Top 10 Beliefs Of A Narcissist That Are Insults To You

Not only do narcissists construct a system of false beliefs about how life should be, those beliefs often include diminishing attitudes about you. Dr. Les Carter highlights ten of their most common assumptions that negate you. As you are aware of their schemes, you can move forward with insight and wisdom.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his KZbin channel, his videos have received more than 115 million views.
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[@carparthero]

narcissists aren't just communication clowns, they're the entire circus. their gaslighting, stonewalling and silent treatments when asked questions they don't like, or get their "superiority" challenged, exposes their immaturity. when you realize that you were never in a relationship, you were in a competition or a fight where they were only ever interested in proving their superiority over you. that’s why narcissists never grow - instead they rot from the inside. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@caroleminke6116]

You were just in collusion ❤️‍🩹

[@CharMinsky]

Yep.

[@kelly450]

They stagnate...

[@cherylnathanodette]

Honestly bored out of my tree with mind games and hackers, am I really that interesting really, you do honour me with all the attention. Not really interested in playing games at my age, grow up thine kiddies. Dr C, how do we cope with dicks, oops scuze but really can't use another word at this moment in time. Respect is earned and when someone wants respect from me they better prove they are worth it. Thankfully I'm not easily scared so throw what you like in my direction narcos. I'm ready and waiting.

[@carparthero]

@@kelly450 nah, it's linear regression. the older the narc gets, the worse they become, the more immature they become.

[@mariehughey5390]

If you don’t laugh at a joke, they’re hurt. If you fail to verbally agree with any random statement they take offense. If you give a factual statement that is common knowledge but they don’t like it…instant rage. So exhausting, mentally and physically.

[@marysisak2359]

I worked in industry prior to becoming a college professor. While I was in industry, my bosses wanted my opinion even if it disagreed with theirs. Image my surprise in academia when any time I offered an opinion that disagreed with the head of the department (a narc) he would yell "You are going to tear this department apart."

[@kelly450]

They take everything so "personal"... when it's not. VERY overly "sensitive", too

[@flightmama3191]

And Spiritually too🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤My ex husband continues 2 say how selfish self LOVE is, he said I would never be so selfish, I always put U & the kids B4 me 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂That was seriously a bad joke but a big lie❤❤❤ Hope you're HEALING and far far away....

[@spacegirl226]

And if you dare tell them no....whew.

[@sharronwells4946]

How do you respond when friends say I have a victim mentality when I try to vent about my narcissistic husband...no one gets it!!!

[@tombuddy100]

When you try to reason with them, or you want to share a peace of wisdom with them, they instantly turn off.

[@Hatbox948]

Or contradict you.

[@tombuddy100]

@@Hatbox948 They do, sometimes even if they gain nothing by doing that. Also, they tend to lie for no apparent reason or logic.

[@visaormastercard]

The 1s I've been acquainted with, either get silent for a moment & continue talking, or change the subject completely.😒

[@williammoore5277]

They see you sharing a piece of wisdom or the correct answer to something that there is no place for alternative facts, like math, they see it as you putting them down or trying to exert control over you.

[@Jessica4492-rj3zg]

Narcissists are too exhausting to engage with. They minimize all the dysfunctional behavior they display and then major your minor mistakes. My cat and dogs make me happier.

[@MarianneCatherine]

@@Jessica4492-rj3zg Amen to that 🙏 😼🐶🙏

[@dorisaffissio1649]

How does religion figure into that? My way or the highway? Is it something they truly believe, or just saying if you don't believe as I do you are going straight to hell!

[@aaronkwolfe]

For me, the most insulting was being assigned a motive that was not my own. Projection, pure & simple. Well, simple, anyway.

[@spacegirl226]

That is one of the things that upsets me the most with my family and a narcissistic friend I had to end a decades long friendship with: automatically attributing malicious motives to me when there is no malice of the sort in my actions. It would be too difficult to ask me why I made the decision I did or to get information straight from me. Nope! I did this to hurt them, so I must be punished. You're right -- projection pure and simple.

[@johnleatherwood2591]

The individual I dealt with ran the whole playbook, Slander, Theft, Destruction of private property, Smear campaigns, We need to teach high school college credit courses on these personality disorders.

[@donnahalsted7718]

​@@johnleatherwood2591You must be well acquainted with my Brother. Sounds just like him!

[@connorhayes2711]

@@aaronkwolfe it’s so wild how they are ALWAYS actually talking about themselves and attributing it to you!!! Still blows my mind to this day

[@johnleatherwood2591]

@@connorhayes2711 In my case? Those around him have figured it out, his wife cousin etc. So when he's slandering me? They know what's going on, like not interrupting your crazy uncle just humoring him until you can get him back up stairs, They know he's what he is, and he has no idea they know. He can't have any idea, that would be an admission and a threat to the false self.

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

Thank you again, Dr. C. No matter how hard you try to connect with a narcissist, it is like watering a plastic plant. No matter how much watering and nurturing you try to do, it will never grow.

