Freedom From A Narcissistic Parent

[@carparthero]

trying to leave a narcissistic family is like trying to leave a cult. the parents expect you to be an adult when you're a child and then treat you like a child when you are an adult. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@CamGoesCamping]

So true! We were told "we aren't children anymore." We reminded them that they are right so please allow us to make adult decisions. Silent treatment ensued...

[@annmariekeim9553]

It really is like leaving a cult. They even follow you to where you moved and try to keep the their dominance going. It really is a mental illness.

[@amberramsey5928]

Totally agree my husband recently went through this with his family. His mom is stuck on John 3:16.

[@carparthero]

@@amberramsey5928 "religious" narcissists belong to a next-level cult. they are the worst folks, and are the most hypocritical. they pretend to be angels for one hour on sunday, then pay tribute to the devil the rest of the week. -regards, steven

[@carparthero]

@@CamGoesCamping great comeback! enjoy the peace and quiet that the silent treatment unintentionally gives you. narcissistic parents don’t do what’s best for their children - they do what’s best for themself. narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves. they don’t recognize their children’s feelings unless it matches their own. i went no contact with my parents in 2007 and my only regret was not going no contact sooner. -cheers, steven

[@deebee4622]

A 90 year old narcissist will pathetically continue to infantilize their 70 year old offspring, resulting in never ending battles over boundaries.

[@ShaylaLove21]

Oh how awful, I’m 50 and I’m so had enough of it. It’s like they live forever feeding off our pain x

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad is 83, I am 61. He ignores my boundaries. I don't live with him...enough said! I ignore Dad!

[@sunbeagle9769]

You do not grow up and mature in these households, you survive.

[@9dehucey2df366]

Or, like my bro-in-laws-become a sociopath narcissistic persons as well. fun times! NOT =(

[@tbunnyshy1]

It’s true. Survival mode is nonstop. You are unable to focus or comprehend well in school.

[@icedcocoa221]

So true

[@Denise-y2c]

Amen!!!!

[@truthtriumphant]

Yep- it’s survival mode nonstop. No opportunity to truly grow and mature in a healthy, psychological and emotional way.

[@sharinielsen7985]

With a narcissist, you're either an enabler, or an enemy. Be prepared.

[@renata08888]

so true. I'm now an enemy and I'm proud of it.

[@introv3rt3dc4ctus]

Exactly! I came here to say that it feels like an endless war, even though I'm really peaceful and "live and let live" is my motto. However, as I said to my boyfriend the other day, since I'm being thrown into battle I want to win. It's exhausting. It's like I must cross my nparents intentionally because if I don't, then they assume they got the upper hand. I went into no contact with them for a couple of months last summer as I was pregnant with my first and wanted to make a strong statement, but I decided that it would be better and easier for me to control the situation if I resumed contact. Now they are obsessed with their first grandchild and I'm watching videos of ngrandparents, convinced that I won't ever leave my child alone with them. My dad said the other day about my child "I love him a lot." Knowing that he is incapable of true love, all my alarms went off. What he meant is "I love my new supply." Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Peace and love!

[@renata08888]

@@introv3rt3dc4ctus What I can advise you, trough my own experience, is not to accept the guilt they will try to put on you. That is how they catch us, through guilt. You can never win no matter what you do. Be safe! lots of love.

[@BSharp369]

Yes, and most of the time you’re simply an appliance they use. They demand of you to obey their wishes…but if you express a need, it’s usually rejected every time.

[@d.d.4306]

True ❤

[@thecatlikeprincess]

They can't let go, and they just want to be a dictator in your life.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad thinks he runs me, he's delusional! I am my own person and don't bend to his will. I don't live with him. I am 60. His reign of control ended the day I turned 18, he ignores that fact. I have nil to no-contact with him. It's working!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I deposed Dad by going no-contact, it's working!

[@suuzannahtegner4500]

I was reflecting the other day I never laughed as a child. There was no play. I remember hiding in the veggie patch with the cat wishing I wasn't alive. Both narc parents and narc siblings. I was the scapegoat. Physically and mentally abused....Finally my school intervened in a welfare check and I got guardians. I am 62 now. They shattered my emotional foundations and broke my heart. I didn't want children in case the abusive behavior was hereditary. I never ever wanted to do to a child what had been done to me.

[@randomisland2872]

Similar situation with me.

[@TheBlondiekitten]

It’s heartbreaking. Lots of love ❤

[@jaa499]

I heard something the other day about the child who with insight in greater quantities than their siblings, figures out the parents right away. That makes them the “scapegoat”.

[@Cocteautwinpeaks]

I understand, and I’m so sorry 💔 I wish you nothing but peace now

[@sueg2658]

I am so sorry. I can relate, I’m 73 now and I too spent a lot of my childhood hiding with my dogs. Be well.

[@mariaawake4502]

A narcissistic parent will toy with you even if you live on another continent. 😵‍💫

[@carmendominguezalfaya7578]

I, a mother, live in another continent. A narcissistic adult daughter, 45-50 years, who grew up with a very abusive narcissistic father, can also toy, destroy, a 75-80 year old mother who did the absolute best she could under the worst of circumstances!!

[@sylviacaldwell2139]

I BELIEVE IT!

[@Cozyposies]

@@carmendominguezalfaya7578why are you here? No accountability. YOU are the narcissistic mother and your daughters father was the enabler of your behavior. I can smell a NMom from a mile away. Go away and let us heal!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

❤

[@myisha9254]

So true!

[@amandahodge3809]

When my narcissistic father realized i wasn’t going to be controlled by him ,like a weakling, he threw in the towel on being a parent all together. I’ve realized it’s a him thing.. not a me thing. He experienced a lot of trauma when he was a child. And he never resolved that trauma. He has definitely shown me who I DO NOT want to be now that I’m a parent myself.

[@LibertyStation92106]

I identify with your thoughts.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad could barely be bothered when I was a kid. I don't bother with him now. Fair's fair! I am 61, he's 83. I went no-contact with him the day after Christmas 2024. He causes too much trouble.

