Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships | Joanne Davila | TEDxSBU

[@OlivePapyrus]

First lesson: find yourself a partner who is willing to learn and develop themselves alongside you.

[@lukehartley8125]

Yep you got it😇

[@manictiger]

Lesson 1: There's no problem too big for suicide to fix.

[@selaine826]

Great advice thanks

[@joec1212]

Attractive women wait at the finish line and pick the winners. They arent interested in a build a boo.

[@wineoe]

Olive Papyrus wanting to learn is thirst and hunger for all life’s gifts. Wanting to change is is generosity of gifting one’s life to the other. To be a safe holder of someone ‘s life is a huge deal.

[@InnaAllStar]

Imagine being called down to an assembly in high school and having this talk presented. Half of assemblies were so pointless.. imagine what something like this could have done for ALL high school couples. I would personally be so interested in this even in grade 9.

[@DarkPa1adin]

because there is no paid programme for assemblies... so teachers don't take heart to prepare

[@danielwait8555]

I may be wrong, but judging from the way terms you use, it sounds like you were in a South African school.

[@danielwait8555]

@Jose Sanchez shot for that, I meant @InnaAllStar in particular

[@JLimma]

InnaAllStar I think so

[@Relmyna]

I would have hated it as a teen who had been in therapy. Remember 14 yr olds know everything. Right? I doubt anyone would really take it seriously lest they show vulnerability in front of the savage jackals of high school peers.

[@davidzaremba3527]

It is not only finding the right partner, it is also being the right partner. My wife and I have a system. When either one asks “could you”…that means the the task can wait or not be done at all. But when one says I “need you” to…the other partner drops everything, does the task with no questions asked. Although seldom used, this system has worked beautifully. Most importantly, you don’t keep count

[@garrulus3399]

That's cool, thanks for sharing!

[@michaelacappabianca6461]

That’s great I love that you have a partner you can work with in that way to clear that common communication issue with sense of urgency of an ask.

[@m4ndo224]

Dude the not keeping count thing is so so true. Keeping count leads to resentment weather your doing more or less. Trust that your partner will do their part without constantly comparing to what your doing is so important.

[@monaeeekattii6923]

Thats great advice we need to know how we communicate with each other👍

[@minuagrawallarelationshipc-s6m]

Thanks for the beautiful advice

[@bramtyross7297]

I love how she took 13 and 14 year old girls results seriously. Most people wouldn't pay attention because they think they don't last. But what you learn from when you're young really affects future relationships.

[@PeterBakker]

It's the same with your pension. People often start too late 😢

[@abobora07]

I wish I had learned this before destroying my relationship. Now I can see how unhealthy I was being to my former partner. Thank you for helping me in this quest to be a better person myself.

[@benstr8156]

Well, now you know. Move forward from this point.

[@themaggattack]

I know how you feel. Learning how to act right once it's too late to fix your relationship is a very hard pill to swallow. But at least we can learn how to do better for the next person we might go into a relationship with.

[@Oliviaheckel]

I feel exactly the same way, and Im depressed because know that I figure out what was going wrong my partner is sick of me and he ask me for the divorce.

[@beyondewhatsseen2790]

​@@Oliviaheckelwell it might not be too late to start over with him again

[@himyim6029]

it's because the major society doesn't give emphasis on these kind of culture.

[@susgra21]

I wish they'd teach this in schools. We are sent off into the world with no financial education, relationship training, or real-world skills. If you come from a family lacking of, or dysfunctional in, any of these areas, good luck; you are likely to repeat what you've been exposed to.

[@Anmol34]

Jane S Verbatim.

[@dtasat]

Anmol Solapur

[@Anmol34]

***** Yes? :)

[@TheBearCarr]

Anton Gruba the person slut shaming girls who also has uploaded only videos of super sexualized women. hypocrite.

[@kindrickford]

Sarah Carr lmao, that guy isn't too bright, maybe he should shut up and listen... then he'll learn

[@sarahbeauvais8573]

"No amount of premarital education can make up for a bad partner choice" savage and true I love it!!!!!

[@stevenhernandeznon-profitf968]

Sarah Beauvais I am a marriage educator and I totally ageee

[@joec1212]

If you were properly educated you probably wouldn't have made a bad choice.

[@magic131]

Steven Hernandez Non-profit fundamentals Marriage educator?! So u charge people for stuff u can find on the internet...

[@AlishaKapani]

lol this is true!

[@hujilato1006]

It's sad situation when am away for my job that my wife was having love affair with my best friend, I noticed she was getting closer with my friend, and she chat in private now and receives call in private. He also changed his password. I was wondering what was going on until I was introduced to Optimum_tech001 on IG by a close friend. He access my wife's facebook and Whatsapp. She had been having affairs with my best friend for about 6 months now. With proof of her unfaithfulness I've been over that toxic relationship.

[@arneytjaro310]

Last night I made my girl cry for the first time. It literally destroyed me hard core. From today onwards I've dedicated to invest in my relationship.

[@hopedean6424]

That's great that you're striving to be a good partner

[@arneytjaro310]

@@hopedean6424 thanks

[@jonassal6937]

What did you do? I told my ex she was annoying sometimes. She cried.

[@keonagirl435]

We ALL CRY ! It's a human thing and she'll cry again, I'm sure!

[@joshhansen858]

@@jonassal6937 dude don't ever told a girl stuff like that lmao

[@luigidibenedetto7026]

Love is not looking into each other eyes but also looking the same direction

[@amandagracegrace3329]

Hello there

[@sarak.6189]

Well said.

