Struggling With the Impact of Your Choices?

[@muttybuddydog]

Having kids and a family does not guarantee that you won't be lonely in old age. Be intentional with all relationships, including friendships.

[@Zumcho]

Very true.

[@a.d.b535]

Then there are disabled children who can't. And able bodied ones who won't.

[@Tionaintown876]

Your child is much more likely to be there for you than your friend. Go by stats, your friend will not take care of you just because they will too busy or they will also be old as you or dead. Have many children and treat them well so you have the best chance. Raise them the right way

[@debbielockhart7762]

​@@Tionaintown876Not true.

[@sookibeulah9331]

Having kids doesn’t guarantee anything but not having them has a much greater likelihood of aging and dying alone. At 51 I have no reason to anticipate anyone giving me anywhere close the love, care and attention I gave my (divorced) terminally ill parents.

[@KimSmith-b9v]

How many of us regret almost everything we have done or not done in our lives? I wish I could live my life again with the knowledge I have now.

[@Mysterious_Moon]

I’ve been where Emily is.. 5 years ago. Dr John is right. Start somewhere, and you’ll end somewhere great. Age is only a number, and the progress happened before I knew it. I lost weight, started routinely exercising, dropped an abusive husband, started therapy and only recently really dealt with horrible childhood stuff, found several groups of close friends to depend on versus before- being utterly alone. I’m a different, happy person. She’ll find she’s worth the effort.

[@10024westsidenyc]

That's amazing @Mysterious_Moon! I'm in a position where I'm having to walk away from family caregiving and a toxic friend, plus trying to declutter my life and get fit. I'm having to rebuild my life to be a healthier, happier version of myself. What were your first steps towards a fitness journey and meeting new friends? If you don't mind sharing.☺

[@csleung444]

I love this. Thank you. I was in the same place as Emily too. I found my life, a good life, thru volunteering for animals, being honest with what i want and do not want to do, figuring out what kind of person i wanted to be. Thats where my control was. I chose minimalism, vegetarianism and helping animals and finding a job that I actually want to do.

[@jbecknell-mm1cg]

I have been in this place. My fear caused me to make poor choices. Now I am still by myself but I focus on the path God has for me until I go home to heaven.

[@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933]

My grand daughter has ADHD. I tell her that our brains are all different and that I love her just the way she is....above all this is what I want her to know.

[@karenlubeck3294]

Emily, It is never too late. Woman's Bible Study, Yoga class, keep some great books on your phone, volunteer, etc. Life your life.

[@Lilymoo88]

I’ve seen plenty of lonely old people in the nursing home who have children that never visit. Go travel l the world with other women. I booked a spot on a trip to Iceland with other solo travellers. It was the best experience I’ve had in my life. Go out there and start living ❤

[@patriciagondeck3056]

Emily-Your story touched me. I live in Austin and promise not to judge where you're from. I am a bit older than you, but if you need someone to hang out with, please reach out. I have the fear of dying alone and/or I die and no one knows.

[@loraineisherenow6881]

I needed this one. I have suffered with adhd my whole life, diagnosed at age 7 in 1990. I have been medicated and doing behavior therapy since my 11 yr old was diagnosed at age 7 along side her. I also have a husband who uses mine and my daughters adhd behaviors as a excuse for his issues he won't go to therapy for. You can be organized and complete tasks and still have issues that need to be addressed. Adhd is a executive function disorder. You never get the proud or accomplished feeling of completing tasks. You live in shame for not being able to do basic things other people can do, even when you know you might be more capable then those others.

[@ozwaldmosis3603]

Wow, I was diagnosed back in 1990 too. 'We is OG' 😊 But for most of my life, the diagnosis didn’t really change anything. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I began to understand just how much it has shaped who I am, how I respond, and how I act. For so long, I just thought I was failing at being a “normal” human. But really, I was just trying to navigate a world that wasn’t built with me in mind.

[@PrincesSoulmate]

Emily, I feel for you honey but even if you did have kids and a husband, that doesn't mean they would be there for you in the end. I have seen mothers give EVERYTHING they had (time, love and attention) to a child as they were growing up only to be abandoned and criticized by them later! On the other hand, if you build friendships with people that you love by choice and they love you back, you will find that they are often far more dependable! Build a happy life now. Go for it!

