6 Ways A Narcissist Rationalizes Relationship Problems With You

Are you ready to break free from the controllers in your life? If so, sign up for Dr. Carters brand new course Free to Be HERE: survivingnarci...
As you have ongoing exchanges with a narcissist, problems will arise within that relationship, guaranteed. You can try to reason with them, coming to a mutually agreeable middle ground...but that will virtually always prove elusive. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter discusses how narcissists' ego needs are so strong that they cannot admit errors, meaning they are predisposed to rationalize their problems by placing the blame onto you. Do you get hooked in those moments?
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
Check out the new web site and sign up for our email list: survivingnarcis...
If you are interested in online counseling, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: betterhelp.com...
We receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.
Books by Dr. Carter: store.bookbaby...
www.amazon.com...
www.amazon.com...
www.amazon.com...
Laura Charanza's book: www.amazon.com...
Dr. Carter's online workshops on narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com...
Dr. Carter's other KZbin channel: / drlescarter
Coffee mugs: teespring.com/...

[@dogshampoonetwork6051]

You can't rationalize with irrational people. - Spot On!

[@helengreer9309]

Oh my goodness ! This is SO accurate! My husband does ALL if these! Left him 2 months ago thankfully. No more madness.

[@metastract]

@@helengreer9309 good. You deserve better. Move on and thrive!

[@paula817]

I thank the sweet Lord above for saving me and opening my eyes to what was happening very early on. Once I realized he was delusional and we weren't even speaking in the same reality, I chuckled to myself and stopped taking the bait. These videos have been key in my journey.

[@starflower703]

The other problem with narcissists is they are constantly changing the rules and boundaries!

[@kesmarn]

Oh boy... have you ever got that right! It never stops.

[@patriciastiles3615]

Constantly changing the rules and the boundaries without informing the people involved is a classic move for them. I used to call this setting up the hurtles. Watching others jump and scrambled to make ends meet is very amusing to the narcissus. They will use these contrived incidents to justify to the rest the world why you're inapt.

[@amaze2n]

Exactly! I think this borders on gaslighting, because one day they tell you they want one thing, you do everything you can to satisfy that, and the next they tell you they never wanted that. It's incredibly hurtful to try so hard to satisfy someone who spits in your face every time you try to make them happy.

[@starflower703]

VoidSurf I have learned the best thing to do is just stop trying to satisfy the narcissists every whim! I satisfy my own wants and those of people who give something in return even if it’s just appreciation!

[@amaze2n]

@@starflower703 sadly I have had trouble with this. I have been diagnosed with BPD and I notice that I'm not able to see when someone is using me because I blame everything on my own inadequacy. I am terrified of losing this person because I'm not good enough for them and will do everything I can to avoid that. I've had a string of relationships with narcissists, and I'm just now starting to recognize these patterns and trying to break them.

[@roxannecox7861]

Read this today and thought of all of you. "Don't let someone who doesn't know their own value tell you what you're worth." Merry Christmas, Everyone!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Perfect! Thanks, Roxanne. Dr. C

[@shellydanner7047]

That was a very sweet comment :) Merry Christmas Roxanne!

[@Misslotusification]

Don't let anyone tell you what you're worth anyways...

[@bonniey7299]

💋💯

[@LoverofLife863]

They’re permanent passengers on the crazy train. They will destroy themselves trying to destroy you.

[@melodyvovan9205]

Exactement 👌🌹

[@tammyw.4779]

😆. Yes they are.

[@southerncross5360]

Amourex de la vie Muah Yes it’s their way meaning you’re the one who’s there to validate who they are. It’s you who must think the same and believe the same as they do, to be agreeable losing your own Identit. Winning is not only a goal it’s a must! Losing doesn’t apply since a narc Won’t play anything fair and if they’re in a position to lose in a disagreement or difference in opinion, example is calling them out on the spot, and they disappear. This is their tactic of power I’ll show you my strength, even when it’s laughable it hurts to be left like trash. Your words on crashing the crazy train made me think of the song “Crash this Train” I sent to my ex who was getting ready to disappear, again. This time was different, I chose not to chase or follow him quite the opposite, as he was acting like the escape artist he is I said right then if you leave then stay gone. Your comment resonated with me so much, this is how I understand the song, and I’d seen it in a show we loved SOA. The message here was being in the painful place of vulnerability begging to not be here hoping God would make it go away like it never happened, another chance. When he sings God if you can hear me, crash this train’. The request is asking God to use his power to basically destroy this world we’re living in because it’s full of sin and death and lies and corruption and allow us to start over fresh. I’ll link it below if anyone wants to listen. Thank you excellent comment!! kzbin.info/www/bejne/l6fTin2vfLuhhsU

[@susanlore345]

Amourex de la vie Muah I hope so

[@TheNikki284]

You are SO right. It reminds me of a hostage situation.

[@danellefrost5030]

I I wish that I would have understood this before trying to make sense of 33 years of frustration trying to communicate with someone that was not capable of doing such.

[@melisherwood9734]

As the late Maya Angelou said: “When you know better, you do better”. Cherish every moment you have now. I dealt with it for 18 years...best advice for anyone in it: JUST WALK AWAY.

[@RS-ww8jo]

Danelle Frost me too

[@brighteyes4020]

I've been trying to make sense for 21 years... finally all the pieces are falling into place for me... and I'm better equipped to handle the situation and my mental health.

[@brendakrause5639]

22years for me.

[@mdee860]

16 yrs. for me. 1st 3 very good, then the crazy train started. I thank God every day that I found Dr. Carter & a supportive community here. Finally understanding this craziness, his keeping me/ our relationship so off balance is life saving, life affirming. Trying to make my exit plan. A bit difficult to do as I am sick from horse accident & M.E., so I can no longer work. However, I firmly believe if there is the will, there is a way. Hugs to all here.

[@areilly2496]

The narc feels justified in whatever damage they do to you.. because they consider themselves perfect. Other people aren't allowed to have beliefs or opinions- especially if they aren't acceptable to the narc. And don't expect a sincere apology, they won't be capable of giving one ✌️💜

[@Suzu52]

I asked my future ex recently, who is doing his best to make me lose my mind(although he says it's not intentional, um ok)......I asked if he thought I "deserved" his treatment of me over decades.....His answer? "yes"....and the reason? because I "call him out " on things.....these people are life-suckers and evil, all the while out of the home projecting a Mr.Nice guy persona....He convinced his family, my sons ,everyone that the problems are only my fault.I' m exhausted...the inflammation in my body is out of control.....

[@iammaximus614]

Soo True....they really think they can do no wrong ....I say to that “It must Great to be God! 😃.....🤭 Self Talk is Our Greatest Friend & Ally I go to the mirror & firmly say: They Ain’t Gettin...Me! No use arguing with a Stump! 😅👍🏽 The Narcissist It gets them riled up!