[@MistyshaAnguo]

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry Great quote

[@HentiHorn]

Hello how are you doing

[@HentiHorn]

​@@MistyshaAnguohello how are you doing

[@strawberrycheesecake6899]

1.Genuinely knowing what you need and want in a partner and a relationship 2. Selecting the right person 3. Having and developing the relationship competence skills from the beginning 3.1. Insight (Awareness, learning) A better idea of who you are, you need, you want. Knowing your partner better. Anticipate the negative/positive consequences of your behavior better. 3.2. Mutuality Knowing both people have needs and both needs matter. Be able to communicate your needs clearly. Be willing to meet your partner's needs. Factor both your and your partner's needs in decision making. 3.3. Emotion regulation Keep your emotion calm. Think through your decisions more clearly. Maintain your self - respect and commitment to your needs even when bad things happen in the relationship.

[@robertrainford6754]

I did all these. Sadly my ex gave up halfway through, and called it quits 10 months in.

[@Amek909]

Real mvp 👏🏼

[@kain3101]

thank you

[@cxa011500]

Points: Insight, mutuality and emotion regulation. Insight - Awareness, understanding and learning. Knowing what's right for you. Mutuality - Knowing both people have needs and both needs matter, and working to meet those needs. Emotion Regulation - Regulating your feelings in response to things that happen in the relationship. Tolerate uncomfortable feelings and not lash out. Good talk. A lot of people need to see this. Wish I saw this 20 years ago. Now I feel totally emotionally incompetent and feel like it's just too much of a hassle to try to connect with people.

[@normallytangent]

Thanks a ton!

[@trangmai3197]

Thanks :D

[@Claudia-xb4lt]

0

[@Garland67]

cxa011500 You're on the right track. At least you saw the video at all! Just apply what you learned from now on. xo

[@schoolkutielake5336]

Nice video content! Forgive me for chiming in, I am interested in your initial thoughts. Have you tried - Lammywalness his happiness Guide (erm, check it on google should be there)? It is a smashing exclusive product for understanding what men really want minus the normal expense. Ive heard some extraordinary things about it and my buddy after a lifetime of fighting got astronomical success with it.

[@theoverthinker9641]

I must be super into this guy, for me to start doing research on how to love him better

[@queenofscrolls7585]

Make sure he's doing the same for you love!

[@markviles852]

You should love yourself. Also.

[@ndeb3371]

Is it working out?

[@itsnunupie]

@The Overthinker... love your comment. I'm in boat just like yours right now

[@theoverthinker9641]

@@ndeb3371 We didn't exactly end up together...but what I learned helped me mend my relationships with family so all's well that ends well ♥ good luck to you!

[@FrankM]

Selecting the right partner is very challenging because people don't come with a manual or a QR code, which you can scan with your mobile device, to get insight into their personality. A lot of people hide their true selves, only showing their best version in the beginning, until a few weeks or few months later you begin to see them for who they are. This is why relationships are exhausting.

[@wend13]

Yeah :(

[@katharina...]

That's true. Another thing is that we tend to feel instinctively attracted to what we are familiar with, what we emotionally know from our past, so those of us who grew up in a chaotic, insecure or even unloving environment have it that much harder to choose a stable, honest, loving person for a relationship - we simply filter these type of people out because they feel too distant and unknowable to us.

[@2126Eliza]

Exactly. It's hard to find an authentic person. They're usually a conglomeration of expectations and (unfortunately) religious brainwashing. One of my priorities is to find someone raised without a religious background like me, because whether they turn atheist or not, there's just too much baggage that comes with indoctrination.

[@legalservices8856]

I couldn't agree with you more Frank M! I gave up 5 years ago after dealing with someone just like you describe; a chameleon who became exactly who he thought I wanted just to get what he wanted... it is exhausting and I have become happily single after getting over that mind f**king ordeal.

[@Brouwagnes]

Frank M question

[@fadilapoese4423]

Healthy relationships:❣ Selecting the right person! 3 skills: 1. Insight: learning and understanding yourself and your partner. What is really right 4 you. 2. Mutuality: willing to meet your partner needs/ decisions. 3. Emotions regulations ( keep everything in perspective) tolerate uncomfortable situations) self respect.

[@odar9729]

Yay you will pass the test. But life will be the same.

[@abayomiogundeji8368]

Hello

[@sasha.t3737]

From what I've seen, you have to practice healthy relationships with others, (family, friends, coworkers, etc) Bc if you don't you're just gonna carry your bad relationship habits into your romance, no matter how much you "love" the person. For example, If you are impatient with your siblings Or if you regularly tell White lies to your parents/ boss you're gonna do it to your S/O as well. Because those are the relationship habits that you've formed.

[@danielleanita4988]

You're definitely right! I think people forget to practice certain skills to maintaining a healthy relationship with many people in your life, not just one person. Great point!

[@Zelanias]

im a bit impatient. I want to meet often if im interested /curious and learn more about the person as much as i can, its like almost like my mind gets "consumed" and its never reciprocrated. I dont know what to do about this. I never get this feeling with friends or family...

[@sixvowels6268]

@@Zelaniashey, perhaps you can check out this concept called the “anxious attachment style”. There are books on attachment styles that can help explain your behaviour, and how to work around it. It can also help explain to your partner why you are the way you are :)

[@Zelanias]

@@sixvowels6268 thank you!! I will check it out :D

[@rodneyjj2336]

It's 5:25 am in my part of the World and I am in my quest to be a better partner, thank you for this video it adds to my knowledge of change and burning the past things(white lies, defensiveness, taking accountability) I've come a long way I am proud of myself, but yet keep learning and not drifting back into old ways. Thank you, guys.

[@dzanroach]

the deliverance of that speach was near perfect.

[@greeeneyes91]

+Daniel Dawson so true, really enjoyable. I guess it wasn't the first time she delivered this speech

[@dragony3931]

agreed

[@shawnellemartineaux6212]

Daniel Dawson *delivery :p I couldn't agree more. it was well delivered.