[@jennifermarie8707]

Very wise words, and well said

[@pandabear7177]

As an adult with ADHD, we do need direction and focus externally. But yelling just shuts me down.

[@anitawitt84]

I’ve just recently figured out that I deal with ADHD-noise is a huge issue for me and I CANNOT be yelled at at all. One relative thinks she should be able to “express” herself as she wants to, including yelling at me and afterwards I should just respond however I want. After being yelled at, I can’t even remember what was said to me, I certainly can’t respond. Thanks for repeating him to set this in my brain.

[@nathaliebasile6168]

Hello. My deceased loving ADHD husband was the most important loving person I ever met in my life. I remember when he told me that he had ADHD when we met. I was puzzled and clueless. But my heart said to me : I can only judge the man on what I have experienced with him so far and I will not let a Dx “mental illness” dictate what I should feel or think. It is true that I met my husband later in life when he had more understanding of his situation. But I have to say that often what is not emphasized about ADHD is that if you are the object of their laser attention “you are so loved and understood on so many levels “ . I miss him a lot. His place in my heart is a place of so much joy. I don’t like the word illness associated with ADHD. The capacity of an ADHD person to understand complexities is going to serve the world immensely. Thank You

[@leahcompton2522]

Omar, you are doing fantastic! Tears came to my eyes hearing you speak about caring for her. God made a perfect choice in you. You said "yes".

[@carolgiangreco6548]

This is some of your best work, Dr. Delony. Blessings and love to all the world.

[@sydneywithers617]

Omar! Dude, you're amazing! Your love for Jesus and Father's heart for adoption is so beautiful. Gives me a lot of hope as a christian single mom living Isaiah 54 and Psalm 71

[@JohnnyTakeAll]

The best mental health podcast OF ALL TIME might have just had its best episode ever. Dr John you are a legend. Crazy to see your growth from horse noises to the conversations you are having now.

[@flashthecorgi2053]

For real! John makes me laugh every single day with his silliness but he is also such a good guy and so genuine and kind. He’s changing lives out in the world that’s for sure!

[@marybischoff-moore8615]

The wisdom that comes out of this man’s mouth completely blows my mind praise God for him❤️

[@karenlubeck3294]

Ease off of the young Man. Come up with a general evening routine, write it down, laminate it. This can be agreed upon by the Son, Mom, and Dad. Keep his laminated evening routine in the kitchen and keep it in the same place to utilize every night. One of the steps can be to put his shoes by the door for school the next day. Keep encouraging your son to use the steps. Lists are helpful. Hug and Love on him. Love each other the three of you. Teamwork.

[@10024westsidenyc]

I'm cheering Emily on, I think she will do great!

[@tessaoshea5697]

Arrange your onwards life assuming you have to take care of your future self. Choose a nursing home early. Save for long term care.

[@carolynmaryscott]

John is a remarkable, insightful and loving human being. He is on a par with Gabor Mate ... he is a revelation! Rave on John.

[@janemuir3546]

Holly from Little Rock, I get you to my core. Fortunately/unfortunately we never had children so we don't have a child involved. Thank you Holly for calling in, giving words to many of our homes. Thank you Dr John for your words. Especially not being able to beat ADHD out of anyone. FYI, I've tried to pray, read and perform it out (church/God performance). Can routine help me, yes. Will it fix me, nope.

[@TessaRamsay]

Came across this. I got my ADHD diagnosis at 29. My mom likely has it. I suffered my dad not protecting me from her frustration and emotional abuse. I’m still recovering. I have chosen to forgo kids because I don’t want to turn into her. Protect your kids and get them the help they need. Neurodiversity is beautiful.

[@rebeccamurphy3251]

@TessaRamsay I can tell just by your response that you’ll never be like your mother.

