So You Think You're Mom's Favorite? | Jill Suitor | TEDxPurdueU

Does your mother have a favorite child? Dr. Jill Suitor gives us the answer, and more, in a talk that is sure to start some discussion with your siblings.
Dr. J. Jill Suitor's researches the effects of status transitions on interpersonal relations, particularly between parents and adult children and among adult siblings. Since 2001, she has led the Within Family Differences Study (WFDS), a panel investigating of the patterns and consequences of parental favoritism and disfavoritism in more than 550 multigenerational families. Findings of the study have been featured in more than 70 media outlets including the New York Times, Washington Post, Boston Globe, Telegraph, Daily Mail, Huffington Post, NPR, AARP, MSN, Futurity, and Slate.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

[@leslielively3092]

If you have to ask who’s the favorite it probably isn’t you

[@connormacleod1490]

Parents have tons of excuse to deny their favoritism.

[@jahrashaad1837]

Facts

[@justicemartinez2625]

They have to

[@HIGHLANDER_ONLY_ONE]

My parents didn't want a girl, as their first child, and then I was born... They were so convinced that I was going to be a boy, they didn't have a girl name ready for me. So, they scrambled and name me after my mom's first name, and my dad's mom's middle name... Needles to know, my parents didnt bond much with me... However, when my brother was born six years later, he was the prins, and then my second brother was born, and I became the nanny... I don't think my mother was born to be a mother, but her culture made her think that she wanted kids...

[@ogbobby-johnson6378]

HIGHLANDER Very relatable. My parents were uneducated Nd weren’t ready to raise children so all 9 of us have voids. 4 of us are addicted to drugs :/

[@p5rsona]

@@ogbobby-johnson6378 sorry to hear that. Know there is freedom from the story of the individual.

[@WouldntULikeToKnow.]

That sounds so familiar. I was supposed to be a boy so my parents didn't have any girl names ready when I was born. My younger brother was and still is the favorite.

[@karinlarsen2608]

Get to know the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob - He never makes a mistake, He never leaves us. You are the apple of His eye. Him Powers angels to minister Joy, and hope to us. When you're offered HIM, Why would you look at a mere mortal? ?

[@karinlarsen2608]

Al-Anon is a program helping those who suffer. What if our mom did her level best? The 12-steps in Al-Anon habilitate the broken parts of all of us. There's a Facebook page. We can get started there.

[@finding_aether]

Its abusive. You rob the children of selfworth and a relationship with sibling.

[@alphonseestell207]

This makes me never want to be around them or talk to her at all it makes me want to just disappear

[@ingridrevolorio1800]

Alphonse Estell same ! What a sad life I also want to go far away it wouldn’t make a difference anyway.

[@annaloveseverybody]

Yeah

[@karinlarsen2608]

Al-Anon is a program helping those who suffer. What if our mom did her level best? The 12-steps in Al-Anon habilitate the broken parts of all of us. There's a Facebook page. We can get started there.

[@misschievous5071]

Favoring one drives a wedge between that one and the rest of the siblings. Then, the parents glob on even more to that one because they see that one as a victim now.

[@heathercarden5670]

That is so true!

[@searain1573]

Honestly, everyone has favorites. Good people just know they can't let them ever find out who it is. Every parent has a favorite child. It sounds horrible, but it doesn't mean you love the others any less. All it means is that one child's personality and interests align with yours more than the others do. it's humane to have favorites (it is just inhumane when you tell the kids - which can cause trauma, happened in my family, not that the favorite child was treated any different though). Sibling's ranking even differ because of being a result of these variables. I feel like it's not about love. It's more about who you can have more fun with. I'm sure good parents would treat all their children equally but just has more fun while spending with one particular child and that's ok as long as they don't make the other kids feel left out or not loved. Its there in all kinds of relationships, even the kids have a favourite parent, doesn't mean they love the other parent any less, just that they have more fun with one parent. I think one example of this that everyone understands is in friendships, we all have friends and bestfriends, but there's definitely that one person we have more fun with. Another thing is this "favourite" one can keep changing with time. Like most kids had one favourite parent when they were younger and has the other one as favourite when they are adults. My mom says that I'm her favorite child. It's never caused trauma for either me or my brother. She also sometimes calls me her second only child cause a) the age gap between me and my brother is like over a decade(she had my brother when she was like 17 and she had me at 35) and b) my brother had a different biological father than I do making him and me half siblings rather than full siblings. My father is my brother's stepfather.