[@MissLaadyG]

Shawnelle Martineaux ahahaha 🤣😆 !! délivrance in French is when you feel liberated actually

[@alistairmackinnon4216]

For kindergartners...

[@anor33]

Everyone agrees that emotional intelligence and awareness are essential. The real question is how to acquire those skills? How does a person learn insight, mutuality and emotional regulation?

[@YoungCub]

+Coach Craig Kenneth no.

[@JaniJani4088]

Maturity

[@JoseSanchez-bp7xz]

anor33 Common sense. Of course, some people have none.

[@jamescarter2499]

Hello nice to meet you

[@johnnyray9107]

I think the first step is just becoming aware that these are things to be worked on. For each of these three things, a majority of learning them comes through recognizing when they are applicable, thinking about them, and communicating with a partner. For insight, consider what you need in a relationship. (E.g. do you want more of an open relationship or do you want something private? Do you want someone who has a set career path/life-plan or someone who has no particular plans? Does this person need similar political beliefs as I do?) This is something one would spend a lot of time thinking about. For mutuality, one can practice with a partner by communicating their needs. Consider "does my partner really know how I feel about _____?" Communicating seems easy at first because you're always talking to your partner, but consider when don't you tell you partner things and why. I've seen it happen often that people dont communicate their needs directly. Emotion regulation is another one that requires a lot of thought. How do you feel about things and how do you respond to them? If you find yourself unhappy, consider "why?" Is it because of your partner that you feel that way? Personally, there were many times when I would become extremely moody and need constant reassurrance my partner still liked me. I didnt distrust her, I just couldnt convince myself. Lo and behold after going out for almost 4 years I discovered I become extremely moody when I'm hungry. (Its insight that helped me see that.) When I feel that she doesnt like me or that I need to worry she'll up and leave, I need to practice emotion regulation. Before I prod her for reassurrance, I take a breather and get a snack. I feel so much better ever single time. Mutuality allowed me to communicate this to her and organize that we constantly have snacks around in case one of us feels moody.

[@Lanamarri36712]

My mom died when I was 13 my Dad was an abusive alcoholic who never even said I love you. I grew up not knowing love and looking for it in all the wrong places. This talk struck a nerve in me I don’t feel sorry for myself but I wished there was a high school course that taught this instead of other silly and unecessary things taught. Thanks for enlightenment 😊

[@henrikliam9564]

Hi Lana, that was a great comment you made. I feel your pain...how are you doing?

[@angelinadenisenko7396]

I believe the person I am dating resonates with this. He has a troubled, unloved past. I am trying to give him the love he deserves but he can't seem to receive it or reciprocate. Do you have some insight into this? He is really an amazing person, so many great qualities and I see a genuine soul. However it is so tricky for me to know how to act.

[@Lanamarri36712]

Henrik Liam Hi Henrik I’m doing fine this pandemic has put a damper on dating and I find myself missing my last boyfriend who ghosted me because of poor communication. Anyway, just keep on learning. How are you?

[@Lanamarri36712]

Angelina Denisenko he needs to have his past forgiven by himself or God. We all have troubles even in the best families and relationships. It all stems from how the ego perceives the attack... it either opens them up to talk or makes them run away thinking it’s not a worthy relationship. Don’t walk on eggs because you want someone so bad. I was there I loved a guy like that but he didn’t treat me with respect and looking back I see it wasn’t me it was him.

[@angelinadenisenko7396]

@@Lanamarri36712 wow thank you for your well thought out answer! Take care!!

[@ehSamantha]

Skills for a better/healthy relationship Insight -Learning, awareness -Why you do the things you do -Understand who your partner is -Being able to anticipate how certain situations would go -learn from mistakes to do things differently next time -what’s right for you in a relationship(boundaries?) Mutuality -know that both ppl have needs, and both needs matter -convey own needs clearly that increases the chance of them being met -welling to meet partners needs -let’s you factor both ppls needs into decisions that you make about your relationship Emotion Regulation -regulating your feelings in response to things that happen in your relationship -be able to keep calm and keep things that happen in your relationship in perspective -be able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and not act out repulsively -maintain a sense of self respect and commit to your needs even when bad things happen in your relationship

[@mehreen_syed__]

Thank you so much 💕

[@eisoftruth4428]

GREAT book to help men understand women and have much better relationships: "SMILE AND NOD: A Man's Guide To Having A Successful Relationship With A Woman" Look it up on Amazon, you'll be glad you did!

[@sunvaj6754]

Good job!

[@arrj7002]

What means let's you factor? I'm not an English speaker and this caught my curiosity for what it means

[@Stanford017-yg4fw]

❤

[@CutiePi]

I'm educating myself for my future girlfriend 😀

[@QueenMean2131]

CutiePi Thank you! She will be a lucky women! I'm doing the same for my future husband!

[@TheBellaZendayaVEVO]

You’re a wonderful man! ❤️❤️

[@elainelam6883]

CutiePi have you found your desired girlfriend?

[@libertasca1636]

Same here 😊🤜🏼🤛🏼

[@shannonfahey24]

So am I! The wise learn from other people's mistakes.

[@emimiwimi]

her voice is so calming

[@crazyabout1327]

I'm studying psychology and had a nonverbal communication course the previous semester. And I saw pretty much nonverbal signals which were made on purpose - the calm voice, the hand gestures, the pose, even the way she's looking at the audience. Don't know why I said that really :D Just wanted to share :D

[@a.wilkins1708]

Dessy K. I avoided looking at hrs because what you talked about distracted me from what she was saying.