[@fisherwomyn]

A Reilly Perfect 👌

[@janicefeny2223]

So TRUE...this 'I'm perfect' mindset is my mom & she believes that her way is the ONLY way (and makes me feel inferior if I don't get on board & that i'm slow or lacking somehow when I state MY methods or opinions). I love her, but we've NEVER been on the same page & I'm 50+ yrs. old.

[@funlovinbloke6266]

They (narcissist) are far, so far, even further than an space explorer millions of lightyears from planet earth, from perfect. Just as I am not perfect or not as I would like to be. Narcissist think that they are master of the universe. Yeah right, maybe of their own small, emotionless, emptyless tiny universe which is populated by one individual with several personalities!

[@Boogan-D]

She said, "Tell me everything!" I thought she was truly interested in my life. Later she used _everything_ I told her against me - to make me her whimpering love slave.

[@Chahlie]

Oh my goodness, I tried to have a very short visit with the one sibling who hasn't harmed me, but I couldn't talk about anything regarding myself as I knew it would be inadvertently passed on and then rewritten. Awkward.

[@samantha5600]

My mother did this to me and then goes and tells everyone my business, even when I ask her pointedly to not discuss with anyone else. I have a long line of Narcissists in my past, but no more.

[@b.j.7837]

@Tom Doyle Yep, my ex-narc acted as if he were concerned about my past, my vulnerabilities, then later, used those things to meanly disparage me.

[@heatherbrown762]

He asked me pointed questions when I felt safe with him. Now he tries controls me with the threat to “expose me” and “call me out”. How I wish I would have known about narcissism back then.

[@evangeliaedwards3067]

Heather Brown exactly the same for me!

[@coolhandchris5960]

In their mind you deserve every bad thing that's happened to you including their abuse of you. Their not good people. Christmas is a bumpy ride,hang on everybody! Have a cool yule!

[@sage9836]

A Cool Yule to you. Good phrase.

[@hew195050]

too late

[@Hatbox948]

So true! My narc has even said that to me.

[@alyssacanarte6152]

"You can't reason with an unreasonable person."

[@msr1116]

Alyssa Canarte.......One of those truths that should be compiled in a book.

[@Nexus-ub4hs]

Bottom line

[@michellehoward5318]

My ex literally said to me, "you need me to guide you so you make better decisions." Problem was his life choices were the questionable ones. He had no job, no car, no desire to work on himself. He just thought I needed his advice. However, I have a job, own my home, and managed my life just fine prior to him.

[@alyssacanarte6152]

@Michelle Howard sounds exactly like my father

[@michellehoward5318]

@@alyssacanarte6152 he tried to parent me in an unhealthy way...gross. Like having a fatherly, disciplinary, control...How can there be adult intimacy in a "parent-child" dynamic? What a weirdo... So glad it's over.

[@MiAowWow]

My ex (narc) boyfriend never apologized. He never wanted to talk, really talk about problems in the relationship. When I finally said something like "This is not a real relationship" he would reply "I love our relationship" 🙄 and by doing so he never acknowledged anything and there was no hope to solve anything. I learned it the hard way he was so afraid of dealing with problems of any kind he rather just pretend everything was just fine. Since narcissists can do no wrong (according to themselves) there's nothing to talk about. It's hopeless trying to deal with someone who is acting like they're above you, you just can't continue to have a relationship with a person like that. Dr Carter, Thank you for yet another awesome video 🙂 and Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays to you, Gus and the rest of your family. ❤ Maria 😁🎄

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Maria. I'm so pleased you've been working at it. Dr. C

[@MiAowWow]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Dr Carter! 🙂💕

[@iopiachereitalia9792]

You are so young and able to move on with ease. Thankfully, you have and most of us have learned the tools to deal and move on. I pray we can lessen the harm done and get help for those wanting true help.

[@lindatravis2804]

Dead on! They do no wrong so nothing to discuss!

[@lilbraezyxxcupid]

“since narcissists can do no wrong (according to themselves) there’s nothing to talk about.” THISSSS🗣🥴🤧🥵

[@knarf_on_a_bike]

That's easy: all problems are my fault. Relationship, personal, health, all are my fault.

[@lucygoose6237]

Me too, friend! Me too!

[@DM-gb9xq]

Exactly. He blamed me for all his health issues. It was my fault when he could not sleep, had a headache, had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, increased heart rate, erectile dysfunction and panic attacks. He never considered all of those things could be caused by all of his demons. But what do I know? He never wanted to hear my opinions any time.

[@cherylthompson5258]

After my divorce, nothing was my fault.

[@knarf_on_a_bike]

@@cherylthompson5258 now you're talking! 😀

[@judyjones6304]

Of course. Lawyers believe it.

[@hawaiihaha09]

My husband, during a particularly tough time, said to me insultingly “You’re not like me”. And, as in your concluding remarks, I thought to myself at the time, “You are absolutely right and I thank God every day.” And I still do.

[@lindabermudez-hafer5440]

The Narc in my life BRAGS that he is NOT NORMAL 😳😱🙄😂😂😂 He thinks, nay BELIEVES, that makes him special!

[@robertataylor5794]

Thats what I always think. They do not have control of your thoughts lol.

[@robertataylor5794]

These people ought to remember ...as PT Barnum says, you can fool some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, but never, all of the people, all of the time.

[@vol.9543]

I don’t think narcissist care about being right. They are desperate for worship regardless and find weak people to agree with them. They bond through insecurities and that’s why they need to criticize and bring you down to thier low level. Their morals are not better than anyone else’s.

[@elizabethclarkson979]

VoL. you are correct narcissists care less about being right or what they care more so about NOT BEING WRONG Which in a backhanded way sort of says they care about being right but that is not totally true because if it were then they would be able to highlight ways in which both parties are correct but since narcissistic behavior tends to be black and white in its thinking, For most people that would be right or wrong but with narcissists it’s you are wrong I am not wrong

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

They care about winning- and you losing. Everything is a game to them.

[@meganmoore9811]

@@Nancy-yw1rr yes.

[@kesmarn]

@@Nancy-yw1rr You nailed it.

[@isabelleparise5607]

@@Nancy-yw1rr so true one day the narc one of my parent told me I will win. Its only a game of mind control they have.