[@wolfling2039]

I never got positive feedback from my mother but got plenty of negative feedback. I became an overachiever in search of approval that never came. For me, the knowledge that only God loves me the way I need to be loved has freed me from needing love from a parent that isn’t capable of it.

[@michelepascoe6068]

Yes, and He made us part of His beautiful family

[@haberdasher999]

Such a good point. And it took me 72 years(well, almost) to internalize this wonderful fact

[@TheBlondiekitten]

Yeah I pray ❤

[@tbunnyshy1]

So true. You are right. 🫂❤️ We can take care of ourselves and see that God is our loving parent.

[@Tru12240]

It’s amazing how a lot of those people live a long life. They suck energy and joy from you to feed their own sources…

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Ugh.

[@ShaylaLove21]

We wish they wouldn’t live so long, I wouldn’t ever say that about anyone else but a narc parent is a different level of evil.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Ironic, huh?!

[@michellehill718]

"The goal of healthy parenting is to teach responsible independence."✅

[@rogercyr1551]

Last year, when I turned 70, I was finally able to break my mother's control, I think once and for all...I've never felt better about everything as I do now.

[@juserbop2000]

Yep! They suck the life out of you until their candle reaches the end of their wick. Then, you get to breathe!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

@@juserbop2000 I stopped contacting my narc dad. What a great relief!

[@michellehill718]

"Dad/Mom (or Anyone else), I am not asking for your endorsement. I am explaining to you who I am."✅

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I don't want my narcissistic dad's permission or approval, at all.

[@moopius]

Jeez doc... I'm 60 and you described word for word my relationship with my mother. I watched one of your earlier videos where you said that narcisists hate it when you don't argue or submit but just say "whatever" and do what you want to do! This technique has saved me lots of grief and useless arguments.

[@LiveforHim73]

“ Whatever “ is a wordI used to avoid. But after 2 yrs of total passive aggressive attitude & verbal abuse. toward me. I walk off now… words. “Whatever” now works great. Cause I at a place my caring to make this relationship work and he don’t want it to because it HAS to be all his way as nothing is his fault, won’t listen to ideas. Not a team player at all. Brother thinks he’s the parent or boss now and we girls have to be in submission. I didn’t join his cult ! Oh Well! I’m free to do as I please now with a situation. I have too! I have to get it done! Enough is enough. Thank you Dr.C!

[@ladennayoung2939]

Yeah. I think they are accustomed to chaos. So they find peace and comfort in just that. So they will try to create that with others in order to feel comfort. It is a draining way to live, but unfortunately, they generally refuse to see what is wrong with that and will choose to keep functioning in that way of living and being.

[@TheOneTrueDare]

I had to go no contact with my parents when I was 18, even before finishing high school. Teachers and school secretaries took me in so I could finish school. They saw how bad my mom was and that I was a good kid who couldn't take it anymore. Years later, after my dad died, I tried to have a relationship with her. At first it was ok, but she quickly slid back to the controlling, condescending, contemptuous behavior. She kept trying to play her kids against each other, calling one to collect dirt to call another and spread as thick as she could. One night she called, drunk (as usual) and tried to draw me into some story about my oldest brother cheating on his wife. I said I thought it was inappropriate of her to talk about it to me. She flew into a rage and I hung up on her. She then redialed me over and over and I kept hanging up. Never spoke to her again.

[@bionicwoman9884]

I needed to get away from my narcissistic parent who tries to guilt trip me to go back to a pentecostal church and I don't want to be a part of them anyway.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

I do that a lot also. When “whatever” became a “thing” it was a no brainer for me to embrace it. There were times when I wasn’t that strong (or had a bad case of temp amnesia), but there were also times when I was. Now it’s low contact and me often just being facetious with them a lot. Lol. (Such as oh you’re a B or a rogue or a selfish princess or whatever…yes. Cool. Thanks. Ha ha. Flip my hair and carry on lol). Or if they say or imply something like “loser” I just kind of smirk and think….”Ya….So says the insane toddler 🙄.”

[@dixie6294]

I broke the mold,got help,raised my son un family therapy when he was young,and my boy is happy sucessful,loves and trusts me and is his authentic self. It can be done

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for this testimonial!!

[@TiffanyNikes-km5jd]

I was almost 30 years old living with my parent. I was manipulated into the role of house maid aka daughter. I eventually got tired of it and his response to me was when you live in my house then you will do what I say! 😪 Well I left! I was cut out off their will even against my Mother's wishes by him. I am doing my best now given that betrayal and I can be respected! Starting with self respect first. Love to all my family. You are loved. ❤❤

[@andreacook6000]

What an absolute control freak he is! I hope you are finding your way to freedom and independence more and more each day. I’m 51 now and just really starting to have a life of freedom. It’s like I’m learning things a lot of people already know how to do. I have started doing a degree and had to teach myself a lot of different things to be able to do it. No one ever did homework with me as a child or took all that much notice of how I was coping at school. Step by step we can do it and get there. I’m so glad you left and went out into the world. They don’t help us to become prepared for it, so we have to teach ourselves. I’m so sorry for all the loss you have experienced because of this person and I’m sending you love and encouragement.

[@TiffanyNikes-km5jd]

Miss Andrea, Your experience leaving them parallels mine so much. It is good to know there are still kind and loving people out here in this world ✨ Your kindness is pure magic.

[@TiffanyNikes-km5jd]

​@@andreacook6000 Beautiful words of encouragement! Ty! Best wishes for all ❤❤

[@renata08888]

The main thing with my narc mother was she stablished confusion all the time in my head. One day she would "show love" by protecting me from something and in the next day she would say I was inferior compared to my brother. She would let me do ballet and then wake up in a bad mood in the day of my presentation and tell me to not to go because it was all so stupid. She would take me to the doctor if I had a disease and later she would humiliate me for having it. Always making me believe the good love could actually happen. If I just knew what I know now at 42 I would recognize the signs and stopped expecting mature sincere love from her at much younger age.

[@Joemar4]

It took my mothers dying to finally break free. She had to have control to the very end. Literally!!

[@cecedubois5147]

Same.

