Signs the Unfaithful Partner Is Safe in Affair Recovery Work

[@Jeradactile]

Seeing my wife now vs 4 years ago. What a difference. She dove in head first into recovery. Hope for Healing, counseling, 12 step. She worked her butt off to heal and I absolutely saw the effort, I may not have mentioned that I saw it at times but we put in the work and we are in a great place now. Thank God for AR and Rick and Samuel.

[@samshealingpodcast]

It's been an honor to support you in some small way my friend. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

[@Jeradactile]

It has to feel good to see these stories play out in the comments over the years and see the difference you have made in people’s lives. I am so grateful that God led me to your KZbin channel when I was drowning. I’m not poet enough to write the words so I’ll just say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[@thrasherwartooth]

As an unfaithful, your story is giving me hope. I've been struggling in my journey (still at the beginning) and I have had terrible days where I wonder if I'll ever be able to earn forgiveness. This gives me some reassurance that there is light at the end of the tunnel. One where I can have the marriage we both deserve and maybe even better

[@turbo1gts]

I gave my wife disclosure about my addiction (why choose porn over her), and a few weeks later, she gave me the unloading I have been expecting for a while. She was afraid I would yell and scream, but I didn't. I sat there and took it, then went all in on owning all my "stuff," telling her the reason she feels all that is because of me and I deserve all she gives me. Now, for our first weekend meeting of our separation, she suggested I get a room and spend both days with her. If I hadn't taken it without anger or judgement or blame shifting, I wouldn't have got that chance. Own your sh•\ unfaithful. Our spouses deserve it .

[@samshealingpodcast]

proud of you.

[@turbo1gts]

@@samshealingpodcast You are one of the main positive influences I have found on the internet, Samuel. I so appreciate you. God bless you and the rest of the anti divorce industry.

[@jerryanddiannedennison5644]

You are the best.

[@thingsandstuff9529]

Thank you for this

[@Youshallbefilled]

You just described my husband. 10 years out and we are not any better. I’ve had to endure alone. He put way more effort in his affairs and hiding it than what he has put into fixing what he has messed up in which he still does not take full responsibility or disclose all he has done. I’m ready to walk away now.

[@phillyflyguy3590]

I'm the betrayed spouse and from start to finish- this is exactly what I've been struggling with. She wasn't putting in the work, set ceilings for her efforts and pushed back on me when I wanted to come to her with something to talk about that was affair related. I'm so tired of being the one who puts in the time and effort to heal myself while my WW tells me to stop talking about it all of the time. Almost 3 months from Dday and we have been just surviving without ever starting the healing process, I sent her this video (among other videos of yours) in hopes that she finally commits to being compassionate and insightful with herself.

[@JasonTrihey-jg3cz]

Exactly where I'm at right now. Did she decide to do the work ? How are things now?

[@kamenahdasantos8689]

I dont think you can force them to want to do the work. They have to come to that point themselves

[@elizabethlyon2950]

This is where I am at with my husband. 1 1/2 years from the 1st DDay, and 1 1/2 weeks from the 2nd in which he admitted a 4 month physical affair after he moved out to go chase her. He lied and lies, won’t offer clarity, and gets full butt hurt and shuts down if I want to even discuss what work I’m willing to do. He wants to see me every day, but not commit to do anything. I guess they should hang out in butt hurt-ville together.

[@laniec.f.2531]

Everything... in... this... video... is... SPOT ON. EVERYTHING. It's almost 6 years later and every one of these things still rings true in the relationship I've been trying to heal. This all helps me to realize that I'm not crazy. I'm not perfect, but I haven't been asking for too much. I'm done asking. I can't do this alone. This video brings relief but also an admission on my part that I don't know if I can keep going... this way. Thank you, Samuel and Affair Recovery, for being the most solid thing I've had to count on, besides myself, for nearly 6 years. Bless you.

[@laurabeelb]

Almost exactly what I wanted to say after watching this and many other of Samuel’s videos.. it’sa kick in the gut sometimes but very validating.. I’ve been working on my relationship almost 8 years and am feeling defeated..

[@laniec.f.2531]

@@laurabeelb , I feel you agony. It feels as if I'm in a relationship with a. 'Man- child'. It's like talking to a teenager -- quite emotionally immature. The man works like an ox and will do anything to put a roof over our heads, and can be the sweetest, most romantic sort, but he just can't seem to fathom the emotional needs part. Based on upbringing stories that I have heard, I believe he was emotionally stunted and shut down...and was never heard and listened to and his feelings acknowledged. The thing is, I am tired of trying to fix it. I have been patient and understanding for nearly 25 years. He has serious anger issues and is terribly defensive. I'm no Dr. Phil, and this may sound selfish, but when is it my turn? Like you, I am emotionally tired. The relationship isn't all bad, but much of it feels like I am doing this alone. Blessings to you.

[@samwilliams3353]

I've taken a lot of comfort in your videos and begin Harbouring Hope next Thursday. I won the monthly draw so exceptionally grateful. I got the email on the way to my best friends wedding hoping is a sign ❤

[@claytonjenkins5292]

There is a drawing?

[@samshealingpodcast]

so awesome.