[@eleanorpitt8190]

EXCELLENT EXPLANATION

[@kelly450]

😂😂

[@MarianneCatherine]

Great analogy!!! 😅👍👍😂

[@user-yj7xw8on2t]

What an excellent analogy and was one of my core, painful issues with my ex husband.

[@Cod12Osc]

Perfect example. PERFECT. Expect nothing less than surface, if you even get that, even in the context of a marriage.

[@Hatbox948]

One has to be that you're expected to accomodate their every desire, but you dare not expect the same from them. You'll have a very long wait.

[@jodycasey6936]

Long wait, indeed

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Yes. Don't hold your breath!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Agreed. Not a good idea to hold your breath!

[@camsteph67]

@@Hatbox948 You are not considered at all!

[@Hatbox948]

@@camsteph67 So true!

[@carrieerickson6659]

Only one way. Block them and move on.

[@T00124]

Agreed

[@yukio_saito]

Yes 📵

[@bigdaddyfellowsh]

Say off of Facebook, they have to run crying 😭 telling everybody. Say they don't care, but why are they telling everybody then? 😅

[@carmelgreen1415]

I desperately wish I could leave but complex situation here with children and grandchild who was dumped by his abusive, ice addicted father at my front door at age 6 months. I'm kinda trapped and he is exploiting and enjoying seeing me decline. He told me" life would be easier if you died" and I'm sure he's just waiting for that so he can have the house, my kids and grandchild and look like a hero. These thoughts torment me 24/7.

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

​@@carmelgreen1415Oh, dear one, I really feel for you. I understand not being able to leave. I was really sick, in the hospital. Then one day he decided it was time for me to go, and kicked me out anyway. Best gift he could have ever given me, but it certainly didn't feel like it at the time. Just remember what you think of bullies. I wish I could say something that could fix it all. You know, God listens, and He comforts.

[@jvon4965]

To add to all these INSULT lists: You have to read their minds right. If you can’t, they demean you as inconsiderate.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I am not Kreskin, I don't read minds!

[@hibiscus1974]

true.. that’s why we always feel walk on eggshells.. read mind, silent treatment, then rage

[@rebeccacory7945]

Woo, that one is SO TRUE!!!! I’ve had to tell my husband I’m not capable of figuring out which one of the thousands of things out there he thinks I’m doing to piss him off or scare him now … and that just pisses him off more. “I can’t read your mind, you have to use your words.” Impossible for him to be that clear, open, or vulnerable so his anger and contempt sits here like the proverbial turd on the wedding cake …. Not exactly what I signed up for!! 🙄😑

[@williammoore5277]

Yeah, you should have arranged it so you could anticipate my needs and wants prior to birth.. I should not have to take the time to explain to you want I want.

[@dakoderii4221]

"I own you!" has to be on the list.

[@hughenadasilva5055]

"Your pension is mine." From Portugal.

[@Njoynlife]

That’s it.

[@user-yj7xw8on2t]

Yes!!

[@donnahalsted7718]

...and everything you own.

[@emmathompson6470]

Your body belongs to me

[@enlumineresse]

The worst insult is when you're sick, and they don't believe it's true, they think you are faking or your health is not important. Their most awful behavior.

[@teresadvorak6145]

It's because they are the fake😮😮😮

[@catsaretasty]

Covid 19 denial experts😅

[@hollyk7052]

Lmao but if they’re sick….

[@cleaningtim]

Only they can get sick. Everyone else is faking according to their crazy way of thinking.

[@cindyschuhmacher709]

That is because being sick makes it about YOU. They can't have THAT. Everything is supposed to be about them.

[@m.o.t.h.studios]

That would make perfect sense as to why as soon as I grow tired of being mistreated and stand up for myself, they walk away from the relationship as if I never mattered. I used to believe it was because I wasnt worthy of love.

[@user-yj7xw8on2t]

That also happened with me, too.

[@PSBore]

One thing i discovered when i broke out of the brainwashing was how trained i had been to protect that person's image through feeling shame about it myself.

[@patricia-fz8et]

Interesting ...I think that is very common and being weighed down with so much shame, how could you leave?

[@staywellandstrong4199]

#9.It's all about their "My Image." You don't have the right to your own thoughts, opinions, or accomplishments.

[@camsteph67]

Nothing absolutely nothing....

[@donnahalsted7718]

So so true. My Brother went through everything I own(ed) when he stayed with me, feigning homelessness. He found my personal files and burnt everything! I had more degrees and certificates than he.... Poor sap!

[@staywellandstrong4199]

@@AS-zq5cs As well as their desire to live in rarified air that exists especially for them, located in the Land of No Comparisons.

[@ninawire9006]

Their whole existence is an insult to the world. One thing I noticed is that despite my being "compliant", helpful and supportive in various ways, he would still stonewall and be passive aggressive. At times, he would rage, because I simply refused to be rude or get in a fight. My idea is he was unhappy either way. Sadly, if you please these people or if you attack them, it is all the same at the end of the day. Never ending chaos. Thank you, doctor Carter for everything. I am sure you must have helped so many people when you actively offered therapy sessions. Your videos are a soothing part of my day and helped me gain my strength and sanity back.