[@supereight9221]

LOL

[@randomisland2872]

​@@ute3349 My narc mom just died at 94.

[@denisedreyer7886]

Yes, i am so in that spot. Mother is 92 and she is vindictive and spitfull and very active about it.

[@carolnahigian9518]

I believe you and I VALIDATE YOU: mom was Tyrant; Dad Poison but fooled the Public!

[@sharoncohen8127]

Knowing something was wrong w/my mom when I was a young child is an understatement. I was the subject of her need for control, domination, invalidation, humiliation and rage as soon as I started to have any independent thought or aspirations (around age 6). Still by age 11, she insisted on picking out my clothing every day which was little girl fussy/ruffle dresses. I wanted to wear jeans and tie die T shirts -- this was in the '60 -- and she still "had to fix my hair." Treated like a "baby doll" to dress up and show off it was insane. Object, and I'd be punished. The puberty started, and that made it TOTAL worse, the jealousy started in. After my dad passed when I was 14 (he was peace keeper), I ran away, and kept running away. The State finally took custody away from her after a juvenile judge finally believed me. I was an A student, member of the chess club and elected to student council: so NOT a delinquent as she tried to portray to the authorities. A "home study" ordered by the courts, found a perfect home in terms of how it looked; but the psychologist who came got it. The PhD psychologist and his social worker note taker "interviewed us." The PhD guy asked my mom various questions and then he turned to me. He asked something, I do not recall the exact question. My mom answered for me. DING. PhD guy says, I asked Sharon the question not you Mrs. X. My mom responded, "what does she know, she is just a child"....I turned to PhD guy and said, "see what I am dealing with"....Thank GOD the home study write up must have been telling. The Courts took custody away and I went to a wonderful group foster home. That SAVED me. Now 66 years later, I am still working through all that and am better each day. Your videos and those of others on narcissims are so helpful. I hope you do more about this issue of having a narc parent and how to recover. Thank you

[@michelekurlan2580]

Gus looks like a cinnamon bun curled up over there on his couch. Cute

[@texaspatty458]

This is deep water Doc , many of us need this to understand what has happened to us . Thank you as always . Your dedication is priceless !!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Agreed ❣️

[@bennitagoodson345]

It's pretty shocking when you figure out that you were conditioned to be their supply!

[@texaspatty458]

@@bennitagoodson345 ...I needed so desperately to understand what was happening to me !! I never got in with my family . 💔

[@carolnahigian9518]

I am 50++ and just disclosing & finding How UGLY the interaction of my Folks: I got the brunt of their MIND GAMES.

[@bennitagoodson345]

@@carolnahigian9518 me too, and to top it off, I have an older sister (2 years) that is a sociopath! The more I learn, the more healing I get and the more confidence I have in myself!

[@amberinthemist7912]

My dad wants me to tell him all of my thoughts and plans so he can criticize them. I've pulled back communication because I'm sick of him interjecting his doubt and anxiety in me. He's now harassing me about calling him more. It's never ending. Only death frees you from narc parents. The trick is to outlive them when they are constantly trying to make your life miserable.

[@annemurphy8074]

Both my narc parents have died. Relief! Now it's getting them out of me!

[@demondogmom7221]

My convert narcissist mother lived to be 99....proving that only the good die young.

[@fiction589]

Going no contact and changing phone number should help....😊

[@mday3821]

​@@annemurphy8074I have the same problem.

[@introv3rt3dc4ctus]

My ndad has taken to some healthy habits over the past couple of years like going to the gym... and I'm like 😬

[@michellehill718]

"I want to get into my adult mind and I want to be my own separate person."✅

[@daniellejohnson8910]

JESUS Created you and IF HE wanted u to exactly the same, HE WOULD HAVE MADE YOU TWINS!!! Not parent and child decades apart in experience and age! HE created 2 separate people and with different purposes.🎉❤ LET'S FOLLOW HIM!

[@Juke582]

When my narcissist father died in 2019, I felt overwhelming freedom and peace! I struggled to know why? I felt this way? I think I felt his evil threat to me on earth finally ended as he always kept me the scapegoat of the family and pitted all the family against me for so long, maybe I am finally free of that continued abuse??! Though my evil sisters continue it. I have gone no contact with them since 2004 with 2 tricks by one sister to lure me for fake insults. Her last straw was 2018. My boundaries are up! Evil devils cast out, and when they die it’s a pure sense of freedom from feeling threatened!

[@franciscoguevara9727]

Im grateful I found a safe enough place to tell my story. Was believed and validated as a survivor. That enabled me to understand what abuse was. And stop blaming my self. But understand how harmful it is. And I got shown the tools of self compassion and healthy boundaries. Until gradually I started applying them and following through with my boundaries, thats when my inner child and true self . Came out . Now im the loving parent who loves honors protects speaks up for my inner child , and tries to advocates for my needs to keep finding safe enough places where I can share my true self, and get my needs for connection met. Im worth it in a good way. Were worth it. Grateful there are safe enough people , and rooms , that are "safe enough" where we can externalize the family messages, learn boundaries and how to choose safer connection where I can share my true self and get my needs met im worth it in a good way. Were worth it.

[@hustler-6922]

35 years old; I couldn't get away from my Narc sister and mother fast enough. checking back in years later they are still miserable unsorted people

[@atxvet]

My goodness. After 5 years of following Dr. C, these talks are still so therapeutic and spot-on. Much appreciated!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome, and I'm honored you've been following me five years.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

The role of a parent is to teach kids how to love, empathise, develop their talents and interests, explore the world and learn how to be responsibly independent. I really like that description dr Carter. Thank you 🙏

[@l.5832]

I think I surpassed my mother's maturity by the time I hit puberty.......and I knew it at the time.

[@jillgarcia265]

Same here, but she knew it too. So sad, and that’s when the extreme jealousy alternated with wanting to be my best friend came into play. Very twisted.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My narc dad never "hit puberty", he's still a spoiled brat! I don't bother with him! I was 10 then(1974).

