SPONSORED: New Wolfenstein Game Lets Players Choose Which Country Won WWII

Subscribe to The Onion on KZbin: bit.ly/xzrBUA
The new Wolfenstein game lets players experience an immersive alternate reality in which France, Denmark, Canada or any other country of their choice won WWII, and now rules the world with an iron fist. (Brought to you by Bethesda)
Like The Onion on Facebook: www. theo...
Follow The Onion on Twitter: / theonion
More Breaking News: www.theonion.co...

[@SatanicBunny666]

As a Finn I can confirm this: one does not simply leave the sauna.

[@trevoranderson7182]

But... Who enforces people staying in the sauna? Surely the guards must also be in saunas too...

[@Player_Review]

Thanks for the Suomi!

[@lopiklop]

"Add more water to ze cause"

[@youguyslikekof9976]

Fun Fact: The Onion did two videos on this game, meaning in their universe, The New Order has a second person mode AND alternate timelines options

[@albertgore7435]

It was truly groundbreaking, no game has matched it since.

[@crapporoniandchezze8338]

As a Canadian, I thought the combat with the Canadian Paratroopers was very accurate. Them never actually leaving the helicopters as they were too occupied saying "Oh no, please, you can go first, I don't mind, really" to their comrades was certainly a nice touch

[@theodorebear6714]

*GET BACK IN THE SAÜNA! YOUR MUSCLES ARE STILL VERY TENSE!!!*

[@Zeredek]

"Lets Players Choose Which Country Won WWII" you mean Hearts of Iron?

[@MinesomeMC]

Zeredek yes yes hoi4

[@samuelcampo3611]

Ｗｈａｔ　ｉｆ　Ｓｔａｎｌｅｙ　Ｂａｌｄｗｉｎ　ｗｏｎ　ＷＷ２？

[@EmpireTVDragon]

Yup that's basically heart of iron

[@chinsaw2727]

Vast majority of the player base only lets Germany win

[@julienvalley28]

nine years later and this joke is still relevant

[@tybofborg]

Hungary was not included in this game. During beta testing, they've found that Hungarian players either found a way to fuck up the scenario through corruption and internal conflict, or just found it too implausible for Hungary to actually win a war.

[@Nefariously_ignorant]

Just make their enemy into fooad

[@PychPmp]

My paprika will make your food taste good😤

[@BoogsterSU2]

This....please make it happen Bethesda.

[@MultiSlawa]

you could just play Hearts of Iron 3

[@Theodoreroum]

offizieller Kirchenjesus Does it have a dystopia for everyone? :P

[@MultiSlawa]

Quest for Truth well you can play as any nation that existed back then. It's a rahter hardcore strategy game though.

[@MenkoDany]

offizieller Kirchenjesus What you do in HoI3 is that you rename poland to _"STOP"_ in the game files and conquer the world. Then you zoom out of the map and *LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE*.

[@RogeNight]

I'm just seeing this now and damn actually sounds like a fun game not gonna lie I would totally play it like seriously the onion came up with a cool game concept please someone make it real lol

[@trevoranderson7182]

In Canada, the robots purge the land of the impolite. Politely, of course.

[@Mineav]

I want to play as the black, gay, German Rabbi, who's on good terms with all his neighbors! This game is going to be so sweet!!!

[@Celisar1]

Interestingly this is a mere projection of typical US American prejudices: especially being black has always been a challenge THERE.

[@AxelLeJeff]

I refuse to eat hotdogs and apple pie for every meal, I prefer burgers and a bottle of corn syrup.

[@d0wns0wth]

It better be HIGH FRUCTOSE corn syrup, that "natural" stuff is shit

[@AxelLeJeff]

d0wns0wth DAMN RIGHT! 'MURICA!

[@steelrarebit7387]

Hamburgers and Pecan Pie.

[@kittencorp.3295]

I eat literally just lard. Every meal. Lard.

[@homeopathicfossil-fuels4789]

I played this! I loved the danish version where bikes have replaced every other land vehicle and everyone are given rations exclusively consisting of hotdogs and carlsberg, we even had a royal moon colony, fantastic!

[@Player_Review]

So long as I'm allowed a beer at work then I'll submit to Danish rule.

[@DarkW0lverine]

As an Australian, that depiction of a world under Australian rule was pretty accurate. However, punishing crime would be quite cruel: forced ingestion of Vegemite MWAHAHA This new way of advertising by the way; I can get behind, Onion. Bravo

[@hoangtran4736]

i think the australian edition would force players to press ctrl + alt + down_arrow upon starting the game.