[@rightnow5839]

Thanks for another great video Dr. Carter. 😃 Watch a clip from from Dr. Carter a day, to keep the Narcissist at Bay....LoL, Keeping a sense of humor also is good coping skill in these situations. It took me YEARS, to give up on the reasoning with., and every now n then I still try and I’m quickly reminded that it’s pointless because of course I don’t know anything, ( in the mind ( the alternate reality) of this person) Your videos remain the most helpful thing in dealing with narcissistic behavior and thinking. 💗 🙏

[@avgonyma1]

Sometimes, you analize why something in life didn't go well, and see that there are some rational explanations for it. Narcissist are high control people, don't think about your feelings, have low empathy, are manipulators, tend to exploit. They don't just give rational explanationa, but are master rationalizers (manipulators, that are trying to sidestep responsibility). Because they have such a difficult manner of relating, you don't get along with them well. These are 6 rationalization patterns that you might recognise: 1. There are few people on this planet equal to me. You are not one of them. 2. Their rationalization for not appologizing for their behaviour, thoughts, feelings, is that their ways are the best and it's all your inaptitude that created the thing that went wrong (in their mind they rarely make mistakes. They can not be human, as the rest of the people). 3. I see you as an unenlightened person, you will need guidelines and I will provide them. (You feel they are so critical and impossible to deal with). 4. They think your criticism of them is just due to your stupidity. They are just trying to say some helpful things. You should just stop and listen to them. They are trying to make you do better in life. (It's condecending. They have a need to stay superior) 5. You are just an "ungrateful" person. They have so much to offer you, and you're having problems because of not being grateful. You should just thank them. 6. They feel they are very capable of good relationships, the problem is your ineptitude, not their behaviour (they speak over you, are not cooperative, grouchy and critical, unavailable) that make a relationship with them impossible. The reasons are: 1. Their construction of a false narrative (they have an alternate reality). 2. They can not show they are human or equal to the rest. 3. They are trying to maintain a false superiority. What you can do to not get pulled deeper into the tension: 1. You will not be able to reason with an unreasonable person. (You think there is psichopathology, they are not making sense, they don't know what you're talking about) 2. Your attempts to reason will be met with pushbacks. They will not be reasonable. But you don't need to taketheir misstreatment. I you can still have assertiveness. (I know that's what you think, nonetheless these are decisions I make etc). Your firmness will not depend on agreement/concensus with them but on your sense of resolve. 3. Some times they will be cooperative, but that's not a sign of maturity, because maturity is shown in the mids of disagreement. 4. These people can't function any other way. You need to decide what are better alternatives for you (separation). So separate physically, or separate your emotions and feelings.

[@elizabethclarkson979]

Oh, I have declared the upcoming year 2020 as the year of ownership. Ownership of words ownership of actions and ownership of behavior. Both my own and that of others. That is my goal for the year to accept nothing less from myself or from others then the kind, humane, and respectful ownership of words, Thoughts, actions, and behaviors

[@boomerangsruckflug8513]

I'd like to add: self-love! As soon as we're able to love ourselves, we'll never accept bad behavior towards us anymore! Merry Christmas 🙋

[@sherrim4067]

2020 better vision better knowing! Thank you sharing 2020 has to be a better year.

[@brookescott9598]

What a caring and wise way to keep putting one foot in front of the other to grow in integrity. I admire your resolve and sent out a prayer for you. I am writing your comment in my journal. My prayer for myself is to aim for these commitments daily reviewing my progress daily. Thank you. Have a blessed New Year.

[@GullerudGallery]

Well said .. And thanks dr. C for another video that spells things out in a way we can all digest. Happy new year.

[@hawaiihaha09]

Totally agree.

[@DavidDrummondTX]

You nailed it on the grateful one. I'm still told I wasn't grateful enough for everything they might have done for me over the last 20 years. Yes, they keep a list and bring it up frequently.

[@TheNikki284]

Yep. I get that list read to me almost daily. Feels great!

[@lucygoose6237]

Hahaha I was kicked out on graduation day (high school) because I didn't "appreciate" their treatment. They were abusive!!!!

[@twopurringcats]

My elderly covert narc dad was at a family friend's party I attended last night. He interrupted me whenever I spoke. He has that deep need to be the center of attention and people paying attention to me really bothers him. I calmly said, in front of everyone, "Dad doesn't like me having opinions". He shot back, "That's not true". "Yes it is, I said back in a firm but friendly manner as everyone laughed. He stewed in hate as I finished what I was saying. People listened to and supported me. He made an off color remark about people of different races later on in the conversation and nobody responded, a bit shocked. Soon after, he abruptly left. He isn't the brilliant God he thinks he is and his fragile ego can't handle anything perceived as rejection. It was a good party, despite him. I felt good, not letting him hijack my conversation. He cannot control me. I wasn't mean or disrespectful. Just stuck to the facts. He cannot argue with facts.

[@maryannesweet8824]

They refuse to she gracefully hey?

[@lucygoose6237]

Carolyn - you ROCK!!! Good for you for standing up in a crowd. I am going to reflect on your strength in your story when I'm in a similar situation! Thanks for sharing! God Bless you!

[@Star-dj1kw]

I’m sorry your father tried to overshadow you. I could relate so much to your story ☹️. Big hugs.

[@surferdude4487]

Sadly, the narcissist I know can and does argue with facts. No matter how much objective truth supports my position, I will never be right in her opinion.

[@amandawahl9325]

Good for you for sticking up for yourself👍 Great attitude❗❗❗

[@tjbrown6019]

It is so funny. I try to be my best self, and I stand by my actions and am responsible for what I say and what I do. The narcissist has all the same aspirations with no accountability, no reliability, and a bad track record of not learning from failures. The narcissist is all lip service with no fruit. To defend that false reality, they do these irrational behaviors. My favorite: "It's your way or the high way!" When they lose a logical argument. My response: "Yes. When your success rate matches mine, we can negotiate this further. Until then, no, I am not doing what you tell me to do. Then comes the nitpicking and bitter criticism, but my track record remains good, and they are a living tornado. Live by your own convictions and let the rest fall where it may.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So well stated. I love the strength this represents. Dr. C

[@SteveWrightNZ]

9:15 The narcissistic environment is an ideal training ground for your personal development. It might feel uncomfortable, but most personal training with any depth WILL feel uncomfortable, so get to working on your own life. If you can get up to the point where you are almost immune to narc attacks, you will be well versed to cope with anything the world can throw at you, thats for sure, so start work on yourself today.

[@malinkywoos]

And when the time comes...complete and move on.

[@bw2442]

Yeah and A mine field will train you to be sensitive where you walk, up to a point.

[@mandolaa]

Exactly! It's the ideal environment to stand up for yourself, clear your vision and believe only YOUR truth

[@ruthjones5557]

I’ve had many a person say to me, “you’re not like me.” My stock response is “well that’s because I’m me and you are you and we’re not meant to be alike, and we don’t need to be alike to get along.”

[@catherinepraus8635]

Thank you you give me faith that there is a better way, just left my Covert narcissist husband after 21yrs of abuse emotionally and mentally, which is the worst because people around me say,oh you've been together so long,which i tell them would you tell me to go back if i had black eyes broken limbs? No of course not ,you'd tell me to call the cops still very troubled but NOT enough to go back this time, so thank you for getting me through the toughest day's of my life🥰 i got a puppy it helps lol

[@gloriamaryhaywood2217]

Just remember that they aren't the ones who endured those 21 frigging years of mental and emotional abuse!! Stay strong and stay connected to other strong and loving people!!! You GOT This!!!👊☺😎

[@sherrim4067]

I'm proud of you and wow will 2020 be a breakout year for you, so many things to look forward to. Enjoy your new dog!