[@mrsqueakthecat.8061]

That's what I grew up in and didn't even know what it was or why it was happening. It just was.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad still expects to control me. He is a narcissistic 83. I am non-narcissitic 61, I don't live with him. I deposed his tyranny by going no-contact the day after Christmas 2024.

[@lorihoop3831]

After the silent treatment I didn't go to Christmas this year and doubt I will again unless things change. Not counting on that so no Christmas next year or any other year either. I've tried so hard, they'll never accept me and I'm tired of trying to be sesn. Yes they were abused too but common sense and logic should prevail as to not repeat the cycle. I didn't, my kids and therapist told me so. Just can't do it anymore.

[@rwdchannel2901]

It was weird growing up for me. I was put into a foster home when I was 2 years old then adopted by a narc family when I was 5. My mother's mother was the house butler since her husband had died and both my parents worked. At first I didn't get along with my grandmother because she kept harassing me by looking over my shoulder and yelling at me. She acted all nice and sweet in public but was grumpy all the time at home. My biological brother was adopted with me and they adopted another girl and had one girl naturally born. The natural born girl was the golden child and the other 3 of us were the black sheep kids. My other sister got the worst black sheep position because she reported to the middle school my parents had been abusing us and the police came to the house to take a report. When I was 15 years old my parents got a divorce and I moved in with my father who was so neglectful I failed my last semester of high school since I wasn't going to school and my father didn't care. I had to go to summer school to graduate high school. Then I joined the US army at age 18 and should have ditched them but I didn't know better and eventually went no contact with them at age 36. The last sign I needed to go no contact with my father who was the one I was primarily in contact with was after he got upset at me for buying a used car when I was 35 years old. He hated me having any freedom and doing well. He would have been more happy if I was living in a box and riding a bicycle. That way he would have felt so superior to me.

[@tbunnyshy1]

Dr. Carter, this session is phenomenal. Every detail was explained. I love how you began with what a parent should be. You gently reminded us how these parents likely grew up in an unhealthy family system. We can separate ourselves, learn about responsible independence and take action. Thank you so much Dr. C. ❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased that it resonated!

[@amberramsey5928]

My narcissistic parent has ignored me for 4 years now. It seems to be harder to go through as an only child. However, talking things out and these videos are most helpful.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm pulling for you, Amber.

[@fred.k9875]

Thank you Doc!! I need this video, we need this video! Your teachings have become the rock to build our mental health on!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased, Fred!

[@sylviacaldwell2139]

NO DOUBT FRED!

[@cindyrobinson3882]

Totally agree!!

[@bethgotts8031]

When I was coming to terms that my mom is a Covert, I recall her telling me, as she justified never having arguments in her family?? , that when growing up, her family which consisted of 10 children, never fought or had conflict. ( not possible). Either a terrible memory or in pure denial as conflict is a part of life and helps with growth and development.

[@denisedreyer7886]

I am 67, i didn't know what a narcissistic was till i found you. Unfortunately i brought my edery mom into my house. She is 92 now and i am living in hell for the last 5 years. I am learning, but I am tired. I wake up at a stress level of 6. I am burned out mentally, physically and emotionally.

[@helenebezencon8906]

If you find any way at all to take care of yourself as a priority (before you take care of her), please do so. Do you have siblings ? Can they take their turn ? Would it be at all possible to place your mother in a retiring home ?

[@lillianbarker4292]

It was hard enough for me having my elderly narc mom in assisted living nearby- driving over at 2am when she fell down etc. I really feel for you and you must get some help somehow. You might get some help from Medicare or Medicaid or the State to provide someone to come in and help so you can get a break. If she is very unhealthy her doctor can put her on hospice even though she is not too close to death. This can also give you some relief. Even if a friend can donate 4 hours a week.

[@alexandroshellas8524]

Try to have hobbies to meet new people. Go for a walk.

[@roxymovie3938]

The outcomes having been raised up by Narcissistic parents can be fairly consistent and predictable: 》Uncertainty in general because your parents were unpredictable 》Lots of confusion because your parents were masters in the intermitted reinforcement (behaving hot and cold) 》Low self-esteem because you were never seen as a seperated individual with worth 》Emotional skills you did not learn well because your parents wanted you to conform and/or they neglected your emotional needs When you break free from your Narcs parents to become your own seperated person, here is what to do: 1. Don't expect them to adjust 2. Cease trying to reform the Narc 3. Be decisive about who you will be 4. Refuse to play the enabler role 5. Define who you will be on many fronts 6. Do not apologize for you being unique Be aware: 》Your Narc parents want you to go back into your role because they have to be the one in control 》They still have no appreciation for your boundaries 》They will never be vulnerable 》Instead they insist on your conformity What are the healthy goals of parenting? Basis: In my space you are in a safe place and I want to encourage you to be who you are!!! 1. Teaching the child the meaning of love 2. Teaching the child trust and empathy 3. Teaching the child an internal base of confidence 4. Being curious about your child and asking, "Who are you?" 5. Teaching the child responsibility 6. Teaching the child how to get along with other individuals, especially in conflict 7. Teaching the child a sense of perspective in the family history 8. Teaching the child spiritual adjustments, meanings and purposes 9. Teaching the child to be curious and active Be aware: 》》A healthy parent is teaching the child responsible independence so that the parent makes himself less and less necessary 》》An unhealthy parent is teaching the child lifelong dependence (as a result peoplepleasing, addictions etc.), helplessness etc. Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈

[@familychromebook1852]

I came to vent, sorry, but I think you all understand. I was around a family member who leans into their narcissism today and while I handled it so much better than I would have in times past, I feel drained, angry and it did stoke old wounds. I'm going to be kind to myself now and give myself time to relax & recalibrate.

[@tbunnyshy1]

You have come along very well. Keep remembering that. ❤️ Treasure the ground you have gained and keep going. 💕🕊🫂

[@familychromebook1852]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate this.@@tbunnyshy1

[@ElJeffe40]

I didn't learn "Responsible Independence" from my "family". I learned it in the military. If my parents wanted me to remain a loyal doormat for the rest of my life, they shouldn't have demanded that I enlist.

