Why Narcissists Absolutely Cling To A Victim Identity

Narcissists tend to have more than their fair share of conflicts and broken relationships. But as Dr. Les Carter explains, they rarely take responsibility for the problems they generate. Instead, they cling to The Victim's identity...strongly. But as you understand the reasoning behind their posturing, you can detach from the emotional strain they throw your way.
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[@l.5832]

They provoke, and provoke and provoke with abuse. Then when you try to fight back in defense, YOU are the bad guy and they tell everyone about your response without telling anyone what they did to warrant the response.

[@shebakali6]

Yes, when we react to their abuse, our reaction is called “reactive abuse”. That is why grey rock is important.

[@petekdemircioglu]

Yes. My mother. Noone stays with her. Everyone who comes start screaming in the 3rd day but for some reason she keeps finding people who believe her. She pays them to do So.

[@consciousbeing1188]

That's precisely how they maintain their victim identity... Through the sly manipulation of passive-aggression towards their targets they can effectively cower behind plausible deniability when the target makes them aware that they won't be subjected to their manipulations. The only way to respond to passive-aggression and not be a target is to do so with nonchalance.... it needs to be very matter-of-fact. If you respond with vitriol you are effectively playing right into their hands.

[@cbholmes4739]

Yes they certainly do tell everyone about your response to THEIR provocation... that's what they live for. Very very true, thank you for your clarity.

[@petekdemircioglu]

@@consciousbeing1188 Exactly

[@margochanning6868]

When you love people, you want them to be free and have independence. You do not try to control every aspect of their lives.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So accurate. Dr. C

[@gertrudewest4535]

Favorite all time movie character.

[@KoolT]

Yep

[@candieangie]

@@SurvivingNarcissism 😊

[@fifilafleur5555]

My narcissistic family does. My dad told me he would pick out a husband for me. And my grandmother told me to never have children. Not kidding one bit. Total control.

[@karoshi2]

Interestingly they seem to believe their own sob stories and that's what makes them so convincing for others.

[@skinnyway]

the story line doesnt change from person to person so its easy for them to become convinced of the reality they are building around them - each time they tell it they get better at it.

[@howyduinyall7653]

“When I cry everybody will take my side against this bully I married “just one of the narc’s many tactics, worst thing is people actually fall for it!

[@rob6115]

Yeah crazy stuff karoshi. They lie to themselves so much that they believe their own bs. Not only did they not screw you, but they did you a huge favour and you owe them for (turning your family against you/financially ruining you/leaving you - admittedly the last one is a huge favour 😊)

[@rob6115]

@Jesse Carson the best thing you can do during the discard is to wail about how you don’t know how you will live without her while packing her bags. It seems to work for everyone 😊

[@marymesk577]

yes because they have had allot of victims they practiced on it's like a movie role for them the more they practice the more natural it becomes . they can even do a whole scene in their dream.

[@crencottrell7849]

It amazes me how narcs can act like victims in conflicts they created when the people THEY created conflict with cause them narcissistic injury 😅

[@painteroflove]

That's a nice simple short way to put it. YES, that's what happens!

[@melissahoffman9433]

They can make us think we are completely crazy. My family of origin is filled with them and their enablers. Histrionic mother and brother I can only love from afar and if I have to interact with them I stay so gray rock while asking a hard question of them. The time in between is growing greater and my peace is awesome.

[@cymbolichuman433]

@@rooftopcat1785 The devil made me do it...

[@fruitascension5089]

@Cren my only sister is exactly like this. It makes me so sad that I can't have a healthy, nourishing relationship with her. I tried so many times, but finally had to go no contact, as it is really crazy-making behavior.

[@EphemeralProductions]

Yep. I saw a perfect example of that just recently, with a couple of women I work with, a mother and daughter who are both MAJOR covert narcs (one of em not so much covert). One of the girls that was working with us called out the mom on her behavior (which as we know, you NEVER should do) and kind of harshly also, and the two ended up in a shouting match. Long story short, her daughter texted me later and one of the things she said was she and her mom have been crying all day, we couldn't believe she could be so mean. *eyeroll*

[@proverbs2522]

Because you’re not supposed to undermine a victim so being a victim comes with an almost guarantee that they won’t get called out as the liars they are

[@christineplaton3048]

Narcissists may be broken individuals, but they sure as hell seek to break everyone around them. Me? Bent. Out. Of. Shape. For sure. Bent, not broken.

[@meow2u22]

Narcissists are hellbent on breaking everyone around them BECAUSE they're broken. They're losers who can't stand seeing anyone else happy because they're trying to lower you to their level.

[@dan4030]

@@meow2u22 Very true, their selfish needs outweight everything else, as long as they get to do what they want to do and you are boxed in tight by their criticism that they have unleashed upon you for years. If you do the things they do then you will be reprimanted and "confronted" with every little thing you do or say, the moment it happens and even years later when it suddenly pops up during a fight or "conversation" about an entirely other issue or subject. They're all hurt little kids that lash out and use their distorted views on you to try and dismiss your worth.

[@desertangelfish140]

Amen to that! It's made me stronger AND closer to God!😇

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Yes

[@teachersusan3730]

It‘s amazing how they always end up the victim even when their lies are found out. A couple of days ago I called out a covert narcissist in front of her harem and other people. It felt so good. I just asked her why she is constantly telling lies. The moment she turned it around and said that I‘m the liar I laughed it off and walked away. She drove away fuming. It felt great. She has been smearing my name for years. I don‘t care because she can‘t hurt me in my business or life. She is just a mean, alcoholic little lady who hasn‘t accomplished anything in her life. Big in gossiping though. Before she drove away she said: You had to say this in front of all those people? Exposure is their greatest fear.

[@ruelpile]

I believe this is the main reason you can't really have a real conversation with them. They think they've been "wronged" and they want the apology or recognition that you deserve... it's why they drive you insane if you need them to understand your perspective. It will never happen.

[@Missybella92227]

Yes!! My ex narc would want me to exaggeratedly “cheerlead” for him. He wanted me to always agree with what he said. YET… he continuously disagreed with me, never wanted to get to know me and would NEVER empathize with me.

[@ruelpile]

@@Missybella92227 It's a horrible feeling! I completely get it. Once I understood their mindset and perspective, it helped me get over that feeling. There is definitely a better life after the narcissist leaves the relationship.

[@briancooley2977]

A former friend of mine, became more and more of a victim the longer I knew him. I eventually realized that it was a manipulative tactic. It's normal to feel sympathy for a victim and people who feel sorry for you are easier to manipulate. Narcissists don't possess empathy but they sure know how to weaponize the empathy of others.