[@christinejohnson537]

I had the same thing when I had to leave my social group because of my narc ex. They also said ,’Just come along and smile.’ ‘Stand next to him and pretend nothing has happened.’ Nobody believed me about him and they choose to carry on supporting him. I also asked whether they would still be cheering him on if I had had a year’s worth of broken limbs and bruises. It made no difference. They didn’t want to know. I lost everything and he is still there untouched. It has been very difficult to accept that people don’t care but I am in a much healthier mental state without having to witness his manipulating everyone. A puppy is a delightful solution. Well done.

[@iopiachereitalia9792]

The man I broke up with would brag his deceased wife would like rough sex and would scream uncontrollably. This was not a condition for me and the cruelty was not acceptable. In the same tone, he would say his wife was a poor sick person. He would go to counseling once or twice and then put it back on her, because ‘she’ was the sick one. He said his two boys, now men were handicapped. Yet. he insisted she went through nursing school, while he raised them. Then, he would tell me how he was an expert parent. He also would say he was an expert nurse and comment on all medical issues. He had a Bible he bought for his wife that had the DATE he said she became a Christian. I am thankful to have walked away from all of the covert ways he is and was. Dr. Carter, we need more support and recognition on malevolent covert behaviors. I am finding these actions trite, evil, and diabolically twisted. No one deserves disfunctions that are so calculated.

[@iopiachereitalia9792]

I reread your post, again. The road is much better you are on. You stay strong. Keep a camera with you or a voice recorder if you are set off by flying monkeys and as Dr. Carter says keep a list of all they ‘Why’s not to go back. The puppy is trainable and loving. You will make it. Christ did not forget you, but He gives the narcissist a long rope and the changes this person could seek. However, he did not. His malevolent ways will be exposed. Walk with your head high and any threat of your safety, post on here, with 911, get a court restraining order and if he shows up on your property ask Officers to issue this person a criminal trespass. This trespass you can take to the court to strengthen your filing for a protective order. Not all Judges will file this for whatever reasons, so please, use your area support legal group. None of us have easy answers in these sad scenarios. However, your prayers are important and maintain your vigilance of good thoughts and work to put back in society where others need support, too.

[@lainynicks502]

Get ready they all come out at Christmas anything to cause chaos when you need it the least ps merry Christmas DR Carter 🎄🎄🎄🎅

[@Chahlie]

I understand that I need to cut all narcissistic people out of my life and avoid new ones, but I really find watching these videos difficult as I get so many flashbacks and then feel stupid (of course!) for not knowing better. As damaged as I am, I am very grateful that I have the exact opposite of my mother's personality traits. Happy Christmas everyone!

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

Wishing you all the best for a 2020 healing process!

[@alcudiababe1]

Your not stupid you just battle a great fight within you sending love and many hugs ❤️ xxxx

[@lindsay6518]

Its hard to avoid narcissistic people these days. It seems like they are unavoidable now that I have learned about them I see them everywhere.

[@catherinepraus8635]

I know the feeling of feeling stupid but we're not thats a lie they tried telling us don't believe it put your head up when you walk down the street your worth it

[@miasma5552]

The fact that you were not twisted into a narc yourself is proof that you're a decent insightful person. I've met others that I discovered had a very narcissistic parent or two and ended up being heavy in narc tendencies themselves and had cluster B type disorder symptoms. They didnt have the capacity to cope with the narc abuse (or were overly praised) and developed a false ego

[@bernadetterichard6796]

Thank you ! You are a wise counsel! I am learning a lot listening to you. Merry Christmas !

[@farahmohammed1963]

What a perfect retort: “You’ve got that right!!” Thank you Dr. Les, for these excellent words of wisdom. I am finally experiencing mental & emotional separation, and it feels glorious & so empowering!! All the best to you and yours for 2020. I eagerly await your future videos. They are so beneficial, educational and inspiring!! Thank you for all the good work that you are doing!🌺😇💕🌷

[@wendellignatin1228]

my mother is a covert narcissist.She was the queen of rationalization. She would always reverse things,by making the abuse about me.sometimes it was verbal abuse.Sometimes it was making me do things that i did not want to do.It was always about her projecting her own insecurities onto me.

[@nanabarker8140]

Same here.

[@wendellignatin1228]

You must be a very insecure person.You must be hurting on the inside.You must not like yourself very much.I pity you.

[@wendellignatin1228]

you are very much mistaken megan. people like you always see the best in the worst people.It makes me sick.up yours bitch!

[@MellisaDormoy]

I love your soothing energy! Thank you for always teaching us so much and sharing your knowledge.

[@brettfoster6786]

A narcissist life is a train wreck . jump clear and RUN .

[@jenk6895]

Yep. Every single person around them is crazy LOL! Chaos follows them everywhere...they’re just the victims 😂

[@MJ-od5sh]

Yes with Multiple carriage pile up down a slippery embankment

[@rockitscience7585]

"I can be agreeable with anybody when things go exactly the way I want", hahaha, priceless.

[@sherrim4067]

My blood pressure goes up when I heard the 6 rationalizations. With the upcoming holidays, and it a busy one in the seafood business, that I run. I came home to a list of things I needed to do or " neglected to do". He actually wrote that on the list. Wow speak about agenda driven, #3. I sometimes thinks he needs staff and not a wife. It was a list I knocked out, in an hour. Even filling the bird feeders with a flash light in the dark. I believe he thinks of me as a "5 year old" and not a 50 year old who manages her life well. I just say " I'm living the dream" and hey at least I made the birds happy. If you are married to a narc remember your time is never as valuable as theirs. The second flaw they have is why do something that they can pester or shame someone else to do for them? I see through it. They don't ask, but they certainly like to direct and micro manage.

[@2gooddrifters]

Spot on.

[@francinesmith8109]

Wasting life with a narcissist is a mismanagement of a life. Yes?

[@kesmarn]

I have found that they love authority, but they hate responsibility. There's such a big difference.

[@sherrim4067]

@@sanjon2778 hey San, that's awful. You can " earn your keep" in your own house. Next time he would.shake his ass at me, make sure you have him stand by a door so you can push his ass in the street and lock the.door. I know I shouldn't say that, but I hope I made you smile. Remember your company is a blessing to this man, there is no " earning.your keep" you are a star and wonderful person made by God. Find comfort in the things you do well, and if he does not value that, you have the answer about the husband you have and what you can do. I just wish I was strong enough to apply it to my own life. Blessings to you in 2020.

[@lucygoose6237]

Hahaha the value of time!!! Yes!!! Or whatever the fruits of that exceptionally valuable time may be. "I work 40 hours a week!" Good for you! Chris Rock has a cookie waiting for you, as your reward.

[@rightnow5839]

Oh and Merry Christmas Dr. Carter!! How is Gus doing???????

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for the holiday greeting. Gus is festive, he's been staying at home a bit more lately, keeping my wife company. He'll be back! Dr. C

[@keith2218]

Surviving Narcissism We miss Gus. God bless you Dr. C

[@wandah9468]

The number one thing I was robbed of for so long was. CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS Number one.