[@alessiadannertentrus8586]

Hey John I am not struggling with ADHS and I can tell you that what you said a ADHD Kid needs the most is exactly the same every kid needs as roots to grow from. A father and a mother you know they love you. I am very much destroyed now finally getting to know myself and I see very clear what it did to me my dad did not wanted me in his family. Not liked me at all. I got a drug addiction and look back on a life of pain and struggle. Dont know how to handle myself anymore.

[@ruthb704]

So sorry to hear that There is hope for better life,don’t give up I found my hope in Jesus and I know you could too Call out to Him, He will lead you to life!🙏

[@brandyk]

Wow i really appreciate Emily's bravery on making this call..This is a huge concern for me and i imagine many more people but it's still not the norm.. Certainly people who married n had children have no guarantee that they wont die alone and of course the older you are,the more likely this can be. She clearly has been too afraid to be alone all of her life but she is not alone as many people felt the same but they are actually still in those relationships be in marriage or significant other. She admits herself that she would have still been with either of her husband had they not left. Was so glad John stopped her when she was giving the timeline n mentioned how the first husband left with the 2 kids she had grown to love as their stepmom. That must have been heartbreaking and id bet she doesn't even feel she can say just how much. People often think you can only really love a child who is biologically yours. Thats so silly. Had they stayed married and one or certainly both of those children died in a car accident one day, nobody would bat an eye knowing how devastated she was. Yes its great the kids arent dead but to Emily it liklely feels the same. Yet there is no grief group for that kind of loss is there? I loved how John had her picture herself as the old person and such as usually when we think about it we quickly stop ourselves bc its so difficult. It can even create even more self destructive thoughts. This is not an easy thought even for people with family or ride or die friends and certainly for those closer to that.end. Let's ne honesy at least many people get married to not be alone now while they are youngish and have kids so they wont be alone when they are ol. Almost no one admits this. Some have kids for other reasons as well and are actually pretty decent parents and others it's pretty obvious that's the only rest they had children. For me i just hope that I will be lucky enough to have a heart attack at some point n spare myself the life of Alzheimer's or incapacitation in a nursing home but so too do many people with family as theu wish to spare them all that unpleasantness and themselves. Even with loving family,its no picnic. Then i get back to focusing on the day,week,month and hopefully years in front of me n whats the best way to spend them. I'm 57 so i don't expect that to happen soon but of course any of us could be in an accident or some act of violence and be gone tomorrow. The worry that Emily, I and others have however is when we are not taken suddenly. About 15 years ago and up to about 6 years ago, I was somewhat suicidal ( no need for details) so getting older didnt really comcern me. Big challenge with now wanting and trying to live is dealing with that now. I would also urge Emily if she could bring herself to do it,to volunteer with the elderly or people in nursing home,assisted living etc. She may feel worse but she may find something else instead.. I'm sure there are people working in such places in similar situation and they have likely made peace with this somehow. Hang in there Emily. You are enough. Make some friends n be open to love just dont settle for crap.

[@teri3965]

I got diagnosed at 51. Things started making sense knowing my challenges. Mine affects my lack of focus and attention. I start trying to clean house and get sidetracked 20 times. It’s frustrating. Wish I could hyper focus on chores.

[@susanbulot6040]

This was amazing Dr John, both your callers and advise

[@Hen-of-the-Month]

Excellent show as always, Dr. John. I really enjoyed listening to everyone who called in. They all seem like good, genuine human beings who are trying to make the most out of life and I wish them all the best!

[@nowandthennn]

The fear of dying alone is a real fear . And it usually occurs in people who are smart enough to know they don’t have enough relationships in their lives or pick the wrong relationships or has social anxiety or has a hard time in relationships. Or all the above . Emily have you thought about artificial insemination to have a baby or adopting kids through the foster care . My sister had a baby at 40 . Create your own family if you can . I have the same fear you have and I waited too late , but you still have time I believe.

[@joannebarclay]

Omar, go back and listen to this again.

[@funicon3689]

why is this show so cathartic ?

[@dachater1]

Yip! We can all relate with the human condition in all its different struggles. This show is real in that regard. Normal life on social media etc doesn’t allow for this level of vulnerability!

[@carosol07]

Please take more ADHD calls !