[@randomcrap4230]

This is my mom exactly. She tells her sob stories to literally ANYONE she comes across. Within 10 minutes of meeting someone, she'll start telling them all about her childhood abuse, all about how mean and evil my dad was to her (he wasn't...i was there as a witness. Lol), how bad her health is, etc. It doesn't ever take people super long to figure out what a toxic person my mom is and dip out on her after she flips out on them a few times, but for the little while until they do, they're always super helpful for her, always giving her things because they feel sorry for her, cutting her slack, bending over backwards to help her however they can, etc. I never noticed the pattern until a couple of years ago but she's done it my whole life. She's manipulated people for money, cars, gifts, jobs, not getting fired from jobs she probably should have been fired from, you name it. She has a sugar daddy now that she manipulates on a daily basis with sob stories and victim cards. It's disgusting.

[@dianaschramer5065]

"Insight, growth, and maturity doesn't happen when you're in a chronic blame-and-accusation mode." So. True.

[@_YohAsakura_]

Yep

[@izawaniek2568]

Playing the victim card is a very deceitful strategy that many people fall for and give the narcisists perfect supply. Each individual is responsible for their own life and must accept the fact that life comes with ups and downs and we are built for bearing the burden of our own life with dignity. Thank you for your help and support dr Carter.

[@butterflygirl2285]

As a narcissist ages, and grows old it becomes very unattractive and laughable to see that person cling to the same outdated excuses for why he/she is still a victim.

[@michignamymichigan]

Very Gaslighty.

[@suzesinger6762]

'Bear...one another's burdens, BUT EACH ONE ...SHOULD...carry their OWN LOAD.' -Bible.

[@strugglingmillennial1298]

This makes so much sense, Dr. C. I dated someone who claimed his ex was crazy and I fell for it. After a few dates, I had to take a step back and ask myself why he always made himself to be the victim?! It is an effective tactic to help them avoid accountability.

[@wifferstess2824]

That's what it's all about. He described my ex right to the letter.

[@FionaC1]

My (covert malignant narc)!ex painted out his ex- wife as crazy too - a story that gradually unravelled. I’m not sure I can bring myself to say much nice about *him* now though. Are you able to refer to your narc ex in any positive way??

[@cairosilver2932]

@@FionaC1 IMO you just need to be able to describe yourself as not being perfect and making some mistakes along the way in regards to events, as all people do.

[@BobTheSchipperke]

I finally decided to speak out against the narcissist, malignant narcissist, and flying monkeys. I don't see myself as a victim, but they sure altered my path. I'm forever changed, and don't want people to think I started out that way. They are absolutely dangerous people. No contact is the only way with that level of depravity.

[@catu.808]

This is exactly right. This was a major red flag for me with the man I dated right after divorcing a narc. He would go on and on about his ex and his mom, never acknowledging any part he played in those situations.

[@FritzMeister]

I feel they also cling to being a victim because they can tap into new narcissistic supply with every new person who will be sympathetic to their "plight" when they re-tell their stories of victimization for the 100th time, stories and complaints that no longer garner a reaction from you after years or decades of hearing them on a loop.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Spot on! Dr. C

[@demetriademetriaw9399]

Yes totally!!! Nauseating!

[@annmariekeim7692]

From my family of origin, they would go from raging, vicious villain to acting like a helpless victim. I always thought they were somewhat aware of how horrible they acted. They don't have the awareness and guilt to do that. This always amazed me because this arrogant, entitled person as they usually are, starts acting so helpless.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

You too huh? Two years no contact. Bless

[@christar9527]

Sounds like my crazy mother. Glad I ditched the looney tunes years ago.

[@butterflygirl2285]

i had two narcissists in my family of origin. I am so much happier now that the elder one has passed on. I have gone grey rock with my one sibling, because that person was a millstone around my neck: very needy and always taking. I feel free for the first time in my life.

[@carolnahigian9518]

They go from 'sissy whiney' to raging rants & lists of my Faults SINCE 1960; meet my sibling ( no contact; do not miss him AT ALL)..

[@chyennewhisman7166]

This sounds like someone I used to be friends with

[@Ck-vz4re]

“Judgement”. Oh yes, when I tried to explain how their behavior was affecting me, I got, “Oh, yeah, I’m such a bad guy!”

[@Nerdyone50]

The problem is…now…if they claim to be the victims…then how should the actual victim be heard or believed!?!??

[@cklg88]

They can’t they ruin things for all.

[@mdk0516]

@@cklg88 so how do you make somebody see that the narc is lying and bad example...a manager in a bus...is a covert malignant narc and all the employee's can see that the manager narc causes problems but the owner can't see it too much bc the narc has the owner manipulated. How do you get it thru the owners head abt the manager?

[@meow2u22]

It's classic DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Narcs play the victim card to blame the actual victim of their abuse.

[@painteroflove]

@@meow2u22 Never heard that DARVO - that's a good one!

[@juliechurch1799]

Oklg you won't . Gotta run or give time . Just keep doing you with integrity

[@fitfogey]

8 billion people on earth now lol. Someone said on another video that I’ll never forget. Narcissists always play the hero or the victim - but never the villain.

[@3_m_1_7]

Indeed, if somebody's victimhood implicitly urges you to take action - beware. This is a common strategy for mobilising flying monkeys. A real victim on the other hand asks little else from you than a listening ear and some humanity.

[@bereal6590]

Love your comment, I'm a victim of an accident and all I want is a listening ear empathy and some support and humanity. My narc fam is incapable of all these. You certainly find out how negative the world is when you need humanity. My fam in particular my mom is still the victim regardless. Even when im going through all this she hasn't changed in fact she is worse...... they're incapable of adapting. It's clear these people only want you around when we fulfil their needs primarily of supply to prop up what they want. They still continue to criticise and listening is a skill they never developed

[@laflaca1530]

Ya gotta love this guy. He puts it so succinctly and with compassion.

[@jacquelinejones2676]

I adore Dr C…..

[@donnahilton471]

They don't know how to trust, because they know that they're always trying to use people to their own advantage, so other people must be doing it to them!

[@schofield4836]

You can’t be the bad guy if you’re a victim … others are

[@_YohAsakura_]

There’s “victims” aka the fake abusers that have a “victim mentality and then there are true victims.

[@privatejen3590]

It is easier for these tormented souls to play the victim card than it is to own their own subjectivity. Assigning blame and judging others is the result of not accepting responsibility for their own thoughts, actions, and feelings. They chronically seek to have power over others instead of gaining personal authority over themselves. This disassociation from self is a painful way to seek connection in life.

[@caraosullivan7089]

Excellent explanation. I spent too long on a marriage with a narcissist. This video, along with others, helps me stay firm in my decision to leave. Thank you.