[@demigaines5644]

Thank You For Sharing Narcissists Are Very Manipulative They Never Take Accountability For There Abuse Towards You. They Avoid Responsibility . They Believe You Are Beneath Them. The Abuse Is On Going It Never Ends..Narcs Give You A Choice Either Play Their Game Or Go Insane!!!

[@rightnow5839]

Demetria Gaines Lol, I get what you mean but actually playing their game is what will make you insane....I know because I went nuts literally , and slowly regained help when I just quit playing. 😃

[@Ski7440]

They’re a effing nightmare and just love to argue , blame, attack, defend, and criticise , and do their best to make you feel less than and shamed.

[@kimgordon3695]

5:10

[@doggi120]

Today was such a horrible day for me with my partner. I just came across you today from someone elses posts. Thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always wrong and walking on eggshells with his feelings.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Stick with us. I hope you can maneuver through this safely! Dr. C

[@LL-eg4er]

When we first met, he would introduce me to his friends and quickly add that “she’s a lawyer “. Over time, it seemed to bug him that I was. During the final years with him, he would stop me mid sentence to tell me that I don’t know what I was talking about. He kept doing that, no matter what I said. I became quiet, there was no point. People noticed the change, my friends asked me what was going on. Then, I saw your videos and everything became clear. He was in control over me. I devoured your videos in secret, and found the courage to walk out. Thank you! I am me again. So grateful to you dr Les.

[@robertataylor5794]

I have become so... quiet.

[@Amelia-jf6ju]

This happened to me as well. I’m still in law school but he would brag about me to his family. His Mom would tell me congrats on getting an A when I never told her. He would go brag about my successes to make himself look good. Yet, behind closed doors, he NEVER showed support. He would insult my dream of becoming a lawyer. Even told me he doesn’t want to hear me talk about my class stuff. He would say things like: “you’re so smart but you don’t act like it”; “if I wanted to, I could become a lawyer”; “yeah you can’t wait to make good money so you can buy expensive stuff”; “you’re going to be a crooked lawyer”. I mean it was like he was jealous of me but I didn’t want to believe it.

[@LL-eg4er]

Amelia, get out now.. It is only going to get worse. My ex used to say that lawyers are trained to lie. He never believed a word I said to him. If I told him anything, I had to bring proof that what I said was true. If I said it’s a nice day out, I better have a picture on my phone to prove that it really was a nice day... but in the meantime he was the biggest liar you would ever find. No, I regret every moment I spent with that guy. Dr. Les saved me from a lifetime of unhappiness.

[@eierinjhoi]

@@Amelia-jf6ju when I excitedly told mine that I got a perfect grade in one of the courses I took at grad school, he told me point blank, why are you telling me this? You know your grad school is not important to me. You can't make money by going to school. You know I don't approve of you going to grad school. It was one of my wake up calls

[@brendamitchell-henderson4592]

@@eierinjhoi amazing how they ALL say and do the same evil things-

[@dickensrivers9862]

Q. how many narcissists does it take to turn off a light? A. why on earth would narcissists ever want to turn the light off of themselves!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Ok, that's a good one! Dr. C

[@dickensrivers9862]

@@SurvivingNarcissism thanks doc...consider that attempt at a joke evidence that you've helped me get to a better mindset....you're awesome

[@amandawahl9325]

😃

[@susancosgrove7821]

Love your humour on such a toxic subject. Thanks again for your videos and the peace your bring me. Im doing 'me' more and more and loving the freedom the insights have given me. A sort of 'Whoo Hoo'.... as I'm still a work in progress. Love Sue x 😚

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks again, Sue! Dr. C

[@sw9172]

So many helpful insights... I appreciate this insight: "Maturity is shown in the midst of disagreements." I also find helpful: "Drop your shock..." about the narcissist's problematic behavior. Narcissists live in a false reality. You can't reason with them. Thank you Dr C.

[@lisapurnell2064]

My husband either plays the roll of an inpatient father and treats me like I'm the child or he will act like the little child wanting a mother to baby him and do everything for him. Either way, it's all about him, and if I dont go with his flow he gets irritated, catches attitudes, and gets angry with me.. so it's usually all the time because I don't want to play into the dysfunctioal mess that is always leaving me feel less than, because my feelings are never regarded.

[@1lizromero]

The ending is the BEST. "You're never going to be like me." "You got that right!" :D :D :D

[@grayrockaroundtheclock9937]

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard them say “ i’m not the kind of person who would do that thing you’re accusing me of” well completely neglecting to address the fact that they were doing it at that moment

[@TheNikki284]

Yes!! I seriously need to videotape her denying doing the things that she's DOING AT THAT ACTUAL MOMENT.

[@l.5832]

Yes. It's like they were standing outside themselves observing their behaviour rather than owning their behaviour. I reminded my mom of a particularly cruel thing she said. She replied "That doesn't sound like something I'd say". It's like she was checking her script and couldn't find it. The imagined image is not corresponding with the being they are....

[@jenk6895]

YESSSS!!! Or “I never would have said that “....welp, you DID!

[@denellelloyd1280]

My ex has been hovering me for a little over 3 weeks now and he is bound and determined he's going to get an apology out of me because he swears up and down that my daughter was rude and hateful and disrespectful to him and I talked ugly about him and allow people to talk ugly about him and don't defend him that's just one of the many things I've dealt with he asked me just the other day if I was willing to get back with him not just for Christmas but forever and I told him I really don't think so too much has been said between the two of us, he calls me delusional tells me I will be single for the rest of my life tells me that he got asked out on a date, which I really don't care, and says I'm the one who is the problem, that all of this is because of me. it's frustrating and I'm trying to let it go because he just refuses to acknowledge any fault of his. He is not a very smart narcissist because in all honesty when he starts getting me to the point where I'm starting to questioned my decision for leaving he pulls crap like this again and I realized that was the best thing I could have done, it's these videos and other support groups for narcissistic abuse survivors that are really helping me to stay strong. thank you for sharing

[@iopiachereitalia9792]

Please, list all these issues and refrain from talking to him...

[@angellollar1083]

Finding you and Laura, and purchasing her book Ugly Love that just came in the mail yesterday, has been the best Christmas present ever. Well, except for my Cinderella watch when I was 9 years old and my pink banana seat bicycle when I was six! God bless you and may 2020 be the best year yet!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I don't mind coming in behind the Cinderella watch and the banana bike. Dr. C

[@toronto416.]

"Maturity is shown in the midst of disagreements"

[@LarissaBedrick]

The need for profuse and immediate gratitude and appreciation for Every. Little. Thing. Holy crap. The snide “You’re Welcome” if you didn’t offer the appropriate expression of thanks within the appropriate amount of time for whatever of their gifts they have bestowed upon you. 🤮 You nailed all of these.

