Survivor's Guide to Jealousy | Ali Hendry | TEDxKingstonUponThames

Where does jealousy come from, and how can we work through it? Unique observations and solutions relating to one of the most complex emotions us humans experience.
Ali Hendry is a Holistic Relationship Coach and journalist. Her personal and professional experiences of relationship designs (monogamy, polyamory, open) generated a comprehensive guide to working through jealousy. Ali Hendry is a holistic relationship coach helping LGBTQ+ women to build and sustain conscious relationships. www.alihendry.co.uk This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@ashleyrodriguez2139]

I am literally in tears because I hate being this way. Thank you for showing me some hope.

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Hey, I see you 💚

[@jasperjon5931]

I would like to appreciate all people who are watching this with me, we who is honest that we are jealous and insecure, this is the first step of admitting that we are who we are and we don't like how it feels and we don't like how it made us and for the people we love and care, tis is whybwe are here for the hope of changing oneself for better.

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Yes! All of this 💚

[@patriciapat2106]

I love this, she unpacked everything amazingly and she had really good points. But it's much harder in the case of trauma and when you have C-PTSD, depression, separation anxiety and generalised anxiety... I wanted to apply her methods to my life, but it's not that easy. My mind will eat me from the inside out and I will probably jump off the nearest high bridge

[@Clonez-sr7to]

You need therapy, I have felt this same way dude. I am starting therapy soon, I just lost the love of my life, in the exact same way every other relationship I have ever had has failed. She's done nothing wrong but I have allowed made up things in my head create jealousy and overthinking that drove her away from me despite us both still being in love with each other.

[@patriciapat2106]

@@Clonez-sr7to I'm in a similar situation currently. My bf and I had a conversation about this exactly just last night. I don't think I've ever cried harder than last night. He told me that it's up to me if I want us to continue because it's not gonna work the way it is right now, so I must make a change. I am and have been in therapy for almost the last half year, I'm also on medication. I wish you the best in life, good on you for starting to go to therapy, I'm proud of you

[@secondrickamendment4770]

@@patriciapat2106 & @Clonez-sr7to, Is there a Specific type of therapist for this stuff? I was Orphaned on a door step, My adopted parents made me feel invisible, and i'm a Middle Child. I'm jealous and envious, and currently in the process of loosing the one I care about by driving her a way and being to needy, but changing Patterns is so So much Harder then I expected. When you First Meet me, I'm confident, Funny, Love asking Questions and truly Care about the answers, I try only to give my own thoughts and opinions strictly for consideration and not judgement and love to encourage people to be the best version of themself they can possibly be, but Then Someone will Like those qualities about me, and THATS when the Clock Starts to becoming Extremely jealous. The More Someone Likes me in the beginning the Faster I get jealous and loose them. I Selfishly want them to be everything to me. I want to replace all my other types of Friendships and relationships with that one person. I know in my hart and mind that its unrealistic and Unfair to ask everything from someONE , but I have not found a way to break the Pattern yet. Anything ANYONE as to offer I'm all ears.

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thank you for sharing this and it sounds like you are trying so hard to change 💚💖

[@alihendrycoaching350]

@@Clonez-sr7toI feel this ❤

[@ChrisP-ni4lz]

Mark Twain quote was excellent and “thoughts are not facts … “ Wonderful discussion

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Ah thank you 🌟

[@candaceleonard0114]

You did an amazing job at explaining your root of jealousy and I love the survival kit! I just married a super hyper jealous person who feels the need to protect themselves…even from me…so every outing ends up in an argument and he is always waiting for me to cheat. It’s effing exhausting and it’s killing my fun loving, out going spirit. This helped me understand it’s really a fear of losing. I hate I put myself in this situation as life is short and I wanted a more fun loving relationship without so much baggage. Thank you. 💜

[@Wrldle9end]

Let me know how’s it going, are you guys still together? I realize my girl spirit is very loving and outgoing don’t wanna put her through what your man did to you.. i want to be better for us…

[@candaceleonard0114]

@@Wrldle9end Yes, we are still together. Things have gotten better due to us understanding the root and being sensitive to one another triggers. Thanks for asking. I hope things are getting better for you two as well. 💜

[@sadiegodwin205]

​@@Wrldle9endrespect 👏👌❤

[@sadiegodwin205]

​@@candaceleonard0114 you've at least chosen to stay strong and stick through. That's inspirational. So thank you for sharing this with us ❤

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Hey, thank you so much for sharing this 💚💖

[@user-vu8pm4dw6d]

There was a time in my late 20's where I completely stopped looking at any form of social media and even KZbin because my chest used to ache seeing other people's success, holidays, nice cars and everything. I'm a carer for my mum so can't make any money nor educate myself because of her. It did help for a while as I kept busy wit other things. But now I'm back to being sad again that I never got to enjoy life

[@chunkymonkeysteadyfunky]

You didn’t miss out on anything. All those people you’re jealous of would probably give it all up for a close relationship with their mom like you

[@alexisdolan5146]

Charismatic, engaging, and vulnerable. I follow Ali and her work and I truly appreciate how she makes topics such as jealousy something that I can explore in a new way. I especially enjoyed the survival kit. Emotions are so nuanced and it is so empowering to see yourself reflected in others and having the opportunity to learn and grow through these shared experiences. Thank you Ali for everything that you do!