[@kathiorr8314]

I, too, have wasted too many years in a marriage to a narcissist. I didnt realize this is what he was until he retired from his job then promptly had a stroke. He's not completely helpless but he acts like it. He does nothing to try to improve his health issues. He is bitter and resentful and downright hateful towards me. He sees no reason for me to have any kind of life outside our house since he doesn't anymore. He has no hobbies since he can't play golf anymore. No social life which consisted of drinking with his buddies every night at the local tavern. He still goes there with his son or brother occasionally but they bring him home almost immediately bcuz he's become so rude and bitter. He is angry and acts as if he hates me bcuz i didnt have a stroke too. The stress is non-stop and my blood pressure is so high that my doctor has told me i am in danger of having one myself. That or a heart attack. Telling a narcissistic person your problems is a waste of time. My husband cuts me off half way thru my sentence and says he doesn't want to hear about it when he doesn't have a clue what i was going to say. Later on he insists that i kept that info from him on purpose to make him look stupid. Denying it only infuriates him. I won't go out in public with him anymore bcuz he gets extremely impatient with everything and everyone but directs it all at me. I put up with him at home when he starts blaming me every thing he's not happy with. But i will not tolerate him yelling at me like i am a 5 yr old that is too stupid to find his debit card in his wallet for him. Then he drops it on the ground and yells at me for making him rush then barks at me to hurry up and pick it up bcuz I'm holding up the line!" I was so embarrassed that i have refused to take him with me anymore. Then i find out that he has told his family that I am having an affair bcuz i am always gone too long when i leave to run errands. Doesn't matter that i broke my back several months ago trying to lift something too heavy bcuz he can't do stuff like that anymore. Trying to please a narcissist is a waste of time so i have quit doing that but the alternative is putting up with the ridiculous accusations. At first i would be furious and have to do damage control with whichever family members he had already told that i was cheating on him, or that i was lying or hiding something from him, etc, then i reached a point of just not caring anymore - if they want to believe his drivel is fine. In fact, i am just about ready to tell his sons & brother that i need a break to go away for a long weekend so they need to come babysit him! Of course they all would refuse since he has even become rude and hateful to them anymore. I feel like the lowest kind of person when i get excited at the thought of escaping to the grocery store! I guess i lose track of time enjoying the short bit of freedom i have managed to get bcuz he has called the police to report that i am missing! Not just once but twice now lol. When you live in a small town and know just about everyone it is hard not to bump into a friend or neighbor that you need to stop and visit for a moment. The first time i heard my name coming from the store's paging system i couldnt imagine what was going on when i saw two officers standing by the checkstand. I thought he had another stroke and called 911 or something or maybe one of the kids had been in an accident but when they assured me everyone was fine and that they were just following up on his missing persons call i was furious. After apologizing for wasting their time i went straight home and threatened to take his phone with me the next time! I don't understand why a narcissist who thinks only of himself would need to know where you are every minute your not there for them to tell you to get away, your bothering them! Grrrrr!

[@jackierobinson8785]

My elderly narc has a grocery list of real and imagined health issues especially if its to compete with his wife's cancer. But he refuses to retire because at our age death is claiming too many of his emotional hostages he has seduced over the years. Playing victim is life for him with how well he has crafted me as the all but bed ridden witch. And with how well so many buy into it I start to think it myself. Thank you for your sincere and heart felt reality check. It gives me the strength to take another 24 of this "till death do we part."

[@d.h.fremont3027]

Me, too. A very difficult decision after many years with a narc.

[@jackierobinson8785]

@@d.h.fremont3027 If I were to leave if not crawl away it would be with the shirt on my back. And that would be evidence of all the narc's campaigning over the years that I was the cold and withholding wife. You can't win when it comes to the end when your kids want you to die first. That's when I shake the dust off my shoes and release all concerned to God's fate. We all have seemingly unwinnable choices to make. And this is mine...

[@d.h.fremont3027]

@@jackierobinson8785 so sorry.

[@lupealar2507]

When you love people you want them to live happy and independent... You do not want to control Them and step all over them

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You make sense, plain and simple. Dr. C

[@mathie2037]

- They fear judgment. They see discussion to improve harmony is a form of castigation and they feel their character is in question. It is so exhausting being the “villain”. Thrive Team Healthy!!! Thank you Dr C.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're most welcome. Dr. C

[@iononcantomascrivo]

I believe narcissism all comes from a varying degree of codependency. They need people around to give them value whether it's to dominate or because they simply need someone there so they aren't left in their troubled minds realizing what a miserable husk of a person they are. It's quite sobering once you realize that the narcissist is the one who is sick and damaged, not you

[@tlhildebrandt]

Your videos have been instrumental in recovering from past abuse from a narcissistic partner. I would not be here today without supportive people and insights like yours

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

Playing victim allows them to self justify their abusive behaviors. It also reinforces their refusal to take any responsibility for their behavior choices. It's SO easy for them to label anyone else the bad guy.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Correct. Dr. C

[@christar9527]

How do they brainwash so many other people? I don’t get that.

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

@@christar9527 They lie, and other people believe them because they don't bother to question what they're told or get the other side of the story.

[@cor-cd8dt]

The catch-22 for a narcissist to start divulging their flaws, is that they have lived so long without accountability that they may have accrued a history of behaviors that will genuinely turn others off when they learn more of the narcissists past or current actions.

[@desertangelfish140]

Right on! My ex Narc let all his skeletons out of the closet like it was Halloween. The things he told me got my back up, things I wish I'd never heard.

[@alfonsobejarano4531]

The poor harm little puppy, big flag #1. Sinisters.

[@fruitascension5089]

"Insight, growth, and maturity doesn't happen when you're in a chronic blame" pattern. I love this. Growth, and maturity requires looking within ourselves, not shifting the blame and thus responsibility onto the others who we have relationships with. Now I understand more about why my mother never grew into true maturity, and why I had to walk away in order to personally grow in intellectual and emotional maturity. I'm very thankful that now I understand the phenomenon of narcissism. Thank you Dr C.

[@elgallosabio4364]

He described my mother perfectly. After 5 decades of going crazy trying to develop a relationship, I have come to realize she created a path that she cannot/will not leave. She is too comfortable being miserable to find peace. She focuses on pain and misery. I feel sorry for her. I wish I understood this decades ago.

[@_YohAsakura_]

The “victim” commits crimes daily, federal felonies, and then say, they’re “victims” while committing more crimes.

[@christineplaton3048]

Dr Carter, the greatest area of need, in my frustrated opinion, is for children to learn to identify the perpetrator and victim, due to parental alienation. We need to heal parent child relationships. Blind adults need to understand triangulation...father or mother narcissist and sibling narcissists controlling and victimizing others in family. Huge area of concerns as well as the divorce proceedings being contorted to the benefit of abuser.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so accurate. Dr. C

[@christineplaton3048]

I spent half my life with two men that mopped the floor with me. " You're not a doormat", said the priest. YES, I WAS!!! And the paternalistic religion permitted and justified his actions. There were biblical passages that were distorted to his ways of righteous thinking. Would you be interested in a book where you are asked questions, to which you reply? Dr. Carter Replies: Open your Eyes. Dear Dr Carter, Why do my children think I create the problems in our family? I'm a peacemaker, but my spouse keeps pressing me into angry outbursts to try to make him stop. He's an instigator.