[@Child.DazaiOsamu]

Love how she mentioned the oldest and youngest but us middle children aren't mentioned again lmao

[@Paprikaa81]

Proud to be the only child my mom and dad are stuck with me

[@ingridrevolorio1800]

My mother had my sister on her bank account n on the house without me knowing, when I found out I was hurt , I always knew she liked my sister but I pretended or tried to ignored. I always seen a difference, everything she does is fine but I’m the worst one . We argued she told me that I don’t have anything not even a place to be buried it hurt me so much . I asked why ? She said I love you both but she will always have a favorite. I’m tried to everything to please my mom but nothing will work.

[@lpsluckykitty9443]

ingrid revolorio If you have to beg or please someone to favorite you, chances are, they don’t deserve you. I don’t care if she is your mom, she still disrespected you and her own parenting skills. Her role as a parent is to treat ALL her children equally or why even have them in the first place. She has failed at that, and therefor lost her title to be called a ‘parent’, I’m sorry but it’s the truth. You can accept it or live a lie, but please if you have kids, don’t pick favorites, it hurts them terribly in the long run.

[@karinlarsen2608]

Al-Anon is a program helping those who suffer. What if our mom did her level best? The 12-steps in Al-Anon habilitate the broken parts of all of us. There's a Facebook page. We can get started there.

[@christianguerrero70]

So what's the point of all of this? A mother's love is very fickle?

[@gulnaazkhan5949]

Mother's also just a normal human being who is flawed ,bised, imperfect just like others.Do'nt put her on pedestal and worship her.Stop trying to please her,respect your worth.

[@smitavermani6542]

Really sorry to hear your story, Ingrid. God bless you and fill you with prosperity, happiness and success...

[@LisaRichards_123]

It sounds like so-called “motherly love” is very conditional

[@ambam90]

My mom has borderline personality disorder and I'm the oldest and a daughter that thinks differently. I had no chance. 😂😂

[@ahliah2011]

immensely fascinating; deffinately grateful for this presentation - thank you!

[@anis4373]

I know for sure that I’m not anyone’s favourite, especially my mom lol, but this seems like an interesting talk

[@returntotorahderegresoalat2719]

Yeah I'm the eldest the girl and I'm not the favorite and I know it my mom told me so hahaha! I'm not the close one to her nor the proud one she's proud of very disappointed yes the list goes on. Even though I do talk to her all the time I'm none of those. I just try to do my best to be a decent daughter.

[@hadzmizahadzami1579]

Return to Torah.. same boat over here. Have had called as 'different, difficult'.. but i just carry on my life.. do the best that i could." It is never about us,it is just about them", thats d mantra that keeps me going haha

[@QueenRissa_34]

That was very harsh & insensitive...like how do you tell ur child she’s not the favorite?! Wrong!

[@candidawojcik6356]

I'm pretty much in the same boat except my mom doesn't say it but her actions definitely show it.

[@BLANSTAR21]

This was so good, I wanted more...

[@privateprivate8366]

I think this was a great video that was quite interesting, HOWEVER, I believe this covers the somewhat soft favoritism that many parents raise their kids with. For those of us who’ve experienced parenting that is destructive or where children are used as Golden Children and Scapegoats, you need to see videos regarding Narcissistic Parents. That is an entirely different realm where favoritism is not dependent upon aligning yourself with your parent’s ideals and being a high achiever - as much as it is whether or not your parent is controlling and manipulating the family and, in particular, the lives of their children, for the entirety of their children’s lives. The manipulation and abuse of their children, in this type of dynamic can “appear” innocent and is not. The parent is often enamored with the child who is not simply more cooperative, but who cannot see the parent for who they are and what they’re doing. This type of parent can also talk about wanting to have their children be closer - while doing everything they can to drive a wedge between them - all the while playing as if they’ve had nothing to do with that divide. This is a psychological issue. A personality disorder. The parent would not actually be considered crazy because - they’re usually actually fully aware of what they’re doing and the consequences of their actions. So again, if you find yourself in this type of family dynamic, look up issues regarding parental narcissism.

[@zubairilyas9505]

could you please tell me the main points and the summary of this video.

[@ambam90]

As the oldest child of a mom with borderline personality disorder (daughter), i completely agree. I had no chance.

[@privateprivate8366]

@@ambam90 I’m so sorry. But, hopefully, you feel you do now. Rooting for you!❤️👏🏽🙌🏽

[@youtubesuckss7058]

Watching this made me confused about being the favourite, honestly.