[@legendarytat8278]

Send your criminals to another undiscovered continent

[@spaghettilives5106]

I would love to live under "a brutal Canadian occupation"

[@SPACEDOUT19]

i laughed when i heard that phrase

[@hazukichanx408]

December 1944: Canadian troops break the last pockets of resistance in the US. Within months, the country is subjected to the horrors of free health care, polite neighbors and handsome cops on horseback who wear snazzy red jackets and cool hats. The world as we know it will never be the same...

[@AbhishekThakur-wl1pl]

This doesn't aged well. Trudeau just declared emergency. Lol true dictatorship.

[@qpol]

there would be no difference

[@unhommequicourt]

Well i guess we ve had a taste during covid

[@ScottyBeam]

Oh, Canada.

[@exploitativity]

MY HOME AND NATIVE LAAAAAAND

[@brandonwise5170]

fyrerider521 I have no idea why that made me laugh so much.

[@Slade366]

I'm going to play as Monaco and resist the invasion of Italy and later Germany, win the war, and force the world to raise their standards up to the compulsory life expectancy of 89.68 years.

[@ruofanyu6699]

the dictator we need

[@kerbo2383]

keep em on ventilators until then if you need to

[@charlesgoorsky2629]

Thats truly sadistic. 89 years of car races?

[@WeaponOfMyDestructio]

Im from Bermuda my country is so obscure we didnt even make it in this joke

[@shooter5503]

I'm from Burma so it's more obscure. HA!

[@WeaponOfMyDestructio]

shooter5503 0:42 at least you made the list

[@MattPieti]

Maybe I'm missing something, but Bermuda comes alphabetically before Burma, which was the top country on the selection screen, so you can't see if it was on the list or not.

[@WeaponOfMyDestructio]

Matt Pieti - sorry could we just have a moment of silence for the joke you just killed

[@assmode6740]

WeaponOfMyDestructio Butthole....

[@TheIr0nMike]

I would unironically buy and play the shit out of this game.

[@jcrowley1985]

If Ireland ruled the world you would have to be drunk at all times and can get arrested for a DWI (driving without intoxication)

[@Hannibalkakihara]

Where do i sign up??

[@tfyk5623]

I do this irl

[@Rathial]

Darn the American version is just normal America D:

[@Redem10]

Canada conquer the world hell yeah!!!

[@bluemagician9724]

The short answer is no The long answer is noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

[@Kiyoko504]

Maple Syrup Aye

[@ohnoohgod290]

Miraak Dova that’s why it’s called an “alternate timeline”

[@sd-ft4gl]

...then everyone will be sorry...

[@EmpireTVDragon]

A likely scenario is that they would be RadPog (Radical Pogressives). They will make straws illegal and get jail time for using wrong pronouns. Anyone who question the progressive ideology would be sent to reeducation camps.

[@lugialover09]

Duuuude, why can't this exist? Oh my god, this is the first thing that The Onion has actually made me think "That would be so amazing."

[@Zelousmarineinspace]

Maybe the fact that I don't want to see America as a brutal dictatorship enslaving & torturing anyone who speaks against it while it builds an unconquerable army that they got over like it is their own private toy collection while people starve of disease & other conquered territories feel disgusted at it's inhuman acts of genocide against the free people of Europe- Oh wait. I just said the reality.

[@PunkRockLove01]

Zelousmarineinspace no, you didn't

[@Zelousmarineinspace]

PunkRockLove01 You'd be surprised. Just as well I live in Australia

[@PunkRockLove01]

Zelousmarineinspace I live in America. None of that shit happens. The part about us having the giant unconquerable army is true, but we don't commit genocide against the Europeans or torture and enslave people who speak against us. And how exactly do you starve of disease? Diseases don't render you unable to eat unless it is a super serious case. Also, how are we responsible for people getting sick and starving? We help them all we can.

[@Zelousmarineinspace]

PunkRockLove01 I believe you are wanting to forget Abu Ghraib.

[@americawashington2700]

I desperately need someone to make this real.

[@gckbowers411]

Should've ended with "Americans can choose a future where they left a bunch of bombs in Vietnam and the Middle East and patrol the world with unmanned aircraft. Oh wait."

[@tybofborg]

lemonsyay1 If they are unexploded, then I'm pretty sure they didn't quite work as advertised. It's not just the Vietnam and Middle East btw. I'm from Hungary, and we still regularly find unexploded WW2 bombs. You guys really need to improve that shit. Maybe borrow some weapons experts from places where they know how to design bombs... Germany, for example. Oh wait...

[@FredThaSlayer]

Yes! Saunas for everyone!

[@tryfinally]

Has Bethesda teamed up with Onion or something? I love it

[@123Kungfumasta]

"everyone has to wear socks from soft Al Paka wool.... the kind of dictatorship I like.."

