Narcissists Take The Blame Game To Another Level

Each person can have defensive moments when they duck responsibilities by blaming and accusing the other person. But as Dr. Les Carter explains, narcissists have such a distorted view of reality that they take the blame game to a whole new level. A healthy goal is to discuss problems objectively, but until narcissists drop their distortions, they will remain in their self-made ruts.
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[@coloradorocky1298]

Narcissists do the most hurtful, manipulative, selfish & sick things to you.... then tell everyone you did that to them!

[@sickofcrap8992]

🙌🎯

[@juliesmith8645]

And the flying monkeys believe them. What's wrong with the flying monkeys that they're so gullible?

[@jsf8145]

@@juliesmith8645 ......too much secondary game they might lose out on should they confront the narcissist. Too much fear a smear campaign will be set up against them, the relationship might be terminated by the narcissist who has power/control over everyone. Easier for fly monkeys to be a spineless yes-men in order to keep a roof over their head and food on the table. Fly monkeys never operate with a backbone and the mentality "give me liberty or give me death". That's why the never confront the narc and always chose to remain loyal to the narc. They would rather be a slave (to the narc) and stay alive, while living chained to the game.

[@margochanning6868]

Just remember, it's not just you, it's everyone else too. Others just choose to walk on eggshells and play up to the narcissist rather than be true to reality. Too many people are fine being flying monkey/sycophants of narcissists.

[@marwakii]

Ex wife 101

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

All of these behaviors intensify over time. They become more demanding, unreasonable, and selfish as they age.

[@maIwaldron]

True. Just makes it all the worse. Hopefully the further they degrade in their narcissism, the more we learn ways to avoid and deflect their influence!

[@janetpattison8474]

The narc’s digs, insults, accusations, & demeaning “Blame game” has destroyed many a loving relationship. The narc has zero interest is understanding how he or she sabotages their own life & relationships, creating one disaster after another. So self-righteousness & the “blame game” is an automatic response to any issue. The narc believes he/she is forever the victim & is responsible for nothing. Great talk! Thank you Dr Carter!!!

[@killadjango6995]

bingo 💯🎯

[@ruelpile]

Whenever I'd be talking with my ex about why I didn't agree with how she was acting, she would constantly stop talking, stomp off, and slam the door as hard as she could. It was like having a difficult conversation with a 5 year old child.

[@THRASHMETALFUNRIFFS]

"This conversation is OVER!!" /w\SLAM/w\ (Stonewalling)

[@CEK51]

I can remember one time when after years of abuse and not being able to communicate with my ex I totally lost it bc I couldn’t take anymore of his silence so yes….. I stomped off and expressed my dissatisfaction with the way it was going. I doubt she was/is the narcissist.

[@ruelpile]

@@CEK51 That's a little short sighted -- isn't leaving a conversation like that clearly stonewalling? Is this how you justify why you did it -- by calling your partner the narcissist and justifying your noncommunicative behavior? Maybe you were stonewalling... which is narcissistic. If you read my comment, I wasn't giving her the silent treatment -- I said we were having a discussion at that time (so I thought before she would stomp away). I just didn't agree with her perspective and she wasn't having it. Stomping off and slamming a door is something that a narcissistic person would do -- the narcissist is not the person standing there wanting to have an adult conversation about what's happening in the relationship. Besides, even if you weren't narcissistic for stomping off and slamming a door, that's still not healthy behavior (or Christian behavior), no matter how much you want to justify your actions.

[@victoriousjoy9338]

Sounds more like a 2 year old.

[@shelley7975]

In my experience it doesn't matter how you approach them, they will still do just what they want, when they want. They may pretend they are listening, but they aren't. When the subject is brought up again, they act like you are attacking them and go into the victim role. I'm at the point where I just don't engage because I know the outcome and the blame game will ensue. It's a no win situation. It's always someone else's fault no matter what they do. It took me a while, a long while, but at least now I know what I'm dealing with and I can move forward for what's best for me. It's not easy, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks Dr. C for helping to clear the path. :)

[@stephenkarla7113]

Took me forty years to finally distance myself from my mom.

[@sandraduffy8053]

Same here!

[@wifferstess2824]

I found they’re not really listening but rather dog whistling.

[@traceymateer7251]

I hope and pray that I can find some kind of strength to get thru his horrible, abusive behavior. It's the same for me. I try conversing in a kind, considerate manner and he'll play like he's listening. But just a little ways down the line the same scenario comes up. EXACTLY the same. They dont CARE what you say or how you say it. You will always be the one at fault. They are disgusting beings. You notice I left out "human" , because a human being wouldn't treat someone they're supposed to love (makes me laugh and cry hearing that) in such a way. God help us...

[@zepgirl6489]

I totally agree! There is no way to have a rational conversation with a severely narcissistic person. My fiance will say to me, "You will get what I give you." He thinks he is so entitled and has placed himself on a pedestal above everyone!

[@druidathanaric7582]

"Let's talk." 😂 To a narcissist, that means you better agree with everything I say or there will be hell to pay.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That summarizes it!