[@user-yj7xw8on2t]

I agree. No matter what I did in positive, nurturing support, I still got his ball of ugliness and rejection.

[@yukio_saito]

Never ending chaos. -- well said. 😅

[@PaulHans-th1ue]

They thrive on it

[@cindyschuhmacher709]

I hope you got away. Why would anyone run into a burning building? So save someone they love. They can't be saved, save yourself. 😢

[@moxiepooties6363]

Or they don't admit to frustration or anger, they say they are " disappointed"......In YOU of course!

[@spacegirl226]

They're welcome to be disappointed. But they never let us say we're disappointed in them.

[@Hatbox948]

You are so right Dr. Carter. It's all about protecting their image even while they trash your reputation.

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

When they are stressed, they want to take it out on you & you have to be understanding about it "Yes, but i was under massive stress that day". That you might be under stress yourself, that day, is NOT possible. That you might be holding back, not to take it out on them, IS ONLY NORMAL

[@lindamcwilliams9056]

This is so true.

[@ND-or5so]

There's nothing normal about them.

[@caroleminke6116]

You’re just another mother to a narc

[@susanmunoz7688]

For me, it doesn’t have to be a problem, it’s just that I am breathing!😉

[@lindamcwilliams9056]

@@susanmunoz7688 me too. My mere existence.

[@shaaguilar03]

The most hurtful insult he used to tell me is he is entitled to treat me poorly that way and I cant do the same thing to him because we are totally different.. He loves to say that there things that he can afford that I dont.. 😅😢..

[@MBAinternetmktg]

I have been treated that way, too. Interesting. His mother committed suicide after his father left her for another woman. He was only about six years old, and the new stepmother resented him. His father was a cold disciplinarian. He has deep-seated contempt towards women.

[@kaybarnes1176]

This is the very best video yet! Everyone, including me, needs to listen to this over and over. I'll be 70 this year. Most of my adult life was wasted on abusers. This is the truth. Thank you, Dr. C

[@barbarakelly1916]

Life is not wasted, if you have learned and moved forward. You may (unknowingly) be an inspiration to others regarding making important life changes.

[@prettypuppy6752]

@@barbarakelly1916so beautifully said. Thank you for sharing this wisdom as you have given me hope

[@davshavu]

#1 on my top 10 beliefs of the narcissist belief system is that my side of the conversation does not exist. Therefore, there is no real conversation ever. I'm an audience member of an angry lunatic who lectures as if they are the finest mind presented to the planet Earth. When they're not boring, they're making sure you are being pummeled with boundary crossing and telling you who you are. This is so far from Love. This is so far from friendship. This is not even a relationship. I prefer not to get sick nowadays. One sicky wants me to be sick with them. And this isn't like the flu. It's damage that lasts a lifetime unless you seek help.

[@cindyschuhmacher709]

True. Well said. You know my sister?😅

[@obscurum6]

They will never say they are angry, they always say it's frustration and they have endless amounts of bs of how it's your fault they feel frustrated. 🙄

[@angelakh4147]

“Who appointed you king or queen? And of course the answer is…. ‘Shut up.’” I laughed 😂 so hard I had to stop the video so I wouldn’t miss anything! As usual, it’s funny ‘cause it’s true….

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I hope you weren't in the middle of drinking coffee!

[@DCB938]

lol they angrily tell you they don’t lie, that it is not one of their faults. When in reality that is their biggest number one fault. Or constantly trying to prove they’re much smarter than you. I can go on and on, I’ve been hit with those my entire life by different people including my mother

[@ktwhimsy6946]

My favorite is that my ex likes to insist he’s an “empath” 👀 … sir, I’ve seen you get enraged & yell at a tiny elderly lady for walking too slowly in front of you at the grocery store …

[@DCB938]

@@ktwhimsy6946 oh dear yes they do like try to convince everyone of that. There is not an empathetic bone in their body

[@graveyardghost2603]

My sister used to throw trash on the floor whenever she ate lunch at my house. But I wouldnt DARE do that at her house 🙄

[@patricia-fz8et]

I don't think it would occur to most of the population over age 7 to do such a thing, I would love to know where that comes from ....

[@Shelbdoni]

@@graveyardghost2603 How did you deal with that?

[@graveyardghost2603]

@@Shelbdoni I stopped inviting her to my house 😁

[@angeleneholton1825]

'You don't have a right to call out my abusive behavior' isn't that just so true. The incredible lies, projections, delusions, smearing, and scapegoating lengths they will go to. My older sister is a classic covert narc. The sad thing is that I grew up with her honing her manipulation and abusive skills on me, and its taken me 65 years to speak up about it.

[@caroleminke6116]

Misogyny has got to top this list plz 🙏

[@caroleminke6116]

Mother resentment is at the heart of this disorder & leads to even worse pathology ❤️‍🩹 think Psycho

[@Tea4Texas]

Actually feminist race baiters lately.

[@user-lz8yo4oy9p]

Absolutely #1

[@fredhubbard7210]

Ten good reasons to understand why it is impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist. As a decent man, I was committed to a life-long marriage. When it failed, I felt deep shame. 10 years in, I realize the marriage I was committed to never existed anywhere but my own mind. There is no shame in having that kind of idealism.