[@Lifetimelearningisbrave]

Wow the amount of ads on these shows is astounding!!!! It make it hard to listen to as I’m listen at 2x (I’m adhd and am a fast processor) and multitasking doing house work in between homeschooling breaks but have to skip the 5 minute ads every 10 minutes.

[@tinam761]

You CANNOT shame the ADHD out of a person or hit (spank) it out of them. It’s literally the way someone’s 🧠 brain functions. Someone with ADHD already has a built in shame mechanism in their head. Shame is an integral part of ADHD as people with it are constantly reminded they are not “normal” like everyone else. Choosing to try to beat it out of someone, physically or mentally is just adding trauma to make it even worse!!! Can you traumatize a child into behaving better? … maybe …sometimes. Likely you’ll just add other mental health issues that just make things worse. Proper love and attention and support… a healthy diet is more important with ADHD, no chemicals like red food coloring help, no to fast food, real restorative 🛌 sleep … Please don’t allow adults that think they can “spank” ADHD out of a child anywhere near your child.

[@BellClan37]

YOU CANNOT BEAT ADHD OUT OF A HUMAN!!! Truth. My dad tried. Failed 4 out of 4 times. His dad tried and failed too. It's a brain type not a bad behavior.

[@jennifermarie8707]

First caller's husband is indeed a feelings guy. Contrary to popular belief, things like confusion, frustration, anger, and helplessness are feelings

[@marcsi05]

21:33 Says “holler me anytime” to Holly who started the call by yelling “Holly” 😄 Great episode as always. Emily sounds like a cool person, hope you find healing!

[@Livinlife33]

Well done Omar!

[@natela_mk]

I don't like when John casually says "you're making love to them," like it's completely appropriate to discuss someone's sex life in front of an audience when they haven't introduced the topic themselves. And I also think it's weird he says "I love you" to someone he's never met before, maybe "I care" would feel more authentic.

[@sara-jonathanjerdan738]

Awesome episode. Random: set up Emily + Omar 🎉

[@kitkat9655]

I went through the same with my husband. Didn't have emails then,so he called at least 10 times a day. Alcoholic also

[@maryamory1549]

I am 61. I still struggle at times. I thought when I finally got diagnosed at 44, in an abusive marriage, trying to advocate for our kids, that people who made fun of me or judged me would say “ I’m so sorry. I had no idea that you were struggling with that all of your life. I thought you were lazy, rude, spacey…..” No. They just said they have pills for that. ADD is annoying to others, yet no one has ever asked what it is like for me. I saw it in our children and when I told my husband I was taking them to be evaluated he replied “ You’re crazy !They’re fine!” I’m not crazy . I was right.I should’ve trusted my gut and taken them years earlier. Yeah, ADD doesn’t disappear when you are out of school.

[@christiangenger]

That first call, my heart breaks for that boy and his Mother… I was that kid. I was “too much” and now my own therapy is going all the way back to that place that didn’t feel loved unless she did things “right” by the standards of people who didn’t understand ADHD. I ended up having relationships that accepted abuse for the sake of feeling less than deserving, and also repetitive dysfunction. All that to say this effects so many areas of one’s life as time goes on. That Father needs his own therapy if he truly cares deeply for his son, that boy needs his Dad to realize that the detrimental consequences of his actions could follow his son his entire life. If he doesn’t stop being a knucklehead he will ruin his child. Makes me mad, I can’t help it for how much I relate to that child. 😢 Truly loving your son means getting help… makes me feel ill. He’s just checked out… that poor Mom in the middle.

[@michaelallen1154]

2nd caller Emily - had no emotional relationship with her parents.

[@brandyk]

Wow Kudos to Omar. What a horrible situation he was handed. As one blessing comes thr other left. I guess its a bit like mother's dying in childbirth that was so common years ago. He's already done a great job. Relax n enjoy n find some fun things to do for you n your daughter. She will only be young once n not for nothing she may not even want to go to . medical or dental school so br sure not to push that on her. God bless

[@cindi5853]

Emily's call hit me hard. So much of how she feels resonates Then Dr John said he used to eat brown sugar with a spoon! I used to fill a 16 oz tumbler cup with sugar and eat it. I can remember doing this as young as 7. At least I know I'm not the only person who has ever done that. No one who I've told the story to about me can believe that anyone would do it. :)

[@jamesstanton3280]

I've eaten brown sugar w a spoon but never snorted it like John lol

[@alyross2850]

I used to eat butter packets and individual coffee creamers.

