Beyond Closure: Nancy Berns at TEDxDesMoines

Nancy Berns is a sociologist at Drake University. She looks at the space between grief and closure and has found that not only is closure a fabricated concept, it is doing us more harm than good.
In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

[@janetmcconnell62]

Thank you for this talk. My son took his own life 6 weeks ago and my husband and I have been in counseling and participating in suicide survivor groups. These are good for understanding / confirming it isn't your fault, but they don't help with the fear that we will be betraying the love for our son if we dare to - some day - be able to be happy again. Thank you for providing the much needed visibility to a path forward.

[@tomlyons7491]

Thank you, my wife, soulmate, best friend died suddenly at 60 - I’m 56. This was 2 1/2 months ago, I was doing well but have been revisiting that grief box. Joy is seldom felt, I just someone to sit and listen. Don’t give advice, just listen.

[@RISEofYourLife]

Thank you, Nancy for your perspective, and for sharing it with the public. It's so important that we begin shifting the public's misconceptions about death, loss, grief and healing, away from long misunderstood, archaic ideology regarding loss/grief that we have brought from the past. I like to say "you never get over it, you just learn to carry it gracefully". You support my point with this discussion. Thank you Ted for once again bringing us important, thought provoking ideas worth spreading.

[@dannycaplan6614]

It's only been 18 days since I lost my wife. I find it remarkable to hear this speaker talking about joy and grief coexisting. It doesn't make sense. I can't conceive of joy when the only person who brought joy to me consistently and in abundance is gone. It also doesn't help when friends or family members tell me that she wouldn't have wanted me to feel this way. The implication is that I am somehow disappointing my late wife by feeling a certain way. Besides, she knew I would be feeling this way.

[@lesleyannfoster2382]

I am so sorry for you losing your beloved life. May you find comfort in the great memories you have of her.

[@MariellaKennedy]

This has been one the most uplifting and sympathising words I have heard since I lost my sweet husband 42 days ago. I am crying so much right now because I have the feeling of being understood completely! Thank you so much!

[@arleenrutten7107]

+Mariella Kennedy ..empathy and love from a stranger... 17 1/2 months for me since my darling husband of 31+ years left this earth... his wings were ready but my heart was not... nor would it have ever been ♥♥

[@IamNeighborlee]

So sorry for your loss, I have a decent idea what you'vve been going through, having loss my sweet Tony of 28 yrs to cardiac arrest here in our IA kitchen. I'ts been 4+a little , months, I've pushing myself to lift myself up a bit at a time, but its still hard as heck. I know , for a fact he's in a better pla ce as I 'felt' his soul go by me as they took him to ambulance- he was gone yet I hoped. So I'm thinking about moving to Seattke where we had a wonderful life for 20+ years, and 2 yrs here in IA as first time home owners, but I gotta say, its horrific still , at times knowing our fulfilled home owner life cut so short , with me here trying to pick up the pieces, trying to find joy in everyday things, just as I did when he was alive. Its just hard but I persist as I know with fuill certainty, he wants my happiness. Wish sometimes we had holographic displays of our loved ones available to us, some part of the day as then at least I'd be able to deal with loss easier, over time. There is actually a movie aboiut this and its beautiful. Peace out, HUGS and best wishes, and I promise and I know, your loved ones ARE still there for you .

[@jackster564]

I agree, screw closure. My husband died suddenly at 60, just seven months ago. I love talking about him every day now and I’ll love talking about him every day in 20 years from now.

[@youcandoittoo7008]

O pool people and we have to be put on a time and then you have told us about that one and I have a

[@averiesparkman1338]

My sister died 8 months ago after a losing battle with cancer.. My husband died suddenly in November, a little over 6 months. I think I am supposed to be over it. No one talks about them. I am told I will feel better and Jesus will help me by my best friend. I am alone, empty and sad. But a lot of that is my own fault as I don't have friends and family is emotionally distant. I am not moving on at all. I am still in the place where I found him dead and tried cpr. I am still in the place of visiting Ellen every day and planning a goodbye party for her at a beach/park during covid for family, work family and friends. But, I am working, engaging with grandkids, am told I am doing good. Inside I am dead, except for tears. I no longer care to look at the moon, stars, sunrise, sunset or flowers. I am not suicidal, but feel done. My grief is in a box for other people, but it is not a pretty box. I miss them.