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

I had a marriage like that. Just got kicked out on my 71st birthday. He finally gave me a really great gift, one that keeps on giving!

[@barbarakelly1916]

As a veteran of a similar experience, I empathize and wish you (and others) a better future.

[@lijohnyoutube101]

Took me almost 20 to see the light.

[@yahyaknow]

The narc is in charge of making you THINK they love you. And this manipulation I see can last for years. BUT not for me. I drop kicked the ass 20 years ago.

[@cindyschuhmacher709]

Some people cannot see outside of themselves. They are incapable of real love.😢

[@LoneStarLady-]

I would add an eleventh: I should be the sole center of your universe and you are not entitled to have others in your life that are important, but I can have other people and outside interests that take time, attention, and resources from you while you are not allowed to complain.

[@williammoore5277]

EVERY relationship is a triangle that fluctuates because that way they always have an 'Ally' to make it two against one.

[@Unbreakablechic]

Story of my life.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

#2 Their allowed to be evasive. That way they're not lying 🙄 They expect to know YOU'RE every move 😳

[@KellBelle65]

My ex was not only great about being evasive but splitting hairs too. Example: I had been visiting my family and came back home. There were some things that seemed out of place in our home. When I asked him, he got evasive and so I asked him if he had sex with someone. He immediately asked me if I had had sex with someone, trying to put me on the defense. I said no. Then he said he had not had sex with any woman. Now guess what's wrong with that statement.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@KellBelle65 Everything! What a horrendous situation. I'm guessing he worked hard for his title...EX!!! take care 🙏🌸

[@ginkgo2021]

@@amandaliverpool3374 my ex of 30 years tried evasiveness during disclosure of assets as part of the divorce (which he gave me one day notice before he filed). Unfortunately for him he forgot to shred a bank statement for an account that only he had access to. After going silent on the issue for several weeks, he communicated through his attorney that, “he wasn’t TRYING to hide assets.” Mr Nice Guy. His entourage will never believe what he is capable of.

[@H0neyB1972]

I always love the explaining that the narc is the way they are because of abuse...maybe they are just really spoiled, entitled people who throw a fit when they don't get their way. The more I see it, the more I just see brats.

[@MBAinternetmktg]

Sadly, their behavior often comes from early childhood abuse. They will not talk about it, so it takes a long time to find out.

[@RobertRemlinger-mq8iy]

I agree with you.

[@user-yj7xw8on2t]

I called my ex husband a spoiled, little brat. That was before I became my slow education about narcissism.

[@irisscot101]

Separating yourself from these hateful narcissists is the key especially when they try to ensnare you in their endless lies or smear campaigns for their own ends. Thank you Dr C for the great insight and advice you give. ❤

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

The insults narcissists throw at us tell us all we need to know about them to just walk away. The disrespect is the closure.

[@carolentringer8836]

1. You must have the same opinions as I do. (You’re a dummy.) 2. I don’ t have to be open, but you do. (I’m above you.) 3. My anger is just frustration and it’s your fault. (You don’t have the right to call out my abusive behavior.) 4. I can disrespect you. 5. When I am displeased, you deserve to be punished. 6. I am automatically right. (What you prefer is irrelevant.) 7. I don’t need to see your side. (You are an irritant to me.) 8. I’m a fair person, the gold standard. 9. It’s your job to protect my image. (You exist to be my fixer.) 10. Your value to me is in your usefulness to me.

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

Thankyou 🙏

[@randy_cbc8811]

Thx for the list, carol

[@PixieCropCircleDuster]

💯🏆

[@user-yj7xw8on2t]

@@carolentringer8836 you nailed it - it's exactly what I was dealing with.

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

Every work arrangement can be one sidedly broken/ changed by them, at any time... this should not cause ANY delays, costs, etc If YOU try to change a work arrangement (even a tiny bit, for good reasons) All Hell breaks loose : "Dont you understand that this causes problems ? " "You are not a team player" "You lack responsability" etc.

[@Dosser810]

Exactly right 😮

[@yukio_saito]

That's a blatant example of gaslighting at work. Similar things happened to me.

[@ginkgo2021]

Ouch. But accurate. They are not in touch with their humanity. And they seek those who are more in touch and abuse them. I do now see, after being out of the situation for a few years. I hope others can see the light sooner.

