solution and praising the solution who is Christ.

[@theprolificnetwork4670]

Call it what it is you're not talking about toxic people you're talking about narcissist. But the term toxic and narcissistic is the most overused definition of people today. Just call them sinful lost souls.