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thank you so much for your beautiful words ❤

[@charlypoos]

Absolutely amazing, you’ve unpacked this cloudy emotion perfectly and I felt so much synergy with much that you said. Thanks for an amazing Ted Talk.

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thank you for saying this!! ❤❤

[@LisaFirestone]

Ali.... wow,... I enjoyed this for so very many reasons. First, you are being totally transparent, open and forthright about something that has a high squirm factor. Your openness meets needs in me for Courage. Honesty. Your approach to feelings and facts are practical, spiritual, gentle, direct, and delightfully entertaining. And finding compassion for those who are jealous... : "love more, fear less". LOVE IT. Bravo, Ali... your talk is truly inspiring!!!! I'm a new fan!

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Woah thanks so much for sharing your feedback! So glad it landed in this as way for you 💖🌟

[@cristinagranata506]

I cried. Thank you

[@alihendrycoaching350]

💖

[@lisasmith452]

Absolutely amazing!

[@adymeneses1898]

The closure gave me goosebumps, great talk!

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thank you! ❤

[@speedyspeedgirl12]

The best talk on jealousy on YT! Amazing!

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Oh wow thanks! 💖

[@stephaniefurey4922]

Absolutely LOVED this talk Ali Hendry, and could totally relate! I will use your survival guide and loved the analysis!! 🥰🥰🥰

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thank you so much for your lovely comment! 💖

[@SigoGatt]

Thank you Ali. This has been a real eye opener and a great motivation to act on and, at the same time, embrace my feelings.

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thank you for saying this 🥰

[@akshinanish1881]

It's simply amazing to hear you

[@alihendrycoaching350]

💚💖

[@christinethornton7517]

Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope for myself❤

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Yes, hope! 💖

[@elisanegroni1544]

Great talk!! Love how open you are in sharing your story.

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thanks! We learn through story 💖

[@elisanegroni1544]

@@alihendrycoaching350 For sure!

[@SilviaCerbino]

Thank you🙏🏼🤲🏼🤍

[@KiwiBirb63]

Maybe I don't understand, but from what I garnered the "survival guide" is when you feel jealous, just let yourself be jealous for a minute and then distract yourself from those feelings... Don't know how healthy that is. And "Risk factor" , to me that's true, I find it as a measurement of how loyal is this person to me, and how do I feel I should be treated. To ignore the risk factor, to me it seems like ignoring your intuition...something I wouldn't want to do, for it has saved me many times.

[@quirozmath4947]

you don't distract yourself from those feelings if you let yourself/assign time to feel them. I think the point is to feel them, but avoid them from going into a rabbit hole and creating those "believable fictions" that she would talk about.

[@Eysc]

It's basically stoicism, learn to control the things you can control and don't worry or get jealous in this case of everything that is not under your control

[@alihendrycoaching350]

True, and remember “risk” is an assessment based on the situation and the data. But jealousy can cause cognitive distortions and so we are no longer making impartial, unbiased assessments. Putting the focus on trusting ourselves, rather than focussing constantly on the others’ behaviours (which is also blooming exhausting!) can ease the emotional maelstrom.

[@pranav.-.]

SO UNDERRATED, IT DESERVES MUCH MORE.

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Ah thank you! 🌟

[@user-su7lb9km6v]

I was almost in tears this was so helpful 🥹

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Aw thank you for sharing this 💚💖

[@girv6016]

Thank you love !❤

[@alihendrycoaching350]

You are so welcome! ❤

[@egl3369]

I was the youngest of 4, and contrary to popular belief, was not spoiled. I got hand me downs, had to do whatever everyone wanted to do, and there was no money left by the time I was born. I have spent my life feeling like I don't deserve things. It's very hard for me to watch others get married, have kids and get pets. These are things I will never have, simply because I don't believe they apply to me.

[@jessicalong6011]

Thank you so much ❤

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thank you for your support ❤

[@Caro-ls7vs]

you're a heroine for sharing this Ali, thank you!!

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thank you so much for saying this 🤩

[@jenniferalinejuarezcamaril9479]

Thank you!!!