[@rebeccacory7945]

WOW, this is right on time for me!!! My husband has a vicious temper which he has no problem spewing all over me. Despite talking with him (or trying to, thousands of times) about the effects of his his anger on me, he cuts me off, escalates, throws temper tantrums (as well as things against the wall or out the car window), threatens divorce, says he wishes he could just get away from me and if he had somewhere else to go he’d just leave (go ahead, it’s fine by me). He actually thinks I “do” things to him and is uninterested in my point of view (to the point of telling me to shut up, f### off, calling me names, choosing deliberately hurtful insults, you name it). I walk away and then get screamed at and ridiculed for that. He threatens that I’m “making him angry” and I tell him “You’re already angry so what’s the difference?” and keep walking. 🤷‍♀️ He’ll trash me one way or another & if I am able to get a word in edgewise to confront him about his inappropriate behavior, he’ll tell me he doesn’t remember saying it and accuses me of gaslighting him (how convenient, right?! 🤣🤣 It would be funny if it weren’t so tragic … )! This latest over the top tantrum was the last straw. I told him I was done and went no contact (even tho he still lives in my house!!). He finally figured out I want nothing to do with him and is now (of course) ignoring me back. It’s a little tense, but feeling free to be who I am without the narcissistic pollution invading my soul feels great!!! I am so grateful to unhook & take care of ME for a change!! Actions speak louder than words and while I’m sure he’s blaming me for something right now (and he might have a point; this feels a little passive aggressive to me but I did clearly state that I couldn’t take any more of his anger and in the .5 seconds I have to speak my truth also told him I was done. I’m sure he doesn’t get that 🤣🤣 because he doesn’t think he ever does anything wrong!! So it is what it is 🤷‍♀️). I did also tell him (when he approached me in anger and accusations to try to get me to admit his temper tantrum was All My Fault because that will “fix it”) that his accusing me of acting like a child and “creating a crisis” when he’s the one throwing a temper tantrum is absurd. In spite of that logic, I should have just kept my mouth shut - and have ever since. Silence is golden and all I can think in the back of my mind is that old cell service commercial, “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?” 🤣🙌🤣 At least he is respecting my boundaries for once!! 🥰🙌❤️ Thank you, Dr. C., for this perfectly timed video assuring me that I am not crazy!!! That statement really hit home and so did the rest of your advice. I feel so much better and can also see the impact of his behavior on my own personality & integrity. Even my comments here are scattered & off-balance. Trying to make sense of insanity never works. I need to work on not defending myself and develop better skills at not taking the bait or making critical snappy come backs of my own, which feel true to me and most likely ARE, but I realize now he’s not interested in the truth. And I’m not interested in giving any more free passes for damaging behavior. This space between us is far more peaceful for me and I’m fine with taking care of me for a change!! Thanks for this video hug when I really needed one!!! 🥰👍❤️ Keep up the great work!!! ❤️

[@michellebearne6278]

I'm doing that too.

[@denicewinders1521]

Dr.Les has improved my mindset, thought process, and heart. Nothing short of sheer brilliance. I love this guy. And Gus... thank you for being you 🔥🙏💜

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Denice.

[@mosaicowlstudios]

Narcissists believe it is an insult to THEM when a person holds a different opinion to theirs

[@lynndupree1205]

After my narcissistic daughter manipulated me into paying for her wedding, she sat me in the back of the room and refused to even speak to me. Just looked right through me, as if I didn't exist. I still don't know why. Could it be that I'm not rich enough to fit with her new inlaws? Or maybe I can't hand her another 50k to spend on her new house? I will never know, but I am sure of one thing, she will NEVER get a chance to hurt me again. I'm done.

[@shaaguilar03]

Oh my gosh Dr.C, it feels like any moment from now ur gonna mention my husbands name .

[@christinagipperich2780]

With every video, I relate to the content more and more. When I look back on my marriage, I see everything on this list repeatedly. Three years out from my divorce, I still can’t believe how much he hated me and how sick he is. There were times when his projection and self loathing was so bad I thought he could easily kill me. That reality is #10 on Dr. C’s list. My purpose was to be his projector screen and I was expendable if I didn’t serve that purpose.

[@user-yj7xw8on2t]

I understand. I was afraid my ex husband was going to kill me, too, when he saw another "prize" and he saw me as being in the way of acquiring that prize. I didn't know this at the time. It's taken me over a year to put all of these pieces together.

[@sfkeepay]

11. My anger is all the justification I need for my actions. Whatever I do when I’m “frustrated” requires no other justification than my emotional state. Insult: When you are angry, it demonstrates how you are the problem. (Side effect: I never need to apologize since I never do anything unjustifiable.)

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

My granny used to say the meanest things to you when she was angry. Never any apology afterwards. When you later mentioned that this was hurtful to you & you still remember what she said, the reply was always: "Yes, but i was angry then". That seemed to be all the justification she needed. After too many episodes of this, i started to dread visiting, and the relationship fizzled out. PS: I was expected that you would bite your own tongue in the moment, & not insult her in reply... which we all did

[@spacegirl226]

You've described my mother, who is angry all the time. "I yell at things so I don't yell at people!" She still yells at people -- the hostages in her house. Out in public, she's as sweet as pie. You'd never know she was a demon underneath that tightly placed mask of innocent martyrdom. And that's why she's destroyed her marriage, her children, her family, her life -- and will never even once step back and reflect that SHE and her ENDLESS ANGER were the problem.

[@kiasunray]

Several of these points encompass my experience with my narc ex. I still have to communicate with him due to a legal matter. He likes to call me late at night, knowing I have insomnia. I have no interest in discussing business after business hours. He knows this as well. He’s blocked me from his phone but will contact me through his iPad…at his convenience. So over it🙄

[@caroleminke6116]

This is abuse & can be prosecuted

[@kiasunray]

@@caroleminke6116 I wasn’t aware. Thank you.