[@samantha5600]

I laughed so hard at this video. It's comical how right on this is! My ex was engaged to someone only a few short months after our divorce. He told me she was his soulmate and did everything I was supposed to do. Can't wait for that bubble to pop. I am grateful for this channel and all the healing it has helped me with 🙏

[@karlashmeedavlasta6365]

Yiu cannot clear the simpelest things with them. All this drama about nothing.

[@mrp8173]

So true it's all about them. It's all so very sick and sad

[@jenk6895]

Exactly! They immediately get defensive, turn it into an argument and then accuse YOU of starting fights. It’s ridiculous. It’s like “nnnnno...we should be able to talk about small things without throwing tantrums like a two year old...” LOL

[@nyar2352]

I am currently in treatment for CPTSD due to years of sexual abuse by my narc mother and whoever gave her enough money. The last narc I was in a relationship with honest to god told me he is not in therapy because his troubles are so difficult and special that no therapist in the world can help him. I was simply stunned.

[@fembot521]

My mother says “I can say this to other people without any issues, people have said this to me and I don’t get offended, you are just too SeNsItIVE”!! Heard this my entire life.

[@justqallmealice]

I’ve gotten so used to seeing Gus, that I miss his fuzzy face when he’s not there. ❤️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

He'll be back! He's been spending time at home with my wife, and I have to arm wrestle her each morning to see who gets to have Gus for the day. Sh'e been winning lately. Dr. C

[@ofhismercy109]

@@SurvivingNarcissism you might need one more pet😁 God bless you for sharing your wisdom, I am starting to understand where my mother is coming from, and why our relationship has been so strained for a while. She is 82 this year, and she is now under the strain of raising my emotionally unwell niece. She seems to become angrier(at me) and more critical as the time passes. I have been encouraging her to receive Christ for years, and she is in the peculiar position of thinking of herself as a Christian, whilst simultaneously rejecting Jesus' offer to receive the Holy Spirit. She doesn't believe in that. She says Lutherans don't do that. So I feel that her deep anger and resentment towards me is coming from that place of me knowing her real spiritual situation....I see past her mask. I see so many traits of NPD in her, but I really believe there is a massive spiritual battle going on around and about her, too. I don't know what I can do besides pray for her salvation. I am so very thankful for you and Laura, and your work. I look forward to reading your book, Doc. Have a lovely holiday both you and yours.

[@jessybeeckman375]

@@SurvivingNarcissism lol

[@Michaelgracon]

Surviving Narcissism Keep up the good fight. Gus is really cute and a fun addition to your videos.

[@You_can_do_itt]

Merry Christmas to everyone ❤🥂🎅🎄. Don't let any narc destroy our mood these days.

[@Suzu52]

Too late for that, but it will be the LAST one..........Merry Christmas and healing to us all in 2020!

[@tammyd.furman4099]

Thank you for your videos. They have really helped me recognize my husband as narcissistic. I recently left him and am trying to find "me" again. I spent over 33 years in an abusive relationship. Now I'm free.

[@Herbs-4-life]

Sometimes a covert narcissist will apologize but it Is just a weak sorry with nothing behind it. Then there’s the argument that you are the only one I have a problem with acting as though the problem is with me.

[@Punkpsychobilly]

When I would argue facts and logic against my (narc) ex fiancé, instead of admitting that she was wrong, she would say “you might be right, but you’re not right for me.” One of the biggest cop out lines ever. But that was just it, everything was either her way or no way at all. I’ve never seen a person with an absolutely “black or white, wrong or right” view on everything in life. And a completely skewed view at that. She was the one who determined whether or not it was wrong or right, and all logic and factual reasoning was out the window. It was one of the most emotionally damaging things I have ever experienced in my life, and I feel for anyone currently going through this hell.

[@photoprescott2499]

❤️ Thank you for all your videos ❤️ Merry Christmas

[@misschievous5071]

This describes my father to a T Also, the X husband of 30+ yrs. 50 yrs of dealing with very difficult men. I would love to meet a STRONG man someday..........

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

Meet Jesus! Now!! 👍👍

[@chrisb4653]

Thank you so much! I don't have the words but listening to your clear and sensitive ones helps me a lot. My mind is confused, past and present mixed up, so tired I stopped working but loneliness is a cocoon, listening to your so helpful and coherent , compassionate speeches is a real and concrete relief. I sometimes take notes of what you say. Thank you again,

[@marthaokelley9360]

I can't work either because I am sooo traumatized and have horrible flashbacks and nightmares. Narcissism when it is your daughter, and your OWN SISTER who lives in your daughter's basement and turning your 3 grandchildren against you with the help of your evil ex husband? I pray EVERY DAY . . Jesus help me. Jesus help me. The suffering is enormous. Debilitating.

[@elizabethclarkson979]

Dr. Carter you are the best thank you so much for your videos. I have been watching them for quite some time and I am now to the point in watching them wear I actually use things that you have said in your presentations to guide my words and my actions in order to better relate with people. I also I am able to use a lot of your wisdom and little tricks and tips on how to avoid returning narcissistic behavior when I am dealing with a narcissistic person. Because as I believe you have told us many people after long-term dealings with a narcissistic person especially a parent and or a partner, you tend to start responding back to them the way that they dealt with you or approached you and that makes you not only question whether you are a narcissist yourself but it also gives the narcissistic individual a wider birth in getting you to believe their untruths about You and further conform to their reality as opposed to remembering your own.

[@sherrim4067]

Happy holidays to Dr. Carter and to all the folks who comment. Your words have added clarity to my life and thank you for.your friendship and wisdom. I pray all of.us have a better year in 2020.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much, Sherri. Having this channel has been such a blessing for me, thanks to people like you! Dr. C

[@sherrim4067]

@@SurvivingNarcissism your welcome now go and enjoy your family, Dr. C.

[@anng.4542]

What about a woman whose says that she can't stand the sound of my voice. She insists that I "sound snooty". Recently when I made a small request ("Excuse me, I need to get a pot from this cabinet") she told me the words I should have used instead, and that she was simply trying to "help" me. When I responded that you just have to accept people for who they are, and that you can't fix people, she reacted loudly: "Oh, SHUT UP!"

[@jacquefleshman6158]

All so true. Sadly I have no contact with my son or grand daughter. It was just easier than dealing with drama and judging and lies our daughter in law dished out. So sad after moving 1000 miles to be closer to them and I asked before I moved if they were sure it was ok. They said of course, it will make it easier to take care of you when you need care. I haven't seen them twice this year. The care won't come from them. I really want to move back.

[@maryli2049]

What I hear all the time is... " I take on very well with everyone, so you must be the problem..." 🙄

[@s7449]

Instead of saying they are sorry, they say..." I'm sorry that you felt"... or, "that you feel".... 😒🙄

[@julienewkirk2194]

S or they say...”I don’t know what you want me to say. Whatever it is I have done to you I apologize and am deeply sorry. I need to know what exactly you are so upset with me about.” This is what my mom said after I told her exactly what she has done to me. She replies that she needs to know exactly what it is?!!

[@s7449]

Right!!! They are total nightmares who think that you are crazy when it's them who are off!!!