[@mamameg9916]

Same here but with powdered sugar.

[@aprilhumen1229]

Anxiety is usually a comorbidity of ADHD. Growing up with a parent that hits you and doesn't support you, makes you experience more anxiety and depression. My heart hurts for this boy.

[@TMichelle555]

Don't look for god look for god in people is such an incredible and powerful statement

[@3roachkidsdhe]

My 10 year old has ADHD and I’m looking for his shoe while I watch this show 😩🤪

[@merricat3025]

I get Emily's fear.

[@ashleymalone1537]

THANK YOU FOR THE PSA!!!! I WISH THIS WAS SAID OUT LOUD WHEN I WAS A CHILD!

[@westernpink]

Dude, the mission trip is great and all, but do vacations to just spend time with your daughter, too - no other agenda, just you and her. It feels like you are missing John's point about showing her that you love her.

[@r3negade47]

This guy is seems to be crushing at life but he only knows how to measure success by optimum outcomes. He can make more than enough money and his daughter will probably end up at somewhere like Harvard. However he just needs like John said to stop gripping his fist so tight. Go camping or to a beach holiday and do it just to enjoy life. Don’t bring your daughter on a missionary trip to teach her more about life. Life is for living. Leave work at work.

[@vincentrath59]

That guy was kind of frustrating- seemed like he was blowing by all of John’s advice and acted like he already had all the answers.

[@nancymachold8006]

Omar was probably nervous. I hope he takes the suggestion in a previous comment and watches or listens again. I'd add to pay close attention to John's advice!

[@brandyk]

Yes much respect for what Omar has gone through and how well he seems to be taking care of his daughter and sacrificing financially as well. Tho clearly is still doing well. He is in NYC though where 100k isn't as much as it sounds elsewhere and he has the child to support. But he sounds alot like an accountant. Sorry for the stereotype but although he actually seems to have decent sense of humor, he seems too much about numbers and saving. At least that's the way it seemed to me. Then again maybe that's because I have a sister who lacks emotions and ability to prioritize what really matters in life over career success,money etc. They are not exactly known for their warmth n people skills so it can be difficult to connect with them. Hope he also has some family n friends to help with their young girl especially as she starts entering middle school. Yikes!

[@kimvannatter5214]

Dang see this is the kind of stuff I wish I could say to my friend. She's in a similar type of story, different characters and different situation.. I feel so incompetent trying to convey my empathy and my encouragement, I desperately want to help her see there's a path out. Does Dr. John have any resources on how to become the kind of person your friends need?

[@elainenilsson5472]

If ADHD is a bodies response to chaos then what is the answer? Sounds like he is trying to give him structure and reverse some of this.

[@rubyb7252]

ADHD is tough man...I don't have it but my husband does and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the executive dysfunction part which I think is one of the most crippling parts of it. I'm a bit of an anxious person so I have to be very intentional in what I do or I'll freeze up, I almost have to plow through things or I won't do anything at all. And that's gotten me rather far in life. And that internal engine is just not present for my husband and it's only becoming more apparent as time passes. I almost have to have that internal motivation for the both of us for things to get done, and it's quite tiring😅 definitely a challenging condition for sure

[@louislove8354]

Love your advice and your ink!

[@HeatherHernandez-wv6te]

Emily! I think you sound great (and funny) and I'd be down to hang! I am in CA though ;) Maybe we can chat over a zoom and plan a visit! (btw I also am in my late thirties and living the solo life - working from home) soooo extra weird over here. . .

[@deniselanham2463]

I heard you say on one of your podcasts that there is a difference between rage and anger. I had not experienced being with anyone who screams at me until my most recent failed marriage. It only lasted 5 months. I believe that the difference between anger and rage is that rage is motivated by the need to dominate and therefore is manipulative. Am I correct in assuming that the rager is doing it to gain dominance?