[@chelleb3055]

It's worse when you are born into a family of narcs and you are the scapegoat. Everything that can be blamed on you will be and things that can't possibly be your fault will be (according to them). Even cutting off contact doesn't stop them from blaming you for things in the future! It's madness.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It's a pitiable way to live, and what's worse, all you did was show up. I wish for you to find a much better path, Chelle. Dr. C

[@dakoderii4221]

My family accused me of throwing a rock and breaking a window but I was 350 miles away in Florida at the time. I agreed to take the blame and told them you can never talk crap about my pitching skills ever again. Even the best MLB pitcher couldn't began to even think about doing what I just accomplished at only age 10. I can play stupid reality inversion too! 😝😂

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

Charlie, someone has to be the scapegoat. I'm my childhood there were favorites and not so favorite. You could sit in a corner and not ask for anything, not expect anything, try to please the one who counted you as a nothing.

[@realhealing7802]

The scapegoat is the emotional punching bag for the narcissist. I am the scapegoat in my narcissistic family. I finally went no contact to save my mental health. Narcissists are impossible.

[@keplermission4947]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Wow at 2:50 Dr. Les Carter swears and says: 'you must be a F*CKING (pause) confusing person!' These country hicks do swear of camera and no mere Dr. title can hide the fact for long. They're RUBES at heart.

[@izawaniek2568]

I am not going to let my personal stability be determined by an unstable, insecure and immature personality of a narcisistic person. I do not want to argue and am out of this game. Let us live inside Peace and offer Peace to others. Do not let the narcisists to trigger you, healing our past wounds is vital. Thank you dr Carter.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Great words of wisdom, Iza. Dr. C

[@tallguy8937]

“Discussions become battlegrounds.” Never heard it put like that, but that’s so accurate. Don’t recall having a discussion with anyone in my family, about anything, that didn’t turn into a fight 🤦‍♂️

[@margochanning6868]

That's sad, but unfortunately, I can relate all too well.

[@tallguy8937]

@@margochanning6868 I’m sorry. I hope you find peace 😊

[@elinazariel]

Yes it makes me doubt myself and also think that am i really that horrible person. Then when i think of discussion with other people, it doesn't go anything like that. Not even close... But if i mention this, he asks that "does your mom/friend/whoever know this and this about you? If not then its not the same, they would better see how you are if they knew"

[@margochanning6868]

@@elinazariel I no longer try to explain myself to family/friends. BUT it's taken me decades to get to this point. And only because, for me, my faith puts all my confidence and trust in God, not humans including myself. I wish I had gotten to this point sooner and I could be even more secure in Christ, and will be if I continue forward in faith. At least, I have entered by the narrow gate and am making progress.

[@allennorman1628]

They will never come clean.

[@jbtoptc7327]

Damned if you do..... Damned if you don't. No win situation.

[@SrnDpT-ti1xs]

The blame can get ridiculous. My ex decided to stop paying his child support on his oldest child with his first wife. Then he bought a car with what should have been his child support. When the judge ordered him to recommence paying shild support and pay all the back child support, somehow, it became my children's fault even though my kids were adults who had nothing to do with his financial decisions. It was so absurd. Biggest red flag. Ever. I realized over time that the blame game leads to them never learning from their mistakes so they keep cycling thru the same pattern of bad choices.

[@susanparker9877]

Yes cyclic patterns that repeat. So glad you see it for what it is.

[@shanerob681]

My soon to be ex-husband had the pattern of presenting his ideas to me as if he was seeking my input, but he would rage if my thoughts did not align with his. For example, last year I started to work from home because of the pandemic and he wanted us to either sell our house or fully rent it out and move to his narcissistic mother’s cottage four hours out of town. He has not had employment in years and his only income is from renting out a portion of our house. When I reminded him that my work arrangement was temporary, he raged at me, triangulated with his mother and two former tenants and then gave me an ultimatum to either have a baby and move to the cottage, or go our separate ways. He moved out of our bedroom and gave me the silent treatment, but agreed to marriage counselling and then made no effort to work on the marriage. At that point, I decided to leave.

[@mattdonna9677]

Good for you !

[@shodack5124]

Same with my ex-husband. Be glad you didn't have children with him.

[@DoHisProphetsNoHarm]

Mine did this too

[@allennorman1628]

Sounds like my wife.

[@luffypupperstien2706]

Yes! Ill hear "I did such and such and I want you to like it." Now I just say Okay I like it😆

[@MrBolognaTony]

I made the mistake of playing my wife's blame game with her, realized that it didn't accomplish anything, and felt horrible because I allowed myself to bring myself down to her level.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Let's put that under the category of live and learn! You're definilty not alone. Dr. C

[@jamesanderson5484]

Lots of us have been there, amigo. Don't hang on for years being played, and she is playing you for her piss ant power game. Nothing will change. These narcissists are damaged goods never to be repaired.

[@vanessapehl7581]

Yes Dr. Carter a simple discussion becomes a battle arguing I do not want to be blamed for trying to have a discussion period.