[@pattyclayton6114]

my mother is 90 and i am 67 and she treats like i am 4 and it is painful how she treats me. I just divorced my narc husband yesterday. She never asks she demands and never show any empathy for me.

[@BSharp369]

I left my narcissistic mother and moved to a different continent when I was 20 years old and she still found a way to slither back and Insert herself back into my life. Blessed will be the day I’ll be free forever from her.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I live one town away from my narc dad. I am 61 and he is 83. I don't live with him and am not in contact with him.

[@surlif]

It has been difficult to think about my mother being a narc. I think it is because I always had guilt for being born and never could make it up to her that I barged into her life. To try to motivate me (I guess??) She would often bark out at me, "I went through the valley of the shadow of death to have you!" And then she would lie down on the couch and put her hand on her head and close her eyes. She would get so still, I would stand there and watch to make sure she kept breathing. I cant remember EVER receiving a compliment. She put me in pageants and then when I won, she would say, "You're just a little fool." It was all so confusing. I hated the stress of those things (pageants) and thought she wanted me to win. All of my formative years were her stressing us out about what other people would think of us and she would always tell me if only I were like someone else (always comparing me to someone we knew my age). And she would say it in a mean, condescending way. Oh my! That stern voice comes through in my memories!! One time she read my secret diary and found out I had a crush on a certain boy at school. She came in my room and screamed at me and said, "His family won't have you dating their you because of the way you keep your room!" There were never any nice, kind instructions on how to do anything.. just rants and shame on me that I could not. This has been difficult to write out. My instinct is to just delete it and think, "But others had it so much worse. She worked so hard and gave up so much for me." But I need to realize it is just not normal for mothers to day to their little children that the only time she was happy was the time between leaving home and getting married and being tied down to having children. Goodness. No wonder I put up with so much for so long from my narc husband. I thought I should be happy for any crumbs anyone threw my way. I still want to say, "Oh but she was mentally ill and couldn't help it." But may it is just time for me to think about the effect all that had on me and continue this process I started with Dr. C a couple years ago and go forth with healing.

[@randomisland2872]

Same here. They aren't normal.

[@denicehaley9902]

Ouch! Your life sounds eerily familiar to mine! At age 61, I’m so thankful I found Dr. C., Gus, and TH 2 years ago!

[@sharonjones7138]

I’ve discovered that my parents and siblings expect me to continue to be the family scapegoat. NOPE……about to ghost them all, so I can be free.

[@lorihoop3831]

I'm not doing it anymore, didn't go to Christmas and I never will again. My siblings SEE, and say nothing. Done with all of them, I would have spoken up for them, that's why I'm the bad guy.😂 Can't win, don't play

[@carparthero]

the narcissist parent is a subject that doesn't get talked about often enough. here's a few things to consider. 4 signs that show narcissistic parents they are narcissist but they don't want to acknowledge: 1-adult children rarely or don’t visit their parents once they move out. the parents cry about being abandoned, but don’t talk about how awful they treated their kids. 2-the parents never take any responsibility for anything they did... they think they were the best parents even while the kids may have mental health issues such as PTSD, depression. 3- they will parentify their children. meaning it's emotional incest (of the child) on steroids. 4- the parents always treat the children as kids, not as adults. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@pepperbird1212]

My mother has many socially acceptable traits, so people think she is a sweet harmless little old lady. But she was so intrusive and curious when I was growing up, and shamed me and my sister constantly about the possibility of getting pregnant. Sometimes I would be minding my own business and she would stare at me and suddenly say "Are you pregnant?" It was like an ambush, and she enjoyed seeing my startled reactions.. We tried not to mention if we felt nauseated because she would start questioning us in a knowing. abusive way. We were good students who did our chores and more, and were respectful, shy, and cooperative. Her older sister, my aunt, was in on the odd abuse. When I was having some anxiety about schoolwork and had some morning nausea once, this aunt actually took me to a doctor to see if i was pregnant. Of course the doctor pronounced me to be just anxious. All this unhealthy tension wore on me, and when I did grow up and get married I never had children because I feared her reaction and being teased or taunted. Even my wedding day was somewhat spoiled because I feared that she would publicly say something to embarrass me.

[@tbunnyshy1]

First off, I am really sorry for what you had to endure. I understand completely. I was petrified of everything until I got old. Narc parents dump their negative feelings and energy onto us. You’re right. They enjoy seeing our startled reactions. Its their sick thinking. I’m so sorry. To better days ahead! 🫂❤️

[@hd-be7di]

She destroyed my financial and social life so that I wouldn't be able to leave and have my own life because apparently I owed her something that I wasn't made aware of... I asked her "can you put yourself in someone else's place to see how it feels when you say something ?" .... she gave me this blank startled stare... yeah, empty... just a social mask there's no one there.

[@denicehaley9902]

Last Fall, with the help of my therapist, I found out my mother is a covert narcissist. My dad’s a proud overt narcissist. So, as the scapegoat of the family, I assume with the double whammy, it has taken me until I was in my late 50’s to figure this out. More importantly, Dr. Carter, Gus, and TH are teaching & walking by my side as I’m surviving narcissism! 🙏❤️🙏❤️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep leaning forward, Denice! #TeamHealthy

[@everybodyneedsagoat3958]

This is timely for me. I have been thinking about comments I make to my narcissistic parent when I am triggered. I have come up with a plan to help me try to stop my passive aggressive comments because like said in this video, they are not going to change. So I am make a list of those triggering comments. 1 I write down the comment. 2. What is she actually saying. 3. Why does that comment trigger me. 4. What have I been saying. 5 what can I say that is not passive aggressive and allows me to act with DRC.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Great approach! Thanks for passing this along. You just made my day.

[@dafni7085]

The hardest thing is not going No Contact, but after going NC - they harass and stalk. Show up at your house ..... Thank God I live right by the RCMP. Its one if the few things that makes me feel safe.

[@graveyardghost2603]

Gus is so cute today ❤

[@donnadriggers5718]

He is..

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

He can't not be cute!