[@s.h.8399]

Do you know Paris Geller from Gilmore Girls? It really reminded me of her, and she's like the strongest women character I've seen in any tv-show. If you don't watch the show, watch some youtube-clips, I guess you'd agree. :)

[@9897mm]

saskia h. I got the same feeling haha

[@jeeroylenkins6625]

she is a therapist, of course

[@Peristerium]

I'm really bad at regulating emotions. I feel discarded/abandoned the minute someone that I care about seems distant. As a result, I also back away because I've had experiences in the past where I get hurt from trying to bridge the gap when someone is distant.

[@HenriettaP]

Menouthis Me too. It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style, which makes you instinctively very sensitive to your partner pulling away. Read "Attached" by Amin Levine and Rachel Heller and it will help. It's important for you to find a partner who is securely attached so they don't push your buttons and can support you when your "attachment hunger" comes up.

[@christinacataldi877]

Menouthis I’m the same way!!! Thanks to our lousy upbringings. I was so emotionally isolated and neglected my whole childhood and I know without a doubt now my parents negligence and financial priorities set me up for this fate. I’m damaged and it’s not that there is hope for healing but it’s that much more difficult to navigate with another human being. We’re also so afraid of getting hurt again we can’t even get our relationships off the ground because out trust muscle is so damaged. Better to get healed some where like Celebrate Recovery. It might take years but you’ll get there eventually.

[@watisdit7124]

I’ll teach you a effective strategy Download a metronome on your phone Adjust the metronome to 26 bpm Focus on your breathing breath deeply While you breath Expand your belly It calms you mentally and emotionally Do this often enough after while you can do this with out the metronome

[@watisdit7124]

VKRGFAN What’s borderline

[@deprofundis3293]

Same...

[@gr8prajwalb]

Step 1: Find someone who is willing to get in a relationship with you. I am stuck on step 1

[@norkagonzalez3408]

There are a few factors in saving your marriage. One resource I discovered that successfully combines these is the Pavs partner pundit (check it out on google) it's the most useful blueprint that I've heard of. Check out all the incredible information .

[@contemplativeleaf]

First, observe the relationship that you have with yourself. Reflect on what it might take to become the best version of yourself. Pay attention to your mistakes and learn from them. I believe it's an endless process. The right person will find you and you will be ready for them. ⭐

[@AntjeMoench]

Nice Video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love him so much I can't stop thinking about him, l've tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I'm frustrated, I don't see my life as anyone else. I've done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can't, I don't know why I'm saying this here, I really miss him and just can't stop thinking about him.

[@BarbaraLinton-k1c]

I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about two years ago, but I could not let him go, so I had to do all I could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring him back, now we are back together, and I must say I am enjoying every moment...

[@AntjeMoench]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do I reach one.?

[@BarbaraLinton-k1c]

His name is fatherabulu, and him is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex...

[@AntjeMoench]

Thank you for this valuable information, I just looked him up online. impressive.

[@NadiaMichelle]

Intimacy,, security, respect, good communication, a sense of being valued. On the bad side: fighting too much, not being able to go to your partner for support, contempt, hostility, violence. The problem: Do you know what to do on a day to day basis to create that healthy relationship? 1. Know what you need and want from a partner and a relationship 2. Choose the right partner 3. Having a good set of skills Skills: 1. Insight. 2. Mutuality 3. Emotion Regulation

[@cindirose3390]

Very nice summary, thanks for creating and sharing

[@odar9729]

Right and yet I have no tool from this video.

[@MariahNicoleDaSinger]

I have no idea on how to do so to be honest

[@icysnow57cold64]

I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death. I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse. Also, you are more likely to be much more closer to someone who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a romantic partner or spouse. People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner or spouse. Most people consider their platonic best friend to be their soulmate rather than their romantic partner or spouse.

[@HentiHorn]

Yes you are right

[@JanelleFraser]

yes, I think teaching the young to have healthy relationships is SO important!

[@sophiashcherbakova2867]

Lovely video content! Forgive me for butting in, I am interested in your thoughts. Have you ever tried - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (Have a quick look on google cant remember the place now)? It is a great exclusive guide for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger minus the normal expense. Ive heard some pretty good things about it and my cousin at last got amazing results with it.

[@LinG749]

Janelle Fraser 唉唉

[@ValleyoftheRogue]

I don't think it is important at all. This video is just a bunch of moralistic nonsense.

[@user-lx4uk5un7s]

Not just young people, folks of all ages could use a lesson in partner selection, and how to be in a relationship. I know a lot of "older" folks who can not achieve what they want relationship wise or to build and maintain a healthy relationship...:)

[@susycastillo13]

Janelle Fraser remember we are not above it. We too need the love and nurturing care that comes from learning by teaching. :)!

[@mariahlobello3179]

I'm an early childhood educator and almost all of these things sounds like our social emotional goals. (Balancing our own needs with others, emoutional regulation, solving social problems, ect.) We are getting children that more and more often have experienced trauma and struggle with these skills. I think the solution is embedding them into our curriculum for early childhood and elementary school as well as beyond.

[@PeterBakker]

Some more education in life skills would let us thrive a lot more when live is throwing things at us 😊

[@erickmurillo3437]

"with insight, you'll be able to understand your partner more" she sounds like she's unveiling new software.

[@bennyton2560]

lmao

[@OS-qb1ve]

thought the same :D

[@praxis6172]

In a way isn't that what it is. Software update.

[@marchbaiboroma800]

Hey

[@shambhavivashistha2065]

🤣🤣🤣

[@haileyoswald8135]

honestly, this is the best thing i’ve ever heard. I watched this 3 days ago, I’ve been losing hope in my relationship with my boyfriend because we constantly fought and never got along, and for the past 3 days we’ve been happier then ever. He even said he thinks he have something we didn’t have before not like there wasn’t anything special in the beginning but we both have a lot of hope that it’ll workout! I didn’t realize how important it is to control my emotions and being more aware of things. It helped me way more then I expected.

[@analiaflorentin6989]

Are u still with him ?