[@peggyoneal325]

This is beautiful.....I lost my Baby Brother, 1 month ago.... I miss him, SO MUCH... AND LOVE HIM, DEARLY...

[@iAgree2b]

Perfectly communicated! I posted this for our local Compassionate Friends families ... this is a gift for us and for our family and friends. Thank you!

[@Musaferjanewale]

I lost my baby son 21 years ago. and grieved for him for so long.

[@averiesparkman1338]

So sorry

[@aprilguffey40]

As a student pursuing Funeral Directing/Embalming, I have been looking for a better way to help myself and others understand grief. This is the right way to approach it. Thank you Nancy!

[@rigelmoon9030]

Nicely presented. This is day 42 without my wife. Grief is, by far, the most difficult, hurtful, and confusing mix of emotions humans must endure. I have yet to experience the joy I had a month and a half ago when I was with her warm body, hearing her contagious laugh, smiling with her mile-wide smile, holding her bony little hand, driving a sweet soul who could find joy in a simple ride up the mountain with the windows down in our beat up old Toyota......her joy created my joy. Forty-three years, one son, and her heart is what she unselfishly gave me: I couldn't compete with that, though I tried like the dickens. There will be grief for all of her loved ones she was forced to leave behind. I had forty-three years with her; but, folks, I need more. I grieve for she will never give me her warm body, her million-dollar smile, her everything. I will miss her for a long, long time. Grief is forever.

[@MrGibo2000]

Rigel, its been a few Months now. How are things going with you - how are you coping now compared to how you were when you wrote this Post? Hope to hear fron you.

[@rigelmoon9030]

@@MrGibo2000 This morning is exactly 18 months since she passed. The hurt still eats at me; but, my memories keep me going. The night is hard. I miss her so. Thank you, kind heart.

[@MrGibo2000]

@@rigelmoon9030 , I'm at the 6 Month Mark, since my Wife passed. I cannot even comprehend how I will get to 18 Months. It's the most excruciating Pain and Torture I could ever have imagined. As you said, the Evenings are very bad, and I find it hard to think how I will ever get through this. All the best to you, my Friend. It's another Battle in a very long War.

[@rigelmoon9030]

@@MrGibo2000 My wife's sister, whom I consider my sister, stayed with my son and me every couple of weeks. I knew her before I met her sister who I fell in love with the moment our eyes met. Her sister hurt as much as we did, of course. So, she helped us so much. I have no words to give you, except to earn the life you've been given. Don't waste precious time. Live and love everyone you know. We're both gonna hurt forever. That's a given. There are no replacements for our wives. Live in peace, my friend. One moment at a time.

[@MrGibo2000]

@@rigelmoon9030 , its actually strange that you say that. My first Marriage was to my Wife's Sister. She passed away years ago, then I ended up marrying her Sister (My Wife). It just happened. We just got along so well and they were very different People. How's that for a Jerry Springer Story!! I marry two Sisters, and both have passed away at a very young age. Maybe I'm just cursed.

[@Tamizsaelvi]

profound talk on how to carry on joy & grief hand in hand..lost my son 19 in a bike accident 3 yrs ago...living the life as u mention..thank you

[@cendralynn3253]

Thank you, Nancy Berns. You say it so well. This is how healing happens at GriefNet, where we provide safe havens where the bereaved can tell their stories of their loss and bear witness to the grief of others.

[@wonton3338]

I always listen to people grieving and say, "I am sorry that happened to you or them. What was their name? Tell me about the person you lost." I guess that is because nobody does do that. Nobody does take the time to let the griever explain the situation a bit more if they want too. It is so nice to share your memory with someone who cares to listen. Many times people are too busy with themselves to stop and take inventory of the moment.

[@Sanmora7]

I wish everyone could listen to this video. It says so much about the way I feel.

[@rositahuff4858]

….I lost my wonderful husband….and for months now I feel to be the only person ever to have felt this pain…..I am now learning…..

