Friends With Benefits | amatonormativity, monogamy, dating apps & queer culture

[@dorianlamb8824]

nice video. always irritates me when people assume a fwb relationship Has To end in romantic feelings... like god i hope not as an aro person would that be fucked up or what. fwb relationships can be amazing and fun, but also nice and comfortable and indicative of a deeper friendship and level of trust. i truly don't understand why everything has to be marriage and roses and kissing on the mouth before some fancy dinner. our different types of love and intimacy are no less valuable or real than those of the straight culture.

[@SpaceyAces]

💯

[@FreyjaStar]

As an alloaro person I really appreciate this video, my most fulfilling sexual relationships and experiences with intimacy in general have definitely been in the context of friendship. Because I'm aromantic there is no romantic end goal or risk of "catching feelings." in a FWB arrangement which is really nice because I feel free to explore without being bound to a monogamous relationship. I also really like how you brought up that queer people are better at navigating these dynamics because we haven't been the target audience of amatonormative programming. This was an excellent video. Thank you for helping me feel more seen.

[@SpaceyAces]

@@FreyjaStar Thank you so much for your perspective and feedback! ☺️

[@mothMOV]

Omg yay an aspec talking friends with benefits Im aromantic allosexual and really want a friends with benefits

[@SpaceyAces]

@@mothMOV aroallo experiences are a major gap in the aspec advocacy market, so I’m glad you’re here!

[@gfoog3911]

My girlfriend and I started off in a weird situation-ship. In my case, I was overcommitting, and in hers, she was undercommitting. Neither of us wanted a relationship at first, yet both had crushes on each-other really early on. In that weird stage, she helped me overcome my sexual repression, and I helped her feel safe, wanted and truly supported by a partner for the first time. Shit’s messy, but we’ve gone through hell for each-other, and the deep love we have now was forged in the fire. As for platonic sex, I can’t understand it myself. When my gf had insisted we were just having casual sex, I could feel her growing closer. But meh, sex is great, so you do you, assuming consent, safety, and all that good stuff.

[@careottjuice]

come one you have all kind of feelings for the person during that. I always felt like I'm in a state of total submission towards that person while doing it. So weird that everyone feels different.... 😂 Like I don't understand how it's possible to be casual... For me at least

[@corbanekarel3692]

@careottjuice I don't know. I tend to be lovy-dovy in bed and feel connected, but then I don't feel romantic. Attached, maybe, but not in love. Actually, even emotionally intense moments for me can be purely platonic and not sexual and romantic. I think it's hard for humans to conceptualize what they don't have premade words for, it can explain why I can never really say how I feel about the fwb I've had without paraphrazing a whole lot. But yet again, a lot of people find it confusing to bang their friends, so . . . I wonder what provokes that difference. I think it's both nature and nurture because everything kind of is 🤷‍♂

[@mimicombee9379]

i think this will be the first comment i ever write in my life. thank you for this video. i don't know if i *can* abandon amatonormanity; i guess i still don't truly believe i will be able to survive without someone else to be there for me when it gets bad. what i really appreciate about this video, though, is it brings in historical context and historical basis for types of people i didn't even know could exist. and that historical context, more than anything else i have ever heard in my life, helps me start to unravel what i started to internalize at an age far younger than i can remember: that the acceptability of one's romantic relationship define their intrinsic value. and maybe that's not true. maybe all i really need 10 years from now is love; maybe i don't necessarily need one person who loves me in the one specific "good" way

[@SpaceyAces]

@@mimicombee9379 Thank you so so much for this comment! We’re all moving along and reconciling with a long history of normativity we can’t even fully understand. And of course it’s hard - that’s by design! I wish you the best in internalizing a more authentic idea of love and relating. 💛

[@soelala]

i havent watched this video yet, but it seems targeted to me. i've always found the concept of fwb relationships fascinating as someone who already struggles to quite understand the concept of platonic vs. romantic. I'm excited to hear someone's elses thoughts.