[@jasonsneeden5934]

Parental alienation is a monster. I'm sorry you are having to endure this experience. Blessings and rewards are coming soon.

[@nancysayad9960]

Well said 👌👌

[@alastairwest5200]

"I'm okay, you're NOT okay." - the very essence of Paranoia... 🙂😎

[@dan4030]

They LOVE to point out your "flaws" as they believe they can judge you on your looks, intelligence, demeanor, actions, the way you talk, what motivates you, what doesn't motivates you, your friends, your social life, your hobby's, the food you eat the liquids you drink, the products you use, when you use them, it will always be "corrected". I love you, for the person that you are. Don't ever let that be taken away by them.

[@margochanning6868]

I find when I self-examine, and am honest about all my flaws, mistakes and sins, I have a lot of comedy gold, as well as a lot to reflect on, and see how flawed, fallible and finite all humans are, and I am one that can stake a strong claim of being a flawed, fallible and finite human. Only in truth and love, can humans genuinely relate to one another.

[@harleyanne3720]

Oh wow! That says it all! Thank you!

[@chyennewhisman7166]

You are absolutely right and I have a lot of flaws too

[@mdk0516]

These videos have helped me alot. I know and have to be around a covert malignant narc. And these have helped me understand and helping me deal with one.

[@melissadykstra5921]

“ insatiable need to be in the superior position”. I think that defines narcissism!!!

[@silentfriend369]

When I tried to have discussion with my ex about something they did that bothered me, they turned it into a fight no matter how hard I tried to stop it from happening. They'd bring me to tears at times and then tell me to stop crying, or they'd say, "I know what you're doing!!".... Implying my feelings were put on. I'm traumatized. I have barely been able to cope through my PTSD. I just can't keep from being pulled in to their delusional world. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why I fall for it every time. I don't know how to protect myself.

[@caraosullivan7089]

Oh gosh that would happen to me as well. We deserve better

[@cymbolichuman433]

It's called "hardening your heart". You will get sick of them and that will help you.

[@mariaponnudurai9778]

This was happening to me the last 45 yrs of marriage. I pray a lot. I have been sick because of this man! After watching dr. Carter’s advice. Started to ignore him and made boundaries. It seems to help. I cannot leave because he has all the finances. Besides it’s too late. You can make boundaries and stick to it. That will drive them nuts. They will try to play nice but don’t give in. I wish I had this advice from someone years ago. Don’t answer them more than a yes or no. Don’t try to explain yourself. If you try they will hook you int an argument. From today I will pray for all the narcissist victims who are suffering like us. Place more trust in God. If you can leave leave him. I hope this helps. May God bless you.

[@catu.808]

It takes a long time, be gentle with yourself. I got involved with a narc at 19, married at 20. Now almost 20 years later I'm still healing, but boy have I come a long way. I am so much more aware of myself and of red flags with others. It's a long journey, but you have what it takes to make it through. You've got this. (Also seek help/guidance/support, no need to go it alone.)

[@pdxkari]

No contact is the nest way for me.

[@khaartoumsings]

It is true that we cannot imagine them looking within themselves. Everything is externalised when you mention it. The blaming, shaming, scapegoating and addictions to distract like shopping....Thanks for this. It is such a complex jigsaw to put together and it has been around us forever in plain sight! ; ) K

[@tallguy8937]

These videos sure make me reflect on my relationship with my parents as a child and as an adult for decades. I can’t believe I fell for it for so long. Everyone else, even to this day, has ruined their lives. I have never heard either of them say “I’m sorry” cuz neither ever has done anything wrong. I feel a lot of anger for being duped with the horrid behavior I thought was normal. Most everything that comes outta their mouths is “oh, woe is me.” They do it to themselves. They complain about everyone and everything and how they’ve been done wrong. It WAS so exhausting. It was all anger, no love, and no compassion, Just do what I want, when I want it, and how I want it, or I’ll punish you. Even told as a child they’d give me away if I didn’t follow their stupid narcissistic, self centered, program. Guess it worked cuz I used to be so scared of them 😭😭😭

[@christar9527]

Are you related to the Liquori family from Syracuse, NY? That’s my parents in a nutshell.

[@gertrudewest4535]

Are we related?

[@kathiorr8314]

Were both of them narcissistic? If so, i wonder how they managed to keep their marriage intact? I don't know much on narcissistic parent - child relationships i admit, sounds horrifying and I'm sorry those are the childhood memories you have. In a perfect world every child would feel loved, safe and cherished. I have only recently come to realize that the man i have been married to for 27 years is a narcissist. He has always been selfish and controlling but i have a very strong personality and refuse to let him dominate me. To keep the peace i would just let stuff slide, pick & choose my battles for the sake of the family. He retired about 7 yrs ago then promptly had a stroke. We had separated shortly before these events occured and his brother and sons (4 of them) talked me into coming back to him. They tricked me by telling me how much he regretted letting me go and how much he needed me, etc. Etc. Really it was so they didnt have the burden of caring for him themselves. I came back but moved into the spare room and tried to establish some boundaries (it helped some) but i still feel like a captive prisoner most of the time. But his narcissistic tendencies are becoming so blatant i cant ignore it anymore. He yells at me constantly, criticizing almost everything i do for him which is everything these days. I try to make him do for himself but he refuses to do anything to help himself get better. He makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave him again. He acts like he isnt going to live much longer so i tell myself i can stay it out but thats not fair to me either. I broke my lower back a few months ago and need surgery but he throws a fit saying i only want surgery so i can lay in bed being lazy. I feel exhausted and trapped. I know i need to leave him. I don't want to give up whats left of my own life being miserable with a man who is incapable of giving me whatever i need to be happy but expects me to continue doing that for him. Ive lived the last 7 years of my life as if it is on hold. On hold until he dies so i can get on with what5 left of mine. That makes me feel like i am an awful person but how much more do i need to sacrifice of myself when i know there is never going to be any rewards or gratitude shown for it. No, there's no big life insurance policy. No money left to even start over. The VA will cover the burial expenses. His old pickup truck (which is our only transportation) has been left to his youngest son already. His son drives a Mercedes and owns his own business which has several work vans. I dont begrudge his son wanting to keep it for sentimental reasons even though that will leave me with no transportation. I was just saying that I'm not waiting for some big chunk of money that would somehow make all these years I've wasted seem worth it. I apologize for rambling on about my own life story about narcissistic people we loved. I know i feel cheated out of more than i can even imagine so i cannot begin to know how you feel about that with your parents. I hope you find whatever you need to be happy and i hope life treats you well for the rest of your days bcuz you deserve it.

