Stop pouring into cups that don't pour into yours (it's time to set *boundaries*)

[@meagan.phillip]

This video was made for me ! I have a long history of people taking me for granted, walking all over me, and literally calling me “too nice” because I was a people pleaser since childhood. Now that I’ve learned to set boundaries and ignore the discomfort that comes with checking people, I noticed people treat me way better because I don’t even give them the chance to disrespect me. That includes even family and my closest friends ! If you tolerate mistreatment from the people closest to you, that is the love you think you deserve from the rest of the world

[@bfbmain]

Absolutely! 💯

[@soniar9305]

Props to you for talking about this stuff! Being a Desi myself, I understand the struggle of unlearning the toxic narrative that's drilled into us as young people - If you love someone, you'll go through endless means to please them. It starts with our parents and seeps into every and all relationships from then on. I think operating without boundaries breeds resentment. If you're constantly trying to please everyone, you're eventually going to experience burn-out and feel unappreciated for the silent compromises you've been making. It makes sense that people would be pissed off if you suddenly develop a backbone and learn to say no to them, haha. Anyway, I've actually been thinking of starting a podcast with my mom about topics like this. Your videos inspire me to go for it! Thank you :)

[@bfbmain]

Thanks so much for your comment! And please do go for it; we need more diversity in perspective! 🩷😊

[@cleoandgiuseppe]

I’m going through this currently, at 27 now and I realising that I’ve let people walk all over me my whole life including partners, family, friends, co workers. I’ve quit jobs due to resentment wondering why I’m always being treated poorly even though I like the job itself but I constantly felt taken advantage of because I could never set boundaries or stick up for myself, I’ve let people say rude things to be and disrespect me and just brushed it off, now that I’ve slowly started to stick up for myself and set boundaries I’ve noticed how offended people will act and start to play the victim towards me and I’ve lost many people along the way and it does feel lonely but man am I starting to feel better and more confident too, unfortunately I’m still looking for a new job so I just hope when I find one that I can stick to it and set boundaries from the beginning like I’ve started doing in my personal life. I find it much harder to do in the work environment. Thank you for making this is came at the perfect time.

[@user-tt5rc7yx9o]

how do u only have 14k subscribers bruh I could literally listen to u talk for hours

[@bfbmain]

Aww thank you 🥹🩷

[@evildoesnotsleep-x2b]

i'm sorry you went through that and glad that you worked to be this amazing woman today, who's a shiny example of independence and intellect

[@bfbmain]

🩷❤️🩷

[@sildarmillion]

I grew up as something of a people pleaser myself and have been through situations similar to what Yusra describes of living with relatives, and I have a history of people pleasing A LOT of family members. And anytime they would get upset with me, I would beat myself up over it. It has been through years of living alone and maturing and growing, and also spending a lot of time in therapy that was difficult that I grew into (well am still growing into) someone who is confident enough in myself that I don't beat myself up over anything any more. I have better boundaries, sure, but it's so much more than that. I developed skills of learning to process conversations real-time rather than 2 days later. So, when people are shit-talking my mom or somebody else close to me, I no longer stay quiet and listen and engage with that conversation -- asking them why they are deciding share this right now and is this an appropriate place to share information like this. Essentially, I engage in these conversations by asking questions. Perhaps those are the same difficult questions that my therapists have asked me. And while it offends people in that moment, long-term, I have been observing that my position among various family members have been shifting. (Maybe it's a double edged sword -- now everyone wants to come to me to talk about their problems lol, but on the plus side, I don't feel treated like a caterpillar but more like someone trusted and respected.) Anyways, the point of all this is to say I can't recommend therapy enough. And a lot of people think therapy "doesn't work" because they go in to therapy trying to find solutions to problems. Therapy isn't about finding solutions to problems. It's about confronting difficult questions about yourself. And being able to and open to continue confronting difficult questions about yourself. We often want to go to therapists who will tell us what to do, but really, the best therapists are the ones who don't tell us what to do or how to think, but the ones who make us think about things we had never considered before, and maybe they make us uncomfortable but that's a good thing. And that was how I managed to not be a people pleaser. This was super rambly and probably wouldn't make sense to anyone who hasn't been through the same kind of therapy. But listening to Yusra also makes me think about things and I just felt like writing.

[@acd1168]

Boundaries saved my life. They keep me sane and are the reason why I have emotional control.

[@thepragmatist]

Great video. I would also add that as a woman sometimes people will rage at me for setting boundaries. I've had men become very angry with me when they try to interrupt me when I'm speaking. I'll say something like, "Let me finish my thought please." I say it very calmly but I have had a few people become very angry. This is a small thing but I've had the same experience in larger situations. With that said, I completely agree that setting boundaries is key. It's one of the ways that you'll find out people's true nature based on their reaction.