[@annelieekdahl3880]

Still learning.. Still getting those "ahh..." moments when I'm listening to your videos. I am so thankful. You bring peace to my soul. Thank you. From Sweden with love ❤️

[@mdee860]

Hi Annelie! I had the same experience when I heard my 1st video (& then many, many more) w/ Dr. Carter. My autonomic nervous system (fight or flight) was on hyper overdrive & hearing his calm, soothing voice explain the many facets of Narcassism - in such a calm manner was & remains, balm to my soul. We're so glad you're here (in Dr. Carter's community) with us learning & growing wiser with every video!

[@carolnahigian9518]

my crazy Cousin W. had " emergency" and caused scenes; totally ruining Showers, Holidays... and leaves Town..WHY DOES she come visit??

[@coloradorocky1298]

The root of the problem lies in our narcissistic roots, our family @ community who believe they are special & have no room for learning….their twisted, small minded, self lying narrative on how & who we should believe & trust, many of times…. These souls are smarter ‘ more worldly than us…. And we feel that, we need that… we need to set our souls free to the truth 🙌😆🙌🇺🇸🇺🇸🙌🙌

[@caryn9561]

My narc mother-in-law blamed me for her son's cancer can you imagine.They are vicious mentally cruel people.

[@susansheldon2707]

My friend's husband died 30 years ago from brain cancer. She did everything she could to get him treatment, including experimental treatments. Yet, his family, with a narc mother at its head, literally wouldn't touch him or get physically near him, apparently from fear of "catching" his cancer. And they accused my friend of keeping him from getting any treatments at all. In the meantime, his parents tried to convince him, in private, to sign over his life insurance policy to them. Happily, he was still sane and said no, that his wife and two small kids would need that money. So when they couldn't get his money, his father cleared out the THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of $$$ of woodworking tools and machinery stored in the top of their horse barn. Every last bit, down to the screwdrivers. To this day, decades later, it's still so hard to believe people can be like that.

[@ryancarroll3961]

Narcissist blame you for how they feel when you call them out on their shortcomings

[@druidathanaric7582]

Their chronic dishonesty makes them so difficult to deal with.

[@aminakhiyami7899]

Your words are absolutely true! What you are describing about the narcissistic is happening everyday! Amazing! Blessings

[@elcee7800]

And if all of that isn’t terrible enough, add to that the other layer which is the defamation and slander of the target/victim. Really heartbreaking.

[@susansheldon2707]

Yes! When they find they can't control you, they turn to controlling the family narrative ABOUT you by trashing your reputation. And it's all done behind your back so that you can't defend yourself. Been there, am there still with my husband's large extended family. It's why I've chosen to go as no-contact as possible (funerals and weddings being the exception), but they are clueless as to why I'm doing so. My being sane, mature and self-respecting, refusing to live by their lies, makes no sense to them. Too bad. They'll have to enjoy trashing me and sticking more knives in my back from a distance.

[@sherrybonnett4827]

Sounds like our Canadian PM. right now.

[@nv_chino]

Yep

[@elcee7800]

I don’t know why commenters delete their post after you post a reply, why is that?

[@katieok9639]

It's an affirming relief to hear your calm and thoughtful descriptions of the soul grinding narcissistic thought patterns and behaviors that I lived with for so many years. It helps to finally understand the "why" behind it all. Thank you.

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

It's good to know that we're not alone having put up with these individuals; I was married to a narcissist for over 40 years (not knowing what narcissists were) thinking the behaviour was normal. They hate it when you stand up to them. I've been separated for eight years and I feel relieved to have escaped.

[@johnnygreen3008]

It’s amazing how people can sneak into your life and destroy it they come as a loving friend and leave with your life in trash bag 😔

[@johnnygreen3008]

@@gillianbrookwell1678 My Mother they can right a book about her 👎🏻🆘

[@ThisIsMe155]

It does, doesn't it?? 💕

[@sharonhekimianrhitccs7630]

Yes..understanding why..and not just they have weird reactions..

[@tedschmitt178]

They blame everyone except the one in the mirror.

[@darrynreid4500]

"I'm not getting whatever I want to take from you" becomes "You're bullying me". The blaming is really just part of the endless victimhood displays; even cursory independent evaluation will reveal that victimhood to these people is them being prevented from violating other people's rights, rather than any violation of any rights they legitimately hold.

[@sandykimberlin7198]

I think a narcissist is hopeless!

[@AnnieGrace777]

So very TRUE. Lot of grief in all this. Thank you so much for your teaching.

[@TheDon30740]

"Discussions become battlegrounds" trying to speak my feelings is considered lecturing.

[@mittiejohnson1354]

They can’t see their wrong.

[@lxraycatmaui2884]

After I got over the disbelief and crying ....at some point I began to fight back, blow for blow, and it made me feel sick and horrible inside. The powerful, dark energy , the irrational accusations, the sheer ignorance of true feelings has totally changed ME and I cannot be an actor in this sick drama anymore.

[@notsheepish8304]

I started to fight back and all my anger and rage against the narc came to the surface. I started to wonder if I was the narcissist. Then I fell into anxiety and depression. That's where I'm at right now.

[@---ir6sr]

It took me twenty years to figure out that the narcissist wore two personas. 1. The public persona which is sweet and demure. Most people know her by her public persona. 2. The private persona is shrewd, cunning with little or no regard for others.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Me too. It blows your mind when you finally ‘see’ them for what they are

[@lisamcabee5888]

Ikr!! Everyone loves them, they've never had a problem with any other relationship and they have oodles of friends...lol Give me a break!! Their friends are in hiding bc they smartened up...this narcissist is also an alcoholic!!