[@RN-gx7wt]

Being fake !!! Shows as real. Censor others shine themselfs. Keep the victim card in play.... untouchable. Actions are not matching words, believes in obscuring, gains control meanwhile. Beliefs seems hung on that thriving in being broken, seems to get all the attention regardless. "Insulting, and a total waste of anyones time.."

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Exhausting!

[@RN-gx7wt]

@@amandaliverpool3374 U got me!

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

Spot on dr Carter. Arguing with a narcissist is a total waste of time and energy. They know and they have already decided so we shouldn’t confuse them with the facts. They dehumanise us and themselves. They are blind and lost emotionally l developed like toddlers stuck in adults bodies. They add insults to injuries.

[@angel-no5sy]

Do as I say, not as I do...was what he told me after we got married. Funny...😂😊😅😮

[@MarianneCatherine]

@angel-no5sy Like you were his child!!! Of course, he told you after you were married!!! 😗😩😣 Unfortunately!!! 🙄

[@Nanasfsw]

My daughter is a narcissist. I raised her to be compassionate, caring, kind, empathetic, I encouraged those characteristics by my actions throughout her life. She changed 19 years ago when she married a narcissist. The grandchildren are 18, 15, 6, and a one year old. She’s been using them as weapons against me and her stepfather for many years. We’ve had to bail them out for the sake of the grandchildren to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. I see we have enabled them but we are really stuck in a bad situation. I’m beginning to believe they keep having children to keep us locked in their lives. I’ve been accused of so many horrific things that are patently false and extremely hurtful. She’s become a danger to me. I keep praying for God to step in and help. The older grandchildren see what’s going on, we worry about the younger ones. We have to walk on eggshells to stay in their lives to give them a chance to grow up right. Oh Lord, help the family 🙏🙏🙏

[@pilis.5681]

Don't blame your daughter. Get help.

[@lijohnyoutube101]

They need actual help and therapy not nonsense like religion.

[@jeannedouglas9912]

You nailed it Dr. C. I just wonder why it is so prevalent. It's hard to be the whipping post. To lack insight and have no true desire to grow as a human being still doesn't give anyone the right to harm another.

[@tombuddy100]

My aunt keeps saying that everyone is bad, no good, and of no value, including myself (albeit saying that about me only behind my back). I then ask her if she is good or valuable? She answers that she is good and valuable.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Their way or the highway. I got off that turnpike by going no-contact with my dad.

[@cymbolichuman433]

My second disastrous relationship, I interjected an important fact that the conversation and he said "You don't count" in front of friends. His co workers invited me everywhere, but he had to be there too.

[@Greenwings701]

Thank you for focusing a fine lens on the reality of being around a narc. It's so hard to pinpoint when you're in it and others don't see it or say anything. This is so helpful!

[@lienlael3196]

Gus 🐕 there you are! Hello dear Dr. Carter. Thank you for your daily advice. God bless you

[@k.w.9002]

❤❤CAN'T thank you enough! You are my sanity + wisdom helper.THIS IS YOUR BEST, EVER! I HEAR THIS STUFF CONSTANTLY! Now, I see it for what it is, on his side, not buying his blame, insults.Keeping CALM, BRIEF, STATING needs, ideas(not asking), not reacting or disrespectful is key for me.REMEMBERING THAT I DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY OR EXPLAIN MYSELF to someone who doesn't want to hear what they don't want to hear!

[@7bigapple]

This video is so spot-on and exact. What I struggle with is not showing these ppl empathy. You say they have low self-worth so my instinct is to be extra nice and kind to them but they perceive that as a dupe and a sucker. My compassion has been weaponized against me, that's where I struggle. Empathy seems to have no effect on them which I don't understand.

[@belizejuliette7223]

They want power and control

[@anneyoung2310]

Narcissists think your grace, kindness, generosity and willingness to forgive represent naivety and/or stupidity, when they actually represent wisdom, love and Christianity. I have had several narcissists say that my liberal forgiveness is dumb.

[@williammoore5277]

"You did that on purpose just to make me mad" Who in their right mind would do such a thing knowing that they have to sleep in the same bed and do it with both eyes closed?

[@DahliaBrynn]

Sounds exactly like my marriage

[@Tea4Texas]

Most people think this way, narcissistic people just do it better.

[@shaaguilar03]

Relationship with them is a one sided love.. I hope its easy to unloved someone whom u trully love despite how they poorly treat u.

[@LisaSimplified]

Thank you Dr. Carter.

[@LiveforHim73]

You read my journal today!! Since Ive listened to your channel, the list has grown. The anger is frustration made me laugh… the body language and facial twisting is anger, no matter how the mental twists they tangle themselves up in!

[@hollyk7052]

Looking forward to having focus, on my mental and physical health, my professional goals, hobbies, friends, expressing myself through art or writing-not just peace, but clarity and time. We got this.