[@angied2374]

So profound and down-to-earth! I've lived in my grief for more than 30 years. I agree, there's no such thing as closure....we just sometimes need help in our journey of thoughts and feelings. I'm a fan, as I'm at the crossroads between my past (which is behind me,) and a blank future. as issues arise, I need to consciously decide whether I need to deal with it and then throw it over my shoulder or bring it with me , including it in the new ME.

[@MarilynMuckerman]

Excellent! Thank you Nancy, so relevant & so true! As a society, so often we want to deny, resist or bury the feelings that actually HELP make us more human and self-actualized people..If we could just amputate that part of us & avoid psychological discomfort or regain some perceived level of control over our lives, THEN who do we become?! I will integrate into my work & presence with family and significant others of our hospice patients.

[@AngieCartwright]

Nancy thank you for bringing grief out of the dark an into the light!!

[@maureensherman4537]

This is so comforting as I struggle with the death of my great granddaughters passing at 8 months old. On top of the loss I have feared never knowing the joy she opened me to. Her face her smile gazing upon me. I comforted knowing I don’t have to struggle for closure but cherish the joy and live life each day more fully with the remembrance of her and joy. 🙏

[@angiemcgee6797]

I lost my mom unexpectedly 2 weeks ago. She didn’t recover from heart surgery. I couldn’t make it out of state to the hospital. I wish I could see her again. The memorial is this weekend and I’m so sad.

[@moisemensah8233]

I'm with you ♥️

[@averiesparkman1338]

So sorry

[@lesleyannfoster2382]

I lost my 88 year old mother 22 day ago. It's painful

[@MrGibo2000]

Fantastic Presentation. I just lost my Wife. She was only 44 and its killing me too.

[@melaniepowell79]

"...and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort,..." - Mosiah 18:8-9 Beautiful talk

[@lisajakesmom1]

I simply have no words..... thank you, Nancy Berns, for giving words to what I cannot.

[@AlexanderGrgurich]

TED stands for "technology, entertainment, and design", the original focus of the conference. Since then, it's evolved into including art, science, education, etc. Check out the TED conference online.

[@wildfoodmary8579]

Thank you for this, a huge comfort to me just now.

[@miken1999]

Thank you so much to help me with my grief. beautifully said and it resonates with me to smile

[@heavenisearth]

Nancy, thank you for such a heartening presentation. Thank you very very much....

[@djo24]

Thank you so much ❤❤❤🙏

[@tomomara3235]

Thank you, Nancy....because, of course, my friends don't want to see me so blue over the suicide of my girlfriend...they want to see me get over it so to speak...but I know I can't get over it...you have shown me, however, that I can feel the loss and perhaps even a new light...that it isn't a binary choice...Somehow this relieves me and makes me think my tears, which seem endless at times, are not holding me back from other possibilities....

[@PastorJack1957]

Thank you. I lost her 16 months ago. This helps.

[@rosem3743]

Never hand someone a box of tissues unless they ask you to.

[@gmackaymunn8]

Thank you so much for this.

[@corinelindhorst1932]

Thank you.

[@christinaroling817]

Thank you

[@karinAhagelin]

I can SOOOOO relate to Gloria's story

[@MzBleu91]

really liked this...

[@missme9683]

so true..i am thinking about mom

[@americanamama]

what does TED mean?

[@kelleymcfadden9675]