[@LittleTaiChiMermaid]

@@kathiorr8314 oh hon. Leave him. There's nothing there for you. Get a job, (employers are begging for help) and start YOUR life. Find a situation where you can walk or bus to work until you can buy a car. Channel the energy and effort it takes to care for this nasty man and channel it towards yourself. Life is too wonderful and too short to spend even one more day in this mess. His children will just have to care for him.

[@tallguy8937]

@@kathiorr8314 they divorced a long time ago. Then, and even now, we were to pick a side. Hate the other one and give loyalty to one or the other. Never heard a good word about 1/2 of my dna from one or the other. Neither one moved on and let it go. You guessed it, it was all the other ones fault and one was the victim depending on which one you spoke to. Had to have two of everything, like birthday parties, or they’d throw a fit they had to be around each other. It’s so messed up. I went no contact and moved to another state. My family is torn to pieces. No one talks because of the constant venom being spewed.

[@pattyrooney1323]

Living in that kind of chaotic environment is hell! I moved 2,500 miles away from them.

[@niaselah3348]

I find it interesting and at the same time disturbing that there is a tendency to invert roles and promote compassion and understanding for the abuser and blame for the victim. Being a victim and playing victim are also confused. The abuser is actually the one with victim mentality ( Look what you made me do, It is your fault,...) I think there is a need for content like this that helps to identify the differences

[@williedreamer6882]

Well said.

[@niaselah3348]

@@beyourself9162 Every situation is unique as each individual is. In some cases it can be dynamic yes but not in others. Something that happens is that when we are exposed to abuse for a long time and specially in formative years, we internalize the voice of abuse and treat ourselves the way we are treated. It is a coping skill . We attack ourselves first as a way to prevent the external person to attack us. It is obviously maladaptive but it is not that the person is an abuser, it is the internalization of the abuse they are enduring. I don't know you and like I said each situation is unique but having dysfunctional ways does not make you an abuser. How you respond to the situation makes the difference. Abusers only want their way. They don't care about the other person. Healthy people of course want their way but not at the expense of the other person. They understand that each person only wins if they both win. Abusers don't get this

[@niaselah3348]

@@beyourself9162 Sure, I don't agree with labelling people in a limiting way like it is all they are or could be. There are scenarios where the roles are dynamic and there are others where there is someone being victimized by someone who is abusing that person. That doesn't mean the abuser in that situation is not a victim in another context or the one victimized not being abusive in other situation either. Labels are helpful to identify where the line was crossed and needed as abuse cannot continue to be normalized. If someone uses labels to reduce an individual to a role that person is in the wrong

[@williedreamer6882]

Once again, Dr C has succinctly analyzed the narcissistic mentality. Here’s an experience to illustrate. For all her life, my wife, an only child, has suffered at the hands of her mother. When we married, we both suffered as a couple. Once, we were at a wedding for a family my mother-in-law adores, because they adore her. She always shows them her good persona, never her behind-closed-doors persona. Toward the end of the reception, an intoxicated man, who earlier had been flirting with her, came to our table and made a vulgar remark toward her, and I told him to move along. She had a meltdown. Guess I had cut off a narcissistic supply that she was enjoying. Right in the middle of the reception she began screaming and screaming and could not control herself. The father and sister of the bride (her nephew and great-niece) tried to calm her but she could not stop herself. It went on for about 10 minutes. While at first she enjoyed the fawning attention, at one point, she must have realized that she had shown a side of herself in public to her nephew’s family, who adored her, that she only before showed in private to us. And so the blame game began (sustaining the false self): “You have to understand, this is not me. It’s HIM (pointing at me). HE brings this on me. Ever since HE married her.” (Must have a villain.) As if I have an app on my smart phone that controls her behavior. At one point, she clenched both fists and shook them in the air, screaming, “I don’t think like YOU!!!” Whatever that’s supposed to mean. So began Operation Victimhood - years of damage control to protect the narrative that my wife and I were the cause of her very public spectacle that showed her in a negative light, and that we are her “victimizers.” “I can’t be around HIM. He’ll cause me to have a heart attack. I have to protect myself.” The verbally and emotionally abusive narcissist, who has tortured her only child all her life, and the two of us all our marriage, and is now going after her grandchildren because they’ve seen how she is behind close doors and no longer look at her with childlike awe, is working in overdrive assassinating our character in order to reconstruct her image as the fragile, wounded martyr. And this experience is just the tip of the iceberg of what goes on in private.

[@harleyquinn5774]

This is a good reason to get a PTSD diagnosis from a qualified mental health professional. Court judges will listen to that.

[@maritzavazquez190]

Unfortunately, my mom and my sister are together in this. I’m the oldest and it seems like I still making their lives miserable, even though they didn’t want to know anything about me or my daughter (only granddaughter for my mom), it’s almost 8 yrs they rejected us, I understood their message. We live 6 hrs away from they in another state, but it seems like we “still making their lives so miserable”, because of a calling my sister did to my daughter.....oh Lord God have Mercy!!!!. And all my life I felt so guilty for EVERYTHING my mom and my sister blamed me for! Even being borne and being loved by my father.... Narcissist knows how to “play their own game” in trying so hard making other people to feel “they are always the bad guys in the world!”....

[@heathermixson1265]

I listened to this "If you think I'm soooooooo bad, then why are you with me" MESS for YEARS......and I would argue that I don't say YOU are bad, but how you act certainly can be more than necessary....until one day when that came out of the narcs mouth, I simply replied, "Well, if you think you're so GREAT, then why didn't someone from your neck of the woods grab you up before I came from 568 miles away?" I don't get asked that question anymore.....🤷‍♀️

[@barbarawolfsong6967]

These videos have helped me bring my blood pressure down . . . feel a little better and a little less confused regarding some relationships I've had over the years. I guess I"m finally learning that I am not responsible for every unhappiness certain people have blamed on me. I think I always thought I should be able to fix everything . .. but didn't know how . . especially regarding my parents. . . and a recent one. Thank you!

[@thecarpenter2599]

The boy that cried wolf. When they have a real problem, no one will help. Henny Penny and the sky is falling.

[@JenniferBasuel]

It was so hard to get past this because when my ex was the "victim," it made it difficult to voice my needs because they seemed invalid. It was confusing because he would use all this terminology that I now hear on so many youtube videos about narcissism. I was amazed at the time of his seemingly "deep" behavioral language and how self-aware he was and I felt like a bug next to his spiritual intellect and then I realized I felt like a bug because he was always doing all the things to me that he claimed I did to him, aka criticizing me and putting me down, even though he'd always follow up with how great I was etc. I was always unbalanced. When that victim status is played well, it is so dangerous. If he hadn't started getting physically abusive (throwing things and punching and breaking my things) and been caught flat-out lying (obvious wrong behavior) I might have convinced myself still that I was the one lacking in self-awareness.