[@sduskybutterflyk3720]

@@julienewkirk2194 Boy, does that ever sound familiar!

[@deborahelaine9985]

@@julienewkirk2194 or some might want to use any information you give them against you at some time.

[@julienewkirk2194]

Deborah Elaine yes, my mom & sisters use information they get against me. I stopped telling them anything and they get mad about it. They think there is something wrong with me. Nope, I just don’t want to be emotionally and verbally abused, so I’m protecting myself!

[@judymccarthy9423]

That's so right. Narcissists are fine when there are no problems and life is PERFECT and on their terms. My mother was like this. If anything went wrong it was like the sky was falling in . Everything was a catastrophe. There was no distinction between a small problem or a huge problem. Any problem was responded to in the same manner. I remember as a young child watching my mother and father both catastrophizing about something quite trivial and asking myself "Who is the child here?" As a teacher I often had children in my classes who were more emotionally grown up than their parents .I think it amazing how often the children of Narcissists can understand and see their parent(s) patterns , and although their lives are painful, they don't play out the same games as their parents, and they go on to lead healthy emotional lives. Where does this innate wisdom come from? I have often been staggered by the wisdom of children. I consider the years I spent with children to have been an honour. I certainly learned as much from them as they did from me. AND I discovered PLAY and laughter. How lucky was I eh? Of course not all children are this lucky, or they have too much pain to deal with, so seeing and understanding and being able to step outside and see the reality of their situation is not possible. That's why it is so fabulous that there is this new knowledge for us to access. Watching and learning from your videos has helped me to heal my past in a way I had not thought possible. Thank you SO MUCH.

[@tedschmitt178]

Narcissists cannot be reasoned with, and they disregard simple logic if it disagrees with their agenda. If they have an affair, it’s because they deserved to do it. If they lie, it’s because they had to do to cover up a wrongdoing that they thought they deserved to do.

[@joywebster2678]

Beachside?

[@sophialove7245]

My experience has been: I had an affair AND **YOU** MADE ME DO IT!!

[@gloriamaryhaywood2217]

@@joywebster2678 Auto-correct strikes Again! I think he was actually typing the word 'because.'😁

[@marcirobins5144]

Amen to that!

[@tedschmitt178]

my desire Typo. It has been fixed. Sorry.

[@BEE-pe8hs]

I truly enjoy your content. Thank you so much for the informative content that helps me battle what I am going through.

[@lauriej.5706]

I was an abused adopted child. Adoptees are the only children who not only must sometimes endure abuse, but are told they must be grateful for it. Everyone says so.

[@myriamdimakopoulou6299]

The sooner we get to know what narcissism is the better we manage to defend ourselves. « When you know better you do better ». The narcissist I spent 6 years with was absolutely megalomaniac. He would speak to me using damaging comparisons. I went out of this toxic relationship, since then I enjoy my worth a little bit more each day. So now I can tell you without a doubt that if a kick in the ass was enough, he'd be on the moon by now...my apologies

[@stuartpierce121]

Thank you for all your hard work. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Thanks Jennifer ⛄🌲🎅🌲

[@wisdomfromgeorge1704]

Merry Christmas Dr Carter... thank you so much for your wisdom and for your support XOXO God bless you and your family

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much! Dr. C

[@TheAncksunamen]

Merry Christmas Dr. Carter. Thank you for your hard work, dedication, education, caring and willingness to help us all get through this. Wishing you and your family a happy, healthy, Christmas. My love and thanks to you and hugs to sweet Max. 🥰♥️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Shelly! I so appreciate how you are working at it. Dr. C

[@TheAncksunamen]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Dr. C. I'm happy to say shortly after my mother died last month, I gave therapy one last ditch effort after horrible experiences with the 5 I had. I found an AMAZING therapist and I feel like I'm finally getting the help I needed. But I'm beyond grateful to you for the path of guidance you've helped me on and I always want you to be a part of my journey. I'm so thankful to you. 😊

[@mightydragon663]

Thank you for acknowledging that you can't always just walk away or go no contact. The aging narcissistic parent is particilarly challenging and your videos have been so helpful in identifying and navigating the traps and snares. Thank you for taking the time to make them. Happy Holidays

[@TheNikki284]

Completely agree. No contact is not an option for me. Trapped indefinitely, seeking day-to-day coping skills.

[@l.5832]

@@rockstarofredondo Yes. Just when I was ready to go no contact with my ex, my divorce lawyer quit because I caught her over charging. Trying to get new counsel but have to handle everything myself until then. I keep getting drawn back in.....

[@opinionatorX]

I will say it every video...There is only one sure way to stop a narc. LEAVE!!! If you have kids involved or married..Make an exit plan and let the law work for you. But don't waste time by staying. Make your plan ASAP! It won't get any better.

[@opinionatorX]

@@BL-rb7jm Be strong and keep moving forward 👍🏾

[@opinionatorX]

@@sonderman8079 You'll just have to co parant under the law the best way you can. At least you will be done with the relationship. Document all you can now on her. It may come in handy later

[@avril4421]

Thankyou. My ex is trying to reel me in again as his new relationship is not working. He is very surprised that i am not ready to tolerate life as it was. I’ve declared myself to be a free, independent woman, with no obligations to him whatsoever. We can chat easily on the phone, but he is now asking for my help and reaffirmation of our old relationship to discard the new woman. Definitely not going there, thanks, because, guess who will be blamed for his failure. Yup me, because nothing he can do us wrong.. very hard to deal with all this because I love the-man still, but I will not engage with his particular form of relationship which is a happily ever after story constructed entirely in his head . Sigh.

[@ansol68]

30 narcissist's have down voted this post so far. Naturally...

[@amorfati8084]

"You got that right" Amen! Thanks Les.

[@darlalong1957]

Going thru this during the pandemic is , especially trying... but, there is a blessing there...somewhere 🙄

[@kristenkz]

I was actually accused of being an “Ingrate “🤣

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

In a certain context, that might be correct, and that's not a bad thing. Dr. C

[@Jupe367]

Why are narcissist the way they are, is it genetic? Upbringing? I never encountered one until my recent two years. This person I know is exactly a true definition of a narcissist.

[@M_SC]

Oh thank you for saying the creation of a false narrative is a main feature.

[@hew195050]

Yes! My narc just sent an email after a blowout on xmas 6 paragraphs long!! He actually accused ME of saying what he actually said! I'm in disbelief! Wondering if he was in the same conversation at all!!

[@TheNikki284]

This is their hallmark: accusing you of saying the words that actually came out their mouths. These people are SUCH masters of projection and cognitive dissonance, it's actually scary. I've been in "arguments" (read: one-sided tirades) with my sister that have blown my mind clear out of my skull. I've actually said to her, "Well, I'm a little bit blown away right now because I had no idea we had a problem" and then she SCREAMS back to me at the top of her lungs, "OH, MY GOD!! WE DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!!! NOW YOU'RE JUST PISSING ME OFF!!!" If we don't have a problem, then why are you screaming your head off at me?!🤣 We can't win! I say burn the email- it's a load of crap and if you show it to them again later, they'll probably deny even writing it anyway!