[@Itzeldirem]

Insight is basically Self-Awareness, insight is good communication skills and emotional regulation relates back to self awareness. These skills are possible through a daily practice of inner reflexion, introspection, self observation, meditation, prayer. In sum, it is about Spiritual Growth and relationships are a call to grow.

[@luciadixon8630]

This is all very good in theory but if you haven't been brought up in a secure environment, to develop this level of awareness and self-confidence then it's no simple matter to learn emotional regulation in particular. This research just seems to reiterate that those lucky enough to have a good start in life and consequent secure attachment are going to do well in relationships, those who haven't are going to struggle. Where is the intervention?

[@mallorywaters7295]

www.skillsforhealthyrelationships.com/

[@Rhea390]

The fact is that these skills are going to help you in your relationships, whether you've been brought up in a good environment or not. Yes it's hard for some that were unfortunate to have a bad start in life but developing these skills will only help them in the future. It's going to be extremely difficult for them compared to the lucky ones but it's not impossible. Just because someone's had a bad beginning doesn't mean they should have a bad journey.

[@laurab9867]

True, but if you are unhappy and really love someone, you search for answers. Nowadays, we have tools that our parents and grandparents didn't have (therapy, books, tapes, videos, other counseling). You don't have to be lucky, just have a little intelligence.

[@aprameyaananda8046]

Lucia Dixon I agree that comming to a healthy environment the start and flow of life will be easy. But closing yourself to the. Solutions available to grown ups from less favourable or harsh Environments doesn't help becuse the Solutions exist and one life can be blissful. I am one of this people actually. Was it easy, at times no, very difficult but it was worthy!

[@luciadixon8630]

I am not saying I'm closed to potential solutions and growth, I'm just saying this talk makes it sound so easy and doesn't seem to factor in these personal differences or how hard it can be for some. Of course it's just a quick snapshot of their ideas. I've actually bought the book and think it has a lot of really useful and interesting suggestions. I recommend it. And I'm glad that you were able to find that kind of transformation despite the challenges. That is what I wish for all. I'm glad my comment has at least generated these affirming responses!

[@vilmantasramanauskas728]

You have to master three things in order to have healthy romantic relationship: insight (common sense), mutuality (think not only about yourself, but also about your partner and his/her needs) and emotion regulation (emotional intelligence).

[@kemonagolding55]

Vilmantas Ramanauskas 💪🏽👌🏽👌🏽

[@mankishorpan6646]

@@kemonagolding55 eoyriuygj. Bsvm

[@rhyzahgoco687]

This is ok .tnx

[@MattMussett]

🙌

[@Somebody782]

respect, feeling valued Romantic comeptence: 4:40 insight - abiblity to anticipate you and partner 6:30 mutuality - support of needs, wishes 8:30 emotional regulation - tolerate uncomfy feelings 10:00 eg: bday gift

[@herrerad3]

I started treating my marriage like my garden and my marriage started to blossom. 💪 🌸

[@IsabellaNorman-fn4mu]

So lovely

[@SofiaJames-to5nr]

Hi I'm Sofia, how are you doing

[@herrerad3]

@@SofiaJames-to5nr Hi friend 👋

[@RubenHernandez-dj4pm]

I truly believe these instincts should be devolped when your are single. The way you communicate with co-workers, family, friend etc. So that when you step into a relationship it doesn't feel overwhelming becuase your trying to change for someone so quickly.

[@seraffi]

I honestly don’t know what to do in my relationship, he treats me right and everything but I feel like I just can’t trust him because of my past of boys cheating and abusive relationships etc, I really do want to work out with him and trust him, but I cannot bring myself to do so, I really hope I gain trust before it’s too late, I love him so much🤦🏼‍♀️

[@Belenciaga5199]

Same here. It’s fr hard

[@Laughter17]

See a Therapist by yourself...this are your issues that u need to work through Good luck

[@gboard17]

I'm trying to be a romance song writer. I hope you find a song you like.

[@jazzyfoxes]

This video really helped me understand how complex a relationship is. I feel like i actually learned how to be a better girlfriend and how to support the relationship. I am a extremely insecure person and ive had problems with jealousy, so this video really helped me. Thank you for posting this video, i am really glad i found this.

[@HentiHorn]

Hello how are you doing

[@abhishekmangaraj]

Re-watching it again and again over the course of the last 5 years. Every word she spoke is true and valuable.

[@kellesalle9878]

I am so not romantically competent. That's what I've learnt from watching this talk.

[@blueishpiano4]

This talk also teaches this is something you can learn and train

[@yvonnegaskin7089]

Kelle Salle fix it

[@toufikboulahlibe647]

PouRNou

[@joshhansen858]

@Willibald Brösel it's not hard to improve your self if you want to..

[@o0Avalon0o]

Sometimes you just need to hear a TedTalk like this to help you sort through your thoughts in a more positive, analytical way.

[@LessonsInLife]

Sometime if you want to improve your relationships, the simplest strategy is to fully engage in each conversation, without doing any of the distracting activities. Awesome video 😍

[@lukemading5890]

Skills you need ( JUST FOR MY OWN NOTES ) 3:21 4:28 1. Insight - Awareness, understanding, and learning. Knowing what's right for you. 6:20 2. Mutuality - Knowing both people have needs and both needs matter, and working to meet those needs. 7:55 3. Emotion Regulation - Regulating your feelings in response to things that happen in the relationship. Tolerate uncomfortable feelings and not lash out. 9:53 11:37 14:40

[@valerymolone]

Healthy relationship is good communication, people seems to lack that these days.

[@its_a_poncho]

Valery Molone yes

[@christinacataldi877]

Coach Valery Molone transparency and vulnerability are what’s not happening. Thereby tainting the communication process.