[@dawnbailey1132]

Dr. C, this video explains what I'm going through, and encourages me not to get sucked into the vortex of alternate reality...and sometimes it's the most challenging thing I've ever dealt with. Thank you just isn't enough.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased, Dawn. Dr. C

[@josiek5989]

Exactly what I wanted to say. Going through this right now. Dr. C hits the nail right on the head. I can feel the tension running right off of me when I listen to him.

[@dawnbailey1132]

@@josiek5989 I feel like I'm being issued armor to protect me from further wounding. It keeps me from getting emotional when I see clearly.

[@LauraCoubert]

"Vortex of alternate reality". This is exactly what it feels like. They can't get the facts straight and face reality to save their lives. Rather, they go changing reality and lying about past events as they speak, often contradicting themselves to suit their purpose. And they get angry when you point out that what they're saying isn't true, lol.

[@PiscesinVa]

This video came at a wonderful time. My mother is so narcissistic, I get no contact then she Hoover's and I get sucked back into clarifying my boundaries then she pounces again. There's no changing these people or their perceptions

[@TheLoulu23]

I could win 5 million dollars and my narcissistic daughter would find a way to be negative about it.....she could never, ever be happy for me, or say anything nice to me, she blames me for everything I've done wrong as a mother (as she sees it) in her life.....I've finally realised that I can never win with her....I'm done......recently she actually spat on me......done, totally done! Thank you Dr Carter for you wonderful insights, you have helped me so much....

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Make sure you see the recent video about radical acceptance.

[@seajayart1147]

Another piece of the puzzle falls into place. This completely explains the bewildering and bizarre responses so needlessly and cruelly delivered to me. My calm, rational, non-blaming approach was met with everything mentioned by you, Dr. C. Your videos, which I've been watching for months, have been the perfect navigational guide to get through the narcissistic storm thrown at me lately. Best medicine ever!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased! Dr. C

[@SkyeAten]

It's so scary... What the heck... Why do narcissists even have to exist. I'm so tired...

[@fervid84]

The blaming can reach absolutely ridiculous levels, I was blamed for where the dog decided to sleep, it was apparently a slight against the narcissist that I had plotted. I was blamed for the narcissists high blood pressure that was a pre-existing condition before they even knew me, apparently I caused it with my boundaries.

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

Oh how appropriate for my current circumstances! My narcissists use the “you’re so arrogant”…cuz I won’t do or think like them. It’s puzzled me for so long… and this explains SO much about this behavior.

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

Yeah, same here. It’s like arrogant? 🤔🤔 cuz I don’t think like them I’m arrogant? 🤷‍♀️

[@rwdchannel2901]

They're just looking for a reaction so they feel in control. That's why once you realize that and you use the grey rock method it'll drive them crazy. Next thing you know they'll be ghosting you because you're not doing it for them and they need to get it from somewhere else. Ghosting is sort of a blame game too.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You get it! Dr. C

[@randomsasquatchwithwifi4090]

Went through that so much. Not anymore. Decided that it would be better for my peace to end that relationship. Thank you so very much, Dr. C! We all so appreciate what you do for this community! Lots of love to Gus too!

[@strugglingmillennial1298]

They’re so delusional. They have no problem with bringing up past mistakes as if it’s still relevant today! My Narc brother blamed me for not being present at the hospital when he was diagnosed with a serious illness. Mind you, I was out of town so how could I be present?! Gotta find someone to blame, right?

[@wifferstess2824]

My ex was even better. My dad was and still is in hospital due to a stroke but all she could do was turn the focus back to only on her needs. When I commented on her lack of empathy, all she could say was “she felt as much as we felt when she was in hospital for depression”. But she never told us at the time. As you can see, the chronology of the events don’t matter.

[@talk2minice490]

So true. Not to long ago, my husband goes on blaming me for not being there at the hospital when he got hit by a car. I just started back working and the accident happened when I was working. He called me and send pics of the results. He even went on and said I slept with my boss and did not care about him. Remind you, that was at a time when they was limiting visits during the pandemic.

[@MegaBIGJOE64]

I've consulted many social workers, mental health therapists and so on, and NONE of them was listening to what I had to say. I was treated like a criminal, a dangerous person. My conclusions are simple : a man cannot complain against any woman because we all know that men are the violent ones, the only culprit and anyway, these "specialists" know sweet F%#&-all about narcissistic personality disorder. Thanks to people like you I understand what's was going on with the narcs in my life. I can see the "reality" these NARCS where imposing on me. Thanks a lot !!!

[@traceymateer7251]

Unfortunately society does think that way. I feel badly about that, but am glad you found this site. Everyone helps one another by sharing their stories. We don't feel so alone after reading that they suffer the same things we do. God bless this site.

[@nv_chino]

And basically females are victims no matter what despite in the face of evidence and true facts presented. Experiencing the same thing as you

[@kikataye6293]

This explains why my ex was always disgusted and angry with me, and all I wanted to do was to communicate with him.