[@cymbolichuman433]

That alone should make you realize that you got it going on...not him! I believe they call that "word salad" and it's favors gas lighting.

[@JenniferBasuel]

@@cymbolichuman433 yes! word salad 😂 I would just sit there unable to respond because I didn't know what was happening!

[@PyrPupMom]

Wow, so similar to my story too!! Tried to set a boundary of "I will not respond to you when you call me names that begin with "f." That did not work. I left.

[@sandrathomson7288]

Wow- this is my mother!! No capacity for self reflection, she sees me as a monster, and has carved out a monster shaped hole that she constantly tries to fit me into.

[@lab4389]

The projection was so horrible. He would project so much onto me that wasn’t even true! I finally realized that he was incapable of seeing me- only his projection of me. So happy I’m out of that insanity.

[@oscarwilliamson1128]

LAB,You look beautiful 😍,You don’t need a narcissist in your life….

[@teresasoler9539]

Thank you for explaining! I watch your videos and move towards a better me. My mother will never be in control of me anymore. I am 55 and have just found out that she is a covert narcissist… wow. So many feelings: I feel deceived, betrayed and I am angry. But there is also also a deep sorrow, in a way I lost my mum.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hey Teresa. It's not unusual at all to discover these matters deep into your middle adult years. Experience teaches. I'm glad to be with you on your path of discovery. Stay strong. Dr. C

[@Leafygreen123]

I, too, learned later in life (54) that my father is covert narcissist. I completely identify with the feelings you wrote in your comment, the betrayal by a parent, the anger, the bone deep and seemingly ever-present sorrow. I am left grieving the loss of both my parents (as he is no longer allowing her to have contact with me), it is like grieving their death even though they are still alive. Sending a hug your way!

[@tallguy8937]

Good luck. I’m also that age. I feel so icky I allowed it for so long, but I didn’t know. I hope you have better days ahead 😎

[@christar9527]

I learned this at 59. There are many people who didn’t know about narcissism till they were in their 50’s.

[@Leafygreen123]

@@christar9527 I wish it had become clear to me sooner. But, sadly, you can’t know what you don’t know! This channel has been a true help and I am so very grateful.

[@MoonLight-gm6zm]

True! Narcissists always have to be "better than" others and to have a villain on the outside, who they can then conveniently blame for anything going wrong for them. This allows them to never question themselves or their accountability, and see themselves as good and virtuous people despite all the narcissistic abuse they subject others to. ☠

[@lovearttherapyalways]

I am a service worker in a residence with 120 people and I come across this entitled behaviour from about a good dozen of them... despite my best intentions and service I get a few false accusations from those victim mind set narcissists who make my life miserable some days and they seem to always strike when my work load is tremendously high. Whenever I have tried to set boundaries with some they turned around and made complaints and false accusations to my boss in order to really slam me, harm me and get rid of me but it never works because they are such liars and slanderous which somehow shows through eventually. I am so looking forward to my retirement. These people are drainers. They are impossible to reason with. Thanks for all your videos! God bless you!

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

Bottom line - they want to be so superior to folks & deep down they know they’re not & really just an average person like all of us & that blows their mind ! So when they meet a person that is confident, self love, focused, authentic & has their life together - they go victim mode because they know they are no match !!! Period !

[@suzesinger6762]

What 'cracks me up' ...is the fact that they SEE your successes...and witness your experiences - but cannot grasp that they could have the SAME !?!? They actually have you on a pedestal...while they keep feeling sorry for themselves. They camp out in the P.L.M. Club ( Poor Little Me ) .....so you can ..stay on your pedestal...waAAAY abOVE them. ;)

[@malindaallen718]

How about the person who is constantly saying the opposite: can't do anything, not smart, can't change anything, helpless and hopeless. Still demanding: attention, pity, encouragement, praise, help.

[@Jummy938]

Oh yes my brother is paranoid, controlling, no smapathy, couldn't keep a cat, bully, bossy, controls his neighbors. When he tried to get pushy with me I drew the line. Told him I knew he was playing games

[@MJ-qb5ph]

What was his reaction? I’m now two years no contact with sibling family. Tried everything first. Nothing worked

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

The narcissist doesn’t understand you practicing self love because he/she thinks love is meant to be given to just one person. If you’re practicing self love, the narcissist doesn’t see how you can do that AND love them as well. You’re supposed to love the narcissist and that means (in their mind) there’s no way you can have enough love for anyone else (including self) but them. On the other hand, the narcissist will claim everything they do, they do “for you” or for the sake of others while always somehow coming out of what they do as though they’re such a gift to humanity and therefore deserve to be treated as so. When they don’t get that special treatment… in walks mr. or mrs. victim. Their crazy cycles never end.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You get it, Kelly. Dr. C

[@lifewithapurpose237]

Yes, reminds me of how mine acted like 'LOVE' would " *run out* " if i showed any love towards *our* children or did any acts of love towards them. He seemed to recent the amt of time that i would spend with them. He has been telling me our children are on *autopilot* since they were *lit'l*

[@KoolT]

Oh thank you so much. I have finally studied this enough that I can spot them now. The world is full of them. They are the unthankful

[@barbarahering1310]

I had had enough of it and one day I said you can be pitiful or powerful choose one! Stopped that victim mode!

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Me: “I’m not your enemy.” The narcissist: “I never said you’re my enemy. I just think you’re against me.” Me: head in hand- again

[@Dolly1825]

This is how the narcissist's logics works. I have another similar example: Me:" Stop playing dumb with me." The narcissist: "Are you calling me a dumb? What if I told you're an idiot?"

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

@@Dolly1825 yes! I’ve even tried the nice version… “i know you are smart enough to figure this out,” and i get the exact same response you listed. Nothing works.

[@SrnDpT-ti1xs]

O.M.G. I said that to him repeatedly near the end. Seeing so many people who say and feel the same has been unbelievably reassuring. Thank you!

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

@@SrnDpT-ti1xs keep moving forward! Glad to be on team healthy with you

[@nicolefiocco4516]

They parse words like this ALL the time and then accuse you of nitpicking.

[@wayneelliott1180]

They really are externalised. Incapable of self awareness, will run screaming from it when presented to them. Our narc mother would never look at the foundations of the problem, always just painted the building to fool everyone else while blaming us for having to go to the trouble.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So accurate. Dr. C

[@k.silberberg5137]

„Complexity confuses them greatly.“ 👍

[@Lightswitch505newchannel]

Amen! You have the best ways of explaining what I and we are experiencing. This component of the narcissistic personality perplexed me for so long. It's deeply psychological and therefore hard to pin down. It was infuriating and lead me to believe I was actually causing them harm, when I knew deep down it was the other way around. Every story they tell has some sort of "I'm a victim" mentality, and being around that negativity, in my mind, is part of the emotional hurt they cause. It' s deep rotted in being unable to take any sort of normal amount of criticism, and then they become defensive on steroids. It's a web of continual denial and lack of sensitivity towards another's needs.