[@kellyhailey8684]

Thank you for this information Samuel. I'm hoping you can give me some clarity around my unfaithful spouses behaviour. After 18 months he's only really just starting to "get it". He spent the first year of our recovery lying, trickle-truthing and gaslighting me. He lied to me, our marriage counsellor, and his individual therapist, claiming "he didn't know what he was doing". (He had multiple emotional affairs which had sexual elements to them but denies any intercourse. He's also had a porn addiction). Myself, his therapist and our marriage counsellor all tried to help him with his 'awareness' problem. We spent a fortune on counselling. Eventually, after catching him out in many lies, he admitted he knew what he was doing all along but did it anyway. After this, he withdrew from me for a number of months in what I would describe as a shame-state. During this time, when I talked about his behaviour he said I was shaming him further. I admit that at times I was harsh with him, but mostly I was just describing his behaviour and how it made me feel. After such a slow start, I really needed to make sure he could stay humble. Talking about it was also a way to finally help me work through my pain and to be sure he properly understood the damage he'd done to our marriage and to my mental health. It's as if with this admission he thinks he's now done his bit and we should be able to move forward. The year he spent lying after his behaviours came to light almost broke me, and at this point, after being so patient, I'm honestly expecting more from him. He only reads articles when I send them to him, he starts books but doesn't finish them, he's not consistently humble and at times lashes out in defensiveness. When we discuss his defensive behaviour he claims he's at his limit and can't be expected to just 'take it'. The other week he exclaimed that there's no reason to talk about his infidelity anymore, because he gets what he's done and me talking about it is stopping our recovery. He told me to talk about my pain with our therapist because that would be better for our relationship. He says he doesn't understand what I "get" from talking about it with him. Does this sound like a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to fix the marriage, as he claims he is doing? You hit the nail on the head: his lack of initiative around the recovery work is making me feel like he doesn't really care enough to make the effort. His lack of follow through is disappointing and makes me feel unloved. It's as if I'm the only one trying to save our marriage, meanwhile, he's just trying to save himself from the humiliation caused by his own actions. I'm tired Samuel. I feel like giving up. I'm in my mid thirties and know that if I leave him my chance for having children in the future will be slim to none. The thought devastates me. But at the same time I don't know if he is safe enough to even consider having children with. I sincerely loved this man. But his lack of reciprocity in effort is making my heart feel cold towards him. I know he's trying, but at what point do I conclude that his efforts thus far - while seemingly extreme to him - are just not enough for me?

[@DH12312]

Pull away, he needs to know what it feels like to lose you. He hasn’t experienced that feeling yet. Be brave, accept that it may well also be the end of your relationship if he doesn’t feel your loss is important enough for him to change. Either way you’ll have clarity. Choose yourself, it’s an act of self love and respect.

[@dianagraves9613]

Thank you for validating all of my feelings. No matter how hard I have tried, I can’t make him do the work. He thinks he did his part by halfway participating in all of these programs. I should be over it by now and stop talking about it.

[@marksullivan3310]

Just Discovered you the other day.... As an unfaithful your words really resonated with me and opened my eyes to how selfish my thoughts were..... Appreciate you 🙏

[@jilly4324]

Yes! When I confront him calmly about things that concern me and he says "I can't seem to do anything right", or "there I go, disappointing you again", it just makes me cringe and put walls up. It's also unsafe when he expects a level playing field while trust is being rebuilt. For example, he "offered" to put key logging software on his phone to see that he's not texting her, but then said it's only fair if I put that on my phone too, if we're both going to be "fully known". He's also inconsistent with daily life responsibilities and recovery work, which is the opposite of sowing stability and security! He also comes across like he needs a carrot to make lifestyle shifts and character changes. You don't need a 'reward' to be a man of character and be a responsible steady grown man!

[@lisadee0276]

Samuel, I/we have used humor more than once to deal with such extraordinarily difficult set of circumstances. That said, at around 10:09 when you started talking about the ws "no longer needing to be swaddled... " and how it's time to be a big boy..." I laughed so much😅😆😆 thank you for the much-needed laugh! It's funny because it's true

[@brenale_heartsJesus]

Great video

[@jamesmcconnell000]

Your a big help to alot of people, including myself. Remarkable and most appreciated my friend.

[@FloMorganBuffaloBills]

He is unsafe right now, plus he knows that until he finishes step 9 , I am unwilling to do couples work. I will then know if forgiveness is something I can give him. Right now he hates my rigorous honesty.

[@Ughwhatevs]

Praying for a flood of forgiveness to enter your heart, Florence. I know how difficult it is to forgive, especially when they don't ask for it, don't want it and, often, don't think they've even done anything wrong in the first place. My belief is that we're called to forgive despite all of this. That the measure we forgive is the measure we are forgiven. And that we should forgive all the way to the end of ourselves. It might be one of the most difficult things we're called to do in this life. God bless.

[@g-level2589]

I been waiting 5+ years for this video Sam, in a nutshell my wife made it so much harder on all of us with her affair

[@terrisims9008]

What do you do when you live in a rural area and there is no help.. my insurance is useless.

[@katsarti9224]

Thankyou Sam💖

[@samshealingpodcast]

pleasure.

[@seanroberts8884]

I've been told that I'm not allowed to have boundaries until I'm safe... Is very frustrating being the unfaithful And not having anybody to express my anger sadness or depression with, Without being labeled A victim or feeling Sorry for myself. This is the hardest road I've EVER traveled And I have no one to bear my burdens with me. My poor with has so much trauma and I can't even help her because I cannot help myself!

[@samshealingpodcast]

if you want to help yourself, take our hope for healing course, find an expert therapist you can get help from, do the work you need to do to get healthy. no one can do your work for you.

[@turbo1gts]

If you can't get help at least reflect back on past mistakes and admit them wholeheartedly without expecting an immediate(or even quick) reciprocation. It can do wonders...

[@seanroberts8884]

@@turbo1gts I've done this very thing and the things have gotten nothing but worse. I am a little and put down in front of my children almost on a daily basis. All while being screamed at in front of them and being called abusive. Just because I'm a man and raise my voice and get loud sometimes that makes me abusive?

[@terrywade3696]

@@seanroberts8884 It seems like you’re making it all about you. Sure, facing the consequences of your actions is uncomfortable and hard. What about the utter destruction you brought upon your wife and children? Grow a heart for them and their suffering.