[@rozr925]

I am living with a spouse who drives me up a wall. I can't even explain my pain without it being about him. Ughh. Well, I do pray MUCH, and I have learned to walk away and stay silent. Which of course leads to me being a jerk. Tried therapy with him and it never helped, the therapist basically gave up. NOTHING gets through him. So, this is my battle and cross to bear. If it weren't for my Christ, I would be locked up some place! Bad enough dealing with a tough world yet alone never being able to communicate with my spouse. Maybe that's why I laugh and joke with others, I love socializing and I love honestly. Thank you Doc, for making me realize I am NOT losing it 🙏

[@hennahannnah]

The narcissist in my life seems to have run short on things to blame others for, so he created a problem no one else can see so he could blame 2 people for incorrect behavior. He now requires remedial actions and future preventive behaviors, claiming jobs are at risk for poor handling. Just when I think we’ve moved on, he resurrects the topic and reinforces the need for action. This persistence suggests he fears a loss due to an inflated fear of outside judgement. Not wanting any loss blamed on him, he’s setting us up for blame if his manufactured fear comes to pass. Meanwhile, he can see whether we’re under control or not via his Emperor’s New Clothes invisible problem. If we don’t conform sufficiently, he will use that to punish later. The whole scenario is also a distraction for a poor choice on his part which he’d like us to forget, even though no one has called out his error. Thank you for this video! I’ve watched many of your videos before, but this one really hits the mark for me and explains situations I see regularly.

[@SerbyWafflesTech]

Living with a narcissist is the most grueling thing a person can endure. They hate everyone and think everyone is to blame for their failures. Living with a drunk narcissists is at another level.

[@rachelbrough8160]

My ex was just like this, when he couldn't control me and manipulate me into conforming to what he wanted - I was the problem...our relationship wasn't working because of me, I wasn't committed, I wasn't supportive - all because I wouldn't be the subservient woman that he wanted and always do his bidding. I tried to tell him relationships aren't about control, it's a 50/50 partnership with respect and reciprocity. But unless I played by his rules and let him control the narrative he didn't like it. I had this so many times. I stayed for longer then I should have, I stayed because I loved him so much and excused alot of his toxic behaviour. I still love him even now because we actually had some amazing and lovely times and it's those good times that keep you hanging on, keep you hoping but in reality, it's futile and it damages you. It's taken a toll but I had to leave the relationship for my own peace of mind and emotional wellbeing. Genuine love is not abusive. Videos like this have really helped me and I am eternally grateful for that.

[@mittiejohnson1354]

Honestly we need to just move from people like this, and pray for them. Because they can’t see themselves, for saying it’s you. I’m just no contact and keeping my peace.. Because we don’t have to put up with this evil treatment

[@sirtedricwalker2979]

No Contact for sure. Life is too short to be around that mental disorder....pray and stay away!

[@reginafarias]

A big mistake is trusting the narc and telling him our weaknesses. He will always bite right there. Don't take the risk of trusting your kid either. In the case he becomes a narc, he will make terrible use of your trusting. Tell your sorrows only to God or to your pillow.

[@marjoriemartinez9973]

My sister backstabbed me for yrs, when i finally stood my ground after almost suicide!! She blocked me and turned my daughter against me...i dont know what elso to do...for yrs she gaslighted me to thinking i was sick i saw several Doctors and finally they explained they are a very toxic family but it still hurts that she blocked me after everything she did

[@pamelaruth7400]

I found it hard at first to accept what I was feeling. I would tell myself I shouldnt care because of how much they mistreated me! Even though I didn't want it I have a wound from the betrayal and rejection. That is normal and expected!

[@purpleiguana208]

This video reminded me of something my mother in law said to me fairly early on. I forget if it was before or after my husband and I got married. But one day, she just started teasing me from out of nowhere. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I remember that it caught me off guard, was moderately hurtful, and I was stunned into silence. What I do remember is my mother in law looking at me, chuckling, and saying, "Oh, I just have to tease you. You're too perfect." (Which I guess was her way of saying, "The way you react to things makes me see the flaws and failings in myself, so I have to make you pay for that by knocking you down a peg.") I was still sort of in a stunned, hurt silence and didn't respond, but what I wanted to say is, "No I'm not... and no you don't."

[@juliesmith8645]

Totally relate to weird mother-in-law. At first I thought she was jealous of me being with her son, which still could be true. But now I also know she's manipulative and critical, which is hilarious when you look at how she runs her life.

[@susansheldon2707]

Right after we married (43 years ago...), my MIL announced to me, "I fully expect you'll stop wearing jeans and start wearing proper house dresses." Uh, like in the 1950's when YOU got married? It was incredibly laughable, although I stifled it at the time. Only problem was that it was only a warning shot preceding definitely non-laughable intrusions into our private marital relationship. She was determined to make me bow, as a dutiful child, to her as Imperious Mother. But, nope. Never did. Instead, between her, my FIL, and my sisters-in-law, I have not one inch of flesh on my back that doesn't have one of their knives in it. I wish I had never met these people. Ever.