[@thorr18BEM]

Drop the shock.

[@hew195050]

thorr18BEM good point. Denial is what causes the pain.

[@hew195050]

TheNikki284 it took me all these years to get this. All those years wasted on believing I was what he said I was. What a shame.

[@FrancesShear]

It's so sad when a target never escapes from the circle of control a narcissist makes around them. It has nothing to do at all with the target. The flying monkeys of the narcissist believe the target is all to blame for how inadequate the situation was addressed while believing the narcissist was a kind of tragic flaw folk hero type in comparison.

[@judybunch160]

Thank you Dr Carter, you are so spot on!!! It sounds like you are describing my son, exactly. He is a clone of his Dad. My ex. You help me always to understand... it is not “me”, but it is sad... he is 30, and we are opposite and distant. 😢 Thank you, you are GREAT!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Judy. Glad you are figuring it out! Dr. C

[@Bbslue7]

“Drop your shock” that’s perfect! Thank you for all the knowledge and help you give with your videos!

[@rblue977]

Help I need some advice, does anyone have experience with the narc sending you a gift in the hope of dragging you back into the relationship? Unexpectedly received a Christmas present from the narc and now I’d like to mail it back but know this will cause an explosion of rage, yet keeping it gives the appearance that everything is fine when it really isn’t. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It's called hoovering. I'm guessing a nice non-profit organization would like more gifts. Dr. C

[@kc3810]

maybe you can email the narc. state plainly that that their thoughtful gesture was appreciated but you still want to remain single. words in an email cannot be disputed or gaslighted as easily as during conversation. so be simple and clear in your wording. then consider changing your email, phone number and mailing address. you have to remain distant and only reply when absolutely necessary. reply with short comments. act disinterested. I realize that with a narc you can't win whether you do something or not. stay strong, good-luck.

[@rblue977]

K C thank you

[@kc3810]

check out Inner Integration KZbin channel that focuses on narc break ups. You might find some good ideas there, too.

[@carolinekingham7316]

As the eldest daughter of a narcissistic mother I grew up to be a confused woman, often thinking I must be crazy. I married a boy I met at school who was very similar to my mother in personality. Like her he was an ego maniac, always telling people about his amazing achievements (which weren't actually amazing at all) but never ever congratulating me for anything I did. That was fine, I was used to that. Was there some sort of security in the confirmation that I was worthless? As the years went by, and 3 children later, it dawned on me that my kids shouldn't have to put up with the crap they got from him. So we all left him. What happened? I was instantly suckered in by another narcissist who I've mentioned before in my reply to Dr C. He made our lives hell and it was my fault because I allowed it to happen. So saddened by how damn stupid I've been. I left him 2 years ago but my kids are all grown up now and I despair at the times I've missed with them because of my narcissistic prisons. How can I stop this happening again? I know I'm vulnerable but seem to only feel worthy of abuse

[@kc3810]

and what's weird is, my story is very similar to yours, the narc mother, the narc husbands, the kids I tried to protect from verbal abuse...I think I found familiarity in narcissism, having self-worth was out of my comfort zone, being put down and belittled at every turn meant someone was paying attention to me. It's too bad for us we didn't have Dr C on KZbin back then, but we can at least learn and improve now.

[@DFahey-ou1yc]

Do you see how much insight you have! You are much better off then you think. Do not get down on yourself now!!!

[@Chahlie]

You will have a long road ahead, but you've started on the right path. Do whatever it takes to stay strong- I've been using crystals, a salt lamp, even bottles of water with garlic cloves and bay leaves in to keep out the evil spirits. Sounds weird but we seriously need all the supports we can get! Flashbacks and memories do overtake sometimes and you just have to get out amongst normal people. Take care, and good luck, you're in a safe space here :)

[@nmc1859]

I spent YEARS hoping things could improve. I really believed in people's ability to CHANGE. I had no idea. I didn't know about narcissism per se and it is still difficult for me to grasp, but I'm getting better. And as I do, things are getting so clear. Now I just need to figure out how do I get out of this mess

[@zentient8840]

Just leave.

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

My marriage ended over five years ago. We had been married over forty years and he was insistent that it was all my doing and he had no part in it, because everybody loved him and I was difficult. He was convinced that he was a perfect individual.

[@martcichocki5571]

This discussion reminded me of my childhood, found myself growing frustrated with all the delusional illustrations & rationalizing. Thx for the reminders! DRC= dignity, respect & civility!

[@judith9047]

Hahaha love what you said at the end funny but so very true, I am not like my mother

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You got that right! Dr. C

[@judith9047]

@@SurvivingNarcissism amen

[@danziemke4429]

Great video thanks for all you do! I once had a narc girlfriend tell me one of my biggest problems was that I was way to optimistic

[@shandaken1]

No Contact, period. Difficult, not impossible

[@hotdogrelish]

You "are" a part of my journey. Thank you so much for your knowledge on this subject and for sharing it♡

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased! Dr. C

[@sarakovanda6639]

I wish someone would speak about how to deal with elderly narcissist parents, and the decision to either get away from them vs abandoning them when they are in an old folk’s home. I think it would help a lot of people, thank you

[@____Sonnie___]

Look for a book called children of the aging self absorbed by Nina W Brown

[@davidbrooks6599]

Great advice! I especially liked your suggestion to solidify yourself as an individual- as a veteran of the narcissist battlefield I can tell you this is the best way to stay sane. Also, I always try to remember that It’s never about me, and I should not expect anything from them not related to their own interests.

[@1ajtg]

Fantastic video Dr Carter, makes so much sense, thank you!

[@ytfeverguy8367]

fairness goes out the window with the narc. Get a lawyer and get in front of a judge or run away.

[@rogerlittreal642]

Thank you Dr Carter for sharing your valuable knowledge! Merry Christmas to you and your family!!

[@sarahm.8385]

My favorite is... "You will never find another person like me. There ain't many truthful mother fuckers out there...." Or he says to me.... "when I make a mistake...I'll let you know..." .... ... .. x_X Yeah... He for real says that bullshit..my response is usually ... "Will ya let me know...when you fuck up?? Will you...? Ha!" And... " Thank God! I pray I don't ever meet another person like you!" He hates that last one... pisses him off every time. Lol

[@janicefeny2223]

Dr. C, I'm sooo grateful for these affirmations you give (and the comments of other victims that match my experiences with the narc)! Makes me realize that it isn't just me who's made to feel 'stupid' when I state my opinion or share knowledge that they may not know. Love to you & family💗🎄

[@Chahlie]

It seems like a common them that we all feel stupid. I unconsciously tell myself a hundred times a day "I'm so stupid". It's a hard habit to break.

[@Honstein1971]

My narc is upset that so many people agreed with me on a topic that she called them “all the wrong people.” Hahaha ok crazy!