[@Alphacentauri819]

Fear and selfishness are two big communication sabotages... to have good communication you have to be able to feel safe, so you can be vulnerable and connect authentically

[@hopedean6424]

I think people, in my experience, are actually quite good at communicating about their feelings now, especially regarding mental health

[@sarahhumphreys3980]

I think people are good at communicating with each other what they are not good at is how they communicate.some people get upset at their partner for doing or not doing something. They attack the person so to speak rather than attacking the problem of what was done or not done.

[@Ssengel69]

Going thru some of the things that she said, its not too late to change and if you both truly love one another then you can overcome anything. There is no manual on this and there is no perfect relationship. Expect errors and mistakes and own up to them but at the same time try not to beat down on yourself.

[@gboard17]

I'm trying to be a romance song writer. I need to revamp a lot of old lyrics.

[@deliciathomp1593]

I have a healthier relationship with my dog than most people 🤷🏽‍♀️💁🏽💁🏽

[@ifh4030]

Emerson __ Well, most people don't know your dog so that isn't surprising.

[@sgtjorgecastaneda3276]

Emerson __ Amene Amén amen 09.09.18. Percent

[@deefloyd1]

Me too

[@ucheogbormeh8195]

I gat you

[@FashionBarbieTV]

well, yes because dogs are animals, they are not as complex and don’t communicate the same way as humans.

[@janmondragon444]

I like her voice and how calming she speaks. The way she perceives and describes how to regulate yourself is so great

[@AnthonyPatrick01]

Hello 🌹 👋 Miss how are you doing today hope you're doing great

[@spoonman4024]

8 years since this was posted and it's heartbreaking to see how the wisdom here hasn't been applied to our culture. So incredibly thankful for my wife and all the hard work we have put into building a quality relationship. It's invaluable, and we need to start teaching these skills more actively.

[@rachelle2227]

I'm in my first relationship as a young adult. It's long distance (but he's here for three months), 7 months and going strong. Constantly looking for ways to strengthen our relationship, even though it seems rock solid now. I want us to get married. We're both very relationship competent, always looking for ways to strengthen it. I guess I need this video but an 'advanced version', because my partner and I are already doing and displaying all of these things.

[@eeshajamil8503]

rachelle2227 hope you two are still going strong and if you find something more advanced please do share!

[@Michelle-rj1kc]

Are you still together? If so tell me your secrets🙃 how to deal with the long distance

[@queenofscrolls7585]

If you guys already do these things thst is so great!

[@jitpackjoyride]

I get what you mean, I would appreciate an advanced version coz I just learnt all this the hard way already over the past 2 years. If there's not any further dialogue on this topic, I feel like all of us would just have to learn it for ourselves the hard way and that would be a waste of human effectiveness

[@joshhansen858]

@@Michelle-rj1kc it's hard but nice when you meet after a while. and the love is getting stronger. or you prefer meet your partner everyday but having often fight and mindgaming lol

[@radicalhonesty3628]

lots arises in me as I watch this video. mainly this: I'm falling, again, for another unavailable person... because the illusion and fantasy and escape of this person, is all I've got... so I let myself fall. let myself get attached. because I'm old now, and the deepest shame and agony of my life, is that I've never-ever been in an intimate-romantic relationship... and the reality of this anguishes me, consumes me. fills me with: grief, shame, rage, longing, loneliness, despair, wanting, needing, desperation... so I cling, achingly, to anyone that shows me: any attention...

[@johnathonmaurice9379]

I'm 24 ( young) and have been practicing these skills. They are very helpful and my relationship has been great ( definitely not perfect) thus far. It's a continuos practice, that has stared to become second nature. Im am truly amazed. Thank you.

[@SofiaJames-to5nr]

Hi am Sofia, how are you doing

[@LovingAtlanta]

👍It’s called Romantic Competence 👍 Insight 👍 Mutuality 👍 Emotion regulation Somehow I figured this out. I love how she articulated it. I didn’t know this is what I was doing, but I’ve been doing it and it does work well. 💞

[@michaelsomwaru3259]

This is so needed for all mankind . There are so much people (dating coaches) talking about how to pick up girls, how to stun them , how have them go to bed with you but no talks about , how to truly love them , care for them , and really experience the bliss a man and a woman can experience with each other if they really were living the life God designed them to live .

[@Johnny_G51]

The very first comments she made about an unhealthy relationship were exactly what my marriage was like, which Is why I left. All makes sense now.

[@sistasbtrippin8983]

Great points; many times people not only choose "bad" partners, they also enter into relationships as unhealthy individuals seeking to be healed. Unfortunately, for good reason, its not our partners job to heal us. We must be self sufficient and healthy individuals before we can create healthy relationships.

[@2202Winterful]

For me it’s loneliness

[@Kimberly-up1cb]

Not so. See Esther Perel.

[@kode562]

Im 27 and im just getting educated about having a healthy relationship. Wish i knew sooner, but is not too late ether.

[@mikerotch6733]

My cousin has been married to this guy for about 2 years now, and I have never seen them argue, like at all

[@SofiaJames-to5nr]

Hi how are you doing

[@seignee]

Insight : Knowing who you are and who your partner is. Mutuality : Finding a comprimise, taking you and your partner's needs and communicating that with each other. Emotion Regulation : Regulating your own stress, anger and emotions so it doesn't negatively impact your relationship.

[@meesamagill1193]

both people in the relationship need to develop the skills though otherwise it wont work but great ideas.

[@doctorandrew6353]

Lost lover Call/Whatsapp =27638982712 Do you have a troubled relationship? You want your lover back to you? Problems of a Cheating partner? You want to fall into love with someone? You tried your best but nothing is helping? Can’t find your soul mate? Your marriage is falling apart? Attracted to someone who doesn’t care about you? Fighting a lot with your spouse? Having problems with someone who want your man or woman? Trust issues Your partner wont committee to you?