[@jodi4558]

as an aroace spec person, i dated and had a sexual relationship with a straight person that i had grown a strong friendship with prior. i didn't understand why we were supposed to cut contact when we had to break up (he didn't want to do long distance but had to move home so we mutually agreed to break up, no ill feelings at all). I think I've always struggled with the concept that people who end their rom/sx relationship need to no longer be connected (unless there is trauma or deeper incompatibility involved of course). I had another friend (this time someone queer) that I was sexually intimate with and we are still friends and I genuinely feel there is no pressure to make it anything more or less. I think its super interesting to see the different ways that people understand and navigate these relationships - what they feel is allowed/not allowed and the "end goal" they envision seems so different. It definitely helps that queer people tend to see more nuance and flexibility within their relationships that amatanormativity tries to cover and box up tightly.

[@careottjuice]

When the relationship ends, you DON'T WANT to see that person anymore !! Because they hurt you!! And if you aren't hurt, good for you

[@jodi4558]

@careottjuice yes i do understand cut offs if hurt was involved but when there was a mutual agreement that things will not work out romantically long-term, why cut contact? why not stay friends? and ik plenty of queer people who remain friends with exes and hookups that didn't end badly but I've noticed many cishet relationships don't. Similarly, I struggle to understand why some people can't just continue being friends with their unreciprocated crush until the delusion wears off. Is it not still lovely to be friends with someone you think ticks your boxes? I think its just the way I value strong platonic and romantic relationships quite evenly and lack the experience of crushes. I hear its painful just as much as its fun to fantasise about what you don't know is true about the person.

[@SkyeID]

Society's relationship structure makes no sense to me. So, I have to marry one person, show romantic love only to that person, and make them my everything?

[@lav-kitty]

and then when you don't follow that, because you're your own person with your own understandings of your feelings and relationships, they say your relationship isn't actually a relationship (lmao what), that they "respect but don't agree", call it immoral and that you're forcing your preferences on them the same type of stuff gays heard and still hear since forever, and yet, a lot of allo+mono gays say that we don't belong in the LGBTQ community because "it's a community about love, not relationship" ugh (I kid you not, I've seen someone say exactly that)

[@lav-kitty]

not to mention, the structure IS questionable, and I'm sure they know it inside, but you saying that is enough for them to claim that non-monogamic people all try to eradicate mono relationships, and that's their little reason to not support polyamory I'm sorry, John, I'm sorry that we say the truth about most mono relationships, which is, they don't know how to be mono AND healthy at the same time, because mono relationships TEND to lead to toxic behaviors, which shouldn't be surprising because the base of it is questionable to begin with

[@careottjuice]

Those feelings come naturally, actually

[@nightdruid540]

:')), this video came at such, such a perfect time. it helps me feel so seen... so loved (validated). so happy to now appreciate myself exactly as i am currently. amatonormativity is something I've ALWAYS questioned and more lately struggled with, as i have always been more naturally open relationship leaning, FWB leaning, and have found that this truly is the structure that works best for me at the moment. UGH, watching this is so freeing. thank you for making this

[@Baxwell]

Really liked the way you articulated your research, looking forward to watching more vids!

[@rachel1021]

The sci-fi book Pluralities by Avi Silver has friends who have s*x and stay friends. It made me happy to see that in a book.

[@SpaceyAces]

That's good to know, I haven't seen that in a book before!

[@morganmeadowes6861]

I don’t think I’ve ever been this early to a video. Great video! :)

[@SpaceyAces]

Thanks! :D

[@LeftyLlama]

As an aspec teen who is not sure what I would want from a relationship this was really interesting to me. I feel like a lot of your points about FWB relationships sound similar to queerplatonic relationships- would you say FWB could be considered a type of QPR in terms of relationship anarchy and picking and choosing desired components of a relationship? Also since the dating scene seems to be geared toward straight, amatonormative couples, how do QPRs tend to start?

[@SpaceyAces]

Yeah, I would definitely consider FWBRs to be a type of QPR (although, of course, that’s a distinction that only the people involved can make of their own relationship)! In terms of how QPRs start, based on what I hear from people online and in real life, and my own experiences, I think people start off as friends (long term or newer friendships) and learn more about how they feel about one another, or begin a romantic relationship and realize it isn’t quite right for them.

[@mirandarensberger6919]

Thank you for this video! FWB is exactly what I would like to have. I just don't really know how to even bring it up with any of my friends.