[@graveyardghost2603]

@@SurvivingNarcissism so true! 🥰

[@gillianbrookwell1678]

I loved my mother, but she controlled my life from a very early age; she was obsessed with me finding a husband from the age of 19 years old, even trying to arrange dates with strangers. Nothing I did was up to her expectations, and unfortunately I married a narcissist, and as expected the marriage didn't last.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Amen 🙏 to everything you said dr Carter❤ thank you ❤ God bless you ❤

[@Bellatrixie]

In my case, I’m going no contact. My father is way too far gone to ever accept my commitment to being me and I don’t need to deal with his “stuff” anymore. I figured it all out in my late 20s. Thank goodness.

[@haberdasher999]

Has dr Les made a video for dealing with narcissistic siblings (brother especially?

[@mosaic.owl.studios]

When I was a late teenager, I was taken advantage of s**ually by my church choir director. I was already over 18, so there wasn't anything technically illegal happening, but he was 52 and I didn't know how to get away. The whole ordeal was very publically embarrassing for my narcissistic mother. And that was it. I was flung into the "scapegoat role" forever because of this, and ever since, it's just been constant emotional manipulation and jokes in front of entire groups of people and ridicule, because I screwed up that one time that I was too young to know how to say "no". Forever marked as "defective" and "broken" and a "stain" on their perfect family image.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Wow! That is so wrong on so many levels. I hope you can choose to trust your discernment and move on from their false interpretations. Abuse covered by false piety is awful.

[@JanUnderwood-x1n]

I'd give this 100 thumbs up if I could.

[@jeffreyboyd2758]

When pressed on his parenting style, my father has told me that the world is a tough place and I need to learn how to deal with difficult people. So his approach - consciously or not - is to model the worst caricatures of awful human behaviors to thicken my skin. I have told him that I’ve never met anyone as persistently abrasive as him, and he responded with a smirk and “just wait”.

[@rahrahrobbbieee]

This stuff has been burying me forever.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I'm confident you can dig your way out 🙏❤️

[@well_weathered]

Your not alone. ❤️‍🩹

[@rahrahrobbbieee]

@@amandaliverpool3374 🫂🫂🫂🫂

[@rahrahrobbbieee]

@@well_weathered 🫂🫂❤❤🌹🌹

[@lishmahlishmah]

Today I received a newsletter with a GKC quote... And I found it very "timing" for me. I think it could be a little help for you too. “Merely to exist for a moment, and see a white patch of daylight on a gray wall, ought to be an answer to all the pessimism of the world.” -G.K. Chesterton (Where All Roads Lead) *Please be aware* , I don't mean that you are a pessimist. I mean they buried you by pouring all their narcissistic pessimism on you. But now, please 🙏 start to walk in a different direction with the very first simple little thing you can see... I'm doing it, just staying focused on me just me, in these difficult days... No matter whoever is speaking to me or where I am. (this is not being selfish. For the moment, this is a lifesaving practice for us survivors) . Hope this makes sense for you... someway...

[@FionaC1]

4:42 I feel there is strong need to point out that not all of these parenting traits mean they are a narcissist or ‘toxic’. A ‘worry wort’ or stressed parent may be suffering from anxiety or depression, addiction issues, or even be being abused by their partner. A parent who is strict may be reflecting the only style of parenting they have witnessed. I feel lumping all of these with narcissistic parents both diminishes how seriously harmful truly narcissistic parents are and at the same time risks fracturing families unnecessarily. I have witnessed the latter in my own family, with a sibling cutting off my parents leading to great pain. I did not see any narcissistic tendencies in my parents, but they raised us with boundaries (not abusively) and whatever failings they may have had I can forgive and am dealing with my own perfectionism etc for my own growth rather than seeking conflict or cutting them off. (And yes, I know how actual narcissists parent, as I was married to one!) It’s vital to stress that those parenting ideals you mentioned are just that - IDEALS. As parents we all try to do our best but if you have never witnessed healthy patterns that is not easy. Also, we are all imperfect humans. Sadly I suspect there are only a small percentage of people who were lucky enough to have been raised to those ideals. Dr C please remember to encourage grace in your listeners and remind them that not all bad behaviour = narcissism. I feel your earlier videos used to distinguish that more than they have in the past year or so.

[@michelepascoe6068]

Thanks for helping us reparent ourselves, Dr C 🙂

[@mosaic.owl.studios]

It really changed my mindset when I realized that my mom actually is incapable of admitting to HERSELF that she did anything wrong. I thought for a long time that she knew she had made wrong choices but was just too afraid to admit to anyone else that she was wrong. Nope. I've learned that narcissists are actually incapable of acknowledging to THEMSELVES that they've done wrong. It blew my mind wide open. It's so different from the way my own mind works (surprise, I'm not a narcissist--although I do have some mental health diagnoses). Anyway, it really helped me to come to that realization. It's how I know for sure that she'll never change (or, if she does try to change, I'll know exactly what change to look for).

[@andreacook6000]

I need to contemplate this too. My mother can never admit she is wrong or discuss anything I am upset about that she has done.

[@alexandroshellas8524]

Yes, this describes my dad. It's hard to be free if I live with them. This is why I work all day, hang out at cafes, have my separate hobbies and interests. Instead of arguing I say whatever. I want to break free and totally free. At certain point, I will move out of state.

[@lillianbarker4292]

I wish I could have heard this when I was younger. Dr. Carter you do great work.

[@JG-hw1cy]

Dr Carter you helped me through numerous occasions dealing with my narcissistic mother while you were in your practice. I have continued to watch your videos and you have been such a strength and guidance that I so very much appreciate. It seems you always hit the nail right on the head. There is a comfort knowing I’m not alone. I continue to learn and get reaffirmed at boundaries. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased for you.

[@Cerebralseid]

I've been so stressed lately from giong through this with two narcissistic parents.

[@heidirisse8009]

Me too. It's exhausting. So much chaos and grief. And knowing nothing will change until they are gone.

[@Cerebralseid]

@@heidirisse8009 exhausting as hell. I told my mom she should have had an abortion when i was conceived earlier today and that my dad should have been infertile. Its so much grief as you said earlier and sorrow. Exhaustion. Like you mentioned until they are deceased , incapacitated or you go no contact with them. Which i still wrestle with the idea of no contact. Cause i have fear of losing my siblings and a few other relatives.