[@Condor2481]

Peruvian here. I can actually came with some.solid.peruvian dystopias

[@fignalforest9985]

You know, this actually is not a bad idea for a game.

[@Racecarlock]

"American players get an american utopia where hot dogs and apple pie are eaten for every meal, all the time." So, america basically?

[@DELTA912420]

Aiden Rosaanhael IN CA it's Mexican food with foul running around.

[@brycehale5170]

People in America dont even eat hot dogs and apple pie that much.

[@Racecarlock]

Bryce Hale *GASP* COMMUNISTS! (This message brought to you by the patriotic americans for america and patriotism association, and by the office of homeland security.)

[@steelrarebit7387]

There are two types of people in the world. Those who eat hotdogs and apple pie for every meal, and communists.

[@stellarfirefly]

I want to play in an alternate timeline where Macedonia won World War II. Make it happen, Bethesda! (I'll let you all decide whether I mean the Kingdom that no longer existed, or the Republic that didn't exist yet.)

[@Scr0II]

OMG the Top News ticker is hilarious!!! XD Yahoo Drops Exclamation Point After Decades Of Not Being Exciting

[@JapLomm]

Wow. The Onion did his homework about some countries. The whiteboard with the word "Cebiche" for the peruvian gamer is a nice accuarate detail.

[@stanleyholmes1266]

Seems canadian dystopia isn't so friendly as in the game. Optimist.

[@Galdenberry_Lamphuck]

The Japanese one already exists. It's a movie called Jin Roh and it's just so fucking good.

[@Hakasedess]

I'd buy that.

[@brandonwise5170]

For a dollar.

[@UngodlyFreak]

SUOMI MAINITTU! TORILLA TAVATAAN!

[@awfullyawful]

If the Nazis had won. I shudder at the thought and I sympathize with the people living under their rule in the alternate universe that's sure to exist according to modern physicists. Speaking of which. How long are we going to sit around and do nothing while an infinite number of people suffer under an infinite number of dystopian realities?

[@TheCheat_1337]

Considering we haven't done anything for the seven billion living in this dystopian reality...probably gonna have to wait a while on that one bro.

[@Larpikarp]

Sal C Who said anything about America? Poland is the good guys :P

[@awfullyawful]

***** I think the Poles might just be the best people on earth. Take a look at a map of the plague. The whole black death thing just kinda skipped Poland. In my book, Polish people are tops.

[@ShokhWorld]

what about asia will that be cool

[@SatanEnjoyer]

Sal C Slavery happened worldwide though. You can't blame the Americans for that.

[@evandill]

Oh the Onion, the one time you get sponsored and it's glorious

[@Lewa500]

If you think they rarely get sponsored, you really don't know who they are.

[@MenwithHill]

LOOOOOOL. OH MY GOD. THAT FLAG IS AWESOME. 0:46

[@Awesomefacecraft]

I actually want a game like this. As a Junior high student on track to get a degree in Computer Science I swear I’m going to make a game like this, it’ll probably have to suck though. Maybe it’ll be one of those text based games... but I have to make something.

[@estheay3611]

Have you made any progress lol

[@Hawkjoe]

Please put this game on Kickstarter

[@griffisman]

Also this video was hilarious. I liked the Canada time line especially!

[@Rizzivisionary]

I wish this existed

[@RoScFan]

A global Romanian Empire. Fun thing to imagine :)

[@tanith117]

Vini Vidi Vici

[@wrestlingpurist9784]

Mussolini's dream

[@plumjet09]

I think he means Romania not Rome, Italy.

[@bulletprooth]

I want this game.

[@Joaquinperez6]

I broke down in laughter at the Canadian death robot

[@IngetKant]

The Onion, oh how do I love you.

[@SAsgarters]

I... I would buy this game.

[@bobbobertson9325]

Every Hearts of Iron 4 meme ever...

[@DannySullivanMusic]

These are the only type of advertisements I am okay with

[@Nicolas.Vincent]

I thought this would be super tasteless, like The Onion tasteless, but as a fan of Wolfenstein and as a Canadian, I found this to be super cute.

[@chipophqofficial7180]

the reason why this update is taking so long is that it will take a very long time to program and code in all of the countries

[@highgrove8545]

When I played the game and chose Sweden, it turned into a post apocalyptic survival game, apparently rotten fish is toxic to 90% of the world population... Well, at least allemansrätten spans the entire globe now so I can go where ever I want.

[@Player_Review]

I could barely survive all the salt, but the akvavit would be enough to sustain me.

[@mrnevermind]

Onion always teases us with good ideas

[@viewtiful1doubleokamihand253]

Onion... Did you ever considered making game reviews ?