[@KahnDoo]

As I read recently: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." If the relationship with this particular person does not have that, then how about "dignity, respect and civility"? No again? Then it is time to increase the distance, and go low contact or no contact. Show a little love for yourself and get some peace.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You make sense.

[@PaulHans-th1ue]

Its so dam depressing and sad that there is so many of these type people running around. It sucks

[@jworld__1630]

Always dropping knowledge Dr. C 🔥🔥🔥 Thank you

[@sandyhenry3238]

100% I was even told when I did share my opion not arguing. He Said if you would stop being a,B word and do what I say, we'd be fine! I said of course we would, you get everything you want

[@surlif]

@surlif 0 seconds ago As an aside, Dr. Carter you win the best dressed man on youtube award!!! I enjoy your clean cut appearance.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Why, thank you!

[@loridillon1617]

OMG! You're talking about my life with my family! It's hard to connect with people who are in strong resistance mode. I felt exactly like you're describing. I was so conflicted and confused.

[@ktwhimsy6946]

I’m trying so hard to not engage, but lately my ex has been making slanderous KZbin posts/videos about me, claiming that I only started telling family & friends I was ab*sed because I’m “mad he broke up with me”, and in fact HE was the one being ab*sed… he goes on to call me a monster & say that I lied & stole from him non stop 😳 it’s so backwards & infuriating! For one, I broke it off with him & 2, I never even had to tell anyone he was ab*sive… I just stopped denying it & justifying his behaviors… it’s been years since we split & he’s still going on like this (with NO response from me)… I just hope it ends eventually !

[@visaormastercard]

I admire your strength not to engage!!!! My mom was narcissistic, she'd cause trouble anytime I dated someone, then when I couldn't take the pressure she was putting on me, I'd split with whom I was dating, & she'd say the person dumped me & I can't keep anybody. 😒 She'd make it so believable. Queen of gas lighting.

[@dk5755]

Wow 10 out of 10! If I ever questioned whether I was dealing with a narcissist, I now have confirmation and validation. Thank you.

[@fred.k9875]

Listen to the song: Thank you By Led zeppelin And Duran Duran version of the same original song. Enjoy!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

One of my all time favorite songs, Fred!!!

[@maggiesalle2256]

Hello, Gus! Keep taking care of the Carters! This is a great video!

[@kimberlysmith7625]

His Gus brings an element of calm and peace to his messages.

[@SusieAspen]

Dr. Carter, I just wanted to express my gratitude for this insightful video. Your guidance has been invaluable in helping me navigate the challenges with my half-sister's abusive behavior and the impact on my deceased mom's memory. Your wisdom has truly set me on the right track, and I can't thank you enough for your support and clarity. Keep up the amazing work!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Susie.

[@susansheldon2707]

I've been thinking about the matter of leaving my husband - in the context of church pressures. I noticed that so many of the points you made characterize some ministers who, without professional training or credentials specifically for counseling or mediation, "counsel" couples with an upfront belief that the goal is to "save the marriage." At any cost, too. Yet good counseling should be geared to identifying hidden behaviors and problems, then opening up space for each participant to face his or her destructive patterns. However, if a wife who reports being abused doesn't accept the minister's guidance, often the "I know better than you, and you should just do as I say, not think or decide for yourself" crap comes out. This is how so many women are guilt-trapped into staying in marriage with a lousy, abusive unrepentant husband. I think church ministry must appeal to a subset of narcissistic control freaks who think they're superlative Christians and, therefore, are qualified to tell everyone else what to believe and how to live, especially to put us little ladies in our places. Not all ministers, to be sure, but I've sure run into way too many of them. They only compound an abused wife's problems, not alleviate them. And they should be recognized for who they are and who they aren't. Run from them, too!

[@luvyatubers]

Try Atheism. Some great men there. Not all tho

[@susansheldon2707]

@@luvyatubers Thanks, but it's not about Christianity, as I am a Biblical Christian. It's about destructive narcissists. Just like pedophiles pursue careers that afford them access to kids, so there are religious narcs who go into "ministry" to be the Big Cheese themselves. Any position that affords unquestioned "authority" over others appeals to them. (Read the Gospels and you'll see that Jesus didn't put up with that sort but called them out, big time!)

[@susansheldon2707]

@@luvyatubers It's not about Christianity (I'm a Biblical Christian / follower of Jesus). It's about a subset of control freak narcissistic ministers who pursued careers in church ministry because it afforded them unchallengeable (they think) authority to tell others what to believe and how to live. In the Gospels, Jesus didn't put up with the religious leaders of his day who behaved as just such self-righteous, uncompassionate religious tyrants. He slammed them and made clear they were wrong. God doesn't sanction any spouse to be abusive toward his/her spouse, but commands that they love one another as they love themselves. So let's not equate being a Christian with those who abuse that name while living covertly as narcs. (And, yes, there are some atheistic men who are really decent guys!)