[@SandyBee-313]

Dealing with with with my FIL and its coming to a head. My hubby finally tried to set boundries about calling and viaiting with him and it has not gone well. My hubby is almost 60 years-old! The fall out from this simple request for respect has been ridiculous! FIL has triagulated my SILs against my hubby and has given him the silent treatment over this for the last 4 months. Its true that the NPs true colours come out when they are facing adversity. He will take no ownership, will not apologize and will not agree to the boundries set. Its tough to swallow,, but the grieving process has begun. We through with denial about him.

[@9dehucey2df366]

You have described my in-laws to a T T as in TOXIC! Sending you peace and healing vibes

[@reckneya]

There was only one way for me to break the hold my parents had over me. I shunned them. Completely.

[@janeylynn5934]

Yep, I am that adult child of narc parents. However, because I have chronic health issues, I’m financially dependent on my parents, and will likely be stuck living with them for life. I have no way out, no way to heal. Lack of financial resources makes solving problems almost impossible. (Because my parents support me financially, I’m obligated to do whatever they tell me to.)

[@duromusabc]

My two nephews have a mom who’s a narcissist- but they’re both minors in high school 😢- so they’re under her control by default She the mom (my sister ) caused drama at the Christmas party with me last year - gaslighting , baiting, contempt, and DARVO - ugh 😩 annoying - my high school nephews kept quiet and walked away (avoiding her wrath)

[@jeankipper6954]

"Peace" was never in their vocabulary. Dr. C, so appreciate what may seem like repetition. With both badly damaged narc parents, even now after decades of therapy and near immersion in CPTSD info since discovering it in the last two years, I'm still somehow just noticing whole pockets of their awful programming. And I'm 74. I relisten to many of your videos. This is at times greviously hard work. But it is impossible, without help, information and showing better ways to go. Thank you so much!!!

[@BaraSchmidt]

If you have narcissistic parents you know they demand and command 💯 loyalty and compliance, always dismissive of our OWN dreams and desires. This was, again, revelational Dr C! (SIR GUS helped!) Thank you!!

[@well_weathered]

It's something else not to be able to go to your own parents when you should be able to. Because of triangulation you can't share with your adult children. Then you know you are truly on your own. Their long game is all encompassing. I'm grateful you had Dr Christine Cocchiola on, her latest video on disenfranchised grief was a real eye opener.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for these comments!

[@andreacook6000]

Yes and also to not be able to go to them because they don’t care about what you need even if you do go to them or they use it like a game every time you ask them for something to make you beg or belittle you or get you to think they may help but them hold you or a piece of string hoping it may happen one day and get you to modify your behaviour in any way they want in hopes you may one day, some day get something you need.

[@ShaylaLove21]

I have told one of my adult children some of how my narc mother has behaved. I wasn’t sore whether to or not, but I realised she needed to know as otherwise the manipulation continues.

[@persasrho4799]

I am guessing my autoimmune condition was caused early on by all the stress, and it made it difficult for me to survive on my own. Chronic illness is an issue that is overlooked in these situations. I never really got away, no matter how hard I tried (living overseas, excessive and extensive travel).

[@tbunnyshy1]

There is definitely something to that. The stress and abuse feels like physical abuse because the body holds it. In other words tension is stored. The bizarre chronic illnesses are ongoing. I am right there with you and I hear you. 🫂❤️

[@Ray-bx5fz]

I just cry daily at night of thinking there is no escape for me.She is a single narcissistic mother , i can't go no contact and being in contact is slowly killing me . I am seriously considering ending up my life one day for once and all.

[@nmc1859]

My narcissistic parents haven't liked me setting up boundaries or listening to my inner self .. very much. I have stuck with bring still and mindful of how my body feels and what I really think and feel. After 1 year of no in person visits and many months of no calls or texts i got a letter in the mail saying 'if you want to have a relationship with us DONT EVER (go against the narrative) again. It was just that one sentence. It hurts to lose the relationship or the potential but I am glad to be officially free. Thanks dr Carter your videos have truly helped me understand what has been going with this narcissistic relationship

[@inconceivabledark]

Right, sometimes I actually wonder to myself if my mother's narcissistic behaviour is something that's been handed down through the generations. "And this is our family's most prized heirloom.... narcissism! We will dutifully pass it down to you as our parents/grandparents did to us. Look after it and don't break it and make sure you pass it on to your kids". "Wow. Thank you mum. You shouldn't have. Like really.😶"

[@9dehucey2df366]

yup. Generational patters are so hard to break, kudos to you for recognizing and fighting the good fight.

[@michelleharkness7549]

Thank you 🙏 ; again; thank you 🙏

[@lesliehaymanMSc]

Question: when a covert narcissist parent was married in the 50’s to someone who worked on top secret military technology, and the narcissist has large gaps in memory staked out by several episodic memories that fail to include big life events that could be portrayed with pride or holier than thou attitudes. Memory was altered AFTER being hospitalized for an indeterminant number of months following childbirth… Any sense the parent could be the product/victim of Brainwashing or the MkUltra program? Their Control tactics and evasive/deceptive habits come right out of a CIA training manual. The elderly parent has profound physical self-preservation skills and an eery knowledge (as if subconscious recall) of stealthy, deadly tactics (reminding me of Jason Bourne). After all, it was US military interests in psychiatry (APA) that first characterized ClusterB personality disorders. And of course, this parent has zero idea about any of that possibility. Their life is all about control and reputation, external appearances. So if it is their reality, they exemplify a successful program rather than failed human experiment touted as the outcome when housewives were ‘treated’ for post-Partum depression as CIA test subjects at different University clinics, such as McGill U in Montreal, through to the 70s. As a kid, I always thought our house and family was just a front for something else. No love. All tactical, transactional to appear to do the socially acceptable thing but with no qualms about undermining others (little white lies), to gaslight, seed doubt and confusion among others put to shame, and all to maintain the upper hand, and control. Any background knowledge or thoughts on this?