[@Loquification]

The number of things I wish were real has increased dramatically

[@alBoorack]

-"In Canadian Dystopia Hockey more popular than football" *nuke*

[@HeierMr]

Why did I think this was real

[@krombopulos_michael]

If they make that Canadian apocalypse, I'm preordering it asap

[@milascave2]

I'm remebering the 1980s SNL skit "Amerida," set in a world when Canada is in control of the USA. When the daughter asks dad what he is "so upset abute," he rants that "I rember a time when the subways were dirty. They were filthy, discusting pig styles."

[@destroyerblackdragon]

I'm kinda confused by this premise because Wolfenstine isn't about Germans fighting nazis.

[@artman40]

I wonder what would Grenada's version look like.

[@chungadaddy]

I'd buy that for a dollar

[@justarandomsovietofficerwi2023]

At first I believed this…until I saw that it was posted by The Onion.

[@normanwhite5267]

This is inaccurate, in WW2 the Canadian flag was still the Red Ensign, we didn’t change it to the leaf until the 60s.

[@Dresdenstl]

I wish it let us run through levels that aren't tight corridors.

[@dimwitacans]

I fucking love onion

[@saltysavestate5855]

Pre-Earth immediately made me laugh

[@Drirton]

The Onion I know this is a joke an all but- you guys need to contact some gaming company and have this made (for PC of course). Seriously, though. And don't forget multiplayer. This needs to be a thing.

[@essenceofnothingness]

If you pick Israel you get the true ending.

[@italodirenzo5876]

I love how all the typical Canadian stereotypes are established by people who aren't even from Canada...

[@yurikana]

That sounds surprisingly interesting.

[@rockpixels]

10/10 would play.

[@Michformer]

That Canadian dystopia...

[@BenWillock]

1:46 Yeah, we're living in the American utopia, like, in the real world.

[@d0wns0wth]

***** In that case, I have a rare infection of Otakuism (Japanese anime culture)

[@Player_Review]

I have also been infected by the Japanese anime culture.

[@moeezS]

The Finnish version kills me. That's my kind of dystopia.

[@thalunizz21]

I love when they get sponsored by games.

[@evanellis9178]

Modders: Challenge accepted

[@JyL1]

CEVICHE! (underline)

[@JaysonVaughn]

i want maps, i want to see the borders of different colonial governments and puppet states under each new world order.

[@Phi1618033]

'Canadian dystopia' is redundant.

[@tonyfriendly4409]

Finland kind of did win World War II. They resisted invasions by both the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany, and were able to maintain their sovereignty through the Cold War. Pretty impressive for the most sparsely populated country in Europe.

[@Paranuui]

Apple pie? This really is a dystopia...

[@ItAintFunnyNow]

Accept this is not happening in the final game

[@RDeathmark]

wow! i'm going to play through every country's story, this game just got way more awesome!

[@mikuhatsunegoshujin]

No option for the Anarchists. I guess Soviet is close enough. "Everyone provides according to his ability, and takes according to his need, just the kind of totaltarian dystopia I prefer."

[@kittencorp.3295]

HOI4 mods in a nutshell, they just do it with WW1. Don’t question how Switzerland won.

[@mikadoescontent]

But how did my country, a diverse, tropical, got colonized literally everytime before ww2, and weak on military won ww2

[@mohamedzain5388]

before i knew this was onion news i really thought it was real..........................

[@hhhneru3474]

Finland!!! Get back in the sauna for 20 more minuts...

[@Visias-Games]

I would play this game.

[@hahafunnymen11]

Man i would play the crap out of this if this was real. Even if nothing would happen in it. I would just try everything and laugh myself to death. XD

[@lopiklop]

That actually would be REALLY REALLY cool, but I don't think it would be a Wolfenstein game.

[@CoolDude-ts2hc]

...isn't this just Hearts of Iron 4

[@Eke1335]

I think Japan and soviet union would Be intresting

[@wrestlingpurist9784]

We already have the Soviet one in Freedom Fighters, but the Japan one is something to really see about. I mean, in a way, it would fit the term of militaristic dystopia since they were more immoral and even more brutal than the Nazis in WW2.

[@Eke1335]

​@@wrestlingpurist9784true

[@Eke1335]

​@@wrestlingpurist9784well if this was stalinist victory image the purgess higher

[@MrBishopIsThaVIP]

And then I saw Onion D:

[@JallenMeodia]

I would so play this game, not even joking.

[@cjames2925]

LOL underlines ceviche

[@DemagogueBibleStudy]

As a Wisconsinite who is probably at least a little racist in that "aww you're so cute!" way towards America's Safety Hat, that Canada bit was golden.

[@themans8226]

I'm fuckin hyped broh

[@kingdongmclong9795]

The Onion is actually better than SNL, you actually cut to the chase very expertly... Not as long winded as SNL... WELL DONE!!!!