[@Henry-q8t]

Just saw you got out a new video! So excited!!! Thank you so so sooooo much for the work you are doing

[@riverchampeimont]

It's really impressive you did a lot of research for making this video! Here aroace person in QPR 😉

[@SpaceyAces]

Thank you :D

[@kanalkucker14]

Great video and I will read some of the linked articles!

[@Aima952]

I love this video, I'm an Allo-ish Aro who'd probably prefer life in a visitor husband society to any other option but FWB has always confused me in the popular perception - surely having sex with people you actually like is preferable to one night stands with randoms? Even if that's not what people seem to do? More people need to talk about this and with any luck society will adapt to make legal things more hospitable to the "single and no intent to pair" population.

[@Dbug16]

Wow you’re back :o also really nice video :>👍🏻

[@ktoo303]

I'm really excited for this one!! New subscriber, who's aromantic as well (aroallo)

[@careottjuice]

It all depends on the upbringing. Like I feel EVERYTHING during funny time, all positive things ofc, like I knit a soul tie with that person, and the only people I think of who aren't capable of feeling that had parents who resented each other or something. Or if you don't have feelings good for you ig 😂 I still believe it's the upbringing

[@PokeWoa]

i am really scared to come out as aro

[@R3shkun]

This is exactly what I'm looking for, the confusing part of me is that i always seek a relationship that can develop my evolution or improvement. However, i never thought of having a FWB relationship with someone. This is like, an idea of "Cheap"/"Start" relationship. As an very confused Ace who priors logic and wisdom, I seeked for answers about me being asexual. However, I'm unsure, unsure to the irony that i had been in alot lf relationships that didn't worked out. But fortunately i learned, with alot to lose I'm afraid. The mere irony of my current environment is haywiring me, just date this and that, date foreigners, date close ones, date ones who havge money. I have a freedom of choice to chooss who my partner will be, so through this video, I'm going to try the FWB relationship. If it becomes the extreme relationship that I'm not expecting, i have a choice but to reduce it. Ps: I hate dating apps of modern dating culture

[@sweetlilkitten]

Whenever a friend shatter the glass between us and entice me, it ruins the friendship for me, as soon as this happens it will create a need inside of me, not only because of my deep need to be loved and accepted (which is rarely fulfilled), as well as intimacy and closeness need, which will create a tension between me and the one having done it. I really try to not cause it myself, but I'm not strong enough sometimes. Between crushes, unfulfilled needs, and my autistic self, I really can't have a friendship with this tension, it will ruin it. I already can't behave socially, intimacy or such is one of the only thing I can do without masking or acting, I really wish I could but no, if a friend / crush of mine is too much my type and play with me I can't resist that. I've seen a meme / art thing where a woman turned on her GF but because she's ace or such she mocks her need carelessly. It triggered me so much. I almost had tears seeing this. My online flirties seen how I reacted to it at the time. It broke me. I have no one here close to me in countryside. I have zero chances. Dating scene and dating pool are a hell for me. When I have to move 80km to get to the closest one that would accept me in their arms, costing 50 bucks the travel, well, excuse me but I won't have enough time, money, and social energy to go somewhere that won't even satisfy me. And I didn't had a chance in years. Recently I've been so lonely. I don't need friendships. I want true relationships. It's been a really long time I wished I had a wife, that would love me, that would care for me, I really wish I had someone that would be here for me, but all of my GFs betrayed me in the past. I never was truly loved anyways. Only queer people I meet are online, hundreds of kms away, if not countries across. I hate this life and I'm growing a depression linked with loneliness, need, craving attention and intimacy. There is no friends here, people would end me if they would know anything about me. I can't be as privileged as having queer friends close to me physically without a really good reason. Or having good friends at all. Or having anyone close to me at all. I really wish I could be ace. Feel nothing, don't have need, or anything that would just delete the pain from having no one ever want me for anything. I really can't bear this and having no money there is no solution to my problems. I don't think I will be able to live like this up to 2025 or such. I'm really close to giving up. I just can't. I ruin everything. I'm just a jinx.

[@moonandback223]

sending love from south korea🫶🏻 as an aroace, ur videos helped me a lot(def not frequently discussed in here)

[@SpaceyAces]

@@moonandback223 Thank you, and I’m so glad they’ve helped you!! 💕

[@moonandback223]

@@SpaceyAces 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