Devotion by Brother Danny Myra Douglas WHY CALVARY? Luke 23:33. Part 1. There was a story of a young woman who was married with two children, but one day as she was washing dishes at the kitchen sink, she thought, there must be more to life than this! When her husband came home, he found a note she'd written, and he began to weep. She would call him about once a week to check on the children, and he would always tell her of his great love for her and beg her to come home. She would always say no and hang up. Finally, he hired a private investigator to find her. He went to the apartment where she was staying, holding a spray of flowers in his hand as he stood at the door. He had rehearsed over and over what he would say and finally got the nerve to knock on the door. She opened the door and he started to speak, but she suddenly began to weep and fell into his arms. She managed to say through her tears, "Let's go home." Months later, when things were starting to heal, he finally asked her something that had been bothering him. "All these times I talked to you on the phone, I asked you to come back and you refused. Why did you come back now? She stated with tears in her eyes, "before you were just telling me that you loved me. When you came, you showed me you loved me." The Bible tells us of God's love, but Jesus came and showed us His love. Jesus proved God's love for us, by dying for us! Let's examine the five specifics of God's love. 1. JESUS DIED IN A SPECIFIC PLACE. The crucifixion didn't happen just anywhere, it happened THERE. God's plan was for His Son to die on a cross. This event happened in Israel. The name Israel can be interpreted "striving against God." It is a picture of Jacob, renamed Israel after his wrestling with God. He struggled in his relationship with God. God made a promise that the entire world would be blessed through Israel, and God always keeps His promises. It not only took place in Israel, but it also came about in Jerusalem, the city of peace. "Jerusalem" actually means "the place of peace." But for over 2000 years, it has absolutely known no peace." Wars have raged in, for and concerning Jerusalem, the city of peace. Today, we still find a host pf people fighting and struggling over a small place like Jerusalem. We find peace conferences held between rival nations. We find peace treaties signed between rival nations. Yet no peace is found. The Bible says, ""pray for the peace of Jerusalem." It won't end until Christ returns and sets things right. Finally, we see Jesus was crucified at a place called "Calvary." In Luke 23:33 it uses the Latin word "Calvary" which means the skull. 1. HE DIED IN A SPECIFIC PLACE. 2. HE DIED FOR AND BY THE HANDS OF A SPECIFIC PEOPLE. First, the Romans were guilty of crucifying our Saviour. Pilate found no fault in Him and yet they crucified Him. The Romans perfected the art of crucifixion. It was designed to be used for slaves, thieves and common criminals. We also know that the Jews crucified Jesus. They feared for the prestige, power, and positions. They hatched their scheme and delivered Jesus into the hands of the Romans. They are guilty of crucifying our Saviour. But the third party who is guilty is you and me. We are guilty, because it was our sin for which Jesus died. He who knew no sin became sin for us! We are responsible for His death. We receive mercy and grace when we deserved none. (Part 2 to be continued) WHY CALVARY? Luke 23:33 Part 2. 1. We find that Jesus died in a specific place (THERE). The event happened in Jerusalem. 2. He died for and by the hands of specific people (THEY). 3. We know He died in a specific place by specific people, but it caused specific pain (CRUCIFIED.) The gospel writers never explained or described the crucifixion. The people in their day understood precisely what the cross was; it was an instrument of death. Jesus suffered more than death on the cross. HE SUFFERED THE REJECTION OF HIS PEOPLE. What made it so hurtful was that "He came to His own and His own received Him not." Rejection is a devastating thing to experience. It is a betrayal to the soul. WE ALSO FIND THAT JESUS SUFFERED HUMILIATION. He died between common criminals. He should have been accepted as royalty, King of Kings and Lord of Lords. This was God Almighty in the flesh, and He was humiliated among His creation. The song says, "What a Saviour!" THEN WE OBSERVE THAT JESUS DIED AS A SUBSTITUTE. He took my place and your place on the cross. He took Barabba's place on the cross. He is our Substitutionary atonement. Oh, What a Savior! HE SUFFERED IN A SPECIFIC PLACE BY A SPECIFIC PEOPLE THROUGH A SPECIFIC PAIN AS A SPECIFIC PERSON (HIM). John the Baptist cried out "Behold, the Lamb of God who taketh away the sin of the world." He was perfect with any blemish whatsoever. He was the Son of God and today He sits at the right hand of the Father and will return again in the clouds of glory. There is no greater person than the Son of God who walked upon this earth. He came to die for all sinners, and no one is excluded. He is the promised Messiah. Most of all, Jesus died for a specific purpose. He didn't come just to walk on this earth or to heal the sick; His purpose was to Sacrifice Himself. He was blameless, sinless, and came to save others. Jesus wants a relationship with you today and forever. WILL YOU MEET JESUS AT THE CROSS? DO IT TODAY!