[@jeongyeonslonghair4631]

My parents would frame my older sister's school awards and sports photos around the house when mine were put in a stack of random papers. Can you guess who the favorite child is? 😂

[@karinlarsen2608]

Al-Anon is a program helping those who suffer. What if our mom did her level best? The 12-steps in Al-Anon habilitate the broken parts of all of us. There's a Facebook page. We can get started there.

[@kristenpringle1635]

My mother and I hate each other. She prefers my brother (who is the perfect Catholic, conservative freak show). this is fine with me, but I wish she'd admit to herself that we don't get along and leave me alone. I hate the sound of her voice.

[@karinlarsen2608]

Al-Anon is a program helping those who suffer. What if our mom did her level best? The 12-steps in Al-Anon habilitate the broken parts of all of us. There's a Facebook page. We can get started there.

[@karinlarsen2608]

@Tony Snow Al-Anon is a program helping those who suffer. What if our mom did her level best? The 12-steps in Al-Anon habilitate the broken parts of all of us. There's a Facebook page. We can get started there.

[@justicemartinez2625]

@Tony Snow oh yes.

[@searain1573]

Honestly, everyone has favorites. Good people just know they can't let them ever find out who it is. Every parent has a favorite child. It sounds horrible, but it doesn't mean you love the others any less. All it means is that one child's personality and interests align with yours more than the others do. it's humane to have favorites (it is just inhumane when you tell the kids - which can cause trauma, happened in my family, not that the favorite child was treated any different though). Sibling's ranking even differ because of being a result of these variables. I feel like it's not about love. It's more about who you can have more fun with. I'm sure good parents would treat all their children equally but just has more fun while spending with one particular child and that's ok as long as they don't make the other kids feel left out or not loved. Its there in all kinds of relationships, even the kids have a favourite parent, doesn't mean they love the other parent any less, just that they have more fun with one parent. I think one example of this that everyone understands is in friendships, we all have friends and bestfriends, but there's definitely that one person we have more fun with. Another thing is this "favourite" one can keep changing with time. Like most kids had one favourite parent when they were younger and has the other one as favourite when they are adults. My mom says that I'm her favorite child. It's never caused trauma for either me or my brother. She also sometimes calls me her second only child cause a) the age gap between me and my brother is like over a decade(she had my brother when she was like 17 and she had me at 35) and b) my brother had a different biological father than I do making him and me half siblings rather than full siblings. My father is my brother's stepfather.

[@GijoJohn]

My mother always refuses this but it is very evident and everyone to notices it .. This sometimes gets on my nerves

[@gionkelly]

One of my best teachers! ❤️😁

[@QueenRissa_34]

I disagree that moms choose the last born as their favorites?! My mom has always treated my sister (who is the oldest) as the favorite! My sister gets away with a lot more & she allows her to do whatever she wants.....🤨

[@Ayitiana]

the only ted talk i sat through

[@karinlarsen2608]

Ralph Nader's mother was asked this question . She responded that, Of course, the baby was her favorite, No, it was the sick one, No, it was the one who just won a trophy, No, it was the one who just came home from being gone a long time. I loved her answer. You can Google it.

[@rebeccahale322]

I think this could be true and maybe not.. as it puts families and people in a statical box..

[@Birdylockso]

Wait, so if the kids can't really guess right who mommy's favorite was, then mom doesn't really need to sweat it, right? Is that the point?

[@justicemartinez2625]

If it's in her perspective or values then, I am so happy thar I'm not her favorite.

[@frankrodrig9908]

I am my mom favorite because I am looked like here.

[@hanhminh3794]

I’m not my mom’s favourite :((

[@alphonseestell207]

My mom do this to me I’m the oldest son 🙁

[@sawsaneamgaad1223]

do this to mee too 😭

[@jahrashaad1837]

Don't feel alone bro it's the same on my end... not to mention I did the most for my mother my younger brother has always been pacified by her 😥😥

[@muhammadsyarifhidayatullah2931]

@@jahrashaad1837 I know how that feel I have the same issue with you as well.

[@Misagonna88]

You’re not alone. Remember that

[@chellesimmmy2137]

this was very un useful 🤔

[@rebeccahale322]

Quite boring and subject to many variations.. Spend all this time doing your best as a mom..

[@karinlarsen2608]

We can never underestimate how someone else was hurt.