[@gardenjoy5223]

Pathological is the word you were looking for, I guess. Yes, this is the way it is. "defensive on steroids" is very well spoken.

[@annettekeep6855]

“Complexity scares them greatly”-this caught my attention. Is it due to the fact that they lack this in themselves? An identity? Hence needing to mirror another? And seeing “complexity” in another is hard to control,OUT of their control,would produce in them a great deal of fear,as they cannot understand or interact with it unless it’s conformed by them into something that’s “controllable” and not “complex”.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

There is an older video of mine that gets into that topic, 4 Issues That Drive Narcissists Crazy. It's one of my favorites. Dr. C

[@Dee-mj3pu]

Narc never would talk about (recognize) our differences except where I wasn't enough like them!

[@sharipeterson1126]

They totally enjoy the attention they receive when they make up things about us to get people to feel sorry for them. But we're not the ones cheating, yelling, threatening them with a gun, etc. But they use what they do and pretend WE do what they actually did. How odd they get satisfaction from people being horrified at their behavior which they accuse us of. Too bad they can't feel shame.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I've heard variations to this story, Shari. I'm amazed how they can lie so easily. Dr. C

[@davidwilfong5820]

Former friend always goes in to victim mode like a broken record it seems that he tries to validate his story over and over for him self

[@isabelstukator2032]

Great point about the judgements. They’re terrified of being judged and that fear makes them very defensive. It’s not possible to have a rational conversation with them.

[@christar9527]

I was thinking about the one who called herself my mother and how she was not a rational thinker at all and found any ridiculous reason to blame me for something. She was very superficial in general. Everything was about appearances and it didn’t cross her mind that you need to look at how something, more likely someone, is functioning. These people lack depth. I find it easier to look into what’s really happening in a person because understanding causes relationships to go more smoothly. Therefore I feel better. The narcissist is stuck in a rut it seems and they don’t want to dig themselves out of it. The super paranoid aspect still confuses me. She was a extremely paranoid as well. Then I saw this video. I have to listen to it again.

[@darknessfierce4209]

This is the eye-opening, just coming from a different background or making a different choice not even involving the other party you are automatically an enemy… such a position of weakness for them to start from to allow someone else to drain them or fill them

[@janicewimsatt4484]

Wish I knew about this 20 years ago. This would have helped me. Tells me he loves me, and I never felt loved. My lawyer said is was parental alienation. He turned my children against me. Wrote horrible letters to all my network. The result, I had to prove myself.

[@cymbolichuman433]

I don't get it either. You only have to prove whatever to yourself! Screw everybody! They don't pay your bills! Kids will eventually get a clue.

[@janicewimsatt4484]

They did, all of them.

[@Donita1213]

I'm seeing this and I'm going through all of this right now with a family member. Everybody's enabling bad and selfish behavior. And I've decided I'm not doing it anymore. I'm just waiting to see what the fallout is going to be.

[@Hello_Ladies]

Narcissist need supply. I've been staying away, and couldn't be happier

[@sharontalley2155]

I told the narcissist that she isn't the victim...i am. She said "What did you say?" I said "you heard me. I said you're not the victim. I am." She started to laugh loudly, laughing like a crazy person. I walked out. I know she's still thinking about my remark trying to figure it out. She and i know that she has turned my whole family against me with her lies.

[@TS-pk9sw]

I know someone like this. I even got blamed for decisions they made.

[@elizasmith5201]

They only see things one way. That is their way. You can't live without them in their mind. In the end you are better off without them

[@cymbolichuman433]

I got all burning pissed off at him for him accusing me of stealing his hopes and dreams. It's pointless to argue that this person should be kissing my feet for all the help I gave him through the years. I helped him see some dreams come true. All because I said "no, I won't (&%#@)".

[@katieok9639]

This was, hands down, one of the most helpful videos for helping me untangle years of "life experience"--Thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased! Dr. C

[@monikamikolajczak1902]

Thank you! You are saving my life. I am 49 years old but only now I have learnt that my mum is a Narcissist. I knew for years she was an alcoholic using brutal physical violence against my dad. She was diagnosed with dipolar depression but never looked for therapy. She played a loving mum for years while in fact controlling my life to her advantage. When I realised it and tried to live my own life our relationship became impossible. She played the victim, blame, shame and manipulation games, used my dad illness of cancer and my cancer history as weapons. And it is hard. I have been recently diagnosed with a breast cancer and I have to care of myself. It is painful and long process to survive abuse of narcisist mother.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning, Monika.

[@Lemana28021989]

I just wonder: my narc (and my daughter's father) absolutely engages in the "cooperative victim" role while the counsellors present and as I stay critical and woke, I am "the one that's stuck in the past, we need to look into the future and let the past be the past". And thus, my poor little one will be exposed to his behaviour snd sucked into his downward spiral, because I am not listened to and constantly challenged to think about my perceptions as "it also could be seen this way, don't you think" (o-tone of the counsellor).

[@tedschmitt178]

Dr. C, once again it’s like you were a fly on the wall during my 31-year marriage to an extremely narcissistic woman.

[@snowbear1877]

I feel we live in a world where the strong dominate the weak. It happens in families, corporations, voluntary groups, friendship groups, among the nations, in politics, and everywhere you have people. There's always a pecking order. In any relationship there's always one who is more powerful than another. I suppose when it's really unbalanced that's when it gets pathological.

[@martinmargerrison2300]

Greetings from chilly Slovenia Dr C. Over 2 years no contact with Tarzan now and working well. Making Borscht here and I'm a white heterosexual Englishman. Load social torpedoes. Keep on rockin'

[@evamz9584]

I dreaded being at my husband's family's house for Thanksgiving this year. With most of his family that stopped responding to my texts. Then I realized it was bc of the smear campaign my mil has been on since I married her beloved boyfriend, I mean son. Nobody looks at me in my eyes and force interest and conversation so I'm the villain. And she is the victim, consoled by her flying monkey's. I wasn't even personally invited. They ask my husband to come and bring our kids.. I do my best to keep our kids away and im always there if we do come around. My mil especially likes to undermine us as parents by giving our kids things that we ask her not to give and say yes to our kids when we say no. The worse part is that these people ARE literal babies you cannot have a fruitful conversation with them it is an absolute waste of your breathe..

[@skinnyway]

every sob story you hear from a narc makes them the victim. my child's sperm donor went crying to my parents that he had to pay child support. if they can get every person in your circle against you they will. serious about being able to have open season on them... everybody in their childhood hurt them so now they are just gonna hurt anyone else they can since they cant make the person who hurt them be accountable. serious issues with all of them.

[@cymbolichuman433]

What a pill! God... Hope the kid doesn't mirror his behavior...