[@alihendrycoaching350]

❤

[@allthatbex]

Amazing talk. So wonderfully thought out and brilliantly presented. Thank you! 🤩

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Aw thanks so much! ❤🥰

[@DezStephensRHI]

INCREDIBLE!!!

[@alihendrycoaching350]

🥰🌟

[@omkarjagtap2351]

Wow that was amazing

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thank you 💚

[@cristinaab955]

Love more, fear less!

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Always 💖

[@Keepitorcanitreviews]

amazingggggggg!!!!!!!

[@alihendrycoaching350]

💖

[@henkgroenewald7588]

Yes.

[@Ilovesharks17]

Im very much tired of this. Im a jealous guy, I keep on hurting her with my jealousy. I try over and over to be happy, but in the end I always start something. I bring up her past, or say downright hurtful things. I dont know what to do.

[@alihendrycoaching350]

This sounds devastating and exhausting, thank you for sharing your situation. Can you start by calling the jealousy an emotion rather than an identity, going from "I am a jealous guy" to "I feel jealousy". Then start to explore where it may be coming from in your past (a therapist can help with this, or start with having honest conversations with trusted friends and family). Think about in what situations you tend to feel jealousy usually, are you in a particular situation, what conditions are usually present? Work out where the "tipping point" is, I mean that moment where you go from "these are thoughts in my head and not facts", rather than tipping into "I must take some action that will cause pain to me and to my partner". Is there anything you can do that interrupts the automatic response to go from the thoughts to the actions? Basically start to get really curious about how jealousy shows up and how you can catch it before it takes over. I have more ideas but these are one place to start. I wish you well.

[@19eightytw0]

😢❤thank you

[@alihendrycoaching350]

You are so welcome! ❤

[@emiliabonadeo5390]

literally dropped my pen while listening and doing my homework, thank you

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Oh wow, thanks!

[@angelinasalmon5042]

This is amazing

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thanks!! 🤩

[@jumperjunior804]

Listening to this, it sounds like she has not made any choices, just doing what others wanted from her. It’s worrying that she might be giving vulnerable people advice.

[@alihendrycoaching350]

This is an interesting perspective, thanks for the share. During my jealousy journey, to me it feels like I made the choice to take back my own power. This was via shifting the focus from “what my partner is doing to me” into “what can I do to support me?” Also, I’m a coach and so we do not offer advice. We partner with the client and support them in navigating their own path. Imagine the client in the driving seat, and me in the passenger seat. I ask questions using my intuition and ICF credentialed coaching education to support the client in navigating their own road. Hope that helps 🙂

[@mishalvm2912]

❤

[@alihendrycoaching350]

❤

[@amandaa3713]

I cannot relate to it but I know a lot of people do.

[@howtoaca7504]

💕💕

[@alihendrycoaching350]

💖

[@junelove777]

can someone explain to me what she means by risk doesn’t exist because you’re not in control of your partner?

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Hi, thank you for requesting clarity. Our partner/s either will or will not cheat. And yet some of us put the focus on “What if they do?” When equally we could put the focus on “What if they don’t?” Either way, we cannot control what they will or won’t do. What we can do is work on our own thought processes. “Risk” involves assessing the situation and looking at the data. But when we are in a state of jealousy our thoughts can become marred with cognitive distortions. So, risk becomes an unhelpful concept. Rather, focus on what you can control; your own thoughts and behaviours. I hope that lends more clarity 🙂

[@tez369]

10:25

[@richk3607]

Ted. You have an unacceptable amount of commercials. You are using these peoples skill too much for your own benefit

[@franjaureguim]

08:55 "Jealousy does have its place, and because it's an active emotion it sparks movement... so use it to move towards your partner not away from them" 🌙🤍🌙 love more, fear less

[@alihendrycoaching350]

Thank you 💚

[@elisateranb]

lost me at poliamory

[@alihendrycoaching350]

The tools I have learnt and share for supporting my jealousy journey are for all relationship lovestyles 🙂 I’ve been monogamous longer than non-monogamous, - so far! But it is true that I learnt these relationship tools on entering non-monogamy. I found a community that sees jealousy as a human emotion that often indicates an unmet need. Yet when I was monogamous, jealousy was only ever seen as something shameful. So, I found it valuable and supportive to have my own jealousy conceptualised as a messenger that I can unpack and address, rather than something I should be ashamed of and keep hidden.

[@veronicawilliams3904]

Love! Thanks for making a difficult topic fun, and without shame 🫶🏻

[@alihendrycoaching350]

You are so welcome! 💚

[@lakshmiprabha2404]

❤

[@alihendrycoaching350]

❤