[@purpleiguana208]

@@susansheldon2707 good for you for standing up for yourself, though. I'm sorry for all you went through with them. My husband asked me for so long to just watch my step, don't cross the line, don't rock the boat, don't draw the eye, basically. And I did that for a long time (over 20 years) because we saw them so infrequently that swallowing their disrespect was easier to do than to fight back. Never made it better. Never liked it. But it was easier. Then two years ago, I had the realization that their line was NOT more important than my line and their boat was NOT more important than my boat. I effectively went VLC with them while hubby planned more holiday visits. But then I needed my gallbladder out and covid hit and we haven't even laid eyes on them since my epiphany. Then youngest kid came out as trans and the ILs were just too conservative and butt headed to accept him. They were given the option of either accepting their grandchild and working to fix what they damaged or not accepting him and not hearing from us again. Guess which they picked?

[@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690]

Wow i also have evil covert narcasisst mil. She is sneaky. Husband's side is the flying monkeys. They all walk on eggshells and tip toe with her. I was the first person to set boundaries. She texted me around Thanksgiving about Christmas gifts. I told her get my kids gift cards and us nothing. Also i wont be having anyone over for holidays. Guess what. No response because she didn't like what i said. She always does that. Randomly texts me because she feels its time for her to visit and i just was very straight up about it. No response. I don't care what she wants .

[@Alice-fr1ef]

I just realized that my sister is a Narcissist. She has always blamed everyone else for whatever she did or did not do. She lives the life of being a victim and always has lived that way. We just always knew that she played mind games. Her children has even told me about the mind games.

[@tracymitchell9399]

It's soooo exhausting It sucks the energy right out of my soul. Emotionally, mentally and eventually physically, a narcissist is a true health threat.

[@matthewwozniak9138]

Well, I'm certainly not going to throw stones at myself. People perceive life from their own perception. Not everyone sees things the same.

[@proverbs2522]

Narcissists have had their characteristics categorized and databased and they are all basically the same. If you’ve met one narcissist you’ve met them all. They are cookie cutter people and some are more fully formed than others who weren’t able to succeed at being fully grandiose. They don’t have positive emotions because that was the first thing they offed as a child. They also don’t have many neutral emotions either. They most definitely retained their negative emotions but instead of a variety of negative emotions to better communicate their thoughts they actually only have like 4 in my husband’s case. He has indifference, anger, rage and envy. That’s it. They also don’t have a huge variety of behaviors that go along with the emotions and the emotions don’t usually go with the situation he’s expressing negativity towards.

[@elizabethharp8107]

I think the narcissist are the ones experiencing blurry boundaries!!! J M O!

[@jackpetersen7545]

Elizabeth Harp,You look gorgeous 🌹🌷,Hope you are not with a narcissist!

[@izawaniek2568]

Let us stand for Peace. Away from the toxic and abusive narcisistic individuals who wreak havoc in our lives - destroy families, friendships, and other types of communities. Thank you dr Carter.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I stand with you, Iza.

[@izawaniek2568]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you so much dr Carter. God bless you.

[@margarethollis5620]

Yes when I wised up to his control he would say "I don't know what has got into you, you used to be so easy to get along with! " (when I was his puppet)

[@Donita1213]

Yep I have a younger brother that's in his late 50s. He's been living with our mother for close to 20 years. Our mother is in her 80s, and since I'm retired I decided to move in with them to help her and myself.with bills and whatever else. I didn't know this, but my brother blames everyone else for all his problems. My mom wanted a bigger house, so they moved from the city to a small town. I love the town more than the city. My brother hates it. He never talks to anyone or goes anywhere. And he blames our mother for moving here. Now I became aware that he resents me because I'm here. Everything that has gone wrong in his life, is someone else's fault. He's suspicious of everyone. Accidents are not just accidents. What a hellish way to live and see the world.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

He sounds like a miserable person.

[@dianamarie5663]

If my narc partner of 40 years had survived his heart attack he would have blamed me for who knows what. I was blamed for everything.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're now free. Dr. C

[@DavidDrummondTX]

I can relate. I'm pretty sure at this point she thinks covid is my fault.

[@lindseyw2791]

My torture is in its 43rd year. It has successfully also alienated my children who treat me in the same manner. I’m walking away with a heart full of grief for what SHOULD have been but I now know that there is no alternative but to leave my life behind. Relief from all the torture of emotional abuse from all 3 . These insights are invaluable and very supportive.

[@traceymateer7251]

Thank the Lord for removing him from your life. I dont have the strength to leave mine..

[@luffypupperstien2706]

I know, the other day mine was saying You'll never leave me you don't want to or you would have. I started to cry. He looked pleased too dumb to know he's kept me with fear not charm.

[@kookiecanuck]

Narczilla cares less about how others feel in the chaotic control freak arena they concoct, as long as they dictate it

[@micheleshively8557]

My attitude became you don't own me, I owe you nothing

[@TM-hl9me]

Yes, distorted reality in everything, from small things to big things, is one of the hallmarks of narcissism. It is a red flag.