[@jackie1710]

I can tell Omar knows his Scripture. 😊

[@allil87]

Thanks

[@lz6377]

You can’t beat ADHD out of a kid👏👏👏👏

[@tomnohmy1273]

I'm a Rockstar when it comes to making choices I'm trying to be a bit more humble about it, it's a struggle, I'll get there.

[@brandyk]

First Caller Holly has significant marital problems as well in my opinion. She seems to do alot of explaining n minimizing the husbands behavior. Additionally, I too notice sne refered to the boy as my son, rather than their son. That is very telling. I too thought perhaps it was a stepfather. When you offer someone to join you in therapy you have already taken the bold step in attending and theu flat out refuse to even go once or twice to get a better sense of what it woukd be like that is a revealing choice. Now couple tbat with him not even reading a book that she has read that she think woukd be helpful to him in understanding and he not only won't do that also but according to ber anyway,looks at her like she's crazy. Not sure if his reaction is bc she has read something that can ve helpful fot her relationship with her son or that she would have the berve to ask him to. John is frequently saying that "love is a behavior not a word or feeling" . I feel be dropped the ball a bit in this one. Urging the woman to ask the husband to call and how he might be able to speak with him and fet him to see the situation differently sounds nice but why ksnt what his wofe says enough? Why isn't it enough that sbe thinks ne should do things differently or read a book by an expert or attend therapy with her to get some insights? She mentioned that the husband talk to Dave Ramsay and nc kf this their financial situation is going better. Was this another huge aspect of their life that she couldnt alone fet him to compromise on or change.. That's troubling in itself and I can't help but qonder does he just have a lack of respect foe his wife or women in general. O could give a crap if he lived in a bad area when he was younger. Man up or get some help with it. I don't really think this is it at all. Sorry you dont do feelings. Then yiu never should have got married n certainly not had children. You cant claim to love someone and would do better if you had just had the tools yet every time you're giving an opportunity to get the tool,you choose not to. One day this man will expect his son to forgive bim and say "I did the best I could" but did be really?

[@barbarayoung190]

75 is not old. That is all. Over and out!

[@funicon3689]

then what is old?

[@brandyk]

Well you may be right but it's definitely not young. Fortunately many still doing well at this age within reason of course. There's plenty who dont even make it that far.

[@bffoxjr]

Caller 1: My mom has a hot take about ADHD despite not having any psych background. She believes it's caused by overstimulation in children under 10. If you look at children's entertainment before and after the 90s (where ADHD started being heavily diagnosed), you notice a correlation. We go from calm, muted colored shows like Mister Rogers and pre2000s Sesame Street to bright, colorful, fast moving stuff.

[@rungeon83]

The last guy was so painfully creepy, the over laughing, to wheezing on throwaway jokes, it felt like try hard 2000, I'm really hoping it wasn't a troll, but do know there are a lot of people out there with sob stories that aren't their own! I in some way hope this is the case as the idea of losing the love of my life while we have a new child would ruin me, that maybe it's better that make things up than have to deal with that... who knows, but 59:05 the joke about being confused for christ.. "ha ha" yes but the reaction was not one of a "in this world" kinda laugh. it's very odd like almost as if he wasn't sure if that was funny but made out it was not to be caught?

[@jeradkiester698]

23:45 this is one of those rare calls when it you are looking for a 3rd marriage and not 40 yet, the "toxic" others in your life may not only be them at all.

[@LivesUnderRock868]

30:00 I also said 20😂

[@wms201]

Is the mother the cause of this child’s issues

[@mamameg9916]

Oh hun, no. A child is born with ADHD.

[@janettetimms8650]

HOLLY! 😆😂

[@AbsoluteOptimum]

Hhmm agree to disagree. My dad always says stuff like ADHD never existed when he was a kid. And he's right, no one of his age has ADHD. It was just naughty kids that got a good smack and stopped acting like fools. I feel it's got a lot to do with today's processed foods.

[@RoseBeef.]

I wish Omar was my dad