[@aaronlim2PlaysMC]

^this. she also states this in the beginning and near the end for a reason. relationships aren't carried by a single person. its not a relationship at that point

[@Smacy]

Yeah this was very “woman bear the burden” heavy.

[@plutonium120]

that's implied by the definition of 'mutuality,' but i guess you don't actually know what words mean.

[@リンゴ酢-b8g]

men can get away with a lot. and girls love them for it

[@sarahjinheec5205]

Summary: Having “Insight” to know yourself and your partner, Having “Mutuality” to meet both persons’ needs and give support, Having “Emotion Regulation Skill” to calmly deal with emotions you face in diverse situations.

[@ericmorgan2222]

Best comment ever, I will love to know you if you don’t mind

[@AntonySamon]

Hello dear friend, how are you and nice to meet you here, i want to say you really pretty.

[@HentiHorn]

Hello how are you doing

[@peachfreude]

What I can take from this is as a partner, we gotta be understanding, have a good faith in our partner, be calm and reasonable.

[@EltonGordon]

Thank you after many years and failed relationships my personal/business, I never once thought we as humans could crack the code with your partner to feel and maintain equality through all fronts, also knowing child hood trauma and the failure it created in me because all i wanted to do was forget to say anything to get out of it, could have saved allot of heartache, I will pursue Ms Davilla I look forward to the next discussion...

[@ВячеславШолохов-ф9п]

I agree with the message, but really think, that she got casuality backwards. I mean, she told about romantically competent people being more rational and mentally healthy. In my opinion, its the other way around - mentally healthy people are more romantically competent. I think her theory could use neuroscientific approach.

[@MM-Iconoclast]

Similar - I got 'people who do things well, do things well'. Or 'people who are emotionally healthy are emotionally healthy' - or mix and match. A bit of a tautology. But the basic point - that there are fundamental and simple skills to be taught - is a good one. And useful.

[@hmmmmm1988]

I was thinking the same.

[@رحمهعبدالله-م6ل]

I believe it goes both ways

[@Zenfix1]

Love is an energy, love is a mystery, love is meant to be true. Love is a part of me, love is the heart of me, love is the best thing we do."

[@dnapi]

Who said that originally?

[@chaheschopra558]

The irony is that this video is being watched by people who already know how to love but are suffering in their relationships.

[@AnnikaSmith-qm4kt]

Relationships is something you build and with understanding to grows… I would love to get to know you

[@RyleeHayes]

Litterly 😢😂

[@-Chixiie-]

I love how we aren’t even an official couple yet. Due to the fact that I’m still in highschool and he dropped out, we want to wait until we’re both legal adults. And yet here I am, trying to learn how to love him better.

[@wallyhipolit00]

On the brink of losing my partner, the love of my life. And I'm trying to learn these key elements of healthy romantic relationships to finally be the partner she deserves and the one I've always envisioned myself being. I'm praying that it's not too late and that I'm given one last chance to do and be better.

[@farandzemabramyan3729]

Meeee too

[@MXMafia13]

Same here unfortunately she might not give me another chance

[@belinderjabuya8355]

May God help you

[@shakiraafifi257]

You can do this

[@lordgilgamesh7689]

How are things now?

[@feihe8886]

Firstly ,we need to know ourselves, our personality and our need. thanks for the researchers

[@gushernandez25]

That's a big important key role in having a healthy relationship.

[@ishita_cu]

Once a relationship is scarred, having meaning conversations without argument seems just impossible. We tried a different approach, tried "Lovify" a couple questions game. In this game you have to guess what your partner likes or expects. Helped us understand each other better. Stay strong couples :)

[@HentiHorn]

Yes you are right hello how are you doing

[@Gavin-fw4pc]

Its really nice to meet you and check out your profile, infact i really like all what your profile says about you and its seems that we have lots in common.😊

[@AnthonyPatrick01]

Hello 🌹 👋 Miss how are you doing today hope you're doing great

[@marchbaiboroma800]

Hey

[@janewang4242]

after many years of unhealthy relationships, I met the love of my life and am in a very healthy and rewarding relationship. It is good to know how it looks like, but it is more important to meet the right one and keep it strong.

[@リンゴ酢-b8g]

what nationality is "he"?

[@MaryPAULINElove]

How do you know he is the right one at the beginning?

[@Ynn97]

This is ultra helpful. I learned this the hard way! My SO and I went through rough patches because I'm always expecting him to know what I want even though I say otherwise. I forgot he's only a human like me! Take note, kids. Your partner and your relationship will surely be easier to handle if you are somehow emotionally competent.

[@gboard17]

I'm trying to write some romance songs. Hope you enjoy my journery.

[@gjwkzvaksb368]

INTIMACY,SECURITY,RESPECT,GOOD COMMUNICATION & A SENSE OF BEING VALUED SKILLS FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: 1.INSIGHT-AWARENESS,UNDERSTANDING AND LEARNING 2.MUTUALITY-BOTH PEOPLE HAVE NEEDS AND BOTH SETS OF NEEDS MATTER 3.EMOTION REGULATION-KEEP YOUR EMOTION INTO PERSPECTIVE

[@awakealphachadbro3336]

Both partners need to put in effort to make it work. Sadly, most relationships are at least somewhat one sided.

[@peterogg736]

Sadly true

[@godschosenone2199]

I look back at my prior relationship and she deserves better. Early in the relationship trust was broken and it didn't function. Emotions were out of tune

[@godschosenone2199]

Great woman in my eyes. But only God can repair this.

[@godschosenone2199]

Best to step away

[@hiraina]

This is just what I needed to hear. I also think having a healthy loving relationship with yourself first.

[@veetha29]

The key of relationship is patience and communication. This is all about.