[@luvyatubers]

@@susansheldon2707 as parents we need to really think about what kids learn from Jesus. His Father/self was the first teen predator. Can't tell me there were not any single healthy age homeowner experienced women available. Poor Joseph. And he made him arrive in a stinky barn. C'mon. Stop forcing kids to wrap their little heads around this. It's a scam and insane it's been going strong since the dark ages. Kids deserve better

[@t_nels]

Are you being pressured to stay in an abusive relationship? A pastor who has watched my family grow ( but is not in our area any longer) has recommended a therapist for me/and possibly family. I am giving it a try. Since I have different aspects to counsel, I hope I will have help in any of those areas.

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

Hey, Doc! My narc husband finally got one thing right-- for me! He kicked me out of the house on my 71st birthday! He could have never given me a better gift! My freedom is the gift that keeps on giving! Amen! I really appreciate you helping me see through it all, because I'd never even heard of narcissism. He was covert. I was freshly trauma bonded, but no more! You woke up my funny side! Thanks so much! Praise God!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Best wishes to you moving forward!

[@LorelLa22]

It is similar to weed through the illusions of dealing with people, who are Pathological Deceivers - same type of checklist ✅

[@rebekahhawkins1318]

Example: moving furniture, and I was getting spoken to like I was 2 and had no idea how to lift… ( not the first time I asked for respectfully speaking to me) … I was told well I just don’t listen! And instead of accountability: if I don’t speak to you like this it will hurt my shoulder.

[@briachan]

Can you please talk about parents of adult narcissistic children, the need for boundaries and not guilt or obligation to excuse the behavior and protecting them from consequence? 🙏🏾

[@GodBlessUsEveryone-yg8vf]

Missed the live but 👋 Dr C. TM Healthy. Listening now on replay. As usual, 🎯. Oh, wow! 💯. It only got better as you got to #9-10! THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU! May God Bless!

[@butterflycomb]

Yes I get all this stuff. The person will say I'm making myself feel that way. I'm like what? Also keeps saying I have low confidence in myself and I can't help you with that.

[@AnneReimer]

I could so cuddle up with Gus right about now.He always by your side Dr.C nice to see🎉

[@noesinferno]

eye-opening video... thank you so much, your channel is so important

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated.

[@staywellandstrong4199]

And creepy slit-eye looks while saying it's just frustration....

[@ginkgo2021]

I got sideways eye plus eye rolls at the same time. I'm surprised he didn't dislocate his eyeballs and suffer permanent damage.

[@darinsmith2458]

I heard a meditation the other day that talks about "Addicted to Excitement." This is a result of growing up in Chaos.. For me I had to find a baseline where that excitement did not exist.. It doesn't mean I can't have excitement in my life but not the type of excitement that you are talking about in this video..

[@stevenmorgan6164]

Thank you Dr Carter

[@BaraSchmidt]

The old saying: "Beauty is as Beauty does." comes to mind here. But with a twist. How about: "Crazy is as crazy does!"? If THEY don't know if they are on foot or horseback, why would we think they could have anything of value to suggest for our lives? IKR? It's time. It's been time. This is where we step off and into HEALTHY! Be Well, Be Blessed!

[@t_nels]

Missed you 💕

[@BaraSchmidt]

@@t_nels Thanks T! I missed you too! 🧡

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@t_nels Dittoes

[@solideogloria007]

Excellent...! Thank you for breaking this so neatly down

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@davidhynd4435]

Good food for thought, and, as always, wise counsel. Thank you.

[@ShaareiZoharDaas]

I used my narcs narcissistic ideation to my benefit by asking for my divorce before witnesses.

[@kupuva4kata]

This is so true. I cannot believe how relevant it is to my relationship with my husband. I just need to save this video and watch it often because it is crazy how accurate it is.

[@todddanforth8853]

My late older brother was terribly devalued and verbally abused by my Dad. He received almost NO AFFIRMATION from our Dad. Not surprisingly my older brother developed serious mental and personality disorders. I keep hearing the crap he pulled on me from Dr. Carter's lectures. It was so bad even in adulthood that he never stopped his efforts to destroy me psychologically. I had blocked him for the last several years of his life because I couldn't deal with the upsetting crap he kept throwing at me.

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

God bless you and thank you for all your videos. From JANESVILLE, WI

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome, Cynthia!

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

Ooooh! This clicked! When he's dehumanizing me, he's actually dehumanizing himself! Never realized that before. And I love it when I bust out laughing cuz of the way you expressed your thought! Thanks, Doc! 💌

[@DiscordOfDave]

Hmmm…the “my anger isn’t anger it’s frustration” thing sounds a lot like me. My mother used to say the same thing…as much as I think my ex was a covert narcissist, maybe I need to take another look at myself.

[@hanichay1163]

My daughter told me I avoid and project and gaslight, that our family had unhealthy patterns. She says all our happy times were pretended. But none of the other kids say that. It’s news to me.

[@allans7281]

Love the living room with your adorable dog. That whole vibe is so calming

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks...this is my home study...my (and Gus') man cave.

[@Sofia.K.CheerYT]

Narcissism is an addiction, like gambling or drinking.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

True.

[@MarlanWarren]

Every point that Dr Carter makes in this video happened yesterday between me and my narcissist unfortunately he is the manager of the apartment building where I live