[@afrozeahmed6515]

My Mother is a Narc.Iv accepted it and keep my distance.A classic eg:My car switched off suddenly on the highway(it was the coolant pipe)the car had to be towed.I was on the road to the Mall where my dentist appt was.I asked my Mother to fetch me after my car was towed.Her answer-No,Im tired and sleeping.This was 3 30pm in the afternoon.I just accepted it bcoz I wasnt surprised-I thort Id try.When I got home by 5pm She asked my brother what happened to me etx.She didnt know i heard.When I walked in--she didnt say anything to me at all .Nada for 3 days.If anything she went out of her way to make things difficult for me.Anyway thats a classic example.Silent treatment is a fav.its like she blamed me for her inability to fetch ME .

[@karenharris3183]

It takes thinking how will they feel how you feel and patience.

[@unsolicitedadvice2800]

They are VERY threatened by your calmness. It sets my mother off every time that I refuse to get emotional and upset with/at her. She'll say things like, "You think you're so much better than me!" And " You think you're so wise! I have more wisdom in my little finger than you do in your whole body! "

[@awakened9906]

My narc MIL believes me not meeting her demands is very disrespectful of me, my independance is disrespectful towards her, having a different viewpoint is disrespectful, my boundaries are disrespectful, my personal ethics are disrespectful, it never ends. Even not reacting is disrespectful! LOL

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

I've learnt to stay calm instead of getting upset all the time the way I used to; My Ex husband, the narcissist wouldn't even share blame, and say No, it's all your fault and nothing to do with me, and he even tried to turn my brother against me telling him that I was ruining his life. These people are hurtful, hateful and love to humiliate.

[@TexanWineAunt]

My conversational style is to add more evidence to the other person’s theory, to support the thesis presented. For example, if she says, “dogs like dog treats”, I might say, “Oh, yes, every dog I ever had liked dog treats”. To her, this means I am arguing or one upping her remark. She may even be unable to comprehend that I am agreeing, even when I make statements such as “I totally agree, you are so right”. Any input from me is unwelcome and threatening, even when I am in agreement. I guess the only acceptable response is, “Yes, dear”

[@mattcrocker5580]

Sad

[@craigmerkey8518]

With personality it very simple! It is all about them or not about them! There are two opinions theirs and the wrong one! This leaves few choices!

[@Michael-xm7op]

every single time i see a video of your's it makes my day....thank you Sir. living with a Borderline on off for 4 years and my head is spinning like crazy. Theese are badly burn'ed people and i feel their pain but you can't save them....save you'r self........sometimes its okay to be selfish

[@pamelaruth7400]

I believe that putting your own wellbeing first is not selfish even though a narccissist will claim it is. Noone else can heal you but you so concentration on self healing is proudly my priority. 💙

[@djdoolittle1315]

Thank you. I do believe we are in a Holy, spiritual war against these demons. The world, society, is riddled with them.

[@Trolly.Troll.]

Lawd dealing with the distortion of reality is so tiring.

[@ginkgo2021]

The flying monkeys multiply the blame level by reinforcing the narcissist’s blaming. An echo chamber of characters who share a distorted view of reality.

[@LorenRyburn-hx8gi]

Narcissistic hell razors. W/ utmost respect

[@benjamindion7221]

A narcissist woman, maxes out credit cards on non practical items. One Father’s Day I received 2 watches from Kay Jewelers from a recently approved credit card (2 damn watches)!!! And they were at least 250$-300$. 1 would have been more than enough. The bad part was when the bill came I was expected to pay. And to top it off , because I didn’t size up the band of both watches quick enough for her, a month later she took them both away . And I said to her “I apologize, I thought it was my gift”. Narcissistic traits of when they give you something of value they constantly remind you of it, and eventually will take it away from you.

[@annettemchan6656]

My, soon to be, exhusband always accused me of “attacking” him. Then he would rage until I gave up.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's what I mean by taking it to another level. Dr. C

[@lesleyelalami2562]

Sometimes they're quiet but with interminably interrogative utterances.... who, where, what, when, how, why....... exactly like being interrogated. Husband does this but he's very soft spoken so it doesn't appear to be aggressive, but it is, it's not conversation at all. It's exceptionally draining.... feed me, feed me, feed me!!!! Hilarious interraction once day when for every question I questioned him back. It went on for a good while then he began laughing...... they know and it's tactical and habitual with them. They're busy going nowhere in relationships.

[@dyoung2739]

Narcs are masters at placing blame. It’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault with the narc.

[@MrHello1407]

Awareness is the best medicine. Thanks🌹🌹. راحه بال

[@justsewit_tk5477]

I absolutely HAVE to laugh because this has conjured up a memory from my early adulthood when I was still living at home. I might have relayed this story before but, since we have just had a federal election here in Australia yesterday this memory has been in the forefront of my mind. It was the first time I went to vote (as it is compulsory in Australia) and all the time the election campaign was on my mother and her husband would drill us in how to vote, down to the wire! There was no discussion over policies or what we thought (I would never have entered into it anyway without being shut down with exclamations of "You're not the world's policeman!"). Election Day comes and I'm a little nervous but excited because even though I was drilled to the core with how to vote the way my parents had elected for me to vote, we walked into the school where the polling place was and I was behind my mother (who marched in as though she was the candidate) and all these representatives were there with the different parties handing out how to vote cards. So I collected them!😂My mother discovered what I was doing, turned around and gave me this death glare, then proceeded to confiscate the how to vote cards from me. Needless to say, the death glare continued well past the election had been called. She did everything in her power to make me feel so guilty for going against her demands of me. I did not vote the way she wanted me too anyway, never have and never ever will! My mind is my own, my decisions are my own and my mistakes are my own to come to terms with and be accountable for.