[@DavA-DM]

My narcissistic parent was my mother, and I very certain her mother was very like her. My own mother never 'left' her family - even when married with children of her own. And while I know I was never really loved, I know that I never 'a problem' for her. As she put it. And she never changed. As a adult, when I heard her say 'my family' to me I knew the truth - and walked away cutting any and all ties with her and this 'family' of hers. It's my sister and this very tiny group of relations. The sister WILL be the next generation of this daisy-chain of disfunction.

[@HernardRosendo]

I can feel it also to my mother attitude even to my elder brothers and sisters. I feel not comfortable with them because i feel that my worth is nothing to them

[@mclawler]

Thank you for your choice words. Very helpful.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@sharonjones7138]

I have told him I’m 62, not 12.

[@TinyHomeCookingwithSherlei]

I’m 65 still dealing with their control breaking it now I am the one that said enough is enough but price to pay

[@schizorap]

Thanks Dr. C, great video

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@joshua255860]

Outstanding, Dr. Carter. All of your lessons have helped me grow! You are accurate on all of your points here. Thank you. Eileen

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are very welcome.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

Just heard Jerry Wise pin a great word for the way mine is. “Futurizing” fear, guilt and shame. It’s weird tho. I feel like I’m just tangled all up in a web with my own “adulting” or being truly independent. You wonder at times if you’re already free but can’t get yourself to go to the door and you just keep thinking you’re not really free, so you just don’t open the door to your better future. Or maybe you’re actually doing pretty well, but you can’t seem to shake that lingering doubt that maybe you’re not doing ok. Such as with success or going for it etc. Makes me wonder when I’m actually going to get my own brain back. And yah. True to form their “parenting goals”’were the exact opposite (on steroids) of the beautiful thing described….which was to teach your kids how to explore, become responsibly independent etc.

[@stephenpaul3289]

This is my narc Mother 100%, which she got from her Father

[@Hatbox948]

I'm not sure if either of my parents were narcissists. I've been so focused on the insanity I endured at the hands of the ex narc. My parents were good parents for the most part, but I did suffer lots of physical abuse and criticism. My dad had ten siblings, and not one ever tried to stop him from doling out some pretty harsh punishments. All of my rescues were gone.

[@christinelamb1167]

How were your parents "good" if you suffered lots of physical abuse and criticism?

[@roxymovie3938]

Hatbox, I agree with Christine. When you suffer from physical abuse - and you even name it this way (!) and from critizism which are both forms to weaken you in order to get control over you with the outcoming results in life in suffering furthermore in low self-esteem, becoming dependent, helpless etc. And being overly focused on your ex narc is for me a classical sign that you have been trauma bonded early on in life - your primary caregivers.

[@roxymovie3938]

@@christinelamb1167 Christine, I am glad to see you so happy on your profile for I remember a photo of you where you looked totally different - what a change❣

[@Hatbox948]

@@christinelamb1167 They provided for me and were always present. I had a nice home, good food, etc.

[@christinelamb1167]

@@Hatbox948 So did my parents. That is the least that is expected of a parent, and what even animals provide for their offspring. It doesn't constitute "good". But if you're satisfied with that, while receiving physical abuse and constant criticism, that's up to you. But since you're watching videos such as this one, I have a feeling that deep down you know the truth.

[@tlotus3032]

Thank you for your gentle strength!! It is so contagious and healing!! ❤🎉

[@AM99884]

Thank you so much for this video! 🙏🏽 You gave us some good actionable steps to start with here, and it feels better knowing that people of all age groups have trouble with this

[@jds6964]

I am 59 years old and only know did I figure out that my Mom is narcissist. I have never had a good relationship in my adult life because of how my mother treated me as a child. The one person that I could have had a loving relationship with, I screwed things up and said no to him since I was to concerned with what my Mom would think. When I confronted her about that of course she played the victim and said that it was not her fault at all. She always says that she "loves me with all of her heart". When she says that and hugs me it makes my skin crawl. the only person that has ever loved my with all of their heart was a close personal friend of mine that passed away unexpectedly on Saturday October 23, 2021.

[@edith4334]

Pure elegance

[@Tania-rg7jp]

Today is National Scapegoat Pride Day. Okay. Maybe not. But it should be a holiday! GO GO GO TRUTHTELLERS!

[@randomisland2872]

👍👍👍

[@tbunnyshy1]

Its like a warrior day! I like it ⚔️ 🛡

[@aaronkwolfe]

I know of so many this will benefit. Fortunately, not me, but I’ll watch anyway.

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@Teacher369 THIS. This is why I want to watch. I want to understand. I really want to help if I can, even if it is only by understanding.

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@Teacher369 Devastating and encompassing hurt cannot be overstated (IMO), K. Looking forward to hearing about this stuff is a common TH trait.

[@michellehill718]

Lol 😊

[@karolemcaninch6495]

I love you, Dr. Carter

[@lishmahlishmah]

Dr C is beyond question. Thank you so much, doctor! (in English) Grazie infinite (in Italian). And, Team Healthy... or Half-Healthy With Good Hope for the near future... Guys! This time the comment section is making me cry in many cases... Thank you everyone explaining their surviving stories and terrible childhood stories... Thank you for showing me your standing up, your conquering freedom and your facing all your pain, despite the monsters in your life.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

lishmah, your comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.

[@lishmahlishmah]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank *you* dr C 🧡

[@whispersofwillowpixi]

THANK YOU

[@thebiscuitrose]

Thank you Dr. 😢😊😊❤

[@YW-gm9gu]

While watching this video, a clear message was apparent. Though the narcissistic parents themselves grew up with similar conditions, they chose to pass it on rather than to rectify it. Are certain temperaments more likely to resist or continue the cycle? I'm so proud of all my fellow people that have broken free from their narcissistic parent(s). It's such a difficult yet rewarding trial to go through. There comes a time in our lives when enough is enough. For those that haven't yet or are currently in the process, I hope to see you on the other side. :)

[@ro7547]

Why do I feel guilty for wondering if my dad was narcissistic? He was a great provider and nice man but he had some red flags.