[@booksale5]

True, an assertive woman is seen as a ah hem. However an assertive man is also toxic masculinity. Likewise fawning will occur with a woman crying but revolt if a man cries despite the amount of courage and pain it takes for a man to break in such a manner.

[@shreeyaraychoudhury3531]

I think the way we come out of adversity speaks a lot about ourselves. ❤❤❤ I love how you speak out about the problems you faced and have such positive outlook and help others. You go girl ! 👏

[@bfbmain]

Love youuuu 🩷❤️🩷

[@shreeyaraychoudhury3531]

@@bfbmain love you too 😘 ❤️

[@alicec.6195]

As you said, sometimes a little distance solve our relationship issues.

[@EeeeVeee231]

Hate to say it this people pleasing/fawning is still here even as I just turned 31! Hate to admit! So, this video was needed.

[@pallavidawson7933]

Thank you for speaking about this and sorry for your experience. It’s so hard. Today, I was thinking about when people talk about forgiveness over the Christmas period but that can be just an excuse to cross boundaries again. Hope you continue to prosper, love your channel!

[@bfbmain]

You're so right; forgiveness can be such a beautiful thing, but sometimes certain people just aren't good for you. Also, thanks so much! 🩷❤️

[@pallavidawson7933]

@@bfbmainyou’re very welcome. Have a great end of the year!

[@Heyu7her3]

Ugh! People have bastardized forgiveness so much... it requires repentance, or "turning round due to guilt"

[@thepragmatist]

I'm still watching this video. Just paused it to say I'm sorry you went through that with your extended family and I can totally relate to your experience (not with family in my case but with supposedly close friends). It's like it's a loan that you have to pay back but they don't ever tell you that up front...they tell you with their actions after the fact. If you don't know what to look for, the payback seems subtle and it can be hard to figure out. I always thought most people gave unconditionally. Unfortunately, they don't. And a lot of times you won't find out till after the fact. I do my best to be as independent as possible for this reason. I've found a decent amount of people in the U.S. to be like this...certainly not everyone but enough so I'm aware of this conditional giving loan-type of dynamic. Thanks for this video and all the best to you.

[@bfbmain]

You're so right, a loan that you can never pay off imo. All we can do is over time learn to stand up for ourselves, but it's easier said than done 🩷❤️

[@thepragmatist]

Yes. Exactly. It's almost like you have to go through a situation like you did in order to understand the dynamics. Good for you for figuring it out! I literally had to go through it with several people until I figured out what was happening. It's not like anyone tells you, "This is a loan that you'll have to pay back." And you're right, in their minds you're indebted because of that one thing they did for you 10 years ago. It's bizarre but unfortunately that's the way some people think.@@bfbmain

[@lolatiffhur]

In the future as much as I love my kids there is a life outside my kids and I would never disrespect a friend who ‘doesn’t’ have that. like as you’ve said be comfortable and content in your singleness.

[@aaryag3406]

Yusra thank you, your content really lits me up when i am feeling low😊

[@meganchambers8108]

This video is SOO timely for me personally right now ❤ working on boundaries in therapy and so much of this resonated. Loved hearing your take!

[@bfbmain]

🩷❤️🩷

[@dancinginthepurplereign4126]

I had a tumultuous childhood so people literally bullied and abused me for a loooooong time. Most of my friendships were abusive and bullies. They bullied me. I cut them off 4 years ago. Lol 😂 feels like yesterday. But it's been 4 years

[@Flower.Power.1996]

You are so beautiful I can't even😍

[@NancyDelautrecsRetroWaves]

Great video and you are 100% correct.

[@Mona-em5ii]

Amazing video as always!

[@StaceyNelsonTVNetwork]

Great Video 💯🥰👏🏼Shared Blessings beautiful 😇

[@RaeesAhmad-ye9pi]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@bfbmain]

🩷❤️🩷

[@booksale5]

However in reality sometimes privilege doesn’t allow your boundary setting to be as equitable as privileged groups regardless of the ethical standard that objectively supports your boundary. It’s shit but life’s not fair.

[@thepragmatist]

Excellent point. Completely agree with this.

[@Heyu7her3]

😂 WHO'S THE MAN CRYING ON THAT TIKTOK???

[@lolatiffhur]

Did you live with a family with kids your age or younger. What was life for them as well? Did they have it easier as the kids of those parents. I’m guessing you lived with your cousins

[@bfbmain]

Yes they had a child much younger than me, and they treated her like a princess (which was sweet for that child but man was it night and day from how they treated me 😅)

[@Ali-gb7mf]

Its Durseley not Dudley.

[@Chaucer129]

Yusra, your videos are so helpful and inspiring. Thank you for the great content! xx

[@bfbmain]

🩷❤️🩷