[@luffypupperstien2706]

My Narc’s go to insult is to say “oh ya blameless Shannon, nothings your fault is it?!” It works every time because I’m so desperate to talk things through and my repeated phrase used to be “a relationship is two people no one person can make a relationship” So ya Blameless me then thinks “But right now it kinda is just you behaving badly” and I’m second guessing

[@sharontalley2155]

Yes, i could do nothing right and if there was anything wrong then it was my fault. Then the lies to let the rest of the family know i am the problem. The family believes her so i am completely isolated. I'm learning to not let this bother me as much.

[@marcirobins5144]

What I find amusing is when they insert different words - than what was previously spoken - into the conversation in an attempt to shift the discussion to the blame framework. The upside for the non-Narc? You gain a fabulous memory. You are able to repeat exactly what you initially said. They don't like that, but so what? They back down from their agenda. You come out of the discussion with stronger cognitive skills, dignity, and self-respect. Winning.

[@kenzo9644]

You are a light in the darkness Dr. C. Cheers from down under

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, kenso. Glad you're with Team Healthy there in Australia. Dr. C

[@dianac5764]

Living in a family of narcissists, I am really glad to watch your videos and realize how to handle the situation.

[@cindyreeves5048]

Yes, thank you is not enough.

[@joanmencl5890]

To me this is the lowest of lows!!!!!!!! Who would do this & why???????

[@brightmark777]

Facts don't care about your feelings.

[@Countryrebelempress]

Screenshots are the key 🔑 to cyberharassment and a NARCISSIST and keeping old text messages making sure they look like the crazy one

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Correct. Dr. C

[@anntrope491]

THANKS DR. CARTER...YOU HELPED ME UNDERSTAND MY DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER...WHO FITS THE COVERT, NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY TYPE . I WAS MADE TO FEEL LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, & SCAPEGOATED MY WHOLE LIFE....IT'S BEEN A YEAR SINCE MY EPIPHANY!! I AM A LOT CALMER, I HAVE LESS ANXIETY...I CAN EVEN TALK TO HER ON THE PHONE, & NOT BE RATTLED AFTER...I NOW KNOW WHAT HER MOTIVATION IS, & DON'T FALL FOR HER MANIPULATIONS...I HAVE EMOTIONALLY SEPERATED FROM WANTING ANYTHING FROM HER, INCLUDING HER ACCEPTANCE, VALIDATION, & UNDERSTANDING....I KNOW THAT WON'T EVER HAPPEN. THANK YOU AGAIN, YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THE UNDERSTANDING THAT HAS SET ME FREE!! HAPPY HOLIDAYS, & EVERYDAY!! ♡☆♡ BLESSINGS ON YOU, & YOUR FAMILY,(PUPS TOO), & COLLEAGUES...♡☆♡

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Ann. Dr. C

[@mjcoulliette6438]

Same here!

[@robinsmith4499]

Three boundaries… I will never be alone with the covert narcissist daughter in law, there will be NO gathering of information that also includes your parents!!!! Anything that is manipulation will be confronted by me ( your mother in law and father in law) We are not team players. 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[@PeteTash32]

In a no-win situation, stop taking part.

[@sandykimberlin7198]

The one I know tells me I don't make sense and calls me stupid!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Consider the source.

[@Gill12283]

A narcissist will take things to very great lengths if you cross them

[@t.l.7733]

The "Blame Game" is the narc's "Projection Game." Whatever they accuse you of either having said or done...make no mistake, they've said & done those same things. The next time they come at you...imagine yourself as a mirror & them speaking into it.

[@martinswan9175]

Haha, that's so funny. My old friend was sending me long diatribe nasty texts and I was just responding nicely in short texts. He kept accusing me of thinking I'm better than him based on nothing. I'm like wtf thinking are you nuts, but not saying that. So weird, I'm the most humble of people. What distorted reality. Your spot on, wish I was able to identify narcissists when I was in high school.

[@shewins3775]

Same thing over here. They accuse you on ridiculous stuff that in all actually are their feelings they are projecting on you. They can go on and on but at that same time say they are not going to go tit for tat but they are the ones going on and on and on and on and on and on…

[@robinpresleywoodward]

Discussions are for the purpose of getting that control fix…

[@forestraven5271]

My father has turned my sisters and brother against me . I refused to be his puppet and let him degrade me in front of my family . I even bought my mother and nieces and nephews each a book I found on living with a narcissist so they would know how to handle him . They are evil for sure .

[@chessdad182]

For almost every sentence I hear a mental "checked that box" sound. LOL.

[@davidparker5439]

You're good . Especially getting into my slow thinking head 🙄

[@marmaladesunrise]

Such powerful, calming, assertive, approach Dr. C. Thank you.

[@shannonparks32]

Dignity, Respect and Civility = Team Healthy 🙋‍♀️