[@EmpoweredHeartConnections]

Everyone who wants a healthy relationship should watch this video!

[@Ani-q7z]

I think that learning about healthy relationships creation is the most important subject that we all should learn from the school, university and college, not only professions. I believe that it will help us to be more successful in happy relationships and generally in our life

[@lovemecom3832]

Every single idea she conveyed is counterintuitive to current cultural ideas of love. If you follow the ideas conveyed in every single pop song about love you will ultimately achieve the opposite of what she is getting at

[@Alex-nw9lv]

People should be talking about this and teaching this kind of things during junior high or high school. This was simply the best advice I’ve got so far regarding this topic! This really is an idea worth sharing.

[@SofiaJames-to5nr]

Hi I'm Sofia, how are you doing

[@AzMovieMom]

I love the simplicity of the topics here...Insight, Mutuality and Emotion regulation...so simple and straight forward. Why do we not teach this in school? One thing I notice though, people who suffer trauma, and have deep self limiting beliefs, dysfunctional families and abuse in their childhood may struggle to be able to do any of those things without taking an inventory of their fears, meeting their fears and shifting them to love. Archetypal patterns of behaviour are often reaking havoc on the mind, making what is suggested here imposible without further soul examination. Thanks to many modalities that exist, moving from fear to love is possible, but may be a first step for many.

[@davidwayne8212]

Hello how are you doing Lisa

[@HentiHorn]

Hello how are you doing

[@PinkYellowGreen2023]

I’m not interested in relationships anymore. Been there, done that! But keep posting for all of those who still want to keep trying.

[@sitashukla32]

This is the most important video conversation for our new or old generation to learn how to deal with their partners without putting the egos between their partner or love ones.

[@di-ot4pq]

This should be a full-time school subject.

[@AjaySolanki-vw5xb]

Insight- understanding who you are and what you do. Helps know the partner better. Mutuality- both have needs and they need to be met. Helps you know your partner. Emotion regulations- keep things calm, and in control. I can handle it approach.

[@emansugulle9055]

She hypnotized me.....

[@assefameshesha1388]

Intimacy, security, respect, good communication & being valued

[@sourabhagrawal5292]

Key takeaways Intimacy security good communication sense of being valued and also respect.

[@jovanna200]

we need this wisdom instead of all this pornography etc.

[@user-vp6cq4sv3d]

I know you only said this a year ago. But you people are few and far between and I hope more people like you come around in time.

[@Bodangers]

@@user-vp6cq4sv3d agreed

[@mcgibbywitit3009]

why not both

[@deprofundis3293]

Seriously

[@Truckeractivityy]

Yes

[@angebrowne1730]

The best advice I can think of that I wish i'd thought of when young is to take an accredited basic psychology course. It will help you to understand yourself and what YOU need first, and also help you pick out those who are putting on an act - which most men and women do at first, and some can keep it up until after marriage a couple of years along the line. Still, there will be tells and a basic psychology course will help you spot important things you might otherwise not notice or may dismiss.

[@jerryvictory5129]

Leaving a relationship you’re not happy in is much easier than emotionally damaging someone. But selfish people don’t get that

[@MarkPaul-lo1wj]

You just stated fact and we have to be sure if our partners aren't cheating and deceiving us

[@jerryvictory5129]

Yes but the problem is how do we catch a cheating partner

[@MarkPaul-lo1wj]

I know a guy, He helped me aces my wife cell pone remotely and gave me aces to every info in it.

[@sheryllomonaco5438]

Interesting, how do I get in touch with him?

[@dewandamaine7023]

omega hack man

[@adelaidefisher1645]

Young person here: wow thank you so much I have literally been looking for this video forever - I literally took a “healthy relationships” workshop at my Uni and it was not even close to as insightful as this I love how this creates the opportunity for legitimate emotional bonding (I totally agree that emotional competency and romantic competency aren’t taught like hello we are living this is a big part of life but it’s just dismissed)

[@HentiHorn]

Hello how are you doing

[@RinekGeineons]

Hello I’ll like to know more about you

[@LidiaBrowder]

Wow 😳 love is not looking into each person eye , but it look the same direction 🎉

[@christinamcneesecomedy]

wow. this lady might have just saved my life as well as so many others and our relationships.❤🙏

[@iDateAdviceiDateAdvice]

Today teaching HEALTHY relationships is vital!

[@mw7882]

Accountability is extremely important in relationships.

[@kennaoleary4333]

Emotion Regulation! For me, this is THE key skill in any relationship! Truly adore this TedX Talk...

[@IntraAwareness]

A healthy relationship doesn't just fall into place. It is work! A healthy relationship means that each individual has to be working on themselves to be healthy in mind, body and soul. It takes a strong person to be willing to be constantly dissolving ego working on connecting to peace, and not only noticing areas to improve but digging in and actively seeking resources to become better. Relationships are meant to be mirrors to celebrate our successes and support us in healing and upgrading our hurts. Finding friends and partners to go on this type of journey is the best gift we can give ourselves.

[@khanumseyidli4987]

I loved him so much I respected him so much and did everything for him to feel good but at the end of he betrayed me ..

[@lamiaaboulberj4380]

I've met a guy like a 2 months ago, we've been on lockdown toguether and I truly love him. I hope that we'll make things workout. I think that this speech will totally help.

[@Loveispeacej]

How it go?

[@Hriday_The_Healer]

Getting one more chance to know yourself by moving forward from a toxic relationship takes something. Something like fire from the gut. Beautifully spoken about emotion articulation, self identity and growing together aspect.

[@Stanford017-yg4fw]

❤

[@HentiHorn]

Yes you are right how are you

[@Gavin-fw4pc]

Its really nice to meet you and check out your profile, infact i really like all what your profile says about you and its seems that we have lots in common.😊😊