[@sawdustadikt979]

This is so interesting, I thought of several things to ad to this conversation. I get sucked into this situation where I have found, in conversation with someone that is, along the lines of”down on their luck” and I give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe I’m meeting them at a low point. I attempt to share my similar experiences and empathize and confirm that what they are going through SUCKS. Then I make another mistake of sharing my growth thought processes of what’s not working, how I’m not seeing the big problem, what can I do better,what do I need to letgo of and or modify my behavior and perspective. Then I see the person double down on the victimhood, or posture on my foolish simpleton ways as they turn their nose up. It’s a bummer cause I’d like to believe that people could use some encouragement or confirmation that they can do it. Life can be really hard when your facing it as straight on as you can.

[@Joelswinger34]

Oh yes, and it adds yet another layer of destruction and frustration! Nothing about them is fair or makes sense.

[@snowbear1877]

People have accused me of having a victim mentality. I know I'm no narcissist. I think that if you were raised by a narcissist it leads to low self-esteem. Others pick up on that and you have a rough time in the world. Anyone agree/disagree?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I agree. It indicates you have work to do in the self esteem category, but yes, they did a brainwashing job on you. Check out my video about recovering your self worth after leaving a narcissist. It's one of my favorites. Dr. C

[@snowbear1877]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Dr C

[@rob6115]

My wife tries to bring up objections to the way her birth family traumatises her to which they fly into a rage, raise their long list of minuscule or pretend victim-hoods then triangulate their nastiness. I keep trying to advise her that she argues for an agreed end to pain, they argue because they delight in inflicting pain. Pop another crazy pill and once more around the gold fish bowl.

[@gardenjoy5223]

Try to go to a therapist together. You there to support her. She needs to be validated, after being kicked down constantly. And you better get her out of that horrid, abusive environment! If need be, go live far away and start all over. Don't give any contact information whatsoever. Stay away from Facebook and the likes.

[@rob6115]

@@gardenjoy5223 thanks. I’m slowly moving towards all those things. Moving to the other side of the city as first step. Trying for counselling too. It’s a work in progress. Her family is making it a lot easier for me. I can always rely on them being revolting

[@gardenjoy5223]

@@rob6115 Hi, have you moved yet? For to the other side of the city is really not far. She has to get out of the city. Don't stand by and see her destroyed one shred at the time. Would you move to the other side of the town, when a daughter had been raped? That wouldn't be enough either. That 'family' is raping your wife in her thoughts and feeling continually. It's much worse for her than you can see. Make sure you find a counselor, who is trained in this and not new to this subject. Your wife is slowly drowned before your very eyes. Don't go about this slowly or you'll be just part of the problem and not of the solution. Take the necessary steps, not the most convenient ones. And make haste.

[@rob6115]

@@gardenjoy5223 small steps. She’s not ready for the big move yet. Our whole family suffered at their hands and the kids and I have slammed the door on the in-laws. Their egos are badly wounded so they are unrelentingly cruel to the only family member that will pick up the phone. It’s a slow decay of attachments following no contact

[@gardenjoy5223]

@@rob6115 Man, that must be so hard for you all. Hope things will turn out better soon!

[@exofnarccop]

He tells me I'm paranoid . But , I'm not. I am only going on his patters.

[@michaelmallal9101]

Victimhood is powerful.

[@twopurringcats]

My parents are in their 80's and never, ever learned better behaviors. They did try going to therapy due to being distressed about what others did to them (they're chronic victims), but in the end therapists pointed out the truth..that the world is full of others who have different belief systems than they do. They cannot grasp this concept st all. How dare others not bow to their needs and agendas? The older they get, the more reality hits them that the world doesn't revolve around them, their wants and needs. And if they get nasty with people, they get snubbed. All the bravado and arrogance in youth has been replaced with fear and anger. I had to let go for my safety. They got so aggressive and hostile towards me over my boundaries but I wouldn't be bullied or controlled. And it was hurting my health physically (as well as mentally). They can play victims all they want..I'm done and in therapy to work on healing deep scars. They have low self awareness and don't care if they hurt me..at all. It's all about them in their minds, and like small children, they throw fits when they don't get their way. Peace feels good. I love it and will never go back. They call sometimes but it's only to see if there's a way to use me, find out they can't and then they lose interest and go away again. I'm the one who got hurt and have spent my life struggling to heal. I feel nothing anymore because it's all the same. They cannot love and resent me. Walking away was the answer and I don't regret it.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

There is a video about a narcissist's absence of love, A New Way Of Defining Narcissism. It's one of my favorites. Your situation is so sad. Dr, C

[@Razainthewoods]

This is one of my favorite videos of yours. This helps me so much! I blamed myself for so long. My narcissist was told he was a narcissist by his first wife….unfortunately he used that to study everything about narcissism and then used that knowledge to project and call me one…I gave and gave and gave to prove I was a good person….he cheated on me and left after 8 years.

[@amothergoddess2774]

ITS NOT THAT THEY DON'T KNOW HOW, THEY DON'T WANT TO MORE LIKE IT, THEY DON'T WANT TO LEARN ANYTHING FROM ANYBODY BUT THEMSELVES, THEY KNOW EVERYTHING REMEMBER!

[@lifewithapurpose237]

Anger : Accusation : Blame 1:10 *defining features* ...they are broken individuals (dysfunctional patterns: attitude of entitlement, need to have control over you {implies paranoia}, they don't trust at all, insatiable need to be superior over you, highly manipulative, low levels of empathy, undertow of anger & criticism, pathogical defensiveness ...can not penetrate those walls they created. 4:06 they are all about erecting and sustaining a false self. 4:13 ...those idiots surrounding me...I am a victim of *'their' disfunction* ...is the grand denial they operate with. 5:00 ...stuck in a *very child like* way of engaging with the 🌎 . complexity *confuses them greatly* 5:47 *KEY 🔑 things to UNDERSTAND* that cause them to *cling* to *victim identity* ... must appear *ideal* ... 7:00 they presume inevitable judgment... they have a fundamental pessimism about the nature of 'love & connection & goodness' 8:34... think of themselves as a unique misunderstood person...becomes their sense of significance. 9:00 ...as a 'victim' they *must have a 'villain'* . 9:32 *IMPORTANT TO KNOW ...* 9:49 ...they are way too caught up in...don't try to force understanding and insight on a person ' *committed to a victim status* ' ... 12:42 ...able to *live in peace* with who you are and with the world around...🧸

[@danielkaiser8971]

It all sounds like the narcissist is metaphorically playing chess, using every possible strategy to stay on top of the game. And you don't even realize you are the opponent, unless you are educated on narcissism.

[@teresavida2194]

Dr. you are a breath of fresh air, and I have been suffocating. May a billion blessings rain down on you, my friend.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much, Teresa. Dr. C